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Sheri Stritof

Is Your Husband Not Interested in Sex?

By January 7, 2008

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If so, you are not alone according to author Michele Weiner-Davis.

The term "sex starved wife" was in the news quite a bit with the release of Michele Weiner-Davis's new book, The Sex Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire.

Out to bust the myth of men being more highly sexed than women, Davis wants women to realize they are not to blame and that they are not alone in not getting enough sex in their marriage. She reportedly explains in the book the reasons men lose interest in sex and offers tools, methods, and advice on dealing with this issue.

Have any of you read the book yet? How would you review it?

Poll:
     Do you have a low sex marriage? Vote!

Related:
     Signs of a Low Sex Marriage
     Before You buy Sex Advice Books

Comments
January 10, 2008 at 10:57 am
(1) katy says:

My husband and I have only been married 6 months. He went into a depression since he is now 150 miles from his son. We thought his son would move too. So intimacy, alone time,sex, has been put on the “back burner”. No honeymoon phrase happenin’ here.

August 18, 2008 at 5:07 pm
(2) Mick says:

I’m in a NO sex marriage and it’s the fault of both of us. She was trim and in great shape when we first married. She gained 65 pounds in the first year of our marriage, often eating two and three servings at every meal. I totally lost interest in sex with her then, never again initiating. As shallow as it sounds, I find obesity a total turn-off. Since then, she has packed on another 145 pounds with no end in site. I don’t discuss her wight with her; it’s her choice, but I have NO interest in having sex with her ever again. I have been completely loyal otherwise, treating her with respect and providing financially, but that’s it. I’d rather be doomed to this life of celibacy than having to see her in the nude, or worse, have to pretend to be aroused by her.

September 1, 2008 at 10:41 am
(3) Chalis says:

I think there is some reason she has gained so much weight. It could be medical, emotional. Have you looked at the aspect that maybe you did this to here, maybe u didn’t make here feel sexy, maybe you looked at other women when the two of you were together. Maybe she didn’t feel good enough for you. I think you should talk to her and she why she eats so much. Maybe you can work as a team and help her loose weight. Mick I think you are shallow and I think when you marry someone, you marry them for better or worse and Man, I think you checked out a long time ago. It’s time to make a change and take a look at yourself and see how you can be a better husband and talk to you wife.

September 9, 2008 at 9:48 am
(4) Sviata says:

My husband testosterone level is low, so im hardly ever satisfied. He says its because he is tired, has no energy or just stressed. He works 3 times a week so he cant be tired unless his computer games are sucking all the energy out of him. Im really bummed, looking for ways i can raise his testostrone level without him knowing because he doesnt want to take or even do anyhting about it.

September 20, 2008 at 1:54 pm
(5) Tori says:

My husband of 1 year likes to have sex with me. at least I THINK he does. Either way, it’s just the shoulder tap kind of sex. Nothing more spicy than the occasional grunt. When we met, he knew i was a sexual person but now we are just going thru the motions. Very depressing. I’ve taken to not even wanting to have sex, and that’s a total about face to my personality. So now, its a sexless marriage, and I’m thinking divorce because whenever I bring it up (verrry carefully), it’s MY problem, never to be discussed again without another long fight.

October 6, 2008 at 7:36 am
(6) Janice says:

I can’t wait to get my hand on this book. I’ve 6 months married to the sweetest and most amazing husband, but who unfortunately is also chronically tired, low energy, etc. Sex maybe 1/month if I ask nicely or buy special lingerie. Even with many open heart to hearts and a promise to make things better, there’s no change. I want to respect him as much as possible, but I’m so sad inside. Thankfully it seems I’m no alone.

October 15, 2008 at 2:13 pm
(7) Molly says:

we’ve been marriaged 6 months……and I have been wondering what’s going on. We do have sex but maybe once in 2 weeks and there is such a drop in his interest level, I just don’t get it. I don’t know if it is the way I look, or if its because he’s miserable feeling low. we discussed this several times…..he just tells me that he is stressed that it is what it is….he just doesn’t feel it anymore. what on earth is that supposed to mean. everywhere i look…anything I read…I just hear that…this is BAd BAD BAD news…especially for young newly weds. But at least reading this makes me feel like I’m not the only one facing this situation.

October 16, 2008 at 12:33 pm
(8) Kristy says:

Oh man I’m ALSO glad I found this site. I’ve only been married for six months as well. I have another concern besides the fact that my husband doesn’t want sex. When we’d been married only a month I found out he’d been looking at some gay porn. He’d apparently had a problem with it for many years and had been on again off again. He hasn’t looked at it since he realized he could lose his marriage over it, and I’m positive he’s been honest with me. But we’ve never had a crazy active sex life. He said he “couldn’t really feel anything” on our honeymoon, and we chalked it up to bad lube. But he still doesn’t really feel much when we do it, and says it doesn’t blow his mind like he thought it was supposed to. What I’m worried about is that he’s just not attracted to me because I’m a woman! What if he is more attracted to men and since he’s been depriving that curiosity he gets less and less interested? We’ve talked openly and had heart to hearts, he says he wants to see a sex therapist cuz he knows it’s just not right. I think his testosterone levels may be low, because he complains of being too tired or stressed to perform. He seems to have erectile disfunction sometimes because he’ll go soft in the MIDDLE of intercourse. WHAT do I do?

November 23, 2008 at 8:54 am
(9) Cheryl says:

I’m married to a very attractive, charismatic man. When we met there were 4 other women (for loss of a better word) stalking him. He was interested ‘only’ in me. We’ve been together more than 5 years. He is extremely romantic . We have comments from strangers how nice it is that we hold hands. He even kissed me once in Home Depot and had people applaud. I’ve also gained 40lbs and feel very unsexy. (I’ve always been self conscious of my body; but was in great shape when we met) He’s had a health issue in his youth that makes orgasm sometimes painful. He tells me that he’s atracked to me; but we end up falling asleep. I often feel he’s avoiding sex as much as he can without hurting my feelings.
I’m also shutting down. I can’t even remember what desire feels like anymore.

December 29, 2008 at 7:59 am
(10) pastfirst says:

There are different causes for lack of libido in men. Low sex drive could be caused by medication (which could be changed to a medication that doesn’t have this effect), or stress. Or he might be having an affair.
Discuss the problem. Let him know you’re unhappy with the situation.
Perhaps he’d agree to see a sexologist!
Try and find a solution without putting a strain on your marriage.

January 1, 2009 at 3:30 pm
(11) Angelo says:

I’m in the same situation as Mick (#2 above). Women need to realise the values of majority of men and women differ when it comes to a sexual relationship. Most men value an ‘attractive’ partner. This often translates to a ‘normal’ weight range, and the opposite (obese) may be a turn off.
It’s not being shallow needing an attractive body on your partner. Women need romance and affection, men need sexy and attractive.
Many women live in denial of this fact.
You’re not alone Mick. Most men in our situation leave their wives, and if it wasn’t for our kids, I’d be one of them…

January 1, 2009 at 10:39 pm
(12) sandy says:

So, Angelo & Mick- What about the man losing his shape. I understand men want sexy yada,yada & all that- But, shouldn’t a woman expect the same from the man she married. My husband & I have been married/together for 18 years and both of us have lost our svelte atheletic build. However, I have had 3 boys all c-section. I am trying to do something about it & have lost a total of 40+ lbs from my last pregnancy- If I lose another 30- I will be back to my pre baby weight. I know I am still attractive b/c some of his friends have hit on me. What I don’t understand is why my own husband has very little to do w/ me in the bed. I am open to just about anything (as long as it’s not dangerous or involve another person) I desire him despite his being overweight. All I know is that I am very horny at this time having had no sex for months and feel like I am about to bust. How do sexless marriages cope? I don’t believe in tossing in the towel just b/c there’s no sex. He is a good guy, loving father, provider and I find him very good looking & of course, I LOVE HIM. BUT, I am just saddend by my sexless life. I have talked to him about it and he thinks his manness is inferior to most men. I admit he is not a RON JEREMY or PETER NORTH but, I don’t care. My husband penis size truly has never mattered to me- it’s what he’s been able to do w/it- Although, lately there has been no sex.
Does anyone know out there if many years of excessive pot smoking would hinder male performance? Anyways, it’s good to know I am not the only one out there that is married in a sexless relationship.

January 3, 2009 at 9:41 am
(13) Will says:

To all. Our biggest problem is all the toxins and junk in our food. Not to mention the hormones and chemicals that have an estrogen like affect. They are causing the feminization of men and over feminization of women. And I won’t even go over the GMO’s out there. Have you every wondered why girls are developing so fast and early. The worst part is that the people who are doing this know exactly what they are doing. We are just being bombarded with toxins from the food we eat to the tap water we drink. The info is out their. You should read the natural cures books that we saw advertised on TV. The best thing that we can do is eat foods that are as close to nature as possible. But that will be very expensive.

January 5, 2009 at 9:57 am
(14) Me says:

It is funny how all men can talk about or think about it sex, then when it comes down to do they can’t please their wives

January 6, 2009 at 3:21 am
(15) alanna says:

(13)Will-why are girls developing so fast and so early? hormones in our food have nothing to do with it, if that is what you were thinking. human biology says the female body is set to develop (breasts, menstrual cycle, etc.) when the female body hits a certain weight. this weight is based on genes and changes from female to female. for example, lets say that lucy will start to develop when she reaches 100 lbs. well, if lucy eats a lot of fast food and doesn’t exercise, she could reach 100 lbs at the age of 7. If, on the other hand, she is very active and doesnt eat a lot of candy/soda/fast food, thus keeping most of the wight off until she is 14, then she wont start to develop until she is 14. now, lets say that she weighs 200lbs when she is 20 and decides to lose lots of weight. if she were to suddenly drop below the 100lbs mark for her body then she would start to loose things, like her menstrual cycle. why? because her body has predetermined at this weight she is not fit to have children. -anorexic’s have this problem- females develop when there bodies have enough fat for child bearing. children eat more now days, they gain weight faster and this makes them develop sooner. that’s all, evolution. obliviously, none of this has anything to do with the low sex drive of husbands. i apologize for wasting the time of the other readers.

January 12, 2009 at 11:38 pm
(16) Kate says:

Alanna, thank you for your intelligent comments. I have never heard that explanation. It makes perfect sense and can be proven scientifically. I am curious if you happened upon this blog in error, or like many other readers, benefit from the reassurance of knowing others have similar struggles but feel vulnerable sharing?

January 25, 2009 at 9:00 pm
(17) Yesi says:

I had a c-section with my first baby 4 weeks ago, and both of us wants to have sex, I already made a move many times, and he doesn’t want to have sex, he said he wants to take care of me and wants to wait for the diet (40 days) b/c doesn’t want to hurt me and body, but I can’t wait, I know he masturbates but I can’t. I lied and told him Dr said it was OK to have sex (not hard), but he said NO, I’m scared that he might cheat or something, b/c many woman says that man cheats during these times.

February 1, 2009 at 10:25 pm
(18) skeeter says:

oysters are said to up testosterone levels, just a tid bit for those interested.

February 2, 2009 at 5:08 am
(19) Married and Lonely says:

I have been married for almost two years. Before we got married, my husband hid behind his religion not to have sex before marriage. However, I fell for the old farce of “if will change once we get married”…it didn’t. My husband and I are both on anti-depressants (him for the umpteenth time, me for the first) and I know that has an effect on libido. But it does NOT make me feel any better because I know that his libido is just as low without the medication. I am also considering divorce, because I find myself resenting my husband even if he does treat me well in many other aspects of our relationship. I am just lonely and hartsore. Thinking of extremes like: I hope he’s cheating so I can leave him and not feel bad.

February 7, 2009 at 3:27 pm
(20) Heather says:

with response to “Mick” of Aug.18,2008…WHY do you stay married?? I was in a similar situation and have moved on from that marriage as I am a believer that ” I am only here for a one round trip…there are no dress rehersals living life…Be the happiest you can be ALWAYS and don’t just settle!!

February 12, 2009 at 3:12 pm
(21) Renee says:

I think a lot of the dissatisfaction that many males have with their wives changing physique is that they view phony images of people who are 16-20, who though thin, firm and attractive enough, then have their bodies covered in make-up, the body held in unnatural positions to make their bottom appear to be more or less, often times their breasts are taped up, if they don’t have artificially augmented breasts, to make them appear to be perkier, then lighting and camera angles are professionally adjusted to benefit the image. But that’s not enough, the images are touched up to increase or decrease areas of the bodies and faces, and given special effects of shadowing or glazing all to create a “perfect” female ll designed to sell, creating an expectation in males AND females which ends up cheating them out of the true joy of a meaningful sex life with their spouse. I think a lot of women compare themselves to this artificial standard and can tend to give up on trying to maintain their best realistic body shape, because they feel their man wants that artificial perfection and they can never give it…yet they want to to know he thinks they are the most beautiful woman to him and they know they aren’t, so they often times eat to fill that emotional void…one pleasure substituted for another, yet always accompanied with the pain of knowing you can never live up to those images in your man’s eyes. So, it’s up to the man to tell his wife that he knows those images are phony and that her body is the sexiest body to him when at it’s normal/healthy weight. And there are ways to encourage weight loss without saying “you are disgustingly ugly…go lose weight”…encourage activity together, like walks, and come up with some healthy food and snack ideas, telling her you want to begin caring for both of your heart’s health. And don’t bring addictive garbage foods around!

February 14, 2009 at 6:45 pm
(22) AlsoLacking says:

My husband of almost 5 years right after we were married produced the proverbial blue pill prescription..kept it secret the 3 years we dated. He said he cant do anything then after we were married,,POOF,,no more sex. We are growing farther and farther apart everyday and today being Valentines day I don’t even want to do anything anymore with him. I know Im not alone in this….talking to him about it only makes him mad..have tried numerous times……maybe time to walk away…Id rather be alone than frustrated.

February 20, 2009 at 5:51 am
(23) iva says:

I have been married less than 2 years and start with it was really good,last 6 months due to stress at work and such he completely lost interest.we wer hot and cold,usually my initiative i even gave him some time ..but wer so hurt because all of the fight we had its so hard to cope.i want to have fresh start but i dont know how to get him back,im doing everything i can.helpppppp

March 12, 2009 at 10:14 am
(24) M says:

I have been married for 7 months – and its pretty crap. I think we argue every few days and then its always my fault. My husband doesn’t want to have sex with which he then says is because I am forcing myself onto him – I am 45 kilos and he is 90! He started going off sex,soon after I moved in with, but the sadest part is he has bragged about his sexual past. Threesomes, one night stands, even prostitutes and escort girls. I am a fool and can no longer take it, he is 41 and I’m 35. I am more depressed than ever – how can someone marry you to treat you like this and still say they love. I married for love, but would tell no one to do this – my heart is broken and I have no where else to go, having left my home, country and job for him. If he was having an affair it would mean he at least still felt something but he just doesn’t, like someone said before _- I don’t know what desire feels like anymore and I think I my love is the same feeling as pain..

March 17, 2009 at 1:57 am
(25) C says:

Glad to find this little forum. I have only been with my guy for a couple of months but, we are already off to a frustrating start. I really care for him already, he is the perfect guy in so very many ways – but I just don’t know if this is something I can live with. I have a very high sex drive and am just not used to having to be pushy this soon in a relationship. I know sex isn’t everything, but it is important. If he doesn’t see a doctor to help him figure out what is going on (he swears he is very attracted to me) I just don’t know if I’m up to spending my prime years (I’m 39) being frustrated, feeling inadequate, and dealing with that special kind of loneliness these issues cause.

March 17, 2009 at 11:20 pm
(26) alisenn says:

my boyfriend (56 years old) moved in with me and we have a sexless partnership. He claimed i was his gf and he loved me and when he moves in we’re going to be open with each other and tried to get me addcited to the idea of sex.. but when he moved in he said he was going to be my maid and there was going to be ‘no sex.’ This made no sense..we’ve never had a sex life a honeymood period…nothing…im a virgin and he refuses sex with me. Then he makes me beg and do strange things for any kind of affection or sexual things…still does not give me affection or interaction until he has sucked the life out of me with sick odd demands…wearing make up high heels lingerie.. does not sleep with me or in a bed with me or at night…will not allow me to. He’s living at my place paying no rent…and literally has me chasing him for sex wihle he rejects me…im very attractive and he doesn’t want me…that was shocking enough even worse…then he seemed sexually interested in my cats…and I was 98% sure he was molseting or doing something sexual to them…first it was one then the other…ie he’s having an affair with my cats–this isn’t a joke or exaggeration and made numerous remarks @ it and sexual remarks about the cats…I was shocked horrified…didnt believe it was happening…a man rejecting a beautiful woman and sexually into her cats? would tell me to ‘go to bed’ or leave the house ie…to get with the cats? it’s so horrifying I can’t believe it…he gets so turned on by the cats, while in the presence of them…I’m in shock…as if how can this be possible…then rejects me…refuses to even touch me…literally no contact…then makes me suffer for a hug or any physical contact…highly abusive sick weird…insane… ive never heard of this before…this guy had asked me to marry him…I’m thinking marry him…he wont sleep in bed with me…won’t touch me hug or kiss do anything with me and I think eh’s molesting my cats and leaves the house to cheat on me…what kind of horror of a nightmarefest is this…and to a beautiful virgin who’s sexually open and wants anything/everything…who’s young and he’s older… is this guy mentally ill…ive never heard of something so sick in my life…and to witness it occurring right in your life…he’s into everyone except his ‘girlfriend’ and wont touch her …and there was never any kind of sexual period at all…

March 17, 2009 at 11:43 pm
(27) alisenn says:

also to add to the previous comments i left..in lieu of the weight thing.. I am very attractive thin model very hot…and the man still has no sexual interest in me yet, will jerk off to my pictures…so men can be with very attractive women and still be completely uninterested in them and ni this case…interested in animals. Also..I’ve witnessed this man seem to get turned on by men…is most likely bisexual…and into fetishes…heels, porn, etc the difference is he’s not ‘not interested in sex’ he hits on anyone around…and gets off masturbating or cheating…he’s just a sex addict who is depriving his ‘girlfriend’ sadistically and has had and still has a lot of sex in his life… not sure what to make of people like this…

March 26, 2009 at 10:45 pm
(28) Ugh says:

My husband and I have been married a month and a half and have only had sex 4 times…the last being 3 weeks ago. I know he loves (he tells me constantly) but I need physical intimacy, too. I’m afraid to broach the subject for fear of hurting his feelings. Or maybe it’s that I’m afraid that I’ll find out he isn’t physically attracted to me anymore.

March 27, 2009 at 8:40 am
(29) Jennifer says:

Me and my husband have been married for just a short period. (5 months)
And i haven’t gined nor lost any weight. I am a big woman, im 5’9 and weight about 210 pounds, and he is 6’0 and .. about 180 he isn’t skinny, but very inshape, when we got married the first night,was the first time we had sex, and… it was hard for him to get it .. up… I first thought maybe it was me, but.. i am sure now that it was only stress for it being his first time. I understood and thought it would get better, well in one aspect it did he can get it hard but he doesn’t really find it…. fun. i mean its only one position all the time. (him ontop. ) we tried to be ontop but, honestly i don’t know how to “ride” and we tried ” doggie” but i am to short for him to do it that way, so.. help which ways can i make it not feel like a task but make it fun for him? i love him and he loves me, he new the size of me before i got married so im pretty sure thats not it, and i knew it would be his first time (religious beliefs) so… whats wrong?

March 27, 2009 at 4:06 pm
(30) Emotionally Destroyed says:

I sit here reading what other woman have written with intense heartache and sadness…i too am married to a man for three years whom has no interest in sleeping with me. I have climbed my soul inside and out, and died inside a thousand times. It has been seven months. I am 31 years old, and God alone knows, i have grown to hate my body. I know that i am quite attractive, and have always gotten lots of attention, but my experiences over the past three years and the emotions they have created within me, have become stronger than what i know in my mind. Why would a man marry a woman if he cannot love her? He has once in the four years that we have been together bought me something for my birthday, last year. This year, he did not even wish me, and no, he had not forgotten, he simply did not wish me or buy me anything, no explanation, no answer. I have cried my heart out, fought, screamed, and finally i have withdrawn, and with my withdrawal, there is just nothing left.I want to kick myself. This is not something that has developed over time… it has always been like this from the start, but i kept making excuses to myself. The day we got married, the alarm bells were loud and clear in my head, but i went ahead thinking that things would be better after we got married…i have made the biggest mistake of my life, and it is eating me up from inside. There is no-one i can share my shame with. To all those woman out there whom are living with this secret life at home, my heart is with you, and i hope that you find the happiness that i never will.

March 28, 2009 at 12:22 am
(31) Heres my take says:

I am the “male” in the relationship and can tell you the first couple of years were great…then kids arrived and she fell in love with them. The “male” takes second (or much farther down the list…) and there is always some reason why “not” to have sex. The “male” kicks into his “survival” mode and pursues less and less (and she doesn’t seem to mind)….then, one day she must realize that those kids are growing up and all of the sudden “she” is not as important to them….that rocks her world (since they were here world until this point) and she starts wondering why you don’t pursue her anymore…well, I conditioned myself to “get over it” – now, I really can go without….its not worth the effort. I would be lying if I said there wasn’t any resentment…I am sure there is…sometimes I feel like “too bad” Some speak of divorce….only if you want to pay through the nose and hardly ever see your kids. This is our only way of maintaining control (since we couldn’t convince you to pay attention while the kids were growing up…) and now payback is a bitch, ain’t it??? You ladies can call me names and nag at me, but some of you will be honest and admit it is true…you live for those babies to the neglect the “man” in your life…now he’s not that into you.

March 28, 2009 at 1:46 pm
(32) Alabama says:

I stumbled onto your site and I think there is a category being slightly overlooked. The stay home dad. Men who may have lost their job in this economy. Maybe they chose to stay home since it made financial sense because mom makes the real big bucks in careers like MEDICINE or being a BANKRUPTCY Attorney. This can have an impact on how a man sees himself in the long term and children can impact his drive as it does for a woman. Fair is fair.

It also fair to say Man has limited role models of true manhood. Can you define manhood? Few men can! They have no measuring stick of what is a good husband/father. Not making excuses but just to give another viewpoint.

March 28, 2009 at 2:53 pm
(33) Sheri says:
March 28, 2009 at 11:59 pm
(34) New married and very little Sex says:

I too have only been married 7 months and the sex isn’t happening that much. I am a large woman and was one when we got married. I don’t think that is the issue. We only do it about every 2 weeks or sometimes less than that. My husband is only 25 and I am 24. If our marriage is like this now what I am I to expect when we get older. I know he loves me but I don’t understand why I can’t turn him on. It also worries me because what are we going to do when we want to have children. I feel like I am not pretty or too fat, but I just don’t think that is the reason because I am the same since we got married. I just really need something to get me through. I want our marriage to last but I don’t know if I can deal with a sexless marriage at my age.

April 7, 2009 at 2:18 pm
(35) new to texas says:

my husband of 15 yrs, had cheating on me with brothers wife after we had been tohether for 10 mths. This happened WHILE I was pregnant with our daughter. I wanted to have sex with him, but HE was ALWAYS 2 tired!! Little did I knew he was getting it elsewhere. I had very emotional breakdown after that episode in our lives. But we pulled thru thinking I was the strongest of us both to help our relationsip heal. It took me long time to want to want to have sex with or make love to this man after almost 2 yrs of unfaithfulness. But he has since kept willi in his pants. We are now going on 12 yrs loaded with satisfiying sex life!!

April 12, 2009 at 7:07 pm
(36) Not satisfied says:

I’m 10 yrs younger than my husband so what is the problem? We have been married less than a yr and his sex drive has completly stopped. I’m tired of begging for it. I’m in shape and haven’t changed since being married, so why doesn’t he want me? It makes me so sad and depressed and I’m starting to resent him for it. I’m tring to stay faithful, but sometimes I wonder why..he doesn’t care so why do I. I’m tired of using a vibrator to be satisfied!

April 13, 2009 at 10:42 am
(37) Guy in Sexless Marriage says:

#31 sounds exactly like my situation. been married 16 years, very infrequent sex for the last 10 years (since daughter was born). What can I do? Lose my kids, leave them and myself in financial ruin? I think about leaving alot, but it wouldn’t make enough sense. Becoming very resentful, drinking too much. It’ll probably wind up in divorce, anyway. But, I’m stuck…

April 20, 2009 at 11:45 am
(38) Monica says:

I’ve been married for 8 months to a WONDERFUL man, I am 31 he is 33, he works hard during the week and also sometimes during weekends to make extra money, every aspect is just perfect and we love each other very much. I moved from my country when we got married. The transition hasn’t been easy and as much as I try to be patient and become more independent, its hard for me to understand his lack of interest on sex, he says is nothing more than that: tired. I know he is not gay and he has nobody else. However my self esteem is being affected now and I dont know what to do. I started working part time and try to keep myself busy and give him his space. Is it possible that he loves me but not desires me as a woman?. Any advice? Thank you.

April 20, 2009 at 11:25 pm
(39) Crying Mum says:

Having read all the previous comments make me feel that I’m not alone in this situation. My husband and I got married about three years and our daughter is now 8 months old. To be honest, our sex life has never been good, before married, after married, before/after pregnancy or even worse now. I remember when we planned to have a kid last year, I asked him that we needed to have sex about 2 or 3 times a week in order to increase the chance of fertility, but he did not want to have sex. I needed to remind him and even beg him to have sex (in order to get pregnancy). So, finally I was pregnancy, and of course there was no sex at all during pregnancy (which I think is acceptable), and now it’s 8 months after giving birth, and we just had sex for a couple of times only. Many people said normally men will take the intiative to ask for sex from his wife after giving birth because they have been waiting for too long, but in my situation, it’s me to ask him for sex, but of course, he is not interested at all. The situation becomes worse since our little one sleeps in our room, and I need to wake up at least once at night to feed her etc, we actually sleep in different rooms. No kiss, no hug, not even say “good night”, every night, I just go back to my room and sleep and take care of my little one. Every other night, I cry and I sometimes need to cry until I feel very tired in order to go to bed. My husband treats me and the little one very good in all other aspects, but just he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I am an average size young woman, and I am even slimmer than before even after giving birth. My husband always says I am beautiful, and have good personality, but why he just doesn’t want it? I am not asking for having sex a few times a week, but maybe at least just once a month? I am a very loyal person and divorce will NEVER be my choice although I really feel very resentful now. I really don’t know what else I should do in this sex-less relationship. I have talked to him openly in a nice and calm way. We have discussed it many times already. I can be a very attractive and affectionate woman, but he now has made me become such a emotion-less person. What should I do?

April 21, 2009 at 3:22 pm
(40) ivette says:

My boyfriend and I have together almost a year and he can go on for days without sex about 15 or 18 days, I just can’t hold out that long when we do have sex its incredible he is very passionate, but I would really like to have sex more often.I’m in love with him, but it really makes me feel sad and at the sametime I feel alone overall he’s not very affectionate, but before he moved we had sex all the time and it was great. What do I do i’m frustrated.

April 22, 2009 at 9:12 am
(41) Empty Bed says:

It helps to read all these comments since I don’t feel alone.

I gained 200 lbs over the course of ten years. My husband still was passionate and tender with kind words of support for my low self esteem. I had weight loss surgery and lost 125 lbs. I have not had sex since before the surgery and twice when we were out of town. We don’t sleep together anymore.
He won’t talk to me about it other than to say he was watching my “health”. I am wondering if he is having an affair but his conduct doesn’t make sense it seems revese if anything.

April 25, 2009 at 3:16 am
(42) Megster says:

I am only going to leave it short and sweet. Read Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Setev Harvey. Even though, I’m only a teenager, this book helped me to become someone smart in relationships. I reccomend for all the women and men to read this…. mostly women. =)

April 25, 2009 at 2:06 pm
(43) Tamlyn says:

My husband and I haven’t had sex in almost 2 years and we’ve only been married for 2 1/2 years-I knew before we got married that he had a low sex drive and was nowhere near as sexual as I would have liked but I figured I could live with it since we were so great together besides that and he really loved me so much and wanted to make me happy. On our honeymoon we had sex all the time and then when we came home it was back to normal-hardly any sex and if there was sex it was always the exact same-in the morning and 10 minutes and done. Nothing exciting or different no matter how much I pleaded, so I gave up trying. Now I cringe and think how unhappy I am and jealous I am of other people’s marriages where they have normal sexual relations and I don’t have that. I’m only 33 and attractive-why should I have to put up with that now? I don’t know but I feel that I am stuck in this situation because we are married-is that crazy? Or just sad? I just don’t know what to do anymore and can’t believe that I am living in a relationship like this………

April 30, 2009 at 6:38 am
(44) romy says:

hey all am romy 26 year female i got married 5 yrs back and was 68 kg perfect for my height 5.6ft but still my husband never got attracted he married me cos am very good person then somehow we had sex for once in a week now i have become 99 kgs he never discuss but now he don’t even touch me .sometime i feel like having sex with a person who is really attracted to me.cos my husband like the girls who r very lean zero size no back and no front but even if i try i cannot be size zero and i don’t like being that.

May 11, 2009 at 1:33 pm
(45) Shecky Goldberg says:

You all got married too young- Americans get married earlier than any other developed nation. As such, none of you has any idea what you are doing, what you want, or how to look at sex as the natural act that it is. You let the media, religion, even your friends and family invade what should reasonably be your own private space.
Stop reading beauty magazines, turn off the porn, and for God’s sake, get rid of the TV in the bedroom. Trust me- your life will be better.

May 15, 2009 at 4:58 pm
(46) XYZ says:

Hello All, I am married women for a yr & 6 months now. But I have never been sexually satisfied! I realised that my husband has no interest in sex right at the first night of our wedding. But I always thought it will be alright some day or the other. But it never did! I am helpless now.I started marking on calendar that how many times we really had sex and I realised in last year we had 12 times sex and this year the count is BIG ZERO! I have no idea what is he upto? I tried to talk to him abt it but he says he loves me and wants to work this out blah blah blah, but I am bored of even listening to this!I am furstrated in this relationship.Dont know what to do? should I walk away? or try and drag him to a doctor?I tried to do that but he denies that he has a problem.

May 16, 2009 at 6:23 pm
(47) John says:

Hi ,
my name is John and am amazed at all your stories. I think it has something to do with men not knowing/being interested in female sexual ‘wiring’. Most men are even afraid of ‘pussies’…afraid they’re being ‘swallowed up’ . I know, ’cause i used to be one of them. Not anymore tho’, I’m 44 now but since the last 6 yrs I really became a huge fan of ‘treating my wife real well down under’…i love it and the rewards are great too…….
Satisfied man.

May 17, 2009 at 9:51 pm
(48) carol says:

Thank you. As much as you all are complaining about sexless marriages, I clicked to read this blog out of curiosity wondering if it was possible to have a good sexless marriage. You see, I am now disabled, not even sure if I am physically capable of sexual activity anymore. It would be very nice to have a partner, a companion, someone who doesn’t want sex all the time. So divorce those men who make you miserable, set them free so they can find someone like me. Thank you.

May 19, 2009 at 11:04 pm
(49) biggest mistake says:

With all due respect to carol (comment no. 48) you don’t need anyone to set anyone free, you can find your own partner to have the sexless marriage that you WANT to have. You see, it is a completely different thing to enter marriage with the agreement that sex wont be part of it, and there is a complete different thing to enter a marriage, with the expectation to enjoy of sexual intimacy, like any normal person would and then realize that you will never be able to enjoy something that you thought was a very important part of marriage.

I just found this thread as I googled the problem my husband and I had been having and came across this website, I never imagined so many women were going through the same pain that I’ve going through for the last 7 months. I am a newlywed too, and like some of you, found out my husband was not interested in sex with me since our wedding night, I thought we were just to tired and did not pay much attention to it. It has been 7 months now, and nothing has changed. The only thing that I know now, is that my husband had a very sexual life prior to me. Is like once I got in the picture his libido went out the window.

As I am reading your posts, I’m thinking it is like I’ve written them myself. He also made excuses for not having sex prior to marriage, because of our religion. (But he did have sex with other girlfriends prior to me). He promised me that when we got married everything was gonna changed and that he will be all over me. Stupid me I believed him.

He is a great man in any other aspects, but this is killing me inside, more than just the lack of sex, I feel ugly, not good enough, unatractive, and humilliated! I’m 5’2 and I weigh 112 pounds, so it has nothing to do with me being overweight. In fact, I’ve never been in better shape in my whole life, since I started dating him, as he was in great shape I started excercising and eating better to suit his life style. To my surprise, the women he had very steamy sex with, were nor pretty, nor in good shape, and by no means were more attractive than I am. Still, I can’t let go the feeling of not being good enough, because whatever they had, that made them so desirable in his eyes. I obviously do not have it.

I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep, wondering why? why did he marry me if he was not sexually attracted to me? Why would someone do that…. I believe that this marriage was the biggest mistake of my life.

May 24, 2009 at 4:18 am
(50) Deprived in Denver says:

I’m 25 and my husband is 40. We have been together for 6 years…married for 5…and I have always been more sexual than him. I’ve always been overweight, thought I’m at the heaviest weight I’ve been right now, but I do know I’m still attractive. When we first started dating we would have sex about once a week…in fact that was pretty static for the first few years, whilst we were living with one of his friends. Then we bought our own place and that number started to diminish. I bought the house outright, so there are no financial worries…nothing much has changed for us except for having more freedom.

We’re now on about once ever 3 weeks, to once a month…and mostly we don’t have sex…he just goes down on me. Now don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the gratification, but I NEEED the sex…I need the shared intimacy…to feel his desire and to indulge his pleasure. It turns me on..makes me feel sexy and fulfilled and without it I feel almost like I’m just in a really great friendship. He also has trouble keeping it up and I think this has been building in magnitude for about 2 years.

We have such a wonderful relationship aside from this but the sexual problems are breaking my heart. For the last 2 years or so, I’ve taken to playing online…masturbating with people..l.and I feel pathetic for having to resort to this but its the closest I can come to physical satisfaction. My husband knows I do this, and he’s fine with it…I guess since it takes the burden off him.

I know without a doubt that he isn’t having an affair and when we first got married he mentioned that he was worried that my sex drive would increase and it would lead to our breakup…….I’m scared to admit that he may have been right. For a while I tried to be less sexual and I feel like I was missing a lot of pleasure during that time in my life. I enjoy sex…sexual play…experimentation…I’m even quite kinky…and he’s extremely vanilla….that is soemthing I’ve always been aware of but since we were having sex…ok sex…it was never an issue…and I just figured things would get better and better through our relationship.

We’re very honest and open when things are brought up…so I feel that I do have a good understanding of what he is experiencing…and it makes me more sad. He feels pressure to satisfy me…to match my desire, and this pressure and anxiety results in a further decrease in desire for me. The more I ask him for sex, satisfaction, or even just his involvement when I play with toys, the more pressure he feels and the more he is aware of the fact that I NEEEED sex and he doesn’t.

We have started seeing a marriage counselor who had a few beneficial things to say. He wants us to focus on non-sexual intimacy…snuggling and such…to encourage trust and physical closeness, that could perhaps lead to something else….but I am absolutely terrified of the fact that the intimacy will not lead to sex…ever…

The therapist and I both feel that I should stop bringing up sex…thereby removing the pressure…but now I feel a certain resentment that in that case I will never get it. I know without a doubt that if I was slimmer and more physically fit, I would be more appealing…but I know that’s not the root cause…even if I can’t help my self esteem taking a huge knock at that.

The more I steel myself away from thinking about sex with him, the less inclined I feel towards the idea of any sexual contact with him whatsoever. It’s all about satisfying me…”Bet it’s time you had an orgasm” he says. What about him being horny for me? What about him wanting to share the sexual experience with me.

Part of me feels the need to berate myself for not being patient enough….giving this enough time to fix itself..now that he is aware of the severity of this issue (it all came to a head about a month ago)…but another part of me is so turned off by it all….so frustrated…that I want to just end it…just walk away from the whole thing.

But in that case, am I being so shallow for cutting down a beautiful relationship for its sexual incompatibility? I love him so much…but sometimes when I imagine having to live like this for the rest of my life…I feel panicked and trapped.
I’ve met someone online…someone who seems more sexually compatible. But then, how do I know? After reading all your comments, I feel so disheartened….are all men like this? What if I leave my husband for this man and find out that after the initial excitement wears off..we are in the same boat….or perhaps he will also become disinterested in me because of my physical imperfections.

I’ve brought up the idea of an open marriage with my husband. Sometimes you just can’t get everything you need from one person…and god that would be perfect…..I could have my wonderful relationship and my sexual satisfaction too…..but then I feel that deep down I know that I would drift away…because of the intimacy thats inherent in that sexuality….I need that with the man I’m in love with…..I NEEED that, or he becomes that man I love…and nothing more. Either way, he is not comfortable with the idea of an open marriage…he feels that one person should be able to give you everything you need…but unfortunately that often doesn’t seem to be true or possible.

He gives me excuses, like the fact that he is tired..or that our schedules aren’t the same….but that is what they are…excuses…and I resent them,….I can’t help it. I know that sex has become a chore for him….if it wasn’t then there would be no need for excuses…it would be pleasant.

God, I know in my heart that this is the beginning of the end. I’ve been spinning my wheels for two years…getting myself off….and now I’ve picked up speed and I think I have to ride it to the end. It’s strange because I always thought that a marriage would end in anger and fighting…but we have a wonderful relationship…just no sex….I can’t even remember the last time we had real sex…good sex….mutual satisfaction. I know I really can’t live like this…and I just hope to god that I can find satisfaction when I leave….I don’t want to find out that I threw away a wonderful relationship with no sex for another wonderful relationship with no sex.

However…is a wonderful relationship without sex anything other than a great friendship? I guess it’s all about finding what one’s priorities are….
This feels like it’s a really long comment but I guess I just had a lot on my mind and my heart……thank you for listening.

May 25, 2009 at 6:48 pm
(51) Frustrated says:

I have been married for almost four years. We have a great relationship, but I can probably count the times that we have had sex using less than all my fingers and toes. Like other posters, we waited to have sex until after we were married (his choice).

My husband has a panty hose fetish which I resent. I feel as though he is not attracted to me, but only the pantyhose. He has ED unless I am wearing pantyhose.

He got ocalis (spelling?) from the doctor, and it sort of works. He still doesn’t want to use the medicine though. Wouldn’t you think that if a man got medicine that would make him able to have sex, he would want to take it every night? Well, my husband doesn’t.

Some of these posts made me cry, because I whole heartedly sympathize with the damage to self esteem and depression that is caused by your husband not sexually desiring you. I had normal sexual relationships in the past, as was always thought of as attractive. I am not sure what I did to deserve this. We have a great relationship otherwise, and I try to convince myself that is the most important thing.

May 27, 2009 at 2:08 am
(52) Eating Me Alive says:

I am 20, my boyfriend is 31. We have dated two and a half years. These stories have all hit way to close to home! I moved half way across the country to live with him and start my life here. He has been promiscuous in his younger years and started his sex life at a very young age. He has started his own very successful business and burnt out on it and quit. Had a very serious girlfriend for three years and she left him. He has also had bone cancer in his hip leaving him with lasting pain. I am left with a man in a mid-life crisis with zero sex drive.

I am young and just discovering my own sexuality. If it were up to me I’d have sex at least once a day, but I must put up with his at best once every three week sexual encounter. I am tired of making love to a vibrator and masturbating next to him while he sleeps… just so I can feel close. My mind wanders and fantasizes about other men. I feel guilty. He loves me, I love him. I am just not satisfied.

He is 31 yet has the body and mindset of a 55 year old man. I am 20 yet I am living the sex life of a 55 year old woman. He has the physical pain in his hip which sucks him dry. I have a raging libido I need to repress to stay in this relationship. However this repression is eating me alive.

May 31, 2009 at 11:20 pm
(53) MusicDevine says:

Wow! Did I need to find this forum today. Sometimes it really helps just to know you’re not alone in the world, feeling and thinking like you do. I’ve been feeling so very lonely about my significant others’ sexual problems, and I just don’t know what to do. Thanks to all that are being honest about their most intimate feelings and actual happenings; it is helping me tremndously…Thank you

June 1, 2009 at 8:19 pm
(54) Karyn says:

I can understand the “Male”s comment that women become more interested in their children and men will turn themselves off after not having sex very often or not at all. But that also happens for the woman. I have a man who has low libido. I use to try and try to initiate but now I have learned to turn it off. It is strange that when I first met him it was 8 hours a day 7days a week of sex and now maybe once a week. But now I am so depressed over not getting the attention that my libido is dropping. If he initiates, I sometimes have difficulty getting into it. I have had to live with the rejection and pain for so long that when he initiates I feel as though he is only doing this for me and that turns me off.

June 4, 2009 at 12:39 pm
(55) n.g. says:

Ok…I am not some bible thumper but it all comes down to facts of life…

How many people buy second hand stuff…?

I am going to guess not very many!

How many people want to fill loved…?

Everyone!

Because a man needs to feel manly they dont quite like the idea of the women he loves being “used”. I realize that most women in america have had more than 1 partner. This has to do with the way we are brought up. I know some people are not going to agree with me! In my example I have had 4 including my HUSband of 10 years. He was my 2nd but inbetween dating i had 2 more for stupid reasons. He had a really hard time because i believe in being truthful! So i had to prove to him that i loved him. The problem in the united states is that everyone has this big huge box around them and no one can come in. Most people need to step out of this and try different things & different positions. My first relationship i was 14 and he was considerably older! :-( It was a horrible relationship And i lamost thought i was a lesbian because i never came in 3 1/2 years and i hated having sex although i knew sex was supposed to be great and you were supposed to enjoy it!. Like one said before- americans start relationships too young! It also didnt help i didnt ever love him / find him attractive! I was thrown like a sheep to a wolf. Some might say i was old enough to make the right decision and not to get thrown to the wolf but it really is a long story and it involved alcohol, passing out & growing up believing you should only have 1 partner or else you are a whore! When i was 17 i finally realized that it was not what i ever wanted and i wasnt going to waste any more time! I went out and met my future husband who was onle 1 year older than me. We fought a lot because he knew i wasnt a virgin! I delt with it because in some aspect he was right and i did want to be a virgin when i married but other circumstances occured and it was not possible. We fought for the first 4 years = to the time i knew the “mistake” after that he calmed down and realized that i loved him and i only ever loved him! Thank GOD i have never really had any of your problems because when my relationship started to go sour i took a stand and because i believe all is fair in love and war…i fought back. Be the aggressor! We have sex at least 1 a week and sometimes we have it every day! If you want it take it…If he has a hard time staying up make him(m.b.)If you are dry-lube, If it is too late and you are both tired…try the next night…if you have kids… make sure they cant be put in danger give them their toys and lock the door-early! When a person really loves someone they try everything, they dont give up no matter how big they are! Like many have said everyone gains weight, no one is perfect, you need to be happy! well guess what you control your happiness and only you can fix it…If you committed to a “marriage” relationship it is because you had to feel something or else why enter into something so permanent? Like they said if they notice the other getting fat stop it before it is too late…Involve the other in activities that you can do together! Talk to them dont sit there and ignore it, by ignoring you accept! I came on this website because a close friend just lost the love of her “life” because she gained a 100 lbs and other stupid reasons! I was trying to help her…but the only true way is for her to LOVE herself and lose weight because if you are not happy with yourself, who will be? by the way i weigh 225 lbs and i have gained 50/+-25 since i got married…weight does affect your sex life because the more weight you gain the less attractive you fill. A man loves a women who is confident in theirselves! The one thing we need to remember is that we need to get healthy for ourselves and our health! what does it matter if we keep gaining weight and die of a heart attack about sex?

June 7, 2009 at 5:22 am
(56) emma says:

I’m glad I found this forum. I’m so sick of hearing about how women are turning their husbands down in droves.

Before I moved in with my now-hubby, we had sex every time we saw each other – about 3 or 4 times a week. As soon as I moved in it dropped to about once a week and after a while I talked to him about it. That was over three years ago and nothing has changed. In fact, it’s worse. Whenever I try to talk about it he gets hurt and thinks I’m ‘blaming him’ but the situation is just getting worse and now I don’t even want it anymore. He says he’s too tired at night, and prefers to do it in the morning. The alarm goes off at 7 and I have to be at work by 8. Sorry, but a 10 min no-effort shag in the morning (when I am LEAST aroused) is worse than nothing. We seem to be completely incompatible sexually and I’m thinking of leaving.

June 7, 2009 at 9:38 pm
(57) Lonely says:

I don’t think its always about a woman’s looks. perhaps that is some men’s experience but I am 5’4, 110 lbs. I am obviously not obese for heavens sake I wear a size 2, and this is after having 3 kids. I used to model. I am 24 so I’m not old yet, granted I don’t look like I did when I was 18 but I know other people would find me attractive. Unfortunately my husband doesn’t seem to think so and it’s very upsetting emotionally and also physically. I try to give him space and wait to see if he comes to me for intimacy, but he doesn’t. Then I try to go to him, but he’s never in the mood. He’s always too tired or too stressed or busy doing something else. The worst part is, a huge part of our marriage was built on sex. We have nothing in common. He is good to me, provides for our family, does “nice” things for me, the occasional flowers and what have you, but if I’m being honest it’s just not enough. When we talk about it then he will end up having sex with me and then I just feel like its out of pity, so it’s not very good for me. Like he thinks he has to do it to save our marriage. He doesn’t understand that I need him to WANT to.

And by the way, if anyone is losing their shape it’s him, big time, but I love him just the same. I just don’t feel like he still loves me. If it’s not mutual I just don’t want to stick around. It’s hard because we have 3 kids together and I do love him, would seem silly to divorce over sex, but it really is so much more then that, to feel like the other person wants to be close to you, pay attention to you, be around you. Intimacy is not just sex. I don’t know what to think anymore but I told him the other day he might not be interested in me but I could easily find someone who would be.

June 10, 2009 at 2:27 am
(58) lana says:

I’m really glad I stumbled onto this site. It helps to know that other people are going through the same thing. I am 25 and have been married for 2 1/2 years. For the past year of our marriage we haven’t had sex. I’m not overweight and am attractive. I don’t think he’s cheating on me but it just doesn’t make sense. I have become so depressed, I’m not the same free spirited person I was before. I think I’m going to leave him. Someone in an earlier post said you only live once so make the most of it. I completely agree. Don’t stay in a marriage that is slowly killing you.

June 21, 2009 at 11:07 pm
(59) smeehere says:

Reading these stories has left a pit in my stomach as I know too well the overwhelming misery that comes with living with a partner who just isnt interested in you. We have been together 5 years now – all other aspects of our relationship work well, we are good friends and very comfortable together, he is loyal and thoughtful. But over the years my self esteem, self worth and self respect have eroded to the point I feel like a revolting, sexless, unattractive, ugly and unworthy blob. I have always had a healthy sex drive and an acitve sex life until I met this man. I am tall, slim, and I suppose attractive, at least I used to feel that way with other men. I know what it feels like to be ‘desired’ and I certainly dont feel that way at all. Since we moved in together I have had every excuse under the sun as to why he wont go there. He says he *wants to* ..BUT…Too tired, not used to the new situation (new house at the time), not used to people in the house (so I get rid of flatmates), not used to children (I have a child from previous relationship), too hairy!!! (so I shave religiously), used to *tighter* (I know, I know), feels depressed, give him space (I did), wants me to initiate it (I did all the time), wear sexier nightwear (so I did), new job is stressful, need a holiday (made no difference), I dont feel like it, I’m sorry I want to ‘but’…. the list goes on and on and on. He says he desires me and thinks I am beautiful bla bla bla and when he does bother to have sex (usually after I have reached meltdown stage and SCREAMED at him about it) I feel like a duty as he does his 5 minute deed with no foreplay. And to be honest it has played such havoc with my sense of body-image that I am now so self conscious that I really dont enjoy it anyway. And now he says its *boring* I have become a person I hate – self conscious, insecure, I feel frumpy, ugly and undesirable. I cry by myself alot. I am convinced no other man would ever look at me if I did leave him. Frequency of intimacy since after the first few months is around once a year. Im miserable. And craving attention/desire/sensuality/ that never ever comes.

June 22, 2009 at 9:55 pm
(60) Colleen says:

I moved in with my guy in the middle of March, and we had the most beautiful sex life before then. We met just after Xmas 2008. if i had ANY clue that he was so uninterested in sex there is no way I would have moved in with him, as I have a high sex drive. He always tells me that Im going to *get it* and as always, I never do. I don’t even hear him when he says it anymore, as I know its a load of crap. I am attractive, look after myself, do my nails, tanning, im slender, large breasts, and they are nice, as I bought them. LOL. I have men bending over backwards to talk to me, and I can’t even get my guy to give me a second look. We’ve been together six month, and if its like this now, I can only know that its only going to get worse. I don’t want to hurt his feelings and tell him that this will not continue. I do love him, and would love to be with him until the day I die, but, I also want to feel that I am sexually attractive to him. Which apprently, I am not. He says I am, but, I’ve always beleived actions speak louder than words, and Im tired of being the aggresser in any sexual encounters. Maybe I should just swallow my pride and know that he’s not turned on by me, but my ego doesn’t allow this. LOL.

June 22, 2009 at 10:15 pm
(61) Colleen says:

Well, now that I have got myself on a roll now. I need to give his side. He drives truck nights, so he sleeps during the day, I can live with this. he has weekends off, and I take my time off work to spend time with him. I have sat him down and told him how I feel about this, and he always has excuses that he’s tired.During the week, I can live with that excuse, weekends it just doesn’t give with me. he’s got lots of time to watch tv, or go on his laptop. He’s even tried to feed me a line of bs to say that I could be the aggressor. OMG. Im ALWAYS the one initiating any sexual encounter. I’ve closed that gate now because I feel that why would I want to try and have sex with someone who doesn’t want it with me. He told me a couple months ago he didn’t like how thin I had got,so, I put some more pounds on, not alot, just enough to give me more shape, and still he makes me feel Im just a unsexy woman. I’ve been compared to pamela anderson. We haven’t been together long enough for the sex to be out the window like this. I won’t be bringing this topic up with him again. I was in a sexless marriage before, and its so hard on the self esteem. I’ve cried many times over this. many many many times. Even not answered the phone when he’s working because he’ll know Im crying, and will want to know why. I don’t like to bother him when he’s working. I’ve also started drinking more now, because its easier to live with the pain of feeling unsexy. I really don’t think he understands how much it hurts. If he just isn’t a horny guy, then I think he should have told me that from the beginning instead of giving me the teaser of the best sex in the world then just leave me a sexless snake after only a few months.

June 23, 2009 at 1:59 am
(62) holly says:

OMG!! I am SOOOO very happy to have found you girls out there….I am up yet another night (but decided not to cry myself to sleep) and decided to do some research and the good Lord above led me to you…it’s so nice to know that I am not the only female on this earth with a crappy sex life, my husband and I have been married for only 7 months and we’ve only had sex 12 times (most of which I’ve basically had to beg for!) I would have never guessed it would be this hard! I really thought sex was suppose to be the easy part!

June 23, 2009 at 4:27 am
(63) Gilda says:

I’m just testing

June 25, 2009 at 2:20 pm
(64) Mich says:

This is to those women out there who have been married less than a year and their husband no longer wants sex like he used to, and think that it is only stress and normal for married couples. If he is no longer having sex with you, he is going elsewhere.
Before I met my husband, a man never rejected me sexually. My husband and I were very sexual from the beginning of our relationship until about 3 months after the wedding, when we bought a house together. I guess it was then that the reality of committment set in for him, and his instinct was to run. I was oblivious except for that sign that he did not want to have sex anymore – I tried everything, the lingerie, throwing myself at him. He said he was tired, stressed , had tough day at work, etc. etc. and I believed him!
Then last week I found out he has been seeing another woman for the last six months.
There really are no excuses. I am an attractive women with a lot to give, and he did not know what he had. At least I only wasted a year being married to him, but I could have wasted less time if I had heeded the warning sign – my brand new husband was no longer interested in sex with me, because he was with someone else.
It’s easy to find out if your husband is cheating- check the dating websites for his picture and look at his cell phone bills. I bet you most of the men on dating websites are already married! It’s an easy way for a married man to find a mistress because they can pretend they are not married. If he meets someone at work or through friends they know he is married.

June 25, 2009 at 11:43 pm
(65) Lisa says:

I am THRILLED to see that I am not alone. I am an attractive 26 year old woman and feel like my husband has no interest in me at all. We’ve been married for almost 3 years and have had sex maybe 6 times in the last year. I feel completely neglected and starved for male attention. We’ve talked about it many times but still nothing… and when we do, it’s so awkward since we’ve had to actually have the convo in the first place. He was my first and only sexual partner, same for him. I find myself with a much higher sex drive as I get older too.

July 8, 2009 at 5:50 am
(66) K says:

Hello, it’s sad to know that many of you have similar problems as I do. My husband has never been very sexual. We are married for 4 years now. Things are just getting worse. It’s not in my nature to initiate. Hoever, when I do touch him to try to seduce him, I only find him falling asleep. Like many of the posts above, I am slowly turning myself off. I think that if I desire less, I would be less hurt by the lack of sex. I thought that he is simply not interested in sex in general. But then I discovered that he actually spends hours watching porns online and masterbating. When he stays up in front of PC until late at night, or even slip out of the bedroom to do this early in the morning, I feel really so sad and cry. We have not talked about it seriously yet. He is a great husband in all other aspects. I wonder whether I am ready to live the rest of my life like this.

July 12, 2009 at 11:09 am
(67) JL says:

I have read each comment and it all sounds very depressingly familiar. I am also married with a non existent sex life. For years (married two, together seven years) I have assumed it was stress from work, lack of love for me. I have initiated sex, tried to seduce him, offer to help him with work or school so he wouldn’t be stressed, compliment him, request date nights alone and nothing. There was always an excuse or something more important taking presidence. But I soon discovered that he masturbates to porn because it’s easier and he cheats with prostitutes. Of course he doesn’t see what my problem is since he is getting his fill of sex while I have to make due with masturbation. I didn’t sign up for this and find it grueling to live day by day like this. I have no more tears left and I feel devastated but chose to remain for my kids. I only wish I followed my gut and left when he started to exhibit these symptoms while we dated.

July 15, 2009 at 1:14 am
(68) kara says:

My boyfriend and I have been dating since high school, through college, and now I am in law school and he is working. We are moving in together in a month- but there is HUGE problem in our relationship. We never have sex… and when I say sex i mean we never make out (kiss at all) nor anything else. All through college (4 years) maybe I have had sex 5 times. In college we went to Miami, on a cruise, and to Las Vegas… not one thing happened on any of those trips. I am with my bf because I love him very much. He was basically my first and only bf and my first lover; and in 7 years I have never cheated on him and vice versa. I am a very attractive girl with a lot going for me and I just dont understand why he is not interested. A couple years ago he told me it he was not interested bc i was always being “mean” and “nagging” him. As a result of this confession I blamed myself for our sexless relationship. I constantly do not think my 5’7 125lb body is good enough whereby any other standard it would be awesome… Then my boyfriend confessed to me that he gets nervous to make love. Finally, while we were on vacation in Mexico about a month ago, I got fed up. I bought several new pieces of lingerie and we had a hot tub in our suite.. i made it a point to MAKE things happen; but i was completely rejected. My boyfriend finally told me that he has a hard time getting an erection and it doesnt last. He told me be thinks it is bc he did not get the chicken pox vacine. So, I am not an idiot and this conclusion just seems ridiculous. I was pissed that he waited 4 years to tell me had had ED and even let me blame myself for him not wanting sex resulting in my severe confidence issues that have transferred into all areas in life (including law school). He tells me that he will go to the doctor but I do not think he is motivated to change things.. I dont think he minds not having sex. TO TOP things off… the other day I walked into his condo unannounced and he was masterbating in front of the computer: WTF? SO his ED is not an issue while looking at porn… sometimes at night I can hear him masterbating on the other side of the bed while I am “sleeping…” I just feel completely rejected bc I AM RIGHT THERE and he chooses not to pursue anything. I just silently cry to myself and have bad self esteem issues…. I am afraid if we get married we will have a sexless honeymoon…

July 23, 2009 at 11:36 am
(69) nada says:

my husband is not happy with me now in sex he said after 4 kids and 11 year merry i have no sex i m getting too open i m very dissapointed even he remarry
how can i do my best i m only 26 married 15

July 26, 2009 at 5:25 am
(70) Rachel says:

I want any teeny weeny speck of affection and or lovemaking from my husband !! My name is Rachel,married almost 9 years,46 years old ,husband , xxx ,he is a very sexy, tall ,olive skin,dark eyes,dark hair,beautiful face all of this and a sexy voice to top it off !
We made love every night,oral sex for each other before we made love,he was a very careing & generous with his mouth,,We were friends before we got together,so after the hot exciting sex & affection got to be not so imporntant to him we kinda settled into a comfort zone cause were best friends,which is wonderful too. But it’s been so long i don’t feel comfy being naked in front of him anymore i’m afraid he will think i’m gross & not want to put that sexy mouth down on me.but my body is the same as it was 9 years ago ,my face aged a bit,but my body works real well. How can i get him to want me without me feeling guilty that he had to have sex with me ? I know thats silly but it’s how i feel.I want foreplay ,kissing.touching rubbing with him but i want to know he really wants it from me.HELP !! i seriously don’t know how to fix this but 1 time every 6 months aint cutting it no more.Thanks soo much . Rachel

July 28, 2009 at 5:28 am
(71) zealaz says:

since all ur men, have the same problems, why dont you all take ur time and look for ways of helping him out if really they are the ones that do have this problem, all I have read is complains and complains, who gives the solution if you dont seek to find ways to work out the problem, this is meant to be a bedroom talk. Common ladies, dont just sit here and complain, seek for solutions and offer to those who are in the same situation both ways.

July 28, 2009 at 5:37 am
(72) zealaz says:

Rachel, all I can tell you is to work on ur mind, in ur comment u never said anything about him avoiding sex, so you seem to be the problem here, empty ur head and follow ur heart, he is ur husband, you don’t stay in the same spot doing same thing and expect a different result, you have to go back to your husband and do those things you always enjoyed doing with him, touch him where he love u touch him most, ignite the fire again and you’ll be happy you did. Marriage comes with s different kind of responsibility, if you are the best of friends, then ur case is half solved cos you can work it out

July 30, 2009 at 12:45 am
(73) rae says:

zealez.. thats harsh. obviously you dont realize most of the women on here like myself have given lots of money to therapists, victoria secrets, books, and vacations to no avail. the reason we are all on here is because we are hoping that someone will give us some glimmer of hope or some understanding to a problem that is very difficult to discuss in real life. Im on here now because even tho i love my fiancee and we have an amazing relationship and a beautiful daughter some were along the way he decided he did not want to have a sexual relationship. it sucks. i am on here because all i need to do is go outside and i could get that pleasure. i am a confident, beautiful smart woman and are all the woman on here. it would be alot easir to cheat than to be here writing about it but the truth is i still believe in the love we share and untill that love runs out im lucky i have all of you on here. i dont know how we could have such an amazing sex life and relationship the one day i cant get him to touch me other than holding my hand. some days i feel my soul dying

July 30, 2009 at 12:50 am
(74) rae says:

…. and please if you dont have a child GET OUT.. there is no need to torture yourself. I know it sounds hypocrtical but how do you explain to your daughter that you left the man you love and that lovea you because he wont f*ck u anymore.

August 1, 2009 at 2:17 pm
(75) No Sex For 6 Years says:

I was married to my second husband for 15 years. We had a great sex life for the first 3 years. When I met him he had a huge stash of Playboy mags. I let him know that him looking at other women in the mag bothered me and he tossed them. Around that same time he received a call from an ex while we were in bed and he actually talked to her with vague dialogue. I should have left then. He said she wouldn’t leave him alone. OK…I have heard him make flirtatious remarks through the years. He makes alot of money and travels alot. Sometimes for a week or more at a time. I always suspected he had friends with benefits or used escorts or whatever but never really checked. I have “caught” him looking at nudes online so many times. Most times he can get off the page before I actually see what he was doing but occasionally he messes up. He controls everything, has secret accounts (bank and credit card) that I have come accross. Any time that I have ever tried to talk to him about any of this he gets MAD and won’t talk to me. I get the silent treatment for days/weeks. He has left me with no self esteem and an obese body. I have gained 90 pounds since we married and most of them have been in the past 3 years. I don’t understand why he wanted to keep me around if he’s not interested in me. I asked him if it was because “it’s cheaper to keep her”? He said no. He still loves me. He’s always been into classmates.com which didn’t help either. He was very popular in high school. He has now joined and is corresponding with the women. I feel like hell and want my life back. I left him a few months ago. This is how my lack of sex happened. Other women, avoidance, anger and lies.

August 1, 2009 at 10:43 pm
(76) meg says:

All I know is, I feel very frustrated not having sex with my husband. I feel unattractive and hurt. There is so much more to a sexual relationship than just the orgasm. It creates a “ONENESS”, an ecstacy when two people come together and are conformed into one, plus it’s a very natural healthy thing for our bodies. My husband gave up sex when he started on certain medications that he has to take. I wonder if things will be like this forever…brokenhearted

August 4, 2009 at 8:15 pm
(77) GivingUp says:

My husband of 14 years was never very sexual, but at least we had sex a few times a year and he was affectionate and complimentary. Now he says our bodies “have changed” and it’s all about the kids, that we are not young anymore, etc. (we are 40) He accuses me of trying to “dress younger” and says I need to act my age. I really feel like he believes all sex not intended to create children is dirty. I am so lonely and brokenhearted…

August 7, 2009 at 3:02 pm
(78) luckycharm says:

I think I may have found some good clues.

My story sounds exactly like many of the others here (married 6 months, great sex for the 3 years before, now dwindled down to nothing due to his lost interest and very painful for us both).

For us, the issues were in two areas: 1) control and 2) attention. They were problems with the way I was behaving, but I didn’t realize the impact it had on my husband. My husband didn’t realize the impact his lost interest had on me.

It seems that my husband felt like he lost a lot of control in the time leading up to and after our wedding. I planned everything. He moved into my house. It was decorated like I liked it. His stuff went in the garage. His cats can’t live here (allergies). The list goes on. None of this stuff was a big deal at the time, but it mounts up.

Added to that are my two daughers (12 & 7). They get along great, but now he’s living with them, and is the stepfather. However…I control everything related to the kids.

Add also to that that I wasn’t very sexually experienced when we started dating, and he got to “teach” me a *lot*. We tried a lot of things, most of them for the very first time for me. He liked that role! But now…I am developing my own tastes, my own appetite…and that is a change. When I chase him down for sex now, it feels to him like…yep…a control thing. He wants to give it, not have it taken from him.

On the attention side: that one’s a bit less convoluted. Living with me and the girls now, he sees how much attention I spend on the girls. Before, he had me more to himself when we were on dates, and just saw them when he came for dinner. He doesn’t resent this – he understands it on an intellectual level – but underneath he misses being in the spotlight. Very related to the new baby syndrome!

To try to start to make this all better, I’m going to give up some more control (I already handed over the finances, the literal driver’s seat, and the remote…but need to go farther!). I’ll ask his advice and include him. We will make our house something we both like. And, I will quit chasing him for sex, put on my sexy outfits and hot lingerie underneath, and let nature take its course.

I don’t know if it will work, but I feel like I am on the right track.

Good luck to everyone here. There is a lot of sadness but there’s also hope.

August 8, 2009 at 2:25 am
(79) Painter says:

My husband I have been married for 6 years, we have twins 4 years old, and haven’t had sex for over a year now. When we were dating, it was 2-3x/week, and every day when we went on vacation. When we started discussing marriage, sex started to slow down, and right after marriage, even less frequent. He is a good husband and I don’t think he’s cheating or has a medication condition, however I am hearing the same excuses that all the women on this board are hearing when I ask for sex (and get rejected). I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight (size 6) so I don’t think it’s a weight issue.

So I searched the internet on this condition and think I may have found one possible explanation, the Madonna whore syndrome. There is this case, when once a man starts seeing a woman as a wife and mother, he loses sexual interest in her because he’s associating with his mother (in other words… incest!). They would rather have sex or desires for a bad girl/whore/porn, since they can’t associate a wife/mom figure with that sexual image. Maybe this is not the case for everyone, but I think I’ve found one of the answers for my case. It’s quite eye opening, and makes me think of ways to reverse that thinking.

For one thing, begging is never attractive, to a man or even to a woman. Perhaps we need to feel more confidence in ourselves and go back to the old ways of when we were dating and our husbands were all crazy for us (ie. we need to play a bit hard to get….somehow?). One woman on another board said she told her husband she was going to masturbate and he can’t touch her, which got him all crazy since men usually desire what they can’t have. I think it’s worth a try.

I also agree with the previous poster’s suggestions (luckycharm). Maybe we need to relinquish too much control and pay more attention to our husbands (especially those of us with kids)… Good luck to all and I hope we will all find a solution to our more-common-than-we-thought situation.

August 16, 2009 at 6:22 am
(80) A Male Perspective says:

My wife and I have been married for 3-1/2 years. We had a very active sex life the first few months of marriage. It went downhill after that. She would more often reject my advances than receive them, often demonizing me for wanting more sex. She has been very demanding, controlling and demeaning in our marriage. She has also gained considerable weight, weighing in at 175# at 5’1″. It’s hard to be attracted to a woman who is this much overweight, even harder when she is a b####. It’s easier to have lost interest in sex than to continue to pursue it when I’m rejected so often. We couldn’t be further apart right now, physically, emotionally, mentally. We share the same faith, yet she is more invested in her faith than she is in me. The only reason I haven’t left the marriage is the belief that marriage is a covenant, but I am miserable and am not sure how long I can stand up under these conditions.

August 19, 2009 at 8:28 am
(81) borancobolt says:

Wait until you’re married. I’m assuming you new how she felt when you got engaged. This is obviously important to her. if you truly love her, you have no option but to respect this.
_________________

August 20, 2009 at 4:11 pm
(82) Kate says:

Im glad I found other writing the same thing as me, but it seems as though there will never be an answer. I have been married about 6 months but this problem was going on before we were married – been together for two years and sex has been bad for about a year and a bit. I should have got out but I accidentally got pregnant after 6 months of being together. by the way – its not lack of sex cos he is worried i might get accidentally pregnant again cos he has actually said he wants more babies.
i have tried everything. im back to my pre pregnnacy weight whilst he has gained a ton of weight and doesnt care to look after himself anymore. meanwhile i still wear make up and get dressed up – excercise, diet, work full time and have a baby and house to look after – i do it all – i dont ask him to do anything. he just goes on ebay or eats etc. all his freinds fancy me and tell him all the time how hot i am – i know im not bad looking, even after having a baby. im alsways getting asked out by strangers – but i NEVER rub it in his face..i just dont tell him or ignore it if he complains bout his freinds fancying me. i just keep telling him i dont care and all i want is him.
i have good job, lovely family etc but this makes me feel as though whats the point in all of it if i am not physically close with the man i love.
i have asked, pleaded, ignored, tried. i have initiated in different places, circustances, times of day, tried underwear, dressing up, positions, places etc…when we rarely do have it its like going through the motions…i have even tried ignoring him and ‘playing hard to get’ – not mentioning sex at all for weeks – it doesnt work because he doesnt want it! he used to be very sexual. before he met me he was always at it and even when we first dated he couldnt get enough of me and we were very adventurous. i havent changed so why has he?
he says its just how he is now and he is not interested – if he is, he is and if he isnt, he isnt. generally he isnt. its weird cos he will joke around with me about sex and grab my boobs sometimes and pretend to bend me over while im making dinner or whatever, but when things get down to it, he actually doesnt want it at all. so these ‘jokes’ are starting to grate on me a bit and really annoy me becuase its like being in a reltionship with a child who ‘plays’ sex and jokes about it but wont do it anymore. im starttgin to look around at other men. something i thought i would never do.

August 21, 2009 at 4:27 am
(83) Easy says:

This totally sucks for everyone, but I do feel better that it’s not just me. My husband and I had sex very often when we were dating and first married. I got pregnant a year and half ago and we didn’t have sex when I was pregnant cause neither of us felt comfortable, but to my surprise he was NOT interested in sex AFTER I had my daughter! It had been nine months, how could he not want sex? I couldn’t believe it! Ever since then things have been so different and I don’t know if it is because I gained weight from pregnancy or what. He, of course, won’t talk to me about it and when he does he tells me not to ruin what we have and stop over-thinking everything. Okay, whatever. I have a very bad feeling he may be having an affair and as far as I am concerned, if it is true, he is a complete jerk and can piss off.

August 21, 2009 at 10:51 pm
(84) Disappointed says:

I am on my second marriage, almost 15 yrs. My first marriage of almost 14 yrs was with someone who had a high sexual desire leading him into having affairs, and this husband has a low sexual desire and I am not sure when we had sex last.
I went through a lot of the same feelings as others have posted, and guess am at the point where I don’t care anymore about sex.
When I did have sex then I would want it more, so I guess I made the choice to stay married without sex.
Interesting that he is a flirt with other women at the grocery store, waitresses etc, if they only knew! I know our marriage could be richer, it is like living with your best friend.

August 24, 2009 at 6:33 pm
(85) Heather says:

Okay so here is my story. I married my hubby 14 years ago, neither of us was in perfect shape but we were at least attractive people and still are. A month after we married he began beating me and the control issues came out in full color, one of them being sex, only when he wanted it. I put up with his crap for the first three years until I decided to stand up, knock the ever loving hell out of him and throw his sorry butt in jail for a cpl months. You’ve heard that something will make a person better or bitter? Well let me tell you that standing up to him has made him very bitter and he still uses sex as a weapon as well as verbal abuse, he won’t dare put his hands on me in a violent manner again. He knows I want sex, he refuses to give it. If I ask for it or hint at it he gets angry and even more withdrawn if that’s possible. I get no form of affection from this man at all. We do not have kids so that is not an excuse, I work full time he refuses to work, I take care of the house he takes care of making it a pig sty, I do all of the cooking while he sits on his sorry butt, he is addicted to laziness. Yeah I’m his doormat and to make matters worse he blatantly flirts and makes sexual comments to and about other women in front of me and then can’t understand when I get upset and snappy with him. He also wants us to become swingers, I don’t think so! If he can’t love me and be satisfied with me I sure as hell am not going to give him permission to screw another woman right in front of me and pretend to be ok with it! Don’t hand me that crap that a man is geared to look by nature, that’s the biggest load of horse manure I have ever heard. They do it because they have no class, no morals and no damn respect for the woman they are with. Ladies, you can cry me a river but until you look at your man without your princess glasses you are going to be miserable and tolerate his crap because society has brainwashed us into believing we should be Miss Fix Everybody and Ignore Ourselves. Stop your crying, wipe your noses and be an adult. If your man is otherwise in good health, no medical problems or emotional problems then the only possible problem is he himself and not you. Stop taking blame for something that is not your fault! He can make any excuse under the sun and blame you for it all but it doesn’t make it true. Women need to stop taking on blame that is not rightfully theirs and force the people in their lives to take responsibility for themselves. You have a full time job just living your own life so stop the micro-managing and get on with living.

September 9, 2009 at 10:55 am
(86) katy says:

boy, what a find to realize that I am so not alone in this sexless marriage thing! We have only been married for 8 months and I feel like I am a hundred years old. It is a late marriage for both of us ( we are in our 50′s) but I truly have always been very desired by my former partners. This is all new to me (the rejection) and it is eating me up inside. We have HUGE fights about this subject that leave us both exhausted and sad and they never solve anything. The funny thing about my husband is I finally get used to being without sex and then he ALWAYS comes looking for it again after I have given up hope, what is that about? I guess I feel that if he has so little sexual desire for me, then why not give up on it totally so that we can have just a “platonic” marriage, at least I could get used to that after a while. Any other women out there have this problem? I really wonder if all of this is just an “ego game” for these guys??

September 9, 2009 at 10:33 pm
(87) Frog says:

i’m in my 20s, been together with the most wonderful and loving man for over 10 years. Ever since we moved in together his sex drive became lower and lower. Before we moved in we used to have sex about 3-4 times a week and now has become once or twice/month. Speaking to him does not help either since every time the problem comes up he’ll simply say he’s too tired and make apologetic gestures… and instead of sex i get few seconds of cuddling and then he will completely dozed off. There are times when he tries to “make pass” at me during the day but when it comes to actual sex he’s just not into it. I don’t understand why his sex drive is so low since our relationship is still very strong (at least i think so), we never fight or argue, not over-weight, eat healthy, no kids… i’ve tried verbal discussion and non-verbal ways like lingerie etc but to no avail. This really boggles my mind as to why nothing excites him. Our jobs are not stressful either but sometimes i wonder if it is because we are business partners that he got tired of seeing me 24/7? Seriously if our future marriage or having kids comes down to this or worse then i need to re-think it through. Why does it not bother him that we are having lack of sex life? I feel so terrible and i hate doubting myself for something that i did/didn’t do.

September 10, 2009 at 11:15 am
(88) pretty little wolf says:

I am so glad I found this website. I live in a very conservative community that doesn’t talk about these things and reading all these other stories makes me feel like I can get a handle on my own situation.
I just turned 24, I’m 5’11″ and average. I have been told I have a beautiful face and even though I am a tall girl I keep myself well and exercise/diet daily. I am a massage therapist so my life is working with my hands, showing affection and helping people improve their lives.
My husband and I have been married 2.5 years and he is european so finds my height and presence attractive. He was so hot for me before we married, we waited to have sex until after the wedding and then after a short initial period of sexual experimentation his sex drive dwindled into nothingness. He can go weeks, sometimes months without needing any intimacy. He’s a FANTASTIC partner in every other way, the love of my life and my best friend. He is the most chivalrous, caring, thoughtful husband you could ever want………but we live like brother and sister.
I have been trying for almost 3 years to find the root of the problem, changing our diets to eliminate all unhealthy sources of toxins, getting him to exercise to increase his testosterone levels, frequent massages and constant snuggling. He doesn’t feel physically bereft due to me at all! I am %100 there for all his needs, physical, emotional, spiritual, mental……………………………………….WHAT THE FREAK IS WRONG????????? I feel so unattractive, (unloved is the wrong word) I feel like it is my fault when I try so hard. My self-esteem is so low, I don’t even believe it when other men hit on me, I think “ha well you wouldn’t be hitting on me if you saw me without my clothes” as if I am defective and I rationally know I am not. He gives in and has sex when I beg and make an issue out of it, sometimes I can catch him in the morning when he first wakes up but it does not have the easy, natural flow of a healthy sex life. I feel like I am forcing myself on him and it compounds my guilt. Like I am some wild sex fiend (I was a virgin until marriage and completely loyal, he was even my first kiss!) and I know that not to be the case, I am timid and conservative.
I end up feeling like some kind of predator, a sex wolf that hunts penis! lol I feel like I am always prowling around waiting for an opportunity to strike!
We want a family but at 24 years old I can’t imagine living another 60 years with a man that won’t make love to me. I am too young to live like this. He feels awful and cries and says he’s sorry, that he loves me and can’t live without me. I don’t comfort him because I will feel like he is my little brother if I do. I let him cry.

I am leaving today. I won’t leave him for good but I need some time away. He has left me sexually and I am leaving him physically. I know that things will work out but right now I need to make a statement that I am hurt. My heart is sad and disallusioned, of all the tragedies you can plan to prevent…….this just isn’t one of them.

September 11, 2009 at 8:31 am
(89) TC says:

I am a guy with an issue that is the subject here. I don’t feel good about not desiring my attractive wife, but I think I understand it. Here it is, ladies: When we were dating (before marriage), there was an aura of excitement and newness about it. Once that leaves after being married for a year or so, the “excitement cloud” disappears and we start seeing the physical flaws we didn’t see (or focus on) earlier in the relationship. Men are hard wired for sexual novelty and newness (ladies, I’m only the messenger…it’s TRUE). The guys who have a strong sex drive well into their marriage often don’t restrict it to their spouses, but seek to satisfy it with other women. On the other hand, the men who believe in marital fidelity are more likely to “shut down” rather than go the infidelity route.

There you have it. It ain’t pretty, but it’s the way it is.

September 17, 2009 at 5:57 pm
(90) Newlywed says:

I am only married eight weeks and I really feel it was a huge mistake already. My husband has little or no interest in me, my body, my mind or of anything at all that is of importance to me. Our sexlife was never anything exciting or fantastic. Infact it never lasts more than about 5 minutes before HE is satisfied and leaves me so fruastrated that sometimes I go into the bathroom to cry.I too was one of those niave people who was sure it would get better when we got married. We don’t even have conversation anymore never mind sex. I feel like he is revolted at my body. I am of average height and weigh 9 stone – not overweight. I take care of my appearance but I honestly don’t feel comfortable anymore being nude around him. I was always comfortable in my own skin and never had problems with my ex boyfriends. Infact they could never keep their hands off me. I keep asking myself what is so wrong with me that he can’t love me. I feel very unloved, unwanted and unattractive around my husband and its cutting me up inside. Why did he marry me if he is not sexually attracted to me? I can’t remember the last time he hugged me or made me feel that he was even aware I exist.I hope this is not a taste of what our lives together will be like. If it is then I really don’t think I can do this.

October 3, 2009 at 7:43 pm
(91) Ana says:

I am 37 year old drop dead gorgeous and am married to my second husband for 6 years now (he is 42). We haven’t had sex for well over a year because he is not interested. For almost 2 years before that we rarely had sex (once a month, if that). So that’s 3+ years with almost no sex.

I can’t believe this is happening to me and am already going crazy!!!

He is great husband though, a good and charming man, and I know he loves me. Worse, he takes my begging for sex as great pressure and I know it is killing him inside.

Two out of my three closest frieds have told me they have the same problem. One said she did not know that for a year her husband forced himself by using Viagra about once a month to be able to save the marriage. That strikes me as too horrible a soluton to subject my husband to, a rape in reverse.

Very sad…

October 7, 2009 at 12:04 am
(92) Julia says:

I read these comments, and just want to tell you ladies, it doesn’t get better. After 22 years of marriage, my husband has rarely been interested in sex. I have tried everything, I have a whole drawer of lingerie that never worked. I support him in all of his endeavors, encourage him, believe in him, etc. He is not into porn or having affairs. He owns his own business and says he is just too tired. The worst part about it is that divorce is not an option. If you meet someone who is not interested in sex – move on. Living with a husband who avoids you is truly heart breaking.

October 11, 2009 at 7:51 pm
(93) Just Me says:

Okay, I am so glad that I have found this site.
I have been married since June, 2009. My husband and I’s sex life have really never been extremely active but we would have sex every couple three weeks, and I delt with that. Since May we have only had sex 3 times. We didn’t even have sex the night we got married.
I tried to talk to him on several occassions about this and all he could ever say is that he was stressed out.
Over the months I have made it to where he doesn’t have to do anything accept go to work and play his computer game thinking that would help.
It didn’t. We have had sex one time since July. I just send him a email a couple weeks ago thinking that if he didnt have to face me that he would feel better about talking about things. He didnt even respond. Please help. Im not sure what to do.

October 12, 2009 at 12:15 am
(94) Missy says:

I am seriously thinking about having an affair, my husband has stopped having sex with me after 2 years of marriage. We fight about it all the time…I can’t live like this anymore. He was terrific before we got married and very aggressive now he acts like a it is a chore…I am tired of toys and want what I want

October 13, 2009 at 3:00 am
(95) Denise says:

I was really happy to find this article. I am a 31 yr old woman, married to a great guy. Except he has never been a good sexual partner. We met when he came to town on business and we began a long distance relationship. After nearly a year, we decided to marry and sex has never been great, but we did get together 1-2 times a week. Then slowly it became less frequent. I am now pregnant and it’s been over a month. I am still attractive and have actually lost weight since we married 3 years ago,(40 lbs before I got pregnant), I take good care of myself. It is so hard to talk to him about the horrible lack of sex and closeness. He just gets rude and wants to hurry up and do me and get it over with. Or that’s how it feels. If I wasn’t pregnant I would leave. I think he wanted a baby and now that one’s on the way-mission accomplished, at least for him. It’s crazy to ask for sex and I refuse. I’ve gotten to a point where I feel like he is doing it on purpose and that hurts alot.

October 13, 2009 at 11:15 am
(96) Husband says:

I am a husband for some years now and I would like to apologize to the wonderful hardworking wife’s out there. I too have fallen that I have lack of interest in my wife. And it’s not just the sex, sex is great with her when it happens which is rare but never the less great. There are some many other things that get me upset, turned off, frustrated, annoyed etc. that my interest in her goes away. There are so many problematic situations out there that it’s hard to even grasp. If anyone wants to ask for an opinion a honest one feel free to ask. Maybe I can learn also and help myself out.

October 13, 2009 at 1:24 pm
(97) James says:

By reading these comments it seems to me like alot of you are in marriage for the wrong reasons. You got into it for sex haha how ridiculous is that. Sex doesnt last forever, true love is a self sacrificing choice not a feeling even tho strong feelings acompany it. Its up to you to make the marriage work and you need to realize that it is the fault of both, 1 for not communicating( a key component of marriage) 2. Not being truthful( another key component)

One sad thing about today is that our wedding vows are being changed to (as long as we shall love) instead of (as long as we shall live) and for any of you who want to research it or find the truth marriage came from the Bible ( historicly speaking )
The Bible is the foundation of marriage, maybe the people day should take a look at the Good Book. And enjoy that you have someone who loves you and follow threw with your vows there is not excuse for divorce

October 16, 2009 at 1:12 am
(98) one life to live says:

James (97)
Your take on the wedding vows is quite interesting because they were invented by people when the average lifespan of a person was a lot shorter than nowadays plus maternal death was so common that many men would remarry several times. Thank Goodness I went with a civil wedding only and not the religious one that puts this guilt trip from hell on you.
I am living once and I promised myself to die happily after my personal years of suffering in a sexless marriage.
I love my husband and I gladly would be close up and personal with him if he could but since he can’t or won’t I found relief and I am not talking the BOB (battery operated boyfriend) either.
Ladies, you live in your own personal abyss if you don’t get help, any help and wouldn’t it be nice to put all the horny people in one building and all the frigid ones in another and the world would be such a HAPPY and content place!!!
What are you waiting for???
There is also this thing called obligation to your spouse which is mentioned in the bible. My husband chose to ignore this part and I feel free to do as I please, no disrespect, just living my life as was intended by a higher being – there is a reason why we have sexual organs in our bodies!!!
Women peak in their 40s, men in their 20s, any question why there are ‘cougars’ among us??
BTW, no antidepressants either because I found satisfaction with another human being and that would be my recommendatin to any person who is stuck in a loving but sexless marriage. Also see Maslowe’s pyramid of needs.
I always wanted to open a CTS (center for therapeutic sex w/ approval for medicaid) but I don’t think it would go over too well with the spouses because they are still jealous even though nothing is being taken away from them since they are figid anyway.

After reading the posts I fully believe that there is a definite need for it though!!!

October 16, 2009 at 9:31 am
(99) one life to live says:

TC (89)
So, if this is the ugly truth about men whicg makes a lot of sense then let me ask you: Do you mind if your wife finds comfort with another man since you cannot satisfy her basic need?!
I was never a friend of matrimony vows because people change and turn egocentrical in their ways as they age but leaving your spouse in this limbo state of eternal sexual frustration is way below the belt line. The one who refuses intercourse is in charge of the relationship because of course a woman will not rape her husband and then her frustration turns into anger, anger into aggression, aggression into destruction, either towards herself or towards others….vicious cycle until the sexual frustration is taken care of. I am much more forgiving and lenient with my ‘love of my life’ husband since I found a loving boyfriend two years ago who sits in the same boat as I, ie sexless marriage.
I don’t have to pressure my husband into any action because I don’t need to anymore. We get along so much better because I found my equilibrium, my homeostasis, my happiness. The hormonal output during and after an orgasm is extreme and unfortunately this unforgiving society tells us to rather shut up and suffer.
NO Sir! No more of this!!! If you were an honestly loving husband you would find your wife a boyfriend/lover and let her have what she needs. She will bloom because all those hormones that are released will not only improve her mood but also her looks!!!
I am 47 and ‘married’ for almost 21 years. I feel like I am married to my roommate/best friend to whom, on occasion when my life gets to me, I offer the big D word and he won’t have any of that either because I must be taking too good care of him… I gave up on pressing the issue and I am tired of telling him to seek medical help with his high blood pressure medication that dropped his libido into the prepuberty stage.

October 16, 2009 at 11:37 am
(100) one life to live says:

(86) katy

Unless this is strictly a rhetorical question I would say that he is playing the oh, so evil control game: you want it but cannot have it unless I am willing and ready…. sorry, but I would draw the line right there ———-
Ego game is right, so what are you waiting for??? For him to change into this wonderful person who is going to satisfy your every need? You’ll wait forever, other people do not change, you can only change yourself.
Why do people in general think they ‘own’ a person once the marriage license is signed? I will NEVER get that!!!! Nobody owns us, we are free to do as we please so do it.
I understand that there could be economic reasons to stick it out with your partner but other than that I would get satisfaction somewhere else, and NOT by opening the fridge door or indulging in chocolate… your body is screaming out for other satisfaction.
Best of luck !!!

October 16, 2009 at 3:20 pm
(101) Izzey says:

I too am glad I found this site. I have been married to my husband for 19 years. We had a very stormy marriage for probably 13 years. I actually left him once and he convinced me to return. I did and vowed to make things work between us. The unusual thing is that he wanted sex during the years we were not getting along so good. Now, we have had sex only once in three years. The last two times prior to that I initiated and he just couldn’t really perform. Then about 2 years ago I rented a room in the mountains with a fireplace and hot tub. I took sexy lingerie and I thought surely that would help. IT DIDN’T. Then after another year and begging and pleading for him to tell me what was wrong, I bought another new “outfit” and everything was fine. I thought surely we were going in the right direction – Wrong – now it’s been another year. I have talked to him about it. I have asked him if he was seeing someone else. He says no that he loves me and things are gonna change, but they never do. He says it’s stress from his job. It’s funny to me the stress never affected anything before. A year ago I convinced him to go to the doctor to check his blood pressure, prostate, etc. and to ask for viagra if he needed it. His tests all came back good and he did not ask for the viagra. That makes me feel like he is not really concerned about it.

October 16, 2009 at 5:00 pm
(102) peanutt says:

My husband is very sweet and a great man. Sex was not great prior to our wedding but it was somewhat hot. On the first day of our honeymoon all interest in satisfing me came to a halt. So now sex is a quick 4 to 6 pumps in what may or maynot be a wet VJJ. Just a “honey I’m sorry I didn’t last longer. That was 5 years ago. Hopeless.

October 19, 2009 at 6:35 pm
(103) JamesT says:

I have been with my wife for 8 years now and married for 2. Sex was great to start and we have always had a loving relationship. Over the last 3 years or so the sex has become less and less frequent which is down to me, I find her very attractive in every way, but when it comes to sex I just avoid it. A lot I think has been down to stress about money and the usual things in life, but we do not have those issues now. Emotionally we still have a fantastic connection but that is all its become. I want to make this marriage work and would be lost without her. I know she would never look elsewhere but I know she must be hurting and feeling rejected. I just can’t pin point the moment things drifted apart and ended up like this. How do I get back to normality with her?!?!

October 20, 2009 at 1:38 am
(104) Sara says:

Mick, you are a jerk. If communication was prevalent in your marriage BOTH of you would be better off.

October 20, 2009 at 4:38 am
(105) Sherren says:

Hi

I have been married for 2 years and still virgin. Husband has zero desire to do sex. I want to have healthy sex life but i am scared of pain.

Please help us.

October 25, 2009 at 6:47 pm
(106) Rachel says:

Sherron,
You can slowly stretch your vaginal opening by using one to two fingers at a time over the course of a couple months. Once you’re large enough to fit 4 fingers in comfortably, you should be able to have sex with minimal pain. This is part of a technique used in natural birth to stretch the birth canal to minimize tearing. I suggest doing these exercises when showering. Be sure to use a lubricant and be very careful you don’t scratch yourself with your fingernails. The point is to improve the situation, not damage yourself. I also suggest reading up on birthing stretch techniques. This should give you the confidence to move forward. :)

Everyone else, I’m so glad to know I’m not alone! I can relate to almost all of you. I decided to stick it out for 7+ years now. We’ve had ups and downs, but we do love each other. God brought us together and we committed to be one. I know it’s hard. Trust me, some of the stuff we’ve put each other through would make a crazy movie, but we’ve stuck it out. I know it’s not easy. In fact, it can bring you to the brink of suicide if you let it. Just decide that no matter what, love can conquer all. It’s true, just keep pressing forward. And, most importantly, DECIDE to not remember the hurt or offenses he’s done against you. That’s the only way to truly heal this situation. You cannot keep a tally of the wrongs.

And for those ladies who’re taking care of things theirselves… I think maybe you are intimidating your husbands. Why don’t you get a Kama Sutra book or something similar and read a little to him each night before you go to sleep. Tell him how you didn’t know this or that, or hey, I’d like to try that, that sounds interesting… That way you’re learning together and he knows it. You’re not teaching him what you learned without him. Men want to FEEL in control and more ________ (you fill it in) than their women (it’s true, just work around it!). You should watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding and watch her mom deal with her dad. That’s the way you gotta deal with men. Be all you are and know all you know, but be sure to encourage, support, and praise them non stop or their ego’s will suffer … then you suffer in the bedroom. It’s the truth.

Now, for all those who want to try to make this work, want to do “one last thing” to improve their marriages before they give in… try this. The Love Dare. Google it and try it. It will improve things, but you have to be determined to do the whole dare.

God bless you all. I’m praying for your broken hearts.

October 26, 2009 at 12:59 am
(107) Harsh says:

To all the ladies out there – sorry for making this remark but can’t help it : Now you know what it feels like to be an average man. You feel so low because of sexual rejection. We men have to deal with it almost all the time. As for practical solutions to your problem, if your guy is not into affairs or addicted to porn, then the poor fellow must be tired. Hard to be interested in sex after working 10 hours straight, you would agree! Don’t nag him about it. See if you can take a relaxing vacation together without computers or TV. Give the guy some down time and things might work out. And yes, both of you should try to be well-groomed. Helps a lot.

October 26, 2009 at 1:40 pm
(108) Samantha says:

so from the beginning – me and my husband had A LOT of sex, for the first year…and then i got pregnant and we still had a lot of sex, towards the end we cut back a little bit because i had gotten so big that it was un-comfortable, and i delivered about a month ago, and we have had sex once since i delivered, and we both have gotten pretty wound up. and so that one time we had sex i was pretty sure it would have been amazing, but he stopped in the middle of it and said ‘I’m not really in the mood anymore’ and so we stopped. recently he has told me that he does not see me as a sexual being, but as a mom now, and the thoughts and ‘visualizations’ of me giving birth (he was right there helping) keeps running through his head and it freaks him out. HELP please…i need sex. =/

November 8, 2009 at 9:49 am
(109) JT says:

Hey ladies I have to say for those of you who have never changed in your sexual desire from the beginning of your relationship to now, I am sorry to hear of your situation. As a man with a hyperactive sex drive I have to ask, have any of you considered that the situation could be more than his sole decision? Personally my wife and I used to be refereed to as “bunny rabbits” because we had sex so much. But after the first year of marriage she started to lose interest in sex everyday, then it got worst and worst as time went on. I went through every range of emotions I can think of; from confused to irritated to depressed to angry then finally just disappointed and now acceptance. I had to make a decision, we talked and she said to me (and I quote) “sex is not a pivotal part of our relationship.” I decided not to cheat on her but I had to do something because I still want to have sex like a 18 year old. I am 31 she is 29 we have one child and her father takes care of the child every day. He lives 15 min away and will watch her whenever we like. She is a school teacher I am a graduate student. I make no demands of her, I help clean-cook-and basically whatever she wants. If she asks I do it, with a smile mind you. So in order to cope with her changes in sexual need I did the only thing I could, removed my view of her as a person I could have sex with. What I mean by this is, for any random woman on the street I may look at her and think “hey she is attractive” but that is it. I know I cannot have sex with her because she is not my wife….so I just did the same with her. It was the only way i could save sex (or the lack there of) from destroying our marriage. I do not blame her for a low sex drive or lack of effort or anything like that, nor to I think I am at fault because I never changed my attitude on sex. Apparently this is just life. So LADIES if you are in a sexless marriage now ask yourself was this always the case? Could he have been driven away by an unexplained lull in your drive and now you want him back? It does not work that way, I spent 4 years trying to understand and accept my situation, well I did and can now not have sex and feel fine. If there are any suggestion please feel free to speak up. I am listening….

November 9, 2009 at 12:24 pm
(110) Me says:

Harsh-It is harder for a woman to be in this situation because of the stigma, we have all been told a million times that men always want it…so now for our husbands to not want it leaves us confused and frustrated and wondering if it is us…

I’ve been married about 6 months now too :( Reading all this isn’t giving me any hope :( We are at about once every 2 weeks now, he says he is just not “into it” I know he’s not cheating and I am a little less than the weight I was at when we first met. So what is it?

Has anyone bought the book and read it?

November 10, 2009 at 5:36 pm
(111) princess says:

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years now. Over the last year or so our relationship has hit some lows as well as our sex life. We rarely have any intimacy apart from a cuddle. Ive tried asking whats wrong, pouncing on him, sending sexual texts but to no avail. Its now been over 4 months since we were intimate! and it doesnt look like its going to change. I dont know what to do. Its now making me feel really unattractive and where i used to make an effort to dress up or initiate sex it just makes me feel totally inadequate cause im going to be turned down. HELP!!

November 15, 2009 at 3:36 am
(112) K says:

It’s been interesting reading these posts. My husband is wonderfully intimate, but not when it comes to sex. We’ll do everything else (cuddle, say “I love you,” kiss) but he rarely initiates sex and when I do, he’s often too tired or dehydrated, hungry or too full. It’s gotten to the point that I no longer want to initiate because it hurts being told “no.” He tells me it’s not rejection, but it feels like rejection. It especially hurts when I think of the fact that before meeting me he had twenty-two sexual partners. I just don’t understand. When I try talking to him about it, his answer is always “I don’t know.” It’s frustrating, especially considering his past. He claims his past sexual relationships were unhealthy, but it still doesn’t make sense to me. Any ideas or insights?

November 16, 2009 at 1:45 pm
(113) FRUSTRATED1 says:

I am also glad i found this blog. I have been married for a year and our sex life is non-existent. He was like this before we were married, but I thought it was the stress of the wedding. Now that I think of it, I was always the one to initiated it, and most of the time, he gladly participated, but the other times he would push me away.
My husband has chronic “back pain”. He says that it is the reason why he is uninterested. But he cannot explain to me how it can be painful for him to kiss me, hug me, compliment me, go down on me, or anything that does not involve thrusting. I am, like most of you, a very intelligent, curvy, beautiful woman. I get hit on often. I know deep down that it is not my appearance or sexiness that is the issue. I think the bottom line ladies is that most of us KNEW what we were getting into when we married our husbands. We acutally THOUGHT that marriage was going to change them. I mean, he knew I was very sexual, and HE is the one who asked me to marry him…I never pushed him or was one of those woman who pushed for marriage. So, why are we complaining now? A person is not going to change who they are. To all the ladies who saw the “red flag” before you were married…You are asking your husband to change the way he is when you knew that was his character before you were married. When you accepted his proposal, you ACCEPTED him..he does not see the point in your crying, arguing, complaining and so on… So, that is the only responsibilty you should take. And the other responsiblity you should take is the one to yourself…GET OUT of the marriage. Maybe you thought Love would change everything..you thought if you loved him enough or if he loved you enough then it would change. But it will never change if he does not want it to. My advice to myself and to others is to GET OUT and go and find someone that loves you completely and has it in them to give themselves fully to you. Men who are not interested in intimacy (if not physical) have deep rooted emotional issues and prey on woman that are loving, and “givers” like me. Well, Im done giving, and so should you.

November 22, 2009 at 5:56 pm
(114) toughlove says:

Girls it’s all about control. My husband wanted “it” before we got married because I didn’t. Then when it was all legal he lost interest hardly ever initiating. At first he would give it to me if I asked. Then he stopped and he occassionally initiated. Then we separated. He wanted it again. He drug me to a counselor who told me I had to meet my husbands needs while we were working it out. I complied. After a while he again lost interest. I got cancer had many surgeries and gained 20 pounds. I still get lots of men looking at me and I’m told that I’m not fat by everyone around me. I’m not the skinny thing I was, but I’m not extremely overwieght either. He keeps blaming his wieght but then he over eats and doesn’t take any responsiblity. The other night I simply asked him if he could be more responsive since I found him masterbating and it hurt me terribly. He lashed out and told me I had to start excercising more if I expected more sex. That did it for me. Excuse me but I’m a whole lot thinner than he is. I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with him anymore until we both lost some wieght and got down to the control issues. It was getting to the point that to get laid I had to be turned down, get upset then let him come to the rescue and give me pity sex. Sorry but this girls done with that. Now of course he is all over it wanting sex again. The really bad part is it feels so good to be wanted that I don’t dare give in to his demands. The second I have sex with him he will be in control again and sooner than later he’ll begin to lose his drive again. I don’t have to answers but I’m not taking this laying down…excuse the pun. I’m making him work for it this time. Like I didn’t before we got married. If he loves me he’ll lose wieght, go to the doctor, stop MASTERBATING…and girls that is exacually what your man is doing or worse. It’s all about control. I’m so sick of games.

November 28, 2009 at 2:53 am
(115) Un-loved says:

My husband and I have been married for 3 and 1/2 years. When we started dating I was 175 pounds, wedding day 145 and now 131, so I don’t think it is about shape. Sex was great since we got together and up until about a year and 1/2 ago. However around that time he had a back injury and now takes pain pills for it. I have a hard time coping with this sexless marriage. I love him and will always be loyal, but I miss being us. We just moved into our first house and I wanted to have sex in every room, we have only had sex in the bedroom and the living room… once. I know he loves me and his medication is messing him up, but he also just seems like he has no interest in me at all. He doesn’t kiss me as much as he used to. I feel lost and fustrated. I wish he wanted me the way I wanted him, I would do anything for him to just love me. I am scared it is going to get worse.

November 28, 2009 at 5:36 pm
(116) JT says:

Un-loved : His medication may really be an issue – Please seek a professional assessment concerning the effects of the medication…you may be able to switch the dose or type.

toughlove: Sorry to hear it. Sounds to me (from a male point of view) he has issue outside of sex that are manifesting in this manner. I do not doubt he loves you but..”If he loves me heíll lose weight, go to the doctor, stop MASTURBATING” He should lose the weight, work out with him and compliment him – see the doctor about his mental or physical state?Perhaps both – no guy is going to stop MASTURBATING sorry that is not the issue so its best to let that go.

Frustrated: I AM WITH YOU! please read my earlier post, best of luck. Make sure you “give” what he needs, ask him and hold him to it….thus no complaints

K: Something probably happen in his past, therapy is probably necessary. Good luck.

princess: Talk to him one on one face to face, lay out your needs and wants and have him do the same. communication is key.

Me: Same advice as princess, talk to him. Once you get from him what he needs or at least his point of view you can build on that.

LADIES, as a man please consider what I have said. Its love not perfection that keeps marriages going, and by all means please throw me a bit of advise if you think it will help.

December 1, 2009 at 12:31 am
(117) mindy says:

I have been reading this thread as I am in the same situation and I just want some feedback on something pls. Background info: lived together b4 marriage, he high sex drive. Engaged = chnged overnight tried all the obvious: talking, lingerie, etc. to no avail. Now 18 yrs, sex life sucks weeks to months in between and then when he feels like it I’m just suposed to open my legs for him – I don’t think so. My biggest heartache is that he doesn’t look at me like I’m a woman anymore, I DO NOT TURN HIM ON at all. I walk around naked, nothing, I get dressed to go out he says you look nice like he would say to his mother. I have gained about 20 pounds since we met but I was very thin then, I am very attractive and receive admiration from men quite often though I don’t give out any vibes or anything(recently heard a young guy call me MILF) had to ask friends daughter what this meant EMBARASSING! Reading this thread no-one else seems to talk about the pain of your partner not treating you like a sexy desirable woman anymore I’m 40 now but this stopped when i was 23. I could get this from many other men but not interested, want it from my husband. Although almost at point where I will stray – only to feel wanted,sexy, desired etc.
Do others feel this way?

December 5, 2009 at 2:55 am
(118) Sharilyn says:

My story is similar to many here- we had a long distance relationship and only saw each other on the weekend. Affter we married, the sex stopped over the course of a few months. Within the first year, sex had become a 6 times a year or less thing. I knew I was in trouble when at 6 months we went to St. Lucia and never had sex. All the begging, pleading, initiating, trying to lay next to him hoping he would turn over and just hold me, crying, yelling- I’ve done it all. He would tense, pull up and away from me when I would try to hug or kiss him. I blamed myself for years and my self-esteem hit rock bottom. If I complained, he would mock me sarcastically or make me feel as if wanting sex was something I should be ashamed of. Life happens and time passes- after 7 or so years, I gave up trying to initiate sex with my husband and resign myself to a life without an intimate marriage. We started sleeping seperately, and things would have stayed as they were for God knows how long- we had been married for 10 years when I found out the truth. One day I happened to need his computer for something. He works from home and is always on his computer, he was away on a business trip- and what I found on his computer was horrifying. All these years I blamed myself. I was living a lie and he let me live it and suffer, all while he was using porn, chat rooms and fetish sites. He kept it so hidden. He had always claimed to be disgusted by porn, strip clubs, ect. In fact, everything he ever mentioned as being repulsing (smoking, ect.) turned out to be exactly the thing he was into (smoking fetishes, ect.) He openly admits that he is not interested in physical sex but is addicted to pornography and has been since a very young age, that typical story of finding the magazine in your dad’s dresser. The internet only feeds the addiciton more and makes it difficult to stop. It all makes sense now, but how unfair to me? I am a mom of two and feel trapped in this marriage to a man who will never give me the intimacy that I want. He admitted as much and begged for time to “get better” and it’s been a year and nothing has changed. I am bitter and our relationship has further declined to where we fight and I am withdrawn to the point of outsiders becoming aware. I feel like an idiot for staying with him and hate the fact that financially it is easier to stay with the economy and my job. I am mad at myself for staying so long and letting 10 years of my life slip away. How cruel for him to know how I was feeling and know that it was crushing my self esteem and my sense of worth? I would never hurt him like that. There is nothing he can do to for me to forgive him. I wish he had never entered my life.

December 6, 2009 at 6:19 pm
(119) Trayce says:

I am now finding myself in a much different position than I was a year and a half ago. My marriage failed due to my lack of interest in sex, the guy I dated for five years after that ended the relationship due to my lack of interest. I finally discovered that the medication I was taking (effexor) along with the extra weight I gained over the years, and the depression was all keeping me from having a “normal” sex drive. After all this changed, I finally got my sex drive back and met a guy who I loved having sex with. We used to have sex several times a night, every night that we were together. Then about six months into the relationship, I noticed that the sex slowed down dramatically. After that, it tricked down to almost nothing. I have brought this up several times with him, and he recognizes that he has a low sex drive. He blamed it on having a minimum wage job (although he had NO job when we first met) and other outside stresses. He told me he knew I wanted and deserved more. He finally got a great job about 2 months ago, and moved 7000 miles away. Because I love him, I moved too about a month later. I thought for sure that with him having a great job, our sex life would get normal again. Unfortunately, after 5 days of being here, I knew right away that nothing has changed. The only time I ever get sex is if he is drunk. We take showers together and he had no physical reaction. I am not overweight, I am not hard to look at, and yet I can’t figure out why he doesn’t want to have sex with me. We get along great otherwise. I don’t want to be like the all the people above who stayed in a sexless relationship for years and years. I just keep hoping things will change but I don’t see any end in sight. Is there anyone out there whose significant other suffered from a low sex drive and actually recovered? I need to know there is some hope!

December 9, 2009 at 6:48 am
(120) mindy says:

Sorry Trayce, after 18 yrs I have finally surrendered the hope that this situation will change. Having tried absolutely everything possible, I have resigned myself to the belief that he is who he is, he can no more change his low sex drive than I can make my sex drive go away.

December 11, 2009 at 4:47 pm
(121) JT says:

I am sorry to hear it ladies. I can only speak on what I know is said and meant between the men I know. My suggestion for you is the same as I gave a guy friend of mine, to be physical you must get physical – eat healthy, get in shape, offer-encourage-whatever it takes to get him to participate. Often men gain weight and lose any sex drive they had because of a sedentary lifestyle.
As for the porn issue, I have always considered porn easier than begging for sex. It is a crutch most guys can lean on, I do no know why a man who what never denied sex would prefer porn. I am sorry. Think hard and make sure he did not give up on trying and went to porn as an alternate because that happens often, I mean really often.
I is never fun when only one person changes, guy or girl. But its for better or worst ( in theory ) so acceptance and understanding is all we have. Lets hold on to that and find another hobby. Again I am very sorry for your situations.

December 12, 2009 at 7:31 pm
(122) Katie says:

I have been married to my husband for almost 6 months now. We have sex maybe once a month and that’s usually right after i pour my heart out to him. He loved sex with his other partners and in the 2 years we have been together it just seems like it’s been more of a chore for him. I haven’t gained much but i started out big. but isn’t the point to marry someone who loves you no matter what? And if he married me while i was big then he must have been attracted to be 6 months ago right? I have a huge sex drive and so i have to take care of myself daily and one time while i was taking care of myself i walked out on him taking care of himself too! right after he said he was too tired for sex!!!! what’s going on!!!!!!!!! i can’t help but wonder why he married me if he didn’t plan on having intimacy with me. And every time we talk about it it always ends in disaster. I feel so depressed. And honestly i know this makes me sound awful but I’ve been tempted by one of the other men in my life. i would never do it and feel bad even being tempted but i need lovins!

December 12, 2009 at 10:28 pm
(123) trayce says:

Mindy, Your husband has already ruined your self esteem, you don’t need to add to it. You may get instant gratification from straying, but in the long run, things could turn much, much worse. I really believe that if you cheated, you would be even more depressed. From what I am reading here, its not the women causing the problem. Has your husband consulted a doctor to determine if he has a physical or mental problem?

December 14, 2009 at 12:28 am
(124) Sharilyn says:

JT- “I do not know why a man who was never denied sex would prefer porn. I am sorry. Think hard and make sure he did not give up on trying and went to porn as an alternate because that happens often, I mean really often.”

Yes, I agree this is the stereotypical scenerio. But if you’ve seriously never met a man who has turned down actual sex for porn, I need to introduce you to my husband. Like you say, thinking back and honestly about it- I have never turned him down for sex. Of course, “never”is such a finite word, but I feel I confident enough that I can justify saying it. In fact, I don’t really recall many scenerios where he was in a position to be turned down since 99% of all sex has been intiated by myself. If and when he did suggest sex, I was so shocked I would jump at the chance! It has been years since he intiated any type of sex. He is more content with his computer. Which further confuses me since I am far from a stick in the mud! I have a wonderful collection of unused nighties that never interested him. Do you have any idea of how humiliating it is to stand in front of man wearing sexy lingerie and be turned down? I’m sorry but my situation is the exception to the norm of which you speak- my situation is opposite: Woman with high sex drive / Man with no interest in physcial sex, but habitually uses porn.

I also take exception to the idea that it is somehow expected of a man to turn to porn when he is constantly “begging for it” but not getting it. I hardly think that is justification. Moreover, I was married a very short time, as in 3-4 months, when I became the one “begging for it”. I begged him to be intimate with me for years, years, and years. I have lost sleep over it, stressed, and cried and finally became resentful, but I have never turned to porn or single’s chat rooms, or cheated or been with another man. But my sexual needs are not being met within my marriage and will never be met by this man. I’m curious- what would you say is “accepted” behavior for me in reaction to this? I’m a woman, after all, and I’m begging for it but not getting it.

I know you’ll probably reply with “get in shape” advice. I do agree that feeling good about the way you look can directly affect your sex life. I feel good about the way I look- other than signs of pregnancy and c/s scars from having two wonderful babies, I am physically the same woman he married, I would say even sexier, since I’ve had some life experiences- 11 years older and tired of going without sex!

December 14, 2009 at 8:12 am
(125) JT says:

Sharilyn

Thanks for the reply.

Let me expand on my views (again these are mine, I speak not from machismo but honest dealings with other men) Ok, you wrote

-”But if youíve seriously never met a man who has turned down actual sex for porn, I need to introduce you to my husband.”
–Yes men turn down sex for porn, but not usually until they have given up. This does not mean giving up on you or sex, he could just as easily have given up on himself. It is my experience that if he prefers porn its likely due to frustration/depression concerning sex, porn is easy it asks no questions and demands no qualifications.

The comment-”I also take exception to the idea that it is somehow expected of a man to turn to porn when he is constantly ďbegging for itĒ but not getting it.”

Nothing is expected for men, in different ways all men are different. For some of us we come to find out that our wives “sex drives” when we were dating/initially married was not in fact a true sex drive. More so performing an action, although not wholly unpleasant, which made us (men) happy and on more or less our schedule. After about a year of marriage this need to “keep us” is not longer so prevalent, thus more so their “true sex drive” surfaces. I understand this is not an issue in your relationship, I am just telling you one side of it. What I just said is not my thoughts or guesses but what I and several of my friends were told by our wives, during sex talks. Well I need the release, I tried everything I and several friends and strangers recommended, it just was not in the cards. And yes I know sex drives are determined for many by factors other than what some say is “want” of sex, like job, family, et al stress.

- You wote “Iím curious- what would you say is ďacceptedĒ behavior for me in reaction to this? Iím a woman, after all, and Iím begging for it but not getting it.”

– What is acceptable is up to you, I would never tell you what path to take, I could recommend things for you but we live as we can. So “acceptable” behavior…logically if you are asking and not receiving think of what the root cause is, hint: its probably not just sex – guys can have a myriad of issues that can cause a loss of libido. Work, his income/contribution to the family, personal issues…who knows. I am a big fan of asking, talking, volunteering information. This is what saved my marriage. If he is unwilling to talk to you try counseling but until you figure out what is truly his issue, nothing will change.

Lastly-”I know youíll probably reply with ďget in shapeĒ advice.”

Ok LISTEN UP EVERYONE, physically (only physically, prepare yourselves this will be shallow) a man “usually” marries a woman because he is perfectly content with her body at the time (considering this is not a shotgun wedding). BUT men see changes quite differently than women, you could have been 120 pounds when you were married or 200 lbs unless we are talking a major weight gain or loss if he has an issue with your body then in all likelihood it has to do with body composition. What women and men see are not the same, from a guys -guy point of view this is easy, take a picture of yourself naked in front of a mirror at all angles on the day of marriage-now go take one and compare. Please do not consider me cras or hypocritical I am just being honest, I am in better shape now than when I got married – this is due to the lack of sex so I use working out to help as well.

That being said, the men I am closest to agree we would rather have a woman we considered a 5 or 6 out of 10 physically, with a sex drive which matched ours than some ridiculous 10 of 10 model with a sex drive of say a 3. So in all likelihood its not a physical problem, its mental and its an issue for both of you, rarely is something truly one sided.

December 16, 2009 at 1:06 am
(126) mindy says:

Thank you Trayce for your reply, I cried when I read it. You are right %100, I do not want to sleep with any other man & I probably would feel awful about it & I know myself well enough to know that one day I would blurt it out to my husband leading to disaster. I also just heard about a friend of a friend who was sprung having an affair and her teenage children know about it, the thought of this devastates me.

Still here I am stuck in this horrendous shell of a marriage, there are days when I hate my husband and other days when I hate myself. Sometimes I struggle to be attentive & responsive to my children (who I love and adore beyond words)because I am consumed by my own misery. It is not just about sex for me but about the place I hold in my husband’s life.

A few years ago I had made plans with friends but my husband wanted me to go to his lunchtime office function, he said he understood if i didn’t want to change my plans but he would really like me to be there. So I cancelled my plans and went, he very briefly greeted me when I arrived and never spoke to me again until I sought him out to say goodbye because I had to go & pick up the kids from school. I am very socially competent and do not need my husband to hold my hand every minute when we go out but I was so hurt, I thought he wanted me to be there for my company, perhaps to introduce me to some of his new clients/colleagues but no it was just a case of it being a situation in which it was appropriate for me to be there – for appearances I guess. I told him how hurt I was and that I wouldn’t be attending any more of his work functions. I thought after a while he might miss my attendance at these occasions and GENUINELY want me to be there, not just for appearances. He has never so much as batted an eyelid, never mind miss my presence.

On another occasion my husband was doing a property development and had the opportunity to name a street, the kids were excited and so was I by the prospect of chosing a name of some significance to us all/our family. Then we went out to lunch with friends who we have known for 2 years and he told them he woud like to name the street after them, without a word from me they said he should really name it after our family, he then proceeded to insist that they allow him to name it after them.

I was so hurt for myself and for my children.

These are 2 instances among far too many, I do not talk about these to keep a tally but rather to show examples of onging behaviours which demonstrate time and again that the kids & I do not seem to hold an appropriately important place in his life, despite the fact that I have stood by him thru thick and thin.

I have decided now that I just want out of this marriage, I love him dearly, I really do but enough is enough. I just need to not be hurt by him any more, I feel I must get out of this marriage or it will kill me.

December 16, 2009 at 11:37 pm
(127) Lonelymama says:

I had no idea there were so many women who were in the same situation as me. I have been married for 3 years. When we first got together we were like rabbits for about a month. After that I have been lucky to get it once or twice a month. I always felt like it was something I was doing wrong. I am in decent shape, I try to be the “perfect wife”-cooking, cleaning, parenting our 1 child. I have also tried ignoring my sex drive, and befriending him, and wearing sexy lingerie to bed. I am never good enough for him. It crushes me. I just want to be touched. I need that kind of love. I can’t even count the number of comments that I have read off this page and I have started crying because I would think “That sounds like someone reached into my soul and pulled out my exact thoughts and feelings. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. I love my hubby, but I am growing wearry of this near to no-sex relationship. Although I have a kind, gentle husband, I feel like something is missing.

December 17, 2009 at 4:24 pm
(128) Melissa says:

This is all very interesting to me. My situation isn’t exactly the same as everyone else’s, but after 14 years of marriage — most of that time with a great, active love life — my 36-year-old hubby has definitely slowed down. It hurts sometimes, but he is a loving, devoted husband and father, and I know that it bothers him too.

Anyway, my experience has me thinking about this issue a lot, and my conclusion is that the media (TV, movies, magazines, Internet) sets us all up for failure, both men and women. We’re constantly exposed to images of beautiful people who seem to be ready to go 24/7. To be honest, I’m much happier in my marriage, which is wonderful (even with a little less bedroom time than before), when I’m not paying attention to the media images all around. The media would have us believe that women are only sexy if they have gorgeous features and a perfect figure, and that if men aren’t constantly horny, it must mean they’re either a closet gay or having an affair.

But neither of these is reality and it isn’t fair to either gender. It puts too much pressure on both. No woman can be perfectly sexy all the time, and no man should expect her to be. Likewise, sometimes men just aren’t in the mood, and women shouldn’t have to feel ugly or unattractive if their men are legitimately tired, stressed, etc., on occasion. Unfortunately, it’s easy for both sexes to fall into these traps because of these media-exacerbated pressures.

Don’t get me wrong here. For those of you whose marriages include no sex at all, I feel for you. I really do. Sexual intimacy is a natural, important part of marriage, and it’s unfair for one to deny the other partner of this experience on a regular basis. But I do believe that aside from physiological or psychological problems that could be behind it, the whole sexual culture around us could be a major factor.

One last point and then I’m done. Think of it this way. Back in the day, men and women had pretty tough lives, working hard oftentimes just to make a living. They didn’t have all kinds of sexy lingerie, makeup, high heels — all the trappings we have now — yet there was a low level of divorce and some of these families had 10 or 12 kids, so you know they were “keeping busy.” Well, that was before TV, the Internet, Victoria’s Secret Fashion Shows, Viagra, etc., etc. They didn’t need all that stuff! Frankly, I think we were all waaaay better off then.

Good luck, everyone!

December 17, 2009 at 4:32 pm
(129) JT says:

Melissa,

what is “regular basis” just out of curiosity? Good points all around, I would hope me realize this but sadly most do not and from the posts here some never do.

December 17, 2009 at 8:29 pm
(130) Melissa says:

Hey JT,

I guess it’s whatever feels right for each couple. I don’t think there’s a set amount of times that’s “normal.” However, if one spouse consistently turns the other down, they owe it to their spouse to explore a solution (i.e., treatment for depression, if that’s the cause). Or they need to be honest with the other, as difficult as it may be, about why their interest has waned. It might hurt to hear that a significant weight gain has caused a change in your partner’s libido, for example, but if a couple is loving and communicative, they should be able to work through it.

Just my opinion, of course.

December 18, 2009 at 9:43 am
(131) JT says:

Melissa,

Good point and excellent stance on the issue. I only wish more men and women had this stance on sexual relationships. Thanks for sharing and if you have any advise concerning my post or other I am sure we would welcome it.

JT

December 19, 2009 at 5:01 am
(132) belinda says:

hi . me n my partner have been together for nearly 6 years. wen we got together and after we moved in we had sex around 3 times a day or more. it was like we couldnt get enough of each other. we have 2 kids as a result. then in the first year it was once a day. over the last few years it started to die down. now nearly 6 years later .for someone to just stop have sex its weird we havnt had sex in 3 months and his losing interest in me. i think hes cheatin but i have no proof to confront him wat do i do?? im going crazy i feel so alone i have no family or friends to talk to about this

December 19, 2009 at 9:07 am
(133) JT says:

belinda,

Have you talked with him? You know him better than anyone here so you have to talk to him in a kindly manner which he will not view as accusatory or attacking. It is paramount to your relationship that you figure out what has changed in his mind.
Be prepared for anything and try to distance yourself in such a way you can listen and not be offended ( I do not know how sensitive you are so try as best you can). His reasons could vary immensly, and no one here can tell you what he is thinking….but here is my two cents.

Think back to what you had during the “good times”, I am guessing about 5 years ago.

Freedom of doing things without kids?
Financial stability?
Physical condition for both of you?

What is it that is different? We all know things in some ways inevitably change, but a lot of men want things to stay the same as those “good days”. Now everything can not be reversed (can’t undo responsibilities) but perhaps you guys can relight the flame by paying more attention to what the other really needs.

So talk talk talk….and be the bigger person if things get heated. How a person feels is never wrong its how they feel. So perhaps if neither of you play the blame game on a regular basis a discussion can solve some of this.

December 21, 2009 at 1:47 am
(134) Melissa says:

JT,

I went back and re-read your initial post. I have to ask, how old is your child? I remember that my interest in sex diminished a little in the first year after having our daughter. I think it was a combination of exhaustion, stress, and dissatisfaction with my appearance. When my desire bounced back later, I was surprised to find that my husband was harboring some resentment over the “lull” that he had not mentioned before. He gave me some payback by playing hard to get for a while. It was actually kind of amusing, since he had always been the aggressor prior to that point.

Once we entered our 30s, the trend continued, and it seemed like I would initiate more and more often. We both rather enjoyed the role reversal and so it stuck. And it’s definitely true that women reach their peak later on BTW, as my desire increased ten-fold in my 30s with seemingly no end in sight (I’m in my mid-30s now). So maybe there is still hope for your 20-something wife! :-)

I want to give you credit for staying true to your marriage vows. I hope that your marriage is a happy one in every other way, and that things improve for you.

December 24, 2009 at 1:25 am
(135) D says:

Those of you who’s husbands are disinterested in sex… is he spending more time online after you go to bed, is he hitting the gym more and more? Does he have a buddy that he spends a lot of time with… without you? Well, perhaps he is so deep in closet that he is finding christmas gifts. So, good luck!

December 26, 2009 at 1:03 pm
(136) gull says:

thanks god m not alone.its been 9 month of our wedding.i m pregnant of nine months.we were totally strange for each other.he never take interest in me.i always begged him for sex.i ask him,he never asked.sometime i go crazy on me that why m i so desprate for sex.i start cry in bath.its hit my ego that i always ask.sometime i could not touch my body just because of my sexaul power.he touch me hug me kiss me every day.but for sex he ll say i m tired.i m going to sleep.he want me to sleep naked with him.and he used to put his hand on my breast.its drive me crazy.make me cry in the dark.but not allowed to talk to anyone.i love him so much.he is the one who touch my body and my soul.i dont know what to do.its make me depress when i strat thinking that may be i am not attractive or anymore beautifull to him.how come i can make him realise that my feeling are going away.i am feeling alone inside.

December 26, 2009 at 10:54 pm
(137) TH says:

Gull, I understand. My man and I have talked about it, until finally he said he never wants to hear that subject brought up again. So I sit and suffer with no one to talk to and no way of knowing what’s going on. I would like to have the answer for you, but all I have is questions myself.

December 27, 2009 at 9:12 am
(138) JT says:

Melissa

Hey, good call. My daughter is 2 but the sex drop off occurred after the 1st year of marriage (year 2005). I cannot say she lost more interest after the baby was born…there was not a whole lot to start with. Once it was no longer necessary to have sex with me on what I have learned was almost totally my schedule, well that was that as they say. I totally understand your point with your husband and the “lull” time generating resentment. I experienced the same.

I was also the aggressor for years, I do not try nearly as hard anymore but I also understand her level of “sexual interest” is not low or bad, its hers and its OK whatever it is. I can’t blame her any more than I could blame myself.

Oh and the sex drive increasing in her 30′s, we she is 30 this year and although it would be nice I am not counting on anything. That way what a glorious surprise it would be. ( GOOD LORD PLEASE…OK back to reality…).

I look at marriage as a dice through, we win some things and lose on others. No one rolls a perfect mate, we just hope we can enjoy what we get by accepting the faults/tendencies of our mates (both male and female). If you win more than you lose you rolled well.

By the way my wife is trying now, been trying for nearly 2 weeks. I can tell she is not totally in to sex all the time but hey she is trying. Although not great its better than only having the traditional alternative, by far!!

Tucker

December 28, 2009 at 11:31 am
(139) segun ojemuyiwa says:

im 43 never married be4 wit no kids yet because i realy want to get on top of the source of discontent among married couples.one factor i noticed is impatience.some behavioural pattern i discover will self expire if the other spouse do not demand it stops immediately.pestering your spouse to come out of an undesirable pattern is dangerous.can we begin to accept our spouse as we find them to have evolved into.can we begin to show him or her we are in this together for life and therefore i dont care how long it takes for u to come out of this negative pattern ,i will still be here loving you.the bible says we count them happy who endures.cant we study how thorns grow into lovely roses .our pestering our spouse into our desired pattern itself is the source of low libido.i noticed i may so much desire a woman sexually but one caustic remarks may be all that will make me shudder at the thought of seeing her naked ,not to talk of having sex with her.women are made for men ,so the bible says.a woman who will enjoy her man must accept to research her hubby like a phd thesis .just imagine what will happen if your husband discover you keep a notebook on him ,noting every details ,noting his likes and dislikes.he will be so thrilled and that will earn the woman great dividends.a wife is divinely gifted with so many ways to rekindle her hubby libido and sex drive.even an impotent man could be salvaged if the woman will be patient enough and learn to say and do the right thing.sexless marriages are largely a result of our omissions rather than commissions.human tends to keep scores and every cold shoulder you give your spouse gets paid for down the line bringing to the fore the need to have a religious reference point which clearly moves you to forgive wrongs and not keep account of wrongs.the bible asked us top confess your faulkts to each other.if refusal of sex by your spouse hurts you real bad,you must say so to him in the most sincere way.we will never be able to say with certainty what our spouse will evolve into but we can prepare ourself to negotiate every stage of the marriage with wisdom.with wisdom and patience a sexless marriage could once again revive.let us not go into marriage with the belief that our spouses will meet all our needs.there are vacum in women that only a deep religious affilliation to a supernatural being can fill.i will therefore not date a woman who has no space for GOD cus very soon she will long for me to fill the spce in her soul only GOD can fill.marriage is a blessing.it is meant to be but only if rightly approached.no 2 men are alike.no 2 marriage are alike .produce a doctoral thesis on ur spouse and read it out to him in admiration.your spouse will be amazed and it will surely marks a new beginning.

December 29, 2009 at 9:54 am
(140) JT says:

Segun Ojemuyiwa,

Yeah maybe not.

I understand your train of though but if the spouse (be it man or woman) in question does not think on this level. Straight disaster lies ahead. Your are right to wait for a woman who holds your types of values and thoughts on these matters.

I have to disagree with the concept of filling her soul, but I am not as religious as yourself so I can understand your point without reservation because it is your belief.

You are right about acceptance and communication, see my earlier posts, and I venture that anyone on the brink of divorce should try your advise because they have nothing to lose.

Keeping a dissertation, Masters degrees have thesis – PhD degrees use dissertations, on your spouse has to be a very carefully done thing. I know many men who would think of it as only a log of what they do wrong even if the manuscript was 90% positive. Not a suggestion I would pursue first , bu t hey that is me.

Good Comment, quite thought provoking.

December 29, 2009 at 3:44 pm
(141) cindy says:

I have been married 20 years and have gained 60lbs. My husband comes straight home every night from work, but all he does is eat and watch tv, then falls asleep doing this anywhere from 7to10pm. we have to go to bed every night by 10 at latest.Hes gives no attention at all. no compliments. we havent had sex for six months. he doesnt even hold me in bed. If I try to talk about it hes mean and yells its not his fault. He yells at my driving he doesnt like my grown children. hes mean about every littlr thing. its obvious to me hed prefer to be left totally alone. He has moved out and left our 9 year old with me over and over me with no job. he has turned his whole family against me. last time he moved back his grown kids wanted to beat me up for stuff he told them. our house burnt down and he left me and our daughter, and never called or viseted her the whole 4 months while we rebuilded alone without his help.we always wind up back together, him for the home, me for financial reasons mand our 9 year old. im 45 and feal too old to start over.I think hes wanting to leave again and we need him, I could nrver pay the bills alone. why does this happen…. he also is friends with the ex wife when he leaves, and his single brother is miore than happy to provide him a bedroom. my husband is 50 years ol fat and ugly.im overweight but good looking.any advice would be appreciated.thanks

December 30, 2009 at 1:40 pm
(142) JT says:

Cindy,

I am sorry honey but you are not married. You are a object he can control and govern because you believe you need him.

For the sake of your child be strong and leave. Go to a woman shelter. Get out now. I know you have heard this before but it is the truth, he is no good for you and 60lbs be damned that is nothing.

Do not allow your daughter to associate his actions toward you as acceptable otherwise you doom her to your current life.

Leave, get help, go to a woman’s shelter today (Bills be damned as well).

JT

January 2, 2010 at 1:16 pm
(143) LisaM says:

Love my husband dearly. He is the object of all my affections. I long for him; however, he just doesn’t seem interested. What gives? We hold hands, we talk, we kiss, we hug … and then it comes to bed. I always get “Good Night” … that tells me he’s not interested. I feel like I am being rejected and after so many rejections it’s really beginning to take it’s toll on me. I’ve NEVER been interested in anyone other than my husband, but I am feeling like finding someone just to have sex with on the side to fulfill my needs. What’s wrong with me?? I love him so much, I just can’t the ongoing rejection much more.

January 4, 2010 at 10:07 pm
(144) Melissa says:

Segun Ojemuyiwa,
I have to agree with JT on this one. If I kept some kind of notebook on my husband’s likes and dislikes, he’d think I was a whack-job. Plus, your advice comes across as a little one-sided, but maybe that’s just because you are specifically addressing the women on this forum. I’m a pretty spiritual person myself, so generally speaking, I concur with your faith-inspired thoughts about marriage. I just happen to believe it goes both ways — men ought to show their wives the same level of care and attention as you prescribe for women.

LisaM,
No, there’s nothing wrong with you, but please don’t act on your cheating thoughts. Since you love your husband, it will only cause heartbreak for both of you (trust me on this one). How long have you two been married? Do you ever get intimate at all?

January 7, 2010 at 3:01 am
(145) SOLEDAD says:

I MEET MY MAN FIVE YEARS AGO, WE DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSES FOR ABOUT A YEAR, HE RESPECTED ME, IT FELT GREAT TO KNOW THAT OUR LOVE WAS GROWING; KNOWING THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS NOT ONLY BASED ON SEX. HE ASKED ME WHILE WE DATED IF I HAD TO HAVE SEX ALL THE TIME; I TOLD HIM NO. WHEN WE STARTED TO HAVE SEX IT WAS GREAT BECAUSE OF THE DESIRE I HAD FOR HIM, BUT I REALIZED THAT HE WAS NOT INTO FOREPLAY OR ANY OTHER POSTION THAN HIM BEING ON TOP. HE ALSO SHRUGS WHEN I GRAB HIM, HE HATES IT. I FOUND MYSELF LOVING A MAN THAT IS NOT AFFECTIONATE, ROMANTIC, AND ESPECIALLY NON-SEXUAL. MY MAN IS ALWAYS TIRED HE FALLS ASLEEP ALL THE TIME( WHEN WE GO TO THE MOVIES, CONCERTS, PLAYS). I SHOULD OF KNOWN THAT THIS WAS TROUBLE. EVERYTIME I TALK TO HIM ABOUT OUR PROBLEM, HE ARGUES AND TELLS ME TO GO FIND SOMEONE THAT CAN GIVE ME SEXUAL PLEASURE EVERYDAY, GOES TO THE ROOM AND FALLS ASLEEP, WHEN WE DO HAVE SEX ITS QUICK LIKE LESS THAN A MINUTE AND THEN HE FINISHES, THAT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. WE HAVE NOT HAD SEX FOR OVER A YEAR NOW.EVERYTIME I TRY TO INITIATE SEX, HE MAKES EXCUSES.WHEN I WEAR SEXY LINGERIE HE TELLS ME THAT HE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX. I AM TIRED, ALONE, SAD, REJECTED, CONFUSED, DEPRESSED, AND APPALLED WITH THIS SITUATION. HE IS A GREAT MAN, PROVIDES FOR ME , I KNOW HE LOVES ME, BUT IT HAS BEEN GETTING WORSE, I WAS A WOMEN WITH ALOT OF CONFIDENCE, IN WHICH DIED LAST YEAR. I AM GETTING READY TO MOVE ON,!

January 11, 2010 at 1:13 pm
(146) wasabi says:

My partner and I have been living together for 6 months and I moved across country to be with him. Since I’ve moved in with him, our sex life has been diminishing. We have a very loving relationship with lots of communication and touching, etc. He seldom initiates sex. When I try to initiate, he says my approach is wrong i.e. I’m too direct (playing ‘footsie’ to him is not sexy to him) I’ve tried to flirting, etc. Zero response. All the things that ‘worked’ while we were living apart now seem to be ‘wrong’ to him. I feel rejected, unattractive and sad. Not sure what the answer is, I don’t know what the right approach is with him anymore. Any suggestions?

January 11, 2010 at 3:57 pm
(147) steph says:

I have only been married for a year and a half now and my sex life is very sad. It is so sad to see so many of us in here like this. At first he was great, almost every night. It started to slack off I guess after a year of dating, although I knew this was slacking off I loved him enough to marry him. I thought for sure it was a phase and would pass. Now, I have to beg for it like a child in a candy store wanting candy. It is very very sad. I started down the road of drinking and then realized that was not the path. I am tired of hurting, of feeling so insignificant and most of all unloved. I truly believe he loves me but all the excuses (tire, back hurts, ect.) are old now. :(

January 12, 2010 at 12:15 am
(148) kim says:

I just found this thread while sitting here wondering why I feel the way I do…… I guess I am not alone. I have been dating a guy for several months now…. we have had sex a total of 5 times. I feel like it is me, but he tells me that he does not know why he cannot stay hard during love making. He can stay erect while having oral sex though……. It makes me feel like there is no connection between us. He is a perfect man otherwise, but I do not know if I want to get tied up in someone who cannot be intimate unless he is getting a BJ?????? What do I do?

January 14, 2010 at 10:11 pm
(149) Danita says:

I have only been married to my husband for 6 yrs now but a lot of it he was deployed, so we haven’t been physically together the entire time. He had back surgery about 3 yrs ago and ever since our sex life is almost non- existent. We have sex maybe 1 time every two weeks. He says it’s because he’s in back pain. I can understand that but he does nothing else to make up for it and I feel like he is not turned on by me anymore. I have gained a bit of weight since I got pregnant with our son 3 yrs ago. I’ve tried talking to him about trying different positions but he doesn’t even put his hands on me in between sex so I feel like it’s me. I don’t feel sexy and often cry myself to sleep because I want to be with my husband but am afraid to try because of rejection. Yes, I’ve been turned down plenty of times even wearing lingerie. I don’t know what else to do anymore. Some days I have doubts about our marriage. I really could use some advice or suggestions.

January 15, 2010 at 3:07 pm
(150) Kate says:

Wow. This was so timely. I thought I was alone. Been married to my husband for 7 years- two children 18months and 4. I haven’t had sex with my husband since my daughter was conceived…do the math..thats a long time:)

I am now thinking of leaving, am very confused..how did we get here? I think my husband is a good man, but I am indifferent to him, because I really don’t think he cares much about ME really.

It started before marriage- the lack of sex. I should have known. If I am going to be honest- which I have a hard time not doing- the truth is I SIGNED UP FOR THIS… I knew before we got married that the sex wasn’t red hot with him- but I married him anyway- he is a very good man. But I am starved for an emotional connection… I didn’t sign up for that.:(

I never thought in a million years I would be contemplating divorce, but I am. The only thing that keeps running through my mind- are my two beautiful daughters. What are the ramifications for them – with a mother that leaves their father, doesn’t stick it out?

January 16, 2010 at 1:57 am
(151) love stinks says:

Wow! This site is amazing. I thought I was alone but the ugly truth is I am miserable just like you ladies. On one hand, I am glad I am not alone, but I am sick to my stomach to read your comments. My husband and I have been married for 6 years. Our sex life is virtually non existant. I don’t know if its me, if he’s gay, or if he is cheating. what ever it is, its just sad and pathetic. I, like many of you, contemplate divorce and cry myself to sleep because I am so confused. In many ways, he is a good man, but he falls so short in the areas that it matter. I don’t know what I am going to do cuz it puts me in a bind, both spiritually and mentally. I don’t wanna leave or cheat, but it seems like both are great alternatives! and to deal with the conseqences later. at least I won’t be miserable anymore! I don’t have any kids to be an excuse so what is the use of staying?

January 18, 2010 at 8:51 am
(152) John says:

Ok, Kristy, I am going to be as gentle as I can when I say this, Your husband is probably gay and does not want to admit this to himself. Unfortuneately, many gay men (and women) try to do what society expects…as we all grew up being told that man and woman are the only real relationships. I had dated women when i was young, and before I hurt any of them, or dragged them into my situation, I had to find out why I felt attracted to other men. 25 years later, i am friends with all of my old girlfriends, and i am open to my family and friends. Being gay is not a choice, unfortunately, many people think that it is.That is why so many people who are gay/lesbian get married. They truly believe that marriage will ‘fix’ their desires, make everything ‘normal’.
After some time, they realize that the feelings do not change…or go away. they are left with excuses, sexless marriages, and pain for both their partner and themselves. Being trapped by their own misunderstandings of who they are, what was expected of them, and why they did what they did to try and stay in mainstream society’s favor. The bottom line, is to be true to yourself always, whoever you are. Never assume that a situation or someone will change you. Only you knows who you are, and only you know what can make you happy. So if your husband has had gay porn magazines and has never been that intimate with you, do not be angry with him or expect him to be able to do anything he isn’t emotionally able to do. It would be best if you both sit down and have a real honest talk about what would be best for both of you and would make both of you happy. Pretending that this is a faze or that it will get better, or go away is a fantasy.
He may be a wonderful man (or woman if it is the other way around) But the truth is that nothing, not even counseling can change anyone’s honest instincts that are born into them. They can deny it for the rest of their lives, but nature creates a balance with everything, including men and women who are born to be attracted to the same sex. When I was young, I wondered why I was gay. But as an adult, I understand that we all are created in different cultures, languages, sex, preferences as nature had intended. Best of luck with you both.

January 21, 2010 at 2:50 pm
(153) JT says:

Ladies,

Communication is key and it probably the only thing that is going to save your marriages. You should not give up or as I have give in until you at least try and discover the “true” problem. As I have stated in earlier posts unless you really let it go its probably not your body, so do not kick yourself over that. Men can be quite emotional and hold grudges as well, I did and I will freely admit it. (I will comment on this later)

To be fair those of you who saw that the sex drive of your partner was never very high and thought it might get better…to quote Kate “(I) signed up for this”. Sorry but you cannot change his level of desire, it is innate and part of who he is.

For those of you in my situation, ( I am male however so this is from a different point of view) everything was hunky dory in the bed room and even outside of it (adventurous style) until the end of the first year of marriage. I felt like I was lied to and deceived, but actually …now that I am older and can look back on things subjectively… my wife was never truly as into sex as I was. Not saying she was a prude but she did what she needed to so I would be happy and my silly self thought I had found a woman who matched my drive perfectly. She wanted to keep me happy and did a great job at the time. After our marriage things fell off until the end of the first year when it got real lean…I am talking 2 times a week and only on her side with little effort if any. I swept through every emotion within me, which is quite limited I admit, confusion-anger-dispair-a little depression-and finally disapointment. Now I just accept it. Now I did have a grudge of sorts, I decided to let her taste what I was going through. I knew we were on the edge of considering divorce but the only way I could show her was to distance myself. I am not recommending this for anyone this is just what I did. So about 2 years ago after trying everything I could think of I stopped viewing her sexually at all. I used exercise and pornography to make it through and it worked, during this time I made sure to support her extra hard in every other aspect, as she does with me. This was the only way I could get her to face what was going on, we talked, and now I can say she is trying. Its not great but she is trying.

So perhaps some of the men in some of your lives are doing the same? I do not know but it is a thought. I cannot tell anyone what to do but it took her facing the facts and us talking to make it better, it is by no means great but I understand I have a hyper and she is hypo sex drive in my view (whether this is actually true is irrelevant, its how I feel).

So ladies for those who saw the writing on the wall and still joined up, sorry.

For those who were under the delusion things were great when they were not, I feel your pain.

For all I recommend patience and understanding, try to see that your spouses is entitled to there sex drive, its not bad or good its theirs. We all have to adjust becasue everything you thought you knew about someone before marriage is suspect, many of us just did not know it.

JT

January 22, 2010 at 5:54 pm
(154) POSSIBLE ANSWER! says:

yesterday i opened a book and the answer for me was right there.
My boyfriend and i have dated off and on for 10 years. Thinking back on it now it all makes sense. Even the 1st time when we were both 18, it was me who initiated and he pretended to be half asleep. I blamed his lack of sexual aggressiveness and passion on him being inexperienced and shy i mostly blamed it on his addiction to computers and video games
I would get fed up with the pot and video games and end up in a relationship with the fist person i could get affection from. the years we were apart he never dated other girls
when we would start talking again id assume he was playing uninterested and hard to get because i had hurt him by leaving him. i always had to initiate.
now we are 28 and hes quit the computer and games. so thats not an issue. He begged me for another chance, said he had changed and he has weve been back together for 6 months and he has been awesome except for one thing SEX!!! and now there is nothing to blame it on. he just isnt interested. and i need it like at least once a day….at least!
He purposed on Christmas and like an idiot i said yes.

The problem is it makes feel so ugly and disgusting to have to ask for it, like a fat girl begging for cake! Even when i do get it, Its awefull its so awkward boring and uncomfortable, completely passionless. Im starting to panic and look for a way out before its too late.
So back to the book…. i open this book on marriage at the CVS drugstore and it says. If about 15% of marriages its the man who gets the proverbial “headache” and this is almost always because 1. he was raised by an over barring mother and has power issues he will either play dead when confronted with sex or expect you to beg for it. 2. that he may have homosexual thoughts because he was introduced to sex and pornography from a male family member maybe or was molested.
In my case he and his brother were both molested by his mothers boyfriend and taken away to live with a very opinionated controlling grandmother. I have never noticed and homosexual tendencies in him i think in my case its the over barring maternal figure.
I’m too young to resign to a sexless and more important passionless existence.
The hard part is that when i try to leave him he has a break down and his whole family hates me for it. He swears hell never move on with his life and he has proved over the years that its true.
I have to either live with the guilt of leaving him (AGAIN) even after we got engaged in front of all his friends and family or feel ugly fat and unattractive and bored for the rest of my one life here on earth.

January 24, 2010 at 12:15 pm
(155) JT says:

Hey POSSIBLE ANSWER,

I am sorry for your situation, the writing is on the wall and I suggest you read it. Tell him what your issue is and suggest you both get counseling on his terms. Offer to go out of state to get help if it helps. Before you decide to leave make sure it is because he will not make to effort. If he loves you he will at least try.

Under no circumstance do I suggest you marry this man without trying to get some help. Its one thing to think everything is awesome in the bedroom and find out later it was more effort to keep you happy than actual desire BUT it is an entirely different thing to know there is not want/need and still sign-up for life.

I would walk and never look back, or accept him and his drive for what it is and get married.

I live the world of more often than not having sex that is “awefull its so awkward boring and uncomfortable, completely passionless” and do not suggest you joint up for that daily smack in the face.

Just my two cents.

JT

January 25, 2010 at 7:37 am
(156) Another one says:

Before moving in we were at it like rabbits. Moved in and things slowed down. Got married and things slowed down even more. Got pregnant and STOP. Had baby and FULL STOP.
Do these men just think that once they “have you” they don’t have to try anymore to please?
I never thought it would come down to sex just 3 times in the past year, all instigated by me. Maybe I would have got some more but I am so hurt by the constant rejection that I hardly bother trying anymore. I refuse to beg and he doesn’t seem worried about lack of action…
I do think they love the chase and once they have you are disinterested leaving you lonely empty and emotionally dead.
I hate him but now find myself with a baby and trapped.
I can’t help wonder if he has cheated on me too in the past and feels guilty?

January 28, 2010 at 8:19 am
(157) Mitzy says:

I have been around this block more than a few times,and at my age I have concluded that almost all marital issues are really more about control and the “all about me” issues.
Problems start when either of these marriage killing “attitudes” surface. Both men and women are guilty of putting the IDC or the AAM before the mutuality and unity of marriage. (I Deserve Control, and All About Me are ALWAYS marriage killing behavior)
I could address the symptoms of these issues but all the posters pretty much have done that already with one exception, when it comes to laying blame in any situation the person (male or female) that is the “withholder” has become the “taker” or controller irregardless of what has happened. Withholding ALWAYS backfires, more so if it is related to
Security
Money
Affection
Time
Appreciation
Praise
Understanding
Consideration
Obligation/Responsibility/ie spouse 1st
Support/Defense of spouse to others
Parential obligations/attention to children
Sex
When all of the above are a withheld as a “prize” for letting one or the other “have it all their way” not an “our way”, a marriage is certainly doomed to be a satisfying one, and usually ends in divorice……..the big “prize” of unchecked selfishness and a failure to do anything about it, from one or both parties in the marriage.

Each person HAS to do some real examining of their behavior………and Both have to decide to “meet in the middle” or resentment (the worst marriage killer as resentment is the precurser to divoice as growing or a basket full of resentment is like carrying TNT around with you all the time.
Resentment is a warning sign to the human animal to escape the explosion both mental and physical that is about to happen when “needs” to feel human are denied. We should and often do sense “danger” to oneself….as resentment builds. To be denied being “human” is to cease to BE human. This is true for men and women.
Some people are just SELFISH, or have been led to believe that “ALL about me” is ok when dealing with others. All about me is ok if it is JUST you.
Many people think they can use their marriage to see that the “all about me” is enhanced or continues like it did when it was “just them alone”.
Those people use “marriage” to trick people…….into a slavery of serving the other at his partners expense. Usually such “con men and women” never change, they just use up, put down, destroy and walk away guilt free looking for another “victim”.
What I read here (and have experienced in my own marriage) is extreme selfishness from the withholders…….or the AAM types and or the NAM (never about me) payback of the spouses of these people who are now seeking revenge for the cruelity.
Rather than to “see themselves” in the situation..they “seek revenge” for the man down to the man up.
It is the inabliity to “relate to your fellow humans plight, (sometimes not really in their total control such as having children, gaining weight, bodies changing, and outside stress ie the “stuff of live” interferring. Patience is in order but expecting never ending patience is going too far.
Some people do not ever appreciate what they have, until lost and some extremely selfish people or those with an unnatural sense of entitlement…..never do.
If a good JOLT (to get someone to let go of their selfishness) doesn’t do it, nothing will.
People often “substitute’ things for what they are NOT getting……….If a spouse is substituting……..WAKE up. Some people can come to prefer the substitute……this is what withholding any of the above can cause.
Talk once or twice, but talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words, some people have hearing problems though…….they can use their eyes just fine. Some people do need to “see” what they have refused to hear. Some people Want to be victims…….as then they do not EVER have to deal with what they have instigated or harmed with their own selfishness. These people make horrible marriage partners. The are ALWAYS the victims in EVERY situation and use their selfishness to justify more selfishness. Walk out on those people, and do not look back, they do not learn or care about anyone but themselves. Some where they were damaged and it had nothing to do with you, and your willingness to try to “understand” or try and make the needed changes in yourself for their benefit.
These are facts of life and can rarely be changed by “love” alone, God loved the world, and all of his creations and and yet the world still destroys itself and others every day. Love alone isn’t enough……..and actions do speak louder than words to MOST people. Do what you have to do, and do not ALWAYS do without what you need.

January 29, 2010 at 6:37 am
(158) Mitzy says:

I can’t help noticing in many of the posts there are catalysts that often preclude any “change” in the passion or frequency of sex. With men it is something to do with physical looks, or the reality of idea of marriage ends the action, with women it is “after the baby came” as the possible reason..interestingly weight gain usually occurs or is set off when one is pregnant or after a preganancy.
Nothing is so heart wrenching to a woman than to have had sex to create a baby, only to find because of the baby……..there is no affection from your demanding spouse or any help and understanding forth coming and no hope of sex, for a while anyway. She can easily feel “tricked” and resentment can grow directed at “her better half” who is not behaving “better” at all.
She then begins to realize you were and are, “only interested in what YOU (the guy) got out of the bargin.” SEX. PERIOD.(whether true or not, that is a frequent revelation while dealing with so many changes in her numerous changes and new responsibilities) She wonders where the affection that used to lead to sex has gone. Were you so “goal oriented” in your affection?
There were no reprecussion to your body, or on your time. It’s like you got good sex and she got a bundle of “joy” to deal with the rest of her life, and you are “blaming her” rather than “stepping up to the plate” of maturity and responsibility, and she begins to worry if you are “mature” enough for the task, what with yourself being so selfish about YOUR needs so soon, and punishing her (paying her back for turning you down” even though she is ready or not right now, for not being able to meet them when YOU need it.
Like adults didn’t think creating a new life, might take a tad of the focus off the parents needs. I mean how will these situations fare when he or she has an injury or something that means a temp. lull in the sex dept. ?
I realize that it can be a bit of a shock to really LIVE the time it takes the deal with a newborn or small child, or in just how many ways children can be demanding or really NEED to come first,(or will be around with needs for a long, long time) but I also notice immaturity in many of the guys reasons for resentment “after the baby came” excuses. It shows incredible focus on themselves.
I have also read how pregnancy and childbirth and the child arriving or being put in the “came between us” category, can be the most high risk time for cheating and/or actually beating the woman (in marriages or relationships with abuse present).
What this says to me is “this guy” who whines that nothing is good, after the baby came and uses that as an excuse is that there wasn’t much maturity in him to begin with. It is a major immature and selfish attitude to start “punishing or blaming” any of this on the wife. She is doing what nature intends, or most women are. It is hard to be giving to so many, all at the same time, when you have lost “self” too boot,. It takes lots of adjustment for the rest of the couples life.
Sure it is tough to be “put on the back burner” while a woman deals with a child or children……..so why don’t you help out and grow up a little?
Look at is as an investment in YOUR future “chances”. Some day you will lose your drive and abilities in that area way before she does, and you will want her to be “kind and understanding” and creative about that.
It is also tough for women when men are never home to help out..or expect a sex prize for doing so…or when working or whatever. Or like I said when you are “old” and YOUR equipment doesn’t always work the way SHE would like.
Where is your creativity to modify the way you had relations before the baby stole your “hot” mamma?
Why is the AAM syndrome present in these “men”? The loss of her freedom, and her looks in many cases if only temporiairly, the added strain on her body, the never ending exhaustion 24 hours a day at the same time she is having to care for another human unable to meet their own needs and you are beginning to treat her like you would your own mamma and worse use her “weakened state of self awareness” while doing all of the above to “prey” on her like vulture coming in for the kill over “not enough attention for yourself” is appalling to me.
Don ‘t men even care about how selfish and demanding this makes you look to your wife? How sexy is selfish and demanding or immature behavior?
I mean once a child arrives you can’t “put it back in the womb” and she can’t turn to you and say, “ok, I will ignore the babies needs for you”. I will ignore everything I am dealing with that can be MAJOR and takes time to adjust to and focus on YOU.
When she finally has time to feel like sex again, or be rested enough to even think of HERSELF once in a while……..she will remember WHY else she is so “not in the mood”…….the way you treated her, preyed on her, failed to support her, and have yourself turned “childish and demanding” and having to decide between a “nap” and indulging you, she would prefer the nap.”
So now you punish her, by “drifting” away so you can feel justified in your selfish behavior as it is all her fault? Go figure.

January 29, 2010 at 9:36 pm
(159) Mita_girl says:

Im so glad i fould this girls!

me n my partner been married for year n half.. we only had sexy 5 time.. i wan a baby and 6 months ago we decided to have sex everyday to have baby but never worked… it kills me when i c other babies. i dont know when he is going to understand me or if he ever will..

i dont no what to do!! all i wan is baby! i love his to bits and the worse thing is he agrees with me i m right but he never take any actions. everythin we argue about sex and i dont no what to do! i m tired of fighting now.. he can sleep in peace but i cant. I dont no what to do.

February 5, 2010 at 1:13 pm
(160) JT says:

Mitzy

Lets not label all men here. I am sorry for those women dealing with the issues you are highlighting. Everything is a two way street and both partners have to help when they can whether it be children or any other responsibility.

I will grant you there are men who “behave” in exactly the manner you described. There are also women who make no effort no resonable effort to remeber they are married when considering all the out of house responsibilites they are encumbered with.

Marriage is tough. No other way to say it and it take compromise at the level that both partners should feel they are giving more than the other because people think differently about different situations.

Its ok to rant and rave, this is why this discussion is here but lets not label every man as a single minded unhelpful horse, and no every woman is “holding out” or putting there husband so far down on the list folding clothes comes first either.

Just my humble thoughts,

JT

February 6, 2010 at 2:37 am
(161) rowan says:

well, i guess since guys are into “newness” after they get married, and are more interested in getting off to other women, new women, we should all just become cheaters. lets stop putting ourselves through this crap. and start getting what we want. if they wont deliver, im sure somone else will pick up the pace where they left off! im done! im finding a damn sancho, after i have this baby. and if he wants it when im no longer pregnant… its not going to be my problem!!! what goes around comes around. im done being denied. im joining the men, and getting my newness on!!!

February 7, 2010 at 3:52 pm
(162) Lady in Pain says:

I have been married for over thirteen years and the sex more or less started to die off after 13 weeks. He’s not interested in sex with me. He used to tell me he didn’t want to floss his teeth so he wouldn’t go down on me. I shaved the naughty bits. Still nothing. He tried to tell me all manner of reasons. He breaks my heart every day, but he’s done the ‘in sickness and in health’ part so well, I have not left him. All I am is the friggin maid here. Last year, I told him we needed to open up the marriage. We are both bisexual. I guess he figured I’d only want a girlfriend. When he found out that I was hoping to arrange a long term, infrequent FWB arrangement with an old friend I could actually trust, he freaked. Apparently he is allowed to have a boyfriend, but I am not. Why not? He’s sure as hell not putting out at home. There’s Cialis in the cupboard but he won’t take it for me. He’s saving it because he wants a threesome, I think, and is holding out on sex for THAT.

I’ve done some reading and come to the conclusion that I married a passive-aggressive. I’m just his maid and housekeeper. I’m living in a small town with few employment opportunities so I am stuck with my part time job, and unable to support myself on my own, otherwise I would leave.

Life is hell, and eventually, I will take my life because it sure as hell isn’t worth living now. The only thing that makes my life bearable at the moment is having a dog. When she dies, so do I. Her death will mean time for my escape from this miserable existence. I won’t desert her and leave her with him in case he forgets to feed her in his self-centered existence.

If I would have known 13 years ago what I know now, I would have never gotten married to him. I deserved better than I got.

February 7, 2010 at 7:07 pm
(163) Sheri says:

It is very important that you talk to someone immediately and let them know you are feeling this way – someone who can talk to you right now.

If you see a psychiatrist or a counselor, he or she is the person to call. A family member or friend is also a good choice. If these options are not available to you, please call a suicide crisis hotline.

In the United States, you can call 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255.

Here is a web site that lists other hotline numbers in the U.S. and around the world: http://hopeline.com/ries.asp

I am so sorry you are hurting right now. It is so difficult for those of us who are reading your post to know how to help you. We can’t see you or talk to you; we can only let you know that you are not alone, and that there are people in your life and available on hotlines who care about you and who can help you to work through this.

Please reach out to them.

Sincerely, Sheri

February 9, 2010 at 2:44 pm
(164) Lisa says:

I am 33 yr old female my husband is 18 yrs older then me, we have 3 children together we have been together for 15 yrs and married for 10,our sex life was amazing and he could not even keep his hands off me often coming home for lunch or calling in sick.Our sex life is null and void now and has been this way for the past 4 yrs, my husband takes heart medication which does not prevent him from getting an erection or keeping one, he can put out just fine when he wants to but there lies the problem.he never wants to,his idea of sex anymore is roll over and 3 minutes later he is snoring and thats maybe once a month. I have tried talking to him over the years only to get promises of things will be better, then the fights over sex where he told me i make him feel like less of a man,my threats to leave,i have tried being playful and joking with him just cuddling with no pressure to have sex but each time i am shut down excuses continue hes tired, he doesnt feel good. I am not a prude, and he knows this i dont mind porn if thats what it takes.I have tried oral sex,anal sex,i have given him pleasure only, in the hopes of being reimbursed later,i have tried just making out with him. Recently when we were going to bed he said “I want to make love to you, i just cant bring myself to do it, i try lisa… i really try sometimes.” he had been drinking when he said it and when i told him about it the next day he said he didnt mean it that way i took it out of context and got mad.the comment was such a blow to me i hear it all the time now in my head there is no other way to take the comment,i am desperate and hurt.he makes me feel like i am a sexual predator always trying to get him to have sex,i am lonely and the few times he does attempt i am unsatisfied and frustrated.my satisfaction means nothing t him and its almost as if he only tells me to roll over so he can say he tried.theres no touching or intamacy and now i don know if i want him to touch me,he made it seem like having his arm dipped into a vat of acid would be less painful then having sex with me.I dont know what else to do anymore i feel hated and little,i dont even feel human anymore ,he just makes me feel like im some rapist if i even put my hand on his leg the excuses start..and now that the alcohol spoke the truth he has been not saying for so long,what do i do now?apparrantly my feelings do not matter anymore either.i feel so very far away and the ache for someone to find me attratcive to heat up to the touch of me is so great that sometimes it feels suffocating.I am attractive and funny i am pretty and other men hit on me all the time,however my husband acts as if him having sex with me would be the same as me asking him to perform some kind of impossible task.I am falling down a well and with each attempt getting closer to hitting the bottom.

February 11, 2010 at 11:45 am
(165) Kim says:

My Husband and I have not had sex in over a year and a half. We were married only 2 years. He want to Iraq and his low sex drive became non existence! He put me down after the baby was born. I am very pretty and sometimes loss my confidence. He is going to see someone. I am starting to realize it is not me. I am a sexual person, and this is very difficult to live with. For better or worse!! I lived through Iraq all is family issue and now this. VERY HARD to deal with

February 12, 2010 at 7:13 pm
(166) lisakay says:

I have been with my partner who is now my husband for a year now. He has an injury to his foot which he is undergoing a lot of physio for but he seems to have a low libido as well. But despite being in the early stages of our marriage, we have still never had that “honeymoon period” sex life where everything is exciting. and between periods I am lucky if we have sex more than 3 times. He always seems more interested when I am on and he thinks we can’t do anything, But the worst is like two out of those three occassions he will barely last two minutes which isnt even time enough to fake anything. I love my husband (more than anything, even when he is being an ass) but I have a really high libido and I am really struggling with the fact that I always feel like I am waiting on him to give me “permission” or something. And when I finally do broach the subject, I am in the wrong for having a problem with it. In all honesty I feel heartbroken as I feel my marriage is more of a flat share than a relationship these days, and because of this I spend most days crying. But what do you do? I can’t leave him just coz of sex, I actually love him. So instead I stay, unhappy and try and figure some way of getting him interested. (something which even after the injury heals I dont think will happen) I don’t know what to do and I am heartbroken…

February 13, 2010 at 1:13 pm
(167) susan says:

My husband and I had sex before we were married then when we married we did not have sex for 6 months after,……I do not even get a hug or a kiss. It makes me feel like crap. I have been marrried for over 10 years am I that ugly and disgusting that he does not want anything to do with me now that we got married. i am very depressed over this now one really knows how this can affect you when your husband does not even want you.

February 13, 2010 at 1:24 pm
(168) sue says:

i understand with emotional detroyed person below. My husband “married” me so he would not lose me he says but then he gave no affection after we were married. he said that we did all that before we were married so we do not have to do it now. he makes every excuse. I am 53 years old hurst my back at work do not have a job getting fatter and more depressed This “man” has sucked this life out of me I feel ugly unwanted old fat lost hurt hno self esteem no hope feel like I am nothing at all. He does not like my children or family firiends to come ove or call on phone. I am nothing.

February 21, 2010 at 1:12 am
(169) Christy says:

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, together for 6 and I love him with all my heart but I can’t keep living like this. ABout 3 years ago our sex life took a turn for the worse. We have sex about once every 2-3 months. He is 29 and I am just not understanding what is going on. It’s not just the sex that has ceased, it’s all types of intimacy or closeness. There is no cuddling, touching, etc.. I am a very affectionate person. I love hugs, kisses, being touched and not just sexually. I recently found out that he’s been hiding the fact that he looks at porn. I calmy(surprisingly enough)talked to him about it and he said that it doesn’t turn him on and he really doesn’t know why he HAS to look at it. He says he’s drawn to it and he gets a certain image in his head and feels compelled to search till he finds it whether it takes him 5 min or 5 hours. It’s always the same “type”. 18-24 years old, gorgeous and flawless. He SAYS he never masturbates and the images do nothing for him yet he can’t stop.
He says sex is great with me so why do we never have it? How can he spend HOURS searching for pics that supposedly do nothing for him yet he can’t have sex with his wife more than once every few months. This is really wearing on me and I am becoming self conscious and constantly blaming myself for all of this. He keeps saying we’ll work on things but it never happens. I have tried everything from lingerie to sexy pics/videos…NOTHING seems to work at all. Can someone please shed some light on this for me. I am utterly confused and hurt. I’d be ok with it all if I just understood why it was happening. Everything was fine for the first few years then all of the sudden WHAM! Things changed and never got better. Thanks in advance!

February 23, 2010 at 3:23 pm
(170) ronald says:

From what every one is saying on this site is I’m in the catagory of a husband who dosen’t want sex.
And it is true I don’t even want to go there. I’am
in my mid 60′s and my wife is in her 60′s also. My wife would like sex once in a while and she whines at me about it. We’ve been married 43 years an I would guess the last sex was about 20-25 years ago.
When we first got married we were both virgins, wedding night wife wasn’t in the mood for sex, and when we did go on a honeymoon things weren’t a whole lot better. When we had sex, I just couldn’t get into it.It was like Ok we did that so whats next. It never was exciting, we didn’t experiment it was always missionary and nothing else. Time went on we had two kids and they seemed to consume all our resources. I worked nights and weekends, my wife worked part time during the day. We saw each other coming and going at the front door. Needless to say sex was pushed to the bottom of the list. Here we are in our 60′s, I have high blood pressure, colesterol issues, mild depression and sleep problems plus I weigh to much. I take pills for all that. All these pills have erased my libdo. Can’t take viagra or anything like that, it effects my eyes, I get dizzy this is on the low dosage. So maybe I have something wrong with me. Its to late for sex. I’m fine without the sex and intimacy thing.

April 10, 2010 at 12:57 am
(171) janey says:

I am glad to find this forum. You can really beat yourself up, thinking you are the only one out there. My husband has always been a heavy set guy. It never bothered me. When we met he was heavy set. We have always had a healthy sex life. Have been married years now….but the past year or so….the sex life has gone significantly down hill.

He has spoken to me about it, saying that the past year or two…the additional weight he has gained has made it “uncomfortable” for him to have sex. He says he still wants to, but I always seem to have to bring it up.

I am pretty confident based off of the continued love I still get, and the fact that we are always together, that he isn’t cheating. There are NO other signs of that, other than the lack of sex.

Plus I do have his blood work report that shows a very low testosterone level. I just want to make sure it isn’t me he is dissatisfied with. And plus….the main question is…if the sex part of the marriage is diminishing, does that mean the marriage isn’t that far off from diminishing as well?

I am not worried about me…persay. I would masterbate forever, sooner than cheat on him. I just worry more than my marriage will fall apart due to the lack of sex?

Any comments or help would be appreciated.

April 20, 2010 at 2:23 pm
(172) segun ojemuyiwa says:

sex urges starts from the mind and spread to the genitals. most men struggles with deep issues they seems unable to discuss with their partner out of a knowing of the negative way the spouse is sure to react. there are 3 circles in a marriage, one for both couple to surrender the resources needed to sustain the relationship such as patience, sincerity, money, care and the 2nd circle is exclusively for the wife and the 3rd is exclusively for the 3rd. respect for the circle that exclusively belongs to the wife or to the husband helps achieve stability and helps the feeling of freedom while being married. to think because i’m married to a woman, she has lost her personality and all her ingrained habits, good and bad is the only mistake to make in marriage. marriage calls for discretion, discretion in actions and comments. monitoring your spouse steps is a recipe for disaster. most humans do not like the feeling of being caged. if you know you can’t fulfill your spouse in any particular area. that area calls for utmost discretion on your part. you may not be able to tell your spouse to help herself or himself out but you can refrain from making needless statements and taking needless action when you noticed your spouse seems to be solving his or her problems. extra marital affairs as bad as it does appears needs a reconfiguration. we must take the bible as a reference standard from which we cannot afford to stray too far away from but we must also accept the bible concept of marriage assumes spouses are virgins before marriage. the bible precept concerning marriage is bound to have a hindrance when resorted to by men. a man/woman who as a single enjoys different partners is bound to experience withdrawal symptoms when he/she attempts to be faithful in a marriage. it is the quality of support in these transition period of many to single, slim to fat, employed to redundant, young to aging, atheism to spiritualism or vice versa that will eventually play out in the sexual arena. to tell a wife or husband that an extra marital affair will bring back life into their marital life is to suggest the unthinkable. most men will confirm this, the sex that doesn’t saddle you with any care thereafter brings out the best in them sexually. wives learn to be sexy for your husband, learn to relate sexually as if what happens thereafter is not his problem and he will not have to pay heavily for the sex. most men seems to know that there is a heavy price to pay over to the wife after sex and the thought of that makes them lose interest. I will close by letting you babes know the most vital sex organ in the woman is the tongue. can you keep a tab on your tongue for a while, say a month and tells us the result on your sex life.

April 21, 2010 at 12:18 am
(173) shygrl says:

I can empathize with # 36. If you are someone that is withholding sex in a marriage and refuses to seek help or deal with the issue then you have no right to expect miracles

April 22, 2010 at 12:22 pm
(174) dcsteve24 says:

title=”I’m that man”
Me and my wife have been married for 8 months and I hate to say this in this article, but i am the man that doesn’t want sex. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I see my wife struggling and wanting me, but i get so angry so easily and it makes me resent her. She nags about everything, not just sex or our relationship, everything. Yet, she does nothing. It aggrovates me to death but i can’t ever bring myself to say anything nicely. It always comes out rude and starts fights. I’m still atracted to her and want her, but she aggrovates me so much that i resent her and would rather be 100 miles away. What bothers me more is even though we do have sex about 2-3 times a week, it’s never enough. She still complains to friends about not getting it enough and makes me feel horrible. When we first married she promised she would try and keep in shape, like me, along with housework, and cooking together. None of this has happened, and i think it’s just been getting to me and turning me away. Instead she would rather eat out every day and sit on the couch. I’m slowly losing my love for her and i hate it, i want us to be together forever and ever cause she is truly my better half. I’m still horny constantly and masturbation just doesn’t cut it, yet 70% of the time i’d rather be sex deprived than deal with my lazy weight gaining wife. I need to know how to wake her up and make her realize what i need before its to late, but do so without arguing. Please help!

April 26, 2010 at 9:30 am
(175) JT says:

Its been a while since I have been on this site. For those who care I am a man. There has been no real change in my marriage, but I have changed pertaining to sex. I understand my wife more than I used to. When if comes to sex I was always wanting. I found after we married that sex was high on her priority list until she began to take on other responsibilities, she is a home maker and has to have everything just so…(clean house, organized life..blah blah blah). Well after the first year of marriage want and participation in sex became one sided (my side) and it took me years to understand that she just was not as intrested as I am and did her best to please me at first. Do not get me wrong she still tries every now and then but effort and true desire are different in the bedroom.
Well as a man with the sex drive of a 18 year old even in my 30′s I was faced with a major problem. I have always equated desire and love, not just sex (although that is big for me) its more the want or need for me I loved. I do not need compliments or support as some of my male friends do, nor do I need food cooked for me or a clean house, I can do all these things (willingly). I need the sexual attention and I was not getting it, she told me twice a week was plenty for her. (Now I though I was doing something wrong and really talked to her about what I could do to help, technique other efforts anything). So my sex drive was unrequited and it began eating on me.
Please listen up ladies this is important…..

You may be able to change your sexual intrest but I was not. I did not cheat, and will not, but I had to do something. My sex drive became a cancer to our marriage. So I locked it up. I love my wife and respect her so I did what I thought was best. I removed her from my sexual thoughts.

This was tough but I did it. I can look at a random woman on the street and think “she is attractive” but that is it, I know I cannot and will not sleep with her, so I move on. This is what I did with my wife. Yes I still want sex so I work out masturbate and use relaxation techniques.

Perhaps some of you desperate women should try this, it can’t hurt.

By far I have found the sexiest thing about someone is something you cannot see. Their mind. As I tell my unmarried friends learn who you love and determine if you share fundamental wants. Here is the senerio I give them:

1) Think of your ideal partner (not just sex but of course this is the point), body type, eye color, whatever…your idea of beauty.
2) Now cut that in half:
3) so not we have a ideal “10″ rated person and an “5″.
4) Now consider this (sexually or in whatever fashion you created your person), would you rather have a “10″ who participates in the actions you desire most twice a week? Say that “10″ has a sex drive of “5″ OR would you rather have a “5″ that is at your level and matches you and your desire?
5) Get to know someone and do not be infatuated by appearance

Please do not get me wrong, I have a happy marriage (poor-decent-happy-great-excellent), so I am not complaining. My wife tries but its like me watching lifetime, I can do it but no matter what you can tell my heart is not in it.

Take my situation and flip it male/female, life can get better just try to get yourself in line with what the reality of your marriage presents.

JT

April 28, 2010 at 8:49 pm
(176) Frustrated.... says:

What a relief to find others who ae experiencing the same thing…

I was on/off with my current partner for 2 years… in fact our relationship started as a sexual thing, along the way the friendship grew and he often called me his true soul mate. I moved interstate and after a year, he decided to move to be with me…

We have now been living together for 4 months… we have only had sex once, in 3 months.

I am at a loss…

He gives my cuddles, tells me he loves me… but it all leads no where.

I was in an unhappy relationship/ marriage for 10 years, I’m 33… I don’t want to waste my time again with someone who just doesn’t desire me.

He says he still finds me beautiful.. and I am attractive – when I go out other men are often flirting with me.

I ask him if he is happy… and he says it’s not me or us – he is just unhappy with himself & he knows he needs to do something about it.

I can’t bear this situation. I love him… but if he doesn’t want to be in a real relationship that includes sex, then all we have is a great friendship. That is not what I’m looking for…

Last night, I found that he has been looking at live internet porn so that he can get off – he spends money watching random women, yet wont have sex with me despite me saying I’d like to. I am a real woman, sleeping in his bed & who is actually very good at sex… (we used to have incredible sex together & it was amazing)

How much longer do I wait? When do I ask him to leave? This is destroying my self esteem that I fought so hard to regain after a terrible marriage.

I just don;t think I should have to accept a sexless life…
I can have friendships that are fulfilling – but a relationship that is completely sexless is not a future that I want…

April 30, 2010 at 7:50 pm
(177) amy says:

Until I found this forum I really believed that I was the only woman feeling the way I do. I have been married for 6months and for the past 3 months have not had sex. I have always been a sexual person and up until a few months ago I would have no problem initiating sex, but then my husband began to tell me I was being too intense,after a few tiimes of me trying and it resulting with him pulling away,telling me I was ‘intense’ or just being ‘too tired’, my self esteem was beginning to shatter and now 3months has passed and nothing. I feel like a shadow of the woman I was 6months ago. I am constantly doubting myself and our marriage,and as this goes on it is beginning to spill over into other aspects of our otherwise good marriage. I have tried to talk about it with him many many times but it usually ends in him shutting off and me in tears crying myself to sleep. I am beginning to feel depressed,unattractive and withdrawn in myself, I dont know what to do. The only time we argue is over this, last night we had the discussion we’ve had so many times before and he said if I had more fun with him then he might feel like sex….I couldnt believe that he was saying this as its because of him not wanting to be intimate with me for so long that I have ended up feeling so depressed,which is stopping me from being the carefree sexual woman that I have always been,I dont know what to do and would appreciate any women out there to reply to me with any solutions you have found that have helped. I love my husband very much but I dont know how I can go on like this as it is destroying me inside and destroying my marriage

May 2, 2010 at 5:51 am
(178) valerie says:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we have a daughter together.we are both 20. In the past few months he has been working with his uncle doing construction,doing heavy lifting,building and the like.and when we have time alone,he wants to sleep.when he’s not,he’s working,an when doing niether he’s spending time with our daughter.I love the fact that he’s a good provider a hardworking man and a great father,but I feel so emotionally and sexually neglected.when we met we couldn’t keep our hands off eachother,maybe have hot passionate wild sex up to 4 times a day,5 days a week. Now he is always too tired to talk or spend time being intimate.when we do have sex its usually a cut and dry 5 minute quickie.I’m not satisfied and I crave the touch of his naked body against mine.HOW CAN I GET HIM TO HAVE GREAT SEX WITH ME AGAIN!?!

May 2, 2010 at 6:18 am
(179) valerie[again] says:

Also in continuation of my last post,my boyfriend is always working out but never let’s me see him naked.he used to on the slender toned side,then gained about 30 pounds,now he’s becomin very buff and sexy.he has love handles wich he is self conscious about,but I L O V E his body.I grab his butt in public and sometimes glide my hand over his crotch when I give him a quick kiss in public,jus to keep him on his toes.but I just wish he’d let me see him naked.after all,after 3 years I haven’t fantasized about another man.believe it ornot,its more often about sharing him with another woman.he has no stamina during sex either.but masturbates quite often and watches porn! Why! If I’m right here and willing to have sex!we’ve tried toys,lubes,bondage,roleplay,everything.is it possible we ar sexed out? I feel depressed because I just want him to touch me and have sex with me..

May 4, 2010 at 1:26 am
(180) OY says:

my husband says everything nice he did for me in years past was to get sex; now that he is no longer interested in sex he has no interest in our marriage-i feel very dissapointed and pretty angry-i want to leave-we have been married 26 years-very hard to just walk away.

May 9, 2010 at 11:04 pm
(181) eric_k says:

porn is the problem – it neuters the man. should be made illegal.

May 10, 2010 at 4:42 am
(182) Melissa says:

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now. I hate to say it but I find it hard to have sex with him more frequently ever since we tied the knot. He had a thing with his religion where he was not allowed to have sex before marriage, and I respected that. At first he was pretty shy and didn’t know what to do, of course I had to show him how to get it done. Few months later he got the hang of it, and I thought we would be able to have more intimacy in bed. Needless to say, he would always pretty come up with an excuse saying “I’m tired,” or “I have a lot on my mind,” then the sex would be called off, he’d go right to sleep. He say sex is not the only thing in a marriage. That really makes me feel unwanted, and unloved. We’ve talked about it many time and he would always say he will try and have more sex with me, but he never changes. Its like, what the heck?? He tells me he loves me and all but why the lack of interest? I’m always the one having to start up stuff. He would turn on then turn himself back off. And I thought newly weds year is the sweetest thing ever, turns out I really hate it.

May 18, 2010 at 1:16 am
(183) PageGirl says:

I am amazed to see how many other ladies are in this situation, and I always thought it was a problem with me. I am about to marry a wonderful guy who might turn out to be just like what all of you have described as having low sex drive.

He is a great guy, fun-loving, hardworking and capable man. I am 26 and he is 38 this year. We are supposed to get married in year 2011, and I am already experiencing close to a sexless relationship.

When we started dating more than a year ago, we had sex couple times a week. Then it became once in a couple weeks, then now the last time we had sex is since more than 2 months ago, and I felt it was bad sex. I thought it was my problem and I am trying to accept him for this and prepared for a sexless relationship. I have a very high sex drive and feel that I am a very attractive young woman. I had to literally beg for sex and being rejected all the time just made me feel more depressed. Reading all your posts made me cry so hard since this morning until my peepers are swollen.

I feel very unsexy each time he pulled away from me saying he is “not in the mood”, “has a lot on his mind”, or “there are more important things to think about than sex”. The last time we had a luxurious holiday, he did not even touch me! Now I get yelled at for touching him and he lashes out his frustrations at me because “I am the best & closest friend he’s got”. I feel emotionally torn everytime he lashes out at me. But he says he still loves me and finds me very attractive, supportive and wonderful.

We just recently moved in together and he knows my issues and trying to make it up to me by buying me things. I’m not materialistic and I just hope for a more intimate relationship. He is American and has a very strong character. I am the opposite, Asian and more submissive, just trying to work on a healthy marriage to come…

May 19, 2010 at 6:58 pm
(184) Fran says:

I’ll admit I didnt have time to read each and every comment posted here, but I think I got the gist and can relate to most of the things the ladies are saying here. Im 30, I’ve been married for nearly 6 years and have a 1 year old baby. Our sex life has just slowly weakened from 3-4 times a week to 1-2 times a month. And it gets me down. I got to a point where I shut down emotionally because I couldnt deal with the pain anymore but I couldnt just shut the bad emotions out, I ended up shutting the goods ones out as well. I have realised none of this is my husbands fault, he doesnt want to have sex for whatever reason, the reason doesnt matter. I have to accept it and get over it because none of our discussions/plans/promises have done anything to improve things, in fact the problem has become worse.

I do see light at the end of the tunnel however. I know other women have the same issues. And it seems to me that men just arent interested in a woman they can have, they want what they cant have. So what can I do? What can we do? Stop relying on sex from our husbands to make us feel sexy, maybe we dont ALWAYS need to feel desired. GET A HOBBY!?!?!?! And if all that fails get a large collection of sex toys. Sex with your husband is overrated, only you really know how to please yourself anyway!

May 26, 2010 at 1:03 am
(185) Lea says:

I’ve been married for 9 years. I have had the same problem in my marriage for all 9 of these years. My husband isn’t interested in intimacy or passion. It started on our honeymoon. We had a terrible fight because he didn’t want to have sex. Now, he initiates sex about once every 6-8 months and he is 32 years old. It is terrible. We don’t have that connection that helps you make it through the small arguments of daily life. When we first got married, I had such a difficult time dealing with this (and the fact that I was raised that divorce is bad) that I wanted to end my life. Now, I have gained my confidence back. I am great at my teaching job, and I work hard. I have never been overweight and consider myself attractive. I want to have children soon, but I realize that he is stopping me. I am scared about divorce, but I feel that my parents will help me through it. I am nervous about selling the house, going through all of our stuff, and having him begging me to not leave. I have talked with him about this issue for years, and nothing ever changes. We do have a 2 year old son (miraculously) and I do not want him to think that this is the way a marriage should be. I want to take my sweet precious baby and leave this man made of play dough. I think about how hard it will be on me to be a single mom, but I rather struggle and be happy than cry every night alone. Why would God put me in this position? I pray about it a lot. I wish it would have worked, but it didn’t. I feel so young to struggle like this. Did I mention we are leaders in our church? It is especially hard on us because we will be gossiped about continuously if we divorce. Bad things happen to good people too. We all struggle. I will be the only girl in my group of friends who has had a divorce. Crazy. I tried for 9 years. I can’t take the pain anymore.

May 27, 2010 at 6:08 am
(186) BrokenHeart says:

My situation is as similar to #169 Christy’s.

My husband and I are married for 3.5 years now after having an affair for over 5 years of marriage.
During the first year of marriage we had normal sex life and i conceived in the early stage of our marriage. When our daughter was born, he went out of the country for a year regarding his work. After 1 year we were together again. In the first month, it was ok…had sex on an average of 2 per week. But then the things changed…he was reluctant to have sex…after that one month…we had sex once in every 2 months…and that too when I initiate. Now we haven’t had sex for 3 months. Last month when i tried to , his words were rather hurting…He comes to the bed and is off within 5 mins…I would like to have sex almost everyday if i can…but my husband doesnt want to have at all…I am totally depressed…I love him a lot…but he never cares for me….Now we dont even talk much…only the necessary matters are discussed at home…I think its just for our daughter we are still living together…Thank God we are blessed with a beautiful baby…she makes me so happy…may be thats the only reason am not leaving him…she loves us both and she is our world too…but am very very depressed inside…he doesnt even care to say a word thats soothing…doesnt even look at me….what should i infer from all this??? I dont know…if anyone can help me to find a solution…please help…

May 30, 2010 at 7:14 pm
(187) WonderingWhy says:

In much the same boat as Frustrated (176). I’m early 40′s, he’s early 50′s. This is the second go-round for us, we dated seriously once before, 12~odd years ago. Never had these kinds of problems, then – went at it like rabbits every time we saw one another. Never any mis-match in our drives, over a period of two years back then. If anything, he wanted it more than I did. And I wasn’t in as good a shape body-wise then as I am now.

Got back together nearly 4 years ago now, first visit was awesome (we are very long-distance and only see one another 2-3 times a year; this was the case before as well, and was what ended it ultimately then – but he’s closer to retirement and being able to leave where he is this time, and the distance itself isn’t an issue for us this time). And then it started going downhill from that visit on. First not being able to get him there (he’d have to masturbate to get off himself, but he’d do it with me so we were still sharing and I was fine with that). Then sex only with the lights out. Then less and less interest/participation, until now I can’t get him hard at all.

But it isn’t that he doesn’t feel desire – he just isn’t feeling it for me. He’d rather look at other women when we’re out, or porn when we’re at home, but won’t consider watching it with me even though I’ve told him that I like it too. Like so many here, I have a lingerie collection that gathers dust, and have tried everything I can think of to spark his interest, only to fail miserably. And like so many here, I am definitely not unattractive – but it doesn’t do much for the ego to have total strangers giving you appreciative looks everywhere you go, when the one you want to see them from will give everyone *but* you their appreciative looks.

He is affectionate still, and I don’t doubt that he loves me – but I feel like a relative or best friend, not a lover. I cannot figure out what he even gets out of the relationship, why he continues it when all he’s really asking of me or getting from me is friendship. I’ve offered to let him go, and he says he doesn’t want that. My question is, what the heck does he want? He won’t tell me, no matter how gently or tactfully I try to ask. I don’t nag him about sex and never have, and I’ve stopped initiating in any way so as not to pressure him, but it doesn’t change anything. I’m at my wit’s end, don’t know what more I can do than I’ve done. And am now slowly coming to terms with the idea that it’s just not going to work between us, even though I want it to and he says he does as well. I don’t know what he wants, but it seems pretty clear that it isn’t me; and I can’t live like that. I love him deeply, more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life – but the battering this gives your self-esteem over time is too painful to live with.

In one way, I guess it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this – but in another, it’s saddening to know that other people are living in the same sort of nightmare. I’ve never been against porn in any way, in fact I have a small collection of my own that I enjoy now and then – but as an adjunct to my sex life, never as a replacement for my sex life. Which makes it hard to understand why anyone would let the reality walk away, for the sake of a fantasy. I don’t know for positive that this is the issue with my man…he says not, but given many of the posts here, I’m guessing it probably is. And it’s sad, for both of us.

May 31, 2010 at 7:20 pm
(188) Katerina says:

Oh, god, I am not alone! I don’t know if I feel MORE depressed or LESS knowing that other women have the same problem.

I have tried seduction, pleading, screaming and oh god, begging. I have begged him and still it’s once a week if at all.

I even told him that if he didn’t step up to the plate I would find someone who would (I know that’s bad, I know). But I am at my wits end! How can I be satisfied with masturbation when my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me. How can I feel good about myself?

I have cried over it for about a year now and heard all of the same excuses. He’s a fantastic person and I feel like crap that I could want to leave or find someone else for only this reason. But I know that it’s not just this reason. What can I do???

June 2, 2010 at 12:07 pm
(189) hmp says:

Ive been sitting here reading comments on several different websites about the same subject.
i just don’t know what to make of it all,
i am 23 years old my husband being 25. we have been together 7 years, we have been married for nearly 3 years and im sick of rejection now…. i’ trying so hard to work out what is going on. im lucky to get it once a month! and that is only after a ‘chat’ about all this. then normally nothing till the next chat. i dont even ask him for it any more because im tired of rejection i dont want to hear it any more…… ive even lost weight for him and changed the way i dress. nothing works and he always says he does want me in our chats and constantly saying he will/ it will change but never does….. what can i do now?

June 6, 2010 at 3:24 am
(190) Deb says:

Pornography has left me out of the bedroom. My husband spends hours on line looking and cruising. What can I say. I discovered this has been a problem long before we ever met. It was kept hush, hush while we were dating. We never lived together before marriage, but it sure has had an impact. Mick – Angelo, I know the importance of sexiness. I wear all the lingerie he loves, including 35.00 pairs of stockings and 6 inch hels, but truth be told – I can’t hold a flame to the 18 yr olds in the erotic movies. He says he thinks I’m sexy, I am his fantasy, blah, blah, blah but actions speak louder than words and there is no action unless I walk out of the bedroom in stockings, heels and garters….

June 8, 2010 at 9:31 am
(191) WonderingWhy says:

Deb – even worse when he sees you putting on garters and stockings before you go out somewhere – and not only does he not act on it at any point (before going out, or after), he also pays no more attention to you while out than if you had been wearing jeans and a t-shirt. :(

And I also get the ‘you’re the only one I want…’, blah, blah – and it’s such a blatant lie that I can’t stand it. If I was the only one he wanted, he wouldn’t find porn, or other women when we’re out, so distracting. I mean, all men look, but he doesn’t just look – he stares until he catches himself or catches me noticing him doing it.

http://www.sexualcontrol.com/for-the-man-in-a-relationship-troubled-by-sex-addiction.html

I found the above link after seeing that porn was a fairly common thread here – and I have to say, several of the questions on it hit a bit too close to home. Some of them for us would only be no answers because as I said, porn doesn’t particularly bother me in general – only when it’s replacing your interaction with each other entirely. I haven’t brought this up with my S/O yet, but it sure does seem to fit the problems we’ve been having.

June 10, 2010 at 1:38 am
(192) Lost says:

I’m so relieved to have found these comments – I thought it was just me.

WonderingWhy (187): your situation is very similar to mine. I met my current squeeze when I was 17 and he was 27. We had a long distance relationship for about 6 months, until he ended it when I left for college. We didn’t have loads of sex in that time, but we had plenty and it was passionate; he could barely contain himself whenever we would reunite.

We got back in touch (some 20 years later) recently; I had no idea that we would get back into a sexual relationship, but we did – and I was extremely happy. We had great phone sex in the lead up to reuniting, and great sex for the week we were together.

We didn’t see each other for 3 months after that, but as I type he is in the spare room (well in my room – I let him have my bed as it’s more comfy) We had sex the first day we reunited but since then, nothing except a quick ‘fiddle’ a couple of days ago in which he couldn’t get hard until he masturbated and then wouldn’t have full sex. He left me in bed once he had finished, and I cried myself to sleep.

Without wanting to sound arrogant, I am a good looking woman for 36; in good shape, tall and slim. I tell him that he is sexy, clever, wonderful etc. Like many of you, I have the lingerie collection, and the sexy clothes (which I wore when we went out the other night – he said that I looked amazing and he wanted to make love later on – but it never happened) but it makes no difference. I’m very sexually adventurous, as is he, so we have plenty of room for manoeuvre :o )

I just feel so low. I have confided in a couple of female friends and they cannot believe that he doesn’t want me sexually. He says that he loves me, but I think he means it as a friend rather than a lover. I want to end it (the relationship) and get on and find someone who wants me physically and emotionally. And, more importantly, I don’t want me – or him – to be unhappy about sex. Sex should be fun and passionate – not a chore.

June 10, 2010 at 9:52 am
(193) Lost says:

Just to update: writing that comment switched on a lightbulb in my head and I ended the relationship today. When I explained how I felt (in the hope that we could discuss it) he said that it was ‘disgusting’ that I felt that way, that he is a human not a robot, and that all I have on my mind is ‘getting my leg over’

Now I know how he feels about sex (with me, at least – he is always eyeing up other women and told me on many occasions about the last woman he was in love with who wasn’t keen on sex and how that crushed him) I feel that I have made the right decision. It’s not just about sex – we have had other issues – but I recognise that it is now a dealbreaker for me and I must be better at communicating this to future partners to save this heartbreak.

June 14, 2010 at 2:02 am
(194) Heads Up for the Passive Aggressive Male says:

I’ve been married 10 years and awoke to the fact that my sex life has completely dwindled. i was initiating and when i stopped, sex essentially stopped for 1 year. I’ve read a lot of your comments. Stop blaming yourselves ladies. Even if u were thin, if u are sex deprived, u will gain weight of course. google passive aggressive male sex. A lot of causes are there but if it isn’t homosexuality, medications, health problems, affairs, u may have a husband that punishes you by withdrawing sexually. He appears nice on the outside but is quite manipulative in a covert way. If this is your man, My advice, focus on yourself, exercise, dress up, feel gorgeous and find a man that doesn’t make u beg for something as basic as sex. Your man should either put out or get out–did u marry to join the celibacy order?

June 16, 2010 at 5:05 pm
(195) Kira says:

I am getting married in 6 days, yes six. For the last SIx months of our two year engagement mine and my fiances sex life has been declining more and more each week. now, i am slightly heavier than i was when we met but i still have my figure and have added to some of my various assets. im no bore in the bedroom eighter, i am very experamental and love to dress up in sexy langre. in the beginning things were great, more than great. i didnt go a day without getting what i needed, and neighter did he.now i find myself taking off my langre at night knowing ive wasted my time, or when i actually do get sex after hes finished he says “im going to go get somthing to drink, finish up…k?” How do i spice things up again when it seems nearly imposible to entice him anymore? should i hit the gym? shold he see a doctor? im even wondering if i should marry him all over sex….it used to seem like such a shallow thing for someone to need, but damn it i used to feel good about myself and lately im finding it difficult. thats just the cruelest sort of punishment.

June 18, 2010 at 11:33 am
(196) vanilla says:

I am a 35 year old woman, married for 9 years. We have a daughter (6 yo). Now it’s been 1-2 years since the last time we had sex, and before that it was only once a year or so for the last 4-5 years.

My husband is bisexual, but he denies having fantasies in that direction now, saying he wants to have sex with me, but yet nothing ever happens. I need to feel close, I long for the oneness of sex, and I initiate it by lying naked next to him (he keeps on reading or doesn’t turn around), gently touching his back up and down (he doesn’t turn around), try to talk about it (“why don’t we have sex”, “I don’t know” he answers every time), I dragged him to therapy (he said he wants it to be like in the beginning of our relationship but does nothing to help us get into it). I don’t know what more to do, and now I basically feel disgusted thinking about sex with him. His lack of affection has made me unsure of myself in many ways, not just do I feel ugly but I also have problems looking people in the eyes when speaking, because of low self esteem. I do hear I am kind of charming, I know I’m not the sexiest woman ever to live, but I have a cute face, big blue eyes and I work out and eat well, and dress well. I’m into skincare and self care, and I use natural looking makeup.

He was never a good kisser or hugger and never a sensual man. But we were a good match otherwise, although deep level communication probably never was there, but I didn’t notice that the first couple of years to be honest. We are both academic people and maybe I just assumed the communication was there. Today I don’t know what I was thinking.

If we did not have a daughter I would have left now. But we do, and it kills me to even think about breaking up this marriage over sex. So egosentrical, so selfish. Yet, this marriage is draining me of energy, and I probably would have been closer to my daughter, and a better mother, if I lived alone with shared custody of our daughter. He does not want to hear one word about divorce, and everything feels very difficult. All of our assets are in his name, although I have worked harder than him, so we now have a very nice bank account. But if I were to start looking for an apartment it would be impossible without his cooperation because he has been taken care of finances so it looks like I have earned nothing. (We run a family business.) I feel helpless because of this. I have addressed the issue lots of times, we have fought over it, but he has not taken me seriously in this matter and for that I now feel truly stupid, and like I am in a cage with no escape.

It probably belongs to the story that we for some years had a little more frequent sex, but very bad sex. It was a long period that I felt he used me, him on top of me, getting finished quickly, and then turned away to sleep. He almost didn’t touch my body even, lying resting on his lower arms. Afterwards I often cried. I cringe thinking about this, and I have tried talking about it, and he admits he is ashamed of it. He has never been very concerned with pleasing me, so whenever we have sex I take care of that myself always, for him it’s enough with the friction. He does not like being touched, massaged, tickled gently, I love all of those things. He never kisses me in erogenous zones, which I have directly pointed out to him where to find on my body. I ask him why he does not do that, and again “I don’t know” is all he can say. But yet he claims he wants sex! I am so frustrated by this and I am turning it all inwards.

Lately I have been in a process of dealing with difficult experiences from my upbringing. Right before we went to therapy he said that “You probably find sex difficult because of what you have been through with your mother”. I felt so misunderstood and unsupported by him for saying that, and basically I lost all faith in us. Because sex has never been a problem for me, and I still want it, and he knows it. I felt it very unfair to bring that up, and use it against me like that, because it is absolutely nothing I can do to change what happened in my childhood. I mentioned this in the therapy session that followed, but our therapist (which is also my therapist individually) didn’t seem affected by it. It was not discussed further.

A few days ago I met my brother for the first time in my life. My husband knows what a big deal that was for me, because I have no family and finally I found my brother on facebook. When my husband and I were alone for the first time after I met my brother he didn’t ask me about anything, not caring to ask how it felt to meet him, didn’t care to ask what we talked about, or anything. I felt very hurt by that. I am mentioning it here because it adds to the reasons why we grow more and more apart, making it almost impossible for me to again try and try for sex to happen. The walls between us are growing too high and are inprenetable it seems.

Is this marriage worth fighting for? Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

July 14, 2010 at 8:12 am
(197) Carol says:

Well,…I’ve read through many of the posts…and don’t seem to find one like the situation I have at home.

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. During our dating period…he was very affectionate, and loving. He initiated sex as did I. Things were great.

After we married…he stopped initiating sex. I can say that in the last 3 years…he has initiated less than 8 times. I have to initiate each and every time…which sometimes was nightly or every other night. He would either respond and we would have sex…or he would be “too tired or too stressed”. If it was past 9 pm…forget about it..it was not going to happen.

This is the kicker…he complains and complains about not getting enough sex. I have asked him over and over to please initiate…that it would be nice for me to feel wanted instead of rejected more than half the time.

He refuses to do so…he will not take on the sharing of that responsibility.

Instead…he will “self-satisfy” OFTEN.

I feel betrayed and very frustrated. I am sick and tired of having to BEG him to have sex…and then have him complain and be rude to me…

HELP!!!

July 28, 2010 at 12:39 am
(198) Justin says:

There is some terrible advice here. I am totally uninterested in sex (at a young age, I’m now 28), and it had nothing to do with my girlfriend or interest waning as the relationship progressed. It eventually cost me my relationship with her. I am not gay (It would be ok if I was as at least there would be a reason I lost interest in having sex).

It is absolutely stupid for a woman to give advice on this subject, it would be like me giving you advice on your menstrual cycle.

Bottom line it isn’t necessarily your fault, or his. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating. It could be something physical, and it’s certainly the most emasculating thing he’s ever been through– If wearing sexy underwear doesn’t “do the trick” then what? I understand that intimacy is a crucial part of a relationship, and maybe yours is over– assuming you can’t deal with it (and that’s understandable)

In my case anyway it was just a sad, sad thing that happened slowly. I am attractive, pretty smart, mildly successful, and desperately lonely. When girls show interest in me (which still happens once in a while) I just get depressed and distance myself, as I know it won’t work. Nothing is worse than the occasional brush against a girls arm– the contact shoots longing through me, that tactile remembrance of being close to someone else is heartbreaking. It’s the way it is….. I don’t get to have children, or a family.

Just loneliness…..

So think about my story, and try to understand what he must be going through. It is what it is, and that’s sad. So good luck and I hope you can work through it, but if you can’t at least understand it isn’t personal.

August 8, 2010 at 12:47 pm
(199) WonderingWhy says:

Justin – there’s a difference between a man who just has a low sex drive, and one who has a normal sex drive but just isn’t directing it towards his partner. And a woman can usually tell which is the case. In all the posts above even, you can pretty well pick out which is which.

If it started out good and then went downhill, I’d say that’s a pretty solid indicator that the man doesn’t just have a low sex drive in general, or it wouldn’t have started out good in the first place (as you yourself have said). Which is not to say that there isn’t something going on that he has no control over; stress can be a real sex-drive killer for either gender. Fatigue can as well. [And, have you seen a doctor about yours? There are things that can help.]

But apparently, porn is also becoming an issue way more than it ever was in the past. After coming here and reading through all the responses, I noticed that porn was a very common thread, whenever the issue wasn’t that the man had always had a low sex drive in general. So I did a little more looking, and what I found was rather sobering, to say the least.

A thread on a medical site, lots of men of all ages weighing in on the effect porn is/was having on their sex lives: http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Mens-Health/Too-much-porn-masturbation-cause-ED/show/183203

There are a few other threads of a similar nature on that site as well.

And then this article: http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/

This is not to say that all men who view porn are going to have similar problems, just that it’s showing up as a problem way more than it ever has in the past (because it’s so much more readily available than it ever was in the past). It did turn out to be the problem in my own relationship, and I suspect it may be the problem in some of the above posts as well.

I’m not against porn in general – but, when it’s taking the place of a living, breathing, caring partner, that’s a real problem. I truly feel sorry for any man caught in that cycle, and feel even sorrier for any woman who is dealing with the effects of it and believing she is unwanted and undesirable.

August 11, 2010 at 12:25 am
(200) sophia says:

After reading what justin said I’m just wandering, Is it possible then for a healthy men not to be interested in sex?? like some people are just not into food?
Cause maybe that’s my husband problem as well. He is 36 and I’m 23, I think I’m attractive cause there are always men hitting on me but I don’t remember having good sex with hi…maybe the first time…and so I thought he would get better at it with practice. But he is just not interested in sex. He is a good man though.
ohh, other thing, He told me that he have never masturbate. Is that even possible for a man???? not to have practice masturbation in his life??? he said he tried in his teen but it never work.
I’m doomed.

August 13, 2010 at 4:32 pm
(201) GaveUpOnHim says:

It gone over a year and a half now. No sex. No kiss before going to sleep. Sometimes not even a good night from him. As I write thes words, I start to cry again. I am a 44 year old female-not bad looking-and in good shape. My husband is 50-has gained 60 lbs since we married. He enjoys drinking(another issue). One issue at a time I guess. We have two small children together.

Reading the stories above I feel very sorry for the pain that the women and men are feeling. I cant seem to believe they go on in their relationship. In my mind I think LEAVE them….but I am in the same situation. I keep going. He is not gay and he is not having an affair (that I know of). He loves me and his family…says we should have another child…funny. He says its me…that I dont initiate it..I stopped because his breath would smell of alcohol. Not an ev

August 13, 2010 at 5:15 pm
(202) GaveUpOnHim says:

Part 2-Sorry-computer has a mind of it own. Sent too soon. Husband does not drink every night…but I do know that its stems our non sex issues. I do not even talk to my close girlfriends about our issue. Everything is peachy on the outside….they just dont know. My husband is even believing that everything is ok. I sit in disbelief when he says it is just a phase…..I ask or beg him/us to go to marriage couseling/AA classes. He always says…no it will get better. Almost two years later-it has not. I want to keep our marriage together, but without sex??? I dont know how long I can. I deserve someone who wants to be with me physicallly and mentally.

I am surprised how many marriages in this forum are the same. Will I be writing in this forum a year from now with no changes? 5 years?? I asked my husband if he wanted a divorce, he said no! He loves me etc…blah…blah blah..the words are there but nothing else. It is so redundant…same conversations…Please…lets get help…dont worry we can work it out…same conversation..different day.

August 14, 2010 at 2:30 am
(203) NeedLuv says:

I have been married for over 17 years. I am currently in a sexless, romanticless marriage. I yearn to be loved,
touched, hugged as physical touch is one of my primary love languages.

I too find myself crying at night, watching movies and
wishing I were that woman getting all that affection. What has happened. He already told me he is not attracted to me anymore, which really hurt. Since being married I have gained 50 pounds, I actually lost 40 to please him but nothing changed, and it came right back.

We married when I was 19 and he was 21, so we were very young. We have no children yet due to some
infertility issues, and everytime I mention children now it seems as though I am the only one wanting them now.

I get very depressed sometimes and take it out by over extending myself in other things to keep my mind occupied on being motherless and having a sexless marriage.

Awesome blog, thanks for listening.

August 16, 2010 at 11:58 pm
(204) Joe H says:

I’ve been living with my GF for two years and in a relationship for 5 years. I am not physically attracted to her at all. She was really overweight. I love most everything about her except her physique. It’s a bad situation because I don’t want to leave, yet I know I will not make her sexually happy — and she does ask often enough. I can’t stand the fact that she won’t discuss her weight (close to 300), but even worse is that it is all put on me as though the problem is mine and mine alone. Sorry — I can’t do that big belly and bad stretch marks around the legs and such — you’ve seen what this looks like. My penis requires me to be aroused for it to work properly. End of story there. I do enjoy masturbating and have good orgasms doing so. This tells me that my plumbing works fine with the proper stimulus. Anyways, at least we’re not married — I won’t have the government enforce some BS on me if things don’t last. Of course, her parents desperately want us to get married. How do you explain to them that you’re not sure because it is a sexless relationship? Hmmmm… well, that’s life so far. Ugh.

August 18, 2010 at 6:36 am
(205) Mark says:

Boy I could write hours on this subject. I guess I was a lot of the problem in our marriage. We moved in together when in college got married a few years later. We had a great sex life to start with along came two kids married about 4 years. At about 30 I was under a lot of stress at work started having erectile trouble. Unfortunately I was to embarrassed to ask for help. I did go to a doctor but was afraid to say what was going on. So I kept having trouble, my wife kept getting frustrated with me. She put me under more stress that was a mistake. With more failures in bed I started to pull away. We don’t have the best communication. Any time I would try to have sex even when I could get it up I would explode all over her before getting into her vagina. I did practice oral on her and other ways trying to comfort her. Still she wasn’t satisfied. eventually I just withdrew over time. We have shared the same bed and still gave each other pecks on the cheek. Eventually I told her if she wanted intercourse she would have to step out of the marriage. Well we lived together like that brother and sister for probably close to 5 to 7 years. She did take me up on the offer and had a few partners. I still have trouble with that in some ways. Is it cheating if I gave her permission? In some ways she became closer to her lovers than me. I guess neither one of us wanted to break up the marriage with the kids. Especially since she was a stay at home mom. Eventually I had a nervous break down going all the years without feeling loved. At that time I went to seek medical help. They found that I had hormone imbalance and wasn’t producing enough testosterone. We do have a sex life now but our relationship has been fractured. I needed a wife who was going to be more compassionate at the beginning of this sordid ordeal. Less stress would have been better and comfort. I still needed to be told I was loved. That hurts when you don’t feel human touch. As for the sex outside of the marriage she denies that it ever happened. But I caught her in bed twice with two different guys. One gut at a time. Actually one of the times I was woke up out of bed
and she pushed me back into the bedroom buck naked with someone else in the laying on the couch in the darkened living room. It was to real to be a dream. Though she still denies that it happened. I am not mad at her for dating. I didn’t think it was fair that she wasn’t having sex. I have read other web sights about guys who let their wives date. The couples set up ground rules on the dating procedures with either one having a say in whats going on. I wasn’t part of her life during that period. We hadn’t set up any rules for the affairs. Again is it an affair if she was given permission? The first time she did ask me if it was ok. I gave my permission and put the kids to bed that night. I think I was already in bed when she got home. So that would make three guys that I know of. We still can’t talk about this episode of our. Am I wrong to bring it up? Or should I let dead horses lie? I would like to put my marriage back together. Yes she is over weight but she always has been. She is a beautiful women.

August 20, 2010 at 10:12 am
(206) Patty says:

I have been with my husband for a little less then a year. In the beginning we had a wonderful sex life. I gained a few pounds and I now notice we do not have sex. maybe once in a two week span, and only because he wants to avoid a fight. he says it is not me, he is tired, it is the medicine etc..He was on medicine when we met and that was not a problem and he is now unemployed. I feel I am beautiful, I am not huge by any means. i need help

August 21, 2010 at 3:52 pm
(207) Mark says:

Notes from a cuckold spouse. Lets see your husband has lost his virility or manhood and doesnít want to talk about it. Something all men are supposed brag about their sexual exploitations. So he is to embarrassed to ask for help or in denial that he needs help. Only 2 out of 10 men seek help on their own, wonít even mention it to their physicians. Where do you bring up the subject? In the living room, he is already a failure in the bedroom no reason to knock him down again. How do you bring up the subject? Itís your relationship. Men donít have close male friends to confide in (like women have their girlfriends). Their close friend they confide in is their wife. How do you get him to the doctor? Tell him, we are going to the doctor. If you let him go himself he is probably to embarrassed to ask for help. With the medical improvements that have been made in the last 20 years help should be available. Everyone has seen the Viagra commercials. Also there is plenty of help on line. When I had trouble not many homes had Pcís or access to the internet. Good luck, it will be hard to break through the barrier. Durations of unemployment can bring on depression. In this society “especially men” we are judged by what we do not who we are.

August 30, 2010 at 12:29 am
(208) SoDiscouraged says:

I read all these comments and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love my husband, I really do, but we have been together 20 years, 2/3 of it married, all of it living together, and I just can’t take our sex life anymore. It just gets worse and worse, at this point it is once a month at best, but every three months happens a lot too. Once, we went almost a year. I could live with once a week, but not this. I have gained some weight and part of that is due to low thyroid, but I have never given up trying to lose it, yet I know sometimes I have eaten due to being depressed over all of this. I need at least once per week, I would take an oversexed partner over this anytime, even if they wanted it every day. I am SO tired of masturbating, and I can’t live without sex, I have a very healthy sex drive. He used to have some erectile problems, and I always tried to be very understanding about it (I was just glad to have sex). Those problems seem to be gone, when we have sex it is usually great, then he says, “we should do this more often”, then he loses interest again. When I try to initiate, he will do things like start a fight with me or act out in some way and I have to think that is to stop it from happening. There is a lot of hugging/kissing/affection in our marriage, we love each other (I think) and always tell each other so, yet still this persists and I am finding myself asking myself if I can stand another 20 years of this (especially as it gets worse and worse). He drinks, he smokes, he doesn’t exercise, and I think he is definitely passive/aggressive, but I think I had some understanding of that as I had my own issues with that when I was younger (that I overcame) but can still struggle with if backed into a corner (but now I am always aware if I slip into that behavior and I realize it is me not other people). I would say I have evolved a lot as a person in the course of our marriage, but he has not. I love him but I really think it stinks he withholds sex from me. I have talked about it (too many times) at times I have gotten angry, sometimes the D word comes out and he says he doesn’t want that, that he is still attracted to me and wants me. I bring up open marriage (because seriously, I work out and feel good, I quit smoking years ago and I am tired of no sex). If I bring that up he shuts down and won’t even talk to me. I have told him I am open to things like another woman (if it would turn him on I would to it for him) but he has no interest. I am SO lonely and I am finding it harder and harder to function in this marriage, to keep going and act like everything is normal. In public, you would never know there is a problem, he is so nice and lovey dovey to me in public, especially in front of family and to a lesser degree friends. He takes Viagara, he talked to his Doctor, but I have seen him take it, then get drunk so we don’t end up having sex. I really think that because it is so good when we do, he is threatened by that intimacy. I really do love him, but I feel like staying in this marriage is sapping the life out of me and slowly killing me. So often, I have to remind him to just be courteous (I would like to have a say in what we watch if we are watching TV). At this point, I am out of work because my job ended a while back, and I could have another by now if I was putting all my effort, but I can’t even decide if I want to stay in this place or go (I could do better job-wise in other geographical areas, I am here for him). I think I am getting over the depression now, but I also know I have to do something. I feel like I have always done what he wanted, like I have given so much of myself that I don’t have enough left for me. I think about maybe leaving, I think about maybe taking a lover, I just don’t know what to do anymore.

August 30, 2010 at 12:02 pm
(209) confused says:

wow, finally someone to listen and respond to me. my husband and i have been together since 83 married in 2002, we have 3 kids. his sister passed in 93 his mom recently, he takes medication for high blood pressure,
2 years 4 months and counting was the last time we had sex. he told me then the reason he didnt stay erected was because the medicine finally took affect. i respected his situation and told him i was okay with it. he was able to work from home and did so until last sept.. he’s always home on time, no odd phone calls comin in or out. but, there is one female employee who texted him at home on a sunday to let him know something about another employee and his personal life, one day he left his phone at home while rushing out to take the kids to school the same female employee texted him asking if he wanted her to save him tacos. i called her back one of the first things she asked is if he knew he forgot his phone. my husband and i talked about it he said she was a coworker had a beer belly and has man hands, my husband and i dont drink or smoke. i guess now that im geting older i crave affection. but i really feel threatened, so i decided to spice things up and try something different, guess what IT worked, i satisfied him and didnt get anything in return, but i figured its a start. so IT works but i still have not had sex, he says its not me and that its not my weight ( i have gained quite a few pounds) and i have figured out that i turned to food for comfort since there wasnt any intamacy. he helps me out around the house and business we have alot in common and we do talk but he will not tell me why we went over 2yrs without sex and all this time IT worked. i’ve started a diet, but still really confused and alone.

August 30, 2010 at 3:41 pm
(210) Patty says:

I thought I had it bad with my husband, but you ladies have it way worse. i do atleast get to have sex once every other week. It hasnt gotten to the months or years yet, but I know it will come to that. I dont know what I will do when that happens. I am in my forties and I love sex, I love sex with my husband, he is an incredible lover. I personaly do not think I could live in a sexless marriage, in love or not. A part of being in love with someone is the physcial part of it. If you dont have the sexual intamacy then what do you have, a friend? We need a lover as well as a friend…

August 31, 2010 at 9:24 pm
(211) Micki says:

Married 9 years. Two dogs. No kids. Sex (attempts) maybe 2-3 times per year. Husband can’t maintain an erection and will not seek medical attention. I even bought Viagra from Africa online, and he was excited that I ordered them, but now they’re collecting dust in the medicine cabinet.

We lived apart in separate states before marriage, so on our weekend visits passion was hot and sex was great. But after when we said, “I do” it really meant “I’m tired – not now”. I’m unbelievably frustrated. But I’m also not a quitter – divorce is not an option.

I want children but that can’t happen without sex. I get pissed at all the cute pregnancy pics on Facebook – look at all these people having sex!!! I’m forfeiting my child bearing years to my husband, and my frustration is slowly morphing into resentment.

September 2, 2010 at 12:04 pm
(212) annie says:

My husband & I have been married for 20 yrs. 18 of which were fulled w/great sex. That was 1 of the highlights of our marriage. HOWEVER, for some reason, my husband has decided that he is “pissed off” about something and he claims he has told me what it is, but, he no longer has “A DESIRE” to be w/me. It has been more than 2 yrs. NO KISSING, HAND HOLDING, TOUCHING, OR SEX OF ANY KIND. I know he is NOT cheating because he is always at home and is a great husband & father MINUS the affection I so desire. I am the same sise I have been for at least the last 10 yrs, and I look good. HE on the other hand is about 60 lbs. larger, but that does NOT affect my desire to be “loving” w/him. SEX was always SO GOOD. I really believe he thinks this is some kind of “punishment” for me, (like I’m a child), but he says “no, it isn’t, it’s just that I do so many things that he dislikes, the desire for SEX is just not there, so let’s just be peaceful and keep it quiet.” GO FIGURE

September 3, 2010 at 3:22 am
(213) dannii says:

My Husband and I have been together for 13 years, Ive always had an out of control libido and for many years he kept up with me. However over the past 5 years the intimacy has diminished, just to get a decent kiss feels like i’m asking him for too much. There are quite a few years between us, we both watch our weight and like to look after our selves so there are no issues with physical appearances. I’m almost 6ft and weigh around 65-70kg, I’m always being told by other Men, that they are jealous of my Husband. If they only new.
I have tried everything that I can, to make him more enthusiastic, I’ve spent thousands of dollars on lingerie, sex toys anything to spice things up just to keep him interested, but i might as well ware a garbage bag false teeth and rollers in my hair for all the effort it just seems pointless.
You would think that when your married and still fairly young and attractive your husband would be flattered to have his wife be tapping him on the shoulder. He recently told me that it was my fault, we don’t have sex because I put too much pressure on him. Which broke my heart.
We never seem to be intimate more than once a month, he never makes the 1st move. We have no children, we don’t really spend any quality time together, he is alwasy too busy. I feel like a live in maid, I used to think we were best mates as well as lovers, but even the friendship seems to be failing, as he has so much anger, he’s almost like a 2 year old with temper tantrums. I’m at my witsend.
I’m craving personal attention too, just to feel someone’s touch, or a little flirty conversation. I feel as though I am betraying him, but I feel so lonely. I’m not forty Yet and I feel i am a cross road in my life. Do I continue, Or swap paths.

September 8, 2010 at 9:58 pm
(214) FrustratedinDFW says:

We have been married for over 3 years.
Before our wedding , we had a wonderful
sex life. Since our wedding , we have not had sex.
Every time I try to initiate any intimacy
my wife pushes me away. She makes all kind of excuses. I feel that my wife just used me to get the ring. Before we married , she said she was married only once with no children . After 3 months of marriage she told me that she has been married twice
with 2 kids and 4 grandchildren. I feel soooo used !
I have a roomate , not a wife . All my life Ive dreamed of being in a committed relationship with
1 sexual partner . If I divorce her , she has threatened to hire the most expensive lawyers and take my home from me . Frustrated in Dallas.

September 8, 2010 at 11:48 pm
(215) Nat says:

Wife and I married 43 years and 30 have been without sex or intimacy. I really don’t like sex and intimacy is just plain creepy. I’m sure my wife still likes sex and intimacy I don’t know nor do I care. She can do what ever and with whom ever. I like me the way I’am.
We still communicate but only in small talk. We both live in the same house, shes got the upstairs, and I have the down stairs. Just finished a small kitchen for myself down stairs. I like staying home but my wife enjoys going out. Life is good

September 13, 2010 at 9:37 am
(216) Ed says:

Interesting topic. The amazing thing is that it is such a common problem. My wife and I have been married 30 years, one grown child.

I’m ashamed to admit that I no longer find my wife sexually attractive. If that makes me a shallow pig, so be it. She’s gained about 100 extra pounds over the years, and has become an alcoholic. The last couple of times we tried, I was unable to perform normally. Because of her size, sex physically difficult for me, like doing pushups. I don’t have the heart to tell her that she’s not attractive to me any more, so I just tell her I’m getting old and tired.

I think part of the problem is that people have unrealistic expectations for sex later in life, due to all the advertising for erection pills. Could it be that men just lose interest as they get older?

September 13, 2010 at 1:04 pm
(217) Ed says:

After reading a few more of the comments, I think one conclusion is unavoidable… marriage is difficult. We are led to believe through popular culture that true love lasts forever, and every couple should be having sex well into their 60s.

I just wonder how true it is. Therapists encourage this belief because it keeps them in business… helps them sell books. I would offer that finding that one true “soul mate” with whom you can remain passionate for 45-50 years is very rare, indeed.

But then, maybe I’m just jaded by my own experience. I know my wife needs more intimacy than I can give, or want to give. We did pretty well in the sex department for the first few years… we were both relatively thin and fit, and had sex several times a week.

However, we’ve both changed over the years. She has become fat and lazy. I hate to sound hateful, but that is the simple truth. She doesn’t work, and she does nothing around the house. I do all the housework. If I left it up to her, our house would look like those on “Hoarders”.

I find her physically repulsive. Sorry, but that’s the simple truth. I’m no Adonis, either, and I don’t expect her to look like she did 30 years ago, but it is what it is. I cannot get physically excited at the thought of having sex with her any more.

She also drinks heavily, and that may be part of it. The maddening thing is that she doesn’t have clue why I wouldn’t want it, and she complains to her girlfriends about me. Of course, they tell her that their husbands can’t get enough, so she thinks I need Viagra. I know I don’t, because I wake up with an erection every morning, just as I did 40 years ago.

Anyway, as frustrating as it is for you ladies, it can also be frustrating and humiliating for us men, as well.

September 13, 2010 at 1:17 pm
(218) Ed says:

I ran up against the character limit, but I just wanted to add one thought. I still have feelings for my wife, maybe it’s just sympathy at this stage, but I don’t have the heart to tell her the truth. She’s not well, mentally, and she’s always been very clingy. She derives her self worth from others, and I don’t know how she’d react to the rejection.

Anyway, men are getting a lot of the blame here, and maybe we deserve it. Just keep in mind that these things are always more complicated than they seem.

September 23, 2010 at 4:05 pm
(219) Serena says:

This is just warning to husbands who don’t think sex is important in a marriage. I was patient with my husband for 10 years. We talked about it, not argued. I told him I needed sex more than just once a month. When we were dating and our first year of marriage we couldn’t get enough of each other. Over the years, my libido stayed the same or increased and he lost interest. He even told me he forgot he had a penis. So after he caught me talking to another man online, he got angry, but nothing changed. It was a desparate cry for help. I told him I was on the verge of cheating because I need affection and sex. He still had no good excuse and nothing changed. So, I’m not proud to admit this, but I am having an affair now. If you look up “how to affair proof your marriage” #1 is have regular sex. I know not all wives are sneaky and wrong as I am, but that’s my situation now. I am getting from another man the sexual satisfaction I need. I would have never considered cheating if I had been getting what I needed at home. It took me 10 years to finally have a enough of it.

September 27, 2010 at 10:57 pm
(220) J says:

I just got married. Similar situation. I’m a very attractive 28-year-old and most men really want me. But he doesn’t. He had a LOT of excuses before, but it seemed we had sex at least once a week. He was tired, etc. But now he doesn’t have a demanding schedule, and he’s still “tired.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come onto him or done something special, and he just flat out denies me. His attitude is like “eh.” He even said seeing me naked just doesn’t do anything for him. He only likes stockings. I’m pretty sure he’s not gay or cheating. I find it to be really selfish. If it was reversed I’d at least do something to satisfy him, even if not full-on sex. He’s only gone down on me maybe twice in a year, and just won’t do anything unless I beg him, which ends up making me feel worse. He says it’s not a problem and hasn’t gone to the doctor despite me asking him to for months. We broke up for a while, but then the sex was better which convinced me to come back. If this doesn’t improve I don’t see how we could stay married for long because it’s so hurtful to my self esteem. I work out and eat well and wear make-up and dress nicely and everything, even at home. He gives me a list of excuses, whatever is convenient to say “I’m tired” or “I’m sore from the gym” or even once, “yeah I’m not sure I’m attracted to you (I almost left him, but then he said he only said that to get me off his back and give a new excuse, and he actually was attracted.

I asked him yesterday why did he marry me if he wasn’t attracted, and he said he is and he loves me, etc. But it makes me wonder. I’m hurt, angry and resentful. And not sure if I will ever again ask for it, as it’s the worst thing in the world for a girl to be denied that. Very rejecting.

September 30, 2010 at 1:52 am
(221) LonelyCanada says:

I am so glad I found this website. I thought I was all alone.. I am 27 years old and my husband is 38. We’ve only been married for 3 months, and havent had sex in 2 months. He is not interested in me at all sexually… infact he rarely even talks to me anymore, its mostly silent between us. I am so unhappy and unstatisfied. Everyday I feel more and more lonely and sad. I never imagined married life could be so horrible. I often ask him.. whats wrong with me? Why did you even marry me?? He says he loves me, but he sure doesnt show it….. Our honeymoon was magical.. Ive never felt more connected to someone in my entire life. Once we came home.. it was all gone.. He hasnt even hugged me in over 2 months. I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside and I dont know what to do… I was raised in a way that once you get married, you stay married.. I just dont know what else I can do.. I’ve tried talking to him, Ive tried to get his attention with sexy clothing, Ive bought sex toys.. Ive downloaded some porn so we could watch it together.. and Ive begged for it.. at least 20 times… Ive laid in bed next to him masterbating and he just goes to sleep.. I dont understand.. I am at the point where I wont even ask for it anymore because Ive been rejected wayy too many times.. I feel like were room mates and he doesnt even want to be that anymore… Says he loves me.. funny way of showing it I think…

October 13, 2010 at 12:51 pm
(222) Melony says:

It feels sad to see these posts… Only good thing would be to know that i am not alone in the situation… And that I could share it with somebody….

We are married for a exactly year and half now.. We know each other for about 10 months before that.
He was interested in sex only for the first 2/3 times we had it before wedding.

On our wedding night, we had very non steamy one, i assumed it was because we were really tired.

After I moved in with him, its just not there if I dont talk about it!

He says he loves me, he cannot see me unhappy, he can read my face if i have something on my mind. ….. We resolve all the issues between us, he makes me talk them out….

But sex is only one domain he fails to read my face and mind. I have spoken about it several times. Different reasons everytime. And if I dont talk about it for months, it doesnt matter to him at all! He seems to be very happy with our sexless marriage.

I just dont seem to understand this. Very depressed.
Every moment in Life comes just once, I have no idea why some people do not want to rejoice it with ultimate quality…
Why devoid ourselves with such a beautiful act of itimacy which remains beautiful only if you let it be!

October 21, 2010 at 12:28 am
(223) Erik says:

Hi ladies. I’m the typical 42 yr old male you’re frustrated with and have been married 15 years to a beautiful Irish girl who gave me three sons. SAD to say ladies, the responsibilities and culpability lies with us, the male. Not always the case, but if we are not initiating foreplay/sex, not much usually will happen. This is because we know our bodies and whether our arousal level is worth making the effort or not. Our arousal level is absolutely critical in making a successful night for you and us as well. Sometimes oral stimulation on us will help, but it is a better sign for you if we initiate the oral stimulation on you first. That said, I have to say that we men have failed our partners.
A lot of times, we try to get stimulation (and satisfaction) from the internet or through our own imagination while masturbating. In this way ladies, we are never rejected or judged. HOWEVER, men, this is not helping the women we love. We as men need to use discipline in practicing chastity for a couple of days(this also means not fondling ourselves or watching porno) When we married, we literally gave our bodies to our wives. This also means our sexual aspect. In return, our wives not only gave themselves to us as well, but in many instances, put their own lives at risk and gave us children. If out of only shear respect, our wives deserve to receive the very best efforts from us;physically as well as the other aspects of marriage. If you’re out of shape, join a gym and hire a trainer. And remember, CONSISTENCY is what is important in exercising, not the hard effort. Also, give your wife massages, gifts and so forth. IT IS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE AN EFFORT to be married. That’s life guys. You know this. You ladies have been patient with us long enough and frankly we don’t deserve you if we are not making an effort. And by the way ladies, you are ALL BEAUTIFUL.

October 21, 2010 at 2:37 pm
(224) Marla says:

I have been married for 34 years. My husband has a very low sex drive and it always seemed to be me who initiated any sexual activity. Men have always found me to be attractive and I have never had a problem attracting men either before or after marriage. My husband lost his job back in 1990 and our sex life seemed to go drastically downhill since then. I tried to deal with it the best way I could. Then, a few years later, he suffered a heart attack and since then he claims to have a performance problem (ED). Even though I was still only in my 40s, I was willing to accept a marriage with no sex – as long as we substituted it with some other form of intimacy, such as what was once known as “making out” in our day, which included anything and everything short of actual intercourse. He simply chose to disconnect himself from any form of physical activity with me and managed to find an excuse if I tried to get close to him by rejecting me for one reason or another. Most of the time he also chose to sleep on the sofa and not to sleep in the same bed with me using a variation of excuses. I have tried talking to him about this for the past 15 years, all to no avail. I feel like I am stuck between a “rock” and a “hard place”, with very few options that would make any sense at the age of 64. I just don’t know what gets into these men that gives them the right to totally destroy another person’s happiness with this kind of selfish nonsense. The marriage vows I took stated for “better or worse”, for “richer or poorer”, in “sickess and in health” until “death do us part” – what part of that do they not understand?

October 24, 2010 at 2:26 pm
(225) sobila says:

I have been married for three months and it seems like as soon as we said I do, I also said by to my husband wanting me. When we started I too had the same situation. He had 100s of women liking him and wanting him and literally throwing themselves at me. He happened to want me and during our dating days, sex was excellent and very satisfying. Sometimes we’d sneak off work to go at his house to have sex.
He says, it is because he used to drink and now he doesn’t (I don’t see the relevance. And seriously, I really would love to have a baby (he has two from his previous marriage). It’s trully frustrating. I’ve tried sexy lingerie, putting on the mood everything but he will make a stupid comment and I’ll just turn off. I feel like it’s not worth it! I’ve even started pleasuring myself which I’ve never believed in if I can get a man, what’s the point! I’ve even started missing my ex boy friend whom we had a very relationship with but he always wanted me alwaaays.

I don’t know what to do. I’d love for us to last a life time but I don’t know if I can go on like this and never want to cheat on my husband ever.

October 28, 2010 at 3:02 pm
(226) Jennyb says:

I know you hear this a lot but sex toys really do help. We were really in a rut, actually 21/2 months we had no sex. No matter what, you begin to wonder about other people. I think the internet has come to the rescue of quite few people. One toy out of desperation lead to another and so on.
Our relationship just got better and better. So much so I started my own store.

October 29, 2010 at 11:50 am
(227) JT says:

@ Erik:
Easy Bro. I have commented here a few times in the past and I am on the other side of the coin. I have learned to deal with my issues with my wife because she and I finally had an honest talk.

Well, she was honest. I kept saying the same thing I always have.

While we were dating we were known as the “rabbits”, I am sure you can guess why. We dated for about 4 years, and even about 8 months into marriage sex was good and often. Things trailed off after that. I blammed myself and tried everything I could think of, I sought help from everyone (including her). Years when by and I went from confused to pissed to just depressed. I have always consider sex purely physical unless its with her. That was huge for me between us.

To make a long story short I figured out how to get around having sex at best once a week ( I know I still feel 18 at 32, its crazy if you have any recommendations on reverse viagra speak up). I focused on work, masturbation, exercise, and our children. I considered my wife just as I would any other woman I see on the street…” wow she is attractive….not married to her…no chance, look and move on…” So with a lot of focus and effort I got over sex with her.

continued…

October 29, 2010 at 11:51 am
(228) JT says:

continued…

She finally started feeling alone (welcome to the crowd) because I no longer chased after her. So she broke down and told me sex with me always hurt. She would just suck it up and deal while we were dating and early in the marriage. Since we got married she did not feel she had to try as hard.

Oddly enough I was not surprised, I figured either she was not attracted to me anymore, found someone else, or was never that into it. Either way there was little I could do about it, I have not already tried.

So there it was, she got me I guess. I consider my sex life a 5 out of 10, its not good its not bad. Partially because I found I do not need it. She does not get the attention I used to pay her sexually but hey “suck it up, and deal” this is a partnership, life sucks at times.

Lets no throw every man under the bus here. I could very well be a little introspection is necessary ladies, sure my wife could complain on this very site. But the truth of the matter is I thought things were great, she was “dealing with it”, when she stopped I felt like Wylie coyote over the cliff. So I dealt with it, without the kids I would have been gone, thank god I did not and I guess thank god she “dealt with it” because I am truly blessed to have my babies.

November 3, 2010 at 12:51 pm
(229) Over it says:

I am so tired of dealing with it. My husband and I had sex one time in the last 6 months I think…he drinks, not overeating..and no exercise. I think this contributes to the fact that he is not aroused. I try to get him involved in outdoor activity, non drinking events…etc…nothing. I am still a farely attractive women who does get men to smile at her. Still nothing. He keeps saying he will try….this has gone on over 3 years or more now. We do have children or else I would be out the door too. I do fantasize about an old flame and that is the only way to get through my non sexual world with my husband. The one time we did have sex it was for his gratification and not mine but I still wanted more…he looked like he was going to pass out! He is middle aged but come on!!! Not even a flicker of an attempt to try to please me. I begged for a divorce saying I cant go on another 10 years like this. No way a divorce he says…I love you!!!! I am so lonely it hurts.

November 5, 2010 at 11:28 am
(230) George says:

I had no idea that guys lost interest or could not perform all the time. At least until they got beyond thier years or had medical conditions that would not allow them too.

We all hear about a mans prowess in bed. Rarely from a woman.
If you guys really love your wife then try a bit or a lot harder. Same for the ladies.

It is damn hard to find a good mate.

I was married for over 10 years. Funny thing is my X enjoyed not having sex because of she knew I wanted her all the time. So, I was lucky if we were to have fun more than a few times a month.

Funny thing is she became sexually agressive with me after the divorce papers were filed and I began to see someone else.
All good things come to an end since the gf had to leave for the other coast to attend to her aging parent. I could not go with her due to children of my own.

So, where am I going with all of this.

First if you found your best friend. then always treat him or her as if you were not married and still dating. Its the way 2 people should always be….Happy, or as much as we can.

Second, Sex should not be just not an act, but part of the process of intimacy. Taking the time to caress him or her, kissing and cuddling….alot.
If your partner can not take the time or effort for you to do this prior to marriage then its time to walk.
If he or she likes to engage like this often then you can pretty much guess you have found a great mate. I am sure that if he or she is taking the time for you and you have got to this point then I am fairly sure you wish to be with each other.

Intimacy is one of the greatest joys of life. I personally care to make it a 3 or more hour session a few times a day.
Two time a day to take the time with your mate as a good average.

November 5, 2010 at 11:29 am
(231) George says:

part 2 due to limited space:

Funny thing is when I began to read all the comments above I thought about the gal I was with last. She came from a loveless and sexless marriage. She married for stability in her life, since her previous marriage her guy like to run around and do everything else imaginable.

In the end she found out it was not worth being with a man that could not desire her and was not worth staying. In addition to that his temper would be a bit much more than it was worth, and living as if you were walking on pins and needles was too stressful.

Personally I am glad we found each other even if it was for a couple of years.

Still great friends with both of the most important woman of my life.

Now just single and sorta looking.

I wish everyone the very best. have a great day.

George

November 6, 2010 at 6:10 pm
(232) LadyBitterSweet says:

People should be loved regardless of who they are and what they have and do not have.

Obesity, I consider, is an illness. It has various symptoms all on its own. It needs to be cured. I’ll say it again, it needs to be cured. Refusal to help the sick is what is digusting. When vows were exchanged, wasn’t “LOVE through good health and sickness” included? No one here is deaf or simple – are we? Y’all were smart enough to use a computer at basics. When a husband falls fevered, will a good wife flinch and defile him? I think not.

Some people can be so cruel, so selfish, and so insensitive! Sexy and attractiveness are NOT the only qualities men should be seeking in their wives and are NOT the only qualities women should be seekng in their husbands. Those qualities seeked alone are those of the sex offenders, rapists, and infidelities. If you leave or defile the spouse just because they aren’t sexy and attractive, book yourself (that’s right, you alone) an appointment for professional assistance immediately. Don’t even finish reading this.

There is so much more to a person. You open your eyes and you will see the real reality. Be stubborn and prideful, you will always, always have plank-filled eyes ’til your burial.

Good friends, if people want to spill burning coals upon your path, walk on it first before you leave. When that day comes and you pack to exit, that person may get a hint that they’ll never find someone else to take their Bull S. To the Good, you are righteous and they are not.

November 8, 2010 at 4:54 pm
(233) tonda says:

The Night we got married(23 years ago) he made me feel like something was wrong with me everytime I wanted to have sex(often) he would Reject me. (I would keep track of the time that I had sex last 6-8 weeks) He does LOVE me but he finds no pleasure in Pleasing me. Counseling and therapy, antidepressants and God & Church and 1000′s prayers. Weeping Fights that noone wins, Promisses to tackel the Sex schedule to no avail.
GET OUT before you have children…
It is a deal breaker….I speak from Long Years & lonely months …dont cheat…but get out legally….

November 9, 2010 at 4:18 pm
(234) shan says:

Hi Ladies itis good to read your comments on lifeless sex which could have a very bad mental effect.As a buddhist person we have to look at the problem realisticly as this is a common problemall ovr the world. Leaving or divorcing the man is not the answwerwhere you could fall from frying pan to the fire.
One could start meditation and counseling. Meditation will help a lot to relax your mind.
I have a radio/tv program once a week and come across this problem daily. We have found that:
1- Level of Diabitic condition or sugarmakes the man tired. Unles he gets a test done he is unware,
2-The female usualy looses interest in her self-She should be clean and shaven with sweet smell
3- Avoid naging him
4- A capsule called Gala 100mg(Vitamin E) helps a lot taken 1 tablet daily.
5-He should be stimulated daily it takes time and do not make him shy. try to have a bath together and soap him
6-Gin Sing tea-a cup daily will help him
7-Try to sleep close to him Even a body massage wl help him
8-Some foods are bad for the health and create impotence due toadditives.Make him a vegetarian.
9-Vitami B capsulesdaily twice.
10- Try to mastrubate him slowly and lovingly.
It takes time but a failed marraige is dangerous especialy when you have kids.
We also have thearpist and Auyavedic medicine in Our country Sri Lanka to get over this. Thnks

November 10, 2010 at 5:15 pm
(235) Vanessa says:

I’ve been married 3 months. Im 30. He’s 27. He loves to be on his laptop all the time. He loves porn. He likes to look at suggestive pictures that girls post on their facebook pages (I know this because I had a couple minutes to check quickly his history on the computer) We dated for 4 years before getting married. The first year and a half of dating was great. The remaining time I would be lucky to get sex once a month. He fondles me in his sleep frequently but doesnt want to have sex if I try to reciprocate. I am attractive so is he. He always has to be occupied doing something – gambling, watching sports, but these don’t bother me the way his internet addiction bothers me. I screamed at him a couple of nights ago and walked out and slammed the door. I had asked him to use his laptop to do some work. Oh, how do you like this – all of a sudden the internet’s not working. How convenient. He had just been searching for cars online and now all of a sudden its not working. I told him “This is such bs” and then I left, drove around the block in tears and complete hurt. Called a friend, calmed down and went back home. The only words I can think of to express how I feel are depleted and empty and very resentful. I wish that I could just sleep forever and not have to deal with this selfishness. I told him one time that he would rather look at porn than have sex and he said that wasnt true. Claims he has some medical issue (if that’s the case, why the porn then? What is there to stimulate). I feel like I’m being drained of my self worth. I feel like garbage. I know I’m not ugly or overweight or anything like that. He.. and those other men that you ladies are suffering with have some serious pyschological issues and they’re sucking the life out of us. If they had any concern for us they would just leave and live with their problems alone. But no, they want to have their cake and eat it too. I don’t have any sympathy left. .

November 10, 2010 at 5:16 pm
(236) Vanessa says:

Also -He is the only man i’ve ever slept with. I feel like i wasted my virginity on him after having been a “good” girl for so long. I feel like he deserves to be cheated on.. which only devastates me more because I am not a cheater by nature – I dont’ have the heart to do it but wish I could be a heartless b**ch and not care. Yes- crying becomes a way of life. In the same bed while he’s obliviously and blissfully sleeping

November 12, 2010 at 8:27 pm
(237) Patience says:

Vanessa. He really doesnt deserve you but i dont think hes aware of what hes doing to your relationship because hes addicted to his laptop and pornography. Thats insulting to any woman whos being ignored sexually! Hes barely living in the real world and im just wondering how much support hes receiving from you…if hes hardly working. Hes being selfish and very lazy because he thinks he can be. Talk to him and explain youve had enough and if he doesnt wake up then the marriage is over. Theres no point in you staying with someone who doesnt appreciate you and make you happy. Why do you think you have to stay and put up with this mans garbage, while you cry yourself to sleep? You dont have to put up with it. Hes broken his marriage vow to foresake all others, because hes looking up other women online. And he is more than likely having ‘sex’ to their images. He vowed to worship you with his body, i assume? Well, he isnt. Hes worshipping theirs! Hes broken his vows. Give him a chance to shape up. If he doesnt want to take that chance, then leave him x

November 23, 2010 at 12:25 am
(238) Dr Virendar says:

Dont worry , there is a herbal medicine when given to a person ,gets badly attractive towards the sex (female) ,the effect start almost immidiate after given and presisits around few hours ,,,,,,take care give only when he s wid you ;) ,,,,,,,,,,,,best of luk,,,,

November 28, 2010 at 1:33 pm
(239) shan wikremesinghe says:

I think root of the problem men keep away is pshcological one.Most men under goes a fear realted to the sex act.They say action and reaction are allwaysequal and opposite. If we take the action man has enjoyable sex where both enjoys thereafter according to laws of Karma the man has an opposite reaction equal to the pleasure he had. this could be an accident,fighting with the partneror getting wounded accidently. This could last for three or five days.It will not happen immidiately but will take place within two to five days. Then the man goes through depression. Every time he has sex he feels this bad omen is following him.
So one has to get overthese problems and I know from men who has confide with me

December 14, 2010 at 4:54 pm
(240) Amy says:

Weve been married 40 plus years, and now were in our 60s and life is running out for us. My husband has had E/D and other issues for years. Sex stopped 26 years ago. He is as happy as a lark without sex. He told me early on that it was just to bad, find something else to think about. But I couldn’t I love sex and I think I still do.
He has told me I’m uninteresting and that a wooden board has more appeal than me. He also claims when i’m nude I look like a week old beach whale. Were not even friends any more. We live in the same house but in different areas. I have mine and he has his. I just wish I would die tomorrow to end all this.

December 17, 2010 at 9:28 am
(241) mad says:

Amy..Your story is heartbreaking. Is divorce not an option? To think you want to end your life because of the way your husband treats you is just so unfair to you. You deserve so much better than that. I am sure you are a good person….however, with bad self esteem-being put down many years does not help.

You need to leave that bitter old man if you can-stay with friends or family. You still have many years ahead of you-dont think it is over. A life is too precious even if you think it is over.

I am on and off this board many times-reading the stories that bring tears to my eyes. So sad. I am good at giving advise but not receiving. Today is the big day…my husband of ten years will be going to see the Dr. about some help…
If that doesnt do it…nothing will.

December 22, 2010 at 6:44 am
(242) D says:

wow, glad i stumbled upon this site, i thought maybe i was the only one with this kind of problem, makes me feel not so alone now that i see others have the same kind of problem as I do, instead of laying there crying tonight i will be on here reading your stories and seeing if i can get some ideas from them

December 28, 2010 at 2:45 pm
(243) Jarvis says:

I just gave up on the idea of sex all together. Despite any and all attempts, my wife is only in the mood once a month. We’re only both in our early 30′s, so it’s pretty pathetic. She claims she’s tired, but she seems to have plenty of energy on other nights to stay up late watching TV or playing on her computer. Having sex once per month was more frustrating than not having it all one. When it did happen, it was plain vanilla as possible. She used to be adventurous, but she’s eliminated oral, lingerie, toys, light bondage, etc. Is she trying to bore me to death??

January 2, 2011 at 10:16 am
(244) k says:

Girls do yourself a favor and wake up! either walk out and find some one who does want to make love to you or have an affair!

I have been with my guy 17 years and i told by other guys i am sexy/attractive…we just had a row about it again,promises for years with no change ( no sex for 14 years) and he said he probably won’t change? probably after 17 years of me being faithful? watching my youth slip away?…right i plan on sleeping with the next available hot guy that comes along and if he finds out and we split up that is fine by me but i refuse to sit around and wait to be loved for another 14 years!

I mean girls come on sex is so natural?????? why should we have to beg?????

I’m 38 and i’m not wasting another day….seriously wake up all you girls who have been married 2 or 3 years don’t wait 14 years like me it doesn’t change.

January 5, 2011 at 1:46 pm
(245) JT says:

Jarvis:

I hate to be the bearer of bad news….I have a similar situation and the issue is most likely not geared towards “boring” you intentionally.

As with my wife I thought what was the deal? Well it turns out that she was never as interested in sex as I was. She “sucked it up” while we were dating and for a short while into our marriage.

I have no animosity towards her for it, I had a fair chance to read the writing on the wall but like most men I was oblivious to the fact she never made the advances and over time the sex got more vanilla.

The fact is her drive is low and a fact of life is your sex drive is high. No one is at fault. Try to talk about it or get some counseling. Read my earlier post and if you can do what I did you will be fine.

Best of luck, it sucks but keep your head up. Who we choose in life is based on observation, the problem is everything we observe may not be the truth.

JT

January 9, 2011 at 8:04 am
(246) LL says:

I just turned 21 and I married my husband about 2 months ago. He is 42 and we get along perfectly in all areas of our life. We can talk about anything for hours on end and we never get bored with each other.
I was a virgin when I met him and four months before we got married, I decided to give myself to him. I was so exited and nervous because I had been waiting for a while to find a good man to give myself to and I chose him.
I was happy the first few times we had sex because it was just as i hoped it would be.
He was very considerate and took good care of me.
When we do have sex, its quite good. After losing my virginity to him 6 months ago, we only manage to have sex 3 times a week AT MOST and ONCE a week on average, its good sex, but I need it more. Once a day would make me happy.
I feel sad most of the time because I have just stared to have a sex life and i want it all the time but I feel like i have to force him. So i just don’t try and go to sleep sobbing beside him. I can feel my self-esteem dropping.
Im young, slim/average weight, and most people compliment me on my looks and I always get men looking at me.
Today, I did my hair the way he likes it, I put on some tight jeans, low cut top, did my makeup and put on some heels.
All that didnít work so I put on a really shot night dress with no panties, made his dinner like that, asked him how sex was the last time (good, he said) and snuggled up to him and kissed and touched him hoping he would take the hints but he said goodnight and went to bed. After this, I just sat on the couch by myself and cried.
I have told him I need to be made love to more because I truly love him and i want to express it physically, but he got angry and told me to find a younger man.
I have entertained the idea of getting a divorce and leaving, but i love him too much and donít want to lose him.
Although, being rejected hurts so much that I know that I cant take it forever.

January 10, 2011 at 9:17 pm
(247) Colokar says:

I welcome any comments from a licensed psychologist. This is so wrong!!! Men go around claiming their prowess and then can’t or won’t perform with their chosen mate. We are expected to be faithful.

I have the problem too, however, my man has cancer and has been going through 2 years of chemo and surgery. The days he feels good, he spends with his friends, instead of his wife and children but I am insensitve to be so desperately in need of some intimacy. Can’t help it. I am animal.

January 14, 2011 at 5:22 am
(248) i am free of this..thank god x says:

Well this isnt that simple , there are many reasons people lose there libido. a month a few months that is understandable but years and years off it????? c’mon!!! but the telling traits in the actions or lack of in the men you are with are when you know they are using witholding sex like they hog the remote control-that is the key…control…society is all different on the outside..as previously mentioned the human race is brain washed by international media corps playing all our insecuritys and tapping into our most primitive fantasises. They create the need or awaken it in us..and then they offer us the solution. societys expectations of life have evolved into a self centred self satisfying self gratifying free for all. but who benefits from this??? mainly men and why??? men want a wife as a mother..at the end of the day mommy washes, cooks, cleans, and puts up and forgives all his crap no matter what, then they turn teenage hormones racing and off they go.rabbits…then they get into their 20′s may have been hurt in love and swear not to let “no bitch do that to me again i am a man and i want the respect a man deserves…for being a man”….hmmm thats were the media comes in and the views of what a man is..in todays age a man is someone who walks over whoever and sleeps and uses woman ….now, they marry you because in their eyes you are probably placid and easy going enough that he thinks if he marrys you you will gladly morph into his new mommy and take care of him.because the truth is ladies…you are dating and marrying little children not men…they sneak of ignoring you pushing you away and go masterbate over porn…hmmmmm do you think its just about sex? its control, its revenge, its living on the edge. the forbidden, its there way to cheat without having to put any effort in, it is there rebellion against you…the mother…all children rebel against there parents and this is no exception

January 14, 2011 at 5:25 am
(249) i am free of this..thank god x says:

PART 2….

biology does play a part…we woman go through physical changes that to some degree mature us such as periods, having babies giving birth….these experiences effect the brain the body the mind the soul the psychology and we become nurturers as well as sex kittens …now ..men or boys what they want is control, to hunt and until this urge has run its course in a mans youth, then he will cheat or use porn or hookers or online flings or bang the girl at work…why??? because they are demure, they look up to him, they dont hear him fart and poo in the toilet, they dont see him slob in his pjamas watching crap tv or on the computer scouring the porn sites jacking off like a demented monkey….the thing is girls….there really arnt enough real men in the world…society has been degraded so much that the line between masculine and feminine and true honest growing love has been blended, men are losing jobs , they are having female bosses to answer to , they have had confident if not aggresive dominant mothers , the animal in them is in total conflict to the modern world……and that goes the same for us…….i guess if it is a test then my answer is that if you are married to a boy not a man…show him…if he is not willing to change then you must…..if you dont have children then consider breaking free and starting again..if you have kids then i feel sorry for you…noyt because you have kids but that your love for them you sacrifice the love of yourself….but this does not always work and m,ay cause even more damage with resentmenst possible affairs and then heartbreak…..i know how you feel…my divorce is due in three weeks i was married to a controlling man the sex was nothing to brag about. we were together unhappily for 4 years, he is very insecure as am i…i was ok when we met but after all the abuse it was over…i cheated many times on him and i am not proud of it…..my plan is this….LEARN>>>>>>>>

January 14, 2011 at 5:26 am
(250) i am free of this..thank god x says:

PART THREE..

if you have kids this is harder situation…but if you dont have kids then honestly …..dont get married if you are not 100% happy …..it will not work….if you are already married then just think…you have one life…..your belief in god should not be an issue…do you think god wants yuou to be miserable?? god wants you to learn and live and love…..as long as you handle it well the freindship you and your husband can continue….you will both just live seperate lives and be able to fulfill your own needs, it may work out real well, you maintain the close strong bond of freindship, you are divorced so you can date who you want…no biggy…..and

January 14, 2011 at 5:53 am
(251) i am free of this..thank god x says:

if you have kids its harder…but if you dont have kids then honestly …..dont get married if you are not 100% happy …..it will not work….if you are already married then just think…you have one life…..your belief in god should not be an issue…do you think god wants you to be miserable?? god wants you to learn and live and love…..as long as you handle it well the freindship you and your husband have can continue….you will both just live seperate lives and be able to fulfill your own needs, it may work out real well, you maintain the close strong bond of freindship, you are divorced so you can date who you want…no biggy…..and if you marry again….LEARN FROM PAST EXPERIENCES…do not rush in, take it slow, and let actions do the talking…and communicate…..ask them what they want and need from a relationship and tell them what you want and need, if they add up great if not…end it there and move on until you find the man who like you just loves gettin it on no matter how tubby or wrinkly we both get …they love us for who we are…not what we can do for them…..do not settle life is too short……and dont be abused by theses control freaks who watch porn and push you away..ITS ABUSE >>>>RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

January 14, 2011 at 5:55 am
(252) i am free of this..thank god x says:

it may work out real well, you maintain the close strong bond of freindship, you are divorced so you can date who you want…no biggy…..and if you marry again….LEARN FROM PAST EXPERIENCES…do not rush in, take it slow, and let actions do the talking…and communicate…..ask them what they want and need from a relationship and tell them what you want and need, if they add up great if not…end it there and move on until you find the man who like you just loves gettin it on no matter how tubby or wrinkly we get…they love us for who we are…not what we can do for them…..do not settle life is too short……and dont be abused by theses control freaks who watch porn and push you away..ITS ABUSE >>>>RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

January 17, 2011 at 12:19 pm
(253) steven says:

Okay here is what you won’t hear on oprah doctor phil or any other source u get from a females opinion about men and sex.men never equate love and sex all sex is a feel goodbthing to do. All men will cheat if they can getbaway with it “not my man”yes ur man too. How u ask because men don equate sex with love ever.also men are so simple to comprehend woman cant figure it out because they are complicated.its like this analogy. What is ur fav food what if u got that 24/7 365 days a year and nothing. Else. How long would i guy want something pizza. Or. Frys cause a what ever is like over.answer not long.i realize this trith dont get much play on oprah but its fact.men aand sex is nothing more than an amusement park’s

January 25, 2011 at 1:16 pm
(254) Numb and over it says:

So many sad stories I can identify with. The clearest message I am getting from this blog is this….. It doesn’t get better with time, it gets worse. Its the simple truth so all of you lovely beautiful articulate women out there who are having their hearts cut out and crushed on a daily basis should leave now before you get totally enmeshed in the relationships with children and mortgages etc.
Ive been married to the love of my life for 11 years. Sex with him was so hot, adventurous and passionate to begin with but dwindled down to once a week within months. Then once every 6 weeks after 6mths. Im ashamed to say its now been 3 years since we had anything intimate between us. Early discussions showed me that my husband was embarrassed and found talking about it difficullt. He made lots of excuses when I initiated affection, anything to avoid intimacy. I said nothing so as not to put pressure on him. I love this man, wholeheartedly but I can’t bear another moment of rejection. Its eating me up and changing the essense of who I am. I dont recognise me anymore. I dont like me anymore. Ive hardened my heart in self preservation. My recent bitchy, angry behaviour is my way of hiding my hurt yet its making my otherwise wonderful relationship suffer. I bared my soul a couple of weeks ago and he stated his abusive father is the reason he has trouble relating. Another excuse? I have no idea but he has agreed we need to seek counselling to save what we have. This is my last attempt to fix this and I am praying it will work. He is my best friend & I know he loves me too.

January 26, 2011 at 4:18 am
(255) Toad says:

Well let me start off by saying im a man of 37, 5,8 170 lbs, american indian decent, dark skin, crystal green eyes, and was the sex starved huband in two previous marrages.

I have lost all sexual desire I am trying to keep my wife happy. Because I understand But some reasons are. First one is lack of hormones look ladys, men age and thats the first to go. Second my wife doesnt start at all I have to do everything caress her, hold her, all of the start, finish, and everything. The payout is just not worth the effort. No b.j.s no hand jobs no nothing ” im to shy and uptight” well me too..

After being married before its just easier to keep my mouth shut. You cant make women happy no matter what you do. I clean, laundry, dishes, trash, all of it and I still get nagged at. I work two full time jobs and still get your too tired damn.
Nothing makes any diffrence too, much too little, be a friend be happy that he provides and loves you.

January 29, 2011 at 10:32 am
(256) Sally says:

My husband I have been married 33 years. Up until year 28, we had a good regular sex life but since them it’s gone downhill. You see, year 28 was when I found out the man had never been faithful to me a year in our marriage. I found out he’s had so many affairs and one night stands that he cannot even remember how many there have been. Long story short, there was disclosure, and accountablity and forgiveness. However there was fallout. Since the confession, we’ve lived an almost sexless life, not by my choice, by his. He says he loves me, but sex is not important, love is. I feel like I’m living with my brother. The first thought is, okay so now he’s decided to be faithful and the reason he had all these affairs is because I’m a lousy lay. That is not the case, I don’t think so because I am very active and imaginative in bed, I’m attractive for 53, not overweight, well built, and have to reject men all the time some 20+ years younger than me. He claims he has so much guilt and everytime we have sex, he thinks about how unfaithful he’s been, and it’s too painful….so he’s had his fun all these years and I am the one being punished for it………divorce may be forthcoming.

January 30, 2011 at 7:57 pm
(257) D. Frank says:

I’m crying as I’m reading these stories. I can’t take it anymore either. Were coming up on our 5th anniversary in May, we hardly ever have sex. We had sex so much while dating he could hardly wait to see me. I love sex! when we do have sex I have to bring it up or inititate it. I am so very sad all the time and so unhappy. When we have sex or when we did. I would feel so close emotionally with him. What is going on with these men? I’m deeply hurt inside.

January 31, 2011 at 10:45 am
(258) Ava* says:

Reading this forum made me even more sad because I hate to see that other women are going through the same thing I am. We’ve only been married for 2.5 years. We used to have sex 3 to 4 times a day in the beginning. And obviously I know that wears off when you start working and getting busy lives, but even then, we still would have sex 4 times a week. In the past year though, we’ll go a month, sometimes two, without anything. Then we’ll do it once, and it will be the same thing for another month or two. I’ve initiated so many times. We’re both in the top physical shapes of our lives, we work out, we eat healthy, we have no kids yet. He works a demanding job (he’s the owner of a restaurant) and is at work 15 hours a day, 6 days a week. His response is always exhaustion and that he’d rather cuddle with me and watch TV then fall asleep. I wear sexy things, I am always aware of making myself as attractive as I can for him, every single day, and beyond the sex, he always compliments me and is loving and supporting with me. But the exhaustion is truly sucking the passion out of our marriage. I can’t help but feel totally insecure and shattered when once again he says he can’t or “another time, come on I’m tired” I read a post above that said she cries herself to sleep after feeling rejected. I am the same way. It pains me so much because I never ever thought we would be in this position. It all started on our 15 day honeymoon. 15 days on a honeymoon in one of the most beautiful places on earth, and we had sex only twice. I am constantly asking myself what’s wrong with me? What else can I do to make him notice me? It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through and I can’t talk to anyone else about it. Everyone would be shocked. Our family and friends think we are the perfect couple, happy, loving, going to make beautiful children. How can I tell them that we have no kids yet because my husband is always too tired to touch me? I feel so alone.

February 3, 2011 at 3:08 pm
(259) Millery Sanford says:

I am a married women myself and I want to say that if you truly love her enough to still be loyal to her and respect her then you should discuss her weight with her as well because marriage is a BIG thing and ONE thing marriage isn’t that is failure… so work together, trust yourself and what you have to say is very important and know that she love you to work on her weight..

February 9, 2011 at 10:27 pm
(260) Micky says:

I have been married almost thirteen years. I have put on some weight and I understand that could lower some desire, but I was overweight when I got married and I feel if the man I love can’t get over a few pounds, maybe I should go back to having a woman for a partner. If this truely is the case with my husband (my weight), he isn’t worth my time. The ONLY thing keeping me with him are my kids. What would happen if all women felt like that? Maybe you could find a “fit” man to be with. LOL There aren’t too many of those out there above the age of thirty either!

February 10, 2011 at 11:35 pm
(261) Me says:

I am pretty depressed reading all these posts at 1130 at night. Why am I on the computer at 1130? My husband is happily asleep in bed and I am unfufilled again. If it was just the sex that is one thing, we’ve never had a lot of sex, and its never really been very good, maybe once every couple of months, but it is the fact I feel rejected, pathetic, unloved, insecure, depressed, and resentful along with the sexual frustration.

February 16, 2011 at 12:47 am
(262) frustrated says:

I am 30 and my husband just turned 40. We have been together for 10 years married for 2 years. We used to have sex every day for the first 4 years and everyother day after that. Then it diminished till it was once a week. And how I miss getting it once a week. Now I’m lucky if I get it once a month! For the past 6 months it has been horrible I’m begging and pleading to have sex and it’s too much if he dont care why do I? I feel like he dont find me attractive any more he got a script from the doc but who can afford those little blue pills it’s like 400 dollars for a month. I would hate to spend that and it not work or him have a side affect to where I had to rush him to the doc. But when I asked the doctor for them he was so mad at me because he felt like I was saying he was less of a man to a doctor that deals with that all the time. All he wants to do is play games all the time barley talk to me. I ask if he wants to go our seprate ways but he says he loves me and he dont know why he dont want to have sex. He says he is not interested in any one eles or he dont even masterbate. This comming from someone that used to watch porn all the time and masterbate a few times a week. And the sex was great and it happend all the time. At least I know I’m not alone I m glad I found this blog. I feel like its my fault everything was good when I was working but I have been unemployed but I am bringing in the same amount of money I was when I was working so I dont understand how this could be a problem. I just want my husband back I dont want to cheat on him and I know he is not cheating on me. All he wants to do is play games on the playstation or the computer. He is my best friend I dont want to live without him in my life and I dont want to hurt him in any way. We have had heart to hearts and he tells me he is going to

February 20, 2011 at 12:14 am
(263) Amy says:

I had left a comment previously #240.
Things have gotten worse for us. I told him we have to get help for our sex problem. He blew up and told me in no uncertain words that was not going to happen. The only thing that is different is he built a apartment down stairs! Now he just closes the door and lives down there. The only thing we share is the washer & dryer and the garage. He is so selfish and stuborn. He dosen’t care about me that I’m lonely,depressed and unwanted. All communication with him is nonexistant.

February 23, 2011 at 6:59 pm
(264) leo says:

Amy – You are not unwanted. I think that you need to turn things around a little bit. You cannot control your husband’s behaviour, but you CAN change yours. You only have one life, and if you, for a moment, forget about your husband, you will see that there are many things that you can focus on that make it worthwhile. It seems like many of us get bogged down on wanting to change the way our partner sees and reacts to us, but the reality is, we have very little control over their behaviour. And even more importantly, we have an obligation to ourselves to make sure that our own happiness is something we generate independently – otherwise we are slaves to others. So your husband has decided to distance himself from you – clearly he has issues. But your life goes on – you are an individual with your own unique personality and ability. Look to the future and invest your energy into something that fullfills you and makes you happy. A hobby, a friend, family, whatever it takes to take your attention away from this very difficult situation. Take back the reins in your life and let him be. (And the by-product of your renewed fullfillment – The chances are, when he sees the transformation and your renewed energy, he will finally realize what he has been missing out on.). ďFirst they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.Ē Gandhi. Good luck.

February 28, 2011 at 7:37 pm
(265) Feeling lost and hopeless says:

Hi, I have been married for nearly 22years and like all you lovely ladies have a sexless marriage. I have an 11 year old daughter and a 19 year old daughter with my husband. We have had sex only 3 times since my youngest was born and I initiated it everytime. The last time was over a year ago. I am a very sexual person and cant go on like this anymore. He tells me that he loves me and is still in love with me but I find that very hard to believe. He wont even let me initiate sex anymore, all I get is no and pushed away like I am some sort of dog. I live in Australia and cant believe that women all over the world are treated like this. I desire my husband so much but it is useless being in a marriage like this when the love seems one sided. I am 84 kilos which isnt huge but I have also lost some hoping it would bring some sort of spark back. I also feel unattractive and fat. I have an ongoing pit in my stomach and feel totally heartbroken. I now realise after so many years of this, I should get out of this marriage and find someone who wants to love me for me to the way I deserve. The problem is after nearly 22 years I am in a rut. I dont even bother cleaning or anything anymore because I figure why bother, nothing changes. I dont know how I would feel meeting someone else and starting over again. I think I am scared of what is to come in my life and taking the next step. It is also so hard when you are still in love with your husband. Just dont know what to do anymore.

March 1, 2011 at 6:46 pm
(266) Leelu says:

I am amazed at all the women in the same circumstance as myself….I am in a relationship where we have sex maybe if I’m lucky, once every 2 weeks. He says I need to dress sexier, or initiate it, but done all that and all I get from him is “Baaabe, what do you want?” or ” I’m tired” or my favorite, ” I didn’t want to wake you”…BOOOO This is a bunch of crap. I am a very sexual being, none of my other relationships did I ever have to BEG for sex. I am not “fat” for lack of a better term according to the shallow Hal’s above, nor am I ugly, but he makes me feel that way. He would rather masturbate then have sex with me, when we do it is emotionless and boring. I am the first “older” woman (by 3 years) he has dated. He is in his mid thirties and has only dated young, very young girls (we are talking 18-22). SO I feel old and wrinkly. I have no problem with other men in his age group hitting on me, in fact men of various ages, old to young hit on me all the time, so what is his problem? I have talked to him till I am blue in thface about this subject, from anger to compasionately, to no avail. It does not change. He tells me he doesn’t know whats wrong with him, I do, He is an alcoholic. He drinks a six pack of 16oz almost every night. He says he loves me, but I feel myself pulling away from him more and more. He says he loves our life, and what I have accomplished from past to present for him to live comfortably in my home. I do love him but find myself thinking about meeting someone else. We have been living together almost a year and I am wondering now, when the lease is up, if he doesnt start getting it up if I am just going to get out….

March 4, 2011 at 10:45 am
(267) Leah says:

OMG I’m so glad I came across this site. I’m not alone! I have felt ugly, unwanted, unattractive, stupid and alone for over 10 years! My husband and I have been together for 16yrs and married for almost 11yrs. I truly feel that we are soulmates. We are and always have been best friends. But since we have gotten married (11yrs ago) he shows absolutley no desire to be intimate with me and it has been killing me for yrs! I actually went as far as trying to end my life (or it was a cry for help not sure) for feeling so alone and crazy. Whenever I talk to him about how I’m feeling he gets upset and says ” I’m a bad husband. I love you and want to be with no-one else. I’ll try to be better!” Well all that seems to be is words. Honest to god I truly think we’ve had sex maybe 30 times in the last 10 years and thats pushing it. It’s killing me! I am a sexual person. I need to be physically loved!!!! He is an awesome person, great father to our 2 kids and a incredible friend to all! I just don’t get it?!?!? I’ve talked with my girlfriends and they ask me is he cheating. I’ve always pondered the question and there isn’t a time where I could think he had a chance to. I am so confused. I’ve been told I should leave because I deserve more but I love him …. Any advice?

March 8, 2011 at 11:13 am
(268) Aly says:

Angelo & Mick,

You know what’s funny, to the both of you… you’re living lies in your marriages. What makes you so attractive to have that power “I would leave if it wasn’t for my kids”… No you should just leave now if that’s how you feel. Let someone else who finds your wives, gorgeous have a chance to make them happy, since you’re both not big enough men to even be honest. I’m sure there’s tons of men who would love to be in your place, ungrateful jerks!

There’s a lot of times I look at my husband and I’m thinking “what has happened to you, you used to look great… two years later you’re a mess” but I don’t hold that against him. I still love him dearly and I still think he’s a great looking guy, just definitely not what he used to be, but that’s okay!
He used to be in the military, and last year he got out… he’s gotten pretty big since then (he used to be built)… but I still want him… because I love him. There’s a lot of men who aren’t too happy with how their wives change, but they still love them and therefore, want them. It’s not just about the physical body.

My husband is 22 and I’m 20… I’m not tiny, but I think I have a decent shape to my body and I don’t have any issue with men turning their heads to look at me. I’ve even been followed and tracked down by a man before when I’ve been in a place for a little while. To his demise, I was married.
I’m not cocky about it, I don’t feel that I’m too great… but judging on how I’ve been looked at and treated by other men… I must have something going for me… yet my husband is never interested in sex.

So boys, it’s not just the women, some men are fatties and us women don’t like it either… but a lot of us have respect and care for people we love.

You both are disgusting, and so sad that the wives have to live with lying men who really don’t want them! You two are creeps!

March 8, 2011 at 4:26 pm
(269) Feeling lost and hopeless says:

To Aly (268), you are absolutely right, thank you for being so honest. It isnt hard to be a loving partner and have respect for each other. I dont understand if the men are not interested in their wives why leave them dangling when someone else would be interested. We all know the old saying there are plenty of fish in the sea. Its never too late to find love. After my gorgeous dad past away nearly 10 years ago, my mum has found new love and she is 78 years old. No one will ever replace my dad but I am so happy for her that she has someone in her life. Im not giving up and I hope you ladies dont either. It is so much harder for women, if we want sex we are normally labelled sluts but I think this term needs to be put onto men who lie, cheat and dont respect their home life. Good on you Aly for giving those guys are serve.

March 15, 2011 at 8:16 am
(270) Annie says:

Hi there,

It is indeed comforting to know that I am not the only person who has gone through this experience. I’ve read through every single comment here, and my heart goes out to you all, but I was wondering if anyone had any real suggestions on how to deal with/ cope with the fall-out from being in these relationships?

I am 25 and have just ended a seven year relationship – which also happened to be my first love – with a man who never wanted to have sex. Ever. I think I could count the times we had actual penetrative sex on one hand.

Now that I am out of it though, I am really facing the ramifications. The feelings of worthlessness, ugliness, unattractiveness that came out of that situation, I fear, are now permanently with me. I want to find a way to move on, but am terrified of entering into anything with anyone, and feel convinced that no-one will ever find me sexually attractive ever. In spite of friends trying to reassure me that I am beautiful, inside and out, I can no longer see myself as anything but ugly and am sure that is how the rest of the world sees me.

So I was wondering if there is anyone here who could talk to me about how to overcome those feelings and the negative self-perception you take on when trapped in a sexless relationship? When you have been so continually rejected by the one person who you ever loved, how do move on and find yourself beautiful again?

Thank you for any suggestions that could help.

And for all of the women on here who are asking/ debating whether you should leave, all I can say is, I completely understand what is holding you there, but one of the hardest things I have had to accept since the demise of this relationship is the fact that I have wasted 7 years of my life, and for what? All I got out of all that waiting and hoping and trying to fix things was a whole lot more issues. So get out sooner rather than later and limit the damage.

March 15, 2011 at 7:29 pm
(271) Leelu says:

Ladies,

As I commented above, we are all in relationships (or not) that deny us physical pleasure, but one thing we have seem to forgotten is all the other aspects of the relationship. Is it fullfilling in all other ways? Are you happy (other than for the sex part)? Does he make you laugh? Is he a good husband/boyfriend? Does he provide for you? Can you maintain his non sex days by yourself? You know what I mean…..We all want to feel that physical intamicy, to the point of measuring the entire worth of the relationship on this one aspect. I have talked to other male friends about this, sure there is some degree of truth to the physicality of a woman that men tend to focus on. They all do because they are very visual creatures, but men are also slooooow learners. They are taught there whole lives that they must be manly, aggresive and women are to be seductress’ to the “master”. We as women though, as we all know, are A LOT more emotionally intune. We base our entire relationships on how we feel now. We over think every situation. Its just built into us, we cant help it. Really though, we as women need to stop thinking so much. Look at the big picture, if everything falls into place and your happy with it, then just keep talking to him. Talk till he is tired of hearing how badly he “neglects you”, then maybe he’ll get so tired that he’llthrow your ass on the bed and make passionate love to you, maybe twice in one day. Then just keep reminding him how wonderful it makes you feel, then remind him (; of what he will be missing if he neglects you again.

March 15, 2011 at 7:30 pm
(272) Leelu says:

cont. from above…….

Just remember, to him, a naked woman in front of him is always beautiful, especially one on her knees. Play with him, be a little aggresive but not to much to scare him. If he continues to push you away, then I’m sorry to say you might want to consider either his sexuality or his fidelity. You ARE all beautiful women, your just feeling a bit neglected. NEVER, NEVER let anyone steal your power as a woman. Do not let the lack of certain situations define your beauty. No one defines you but you. You are responsible for yourself. So look in that mirror, smile big and tell yourself ” I am gorgeous!!!”

March 16, 2011 at 12:58 am
(273) Annie says:

I’m sorry Leelu, but I couldn’t disagree more.

Sure, there are many components that make up a good relationship, but if the relationship you are in is causing so much angst, self-loathing and sleepless nights that you are reduced to googling ‘why doesn’t he want sex?’, it means that you are not happy.

You can try to ignore it, focus on the other things – I did it for years – but if you wake up every day thinking about how ‘it would all be better if I was hotter/smarter/better/more caring’ then it isn’t healthy, your sense of self is being destroyed and you need to get out.

And the suggestion that the solution is a simple one of just ‘getting on your knees and playing with him’ I don’t think is particularly helpful. I doubt there isn’t a woman on here who hasn’t tried every trick in the book – every form of foreplay, every type of lingerie, begging, getting angry… EVERYTHING…and to no avail.

The way I see it is that these relationships really are one sided love. Your man does love you on a certain level, but it is as a best-friend and companion, not whole romantic love.

I’m trying to remain philosophical about the experience, and think about it in terms of well, I have some really close male friends who are attractive and fantastic and great people…but I wouldn’t sleep with them. The point I make is that, the fact that your partner isn’t interested in you sexually does not mean that you are bad or wrong…it means that they’re confused about their feelings, and that’s their responsibility to work out, not yours…It’s just a shame we’re the ones that get hurt in the process.

March 16, 2011 at 3:29 am
(274) Gloria says:

its been 3 yrs i m married and have a baby, after 6 months of my marriage i concieved and we din’t had sex till my baby was of 1 yr that means for almost 2 yrs, and even now we have sex 1 or 2 a month.
I know my husband is not cheating on me but he dont feel like to have sex. there is no erection or stamina problem but he feels lazy for it as he says i m tired. This problem is really sucking me and hurting me every night i sleep beside him. I have asked him to see doctor and he agreed too but never went for it due to his busy schedule. whether we go for outing or we are alone. there is no spark really need help.

March 16, 2011 at 8:34 am
(275) Feeling lost and hopeless says:

To Leelu, I think you think you know what you are talking about and obviously your male friends are going to agree with you and because they are males they have an objective towards the mens opinion. Try going through being rejected for nearly 22 years and see how you feel then. I am not a psyshologist and dont pretend to be, all I know is that myself and these women are fed up, all we want is our male partners to show us affection (in other words to be intimate within the bedroom). I am not just talking about sex, there is other ways to show this. Just for them to hug and feel sometimes is enough but these inconsiderate males do not know how to do this and us as wives have been taking it for far too long. I myself have had enough and have decided to leave, I have joined a dating site and found that so many other genuine males are interested. I now can love myself for who I am again. Take my advise ladies your husbands will never change!!!! I myself have given my husband 22 years too many chances and it never changes. My self esteem has now increased and to be desired by others feels great. I can now look at myself in the mirror and know that I did not cause this, it was not my fault and infact it was my husbands. Within the time I have been married I was a bloody good wife and mother but always felt as though I let my family down. Ladies dont get this far because believe me you are all worth it and you can look in the mirror and love yourself for who you are. Dont listen to the mental abuse your husbands give you, Yes that is right it is mental abuse, do not stay for the kids, get out in the world and find someone better. Leave them with themself and their hand. In all honesty I think that is what they prefer.

March 17, 2011 at 12:10 am
(276) Annie says:

Feeling lost and hopeless,

I am so glad to hear of your courage.

I was just wondering, were you scared about entering into an intimate relationship again? I am so scared that I will be rejected eternally, and so can’t make any moves or do anything. Do you have any suggestions on how to overcome this?

And I agree, it is mental abuse. I feel like I have really come out of an abusive relationship, but really not sure how to overcome it.

March 17, 2011 at 10:24 am
(277) D from Oz says:

I have spent all evening reading every single comment and really feel for those ladies stuck in years of pain. I love life and try to experience as much as I can while I am here. I am really worried because sex is very important to me in a relationship and I can’t live without it. Last year I left an 8yr relationship to move in with a man whom I thought the most warm, loving, passionate man I had ever met. He admitted he wanted to marry me and is taking me on a 5mth journey with plans to build a house when we get back. The last few months sex has dwindled even to the point of me trying to initiate only to get pushed back. Admittedly he was sick for a little while but now he says it is because he is tired. I was so frustrated I used a vb in the house whilst he was there, with the result being that I was so sickened afterward – I just thought if it had got to that stage it was really sad! I would like this to just be a phase but after reading all your posts, I just don’t know anymore… I wholeheartedly agree with the comment about not letting the men take your power away, I actually came up with that myself a few days after that event. It definitely made me feel better. Like others, I would rather live on my own (I am 43) than put up with rejection.

March 17, 2011 at 6:20 pm
(278) Feeling lost and hopeless says:

Hi Annie, thank you for your kind words. Yes I was absolutely scared, the fear of rejection and extremely low self esteem really takes a toll. The problem was after 22 years of being with one person it is really hard to move forward. But I found that to just take your time and dont rush into another relationship works, and also to let a man work for what he wants. Believe me you will not be rejected, if another man is genuine and wants the same as you. Work on yourself, dont blame yourself for what is your husbands fault and most of all love yourself for who you are. The funny thing is my husband wants me back, maybe he thought I could not get anyone else or have enough courage to do so. He is even asking me to see a cousellor with him (which is a first). I would have to think long and hard about this and I am not going back to what I once was. Annie the thing is we have to feel good about ourselves again and I know how hard this is but please believe me that it is worth it. Try to regain your self confidence because other men will see something in you that your husband doesnt. I wish you all the best and I hope you can see a better road ahead of you to be able to move on.

March 21, 2011 at 2:45 pm
(279) SexDeprivedInNJ says:

I am a husband, father of 2. I and my wife both work. It is so strange to read all these stories about unsatisfied ladies since in my case, the situation is reverse. I have so much drive and my wife has none. If I am lucky I get once in two months. THere are times when we did not have it for like 10 months. She has never initiated this in our 12 years history of marriage. She never wore attractive clothes to seduce me or just try to give me more than just sex. When we do it, she hardly moves. At times I feel like I am doing it to a half asleep intoxicated person. She never gave me a surprise. She does everything possible to make an excuse out of this.
Long story short, ladies, you are not alone. You have male counterparts also.

March 21, 2011 at 2:47 pm
(280) SexDeprivedInNJ says:

Continued from previous….

I have come to the point that now I do not expect it and do not do things that would hint her. No point in getting rejected. The feeling is not good.

So what is the way out?

I want to do it with someone else but I dont know how to find similar dissatisfied ladies !!! Being a responsible father, I want to come home directly from office so that I can be with my family. I tried using some of these websites which claim to hook you up with similar dissatisfied people but was not successful. I do not think it would be wrong either since it is one life and we are given certain things to enjoy.

My wife’s sex drive has always been very low. Even in initial period after marriage, we did not have much of it. Initially I thought she was going through changes in her life, settling in new environment and so she was not interested. I thought let her take her time. My days will also come one day. Years passed. Then I thought she had exams to pass, let her focus. Help her. Eventually everything will be fine. Then we had first child. It kept on getting lessor and lessor. My days never came. Now I have given up and seeking solutions outside of the box.

I know my post is not on the topic. But I thought to share with you all that it is both ways. I want to meet sex-starved females but I have no idea how to find and meet them.

March 21, 2011 at 8:57 pm
(281) Feeling lost and hopeless says:

To SexDeprivedinNJ, I am truly sorry for you, obviously you are one of these genuine men that I was talking about in my past comment. Most of these women on here would love and appreciate you as a husband. The feeling you are describing is exactly what most of us have been through and giving up is usually a given. Maybe join a dating site as I have done, you will be amazed at how many results you get. Your wife is crazy not wanting sex. Sex is suppose to be a big part within a marriage and honestly I dont blame you wanting to look elsewhere. In your case the shoe is definately on the other foot. I wish you all the luck and hope you can resolve your situation.

March 23, 2011 at 10:37 am
(282) ada 1st says:

wow… its not just me!.
im a 21 year old women engaged to the love of my life…
i am by no means (thanks to above male posts) fat or have let myself go. im slightly smaller then i was when i first met my soon to be hubby and maintain my weight well… i may not be as erratic with my grooming as i was when we first me (heels on all the time, hair extensions perfect).. but after you move in with someone they have to see the real you!… my hubby constantly tells me he thinks im beautiful and that he wants me, likes me better with no makeup, hates my hair extensions and does not want me to loose any weight.. but here i am at 10:30am on a week night on my laptop while he is sleeping next to me. to be honest.. i feel disgusting. i have no confidence anymore… if the man i love cant even have the time or the motive to touch me..

March 23, 2011 at 10:37 am
(283) ada 2nd says:

then what man would ever want me? when we first met, it was hot. he went away for a week and sent me dirty txts about how he wanted me. as shift workers we were never like “rabbits”.. but whenever we got the time we would go at it…
then in the last 6 months every month gets worse. we fight about what i believe should be the most natural thing…sex! he is not interested. he never makes a effort. he never calls me sexy unless i ask him to.. and when we do have sex (normally after one of these talks or a blown out fight).. it feels like he is preforming a service to me. its all about me satisfying him.. he jumps on top then its all over untill the next fight!

March 23, 2011 at 10:38 am
(284) ada 3rd says:

i want a passion in my relationship. i want my partner to be so turned on by me he just cant keep his hands off me…. we can be sitting watching a movie…i’ll try and touch him and he will always get frustrated with me saying “im trying to watch the movie please dont”… he has even used the “its 4pm in the afternoon” excuse!. we cannot have sex anywhere outside the bedroom.. and if i send him a naughty message he because angry at me because he is at work. i feel so lost. i dont know what to do.. it is killing my self confidence. i .. like many of you other women cry myself to sleep. when we get into fights over it.. i feel like i’m the bad one and i expect to much of him… and when we do talk about it he shuts of and wont talk back to me when i ask him a question. sometimes its the “im older then you excuse”.. the man is 31!… i’m so lost. i am so in love with him. he is my bestfriend in every other regard but i dont know if i can marry a man who shows such little interest in me. he says he will change but it never does.. it gets worse… and the most heartbreaking thing was i find he looks at porn!.. but he claims to have no sex drive?. it has really got me doubting our relationship after the last fight.. we did have sex last night but it was the usual no interest in satisfying me.. and then it was over. im so lost as to what to do :( . thanks for letting me vent :(

March 23, 2011 at 5:22 pm
(285) faith says:

My husband decided 30 years ago that he no longer wanted sex. He just up an announced to me the last sex we had was it. I didn’t even have a chance to talk to him about his feelings. He told me I was boring and didn’t really love me. I was totally destroyed. I did ask why he married me and the answer was something I didn’t expect. He said that he wanted to try out marriage to see if he liked it. I wish I would have known this in the beginning at least then I could have found a man who really apppreciated me. But no he waited about 10 years and lowered the bomb shell. I’m still with this creep because of our twin boys. He wanted nothing to do with me or our kids. I just gave up and after the kids were grown and gone I shrunk into the corner. Both of our kids were not happy about there lives at home and there lives have been also destroyed. One hates women and works I think, the other I think lives on the street some where, for all I know he might be dead. I never hear from either of my kids. I don’t know even what state hey live in. Note: Husband is not gay or into porn

March 27, 2011 at 1:50 am
(286) SexDeprivedInNJ says:

Thanks “(281) Feeling lost and hopeless”.
I got rejected tonight again and feeling compelled. Has anyone tried any website to connect for a discreet relation successfully without getting ripped off? i researched and felt most of them have phony profiles and would make you pay for membership.

March 28, 2011 at 11:00 pm
(287) confused and need to vent! says:

I just need to vent!! I have a wonderful husband who professes to love me more than anything in this world. And I don’t doubt this. I am not a bitch. I rarely ever nag or fuss. I am easy going and out going. I also participate in all the activities my husband enjoys….I am pretty, intelligent, work full time and earn a good living. People have told me I am the total package. But my husband rejects me sexually. It didn’t start out this way. He seemed sexual in the beginning but the more time passes (been married for 1 1/2 years) we only have sex if he initiates it. If I want to be intimate he usually has an excuse-”headache”, “ate too much”, “drank too much”….he also has turned his head to my kisses claiming he has coffee or cigarette breath”….this has happened at least dozens of times since we wed. He get angry if I protest or even try to have a calm discussion about why he makes up excuses for not “being in the mood”. I feel so inadequate. Men would give their eye teeth to be with me and he does not appreciate a woman who never turns him down. My ego and self esteem cannot take anymore rejection…..

March 28, 2011 at 11:26 pm
(288) confused and need to vent! says:

Leelu,,,,,,have you been reading any of these comments????? Me along with these other women can’t even get to our knees. Its not a matter of our technique. Its not a matter of being playful…..its a matter of we are rejected from the get go. We are shut down from the word GO. I have tried all the lingerie, the playfulness, and get turned down right off the bat. I am so sick of women posting that have NO IDEA whats its like to be rejected!!

March 28, 2011 at 11:31 pm
(289) confused and need to vent! says:

ada 3rd, i feel your pain!!! same here!!!! i have found porn wesbsites on our computer and i feel rejected and disgusted!!! i feel like he MUST be masturbating to these skanks and why? when he has a woman who loves him dearly and would do everything in those porn movies and more. i feel so subhuman and dont know if i can take a man who rejects me like this!!

March 28, 2011 at 11:35 pm
(290) confused and need to vent! says:

sex deprived in NJ, i read your post and truly am sorry. i almost can understand why people search for physical needs on the internet. hang in there….

March 30, 2011 at 10:10 am
(291) misha says:

Hi all,

Just thought I would check out my problem to see if there is any advice on how to deal with this. Looks like there are A LOT of problems and not much good advice.

HE SAYS I am the love of his life, the one, and that he totally loves me, I FEEL that I am just hanging around, waiting for the inevitable day when he connects with some online stupid bimbo who fires him up the way I used to. He doesn’t know it yet, but men are creatures of habit and for the most part of it they don’t seem too smart when it comes to love.

Seems to be a bit of a predictable cycle for a lot of relationships….man loves woman, man gets woman, man gets bored, man cheats and finds another woman, man loses money to ex woman, man loses new woman to man who has more money and is younger, man feels sorry for self and hates all women.

Yep, some of you guys are kinda dumb about this stuff- I’m generalising of course, but you can’t say you haven’t seen it all before!

Back to my problem…..My partner and me started amazingly well – he’s great in bed, he really is- and after a while- about a year, things tapered off. At the start I didn’t notice so much that it was me firing things a lot of the time…then I clicked that he wasn’t chasing me, or grabbing me (in a lusty sense) like he used to, or doing any of those things a man is supposed to do to a woman he loves and desires….- Correct me if I’m wrong here, now, but men are supposed to want sex, aren’t they?

March 30, 2011 at 10:13 am
(292) misha says:

Now it is down to about twice a month if that…usually in the morning, when I don’t feel all that desirable or attractive ..it just feels like convenience. No effort on his part at all to get naughty any other time. There is nothing wrong with either of us physically, though he has put on a bit of weight. I still am very attracted to him.
I just feel so let down to have finally found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and he just doesn’t seem to fancy me (and yes I am bloody hot). When I brought this up (again) I bluntly told him twice a month just doesn’t cut it for me and that it was a symptom of a relationship spluttering its way to an early death. He weakly replied “it’s not twice a month”…great response, thanks, honey!

I want to be desired and appreciated, I would be very adventurous and willing if he would only tell me what he really wants, (I know I can’t be an 18 year old cheerleader) I want to please my man …I love him and am not a cheater, I just want him to want me. I am just totally sick of feeling old, sad, unsexy, inadequate, rejected and demoralised.

I am kidding myself if I think it will get better, I can see from all the sad stories and the horrible years of treatment of the ladies on here that it will not.

If you can’t fix it then it’s broke, y’see? Men don’t seem to have any problem moving on if THEY are not happy. Why not us ?

The answers are all here, ladies, if you ain’t getting it the way you want it, and you can’t put up with it…change the man, you only live once.

March 30, 2011 at 10:19 am
(293) misha says:

Hi all,

Be poor and happy, not an uncherished bird in a gilded cage, plucking out its own feathers to punish itself. If you do have kids, well, you’ve already sacrificed quite a lot for them….haven’t you? Body/money/ time/freedom /youth/independence/individuality?
Don’t you think they would be better off with a happy parent, one setting a good example of a life lived happy, rather than a miserable unappreciated mother? What is THAT teaching them about relationships?

It’s NOT your fault, you ARE beautiful, and you DO deserve better. So…

Make yourself the best you can be (interesting, attractive, a pleasure to be around) and if he still doesn’t want you, kick him to the kerb!
Get out there and look for what YOU want, have some fun, but don’t give yourself away cheaply- that’s never attractive!….
And finally, if you are a big girl, (which seems to be a big male gripe, even if they are too) don’t make yourself miserable with crazy diets, just really try to get healthier a little at a time and find a man who likes their ladies that way, and yeah, they do exist.
Not every man is a shallow porn addled arrogant insensitive moron.

I hope.

;-)

Peace and love x

March 31, 2011 at 8:46 am
(294) Miss S says:

Well, where do I start? I am 2 secs away on calling it quits on my marriage.I know those of you reading will know how upset I am. Reading that you have suffered likewise is ashamedly so uniting yet most of all, enlightening faced with the common source which is so evil. I love this man so much, he is my bestie and so adorable. Magnify that hurt!!! Because when I love – it is most foolishly based on emotion and love and I know there is no future. I am decimated for him. Not one person knows what a shame this is. I am a failure without debate, but also without tiring xx I love u all

April 4, 2011 at 12:44 am
(295) Konnie says:

I’m at a loss. My husband and I have been married for almost a year. 2 months after we got married he became very distant and we didn’t have sex, then he ended up cheating on me. Since then, sex has been strained. I want to feel as though he wants me, but its just been getting worse and worse with each passing month. I love him, but every night I’m so starved for the physical and emotional affection its making me miserable. When we do have sex theres no zing in it. I’m left unsatisfied and depressed. I’m feeling rejected and ugly. I’m 5’3” and 125lbs so I’m a good weight, but I keept losing more and more to try and be attractive. He hasn’t spoken to the other woman in almost a year (I hope?). I have no reason to believe that he’s made contact with her again. I can’t justify ending a marriage on the fact that we’re not having sex. I’m otherwise happy with everything…but this is just making me miserable.

April 6, 2011 at 6:08 pm
(296) Feeling lost and hopeless says:

To Konnie (295), A leopard never changes its spots. In your heart you will always be suspicious. You have only been married for a year and already your husband is sex depriving you. Depending on his age and Im taking that he is not that old, he should be wanting sex. Sex should be a number 1 priority to keep you happy. Being such a young marriage like alot of these women you all have the opportunity to get out before one year turns into dozens. In our minds we say its going to change but it never does and before we know it year after year passes and so does the ability to leave because by this time our souls are crushed.

April 8, 2011 at 11:18 pm
(297) sharbear says:

I feel your pain–and the other women out there. Love my husband tremendously, don’t doubt he loves me (and don’t believe he’s cheating)…My question is: how do you approach this? It’s easy to say “talk to him,” but when you are feeling unattractive/undesirable, how do you start that conversation? Do you just be blunt and say the dreaded “we need to talk” and then dive in? I’m at a loss…it’s been (no joke) 3 years for me, and not for wont of wanting (though the trying dies out after too many rejections…)

April 9, 2011 at 7:12 am
(298) Feeling lost and hopeless says:

To Sharbear, How long have you been married? Absolutely confront him and ask why. How much more can he hurt you and you will probably hear its not you its me. I have heard this over and over. I dont understand why us as women have taken this for so long. I am dating someone different and dont know why I didnt do this so many years ago. I know I was scared but we all are. I can honestly say if you dont try you will get nowhere. Be independent and go for it. I know it is easier said than done but beleive me I went through 22 years of this and you can change. Believe in yourself and anything is possible. Do not give them the power. I absolutely understand where you are coming from but 3 years of no sex will turn into so many more years. I know this from experience. I just want what you ladies deserve and that is respect and love.

April 9, 2011 at 10:18 am
(299) Feeling lost and hopeless says:

Guys do me a favour listen to the song Believe by Cher, I think that says it all

April 11, 2011 at 8:42 am
(300) Anni says:

My fiance and I been living together for a year and I am 7 pregnant and in the beginning of our relationship he was so sexually active. After a few months he started losing interest in sex. I look the same way the day he met me only weight i have gain is on my stomach and I don’t dress up too often as i use to before. When I would suggest or play those sexual games he would say I will be there in a min and I will be there waiting for an hour sometimes two and yet he still hasn’t come to the bedroom. When I come out to see why he is taking so long he is playing his computer game. The other day I was looking at the computer history and I found out that he has been watching porn. When i asked why he rather sit there watching porn and masturbating than do something with me he has an excused that he didn’t think that I would want to do anything. I am a very sexual person and he knows that but there are many times I just want to move on because I cant live the rest of my life like this. He is a very sweet person he does everything i asked. He carters to me but I need to have a sexual relationship if not I might as well be alone.

April 11, 2011 at 10:58 am
(301) Anni says:

@ Annie. I have been there when i decided to end my relationship with my 1st love. No matter how many amazing things people say you are it isn’t going to make a difference. What I did was I just focus on myself and fix the way i feel. Starting off by not caring what anyone else thinks because you shouldn’t blame yourself for him not being into sex. It doesn’t mean that you are the problem he might has a problem. It is going to take time but you need to build your self esteem up and see yourself as that beautiful person that you are. Then when you reach that point where you are confident and feel beautiful and go out in the world and start dating again and don’t settle for just anybody make sure he is worth it. :)

April 16, 2011 at 3:08 am
(302) Rob says:

This is a sad thread to read. I’ve felt many of these things as my wife and I had a clinically sexless marriage for about 10 years, but we got things back on track last year. It’s still not fantastic, but we’re much, much better off than we were. It took me speaking up, since before I felt like I needed to avoid the topic to keep the peace.

I’m struck by the lack of success stories here. There have to be some out there! I think it probably is harder for a guy to be the low desire partner because society’s expectations make you feel like a weirdo and because guys don’t have a lot of people in their lives that they can talk these problems through with. It easier to shut down all conversation than confront an issue like this that affects your self image so much.

I’m reading Intimacy & Desire by David Snarch, which I’d recommend to the ladies here. There’s a great education about the dynamics between the high desire partner and the low desire partner. The low desire partner doesn’t feel like there’s room for him or her to have desire for themselves. No matter what happens, it pays for the higher desire partner to make himself or herself happy without relying on the approval the other. I’ve seen that advice here and I think it’s great. It’s also a reason that cheating isn’t a good idea. Chances are you’ll wind up losing respect for yourself when your self esteem has already taken too many blows.

One idea I read on Laura Brotherson’s blog, and that helped my wife and I, was declaring a “no sex” time period. We already hadn’t had sex for 2-3 months by then so it wasn’t fun, but it gave us a chance to reconnect with kissing, hugging, etc, without triggering fears that it was all leading up to what I really wanted. That might be worth trying, too, but you have to mean it!

It’s a tough spot to be in and the battles you have just in your own mind can be exhausting. I wish you ladies the best of luck! There is hope!

May 11, 2011 at 10:39 pm
(303) LonelyNJ says:

workout 6 days a week, i am involved with the community, i am smart, friendly, funny, i keep fit. what is wrong here?!?! we talk but it goes nowhere. he says i need to initiate (but when i do he shows no interest) LOSE LOSE for me. just makes me feel so low but i love him to pieces.
WHAT DO I DO?!?!?! all my friends talk about their sex lives and i am VERy quiet during this. Then i will have a drink and spill my guts and feel horrible that somebody knows my secret, that my husband doesn’t wanna have sex with me!!!!

May 13, 2011 at 2:37 am
(304) Diana says:

Hi LonelyNJ and all

Know how you feel, it’s horrid being in a group who are discussing their great sex lives when you know yours is practically non-existent.

If I didn’t instigate it , it would never happen and we’ve had countless talks about it but still nothing from him. I’ve now given up and am going to see how long it takes for him to instigate something, which will probably be months!

It makes me feel less of a women and like there’s something wrong with me. I even said to him 2 years ago that I wouldn’t marry him if things stayed as they were.

I just can’t work it out…………..

May 13, 2011 at 10:29 pm
(305) Bremen067 says:

In my case, my wife and I met in our early 30′s, the first marriage for us both. When we married nine years ago, she weighed 105 pounds at 5’2″. After two kids and nine years, I would estimate her weight north of 200 pounds. I’m stout, but actually 15 pounds less than when we married. Not only does she have no interest in sex (120 days without and counting), but I really have no interest in seeing her naked, let alone sleep with her.
I should point out that my wife has a lifestyle that most women would kill for- I know this because many other women have told me. I make in the seven figures range, she does not work, the kids are in school full-time, she spends her days zooming around in her luxury cars, and we own vacation properties in two state. She doesn’t have to cook or clean, and her only real job is taking the kids to school and picking them up in the afternoon.
When I bring this up, she promises things will change, but they never do. This has bred resentment in me, and I’m tempted to play outside the sandbox with a younger woman I know socially. Any suggestions before I step out to the wild side?

May 17, 2011 at 3:25 am
(306) Katie says:

My husband and I have been married over 6 yrs now and have a beautiful 1yr old daughter. At the time we got married, my husband was really interested in sex but I was always afraid of getting pregnant too soon and was a little hesitant the first few months since I was not taking precautions yet either. In the months to follow, I ended up gaining around 40lbs as well and we’d end up having sex maybe once in 2 weeks or so. At the time I was very ashamed of my body but didnt do anything about it. We were both busy with work and stuff. A couple of years back I started working on my weight. Once we started trying to have a baby, our sex life was practically concentrated on just trying to get pregnant which we did.

Whenever I try talking to my husband about whether he has any issues with having sex, his answer is always that he was initially very interested but since I didnt show too much of interest he has also lost interest. I agree it was my fault initially but after 6 yrs, can it be true that hes not interested just because of that? Such conversations usually end up in a heated argument. My husband is an extremely loyal and family oriented guy. I know that our baby and I mean the world to him. I have now managed to lose all my pregnancy weight and more and am around 125lbs and 5’3 which I think is okay. Any small kind of tension at work or anywhr else puts him off. I tend to feel extremely neglected coz of this. not that he neglects me He is extremely supportive and helpful in every possible way at home. So sometimes I feel I may be expecting too much. Am I?? What can I do?

May 19, 2011 at 1:13 am
(307) fishface says:

I had the same problem as most people on this blog … sexless marriage and I tell you the problem is pornography!

I did a little investigating on his laptop and found he’d been looking at heaps of porn sites. Apparently this is common and a man will become a sexual recluse, preferring his porn fantasies to the real thing.

So I disconnected the internet (made up some excuse about the service provider) then hid the laptop (said it was being repaired after I spilt coffee on it) and after 1 week we’re having sex again!!!!!

God help me when the internet gets reconnected!!!!!

May 22, 2011 at 2:19 pm
(308) Debra says:

my husband and i have been married for almost 9 years. he is
74 and i am 58; although, that was never the issue. when i married him he led me to believe that he loved only me and was happy to married. Making love became having sex in a few short years and then he made an excuse to leave the bedroom, where he has been ever since then; another bedroom. Sex stopped altogether, never again. what i found out on the computer that he was looking at porn; but also setting himself up with young women; ages 18-40 on specific websites; mate1.com;meet the naughty women in your area.com, etc. he has been golfing down north and south carolina with local golf groups; men, mainly and this is where i believe the gentlemen’s club came into being and spending money for a lap dancer of his choice. then i caught him having affairs with young women; and one in particular a woman who is married and has an apartment sharing with him; of course, i found out about this and now
he swears he is doing nothing. He attends church and somehow I know that this is in God’s Hands, but what about me. He does not make a move towards me and basically i really don’t trust him with the fact he has had sex
with these other women and as young as they go; for i feel
that with what his children have told me that he even did this while he was still married to their mother, who has since passed on from this life. I know that men just cannot
accept the fact that they are growing old and feel the need
to always have sex with whom ever they can talk them into.
I am embarrassed over this; it is hard to keep civility in the marriage with what i know; so tell me what and why is he
doing this? And will there ever be a solution for behalf?

May 24, 2011 at 1:50 pm
(309) Nieke says:

i have been married for 6 months now and i have given up…
my husband. shows alot of intrest when outside of the bedroom but when ever i try somthing his always to tierd or not in the mood or something. he’ll never say no for a bj but other wise its always no. i’m not in perfect shape but i do think that i am now in alot better shape than i was when we started dating. i’m not alowd in the bathroom wehen he is naked and not in the bedroom either. he says he has lost intrest in sex because its always the same thing but that isnt true!!! i have realy tried my best to be the best lover i can be.

one time i asked him how does a woman seduce a man and he said “well, that is sooo ease!” and when i asked him why i have tried and faild? he answerd ” youre just you…” What does that meen? and he is never romantic any more! he has alot of intrest in other women but not me… having heart to hearts with him doesnt work… is there nothing in me that he finds desireble? Im only 22… i slwayse thoght that sex is a way of showing youre desire and love for your partner but now it seems to me i was wrong. how can it be that somthing that was so beautiful can disspear in just 4 months?

May 31, 2011 at 11:35 am
(310) Beautiful Disaster says:

I am so happy i found this article I now feel like I’m not alone! I have been living with my boyfriend for 8 months now. At the beginning of the relationship everything was great we would have sex two to three times a day! but since we moved to this new apartment he hasn’t been the same he isn’t as affectionate anymore we don’t have sex anymore and when we do its only enough to where he gets satisfied and then he says hes too tired to finish the job. If i do try to get him going he turns the other way and when I ask him why we dont have sex as often he tells me he wants to take a break because “we dont need to do it every day” event though we don’t do it every day?. He does say he loves me and we’ve had many heart to heart conversations and he says he still loves me and that there is no one else. I’m certain there is no one else. I know its not my looks I’m very fit and I always get told how pretty I am by complete strangers. but his rejection s taking a toll on my self esteem I don’t feel pretty I feel disgusting like i can’t satisfy my boyfriend. it hurts so much i cant even sit here and type this without crying I don’t know what else to do I feel like I’ve done everything to try and get him interested again i do everything to make him happy but its no use. someone please help me.

June 4, 2011 at 3:54 am
(311) Feeling lost and hopeless says:

To Beautiful disaster, Im sorry to sound harsh but your boyfriend is just that, “your boyfriend”. You are not married to him and as far as Im concerned can get out of the relationship. This site is for people who have been married to their partners for a considerable amount of time. You obviously have no children to him so what I hear is that you can be free to do as you wish. It is probably wise no to continue the relationship with him, especially if he is like this now and your not married to him, you dont want to be trapped in a sexless marriage. If you are as pretty as you say then there should be no problem finding someone else. It is so easy for him to say I love you but it is not the same as in love. I wish you luck.

June 4, 2011 at 1:28 pm
(312) jam says:

ok my relationship with my husband is great except sex when we were younger he was all over me we would have sex all night long we broke up i married another man years later we got back together. i have a very high sex drive very kinky all that i never refuse sex even if we are fighting. he knows he can get it if he wants it as long as its fesable ie kids arent around or are asleep. when we got married he didnt have sex with me for over a week which still bothers me. we will have sex sometimes 2 times a month or maybe 2 times a week wich i guess isint that bad but i want it everynight and when we do have sex it lasts 2 min so i still feel unsatisfied. sometimes ill take a shower put on a naughty nighty big boots and try n tease him with dancing and things and he will still turn me down. thats really painful. ive tried to compromise with him but i get the impression hes happy with how often he gets it so he dosent care that im unhappy. hes always too tiered too sore or some kind of excuse. or when he is actually intrested hes all over me then quickly its done. so sometimes when im laying in bed unsatisfied feeling unatractive frustrated and hurt with tears rolling down my face wondering is this gonna be my life do i have to live the rest of my life feeling this way i think about leaving him before i waste the rest of my life with him. but i dont i stick by him and i never tell him that it has me on the verge of leaving and he goes on not doing anything to fix his lack of intrest or premature ejaculation. and its pretty much rinse and repeat over and over. in the past 4 years i think ive only had good sex maybe 5 times and that was only becuse he was willing to go a second time. i wonder what keeps him from wanting sex . becuse im so confused sometimes he tells me he gets off so early cuz im so hot or kinky but then other times he dosent seem to want me even when i try my best to turn him on. any man have an idea?

June 8, 2011 at 12:47 am
(313) Rob says:

Jam – it seems at least a little likely that his shying away from sex is related to feeling inadequate due to the PE. I recently read a book called Resurrecting Sex that had a pretty good section on PE and how it affects a guy’s mental state. It causes a lot more anxiety than he would be willing to admit. That book might be worth hunting down and seeing if it resonates with him.

But even if it remains a problem you’ll need to help take control and slow things down. Learn the joys of “outercourse”, for example. When he succeeds at fulfilling you in other ways, his enthusiasm for sex will almost certainly increase.

June 16, 2011 at 11:28 am
(314) Sam says:

I have been married for 1.5 years. We are a young couple, I am 25 and my husband 31. He has a complete lack of interest in me lately. There is always work to be done, his son to be collected, friends to meet or any kind of other issue that needs to be attended to. I am an attractive woman who works in a bar (because of moving across the world for him, this is all I can do) I constantly get hit on by all kinds of men. I get more attention from these other guys than I do from him. I even get hit on when he is right next to me. We went from having sex pretty much everyday sometimes even twice a day to having sex once every two weeks (if I am lucky) We argue because I want sex and he doesn’t. Today I tried to set up a date night for us but he would rather go and sit with his uncle and aunt in a bar down the road then go out with me. I am absolutely gutted. I keep on trying and he keeps ignoring me.

June 16, 2011 at 8:56 pm
(315) Vanessa says:

To all those bagging on the guys who are saying they are no longer attracted to their wives as they have gained weight I think it is important you understand a different female point of view. I am a female and I believe that you are obligated to your partner to maintain your looks to some degree – I am not talking plastic surgery and fake boobs here, just a positive attitude toward being a healthy size. Your partner has no obligation to be attracted to you – either he is or he isn’t. He can’t force it upon himself. He should however be loyal, loving and commited – which also means he should maintain his looks for you. Work as a team to stay healthy together – those who play together, stay together!! My partner and i have sex about twice a month – partly because we are slack and hes a shift worker – which I personally would like to triple at least! And with that I say I would certainly not jeopardise my chances of getting what I can by gaining an unhealthy amount of weight!!!

June 18, 2011 at 8:15 am
(316) Scarlet says:

Hey, i’ve been married for just over a year now. Up until just before we got married we had a wonderful life together and enjoyed sex on a regular basis which was satisfying for both of us. Now, it is completely non-existant. In fact I would say it is a sexless marriage. My husband acknowledges this and blames it on mild depression, I think however, that this has been going on from before he was feeling low. He admitted that he does not find me sexually attractive anymore and I am beginning to wonder if I find him sexually attractive. Thinking about divorce/affair as non of us are happy anymore but don’t want to be the bitch that finished a marriage with a depressed person!

June 18, 2011 at 11:13 pm
(317) Sherry says:

I have been married for almost two years. My husband and I havenít had sex in several months. He was on an antidepressant, but he got off of it about two months ago, but nothing has changed except his attitude and his temper have gotten worse. Tonight he called me a slut for talking about getting a sex toy! I have tried everything I know with him, but everytime I initiate sex, he rejects me. He prefers to be alone and doesnít like to be around people. I know and understand that he has some psychological issues, and I have asked him to work on those. I have begged him to go to counseling with me (I currently go). I am so lost and it feels like he doesnít want me in any sense.

June 21, 2011 at 2:49 pm
(318) joseph says:

Yo I’ve been married for about 2 and a half years. We’re a pretty young couple. We have a great relationship and I love her like crazy but she doesn’t seem to be interested in sex anymore. We dated for about 3 years prior to getting married, during that time we had sex constantly, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, always trying new things, reading the kama sutra, doing it in public places.
Shortly after getting married all of that stopped. I began feeling insecure, was she mad at me? Is she stressed? Does she not find me attractive? I actually brought it up once after about a week of celibacy. She got angry, then she cried. She said she just didn’t have a strong sex drive. I cried too because I felt awful for hurting her feelings. So maybe her sex drive is just not as strong as mine (that sucks). But then I wonder about the old days: was her sex drive low back then and she just slept with me because she didn’t want me to break up with her? And now that we’re married she doesn’t feel obligated to oblige me anymore?
Am I a sexaholic or is she just frigid? Who knows…
Currently I’ve resolved to just watch porn and masturbate to satisfy my urges.

June 23, 2011 at 1:10 pm
(319) Steve says:

aside from possibly depression (which may be caused by feelings of a crappy marriage) men are pretty simple to understand. no amount of dressing up, role playing, games, seduction techniques, talking etc. will change the fact that he no longer wants to have sex or be intimate with you. trust me, I’m a guy. so to all the ladies on here (99% of comments) stop being so naive and just listen to a guy for a second instead of rebutting everything a guy says. we are on here to help you. would I ask my guy friends why a girl is acting the way she is, no, I would ask a girl… cause their feelings are different from ours. look, as hard as this is to hear, he probably has found someone else he is interested in, and if not, he is definitely looking. nothing you can do can change that, so best to just come to terms with it and move on. once a guy loses feelings for a girl it is very difficult for them to be reversed. it is obvious to me that the husbands in 99% of these comments are no longer sexually stimulated by their wives, another reason why men prolong getting married, cause most realize this will happen eventually. we don’t look at life the way women do, its that simple. nothing will ever compare to bachelor life, so once married after awhile a guy longs for it again once their marriage becomes mundane and dull, its just natural. Like driving the same car for 50 years, unless its a classic, you will want change. women don’t think this way, they are more emotionally attached, and want that romanticism, guys are not programmed that way. if you continue on with this relationship/marriage nothing will change, not counseling, not medication, nothing. As difficult as it is, you just have to come to terms with where you stand in this relationship, and either put up with it forever (which I don’t suggest), or move on. There are no other answers, sorry.

Be stong!

June 23, 2011 at 1:15 pm
(320) Steve says:

STOP WRITING THE SAME COMMENTS.

JUST REFER TO MY COMMENT ABOVE FOR THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION.

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June 23, 2011 at 1:34 pm
(321) me me says:

I really think that if women respect their husbands through their actions and words that their husbands will desire them on a deeper and sexual level. Respect takes a ton of strength on the behalf of the woman. Unlike mothering/loving feelings, respect is a purposeful act that takes effect or forethought on the behalf of the women. It is speaking kindly, without contempt or an attitude of you’re stupid… I knew that. It is not only with our words but the tone of our voice, and our body language. Communicating respect come a cross in so many ways or doesn’t for that matter. I respect my husband by taking care of myself… I don’t sit around all day eating candy and gaining a bunch of wait. That isn’t going to make anyone happy. And I don’t blame him for my problems. If I’m emotional and go to the frig to solve my problems with our relationship… that’s my fault not his! He didn’t put a gun up to my head and make me eat the ice-cream! Also, I know my husband well enough to understand his needs…NOT project my needs onto him! He isn’t like me… he’s a man. He wants to be esteemed in front of other men by me, but he’s not going to tell me that! Also, I don’t correct him in front of others! I do that in private. Also, I know our culture say, test drive a car before you buy it but that’s a crap shout! We waited till marriage and I believe because of that we built a lot of trust on the foundation of our marriage bed. Neither of us doubt the others commitment, faithfulness, and warmth. Sometimes I wonder if women and men… could just hear the way they treat their lover. I wouldn’t want to be that person’s friend, let alone an intimate lover. Who wants to be vulnerable with a Jackle and Hide Husband or Wife! One minute their singing your praise the next their ripping you apart! Check out the book or video series “love and respect”

June 23, 2011 at 10:14 pm
(322) rain says:

To Steve, whatever, we will write what we want and feel (its called freedom of speech) and thanks for your stupid comment but as a guy you have no idea what these ladies are going through and never will.

June 27, 2011 at 12:14 am
(323) Rob says:

Steve has apparently never made a major commitment or had to work through a serious issue. If you feel that way about a long term relationship, you’ve never done it right. All of the “shut up! I have spoken and there’s no need for further discussion” makes for interesting people watching, too.

It’s safe to ignore his claims that there’s nothing that can be done, but you could use his thoughts about loss of attraction to ask some very direct, hard questions to your husbands and rebuild from there.

June 27, 2011 at 6:16 pm
(324) rain says:

Well said Rob

June 30, 2011 at 5:21 pm
(325) alone says:

Emma (56) nailed it on the head. I would love for a man who does that to post something here. Obviously, they are not looking for help in this area, so they aren’t visiting this forum. I get the stereotypical “woman is frigid” thing, but from reading all these posts, I am tempted to say the tables have turned. My ex molested my daughter and niece… explained the extremely passionless sex, where looking into my face obviously distracted him from his “fantasy”. Found later he was spending an average of 3 hours a day at work looking at porn. Now my new husband of 9 months, the best lover I ever had, who did it with me several times in a weekend when we lived far apart, now is happy with once a month. And emotionally he is stuck in his old marriage. So where does that leave me? I hate people who have affairs, but I now know what drives them to them. Porn ruins lives, and marriages and peoples’ souls. And men can’t get interested in “real” women anymore… they have been conditioned to like the images of women on tv commercials selling beer. Nothing is less appealing than a man with a remote in his hand watching his big screen tv. Nothing says “boring moron” more than that.

July 4, 2011 at 9:51 am
(326) Marike says:

I would like to thank Steve for his honesty and it does open a lot of eyes, not in my case. A bit harsh , but heck live is harsh.

In my case , I started with a special program to spice up the marriage, you start with dances in the bedroom and I ended up doing poledancing.My dances was getting out of hand and I wanted to do it in a Competition we have each year. Then I noticed that I was concentrating to much on myself, what about the program to get my husband satisfied.

True, I had needs also going with these dances, but never seemed to reach the point to arouse my husband. I guess I got tired of showing my moves with no happy ending with that.

Then there is the financial incomfort, my hubby had to leave his company bringing in minimum income, and now with the little sex life we have, we also had to move in with the inlaws. Our medical fund is also causing stress because of all the obligation that goes with an pregnancy.

Will this marriage be stong enough, I pray it does. With me being the positive one in this relationship, I only know that it will work. I don’t want children with an other man.

Seems like our ladies have to make the first move, cause we are the ones who made Adam eat that forbidden fruit in the first place. We are the seductive one, the initiative specie…make your move and don’t take “no” for an answer.

He will thank you later…

July 6, 2011 at 12:12 am
(327) K says:

I’ve been married for less than a month. We’ve had issues sexually since the beginning, but it seems like our dry spells are turning into droughts. He tells me he loves me all the time, he’s physically attentive in other ways, but he never initiates and it takes a lot of coaxing to get him in the mood. I’m feeling very frustrated and fugly, especially since before we were together I was used to getting a lot of sexual attention and easily arousing my partner. I feel very disconnected from him and very hurt. He says he’s attracted to me, but I just don’t see it. He’s said before that he views sex as just a way to procreate. We’ve already discussed that we aren’t going to have children and have taken the steps to prevent it, so what’s the problem? Should I be looking somewhere else to find satisfaction?

July 15, 2011 at 11:41 am
(328) Cindy says:

I’m married to a German man, he could live without sex I think…he has rejected me sexually numerous times…he would say like I’m not a machine!!! It seems like he has some kind of mind disability yet very intelligent in other areas. I’ve heard that Germans are the worst lovers! Does German man have gay tendencies?
I don’t understand my husband!
And I’m not ugly! I turn heads where ever I go and man is always approaching me!
I’m wondering, if my husband is homosexual?
He is very strange!

Are all these men that don’t want to have sex German?

July 15, 2011 at 11:48 am
(329) Cindy says:

I’m married to a German man, he could live without sex I think…he has rejected me sexually numerous times…he would say like I’m not a machine!!! It seems like he has some kind of mind disability yet very intelligent in other areas. I’ve heard that Germans are the worst lovers! Do German men have gay tendencies?
I don’t understand my husband!
And I’m not ugly! I turn heads where ever I go and men are always approaching me!
I’m wondering if my husband is homosexual.
He is very strange!
Are the men who donít want to have sex with their female partners here in this blog German?

July 22, 2011 at 12:38 am
(330) Confused female says:

Hello, I am new to this site, but am glad I found it. I have been married to my husband for almost a year now, and honestly I am not sexually satisfied. When we were just dating, sex was all the time on a regular. When we first got married, the first month to be exact, sex was all the time on a regular….but now things have dramatically changed. We might have sex 3 maybe 4 times a month, which is not enough for me. He is always falling asleep, even while we are having sex and he is performing his oral duties. He says he loves me and that he is attractive to me, but I can’t tell. Since we have been married we have honestly gained weight together. But my body porportions out so things looks good. I have heard him tell stories about all his other sexual activities with other girls, and how often they used to do it and all the places they would do it…….so why is it so hard for you to do all those “things” to/with me and I am your wife. Previously I put on a cute pair of panties for him…he looked at me…..giggled….and asked,”what made you put those on?” WTH…and may I add, no sex that night! There have been times were I have attempted to wake him up out of his sleep by giving him oral….don’t you know he twisted and turned and fought me off until I gave up and left him alone. What man turns down oral…..so confused. True enough he works Mon-Fri from 6am til 6pm…. and Sat. form 6am 12pm…fine with that. But d**n can I get some please.
I am not happy sexually right now and I am fighting off the devil and trying to do the right thing. I need some advice, and a prayer…please help.

July 24, 2011 at 4:22 am
(331) newlywed says:

I am a 43 year old woman married to a man I love and am attracted to physically. Problem is that he is not as attracted to me. Before we got married he once told me that he finds my upper half of my body attractive, just not the lower half, which I suspect fueled a short breakup earlier in our relationship. He tells me he has gotten past it and loves me, we are now married. however I always have to initiate sex and he often doesn’t “get there”.
I found out that the was going on adult friend finder website…to look at videos so that he can “get off”. Imagine how hurt I was to have my mate turn me down or not be able to reach satisfaction, and then seek out strangers for that purpose. He said he didn’t go there to meet anyone, it was just visual. He also said that he wouldn’t go to those sites anymore.
This happened before we got married, and I had hoped I could get past it. We have a great marriage in every way….outside of the bedroom.
I am not overweight 5’6″ 125 lbs. I exercise everyday however after 3 kids my body is not as firm as I would like it.
I used to love sex. I am very outgoing in the bedroom, but I just cant deal with the rejection so I often don’t even want to initiate only to have him just go through the motions.
He says he loves me and enjoys sex, yet he rarely if ever tells me spontaneously that I am beautiful, sexy or anything like that. I am wondering if I really can endure feeling so unwanted by the man I love. I enjoy sex and am by no means inactive in the sack. just the opposite. I am adventurous and eager to please him but it never seems to do the trick. He is happy to please me however even that is becoming difficult because I know its just for me.
Do you think a man can truly get past being with one woman when he is truly attracted to a different “body type”? Also, can a man truly stop going to sexual websites for gratification. and if not does not, does this behavior really ever stop with just visiting the sites?

July 24, 2011 at 4:48 am
(332) newlywed says:

One more thing that makes me so sad is that although I did not have many relationships prior to this (3 boyfriends and my first husband (18 years), those that I did have were passionate….love letters, poems, and fantastic sex. I never for a minute felt like I was not the most amazing person in their eyes. I never felt unwanted. I felt beautiful, confident, desired. If you are asking why I am not with one of them it is because of all the other aspects of a relationship were not there.
This really stands out right now as I have been sifting through some things I had in storage and discovered some letters full of all the things I long to hear from the man I love, but likely never will…..

July 24, 2011 at 8:36 pm
(333) maryann says:

i have been married 47 years and because of diabetes… he cannot get an erection…he walked into the room one day and informed me “i am never coming near you again”.
that was 8 years ago

there is more to sex than just intercourse but he doesnt want to know and has now moved to the spare bedroom…

i am frustrated and have now turned into a very bitter person…i am taking it out on my kids.. and now 2 of them want nothing to do with me…

this is just pure spitefulness nothing else….whats life all about?

July 25, 2011 at 4:49 pm
(334) Chicagogirl says:

I’ve been married for 15 years. We were highschool sweethearts and loved to have sex most of our life together. A pattern developed since the begining where I pursued him and he gave in or didn’t. Some times in the resent past he did not want to have sex. I asked him why and he said he was tired and stressed. I recently lost 30 lbs. and look great (if I do say so myself) I have men hit on me quite a bit. He has been less and less interested. We have had a pattern of three to four times a week. I love sex. I’ll do anything with him. When we do have sex its amazing. In the last month however we only had sex once. I’ve thought all sorts of things like maybe hes cheating, or gay or something else. I just came to the realization that if I dont pursue him he doesnt get turned on. I want to be wanted. I deserve to be pursued and loved in that way. Any suggestions???

July 25, 2011 at 6:45 pm
(335) rain says:

maryanne (333), I feel for you and what a selfish man. For a woman to be devoted to a man for 47 years, have his children, look after him and for him to turn you away is disgusting. I dont think your bitter just frustrated, any woman would be. Your right when you say that there is more to sex than just intercourse
and there is other things your husband can do to please you. It sounds like he is making excuses, lazy as well. As for your children, shame on them, they should be supporting their mother. I hope you find some sort of happiness in the future.

July 27, 2011 at 10:06 am
(336) Heartbroken says:

I’m 21 and my husband is 25, we had our one and only son when I was 18. It’s 12:30am and I just got rejected, and I’m sitting here and crying, cos it’s the worst feeling i have felt emotionally, reading all ur comments made me feel a little better like I’m not the only one. God knows I love him, but this hurts me so much. Before I had my son I was 65kgs, now I’m 82kgs… I am on a diet and trying my eat to loose the weight. I’m just really hurt at the moment. I’m only 21…I shouldn’t be in this situation. When we do have sex, I hue my 100% but he just hops on and off. There’s no foreplay, nothing. It honestly lasts for 4 mins and that’s it.

July 27, 2011 at 10:24 am
(337) Heartbroken says:

I’m 21, my husband who is 25 is sleeping next to me. O have been married for 3yrs, I have a 2yr old sin. I was 65kgs before I had my son and I was 93kgs but I lost 11kgs and now I am 82 still a long way to go. It’s 12:20am and I can’t go to sleep cow of the pain in my heart. I’m always being rejected and when he finally agrees to stop me nagging and crying and begging for it, it honestly lasts for 3-4minutes. There’s no kissing, no foreplay he’s just in and out. He doesn’t care whether or not I’m satisfied. He is a great provider. But that is it. I’m only 21….I love him with all my heart. But he hurts me too much. I have not received a gift of any form for the last one and a half years. Not even a birthday gift. I’m scared that one day I will give into temptation and cheat on him :( I don’t want to. But I’m sittig here and crying and wishin something wud happen. When I talk to him about it he ignores me. I don’t know what to do but at least I don’t feel alone anymore.

July 28, 2011 at 9:33 am
(338) Dan says:

You guys are nuts. If you are enetering a marriage to start having sex you are doing it all for all the wrong reasons.

Marriage is a life long friendship, sex or not. You should have had plenty of sex before you got married.

Also, work 40-50 hour weeks, pay bills, bring home food walk dogs think about the future and finances and see if sex ever comes to mind, maybe then you will find out why your guy dosnt want to get it up any more.
Also, sex becomes boring after a while, it gets even more boring with the same person. Those husbands of yours are with you because they really love and care for you, not because of sex. So if you can not appreciate that then yes, your a fool for marrying.

A good quote, “an intellectual is someone who found something more interesting to do with spare time than have sex”

August 8, 2011 at 9:20 am
(339) nonny419 says:

I have been married 31 years 21 years I don’t think we ever went a day without sex in fact sometimes 2-3 times a day any where .dressing rooms car the park when I was in the hospital I never said know .I have extremely big breast a size h and am a midwife ,I went to have a bust redux and I told the dr Do not make me any smaller than a full dd When I woke up my breast were gone a b cup is to big he sucked out all the tissue and just left the skin hanging my breast and life was gone and so was my husband, He has not even kissed me in 100 years .He won’t let me sleep with him ,i have a 9×12 room with a chair and tv this has been my life for 10 years ,he is the only family I have and he has taken everything away from me ,he sold our home which my business was in and then sold my BMW .Gave Away MY 4 ct diamond ring ,he is gone 80 hours a week and is a Doctor ,I don’t know what patients he sees at 12 at night. I have now been diagnosed with MS. I am so afraid I am going to die in this room alone .I have no clothes and am slowly loosing my ability to walk .He is so addicted to porn so I know he still has a sex drive but I am loosing a reason to wake up anymore .I sit alone all night and day and hear him shut the door each night to his room.I know I don’t look the same I have a huge lump in my stomach but I have no way to get care,Did I loose my life over my breast? I just don;t know what happen to my life. How do I even start to have a sexual life again it’s been 10 years in fact I think Im closing vaginally,I am 51 is this it?l

August 8, 2011 at 8:14 pm
(340) rain says:

nonny419, your doctor husband obviously has alot of money and even though you are his wife he has been buying your sex rather than your love because he liked what he saw. Once you had your breasts reduced he has lost interest. What a shallow, selfish pig! What makes him think he is better than you? You know the old saying money cant buy love, well its true. Im so sorry to hear that you have been diagnosed with MS and he should be there for you at this time in your life. You need to make up your own mind where to go from here as he obviously will not be giving you any support. Unfortunately only you can do this. I know this is easy for anyone to say that is not in your situation, especially without family but stay strong and I wish you the best.

August 21, 2011 at 12:25 pm
(341) Linda says:

I’ve been married to a horrible person for 40 years. And you’ll all wonder why I hung around these years. I ask the same question every day.
The first 10 years of marriage was shakey and I really couldn’t figure out why. Then I got my answer and I became so upset and disappointed. He said that he waasn’t interested in sex with me or anyone else, and that he was faking his enjoyment for the past ten years. Then he told me that he was no longer going to have sex or any kind of intimacy with me or any one else. Sex was boring , no excitement, and to much work for so little . And he has stood by his word to this day. He moved down stairs away from me, I have the up stairs like apartment living. I no longer care about sex and enjoy life out side our home. My husband must be very lonely, he never goes out except for groceries or doctors appointments, doesn’t have a phone or a P.C.. Just stays away from me cooped up down stairs in his own little world.

August 25, 2011 at 7:16 pm
(342) Ms.J says:

Been married to my husband for 5 1/2 years, I am 18 years younger than he is. We got together when I was 18 and he was 36 years old and we have been like rabbits up until begining of this year. I am so bummed about it especially since I am turning 30 in Dec and it is so true; a women’s sex drive does peak at 30. I am 29 years old and it is already acting crazy. So is my marriage doomed, my husband just turned 48 and like I said we were like rabbits up until Feb or March this year. If the rest of this year is like this I am seriously thinking about a divorce, I am too young to start a life of celibacy now. I love sex with my husband, he has some issue he will not tell me about, oh I remember because he now is considering himself this devoted Christian he thinks that means little to no sex. 4 months left of waiting after that I got to serve him with those papers.

August 26, 2011 at 10:29 pm
(343) Mary says:

Dan,
I do work and pay bills and worry about how to take care of our lives and have enough in our retirement to support us in a lovely comfortable way. I thought we were best friends. and “no” I don’t expect that he is always up for sex, as I am not either. I worry that I am hurting him emotionally to ask that he go to a doctor to check his hormones. I don’t like the thought of him taking anything that might be harmful to his health. “But”, he has either checked out of our sexual relationship and is spending that time with someone else or he needs some hormone therapy. I am too much committed to him and in love with him to think anything else. I am the same size as I was when we met and we have been married 25 years. I am complimented enough to know that it is not my body type or support that I give him. I am truly at a loss. I want my husband back. I think he needs to look into what is causing his loss of libido. I am not a sex maniac. More that 1 or 2 times in 2 months is killing my self esteem. I don’t feel loved. I think something is going on outside of our home. Do you think I am being heartless?

September 2, 2011 at 1:53 pm
(344) Chrysostom says:

Sick, sick, sick. See a psychiatrist, because the internet certainly isn’t helping.

September 2, 2011 at 8:58 pm
(345) Chrysostom says:

That makes you a slut, a liar, and an adulteress. At least be honest and get a divorce, because I don’t get the impression that you’re a good Catholic in any case. Marriage is a minor evil; divorce is a much greater evil; infidelity makes divorce look like a virtue.

The problem isn’t with anyone’s sex drive, it’s with social conditioning and bombardment with sex; the media and culture want to make us think a high sex drive is “normal”, and psychiatry aids and abets them.

Do you wonder why so many men have such a low sex drive? The Statistical Law of Participation states that nine people view this site for every one that posts to it. The Pareto principle states that for every ten people that view this site, forty don’t; and further, that for every fifty people (the above numbers combined) who search for this “problem” on the internet, an additional four hundred don’t; so, that is, for every single post here, there are an additional roughly 36,000 people who live with it; that’s a sizable percentage of every person in America – 12,348,000 individuals at the minimum, which is about one in five (again predicted by the Pareto principle) couples, about two in five married couples.

The natural sex drive is what the men being complained about experience: an unnaturally super-high sex drive that we have been conditioned by society to believe is “normal” is the standard that is being held and judged by. The problem is that genetics – that is, the actual instinctual behaviour of human beings – isn’t quickly influenced by popular culture.

September 2, 2011 at 8:59 pm
(346) Chrysostom says:

Not even fallen humanity is evil enough to love sex as it’s portrayed here; it takes the mass media to drop that far down in to Hell. I echo the sentiment above: “it’s not mind-blowing like it was supposed to be”. It’s not even worth the effort (as a male, I wish I remained a virgin just to have some oddity to be proud of), and is not much more pleasurable than sneezing or urinating. The intended outcome, by design, of sex – the reproduction of a life – is likely the greatest moral evil that humanity can engage in (Schopenhauer: On Suffering); that is to say, there is no greater immoral act than bringing forth a new life, which will undoubtedly suffer (as every life is a non-zero sum game; that is to say, every life contains suffering), and to be deprived of suffering is a categorical imperative (Kant, Critique of Pure Reason) good (that’s why people abort mutated foetuses, and not healthy ones), but being deprived of joy is not suffering in itself, and is not a categorical imperative; therefore, it is of paramount importance to eliminate suffering, but it is not of the same importance to advance happiness (Benatar, Better Never to Have Been).

The husbands here are experiencing a normal sex drive, but the wives are judging the sex-drive as inadequate based on warped television, film, and other media presentations of a satyriatic (that is, a male nymphomaniac) sex drive as “normal” or “healthy”, where it is neither (Shalit, 1997). Those men with higher sex drives are the abnormal, not the normal (Case, 2002).

September 2, 2011 at 9:01 pm
(347) Chrysostom says:

Secondly, it is obvious from even a cursory examination that the female sex drive is greater than the male; for the man is generally satisfied before the female, and reaches climax much more quickly, and a woman can often – notwithstanding concepts of “humanity” and “morality” and “reason”, the concept that man is essentially better than animal – be with three, four, five or more men in a single sex act before she is satisfied physically.

Of course, this, as all of the above, is an evolutionary adaptation to promote survival of the fittest, and to obtain genetic advantage for the offspring; the woman is attempted to be impregnated by many men while she conceives and carries the child, while the man attempts to impregnate many women; thus is natural selection.

On the other hand, civilised monogamy (not serial monogamy, but proper, life-long monogamy) is designed to gain social, familial, and economic benefits both for the parents and the children, by introducing them in to a stable environment, which is important for animals that have a high k ratio (few young with a high survival rate that take a long time to mature, versus many young with a low survival rate that mature quickly), and even more important in civilisation and society, built on social structures which are built on the stable family. This increases the quality of the social and economic environment of the child, while being slightly less optimal, in theory, all other things being equal, as a necessary and sufficient condition for the chance of getting the best genetics (although in most civilisations, those who have sex with the most partners are often those of the worst genetic material, i.e. sluts, courtesans, prostitutes, hierogamists, etc.).

September 2, 2011 at 9:01 pm
(348) Chrysostom says:

Thus, it is demonstrated that adultery is the worst possible social evil that can be committed, both against non-theistic secular society, against religious life, and against the very foundation of the propagation of civilised structures of living, as it strikes at the very foundation of sociological stability, and makes it more likely for those reproduced to be the same, or to enter in to a state of anomie (mental illness, drug use, promiscuity, law-breaking, divorce) in their own time, propagating the memetic virus: thus adultery is shown to be more heinous even than murder.

Fornication is also a great social evil, but it does not strike the heart of civilised society in quite the same way, but, if it becomes widespread, causes a surge in illegitimacy and an unstable environment for the raising of children, and a general decay in the social mores of that society, modern America, Sweden, Britain, and Japan being good current examples.

Quod erat demonstradum.

Postscript. I apologise that those quotes of the people I were replying to were to properly parsed, and, as a result, the formatting of several of my posts was incorrect, that is to say, fully italicised.

September 2, 2011 at 9:05 pm
(349) Chrysostom says:

Now, for Christ Almighty’s sake, now that I’m done with that tirade, marriage isn’t about sex. It’s a case in point, and point in case, reflection on the degradation of sex and interpersonal ethics in whatever society this site represents, that marriage, and sex itself, has been so cheapened (although, I’m personally of the opinion it can’t get much cheaper than it is naturally, not many share my views).

I should become a priest, or a monk.

September 2, 2011 at 9:12 pm
(350) OMG says:

Chrysostom, nothing to do with religion!!! At the end of the day we are all human with needs and sex is one of those needs within a marriage. By the way Im not one bit religious!!!! The way you are rambling on I think its you who needs a psychiatrist.

September 3, 2011 at 4:53 pm
(351) Rob says:

“Itís not even worth the effort … and is not much more pleasurable than sneezing or urinating.”

You’re doing it wrong (Rob, 2011).

Yes, our culture is hypersexualized, but that doesn’t change the objective fact that there are physical and relational (and recreational!) benefits to sex when done right.

September 3, 2011 at 9:44 pm
(352) Lame Bill says:

I’m not seeing enough here about the effects of physical disability on the sex drive. As a disabled person, I find myself completely lacking the urge to engage in sex, regardless of how much my wife desires it, simply because by the time I’ve dealt with my basic health needs, I don’t have the energy left over to have the interest in sex. I wish I did, because my wife deserves to have the sex life we had when we married, but it’s just not happening.

September 7, 2011 at 5:10 pm
(353) ttdb says:

ive been with my hubby for 19 years+ and he always had a low sex drive and i accepted this, he was like that when i met him and was still like that when i married him, however over the last 2 years it has got a lot worse.
the main reason for this was that he ws diagnosed with high blood pressure. this has significant repercussions and i wonder how many husbands are experiencing the same without knowing it. it can cause tiredness, increased heart rate, moodiness, headaches, the list goes on.

just though i’d throw an idea out there as a poss reason as there don’t seem to be many answers unfortunatley.

not a cure all answer, we still have issues but think we haven’t got the meds quite right yet and also takes a long time to change a habit.

good luck my girls xx

September 7, 2011 at 5:15 pm
(354) ttdb says:

to lame bill

I’m sorry as i don’t have an answer but just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. you sound like a wonderful man who cares deeply for the happiness of his wife.

i wish you the very best happiness and hope you are able to get to a happy place with your concerns god bless you

September 11, 2011 at 2:42 pm
(355) nee says:

The man in my life has been the only man in my life for over 32 years. We have a child together but our relationship is on and off again. We have been together twice for a year in the last four years. He refuses to have sex with me because he wasn’t with me to see our son grow up. It is my punishment and he said he will never have sex with me again yet he wants to be in a relationship with me and would marry me if I would marry him. What is going on with him?

September 12, 2011 at 4:18 am
(356) Is it over says:

Well my story sounds similar, in several ways, to the ones I have been reading so far. Dec. will mark our second year of being married and we are already in a sexless marriage. I’m a big girl, have been since the day we met. My husband has said on several occasions that my size is not the issue (don’t know if I believe him anymore) Our love life went downhill once I got pregnant, not because I wasn’t interested. We stopped having sex completely by the time I was 3 months pregnant. Okay, I can understand a man being uncomfortable having sex with a pregnant partner but our son is over a year old and we’re down to sex once a month. I’ve tried to talk to him about it on several different occasions and there is always some excuse. I’m only 25 and he’s 29. I’m ALWAYS in the mood, I feel like this is my sexual peak! He’s only my fourth partner and I have to admit he rocks my world (when and if we have sex) and I’m like his two hundredth something or other and I get to hear about all of his sexual conquest while I go without. I hate to say that this alone would merit a divorce but at the same time I feel like he’s not taking my wants and needs into consideration. We used to have sex several times a week, right now I would be happy with just once. I don’t know what to do. I feel unattractive, unworthy and extremely self conscious. I felt like this before when we first started dating and he convinced me that he was attracted to me and I was stupid enough to believe him. I’m at a loss. I’ve been rejected so many times. I guess I could get a toy and suck it up and stay together for my son but I want so much more than that. I want him to hold me again and kiss me the way he used to and hear him tell me I’m beautiful again and actually feel like maybe i am. I’ve expressed all of these feelings to him multiple times but it just not getting through.

I guess its just hopeless.

September 17, 2011 at 4:29 pm
(357) Lali says:

oh god i soo understand u all….my husband and me have been married for 4 months(newly weds) the first month was great…we had sex up to 4 times a day but then it dropped drastically…i tried to talk to him sveral times….the first few times he was like nothing is wrong it just happens ..sometimes u have high sex drive sometimes not…i was like ok it may be…but then it got even worse…he constantly says i love u to me but i dont know im not happy with him due to my sexual frustration with him….i seriouslt dont know what to do….its very frustrating when ur husband does not desire you …

September 18, 2011 at 4:08 pm
(358) Lauren says:

some of these stories are difficult to read, yet also give a sense of relief to know i am not the only one that feels like i do. i can relate to so many of these posts. I am 25 yrs old and my husband is much older. have been married almost 3 yrs. I know that porn is the main cause for our intimacy problems. I knew he viewed it but im just like a lot of other females wanting to think he really would make an effort to watch it less. Its left me feeling depressed and lonely as well as self-conscious about myself. Ive exhausted myself trying to keep his attention but usually with no success.

September 19, 2011 at 2:55 pm
(359) Jan says:

I have been with my man for nine years and we have lived together for 5. I couldn’t wait to move in with him because our life was motels and great sex and I wanted a home so he asked me to marry me and five years later we still aren’t married and I haven’t had sex with him in a year come this October.

We had an intense, passionate sex life for years before we moved in and after about a year, when I lost my job, it started changing and now its been a year and I love him and we are suited to one another, never making demands but he just doesn’t seem that interested in having sex with me.

He is a nice man and I admire many things about him. I think he has ed but caught him once masterbating. He doesn’t look at porn and just pretends that all is well. Under no circumstances will he ever admit he has ed. I treat him no differently. At first I was really angry and thought it was me but I haven’t gained a lot of weight and men still come on to me so the problem must be his.

I don’t mean to come off vain but I am just stating the facts. I am 56 and he is 65 and he spent a lot of time in bars drinking and I only spent 3 years with him in bars and now we don’t go to bars hardly at all. The problem is that sex is very important to me and while I love him I can’t see going without sex for the rest of my life.

I don’t know how often he m but it is very frustrating still being attracted to someone and not being able to have them. I don’t try to instigate sex because I will not be turned down or have him sleep with me out of obligation. I don’t know what to do. We’ve built a nice life together and still have fun sometimes, but I want it the way it used to be.

I can’t believe this man who used to be so incredible now looks at me and is not aroused.

September 22, 2011 at 8:44 am
(360) Aussie girl says:

I am an aussie, am 45 this year and have been married for 22 years. I am tired of feeling undesired. Personally I consider myself a great mother and wife. But when it comes to the bedroom I am making all the moves which is totally unfair. I honestly think my partner is gay. If any of you guys are interested you can contact me. This is how desperate I have become after many years of no sex.

September 22, 2011 at 12:06 pm
(361) confused says:

K, so i have read alot of these, i am not married but have neen in a relationship for 4yrs and have a child withthis man. Our relationship was long distance at first now we have been living together for 3yrs and the sex has slowly diminished. Once i got pregnant we had to stop for health reaons but since i hve had the baby who is now two we never hardly have sex. I can count on two hands the amount of times this last year and have fingers left over. He is 6 yrs younger than me, still under 30 wha gives???

October 5, 2011 at 4:33 am
(362) Ashley says:

I am leaving a comment on this page because I don’t know what else to do. At least if somebody out there hears me, I wont be swallowed alive by myself and die alone in my head. I fell in love with an AMAZING guy when I was 24. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was ready for a rebound. Funny thing is that it turned out to be true love. Of that I have no doubt. But what eludes me is, if I truly love my husband and he truly loves me – why would we not do whatever we can to keep each other happy. I do or so he tells me. he never has any complaints about our love making or what I do for him or whether I do anything for him or not. As somebody said above, we mostly have shoulder tap sex. Which means that there are a couple of minutes of kissing. There is some VERY basic foreplay and then it is wham-bham.

Initially I used to be upset by the lack of attention paid to me as woman and I wanted to fight for every sexual right that I had as a spouse. But then I realized that my choices were either no sex because he never initiates sex apart from refer to a plausible session (dependent on whether he is hungry or tired or sleepy or whether he has additional work) and if it has been two weeks then, there is the shoulder-tapping indicating that he would like to wham-bham – or to never have sex again in my life.

(Continued below)

October 5, 2011 at 4:35 am
(363) ashley says:

I toyed with punishing him by not being physically intimate for a while – but my drive is too high and I love him too much and I feel like a fraud in a pointless marriage if we are not emotionally and physically intimate. I must also mention that he is great in every other way apart from this one. We do have our share of ups and downs but only to the extent of any normal marriage.

There is also NO romance anywhere in our marriage. I guess I have also now lost the will. I just try to seduce him whenever I need physical intimacy now. He may or may not be upto it. I have also communicated my needs and problems with him in EVERY way possible and have also encouraged him to open upto me with any problems he may have with me or any expectations of his I am not meeting etc. NOTHING HELPS.

(continued below)

October 5, 2011 at 4:36 am
(364) Ashley says:

He will always promise to change and then we fall back into our routine. Working days are too hectic for lovemaking (unless he has got any for two-three weeks and is desperate and I never deny him his needs apart from a couple of times in the last four years when I was really angry with him) and weekends are routine (once in a weekend or once in two weeks). I am tired of asking myself questions, making an effort to change things or blaming myself for his lack of drive. He promises every week that he will go to a doctor to get himself checked out so that we can be sure that he has no medical problems but that has never happened either. There is always a reason or a justification.

Somewhere in my mind, I have decided that if I meet the right guy – I will sleep with him – I have also told my husband that if he doesn’t change and make me happy the way I make him happy in bed, then there is every possibility that I will end up looking for a physical mate somewhere else. Because I need to live my life for myself at least a little bit and I will if life gives me that opportunity. Of course I would never tell my husband that I am cheating on him (if ever that happens) and that’s the day I will be happy and he will be happy cos anyway he will get his once in two weeks session and we can stay happily married ever after. I guess he doesn’t believe that I will ever cheat – but oh boy!!

The death of a fairy tale.

October 13, 2011 at 12:06 pm
(365) Paul says:

An Aussie guy’s comment. Got married 17 years ago and my wife was the hottest goddess ever. Then life happened and we had two wonderful kids. I love ‘em all. I still have a huge sex drive but I learnt to keep it in check, didn’t cheat but could easily wank myself senseless three times a day. But hear this – I don’t have sex with my wife more than three times a year!!! Why??? I know it means a lot to her and I love her. I soooo want to have sex with her (and yes, she’s gained lots of weight but that doesn’t matter). What really annoys me is how much of a loud, angry, aggressive pain in the arse she is on a daily basis. It’s her anger that makes me not want to touch her. I love women, love sex and love to flirt, but somehow she kills it every time. I guess this means that guys respond to personality more than physicality after all.

October 13, 2011 at 3:19 pm
(366) TJ says:

What to do Im engaged to be married 2012 he is helping with the weddings plans etc which I love but we have not had sex for 7mon I ask him and he says its because of his work,fine but he doesnt work on weekends nor do I.
We have a black lab that gets more attention then I do I dont no weather I should get married I just feel so alone it hurts .
Im so lost and confused!!!

October 14, 2011 at 12:34 am
(367) Rob says:

TJ – you know what to do, you’re just afraid to do it because it’s painful.

Do yourself and ultimately him a favor – you don’t want that life.

October 25, 2011 at 6:21 pm
(368) Anna says:

My husband has been refusing sex and intimacy with me for 30 years. He says I’m a prude, boring, and not at all interesting.
I asked why we married and all he says I ask myself that question every morning. You can just imagine how i’ve felt all these years. We never had kids because he didn’t want any, I wanted kids and he said not by me, find some one else and make sure he supports them. Were in our 60′s now and i totally wasted my life being with him. He is a very lonely person, no friends that I know of not gay (never leaves the house) not into porn (I have a lap top that is with me all the time), he hasn’t a computer. Don’t ever get mixed up with a person like him, if you do get rid of him.

November 10, 2011 at 10:52 pm
(369) dead on the inside says:

As i read these stories that mirror my own i have began to wonder is there hope in a sexless marriage? how long should i just keep suppressing my urges and needs? I have been getting better about not asking for sex since i got me a B.O.B., but every time he rejects me i feel myself die a little more. we have discussed my struggles with our lack of intimacy, and that is all they are to him, my struggles. I have wept and wept over this, I love him so very much, he is such a beautiful person. but i need to FEEL loved and wanted. i need to be held and kissed.

I have noticed that a few men has said that weight is a problem for them and since having our child my body does not look the same. stomach and breasts deflated and arse widened.
i would be, and have been willing to do anything to make sex more appealing.

what do i do to save myself from a sex less marriage?

November 10, 2011 at 10:59 pm
(370) annie says:

ashley 363 and 364 my situation is soo very very close to yours…and my heart weeps for you.

November 18, 2011 at 3:01 am
(371) MiaGurl says:

I dont know what it is. I have been married for 6 years. I married him because I loved him, but I do not recommend that anyone get married for this reason alone. Love is not enough to keep the marriage fiery and passionate. We dont have a lot in common, my husband does not have the sex drive, desire or testosterone I think men should have. Somebody mentioned not remembering what desire feels like anymore and I feel that exact same way. I dont recall what it’s like to be horny because his idea of intimacy is wham bam thank you mam! I tell him how I feel, but nothing ever changes.

November 19, 2011 at 11:10 pm
(372) Frustrated says:

Waoh,
I never thought there would be so many other women in the same position I am at. My husband has never been into sex either. We’ve been married 21 years and now sex is non existent. If I talk about it he is always on the defensive. It is always, I am too tired or stressed out etc. if I do something different I.e. wear something different, I feel he is going to laugh at me cuz he knows why I am doing it and it turns himself off . I lost some weight and try to look sexy etc but that did not make any difference. So I gained wait again for I tell myself what’s the use.

November 21, 2011 at 10:26 pm
(373) Unhappy says:

Hello everyone. I hope that writing this down is going to make it easier, though I very much doubt it. However, it’s refreshing/relieving to hear of people in similar positions. I’m 22 and I’ve been with my boyfriend, who’s 30, officially for 2 years now, unofficially for 3 and a half as we started off as friends, then became close friends etc – you get the picture. Anyway, at first our relationship was great, we were so connected and had sex at least once a day, sometimes more. And it was great, passionate sex too. Not anymore. After 5 months together I fell pregnant. It was a horrible ordeal, but I aborted the baby. Something I will never forget, and that time will always torment me a little – not because I necessarily regret my decision, because I was not and am not in any way ready for motherhood – but because of the depression and loneliness it triggered on top of the guilt. My boyfriend was still supportive throughout this, and our healthy sex life conintued not long afterwards. However, about 10 months into the relationship (5 months after the pregnancy), he completely stopped having sex with me. I say completely, but we’ve actually had sex a whole 5 times in the past year! And I know they were all because of pity or guilt, because they occurred on either a birthday, valentines, anniversary or holiday.

November 27, 2011 at 10:01 am
(374) adult rsvp says:

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November 27, 2011 at 3:26 pm
(375) Baldheaded Fool says:

Let me start out by saying that these discussions are often too partisan Ė blaming the man only. There is always problems with BOTH partners. We must get away from this idea that women are all victims/angels and men are devils in todayís western societies. Unfortunately, men are trained from an early age by western society to be poor communicators and not to be introspective. So there is rarely a clear understanding of why men do the things we do or donít do. Therefore, men take a lot of heat for things they themselves donít even understand why it happened. Secondly, speaking of western society, changing gender roles are a major unspoken factor in sexless relationships these days. Traditionally throughout most of human history men have been the primary hunters and providers for their families. Part of ďhuntingĒ involves the pursuit of women. We enjoy the sporting aspect of the chase. Unfortunately, modern women have changed this dynamic quite a bit. For one, the chase is not much of a chase anymore since women are more readily available for sex than ever. You would think this would a turn on for men but for many its actually a turn off or at the very least unfulfulling sex. We like a challenge. Thus, why starving people in developing countries have more active sex lives than we do. Second, changing gender roles in the workplace, home and the general public have negatively affected menís confidence levels causing them to either withdrawl sexually or be more aggressive sexually in an effort to ďtameĒ the modern woman. Thus the popularity of cheating, watching women get objectified & dominated in porn, and also the bad boy type these days. These days women want their cake and eat it too. They want a man thatís wild in bed but domesticated in every other area of life. But life doesnít work that way. You canít expect a lion thatís been caged up in a zoo to have the same prowess that one in the jungle has. The caged up one may live longer but he is far less happy.

November 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm
(376) Sheeb says:

Hi, me married for almost 16 years and I am 40 now with two kids… It’s been 12 years since I had sex with my partner, felt very bad when I think about it, but after reading the above comments I feel really good that I am not the only one, but in my case I think my husband is fat and very lazy to have sex but he please himself by looking at sex videos etc etc, guess he is not going behind girls and I still believe he don’t go for other girls but still I am not very sure… It makes me sad that he is not interested in me any more and he just get his life satisfied by looking at porn vedios and he never think about his wife, we don’t talk about sex, we don’t hold hands, but we sleep in ten same bed, I got to sleep around 1am and by the time he comes to sleep I am fast asleep, because he come to sleep around 4am after he masturbate watching porn vedios and when I wake up to go to work he is asleep and he don’t work so he can wake up late, he just try to find fault on me and some how he will fight with me ones at least a week and will blame me for unnecessary stuff and really I have no idea why I still live with him, no love, no sex, no satisfaction , I work and earn for my expenses still not sure why are we still together, fir the sake of ifs? May be yes.. What else can I do, I feel I am relaxed after I wrote my comments/ story here…

Hamm I tried watching porn movies, I tried chatting with stragers on yahoo chat, but not sure why but I always ended guilt and came out of it… Ha ha ,e and my sentiments ….

December 7, 2011 at 10:23 am
(377) lynn raineri says:

I have been married for 35 years-I am 53. He is 56. The sex was never great to start with. Now, after raising 3 kids and currently raising a Grandchild since birth ( she is 10 now) I feel we are only together for the sake of raising grandchild. He never wants sex, he is extremely lazy, spends his time at home blogging on political sites or watching net-flex movies or dumb tv shows. We have zero to – zero in common. I could be in my room crying (for whatever reason) for 2 hours and he does not even notice I am not around!!!!!He has been verbally abusive but that pretty much stopped 10 years ago. Bottom line, I for some reason have become highly sexual in the past few years.He says he wants it but never initiates it. He has ED, but hates the meds, they give him side effects.
I am in good shape for my age 5’3 125lbs. All say I look 40ish. I put a profile on a site and get many replies but am afraid to cheat. He told me if I ever cheated he would send my precious Granddaughter to her alcoholic Mom.
I feel trapped and depressed and am sick of sacrificing. Just do not know what to do!

December 12, 2011 at 10:30 pm
(378) lonely and sad says:

I am so confused about what to do. I do love him (or atleast the man I married) and I do not want to divorce him because I believe him when he says he wants things to be better and he still loves me. Affairs are wrong, I know, but sometimes I feel like if I were just getting the physical release of stress and the intimate connection I desire I could be such a better wife to him and then most of our problems would subside. Is this wrong?
I tell him how important sex is and try to initiate but after being shot down so many times I would have to be pathetic and with no self esteem to keep going back.
Also, I recently purchased a toy I’ve started enjoying myself:) But he will just walk in on me and when I ask for some privacy or try to sneak out of bed to go to another room he acts annoyed that I am making noise to get up or he’ll roll his eyes when he realizes what I am doing.

December 15, 2011 at 5:31 pm
(379) isitme? says:

myhusband hasnt been near me since i had our second kid…so 2.5 years ago..and before that, just once to try and get pregnant which i did immediately…i could count on my hands how many times weve done it since being married in 5 years.Considering how i was with exs, where iwas used to at least once a week…im 35 and im still thin after 2 kids…i dont see myself as attractive but never have, its him that doesnt seem to want to know. Now im always angry and feel trapped coz i cant leave him while i have 2 young kids…i couldnt do it to them…i think/feel used so he coud have kids and now hes got them, thats it. It keeps crossing my mind that he is gay…but after reading here just how many men are like this, im not sure…i keep waking up having orgasms in my sleep…i dont know who im dreaming about, just sex as i think its a natural physical need…i work hard and miss playing hard….i feel like a lucky person having 2 beautiful kids, especially with this crisis going on but how i wish i had a husband….

December 17, 2011 at 3:42 pm
(380) Stephanie says:

I think one of the main problems men have with their wives is that they get bored with them – the same body every single night. When me and my husband were first dating, he couldn’t get enough of me. We had sex four or five times a day sometimes. As the relationship grew longer and we eventually got married, our sex life has dwindled. Now we’re lucky if we have sex twice in a month and usually it’s brought about with a simple, “Honey, I want you,” or “Let’s have sex.” Go to the bedroom, I take of my clothes, he takes of his, gets on top and sticks it in. No foreplay whatsoever.

Now I HAVE gained some weight in the past year (we’ve been married for a year and a half – together for 3 years) but he swears he’s still attracted to me and gets ‘hard’ quite easily and instantly. But it seems like he’s really not into me, no matter what he says. He doesn’t really touch me in the same way he used to and doesn’t seem at all excited when he sees me naked and plays with me more like I’m just something to keep his hands active versus something of attraction. I don’t know. I’m overweight but certainly not obese, and usually I keep a shirt on during sex anyway and just pull it down so he can see all the ‘necessary’ parts lol but our sex life has just died in the past six months.

December 17, 2011 at 3:44 pm
(381) Stephanie says:

Btw, my parents have been married for 30 years and have had absolutely NO SEX LIFE whatsoever. They don’t hug, kiss, touch, nothing. They sleep in separate bedrooms and don’t even talk to each other very often. My mom tells me every time they have sex, which has only been twice in the past 15 years. They’re more like roommates than partners. When I was a child I thought this was how marriages were supposed to be and thought it was normal for lack of intimacy between a man and a woman – it wasn’t until I was much older that I realized how bizarre my parents’ marriage truly was. Women, if your husband denies sex with you for an extended period of time, my advice is to get out of the marriage. Try to make it work of course, but eventually you just need to move on. It’s horrible for children to grow up thinking ‘coldness’ is what marriage is all about. Truly horrible.

December 19, 2011 at 4:36 am
(382) dd says:

i have been married 4 years our sex life was ok first couple years after then my father got sick and i had to go and take car of him for 2 months when i come back everything was changed already he was not the same men i left , we start to do maybe 1-2 time a month , last year i got pregnant, after 5 months pregnancy we stop doin sex until baby born and now my baby is 10 months old and we only had 3-4 times after i fight him about this, more than a 1 year and maybe 5 times, nothing helps…. i can not leave him because of my finance and my baby, i have to fix this problem

December 21, 2011 at 4:10 am
(383) sexless says:

I’m glad I came across this – my best mate and I are having the same problem with our men. They are just not interested.

Each time we bring it up its either met with stony silence or being accused of nagging. My man earns less than I do (and is 8 years older) but thats because I went to college and then worked my ass off – and got certifications for my work. I explain this – but he still feels less. He has problems with money and work – but I don’t mind helping out…

I even said if it continues I will get him to move out. Still nothing. Sitting down the other end of the house, still not saying a word.

December 23, 2011 at 3:43 pm
(384) SexDeprivedInNJ says:

Hi,
continued from previous posts 279, 280.
No change in my life. Can anyone share how to connect with sexually deprived ladies in nj? What would you do to find a matching male?

January 4, 2012 at 6:12 pm
(385) deidre says:

When I first met my husband sex was fantastic then it dwindled but I still married him and had an almost sexless marriage for donkey’s years. I am now 67 and after all these years it has come back. He now is interested again. But since he has been older he can’t keep an erection even with the blue pills. So he masturbates on me and when it comes up gets it in for a bit. I am frustrated and have been all my life. I can count on my hands the times with anyone it worked out and I got an orgasm.

January 4, 2012 at 6:14 pm
(386) rowena says:

Living in a sexless marriage I went outside but it was not good.
Found that so much just isnt there. They can’t do it half the time.

January 4, 2012 at 6:21 pm
(387) shanie says:

I was having an affair but it was not very good because we had no where to go as we were both married to partners uninterested. Then he became a widow but instead of wanting it to continue he said he wanted to find another partner as I was not free. I stupidly carried on as I was frustrated as wanted to take advantage of the house to ourselves. We had some fun. But I did not realise that he had got someone else for 4 months without telling me and two timing. The sex was great as he learnt what to do from her. I was devastated to find out when I had fallen for him that he was just using me.
Cant face it with him since. He went with her because I put on weight but I have lost a lot of it now a size l6. But I wont let him again. Although I recall how it was.

January 4, 2012 at 6:27 pm
(388) mannie says:

He says that sex with her is mechanical but it is good whatever that means. That I was loving and more sexy but he still chose her. I was overweight when he met me and he said he liked big women but I got bigger and obviously he was lying because he would not have dumped me for her otherwise. Admitted I had let myself go and that was part of it.

January 4, 2012 at 6:53 pm
(389) honesty says:

Replying to 359 if he is 65 and 9 years older I would say it is because men over 65 tend to lose their potency and can’t keep it up or it just doesn’t work well. Those blue pills can cause side effects and can work. But it is odd as some men of 73 can get it up sometimes without. Especially if they are with someone 9 years younger who is slim and attractive, loves them and will let them do that they want. But think that they get bored – they all do – some are highly sexed, addicted to flirting with women and getting wherever they can.

January 4, 2012 at 6:58 pm
(390) yosof says:

I think he loved you really and will regret it. Looks are not everything – it is the person. If you lost weight I bet he would come running. But don’t let him. Such a shallow person is not deserving.

January 5, 2012 at 1:53 am
(391) Undesired says:

I have been married for seven years now. In the beginning love making was awesome; almost like he couldn’t get enough of me. I am not thin or a model, but I do not get into superficial stuff ( I thought my husband didn’t either considering the looks of his exes).According to my doctor I am healthy and not overweight. Anyway, over the last year the bedroom has become non-existent. He says he desires me, but is too tired or too hot, and I have even gotten I am just not in the mood. He tells me I am beautiful, but through his actions I feel hideous, overweight, and really not worth any sexual effort. I do not understand because I am thinner now than I was in the beginning; so I know it cannot have anything to do with weight. He doesn’t go anywhere say I know he is not cheating (and he is just not that type of person). I have searched endlessly on the internet to find ways to get him interested. I want him to be able to leave his computer games without complaint and meet me in the bedroom like he used to. I am thankful that there are other people out there who share a common disappointment. I don’t care what most people say, I believe that a sexual relationship with your spouse or partner is crucial to a happy marriage.

January 7, 2012 at 10:47 pm
(392) Val says:

Anna #368-I can sympathize on some level because my male friend of a year and I broke up probably over the same thing you had experienced for over 30 years. Am in my 50′s, he just turned 60 and I was hoping for a long term (poss. permanent) relationship. He is a recovering(don’t know about now) alcoholic, divorced, and very much a loner. Thought he was a nice man and was hoping to “finally’ have a mature relationship complete with a loving sex life. Had sex a few times and then it stopped. I felt warm and fuzzy with him and his affection was genuine. But then….it stopped. He would get testy. Turned into an impident(sp) jerk. Told me he used to take viagra. (but not for me). I left the relationship for good-literally walked away. And never looked back. With that, my personal advice is -Get the hell out..none of you will ever change these guys because they don’t want to be changed. If they did, they would. If they cared any way for you and made you a priority in their life, they would. Sometimes things are just cut and dried. Get out or you will be miserable. It’s not YOU. If he has medication or physical challenges, then he knows where to get help. Good luck to you all. Life is too short.

January 15, 2012 at 3:02 am
(393) Helen says:

My husband of 28 years always has had a very low sex drive (not just with me), and it has gone to zero for the past decade. I initially stayed because of co-dependence, and because he otherwise really is a remarkable, attractive, and loveable man who loves me even though he can’t/won’t make love to/with me.

I’ve become more independent over the years, and I recently gave in and had an affair with a very highly-sexed (and unfortunately also fairly happily married) guy, and it was amazing. I want that kind of sex life with my husband, but he never will be able or willing. A divorce is very difficult when lives are so intertwined. I wish I had stopped the relationship a long, long time ago as our sexual incompatibility was obvious right from the start and has caused me immense pain.

My advice to all you young women in a similar situation is to get out before you are too entrenched. A few months quickly turns into a few years and then a few decades. Don’t settle. Leave.

January 16, 2012 at 5:34 pm
(394) annie says:

I see my husband has been on this site, so I thouht I would leave a message.
Married 45 years and only had sex once and that was our wedding night. And from that day till today there has been no intimacy,kissing, loving or sex. I have no idea what went wrong or when. First he cancelled our honey moon, which I spent months setting up. Instead of a honey moon he used the time to move all his things down stairs, and proceded to tell me on monday he was start to work midnights shift at work, and his weekends would be mid week. being newly married I was confused and upset, all he said nothing needs to said don’t bother me and leave me alone. I really was trying to focus on what was going on, it seemed so cruel to me. One of the last things he said if you are not happy go away, or find some one else that you can be satisfied with. We had sex once and thats enough for me. To this day hes stiil down stairs and naturally we live in two different worlds. I’m still confused as to what happened, he just lives like a hermit, no tv, phone, just a lonely person. I’ve hung around for the money! That may be cruel but I figure I should get something out of our marriage. Now I don’t trust any man, and hate to admit it but I have a girl friend who I;m happy with. I don’t think he knows he suppoting both of us.

January 20, 2012 at 1:32 am
(395) stan says:

Let me tell you what worked for us. First great birth control – we use an IUD – no condoms, no pills – natural great sex. Next up my Wife did not feel comfortable being naked in bed so over time we settled in on pretty, respectful lingerie – long gowns, short gowns, teddies – some racy, camisoles and a variety of panties which she generally likes to wear to bed. I find it sensual when she wears accessible clothing so we settled on tap panties which provide modesty yet unrestricted access for marital relations. I set out lingerie for her at night and we wake early to enjoy one another – almost every single morning and we both look forward to it. If your marriage is important to you then making time for one another should be the first thing you do not the last or be put off to another time. We have been married for over twenty years, have kids, work etc. Don’t make excuses like Nike says just do it.

January 21, 2012 at 1:45 am
(396) Saille says:

Whoa! ‘One life to live’ thank you, thank you, thank you. I think you may have saved mine. Here’s me thinking that maybe it has anything to do with me, the fact that my husband of 23 years suddenly 3 years ago decided ‘no more sex’ and has to this day not got the balls to tell me why or even invent a reason.
I’m sick of trying to understand or suggest help. My imagination has tried it’s damndest to turn me into the reason. It’s not hard when you feel alone and frustrated and have absolutely no idea why. Sod it, my life is too precious to be played with by some control freak who is actually more married to his bank of computers than to me.

January 25, 2012 at 5:47 am
(397) Martha says:

I never realized so many people are in the same situation as I am. I have known my husband 14 yrs and we have been married for ten. I would say we have had sex probably 5 or six times. He is 51 and I am 58. He is kind, loving, and a good companion. He has diabetes which contributes to his ED and he does prefer to have sex with himself using porn, but he doesn’t even do that any more. He was sexually assaulted by some other men in his youth, and feels his penis is too small. I have tried everything I could think of to interest him in sex even without intercourse but to no effect. I often wonder if he is gay and just doesn’t realize it. I had a very active sex life in my younger days, so I feel like I can accept this situation gracefully.

January 25, 2012 at 5:47 am
(398) Martha says:

I never realized so many people are in the same situation as I am. I have known my husband 14 yrs and we have been married for ten. I would say we have had sex probably 5 or six times. He is 51 and I am 58. He is kind, loving, and a good companion. He has diabetes which contributes to his ED and he does prefer to have sex with himself using porn, but he doesn’t even do that any more. He was sexually assaulted by some other men in his youth, and feels his penis is too small. I have tried everything I could think of to interest him in sex even without intercourse but to no effect. I often wonder if he is gay and just doesn’t realize it. I had a very active sex life in my younger days, so I feel like I can accept this situation gracefully.

January 30, 2012 at 3:23 pm
(399) Erin says:

Boy am i glad there are others like me. I have been married for about 6 months and known my husband for five years. Our sex life has been dwindled to nil. He got hurt at work severly and injured and his and back so much that it had thrown him into depression and he now on the disabled list. We dont even try anymore. he does suffer from ed but we cant afford the treatment for it. So i dont know what to do..he says the passion is still there and i do love him very much but i cant not have any intimacy in my marriage.. i need help. thanks.

February 1, 2012 at 10:56 am
(400) Blown away says:

Wow! I gotta say like almost everyone on here I am BLOWN AWAY at the number of women that are out there dealing with this! My husband & I have been married for 8 years (together for almost 11). His sex drive has always been almost too much for me to handle yet recently has dropped to nothing at all. We’ve gone from him saying something about sex or asking/planning sex at least once a day to NOTHING! What’s killing me is in the last year all I want is sex! Maybe the old wives tale about hitting your peak in your 30′s has some truth behind it???
I’ve asked him if he’s getting it elsewhere, to which he swears up & down he would never do no matter what the situation. I have to believe him (for now at least). I just can’t figure out what is going on! He’s healthy, young, active, etc as am I. No one is overweight here. Of course after carrying kids in my body it isn’t perfect but he always has said you’d never know I’ve had kids by looking at me. I’m so lonely & feel like something is wrong with me or like there has to be some other BIG issue (health, stress, someone else, etc) going on here because of the sudden change in behavior over the past 6 months.
While I’m sure I won’t get any info or answers here as it has to do with each of our personal relationships & our spouses, I am somewhat comforted that I’m not alone in this.

February 9, 2012 at 11:37 am
(401) Aj says:

At gnc there is a tester one and libido pill and also excersicing fixes these sexual things.. If he or she isn’t excersicing like a favorite sport or weight training and just working it can be the problem also eating the right food! And for real problems u cAn attack it with pomegrate juice or pills and lastly media and food can effect you so change ur mentality And be straight up … Get lingerie and smell nice and look sexy if he’s the type who been affected by media and if he just has a low libido then feed him libido foods … Make him excersice too and drink green tea and pomegrates and etc to get him cleanse and to get him horny .. L algaline before workout is amazing and l glutamine.. Smile more and be creative .. Once u get him u can keep it that way.. Lastly if nothing all works Then just massage him and treat him good and tell him straigh up about all ur needs and and tell him what he can do to solve it . For god sakes if nothing else works put a strap on to him and see if it will fix ur problem since he doesn’t care or cant lol don’t give up ladies theirs many ways u can please urself as long as he can give other things in life the sexual part can be solved thru other means

February 14, 2012 at 6:09 pm
(402) Alan says:

Some thoughts from a guy:

When I was in my 20′s, I was married for 3.5 years to a woman, who, I am ashamed to say, I put in the same position as many of the people on here. I was never interested in sex. When she demanded to know why, I would give the usual excuses (tired, stressed, just not in the mood, etc.). She wanted me to get counseling; I didn’t want to. I wasn’t tired, or stressed, or secretly gay; I simply didn’t want sex, and deep down, I felt that there was nothing wrong with that. But there was something wrong – I should never, never have pursued a relationship in the first place. In the end, we got divorced. I am glad, at least, that we didn’t have kids, but I feel bad enough that I dragged her through my mistake. I chalk it up to having been young and stupid, and out of touch with myself and her.

After that, I did some serious soul-searching. What I came to realize about myself is that I merely went through the motions of seeking a mate and getting married because that is what you are ‘supposed’ to want. In fact, I didn’t want marriage, and contrary to society’s expectations about men, I didn’t care about sex, either. I went on a few dates after the divorce, but that only served to confirm that I had no real desire to pursue a serious relationship.

I have now been celibate for over 10 years. I am an avid long-distance runner, skier, backpacker, scuba diver, and rock climber. Those activities give me what most people get from sex, I suppose.

I really don’t know how widely applicable my own experience is. A lot of my male friends act totally baffled at my lack of interest in dating and sex, so maybe I really am in a rare situation. But I wonder if some of the men mentioned in this blog are having the same issue I have – they are out of touch with their own fundamental lack of sexual instincts. If so, then it stabs at my own sense of guilt – for they are living a lie that necessarily causes a lot of heartache.

February 18, 2012 at 5:08 pm
(403) Sera says:

Hi,
I am 40 year old women, have an amazing husband and 2 childrens….after Amy was born …My husband doesnt like to have sex with me cuse he has reason… it seems his back hurts … but i often see him ejaculated in his pants…Its been 17 years for the marriage..and still going stronger….i take care of my kids , make cooking , ironing , house is neat n clean everything as an loyal wife can do to keep her family happy….The thing is im medium weight i have less portions meal and im very attractive as well….I have seen when i dress up well i always get attention from MEN ……..So if i cheat my husband do you think am i doing any wrong ?..just wana know but dont wana leave my husband n kids as well…….

February 20, 2012 at 1:20 am
(404) Ana says:

#31Did your wife raise two intelligent productive children ? Has she kept her figure and have you put on 50 lbs? After 30 years I have raised a lawyer and a child studying neuro science. I don’t need my husband to be vengeful and a baby like you. He weighs 240lbs and I weigh 105. I have 30 year old men begging me for sex cause I look younger. My husband is so fat he can’t perform well. Pure mush even with Viagra. So, you bitter childish men are only shooting yourself in the d#ck. Either move on with improving your attitude and abilities by losing weight or she will leave and you will only have bitterness as a companion in your golden years. SMH what a loser! Holding a grudge only hurts you.

February 20, 2012 at 8:31 am
(405) N says:

Husband (35) and I (38) have been together for 9 years, married for 6. I’m lucky if I get sex once a month now. At the beginning, it was a couple of times a week (once it was a couple of times a day), then less and less. Luckily, there’s free porn on the Internet, when I can’t take it anymore and have to relieve the tension. I checked his online history and saw that he checked porn sites too. That was before I started going myself. I figured, if he can, why can’t I.
I keep wondering if he has an affair. He has a female friend in his field of work whom he goes out with to see music shows I have no interest in. They sometimes go as a group, so it’s not always them alone. I have started to hate her so much. I suggested we invite her and her husband for supper. He said no, because he didn’t know her husband that well. I asked him once if he was having an affair with her. He said no. I believe him, because he’s not the type to have an affair, yet again, I could be wrong.

February 20, 2012 at 6:24 pm
(406) N says:

(sequel)
He’s always to tired at night. He ends up falling asleep on the sofa in front of the tv. But he has enough energy to go to the gym. We don’t talk anymore. We used to cuddle, now we seldom do anymore. He hasn’t said he loved me in months. Even when we had sexless periods for a while, he used to be cuddly and tell me he loved me. I guess, that’s what I miss the most. I don’t feel loved, and that worse than not be desired.
He’s been having health issues, nothing major, for the last year. He even got snipped so I could stop taking the pill, which was killing my libido. It’s slowly starting to come back, but after taking it for 20 years, it’s taken its toll.

February 20, 2012 at 6:25 pm
(407) N says:

(sequel 2)
I often think about divorce, or contemplate suicide. But part of me wishes to fix things. I have the hardest time talking about my feelings. I feel things, but I can’t put them into words. And talking to him, it’s too difficult. I’d rather not, in case he brings up divorce. I feel ashamed at the thought of being divorced. I know it’s not taboo, but to me, it’s failure.
Had I known that marriage would be this, I would have never proposed. That’s the only bold move I made in our relationship. I’m old fashioned in the sense that I wait for him to make a pass at me.
Thanks for reading me. I really have no friends to talk to. Just my cat. The only way I have someone to talk to is if I talk aloud when I am alone. I’m really depressed.

February 23, 2012 at 3:44 am
(408) Katherine says:

Hi N,
Part 1:
I read what you put and I want you to know you are not alone and although I do not know you please know you are very much loved. Please do not hurt yourself or attempt suicide. Depression is an overwhelming and very serious issue but can be overcome and if you need someone to talk to I am willing to be that person. Just please do not harm yourself – there are so many other avenues available – ones that lead to a life of happiness.

I also want you to know that what you are experiencing is not unusual. Millions of couples are experiencing what you are going through – it nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about.

I encourage you to start a path of open communication with your husband. When you approach him with how you feel make sure you are willing to take responsibility for your feelings, do not blame him so try and avoid over using words like “you” and use “I” and “we” statements plenty. Most importantly try to stay calm and collect – emotions can often cloud up what we want to communicate so do your best to take deep breaths and take your time – dont feel rushed.

You need to start letting your husband know how you feel and let him know you want things to change and you want that change to be done together. Often time when someone hears something has to CHANGE they equate that with effort and work – but work is much more fun with a partner you love so make sure he knows you are in it for the long haul as well.

Try not to inadvertently accuse him of cheating with the tone of your voice or how you say things – it will only make him defensive even if there is nothing to defend but integrity. You may also want to reconsider your stance on attending functions that he goes to with his coworkers. Though you may not like the venue or show, forget about that and just enjoy spending time with your husband because THAT is what really matters.

February 23, 2012 at 3:48 am
(409) Katherine says:

Hi N,
Part 2:
After the show when he asks what you thought, be positive in your response and let him know you enjoyed being with him and are excited to get home with him for the after show. Consider sharing with him your interest in pornography – clearly this is something you both are open to so it could be used as a resource to jump starting your sex lives with one another.

What it all boils down to is you have to start talking to him and sharing your thoughts and feelings. He may retreat at first but that does not mean to give up. You have to find out how he feels, you have to find out if he is willing to join you in the journey to restoring your sex lives. And if he is willing to join you together you need to decide how you will accomplish that. Couples counseling? Setting realistic short and long term goals? Whatever works best for both of you.

Plainly put you have to find out and you have to prepare yourself one way or the other. Prepare yourself for an open discussion with him or prepare yourself for him possibly retreating. Plan ahead on what you will say, how you will say it, and how you will react to either scenario that his actions may dictate. The better prepared you are the better off you will be. You mentioned sharing your feelings is something you struggle with so I strongly encourage you to stand in front of a mirror and literally have the various conversations you may end up having with your husband. I do this before I know I am going to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone. I will say what I need to say and then say what I think the other person may say so I can come up with a response – this has allowed me to not be caught off guard and remain calm and cool no matter what the person says.

February 23, 2012 at 3:51 am
(410) Katherine says:

Hi N,
Part 3:
I see that you also mentioned that you tend to let him make the first move. Wouldn’t you say that is putting an awful lot of pressure on your husband – always having to be the one to initiate physical love? Try not to be afraid of showing intimacy, start off small, perhaps greeting him at the door with a long kiss and working up from there. Men too need to be shown they are desired. While traditionally society has rumored that its the men’s duty to make the moves, reality has quite proved that rumor to be wrong – its both partners responsibility.

So please talk with your husband and remember no matter his response it does not make you any less of a powerful woman deserving of love, respect, kindness, and honesty. No matter what, you have been and always will be a complete person capable of forging through live with a head held high. And most importantly know there is a woman in Washington State who is thinking about you and cares very much about you so please do not do anything to harm yourself. If you want I would be happy to talk with you anytime you like and help you through whatever you need.

With love and respect,

Katherine

February 28, 2012 at 4:52 am
(411) Terica says:

How many friends do i have with such wonderful advice like Ms Katherine there… lovely generous… completely out of their fish bowl. Sharing feelings about wht you want from your husband when the sex has dried up, is a horrible experience, made worse by the fact that more times than not it is a fruitless discussion. I’m not trying to discourage communication, but HE KNOWS they aren’t having sex as they should. He is very well aware of it, and enjoys talking about it as much as we loved hearing about puberty from our parents. Why? I don’t know, but women who I have found in this situation have this much in common… they talk to their spouses about the problem, voice what they want, and get no where. Even the slightest mention seems comes off as judgmental and things don’t just magically get better by following anyone’s step by step system.

My advice? Print out this web page of comments and leave it somewhere where he can find it… might not work, but maybe the long familiar repetition will help.

March 8, 2012 at 1:39 pm
(412) AJ says:

Hi,
Im married for two years now.but i have hardly seen my husband showing interest in sex.i always try to love him ,care him,be with him in my all possible ways .but still never seen the enthusiam as every wife expects frm her husband.i tried to talk to him what is his problem but he denied but pointing at me that i dnt love him,i try to act as i love him.but i really damn love him.how should i let him know i love him & i need the same love from him.we both have an age difference of 7years in between im 25 & he is 32.is the age gap hindering between us? just help me our marriage is in danger.because of lack of connectivity between us i get so frustrated as im young & wants to have love & sex from my husband which i never ever get it.im tired of approaching him in the way of letters ,mails, sexy dresses,food, cuddling him all done but he always responds to them in negative way never im 2years i have seen him reacting positively ,may be for fractions of seconds but it vanishes soon. idnt know what is his problem is he having an affair? i know he dnt have any erectile or physical problems.plz help im tried of this life we both live together in the same house ,same bed but as unknown people.we just hv a bit of kisses & hugs very formally .apart from that nothing.is he angry with me or he dnt like me.please it would be great if you could help me in this.
many Thanks,
AJ

March 15, 2012 at 1:49 pm
(413) Eric says:

Hi,
I am a guy, and basically googled about low sex drive in men. I am suffering from it, and I want to figure out what to do, because I don’t want to hurt my wife. I am just not as interested in sex with her as I was before, and I am trying so hard to understand why. Maybe a lot of the husbands of the women posting here, are going through the same thing as I, so I decided to post and maybe shed some light on what could be happening. I hope my comments wont offend anyone, because I’ll be as honest as I can be. In my case, we have had sex about 6 times in the last 2 years. Once I remember having sex with her 8 times in two days. So what changed? I used to be very sexual with her, and sometimes I would kiss her in public, or grab her butt when nobody was looking. But she would react negatively saying I was embarrasing her, and she would even get mad about it. So, I backed off… When home, I would try to do the same, but again felt rejected; “I’m cooking!” or “Stop it, it tickles…” was her reply. So I backed off again… When I kissed her, it didnt feel passionate on her side like it was in the beginning, so slowly we started losing the spark. Now she complains about us not having sex, but it’s simply because I stopped trying. Maybe I just feel that it’s not fair that things happen only when she wants it, but when I initiate it, it may or may not happen depending on her mood. What’s my point? I am not saying that women should be in the mood all the time, but if your guy initiates something, at least try to react positively. A negative reaction to a kiss, to touching or hugging can kill the mood and make a guy not want to try anymore. I know that I didn’t take that rejection well at all, and now it’s hard to start something or be spontaneous.

March 15, 2012 at 1:50 pm
(414) Eric says:

PART II
Second, when I have sex with her I feel that she is embarrased to be naked, and that is a turn off for me. Any sexual position where I can look at her privates she avoids; she even turns off the lights to do it. Does that make sense when you are married? Not to me… I am not saying that she has to behave like a porn star, but it’s just a fact of life that guys are very visual and we are turned on a lot by what we see and touch. Most women are turned on differently. I would love to see my wife every once in a while walk around in her undies just to tease me. Or “accidentally” forget her towel and run out of the bathroom naked to get it. Or just plain strip for me after we have been drinking wine. Something daring, something sexy and surprising. There are ways to ask for sex which a guy will have a very hard time saying no to. For me, at least, it’s about being visually aroused. I am sure it’s not that different for most guys. Sometimes my wife will just come to me and say “do you want to have sex today?” and that is just plain boring. Well thanks. Again, I hope I did not offend anyone or came out as a total jerk. I just wanted to post a guy’s perspective. Some men could secretly wish that their wives be more “slutty” and could be just embarrassed to say it that way out of fear that their wives think they are perverts or something…

March 17, 2012 at 1:14 am
(415) Broken hearted says:

I’m just so happy to hear/read that I’m not the only wife on the planet with this problem. I’m 34, married for over six years and my husband has never been really interested in sex. I am attractive and was working as a model in the past. He is my FIRST,…I waited to get married and now I feel cheated by life. Divorce is not an option, we have a little 6months old baby we both love.
We had sex once in the past nine months. He is very attractive, sweet, funny and helpful guy but could care less for any intimacy. He has excuses. When we talk about it he shuts down more. If i voice my needs in a sweet way, he shuts down. He asked me to not initiate it because he feels pressured. So I’m left with no initiating from my side and ZERO initiating from his.
I read through many posts and it made me cry – it felt as I was writing them. All these emotions that I don’t know what to do with: Hopeless, clue less, hurt, lonely, empty, angry, ugly… Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but without any it’s just not a marriage. Even Our honeymoon was without sex. I’m so sad!!!!

March 17, 2012 at 11:46 pm
(416) Annie says:

Wow, I like most of you thought I was the only one in a relationship that had no sex or intimacy. We are both in our 50′s and have known each other since Oct 2010 when we met online. He would come down (300) miles and we spent the entire weekend in bed which was awesome. I fell for this man so quick and he said he did me also. So after a few months I decided to move, leaving my friends and a place I have been living for 25yrs to be here with him. We have had sex about 7 times since I moved here Dec 23,2010 and now it has been a year since we have had any at all. I keep asking and just starts an arguement. At first he said it wasn’t the way God wanted it as it was adultry. I respected that but said we were in a committed relationship. I try to kiss him and he pushes me off. I have tried to seduce him with no avail and he just says he doesn’t even think about sex anymore. He has been with younger woman and was having sex with them and me for a bit and now nothing. I cry, am depressed,get angry, we fight, I send him emails about ED and he says he doesn’t know why he feels this way. So now I am in the most darkest place emotionally and my self esteem is in the toilet. He seems like he doesn’t even care and says sex isn’t the most important thing. I feel he enjoys the fact that he is in control of the sex and I think he gets off on not giving it to me. I am miserable and don’t want this to be the rest of my life. The sad thing is I love him more then I loved anyone and he says he feels the same way, but if that were true he would at least try. I think if he did he would get those sexual feelings back again..I am out of answers.

March 23, 2012 at 10:47 am
(417) Sadlyfrustrated says:

I have been married fr 7 months now and everything apart from sex has been wonderful.No girl could ask for a better and loving husband but when it comes to sexual fulfilment, i am just so dissatisfied.. I turn him on very easily, but he wants me to do a hand job or oral, but never the actual sex bit…I love him a lot but feel very lost..

April 1, 2012 at 9:07 pm
(418) Tina says:

My husband has no interest in sex. We’ve been married 4 1/2 years and have a daughter together. When we were dating, the sex was great. We usually did it 3 times a day. Then I ended up pregnant, and then we got married. Then our sex life crashed because my hormones were out of wack. He would complain like crazy if we did it less than twice a week. That was okay with me. I missed a few days of the birth control pill a few months ago and my libido skyrocketed. I was insatiable. He, on the other hand, had no interest what so ever. Then I got my pills straitened out and my libido crashed again. He hasn’t gotten his back and in the past 2 months we have only done it once, and it was a quick wham bam thank you ma’am sort of thing. I’ve tried initiating for the past few days but he’d rather go to sleep at 6pm. He refuses to see a therapist. A couple of years ago he saw a psychiatrist that he had been seeing for a while, and he got a prescription for Viagra, but refused to even get it filled.

April 5, 2012 at 11:26 pm
(419) nothavingenough says:

Has anyone here tried using any web site to connect with someone discretely? I am wondering if craig list is a good place to put an ad.

April 11, 2012 at 11:51 pm
(420) Gloria says:

I have been thinking about craig list for a while. Have not tried yet. I think I will. What the hell?

April 14, 2012 at 8:35 pm
(421) NA says:

I have been married 5 years. Got married when I was 21. My husband is a public figure and I dnt belong to the western world. He was hell bent on marrying an eastern girl who was a virgin. I was too young to understand. For the 1st 5 months we had sex once everyday but I never had an orgasm n he never tried to make me feel good or be aroused. For the last 4.5 years, its only once a month or in 2 months n that too when I initiate! And even then, he turns me down or does it like its a chore. He touches me like he is not interested! The only person who can bring a smile to his face is his best friend who he goes by everyday for lunch. Spends an hour or two in his room, then goes partying with him every weekend or spend the night there, buys him phone, pays his airfare when he wants to travel n if by mistake I say something about his gay buddy, he starts screaming! He treats me good only when we r in public n he has to project an image of being a nice, role model, happily married man!Its all about putting up a show! I have tried everything to get his attention! I can walk around naked in the house, give him a lap dance or wear lacy lingerie but he dsnt even acknowledge my presence! I wish he could just tell me, admit he is gay n let me go. How could someone be devoid of humanity to such an extent! I am mentally and emotionally spent!I have tried every possible way of communicating with him but he shuts me down and walk out!There is nothing wrong if you are gay but it doesn’t give u any right to use someone to serve a purpose for u! Its just inhumane!!!

May 7, 2012 at 2:05 pm
(422) Ann says:

I have been with my husband for 23 years and married for 20. I am 45 and he is 52. Our sex life was always good up until about 8 years ago. We started sleeping seperately due to him snoring and i was always tired due to not being able to sleep. I did ask him to go to the doctors to get some help, but he refused.
Then about 4 years ago he became ill with several different conditions. He takes lots of medication and says he just doesn’t get any sexual feelings any more.
I admit i put on weight over this period of time. Then last year i lost 2 stone, he now says he’s interested, but doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it!
I am really getting frustrated now and was talking to a male friend of many years (we both had crushes on each other at school) that i think i might get myself a friend with benefits. He offered his services. We have been attracted to each other for years, but for one reason or another things have never worked out for us.
I am worried this might ruin our friendship, but i am being worn down by the sexual frustration. Reading some of the comments on here affairs have helped the situations for quite a few women. Am i being nieve?

May 8, 2012 at 1:11 am
(423) Anonymous says:

If I may offer a perspective from the guys point of view? This is a very long post, but I think its important enough to be said, and I do hope some of the women on this page read to the end. From almost your very first day of high school, you are expected to chase girls. If you don’t, people gossip or talk behind your back; sex just seems to be something the male animal is meant to do, like breathing. I figured that on average, most guys had gotten laid or at least had a girlfriend by the time they had finished high school, so I could just ignore it and it would work itself out. For a brief 18 months I had a libido, between the ages of 13 and about 14 and a half; but I didn’t really have the social skills or confidence to go after girls at that age. As the years kept rushing on and it became clear to me that I wasn’t going to get any before high school was up, I basically shrugged my shoulders and figured I would come out of my shell at university.
Notice my thinking- the whole time it was about me. I just wanted to lose it, get it out of the way; notch down the experience; it was never about finding love or making someone happy.
At university things did not start well. I tended to raise my eyebrows at people who went to university and partied, it seemed like such a waste of money. It never occurred to me that I had to be in those social circles if I wanted to get any- notice again my thinking, it was all about appearances- my parents were wondering if I was gay, my friends were openly joking about it; they even had bets on me about when I was going to lose it.

May 8, 2012 at 1:16 am
(424) Anonymous says:

Finally, in the last year, I desperately resorted to cialis. This came hot on the heals of a hormone test that revealed that, although it was within normal range, my testosterone level is roughly that of a 90 year old man’s. I have tried every other therapy under the sun to- “You need to exercise more”, “Watch more porn”, “Develop fantasies”, “Supplement with zinc, or eat foods high in zinc”; you name it, I’ve tried it, nothing worked. But with cialis, for a short while, about 2 months, I was able to enjoy sex normally. But then, the cialis stopped working as well, and it started happening again.
Let me assure you girls, it never gets easier. Every time, it’s completely humiliating. Every. Single. Time. But then, you’re in a situation that you can’t focus on your own humiliation. Too many times I have had those heart breaking conversations, starting with “What’s wrong?” or “Is it me?” or “Am I not pretty enough?” or “Am I not good?”; trust me, I’ve heard it all; and I have to deal with her sense of hurt and rejection and ignore my own pain and feeling of complete inadequacy.
I’m in a place where I NEVER want to have sex again. I have had ENOUGH. I’ve been in situations where I was completely in love with this person but was also completely unable to meet her intimacy needs. It was pathetic. And then came the realisation that I was being selfish; I was making an admission to these poor women that I WAS capable of meeting those needs, when I knew I wasn’t; sex isn’t something you should do to heal yourself, or because everyone’s whispering or gossiping about why you’re not doing it, or because there are rumours circulating that you’re gay; it should be something you should do because it feels right and natural, and sex has never and never will feel right and natural to me.

May 8, 2012 at 1:17 am
(425) Anonymous says:

I am now 30, and have recently ended what will be my last relationship. I intend to be celibate from now on. Apart from being terrified of not performing, I just don’t want to hurt someone else. Apparently, there are other men out there who don’t have a libido, and I have often heard others throw the word asexual around as a descriptive term for us. But ladies, please understand what your men are going through; they haven’t made the same choice I have, you can see that as them being selfish, or their refusal to give up, as I have. They are terrified of being alone; at my age, with my disastrous history of personal relationships, it is becoming clear that I’m going to die alone. Don’t think that that realisation is easy for a second. It’s like the entire world but me is invited to this great party and I’m left out the front with my face pressed up against the glass. I know why it is so hard for your men to admit defeat, they are terrified of the same thing I am. The loneliness is pretty intense. But at my age, I just have to learn to accept myself for who I am, and accept my body and my libido for it’s inherent limitations. In the fullness of time, I have no doubt that most of the women who have come to this page and written their heartbreaking messages will end the relationships that are bringing them such unhappiness. It’s important for you to realise this- your relationships ARE broken, beyond repair, and it’s time for them to end. I can only leave this short message, so that, when all is said and done, you may be able to find it within yourselves to forgive the man that has made you feel so unwanted. We may be neutered or broken, but we are only human.

May 8, 2012 at 1:21 am
(426) Anonymous says:

Sigh. The site ate one of my posts. The text between posts 423 and 424 should read-

Finally, at the age of 20, I became very good friends with a girl, and we ended up in the sack. It was a disaster. I found it very hard to become aroused, and would often go down during sex. To this day, I have never gotten an erection from simply seeing a women, I have to be stimulated manually. The girl was completely confused; she had never heard of any guy of my age who didn’t want it, and her previous partner had been a much older man. That unhappy relationship ended after only 8 months, leaving me devastated. I then went 3 years without. I finally got back on the horse again with another partner, and things were slightly improved, but I suspect that that was only because we fought so much that we frequently had dry spells of many weeks. That relationship also ended after 8 months.
After her, I decided it was something I needed to concentrate on, I focused my energy, I tried to go after girls. But there were so many failures, even if I got the girl, only 50% of the time was I capable even if I got the girl into bed. But I kept trying. Sex is meant to be the most natural thing in the world; we’re just meant to do it. I was sure it wasn’t meant to be the awkward fumbling hit an miss affair that I was experiencing. You very rarely hear people complain that they find breathing awkward and sometimes just cant do it; even if they are “too tired”.

Hope this isn’t too confusing

May 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm
(427) Oh hum says:

Together for over 8 years. Perfect relationship. Living together for 6, had kids 4 years ago. He had one relationship prior to me, that was his only other sexual partner. He was my first. 6 months after we began dating, i was sexually attacked. 2 1/2 years later my family doct was concerned about me being afraid of sex. So we slowly began that, It was great. I got over all my fears. He was perfect. The last 2 years we have sex at most every month. And its only because of my period. Thats a time marker for me. When I get it I bitch to him all week about how I didnt get any so when its done, we have sex. Then I spend the next month trying and trying until I get my period. Then again am disappointed I didnt get any. We have talked he says he’s tired and stressed by financials. In the last 8 years together there has not been a night we hadnt gone to bed cuddling. Our relationship truly is perfect. But where is the sex. He was my one and only sexual partner so I dont look at other men, dont fantasize. I am not at all able to be attracted to other men. Even when Ive tried. Its sad when you cant even cheat in your dreams. I dont know what to do. Our communication is oddly very good. He is attracted to me. I am in shape. I try all night. Sometimes I get no sleep the next day because im awake wanting sex. Massaging him, his shoulders, chest, etc. Or just wishing he would let me go down on him so I get some sort of contact. Which happens quite often. But when it comes to sex its not often enough. If there were a solution. I want to hear it. The media needs to stop portraying men as always thinking of sex. Because my husband doesnt always think of sex. I just dont get it.

May 31, 2012 at 2:23 am
(428) Candice says:

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. I have always been an incredibly sexual partner, and him.. not so much. Before we got back together after a separation, he would tell me that he was horny all the time and never got enough and that he was always thinking about me. We got back together.. and nothing. I ended up sleeping with someone else because I felt so deprived (which I regret with all my heart). But I just feel so… unwanted. I do everything to make sure he is satisfied, including having sex when I am really not in the mood, but it is like he doesn’t even care. I’ve always been very thin and would consider myself attractive. Now I am pregnant with our first child, and I feel disgusting even though Im at a normal weight now instead of being underweight. I JUST WANT MORE SEX! At least express some kind of an interest in me.

June 10, 2012 at 10:00 am
(429) shahreen says:

Its been a relief……knowing that I’m not alone in this
But what is the solution?……….what should we do? Is there any solution to this problem?
Ive been married for 12 years now.I got married really early when I was 19………there were ups and downs……but now I am fed up and divorce is not an option for me.I really love him the way I used to still…I cant imagine my life without him.
when ever he asks for it I never say no and try to enjoy. but whenever I ask for sex most of the time I get rejected and now its on daily basis…..I really love having sex with him
what should I do?

June 14, 2012 at 2:52 am
(430) Tree Service in Temecula says:

Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you penning this write-up and also the rest of the site is also really good.

June 16, 2012 at 7:39 am
(431) Joe says:

I recently separated from my wife after 8 years of marriage. My wife is very sensual and enjoys having sex way more than I do. What turned me off sex was that she was pushing me away without her knowing. This might sound harsh and again this is only in my circumstance, I don’t like to be nagged at, I want a wife not a mother. The saying it takes two to tango hold true. There is no ” it’s her fault”, even though I would really really like to say so and I would still like to say so when she is upset with for for god only knows what. I am a practical person, my wife is all emotions with a touch of crazy ( to make the relationship interesting ). Women know this ‘crazy’ thing that they have to keep bottled up, my wife couldn’t keep hers bottled, like a good wife should and I couldn’t ignore it, like a good husband should and the result was inevitable. I think my wife forgot that I have emotions and I think every women forget men have emotions. We don’t cry ( in the open ) but we do feel. It should be a rule that all men have a garage or shed in the back yard which is their sanctuary. I did not have a shed or garage and I lived in an apartment , so there is no where to ‘run to’ to straighten out the head. At the end of the day, I was selfish in bed for my own reasons, yes I was tired, yes I was not interested and these are genuine feelings. I was not seeing anyone else, I loved her despite.
In my relationship my wife tried really hard to get me to be interested in sex – from this forums the roles seem to turn. Treat her like one of the blokes – but again she is not a bloke, she wants me to be like her girlfriends who can spin a yawn of triviality as if the world depends on it. – I am not a girl.
I think I can go on an on.. if you have a problem and you are together, sort it out!

June 20, 2012 at 12:01 am
(432) Wife says:

It’s been 17 years. I finally faced the fact that nothing was going to change until HE decided to make a change. He’s older than me, he’s heavy and he’s a workaholic. He’s a good man, father and husband. In this area, though, he has very little to give. I went on an antidepressant and it is helping, mainly because it kills my libido. Sad, but true.

July 15, 2012 at 3:56 am
(433) lisa says:

i have been married for 25 years and have had an issue with sex for five or more . My husband is not intrested in me at all. We have gotten help, but it has not helped. He always is going to make things better, but it never happens. I am so unhappy that I stay up most of the night so I don’t have to be in bed with him and feel so alone. I have gained weight but the biggest problem is that I have started pulling out all my hair. I am so depressed and I can’t find anyone that can really understand and help me. He always tells me he loves me but this doesn’t feel like love to me.

July 28, 2012 at 6:43 am
(434) dating single parents says:

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August 4, 2012 at 8:04 pm
(435) Link says:

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August 9, 2012 at 3:29 pm
(436) buy old crappy viagra says:

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August 24, 2012 at 8:22 pm
(437) kevin says:

maybe you silly woman should listen to your man and please the guy..
my wife dont listen..dont here what i say ..yet i have always been up front..she says she dont like her sen..i like her sen but she is death..
.fallen on death ears..
so when she asks for sex once in a blue moon..i decline and would much rather jerk off..

September 6, 2012 at 3:36 pm
(438) sexdeprivedinnj says:

See my comments 279 and 280 above. If anyone wants to connect with me to share the stress and reduce it, please respond to my ad on [deleted].

September 7, 2012 at 12:53 am
(439) Mich says:

Hey sexdeprivedinnj, dont you think you should leave your wife before cheating on her?

September 8, 2012 at 12:50 pm
(440) sexdeprivedinnj says:

Hi Mich, I dont know. Is marrying someone and not having intimacy with him/her not cheating? What is our story and what do you think?

September 13, 2012 at 3:16 am
(441) AllTheWork says:

For starters, I am a 35 y/o man, she is 34. I have been married for 15 years. I love my wife more than any other person on this planet. In our first year of marriage we would have sex sooo much that we would both have problems walking and be sore and even muscle failure at times from our aerobic activities! Sometimes we wouldn’t leave the room for the whole weekend—just ordered food in or went hungry preferring sex with each other over everything else.

I wouldn’t consider my marriage “sexless” nowadays, however the amount of sex we have has dropped significantly from those days. I am sure there are times that she wants it more than I do and times I want it more than her. It flip-flops back and forth. We have sex maybe 1 time per week unless we aren’t busy on the weekend and then we may have it 1 time on Friday, 3 times on Saturday and 2 times on Sunday if it all works out or a combination of any of those.

There have been times occasionally where we won’t have sex for a month.
First let me say that sex in the morning is my favorite; I have all my energy before life, work, and kids drain me of it! So for you ladies who make excuses about mornings, make it a once in a while thing you do for him, he needs it, stop being selfish.

September 13, 2012 at 3:16 am
(442) ALlTheWork says:

In all honesty, I know what the things are that cause me not to be interested in sex at those times when I feel like that.
They are:
-playing video games steals away my desire,
-the fact that she was 5’2″, 120 lbs of awesome sexy woman and now she is still 5’2″, but 175 lbs steals some desire.
-mental drain from working steals my desire
-Secret Porn addiction
So I limited my video game playing and that helped a LOT! I got help for my porn addiction which helped, even though I am always tempted to look again, I just stay away from it. If I am horny and feel like looking at porn, I divert those energies to doing something nice for my wife.

–My wife still looks hot to me, but her gut is the only thing that turns me off about her looks. I don’t tell her this because of several reasons–first, she has back problems which don’t allow her to exercise the same way other people do (BUT SHE GAINED ALL THIS WEIGHT BEFORE HER MEDICAL PROBLEMS–and now its harder to lose weight with medical problems, after the fact). Second, I don’t want to hurt her feelings and since she KNOWS me, she knows darn well that overweight is not something I like. Third, I was overweight so who was I to say anything?

So I did something about it and tried to motivate her to work out with me, but she doesn’t stay consistent and there is no change in her weight. I got back in shape, but since it is not the most important thing, and I still find her sexy, and I love her, and she can’t really work out now anyway–I don’t need to say anything about her weight to her, I just focus on the things about her that I love–which is pretty much everything else.

September 13, 2012 at 3:17 am
(443) AllTheWork says:

To clarify, there is a big difference between “sexy” and “physically attractive.” Sexy is something that embodies the person–I have met women who I thought were ugly, but there was that “something” about them that made them desirable—it was something that they embodied and had nothing to do with her looks.

Want to maintain the mystery? I don’t care HOW comfortable you can be around each other:

-DO NOT use the toilet where you can see each other, it ruins the mystery. (sounds unimportant, but it is true) Keep the bathroom a personal, sacred thing that you do alone–except for that occasional time where you open the door and invite him for some shower sex!

-DO NOT fart, burp, or pick your teeth/nose in front of him! Again, sounds silly, but if you think about it, you sure as hell didn’t do much of that in front of him before you met.

I am no expert, but this is what I always heard my mom telling my sisters and after having a wife that feels free to do these things in front of me, even though they aren’t a bother to me, I realize that if she didn’t do these things in front of me, I would probably find her even sexier than I do now.

Last, I will say this to all you guys out there who have that urge in their system where they feel like they need another woman who is hotter—
I believe in the 80/20 Law of Marriage: This law states that who you are married to is 80% better than what you THINK is out there. You may feel that your wife may not be 100% sexy, hot, etc, but she has 80% of the best qualities that most other women out there can’t offer you. The woman you checked out? 20% is all she has to offer a married man and it is 20% in physical beauty only. If you leave her for the 20% or simply just cheat on her for that 20%, in the end you are missing out on that 80% that was overall better for you.

September 13, 2012 at 3:17 am
(444) AllTheWork says:

(That law may not sound right because it would imply that all those good looking women out there are horrible choices for men—but they are horrible choices if the man is married. This mentality of the 80/20 has served me well in my marriage. If I see a very attractive woman, I remind myself that I have the 80% at home.)

So in a nutshell:
**women–maintain the mystery and try to stay fit within your limits (health issues, etc);

**men–remember the 80/20 law, limit your video game playing, get rid of the porn it doesn’t help you in your desire to be more attracted to your woman, try your best to stop checking out all the women out there: the grass is only greener because nobody is there to mow it–if you want your side to be greener, water it with your effort.

September 22, 2012 at 3:19 pm
(445) Frustrated says:

I have been married for 12 years and always felt my husband wasnt aroused by me (though i am in extremely good shape and treat him like the winderful person he is). I recently found out he has been doing porn from day one. We hardly ever have sex and when we do he never wants to try anything new and i usually initiate. I told him that if he continues it will cause irreparable damage to our marriage but i am just not confident he will stop.

September 29, 2012 at 8:44 pm
(446) GingerMom says:

I met my husband 3 years ago and although in the beginning we went from just being aquiantences to friends to a passionate romance. 6 months after we began our exclusive relationship we moved in together and one money later we found out we were pregnant. We had both been married before and agreed that marriage was not something we were striving for. Our relationship was out of this world amazing and not having enough of a sex life was never an issue… Until we moved in together.
From the first night in our new home together it was like his switch was permanently in the OFF position.
Once our child was born the switch was replaced with a blank wall plate. Although he still says he loves me and how much we belong together, I feel completely rejected. He even refuses sex when I try to initiate. I had a late in life pregnancy and amid various complications during pregnancy, I gained almost 100 lbs before the baby was born, and in the last year have been virtually unable to loose it. He says that he understands why I gained the weight, and while he would like for me to loose enough to be healthy, its not an issue when it comes to NOT having sex. He says he is just too tired or “just not in the mood”.
We have been marries for 3 months and in just that time have had sex twice.
Its heartbreaking and so discouraging.

October 21, 2012 at 2:42 am
(447) DEEPIKA says:

At the age of 28 i got married and my husband age was 33. Two years passed but till now he has not touched me, no sex , no hug but other than sex he loves me a lot. Whta is the reason for him for not involving in sex? Kindly say some suggestion.

October 26, 2012 at 3:29 am
(448) Jae says:

I’ve been married for almost 8 years. I love my husband very much but he doesn’t like discussing anything besides work or sports so it is difficult to get him to interact with me regarding our sex life. We were pretty much always touching, pushing against each other etc etc at the beginning of our relationship. He even commented to me at one point that I was way more into sex than he was. Our trysts were slowly diminishing from every day to now if I am lucky maybe once or twice every 6 months. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even try to entice him anymore because it always ends the same. I am relieved to see that I am not alone but it does suck. I resort to toys to relieve some sexual frustrations but it doesn’t seem to be enough. Sometimes I wish he was cheating so I could be justified into doing the same. Ugghh I just wish he’d talk with me.

November 6, 2012 at 11:51 am
(449) Randy says:

I read Mick’s comment and Chalis reply to his comment and I thought Chalis was wrong for calling Mick Shallow. Unless you know that what has transpired between two people you cannot comment on it. Another thing that gets me, is that female always want to make the man the wrong duer. Come on, 65 lbs in one year !!!! and addition 145 pounds. Why haven’t the wife come to the husband and tell him that I have a problem. Over eating is one thing, but three full helping at a meal, I don’t believe that it is the husband fault at all. Things changes with couples, getting old, gaining weight over time, but over night. This is not what he bargained for when he married her, if it was, he would have married a fat woman from the start. Some men love fat women and others don’t. Some women loves fat men others don’t. A person is not a jerk just because he expects his wfe to look like she did when they got married, she gained weight in such a short time, he didn’t have a chance to show off his beautiful wife. You or anyone else can say what you want about my statement, but I stand by it, and if expecting something better of one’s partner means that I am a jerk or any other name that you want to call me, so be it.

November 6, 2012 at 1:20 pm
(450) husband 1 says:

1. Women, when you marry a man, you are in his life to add to it, to in-rich it not to take away from it. Within the first year, my wife cleared out all of my friends. She kept her friends all of them, even the ones who flirted wth me.

2. Nagging – this is a total turn off to men and it extends to the bedroom. My wife did this constantly.

3. Privacy – don’t follow him into the bathroom, want to talk with him while I am using it or showering as if you are examining him, looking for any suspicious marks on your body. Sex it the shower is great when you are in the mood, but mostly, you want to take a shower alone. My wife did this all the time to me, but wanted her privacy when she showered or using it.

4. Mine – Everything is hers, not ours – My wife talked about the house as it was hers, her car as if it was hers, my paycheck as if was hers, my car as if it was her extra car when needed. (turn off look over at her in bed)

There are so many television female talk shows that literly putting the man down all of time. One so silly as to devote so much time on why men leave the tolit lid up when they finish. Never why can’t the woman raise it after she finish using it. My wife raised habit about this, my comment to her, look before you plop down.

My wife is a great cook and demostrated this before we got married, now it hamburgers, chinese, fried chicken and anything else that is take out. She gained weight and I started hitting the gym and parks to jog.

I am devorced, I am a happy man now, I date but have no plans to re-marry. I am up front with the women that I date and if this is something that they cannot handle, I send them packing. Believe it or not, there are a lot of women out there who are not looking for a husband, but a good man that they can have fun with.

December 2, 2012 at 10:59 am
(451) Brenda says:

My husband left our marriage of 33 years and became involved in a gay relationship,He told me he had been gay since 13 and that he had had gay relationships durninf our marriage. I was broke because I was paying all the bills at our home and couldnt afford a legal seperation. He wouldnt file because he was gay and was scared I would try to take half od his 401K,pension, etc. Now I am dating someone and he is sueing me for a divorce for adultery .We had a verbal agreement that we would be civil for the children and each would go on with our lives but now he is trying to take the house that I have paid for by myself for 7 yrs. What rights do I have?

December 2, 2012 at 5:20 pm
(452) Sheri says:

Since divorce law is so very much determined by where you live, there is no simple answer to your question.

These two sections of the Divorce Support site at About.com may be of help to you.
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/statedivorcelaws/US_And_Canadian_Divorce_Laws.htm
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/yourlegalrights/Arm_Yourself_With_Information_Needed_to_Protect_Your_Legal_Rights.htm

I do hope you take care of yourself both emotionally and physically during this difficult time.

December 22, 2012 at 9:06 am
(453) Jette says:

Yes, I too feel like my marriage is becoming sexless.
We have been together for close to 24 years and married for 20 of them. I came to the marriage w/much more experience than my husband. He had been married before and she was the only woman he had been with before me. He doesn’t like to share much from his first marriage, but I get the idea they didn’t have much sex, but it was because of her disinterest. I have always been the aggressor and the “pleaser” in our sexual relationship. Like others have said before me, more bj’s than anything else, intercourse is usually missionary and takes a little while, he had always said I was too wet or stretched from babies! He had never seemed like he knew what he was doing or comfortable doing it. Definitely does not like to go down on me, only after shower and if he feels like I’m making him do it. He enjoys sex games that are more like two men.
He had a friend/mentor that he has become close w/over the years. He never shares anything about this man, says it’s all work. My husband has started traveling more and more for at least 3-4 night stays…..this man is almost always in attendance!
He keeps his cell phone w/him all the time. I started getting suspicious and he changed some habits.
Help! Am I crazy or is my husband in love w/his friend and has always been gay?
Sorry this is disconnected, trying to do to many things at once and my mind races when I think of him w/someone else.

January 17, 2013 at 8:31 pm
(454) maryvols says:

I am 59 and my husband 60. We’ve been married for 20 years. 15 of them we have had no intimacy at all. There have been health problems on his part and I was glad to help him recover. There are new health problems and these will be with him the rest of his life. They will go into remission and then reoccur. He is hospitalized when this happens.
The sexless marriage has bothered me off and on but for some reason now, I have started considering living on my own. His health is probably what keeps me staying. He will have no one if I go. We have no children together, but my grand children are his life. More than likely, I will just focus on my job, my family and friends and just hang in here. It just doesn’t get any easier. When I look back, I wonder if I’ve wasted these past 15-20 years? If I let myself, I can feel totally defeated. Keeping the faith and focusing on making what I can…..better…guess that’s my answer.

January 19, 2013 at 10:59 am
(455) Lizzy says:

I love your site, it makes great reading. Wow, this thing called marraige, yeah, its Ok for the day – you feel like a princess, a movie star – the honeymoon is amazing, full on sex! BUT NO -ONE tells you beforehand that the bubble usually bursts within weeks! It did for me. My husband has always worked away with jobs, usually overseas. I found I never missed him, and got on with my great jobs. 3 years in we had our first child, and really the good sex ended there. All else – when it has happened has been vnailla sex, and all I can say is thank god for affairs. My approach to the marraige contract is simply “Make sure you get some affiars here and htere” that’s if you want to stay married. I’ve always done so, and will continue to do so. He’s not one to discuss it, am sure he gets his buzz by web porn, so yours truly has a great time with much younger guys.

I have no intention of getting invloved, simply having fun and sex. I advise anyone not to feel guilty in the least. If the sex in your marriage is no good or not happening, there are plenty of dting sites to visit. I did. And will continue to do so. One at a time that is! Have fun, stay safe!

March 6, 2013 at 11:01 pm
(456) Mariah says:

I am 51 and my husband is 54. We haven’t even seen each other naked in over 10 years. The only reason we had an intimate encounter 10 years ago was because I actually did a whole presentation on how important it was to have an intimate life for our psychological and physical well being. I told him after we had those couple of encounters that if he wanted this to continue he would have to make the first move. Well, I guess I got my answer, as it is now 10 years later. The years before that were, of course, without intimacy. That’s why I felt I had to resort to my presentation (which even included videotape from Oprah on how important it is). I think now that I just had unrealistic expectations. He was a virgin at 25 when we married. We did, however, have 3 wonderful children. I feel myself just becoming less tolerant with him, to where I don’t really even want to speak with him about anything. I sleep in the other room, supposedly because I have become a light sleeper, and he seems surprised why I would want to do that. I think he must not see the elephant in the room. Anyhow, best of luck to all.

April 5, 2013 at 3:26 pm
(457) L says:

It makes me feel a lot better to read these other posts! We used to have sex often, mostly everyday…. I started to slow down even before I got pregnant- which was a miracle with such little sex. There were complications to my pregnancy so we were unable to have sex for the entire 10 months! My son is now four months old and ZERO sex! Zero intimacy period! No kissing, touching, nothing!! It makes me both sad and angry! And Im back to my normal weight…. I dont think its me but it could be. I recently have been bringing it up to him and he gives lots of excuses. I dont know how a man or anyone can go so long without! I know he’s not cheating, he’s not that type and he is always home if not at work. I dont want this to end our relationship! Im hoping its just temporary!! Sooo frustrating!!

April 11, 2013 at 5:36 am
(458) j says:

I just want all you ladies out there not to do what I did… I was married just before I turned 18 and had never been with a man other then my husband. So had no knowledge of sex, but from my husband’s talk, he had had several relationships. Lies I found out later, but he called it “usual bragging”. I could write reams about what did not go on in the bedroom, but suffice to say after 11 years of marriage my husband went completely off sex. I was 30, had two children but apparently still very attractive and slim. Every time I brought up the subject he said it was his problem not mine and he would fix it! After 6 years of this, and no touching, no cuddles no intimacy of any sort, no talking about the problem as it made him angry, I told him to sleep in another bedroom. He did quite easily from then on. I did not have to cry when he was next to me any more, or lie awake aching for him to just touch much, hold me etc.

Once the children grew up and after 39 years of marriage and 28 years of a totally sexless marriage I walked out… I only wish I had earlier. To this day I do not know what his problem was or is. He would never discuss it openly. And when I left his words to me were “I never knew sex was so important to you”!! Try explaining to him that I was only 30 years old when he stopped wanting sex, I supposedly was still beautiful, How was I supposed to feel as I felt, unloved, unattractive unwanted. But I was loyal. I know believe I should have left much much earlier as so much of life has been lost.

April 22, 2013 at 1:34 am
(459) CantbelieveImnotalone says:

I could not have found this site at a better time. We’ll be married 10 years this summer and together for 12. The sex was fantastic in the early years even after our 2 kids were born. I decided I wanted to be a surrogate and we talked long hours before WE made the decision to move forward. I carried for 3 couples and had great sex although with each pregnancy it became less and less. To the point of it being 6 months between. We decided we wanted another baby, had infrequent sex but still managed to get pregnant, at 8 wks I had a miscarriage. Its been worse ever since. I think in the last 9 months we’ve had sex twice. He’s been to the doctor, I’ve been to the doctor. I try and talk to him but he just sits there with a blank look. He doesnt know why he doesnt want sex, he just doesnt. We have both struggled with his addiction to porn. It has left me loathing his inability to come clean about his sex drive. It has left my self-image shattered and my self esteem in tatters. I love him but I just feel so alone and unloved by him.

May 25, 2013 at 4:16 pm
(460) jlm says:

I have spent all day reading these posts and feel every emotion from depressed to angry. Mostly it seems like a wate.
Over 20 years i have dealt with this. My husband is a good dad and friend but not a good husband. This was an issue before i gained weight and after i lost it. It was also a problem in our marriage from the start. I remember crying downstairs on the couch at night in the very early months. I didnt realize it but as hard as it would have been to leave, it is so much harder now with two kids….a house…a dog…..
He has been on teststerone a few times but lets the rx lapse. I have been on antidepressants. Neither seems like a solution.
We have done counseling and church groups. We have tried videos and books too. Things get a little better but we usually have sex about 4x a year.if he gets hard it is difficult to maintain. I usually pretend everything is fine to the point even i almost believe it.

May 27, 2013 at 6:26 pm
(461) Lola says:

He was my friend at first, so we decided to date, all of the sudden he moved in with me, he did not help me in paying bills in the house, all he does is to drink all his money,after 3 months of dating I got pregnant, then he decided to marry me, believe me when I say our sex life has never been good, most of the time we have sex when he is drunk, he never muffed me, we never kissed French kiss, I’m am 90kg and he is 60kg and very handsome.he never cuddle, i just feel like killing myself and end this misery.

May 27, 2013 at 8:24 pm
(462) Sheri says:

Lola (461) — I tried sending you an email privately, but it bounced back. As I’ve told others who are thinking of ending their lives, it is very important that you talk to someone immediately and let them know you are feeling this way – someone who can talk to you right now.If you see a psychiatrist or a counselor, he or she is the person to call. A family member or friend is also a good choice. If these options are not available to you, please call a suicide crisis hotline. In the United States, you can call 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255.

Here is a web site that lists other hotline numbers in the U.S. and around the world:

http://hopeline.com/ries.asp

I am so sorry you are hurting right now. It is so difficult for those of us who are reading your post to know how to help you. We can’t see you or talk to you; we can only let you know that you are not alone, and that there are people in your life and available on hotlines who care about you and who can help you to work through this. Please reach out to them.

Sincerely, Sheri

July 21, 2013 at 10:09 pm
(463) mel says:

My husband had a porn addiction. He was supposedly sober before we got married. I’m a bit of a heavier girl, not like 300 pounds or anything, but he knew what I looked like when he married me. He isn’t interested in sex, which I don’t understand because he was so into porn. If he wanted a size two with fake boobs, why didn’t he marry that? I’ve gained like 20lbs since we got married. He used to make fun of me for how little I ate, now he makes fun of how much. I don’t know why I do it, but the rejection hurts so much, I have to keep my mouth occupied as a nervous reflex, whether eating, drinking, or chewing on ice. It’s humiliating putting on a lacy babydoll and leather high heeled boots and get rejected. It’s horrible when I do talk him into it that he lays with his eyes closed and doesn’t enjoy me. The only times he initiates, he’s drunk and then complains he can’t get off because he’s too drunk. It makes me feel so horrible. I tell him every time another guy flirts with me, hoping it will help him see that I am desirable.

I too have thought about killing myself or divorce, but it’s not the answer. I’ve only been married less than a year and I’ve made promises to God. I just don’t understand why if he loves me, he’d suddenly show me so much disrespect as a person, neglect as a wife, and uncaring as a person observing someone hurt by their hand.

July 23, 2013 at 4:39 am
(464) aishu says:

Even i experience the same… i ve been married for an year and me and my husband hardly have sex. before marriage atleast twice a week we used to ve foreplay. and even after marriage for 1 month everything was fine. but after that he started showing very less interest in sex as after 5 months we had sex. when i wake him or i initiate he always shows no interest and asks me to sleep… after that he went abroad for his work even after he returned he showed no interest wen i asked him y he says i dont wear saree, im not interested for a baby, im aggressive, which is NOT!! its been 4 mnths he returned from abroad but we have had sex only once, that too bcoz i forced him…

i really dont know what is the reason for this… otherwise we ve healthy talks, we play and have fun… he is caring and loving.. but when it comes to sex its a no!! it is really lowering my self esteem…. i feel for whom should i dress up well? look good? n all.. when he hardly has any interest in me.. N sometimes i doubt whther he is seeing someone else… :( sometimes i feel im not in a good shape as he likes. i am the same even after marriage… but i always worry that i have small breasts n i wonder if that could be a reason… whooffff….. i am really searching for reasons for this…. i feel like having a baby now, but i am hating to have sex with him… i am mentally preparing to avoid sex with my husband so that i dont get hurt and be in misery for long days and to avoid him giving new reasons to avoid having sex with me….

July 25, 2013 at 2:33 am
(465) Trust is Fragile says:

Porn in any form.

Because a man will have their sexual fantasies fulfilled quickly by watching porn and lose the desire to have sex with his wife, no matter how attractive she is.

Problem is most men watch porn.

I seriously should have become a nun.

September 9, 2013 at 10:55 pm
(466) bob says:

This just pisses me off. I mean my wife has no interest in sex with me. I get it once a week but I want it everyday. I get turned down everyday. She played me like hell to get married she had sex with me all the time but now. I wish I could get ED or something to repay her for all the times she said no. I wish I had a woman that wanted intimacy regular.

September 23, 2013 at 1:39 pm
(467) been there says:

I am so surprised that there are so many marriages like mine. I really thought that I was the only one suffering in silence. Like so many of you, I married a good man with a good heart. We did not have pre-martial sex due to our religious beliefs. There was no sex during first night, attributed that to the tiredness from the whole wedding day. This continued into the honeymoon. That was so out of my imagination and expectations that I asked what is going on. We then tried, but nothing could really happen. He could not even get it hard. I attributed that to inexperience and nervousness.

He had no desire to have sex and could live “sexless” if I allowed it to be. But I was not okay with that. We never had sex during my whole pregnancy. That was really troubling and it raised many flags. This continued well after having a kid. But my anger was masked by my joy for having a baby that the issue was in the back burner.

Now that our child is older, the problem is more apparent. I was so tired of it that I suggested we divorce. That was a wake up call for him. We found that the deeper problem was the porn addiction. He had seen porn magazines while growing up, since the age of 10 or so and it brainwashed his idea of sex and therefore could not to it with anyone “normally”. He tried different things but nothing seem to work. All I could do was wait and wait and wait. I saw no change or even a glimpse of change. That was 3 years ago when I confronted the problem and we’ve married for 9 years. I was faithful in the marriage all these years.

December 5, 2013 at 4:05 am
(468) CDB says:

Hello ,

Very sad to see all these women who are being diminished emotionally by lack of intimacy from their men. As a man ( 48 ) , I too have struggled with being able to give my girlfriend of several years the sex / affection that she needs and deserves. I have been concerned to the point I have started researching and stumbled across this forum.
I cant speak for all men but I do have many male ( and female ) friends and I can only give my two cents for what its worth.
Men are complicated , but mainly simple , Creatures. We need something to make us feel wanted , ” BJs “. Thats it. Ive noticed that after time in past relationships ( and current ) and I’m not alone in feeling this way ( ask any guy ) , the woman , for whatever reason starts to neglect this act and to a guy it makes Him feel ” Unwanted ” now I realize this is being somewhat simplistic , However , I’m just curious about how many of you Gals have stopped this and how this affects your sex life ? It Is What It Is.

February 23, 2014 at 10:01 pm
(469) David says:

Well, porn is better. It shouldn’t be, but it is. It’s not because of the way the women look or the things they do.

Here’s what it is. Women are just as interested in sex as men, if not more so, but they build up this legend/myth that men want it so much more, and that somehow it’s a favour to the man … and then it’s used as leverage. Even when you weren’t really that interested and mostly did it to please your partner, if you’re the man, it was a favour to you. Would you like to owe somebody something when you do other fun things? How about if every time you smiled or laughed with someone, they were doing you a favour, they became one up on you?

Put frankly, this SUCKS. It’s incredibly miserable to have to live like that. And why isn’t it discussed? Simple – women force men into a gender role straight out of the 1950s while they enjoy all the benefits of liberation from their own straightjackets. We’re still in them and if we admit to being less than fanatical about sex, we get humiliated.

Companionship is important to any human being, so almost any guy is willing to put up with some of this at first. But when he realizes it’s the rest of his life …

May 3, 2014 at 10:48 pm
(470) Cynthia says:

My husband of 36 years has never really been interested much in sex. Even when he was younger he performed as if it was a chore. We never talked about it, he was not comfortable with the subject and seemed to have a lot of ‘hang ups’ about sex. The lights had to be off, no talking, giggling, you just did the act and when done rolled over and went to sleep. I put up with it because it was better than nothing, and we did do it on demand, when either one of us wanted it, we were accommodating. But we haven’t had sex for many years now. I know we are older but I am still sexual and not in real bad shape for my age. He is in very good shape, works out, is slim, but not at all interested in sex, affection, cuddling, kissing, making out or even giving me a hug. We have very little to no physical contact. He kisses me when I drop him off at the airport and when I pick him up, that’s it. He said the doctor said he t levels are normal. We don’t talk about it. I WISH he were interested in porn, I WISH he looked at other women with interest. I WISH he would masturbate. I WISH he would tell dirty jokes. Anything would be better than NOTHING. Sometimes I just wish he were gay so at least I would know what was going on with him. I’ve gained some weight but I’m 60 years old, but I’m still soft, clean and cuddly and am willing to do just about anything in bed. So what’s left for me? I might as well kick the bucket now, my life is pretty much done.

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