Marriage

I like what Michelle Gielan has to say about keeping your promises.

"When we don't keep a promise to someone, it communicates to that person that we don't value him or her. We have chosen to put something else ahead of our commitment. Even when we break small promises, others learn that they cannot count on us. Tiny fissures develop in our relationships marked by broken promises."

An example of not keeping promises and breaking down trust in a relationship is the stormy and sad marriage of Sofya and Leo Tolstoy. Reading their diaries was difficult for me. They both promised to be there for one another, and they both yearned to be understood, yet through their many years together they couldn't or wouldn't give that gift to one another.

Leo Tolstoy: "Nobody will ever understand me."

Sofya Tolstoy: "He has never taken the trouble to understand me, and does not know me in the least."

Source: Source: William L. Shirer. Love and Hatred: The Troubled Marriage of Leo & Sonja Tolstoy. 1994. backcover.

Poll: Do you keep your word? Vote!

When women decide to keep their birth names after marriage, people today aren't shocked. That wasn't the case back in the 1850s.

Lucy Stone started the trend to keep her own last (birth) name when she married in 1855. Much later, in the 1970s, more women made the same decision regarding their surnames. Some couples like Jennifer Mulhern Granholm and Daniel Granholm Mulhern take one another's surnames as their middle names.

It was around thirty years ago that the ACLU filed a lawsuit in Rhode Island concerning a woman's right to choose which name she wanted to use. There are many people grateful that Lucy Stone and Henry Blackwell had enough love and respect for one another to walk that unpopular journey so many years ago.

Back in June 2011, David Frum explained why he believed he was wrong about same-sex marriage saying "The case against same-sex marriage has been tested against reality. The case has not passed its test." We agree and don't see how the marriage of two men or two women can hurt our marriage. President Obama personally came to that same conclusion today while Mitt Romney disagreed.

President Obama: "I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together, when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that Don't Ask Don't Tell is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I've just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married ... You know, Malia and Sasha, they have friends whose parents are same-sex couples. There have been times where Michelle and I have been sitting around the dinner table and we're talking about their friends and their parents and Malia and Sasha, it wouldn't dawn on them that somehow their friends' parents would be treated differently. It doesn't make sense to them and frankly, that's the kind of thing that prompts a change in perspective ... This is something that, you know, we've talked about over the years and she [Michelle], you know, she feels the same way, she feels the same way that I do."
Source: Rick Klein. "President Obama Affirms His Support for Same Sex Marriage." GMA.yahoo.com. 5/09/2012.

Mitt Romney: "My view is that marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman. That's the position I've had for some time, and I don't intend to make any adjustments at this point. ... Or ever, by the way."
Source: Rick Klein. "President Obama Affirms His Support for Same Sex Marriage." GMA.yahoo.com. 5/09/2012.

Creating time capsules on your wedding anniversaries won't take a lot of time. Plus, years from now, opening those capsules will mean a great deal to both of you and your children.

Poll: Do you and your spouse celebrate your wedding anniversaries? Vote!

Even though many relationship and sleep experts warn against having a television in your bedroom, many couples make the decision to have a TV in their bedroom anyway. Some couples make this decision because they want their bedroom to be a space where they can have alone time, a place to retreat to, a portion of the house they can call their own, and somewhere to watch television without the kids around.

We found two relationship experts who don't have a problem with couples having a television in their bedroom:

Dr. Pam: "The answer is that having a TV in your bedroom will only affect your intimacy if you let it. On the whole, I think a wise couple will make their bedroom a comfortable and sensual “love zone" that reflects their relationship."
Source: TheNest.com

Debbie Magids, Ph.D: "TV may very well be a relationship enhancer. Couples have bonded over favorite shows they watch together, every night or every week -- no matter what! It’s a chance to snuggle up in bed and make a pact to have alone time: The phone doesn’t get answered and the emails pile up on the computer in the next room."
Source: MSN.com.

Poll: Do you have a television in your bedroom? Vote!

If you've made the decision to have a television in your bedroom, here are ways to help make sure that the bedroom TV doesn't hurt your marriage.

This weekend will be a chance to be romantic right at home. All you have to do is walk outside, hold hands, and look at the perigee moon -- a "Supermoon"!

And don't forget to try and take a few photographs of Saturday's moon.

Read why NASA calls it a supermoon.

According to a national survey of law enforcement agencies by (PERF) "56 percent of [police] departments believe they have seen an increase in domestic violence due to the economy."

Camden Police Chief Scott Thomson: "When stresses in the home increase because of unemployment and other hardships, domestic violence increases. We see it on the street."
Source: Kevin Johnson. "Domestic Violence Rises in Sluggish Economy, Police Report." USAToday.com. 4/29/2012.

Related Content

National Domestic Violence Hotline

How to Tell If You Are Being Abused

Advice for Handling Unemployment and Financial Problems in Your Marriage

Alex Blackwell, author of Saying Yes to Change, wrote a guest post at Project Happily After. The post is worth reading.

Blackwell offers a husband's perspective on how to save or improve a marriage by having an awareness of "five simple words." The words are respect, give, share, enjoy, and persist.

Alex Blackwell: "Share everything. From the last piece of cake to monitoring your children's homework, take an active, equal role in the marriage. Resentment begins with a soft whisper before growing into a more demonstrative outburst. To share a life, the things in it must be shared too."
Source: Alisa Bowman. "5 Words That Saved a Marriage." ProjectHappilyeverafter.com. 5/02/2012.

Take a few minutes today to read Blackwell's thoughts on how to save a marriage.

More to Explore

Five Things You Can Do to Improve Your Marriage

Give the Best Gift Ever -- A More Sensitive, Loving, Dependable, Intimate, Positive You!

Saying Yes to Change -- Compare Prices

There's another survey out about marriage and finances, and the result is really no surprise. Couples telling lies to one another about money is one of the main reasons marriages end.

Martin Wolk: "Our survey makes it clear that money can be a huge stumbling block for relationships if couples don't take the time to talk about it frankly. It's one thing to fib about a new pair of shoes, but keeping serious money secrets from one another -- about problems with debt or spending -- can be a recipe for disaster."
Source: Chad Brooks. "Almost Half of Spouses Cheat ... With Money." BusinessNewsDaily.com. 4/25/2012.

Katherine Bindley: "Hiding purchases in the back of the closet and withdrawing money from joint bank accounts without telling their partners were just a few of the ways couples said they'd fibbed about finances. Women, it turns out, were the worse offenders, out-lying the men 56 percent to 37 percent, according to TODAY.com. Source: Katherine Bindley. "Nearly Half of Couples Lie About Money and Finances, Survey Finds." HuffingtonPost.com. 4/26/2012.

Lucy Danziger: "To have a successful relationship, you need to have trust, and hiding money secrets is a huge way to break that confidence. Open up about past debts, then lay some ground rules for the future and have a mutual agreement on your expenses."
Source: Chad Brooks. "Almost Half of Spouses Cheat ... With Money." BusinessNewsDaily.com. 4/25/2012.

Marriage Polls About Finances

Do you have a secret stash of money?

Do finances create conflict in your marriage?

More to Explore:

What To Do About Financial Infidelity

5 Sources of Financial Friction for Couples

How to Have Financial Harmony in Your Marriage

Why Spouses Hide Money

How to Spot a Liar

Comments about individuals believing they are marrying their soul mates are often mentioned in press releases and stories about long lasting marriages. Soul mate movie themes are popular, too.

We heard engaged couples on Engaged Encounter Weekends talking about how they found their soul mates. Advertisements for match making services try to sell the idea that you can find your soul mate by taking their tests.

If you believe in the idea of only one soul mate for each person, you may assume that a partnership of two soul mates should be able to handle challenging times easily. That may not always be the case.

Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., describes a soul mate as an "idealized lover", an "unattainable ideal", and a "flawed pursuit". But he also believes that by having a mature love relationship with openness, letting go of control, and making time for each other, you can have a soul mate experience with your spouse.

"I think there's a way to grow and develop the soul mate experience with your partner. It's attainable in reality, but only when it's part of mature adult love. That is, it emerges from a sustainable adult relationship -- a blend of erotic desire, friendship, and respect and support of each other's growth and development as independent, different human beings."
Source: Douglas LaBier, Ph.D. "Your Soul Mate Fantasy: How to Make It A Reality." PsychologyToday.com. 4/19/2010.

Poll:
     Did you marry your soul mate? Vote! ~ View Results