Marriage

According to our weather, summer is here! Here are some things you can do this summer that are both healthy and fun for your marriage relationship.

Full Article: Ideas for Summer Fun Together

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Photo: Larry Stritof

There are successful May-December marriages, but the Rupert-Deng marriage won't be one of them. It was confirmed today by Rupert's company that the couple filed divorce papers in New York.

Wendi Deng was called a "trophy wife" and a "tiger wife". Now she will be another one of Rupert Murdoch's ex-wives. Wendi's marriage to her first husband Jake Cherry lasted only 2 years and seven months. Jake was 30 years older than Wendi.

Rupert and Wendi began their relationship while he was still married to his second wife (1967-1999) Anna Maria Torv. His first marriage (1956-1967) to Patricia Booker also ended in divorce.

Our poll about complimenting your spouse shows what we think is too large a percentage of folks don't remember when they last complimented their spouse!

What??? How can a marriage survive without kindness and sincere compliments? If you want to cut down on negativity in your marriage, compliment your spouse on a daily basis. And we mean honest compliments about who your spouse is as a person -- not manipulative flattery or only focusing on what your spouse accomplishes.

Hara Estroff Marano: "Compliments are little gifts of love. They are not asked for or demanded. They tell a person they are worthy of notice. They are powerful gifts. But compliments work only if they are sincere reflections of what we think and if they are given freely and not coerced. Compliments backfire if they are not genuine. And faux flattery is usually highly transparent. A false compliment makes the speaker untrustworthy; it raises suspicions about motives. And that can undermine a whole relationship."
Source: Hara Estroff Marano. "The Art of the Compliment: Everyone needs to know how to give and receive compliments." PsychologyToday.com. 3/02/2004.

You also need to receive compliments from your spouse with a smile and true acceptance. A consequence of dismissing a compliment is hurting your spouse. It's like you said a gift you received is worthless.

Your marriage is influenced by many marriages. The marriages of your relatives and close friends can have a daily and sometimes subtle impact on your relationship with your spouse. Other marriages you learn about from the news, both successful and not so successful relationships, can influence your marriage too.

So, it's nice to see a long lasting married couple in the limelight helping their community. Sam Elliott and Katharine Ross, one of Hollywood's successfully married couples, are using their talent and celebrity influence to support the Malibu Playhouse.

Although Elliott and Ross don't often work together, they will perform as a couple in Love Letters on June 29, 2013. The play was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize for Drama and it spans 50 years in the lives of a star-crossed couple.

Photo: Malibu Playhouse

If you agree with statements like this one from John Gottman -- "Every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay" -- then take a few minutes to read "Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship" by Michael Fulwiler of The Gottman Institute.

Fulwiler lists some of the qualities Esther Perel talks about in her TEDTalks presentation about long-term couples who maintain desire in their marriage. Among them, schedule sex, leave love notes, and freely give compliments.

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While researching the successful marriage of Jean Stapleton and William Putch, I found this wonderful comment about her husband that she said in an interview in 1973.

Jean: "He's a man who 'liberated' his wife by being unselfish about her and loving her."
Source: "Jean Stapleton reflects on days of a tongue's slip." The Star-Phoenix. 1/17/1973. pg. 33.

That is a meaningful goal for all of us -- to be unselfish and to love.

At the end of this video, after saying his wife, Dr. Jill Biden, loves roses, Vice President Joe Biden added some advice for married men.

"My advice to all you married men: No matter how long you've been married, continue to court your wife if you know what's good for you."
Source: "The Vice President Tours The Serrezuela Flower Farm, Bogota, Columbia." The White House. 5/27/2013.

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Photo: pdphoto.org

We're sure you don't need to be reminded of the importance of the two of you setting goals together. But when was the last time you actually sat down, discussed goals and plans for your future? Then ... did you write them down, prioritize them, and come up with action plans to get working towards meeting those goals?

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With the release of the Pew Research Center's analysis of "Breadwinner Moms", we find it discouraging that many of the American public are still "conflicted" about the growing trend of more wives in the workplace.

"Half of all adults say the trend toward more women working has made it harder for marriages to be successful. Only about one-third (35%) say this change has made it easier for marriages to be successful, and 5% say it hasn't made much difference."
Source: Wendy Wang, Kim Parker, Paul Taylor. "Breadwinner Moms." PewSocialTrends.org. 5/29/2013.

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In his article "Stopping a Spill in Your Marriage", Steve Cooper advises couples to look for the leaks below the surface in their marriages. Cooper writes "Like the oil that is spreading and sticking to the Gulf Coast (and perhaps beyond), marriage leaks can permeate all facets of your relationship and gum up efforts to move forward."

Cooper is so right. There are many issues couples think they can sweep under the rug. But they can't. Those issues "below the surface" will leak and damage your marriage. Both the big ones and the smaller issues will rise to the surface in bickering, nit-picking, nagging, and more negativity in your marriage.

How do you handle conflict in your marriage? Do you fight fair or bury your head in the sand? Please share your story.