Porn and Marriage -- One Wife's Response
Sunday August 7, 2005
The debate continues about whether pornography creates problems in a marriage or not.
One of the readers of our Marriage Forum posted a question asking what to do when her husband continued to view porn and to lie about it to her even though he knew how much it hurt her.
One of the responses to her question showed how communication could bring about a change in attitudes and behaviors that could help a marriage cope with the porn issue.
Related: Can Pornography Undermine a Marriage? | Masturbation and Marriage
Comments
what a load of crap. this disregards fundamental spiritual and biblical principles. Pornography is an addition. Period. Get help!
I agree with Post 6542.16. Yes, pornography is an addiction (not addition.) However, a husband should be able to “get help” from his wife. If he is unable to communicate with her and she is unable to at least try to understand why he is progress is out of the question, no matter how much the men loves his wife (after all, why should a man be closer to a therapist than his wife?!)
Like the woman answering the original question, I’m speaking from my own experience. Here was the progression that took place in me after I realized that my husband whose love I trust without a drop of suspicion was unable to quit looking at porn:
- breaking down and hoping that realization of how much I’m hurt will make him stop
- talking with him and explaining why I believe it’s wrong in a setting of a marriage and why it hurts me so much
- trying to do it with him (that didn’t work so well since neither of us could enjoy it)
All of the above continued for many months till one fine day a friend of mine suggested that my husband and I set some goals for ourselves and decide where we want to end up in terms of this subject (by that point, we have been focusing on the feelings and emotions in the present but since there was a lot of hurt and judgment, it was hard to see where we were going.)
My husband and I decided that our goal for now will be to only experience porn together and see if that is something that works for us. In the meantime, I agreed to accept that a goal is something that we’re striving for, not something that is already achieved, thus - goal. I told my husband that even though it’d hurt me if he engaged in porn, it would be OK, because after all, he will try his best not to do it and I told him that I believed that one day, we (not him) will achieve our goal.
Another vital step was asking my partner to tell me if he had done “it” instead of hiding it so that we can talk about it but even better to tell me if he has a desire to do it before he does it (since he usually does it when I’m not home, I asked him to call me instead of doing it and just talk to me.)
His first such call today is what inspired me to reply to this post. We may not have reached our goal yet but I am happy. I know how hard it was for him to break his habit and call me instead and I also know that he was only able to do it because he believed that I wouldn’t judge him.
He may look at porn again when he’s weak but all of our efforts no longer make me feel less wanted than porn.
Lastly, it may be useful to think about the fact that your partner may’ve had this habit long before he even met you. Imagine how difficult it may be to break and if you can’t imagine, understand that it is not a replacement; if it was, he wouldn’t need you to start with. You don’t see many men being satisfied by porn alone. Yes, it would be tremendously nice if you alone could satisfy him but doesn’t that seem like a more likely option? It is achievable with a lot of work on both partners’ sides and an open mind.
I’m dealing with this now and I find all of the comments so far helpful in their own right.
Porn does create a problem in marriage if it is something that is not aggreed apon in the beginning or if it violates the couples religious views. I’m at the point where if my husband does not stop viewing porn it could end our marriage. Before doing that I have accepted his “habit” and decided to work on it for six months. We shop at the sex toy store and lingerie websites together, if this is not enough then yes it is over.
In a marriage, what one partner does affects the other. That is a fact. So yes, porn is a problem because it affects the person who is supposed to be the husband’s only object for affection.
I’m 3 months pregnant. Naturally it hurts to know that my husband looks at porn. i feel like he doesnt want me anymore, and when we’re together I pray he’s not picturing one of those perfectly proportioned women. As hard as it was i gave in and decided.. if it makes him happy, just go with it. But can i do it too? Can i look at porn and him be perfectly ok with it? why dont we try it and find out??
I’m a stay-at-home mom and my husband works hard (7am - 6pm) six days a week, so naturally we don’t get to see much of each other. I’m not really sure what to believe anymore as far as marriage and porn go. My husband used to tell me he would view porn because I wasn’t very intimate with him (I haven’t wanted to have sex as much since we had our second child). I decided that I should be more intimate with him (I have been a lot more) since he is my husband and I agreed to be in a relationship with him the day we got married. But that hasn’t been working. I’ve tried watching it with him for a few weeks and we’ve been to the adult store together to be more adventurous. He tries to hide everything by keeping his little tv in the way of his monitor on his pc. He even viewed the porn maybe an hour before he gave me my Valentine’s gift! I get mad at him because he lies to me about it, for example, I asked him what something was on his computer (he said he didn’t know what it was and told me to find out) and when I told him what it was he told me that I put it there so he would get in trouble! I have very low self-esteem and I have a poor self-image, so it seems like he does it to make me feel like I’m worthless…I don’t know what to do any more except cry. So it would seem to me that pornography does horrible things to a marriage depending on the two people involved.
To the lady who posted the comment above,
First, I address my sympathy to you for being in a sick situation liks this–your example proves how wrong and unresearched this about article is–that the men DO NOT get satisfied but crave even MORE of it. It’s a common “excuse” a husband may use sometimes, according to what I’ve read online. That he blames his wife not being intimate physically. Pornography does not enhance your relationship. I am sure that when these two people (the people in the article) were “making love”, they weren’t making love to each other, they were probably picturing what they had saw in the video. This is the real trap, not the “trap” of “allowing porn to hurt you”. I mean, if it hurts you, it tells you something–it isn’t right. Secondly, why hide/deny the emotion of being hurt? This is one of those “defense mechanisms”. There are so many more points to counter here. Remember, pornography is cybersex and sex outside marriage is adultery so porn-use is adultery and not to mention degrading of the person you are looking at–you use them as an object for your own selfish pleasure. Another thought, they article says that she didn’t mind it later on, let me ask this: would you have married your husband if he told you before the wedding, or even before you walking down the carpet that “hmm… I hope you are okay with the fact that I am going to be looking at pictures of other women in case we don’t spend much time together. Would you have walked down the carpet and married that man? I think not, because he’s telling you that he’s going to be committing adultery later on. I recommend the websites: www.family.org and blazinggrace.org/index.html (which by the way has a forum and a story from a former pornography actress and how she was involved and out of porn industry and the process during. I hope this is helpful. You guys should definitely pray together–it helps alot, you express your feelings and your thoughts and your deepest concerns to God together. I also hope that your relationship will be intimate again–not just physically of course.
Like a mistress, porn can corrupt relationships. Remember, it’s not just the pictures, deep down, it’s a craving to satisfy a selfish desire without making an commitment.
Haha… I laugh at all these comments because for the most part, they’re from a bunch of desperate housewives.
Honestly, I hate to be such a jerk, but look at it this way… Men aren’t the only people on the planet who watch porn. Plus, porn isn’t the addiction. Nor would it ever be the woman’s, who of which performs in it, “perfect” body that becomes the addiction. Those women are fake. If you ask any religious person, God created man and woman to perfection. We non-fake people are the perfect ones. Those women of porn have incredibly disproportioned breasts as it relates to their bodies, lipo, face lifts, and 50 million other things that definitely make them fake. The addiction is the chemical rush. It’s scientifically proven that it’s endorphins that are the addiction. When watching porn and masturbating, the individual committing the act, both man and woman, create within themselves a temporary chemical change.
Now, while we’re on the topic of masturbation, is it only men who masturbate? Most folks will agree when I say “No.” Will you say that masturbation is bad. Some people will agree and disagree. Now let me ask another question… Which gender is more likely to use sex toys while masturbating? I will find few who will disagree when I say it’s women that are more likely. How do you think most guys would feel if they were to find out that their wives, who have been using sex toys since before they were together, were using something a little bigger than he is?? Well, I’ll let you know now, as a guy, that I would be extremely disappointed and have a horrible case of low self-esteem. Now, I at that point could attempt to go into conversation with her and tell her how it hurts me when she uses that “thing,” but it’s not only men who would lie after having a conversation like that. I’m sure the likelihood of a woman then hiding the fact that she still does it is just as great as a man’s desire to hide the truth.
With all that said, let’s go back to the endorphin thing. There are a few ways out there to help this. If in fact, your man or woman, has a problem with porn which is connected to masturbation, there’s a simple way to fix it although not many people are really desirous to go this far… Exercise. A vigorous workout gives the same effect as masturbation when it comes to an endorphin rush. If your loved-one has an addiction to that rush, kindly try to get him/her to make the switch to exercise. I guarantee that it will EVENTUALLY become just as addicting and their mind will eventually switch from, “I want to watch porn for my rush,” to “I want to work out for my rush.” It’s the same thing that generally happens when smokers switch to gum or when drug addicts switch to alcohol. They shift what gives them pleasure to a different entity altogether.
Now, some of you may wonder who I am to give any of this advice. I’m a 23 year old man who has served time in the military, an environment which, believe it or not, has highly sexual beings in nature, and have watched porn since I was in my very early teens. I’m also religious. I love God and all the blessings He has ever given to me. One of those blessings has been a desire for knowledge. I love studying things I don’t understand and for the longest time, I didn’t understand why I kept going back to porn. Now, I know.
I hope this may help you all and I’m sure there’s plenty more knowledge out there than I can offer if you take more time to study, research and build your knowledge-base rather than spend so much time simply complaining.
God bless you all and may you find your answers.
thanks Joe for your insight. I would like to ask you a question (or two) though, since you are a guy. Do men fantasize about having sex with the women in the porn movies? or when they look at attractive women. Because that is what bothers me the most about this whole topic. Is it that we (the women) are not enough for our men? Can it be harmless? or is it a prelude of worse things to come for *most* men in your opinion?
To say that a woman is “not enough” for her man because he watches porn is a poor self esteem issue. Are people actually threatened by pictures and movies??? Just because you enjoy watching something doesn’t mean you want it to happen in real life. I watch horror movies; doesn’t mean I want Jason to hack me up with a knife. I enjoy looking at women’s fashion; doesn’t mean I want to wear it. I ENJOY watching other women; DOESN’T MEAN I would EVER have sex with anyone but my wife.
BTW, I know Christian fundementalists THINK they have the only valid view of spirituality, but I don’t feel the need to deny my humanity and beat myself up for my own human nature in order to have a spiritual relationship with G-d. It’s a free world, but I don’t run around trying to make porn shops on every corner; please stop running around trying to shut them down!
The use of pornography can break down the self esteem of any spouse after time. Even someone strong in who they are will begin to question their attractiveness to their spouse - when their spouse is constantly looking for gratification from 20-30 year old women. Real wives age, have babies and change. Pornography isn’t the problem as much as men who view it constantly. If you need that to get by- no matter what your excuse/explanation - you will constantly need more and more to stimulate you. It’s a shame that the very good feeling of orgasm isn’t shared in a marriage building manner. What a waste of good feelings toward your spouse.
Didn’t we say we’d love honer and cherish each other when we married? How does looking at porn do any of those things? Porn is harmful to a marriage because it is telling your spouse “I am more important and I put my needs above you.” Sex is the biggest driving force in our brains but does that mean we have to view or do it all day long? have some self control. I think that a huge problem is that selfishness that people just can’t seem to give up. People say get over it or accept it because YOU are more important. Wouldn’t it be the same thing to invite a woman or a man and a woman into your home and watch them pose or have sex on your living room floor? Do you think that would be disrespectful to your partner if they had even a SLIGHT problem with you looking at porn. I’m not saying that those people are bad people but I definitly think it is a bad and harmful behavior. Are you proud of it? would you let your kids watch you do it?
I’ve been married for 1 year now, but my husband and I dated for 7 years. I knew he regularly watched porn before we got married. At first he used the excuse that he used it when I wasn’t around, but now we’re married and we live together. My husband is 29 and I’m 26 and we’re both in good shape, but I don’t understand why our bed has grown extremely cold. I get curious all the time and think something is going on. He says he’s over his sexual peek and that I am hitting mine, but it’s funny that I routinely catch his “peek” working just fine for porn. I suggested watching them with him, but he says NO THANKS!! I practically began begging for sex every 20 to 30 days, which had gone on for 5 months! I find it hurtful and troubling that he didn’t notice we lack intimacy and a fun sexual appetite, which I thought improved with marriage. Please excuse me for being vague, but I actually pray for orgasms and foreplay - but he just not interested in satisfying me. I always make sure he’s satisfied in every way. Why does he prefer watching others doing it?
Thank God I have good self-esteem - so I’ve decided to work on being more sexier, which has caught his attention a little!! Still not a huge improvement in the sex department! There are countless nights and mornings I continue to catch him sneaking to the computer, which result in nasty arguments. I tried getting even with him by using sex toys, but I don’t tell that it bothers him. That wasn’t making me happy anyways, instead it made me feel worse/ dirty even. Sadly, feelings of resentment and loneliness are increasing. I am starting to enjoy the attention I receive from a friend that shares my beliefs about marital relations. I love my husband, but I know this isn’t healthy. Counseling is an option I’ve considered, but he probably shoot that down. I’m not sure how much of this I’m going to take. Life is too short!
I have read your comments with interest. I am a married woman of 24 years and find myself in a state of confusion. My husband who is 47 has decided that he needs to have more ‘adventurous’ sex. He has watched and looked at porn since he was 15 and on and off during our marriage. I have begged him to stop. I have told him how that makes me feel and how that is hurting our marriage. I really don’t think he cares. Now he wants to start doing some unspeakable things - I say this because he won’t tell me exactly what he wants, only that is doesn’t involve animals… He is dead serious. I have asked for us to go to counseling to have him realize that this is not how the vast majority of people are. Any thoughts?
Concerned wife — I would walk away, you are too young to waste your life on that man.
Pornography can lead to addiction in some people and result in broken marriages. There are forums on the internet for addicted people and their partners.
I don’t think the use of pornography should be encouraged or accepted as widely as it is in our culture. Boys get caught up in it before they have any forethought of ever getting married and they carry that habit into their marriages. When there is marital conflict they will preferentially turn to resolving their feelings in a selfish manner, which leads to an ever-colder marriage.
If pornography isn’t something you would naturally find alluring, don’t compromise your values and your sexual identity by “going along for the ride.” Most likely, he’d rather do it alone anyway, and will only chose something tame, since you’re there.
Ever-increasingly pornography is becoming more violent and expressive of male domination over women. The nature of this material continues to grow more extreme, in that “main-stream” material is what used to be considered “hard-core.” This is a slippery slope, and not just for addicts.
As a woman married and faithful to the same man for 24 years, I have had tons of fun with my husband watching porn. The problem many women have is comparing themselves to and feeling threatened by women in porn. Why not do what I do and focus on the men in porn?! Gets me very excited which absolutely thrills my husband. After 24 years, we still have a fantastic sex life.
The reality is that porn use is a substitution for a honest relationship with another human being. It takes much more effort to make a real woman happy then to just turn on the computer and masturbate. It is very selfish and requires nothing from the man. True love is intimate and requires a RELATIONSHIP with another person. Do not fool yourselves into thinking that your husband is not thinking of the women in the porn when he is with you. Get real! Studies have proven that porn use is progressive and they will ultimately move on to harsher things, and spending more time in front of the computer, it is a trap that is replacing true love and intimacy with another person. You can never compete with porn. Don’t even try, that’s stupid. Do you go to the bar with the alcoholic husband so that he’ll spend time with you? Talk about CO-DEPENDENT! Its uninformed people who make comments about porn not being dangerous to our society that are creating the “ted bundy’s” of the world, who has openly admitted that his increasing porn addiction, eventually drove him to the depths of murdered and rapist. WAKE UP people!
I am a 28 year old woman and i am married with 2 boys.
I think i am on the brink of divorce over this whole porn thing.
My husband hides the fact that he watches and masterbates to it, now i know that masterbation is normal. I know that porn doesn’t have to be viewed as an evil thing, however when i am at work (we work opposing shifts) he get’s on line and has at it.
He says oh, your not there and i need it more than you and blah, blahlblah
He can stay up to play a ps3 game after doing this, but, says he can’t stay up and wait for me (i bartend so i don’t always get home early)
I just want to know is porn really worth losing everything over–And to the men out there, why can’t you just be happy without it?
WRONG! Masturbation is not normal. Is using anything for a edorphin release (high) normal? Masturbation is used to relieve tension, stress, or feelings that the man is unable to deal with. Masturbation is not normal. Take it from someone with a psych degree. You’re are in denial and making excuses for his behavior. It is normal to deal with feelings and not try to relieve them through masturbation. It is an addictive crutch.
It is a very hurtful thing. my husband does not think of anything but his dick when he does it. Certainly my self-esteem never crosses his mind. I really do not want children with this man unless he demonstrates the resolve to change this evil habit and not poison any of my future offspring with it. I really don’t believe in divorce, but he hurts me so much more than a razorblade ever could.