In the August 2008 issue of DETAILS magazine, Greenfeld described zombie marriage and wrote that being in a zombie marriage could help your marriage become stronger down the road.
Greenfeld wrote that you have to survive the zombie phase and not end up killing your marriage or suffocating it with a bunch of relationship fixes by recommending that you just leave a zombie marriage alone.
Karl Taro Greenfeld: "... the Zombie Marriage is just a phase and quite possibly a crucial one. For a lifelong relationship to survive its most challenging period, it must enter an unconscious, protective state, so that no matter how many stakes are driven through its heart it will continue to stumble forward ... Because the Zombie Marriage, just like those B-movie ghouls who can be restored to mortality with a few drops of a serum or potion, can be revived."
My term for a zombie marriage is disillusionment. I think that disillusionment is normal and is part of the cycle of romance, disillusionment and joy that most married couples experience.
However, we don't think a zombie marriage should just be left alone. Doing nothing is not a good option when you are in disillusionment. You need to have The Talk with one another about your issues and problems.
Full Article by Karl Taro Greenfeld:
Your Marriage Isn't Dead -- It's Comatose
If you have the winter blues or blahs, consider these three simple tips:
- If you haven't decided to have quality time alone together, make that decision now.
- Remember the importance of showing kindness toward one another.
- Connect through holding hands.
More to Read:Reasons Your Marriage Could Use a Spring Cleaning
Photo: Bob Stritof
Having a time of reflection and reconciliation is important to every relationship. Everyone needs some alone time of growth in self-knowledge. You can use this season of waiting and change to assess your personal life and to reach out to your spouse.
Some of the consequences of arguing about money could include:
- Your financial situation worsens due to not being able to make financial decisions.
- One spouse feels burdened by feeling all the responsibility for the family finances.
- One spouse feels left out of the decision making process when it comes to decisions on how to spend or save money.
- Important financial questions such as where important documents are kept, status of bill paying and savings accounts, and your budget may never be discussed.
- The marriage could suffer from lies, snooping, broken promises, lack of trust, fear, anger, disappointment, feeling betrayed and even stealing from one another.
"Twenty percent of American women surveyed admitted to taking money from their significant other's wallet without their knowledge."
Source: "She Makes How Much More Than Me?!" CNBC.com. 1/28/2010.
Don't ignore red flags in your marriage. If you want to stop fighting about finances, the first thing you need to do is to get your heads out of the sand and admit there's a problem. Make sure you talk with each other about your monetary concerns and issues.
"In relationships with potential for durable longevity, each individual is willing to make the relationship a priority, giving it time, energy, and sustenance. As couples age together, the traits inherent in true friendship and close companionship take on greater significance. The partners constantly rechoose each other and feed positive energy to the relationship. They have each other's back. They look out for each other. In healthy relationships, both partners feel appreciated ..."
Source: Stephen J. Johnson, Ph.D. "What Your Marriage Needs to Survive." GoodMenProject.com. 2/8/2011.
Johnson's article also lists six characteristics of close couples.
- Physical attraction.
- Want to, not Have to relationship.
- Share "fundamental values, beliefs, interests, and goals."
- Know how to fight fair.
- Presence of laughter and playfulness.
- Can and do support one another's "activities, interests, and careers."
The characteristics are similar to what our readers have selected as the top ten essential qualities for a long lasting marriage.
Now, couple chemistry has a different meaning. Stating life's greatest prize is having "the right mating partner," Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, believes the rules of attraction have changed.
Fisher lists "four broad biological personality types associated with four specific neurotransmitters and hormones ... Fisher suspects we are all some combination of these four types ..."
- The Explorer (risk-taking, associated with dopamine)
- The Builder (calm, traditional, associated with serotonin)
- The Director (analytical, tough-minded and decisive, associated with testosterone)
- The Negotiator (emotionally expressive and empathetic, associated with estrogen)
Fisher found that explorers go for other explorers, and builders go for other builders. But the high testosterone directors go for the high-estrogen negotiators, and vice versa."
Using Fisher's descriptions, in our relationship, I was the negotiator/explorer and Bob was the director/builder. It worked for us.
'Unsaid Chemistry': Science of Seduction
Here are some warning signs of a time-starved marriage and what you can do about it.
Is Your Marriage Running on Empty?
Aside from explaining what being in love does to your brain, DiSalvo points out that men are "visual beasts" when in love and women in love "remember the details." He also tackles the topic of whether men and women can just be friends.
Since some may disagree with the article, take a few minutes, read what he says to say, and let me know your thoughts about it.
Her husband of nearly 55 years, Charles Black, died in 2005. When Shirley was 17, she married John Agar. That marriage ended after 5 years.
She is quoted as saying that "her greatest roles were as wife, mother and grandmother: 'There's nothing like real love. Nothing.'" Source: Hillel Italie. "Curls and Dimples: Shirley Temple Dies at 85." BigStory.ap.org. 2/11/2014.
Of course, there are more than four things for anyone to consider before making the decision to spend the rest of your life with someone. But after you're pretty sure you found the right person and are getting married for the right reasons, we think these are the top four things to consider.
- Your ages
- Sexual compatibility
- And a willingness to accept mutual responsibility for household chores and child care.
When I receive emails or read posts on the Marriage Forum, those four topics are the issues folks most often say hurt their marriage.