Porn and Marriage -- One Wife's Response

what a load of c. this disregards fundamental spiritual and biblical principles. Pornography is an addition. Period. Get help!

I agree with Post 6542.16. Yes, pornography is an addiction (not addition.) However, a husband should be able to “get help” from his wife. If he is unable to communicate with her and she is unable to at least try to understand why he is progress is out of the question, no matter how much the men loves his wife (after all, why should a man be closer to a therapist than his wife?!)

Like the woman answering the original question, I’m speaking from my own experience. Here was the progression that took place in me after I realized that my husband whose love I trust without a drop of suspicion was unable to quit looking at porn:
- breaking down and hoping that realization of how much I’m hurt will make him stop
- talking with him and explaining why I believe it’s wrong in a setting of a marriage and why it hurts me so much
- trying to do it with him (that didn’t work so well since neither of us could enjoy it)

All of the above continued for many months till one fine day a friend of mine suggested that my husband and I set some goals for ourselves and decide where we want to end up in terms of this subject (by that point, we have been focusing on the feelings and emotions in the present but since there was a lot of hurt and judgment, it was hard to see where we were going.)

My husband and I decided that our goal for now will be to only experience porn together and see if that is something that works for us. In the meantime, I agreed to accept that a goal is something that we’re striving for, not something that is already achieved, thus – goal. I told my husband that even though it’d hurt me if he engaged in porn, it would be OK, because after all, he will try his best not to do it and I told him that I believed that one day, we (not him) will achieve our goal.

Another vital step was asking my partner to tell me if he had done “it” instead of hiding it so that we can talk about it but even better to tell me if he has a desire to do it before he does it (since he usually does it when I’m not home, I asked him to call me instead of doing it and just talk to me.)

His first such call today is what inspired me to reply to this post. We may not have reached our goal yet but I am happy. I know how hard it was for him to break his habit and call me instead and I also know that he was only able to do it because he believed that I wouldn’t judge him.

He may look at porn again when he’s weak but all of our efforts no longer make me feel less wanted than porn.

Lastly, it may be useful to think about the fact that your partner may’ve had this habit long before he even met you. Imagine how difficult it may be to break and if you can’t imagine, understand that it is not a replacement; if it was, he wouldn’t need you to start with. You don’t see many men being satisfied by porn alone. Yes, it would be tremendously nice if you alone could satisfy him but doesn’t that seem like a more likely option? It is achievable with a lot of work on both partners’ sides and an open mind.

I’m dealing with this now and I find all of the comments so far helpful in their own right.

Porn does create a problem in marriage if it is something that is not aggreed apon in the beginning or if it violates the couples religious views. I’m at the point where if my husband does not stop viewing porn it could end our marriage. Before doing that I have accepted his “habit” and decided to work on it for six months. We shop at the sex toy store and lingerie websites together, if this is not enough then yes it is over.

In a marriage, what one partner does affects the other. That is a fact. So yes, porn is a problem because it affects the person who is supposed to be the husband’s only object for affection.

I’m 3 months pregnant. Naturally it hurts to know that my husband looks at porn. i feel like he doesnt want me anymore, and when we’re together I pray he’s not picturing one of those perfectly proportioned women. As hard as it was i gave in and decided.. if it makes him happy, just go with it. But can i do it too? Can i look at porn and him be perfectly ok with it? why dont we try it and find out??

I’m a stay-at-home mom and my husband works hard (7am – 6pm) six days a week, so naturally we don’t get to see much of each other. I’m not really sure what to believe anymore as far as marriage and porn go. My husband used to tell me he would view porn because I wasn’t very intimate with him (I haven’t wanted to have sex as much since we had our second child). I decided that I should be more intimate with him (I have been a lot more) since he is my husband and I agreed to be in a relationship with him the day we got married. But that hasn’t been working. I’ve tried watching it with him for a few weeks and we’ve been to the adult store together to be more adventurous. He tries to hide everything by keeping his little tv in the way of his monitor on his pc. He even viewed the porn maybe an hour before he gave me my Valentine’s gift! I get mad at him because he lies to me about it, for example, I asked him what something was on his computer (he said he didn’t know what it was and told me to find out) and when I told him what it was he told me that I put it there so he would get in trouble! I have very low self-esteem and I have a poor self-image, so it seems like he does it to make me feel like I’m worthless…I don’t know what to do any more except cry. So it would seem to me that pornography does horrible things to a marriage depending on the two people involved.

To the lady who posted the comment above,

First, I address my sympathy to you for being in a sick situation liks this–your example proves how wrong and unresearched this about article is–that the men DO NOT get satisfied but crave even MORE of it. It’s a common “excuse” a husband may use sometimes, according to what I’ve read online. That he blames his wife not being intimate physically. Pornography does not enhance your relationship. I am sure that when these two people (the people in the article) were “making love”, they weren’t making love to each other, they were probably picturing what they had saw in the video. This is the real trap, not the “trap” of “allowing porn to hurt you”. I mean, if it hurts you, it tells you something–it isn’t right. Secondly, why hide/deny the emotion of being hurt? This is one of those “defense mechanisms”. There are so many more points to counter here. Remember, pornography is cybersex and sex outside marriage is adultery so porn-use is adultery and not to mention degrading of the person you are looking at–you use them as an object for your own selfish pleasure. Another thought, they article says that she didn’t mind it later on, let me ask this: would you have married your husband if he told you before the wedding, or even before you walking down the carpet that “hmm… I hope you are okay with the fact that I am going to be looking at pictures of other women in case we don’t spend much time together. Would you have walked down the carpet and married that man? I think not, because he’s telling you that he’s going to be committing adultery later on. I recommend the websites: http://www.family.org and blazinggrace.org/index.html (which by the way has a forum and a story from a former pornography actress and how she was involved and out of porn industry and the process during. I hope this is helpful. You guys should definitely pray together–it helps alot, you express your feelings and your thoughts and your deepest concerns to God together. I also hope that your relationship will be intimate again–not just physically of course.

Like a mistress, porn can corrupt relationships. Remember, it’s not just the pictures, deep down, it’s a craving to satisfy a selfish desire without making an commitment.

Haha… I laugh at all these comments because for the most part, they’re from a bunch of desperate housewives.

Honestly, I hate to be such a jerk, but look at it this way… Men aren’t the only people on the planet who watch porn. Plus, porn isn’t the addiction. Nor would it ever be the woman’s, who of which performs in it, “perfect” body that becomes the addiction. Those women are fake. If you ask any religious person, God created man and woman to perfection. We non-fake people are the perfect ones. Those women of porn have incredibly disproportioned breasts as it relates to their bodies, lipo, face lifts, and 50 million other things that definitely make them fake. The addiction is the chemical rush. It’s scientifically proven that it’s endorphins that are the addiction. When watching porn and masturbating, the individual committing the act, both man and woman, create within themselves a temporary chemical change.

Now, while we’re on the topic of masturbation, is it only men who masturbate? Most folks will agree when I say “No.” Will you say that masturbation is bad. Some people will agree and disagree. Now let me ask another question… Which gender is more likely to use sex toys while masturbating? I will find few who will disagree when I say it’s women that are more likely. How do you think most guys would feel if they were to find out that their wives, who have been using sex toys since before they were together, were using something a little bigger than he is?? Well, I’ll let you know now, as a guy, that I would be extremely disappointed and have a horrible case of low self-esteem. Now, I at that point could attempt to go into conversation with her and tell her how it hurts me when she uses that “thing,” but it’s not only men who would lie after having a conversation like that. I’m sure the likelihood of a woman then hiding the fact that she still does it is just as great as a man’s desire to hide the truth.

With all that said, let’s go back to the endorphin thing. There are a few ways out there to help this. If in fact, your man or woman, has a problem with porn which is connected to masturbation, there’s a simple way to fix it although not many people are really desirous to go this far… Exercise. A vigorous workout gives the same effect as masturbation when it comes to an endorphin rush. If your loved-one has an addiction to that rush, kindly try to get him/her to make the switch to exercise. I guarantee that it will EVENTUALLY become just as addicting and their mind will eventually switch from, “I want to watch porn for my rush,” to “I want to work out for my rush.” It’s the same thing that generally happens when smokers switch to gum or when drug addicts switch to alcohol. They shift what gives them pleasure to a different entity altogether.

Now, some of you may wonder who I am to give any of this advice. I’m a 23 year old man who has served time in the military, an environment which, believe it or not, has highly sexual beings in nature, and have watched porn since I was in my very early teens. I’m also religious. I love God and all the blessings He has ever given to me. One of those blessings has been a desire for knowledge. I love studying things I don’t understand and for the longest time, I didn’t understand why I kept going back to porn. Now, I know.

I hope this may help you all and I’m sure there’s plenty more knowledge out there than I can offer if you take more time to study, research and build your knowledge-base rather than spend so much time simply complaining.

God bless you all and may you find your answers.

thanks Joe for your insight. I would like to ask you a question (or two) though, since you are a guy. Do men fantasize about having sex with the women in the porn movies? or when they look at attractive women. Because that is what bothers me the most about this whole topic. Is it that we (the women) are not enough for our men? Can it be harmless? or is it a prelude of worse things to come for *most* men in your opinion?

To say that a woman is “not enough” for her man because he watches porn is a poor self esteem issue. Are people actually threatened by pictures and movies??? Just because you enjoy watching something doesn’t mean you want it to happen in real life. I watch horror movies; doesn’t mean I want Jason to hack me up with a knife. I enjoy looking at women’s fashion; doesn’t mean I want to wear it. I ENJOY watching other women; DOESN’T MEAN I would EVER have sex with anyone but my wife.

BTW, I know Christian fundementalists THINK they have the only valid view of spirituality, but I don’t feel the need to deny my humanity and beat myself up for my own human nature in order to have a spiritual relationship with G-d. It’s a free world, but I don’t run around trying to make porn shops on every corner; please stop running around trying to shut them down!

The use of pornography can break down the self esteem of any spouse after time. Even someone strong in who they are will begin to question their attractiveness to their spouse – when their spouse is constantly looking for gratification from 20-30 year old women. Real wives age, have babies and change. Pornography isn’t the problem as much as men who view it constantly. If you need that to get by- no matter what your excuse/explanation – you will constantly need more and more to stimulate you. It’s a shame that the very good feeling of orgasm isn’t shared in a marriage building manner. What a waste of good feelings toward your spouse.

Didn’t we say we’d love honer and cherish each other when we married? How does looking at porn do any of those things? Porn is harmful to a marriage because it is telling your spouse “I am more important and I put my needs above you.” Sex is the biggest driving force in our brains but does that mean we have to view or do it all day long? have some self control. I think that a huge problem is that selfishness that people just can’t seem to give up. People say get over it or accept it because YOU are more important. Wouldn’t it be the same thing to invite a woman or a man and a woman into your home and watch them pose or have sex on your living room floor? Do you think that would be disrespectful to your partner if they had even a SLIGHT problem with you looking at porn. I’m not saying that those people are bad people but I definitly think it is a bad and harmful behavior. Are you proud of it? would you let your kids watch you do it?

I’ve been married for 1 year now, but my husband and I dated for 7 years. I knew he regularly watched porn before we got married. At first he used the excuse that he used it when I wasn’t around, but now we’re married and we live together. My husband is 29 and I’m 26 and we’re both in good shape, but I don’t understand why our bed has grown extremely cold. I get curious all the time and think something is going on. He says he’s over his sexual peek and that I am hitting mine, but it’s funny that I routinely catch his “peek” working just fine for porn. I suggested watching them with him, but he says NO THANKS!! I practically began begging for sex every 20 to 30 days, which had gone on for 5 months! I find it hurtful and troubling that he didn’t notice we lack intimacy and a fun sexual appetite, which I thought improved with marriage. Please excuse me for being vague, but I actually pray for orgasms and foreplay – but he just not interested in satisfying me. I always make sure he’s satisfied in every way. Why does he prefer watching others doing it?

Thank God I have good self-esteem – so I’ve decided to work on being more sexier, which has caught his attention a little!! Still not a huge improvement in the sex department! There are countless nights and mornings I continue to catch him sneaking to the computer, which result in nasty arguments. I tried getting even with him by using sex toys, but I don’t tell that it bothers him. That wasn’t making me happy anyways, instead it made me feel worse/ dirty even. Sadly, feelings of resentment and loneliness are increasing. I am starting to enjoy the attention I receive from a friend that shares my beliefs about marital relations. I love my husband, but I know this isn’t healthy. Counseling is an option I’ve considered, but he probably shoot that down. I’m not sure how much of this I’m going to take. Life is too short!

I have read your comments with interest. I am a married woman of 24 years and find myself in a state of confusion. My husband who is 47 has decided that he needs to have more ‘adventurous’ sex. He has watched and looked at porn since he was 15 and on and off during our marriage. I have begged him to stop. I have told him how that makes me feel and how that is hurting our marriage. I really don’t think he cares. Now he wants to start doing some unspeakable things – I say this because he won’t tell me exactly what he wants, only that is doesn’t involve animals… He is dead serious. I have asked for us to go to counseling to have him realize that this is not how the vast majority of people are. Any thoughts?

Concerned wife — I would walk away, you are too young to waste your life on that man.

Pornography can lead to addiction in some people and result in broken marriages. There are forums on the internet for addicted people and their partners.

I don’t think the use of pornography should be encouraged or accepted as widely as it is in our culture. Boys get caught up in it before they have any forethought of ever getting married and they carry that habit into their marriages. When there is marital conflict they will preferentially turn to resolving their feelings in a selfish manner, which leads to an ever-colder marriage.

If pornography isn’t something you would naturally find alluring, don’t compromise your values and your sexual identity by “going along for the ride.” Most likely, he’d rather do it alone anyway, and will only chose something tame, since you’re there.

Ever-increasingly pornography is becoming more violent and expressive of male domination over women. The nature of this material continues to grow more extreme, in that “main-stream” material is what used to be considered “hard-core.” This is a slippery slope, and not just for addicts.

As a woman married and faithful to the same man for 24 years, I have had tons of fun with my husband watching porn. The problem many women have is comparing themselves to and feeling threatened by women in porn. Why not do what I do and focus on the men in porn?! Gets me very excited which absolutely thrills my husband. After 24 years, we still have a fantastic sex life.

The reality is that porn use is a substitution for a honest relationship with another human being. It takes much more effort to make a real woman happy then to just turn on the computer and masturbate. It is very selfish and requires nothing from the man. True love is intimate and requires a RELATIONSHIP with another person. Do not fool yourselves into thinking that your husband is not thinking of the women in the porn when he is with you. Get real! Studies have proven that porn use is progressive and they will ultimately move on to harsher things, and spending more time in front of the computer, it is a trap that is replacing true love and intimacy with another person. You can never compete with porn. Don’t even try, that’s stupid. Do you go to the bar with the alcoholic husband so that he’ll spend time with you? Talk about CO-DEPENDENT! Its uninformed people who make comments about porn not being dangerous to our society that are creating the “ted bundy’s” of the world, who has openly admitted that his increasing porn addiction, eventually drove him to the depths of murdered and rapist. WAKE UP people!

I am a 28 year old woman and i am married with 2 boys.
I think i am on the brink of divorce over this whole porn thing.
My husband hides the fact that he watches and masterbates to it, now i know that masterbation is normal. I know that porn doesn’t have to be viewed as an evil thing, however when i am at work (we work opposing shifts) he get’s on line and has at it.
He says oh, your not there and i need it more than you and blah, blahlblah
He can stay up to play a ps3 game after doing this, but, says he can’t stay up and wait for me (i bartend so i don’t always get home early)
I just want to know is porn really worth losing everything over–And to the men out there, why can’t you just be happy without it?

WRONG! Masturbation is not normal. Is using anything for a edorphin release (high) normal? Masturbation is used to relieve tension, stress, or feelings that the man is unable to deal with. Masturbation is not normal. Take it from someone with a psych degree. You’re are in denial and making excuses for his behavior. It is normal to deal with feelings and not try to relieve them through masturbation. It is an addictive crutch.

It is a very hurtful thing. my husband does not think of anything but his dick when he does it. Certainly my self-esteem never crosses his mind. I really do not want children with this man unless he demonstrates the resolve to change this evil habit and not poison any of my future offspring with it. I really don’t believe in divorce, but he hurts me so much more than a razorblade ever could.

I feel the same way as most of you women do. I am even eight months pregnant. Awhile back my husband and I had a talk about porn and he said that he would respect me and not look at it. For awhile he didnt….only bc i was home all the time. Now, Ive started working out of the house and everytime I go to work he looks at it. MY dad had an addiction to porn and it ruined his and my moms marriage. I dont want my marriage to end like theirs. So I blocked the sites that he was going to hoping that he might get the hint. Well turns out now he’s going to even more measures to hide it from me. Obviously he knows that I know and that it hurts me. And he wonders why I dont want to have sex with him. Its hard for me to even want to bc I know that what he is looking at is not what I look like….or even close..not even close to what I looked like before pregnancy. On top of it I cant even remember the last time he called me beautiful. I even tried being more adventurous for awhile hoping that would calm his urge. I tried even doing it before I left the house that way he wouldnt have the excuse that he needed to and 1 hour after I left bam he was already online. I cant believe he thinks that he’s fooling me. I dont know how to talk to him about it without just sceaming bc I am so hurt. He knows about my parents situation and he knows how hurt it makes me. Please someone help me.

It is not about sex. You can not satisfy his urges by having sex with him before you leave. It has NOTHING to do with you~!!!!!!! I wish I could make that as clear as glass. NOTHING! You could be perfect in everyway and he would still do it. It is his CHOSEN way to deal with his stress and anxiety about whatever may be bothering him. You did not cause it and you can NOT control it! It is up to him to take responsibility for his behavior. He is willingly doing something that he knows is hurting you. That should speak volumes! Those who want to stop – DO! It is an addiction and unless he gets counseling and help he will continue and it will get worse. It does not get better. Do not be co-dependent. Look up information Dr. Phil has posted, it will be very helpful. ALso, you can go to pureintimacy.com
You must allow him the consequences for his behavior. Don’t enable him

Wow! I never realized how many women are out there experiencing similiar situations with their “significant others” use use and abuse of porn.
Married for almost 20 years I feel several of the same emotions about my husband getting “his needs met” solely via online porn. Almost any physical touch eg, hug or kiss is always initiated by me. Sadly, sometimes I count how many days go by before he’ll actually initiate a hug or kiss. He’ll reciprocate but I wonder why?? Yet in the same line he swears he loves me.
I have a question though. Has anyone had a “significant other”, married or not, use obesity or being self conscious as an excuse for lack of sexual intimacy?
You know just as I wrote that question it dawned on me that years ago he didn’t weigh as much and still used porn. At least back then we had some relations though. Hmm… maybe just another excuse??
Over the past 20 years I have gone out of my way to try and fullfill his “need”. Going as far as just taking care of him and walking away empty handed for a couple of years. Finally, I told him I feel like a whore not getting paid. So I stopped that too. Do you think he started to initiate intimacy?? Heck NO!! In the past 5 years I may have had sex 5 times–that is being generous.
I have expressed my desire for him to stop using porn because it hurts me at the core of my being and we have no relations at all. I even asked him recently (desperately/reluctantly) if he would watch one with me. He quickly responded with a NO. He says he won’t watch porn and soon enough I find some evidence of it. I am not sure of how much he watches because each time I catch him he gets more craftier at hiding it. It’s like I am grieving inside because although I love him he’s absent and not sharing his inner most part with me…just some porn star on the internet.
I used to work the 3rd shift up until about 5 years ago when I found out he had a fling with the girl he worked with. He worked 1st. I did it to help make ends meet and not pay a babysitter my paycheck. I did it for almost 10 years. After I found out about the fling a few months later he quit his job because he claimed “he couldn’t take it” and “she kept pursuing and he didn’t know how to handle it.” Then while he is unemployed he contacts her about 1-2 years later. I call home one night around 11:15 pm to tell him something and the phone is busy. He’s on the phone with her. Finally he ended it again but he didn’t want to tell her over the phone. So he invites her over for dinner to tell her it’s over. I wasn’t living with him at the time. Well that fiasco was about 5 years ago and I began working 1st shift. I thought working 1st would provide more opportunity but our sex life has just deteriorated more and more as the years pass.
Now that my kids are almost no longer dependents (meaning no child support) I am seriously considering divorce.
My final question has anyone gone through with a divorce over this situation and what suggestions/tips can they offer for me??
P.S. In case you’re wondering I have remained faithful through this mess.

Thanks for listening

Ok, looks like it’s time for me being a jerk.
First, as a short introduction – I’m a marriage counselor from Europe, relatively new to US. I’m a “bitter” type counselor. If you wonder, there are generally two types of marriage counselors – the “sweet” type who tells you how good you are, and what kind of assholes is everyone else, and the “bitter” type – like me – who tells you that everyone else is normal, and you should look more on yourself if you want to fix the problem. That’s what my position is based on, so if you have problems with this, please skip this post. Thank you.

Now, let me make it clear: masturbation is NORMAL physiologica process, widely popular in Nature. Studies prove that masturbation, unless extreme, is not addictive, and does not lead to any body function problem. A typical view of masturbation as something “wrong” is usually based on religion, and therefore is personal. This means that another person might not automatically share your beliefs, and this is something you two have to agree upfront.

Which leads us to the question why men in relationship masturbate. There are always a lot of reasons, but being a bitter type, I’ll start with the obvious one. Ladies, please answer honestly: when was the last time you went to gym? And if you do, did you work out there, or chit-chat with other ladies? Did your get “a couple” of extra pounds? Are you seriously trying to get rid of them, or you’re trying to find an excuse? When was the last time you actually wore a dress? Does your underwear include thongs and stockings, or just Catholic-schoolgirl type panties? Do you wear nice looking shoes, or you only have flip-flops and Tevas? Yes, I know, I know, those things are not comfortable, only sluts wear stockings (this was the funny one), you do not have time for gym, and so on. Gents and ladies, let me tell you one thing – a good marriage does not just “happen”, you must work to have it go smooth. The best marriages only work when both people actively working towards it. If you EXPECT your marriage to work just because it was what you were promised on wedding – you better consider divorce. It does not cost too much to keep yourself attractive, and at least it will improve your self-esteem if not sex life. The excuses are rare; we have been married for 15 years, and have three kids, and my wife still looks ten years younger. No, it’s not just genes. Everyone sooner or later will get fat eating fast food.

And now to the porn. In my experience porn rarely is a cause for any problems if it’s just used for masturbation. You’d be surprised if you know what things some people masturbate on, and porn is probably the most innocent of them. Your problem is basically that your partner masturbates instead of having sex with you, and usually the reason is one of following:
- Cleanliness. Gents, it’s mostly for you – socks and underwear should be changed at least once a day, and getting a shower as soon as you’re back from work is a good thing. Even if you don’t feel anything – we all are used to our own smell, you know it, “your shit doesn’t stink for you”. It does, however, for others, and is a HUGE turnoff. And shave, please, if you go down, it really hurts.
- Appearance. Maintaining your weight and going to gym at least two times a week – every week – is also good for your health.
- Dressing properly. Again – gents, your boxers and wifebeater combination may feel good for you, but please be honest: would you wear the same boxers and wifebeater on your date with a nice chick? No, you wouldn’t. Same for ladies.
- Availability. If you work different shifts, you will not have any sex life. Even on weekends, since one of you will feel sleepy. If your marriage worth more for you than your job – someone has to change the job.
- Attitude. If you live in a small apartment with roommates and your kids, it might be tough to find any time to have a nice wild sex without having the whole apartment complex complimenting you next day. Make yourself a date; go to a swing club (no, you don’t have to share your partner there), or if you’re too shy, rent a room in hotel.

There are more reasons, but my plane is about to take off so I have to shut down my laptop. Hope it’ll help someone. Thank for your time.

Im probably going to be hated on here but my husband and I have been together for many years- before we got together we both watched porn but hit it in the beginning because we didnt know what the other thought about it. In my opinion a husband looks at porn because there is something there he likes watching! aka he probably wants to try it- women should take a hint and watch with him. Watch a little then start warming him up.
A girl feeling threatened by a movie is horrible and is the womans fault. Her self esteem is down. Confidence is the key. My husband is also in the Navy and I saw him 10 days last year. Why am I not afraid hes cheating on me- confidence in our relationship and the trust we built together.

bottom line… If hes watching take a hint because theres a reason hes doing it.

Lets see, where to start,(Me) I am late 40s, married. I started looking at Playboys/Penthouse magazines at age 14 and then Hustlers and adult movies at 16. My entire life I have always been a sexual person, but never a player, and in fact I was always the perpetual “nice guy”, (Today I can still pick up a phone and talk to my ex-girlfriends even after all these years) I say all that to get to this, I have masturbated all my life and don’t see it as something that needs to threaten a spouse. I feel it is something that is personal and intimate and something I do for me. It is a way for me take care of my own needs and thats all there is to it. I have a higher sex drive than my wife does so it makes sense for me, I use internet pornography as a visual only. I have always enjoyed and appreciated looking at women both their inner and outer beauty. I have never raped or abused or disrespected or treated any women or girlfriends badly in my life. I also have been a very curious person about many things so I had to venture down this arena eventually. In doing so, I find that the internet is a tool just like any other and can be used and abused as such. Internet pornography due to its ease of accessibility allows you the anonymity to be or do what ever you fantasize about, again a problem when abused by people with bad intentions. I think that the real problem stems from the spouses who feel they must always compete with anything that takes attention away from them and is put on something else. I think that this is same thing as any other type of activity that causes jealousy and hurt since it takes time away from their spouses. I realize too that there is misuse and if someone is overtly ignoring their spouses then they have deeper issues in their relationships.
I love my wife and go out of my way to take care of her needs. She does not like masturbation for herself, it simply does not work for her. She feels threatened and in her mind compares herself to what the women look like and what is her own self esteem issues. She doesn’t understand that its just a visual for me and not a threat. I know some will disagree with my next statement, if a couple wants to use pornography for mutual enjoyment and pleasure then thats up to them, however if either one of them is not comfortable, or is judgemental about it then they should stay away. Usually this is caused by past relationship issues, religion or abuse. I too am a soldier and was away from my wife for 4 years on and off. I have never even kissed another woman and won’t allow myself to get in any situation that leads to an affair. Just my opinions !

My husband has started taking huge numbers of pictures of naked women, hundreds of pictures, different women. He has a photography studio and spends whole days there with models half my age. I’m devastated and even though he says he’ll stop, I can’t believe him anymore. We’ve been married 25 years and this hurts so much. He always chooses girls who he finds beautiful and intelligent, it’s worse then just a visual thing and that makes it harder to bear. I wish I was dead and out of this hell.

Helene,
It is very important that you talk to someone immediately and let them know you are feeling this way — someone who can talk to you right now. If you see a psychiatrist or a counselor, he or she is the person to call. A family member or friend is also a good choice.

If these options are not available to you, please call a suicide crisis hotline. In the United States, you can call 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255. Here is a web site that lists other hotline numbers in the U.S. and around the world:
http://hopeline.com/ries.asp

I am so sorry you are hurting right now. It is so difficult for those of us who are reading your post to know how to help you. We can’t see you or talk to you; we can only let you know that you are not alone, and that there are people in your life and available on hotlines who care about you and who can help you to work through this. Please reach out to them.

Sincerely,
Sheri
____________________________
Sheri and Bob Stritof
About.com Guides to Marriage
http://marriage.about.com
http://www.About.com
About.com is part of the New York Times Company

ladies allow me to be blunt, i am sure some will be turned off by what i am about to say but its ok. the bible say HUSBAND love your WIFE AS CHRIST LOVE THE THE CHURCH THAT HE WAS WILLING TO DIE FOR HER. but most has rejected this christ and his words altogether. through love comes from God, our job is to build our relationship on this His love. sex will be remarkable and love his lasting, i have been married to my wife for 6 years and even if i an tempted to get into porn, i can’t because i am accountable to God and my lovely wife and yes my daugther too. we have built a society that is built on Christ-hate and selt indulgence and selfishness. its sad indeed. Women are to be loved not used. sadly in some ways we are part responsible for accepting less than what God intended for us. please teach your boys to love God and pray for your husbands and yourself to find Him-Christ.then we can win this fight. counsellors can’t help, cause they have the same struggle.but the love of God can.

Just my 2c:

Helene, did your husband just buy this studio? Or he has been owning it for ages, and it only recently became a problem? You obviously know that no matter where he works, there always will be some women half of your age; what exactly is wrong with his behavior?

Bisi, just wonder if you follow everything written in the Bible, or just couple of quotes? If you follow everything (which includes missionary style only, no oral sex, no sex while pregnant), your sex life should be quite boring. Anyway, the religion thing only works if this is something you two have agreed upfront. For the person who does not believe in God or Jesus or whatever, your arguments would be very weak. I personally would never teach my boy to love God since there is no evidence the God exists, so it’s not an option for everyone either.

My husband watches porn on the internet until he is , I hate to be blunt but its really difficult to describe it, grossly over stimulated. His eyes get a glazed look, he gets really pale and looks like he is in a trance or stooper or something. Once he reaches this state, he comes to me, and at first it just seemed like he was suddenly “in the mood”, but more so than usual – there was an urgency to it. Foolish me, I had no idea at first it was from watching adult videos on the internet. Once I found out it stemmed from the video content and not an interest in me particularly, it made me feel so stupid.

I’m hurt, angry and I feel like I have been cheated on.

When I first found out about it, I confronted him about it. Since we are both 56 and have been married for 36 years, he blames it on age – he was “researching older women”, to help him learn more about older women and sex. Sure, some of the videos he watched were of older women, but many were not, so that was not necessarily a true statement.

He was supposed to be at an all day seminar the other day, and I came home early from work and found him in that grossly over stimulated state, watching and adult video on our computer. He was not even aware I came in the room for several seconds and when he finally noticed me he clicked it off real quick, thinking I didn’t see it. I was so upset, that I just left the room. Several minutes later, after he deleted the history, he came looking for me all gropey and grabby almost unable to control himself. It was disgusting and I was mortified.

There is no masturbation involved and he always ends up coming to me, and I just don’t want any parts of him at that point. Don’t get all worked up over somone else and come to me. Forget it.

Its beginning to drive a wedge between us. I haven’t said a word about this latest episode and have been kind of aloof. I just don’t want to get into it. I don’t want to hear the excuses anymore. He keeps asking if I’m okay – at first he sounded all concerned and interested in me, and as time goes by he’s sounding less as concerned.

Now, as far as our esteemed bitter marriage counseler, sure, many of us are not in the best of shape… BUT, many of our husband’s are not either. I dare say most of the women they are drooling over wouldn’t give them the time of day, so that out of shape thing goes for both in the relationship. Let’s get real here.

I have given my husband 40 years of my life. I stood by him through financial disasters and health problems. I have done my best to be as adventurous as I can be, to the point of me being uncomfortable, I have tolerated the nudey magazines, being dragged to strip clubs, renting stupid porn movies with their stupid titles and equally stupid music.

When is it ever enough? All it ever does is make me feel bad about myself, like I’m not enough or he feels like he is being cheated or missing out on something. Its really a troubling situation.

I took the vows for better or worse in sickness and health, and there was nothing about porn in the vows…

I have been with my husband for 8 years. He has always looked at porn, as have I. Even though I don’t generally see anything wrong with porn, it does depend greatly on how you use it withing your relationship.

In my situation, the only reason that it bothers me is that I feel like it’s being used in place of me. I know that there is no process that goes through my husband’s mind where he thinks it over then decides to go for porn instead of me. The opportunity is there and it seems like fun. I get that. I don’t care about that.

What I do care about is feeling neglected when it comes time for us to be together sexually. My husband has become lazy with sex, not really doing any of the work. It’s hard to feel like your husband is attracted to you when he isn’t interested in being active at all in bed. I’m a very sexual person. I’m open-minded, eager, and am a giver in bed. All I want is a little of the same given back to me. The fact that my husband is lazy in bed, even though he has a wife that is so interested in sex with him, even enjoys porn, etc. makes me feel horrible. It’s not that he enjoys porn that bothers me. It’s that he doesn’t seem to enjoy me as much/as often.

Talking hasn’t done much except get us into hurtful fights. We’ve tried taking baby steps, but they seem to be fogotten within about a week or so. I want a great sex life with the man that I married. I’ve watched porn with him, have suggested trying new things, and initiate sex, (or try to), all the time. I try not to judge him regarding porn because I know that it is a seperate thing. I just feel that he is putting too much energy in the wrong direction. I’d love to hear a man’s opinion on this. Maybe I’m just not understanding something basic about men’s views/feelings?

Ladies, try not to take it too personally if your husband enjoys porn. I know that’s hard sometimes, but it’s a lot more mindless than you think it is. There’s no harm in it as long as he still makes you feel wanted and you two can still share what you both enjoy.

I’ve always maintained that porn is a problem if its preferred over the spouse. In the cases where the wife is outgoing in bed, has kept herself up, wears nice lingerie, and it still isn’t enough– its clearly the man’s problem in these situations.

However, more often than not things have gone cold for whatever reason. People change, mentally and physically. Pysical limitations can’t be avoided…we get old and things break down (both men and women). But, if you personally change, and certain things are beneath you now that you are a wife and you find yourself saying No more than Yes (to acts or general sex)–a plan B will come into play. There is a HUGE difference between not being able to do something and simply not doing it. Especially if you did it before. And if you didn’t like doing it before, you needed to speak up at the time. This goes for us guys too.

We’re all selfish to an extent. This may be oversimplifying things, but I wouldn’t expect my wife to starve because I’m not hungry, nor would I expect her to not find another option if I didn’t feel up to a task (washing her car, mowing the lawn, or talking to her). By the way, how many view sex as a chore? Even you don’t think you do, your actions speak louder than words…

My husband and I have been married for 18 yrs, I recently discovered more than a doz port dvd’s in his briefcase, porn video arcade ‘cash’ cards, and more disturbingly this weekend on his pc, that he visited a website offering sexual acts with a couple in our town for a fee, in addition the number on the website on my husbands caller id on his cell. I am at a loss and repulsed, not sure if this is normal or if I can ever be with him, this isn’t something I can approach him about. Our sex life has lacked for several years due to various relationship issues, if I approach he will vehemently blame me and tell me if I was more of a wife he wouldn’t have to resort to this. Not sure what do to..advice?

Lucy, it’s obvious your marriage is in trouble so you need to start thinking about what’s best for you. Your husband is obviously a very selfish man & he has no respect for you or your marriage. If your husband really loved you he would not be doing these things behind your back.

Do NOT allow him to manipulate you into believing it’s all your fault. This is NOT your fault!! This is pure selfishness on his part and nothing else. Let me ask you this, if you truly loved your husband would you have sex with other people behind his back? Of course you wouldn’t. Men like this do not deserve a loving wife! To every wife out there who is putting up with this, stop tolerating this bad behavior because it is disrespectful and shows a lack of disregard for you and and for your marriage. When you get married you have certain obligations to your partner. One of those obligations is a healthy and active sex life. If your marriage partner is not willing to meet those obligations for selfish reasons then you are under no obligation to stay married.

I chose to stay in my 20 years marriage to a selfish man who long ago chose porn over me. Why? Because I have two wonderful kids, a beautiful house and I have come to enjoy my comfortable lifestyle. Do I still love my husband? No. The only reason I tolerated his selfish behavior for the last several years was because I didn’t care anymore.

For years it broke my heart that my husband preferred porn & masturbation over a loving intimate relationship with me. Then one day I woke up and realized I was being played for a fool! I decided I deserved a whole lot better than what I was getting. Then one day I met a fine older gentleman who showed me the respect I deserved and who knew how to treat a woman right (Ladies, are you listening?) The more I got to know this man the more I realized how much I was missing. After a while I began to pursue a relationship with this man outside my marriage. Now I get all the love I need. If my husband doesn’t like it he knows he can leave anytime.

Ladies, you must stop tolerating this nonsense. If you don’t start demanding respect from your men they will continue to do the same thing. These men don’t care about anything or anyone else but themselves. Do not kid yourselves into thinking they will wake up one day and realize how much they love you and change. It won’t happen. Porn addiction is progressive. I read that married men who are addicted to porn actually prefer masturbating to porn over having sex with their own wives. It’s time you wives wised up and made a new plan that DOESN”T include him. Otherwise you will continue to feel miserable and depressed and then you will be no good to anybody.

Don’t you think you deserve better than this?

Has anyone noticed that porn addiction seems to be primarily a problem among men younger than 60? Could it be because the men of that generation were raised in an era when boys were taught by their fathers and grandfather to respect women and put them up on a pedestal? It must have been wonderful to be a woman back then.

We can all thank the Feminist Movement for the lack of respect towards women in our culture today. Just ask any man over 60 and he will tell you that the reason younger men do not respect women is because most “modern” women are not even worthy of respect. Most do not even respect themselves anymore.

Ladies, you don’t have to keep begging your husband for the love you deserve. There are plenty of fine older gentlemen who would be more than honored to be with you. Older men still know how to treat a woman right. Most of these guys would never even consider looking at porn because they consider it a cheap substitute for the real thing.

Take care…

Although I know that a lot of women are going through this, it is still difficult & painful. I had a talk with my husband a couple of years ago when I discovered a porn dvd in the living room. He said it was his brothers & blamed it on the fact that he had an ingrown hair down there, he feels terrible about his appearance & that he thinks that I’m too tired from work all the time. We’ve gone to the adult stores to get langerie, dvds, toys, etc. When I asked my husband which dvd to get, he acted all shy & not sure (well, he seems pretty darn sure when he’s getting click happy with the mouse!) I guess it wasn’t enough…I was defragmenting my computer earlier this week so I went on his to check my email, I had wanted create another tab & clicked on the history by accident. There it was, he’s been hitting it every day/every other day. I was so upset. He’s noticed that I’ve been upset so I told him that I feel like he doesn’t want to have sex with me & he said, “That’s not true.” But then I cam home from work & I just couldn’t resist, so I checked the history tab & there it is again! We had our “talk” & then he waited until I went to work to wack off again on the computer!!! I know I need to see help because I have self-esteem issues connected with father issues & past childhood issues of people calling me fat. & he knows that him watching porn would bother me because I have intense jealousy issues (yes, I am getting help for that too) & because we’ve talked about this before. He usually gets really defensive. I don’t want to argue with him about it, I know it’s “normal” & that “men are visual creatures” & that he loves me. But THIS HURTS SOOOOO BAD!!!!!

Elaina my friend, there is nothing wrong with you! I’m sure you are very beautiful in your own way, but your man cannot see that because he is too enthralled with the filthy airbrushed images of “hot babes” he’s been looking at (and obviously masturbating to)to notice your loveliness. By the way, in case your man has convinced otherwase, it is VERY normal to feel jealous when the man you love loves anything or anyone else (in this case, porn) more than he loves you. I’m sure he would feel the same way if your attention were leswhere.

I know the pain and the agony of not feeling “good enough” to please your man as I have lived through it for the past 20 years, but please don’t think this is normal behavior for all men. Yes, men are visual creatures but not all men enjoy looking at porn. Decent, respectable men find porn just as offensive as we do. Maybe it’s time you ask yourself, as I did, “Why am I tolerating this behavior?”

You mentioned past “self-esteem” issues and people calling you fat. My husband called me fat too, and I was 18 years old and only weighed 130 lbs. Did I mention he too had a porn addiction? Hmmm…

My lover does not look any kind of porn and even though I weight quite a bit more than I did at 18, he still thinks I’m beautiful and tells me so every day. He says I remind him of Marilyn Monroe. Of course I know I need to lose weight but at least now I don’t obsess about it anymore like I used to. Maybe the only weight you really need to lose is your husband. Just a thought….

This thread is both informative and frustrating. Virtually the entire thread is either bible-thumping evangelicals playing the “God will smite you down” card, or angry wives who just “have no idea” why their man looks at porn.

And while I do believe that porn can be a destructive force in any relationship, before you pre-judge, try this on for size folks. I’m a man…and other than a few VERY SPECIFIC instances for the express purpose of making a baby the last 3 years, my wife hasn’t initiated or suggested sex as a purely pleasurable, recreational activity in over TEN YEARS.

Think about that for a moment. Let it sink in real good. A DECADE without my wife coming to me, when I’m just sittin’ there minding my own business, or waking up and rolling over on top or me, or WHATEVER the scenario might be, and saying, “I gotta get me some!” Not once. Not ever. Period.

And I’m 40. She’s 38. We’re still relatively young, relatively attractive, relatively fit individuals. We’re not 70- or 80-somethings with semi-functioning parts and the natural, age-based diminishing libidos.

Yeah we have a kid. Yeah we have full-time jobs. Yeah we’re busy.

But you would think once…JUST ONCE in TEN YEARS she’d come to me and want some action. But no…the only time we have any kind of sexual intimacy is when I suggest it. And while she occasionally agrees to my overtures, and while she does achieve obvious pleasure from it, she also tends more often than not to look at it as something of a chore…more akin to doing the laundry or taking out the garbage. I can only imagine her thought process being something like, “Sex? Oh, alright. I guess I have to.”

We’ve talked about it at length. She has no obvious explanation for why she does not want sex more or why she literally NEVER initiates it with me. But at the end of the day, explanation or not, the fact remains that she simply has no interest or drive to make it happen.

So while you’re all whining about “boo-hoo, my man doesn’t want me anymore!” remember, that there are two sides to every coin.

As I see it, my options are these:

Just accept that I’m going to basically go virtually without sex for the rest of my life (researchers say that any married couple that has sex 10 times or less per year = an offically sexless marriage).

Go to a prostitute or have some other sort of extra-marital affair.

Get a divorce.

Watch porn.

So with that as the backdrop…is porn really all that evil in the grand scheme? Still think porn is the worst possible of all the various option?

Yeah…I didn’t think so.

Ok, for Bink, your situation seems to be different from most of what I’ve read. So I’m not even going to address your situation. As for the rest. I am a Christian woman, married to a man who is a deacon in our church. But religion aside. The porn is not only wrong and hurtful for most of these women, but also very, very disrespectful. If you are seeking out porn on the internet, even tho you know it hurts your spouse, then you are telling them that you don’t respect them enough to stop. Adultery comes in many forms. I have been married for 17yrs to the most wonderful man I have ever known. We lost our first child. We since had 2 more children, both girls. Our oldest daughter has CP and has gone through so many medical procedures and surgeries, it would make your head spin. So to say the least, yes, I stay exhausted. Both physically and mentally. I cannot keep up with all the housework, yard work, medical appts, of which are numerous. Work a public job in the school system. Try to be everything to everyone, with virtually no help at all from my husband, and still be bright eyed and bushy tailed for sex all the time. I love my husband deeply, and we do have sex quite often. I am the one that is constantly begging him to tell me what he wants, or something he may have always wanted to try, etc, only to always hear, I don’t know. Like I said, my husband is a deacon in our church and we dated for 7 yrs before marriage, and I never thought I would catch my husband looking at porn on the internet. Not only was it porn, but in chat rooms and such where there COULD be interaction. To me, that is way worse than watching porn on tv. Men, how would you react, if your woman looked at you and said you don’t have what it takes to satisfy me, I need something more.Well…..that is what you are saying to your woman every time you look at another woman’s naked body on the internet or otherwise. And to Mr. anti- religion, it has nothing to do with religion, but respect for another person’s feelings. And if that person happens to be the person you vowed to love honor and cherish forsaking all others then it should be of that much more of an importance.

I may be single but I believe that it all comes down to understanding and compromise. Sit down and set the limits.

Remember though, that when it comes to sex, men in general prefer visual stimulation of the sexual appetite. Women, on the other hand, like to imagine or create a fantasy about sex. Porn pictures and videos mostly cater to men. Erotica and books describing sexual actions are directed towards feminine tastes. I wouldn’t be surprised if some wives store their stash of Erica Jongs somewhere in the house. They may say it isn’t porn but it is for me. Should we limit those trips to the bookstore as well?

Are we cheating when we view porn? That depends. Do we fantasize about Briana Banks more than we do of you? Then probably, yes. Stop us, it has become an addiction. But, if we see porn and forget all about it.(Briana who?). Then it was just a passing urge. Loyal men do watch porn too. Be suspicious if he doesn’t or seems too perfect; it may be the real deal. He has to get off sometime when you’re unavailable for loooong periods.
Porn could defuse a dangerous urge to have an affair when the sexual excitement runs dry. If your wife really objects to it, have her agree to have you take her pictures instead. She won’t feel cheated, you better deal with the objectifying part however. good luck.

I’m in my second marriage. My first one ended over my wife devoting more time to her parents than me. Even so, we had a very satisfying sex life. Of course, sex isn’t everything in a marriage as my statement indicates. The point is, I had no interest in porn as I was living a sex life most men would envy. We weren’t all that fit but we were active…alot. Fast forward to today. My present wife is totally unavailable sexually. She treats it like a chore, tries to hurry me and then has nothing else to do with me. (Gee, sound familiar guys?) It has been this way since we married. One point during our marriage, my Diabetes rendered me impotent. I would lose my erection during sex. Guess what I was accused of? Losing interest in her. She said she felt (ladies-think, don’t feel)I was no longer attracted to her. What a crock! Now I’m able to engage in sex due to getting an implant device. Now she tells me she’s not attracted to me. Owing to us having less sex than the level indicating a sexless marriage, I got frustrated and turned to porn while satisfying myself. Long story short, I got caught. Of course, it’s all MY fault. I also got the psycho-babble about “objectifying” women. She’s talking divorce and frankly, I’m ready to give her one. It’s sad to think my wife could make me miss my ex. It’s equally sad to think this is a predominantly American problem. Yes ladies, it’s true. The rest of the worlds women looks at you and wonder why you’re all so screwed up and look at us men and wonder how we got so whipped. John P., I wish I could have you as my counselor to sit with my wife and I. You don’t practice in Utah by chance do you?

Dan, do you want to know why American women are so screwed up and American men are so whipped? One word…. Feminisn. Check out http://www.henrymakow.com

P.S. I know how yoy feel. I lived this way for 15 long, frustrating years. But rather than sit around feeling sorry for myself, I found a solution to my problem… one that did not involve porn, romance novels or other forms of fantasy… I pursued a relationship with another human being. An UNSELFISH human being who actually considers it a PRIVILEGE to be with me. If your wife is selfish and unwilling to GIVE, maybe you should give her the boot and find someone else who is willing, like I did. Life is too short. You deserve to be happy just like everyone else. Make it happen. Just a thought…

To the men that take the ” women when is the last time you went to the gym” attitude. You might be “buffed”, but the majority of men, particulary husbands are not. I like looking good all the time, can’t same the same for most of the guys I’ve dated. After a few months, they think they have you were they want you, then they relax…i.e. smelly feet, bad breath, unshaven, not to mention how many guys are in denial about blading, their hairy backs and beer gut spare tire. What hypocrites men are. Take inventory in the mirror? And ladies, ever take a look at some of those guys in porn…Hot stuff…Bet your husband can’t “measure-up” like that. Turn the tables. Give em taste of their owm medicine. Take a look, there is something out there for the hetero-female to enjoy too…and if you can’t find it one the web, go out and look for it for real…After all, would you be any less miserable than you are now?

I’m a woman, married to only 1 man for 22 years.

Get a life, gals! Porn is only competition with you if you make it that. You really are holding to an irrational belief if you think your husband can and should look only at your body for the rest of your lives. I don’t care what he just looked at as long as he’s having sex with ME. My husband is now 60, so a little no-cost porn is a frugal person’s Viagra. I plan to continue having a satisfying sex life with my husband, till death us do part. If a little porn is what is needed to keep him perky, that’s fine by me.

Am I jealous of the women? Nope – it’s not like he’ll ever meet any of them! Does porn make him more likely to cheat? Only if I treated him like his mother instead of his wife and made him sneak around to view porn.

Wow,
It’s interesting that something that can be a problem for so many is for others a fun activity
We find the opposite sex attractive, The reason for this is to procreate. What do we find appealing about the opposite sex before we even meet someone? Well we like the physical attributes, whether its breasts hips, the curve of a women’s back, the biceps of a man, the color of the hair etc. This is what first attracts us to someone long before we get to know them.
Physical attraction is the reason their are billions of us in the world. This attraction to the physique of others does not end when we say “I DO”.

It follows then that it is PERFECTLY NATURAL to continue to be attracted to or be aroused by the opposite sex. Since most men are not going to go outside the marriage to satisfy these natural urges, Porn is not only a very reasonable outlet but a completely understandable and responsible one.

My wife and I will watch an adult movie once every couple of months. It serves to excite the both of us and then we can excite each other.

To deny that we have natural urges that were there long before we were married serves no purpose. I’ve seen my wife look at other men. Everyone else in the world did not turn ugly the day we married.
To answer the concerns of a few women here, No man I know is dreaming about the gal in an adult movie and comparing her to his wife.

Many of our friends watch porn from time to time. We will occasionally joke about it or make reference to it. No wife that I know responds in disgust, outrage or shame.

I feel bad for some of the women here. I really think it’s a sign of deeper issues. You are making it into something much greater than it is. It is simply nature taking it’s coarse.

Human beings seek out gratification and porn is nothing but an accessory to sex, or a means to an end. It’s not a substitution.
Frankly, Masturbation watching porn is not nearly as fun as watching porn with my wife. The fact that she is getting excited watching it is at makes the experience 10 times better.

Wow. So many thoughts… First off, masturbation is completely normal and folks who think otherwise might want to deal with their own issues with their bodies/sex. People do plenty of things to get a rush – ride roller coasters, go skiing, hit the casinos, etc. Our bodies are natural and the things they do are natural.

I think there are two issues with porn. I believe some men do get addicted to it and it impacts their relationship because they are no longer there for the partner. But I think the bigger issue is that it makes a lot of women insecure, they start throwing around ultimatums and men start sneaking around because they enjoy watching it. In this case, porn is becoming an issue because you’re making it an issue. And honestly, men don’t want to be with insecure, clingy women. It’s a turn off.

My other thought is that men and women are different. For women, sex is generally a very emotional thing. It’s not the same for guys. It’s much more physical. I think the couples who are having issues need to be a bit more generous with each other. Women need to understand that watching porn/masturbating doesn’t have to be a reflection on their marriage, sex life or anything else. Making your husband give it up could be like saying you can never have chocolate or ice cream again. Would you sneak around to have a treat? Probably. And I honestly believe that for most guys, porn is no more serious than that, which is why they don’t get why women get so upset. On the other hand, guys need to know that it IS a big deal for their wives and imagine how they’d feel if we were making out with another guy because that’s how it feels for a lot of women.

My husband watches porn and I occasionally do as well. Sometimes we watch together. I know my husband is attracted to me and loves me, so I’m not obsessing about who or what he’s thinking about. He’s with me, he doesn’t need to lie or sneak around, and we’re good. I am fortunate to not have been raised to believe that sex between consenting adults is somehow dirty or evil.

It’s not porn that tears marriages apart. It’s different values, boredom, lack of communication, lack of compassion for the other person and/or some serious self-esteem issues in at least one of the people in the relationship. Arguments over porn are just a symptom of deeper issues.

My husband watches porn but unlike alot of what i have read from both the men and the women i do want sex just as much as he does. IF NOT MORE. im not a feind by any means but we do have a healthy sex life. so it came as a shock when i found out he’d been watching it for years. and he denied it when i asked him the first time. i am not overweight i have a good body and i am pretty open to try new things. So why would my husband want to watch porn even though he knows how much it hurts my feelings and how i feel about it being discusting and wrong?

To John P.

I find your comments totally insensitive. My husband looks at porn all the time. He is overweight and admits it. I am into working out–not chatting at the gym. I run 5 miles a day & lift weights. I have a decent body. I am approached by other men–I don’t want other men–I want my husband. Unlike you-in reference to women, I don’t care that he is overweight-I want my husband. I have tried to spice up our bedroom– sex toys and sexy lingerie–thongs, crotchless panties. We still only have sex together about twice a month. I have even suggested watching porn with him. We have done it a few times, but even then he has touble maintaining an erection. It really scares me that you are a counselor and makes me feel like I shouldn’t consider counseling.

Women who say they have no problem with their husband’s use of pornography are the exception, not the rule. Statistics show that most women find pornography extremely offensive and demeaning, and that pornography is detrimental to marital relationships.

A recent study indicated that porn addiction is the #1 reason for divorce in America today.

A woman’s objection to the use of pornography has nothing to do with low self-esteem or insecurity issues. In fact, it suggests just the opposite: a woman with a high level of self-respect is more likely to object to porn use than a women with low self-esteem or low moral character.

Pornography addiction has become virtually epidemic in society today, with 3 out of 4 American men regularly viewing internet porn. Even among evangelical Christians, pornography addiction is rampant, with 1 out of every 2 Christian men admitting to viewing internet porn on a regular basis.

Recent statistics show that today 75% of all divorces are iniatiated by women. In a vast majority of these divorces, pornography addiction was cited as the reason for the destruction of the the relationship.

Married couples who think pornography will “spice up” their sex life or enhance their marital relationship are being bamboozled by the porn industry. Studies prove that regular viewing of pornography is destructive to marital relationships and leads to one or both partners becoming dissatisfied with their current sexual relationship.

Pornography was not created to be used by loving partners in a committed relationship. It was created by a Luciferian sex cult to destabilize society and destroy the family unit by breaking up marriages and promoting promiscuity and homosexuality.

For more information on the destructive effects of pornography, read the article “Why All Porn Is Gay” at http://www.henrymakow.com.

I recently came across an article entitled, “Should Wives Be Porn Police?” by Rabbi Boteach. The following comments are excerpts from the article:

“When I’ve asked wives how they feel about their husbands looking at pornographic material, I’ve heard an astonishing range of answers. There are those who are quick to assert how “cool” they are with it and even claim to join in the viewing; and there are those who are utterly horrified but feel they have no right to object to their husband’s adult behavior. But women must wake up to the fact that they do have a right to nip this behavior in the bud.”

“Pornography is destructive not only because it is insulting to one’s wife, but because it takes one’s erotic focus away from one’s spouse. In this respect, the principal harm it inflicts is not radically different from adultery. When infidelity occurs, it destroys the marriage not only by causing hurt and humiliation, but by starving the marriage of attention, affection, and effort. The hurt that a husband causes his wife by being unfaithful is not, in itself, the deal-breaker in their marriage. The wives whom I have counseled through a husband’s infidelity are prepared to forgive him if they love him. The real deal-breaker is the fact that the wife is no longer the focal point of his sexual and romantic energies. When husbands and wives are not wholly focused on one another as the means of finding erotic excitement, they begin to drift apart.”

“Initially, men believe that a little peek at another woman’s nudity is a harmless means of generating some excitement and certainly nothing as significant as an actual act of infidelity. But these “harmless” leers are the first symptoms of neglect.”

“There are so many ways in which pornography undermines healthy relationships. Excessive exposure to a variety of nude, female bodies contributes to the penchant for men to think about other women while making love to their wives. Indeed, 84 percent of men admit to doing just that (and they’re dumb enough to believe that their wives don’t notice). We can even go so far as to say that once you bring another woman into your bed, even if only mentally, you are practicing a form of mental infidelity and merely using your wife’s body for friction. I call it mental decapitation.”

“The Torah, which is very concerned with fostering the mental and emotional intimacy that physical intimacy is meant to promote, actually calls men to task by deeming it a prohibition for a man to fantasize about other women while in bed with his wife.”

“Unfortunately women today are so brainwashed into being manly and tough that few will admit to being pained at the notion that their significant other would be dreaming of another woman during their intimate moments. But fantasizing about another woman is a degrading act. It indicates that one’s wife is not worthy or thrilling enough on her own. Most men tell me that it is unrealistic not to sometimes think about other women during sex with one’s wife. Perhaps that is so. But there is no excuse not to resist it.”

“Furthermore, pornography desensitizes men to the female body. Instead of being automatically drawn to a woman as he should be, today’s man has seen too much to ever lose himself completely upon being exposed to a woman’s nakedness. The nature of erotic attraction, which should bring men and women together, has been utterly compromised, and neither sex is above evaluating the other according to the most stringent criteria. This impairs our ability to build deep relationships.”

“Sexual intimacy is meant to bring a couple together on emotional and mental levels. Once a man feels removed enough to judge his wife by comparing her with other women, he loses some of his excitement for her and mistakenly believes that a more perfectly formed woman would provide him with the physical titillation that he craves.”

“The irony lies in the fact that a real woman is infinitely more exciting than the manufactured images that attract the consumers of pornography. Rather than being a one-dimensional experience, interacting and allowing oneself to be aroused by a live partner–despite her apparent physical flaws–is ever-changing and therefore consistently exciting. Ultimately then, pornography deadens a man’s attraction for his partner, which in turn deadens his ability to have healthy and sustainable passionate relationships.”

“The truly unfortunate element in the prevalence of pornography today is actually the acceptance that so many women silently or overtly provide by refusing to demand that their husbands (or serious boyfriends) turn off the computer and turn them on instead!”

“Once upon a time, women were seen as and treated as man’s superior. Today, women have leapt off of their pedestal to say that they are equal to men. When we hear of women accompanying their partners to strip clubs, we see why men no longer feel they have to make themselves worthy of such a sidekick. You can’t convince me that women are actually enjoying the array of bras and G-strings while swigging back beers with the boys.”

“In her efforts to get closer to man, woman has lost her own uniquely feminine attributes, at a great cost to both genders. What happened to being a gentleman? Why isn’t the party line that a man doesn’t look at another woman because he doesn’t need to and has too much respect for his wife to ever degrade her by making such a comparison? Why not? Simply put, because women today no longer require their men to be gentlemen.”

“When I’ve asked women about why they don’t insist that their husbands turn off the cable smut or throw out the dirty magazines, the answers I receive fall resoundingly into two basic categories. The first is that many women believe that they have no right to determine what their husbands see or, especially, what they think. The second is a desire not to appear insecure, petty, or nagging. Yet it’s not petty to demand that your husband be with you and you alone when you are in bed together. It’s not nagging to show your hurt, your vulnerability.”

“How far we have sunk in our expectations of marriage and commitment! Once upon a time it was not politically incorrect to think of a husband and wife as belonging to one another. Today we are conditioned to think that independence is the be-all-and-end-all, and to be possessive is seen as an a priori sign of insecurity. Husbands and wives see each other as independent creatures who happened to be joined by the institution of marriage.”

“The staggering divorce rate is a symptom of this unfortunate conditioning. It’s easy to sever a bond that wasn’t that strong in the first place. But if you belong to one another, then you have a right to make demands of exclusivity in thought, speech, and action and to freely express that an action or behavior hurts you and to expect that your spouse, whose number-one concern is your happiness, to amend the hurtful behavior. When two people belong to one another, there is nothing they won’t do to protect that bond.”

“We should never hesitate to insist that our needs be met by our husband or wife. Remember, you are not only married in body, but also in mind, heart and soul.”

Wives have a right, indeed an obligation, to police their husbands from going into the gutter to get excitement. Miss November and her fellow playmates are women like all others. One day they’ll marry and they’ll be just as hurt and insulted if their husbands turn to strangers for excitement

I think that for every woman this topic effects them differently. Some truly are fine with it, some will join in and some are totally against it. I am in the totally against it group. For me personally, I feel like I am being cheated on. I read some of the comments above from the men that their wives are not into sex with them. That is the not the case with me. My husband is not into it. He is only into porn. I just had a baby a few months ago and it has come to a complete stop since just prior to my delivery. Part of me thinks my husband is jealous of my son because someone is taking his attention but I don’t know what to do. I may be okay with the porn thing if I truly was disinterested in sex but that is not the case. And he does not want to talk to me about it. Any suggestions? PS, I have only been married a year and a half and if this is not resolved I feel my marriage cannot continue. It is just causing too many issues.

Got a couple of minutes to reply.

yourgrace, I’m not hosting a counseling session here. I’m just a reader like you, and expressing my personal opinion based on my experience. You might like it or not, it’s up to you. And by the way, thong or short skirt is only considered a “sexy lingerie” in US. In Europe it’s a casual a lot of girls wear when they go to office. Look in some European magazines to get an idea of really sexy lingerie, and stay away from Victoria Secrets.

Diana, the problem in your logic is that you somehow assume that if a man gets a bald hair and a beer belly he automatically should lower his standards for ladies, and should not complain about his fat wife either. This does not work. They go to Thailand instead, and getting something MUCH better looking that anything they could ever get in US. It happens much often than you think.

notlonelyanymore, it looks right to me that a lot of relationship problems in America are the result of the feminism movement. Funny, but in 1960s a “feminist bitch” was a very strong language. Now it is part of everyday language, and it seems like it does not offend vast majority of people. I would even go further and say that women were much more respected before the movement, being respected by default while other men had to constantly prove they deserve respect. Now the equal rights led to equal responsibilities, and women nowadays also have to constantly prove they deserve respect – and this is not easy.

I have a friend who has always said that he would never marry an American woman – too high maintenance. He just married a Thai girl though.

More thoughts on the subject.

First, despite what some readers say, porn and marriage is not a widespread problem. Even here, this article comes first in Google search results by “marriage porn”, and there are only 50 comments during almost two years. If you claiming it to be a “leading case” for divorces, please check your references.

Second, unlike cheating, gambling and drinking, porn does not affect a stable, non-problematic marriage. According to adult consumer surveys, there are a lot of families who watch porn together. Larry Flint in “Sex, lies and politics” mentioned that about 49% of porn buyers are women. Thus it is widespread, but only few marriages are affected. And in my practice porn is usually just yet another thing to blame if something goes wrong. Porn seems to be no issue for a happy marriage, where a woman does not have any self-esteem problem, and sex often enough.

Third, yet another proof that the best way to ruin your marriage (and in some cases your life) is to listen to your girlfriends instead of using your own brain or getting professional help. A typical scenario here – a woman has a problem with husbands who watch porn. What kind of advice she gets from her (usually single) girlfriends?

One example, they will tell her to “communicate the problem”, meaning she needs to tell her husband “it hurts her and he must stop it”. She is rarely – if ever – advised to ask why it happened, and think outside the “it hurts me” pattern. Obviously it does not work this way, as it is no different that her husband telling her that watching chick flicks hurts him, and she must stop it. To solve the problem we need to find out first why the problem is there, and then find a solution. If any problem was resolved just by telling someone not to do it because it hurts your feeling, we would live in a perfect world. You’ll need to do better than that.

Second example, they’ll tell her to dump this a..hole and “find a better man who will respect you”. This is a typical advice given to a lady who has a pretty short relationship. What she is told is basically that “it is not your responsibility to work out your relationship, you are perfect and could do nothing, you just need to find someone who will care of everything in your relationship”. So she dumps him, finds a new one who seems to “respect her”, and – surprise – another (usually worse) problem comes up again. And obviously she dumps him as well. After a couple of such dumps we got a person in depression, chronically incapable to maintain any relationship, and blames the world (usually the men) for her problems.

Please, gents and ladies, if you have a problem, discuss it constructively. Ask for a professional help if necessary. Make sure your discussion is like “why does it appear, and what should we do if anything?”, not “look how bad I feel because you are doing it”. And run through a checklist first – if you could guess why it happened just by looking in the mirror, you don’t need even start this discussion until you make your own plan about fixing this issue. Again, it is very easy to find an excuse, or even turn the blame to your husband (just see some posts above) – but it will not help solving you problem. Work on it – at least you will get some experience. At best, you will fix it.

Wow… there are some ladies who are really hurting here. Don’t give up on your husband, please. He is part to blame, but also part victim of the porn industry. They know exactly what they’re doing and how to get people addicted to this behavior. It is an addiction, some say as strong and hard to beat as a cocaine addiction. In this case, the drug is relatively free, there are no hangovers or obvious signs of abuse, and brings intense feelings of pleasure. However, most guys have much shame about this as well. They want help. They want to be in control, not be “hooked” on anything. Majority will almost always rather be with their wives than masturbating. Most guys have higher sex drive and “need” to orgasm 4-5 times a week, some more some less, than the wife is interested in providing. Plus, guys don’t always want to go through the relationship and time involved, just want a quick “fix”.
The problem here is two-fold.
1. First is the porn dependency for masturbation. That needs to be broken. The wife needs to accept the husbands sexual makeup: He is visually oriented and stimulated. He is interested in all women, especially beautiful ones, its nothing personal; (probably a fixation from loving your Mom when you’re a baby, or from creation; he just looks for the kicks it produces, not so he can wish he was someone else, in any real way. It is FANTASY. Women usually have fantasies too. They have them in their head; in their stories with their friends; in the soap operas and magazine articles and romantic novels. Ladies want a storyline; guys want erotic variety. I think the sexes are just hardwired differently.
2. Second problem here is the lack of communciation about this before and during the marriage. People often want their privacy when doing private things, however the guys need to realize that secrecy makes you look guilty of more than what is going on (hopefully). So, the guys need to open up to their spouses; be willing to give up the porn for a time, try to just use your imagination. Ladies, try to find some soft-core porn perhaps more oriented to ladies that you can watch together. Masturbate with him and cuddle. This might be difficult at first, but if you can get your feelings calmed down, and relax you might find new types of pleasure and save your marriage too.
Hope this helps someone. I learned too late.

Here are some porn statistics:

According to Time Magazine, divorce lawyers at the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported that Internet pornography played a significant role in more than half their divorce cases.

A 2003 TCU study showed that men who view pornography frequently have more discriminatory views of women than men who do not view pornography.

According to a 1988 article in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology, pornography leads to lowered sexual satisfaction. Those who regularly view porn are likely to have trouble separating reality from fantasy.

As of 2003, there were 1.3 million pornographic websites; 260 million pages (N2H2, 2003).

The total porn industry profit: estimates from $4 billion to $10 billion (National Research Council Report, 2002); Total U.S. revenue (2005): $12.6 billion (Adult Video News).

More than 70% of men from 18 to 34 regularly visit pornographic websites in a typical month. (comScore Media Metrix).

More than 20,000 images of child pornography are posted online every week (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, 10/8/03).

Approximately 20% of all Internet pornography involves children (National Center for Mission & Exploited Children).

100,000 websites offer illegal child pornography (U.S. Customs Service estimate).

As of December 2005, child pornography was a $3 billion annual industry (internet-filter-review.com).

At a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in the divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases. Pornography had an almost non-existent role in divorce just seven or eight years ago.

A 1996 Promise Keepers survey at one of their stadium events revealed that over 50% of the men in attendance were involved with pornography within one week of attending the event.

51% of pastors say cyber-porn is a possible temptation. 37% say it is a current struggle (Christianity Today, Leadership Survey, 12/2001).

Over half of evangelical pastors admit viewing pornography last year.

Roger Charman of Focus on the Family’s Pastoral Ministries reports that approximately 20% of the calls received on their Pastoral Care Line are for help with issues such as pornography and compulsive sexual behavior.

In a 2000 Christianity Today survey, 33% of clergy admitted to having visited a sexually explicit Web site. Of those who had visited a porn site, 53% had visited such sites “a few times” in the past year, and 18% visit sexually explicit sites between a couple of times a month and more than once a week.

29% of born again adults in the U.S. feel it is morally acceptable to view movies with explicit sexual behavior (The Barna Group).

57% of pastors say that addiction to pornography is the most sexually damaging issue to their congregation (Christians and Sex Leadership Journal Survey, March 2005).

47% percent of families said pornography is a problem in their home (Focus on the Family Poll, October 1, 2003).

The Internet was a significant factor in 2 out of 3 divorces, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers in 2003. (Divorcewizards.com)

9 out of 10 children between the ages of 8 and 16 have viewed pornography on the Internet, in most cases unintentionally (London School of Economics January 2002).

Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography: 11 years old (internet-filter-review.com).

Largest consumer of Internet pornography: 12 –17 year-old age group (internet-filter-review.com).

Adult industry says traffic is 20-30% children (NRC Report 2002, 3.3).

“Never before in the history of telecommunications media in the United States has so much indecent (and obscene) material been so easily accessible by so many minors in so many American homes with so few restrictions.” — U.S. Department of Justice, Post Hearing Memorandum of Points and Authorities, at l, ACLU v. Reno, 929 F. Supp. 824 (1996).

What a nice combination of incompetent, irrelevant and biased stuff.

First, let’s filter out stuff which is irrelevant. Usually it’s people opinion, and not facts. Here go pastors who say pornography is “bad”, porn industry profits, and how regularly some men view pornography. All this stuff is completely irrelevant to the discussed topic. It’s here just because you copypasted the whole text without ever reading it. Check it next time.

Second, biased stuff. Here goes TCU, internet-filter-review.com and so on. If you don’t know, TCU states for “Texas Christian University”, and internet-filter-review.com is a web site which sells software for parental control, making money out of it. As you see, neither of those “sources” could ever be considered unbiased by any reasonable researcher. Which tells us a lot about the quality of this “research”.

And third, the stuff which is relevant and not obviously biased, but still not true. Here we need to use some brain activity. Look on those two claims more carefully:

1. Pornography is claimed to be significant role in divorce now, and was almost non-existent in divorce just seven or eight years ago.. Now if you check Census, it will tell you that divorce rate did not change significantly from year 2000 (which is 8 years ago). What does it tell us? That according to the same source pornography did not affect divorce _rate_. This is just yet another thing people who can’t maintain relationship blame for THEIR problems. As you see above, they also blame Internet as well; I wonder if they blame cell phones.

2. 47% percent of families said pornography is a problem in their home. There is no details, so it’s hard to estimate the relevance here. For example, one could set up a call-in for families who have problems with porn, and would easily get the “100% of families said pornography is a problem in their home”. Another thing to know, people rarely call in just to say they are happy and have no problems; usually the ones who do call have some problems to share, or need an advice. We call it “complain line effect” – choose a product of great quality, and spend an hour in their complain/customer support center. You’ll quickly learn the product is the worst ever made. But does it mean so? No, since you do not have a representative selection.

3. Quoted “a 1988 article in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology”. Published article is not a study. What you need to know is that article – unlike study – in most cases is just a personal opinion, which may be based on solid evidence, or not based on anything at all. There are no cross-checks. Anyone could publish an article explaining that watching chick flicks increases the probability of insomnia, and negatively affects self-esteem, and it most likely will get published. Another question, of course, is whether such article exists, and whether it says what it allegedly supposed to say, which also needs to be checked.

As you see, the whole suzanne post is just a baloney. By the way, suzanne, please next time add a link to the original. I doubt the /original/ author will enforce copyright law against you, but at least you would look more intelligent. Don’t be a copy-and-paste monkey.

Why does it have to hurt so bad? I know all of the “facts”. Men are visual, it’s not personal, it’s just fantasy…but you know what…it hurts. It feels like someone reached in and is keeping my heart from beating. I want it to stop hurting, but it just won’t. I now find that I don’t trust him about anything. The bad thing is we can’t talk about it. Everytime I bring it up he starts bawling about how sorry he is, and of course, I say it’s ok because if not then I am being difficult and I want to try to understand, but the pain is still there. I honestly feel like he has cheated on me and I know he will do it again.

It hurts because it IS cheating… The Lord Jesus taught that mental unfaithfulness is the same as adultery when He said, “But I say to you, that whosoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Lusting for other women might be common among married men, but it is certainly not something we have to accept or tolerate. There are men who do not lust after other women but you never hear about those guys. We as women have been taught otherwise, mostly by men, that ALL men lust and therefore we have no choice but to accept it.
Well let me tell you all something, you DO have a choice.. don’t put up with it. Find a man who loves you and respects you so much that he would never allow his mind to even begin to entertain thoughts about other women. Yes, it is possible for a man to have that kind of self-control. This to me is a real man. Men who look at porn are nothing more than just self-indulgent little boys.

Oh, and to John P..

Please stop flaming me and the other posters. Your comments are not helpful to anybody and it’s obvious you are here to hurt, not help. Maybe you should find another forum to make your voice heard, one where your comments will be appreciated by others like you.

jennie, it hurts so bad because you let it hurt so bad, and do not know what your husband thinks because you two cannot talk about it. A communication problem of this type is not easy to resolve, but is necessary to move on. For this you’ll first need to accept that you have a problem in your relationship, not just “he has a problem, and I’m not part of it”. This is hard to understand, especially if you’re surrounded by people like suzanna giving you placebos, but it is a necessary step to resolve the problem. Then he will not need to bring excuses, and you could talk about it – either together, or through counseling. It doesn’t have to be a marriage counselor – for example, if you two are religious, you could get a very good counseling in your church. Some friends are good in it as well.
I would also warn you about “finding another man” strategy, as it could easily leave you in the same situation, if not worse. Yes, it IS possible to “find a man who would never allow his mind to even begin to entertain thoughts about other women”. However you must understand that men do not come as a Subway sandwich, and you cannot have “just like this, but a little taller and please no thoughts about other women”. Men – and women – come in a package, there are good things, and bad things. A man who would ignore every other woman might as well be completely anti-social, extremely jealous (be ready to spend your whole life home alone), a religious nut, or something similar. So think twice before coming this way.

susanna, you are not moderating this discussion, so please stop telling me what I should or should not post/do. Your assumption that I need your advice is incorrect, so please keep it to yourself and your lord jeezaz. If you have anything to say, I’m listening as johnpa1966 at gmail. Please keep the discussion civilized and without personal attacks. Thank you.

I’ve read the whole discussion with interest, though I cant say I understand empathetically, how some ladies really feel and hurt, though I am also a woman. I’m Asian, and still married, for 30 years now, some might say, oh, you are culturally different. But same here, I used to be very jealous, always checking on my husband, if he is watching Porn, on his own; if he has funny txts, and if he is working late and having girl friend. However, we enjoyed watching porn together, though not frequent; I could sense, we both have the sexual urge while watching, and that’s why I was not jealous at all; and I know those girls in there are unreachable, don’t mean unreachable in the moral sense; they are just like any girl in the touch up magazine, we both understand that, and we have fantastic sex at the end of the porn session; and I bet he wouldn’t remember any of those faces.
I’m just trying to say, if you can have a chance to say you like to join in, don’t make him hide and do, may be he would be more open. The more you make it risky for him, the more he will chase, and fantasised. I sincerely hope this help some.

John P:
I think you are right and live in a conscious world. Is it better for sexually addicted married men to utilize internet porn over seeking pros or girlfriends which would introduce another array of probs. I have told my wife that I am sexually addicted to the endorphines released when masturbating. My wife is HOT and I would have sex with her 5-6 times on the weekend. We have been married 14 years and I still feel very attracted to her. The fact is her body cannot physically handle that much sex. I do think there is a problem when you choose porn over your wife. Maybe you should think about your physical appearance to your spouse. The sense of sight is an incredible force; however on the flip side the man is responsible in making certain his wife’s needs are fullfilled. I think some women and I emphasize SOME, simply have control issues with there husbands watching porn. There are women whom think they can dictate everything to men. I don’t think there is a “one size fits all solution” Women tell your husbands what you want and need, Men tell your husbands what you need even if you think it will hurt either persons feelings. Of course do it in a loving manner without anger or resentment. There will most likely be a fight or some disgust with either person, but think how much easier it will be to find out what the other person is thinking. Now with all that said my wife still thinks that I am more attracted to the porn stars than here, and I absolutley cannot remember anyones face. It is a pure chemical addiction. We have several other problems in our marriage but they all seem to stem from one grand central station…absolutely conveying feelings, emotions and truths to the other and dealing with daily life routine.

Seriously, if you want your husband to quit watching porn, then are you ready to fulfill his sexual desires? Men have a major sex drive, its part of our masculinity. My wife and I are early 30’s, she has no problem with me watching porn and has even bought movies for us to watch together. If anything, it compliments the great sex my wife and I have. If we are doing it regularly, I don’t feel the ‘need’ as much. Porn is a place where a man can simply look at women doing sexual things and masturbate. Men are visually stimulated.

Really, its not a big deal unless someone takes it way too far. A wife should not try to be compared *(or even think she’s being compared) to a porn star. Its unrealistic vs realistic. Men should keep it under control like any other vice.

I’m 35 yrs-old and I’ve been married to my husband for almost 6 years, we have 2 boys and a girl on the way (I’m 7 mos pregnant). I knew he watched porn but I thought it was once in a bluemoon. In reality, I think it’s more like every week. I know that’s not that big of a deal in some minds, but the real clincher is that I found a pile of ladies panties in his underwear drawer. Some of them belonged to my 25 yr-old niece who lives with my parents in their apartment, which is connected to ours (we own/live in a 2-family house). This is the 3rd time I’ve caught him with this panty fetish/obsession/collection: the first time was before we were married and he got rid of those, but this is the 2nd time during our marriage. By the way, the panties were clean, but obviously has gone through the wash, so nothing too scanky there. When I confronted him, he admitted that some were my nieces, some he purchased and some belonged to other women! He claims that he has never had an extramarital affair and I do believe him actually. I told him how hurt I felt, especially since some of the panties belonged to my niece!! He said that this time he would stop collecting panties.

I feel really hurt by all of this. I didn’t think I held back the sex…ok, maybe while I went back to school I went to bed later than he did because of studying, but we still had sex. I really did love having sex with him too and yes, recently, he stopped wanting it. He says it’s because of stress from work, but I can’t make myself trust him or believe in him or believe in our marriage. I do feel like one of those wives that feels betrayed and may have low self-esteem issues because, duh, I am 7 mos pregnant and who’s attracted to that? I can’t bring myself to forgiving him for thinking with his dick. He said that it has nothing to do with me,but I can’t help think that maybe he’s fantasizing about other women or even my niece when he’s masturbating, which I’m sure he is, or that he was fantasizing about them when he was having sex with me. I am so hurt and angry that I don’t think I could ever trust men again!!

I don’t know if I should divorce him and ruin it for the kids or if I should give him another try. Let’s say I did forgive him (not forget, but forgive), how would I go back to being happy with him?

I say porn is not worth your self esteem girls…. We are beautiful. Let the guys look. We can get them back ten fold by flirting and knowing their best friends would have us in a minute……

Porn hurts. I will never be dedicated as long as you are not. Your porn is two fold.

Porn totally destroyed my marriage. Before he “left me” for porn, my husband was the love of my life. Now the love I had for him is gone. I will be filing for divorce very soon and I will get the kids AND the house. Ladies, do not think it will get better if you just “ignore it” The truth is, your relationship is already in trouble. No matter how beautiful, sexy or desirable you are, no matter how much you love him, no matter how much sex you give him,(if he even still wants to have sex with you)you will never, ever be able to compete with porn.

This quote by Rabbi Shmuley says it all:

“Pornography is destructive not only because it is insulting to one’s wife, but because it takes one’s erotic focus away from one’s spouse. In this respect, the principal harm it inflicts is not radically different from adultery. When infidelity occurs, it destroys the marriage not only by causing hurt and humiliation, but by starving the marriage of attention, affection, and effort. The hurt that a husband causes his wife by being unfaithful is not, in itself, the deal-breaker in their marriage. The wives whom I have counseled through a husband’s infidelity are prepared to forgive him if they love him. The real deal-breaker is the fact that the wife is no longer the focal point of his sexual and romantic energies. When husbands and wives are not wholly focused on one another as the means of finding erotic excitement, they begin to drift apart.”

Okay. I’m not married, but I’m in a serious, committed relationship. I live with my boyfriend. Both of us like to watch porn..sometimes together, sometimes privately. It’s part of human sexuality. My boyfriend has told me that it’s just fantasy for him, and I agree because it’s just fantasy for me. I understand because I watch porn too. It has nothing to do with me. He finds me very attractive and desirable. We have great sex. However, if he was watching porn every day and ignoring me, there would be a problem. Everyone’s situation is different. My boyfriend and I have a very open relationship and are very committed to each other. Watching porn is harmless.

I’m not married, but even I know that there are consquences to certain behaviors. I’m not religious, but I do believe in God. Don’t be turned off just yet…here me out on this. There is a reason that you sex life suffers once you get married. It suffers because YOU HAD SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE! I know alot of people will blow off what I just said and say “…that’s great for you, it’s just not for me.” That’s fine. I’m not trying to tell you what to do. You see, the problem is that people want to have their cake and eat it too. When they’re young, they want to be in relationships and have sex and go from one person to another or whatever. Then they say to themselves, “you know, now that I’ve had my fun, I think it’s time to settle down with one person.” But how can you say that you will be sexually committed to one person when you were never sexually committed to all your previous partners? What, because a piece of paper says you will? God created human beings and He also created sex. When sex is taken out of context, it becomes tainted. All you are doing is stealing from your future when you have sex before marriage. If it were up to me you could be as promiscous as you wanted before marriage and then have a great sex life IN marriage. Unfortunatley, human beings weren’t created that way, and sex was never designed to be taken out of context. That darn free will! This is a circumstance where ignorance is NOT bliss. So once you have had sex before marriage it will become unsatisfactory once you become married. So ladies and gentleman, if you are one of those people that are scratching your head and wondering what happened after you got married, more often than not, you had sex before marriage. The truth is, you will never be satisfied and the itch will never get stratched. INow you know the source of pain regarding married sex life. So it’s not that your wife isn’t attractive anymore or that your husbands just bored with you or you’re bored or whatever, the list goes on and on. I just thought I would add some insight so that women understand that it’s not always your fault that you hate having sex with your husband, you’re going to have alot of interference (mentally, spirtually speaking). And for the men, sorry, but it doesn’t matter what you’re wife looks like, you will become uniterested in sex with your wife and probably look for it somehere else, via porn (not saying it’s right). If you’re not the self delusional type, then take what I said and apply it to your life, and that’s your evidence that consquences apply to EVERYONE across the board, no matter what you believe in. Everone thinks God set up these guidelines to deprive us of fun…what they don’t realize is that they are there for our protection.

i cant blv after reading all of this that porn has hurt so many wives …. i guess i am one of the many … lost my baby because of this thing …. i wish ppl who make porn were all dead !!.. ofcourse my husband isnt exempt but i wouldnt wish death for him … i love him beyond words …. just wish he was the same too .. totally destroyed my trust.. bfr i had sex with him because i loved him so much …. and thought i was the only one for him .. now i have sex with him so he wont be online looking at porn … no satisfaction for me in there … i just dont even feel it anymore …. but who knows he is probably online jerking off too .. when ever he gets a chance …

i cant blv after reading all of this that porn has hurt so many wives …. i guess i am one of the many … lost my baby because of this thing …. i wish ppl who make porn were all dead !!.. ofcourse my husband isnt exempt but i wouldnt wish death for him … i love him beyond words …. just wish he was the same too .. totally destroyed my trust.. bfr i had sex with him because i loved him so much …. and thought i was the only one for him .. now i have sex with him so he wont be online looking at porn … no satisfaction for me in there … i just dont even feel it anymore …. but who knows he is probably online jerking off too .. when ever he gets a chance … even after we have talked about it .. i just dont feel the same … he acts like everything is just fine and dandy !!! … ofcourse he takes so much care of me .. shows so much caring towards me … gives me everything i ask for … takes care of me beyond what words can express… but i am just shattered … i want to trust him so desperately … but i just cant seem to … it affects out lives daily …. i want to be the same person .. and i just want to forget about him looking at porn ever … but deep down it just hurts me so much even though he has said sorry …. and then started all over again … when i caught him he plain lied to me about it … its just kind of unforgetable for me … now i am in thekind of state i fantasize about what would he do if he caught me cheating on him … and i want to do it too … just so i can see him how jealous he would get … i am so scared of these thoughts ….. because where i come from these things are totally off the list… but i am so hurt ….. he has not even a shred of idea how much he has hurt me …. i act all slutty with im when we have sex …. i wear those micro mini skirts and basically topless tops …. bfr finding out about porn … i use to do all these htings too .. but to please him .. and i enjoyed knowing that i could please him too … obviously not enough that he felt the need to be pleased from this online smut …. just because i was pregnant …. and has my sister in law HIS SISTER and two kids in my house … trying to take care of all them … getting the sis in law’s shopping done and what not …. did he care about it at all … no way .. he just wanted his share of sex … no consideration on what his wife is going through …. after that i found out … and was so depressed basically we lost the baby … and then i had a c section … sex was offlimits for 6 weeks … he took so much care of me .. stayed by my side at the hospital .. took a whole month off from work … even cried about the loss of our baby …. but guess what went back to porn to “RELIEVE” all the stress …. i am a human too … i need to relieve stress too … wonder how he would react if he found out i was watching men with way bigger stuff and getting turned on by looking at them… and pleasing my self just looking at their things … wish i knew how he would have felt then !!!!!! …. i have tried to do it a few times myself … but all i seem to think is how much better my husband is then all of these fake , ugly guys ….. wish he could have felt the same ….. that hey i dont need to look at this stuff … i have my beautiful wife with me …. so what if she is pregnant … its jsut for a while more … then we will have the greatest sex ever …. why cant guys just think like that … i would never in my wildest dreams have thought my husband would look at porn …. he would constantly tell me i am “fully loaded” and take care of me while having sex … i was shocked when i found out about this …. we did watch porn together a bit in the beginning .. but i basically watched it for him and prayed for it to end … so soon my inlaws came to live with us .. and thank god that was the end of that …. if guys dont like the idea of anyother guy looking at their wives naked and getting off looking at their wives… how can then a wife take her husband looking at other naked women and jerking off … they have got the same exact things their wives have … so why not just please yourself with your own wife … tell her what goddamn thing you want to do to her or you want her to do to you …. i am so heart broken …. he now just acts like it never happened …. i try to pelase him regardless of what i get in return … but i am a human too .. sometimes i just want to beg him for sex… so pitiful on my part … and he just lays there sleeping all happy that got what he wanted … it makes me so furious at times .. i feel like we are jsut married because of FREE sex … we dont have sex when i am on my periods … at which time he is totally distant from me … not even a kiss, hug or a touch from him…. which just in my mind proves my point that all he wants from me is sex … porn really is invented by satan … because it creates so much space between the ones who otherwise love each other more then anything !! and anything that promotes so much hate can only be brought forth by satan…

i also have a huge problem about taunting my husband about this incident when ever we are in a fight … if there is an instance where i really have to hold my self back as not to taunt him .. in my mind i am doing just that … i want to stop this .. because this creates a lot of problems .. most likely of which that he will def go back to viewing porn again and again ….. so if someone has come over that habit do let me know how .. sometimes it takes every ounce of strength i have not to burst out about it …. it makes me dizzy and tired … i even have gone down to have fake orgasms sometimes so he would be satisfied!! …. i cant even go to any guidance or anything because i blv they cant help me at all .. hwo can you make the pain go away just by talking …. i have done the talking to my husband he just sits there and tells me he doesnt know why he did it … just because he felt like it … and i dont really want to start a discussion with him because he might go over the edge and then starts doing it infront of me …. he knows i wont be going anywhere, leaving him …. so he has that comfort of knowing that he can probably do whatever he wants … all iw ant is a bit of attention from his part … which is practically non existent except when he is in the mood …. i feel so bad saying all this about him .. because i still love him a lot … but seriously writing it all down makes it a bit better … i wish i can talk to him like this … but i am sure the outcome would either be him getting really mad … or him getting really really mad … he has a sports day out with his friends on saturday ….. and i have nothing to do at that time … i want to keep myself busy at this time because this is the time when all the nagging thoughts come to haunt me … in my opinion sports is his outlet to let all the frustration out that i give him at home .. and i am aware of this fact that i constantly fight with him over no obvious reason … just because at the base of every argument i have my insecurities nagging at me … that i am not god enough for him … i dont look nice enough … something is missing in me that he had to look up porn to make up for it… i just want him to spend some time with me …. just me and him .. but that just seems out of hte question …sometimes the only way out for me is to commit suicide … i cant live without him … and have trouble living with im … only way out is death … how to bring it about .. i dont know … i have never before seriously entertained the thought of suicide …. but there is no other way out for me … my son and my faith are the only things keeping me on the sane side! …

I’ve been reading over all these comments and have felt a great sense of comfort knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this problem. I am 24 yrs old and my husband is 23. We just got married 2 months ago and suddenly about a month ago our sex life started diminishing. He has a huge sex drive and so going down to once a week (and it not being very passionate sex at all) was really strange. I started thinking it was me and i needed to spice things up. So I tried last night and he made some stupid comment that completely ruined the moment. Today i went to my web history and noticed that EVERYDAY after i go to work he watches porn. I confronted him about it and he admitted that he masterbates every morning after I leave but didn’t seem to see anything wrong with it. I caught him about a year ago and asked him to please cut down his porn use and he agreed, but now i see nothing has changed. He says that he wants me to do different positions and what not, but i can’t compete with those porno sluts. What am, I supposed to do? It seems way to early in our marriage for him to lose interest in me. Is my marriage doomed?

I have read all the comments. Overall it is always the guys fault. I have a hard time believing its mostly men who do not want to make love to their wifes. My personal experience and observations with people I know it is usually the wife who mostly has some excuse for not wanting to. My male friends do not physically, verbally or emotionally abuse their wifes. Do their best to keep home reponsibilities 50/50 +/-. Yes once the couple has 1+ kids its hard time wise. Once in a while work can get in the way, but that should be a very rare excuse. Like someone stated MEN ARE VISUAL. Now if the wife is not “playing nice” well? Personally I would like to make love to my wife at least once a week..that fine by me.
For me there is no other women I really want to be with for a meaningful continuous connection. I will agree too much porn is not healthy. Masterbation is a natural thing. Try something new in the bedroom, Make him realise you can do the things he may be watching on the net.

Good to find this site – for the third time in our marriage I’ve caught my spouse of 19 years doing the internet porn thing — a guy who used to make a point of saying that you couldn’t “generalize” about men and that he was different. Like many women here, each time I have expressed my deep pain, how much it hurts me, and how rotten it makes me feel about my body and myself. Clearly to no avail. I love him dearly and I don’t think he’d cheat (I don’t know any more though, really). But the trust thing is completely gone. Not to mention, as I get a little older, it’s not so easy to keep feeling sexually attractive — and this sure doesn’t help. But what can I do? I do love him, we have two young children and an othewise pretty good life. Every time this happens we have a big blow out and I can’t even look at him for days. Most certainly I can’t bear for him to touch me because (as I have read over and over again here) I’m convinced — whether or not it’s true — that he’s thinking of the women he’s watching on-line. But I digress. We have a big blow out and then gradually things return to normal; one must live from day to day and he’s otherwise a good man. But it has essentially ruined our sex life for me — I always feel self-conscious and embarassed now whereas for so many years (we started dating in college) he made me feel so good about myself sexually. He’s given me all the standard speeches (1) he started because after we had kids the sex thing died down a bit (I definately picked up the pace after that but obviously that wasn’t really it) (2) it has nothing to do with me and so on and so on. It’s all so pathetic and trite. I’ve read some other websites and they seem to indicate that this is “just something men do” (a theory I had always held in deep contempt) and that I should try to be understanding — to eliminate the secrecy if nothing else. I suppose then at least I wouldn’t feel like such a fool everytime I stumble over this stuff on the drop down menu or favorites list. And I suppose for millenia women (right up to Hillary Clinton) have borne up under this kind of thing with dignity. But I don’t feel very dignified right now. Any comfort or thoughts would be appreciated.

Mr. John P says
First I have to tell you I love your comments and help. The only thing I disagree on is that you said It hurst because you let it hurt,from the point of view of someone like me, if someone kiks my leg, my leg will hurt,the same for emotional pain. I been married for 12 years and my husband started first with going once to a topless bar, he told me that he went, but that wasn’t were him and his friend were suppost to be. Than at one of our bbq’s he invited people from work, got drunk and started telling a co-worker that he loved her and that she was his baby, infront of me on to make matters worse the women said to me that her and my husbands don’t even have to speak to eachother just one eye contact and they know what they think. Imagine this put a big gap between me and my husband, I lost trust in him and his romantics words mean nothing to me. Recently I left him for a few hours to get my kids upstate and then all of us went to hershey Park. My husband was very quite for four days and look angry all the time. Finaly wen we got home we faught and the next day. He held my hand and told me what was bothering him. He said he watch 3 porn movies on cable and he felt that he betrayme and also he felt dirty. He cry for about an hour and then I felt realy bad for him. I don’t like porn movies, I never did. I was glad he told me, but I was so dissapointed in him. I think he is going to an aged problem, he is 44 and I’m 36. We have great sex, but a week ago he asked me if I will like for him to dye his hair and I said no, because to me he always looks great and I want to GET OLD with him, thats the point. I’m sorry if I misspale. I’m not from this country.

vee, thank you for your kind words. I’d still like to point out that your example is not particularly correct. Everyone feels pain being kicked in a foot, and you’d hardly find a sane person who enjoys it. This is not the case with porn, as even here some people shared their positive opinion about it, so it would be untrue to say that porn hurts every sane person. In your case, however, things look more like a “mid-life crisis”, maybe stressed by other problems – financial, for example. Counseling will help you both, but a one-week vacation without kids (if it’s possible) would help even more.

SadNewleyWed, it’s pretty normal for 24yo to masturbate every day and still have sex with you. But since it affects your marriage, it’s definitely not ok. Is there a reason you’re going to work and he’s staying home? Is he unemployed or works night shifts (which would be the worst case here)? Do you try to have sex with him in the morning before you go to work, as it looks like his sex drive peaks? Were you get married because everything was so good, or there were already some problems, and you decided this is the way to fix them?

Jones86, if you say you’re believe in God, you ARE religious. Check the dictionary. Believing it God itself has nothing about premarital sex (and some religious cults even encourage it). I could also name about fifty well-known Gods, including Athena, Odin, Ra, Beelzebub, Perun and so on; the experts probably would name several thousands. Most of them say nothing about premarital sex, some (Gera) encourage it. So it looks like you’re following yet another God, “Lord Jesus”, and just quoting the Bible even though you’re saying you’re not religious. Since I do not see any reason to prefer Jesus opinion over Zeus or Ra, I will disagree with your statement. Your assumption about cake is also incorrect – the marriage is not about getting free sex, it’s about establishing and maintaining the relationship. Also you’re missing the point that your God does not let you have sex for pleasure even in marriage, so your assumption is flawed.
As I said before, religion is personal thing which two people in relationship should agree upfront. If your spouse wasn’t religious, the marriage will not convert him, and it would be childish to talk to him with the bible in your hand. You knew what you were doing, you made the dinner, and you’re eating it.

suzanna, good luck with your divorce and house; hope the property price is going up in your area. The one thing I’d like to comment though is that most successful people almost never has their spouse in their focal point. They are concentrated on business enterprises, political career or winning Olympics gold. If you want to be the focal point of your man all the time, consider some very poor unlucky fellow. You’ll be the first and the only bright spot in his life, so you won’t have any self-esteem problem anymore.

bogie, that’s the position I like. Being from Europe I personally have no problem with my wife flirting with other men. If she wanted to have sex with one of them, I’d probably ask if I can watch and have an ice cream. I could return the favor when I’m back in Europe because I still cannot adapt to how ladies look like in US. But you’re being positive, and this is good. It is much better than “telling him it hurts you”.

JohnP, remember what I said at the end of my comment? If you’re not the self delusional type of person, take what I said and apply it to YOUR own life. You don’t have to believe what I believe in, but don’t you think it’s interesting when you think about the sex you had before your marriage versus the sex you have (or don’t have) in your marriage? There is quite a difference isn’t there? How would I know that if it wasn’t the truth. No one gets a free pass, sex becomes boring, passionless and the wife begins to view sex as a chore. Why do you think men cheat on their wives when they have a beautiful wife at home? It’s not about what you believe, it’s about the consquences of your actions.

married for 9 years and no children, well no wonder- he would rather please himself than have sex with his wife.
men are selfish.

Jones86, please excuse me, but before applying Yet Another Great Theory to my life – as you suggest – I usually do a cross-reference check. Both your theories cannot stand it.

First time your theory involved some abstract unnamed God, which – according to you – created humans, created sex and did not want humans to have sex before some civil procedure the God has nothing to do with in most countries around the world. The obvious fault of this theory is that it is based on assumptions which are impossible to prove. Like a lot of arguments above talking how the Bible teaches us to handle the marriage, or susanna’s quotes about some rabbies opinion about porn, those arguments might be only valid if everyone is religious and follows the same religion. For a person who does not believe in Jesus or Tora those arguments have little value. This is very common misunderstanding in the couples with the different level of commitment to the religion.

Now the grounds changed, and the theory is not based anymore on what some God taught us to do. It is now based on assumption that if someone had sex before marriage, and the sex was better than he now has in his marriage, this person would definitely be encouraged to cheat just to “remember” his good old experience. However in the same case the person who never had sex before marriage might as well be encouraged to cheat just to see how sex with another person feels like. There is a lot of reasons men and women cheat on their partners. Emotional needs, revenge, lack of attention, troubles… the list is countless. If there was only one problem, everything would be simple, and me and my colleagues probably would be much poorer.

Prior experience does not encourage or discourage cheating; same with lack of prior experience. The problem already starts when someone tries to compare what they have in this relationship with something they THINK they MIGHT have had if they weren’t in the relationship. The girlfriends’ typical peer pressure, “you are entitled to have a better husband” is alone responsible for roughly quarter of all divorces. What they learn in second marriage, however, is that they did have a better husband before, as the chance for the second marriage to survive is 10-15% lower than for the first marriage. Note that the problem is that they are comparing them, not just the fact they have this kind of experience.

“This is wild. I am starting to fall asleep.
But all of these comments are good, from A-Z.
I just happened to stumble on this site, and
I am amazed. I am 52, dated my wife (ex) for
7 years. We were married for 8 years. We had
sex during the latter part of our courtship.
I had porn, she new it, never talked about it.
I did not dominate me,in fact through time I
got bored looking at it. Heck, I thought I had
this beautiful loving woman. I did. Then all
heck broke lose. One thing I did not observe
in the previous comments was, when some women
have a child, their hormone structure just goes to “H”! I wasn’t getting any anymore!
I gave her everything she wanted. I repeatedly
asked her to have some openness, like talk
about what is going on in our lives. Everytime
I attempted this, she would turn and walk away. This started a WHOLE new problem…. I
started drinking, so I could go into another
world when I got home from work. I barely was
able to see my son, because she would be over
at her mothers house!! Would some of you ladies indulge on this “hormone” change for me
for I do not wish to go through this again,but
maybe I will have no choice. I been divorced
for 9 years, I want to get remarried, and live
the life that was given to me, and honor the
Lord and Father. When she left, she left me
with a 1″ by 2″ note saying, “I’m gone, and I
have your son”. To this day,I still do not know why she left.And sorry, I do not drink
anymore!

so what does a husband do if his wife just has no interest in sex and is ALWAYS tired or has another excuse. My wife is 44 and I am 38. My libido has not slowed and hers has come almost to a halt. I provide her with oral sex, mke sure that she has an orgasm every time, get her flowers, take her out, etc. I cannot keep waiting for the one time in a whole month that she is ready to have sex. Porn, although I know it is wrong, is going to end up being my only outlet. If we talk about sex, her satisfying me, or even her just taking off her clothes so I can satisfy myself, it leads to an argument. If only I knew this was going to happen years ago.

In my opinion, pornography use is not a healthy substitute for a loving sexual relationship, not even for those whose spouses have rejected them sexually. I can tell you from personal experience that solo sex is very unsatisfying in the end, and leaves you feeling very empty and depressed.

I believe God designed sex to be shred ONLY with the one we love. If the one we love refuses to share themselves with us, we are left with only three choices- leave the marriage and find someone new with whom we can share a loving sexual relationship, stay in the marriage and have an affair, or accept whatever our spouse is willing to give (or not give)

For 15 years I chose to stay in the marriage and accept the fact that my husband was never going to have sex with me again. Then one day I met someone who made me realize how much I had been missing all those years I “settled” for less than what I deserved. Today I am separated from my ex but we still share a home and are co-parenting our two children, and my new partner lives with us as well. This arrangment may not be for everyone but it has worked out well for us for the past two years. The marriage may have been over but not the friendship. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and do what makes you happy, evn if it means leaving your comfort zone. There’s nothing worse than being married AND desperate. At least now I don’t have to beg someone to make love to me anymore!

Just wondering if there are men who think that porn is not acceptable. Would love to hear from someone who gave up porn for good or tried to but could not.

I am a 65 year old man and I don’t care for porn at all and no, I am not gay. I prefer the real thing and porn is fake. I just think it is disgusting, period.

This post has been very helpful. I too am struggling with some of these issues. I recently came down stairs after putting our 6 month old to bed to see my husband looking at the maxim website. This sparked a good discussion with us that I too was missing the intimacy—especially the good sex, not just the release kind that happens at the end of a long day. So my trouble is that I don’t want to be hurt and upset by his use of “soft porn”. I want to understand, but inside I am really hurt and cannot stop thinking about it in my head. My husband is wonderful and loving and what I think hurts the most is that I wish he had bought me the sexy lingerie and romanced me. I admit I haven’t done this sort of thing for him, but I miss the excitement too. He says this is something that he does very rarely and has only gone to this one website (maxim) that doesn’t show women totally nude. However, it is all the same to me if he is looking at other women for sexual pleasure. I worry that it could get worse and that my feelings toward this are going to interfere with our great marriage and sweet children. I too seek pleasure when he is gone (that is another trouble is that I was home when this happened) and understand there is a role for self-pleasure in a marriage, but I think neither of us are getting what we need from each other and that is where we need to start. So, I have made a strong effort to add some spice to our love life these last few weeks—both because I want it and to help stem the use of porn. Is that silly—will he always use it? If he is looking at maxim, will he look at other stuff too? Is he fantasizing about the 20 something’s he works with at the college? I also worry that we’ve had great sex these last couple weeks as I have made this effort, but is that “rewarding” his for looking at the porn? Any help would be appreciated.

Meghan,
I am too wondering if rewarding a guy with great sex so that he does not need porn is a sign of a weak character? Shouldn’t he stop first, go through a sort of ‘probation’ to test his decision and only then get rewarded? Next, if ‘great sex’ isn’t something you put effort into all the time how can you maintain it in a long run? And if you don’t keep it going will your husband stray away again?

Vince,
Do you know younger men who share your opinion?

JM- my husband doesn’t watch porn. I told him how I felt long before we were engaged and he no longer does it. He was never an addicted type person or anything but he did give it up because of my belief that it shouldn’t be a part of a relationship unless both people agree on it. I know he doesn’t do it secretly either. I trust him with that and it’s not like I wouldn’t find out if he did. he also wouldn’t be able to lie or keep it from me if I were to ask him. so to answer your question…yes there are Men who give it up and I’ve seen a lot others on other message boards too. Some Men don’t like it regardless of a relationship.

JKM, the first time I saw pornography was when I was living in Los Angeles in the sixties. I had unwittingly walked into a “dirty” movie house and watched about three minutes before I got up and walked out. I did not like watching people having sex. In fact I thought it was filthy and disgusting. It was definitely NOT a turn-on for me. Age has nothing whatsoever to do with it. I may be a senior citizen but I still have a healthy libido and I appreciate a good-looking woman as much as anyone else. I guess I just prefer the real thing to a fantasy. Maybe I’m just a hopeless old romantic, but I still think sex and love go hand in hand. Porn is for perverts and losers.

Vince,
Thank you. The reason I asked about age was to prove/disprove a theory that men can grow out of porn as they grow up/mature. I see it does not have to be this way. Some never like it regardless of their age. Good news.

I left my husband three weeks ago over internet porn. I have read all your comments and it just makes me more sure of what I have done. We have two beautiful children. He looked at this stuff on our home computer! When I confronted him he said, “I am just a base guy, but I have never cheated on you”–but he did. He found gratification outside the marriage, and was–quite frankly–functionally impotent for most of our marriage. I think that he was so desensitized by the stuff he was looking at that regular–marital–sex just didn’t do it for him anymore. He broke my heart and destroyed our family with this stuff and he still doesn’t get it. When I look at him, I see a creep. It got to a point that I couldn’t be in public with him because he would look at other women and get this glazed look in his eye. I swear he didn’t even know he was doing it!!! I don’t mean just looking–which I could have handled– but this leering thing I have trouble describing. After the first confrontation I forgave–until I found out he was just moving his sessions to his work laptop. The problem with this stuff is that some people just can’t stop–and they look for more and more until their wives aren’t enough. He couldn’t be excited unless I acted kinky—in a very uncomfortable way–and it made me feel like a used kleenex. I knew what he was thinking of when he was with me and it slowly tore down what self-esteem I had left. Now, now I feel guilty for leaving, but I know it will never stop. My life is ruined, my children are now in a single-parent household, and I cry every day. But I will never go back to that. I have daughters. What would they have thought if they found that stuff on the computer (I cleaned it all out–a not unpainful process to go through.)? This stuff destroys families, and it destroyed mine.

Desperate Housewives? This is from a 23 year old jerk. These women are obviously in strain for their marriage, and that is an honnorable thing seeing that they are so easy to get out of these days. I am engaged, and have ran into this problem w/ my fiance. I consider it cheating. I told him if it continued that we will not get married. I should have seen the signs with the bikini girls on his wall when he was a batchlor, he freaked out when I put up a poster of a gorgeous guy without a shirt on, we agreed that neither would have such things. I think I’m calling the wedding off. I can’t risk it, I don’t want to get divorced.

Men would not be happy to have the tables turned. Men are more conditioned that this is ‘okay’. I was wild, made my mistakes, sinned and asked forgiveness. I am ready to leave that life behind. I don’t want it in my family life.

I am 31 years old. Porn had been all around me when I was a kid. I too find that my husband sucks in bed now that we are connected to the internet. If I viewed porn the way that he did, it wouldn’t be long before I just went out and got myself the sex I see on the screen. And I don’t know why I am keeping the internet connection, I guess I want him to look at it again so that I have permission to cheat on him. I am dying to do it anyway. Anyway, men can be selfish and deny the problems they are causing by acting like porn should be acceptable, and that even the soft porn featured in every magazine and movie is acceptable…but I for one will f*** my husband over so fast he will then find himself feeling the feelings of hurt and rage that he has caused me!

I am angry that my husband has lied to me and I will not stay in this marriage and I have given him a warning.

Iparette,
You should laugh from happiness, not cry. Seriously. You left for better, not worse. If you stayed you would feel like crap over and over again. It takes enormous effort for corrupt minds to change. By and large, men do not have that strong of a spirit. Even if they give up porn for their own reasons they still can not learn to view women differently that late in life. Spirituality does not come in one day. Look for someone who already has it. God bless.

first off PORN does and will destroy a marriage. One Pastor is on a mission to prove it too. He is a great guy, who has live audience proof of basically this ” how many women sitting here would be turned on knowing your husband is, or does view porn nobody’s hands raised, then he asked the same question basically in a different manner…. to find out google your way to laugh your way to a better marriage, this guy is awesome!! Oh and by the way porn is and will destroy our teenagers so much so that by the time they do get married the wont ever have the emotional connection with their spouse….quite interesting to view this dvd, some short clips are on you tube as well.

Hi

i would like to share my view as a husband.
I am religious and faithfull to my wife.
I also never had extra marital affair never ever in my life but i did fantasize it.
Being men and women both human beings and i heard both fantasize about sex and if fantasizing individually in isolation is not bad
(ofcourse untill and unless shared with each other it is such a thing that one is afraid lest the counterpart should not feel bad about her/him)
Even I watch porn movie with my wife.
I personally have no problems in as long as it satisfies her and me both.

I have so many rambling thoughts right now and have never posted any sort of comments like this but i am feeling so sad and confused about my husbands internet porn habits. we have been married 5 years and have two children one of which is just 4 months old. i don’t doubt that he loves me more than anything and would never go out and physically cheat on me but i was on the computer and stumbled on to where he has been saving all of his porn videos. in the last 3 months he has over 50 videos saved. i know he thinks that i am not good on the computer cause he will clear the browse history and i always know when he has been on a site that gives free porn movies…(so the sky is the limit). i have a very open mind and we have watched several different porn movies together. but i find it very disturbing that he is watching so much. like i said, i just had our second child 4 months ago and of course my libido is down and my self image is as well. before the pregnancy, i considered myself very sexual and sexy(just as good as those women in the movies) making sure that i satisfied my man both orally and everything but of course i have the flabby stomach now and can’t fit into any of my size 4 pants anymore so i haven’t been feeling very sexy. He tells me that he thinks i am sexy and pretty and all but it is not enough to just tell me. he used to not be able to keep his hands off me but i think that watching alot of porn and probably jerking off is satisfying him for now and i have a very hard time with that. he is out of town on business for a couple of days and i know he is probably having a good old time with his laptop in the hotel. but like so many others that i have read i believe watching it by his self is not healthy for our relationship. i too have watched some movies alone as well but very few and far between and have told him when i have but i feel like lately he is trying to hide how much he has been watching. i don’t know what to do. i want to confront him but i almost want to throw myself at him every night for a while and see if the porn watching continues. is this wrong? should i just ask him. i feel like he has been cheating on me or something and yes like these other comments, i feel like he is seeing those women in his head. i know he will be so offended when i bring it up probably saying that i am not giving it to him so what is he supposed to do?….but that is not true….yes i have not been the sex goddess that he probably wants but sometimes i think that if he had it his way,…..he would want to several times a day. i am just feeling so hurt that he couldn’t come and talk to me about this. i am always thinking about his sexual needs….giving him oral probably more that actual sex trying to be a good wife but these porn movies these days are so far fetched. and i agree that it can desensitize a man to his wife. and he has not really tried to pursue me. he keeps talking about how he has not done me orally or even touched me there in a long while. i just think i should tell him that he shouldn’t watch it unless we are together and same goes for me too. it hurts me so much to think of him getting off to these hot women in these fantasy situations. i am confused and feeling hurt.

To everyone male or female.If you are in a serious relationship,
If it is a problem for one of you, then IT IS A PROBLEM for both of you.It might be helpful to discuss,or investigate why it is a problem, it could be
very helpful.If you have an understanding and not defensive mate you might be able to come up with workable solutions.

Hi

i would like to share my view as a husband.

I am religious and faithfull to my wife.

I also never had extra marital affair never ever in my life but i did fantasize it.

Being men and women both human beings and i heard both fantasize about sex and if fantasizing individually in isolation is not bad

(ofcourse untill and unless shared with each other it is such a thing that one is afraid lest the counterpart should not feel bad about her/him)

Even I watch porn movie with my wife.

I personally have no problems in as long as it satisfies her and me both.

Further to my previous comment, it is not bad to share fantassies and actually visualise. it works as a binding and exciting force.

I’m sorry but as a guy I really need to chip in here. I used to watch porn before I met my wife and before I converted to christianity. Then I stopped watching it for a long period of time. I have just recently started watching porn again, and I can tell you that it is 100% about sex, and 100% my wifes fault. She has absolutely rejected any sexual advances that I have made over the last 6 months (and we have only been married not even a full year). Over time the rejection has caused such lonelyness that I ended up looking for personal connections in other places, which led me back to porn. All I would say is that if the guys are looking for it somewhere else, the probability is that they just arent getting what they want at home. My suggest would be for y’all to try initiate sex for a change, instead of expecting the man to do it all the time. Most guys want their wives, and its the wives who turn them to porn and worse.

Wow. Someone even mentioned REWARDING a guy with great sex. So there are still women who thinks of sex in relationship as reward? This was a typical “girlfriend advice” a decade ago, and for us this was always a sign of a woman who either is non-sexual (and does not enjoy sex at all), or has pretty low self-esteem and covers it with sex denial. No surprise it does not work – their men pretty soon find porn, fleshlights, Internet dating and that prostitutes cost $200, always available, and do everything they want. Once she finds, she gets mad and then we have another single mom who is told by her girlfriends that she “did right thing”, and her next marriage will be much better because she will find a “right man”. Then Census tells us that second marriage has a 15% greater divorce rate than first, and for the third marriage the divorce rate is close to whopping 75%! Apparently it doesn’t work, she is getting old and alone, while her ex-husband got a young nice-looking wife from Philippines who was grown up being taught to do everything to please her husband, and they live together in happiness till death. Pissed off? That happens much more often than you think. Two my personal friends went this way, they said they would never marry an American lady again. And they are not stupid fat rednecks, they are MDs in their 30s, good-looking and making some money. I see their ex-wives occasionally, one of them still blames porn for everything. Not her sex denial, no – porn is responsible for everything! Well, it’s a shame we live in a society where we’re suing companies for hot coffee, and where personal responsibility is thing in the past.

To RK: you example is really flawed. Imagine people who watch porn, do group sex and other “nasty” things and enjoy them. What do you think, how many of them would you expect to see on your Pastor mission? Zero. It is the same as your pastor would ask if anyone believes in Allah Almighty, and by this poll result “prove” that no one believes in this stuff.

I have said it before, and I repeat it – be sexy, and you will never have any porn problem. “Sexy” does not mean wearing thong once a week, thongs are not sexy, it’s casual. Victoria secrets is casual as well. Go to Europe to see what “sexy” means. And if you think “I’m not a slut to wear THIS”, you’re not ready to have sex anyway. Become a nun and pray Lord Jeezas, you’ll be rewarded in Heaven.

I’m a 39 year old married guy whose wife has just found out that i was viewing porn and i can tell you that i feel utterly ashamed and
only wish i could have discussed this issue with my wife before she had to find out through the guy who fixed our pc.

I NEVER fantasise about other women(believe it or not)not even when we are intimate, which is a few times every 6-8 months. NO EXCUSE i know. It was stupid of me to go on believing that by not always complaining about our lack of intimacy, as we both have two young children and have hectic schedules,(i know – so does everybody else)was showing her some sort of consideration by not asking her for more regular intimacy.
I’ve NEVER been disloyal to my wife – not even flirted with other women and i selfishly thought that i could vent my sexual frustration with porn.
The sad thing is i know i have seriously affected her self-esteem, which makes me a complete ba##x@d. I know it’s going to take a while for her to forgive me (if she ever does,completely) but what I’m more concerned about is how to support her and help build up her self image again because i do love her immensely. I say again because I regularly make positive comments about her appearance and give her a lot of emotional support with various matters and she makes it quite clear that she appreciates this but now i think she’s probably thinking whether it was just all an act on my part and i don’t blame her. Quite frankly i don’t care about the lack of intimacy anymore.My behaviour has just made the situation feel 10 times worse – and i deserve whatever I get. I know i need to gradually earn her trust again and I can tell you from this experience that PORN SUCKS when it’s viewed in an underhand manner.

I also want to make things better with my wife for the sake of our children. Their well being and that of the family is much more important than my selfish, secretive porn viewing was. I say WAS because before i had access to the internet I survived without porn (at least hardcore porn)and so i know I can do it again for the sake of my marriage it’s just sad i had to tarnish what is otherwise a good, strong relationship.

order a few toys for yourself, honey. use them, then put them away in the night stand. no back talk, no arguing, you don’t have to cook for it, clean for it, or wash its smelly clothes. a few double A’s are well worth it. safe sex. how about thinking about YOUR self first

I was raped twice. Once when I was nine and once when I was seventeen. The man who raped me when I was nine could say nothing but, “You remind me of that pretty little girl on my computer” over and over again. I have had nightmares from this over and over again. Before my husband and I got married, he admitted to me that he had been curious one time while in college and bought a pornographic DVD. He told me it disgusted him, but then he kept watching it over and over again. Even though we were not together then, I felt betrayed and very hurt but I forgave him because I thought it was a one-time thing. A few months after we got married, I discovered that my husband had visited pornographic websites. That betrayal came back to me. He has done it a third time and I am seriously thinking about leaving him. I love him with all my heart, but I cannot keep reliving my past. When he does this, all I can think about is the men who raped me and it’s like it’s happening all over again. Pornography repulses me to my core. It turns men into perverted monsters. I WILL NOT wait until my husband is into bestiality before I address this problem. I have password protected the computer, I am making us go to counseling, and I am making him install a pornography blocker on the computer. I told him if he does it one time more, I will leave him. We have a three month old son and I do not want that crap around him. I feel used, betrayed, disgusting, vile, and ugly. Pornography is not normal, it is not good for marriages, and it just shows that the people involved in it have no respect for themselves or anyone else.

This is a fascinating discussion. All sides are represented, yet there is little flaming.

My take? We’re in our 40s and have been together about 15 years. for the past several years, her libido is greatly diminished, but mine is not. I find that porn and masterbation helps make up the gap between her sex drive and mine. She doesn’t really like the fact that I do the porn, but it is better than weekly fights over how often to have sex.

There was a quote from a rabbi earlier that porn takes one’s erotic focus off their partner. Does it do that? Absolutly. But he does not acknowledge that a low-libido spouse often doesn’t want to be the object their spouse’s erotic focus. If I’m doing porn once or twice a week, it doesn’t bother me so much that I’m not having real sex, my wife doesn’t feel pressured to have sex when she doesn’t want to, and we aren’t experiencing unsastifying “obligation” sex.

But just like with alchohol, it has to be under control. I find that if I am doing the porn & masturbation several time a week, I tend to oogle women in public more, and obsess about sex more. I find that once or twice a week is the right balance between spending too much energy at it and being too obsessed with it, and the opposite extreme of that “need to get laid” irritability. Plus, on those infrequent occasions when my wife wants to be intimate, I can respond properly.

At this point in my life I am seeking balance, and that means paying attention to how my body and mind feels. Our sex life is not ideal, but I have no control over my wife’s diminished libido or her lack of interest in correcting it. All I can do is adapt to it in a way that works for me.

I found my husbands porn history on his laptop by accident, I was looking for my own info. What a shock, it has been 3 months now and we have fought weekly about this, he says he won’t do it anymore but I don’t trust him. He has let me check his email and laptop anytime I want but I still feel he is hiding things from me. All I know is after 18 years of marriage I don’t know if we will ever be the same again. He says he is ashamed but soooo much has come out. His friends send him porn, he gets email from dating sites, and I am truly hurt by it all. I quess my question to all the men out there is why. We have an active sex life now, when our children were younger it wasn’t what he wanted and it wasn’t what I wanted either, I was a stay at home mom of 3 small kids and tired all the time, he was never home. My advice to men is tell your wife you love her, show her by being there and helping and if she’s tired don’t take if personally, try a little harder believe me, when we finally do have time for sex there is nothing better than the man you are married to and in love with, we miss sex too. Porn only hurts us, I wonder everytime we make love now, is this something he saw or is it even me in bed with him right now? He says yes but I will never know will I. Trust is so easily broken and it’s very hard to earn back. I hope all the wives out there figure something out I know I want to I just don’t know how long it will take and if I’m strong enough to do it. good luck and guys if you have a real live women you shouldn’t need a fake one. enjoy what you have.

Islamic Concept Of Sexuality

Islam recognizes the power of sexual need, and the subject is discussed in Quran and the saying of Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) in a serious manner, in context with the marital life and family life . Islam does not consider women (or men) an object of sexual pleasure but with a legal frame work of relationship fulfilling the will of God. While the sex outside marriage is a punishable sin, sex with one’s spouse is an act of worship. The Islamic laws regarding sex are fixed and do not change with peer pressure or changing values of society. Virginity at the time of marriage is considered a virtue in Islamic morality, but a disadvantage in the West. No wonder less than 10% of American brides are virgin.

Mention Of Creation, Reproduction And Sex In The Quran

“Verily We created man from a product of wet earth, then placed him in a drop in a safe lodging, then We fashioned the clot into a little lump, then We fashioned the lump into bones, then We clothed the bones with flesh, and then produced it as another creation. So blessed be Allah, the best of creators”. Commentary: The seminal fluid has all the ingredients (protein, carbohydrate, minerals) as earth has. The order of embryology given 1400 years ago when no microscope, X-ray of ultrasound were available is the same as discovered now. Western scientists recognized sperm in 17th century and thought it to be a miniature pre-formed man”.

4. “Your women are a tilth for you, so enjoy your tilth the way you wish, and make an introduction to yourself.

Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) said:
1. “When one of you have sex with your wife it is a rewardable act of charity”. The companions were surprised and asked, “but we do it out of our desire, how can it be counted as a charity?”. The Prophet replied “if you had done with a forbidden women, it would have been counted as a sin, but if you do it in legitimacy it is counted as a charity?”.

2. “Let not the one of you fall upon his wife like a beast falls. It is more appropriate to send a message before the act” .(foreplay)

3. “Do not divulge secrets of your sex with your wife to another person, nor describe her physical feature to anyone”.

Concept of Adultery (Fornication or Zina) in Islam

Allah says in Quran:
1.”Do not come near to adultery. Surely it is a shameful deed and Evil, opening roads to another evils “.

2. “Say: Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and reasons” .

3. “impure women are for impure men, and impure men are for impure women and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity”.

Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) has said on many places against adultery as one of the three major sins. However the most interesting story is that of a younger man, who came to him and asked his permission for fornication, since he could not control himself. The Prophet dealt with him with reasoning and asked him if he will approve of someone else doing illegal sex with his mother, sister, daughter or wife. Each time the man said ‘no’ then the Prophet replied that the woman with whom you plan to have sex could also be somebody’s mother, sister, daughter or wife. The man understood and repented. The Prophet prayed for his forgiveness.

Adultery is a crime not against one person but against the whole society. It is a violation of marital contract. 50% of all first time marriages in this country result in divorce in 2 years, and the main reason for divorce is extra- marital affairs of either husband or wife. Adultery which includes both pre- marital and extramarital sex is an epidemic in this society. Nobody seems to listen to the Bible which says frequently “Thou shalt not do adultery”. The Quranic approach “Do not approach adultery” is more sensible. What it means that not only illegal sex is prohibited, but anything which LEADS to illegal sex is also illegal. These things include dating, free mixing of sex, provocative dress, nudity, obscenity and pornography. The dress code both for men and women is to protect them from temptation and desires by onlookers who may lose self control and fall into sin.

“Say to the believing men, that they should lower their gaze
and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity,
and God is well acquainted with all they do”. “And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty. ..”.

goodluck to all coping with this out there …

and even after all of this homosexuality is being promoted … wearing clothes that are like not wearing anything is promoted … getting drunk and laying off is promoted …. clubs are on the rise ….. prostitution is on the rise …. cheating .. divorcing …. mindless sex is rising …. sex had become a HABIT, an addiction , instead of a pleasureable and fulfilling relation with your loving spouse !!! and people wonder why there are so many mental illnesses nowadays …

we should all clap and cheer for the porn industry …. that is so widely accepted these days …. and women who work in these movies act “proud” … wow … is that what u want ur daughter to grow up to be .. is that how you want ur mother to act like … is that how you want ur wife to act like with other people … and women you need to take care of ur man … there are times when you dont want to have sex … and im not saying you have to have sex even if you dont want to .. but there is a thing called compromise .. and if you love each other … compromise shouldn’t even be there … you should adapt to each others needs .. once in a while it wouldn’t hurt to do what he wants .. and men should take care of their wives pay attention to them .. not by just letting them buy whatever they want .. but physically, mentally and spiritually same goes for the women … even if one thing is imbalanced .. the whole tower falls … one imp thing is communication .. plz communicate with each other about each and everything .. especially if it has to do anything with your intimate lives with each others !!! …think about ur kids … their future .. don’t be a selfish jerk and think about ur pleasures …. these kids will grow up to be inadequate .. and with low self esteem .. and are likely to be looking for love or sex regardless of how old they are … and will lead to a more disturbing future then your sexlife issues…
and the root cause of this is SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE …. nowadays a guy who is a virgin at 20 is made fun of .. and is being called a dork … or gay by girls … that’s just shameful … and then all of you who think its so “cool” to be laid at 14 15 or 16 are sitting on this site crying when u get married !!! … women who love to tease men by wearing mini skirts .. micro skirts , cleavage revealing blouse .. sheer tops and what not … a guy sees you he asks you out or you go on a date with someone .. he marries you for your body … he married you for the looks not the whole deal .. and that love is bound to die sooner or later …

This is in response to Someone says. My libido was very diminished as your wife’s is, I am also in my 40’s. I had been on birthcontroll pills for years then had to stop and my libido came back. Talk to your wife, I wish my husband had talked to me. Does she know that her lack of interest has pushed you to porn. If I had know believe me I would have tried to change. When I found my husbands porn it tore my heart out. It felt like he cheated and I have read from many husbands that you guys don’t feel this way but to me He cheated on me and it is taking a long time for me to get over, I have even considered divorce! This is just my take but even when I wasn’t interested, if my husband persisted in a nice way I never regretted making love with him. It is a wonderful thing to share with the man you love. I know now that love is very different for men and women. Men are more physical and we are more emotional. I feel very guilty for wasting so many years and wish I could make this up to my husband. He has promised to give up the porn and I want to believe him. If any man or woman out there has advice for and old woman like me I would really appriciate any help I can get. Should I believe him? What can I do to make up for the past? I’ll check tomorrow and days later for a response. Good luck to “Someone says” and to all the women hurting out there I know just how you feel.

Im only 18 and find it hard to get off porn because ive been watching it for a few years now. The reason I watch it, like most men, is because Im lonely, i need a wife but Im going to wait for about 5-7 years for that.

If a man has just got married and he’s addicted to porn, chances are that he will still continue to watch it, but it will die down as time goes on and as he becomes more closer to the wife.

Porn is something that most men watch and find it hard to get off and getting married seriously helps them ( i believe), itll just take time for the man, but he will always love and find his wife hotter than the women in porn.

Off topic:
To be honest the main reason I want to get off porn is because I want a better, more respectable wife when its time to get married. Porn is something that distorts the mans perception of a womans status which is why some men rape women and think “stop” means “carry on” as porn films make out to be.

I think that you guys need to relax. I am a 27 old mom and I have be marrried for 7 years and I enjoy porn myself. My husband and I watch it together I think that it gives us ideas to try. It has spiced up our relationship. We had 3 children in 4 years and this was before we started watching it together. You can believe what you want about us but when we are still married in 25 years then you can see who was right then. I am madly in love with my husband and would have no one else.
Onthe masterbation thing youi know that we have tried it once and if you havent then you should because it is good. If you anc your husband explore each others body and enjoy what God has given you then you or him wouldnt be wanting something else.

Oh Ali (115)you are so young and naive. Men don’t look at porn only because they are not married. And when they get married they don’t stop. They are just more sneaky about it. I have been married 37 yrs. My husband looked at his for stag film (what they called it back then.) at 15 yrs old. It has caused many problems in our marriage. He had an affair, for more sex. I forgave him, thinking it was my fault because I was not giving him as much sex as he needed (twice a week at least) but he still watches porn. He says all real men do it,and he can do what he wants. When he does look at it he then comes to me for the finally. If I’m home when he does it. If I’m not, he masturbates. He says he does it to start him off so it won’t take so long with me. Because he know that I’m not interested as much as him in sex. That’s what happens when you get older.At least years ago it was hard to get porn now it’s too easy and creating alot of problems in families. And that dam Viagra!

I think the majority of us know that it is a self esteem issue – but that should be addressed, not used as an excuse or reason to blame women for having a problem with porn.
My fiance told me the other day that he has watched videos “a few times” – most likely an understatement. But he puts so much energy the rest of the time telling me that I am it… that I look great… that there is no other woman but me… that when he masturbates he only thinks of me or us…
Well, this cannot be true if he is masturbating to other women – women absolutely nothing like me. Yes, it may be a self-esteem issue – but let me tell you, this does not help. And I feel like a fool for letting him talk me in to believing him.

So, I havent talked to him about it. If I do, it will seem like a problem – and the end result will be that he stops talking to me. And starts hiding things. I don’t think that talking can make him understand or not WANT it.

and another thing…. I put so much energy in to things i did not used to. Cute clothes, shoes, makeup, sexy outfits… etc, etc. I am open to experiment – I do whatever he is interested. And whenever. We have sex at least every other day – on the weekends, twice a day. We do it when I am physically hurt. Emotionally hurt. Too tired (I get at least 4 hours of sleep less than him a night!!!).

And this is what I get?

ok, so ive read all of these, bc im having the same problem with my husband. ive tried doing everything possible. sometimes i feel betrayed and insecure or maybe jelous that he looks at it. ive told him how i feel about it. i like other women on here fantasize about other guys, but its not to the point that i know that my husband does. i asked him last night (bc i felt insecure after sex bc he wasnt focusing on me) if he thought about porn while we had sex and he said yes!!!!! im glad he didnt lie to me about it in a wierd way, but ticked to the point that i dont even want him to touch me after admitting that! why am i soooo insecure about his porn use? why does he even have to use porn?i take really good care of myself, and plenty of people have told me i should be a model, and am gorgeous…so why cant he see that? i feel that every somewhat attractive female that walks our way, he might think about when we have sex, or even his past sex partners…help me stay sane…or have i lost it already???

so, i just read unsures thing, and im in the same boat, ive done everything possible to “ensure” that he wont use porn, i.e. sexy clothes, keeping fit, role playing, anything n everything, etc, the list can go on, but without fail , it fails…no matter how hard i try, im never enough for him, and thats how i feel, but i keep trying..bc i love him, but if the men loved us so much, wouldnt they stop, bcit hurts us so much? i even tried watching it w him n just focusing on the guys, but guys in porns are not good looking anymore…lol…im stumped.

Porn is normal. Although it can definitely be addicting like anything else. Some people drink some people are materialistic, and some people look at porn. Doesn’t mean that your husband doesn’t love you or that he is thinking about other women when you have sex. Are you thinking about Brad Pitt every time you have sex? You go see his movies because he’s good looking don’t you. How many guys go see a movie because some dumb girl is in it? Hardly worth wasted time. Get off it. Although just as some people drink themselves into holes, porn could lead to infidelity for some. Bottom line, if you ask your husband to stop and he all out refuses even though he clearly sees it bother you, then you should have dated him longer before marrying such an asshole. Marriage is about compromise and if you don’t have that, what do you have? I think many guys look because guys are visual. And lots of times, guys ask for sex and wives act like that is all their husband ever wants, but if he quits asking then something must be wrong with you or he’s not attracted to you anymore. Get off of yourself. Find out what you want and make it known, we can’t read minds. And for those of you who are trying to spark things up with little luck, I’m sorry, your husband is an asshole. My thoughts are, if your wife wants sex and you push her off for long periods of time which sends her into depression because women have low self-esteem and they can’t really help it, then you deserve whatever happens. Whether that is your wife cheating because you are too self absorbed to put out for her or divorce, it’s youre fault as much as hers. But ladies, keep in mind that guys like visuals. And no guy wants you to put out with a frown so if you don’t enjoy yourself, how can we enjoy ourselves. If that was the case, we would just keep looking at porn.

After reading all the comments on this page and taking in what everyone has had to say, even though I do believe that each situation is completely different from the next, all the women here are dealing with the same feelings of hurt and betrayal.

John P., I thought you had some intelligent things to say but the more you posted, the more I found myself skimming over what you have to say, because to be honest, you started to sound like a stereotypical bitter, middle aged, divorced male. So the intelligent voice started to disappear and the ignorance started to become more apparent.

You point the finger at American culture and American ideals as if they are solely to blame for all the hurt and shame a lot of the women who have posted on here are feeling. Your comments are also degrading to women of other cultures, as I’m sure even the Phillipino and Thai women you are referring to wouldn’t especially care for your comparison to her being “taught” how to please her husband, as if she is a pet of some sort to the man she marries.

It is impossible for a woman to maintain the same figure she had when she was first married after babies and time takes their toll. The problem is that men are conditioned at a young age to be aroused and attracted to a specific type of woman. It is not a “real” woman but a fantastic ideal of a woman that has been perpetrated by the media and embraced by society. The reality is that no woman can live up to that standard of woman and we should not have to.

In your ethnocentrism, you have stressed that the women here don’t know how to please men, or take care of their husbands, and even have been choosing the wrong kind of lingerie! (the European kind you stoopid American women) when in fact, the real issue is not quite as simple as which is the best choice of lingerie.

You, John, do not give any women here solid effective advice that they may actually incoporate into their marriages, you just berate them for what they have not yet learned or have gone out to try to learn. I wonder, precisely, what is your are of expertise, as it is so clearly not couples counseling or marriage therapy.

I find that the real issue here with most of the women that have posted is a lack of confidence. Be it in themselves, their husbands, their family, their marriage or most likely a strong combination of all of the above. I believe that confidence and self esteem start on the inside and work it’s way out. You not only have to be strong for yourself, but you need a strong support network in your life in order to maintain your self image. Sex is usually the area of a person’s life that takes the brunt of stress in any other area. Say work is stressful, a friendship or other relationship is stressful, your children are causing stress, your sex life is ultimately what takes the brunt of the other stressors in your life.

The other issue is the lack of communication. There is always some way of getting another person to open up to you. If the information is important to you, then you need to seek out healthy ways of getting it. What’s important here is not that your husband is looking at porn but WHY he is looking at porn. It is your responsibility to yourself, your spouse, and your marriage to find out.

The vast majority of you will find that it has absolutely nothing to do with how attracted your spouse is to you. Far from it. And you may discover something about yourself or your spouse that you never even knew. And it will open up a gateway of new ways of communication and interaction that you never had before. You will actually be quite relieved to find that it’s not you or how sexy you are or are not. There’s something deeper at play here.

Don’t get me wrong, the lingerie (no matter what kind it is, as long as it’s see through and lacy), the gym, and taking a glance in the mirror before you see your spouse are all good ideas. But they should be done first because it makes YOU feel good, and second because it makes your husband feel good.

I am a newly wed, like two weeks ago i got married newly wed. My husband is a kind hearted sensitive man, but he is also quiet and keeps most things to himself. I found porn on his computer a few months before we got married, i was FURIOUS… he was so embarrassed and torn that his actions had hurt me so badly he actually started to cry. I calmed down after a day or so and talked to him about it a little more, and he promised that he would not look at porn anymore now that he knew’s how it made me feel… a few days ago , I found pictures of women and by women i mean 18-20 years of age in bathing suits but in very provocative poses the title about them saying ” We are Naughty/We are sexy.”It wasn’t women that are all done up with fake breasts either, these are real, every day women–

I got so angry and still am. I am a confident woman who tolerates very little. I grew up with a mom who had a very strong voice, I guess I take after her a bit.

I guess what I’m trying to ask, is there anyway to get him to stop before I give up on him and become totally detached?Mt first instinct is to say.. Well ou obviously just gave me the finger, why should I wait around until you decide you ‘need’ me.

Like a comment above mentioned, this definitely puts our life on hold as far as starting a family and keeping our trust we had in eachother when we said our vows.

I suppose my point of view is , if he can keep gawking at women… Than why am I expected to stay reserved around other men.. He likes giving attention, i like getting attention. All bets off. I’m going to do what i feel needs to fulfill me as well.

I don’t believe in divorce, but I also don’t believe in sharing the sexual part aspect of our relationship either.

Anyone able to give me a strong helpful new perspective? My husband had to go to training the morning after i found these ‘fabulous’ pictures on his computer, so needless to say, these feelings are not resolved and I’m absolutely still resentful towards his lies. I know that he is not a bad guy. That is why I married him , but this whole porn thing may just convince me that I was destined to be an old maid.

Either that, or I’m going to start fullfilling my selfish desires behind his back as well.

YES, I AM HAVING THE SAME PROBLEM WITH MY HUSBAND, AND I FOUND ALOT OF THINGS BUT HE WILL NOT ADMIT TO ANYTHING. HE TELLS ME THAT I AM CRAZY BUT I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT HIS SON HAS THE SAME PROBLEM. BUT HE IS GETTING HELP FOR HIS….IT HAS PUT ALOT ON OUR MARRIAGE
HE HAS NOT WANTED TO HAVE SEX AS MUCH AS WE DID IN THE PAST, YES, OUR MARRIGE IS NOT THE SAME…….

JJY: If you think your spouse may be struggling with addiction, then please encourage him to get help. It is almost impossiblt to overcome addiction without help from a professional. It could save your husband and your marriage.

Porn to a guy satisfies a need the same way romance novels satisfy a need in women. Their sexual desires are different, and so the media used to acheive them are different. Men are very visual, and women very aural – hence porn (visual) and romance novels (aural). Women, do you really think you could get your man to understand your love of romance novels? Typically he just accepts it and lets you get the pleasure you derive from them. What’s the difference with porn?

Now both can be disruptive to a fulfilling marriage, especially if your concept of marriage involves controlling what goes on in the spouses head. (hmmm.. maybe that is the root problem – thinking you have that right to control). Anyway, women let the house turn to a dump and lose themselves in romance novels. Men spend hours viewing porn. I truly don’t see the difference. Both take energy away from the relationship. Both overdone are bad. Both satisfy and may be good done in moderation, and both, if used to start healthy conversation could lead to very healthy real life sex with your spouse.

So girls, quit villifying porn until your own mind is all clear of clean of scenerios from novels, and quit blaming the guy while you are being as emotionally unfaithful in novel inspired thought as he is with porn. Then work on bringing both your fantasies into the real world.

LOL romance novels are not only brain cell killers, but rarely EVER been accused or compared to an addictive substance.

There are support groups, hotlines, and therapists that deal with marriages that have broken down because of porn addiction.

Please show me where these romance novels come into play with the divorce rate? Because I’m just not seeing it.

Also, I think you’d have to have the IQ of a doorknob in order to actually ENJOY one of those things. Have you ever seen one? Read a page or two?

My brain cells are committing suicide just THINKING of reading that trash. So give me a break. You’re comparison holds no water because there IS no comparison.

When brain cells are all killed by porn, comparing porn to romance novels makes perfect sense.
Gary,
Women reading romance novels are looking for the missing feelings of love, light, inspiration, magic, etc. Do porn users look for the same?

I personally think that all men crave more adventurous sex. My husband and I watch porn together and i dont feel threatened by the women at all! I can’t imagine that anyone would actually have such low self esteem to let someone on a movie make them feel threatened! I am 27 and my husband is 10 years older. I certainly have learned most of his sexual desires and fulfill them! I know some married couples that treat sex like a task, which I can’t imagine…have fun with it…make it spontaneous. Put something sexy on including a thong, bend over in front of him and pull it to the side…my man loves it! I think it is both of our responsibilities to keep sex interesting…then who needs porn to see desires carried out???

The answer is really simple. 1. men need to evolve. Women are complex and intelligant while most men still act and think on basic first instinct. 2. Stop making this rubbish. No I am not some desperate housewife fyi I am a 23 full time worker about to be married. I cant compete with fake women. It takes away the sacred things in life. God made us human yes we have sex but god also ment for our eyes to see 1 person. Please do not ruin our society any more. The violence is enough lets not let our children go to see the new comedy and there are 23847 sex scences in it very graphic and mostly nude women. 3. The clothing idustry needs to empower every woman. I believe with confidence this wouldnt be as big of an issue. Guys you make your lady feel special and beautiful and confident she will do WHATEVER you want.

I must say I’m really shocked to read all the comments here. I come from an Asian culture that I thought is more conservative and so wrongly assumed women in the Western cultures would be more open towards such issues as porn.

Before I go on, what I write is just a generalisation from my life’s observations. I have no experiences, insights or inclination to comment on addiction, obssessive behaviour, deviant inclinations – beastility, kiddie porn and/or other uncommon behaviour.

Moving on, I particularly relate to what “sag” says. I would like to also relate what I think from my own marriage and situation. I’m married, 2 kids, and sex has never stopped being really good in ten years. It has evolved, it has changed, but generally it has become better gradually.

I think one very important point women are missing is what sag has pointed out – men watching porn, it’s not about how attracted they are to you. This pertains to normal behaviour – watching porn a few times a week for short periods or to masturbate is probably considered fairly normal. I’m a little shocked by women who insist this is unacceptable and consider it an ultimatum. Why is this so severely flawed imho? Well, everyone is wired in a certain way. Men are generally wired in a certain way – and that’s why most of us masturbate at some point in our lives. Can we stop? Probably. What for? To make someone do something for your sake is going into a marriage and saying change or else… That sounds to me like a pretty bad way to enter a marriage? And to hear the comments from women who say their husbands did it before and promised not to and you found them doing it – well, a leopard does not change its spots and you certainly should not expect it to.

Asking a man to stop watching porn when it’s a natural behaviour is akin to saying to him – if you love me enough you will walk on fours. Can he? Probably – but it’s not natural and some of the time he is going to be walking around on twos. I am sorry for people who believe watching porn is immoral, or whatever other negative sentiment – there are many beliefs, religious or otherwise, that try and teach us that porn is bad. If you believe it, and your husband does, then there is no issue. If your husband watches porn, regardless of his or your belief system, then please realise that this is his natural inclination, which again, regardless of your beliefs, is normal.

Putting all of that into perspective, if you are considering getting married, and your man was at some point single, he is probably going to be masturbating to something, and normal tasteful porn is a pretty normal healthy stimulant. Men have short attention span, require lots of audio and visual stimulation and porn is pretty much a natural choice.

So, you meet a man, and it’s probably a given he is using porn. First and foremost, accept it. Make sure you are comfortable with this and it does not affect your self-esteem or confidence. Understand it has nothing to do with you or his attraction to you, unless he’s making love to you and his eyes are glued to the tv. Once you are comfortable with this idea, preferably even excited by watching it together as part of foreplay, then can you move towards being slowly rid of it.

But whilst I say that – I’m talking about a journey where porn becomes less of a stimulant for the man, and the woman becomes more of a stimulant and eventually porn is no longer required. The objective should never be aimed at being rid of it, because then you’ve already set an expectation that needs to be fulfilled. It is about the journey, the challenge of making the love making, and you, better than any porn he can find. I must emphasise – great love-making is a natural 2-way road. You should never aim to please him in everyway he desires unless you are pleased in everyway you desire. Truly, the best encounters are with those whom you have had many intimate encounters to learn more about each other.

I’ve seen a lot of my peers dwindle in sex, stray from marriages, and so on. Before going on to any other issues – I would say there are a few really really important issues to get right in your life.

Having kids can be the end of your sex life, or not affect it at all. Get disciplined, and sort your kids’ sleeping arrangements out early. Both my kids slept on their own from 6 months. Set up video monitors or whatever else to keep your spouse contented. Once your sex life wanes, it takes a lot more to revive it.

Self-esteem. Love yourself, feel good about yourself – what you don’t like do something about. If you’re emotionally dependent, or if you depend on compliments to make you feel good, then there’s a lot wrong with you in the marriage. The best marriages are two confident people who take care of themselves come together and take care of each other. Everyone is busy these days, tired, financially stressed. Make time to sort out these problems. Need less material things and love more of just being together. Make each other want to be a better person for the other.

Recognise that communication and fairness is everything from day one. You give, then do expect something in return – NOT the same as giving with expectations, but do not give endlessly without reward. Don’t like it, talk about it. Talk doesn’t solve the problem? Go for counselling, talk to family and friends and finally if there is no alternative, break up. It’s so sad to see down-trodden people moan and groan about their lives. Take a look in the mirror and see if anyone would fall in love with someone like you – and if you can’t see it, then don’t expect your sex life to be good.

Why all the above stuff? Because if your sex life is great, you wouldn’t be debating over porn. It is often used as foreplay, or to supplement healthy love-making, but all the negative comments I read about betrayal, feeling hurt, threatened – I’m truly saddened by. Our happiness is often driven by our own beliefs, molded by society, people, parents, friends – and it is something you can change. Huge numbers of men in the world watch porn – and when something is so prevalent across all parts of the world, it is very often just our normal inclination. Sure you can fight it, but it comes back to understanding the need for it and the root of why it is prevalent. Is it bad? In most cases, no. So the hurt you feel from your husband doing something which he is naturally inclined and is unlikely to be negative in any way just doesn’t seem very logical.

I’m 34, been married for 2 years. Found out the hard way that my husband has a few porn dvds and magazines. And after a battle with myself and him I got over it (to an extent), I accepted that he does it, I cannot control it and he doesn’t throw it in my face (i.e. does this mean he hides it from me if I know he is doing it? I dont know). A few days ago I found about 30 pictures of his ex-girlfriend of 7 years. 1 of them having sex and all the rest of her naked or in provacative outfits showing EVERYTHING (lets just say I have seen more of this chick than I care to!). We have both had a very honest relationship and I knew that him and her had done stuff like this but never ever did I think he would still have the pictures. When I confronted him about it he lied and said she had them. I then told him I had seen them and he got all defensive. He then apologised and said he was embarrassed and that is why he lied. I am mortified. When I first asked him why he had kept the pictures he said it was because ‘you know you just keep things’ – when I confronted him 2 days later again to try and find out the truth he said it was for porn. He reckons he didnt know how to get rid of them and yet he says there were double that amount half of which he got rid of? Am I confused? Yes. I am mortified, horrified, disgusted. This is way different to looking at someone you dont know. what is even worse is that he moved countries to be with me..the love of his life and BROUGHT THE PICTURES WITH HIM. In other words he brought HER into our relationship where she has been for the past 6 years. So not only did she muck up their relationship with her promiscuity but she’s ended up destroying ours too! I also wonder why he hates her so much if he doesnt care? I really dont know what to do. I am not really into too much of that sort of stuff and am generally more of a romantic so am not sure whether I am being completely ridiculous or whether I should divorce his sorry butt right now. He is actually one of the nicest people I have ever met but I am not sure I can forgive him for this. I’ve never felt so humiliated or destroyed in my entire life and the worst thing is that I cant talk to anyone about it because its embarrassing for him but even more humiliating for me! Any comments are welcome.

p.s. he did say he was sorry and that he made a stupid mistake. I asked him if he ever felt guilty when he looked at her pictures (which he reckons has only happened twice – not sure I believe that one bit!) and yet he does not seem to be doing anything to make it better but being overly polite etc. I am not sure what I expect from him but I dont feel he is doing anything to fix this! I keep on thinking what will I tell people when we split up – how embarrassing but then I think why do I care? He must pay. I dont trust a person without a conscience and clearly he does not have one!

A Christian’s Point of View

I have three main crutches in life; tobacco, alchahol, & porn. I will talk about porn; however, any crutch you have is just the same as the other as long as it takes away from your relationship with Christ.

Jeremiah 4:14
Oh Jerusalem, wash thine hearts of wickedness, that thou mayest be saved. How long shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee?

Philippians 3: 14
I press toward the mark for the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Romans 7:12
Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey in its lusts thereof.

I don’t mean to be a bible thumper, but come-on, it’s in black and white. Our body is what looks at porn. Our soul is what tells us not too. It is a sin we will be accountable for some time in the future. Just think, Jesus died for us knowing the sins that we committed, commit, and will commit. Simply ask forgiveness and do everything in your power to stop.

Porn is a work in progress for me. I have watched porn many of years. My wife has the same issue as the majority of women above; however, she will watch with me at times. Each time I watch, with wife or not, I get this sick feeling in my gut, that something is wrong. I have always had the idea that watching it together is better than watching alone. How ironic that Adam & Eve ate the apple together and probably felt the same way. We are born with an internal desire to sin, thanks Adam & Eve. That is our punishment passed down long ago. Does that give us the right to sin? Of course not; however, understanding that the desire to sin is in our blood is the first step to stop. I am by all means not perfect, I still watch porn – due to my weaker side. The stronger is at work, continuously letting me know right from wrong. It’ like the old cartoon with the devil on one shoulder and angel on the other, both whispering in each ear at the same time. You must choose, and if you falter, pray, repent, and read scripture. It’s what keeps me going.

Romans 7:24
Oh wretched man that I am! whom shall deliver me from the body of this death?

Vince – you are a wonderful man and it’s very refreshing to read your comments. I have always given my husband a lot of freedom and trust and after all of this I feel completely betrayed and why did I bother. I now know how it is that women become bitter towards men after being let down and reading your comments has helped me realise that maybe one day I might trust a man again.

Iparette – good on you! You did the right thing. I understand it must be very hard with kids but I believe they will be far better off in a single parent family than with an unhappy mum. They pick up on more than we think and am sure would love for you to be happy.

My husband and I run a marriage ministry at our church which includes a mentoring ministry for couples. Since beginning this ministry porn has come up as a problem with many of our couples. I wonder how many marriages are ending because of this, and yet we never know, because the parties are too embarrassed to admit it.
With that said I’ve read most of these posts and notice that the thread has continued on and off for over 2 years, and most of the posts have been one persons stance on the issue. So that leaves me with the question I came with, what can we do about it? The reality is that men feel, for whatever reason, that they need it and that it hurts no one. But the reality is, it deeply affects the wife and the marriage relationship. So, again I ask, what can someone do to heal from this in their marriage? I want to help these couples and have no idea what to say when the wife tells me she can’t trust her husband to not look at it and that she’d rather die than be in a relationship where it exists. Please help me, so I can help others.

A lot of men like porn. Either deal with it or leave. My ex tried the ultimatum thing, I basically told her she could pack her things and to not let the door hit her in the behind.

I work six days a week, make good money, take care of the repairs and yardwork, am not a drunk or drug user. She wanted to throw a fit about some porn on the computer. Now she is out of the house and back in her hometown. I am an easy going guy, but I was not going to be lectured to by her, and I CERTAINLY wasn’t going to let her bark out ultimatums.

Don’t like your husband looking at porn? Then file for divorce. It’s time to put up or shut up…

To Micheal 138 – I am sure your ex is much happier herself. You sound like a real nice guy – NOT! No wonder you are not married. I feel sorry for the women you bait.

Thank you for pointing out the obvious, Jennifer. You are very astute in figuring out that, if she wanted to go, and I didn’t care if she went, we are both happier.

Good work on that one.

I have to agree with Jennifer 139.

Michael – you sound like a bitter twisted divorcee who no doubt found this site looking for porn. Good on ya wife.

first off michael’s ex is lucky she finally got away in time. he sounds like a jerk, but thats neither herenor there. im above in posts 120 and 121, and im now having more intense anger towards this subject. i dunno why i even ask him, but i do, if he masterbated yesterday, bc he does it at work, and he said yes, well, i asked him the other day also, and he said yes, but he didnt use porn, which lastnight he finally admitted was a lie. i decided to show him how much hes hurting me, and went to the court website n downloaded divorce papers n threw my rings at him n told him when he could respect me enough, then to bother….however thats why i did that all in the first place is bc he laughed at me, told me im crazy and said he did think about how id feel before watching it n masterbating, but he decided to do it anyways, knowing it really bothers me. like ive said before, i keep myself in shape, i bust my ass around the house, have dinner made, house clean, and look nice when he comes home from work. i BUST MY ASS! i dont wanna have to do this everyday, bc its not getting me anywhere anyways obviously, but i dont want to totally give up either…when we have sex, its totally amazing he says, and im like a pornstar, so why does he feel the need to watch it anyways, even though he knows it hurts me so much. i was crying, shaking, and hysterical lastnight after he laughed and belittled me. but this am, he tells me, he doesnt know if this is going to work after lastnight. is porn seriosly that addicting and fantastic that it has to come between us like this? i feel that hes “mentally cheating” and given the righgt opportunity, hed cheat on me also. i tried asking how hed feel if i went n used a dildo bigger then him n he said that he wouldnt like that, and that “that was different!” some nerve…..some nerve, how is that different?atleast im not watching some other guy thinking about his cock while i do myself…am i right?????or am i wrong? what do i do after everything totally went downhill lastnight….weve only been married 2 months, n he knew how i felt going into this marriage.

I think men will justify their porn use with any excuse imaginable. My ex told me he looked at porn because “he was feeling hurt” and on another occasion he told me it was because my thighs were too fat. I am convinced that a man of low moral character will look at porn even if he is married to a supermodel. (think Christy Brinkly)

My pastor told me I should reconcile with my ex because I do not have Biblical grouds to divorce him. (we are currently separated because of this issue) According to my pastor, mental infidelity is not adultery because actual sex did not occur. I asked him, what if my husband hired a prostitute and watched her perform various sex acts for him while he masturbated. Would that be considered adultery?

His answer? No, since no touching was involved. My first thought? He’s probably doing it too.

Face it ladies, we’re fighting a losing battle here. It’s like that jerk said, either put up with it, or shut up. I found the best revenge… stay married to the jerk and give him a taste of his own medicine. There are plenty of men out there who would be thrilled to spend some “quality time” with you and show you what it means to be with a REAL MAN. Why waste your time with a baby who still likes to play with his penis? Show your man the same disrespect he has shown you. Forget the dildos. Tonight, put on your sexiest dress and tell “honey babe” that you’re going out to meet the man of your dreams. If that doesn’t get his attention, nothing will. At the very least, you will still be able to enjoy his paycheck!

Suzanna, your (so called) pastor is an idiot, and yes, he is probably using porn himself. Sexual infidelity, virtual or not, is grounds for divorce in the Bible. But don’t cheat on him until your divorce is final, if that’s what you decide to do. Otherwise, you’ll also be guilty of adultery and just as culpable as he is. And yes, you are fighting a losing battle, if you’re fighting it without Christ and your husband isn’t saved. For EVERYONE reading this thread, go to http://www.job31one.org and read my Q and A page. Find out what porn is really doing to your marriage.

got porn? you shouldn’t.
http://www.job31one.org

Wow. I’m not alone.

I am 40 years old and have been happily married for 17 years. We have three children and are financially stable. I am physically fit, as is my husband. I believe staying attractive to my husband is important, though really it’s a matter of personal pride for me. I’m smart, fairly well-versed in world issues, like sports, have a sense of humor and don’t fit into any of the excuses usually granted to men who surf porn..ie: their wife isn’t this enough or that enough. Our sex life is really good and I am as likely to initiate intimacy as he is.

Recently I discovered porn on my husbands computer–again. We have faced this problem a handful of times over the years with mixed responses and results. Usually there is the knee-jerk denial, then finally an admission only after the proof is undeniable. Here’s the thing. He can never tell my why he does this. I get that men don’t think it’s a big deal but if it’s very hurtful to the woman who has committed her life to you, shouldn’t that be reason enough to curb the behavior?

The biggest challenge in this is the deception. A marriage is an agreement. We have established parameters within which we operate. We agree on standards for child rearing, finances, emotional and sexual expectations. Anytime either of us chooses to act outside those parameters, it’s a breach of trust. If I rack up debt, start beating my children or form a relationship with someone outside my marriage, I should be held accountable. Simple as that. If, as we change and grow, our old agreement doesn’t work anymore, I’m perfectly willing to talk about that and open to negotiations. Sneaking around takes that option off the table. It’s a dirty little secret that makes you question every aspect of your mates commitment and honesty. You can’t help but wonder, “what else are they lying about?.”

Back to the excuse thing–In the past I have wondered what I might have done to cause or prevent this and it took me till now to realize it’s not my problem, it’s his. Understand this ladies–you can never be the one thing that makes porn so enticing and that thing is SOMEONE ELSE.

SO the question remains, how to move forward? I hate being angry all the time. I am not his mother and hate the compulsion I have to constantly check his computer–which is laughable really. There is no shortage of software out there to help someone who is determined to cover their tracks. I do feel like I wouldn’t be so compelled if he were more forthcoming and open with the computer. His reluctance to give up his passwords makes me wonder what he’s still hiding. Also, I’m sure it’s no coincidence that what he admits to is only what I can prove. I think it’s quite likely that this was/is a regular thing for him, but he would never tell me that. I wish I could make him understand that being honest about the extent of this would be difficult for me at first but at least we could have an honest foundation on which to build. Right now I feel like I’m living in a house built on sand.

Do I think he would actually cheat? I don’t think so, but then again, I didn’t think he’d be surfing porn either–although he says he’s not now. Nothing would make me happier than to take him at his word, but I’m just not there yet. I hope to be someday.

One last point. The hardest I think. I love this man. I would never do something that knowingly hurt him over and over again. Have I made mistakes? Sure. And I’ll make more. But INTENT. Intent is what makes this so unbearable. He knows what this does to me. How could he not? I’ve been very plain about it. Yet it continues. So is he stupid? Doesn’t get it? No. He gets it. He just doesn’t care. There’s no other conclusion to draw.

Funny thing. I tried not to care too. I actually decided that this just is what it is and I will not destroy my children’s lives over it. I would go on, head up, and not let this effect me emotionally. I would just assume the worst so as never to be surprised again. It worked for about a day. Like I said, I love him and can’t just put that aside. I guess that’s why I don’t understand why he can. It is such a sad thing. He has a habit of saying “this is not who I am.” Obviously it is. It may not be who he wants to be, it may not be who I thought he was, but it is who he is.

What is the saying?

CHARACTER IS WHO YOU ARE WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING…..

I have to say something here after reading all the comments some of the men have made about ladies needing to exercise, be willing to try exciting sexual positions, blah blah blah about only pleasing the man.

Let’s turn the tables here fellas…what about you? How does YOUR body look? Do you regularly work out? Do you regularly initiate sex with your wife/girlfriend, or is she constantly initiating and you still prefer the porn and masturbation because you’re selfish and only thinking of getting yourself off quickly?

What about her feelings and needs? Have you noticed that she always (some women) keeps in shape, wears sexy lingerie, initiates sex, etc., and you still porn and mb more than taking the time to please her?

Let me make this clear, I see no issues with porn and masturbation. I enjoy it myself at times. The problem arises when the man solely DEPENDS on porn and mb and neglects his wife or girlfriend who has exhausted herself for your attention.

I don’t care about this crap of “men are visual creatures, or when you’re with the same women over time, you need more variety”. How would you feel fellas, if your woman had that same attitude, and therefore neglected your sexual needs (unless you don’t care if she does because you would rather live in a fantasy world), and she constantly depended on porn and mb and only satisfying herself?!

Stop being so selfish, otherwise, why be in a relationship with a woman in the first place! It’s not all about YOU…a couple makes TWO. If you prefer your porn gals and mb to your wife or girlfriend, then get out of the relationship. It’s not fair to her to continue living in a stale relationship sexually, and then making lame excuses that she “needs to workout, needs to wear this and that”. BS! As you have read here, there are MANY of us women who are constantly doing whatever we can to please our men sexually, going out of our way to try and keep it together.

So men…when are you going to start reciprocating and returning what is so rightly deserved in a relationship…otherwise…get out!

this blog was created in 2006 …. over then internet has evolved so much .. now porn is widely available FReE.. sadly not just to adults but kids as small as 8-9 years old ….that shows which direction all of us are going in… the replies have also increased since 2006 … question is it that the women just became aware of this problem now? … or are we seriously having an increase in emotionaly retarded men due to emphasis on sex in every damn thing available these days ?

I have been married for 18 years.
I adore my husband. I am the affectionate type. He is not.
We have fabulous sex life when we have it.
I would like it more often, he does not seem interested.
We are both in great shape. We exercise daily together. We are also together 24/7 as we work together.
Pornography was never a real issue. He does get the playboy station on tv , but I have never said anything.
Today I had to borrow his computer and when it came up it was on a porn site. I then looked at his history for this morning and he had been on over 50+ porn sites. I printed them out just in case I need for some reason in the future. He said that he was working on some financial things this morning and he was really visiting virtually every site on the web.
I don’t know what to think. He would rather look at porn than be with me.

Michael, just an advice. While I admit tossing your girlfriend out might boost your ego, but it is no different from what she did – it’s the same ultimatum-style reaction. A long-term relationship is about compromise, it’s about working around your personality incompatibilities, and resolving the problems – and there will be A LOT of problems during any relationship. It is generally easier to quit existing relationship than to resolve any significant problem. However the next relationship will also bring problems – and usually new problems are more sophisticated than old ones. Basically if watching porn is critical for you, then reacting in such a way might be the only possible choice. But if it just your reaction to any “ultimatum” – you might want to take a further look there. Generally ultimatums never fix problems in relationship, and this is something two of you could have talked together about. Even though you wouldn’t save your relationship at the end, you’d acquire important problem-solving skills which would help you in further relationships.

SAG, thank you for your post. I would never say I’m going to write intelligent things – after all, people only consider what you say intelligent if that’s what they agree with themselves. Otherwise they’ll call it “biased”, “bitter” and “ignorant”. At least you refrained from sticking labels and name-calling, which means we still could have a civilized discussion, even though we might disagree in our opinions.

My comments regarding relationships in other cultures are based on my own experience. I lived more than 30 years in Europe, and more than five years in Asia, nine months alone in Manila. While there is no way I could be considered an expert in all those cultures, I could definitely see the difference between them (since the difference is HUGE). I understand your offense because you look on those things through your American culture experience. But this is true that in Philippines getting a good husband is still considered a priority for a girl, and “nobody will marry you” is a very negative statement. If you try to tell such a woman that she need to concentrate of being self-sufficient to be able to spend her life without ever getting married, she would not understand what you’re talking about either.

You said that I put some (not all, though) blame for the problems on the American culture and ideals. This is correct. The culture greatly affects the behavior of society members, and studying the cultural issues helps me in some cases to understand the root cause of the problem. The difference is dramatic – for example, in Romania male cheating in relationship is generally acceptable by society as long as “it’s only sex”. In Manila a lot of relationship problems consider from lack of money and living with relatives, and things like obesity problems are almost non-existent. Porn addiction is not a problem there, they have other problems. Same with American culture – most of the problems found here are specific to America, and virtually non-existing outside USA. Again, I admit that my experience is limited, and if you lived abroad for a while, I’d like to get your opinion on the subject.

You tried to twist what I said by saying that it is impossible for a woman to maintain the same appearance after babies and age. However this was not what I said. I said that it IS possible for most people to look good for his or her age, but it will take some effort. For example, my wife looks better after three babies, and she even admits it herself while she’s very criticizing in regard of her appearance. In most cases there is simply no excuse of getting extra 100 lbs after a baby. Yes, it’s not really possible for most people to look twenty in his or her fifties, but it is obviously possible to look good for his or her age. Again, it’s culture-specific. When I came to US, I could hardly believe the person appearance during the marriage could change so significantly that it could actually lead to problems. Well, at this time I was quite naive and if a lady said she got extra weight after a baby, it usually meant extra 6lbs and unability to fit in a short dress she wore five years ago. Again, things are different here, so I would concentrate on physical appearance as well.

During my life I’ve seen a lot of men who do not know how to please women, and women who do not know how to please men. What I usually say is that if two of you do not have open conversation about what you like and do not like in bed, the chance is you do not really know how to please your partner. Which might be the case why your partner masturbates. Of course this conversation should not happen during sex. Most people at this time are afraid to say anything they think would hurt another person. So unless it really hurts they tend to say everything is ok even if it could be done better. The best time in my experience is to talk before or right after sex.

And regarding advice. It is impossible to give a one-size-fit-all advice. Most people already know the basics like you need to talk about it, and to understand the cause to fix it, so they need more detailed and situation-specific advice. However every person situation is different, so should be the advice. What I’m trying to do, besides generic advices, is to suggest what NOT to do, so it won’t get worse until they get real help. Trying to fix a problem in relationship by reading Internet sites usually is no better than trying to cure a sore throat the same way – it’s much safer to just see a doctor.

By the way, did you read #54? I mean, completely?

To the people saying watch porn with him and be part of the fanasty- YOU’RE COMPLETE IDIOTS!

I’m white and in my mid-20’s. My husband’s fetish is young asian teens.

Plus, he gained 50 lbs. He is a recovering alcoholic. We are separating because this is too much for me.

oops I misspelled “fantasy” lol That’s what happens when I type faster than I think.

I agree with anonymous. It’s the whole…if you do this then he won’t go and have an affair. What a load of bull. I understand a bit of a release but why should we be rewarding men for not going to find a prostitute or having an affair with someone. If that’s what they want they shouldnt be getting married in the first place!

Thank you, Amber. You’re totally right. Why get married if he is fulfilling his sex fantasies without me? It is unrealistic for him to reject me and then expect me to just abstain from sex. He even objects to my own “alone time” (I don’t use toys or videos or anything). Wtf??? Not to mention that he lies about everything.

So he pretty much wants me to not have any sexual urges, while he is having a field day with asian teen porn. I lost my virginity to him and he is my one and only sexual partner. I feel SOOO cheated out of a proper sex life.

If I had known the bombshells of porn addiction and alcoholism, I would’ve stayed single.

To all the people who say that these wives are nags or just have low self esteem and should let their husbands look at whatever they want, that they should join in and watch porn with them, or should just try to please their man more often: you obviously have never been married to a porn addict.

It is a disgusting disease. I never had a problem with pornography until i married my husband. but when you beg and beg them to make love to you and they simply are never in the mood, but can sit in front of a computer for 3 hours to look at other people having sex- there is undoubtedly a problem- it is not simply a matter of a woman being too oversensetive. my husand has gotten a lot better and i know he loves me and hates hurting me, but how can i just brush it off as “the way it is” or “something all guys will do!” when i have no love life because his is wrapped up on the computer monitor? it hurts

well, i decided to post my story since i can’t really talk about my problem with anybody but my husband, who is the one i have a problem with.

i knew my husband watched porn before we got married and lived together, but i really had no idea how much. then i found out. we never really had a lot of sex but we also had a long distance relationship for the most part before we got married. when i realized how bad it was two weeks before our wedding, i told him that this was not the kind of marriage i was going to have. he broke down and promised to clean off his computer. He did, too. he had me sit there and watch him delete some 700 hours of pornography! he said that if i found something else i would know it was new. he even deleted all of his porn star myspace friends. two weeks after we married i was looking at his new myspace friend category to see if he had added a friend of mine, when i saw a new porn star on there. i had a horrible feeling in my gut and did something i never thought i would. i went into his account and found something that has haunted me ever since. he sent a message to this porn star who turned out to be someone he met when she was a stipper in reno where he’s from. he said “do you do random dates? maybe if you’re in the area sometime i could pay you for some company!” now, we live nowhere near where this girl would ever come, and i know in my heart he would never cheat on me with a living breathing person but asking anyone, even angelina jolie to have sex with you in exchange for money or even for free while you’re married is absolutely not aceptable. i told him what i read, he was of course embarrased and incredibly remorseful and promised he was going to change and stop this porn addiction. it was then that i learned how powerful and real porn addiction is. he has made great strides but still looks. but i know the porn has desensetized him a great deal, as he never initiates sex and it’s only about 1 in 7 times that i initiate it that we actually have sex. i just had a baby 7 weeks ago and while i was pregnant my libido was so great but pregnancy sex freaked him out so i was incredibly unsatisfied the whole time. i would look on the computer to see what he looked at, not to get mad at him for it but i thought if i could get off to the same things that he looked at that in some way we could share a sex life. he doesn’t want to watch porn with me, because he doesn’t want our marriage to be corrupt, but he’s corrupting it all on his own while i’m left unsatisfied. we have very good communication and talk about it often enough as it’s the only real problem in our marriage. he is the love of my life and if i didn’t really believe that we could get past this addiction i wouldn’t still be here. i have no faith in men generally but i truly trust my husband. we have been going to church which seems to make our marriage stronger and he is going to see a counselor that they have there about is problem. he listens to christian radio and tells me that they’re always talking about how porn addiction in america is an epidemic and how it’s tearing couples apart all the time, i know we both worry about this. i am repeatedly hurt by him and if i go a while without telling him i start feeling resentment. but the moment i open up to him it feels like it’s not just his problem or my problem- but OUR problem that we can work on together. things do feel better lately but it’s just now that i am reaching out to the internet and finding out how many other people have this problem. it’s comforting to know that i am not just some freak wife whose husband doesn’t want her.

Anonymous,

Your comments have been the best I’ve read thus far! Indeed, you hit the nail on the head when you said,

“It is unrealistic for him to reject me and then expect me to just abstain from sex.”

This is the end result for any woman who knowingly tolerates porn use.. forced celibacy. While at the same time the husband continues to enjoy a very active sex life… in his mind!

We didn’t sign up for this when we said our vows. I for one looked forward to an active sex life when I got married almost 21 years ago, and I too felt cheated of one of life’s most enjoyable pleasures.

Sadly, married men who choose porn and fantasy to their wives have no idea what they are in for if they keep it up. Many wives will patiently tolerate the husband’s lack of sexual interest as a result of their obsession with porn.. I did for 15 years.. but eventually, we get tired of begging.

Nobody was more surprised than I was to discover that here were other men out there who actually knew how to treat a woman right. I had no idea how much I had been missing being married to this loser. I wasn’t looking for a new relationship. Fact is, I was still pathetically trying to get the love and attention I needed from a man who simply had no idea how to love and cherish a woman. It’s the same old story.

Six year later, I am still happily involved with the man of my dreams. By the way, this man does not use porn… ever. He doesn’t have to, because he is too busy making love to me!

I have yet to cut my husband loose, and some people might judge me for this because I am unapologetically using him for nothing more than his big, fat paycheck. By making a cuckold out of him, I am showing him the same disrespect he has shown me for the past 20 years.

Oh, and Ben, I know that most Christians would consider this adultery, but I am not cheating on anybody. My husband knows that I am carrying on a committed, monogamous relationship with another man and he could care less. In fact, they quite like eachother. I will not divorce my husband because I am not giving up what is rightfully mine, namely, his paycheck.

So here’s what I have to say to all the married men out there who are selfishly using porn and cheating their wives out of an enjoyable, fulfilling sex life: How long do you think your wife is going to put up with your lack of attention? Because it’s only a matter of time before your wife meets someone who makes her feel beautiful and appreciated, and you will be the last man on earth she will be interested in. This is what you have to look forward to if you don’t stop what you are doing RIGHT NOW and start paying attention to your woman. Believe me, there are still plenty of fine men around who would like nothing more than to show your wives what it’s like to be with a real man who knows how to make a woman feel loved and appreciated. Don’t believe it will happen to you? Then just wait and see.

“Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned”

Sean – you make some interesting comments but I would like to clarify a few things, first. One, there is a fine line between a natural desire to feel good and fulfill physical needs and addiction to porn that is demeaning and just plain nasty. I think that the two questions that determine the difference between the two is one, what kind of porn is being viewed, and two, how often. SPEAKING GENERALLY, porn often degrades women and females in a way that I believe promotes stereotypes and subconscious negativity in the mind of males. Unfortunately, there is most likely a very limited selection of pornography that is solely intended for couples, that doesn’t come across as a documentary and is arousing for both males and females. The porn industry should really get to work on that. I think that porn could certainly be another tool used between a couple to enhance their sex life. However, this is where the situation seems to get a little sticky. And this is where I do agree with the latter parts of your post, kids can be the be all or end all of your sex life, depending on the choices you make as a couple and your motivation to keep it going. Also, communication is a large part of establishing confidence and self assuredness within relationships.

Micheal – John is absolutely right. You responded to an ultimatum with an ultimatum. Good work there.

John P.- What bothered me the most about your latter posts were that they were written in an entirely different way than the earlier ones. You are right about individual perspectives and in our own ways we are all ignorant. I did not like the way you insinuated more than once that women in this country just didn’t know how to please a man, wear the correct lingerie, or stay attractive enough for their husbands. Insinuating that it was the fault of these women here for their partner’s virtual cheating.

It disturbs me when people’s feelings are belittled based on which culture they originate from. I feel that although you make a valid point about it being the biggest influence on our behavior, those that live in one culture their entire lives, have no other choice. They don’t realize they don’t have a choice, because they don’t know differently, as huge as that difference may be. So it’s a negated point, pretty much.

My experience living abroad is extremely limited, (I have none ha), I consider myself somewhat aware of various cultures because it is something that provokes great curiousity from me. I lived for a few years with a Russian girl who was my age, and was very close with her family. I also worked closely with a family of Romanians and worked again with a Greek family for a long period of time. I have yet to meet a Romanian male or female that feel that cheating is okay as long as it’s “only sex.” Aside from the religious rites and practices and their daily conventions being different from American culture, the feelings about infidelity remain the same. The cultures that I have been exposed to here in America (though do NOT consider themselves American) that believe in monogamous marriage, never think infidelity is okay. Though their definition of infidelity may vary.

Yes, I did read 54, all the way through. I didn’t start to think you sounded ignorant until further postings when you just seemed to want to bash American women.

Suzanna – I feel deeply and truly sorry for you because you must be a very, very, very sad woman on the inside. It is unfortunate that your sadness has led you to become a glorified hooker. It’s unfortunate because women like you give women like me a bad rep. I could not find happiness in a marriage purely for monetary reason. If you are unhappy, you should seek what it is that will make you happy because as much as you say you enjoy your situation, it must be very difficult finding pleasure in staying in a marriage purely for the paycheck. I find your behavior dispicable and it makes me feel better about myself, knowing that I have morals high enough to keep me above the muck your slopping around in.

Sag, you’re absolutely right about one thing… I used to be very, very sad on the inside- back when I was in love with a man who loved porn more than he loved me. It took me a long time to realize I deserved better than what I was getting out of the marriage. It was only out of desperation that I decided to pursue a new relationship. Before I decided to look elsewhere for love, my husband was the love of my life. Unfortunately his selfish obsession with porn destroyed the love we once had. Of course I knew when I chose to stay married to a man I no longer loved just for his money, there would be many who would stand in judgement of me, but glorified hooker?? Wow. Didn’t see that one coming. Thanks for the brutally honest assessment of my character. So I suppose it would have been better for me to sit around and feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life because I was married to a porn addict who hardly noticed my existence? Truth be told, I spent 15 years of my life tending to his needs and taking care of our kids, while at the same time putting my own needs aside. I do not regret my decision to be a full-time wife and mother- but I do regret putting myself in the position of being completely dependent upon a man- or should I say this man- for my financial security.

I know some people might not agree with my choices, and that’s okay. I wish I could move on with my life, but right now, it’s not like I have any other choice but to stay in the marriage for financial support. The man I am currently involved with simply does not have the income to support a family of four.

Sag, I’m so happy that reading my comments made you feel so much better about yourself

I’m thinking for Suzanna to be a ‘glorified hooker’ she would surely have to actually be sleeping with her no good porn addict of a husband. Am I wrong…isnt prostitution about receiving money for something…i.e. sex?

Suzanna was very honest about her situation and said that everyone may not agree with it. I know too many women who have spent years (i.e. 30) bringing up children who have cheating husbands they cant leave because the husbands refuse to pay them a cent because apparently they haven’t actually worked (apparently bringing up 3 children isnt work)!

Good on your Suzanna – after all it’s not like your husband doesn’t know about the situation. He is choosing to accept it.

Its true what joe said you woman are a bunch of selfish wives that are insecure about yourselves. Do you really think you husband loves those fake girls in a porn video? Do you think those girls are “Wife Material”? Come on! Look I’ve Been married 5 years now at first I used to hate my husband watching porn I used to think those girls were better than me it used to make me feel insecure. We even split up a couple weeks because of that we sat down before we filed for devorce we talked out everything he told me he loved me more than anything in this world and that he really didn’t want to split up. I still loved him so we both talked it out blah blah i learned that men have there fetishes and we have are’s. I think now our whole fight was just plain stupid. We watch it togther and to tell you the truth I really enjoy it now! Now he dosnt go behind my back to watch it and i feel safe trust me if you think he really really stoped watching it he didnt he is still going behind your back I say its better if he watches it with me, So ask your self this question Do you want to drive your man to a Porn Viewing both or even worse him cheating? Any one got something else to say?

Jennifer- you are blatantly ignorant.

My husband doesn’t want to watch it together. He doesn’t want me to have ‘alone time’ either.

These are my choices:
1. Forced celibacy
2. Doing ALL the work during sex and always initiating

The bottom line is that he gained 50 lbs and he views real sex as exercise. He is too lazy to do it. He wouldn’t have an affair, not just because he loves me, but because he is TOO LAZY FOR REAL SEX. TOO LAZY FOR INTIMACY. TOO LAZY TO MOVE HIS PELVIS.

Does that clear things up for you?

In addition to that, his porn viewing is only 2-3 times a month. He’s too lazy to do it more than that. I’m not even sure if it’s an addiction as much as it is laziness.

jennifer, why are you so angry at us “selfish wives”? Why does it make you so angry that we are unhappy that our husband don’t have sex with us? You seem to be very aggressive about the subject. If you and your husband are truly happy and porn isn’t a problem with your marriage then why are you even on here?

I have to agree with 162 and 163 – very aggressive Jennifer.
In addition to that I am not sure where the ’selfish’ comes into all of this.

Thank you so much Amber, and God bless you. You are truly an angel.

Jennifer, where do you get off calling those of us who are unwilling to tolerate porn “selfish and insecure”? You have some nerve pointing the finger at those of us who expect our man to treat us with respect and honor. The fact that you claim to enjoy porn says everything about your own character, and proves how far you’ve been willing to stoop to please your man. You can have your porn, but I will always have my self-respect.

Any dirtbag who uses porn to enhance (or replace) real intimacy with their chosen love-partner is not only selfish and insecure, but a complete imbecile. Porn is one of the stupidest things ever created by man. It is purely lowbrow garbage entertainment produced by imbeciles for imbeciles. You can tell a lot about someone by the type of entertainment they prefer, and porn is no exception. I feel really sorry for all you people who think porn is such great entertainment. I’ve seen this garbage, and I always wonder why anyone would choose to look at such mindless filth when it has no redeeming value whatsoever. I used to think people looked at it simply to satisfy a curiousity, the way I used to look through National Geographic magazine when I was a kid just to see the naked Ethiopians. But what I will never understand is why anyone would keep looking at porn once they’ve seen it, to the point of becoming “addicted” to it.

Not only is porn boring, it’s the same thing over and over again, only with different faces. It’s fake, and incredibly meaningless. In fact, it’s downright depressing when you think about it. It reduces something special God created to be shared only between two people who love eachother to nothing more than the animalistic act of “getting off”. In the end, the pathetic consumer of porn is so consumed by lust that the only thing that matters to them anymore is satisfying that lust any way they can, even if it means humping the family dog (or worse, a child!!) Everything else becomes secondary- including their wife and kids.

I think most porn-addict husbands lie and placate their wives so that they can continue their compulsive porn habit. These guys have no intention of giving up porn, and they are oblivious to the misery they are inflicting on their wives and families. My husband was certanly no different. A typical porn addict, I tried everything I could think of to get his attention, to no avail. Even when I began seeing another man, he could care less. It just gave him more free time to indulge his porn habit without having to hide it from me. Even internet filters didn’t stop him. He simply ordered pay-per-view porn on TV.

I finally got tired of putting up with the games, and his constantly playing the victim in order to justify his habit. I was tired of being blamed for his shorcomings and character flaws. A classic porn addiction game is the desperate tactic of ‘blame the wife’. It’s a cruel game that husbands play to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior. My husband emotionally tortured me for almost 20 years. No woman should have to go through the heartache and misery I went through. After I discovered the extent of my husband’s secret activities, I felt distant and detached right away. It was like a cold, numb shock, like you would feel after a death. I just didn’t want anything to do with this man I thought I knew and trusted. Not only did he have no respect for me, he had no respect for himself. His selfishness drove me to a place where I didn’t care what he did anymore. He’s on his own now, and I am finally free from this neglectful and demoralising situation.

Clinically, porn “addiction” is only a symptom of something deeper and more serious. Men who use porn for sexual relief, especially those who prefer it to their own wives, are suffering from a deep seated fear of intimacy that has its roots in childhood. It is a form of sexual dysfunction which usually starts just as a relationship begins to get serious. A fear of intimacy is usually caused by an “attachment disorder”

Men who have this disorder (which is probably half of all the men in the U.S., judging by recent statistics) do not realize what is going on. They just find themselves beginning to feel uneasy whenever they get too close to a woman. After being married for a while, a man who has this disorder will begin withdrawing from his wife to seek sexual relief through masturbating to porn alone or visiting prostitutes, or having one night stands.

So if you are with a man like this, you might as well give up on him, because he’s probably never going to change. Ben, you are the exception to the rule.

Men are pigs, and the only thing they respond to is if we throw it back at them. Get a bunch of “toys” (even if you don’t use them). Let him discover them but play secretive about them. Then act like it’s your private secret addiction and turn it around onto him. Let him be the one who feels inadequate and left out and see how long he puts up with it. But I’d bet most women wouldn’t do that because we’re not crappy scumbags like most men. What a backwards friggin world we live in, huh?

Suzanna: Let me ask you, how much do you know about addiction? How much counseling have you and your husband been through? Since you both have decided that the relationship isn’t worth salvaging, tell me, have you gone back to school? Have you started a business? Gotten a certification, raise, or promotion? What have you DONE to better YOURself so that you can show your kids how not to be stuck in the same situation? How much of your unhappiness have your children been witness to, not to forget your affair as well? What kind of values and morals regarding relationships do you think you’re bestowing upon your children? Your situation has left you extremely bitter and resentful and to be honest, I fear for your children’s emotional well being as they enter their adult lives. You are one of many perpetuators of a vicious cycle. And I am not saying that the blame lays solely with you, but you are the one who has chosen to stay. Your husband has clearly made his choice.

And God bless Amber? She’s an angel? Cause she posted a couple of comments that agreed with you? Gimme a stinkin break! First off, God has nothing to do with your infedlity and your lack of ability to leave the teat your sucking on called your husband’s wallet. God has nothing to do with the fact that you are most likely setting your children up for failure as well in their own marriages in the future. God has NOTHING to do with the fact that you are married to a man for his paycheck while breakin a piece of it off for someone else! Women like you and Amber infuriate me because you want to whine, whine, whine about your situation but you don’t DO anything about it. But God bless you all! God has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!!!Granted, your husband doesn’t sound like he’s very commited to making your relationship work, but don’t sit on your ass and stay in it because wah, wah, wah, you can’t support a family and wah, wah, wah neither can your boyfriend. My mother had five children by the time she was 25, no job, no education, not even a high school diploma. She left my father and divorced him, persued her GED and went to work for the public schools. I wish my mom had cashed in on more opportunities because she’s a very intelligent hard working woman, but unfortunately, she did not. But she didn’t stay in a loveless marriage to an addict, either. Can, or will, your children be able to say that about you in the future? What kind of legacy are you leaving them? Are you a mother to be proud of? Because trust me, when they get older, the fact that you sacrificed your life and stayed home to raise them isn’t going to carry one iota of meaning to them.

I highly suggest you start researching addiction and what it truly means to be addicted. It affects MILLIONS of American’s and I will say it is one of the most difficult diseases to overcome. It is inherent, genetic, and learned and there is no cure. All of the things you have said about your husband are not specific to porn, they are specific to ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOR. He could be on heroin, crack, or an alcoholic and the behavior would be the same. It is a selfish disease and does not recognize love or caring. It does not recognize intent and until they are ready to try to quit, they do not recognize fault. It does not mean he doesn’t CARE, Suzanna, it means he CANT STOP. If you have four children, statistics say that one of them will become an addict. And every family member plays a key role in sustaining and maintaining the addiction of the addict. It’s called codependency and there are five different roles that family members play. You should find out which one YOU are. The more you learn about it, the better off you will be if your children start to develop the same symptoms of the disease. Arm yourself with the knowledge because it’s the only way you, and them, can get better.

http://www.hopelinks.net/addiction/family/roles.html
This web site lists the various roles family members play in addiction. I would also look into finding a NARANON group nearest you. (Or google for a sex-anon near you, they are harder to find, though) They are free meetings for family members that deal with addiction in their family. It helps understanding a little more about the hurt you’ve felt and you will be relieved to hear that other people are going through it, too. I’ve been through what you’re going through and your marriage may be beyond repair, but you still need to heal yourself. Learning about addiction will help you in getting some closure, mostly if he’s not willing to get help or thinks he doesn’t have a problem.

Jennifer: Your post is very childish and rude. That in addition to the fact that you’ve been married five years tells me that you’re probably pretty young and don’t even have a clue yet. Just because some women refuse to participate in “Porn Viewing” like you are does not make them selfish or insecure. In fact, SHOULD a wife participate in watching porn with her husband, THAT would make them insecure and selfish. Not trusting your husband to do the right thing, (i.e. putting the porn away when their wife admits it makes them uncomfortable or they don’t agree with it), assuming he will cheat if the wife does not indulge in his dirty secret with him, and basically doing something you don’t agree with in the first place, are all strong indications that you’re not very secure in yourself and you sure aren’t secure in your marriage. It would make them selfish because they would not want to subject themselves to the feelings they felt before when it was being kept from them. So they make it okay by watching it with them, even though it’s not what they really want to do.

Hurtgirl: Men are not pigs. They do not think along the same lines as women do which causes conflict in relationships. It does not make them pigs. It makes them DIFFERENT.

go check out “fireproof” in theaters now. it’s a movie about building a strong marriage. the husband in it has a porn addiction!

I don’t know how anybody could fault me for staying married to a man who made a vow 20 years ago to love and support me for the rest of his life. I wasn’t the one who broke the vow to be faithful, he was. I’m just trying to make the best of a lousy situation.

Sag, I’m really sorry about your mom. That must have been very difficult for her, and for you. As a mom, I could only imagine how difficult a choice that must have been for her to make. I guess I’m just not that courageous. I put my kids first above all else, even above my own needs for freedom and fulfillment. Before this devastating discovery, my family was everything to me. I hope someday my kids thank me for holding it all together and keeping their home intact. I suppose some people would fault me for not “bettering myself” and being more independent, but I’m not sorry that I devoted myself to the care and nurture of two of the most important people in my life- my kids. Maybe to some people my choice to stay home and be a mother to my children has little redeeming value, but I know it’s the most important job in the world. Why should I go back to school or get a job when I am already well educated and my husband makes enough money to support all of us comfortably for the rest of our lives? And where would I find the time, between homeschooling my two kids and managing a busy household? Is this not a worthwhile endeavor?

Once upon a time I had a good job, and I made loads of money, but I gave it all up to stay home and be a housewife and mother to my two kids. I chose to make this sacrifice, and just because my husband didn’t hold up his end of the bargain, I have no intention of doing the same. In fact, I have every intention of holding him to his obligations to me and the kids. If he doesn’t like the arrangement, he can always leave. I still get the house, the kids, and half of his paycheck. That’s the law here in North Carolina. As for my “boyfriend”, he is retired and lives on a fixed income so he couldn’t support me and my kids even if he wanted to. Good thing he doesn’t have to.

As for this issue of porn addiction.. I think it’s a load of crap. It’s sin, pure and simple. Men who are obsessed with pornography are motivated by their uncontrolled lust and a selfish lack of self-control. Calling it an addiction is nothing more tha an excuse that men use to justify their behavior, rather than calling it what it really is, complete moral and spiritual depravity. No amount of counseling can change a man’s character. Only God can do that.

Here’s the bottom line- if a man wants to use porn, he has every right to do so, but he should not expect his wife to accept it nor tolerate it. If he decides to use porn knowing full well that it is sinful and destructive to his marriage, he should be man enough to accept the consquences.

im not being aggresive with anyone. Its just sad how all you woman treat your husbands like children your not there mothers. All of you what you are is a bunch of selfish controlling freaks with no self confidence get a life and move on.I feel bad for the husbands that are married to you. Stop mixing religion with sex. There is nothing more beautiful than having your husband coming to you and telling you the truth about everything. Your husbands go behind your backs and watch porn because if they tell you .youll treat them like 2 year olds.come on. what century are we living in all men are going to be the same no matter what religion.lol. Good luck to all your realtionships

The reason men lie and sneak around behind our backs to look at porn is because they knows it’s wrong. It all boils down to respect for one’s spouse. If you have to sneak and lie about it, you shouldn’t be doing it… period.

Dear All,
This discussion has become really big and rich and I saw many of you arguing on own view points. I would like to share my own experiance.I have started masturbation at the age of 11. Now I am 30 and still do it. After my marriage 4 years ago, immediately my wife came to know about my bad habits and the immediate reaction was breakdown. She became so negative and sick. I love her a lot.. so I promised her to stop this habit. I tried so hard but I could not control sometimes but I keep it hidden to my wife. Earlier I was masturbating more than 10 times in a week and now it is less than 5 times in a month but I could not stop it completely. I am now taking every care to hide the truth from my wife as I am not masturbating at home but do it at my office toilet. I do not watch porn at my laptop but used to watch in my mobile gprs and deleting the history. My wife believes that I have stopped all this.. I am so sorry to her. I really want to stop this frustrating habit.. and I want to love my wife more and more.

Dear female friends, your husbands with this habits also may be very good by hear and they are loving you but unable to stop this deadly habit as we desire. Help them by understanding and loving…

In the last two years I have learned that my husband views porn. He views for short periods. At first it really upset me. However, I have learned to stay open minded and expressed that we explore it together. He agreed. On a few occasions we viewed clips together – that was only on my request. I now learn that he agrees just to get me of his case. Recently whilst making love, I pleaded for him to show/involve me….so we viewed it together. I felt excepted and didn’t mind. I enjoyed it because he was not hiding anything… no secrets. I’d like to think I am a confident person. But my husband having secrets makes me feel insecure. I think I will give him an excuse to walk away from me. So I hate myself and begin to blame myself for everything! So really I am not that strong. Why do we love someone so much? Why do we give everything to one person? I have two lovely children. I have an amazing family. Inside I feel bitter twisted, trying to hide my feelings. But at times I lash out. My husband never wants to talk about it. I’m left to ask and answer all my questions. What happens to trust???

We all sin and were not all perfect. We all keep secrets at some points in our lives, Men keep porn secrets because there afraid of there wifes reactions and i think every guy in general is the same even if they say there not doing it anymore. My best advice is try to understand them and try to be alittle open minded. help them, dont just go and devorce them. Because I think that even woman sometimes are B****es. We all like to look at some point of our lives to. When we see on T.V a hott guy we look it dosn’t mean we dont love our husbands, Our eyes were created to look and not to hide. If you don’t look then put a paperbag over your head.lol. Please understand your husbands don’t just think there sick perverts because there not and if you think your husband is a sick discusting pervert them divorce them and turn lesbian. Because bottom line guys will be guys no matter what century were in. And woman will be woman. Even woman enjoy porn. And for comment (173): Confused: Don’t give him a excuse to walk away from you. Guys never want to talk about anything lol. And dont blame yourself either. Even we keep secrets we dont always tell our husbands everthing. Life is not perfect and it will never be.

In these discussions we always see a lot of…

1) Women who want to have sex, workout to stay in shape, but are sexually frustrated because their husbands would rather do porn.

2) Men who do porn because their wifes rarely or never want to have sex anymore.

Why do we rarely hear from the men with hot horny wifes who would rather do porn than real sex, or the women who have no libido and don’t feel their husbands should have one either?

I’m the one that wants sex, but my husband gained 50 lbs and getting off to porn 3-4x a month was physically easier/less work.

It just never occurred to me that it is more difficult for a fat person to engage in sex because of their size and because they get winded easily.

I started increasing my ‘alone time’ and browsing ‘toys.’ He was really upset (hypocrite lol). But he has started to make more of an effort and initiating. So things are improving. We’ll see.

To whoever said ‘how are you improving you?’ – I graduated from a top school and I’m more accomplished than all the men that have posted thus far. And Jennifer too, of course, haha.

you woman are bunch of freaks. your husbands watch porn because of beautiful woman like me.Get a life!!!PORN RULES AND MEN WORSHIP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE PORN AND I LOVE MEN TO WATCH MY PORN. ANY TAKERS?

i doubt you’re really a porn star, you’re probably just someone trying to stir up some trouble on the internet because you don’t really have a life to speak of.

i doubt you’re a pornstar, you’re probably someone who enjoys porn and is trying to stir up trouble up on the internet because you don’t have a life to speak of outside of porn.

for your information i am a porn star I may not work for playboy but i do work for the porn industry. JEALOUS? I bet your husband has seen me millions of times. and I bet he enojoys masturbationg to me,I dont have to stir up anything, I really dont give a sh** if you dont belive me I have nothing to prove to. Now I see why you call yourself “Neglectedwife” It should be more like “MrsBoringatsexwife” LOL. THATS WHY HE ENJOYS WATCHING ME BETTER. Much Love,HAHA.

Oh…. And (Jennifer)I agree with you with everything you said is the truth let the guy have some fun….. And alittle advice to the insecure wifes, Buy some striper cloth buy a couple of striper heels buy a couple of porn videos, Wear the cloth and surprise him with the porn movies and I GUARANTEE he will be soooooo happy he will never go behind your back….. (BE HIS DIRTY LITTLE SLUT) guys love that, your men didn’t marry NUNS they married a woman so role play have fun with it and you’ll see that all of you will come back and agree.Another word of advice stop going so much by a bible, Religion has nothing to do with sex. BY THE WAY (Niglectedwife)Iam in the cover of (XFACTOR) Video SUNXF 4-09 Volume 9 look for it. And LOL give it to your husband! And (annoymous) if your husband gained 50 pounds is because his a lazy fatass!!! Because there something call “DIETS” and “GYMS” tell him to learn how to use them!!!

if you were really a porn star you wouldn’t be going to a porn and marriage blog to try and make married women feel bad about themselves. whomever you are, you are not very smart.

First of (neglectedwife) I go to which ever website I want because thats why I pay Internet. Second of all I came here to give Advice to pathetic woman like you advice, So you don’t end up losing your husbands. So you should be THANKFULL! ITS FUNNY how you woman kill yourselfs over something so meaningless. LOL porn will always be around no matter what you woman think and husands will watch them no matter what you think. LOL your husbands pay me to watch me and I LOVE IT! MOVE ON WITH YOU LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUGS N KISSES
LOVE: Dymond

Lets not go now to the extremes. What a dumb fight. Why does everyone have 2 be so darn cruel? No one has no respect anymore.And then they call me childish,w/e. I say move on with your lives and stop arguing and calling each other names. Last thing i gotta say on this page stop acting like kids and stop prohibiting your husbands from dumb stuff. One last question, has any woman masturbated behind there husbands back? Because if you said no then go Join the Nun League.

First of all to the stupid comment (anonymous 176: I can assure you I graduated at a prestige school also and I paid for my education And I can assure you I made something out of my life, I also have a degree. Your the pathetic one on this webpage complaining about your life and how your husband gained 50 pounds because he didn’t want to have sex with you ok.Its sad you talk about your husband not having sex with you but you turn around and start talking sh** about him, Iam perfectly happy Financially, And Emotionally and I don’t go to a stupid website complaining about my life and making people feel sorry for me. So go to a psychiatrist and get help. Thats what I hate about people, you try to help them and they turn around and start talking cr*p and showing off. Got something else to say (Annoymous)any more smart remarks? And to ALL the woman coming to this webpage talking all that shi*, Why don’t you go to your husbands and talk to them and if that didn’t work FILE FOR DIVORCE. plain and simple, Stop making the world feel bad for you, And now hate me all you want for talking the truth. And (anoymous) no one cares what school you went to or what you graduated in so quit rubbing it in peoples face because it just makes YOU look Ignorant.!

Let’s not dignify any of Jennifer’s ignorant, hateful remarks with a response. She is only here to start a flame war. Jennifer, get a life!

I was wondering, since many of us post on this blog regularly, would anyone else be interested in starting an online support group for wives of porn addicts?

Dear Hotporngirl..You are really spicy.. and interesting.. but here we husbands are wifes are trying to find a soulution to our life. I agree with you that men admire pornstars.. because they are sexier than wives and there is a choice according to our dream figures..Okay..I came in this discussion to better know similar people and try to extract a solution because I want to quit watching porn and masturbating by heart. I agree to your advise to wives- to become more sexy.. but they cannot be like porn stars, otherwise there will not be any difference between pornstars and wives.. Wife is wife and one and only for their husbands. Here women have many probles- why they cannot be sexy.. For example, my wife is very very sexy when she want sex.. but not always when I want.. It is because of her clinical conditions.. a state due to prolonged hormaonal treatments. She may or may not return to her original sexy wife form but I may have to wait .. wait .. and wait. Here I am impatient.. so I watch porn and do masturbation.. I realize this is not good for any reason. I feel hurt and lost once the momentory enjoyment is over. I am unable to concentrate on my work and I feel guilty at home. I want to live a better life. I am confident, I can quit this habit.. but sometimes.. I do mistakes. I am sorry for that.

Hey.. this conversation has become really big to read.. anyone wish to continue more closer personal discussion may mail to me at dangerous.cobra@yahoo.com.

Bye.. Bye..

I was thinking more along the lines of a moderated forum, like a yahoo group. The problem with open forum message boards and blogs(such as this one)is that often times people will post unkind remarks directed towards the other posters (flaming)

Nobody needs some ignorant fool putting them down for being honest and expressing what’s on their mind and heart. It’s unfortunate that there are so many nasty people in this world. To those who enjoy tearing other people down just to make yourselves feel better, one day you will reap what you sow.

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.

For the one who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit shall from the Spirit reap eternal life.

And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all men, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.” Galatians 6:7-10

Man1978,

Read Ben’s comment (144) then go to his website:

website edited / security flagged

Read Ben’s personal testimony and how he overcame his addiction to porn and masturbation. With God’s help, you can overcome your problem with lust.

Take care & God bless you,
Suzanna

I am very much loved by my husband, but just found out that he has been watching porn, but likes older women in porn. I have been a a bit dumb struck by it and dont really know how to take it, it hurts but I am also unable to say anything.
Help!!!!!!

LOL, yes SUZANNA lol there hateful remarks but there the honest truth. And no guy over comes the addiction with porn, they will eventually go right back to it. and (lovedwife) its okay to be strucked by it, I was once to, Just talk to him about your feelings towards porn, Dont feel hurt, He loves you porn means nothing to men, Unlike the other woman in this website they feel threaned about a video, Just because he watches porn it dosn’t mean he dosnt love you.Its just a fetish, Just like the one we woman have too. NO ONE HERE IS A SAINT (SUZANNA)!. so (lovedwife) dont pay any attention to suzannas comments because she will convert you into a nun, LOL. Suzanna move on!!! And (lovedwife) goodluck.

Susanna: I have only three comments for you:

1. I do not really understand why you are offended being compared to a hooker. You personally admitted you are in a true relationship with someone else and only live with your so-called husband because he gives you money from his paycheck. In my understanding this is exactly what hookers do. It doesn’t matter if you feel you have the right for this money, or not – everyone usually has an explanation why they were just “forced by circumstances” to do it. So far you didn’t say anything to make you different; could you explain?

2. You are correct about the moderated forum/groups, however you might miss the point. This forum in fact IS moderated, as your posts do not show instantly. However it seems to be moderated for spam and immature posts, and not for content. This is in my opinion the best moderation option available. You need to understand that the opinion of other people is always valuable if they present it in reasonable way, i.e. without name-calling and immature language.

3. I told you before – please understand that not everyone admires Jesus as their God, and not everyone even believes in God. It is personal thing, so there is no sense to act like everyone should do it. If you want to have a Christian-style conversation about this issue, it might make sense to use a Christian-related forum/blog for your thoughts. If you do not, then please do not complain about “unkind remarks directed towards the other posters”.

Sorry if I offended you.

Sag: after reviewing my own latter posts I could admit they’re sharper and more critiquing comparing to earlier posts. There are several reasons for this which do not make sense to explain in a public discussion. Most likely you could guess them yourself.

Since I consider you intelligent person (which of course does not mean we should agree on everything), I’ll explain my position on the issues you mentioned. First, I do not understand why you didn’t like it when I said there is more than one woman in this country who has no idea how to pleasure her man. Using basic math, there are roughly 150 million women here, so even 0.01% would be fifteen thousand. Just analyzing the women-marketed magazines and guides, and their commercial success, I could make a valid guess – even without involving statistics from my own practice – that at least some women in this country just didn’t know how to please THEIR man (not “a man”, unfortunately).

Second one is even easier – I personally see women and men who cannot stay attractive enough for their spouse every day. You probably too, unless you live in Beverly Hills.

And the third one is wearing correct lingerie. Here I could chat freely since it’s not based on my professional experience. Let’s say me and my wife often go to local swinger clubs, and I see a lot of people in lingerie who have no idea what exactly this piece of lingerie is for, and what to wear it with. To have it short, let’s say that some ladies who follows my advice about lingerie selection attracted much more attention from their male companions. I hope it gives me credentials to have such claim at least about some ladies who would use some advice regarding choosing the lingerie which is sex appealing to their man.

Now to the overall style. You probably would not be surprised to hear that shrinks (and probably lawyers) generally keep pretty critical opinions. We have seen too much crap, and we know a lot about the darker nature than probably anyone else in this world. Here I’m expressing my personal opinion, which in some cases could be very harsh. I admit it; this is Internet, so like it or hate it, I do not really care.

Everyone’s MORAL feelings are based on the culture they originate from. For example, being a gay in Asia or Middle East is completely different from being a gay in U.S. or Western Europe. Our experience is not clear – we look on everything through our own moral glasses, which effectively hide some things, and enlarge other things. Please understand that when you’re growing up in a culture, you have NO CHOICE other to accept it. Only few people have character strong enough to stand up to the Another Break In The Wall’s “meat grinder”, but most people have to accept it. So if you feel for a poor Asian females who do not have a choice, please realize that you do not have a choice either. You have to act like you supposed to act in your culture to have your behavior accepted by society, or you need to have a character strong enough to ignore the society. Nobody who lives in society is entirely free. But regarding the “they do not know better” – which seems to be a very popular American myth – let’s just say a lot of foreign women marry American men. Much less American women marry foreign men. And according to Census the divorce rate for such marriages stays in 10-20% range – far lower comparing to even national first marriage rate. Hope this provides some proof.

A major mistake some people make is thinking that you could grasp foreign culture by having a foreign husband, or visiting a country as a tourist for a couple of weeks. It does not. You have to live there for a while – and I really mean that, live. Learn some level of language, make friends with locals, go to non-tourist places, date locals, basically get a life outside hotel. This is what I consider getting experience. You would be really surprised then how different is “acceptable behavior” in other cultures. For example, the population of Romania is roughly 20M, so even if you’ve met 100 Romanians, you only met 0.0005% of the country population (and some of them probably were grown up in US, which means they’re not keepers of Romanian culture, they’re keepers of American culture). This is why even having a foreign husband is definitely not enough to understand the whole culture. Regarding acceptable behavior – it depends. For example, if you tell your colleagues that you’re charged for speeding, it’s generally acceptable in US – you’ll definitely get sympathy, and probably even some advice. But if you are charged for cheating with taxes (which might cost you even less than some speeding tickets) – it is definitely different case. However in some European countries the situation is exactly the opposite – the government is basically wasting money, so cheating with taxes is considered normal there. That’s why we need to understand another culture before judging it, for example like telling that “they do not know differently”

Again, I think we somehow started drifting away from the main topic, so if you want to continue this discussion, let’s move it to emails.

lovedwife: Basically if his porn watching does not affect your family life (i.e. he spends enough time with you and your sex life is fine), there is nothing for you to worry about. Hobbies like video games or sports take even more time from family than watching porn.

#111

Islam also permits men to slaughter women and children on a whim. If someone else rapes
Your wife, you can then legally kill her. And it happens all the time.
That is not a loving relationship, and it’s condoned.

Just the other day I saw a show about how when a woman wants to leave her husband In an Islamic country many times he will throw acid on her face so nobody else will want her and it’s totally acceptable..

We should not be taking any advice from this evil belief system that also tells it’s followers to lie to and maim and kill anyone that doesn’t believe in islam. That’s just wrong.

Suzanna I really think that your problem is that you feel Jealous by hookers and porn. Im not here to make anyone feel bad about themselves Im not that type of person, so you are making dumb comments about me, I am like everyone else here, I have the right to mark my opinion also. Like John P said if you dont like my comments then don’t read them and go to a Christian blog ok. Because not everone has your believes,And like you said to me earlier for me to get a life, Hunny I have a life and a wonderful one to. Im just here to help people out too not start a war, so you get a life.

i also used to think porn was down right wrong, but as I got older i realized that porn wasnt all that bad, in da begining my hubby used to watch porn and i would cuss him out, i cursed and i even kicked him out then i started liking porn so we agreed to get back 2gether with da condition that we would watch it together and he agreed, and let me tell you our sex life is way better then be4.

I agree with others. I bet hotporngirl is anything but – yes what ARE you doing on this website? Bet you are just a big hairy blob who would look better with a brown bag over your head. And if you are some sort of desparate porn person – no I’m not jealous. My tits are real (and rather great I have to say), nothing is going to leak out of these babies just like your brain (or 2 brain cells) may leak out of your head at some point. And I dont have to walk around telling people how great I am…sign of insecurity me thinks..good luck!

Oh and Hotporngirl (aka 2 brain cells if even that), try and learn how to spell. Reading your arrogant posts is like watching paint dry. Maybe some of that hotporncash can put you through spelling lessons after you’ve finished with the second round of fake tits.

LOL,For (Jess)first i can asure you iam not big hairy blob thats what wish, second my tits are natural baby i have nothing leaking out of them. and third dont be mad because your husband is thinking of me while having sex with you, hunny my “hotporncash” like you said is whats paying my luxury car and home I dont spelling lessons and even if i did i bet you I’ll ask your husband you pay them 4 me lol. So be quiet you desparte housewife. HUGZ

Sex was meant to show spirtual intimacy between two truly deeply in love people who are ready to committ to be together and create a family and future together….

personally in my view…porn just destroys the very meaning and true nature of sex

and yes, people are all animals who have desires, but we are higher animals beings so better not be driven around like mad like back in those uncivilized days

Today again I have done that mistake.. I was well in control for the past one and half month..It is really disappointing!

I tried many ways to control my temptation.. but today the evil celebrated. I have masturbated twice today watching porn. How dirty!! Sorry to say this in front of you all.

In the beginning me and my husband were very opened to watching porn together, it really didn’t get to me until a few days a ago I noticed a sudden change in him. He would get more “excited” watching porn then being with me, Today I’m still crying about it. It hurts me because now I know that all those time he was excited wasn’t because of me but because of them. Porn does ruin your marriage and your sex life. At least it ruined mines. And now I don’t know what to do or even what to say to him. I feel depressed, sad, and Angry. We have a 2 year old and I don’t want to separate her from her father, His everything to her. And a Divorce would really devastate her. Not seeing her father around, I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

Disappointed, I thoroughly understand the heartbreak and sorrow you are going through. I have no advice other than what I have already posted. I can tell you that it does get easier to accept once the love you have for your husband fades because he has broken a sacred trust to be faithful to you alone.

One more thing.. don’t ever let anyone convince you that you are crazy to expect your husband to be faithful to you both MENTALLY and PHYSICALLY. You have a right to expect and DEMAND complete faithfulness from your husband. He made a vow to remain faithful to you alone and what he is doing is just another form of unfaithfulness. A married man who cannot control his lustful desires and be mentally as well as physically faithful to his wife has no business being married.

For your daughter’s sake, I hope your husband chooses his relationship with you over porn. Unfortunately mine chose the porn.

If you ever want to talk, you can e-mail me anytime.

Here is my e-mail address:
ohsuzanna1968@yahoo.com.

I will be praying for you.

Suzanna

I have a problem with my husband watching porn on everything. Laptops, playstaions 3, and his psp! I do not know what to think of it…

Why do men watch porn? That’s a question that I can never figure out. I’m 21 years old and I have a daughter, I still considered my self very attractive I can still notice guys checking me out in the street but then why does my husband watch porn I don’t believe he needs it, I mean the truth is I’m not bad looking, And my body is still in shape, so why? why? why? why? I asked him why and the answer he gave me was “ I just like looking at it” I mean I have the same things as those girls, I don’t turn him on no more a question I asked him also was “Why do you get more excited when you watch them and not when you watch me naked? He simply said “oh because I just like watching them having sex”.

It makes me sad in a way because now I figured out that this whole time we watched it together wasn’t because of me but because of them. I can’t compare myself with those woman because I’m not jealous of them or because I don’t have there body, because I know I still look good but why? Is it because I’m not good enough or because I don’t satisfy him. I don’t know what to think and if I ask him I know he won’t answer me truthfully he’ll say anything just to shut me up.

Last night, I tried asking him but he just kept looking away and repeating things over and over, it got to a point that I walked out of the house to cool down. Because it was just aggravating me more watching him just lying and not telling me why he enjoys them. I’m being truthful on this page because maybe some guy that is not my husband can answer my question or maybe a woman that knows why? I always get sexy for him and I always look my best but I just don’t understand.

I just think that he likes watching them better because his tired of seeing me naked and maybe he wants to see something new. I don’t know. SOMEONE correct me if I’m wrong. Why do you men enjoy watching these movies even if you have a wife that is willing to be intimate with you when ever you want. I really wonder if there’s a guy out there that can be loving, faithful, and truthful with them selves and there loving ones.

Dear “Still disappointed wife”,

I have something to say being a porn hunted husband. Yes.. I would rather like to introduce myself as porn hunted than porn loving!..

Let me come to your issues. Please try to answer yourself to few questions- (1)You are beautiful and attractive.. but are you really sexy to your husband? You must be wondering.. other men still watch you on the move.. they feel you are sexy.. because you are fresh and new figure to them. For your husband, you are not a new figure and you are not at all fresh to him. Here the sexy look can only bring by your attitude and not by simple looks. After few years of marriage, we all become ‘used to’and this thought will lead to boring sex. To come out of this distructive feeling, you should always give new looks to your sex approach. Men always like newest and fresh sex. Hunger for sex differes from one person to the other. Some people have low sex attitudes and some have hery high. Now in the later category, some people suppress their sex hunger and some explore. Se hunger is not a thing to suppress. Is one can control the feelings, that is well and good. But suppressing this need will make the temptation stronger.
Once started watching porn, it is very difficult to come back. Few people succeed to give up the habit and many people partially control and many others continues to enjoy porn until their body weakens.

Try to penetrate to the basics of your husband’s mind and from there start talking to him. If you let him continue, he will never stop this, but be patiant and allowe him to take his own time. Try to make him feel that you are hurt badly. Dont explode over depression, but tell him the words coming out of your heart. Make him aware that how it will affect your child and your relations.
Dear friend, I am not a perfect man to advise you but what I told you is taken from my heart. If you feel this advise unacceptable, please ignore my comments.

Okay……so women say that “it hurts.” What do that mean? Do women believe that porn is demeaning and intimidating? Well, if u want your husbands back, go outside the usual. Spy on what type of porn he watches, then go by what he watches. It will give you a new look on it.

(Marcusb005) what I mean by “it hurts” is that my husband prefers to watch porn than being with me how do you think that makes me feel? It hurts yes because his watching them and not me. It has nothing to do on my spying on him and seeing what he like I know what he likes. I don’t believe porn is “demeaning and intimidating” because my body looks good and I don’t need to look like them. It hurts me because he watches them and gets satisfied watching them. I have toys, sexy cloth, etc. But he just doesn’t care for that.

(Man1978) thanks for clearing some things up but I still don’t understand, The truth is I don’t consider our sex boring because I do what ever he wants in bed except anal, sorry for being so explicit. But I still don’t get why do men enjoy watching these videos even if there partner is still new to them. Why? Because since I met him he always watched it and I’ve even have friends that they have “new girlfriends” and they still look at it even with them they watch it. Is it something “Mental” you guys have or a “Fantasy” of being with that girl? And I do consider myself sexy to him. I always dress up for him and I put whatever he likes, We always play around but for some reason he always brings up “porn”.

Today we got into a argument again because of that since the other days incident its been none stop arguing, It hurts me because I do love him and I don’t want him watching this things, and even if we stop doing it together he will just find another way to do, and I’m not his mother to prohibit him from anything. Would you really stop forever if your wife asked you too? And I mean FOREVER. Not just for a couple of days. So I’m scared because I do love him a lot. And I feel like if I tell him to stop I’m pushing him away, and if I continue to watch porn with him I believe our love will end. And on the other hand every guy watches “porn” right?. LOL and I don’t like woman.

So what do I do? Do I stay or do I leave and dedicate my life to our daughter? I am very confused at this point of my life. And I do know our fighting will push each other away. Thanks for your advice I truly appreciate all the advice except dumb ones. I like truthful and honest request. People that I feel are being sincere with me.

(Still Disappointed): Sorry to hear what’s happening, my best advice to you is talk to him, calmly, let him know how you feel. Everything you are feeling tell him. And don’t worry he loves you its just that men get tired of the same pu**y so they look into porn to see something different, or they look at porn because there wives don’t satisfy them. Guys are weird lol and you have to understand them. I know it hurts but its something your going to have to get over one way or another. Don’t divorce him what you can do is ” no porn while sex” and then let him enjoy it every once in a while by him self, because no matter what guy you go to they are going to have the same habbit.look as long as he doesn’t cheat on you, you can always work things out, go to a counselor. Best of luck……..

DEar Still disappointed,

I understand your pain and mental stress. My sincere advise is to save your marriage and do not break away. I could read your mind and understand you love your husband. I also feel your husband loves you too but all these bitter happenings made a reason to worry. To your question- whether husbands can give up the porn habit- My answer is certainly Yes. “.But please understand, it is not easy like giving up any other habit like smoking or drinks and the bouncing back tendency is quiet high.Mental control is not the right way of giving up this habit because it will be like one kind of suppression.A man have to avoid the origination of that need by allowing himself to satisfy with sex at the same level of his satisfaction on fantazizing on porn.Watching porn is one kind of addiction. You are not helping him if you watch porn with him expecting you are attracting him towards you with the help of porn. Never it will work. Forcing him away from porn is also not that easy. But believe me, the strongest thing in the world is “love”.There nothing that cannot be changed. Apply these principles in your life. I will pray for you too.

DEar Still disappointed,

I understand your pain and mental stress. My sincere advise is to save your marriage and do not break away. I could read your mind and understand you love your husband. I also feel your husband loves you too but all these bitter happenings made a reason to worry. To your question- whether husbands can give up the porn habit- My answer is certainly Yes. “.But please understand, it is not easy like giving up any other habit like smoking or drinks and the bouncing back tendency is quiet high.Mental control is not the right way of giving up this habit because it will be like one kind of suppression.A man have to avoid the origination of that need by allowing himself to satisfy with sex at the same level of his satisfaction on fantazizing on porn.Watching porn is one kind of addiction. You are not helping him if you watch porn with him expecting you are attracting him towards you with the help of porn. Never it will work. Forcing him away from porn is also not that easy. But believe me, the strongest thing in the world is “love”.There nothing that cannot be changed. Apply these principles in your life. I will pray for you too.

There’s absolutely NO EXCUSE for a man to look at porn if he has an attractive wife who is willing to make love to him on a regular basis. Men look at porn because they lack self-control and morals. Porn is everywhere, so if a man wants to remain faithful to his wife, he has to make a concerted effort not to look at it. It all boils down to a lack of respect and a lack of morals. Not all men need to see “new pu**y” (as someone else put it) but you can bet that the reason some are getting bored in the bedroom is because they look at porn. No decent woman should have to compete with that.

I would rather be divorced than compete with a low-class porn star for my husband’s love and attention. I simply have too much self respect for that.

If your husband refuses to give up porn even after you tell him how much it hurts you, it means he has absolutely NO respect for you. Trust me, it will only get worse as the years go by.

Men will try to convince you that they they NEED porn and can’t stop looking at it, but that’s B.S. If looking at porn caused their penis to fall off you can bet they’d give it up in a HEARTBEAT!!!

Get the book “Pornified” by Pamela Paul.

The complete title is, “Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families.” by Pamela Paul

I don’t think alot of people are really listening. I’ve said it before and it has already been established by other posts. You want to know the truth. Here is is, once again….if you have sex before marriage (any sex) the sex inside your marriage is going to suffer greatly. I wish it wasn’t this way, I really do. I wish we could all have sex with whomever we wanted and go into a marriage and still have a great sex life, but that’s not how human beings were designed. It has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with consequences for human behaviors. I’m sorry, but for the women out there, do you really expect your husbands to never have sex with you or anyone else and then in return you get upset that they seek it out in internet porn? I’m not saying that it’s right, but men have a different sex drive than women. Why get married, if you never want to touch each other? That’s the deception. If you get married, you make a vow to never touch anyone else other than your spouse, but what you’re really committing to, is never touching your spouse or anyone else. Who wants that? Sex before marriage has it’s consequences. Don’t you think it’s strange that women hate having sex after they are married; that they view it as a chore and not as having fun? A husband asking his wife to give him a blow job is like asking her to pull out her front teeth. It should never be looked at this way, but when you have sex before marriage, you taint it and it becomes spolied. Like I have stated before….I wish it wasn’t like this. Once men have sex before marriage, the sex inside their marriage never fulfills them and they look for it somewhere else. If women have sex before marriage then once they get married, sex becomes this chore and duty. They prefer anything else over having sex with their husbands…because the sex has been tainted. The fault doesn’t weigh more on men or women, it’s equal. The consequences apply to both sexes, just in different ways. This can give women some insight on why their husbands cheat on them when their wives are gorgeous, because as I have stated before….LOOKS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH GREAT SEX! Great sex starts with the head on your shoulders, not the one between your legs. If you don’t believe me, then take what I have said and apply it to your own life. Remember, ask yourself what sex was like before you got married and then compare that to the sex you had (or didn’t have) once you got married. There is quite a difference and it’s not for the better. I have never been married and yet I know all this. It’s incredibly sad, yet incredibly undenialable. I have to face the consequences of my actions once I do get married…can you? If you can’t, the only way to fix these irregularities in your marriage is to have a relationships with God and asking Him to forgive you, otherwise you might read this and laugh and say to yourself, I don’t need God to fix my problems….and all I can say is have fun never havinf sex with your wife who you vowed to never cheat on….what’s more pathetic, the guy who can’t get any? or the guy who’s married and can’t get any? You guys be the judge.

Quite frankly, you judgmental women make me sick. And that goes double for you who invoke the name of Jesus every time someone has the audacity to do anything that involves their own enjoyment (even when it doesn’t interfere with anyone else’s ability to live their life as they see fit). Stop using the church as an excuse to be a tyrant and control the life and behavior of everyone else around you!

Just a little background to explain my rant: I’m married, and have been for almost 9 years now. When our relationship began, my wife and I were intimate fairly often, maybe a few times a week. Gradually, for one reason or another her desire waned and it became once a week, and then once a month, and now often even longer. Unfortunately, my desire has NOT gotten much less, and I have to say I’m not at all satisfied with the current frequency. I love my wife and have no interest in divorcing her or cheating on her with someone else. So I use porn as a visual to help keep myself satisfied. The way I see it, something will have to give if I’m expected to give up porn, because I didn’t get married to have a celibate lifestyle (or even a near-celibate lifestyle).

I don’t really have the solution to this problem. I admit my wife isn’t fond of my porn use, but the alternatives are worse if you ask me. Oh, and you Jesus freaks can just keep your suggestions to yourselves. I don’t believe in something just because it’s written in a 2000+ year old book, or just because you told me. My opinion on God is that if he wants my belief he’ll just have to show me, because reading the Bible or listening to a preacher will NEVER be enough to convince me. So if you have a suggestion for me I’m afraid you’re going to have to come up with something better than “You’re going to hell!” If I listened to your suggestions my life would be hell on Earth, which is too much to ask of someone who doesn’t believe in an afterlife.

(jones86) The honest truth it really doesn’t matter if you had sex before marriage ok. Me and my husband had sex before marriage and we have the best sex life ever. And i have friends that got married virgins and there husbands ended up cheating. It really doesn’t matter it depends on the loser you choose. And i don’t see it at giving my husband a blow job as a “Chore” I do it because i want too. He can’t make me do anything and i can’t make him do anything. How old are you Jones? 20? A guy that cheats is because, Either he doesn’t love his wife, or because his tired of his wife, or his a low scum. Because if you love, Cherish and respect your wife there is no need to cheat. Now talking about men watching porn that’s something different, me and my hubby do it to spice things up or just for fun, not because he doesn’t love me. I am very open minded wife.And I enjoy porn, And i don’t believe in religion when it comes to sex. I respect everyone’s opinion and what ever other woman do with their husbands is there problems if they treat them like children , Congratulation .You have an extra child, and if your husband puts up their wife like treating them like kids good for them. But once someone cheats I believe the guy or woman cross the line.

both my husband and I enjoy porn. do we watch it every night? nope. Have we become addicts? nope. Did it massively improve our sex life to let our gaurd down a bit and experiment and be open about what we like when it comes to sex, uncluding watching porn? yepp! I think sex should be spontanious and enjoyable for both participants and if porn helps you or him enjoy it better then go for it! I think a lot of women get jealous over how the women in porn look but most of my close guy friends have admitted that they don’t always like how the girls look, it’s more their attitudes. I know most women just get too uptight about how they look or they get too frustrated trying to be the perfect mom and wife and they put on a prudish front to accomplish that. I think it can be very beneficial to just relax a little- and besides, it’s not always about you…sometimes you have to step a little bit outside of your boundaries. I just don’t see the problem with it!

relax a little!

Wow! I was so worried that there was something seriously wrong with me because everytime I catch my husband looking at porn i get so upset…It may be a small one but it is still such a relief to know Im not alone….I am 20 years old as of this month..My husband and I have been married for 1 year and a half but been together a total of 3…I have never really had self esteem problems but this whole porn thing has turned that upside down…He was my first love and then we got married….I dont understand…he watches porn and then tries to delete it and when i confront him, he denies it, says im crazy, and has no remorse. All i want to do it cry…A few other times i have caught him doing it, he laughs it off and says it was ust something stupid and acts like its no big deal, even knowing it hurts me so much…I used to want nothing more than to have children with this man and now…well..I don’t even want the thought of children with him to enter my mind…It is pushing me away so much. I dont even enjoy porn! I can be with him and thats enough for me…i just dont understand. Thanks!

Oooooooh, my…. It’s just SEX… Just because a person watches porn doen not mean they are a PERVERT!!

Most Men enjoy the Visual Aspect of it. I know that some men enjoy it because porn women are doing things they could never ask there wives to do. If you love eachother who cares if your a SLUTT in the bedroom.

I feel very sad for the women that are feeling disrespected by there husbands. I honestly believe that is not there intentions. Women need to realize that Men are Very VISUAL when it comes to SEX. To where Women are Very in LOVE when it comes to SEX.

I feel that some women that are feeling this way about PORN, have not had the Passion of Great Sex with there husbands. Or maybe lost the passion over the years.

I have been married for 19 years…. and believe me when I say “SEX is Very Important in a Marriage”. I am not saying have sex everyday. At least a couple times a week.. And definitely at least once a month you should make it exciting, get SEXY for your hubby… Remind him that Everything he sees on his PORN he can have with you…

Women please, try to be openminded and remember PORN is just a Sex Video. Watch a good one believe me they do have RAUNCHY ones, but you never know you might learn something new about yourself and your husband…

lol, AMEN.

Most men who look at porn already have wives or girlfriends who are sexy and willing to be adventurous in the bedroom, so that has absolutely nothing to do with why men look at porn. Men look at porn because they have low morals and no respect for women. Everyone knows that porn is filthy and degrading to women, which is why most *decent* women don’t like it. It has nothing to do with the woman’s unwillingness to try new things in the bedroom since most men who look at porn would rather masturbate to porn than have sex with their wives or girlfriends anyway.

In marriage, porn is the *other woman* and any wife who has lived with a porn addict knows that NOTHING they do will get the husband’s attention once he is captivated by porn. Believe me, I would have done ANYTHING for my husband but he didn’t even want to have sex with me. Instead HE chose to have HIS sexual needs met through pornography.

Those of you who are living this way be encouraged.. there are still men out there(though they are few) who do not need to look at porn for sexual satisfaction. Statistically 1 out of 4 American men DO NOT look at porn. These are the good guys and they are out there just waiting for a good woman to come along. So don’t give up hope! Stop wasting your time on losers because they will never change. Trust me, I wasted the best years of my life with a man who chose porn over me. It will only get worse, especially once you have kids.

Susanne, your comments are very strange for someone calling herself a Christian. You are claiming that someone who watches porn has low morals while you yourself admitted that you are in a true relationship outside your marriage and you are staying with your husband only for his paycheck. Even your Jesus said something about those who could throw the stones, and even your Lord doesn’t judge a man until his days are gone. You’re seems to be a typical holier-than-Thou person who points fingers on others while your own slate needs some serious cleanup. How could you tell others what to do if you already screwed up your own relationship doing what you suggest others to do?

(Not to Susanne): a new trend I see the last year is increased number of problems in sex life for younger people (like early twenties). Those were almost non-existent just a couple of years ago.

I need help! Me and my husband are both 22. at the beginning he would watch porn and litterally make me leave the room alothough I tried to get him to watch it with me. Then it got to the point where everytime that I would leave the house he would watch it, then to the point where Id be in the mist of pleasuring him and he would tell me that he would rather watch porn and make me stop. I have told him how I feel and nothing works. He litterally yells and screams at me that he should be able to do what he wants as long as it isnt with someone else it should be fine. Please if anyone has some advice I NEED IT

Consider that men have fantasies of women. Get to know some of your partner’s fantasies, what they like and what they don’t like, and why they watch porn.

Endorphin release during sex is just as important as when it is released, and what fantasy is associated with it. Thus the rush/pleasure becomes anchored to the certain fantasy the man may be trying to fulfill. That is what makes men keep going back to porn. The brain has linked the rush of pleasure to pornography. Different pictures can inspire different fantasies within both sexes. Find what kind of thing your partner likes and be sexy for him.

And if you’re a man who has been experiencing coldness from his wife/girlfriend, take charge of things and put some fire back in. Get some candle lights, surprise her, and don’t make it expensive or glorious. Make it sexy. Make it downright dirty, and be masculine. Take charge, and make her feel like a woman. Worry about yourself later. And if that doesn’t fix things, end the relationship abruptly. If she doesn’t need you, you don’t need her.

As for my own opinion, I discredit anything society has ever built. If we were still primal, we would never settle down with just one spouse for the rest of our lives. Maybe for some odd years, but never for more. Humans are not mechanical. We move, we breathe, we feel. So take matters lightly. Find what your partner likes and try and do it. And if it doesn’t work, the best medication is to show them you don’t need them.

I was curious about what other wives felt, so i googled it.

First, let me say that i have a beautiful wife (in many more ways than one). We have been married 12 years and i

love her dearly.

For the first 10 years she was very opposed to me using porn. It stressed things a few

times. I tried to resist but sometimes it would build up and i would sneak some skin time.

Let me say this- i feel i am different to the typical guy. Our marriage is atypical.

-My wife is my first and only love.

-I would never cheat. (Of course, she wouldnt either.)

-I NEVER, EVER imagine myself having sex in anyway with any of those women. In fact, when my wife has suggested

those ideas playfully, it nauseated me. Disgusting! We were both virgins when we married and have never strayed. I

aim to keep it that way.

-Many guys i have worked with dread going home to their wives. I cant stay away! I love her dearly and hate being

away from her and our kids.

-Our sex is more often than probably typical and she is very pleasing and at times adventuresome.

Many times she would let me when i used her pictures or videos. (A+ stuff!) Other times she would allow it when she

wasnt in the mood.

More recently she has changed her mind. Maybe she feels more secure, i am not sure. If given the choice i would rather be with her anytime! Of course, this is too much for her. She has lovingly allowed a release of all that built up energy. If you are a woman, you probably have no idea- but it builds up, and can be frustrating.

Just looking at them doesnt mean that you want them. Women are beautiful. That doesnt mean i want to run off with them.

In closing i want to say that the previous comment that men get tired of the same woman, is false. Maybe some men, but not me. Every time i see it is like the first time. How could i ever get tired of that!?

Please dont just jump to conclusions. Dont lump all men in one category.

Sorry for the cut-up post.

I cant get over some of these comments! So one sided!

To “not lonelyanymore” RE: “I believe God designed sex to be shred ONLY with the one we love.” —-> If women let their husbands then they are lovingly sharing it. God also says that mates should not withhold sex. (Oy, my headache.)

If a man blatantly chooses porn of their wife, that is totally different. Sounds like a marital issue and not a sexual one. Relationships are based on intimacy and friendship. A man can still love and adore his wife and appreciate the release that porn provides. I bet few wives want to do it whenever they have a free minute. That stops after baby 1.

“lparette ” —>Gratification outside of marriage? Ummm, were you taking care of things? (Laying on your side while watching TV providing a hole doesnt cut it.) Most all women are beautiful in different ways. Nothing wrong in noticing that! Jacking off makes guys creeps?

These relationships sound doomed. Are you women jealous, is that it? Again- not all- but so many posts sound one sided and judgemental.

Is your mate your best friend and confidant? I bet not from the sounds of some of these posts.

He shouldnt love you for your body. He should love you for you.

How can some women deny sex and then complain about porn? It is illogical. His body doesnt work like yours. It will build up and explode at night.

To “In Pain” I am sorry you were raped. My wife was raped too. She loves me though and i am a man. Just because a single man blamed his rape on porn doesnt mean that i will rape because of porn.

Women: It is normal for guys to be attracted to women! Just because other women are appealing- doesnt mean he doesnt love and adore you!

Why does this bother women so much? It is a pleasurable release. We dont bitch at you for eating chocolate ice cream and watching Jerry Springer! (Not applicable to me- but cmmon!) Are you there for him when the feelings arise? How can you compare your hormones to his?! Does he tell you how much he knows about birthing a child?

This does sound like a self-esteem thing.

If your man given the choice would rather watch porn than be with you- then there is a problem. Him or you – i dont know. As i said before laying there providing holeage, is not lovemaking. Might as well use the hand and not deal with you complaining about when it will be over!

If he would easily choose you, then really the only issue is availablilty and desire. If one of those things is missing, then why does it matter?

If he wants you over porn, then how could your self esteem be hurt?

All of my comments are assuming a loving marriage. I couldnt imagine it any other way! Husbands and wives should adore each other!

I grew up Christian and always believed lust was wrong but believed as a male I was “stuck” doing it. So what the heck, I gave in to porn the first my hormones kicked in. It started with victorias secret catalogs and the like, anywhere I could get a hold of viewing sexy women. Now in my mid twenties I am learning that I must STOP and control my mind or else my future marriage will suffer.

I read some posts where some (Very few on here) say they have no problem with their spouses watching porn and they watch it together. Well you know, there are also quite a few people that are swingers and willing to have sex with other people besides their spouse and give their own spouse up to others. WTF?? That is NOT what I want. That is not marriage as I believe it.

I’m not going to try and preach to a swinger to fix themselves. However I believe a marriage should be the most intimate relationship between a man and a women. Share everything together: laughter, sadness, care, emotions, activities, friendship, and love. I would be very jealous if my wife would give away those things with another man. I believe it’s wrong. Those things define a relationship between man and woman and make you stronger together. How dangerous is it to take an element away and have “just a friend” on the side. Who knows when you could be tempted.

Back to porn. Porn is an issue of the mind. For me, a male, it sets off the sex chemicals and makes me feel goooood. However, try restricting a male to ONE image or porn video forever. Know what happens? We get bored. To me porn was an addiction. I hated it, because it gave me that high then after releasing it through masturbation I was below ground zero. I had just wasted so much time seeking and seeking to get more and more satisfaction to make it feel “better”. I knew it had to stop. It wasn’t until about 7 months ago that I finally said no more to porn. How? I made a conscious commitment and effort to have discipline. The same way I wouldn’t be sucked into hooking up with a prostitute if I saw one; I have mentally committed myself to stay away from locking on to the thought.

Every girl complaining on here has every right to complain about men looking at porn. It is cheating. Their man is lusting after another woman. Jesus words aside (lust = adultery), the man is giving himself that high off another woman. What happens then is there are less hormones stimulated by their own wife. Think about cultures where it is lewd for woman to show any skin. Imagine when guys see a woman’s shoulder or even stomach. Damn! That’s HOT! It’s a relative stimulation. If your wife was the only girl on the planet you bet you’d be screwing her every opportunity. So then if you believe that is true then you should make every attempt to MAKE it true in your minds eye, not necessarily for your sake, but for your WIFES. You owe her all you are.

So this is what I know from my experience:
1) Porn is never satisfying.
You always need new stimulus to keep you interested – move from one virtual girl to another. Which man that looks at porn has ONE file on his computer? YEA RIGHT.

2) Porn is a waste of time.
I used to get so pissed at myself looking at the clock, “damn! 3am already? I just started at 1am and was ready for bed. Now I’m tired for work.”

3) Porn sticks in your mind.
When you want to get off next time and your wife just isn’t looking quite in shape for you, Boobaliscous Betty certainly will tip you over the edge in your mind. You better believe men think about it later. I struggle with this big time now with having a new girlfriend when I’ve had sex (which I was upset about doing in the first place) with the last. When I masturbate it’s hard to keep my big breasted ex out of the picture. I feel horrible but I’m working on that too.

4) Porn makes you think about other woman. Duh, obviously!
Now do you think you can control your mind in public, at the mall, at work with your hot coworker wearing tights pants or boobs coming out of her top? Yea right!

5) Porn isn’t the only problem!
Porn is the culmination of the males mind acting on stimulus of other woman too. Looking at other woman dressed provacatively is just like porn, lusting after another woman. And in today’s society we certainly have the most sexually provacative culture in the world. Girls have turned themselves into objects for mens sexual gratification to give themselves satisfaction.

Men trying to downplay porn to their woman are a bunch of snakes. Grow a pair of balls men and communicate with your wife your needs instead of diving off in lala land without her. That is cheating. Second, men that can’t control a porn addiction will not be able to control lusting after women in public, at work, at the bar, wherever! Do you really want to treat your wife like that in your mind? You are treating her like trash, not even caring about her, not caring about the sanctity of your marriage (if there is any or you believe in that), not caring about your wife’s esteem. Men should care about their wives esteem, that’s why any idiot wouldn’t say his wife looks a little heavy today. Would you tell her you were fantasizing about your coworker?

I’m not saying porn make men go over the line and actually cheat on their wives, but seriously, is the act in person that much more disturbing?

For me porn has really put a damper on my life. I want to get married soon but do not want to until I can completely discipline myself to not want any girl except for my wife. This has to start way before marriage and that’s why I am sticking to my no-porn commitment even though I’m young single and horny. This also means I will not lust after women, take second glances at their ass as they pass by, glare at the lingerie models, or watch sexual things on TV.

Imagine the mind as a sanctuary, a holy place, would you want it to be a brothel? If men could discipline their minds to allow no other woman to penetrate the sanctuary of their mind just think how much of pure ecstasy is left for their only love, their only lust, their only minds affection, their one and only wife. This is my goal for my future wife and I believe it should be every other man’s if they are to have a true romance and oneness with their wife.

So Men: You have the responsibility, the goal, the obligation, the commitment you made, to make your wife the ONLY girl in your life and in your head. Grow some balls and stop loosing your intelligence when a set of boobs or tight ass walks by. You should handle your wife’s as if its the first pair you’ve ever seen, but that can only happen with discipline of the mind.

Women: Make sure you keep communicating with your men. Ask them what they want and if they’re happy. Make changes to keep them happy. Tell him if you notice he’s not giving yout he attention he normally does and ask him why and how you can help. If you aren’t interested in satisfying him and he isn’t a perfect man, he’s going to struggle or just give in to satisfying his mind or actual body with another woman. Also, men hate being told what to do or that they have a problem. If they are told this they tend to flat out ignore you and rebel specifically out of spite. That is why continuous communication is necessary so that you don’t just ignore ignore ignore then break down the door and nobody can resolve it. Don’t be angry towards your husband because of porn, simply tell him you want to be the only object of his affection and you want to be the one to satisfy him in every way, then ask how you can do that. Let him know you are truly interested in being his only affection. Advice for single women – make sure your boyfriend doesn’t have a porn addiction and if he does tell him you will not marry until he stops for a year. Get a porn blocker and notifier. This should be done for all married couples with porn problems. Porn addicts must have accountability, without accountability there is no impetus to stop.

Hope this helps…ladies, I really really really feel your pain. Who would have every thought, “my husband is cheating on me with a computer!”

Oh I forgot: All men must read this book

“Every Man’s Battle”

Women who have been affected by porn should also read it so they can understand men’s “battle”.
There are also workbooks, free podcasts, and a week long conference workshop.

Look at the facts above here, porn hurts just as much as any other addiction: drugs, alcohol, gambling…the same broken marriages are created.

More books from that series that are helpful:
Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series)

Every Young Man’s Battle DVD: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation

Every Heart Restored Workbook: A Wife’s Guide to Healing in the Wake of Every Man’s Battle (The Every Man Series)

Every Man’s Battle Guide: Weapons for the War Against Sexual Temptation (The Every Man Series)

That book definitely opened my eyes to my problem before I could even see how tarnished I was.

Recovering addict says “It is cheating. Their man is lusting after another woman.”

While i agree that this is true for most men, this is not the case for all.

Women can be pretty and enjoyable to look at, but that doesnt mean i want to be with them.

And no, my wife doesnt know about this thread and she isnt reading what i have written.

Most of those woman are just plain trashy with tramp stamps and such. Why the heck would i want that when i have a perfect wife?

I do not lust after those woman. I have desire for my WIFE, not them.

Again- i realize i am probably in the minority. But my wife is one of a kind and irreplaceable.

Husband of Beautiful Wife, if those women are so trashy, why are you even looking at them at all? Why are you not content to just look at your perfect and beautiful wife? If it isn’t about indulging in lust, then why porn? Why not just take up bird watching? There are many beautiful things you could look at that do not include pornographic images of trashy women, and the best part is, you wouldn’t be disrespecting your wife the way you are doing now.

My husband constantly lives on the computer when he is not at work…..i have found sites on there that give him availability to find someone right then to meet up and have sex with…this is usually after he has looked at porn….which he does as soon as I leave the house….I have told him how I have felt about this..but he continues on with it. I am older than him and he always looks at the young girls…this is damaging to my self esteem..I do not doubt his love but I do doubt his fidility…as he has cheated on me before…several times…which he does not know I know about. He says he is curious…well he is in his forties…..i think a little to old to be curious..but this is also a bad excuse. I know that I am coming to my end with him…..He spends so much time on the computer that for me it is like living by myself…..but at least by myself I could look for someone that would respect my feelings…and respect me.

To KB

I feel sorry for you for the fact that your husband is obviously selfish. He has obviously learnt this behavior from childhood. I know what you are going through for I left my husband for the same reason which is LONLEYNESS. I hated the fact that the computer with all its available websites was destroying my marriage. My husband started off watching porn and everytime I came in the room he would pretend he was looking at something else, but I could see the site on the taskbar, he eventually wandered into a dating site where cybersex was readily available to him which is where he meet the girl he slept with. Anyone who thinks that porn is not damaging to a realtionship or does not consider it cheating is obviously a male who is watching porn. It is unfair and degrading and emotionally damaging to the person you say you love. It is selfish and shows that you have no true feeling towards your other halfs feelings. If you have to watch porn to have sex with your wife then you are just using her like a hooker. You have no true feelings towards her you only do what is best for you. KB and I are prime examples of what damage the computer and the sites that are available can do.

I am 23 years old and have been with my husband, 11 years my senior for almost 4years. We never really discussed porn in the beginning of our relationship, there was never any reason to. It’s not that I didn’t know he looked at it or anything but he was always very discreet. I was just never given a reason to think about it, I always felt good about myself and felt like he was very attracted to me so never really had any reason to threateneed by it.
However only weeks after the birth of our son, I noticed that he was spending alot of nights downstairs on the computer while I was waking up five times a night with a newborn.
I felt so betrayed, even though I knew in my right mind that masterbating is natural and healthy thing.
I was feeling so unattractive and insecure about my appearance I felt like he was just confirming everything everything I was feeling.
Up until then he had always made me feel like porn and masterbating was something entirely seperate from me and our relationship, he never had magazines around the house and if he was looking at it on the computer I didn’t have to know about. After that however I had a hard time seeing it as something seperate. I tried not to let it bother me, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t understand why he needed it. I had always made myself available to him anytime he wanted. I had gotten back into shape, and looked like my old self again (minus the stretchmarks).
I eventually became the sexually aggressive one and am always making the first move which doesn’t make me feel very desirable. I don’t want to feel this way, and have tried to understand. I can’t help feeling like I am in competition with what he is looking at, and can’t measure up anymore. I have stopped taking it as a personal attack but I still get jealous and insecure wheneverhe does it.
I know that he loves me, and he has at least tried to explain his feeling about this stuff, whereas alot of men would have just told me to get over it. But I can’t seem to let it go and just see it for what he says it is.
I feel ridiculous and inmature, so if any one can shine a new perspective on it I would appreciate it. I would love to know how the women out there that have been through it learned to cope with their own feelings about it.

Suzanna:

It feels good to have orgasms. My wife isn’t always willing or available. The female sex drive diminishes over time, especially if babies come along!

Bird watching doesnt make me have an orgasm. If it did, lots of guys would be watching birds.

Those woman may be trashy, but some of them are still attractive. It makes spanking the monkey more enjoyable. Actually it makes it possible. I am old enough that i dont just get a stiffy by the wind blowing you know.

Our relationship is better than ever now that we are open about it. I wont feel so bad being rejected and she wont feel so bad saying no. Dont get me wrong, i would rather be with her 5 times a day. It isnt going to happen though. Sometimes she tells me to spank it when she is there beside me.

She doesnt really like to look at the naked bodies, male or female, but she knows that she is the one that i want.

Sorry to disappoint. I am not lusting after those woman.

Oh, when she tells me to do it, and i am beside her. She is pleased that i am enjoying myself. She is also relieved that she can relax and not have to worry about me bugging her for sex.

I enjoy having a release without having to bug the crap out of her. When i know she doesnt feel up to it, i am comforted that i can be relieved without bothering her.

This question goes out to all those men who write here and use the “It is a natural biological Instinct” argument for their sexual behaviors. Why would you lower yourself to the level of a non conscious thinking, feeling animal who can only act based on his instincts?
Yes, perhaps most male animals pursue sex with any available female. But don’t they also pee wherever they happen to be standing or walking? Don’t they have sex in front of young animals? Don’t they walk up and sniff a female’s genitalia? Don’t they eat whenever and wherever they are when they get hungry? They don’t comb their hair, use deodorant, or eat with utensils. They also didn’t invent fire or the wheel. They have continued to live only by their basic instincts for millions of years. But humans HAVEN’T!! So why do you who use that argument only use it when it comes to certain sexual behaviors, the ones that YOU want to pursue and claim that it is a natural basic biological instinct that you can’t control, or that if controlled will lead to severe physical or emotional distress?
They have no concept of social rules, except those based on instinct; no conscious thoughts, no thoughts of commitment, vows, getting along with others mentally, no emotions such as caring, concern, support, embarrassment nor anything about agreements, compromise, negotiation, or fairness. They don’t get emotionally hurt. They don’t have conscious expectations. But PEOPLE do. So to say that sexual behaviors should only be determined based on natural instinct or biological drive is a bit strange if you are actually a feeling, thinking human being.

Another point to ponder, When the question is asked “Does Porn hurt Marriage?”, shouldn’t that be a social scientific study for statistical purposes to see if the usage of such harms a marriage rather than if it SHOULD hurt a marriage or relationship? It seems that every time I read an article or blog such as this, the question quickly turns into arguments as to if it should or not, not whether it does or not.
The question of should, is really a question of how and/or why. That is a valid question and one that needs to be explored and understood, but it is vastly different then the clear question of whether it does or not.
I have seen the argument given by those who engage in the use of Pornography, that it doesn’t hurt anyone. Yet in the same writing they will state that their partner is hurt and that it is hurting (negatively affecting) their relationship! Or they can read many posts and statements by some partners that it does indeed hurt them. So isn’t their position really that they wish it DID’NT hurt a partner so that they could pursue it without guilt, problems, consequences or interference? But for them to state that it DOESN’T hurt anyone, or a relationship, when they have statements from partners that it does indeed hurt them, and then aren’t they just in denial and refusing to accept those personal statements as valid for those stating them?
If the answer is that it does a hurt a relationship, that doesn’t mean that it hurts EVERY relationship. But on the other hand, it also does not mean that because it doesn’t hurt every relationship, that then it should hurt no relationships.
If a partner is NOT bothered by it, or does not experience any negative emotional response, then it seems to answer the question that in those relationships, then NO, it would not harm their marriage. But if a partner is affected negatively, then it seems to be obvious that the answer is yes, it does hurt either the partner or the relationship or both.
This is the way it is with anything in life. If your boss has no negative response to an employee using the internet for personal reasons during the work day, then there won’t be a problem when it happens. But if he does have a negative response, then it WILL have a negative impact (hurt) your relationship with him and with that job.
Those that say that it is the partner who needs to change their view of it so that they aren’t hurt or bothered so the relationship isn’t negatively affected, couldn’t you say that about any type of negative situation in life? If the boss would just change his view on internet usage then there would be no problem. If your boss just didn’t have any negative response to you stealing from him, then there would be no problem Right? You wouldn’t be punished, you could keep doing what you want, and there would be no negative consequences. But how often does that viewpoint or argument work in real life? Not too very often that I am aware of!

I am glad I found this thread and am equally glad that I am getting the opportunity to put in my 2 cents worth.

Some background. I am an accomplished professional woman. I have an advanced degree. I am very attractive. I am fit. I have 2 kids and I love sex.

More importantly, I love making love to my husband. My HB, on the other hand, is not as motivated as I am. He has a HS diploma and some college. He is constantly looking for a “better” job, but is turned down due to lack of experience/credientials.

He is fit, but he did not gain and lose weight with the kids as I had to do. As for sex. Hmmmmmm he prefers mb to porn. Why? To my knowledge, it started when I was pregnant. He lost his job and, I assume, felt scared about the impending responsibility.

Porn (and the MB that obviously accompanies it) was his “escape” from reality. Whenever I left for work, I realized he was logging onto Kindgirls and MB to images. Our sex life plummetted. I was always the one initiating sex.

I was always left in the cold. He would use sex as a weapon- angry with me for his failures. He was flirty. He always made excuses for his behavior telling me that I was too uptight even though his behavior towards females and female friends made me uncomfortable.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and weighed the pros and cons. I thought, at the time, that the porn issue would stop once we were married. we discussed our vows and the integrity of the marriage vows. We discussed one another’s expectations in honoring these vows.

The mistake that I made, according to him, was that I never specifically said that I was against porn in our marriage and that it was a deal breaker. In other words, he played a loophole and hid the porn use from me. After the birth of our second child, we contemplated splitting up but decided to give it one last shot.

We dove in 100%, well….I did. We married. Not even 2 months after the marriage, he started with the porn. Again. I caught him and was devestated because now not only was it an issue, but I felt that our vows had been violated. That the integrity of our marriage had been tarnished. He just laughed at me and said that I am overreacting, that this is normal behavior and that I have self esteem issues.

Are you kidding me? I am an accomplished woman who has all her ducks in a row. I am self sufficient and got back into shape after having 2 kids. I was raring to go sexwise and wanted to share my passion with my Hb. But, he had other plans.

My HB was not interested in resuming a sex life with his wife. Our bed became cold. I had a drawer full of Victorias Secret and heels and never wore them

Meanwhile, all the men I work with constantly tell me how lucky my HB is. The men at the gym hit on me. So, I know Im not a freakin hag.

I was willing to look past the fact that my HB did not have a college education and a high paying job basing our relationship on “love”. What a crock. He and his porn is nothing but white trash.

He brought our relationship down to the gutter with his behavior.

We spent months in marriage counseling and failed counseling.

He spent hours defending his behavior and justifying it. To this day, he insists that there is nothing wrong with what he did and that I am crazy to feel upset by the fact that he would rather “f***” an image than his wife.

The therapist basically gave up and said that the bottom line is that I am age appropriately mature and responsible whereas my HB is not. He is a self centered egotist who has such serious self esteem issues that whenever he gets upset at me for being more accomplished than he, he has to go MB to some bimbo online in order to make himself feel better.

POrn is his escape. Like an alcoholic is to alcohol.

The therapist’s feeling was that he is intimidated by me and that he uses porn and MB as a way to :”act out” against me. Our anniversary is in 2 weeks. We are in the process of separating. Porn is a problem and I hate it. But, I know that the only one to blame is my HB. He has to be accountable for his actions.

He chose porn over this marriage. He has chosen to disrupt the lives of our 2 children. He has issues. I am not to blame and I will not feel guilty for removing myself and my children from an unhealthy environment. How dare anyone make the argument that porn is ok.

How? What are the benefits? Have we become such a hedonistic socirty that we dont even consider the impact that porn has on young children in the home?

No matter what you morons say, there is no benefit to porn. There is nothing healthy about using porn in a marriage. I am NOT a religious nutjob or fanatic.

I am woman who worked very hard to get where she is, married late in life and expects some respect from my HB in the form of marital intimacy. I give 100% and I expect no less in return.

I am now suffering, my 2 kids are suffering, because my HB has been brainwashed by friends and a society that tells him that “every man does it”. Thats BS.

Well, as stated earlier, here’s another marriage down the drain – thanks to porn. So, to all you “MEN” out there who think that the wife is to blame, what do you make of my story? Gee…let me guess…I deserved it b/c I am such a b**ch, right? Yeah, thats what I thought.

You men on porn are pathetic. You’re pathetic little boys who are unable to have mature, real, intimate relationships and have to hide away in your little fantasy world because real women and real sex intimidates you. Sad. Sad. How very sad.

I’ve read all the above about how it’s an innocent guy thing don’t worry it’s nothing against you, or he’s a rat leave him bla bla bla….This is a 39 year long battle for me, at first when I was a perfect shaped sex loving wife willing to do and ry most anything to keep him ahppy and satified and now I’m much older and not so pefect — it’s all the same so far as the porn and his attitude about it. Out side of the bed roomwe have always been best friends, inside has always been a battle of trying to make him want me more, no he’s not some sex addict he just wants his porn. Now girls don’t think that sharing it with him will change anything about the sneek in him, they don’t want to share it, it’s theirs and like a dog with a bone they won’t give it up – they might get better at hiding it but they won’t give it up. So sit back and get used to it. They will count the seconds till your asleep out leave the house so they can get to their porn. It’s like when your a kid and might get caught – the thrill of the forbidden,. I finaly got to the pint of hey I want sex too so fine use me like a blow up doll ( we are no more a part of than the doll would be) . I want my best friend more than I need lover so like I say I’ll take what I can get and keep my friend. The hardest part is when I try toset up a “play date ” and come home and he sluffs me off cuz the porn got him first………

It was easier when I could roll uphis magazine say hey you can go F*** um all but your going to get on me to do it !!!!!! All we are is a warm moist substitute for their hand when they are too bored with that and will settle for second best. Don’t expect them to pen their eyes cuz then they are sc***ing you not miss january or loosie lou…. The sad part is out of the sexual part of many of these relationships these men are perfect loving husbands. If you skip the sex my husband is the best loveing careing man who would do most anything in the world for me, anything that is but put me first in bed. I could blame it on me haveing ben sick for the several years but even when we were first married it was the same thing well actually ir was worst then, I looked as good even better than most of the porn girls ( smaller of=n top though) then I fought it, now hell my illness has cause me to gain a lot of weight so hell I need the help getting started why wouldn’t he? But lke the girl before me said sharing it with them is not the answer it is the thought of you catching them or of doing it behind your back that heightens the thrill, back before the internet when I didn’t realize he had a new stach of pron hidden some where he would “acciently ” drop a subscription card behind a chair OOPS yea right. Now it’s like he feels all he has to do is errace the history on the computer and I won’t know , Hell thats the first give away , I check to see if its errased – yes he did still there I don’t bother to lok further, why hide whats not there, Yea as if I’m to stupid to not know why he errases what he thinks is all the history…………. Oh well at least now it’s filling in where I am not good enough, a man deserves a good sex life not some ugly fat sick thing, I am thankfull any time he has for me, if I had to look at me and get arroused I wouldn’t other either. But like I said his porn has gone down. I guess he doesn’t need to lok so hard to find something better than he used to. he always said I was the only woman he ever wanted, I would say yea and you do your regular research to make sure it’s still true. I gave up years ago, I never was and never could be “all” he wanted,as long as there is porn they’ll always need more than reality will give them, reality is just wha it is and well once you go to porn it will never be enough theyll always wonder what eles the other guys might be getting he’s not………oh well I chose to keep the good – and give up on sex.

A couple of days ago I read a lot of these post and really related to a lot of these women and how hurt they really are by thier husbands preference to porn over them. For all of my marrage I have wondered what was wrong with ME, when I was young and slim and could have had any man I wanted had I had the confidence or desire to do so. I would play the games try most anything with in reason to please him, from reading cheap porn in nasty hotels( i guess I was playing the cheap nasty whore)or finding a 3rd party to spice things up. I figured that if I could give HIM what he desired then he would want to do the same for me, a romantic night mixed in with the porn nights ( no the talk of romance only insured a arguement – no romantic storys read in nice hotel rooms those rooms offered pay pr view sex) you see my point I;m sure most of us have tried that logic to get them from the porn to us. Well as the years went by it was alwayd the same arguements, I kept blameing me for not being what he desired or not doing what he liked, or fought tooth and nail to make him change and well now I’m years older and not the girl who can compeat with the perfect little porn girls, heck I din’y even like to touch me, I don’t think I’m sexy or exciting anymore, I have learned well my place.

So any way I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I made the mistake of trying to set up a simple fun play time in bed ( he says I never make the first move) so I got him a silly little treat that is ment to suggest sexual desire and teased and touched him sexually , all of which he let just go over his head, I was not suttle, Well later when he went to the store I got on line and everything was errased from history ( I know because I had to reset my pass words) Well no wonder he ignored the advances while I was planning to enjoy time with him he was taking care of business . Now if gone for any length of time Go for it, but hey he jumped on the computer not t 2 minutes after I was out the drive.he was waiting for me to be out of the way. Well later we he said his treat was good I just said too bad it didn’t work ( I don’t bother to tell him I know about the porn any more I just concider it a given) and teased him about later he said yea he was real horny and made a bla face. Well in the morning I rubbed up against him and tried to get a spark no good. A little later I made some comment about the treat and all again and he says something about oh he didn’t know,and then knowing I had to leave in less than an half hour acted half ass like oh sure honey lets, knowing I could not be late and he would be saved from haveing to supply the pity play.

Well girls lets step back from our selfpity and evaluate things, we worry about being good enough for them and makeing them happy, lets swap shoes here, no we are not one of the stars true, but umm are they?? We try as we may but can’t do them the way those girls do their guys , but tell me can they perform like those guys do? We are not top heavy or perhaps a slim on nasty as those women, but are they as broad shouldered or endowed as those guys?? They shove us aside to drool and swoon over those women and we panic oh no we’re not good enough, maybe we should expect more from them and stop worrying about what we lack. Would any of our men stand a chance if put in room and expected to really please a woman ? Would he measure up? Concidering all the years of research and reading would he know the clit from an elbow? would he care? So what I have decided is fine he can have his porn and should he decide to grace me with his exceptional sexual abilities well go ahead – but you know I think the old saying if you can’t beat um join um could apply here — next time he wants to get drunk and have fun – I’ll watch that movie a lot closer cuz well since he’s somewhere else in his mind no reason for me being there all alone feeling rejected I’ll need to pick me out a well endowed professional to keep my mind busy too — why worry about who your body really is in his mind when with a lot of imagination your can be deciding who his body is filling in for…..and for times when he has it all in hand so to say well porn doesn’t do much for me but I’ve heard there are some really great vibrators out there think I might start a new collection, the way I see it I’ve ruined his fun for too long and need to just let him have his way without haveing to be bothered by my so called selfish insecurities. Think he;ll notice?? Out side the bed room we are best friends and I couldn’t ask for a better husband he doesn’t run around or even have a bowling night and no he dosn’t physically cheat so like some of the guys say why not just let him be ” all the guys do it” why should I let it bother me….. ( they are so ignorant when it comes to how women really feel – all our lives growing up we are tought that our body is the most important and valuable thing we have to offer our spouse, why should we then feel such hurt when they can’t stand it except when they need it stand in for another woman they have on their mind or when they get sick of their hand and need another piece of jacking equipment, some even compare us to the family goat>>>>> It’s about time I stop bothering him and spoiling his fun and i’ve wasted too much time crying over it so like a shrink once told me if you want something that bad rather than fight over it and force him to get it ( it was a heart shped necklace for my birthday) get it yourself and save both of you fro the misery of argueing over it.

Porn has a devastating effect on men psychologically and sexually. These comments from women about men and porn and how we are all “like that” really do not see the full picture.

Have a little sympathy here ladies. You are dealing with ADDICTS. Don’t get angry with your husband for his indulgence of porn, understand that he has a serious addiction. And it’s not necessarily because he doesn’t love you that he uses porn, it’s because he’s addicted.

I want to love and share my heart with a woman but because of porn messing around with my sex drive I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Not until I give it up, but that’s going to be extremely hard as I have been addicted since I was a pre-teen.

Women are so beautiful on the inside and outside and it is such a shame how things have evolved re pornography. Porn is a barrier to a proper loving male-female relationship, there is no question about it.

I also suspect that porn is one of the most addictive things out there. ESPECIALLY Internet porn as it tends to be (1) private, (2) available 24/7 and (3) offers huge variety.

Internet porn – the most addicting thing known to man? Very possibly.

Psychologists etc. won’t study this because it is a taboo topic. Anti-porn views are not accepted by the Establishment.

There’s basically a post-modern attitude to porn – that it’s not even up for discussion any more and it’s okay.

MAY I ADD to my last post also – don’t get angry with your husband. Get angry with the models who upload materials of themselves on the Internet, get angry with pornographers, get angry with Corporations that finance porn sites, get angry with and LEGISLATORS for not speaking about the issue or introducing bogus responses such as “restricting access to minors” or “TV filter boxes”.

Get angry with the Founding Fathers and Supreme Court Judges for saying that porn is “Free Speech” and thus cannot be prohibited.

The Founding Fathers were Freemasons by the way so this kind of morally-libertarian approach to porn that evolved from their Constitution is totally understandable.

These guys – and the Constitution – are totally idealised but the truth is they should not be. There’s nothing great about them. They were not revolutionaries they were the Establishment; the Establishment setting up a new System.

You might also consider getting angry with feminists whose anarchic attitude to sexual morality has fed alot of the move towards porn and hook-up culture. Some people like to misrepresent that porn is anti-feminist, it is not. It is totally feminist.

To Jimbo, you are more of a man than you will ever know and I have such respect for you. Porn addict or not. Your being able to admit the problem of addiction and the affect of porn on your relationship is something that my husband could not do. It would have saved my marriage and it would have resulted in closure for me so that we (my HB and I could have fought the addiction together. But, it was not something that he could do. Its what I needed from him – to stand by him and to understand and to help us get thru. Instead, he blames me for the problem. belittles the affect it has had on our marriage and and he cant understand why what he does affects our relationship or how I feel.
Best of luck Jimbo, I wish you well.

I don’t have a relationship, that is the problem. I don’t know if your husband started his porn addiction before or after you got married, but it seems likely you would not be husband and wife at all if he was a serious porn addict beforehand. Porn wrecks have havok on both the initiation and continuation of a relationship.

“I am a woman who strongly believes in what she does — it is time that our society comes to grips with the fact that “normal” people (women especially) enjoy perverse sex.”

Sasha Grey, 20-year old pornographic performer (my age).

I often think that she is right and I need to dispense my idealistic notions of women and romantic monogamous love with women.

It’s a shocking thought, but increasingly, it appears like the only attitude that makes sense.

Personally I think the sooner our psychologies evolve to have no ideas of romantic love and companionship the better. It will be easier for us in the long run. We’re not going to miss or crave something that we have no psychological conception of.

That is the problem at the moment. Women have to contend with men distracted/addicted by porn. Men have to contend with the upsetting of their sex life by porn, and women being completely comfortable with being pornstars and prostitutes, who generally have as loose an attitude to sexual morality as possible.

In the case of both men and women there are a percentage who are unhappy with this new order of Common Sex (Karl Marx actually used the term “free love” in his Communist Manifesto). But the world has moved on; society has been transformed.

Having a romantic soul in this day and age is positively painful. The sooner it is removed from humans the better.

I think porn is a waste. I’m single and see it as dangerous for anyone who wants to have a normal relationship with a partner. I’ve been in relationships where as a couple we visited other couples or larger groups. For whatever reason some guy found it entertaining to play porn for everyone to watch. I simply left (and my partner happily followed). I have no problem with a men masturbating, it makes for an intense orgasm as a man controls it and how to do it best. But as far as a visual when masturbating, I’ve always my partner to pose for me and talk to me as my stimulation. I never had a need to look at anyone else except the person I’m with, and most women I’ve known (I’ve only had a few relationships) had no problem with watching me masturbate from being aroused looking only at them. On the emotional side, they always had the piece of mind knowing when I want to enjoy masturbating, I’d rather get myself off looking at them over viewing some body fake film “star” allowing herself to be degraded and abused.

“I’d rather get myself off looking at them over viewing some body fake film “star” allowing herself to be degraded and abused.”

Are they though? I would say that’s entirely subjective.

Certainly they are exploiting men’s sexuality for massive financial compensation.

Considering the life after their film career, I’d think women in porn qualify as generally abused. Drugs and alcohol seem a factor from any TV commentary I see, aside from physical and emotional after effects regards having a normal life partner and a family. Aside from another porn person, who would want to be with a woman who did what most do with hundreds of men for a living, leaving the images for anyone to see ? They may look good (opinion) with all their surgery, but what normal man would want one as a wife or partner. It’s one step up on the food chain from a prostitute.

I concede that for the majority of marriages porn is a negative. It seems as most men are not committed to their wives.

I really appreciated Ana’s story. It is very unfortunate.

I love my wife and i love being with my wife. Due to some medical issues and emotions from a teenage rape, she is not always desiring sex. It takes some effort to get her in the mood, if she even wants to try. I respect that and love her all the same. I dont love her for her body. I do love that she cares about me and my sexual desires though.

My wife is awesome.

Dont trade your wife for porn. If you married her you must have thought she was the wonderful. Dont ever lose sight of that.

“It’s one step up on the food chain from a prostitute.”

I would say it’s practically the same, but that’s just me.

a simple comparrison, who would want to go play on a tire swing in the back yard — no matter how much you loved it after going to Disney land even if you didn’t fuly enjoy it???? After porn a simple sex life with your spouse is just not exciting no matter how much you love your spouse…. And if the tire swing is left unuseafter time it just hangs around and rots no matter how great it was in the beginning…….. yep this old tire swings just been hanging around too long and my desire for sex has begab to rot. When I think of sex I picture himsittiing at bthe computer one ear making sure I’m not close and one hand on his thing and the other on the key board….thats what we see while he has his fun. Then when he does decide to touch me all I can think about is what he saw thatcot it up long enough to do his pity f*** and who doing what is he really screwing…… how exciting is that???? hpw can we be expected to be turned on by that???? Yet they blame it on US for not keeping it interesting…..

That’s pretty bad alright ??????.

But really as I say your beef is with the porn performers, legislators and the Freemasonic Constitution of the United States.

It’s not a matter of “keeping it interesting” ??????, you cannot compete. Porn really needs to be kept out of the question or else the whole thing is a losing proposition. His sex drive is in a tail spin. The sexual energy he would normally have for you is getting re-directed and just isn’t there any more.

This is not a case of adapting the situation, we need a completely different societal attitude to porn. And the law needs to change too – obscene addictive porn being “free speech” is a crime but that’s the Freemason Constitution for you.

Or if not, we better be prepared to continue having highly dysfunctional intimate relationship, and for things to get worse.

“Considering the life after their film career, I’d think women in porn qualify as generally abused.”

Again, it’s subjective. I’m sure if you did a psychological test on the current 20-year-old porn performers in 20 years time, you wouldn’t have a 100% rate of feeling “abused” or psychologically unhinged.

The sex “industry” is evolving all the time and the conditions are probably on the whole improving for the sellers, with less serious risks as time goes on.

Anyway, porn performers being abused shouldn’t be the hard and fast rule, which it tends to be at the moment in commentary.

“Aside from another porn person, who would want to be with a woman who did what most do with hundreds of men for a living, leaving the images for anyone to see ?”

I wouldn’t be able to hack it anyway.

You know I just thought of something. Remember back in the 1960s feminists said they wanted to destroy marriage the nuclear family as their prime objective? Well, it looks like porn is the Golden Bullet for that.

Interesting that the tone occassionally now seems to “defend” people in porn ? I’ve never considered a woman something simply to “relieve” myself on or something to neglect, abuse, pervert, or degrade in any way. That is what porn shows women to be. Men who find that type of action, or have that mindset, seem common in the posts I’ve read regards partners with a porn problem and that is horribly sad. I feel terrible for the women who have posted telling about empty or destroyed relationships. But I deeply admire the courage and stand of those who got out of such disaster zone relationships. I hope those who escape that type of exchange find what they need and want elsewhere. To me a female is an equal, a buddy, a lover, and a confidant. Those are not the female images projected by porn. I HAVE to believe there are normal people in the world with a normal sense of what having a partner is (physically and otherwise). Otherwise I’d give up hope of finding whoever she is and just get another cat as a companion. At age 42 I’m more positive than that. Finally, I’d hope women who walked away from a “porn moron” have the open mind to not assume every male is of the same caliber as the loser she was with previously. I wonder how many men have lost out on a potential relationship because the woman became “hard”, “closed” or to protective of herself from her experiences with a porn addicted male. In those cases men are also casualties of pornography.

As I said above it is not fair to call men addicted to Internet prostitutes “porn morons”. We wouldn’t call alcoholics “alcohol morons”. Addicts do not necessary have control over their addiction or actions. They need support, not stigmatisation. Unfortunately that’s not much of a consolation to a woman experiencing little sexual attention because of porn.

You know what’s rather remarkable. How you can still have all the love in the world for women as human beings no matter how much porn you consume. I’ve been a porn addict for a good few years now but I’ve never stopped having respect for women or being able to be touched by them.

And yet, porn chains your heart and sex drive enough that you can’t connect or initiate properly.

A porn addict liked what he saw the 1st time and went for more on his own. The entire use/degrade, etc concept of women in porn is what the porn addict wants to see and prefers over normal sex with a partner. Just my opinion, but “support,” “pity” “not his fault” or similar feelings for those individuals is due to them about the same as having those feelings for a child molestor. If it looks like a pig, smells like a pig, and sounds like a pig, chances are it’s just a pig. Wake up.

I highly recommend the book, Divine Sex by Philo Thelos for anyone struggling with this problem. It could change your life.

I think you are absolutely wrong Jimbo. I think people hear this meme that women in porn are abused/degraded as an absolute, and they just accept it. Well I don’t accept that.

I think the child molester comparison is also ridiculous. He’s sitting in front of a computer screen unloading his reproductive juice on inanimate objects. If anyone’s getting abused and degraded here, it’s him. He’s losing connection with his family, engaging in an essentially pointless activity, wasting time and energy; PLUS reinforcing addiction brain circuits.

If you can’t see the pain and emptiness there for the individual – which we can be sure about, unlike the female porn star – then I just don’t know.

Regarding the porn artists, they went into the business of their own accord, they can leave it of their own accord, and they are often making multiples of the average annual salary for their work. Considering all of this, it is not for me to worry about her particular case. In any event there’s no emotional or physical connection and there’s no way for anyone to know. Porn websites don’t come with phone numbers to contact the models in case you don’t know!

Why get upset about something which you’ve no way of solving, and which probably isn’t happening?

Assumption that women in porn are molested/abused – and it really is a whole different discussion.

You are dealing with an addiction. No matter how embarrassing that addiction may be, that’s still what it is. And Internet porn is one of the most addictive things in existence.

I strongly suspect you’ve not been there considering the callousness with which you are treating the porn user and victim.

Yes those addicted to porn are victims and there is no institutional support for them.

Divine Sex is a great book. It can be read online for free. Google it.

Funny how some here say let them have it and see how they like it if you do it. My husband once bought us a “big”toy to play with, well after we used it together he got bored with it realy soon, but I kept useing it on my own. I mean he was off on the computer and had no use for me so well I decided fine whats good for the goose and instead of suffering alone decide I have a toy I’ll take care of me since he won’t. Well long story short he found out I put the toy to good use when he wasn’t there and so he went abd took a hack saw to – yep he didn’t like it when he was replaced with fantasy and masterbation….. I still 20 years later laugh about that and remind him about how he can do it and expects me to understand but when the table turned his ego couldn’t handle it……. Well I gave up a long time ago on his porn. I love him and he’smy best FRIEND. I take what I get and except it for it is, I can tell when he’s in his head or when he’s with me he knows that and I think he knows that nymoer I just really don’t care. It still hurts when I come to him and try to start something and he gets made or just turns me down and then I find out it’s becasue while I was out getting set for a fun night of sex he was busy on the internet. Oh and he still doen’r comprehend that when he erasses the history I know why, All I check any more is if it’s erased or not, I don’t need to read the history because if it’s there it’s clean if it’s gone his arm will be tired (HAHA) Oh well it sucks. HE didn’t go to porn becasue I let myself go – I was sexy and willing for many years – and he could care less, I got sick and it caused me to gain a lot of weight, but the porn got better after I gained not worst. He says he has everything he wants I guess he means that since he keeps a close account of what he doesn’t have just to make sure…… ha ha sick joke

So sad… I am on my way to a divorce… 7 months into a separation with a man who lied about his pornography addiction. It is a selfish thing, lying and manipulating others to maintain your own habit is wrong… I tried many times to talk openly with him about it but he continued to lie to me. The trust meter ran down and there is no more left. People who will compromise their integrity for selfish satisfaction will not only lie and manipulate others about this issue but it will eat away at the very fabric of decency and respect in other aspects of life as well… When someone gets so good at justifying to themselves that it is ok they will find other ways to justify wrong deeds,,, that is when they are in an evil trap of selfish gratification that will only lead to heartache… Speaking from experience…

“Having a romantic soul in this day and age is positively painful. The sooner it is removed from humans the better.” Jimbo, you sound sad, lost, defeated and cold. This is the reason why porn has become such a perverse addiction for so many people and this is the end result of that perverse, twisted addiction. This sentiment is EXACTLY what porn trains a man to think. That sex and relationships and the intimacy that come with it are too complicated and are not convenient to have in a relationship. Instead, the man wants to havae immediate sexual and intimate gratification without expending any time, effort or energy into the realtionship. Naturally, a relationship void of intimacy or a “romantic soul” cannot flourish and it will die. Sex and relationships become cold. Distant. Sex becomes a sport for recreation, not to foster intimate fulfillment. You are so young. Why you would keep this attitude instead of breaking the cycle, I cant fathom. I would NEVER want to give up my romantic soul. The intimate connection with my husband transcends all boundaries of ife and made me a fuller person. Besides my children (who are the most important to me) Its what keeps my heart alive. Breathing. Its what life is about. I would urge you to get professional help. Why not? What have you got to lose? As to sad about this topic – I hear you and feel what you are going thru. Been there.

A friend of mines husband once told her that the guys he worked with “got it once a day and twice on Sunday,” his wife “was alway wet and waiting” boy wasn’t that fun for her

i have been married for 1.5 years. dated for 2 prior. like many who have commented here, i thought my husband’s use was occasional, and a stop-gap for when i wasn’t around. it was fine.

when we moved in together, however, i discovered his use was approx daily. i would go out for 2 hours and he’d surf the whole time. he lied constantly, which was devastating. i could see that he’d been downloading porn and ask him about it and he’d look me in the eye & lie, smooth as silk. i’d never have guessed he was being dishonest.

i googled his MSN handle, and discovered profiles on hook-up sites (designed for married people looking for extra-marital fun). when i confronted him, he explained that he never even messaged any one, just was turned on by the racy (desperate?) photos and comments.

the self-esteem issue brought up earlier matters. why is my husband willing to lie to me to protect this habit? what is SO important that he’d rather risk breaking down trust and honesty to protect it? that’s what makes me question my place in his sexuality.

research has demonstrated that men who consume porn regularly have a harder time maintaining a long-term sexual relationships. they have a harder time being turned-on by their wife’s changing body over the years, because they have trained their own to respond to a very very specific body-shape. i don’t want to be afraid of age!

he has “tried” to quit, and can’t. and by his own admission, won’t. whatever one’s values about porn, it IS like alcohol. if you control your use, fine. if your use controls you, there’s a problem. if you need to lie and deceive the people who love you to get your fix, you have a dependency that is unhealthy. our marriage counselor was blunt: “your porn use is hurting your wife, and making her feel insecure. your dishonesty is hurting your marriage and making IT insecure. if you want to keep them both, you’ll need to show that by letting porn go.”

he did reduce his use, but has never quit for more than a couple of weeks.

and just to pre-emptively answer the short-sighted questions: i’m young, fit, and am happy to pleasure my partner in any & every way he likes. whenever he wants. we have great sex when he’s not using, and quite good sex when he is – tho it’s much harder to satisfy him. this worries me… what will that mean down the road?

finally, we had our last discussion about it. he said: “I have lied to you about porn. And i’ve jeopardized our relationship by doing that. I’m sorry. But I’m going to keep wanting it. And I’m going to KEEP jeopardizing our relationship – I wish I were a stronger man. But the only way I’m ever, really, going to give up porn is if I’m brainwashed. I’d have to enter one of those brainwashing programs. I think that porn is healthy & natural. I want a marriage that has room for porn. That’s the kind of relationship I want. I thought you were ok with that – when we were dating, that’s what I understood.”

to me, porn has come to represent the thing that makes me feel most insecure in my marriage. his statement felt like this:

“I have lied to you about making you feel insecure. And i’ve jeopardized our relationship by doing that. I’m sorry. But I’m going to keep wanting to. And I’m going to keep jeopardizing our relationship – I wish I were a stronger man. But the only way I’m ever, really, going to give up making you feel insecure is if I’m brainwashed. I’d have to enter one of those brainwashing programs. I think that making you feel insecure is healthy & natural. I want a marriage that has room for making you feel insecure. That’s the kind of relationship I want. I thought you were ok with that – when we were dating, that’s what I understood.”

there’s so much anxiety in here from hurt women, who are trying so hard to understand and accommodate their porn-obsessed men. are they putting in a similar effort? are they staying up at night worrying about how to be “enough?” what happened to HONOUR one another?

Selfish men do not care how women feel. They certainly don’t worry about pleasing you or being “enough” for you. All they care about is getting their rocks off to porn whenever they can, and then having YOU cook their dinner and do their laundry.

That’s THEIR idea of a happy and fulfilling marriage.

As a man who dealt with an off-and-on “acquaintance” with porn, the answer to why men turn to porn is basically simple, if two-fold:
1) When you’re young and single, porn and mb–whether the soft porn of Playboy in years past or the hard porn of video and Internet– offered simple sexual release. Depending on how young, porn was even needed, as your imagination was enough.
2) When you’re older and in a relationship, porn and mb is an alternative to many things, chief among them the need to deal with the messiness of intimacy, to actually take the time and make the effort to make things work with your girlfriend, fiancee, or wife. Men typically don’t know how to do emotions and introspection–it’s a learned behavior. Porn models don’t have emotions that you have to worry about, there’s no performance issues, and you don’t have to invest anything to get a return. It’s also a very, very lonely and unfilling pursuit in the light of day.

thanks, manwithaview…

your insight makes sense. but when porn use is complicated by deception and so on, it gets messy itself. it’s my husband’s vehement defense of his consumption that i find so disturbing. like it’s his Right to view it. if all it was, was a quick fix – a no-pressure thrill – i don’t think it would “mean” so much to him nor it would worry me so.

when he can tell me that he understands i’m hurt by his behavior, but he’s going to continue to hurt me in that way… how can there NOT be more going on there? what am i supposed to DO with that?

Honestly, I really don’t understand some of you woman are offended by porn, Just because men like porn doesn’t mean there selfish, How can you be afraid of something so fake, Because the truth is those woman are fake, Men enjoy just to see something different just like us woman would enjoy watching something different once in a while, Don’t tell me those woman that have been married 20plus years don’t get tired of the same thing or same routine over and over, I see porn as something to spice things up, So if woman consider porn like “cheating” isn’t it cheating when we play with out vibrators, Because when you play with you vibrator you don’t automatically think of your husbands, or correct me if I’m wrong, I watch porn with my husband and we are perfectly happy with our relationship, and yes we have had our fights like every normal couple but not due to porn. Porn jeopardizes your marriages if you let it get to you. Okay if you don’t enjoy watching porn then really don’t but don’t punish your husbands because they don’t want to. Men have watched porn all there lives, and even if they had the most “Perfect” woman they would still watch it. How can porn hurt you? Its just a video. Honestly I would 100% rather watch porn with my husband rather than him go out and cheat on me. We don’t watch porn every time we have sex, And if your husbands become addicted a lot of time it’s the woman fault. For treating them like kids and restricting them from what they want to do. Would you let your husband restrict you from playing with yourself or from playing with your toys? Woman, what centaury are we living in? And its really so simple if it bothers you soooooo much your husbands or boyfriends watching porn, Pack up you stuff and leave! I don’t mean to be mean or childish but it’s the honest truth everything I’m saying sorry to be harsh but someone has to do it. Why don’t you worry about the more important things in life and worry less about the little things like this. You only live once so ladies make the best of it and stop depressing yourselves over something ridiculous. Best of luck to all of you and your marriages.

Suzanna, Stop being so over dramatic! And isn’t it selfish getting married to a man for his money! Isn’t it selfish when men spend all day at work while the woman stay home and then payday comes along and then the woman takes it and goes shopping with the ladies? I know a lot of woman work but even if both of you work when its both payday you get the money pay bills and whatever is leftover you call your friends “ Hey girlfriend wanna go to the mall shopping?” Isn’t that considered “Selfish”. I’m a mom of a 2yr old we work and we both graduated from college, Both have a good job no worries about bills, and we don’t have friends we believe friends ruin your relationship not porn. And when it comes payday we both enjoy it on what we want 50/50. I have a closet full of lingerie, cloth, shoes, and “toys” both his and mines and we don’t spend out lives criticizing each others ever move. And during “Alone” time baby we enjoy every single minute of it, He doesn’t expect any more of me and I don’t expect any more of him. So Suzanna maybe the selfish one is you!

Jennifer, sweetie, you completely and utterly miss the point. Its not porn that is the problem. Its that porn is being used by alot of the husbands as a vice – to avoid intimacy or as an escape from responsibilities and the reality of job, bills, marriage, being a prent and life. If my man hadnt let porn interfere with our intimacy and our marriage, I may not have this opinion about it. The truth is, its not porn that I hate so much. The truth is I hate my husband for CHOOSING porn over our marriage. But, that is and was his choice and I cannot control it. I have to move on and find what I deserve elsewhere. I tried, believe me…now its time to let go and wash my hands of the marriage. However, I will always continue to love him and will be friendly to him as he is the father of my kids and he is good with them.

Porn is his crutch because he is naive and weak. It ended our marriage but he has to love with that. Im ok,

To Hot Porn Girl,
Really?
Whats your Stage name? Maybe Ive seen ya!

Ana I’m sorry to hear that, you see I understand that you can get mad for you husband going behind you back and doing what he did because I believe that men shouldn’t be afraid of telling there wives or girlfriends the honest truth about there porn viewing, My husband used to be like that also he would go behind my back to view porn used to fill up the computer with it and then would say “ That wasn’t me I don’t know how that got there” until one very early morning I noticed him get up very slowly and went to the living room where the computer is at. So I waited 10 minutes and saw he wasn’t coming back so me slowly without making noise I got up and gently opened the door and to my surprise he was sitting on the computer chair watching porn on the internet so I immediately jump on him, argued for hours until I finally got so mad I got all his things and threw them outside, I told him to leave and told him if he would rather like watching porn instead of talking to me and telling me the truth I would rather him walk out the door and not look back, so I closed the door changed the locks and 1 day later he came back asked me for forgiveness told me “he loved me and didn’t want to lose our beautiful marriage for something fake that he didn’t love” so we talked for a while I forgave him and he swore he would never do it behind my back ever again and tell you the truth to the day of today he has never kept anything from him, and when he gets the “urge” to watch it we do it together. The point is that I understand your mad because he went behind your back and avoided intimacy with you and that he choose porn over you that’s really ridiculous of him. So if that’s the case move on with your life. But that every guy enjoys and likes viewing porn is that truth, your not going to find not one guy that doesn’t enjoy porn, Its something we all have to live by , and if we woman do not approve of our men watching porn then we have no other choice than to stay single and move on or other choice I recommend find your self a F***buddy lol, see him when you want to and then when your done with him send his a** home lol. that’s all I can I say. Good luck to you and everyone in this situation.

Jennifer,
Thx for your words. I can see that even though we dont have the same opinion – we can agree to disagree. As to all men watch porn, I dont know if thats true. But, I do know (as you acknowledged) that the issue is one of honesty, communication and trust. Once the trust is broken, its hard not to let those walls build. As to a f*** buddy, nahhh – not my style. I love sex, but I also love and respect myself so I dont NEED to have a f** buddy for sexual release. I much prefer making love, having sex or F*** a man who can look into my eyes, caress my cheek and, despite all the sexy dirty words that are cumming out of his mouth, that he loves me and cares for me. You cant get that from porn or a f*** friend. Maybe a plastic blow up doll? Lol.

LOL! yea maybe a plastic blow up doll, they never bother, they never complain, they don’t go behind your back, they don’t lie, they don’t cheat, and YOU use them when YOU want too. Maybe we all need one of those. Oh and I forgot something else they don’t watch porn.

Oh well girls , get him out of the bedroom, do you love him? are you good friends? do you like to be together? how old are you? I hate porn and delt with it for too many years, I let it haunt way too many hours of my day. But think hard about your spouse and that above. Not as a sex partner but as a person ans friend what do myou feel about your mate? Sex is important true, but it only takes up a small amout of your time and it will no matter who you are become less important as you get older. So is this person someone you married because you wanted to spend your life with ( there is a lot more to life than just sex lots more) or did you marriy this person just to have sex with for the rest of your life? I am so glad I did not divorce my hubby over the porn ( he was not totzlly obsesed but it was still a problem and hurt a lot untill I decided I wanted my friend even if he was a totlly lousy lover) We are both past our prime, we’ve grown up a lot I know real romance isn’t haveing sex after wine and roses,and he knows real sex isn’t 6 women , a truck full of toys and a goat with an audiance ( or what ever) But what we do know is that sex is just one little part of who we are and I value our friendship much more than I hate our opposing views an what “good sex” should be. Once I stopped fighting him, he lost the need to defend it and now he may once in a while dabble in it but I can tell from the history that he does it out of habit and has lost the intrest he had for it. A few min, here or there is all. Still hurtd when he does but not worth the ill feelings and fighting any more – I ignore it and we go on to more important things ( ( when we have sex it’s good now since we don’t have the fight in it from porn ) Could it be half the fun for them is that he is mentally doing a no no he may get caught for?. Kinda lke drinking once it’s legal most the fun is gone ……

Anyway I’m glad I didn’t lose my best friend and companion over porn, we have a lot of good years to spend together, figure sex doesn’t last forever, but once it’s gonr friendship does.

I guess when you say till death do us part, it doesnt mean anything. In sickness and health and porn. Nope. Forget that.

Oh well. Just leave because you are jealous of other women looking good naked.

I guess men shouldn’t think any other women are good looking except their wives.

This is to comment #284: One day your wife may grow weary of competing with all the good-looking naked women you sexually fantasize about and then she won’t “let you” anymore. She’ll probably leave you for a man who enjoys her more than he enjoys porn. But hey, at least you’ll have your porn to keep you company! So enjoy being married while it lasts, because it probably won’t last very long if you keep doing what you’re doing.

forsaking all others……

I gave my ALL to my husband, and ment it when I said the above. He made the same vows, now tell me how sticking his head in porn all night is forsaking all others?
our bodies and our hearts are the most valuable possesions we have to each other when your man or wife only use your body to be a hand replacement while they dream of others is in effect tell their so called loved spouse that they are worthless to them

hey 264 it fine to appreciate other handsom and good looking other people, thats not what porn is about and you know it. Men like you can’t understand why women feel about men and porn the way they do. When they marry you you promise they will be the only woman in your heart, life and bed. We may be in the bed physically but your minds are every where but with us. Remember the old saying “it’s the thought that counts” ? Well it’s that thought your getting off to not her and she knows it. Oh and another thing you guys are lame enough to complain thet wives lose intrest and don’t want sex anymore, well while your brain has images of sluts doing who knowws what we have images of you sittng like blobs in front of a computer or magazine looking like stupid glassy eyed perverts one hand hold ing the images your drooling over the other lost in your lap…….oh yea we sure find that a turn on …dirt prevs masterbating whats not to love……… picture your self and tell me should we feel excited?????? no way dream on STUDS YOUR NOT real men want real women, they don’t need porn to make um perk up…….. It’s a good thing some of you are good people out side the bed room cuz if it was all up to your porno sex appeal you would be s.o.l. so to say….SO TRY WHAT I SAID NEXT TIME YOUR GOING ALL VISUAL VISUALIZE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE AT THAT TIME,,, ENJOY THE GROSS CLOWN IN THE MIRROR.

I like this recession. It has cleaned up mind for a lot of people already by removing their sense of entitlement. A lot of people have learned that they are not entitled to the things they have – a nice house, a good job, a good spouse – so now they are learning to value those good things again. Unfortunately this understanding came painfully, but it was necessary. I expect the divorce rate to go down dramatically for this and the next year – because of a simple fact that people are not concerned about porn when they are concerned about what they gonna eat next month.

Me and my wife lived through a war – a real one, with deaths, tortures and misery. We lived in poverty and have worried for the food for our children. And even though we’re now veeeery far from misery (hopefully), we did not forget our past. There is no way porn or something like this would be an issue in our relationship. It is so unimportant comparing to what we went through.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but in my opinion some of you people need to learn what real hardship is. Twenty five percent of Earth population lives in misery and has no access to basics. Crying all night because your husband wanked on some stupid plastic chick in porn is just ridiculous.

(287)REAL:
You talk about us men not being studs and watching porn like blobs well what can you say about the woman that eat like cows and then asks her husbands “hunny do I look fat?” and when the husband says “hunny you have gained a little weight” you go off complaining because we are saying the truth well maybe us men won’t watch porn if some of you woman don’t let your selves go and start looking like fat cows! Leave us with our porn and we will leave you with your pizza and chocolate! We work pretty dam* hard for our money and need to spend our money on something that looks good. Sorry for being harsh but I had to say it.

So stop talking smack about us men so we don’t talk smack about you! So stop complaining like fat desperate house wifes! And for your INFO I ain’t no dam* fat blob like your husband so speak 4 yourself.

If any of you out there are seeking a real answer and are in deep despair, there is an answer.
Please, please at least visit http://www.sanon.org
While you are there, check the meetings list.
Then, commit to at least going to two meetings and check it out.
You may find, just like I did, that compulsive porn use is a disease. And in many cases, that is only the tip of the iceberg of lies that you have been living with and never known it, until one horrible day.
And divorce won’t solve it, because you will learn that there is something inside you that was drawn to that horrible disease, because you were able to mistake distance for truly being present and true intimacy.

man with a view, ahh yes blame her , shes not as perfect as the fake one. Most women who let them selves go do so because the so called man they are with can’t handle reality. After awhile we get the message and learn our place.Instead of us( the one you thought was hot but got bored with as soon as it wasn’t new any more)you prefer to let your perky hand work over your tucked under undies while they look and an image that in your mind finds you ooooh so hot and oooooh so perfect, the fake image that you can abuse or do any low life skany thing to and then believe that she just loves it. HE/you are always the biggest and hottest no room for less – in your mind. In reality you don’t know if you have what it takes , you don’t want to be bothered with the other person they might have needs and well they don’t suit you, she may not like being your perverse object of gross deeds, you might think shes had bigger, harder or or doesn’t think your mr. stud like your fake girl does. Your the type who thinks your partner should be wet and waiting, wanting nothing but to please you and disapear when YOUR done. Oh yea and all that at any time your arm get tired!!! So yea we do lose intrest, and may give up tring to to look our best for you , why should we????? You don’t care about us sexually all we are is a fill in, it’s not us in your beds it’s visions of grandure you have rotting up there. You don’t see or even really feel us , and well to be honest like I said before while your mind is filled with what you put in. Know what you guys put in our minds, you ( fat , skinny , perfct build what ever it all the same) you there undies tucked under your bubbles hand in place with a dazed idiotic glaze on your face……Oh yea thats real sexy.Oh and the work part are you reffereing to a job or in front of your computer? We work too you know , but you would have to get beyond yourself to know that and well it wouldn’t fit the porn girl image if you had to picture a woman any where but hottly waiting just to please your needs……..GET THE PICTURE????? THE ONLY ONE YOU REALLY GET EXCITED IS ATTACHED TO YOUR ARM.WAKE UP BECAUSE SOMEDAY IT WILL GET THE BEST YOU HAD TO OFFER AND NO REAL WOMAN WILL WANT YOU , AND YA KNOW THE FAKES YOU WORSHIP WOULDN’T WANT YOU ANYWAY. THE BEST YOU CAN HOPE FOR IS THAT YOUR A MAN OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM WHO IS GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE UP FOR THE HELL YOUR CAUSEING IN IT. THAT AS A FRIEND AND COMPANION YOU MAKE UP FOR WHAT YOU DEPRIVE HER OF YOU CAN’T GIVE HER IN THE BEDROOM. NO HONEY IT’S NOT ALL HER FAULT YOU CAUSED IT WITH YOUR SELFISH WAYS AND BY PUSHING HER AWAY, IF YOU PUSH IT US AWAY LONG ENOUGH WE WILL STOP BOUNCEING BACK. GOSH CAN’T YOU JUST SEE YOURSELF AN OLD WRINKLED UP MAN WITH NOTHING BUT YOUR PRON TO ROCK ON THE PORCH WITH WHEN YOUR TOY WON’T PLAY NOMORE…… IS PORN REALLY WOTH IT LONG TERM???? WE LOVE OUR GUYS AND WE NEED TO KNOW THEY WANT US, AS US FOR WHO WE ARE.

Why do you woman get so mad cuz a man is watching porn, I watch it and I love my wife very much, I still pleasure her and she is very happy with our sex life, And my wife is kind of thick , but she is thick not cuz of me, but cuz of her mouth! I love every juicy inch of her and I would never sacrifice our relationship for something so meaningless.

Some of you woman take it to the extremes either you want attention or you’re just pathetic and need something to write to pass the time. Porn is fake , how can you be angry at something that isn’t real, I enjoy it because it arouses me watching other woman having sex with other guys, but not because I wish it was me.

I am not a porn addict I control myself very much, my wife understands me. And when I watch it is us together, Would you rather your husband doing it with you or your husband doing it with another woman. Me as a man I believe, every guy in general watches point at some point and enjoys it. I also believe a lot of woman watch porn and enjoy it too. So what’s the big deal? A porn addict will never recover from watching porn and when they think they did they will fail!

Think of it this way would you really give up a marriage cuz of a DVD or video or magazine? A guy playing with him self is not a sin, and a woman playing with her self too is not a sin either. Its just human nature, there are a lot of woman cheating and watching porn behind there husbands back also.

Why do you woman get so ridiculously stup** about something fake grow up. ITS FAKE! Learn it, Live it, Love it.

men dont get it, you all seem like its not that big of a deal. my husband sneaks around and its feels like he is cheating on me. i’m open to doing most anything any time so i cant seem to understand why he would want to watch porn. i could care less what those other women look like. im comfortable with myself so it is not a jealousy thing. if you dont show your wife much attention and you go and watch porn its going to seem to her that you are stabbing her in the back.

Well, I must say that I have enjoyed this long reading. Yes, I am a porn-addict; in fact I am a sex addict. I am married and at one point I had to change or my marriage was going to end. I had to realize that the fact that porn and sex are wrong and dangerous, because as beautiful and pleasurable sex is, if you misplace it you have the danger of becoming a slave of yourself.

I will try not to extend myself. I am an MD, so you can well believe me that I am very familiar with all the chemicals that our bodies generate. In fact I am a neuron-surgeon. My wife is an architect; so we are not “uneducated people”. My wife is absolutely gorgeous. She is 37 and she looks 27. She is fun, interesting, intelligent and very sexy. A magnificent body… the type of woman that every man dreams on. But even with all that I had a problem. I was misplacing my sexuality. It started with the “innocent” look at a bikini photo on the internet with the stupid self excuse “it would look good on her”…; it develop into more “searching and looking” and eventually to desiring to masturbate. And not because my sexual life was bad (we got married 10 years ago and I must confess that her sex drive is wonderful) but because I decided to contemplate and entertain myself in a “fantasy” of desire with “pictures”. And it was not a “desire” for those women, but the same desire that an alcoholic has, that can completely dislike what he drinks yet be gratified by the alcohol in the drink and its effects in his body. The difference(if you allow me)was that the alcoholic must drink, and the pornographer must see.
But then, porn turned into a desire for more. Because porn becomes non sufficient. And I started to visit other websites that promote affairs. Of course you already know the next step. I started to meet women that were also looking for sex. At the beginning was “great”; here I am meeting two to three women a week that I can bring to my office and “do it” without entering into “affairs”. And eventually I started to look at other women as objects, and only desiring and wanting to please my own crave for sex, and even desiring good decent women that worked with me and for me.
And at one point in my life the situation turned out of control. My days were meant to be a self competition for more pleasure, to delight myself into the “anonymous land” of the internet where I could start watching videos and scheduling sex encounters. And the first thought came to my mind; “I am living two lives”. The “doc” that everybody loves, and the “man” that is a slave of his own uncontrolled body.
And one day my wife found a “photo” in my laptop. I saw her in her eyes; she was hurt. Of course I denied everything and said that probably someone at the practice had downloaded. That evening I sat down and realize that I was entering into a very dangerous game, but I my body was “asking” for its “need” and responding with its “satisfaction”.
About two months later I “got cough” one more time, and this time my wive’s reaction was plain and simple; “…you are cheating on me with these pictures…” There was no way out do deny it or to pretend what in fact was fact. She knew at that time that I was being addicted to porn. She didn’t, and will never know the rest. I had to take a serious step if I, indeed, wanted to save my marriage (by that time our sexual life was absolutely deteriorated and, my wife felt completely disrespected by my constant surfing into porn). I talk about it to a good friend and he was not nice at me (because he told me what I did not wanted to hear). After that I talked to my wife. We sat down and we share the fact that I had a problem, that I wanted to solve it and that I needed help. From there we had to take my steps. The fist ones were simple ones and logic ones. All my electronic devices that could have an internet access had an internet filter protection and only my wife knew the password. I canceled my cell phone and got one were all my minutes were shared with her, giving her full access to all my cell phone numbers. I started a sharp schedule to be home early and many other small and easy tricks… It was not easy because (I do not want to enter into medical facts) my brain was “demanding” do my body what my will was shutting down. It was not an easy battle. But it is a battle that can be won.
I have read some comments of religious character. Well, in my case religion did meant a lot. It even meant a conversion (in my case and my wives case for we converted together) to Catholicism. But it is through the truth of spirituality that you can only understand the beauty of sex in marriage and the danger of (in this case) porn and sex out of marriage.
For the ladies with husbands addicted to porn. I will be straight to you and I know that it is what you do not want to listen. Your marriage is failing. And your fault of this failure is not that you are not corresponding him, or that you are not as beautiful as the woman in that photo… and maybe by now as beautiful as “the other one” who “fulfills” his “fantasies” (that is a lie… this fulfilling fantasies is a great lie for fantasies take you away from reality; but that is another comment). You are a failure because you are not capable to be a wife and tell your husband that he is hurting you and that he is being unfaithful to you. That he is not respecting you and that he is (in cases) stealing the monies that belong to you and your children. A failure because may be none of you know each other.
Pornography is a serious problem in todays society. But this does not mean that we must slave ourselves into it. The same way we care for our bodies eating and cleaning, we must take care of our bodies in the matter of our conducts within the Natural Moral Laws.
If you are a man and a woman that is addicted to porn, you have a problem. And if you are married, your days as a married man or woman are counted, because this cancer of porn will silently spread in your family life.

(Porn-addict) I really don’t mean to be disrespectful in any way to you or any of the other men here, I just want to say my point of view to you please do not get offended by my comment but you were being a total D**k to your wife because I respect my husband decision to watch porn and I even do it with him and I also enjoy it but one thing is to watch porn and another is to go out and look for other woman, Me being your wife and finding out about your so called “desire” for other woman I would have dump you like a pile of sh** even if now your regretting what you did, There is a line that us woman put up with you guys, I don’t mind the porn, But it pis**es me off when a guy goes to the street to look for another woman. You don’t deserve a chance with your wife or any other woman because truth is once you do it you keep going back for more, Now you may think you recovered but wait a couple weeks, or months or a year.

If your wife is so perfect like you described her there was no need to go out to the street and look for another woman, you had at home what supposably every guy wanted you just gritty and wanted more very selfish of you. And trust me I don’t care how many filters you wife puts on the computer for the internet, there is a special website that I know that even with a filter you will go through to porn, My husband did it.

Porn becomes addicting if YOU let it me and my husband watch it together every once in a while his not addictive to it and neither I’m I. When we have sex we don’t watch porn every single time. I feel very sorry for your wife and to tell you if you don’t tell her the truth about what you did before with these other woman’s you will pay for it with you conscious. You will take this secret to your grave and even then you will still pay for your mistake. To start clean you must tell her the truth and if she dumps you is because you deserve it anyways, sorry to be harsh.

Your what every woman would hate to have, you should be ashamed, And to believe that you still can sit there and look at her straight in the face with no remorse. You’re a shame to woman and to all men. You made me so mad that I can probably keep writing a whole page of what I think of you. But I’m not I said what I had to say to you. Let god and your conscious take care of you. My deepest apologize to your wife poor woman has no idea what type of guy she’s with!.

Inquiry to #268 justme ( Jan 21-09 )
OR anyone whom can answer my question !

I am curious if there is any other way you can tell if he is still going to the porn sites?
You said you could tell “if the history had been erased” . How can you tell? If it has been deleted –how can you still tell if he’d been there? Does he erase most of his history anyway?
Is there another way to find this out on the computer?
We just got a new computer & totally by accident I found out the my husband had been going to porn sites. ( that answers my question of why he’d be up so late on wk-ends)
How ? Because that was the second place(s) he went on it… I noticed it was every wk-end on the new computer !!! Should have waited longer to see if he was still going.
Now I wonder “actually” how long he had been going to these sites. Wish I could get into the old computer & find out, just how much he had been truthful to me. When I first confronted him about it–he said he’d only gone a few times. But later he finally said he’d been going a few MONTHS.
I told him how this made me feel like someone stabbed my heart&tore it out. That it made me feel like a total failure.
He apologized & said he’d NEVER go again & so far he has been honest there. But having to talk with someone — I found this site & I am so amazed at how many many many others that are out there that feel as I do. (thought I was going nuts & felt like I just didn’t understand. We have been married 26 1/2 years.
and never once have I ever grown tired of him or our love making or our lively hood.
BUT going to a porn site never ever crossed my mind. I am totally happy –WHY WOULD I !
I had female surgery over a year ago, but it took longer to recovery than expected.
His excuse for going to porn sites was that it had been a long time & he was afraid he’d hurt me when making love.
I wonder now…
I had to talk & him being my BESTFRIEND I turned to him for answers to help me understand my feelings & hurt. Questions that only he could answer. He did get some what angry with me & felt I was brow beating him about it& just digging at it. Which I felt I wasn’t — I just wanted honest answers to help me cope with my feelings & where I stood..
Thanks for reading & listening.
It really does help to talk about it, but it isn’t a cure.

I just turned 30 years old and am the mother of 3 wonderful children. My new husband is 26 and we have been married going on 6 months now. I have recently found that he is surfing the porn sites. Does this bother me? YES!! Have I told him? YES!!! Does he stop? NO!!! It makes me feel as if I am not doing enough for him in bed. I try new things, I buy sexy outfits. But still after we make love, he lays there for a moment, says he can’t sleep and goes to the living room and watches porn on his laptop. How am I suppose to feel. GOOD? I think not. I feel as if what I just did wasn’t what he was looking for and now he needs a fix. He says that he has always watched it and it is nothing to him. Just like watching a movie. But if it is nothing then why lie about it and why can’t he give it up? I used to play with toys alone before he and I got together. But not now. They are gone and forgotten. Because I respect and love my husband and am completely satisfied sexually. Why can’t he realize this is really hurting me and our marriage?

(Slogan) Don’t blame yourself for your husband porn viewing habits, Its not that he doesn’t love you or that you don’t satisfy him I believe that they just do it because they like the thrill of hiding things, When I was in the same situation as you I got mad, Cried and even went to the point of divorce but then I realized is it really worth it? Anyways every guy watches porn unfortunately so you know what I say if you can’t beat him join him. Now my husband never watches porn behind my back because we watch it together so now that I allow it he won’t watch it. Its funny how guys work.

To men porn is like watching a movie. Something very normal for them. Maybe not normal for you but for them yes. What you should do is watch it together and if you believe that’s not going to work for you, Talk to him tell him you don’t want him watching these movies and if he continues then kick him to the curb!
Because I believe that in a relationship we should both trust each other no matter what’s the situation, There is always a way to work things out. But remember this you can never prohibit someone from doing something just because you don’t want them too. Because that’s were you start breaking the line. I mean unless its something weird like child molesting, or killing someone. That’s a different story. But porn men will keep watching for centaury’s to come.

You will feel awkward the first time both of you watch porn together but after a while you start getting used to it. I mean you don’t have to do it every time you get intimate with him. But everyonce in a while is okay. And trust me you learn new things from porn and at the same time it spices things up. Guys don’t care for lingerie lol or toys they like hardcore stuff. Well good luck to you and every woman in this situation and remember things are never as bad as you seem.

To (285) suzanna- First, my wife doesn’t ever have to compete with porn women. Not only is she good looking physically but she is beautiful as a wife, mom and person. Second I have NEVER EVER fantasized about any women in porn. That is the absolute truth! The thought is disgusting to me. She would never leave as i will never leave her. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Society ignores that these days though. 12+ years and it will be many more.

(297) slogan says: – If you are screwing him after sex then he wont be going to watch porn. Men want it more than most women are willing to provide.

Why are women so jealous? If you are having sex with him then he cant be looking at porn. If you see him go and pleasure him right then! If you arent able to at the time then why are you mad that he is enjoying himself. He wont care if you pleasure yourself when he isnt around!

To (my wife lets me): I understand you 100%, why would woman want to compare themselves to these nasty prostitutes, A lot of those woman either are who*es, Have diseases, and are nasty. Not all the woman in these porns have a perfect body. Correction no woman has the perfect body! We are all different in our own ways. And every woman is beautiful in there own ways. When I watch porn with my husband I don’t lay there thinking “ God I wish that guy was him” I love my husband very much. And if I play with my self he can’t get mad either, And if he asks me “ babe did you play with your self” I say yes the truth, why lie? And say no.

He can’t prohibit me from using my toys, that’s what they are there for. If he’s not around to pleasure me at the moment I pleasure myself. Call me young and naïve, call me what ever you want. But the only thought that counts to me is my husbands. And he never complains, why would he? He has everything he wants with me and I have everything I want with him. In bed I’m a total slut, And in public I’m a respectful loving mother, wife and friend. I don’t go around like some woman flirting with guys, going clubbing, or even going to bars.

I have 2 friends and that’s it. Don’t want friends don’t need friends, my best friend is my husband and my 2yr old daughter. I accept my husband and he accepts me. What more can I ask for? So bottom line stop crying stop arguing over something so small and insignificant. Live life we only live once. Are you really going to spend what ever is left of your life arguing and crying because you b/f or husband watches porn?

My husband is all confused and mad becasue of Valintines day, why should they be obligated to a stupid day BLA BLA BLA—– I say we put up with their porn, we try to fill their fantasys, play the whores for them so they can feel excited and not get bored. Sex should be for mutual excitement, if we can be your whores why can’t you once a year be our prince in shining armor? If we can let you feel like mr studly why can you treat us like southern belle and treat us to a nice romantic night where we are desireable ladies you want to make real love to not the internet man version. Touch us like you want to feel us instead of like your in a hurry to get it wet, kiss us like you want to kiss us not like you have to to shut us up, and then be With us not just on us. let us feel like a woman and not a blow up doll or some prostitute your paying for. Think about what might really turn us n not what you want to turn us on……..Sorry but looking at porn turns you on , us looking at porn turns you on, (yes we like it sometimes too but not always)

How hard is it for you to once a year to let us feel like were special like what we want is important. Allow us to feel like we are sharing sex not just doing it to each other. Lets us feel like we are what turns you on not that the ehought of what your going to do to us turns you on. Believe me there is a big difference between the two.

Porn ruins any ability to enjoy real sex with a woman that is true and from the heart. It takes the purity of it and waters it down to just what you can do different next time – always something new and better to be tried and found but you lose the ability to enjoy and share the emotional loveing part of what it should be.

Wow girls how many of yu expect that your porn lovin hubbies will actually come through with a day that will reflect what you want? I have been married enough years to know what I can expect, resentment and anger. He hates it. The closest he gets to honoring the day is to resentfully buy a card or some flowers and take the 20 seconds out to exchange them. And the only reason he does that is becasue after the first couple years were married and he never had the “chance ” to get a card I bought one for him and signed his name to it becasue as I told him if we had company I didn’t want ti be emabrrassed by just haveing my card to him on the shelf. I know thatwas very childish of me to do and believe me girls it’s good for a fight.
Well my thought on it now is if I’m importsnt enogh for the card to come from the heart he won’t rush out the morning of and cover his ass by getting be a cord out of resentment, he will have actually taken time out to do so becasue he felt it was worth a few minutes out of his day to think about makeing me feel important enough to be botherd with. If he does it out of pressure I DON”T WANT IT !!!!!

We girls try all year to have them want us over porn, to fill fantasy for them, why can’t they one day concider us and our desires to be special enough for them to try and fill some of our fantasys? You know wine and flowers, kisses and forplay followed by love making instead or beer and watch porn followed by a good ole F***ing ????
Then again they could do like my hubby does wait till, I go to the store or bed you know basically just get out of his way so he can honor his favorite valenitne without the distraction of me getting in the way……. It’s funny there are times when he actually gets one line ,straight to porn before I HAVE TIME TO REACH THE CORNER. It makes me feel like I’m an intruder in my oun home, like I should find reasons to get out if the way. Like he can;t wait ti GET RID OF me so he can see his true love……

Oh well better get the beer in the fridge , I’m sure I’ll need a couple extra to numb my attitude and keep me from showing my real feelings about his neglect, remove myself from the reality of it and just center my thought on the basic sex of it, at least then I get something out of it. If all you expect is to get F****ed then you are not disappointed.

Someone please tell me what I am to think about my situation. We have been married almost 8 yrs. and I caught my husband masterbating to porn with in a year of our marriage. He told me it was because my weight repulsed him. Off and on over the last eight years Ive caught him numerous times masterbating. Recently I caught him again and ask him WHY??? He said This time he said it is because he gets more gratification from porn that sex with me. Our sex life never really recovered from the first comment about my weight. The intimacy is zero-zero. He even told me sooner or later he would run upon someone that would give him hot and senual sex. His first wife told me he was cheating on her in two years of their 25 yrs. toghether. He is 60 yrs. and he has explained to me that he wants a lonnnng protracted love making session and that he is not getting that from me but he never initates and acts not interested when a I do. I think he has viewed porn for so long that he has really lost touch with what real sex is like between two real people. What do you guys think??? Please give me feed back.

Sorry Maria to hear what happened to you. Sorry to tell you the truth but what makes you think if he was unfaithful to his first wife he won’t be with you. In part its your fault for not having sex, and if your over weight why didn’t you lose it, Not just for him but more importantly to you! If you let a man walk all over you then he will do it . Don’t put up with that bastar*s crap. Move on, I have seen that there is no respect anymore in relationships. No respect what so ever. How sad.

Me and my husband respect each others decisions 100%, Can’t complain for valentines day I got a romantic dinner, a card and flowers in the restaurant, It came out of him to do it. I’m sad to hear that some of your husbands didn’t do nothing for you. You woman are with guys that honestly don’t deserve you! Sorry to say that your with good for nothing men! Ladies you have to learn how to stand up for yourselves what centaury are we living in. We are not the little woman that used to get beat up and smack around like back in da days! Now a days it should be the other way around! LOL I make my hubby clean and cook atleast twice a week or else lol!

to My Wife Lets Me, if my husband wants more from me he knows that all he has to do is ask. At times i want it more than he does. the problem is that after we make love he doesn’t say he wants more. he DOES finish, and seems to be satisfied. but then goes and watches the porn. he doesn’t masterbate to it. so i really don’t know why he watches. as far as my sex drive is concerned, i am in over drive. so it has nothing to do with the frequency. it is about his addiction.

(301) ********** says:—-Valentines day is stupid. Your woman should be special EVERY day and not just once a year. I send my wife flowers/chocolates/balloons at various times for no reason other than i love her. I sent a singing telegram last summer. (Got her good!) Showing your wife you love her is not a duty, its something you do from the heart, everyday, all year.—-Porn does not ruin sex with my wife. I love it all and she does the best she can (frequency) and i love her for it. We have real love. Not porn crap. We both enjoy it. It is totally emotional and loving. Why would i imagine porn when having sex when i have the best woman/wife in the world right there? I know most men probably dont think this way though. Sad really.

(305) slogan says: I am sorry to hear that. You deserve a man who wants you not for sex, but because he loves you and dreams about you. It seems that porn has created a rift in your marriage.

12 years and still going strong. I am laying beside her now and she is asleep. I will kiss her softly and then dream about her after i have fallen asleep.

There is a porn “MOVIE” I recommended to couples, This is an actual movie its called “Pirates Stagenttis Revenge” I think its really good, But don’t rent it in blockbuster because it has no porn!. Buy it ,burn it and watch it together with your hubbys, This is a movie you will both enjoy! Both men and woman will enjoy. Trust me!

To (My life lets you) I agree with you 100% valentines day is just a stupid day for companies to make extra money. A man or a woman should show there love everyday of their lives to each other, Not only with a stupid balloon or candies on a specific day you show it with your heart not your wallet, Some people really don’t appreciate the small things in life.

If you have a man that all he does is drink beer and watch porn than there is no need to be with such a guy like that. Because everyone deserves better! Thank god for the man I’m with, excellent father, excellent husband and excellent lover . He watches porn with me once a while and is not scared to confront me with any situation.

ok…for all you women who want to show your man how you feel….heres a lil tip..its up to you if you want to use it. It worked for me.. My boyfriend USED to watch porn but stopped because he wanted to only bcuz of me. He would also use the excuse of..” you hardly wanna have sex…blah blah blah” so when i found out that he was watching porn i kindly asked him to stop..he told me he would till i caught him red handed. So i let it go for a while and thought of a way i could let him know how i felt about it and let him feel it too! (this may seem harsh at first but ladys we didnt get our rights to vote by being nice or letting things go…so get some balls and stand up and defend your self..when it has to do with defending yourself everything goes!) So I started watching it with him.. and everytime id catch him i would tell him not to take it off that it was ok..and i would sit next to him. if he wanted to have sex i would agree.. it stayed like this for a week and one day we were watching it and he got real excited and wanted to do it… and when we were getting undressed he turned off the tv..(witch he never did the other times) and i asked why he did that..he told me just cuz he dosnt need it…but i turned it on and said well maybe I DO..he asked if i like the guys and i denied it like the men do.. the next day i went to the room where we would watch it and he was watching cartoons..i asked if he wasnt going to put the “shows” on and he said no..i told him to put it on cuz i wanted to watch it..he did and left i locked myself in the room (like he would when he did his own thing) and changed the channel but i let him think that i was still watchin it..instead i put on a movie i never finish seeing…TITANIC. (cool movie by the way).. that night he told me he wanted me to stop watching the movies..when i asked why he just laughed and said…”ok.., i get it. now i know how you felt when you would ask me to stop watching those movies”..so i canceled it from our direct TV. and now get more discovery channels that anything else… So you see hard work does pay off…it will be uncomfortable at first but at the end it will all be worht it…OH and dont tell him you did it on purpose cuz then he will try to compete against you and youll end up breaking up…Im now happily married with one baby girl and me and my hubby have been closer than ever!!!! GOOD LUCK CHICAS…later.

(308) Honey says: –> Maybe its me, but i have a hard time following exactly what you were saying, but here is something from my marriage.

I could ask my wife for it constantly, and i did for the first maybe 8 years. Yeah- she gets super duper annoyed, but thats not why i do it. She then decided that when i asked she would tell me to masturbate. I have done it right there in the same room while she watches TV or whatever.

It doesn’t make her horny or mad. But she is glad when i am relieved and i stop asking for a few hours. (And ladies, it is a relief. It is like a water pipe ready to burst sometimes. It needs to come out!)

We have had kids for 10+ years. I am sure that has something to do with lack of desire. Plus it is tiring being a Mom! Also she has had bad endometriosis for as long as i can remember. Lots of surgeries! They have to do one about every 9 months to burn out the crap. So basically, this can cause her a lot of pain during intercourse. During pregnancy pre/post and surgeries, when able, she has taken care of me other ways. But she is not always in the mood. I get it. I love her all the same. And i love that she loves me enough to let me enjoy myself even when she cant participate.

She’ll call home and say “What are you doing?” I’ll say “Jacking-off”. She says: “Are you really?”, in a joking happy manner. It isn’t ever true though. Just playing with her!

Those ladies, while pleasurable to view naked, do not compare to my wife!

I need help!!!! My hubby says he loves me he says that I sexually pleasure him but the problem is that why when i get naked for him and give him oral pleasure his thing dosn’t go up. But then I put a porn just the thought of a porn gets him rock hard why? I think he dosn’t care for me sexually anymore.

I am a newlywed and I enjoy porn myself but I noticed on my husbands computer recently that he does it while im home sleeping! We have a very good sexual relationship and its a lot( 3-4 times a day usually) so i dont understand the need for porn. I dont care if he uses it when I am gone but when I am there why doesnt he just wake me up? I confronted him and explained I knew he was doing it and it really hurt me and he just said he like to watch it, he didnt masturbate, and it was no big deal. I know he loves me very much but it makes me feel like Im not good enough and I am not conceded but I am an attractive person I just dont know…

competition from the porn gals their husbands watch, I’ve got a question. Would you mind then if he watches gay porn? There are no girls to “compete” against, so this should make you feel more secure, right?

And how it happens that you do not feel competition from mainstream movies? Kate Zeta-Jones looks much better than most plastic porn stars, and was #86 the 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2006. Is your husband allowed to watch Ocean Twelve?

(311) annonymus :

If you have read all the posts before yours you will come to realize a couple of things:

1. Even if you were the girl(s) in the porn video, and did all the things the girl(s) in the porn video(s) does (i.e, having sex with a dog, being raped by your grandfather) he would still watch porn. Why? Because doing bad things feels good and it is quicker to get off.

2. Porn is a progressive thing. It’s not the porn itself that is offensive, it’s what it leads to. Viewing pictures leads to watching video. Watching video leads to chatting with other women. Chatting with other women leads to sites that give you access to people who want to have sex with you then and there, in your own local area. And the problem with all this is that it is a proven fact that when men are horny, they do stupid things, and you can bet those stupid things include your worsts fears.

“I confronted him and explained I knew he was doing it and it really hurt me and he just said he like to watch it, he didnt masturbate, and it was no big deal.”

Of course it is no big deal to him. Does a serial killer think it is a big deal to kill someone? Would a rapist admit to his victim that what he is doing is wrong? Do alcoholics readily admit that what they are doing hurts their family?

And, of course it has no meaning. You can say life in general doesn’t have any meaning.

So at this point, you need to ask yourself, what is better, being single, or being married forever wondering what he is getting himself into now. Forever wondering, if he has crossed more lines to infidelity.

The way I see it is that you have a couple of options:

1.Tell him to stop, and be lied to (because of course he isn’t going to stop)

2. Tell him to give you a heads up before he does (which he has already proven is not an option, as you said, you like porn too) and wait around to see how far he progresses to infidelity.

3.Get divorced

4. Take yourself along the same path he is taking himself down; watching porn by yourself, being sneaky about it, let yourself mind-f**K all the men you meet.

I myself, am choosing a middle ground. I am letting my husband go down the path of infidelity while warning me with a ‘hey I’m going to get off now’ and planning on getting divorced after I get out of school.

I would rather be single for the rest of my life then continue to be treated like a piece of garbage.

I’ve come across other forums like this one and have come to the conclusion that in every case,

no matter how sexy,and no matter how willing the woman is to please her man, the guy will still look at porn no matter what.

And, posts which say, “oh, just join him. Just act out what he likes.” No! I don’t think so. I don’t think I’m going to let a dog fuck me in the ass. I don’t think I’m going to let my grandfather rape me.

But I have also found a site with some really great information. Here is an insert:

”
Whether your partner’s addiction involved affairs, prostitution, molestation or ‘just’ masturbation or ‘just’ porn…you have lost a part of yourself as a result. A part of your innocence, your esteem, your stability, your ability to trust, your ability to invest yourself, your ability to experience intimacy: all of these values have been damaged in one way or another. And these are just a few of the inevitable consequences–you will explore many more in the lessons to come. Your healing depends on your ability to recognize these consequences and reverse the damage that has been done–sometimes with scars, sometimes leaving values stronger than they have ever been. Your healing must begin with reclaiming your life. Reclaiming your identity. Taking back what has been taken from you. It cannot begin by you trying to understand/control/support his addiction/recovery. In fact, you would do well to suspend any pressure you may have to make decisions on the fate of your relationship until you have rebuilt what has been damaged. Healing requires you to build a foundation for your life that is NOT dependent on the success of your partner’s recovery. The workshop will walk you through this process, but it is important to know why you are doing it. It is because it is in YOUR best interest to do so. This is about YOU, not your partner and not your partner’s addiction.”

Here is the site:
http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/s1l1.htm

Oh, and something else from the site that was helpful was this check list for “warning signs of possible sex addiction”
http://www.recoverynation.com/main/WarningSignsBrochure.pdf

It is said that, “This checklist may help identify a pattern in your partner’s
behavior that fits a general description of sexual
addiction/obsession/compulsion. Most of the individual
behaviors listed here are not in and of themselves
indicative of addiction. But altering a lifestyle because
of them, keeping secrets, and negatively affecting others,
makes it part of a destructive pattern. One to two
“hits” in over 50% of the categories indicates you
should be seeking more information”

Oh, and this is good too. And it may help those poor fools like my husband understand why porn is like cheating:
[edit by Sheri – source: http://recoverynation.com/partners/s1l1.htm

“Your life and your relationship will forever be affected by the memories of this trauma. Even with the decision to end this relationship–all future relationships will be affected. Trust–a value that is decimated by sexual addiction, yet required for intimacy–will no longer play a stabilizing, comforting role in your relationship. Instead, it will become a major source of conflict throughout the healing process. Previously healthy sources of fulfillment such as family, friends, your sexuality, financial stability, your career, your priorities, your life decisions, social events (e.g. television, the pool) become instant sources of potential conflict, instability, shame, anger, secrets and lies. Add to this the reality of having lost the ideal of the person you have been sharing your life with and you can see what a tremendous, complex effort your healing entails.”

and we talked about it. She said she is being hurt by the facts that porn allows me to get satisfied without her participation, that porn lowers her self-worth because she cannot compete with the body shape and age of those actresses, and she feels that when I get orgasms watching porn, I’m attracted to machine and not to her. The explanation that sometime I want a sexual release while she is too tired, not in mood or simply not here was not considered acceptable, and she said that in the marriage we have to bring our desires down if the partner does not want it. So we discussed it, she said porn is hurting our relationship and we must get rid out of it.

Next morning I found a vibrator in her drawer, and we talked about it as well. I told her that I am being hurt by the facts that a vibrator allows her to get satisfied without my participation, that it lowers my self-worth because I cannot compete with the size and stamina of a lot of modern vibrators, and I feel that when she gets orgasms using vibrator, she’s attracted to machine and not to me. The explanation that sometime she wants a sexual release while I’m too tired, not in mood or simply not here was not considered acceptable either, and I reminded that according to her own words in the marriage we have to bring our desires down if the partner does not want it. So we discussed it, I said the is hurting our relationship in the same way porn does.

Since we support gender equality, we agreed that we must treat those issues equally, and either ban both or allow both. So we decided to allow both. I know she wasn’t really happy with it, but she wanted to keep her toys. If I don’t keep mines, then it would make us unequal – which, in her opinion, would hurt our relationship much more than all porn together combined.

http://www.shelleylubben.com/index.php?truth=porn

1) A lot of porn is RAPE.
Most of these women are FORCED to commit the most humiliating sexual acts for money which is RAPE.
It may not be kidnapped on the street and raped there….but it is rape especially psychologically.

Women are kept as sex slaves and live in cramped rooms where they are abused and forced to ‘act’.
These men purchase make up etc for them so they appear ‘normal looking’ and ‘willing’. They are used, exploited in the most heart wrenching manner and then passed on to another set of ‘filmers’….the rings of men who collaborate.
They cannot escape, their lives are threatened.

Human trafficking is REAL and a MAJOR source of getting these women, especially in Columbia.

Asian, Korean and Russian women (slavs) are often raped initially and then threatened to have the videos shown to their families who will disown them if they don’t agree to ‘act’.
Poor families in this part of the world often send or sell their daughters off to these ‘rings’ of men who pay them very very little and abuse them to make them act as though they are willing to engage in these sexual acts. They are sex slaves.

2) Not all of porn is rape.

They are ‘porn stars’ both male and female who make good money and may even enjoy it. But it is the subjugation of women that facilitates porn. These women are portrayed as OBJECTS to be exploited.