Surviving Deployments
Just in time for Independence Day, author/columnist Gene-Thomas Gomulka has asked us to post a column he wrote on the difficulties military marriages face during deployments. National Guard and Reserve families often have even less support since these couples often don't live near a military base.
Surviving Deployments by Gene-Thomas Gomulka
More Marriage Tips for Military Couples
SURVIVING DEPLOYMENTS
Dear Gene-Thomas,My husband is deployed and I am not only worried about his safety, but also about problems like divorce and infidelity that I see affecting other military couples.
Maddie
Dear Maddie,
Military couples experience challenges that many of their civilian counterparts are spared. Multiple long-term separations in particular can have a harmful affect upon even the best of relationships. When I wrote The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military, it was not only to help dating and engaged couples assess their preparedness for marriage, but also to help married couples survive the challenges posed by military life, including multiple deployments.
A number of service men and women are already on their third deployment to war-torn countries like Iraq and Afghanistan. During such separations, it is critical that you take advantage of the multiple means of communicating that are available today (email, letters, cards, video conferencing), all of which can help keep your love for one another alive and strong. Even though many spouses may wish to communicate on a daily basis, they need to know that operational circumstances may develop that can prevent them from communicating with one another for given periods of time.
Trust is the foundation upon which all marriages are built. Love cannot endure without it. Marriages cannot survive if there is a lack of trust between the partners. One should never assume that infidelity will occur simply because someone else may be known to have been unfaithful. Find encouragement in the fact that most military couples do not have to deal with this problem during deployments because of the love and commitment they feel for one another.
Your decision to marry was not a one-time matter, but is something that needs to be reaffirmed daily, weekly, monthly and annually. When both spouses firmly believe that marriage is a life-long commitment and they work together to strengthen that commitment, their chances of surviving even the most difficult challenges posed by military life are significantly enhanced.
Couples who have to deal with multiple deployments need to share their expectations about being apart from one another, as well as their expectations once they are together again. The reunion phase requires great sensitivity on the part of both the deployed service member as well as all members of his or her family. While reconnecting may require some time alone apart from the children, parents and in-laws should not be too intrusive lest their presence and involvement harm the reunification process of the military family.
These are only but a few suggestions for you and your deployed husband. Just because some people you know may be getting divorced should not threaten your own marriage commitment. Instead of being harmed by the problems experienced by other military couples, write your husband now. Tell him how proud you are of him; how much you love and miss him; and how you can’t wait to embrace him upon his return.
by Gene-Thomas Gomulka, Author and Columnist
Wow just writing it all down sounds so simple. IT’S NOT SIMPLE! We both have needs, everyone has needs. Everyone wants to make it seem like sunshine and flowers send care packages, talk on the phone, e-mails, letters ect… It only helps so much. No matter how much you tell them you’ll be here for them when they get home so many divorces and cheating is going on they don’t believe a word your saying backing you into a wall and you’re ready to run for the hills yourself. Sick of dealing with paranoid hubby when I do nothing wrong it doesn’t matter that we talk every day he is always “worried” I’m going to leave him like all the other wives and girlfriends are doing to his fellow troops. Sometimes I feel that’s what he wants me to do. No one tells the truth of what’s really going on. No one cares either. Your military your not around family you become the 3rd wheel to your friends they stop contacting you and the only thing your left with is finding someone to just simply talk to! This is why people do stupid stuff. This is lonely and very dark. I hang out with a few other wives but most of them want to make sure your drama is worse than theirs to make them feel better about how they are dealing with everything.
This article was useless information.
One of the first lessons I learned as a military chaplain was that, despite my best efforts, I could not save all of the couples in my unit that were experiencing marital problems. While family support groups, ombudsmen and chaplains can help some spouses not lose hope amidst the loneliness and challenges of life in the military, a number of military spouses feel the despair reflected in Misy’s comments. Many like Misy will commiserate with other spouses that, unfortunately, cannot offer them the wise advice and professional help many of them need to survive the challenges of military life. Even though the military employs family counselors and chaplains, and also offers the option of no-cost civilian marriage counseling through Military OneSource (1-800-342-9647), a large percentage of troubled couples will divorce rather than utilize professional help that can help save and strengthen their relationships. One of the reasons for writing The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military was to help spouses like Misy learn some valuable lessons about how to cope and deal with challenges like deployments, accusations of infidelity, and other problems. In so far as over a hundred married military couples provided input into the various issues addressed in The Survival Guide, including “surviving deployments,” I regret that Misy found the “information” to be “useless.” While I hope other military spouses may have found some encouragement and value in some of the recommendations contained within the article, I would encourage Misy to reach out beyond her “misery loves company” group and get the positive encouragement and professional help that she and her spouse apparently need.
well, for me this article is so true…my husband is deployed and we been married for 3 years and its hard being away from each other but if u trust each other and love each truely than deployments arnt so hard…my husband write me everyday and send me email like 10 times a day…i send him care packages every week and he calls me everytime they port and he calls me on ship when he can….i dont talk that much to other wives here because alot of time they try to discourage you and make u think negative but i chat with my kv and the wives whos husbands are deployed with mine…and its helps…but honest this article is true…everything it says me and my hubby are doing and it helps…so thank you for writing it and…and honestly…u have to think postive during deployments…its hard…its sad and lonely…but its best to not see it as “he left” but as “he’s coming soon” thats how me and my hubby see it…
I feel for Misy and other spouses like her. My husband is deployed and yes it is very hard, but we love eachother. We trust that we will be together soon and will survive the long seperation. I truly feel that a lot of couple either get married for the wrong reasons or they start to let too many reasons seperate them and they don’t even try to get help to fix it. My husband and I talk on the phone at least every other day and we send emails everyday. We try to talk as much as possible. Honestly I think the time apart is appreciated by the fact that we get to miss eachother and wonder what we can do together when we see eachother again. We don’t look at our seperation as a bad thing but instead as a spice to our relationship. Maybe people should stop being so negative all the time and try to see things from a brighter point of view. It has to work from both sides also. That’s just what I think anyway. So thanks for the article it was great advice.
My husband is on his 6th deployment. Each time it gets harder and harder to have him gone. We love each other very much and we relay our love to each other whenever we are able to communicate. We do not get to talk to each other, email, write all the time. Whit my husband being higher in rank his job is totally different and his time is more focused on his mission/troops. I know I and our child are in his thoughts as he is always in ours.
I have my days where I am very sad and I cry at the drop of a hat… I’m 48 yrs old and i’m in-love with my husband and have been for 16 years. He’s my best friend and being apart is rough. I know he feels the same for me… I wish we could talk/see each other everyday too… Even when my husband is not deplyed and when he’s back home, he works hard at his job and he gets home around 2100hrs… He’s 24/7 He’s the US ARMY. I’m proud of him, I support him in wht he is doing for our country and I love and miss him very much.