Is Your Husband Not Interested in Sex?

My husband and I have only been married 6 months. He went into a depression since he is now 150 miles from his son. We thought his son would move too. So intimacy, alone time,sex, has been put on the “back burner”. No honeymoon phrase happenin’ here.

I’m in a NO sex marriage and it’s the fault of both of us. She was trim and in great shape when we first married. She gained 65 pounds in the first year of our marriage, often eating two and three servings at every meal. I totally lost interest in sex with her then, never again initiating. As shallow as it sounds, I find obesity a total turn-off. Since then, she has packed on another 145 pounds with no end in site. I don’t discuss her wight with her; it’s her choice, but I have NO interest in having sex with her ever again. I have been completely loyal otherwise, treating her with respect and providing financially, but that’s it. I’d rather be doomed to this life of celibacy than having to see her in the nude, or worse, have to pretend to be aroused by her.

I think there is some reason she has gained so much weight. It could be medical, emotional. Have you looked at the aspect that maybe you did this to here, maybe u didn’t make here feel sexy, maybe you looked at other women when the two of you were together. Maybe she didn’t feel good enough for you. I think you should talk to her and she why she eats so much. Maybe you can work as a team and help her loose weight. Mick I think you are shallow and I think when you marry someone, you marry them for better or worse and Man, I think you checked out a long time ago. It’s time to make a change and take a look at yourself and see how you can be a better husband and talk to you wife.

My husband testosterone level is low, so im hardly ever satisfied. He says its because he is tired, has no energy or just stressed. He works 3 times a week so he cant be tired unless his computer games are sucking all the energy out of him. Im really bummed, looking for ways i can raise his testostrone level without him knowing because he doesnt want to take or even do anyhting about it.

My husband of 1 year likes to have sex with me. at least I THINK he does. Either way, it’s just the shoulder tap kind of sex. Nothing more spicy than the occasional grunt. When we met, he knew i was a sexual person but now we are just going thru the motions. Very depressing. I’ve taken to not even wanting to have sex, and that’s a total about face to my personality. So now, its a sexless marriage, and I’m thinking divorce because whenever I bring it up (verrry carefully), it’s MY problem, never to be discussed again without another long fight.

I can’t wait to get my hand on this book. I’ve 6 months married to the sweetest and most amazing husband, but who unfortunately is also chronically tired, low energy, etc. Sex maybe 1/month if I ask nicely or buy special lingerie. Even with many open heart to hearts and a promise to make things better, there’s no change. I want to respect him as much as possible, but I’m so sad inside. Thankfully it seems I’m no alone.

we’ve been marriaged 6 months……and I have been wondering what’s going on. We do have sex but maybe once in 2 weeks and there is such a drop in his interest level, I just don’t get it. I don’t know if it is the way I look, or if its because he’s miserable feeling low. we discussed this several times…..he just tells me that he is stressed that it is what it is….he just doesn’t feel it anymore. what on earth is that supposed to mean. everywhere i look…anything I read…I just hear that…this is BAd BAD BAD news…especially for young newly weds. But at least reading this makes me feel like I’m not the only one facing this situation.

Oh man I’m ALSO glad I found this site. I’ve only been married for six months as well. I have another concern besides the fact that my husband doesn’t want sex. When we’d been married only a month I found out he’d been looking at some gay porn. He’d apparently had a problem with it for many years and had been on again off again. He hasn’t looked at it since he realized he could lose his marriage over it, and I’m positive he’s been honest with me. But we’ve never had a crazy active sex life. He said he “couldn’t really feel anything” on our honeymoon, and we chalked it up to bad lube. But he still doesn’t really feel much when we do it, and says it doesn’t blow his mind like he thought it was supposed to. What I’m worried about is that he’s just not attracted to me because I’m a woman! What if he is more attracted to men and since he’s been depriving that curiosity he gets less and less interested? We’ve talked openly and had heart to hearts, he says he wants to see a sex therapist cuz he knows it’s just not right. I think his testosterone levels may be low, because he complains of being too tired or stressed to perform. He seems to have erectile disfunction sometimes because he’ll go soft in the MIDDLE of intercourse. WHAT do I do?

I’m married to a very attractive, charismatic man. When we met there were 4 other women (for loss of a better word) stalking him. He was interested ‘only’ in me. We’ve been together more than 5 years. He is extremely romantic . We have comments from strangers how nice it is that we hold hands. He even kissed me once in Home Depot and had people applaud. I’ve also gained 40lbs and feel very unsexy. (I’ve always been self conscious of my body; but was in great shape when we met) He’s had a health issue in his youth that makes orgasm sometimes painful. He tells me that he’s atracked to me; but we end up falling asleep. I often feel he’s avoiding sex as much as he can without hurting my feelings.
I’m also shutting down. I can’t even remember what desire feels like anymore.

There are different causes for lack of libido in men. Low sex drive could be caused by medication (which could be changed to a medication that doesn’t have this effect), or stress. Or he might be having an affair.
Discuss the problem. Let him know you’re unhappy with the situation.
Perhaps he’d agree to see a sexologist!
Try and find a solution without putting a strain on your marriage.

I’m in the same situation as Mick (#2 above). Women need to realise the values of majority of men and women differ when it comes to a sexual relationship. Most men value an ‘attractive’ partner. This often translates to a ‘normal’ weight range, and the opposite (obese) may be a turn off.
It’s not being shallow needing an attractive body on your partner. Women need romance and affection, men need sexy and attractive.
Many women live in denial of this fact.
You’re not alone Mick. Most men in our situation leave their wives, and if it wasn’t for our kids, I’d be one of them…

So, Angelo & Mick- What about the man losing his shape. I understand men want sexy yada,yada & all that- But, shouldn’t a woman expect the same from the man she married. My husband & I have been married/together for 18 years and both of us have lost our svelte atheletic build. However, I have had 3 boys all c-section. I am trying to do something about it & have lost a total of 40+ lbs from my last pregnancy- If I lose another 30- I will be back to my pre baby weight. I know I am still attractive b/c some of his friends have hit on me. What I don’t understand is why my own husband has very little to do w/ me in the bed. I am open to just about anything (as long as it’s not dangerous or involve another person) I desire him despite his being overweight. All I know is that I am very horny at this time having had no sex for months and feel like I am about to bust. How do sexless marriages cope? I don’t believe in tossing in the towel just b/c there’s no sex. He is a good guy, loving father, provider and I find him very good looking & of course, I LOVE HIM. BUT, I am just saddend by my sexless life. I have talked to him about it and he thinks his manness is inferior to most men. I admit he is not a RON JEREMY or PETER NORTH but, I don’t care. My husband penis size truly has never mattered to me- it’s what he’s been able to do w/it- Although, lately there has been no sex.
Does anyone know out there if many years of excessive pot smoking would hinder male performance? Anyways, it’s good to know I am not the only one out there that is married in a sexless relationship.

To all. Our biggest problem is all the toxins and junk in our food. Not to mention the hormones and chemicals that have an estrogen like affect. They are causing the feminization of men and over feminization of women. And I won’t even go over the GMO’s out there. Have you every wondered why girls are developing so fast and early. The worst part is that the people who are doing this know exactly what they are doing. We are just being bombarded with toxins from the food we eat to the tap water we drink. The info is out their. You should read the natural cures books that we saw advertised on TV. The best thing that we can do is eat foods that are as close to nature as possible. But that will be very expensive.

It is funny how all men can talk about or think about it sex, then when it comes down to do they can’t please their wives

(13)Will-why are girls developing so fast and so early? hormones in our food have nothing to do with it, if that is what you were thinking. human biology says the female body is set to develop (breasts, menstrual cycle, etc.) when the female body hits a certain weight. this weight is based on genes and changes from female to female. for example, lets say that lucy will start to develop when she reaches 100 lbs. well, if lucy eats a lot of fast food and doesn’t exercise, she could reach 100 lbs at the age of 7. If, on the other hand, she is very active and doesnt eat a lot of candy/soda/fast food, thus keeping most of the wight off until she is 14, then she wont start to develop until she is 14. now, lets say that she weighs 200lbs when she is 20 and decides to lose lots of weight. if she were to suddenly drop below the 100lbs mark for her body then she would start to loose things, like her menstrual cycle. why? because her body has predetermined at this weight she is not fit to have children. -anorexic’s have this problem- females develop when there bodies have enough fat for child bearing. children eat more now days, they gain weight faster and this makes them develop sooner. that’s all, evolution. obliviously, none of this has anything to do with the low sex drive of husbands. i apologize for wasting the time of the other readers.

Alanna, thank you for your intelligent comments. I have never heard that explanation. It makes perfect sense and can be proven scientifically. I am curious if you happened upon this blog in error, or like many other readers, benefit from the reassurance of knowing others have similar struggles but feel vulnerable sharing?

I had a c-section with my first baby 4 weeks ago, and both of us wants to have sex, I already made a move many times, and he doesn’t want to have sex, he said he wants to take care of me and wants to wait for the diet (40 days) b/c doesn’t want to hurt me and body, but I can’t wait, I know he masturbates but I can’t. I lied and told him Dr said it was OK to have sex (not hard), but he said NO, I’m scared that he might cheat or something, b/c many woman says that man cheats during these times.

oysters are said to up testosterone levels, just a tid bit for those interested.

I have been married for almost two years. Before we got married, my husband hid behind his religion not to have sex before marriage. However, I fell for the old farce of “if will change once we get married”…it didn’t. My husband and I are both on anti-depressants (him for the umpteenth time, me for the first) and I know that has an effect on libido. But it does NOT make me feel any better because I know that his libido is just as low without the medication. I am also considering divorce, because I find myself resenting my husband even if he does treat me well in many other aspects of our relationship. I am just lonely and hartsore. Thinking of extremes like: I hope he’s cheating so I can leave him and not feel bad.

with response to “Mick” of Aug.18,2008…WHY do you stay married?? I was in a similar situation and have moved on from that marriage as I am a believer that ” I am only here for a one round trip…there are no dress rehersals living life…Be the happiest you can be ALWAYS and don’t just settle!!

I think a lot of the dissatisfaction that many males have with their wives changing physique is that they view phony images of people who are 16-20, who though thin, firm and attractive enough, then have their bodies covered in make-up, the body held in unnatural positions to make their bottom appear to be more or less, often times their breasts are taped up, if they don’t have artificially augmented breasts, to make them appear to be perkier, then lighting and camera angles are professionally adjusted to benefit the image. But that’s not enough, the images are touched up to increase or decrease areas of the bodies and faces, and given special effects of shadowing or glazing all to create a “perfect” female ll designed to sell, creating an expectation in males AND females which ends up cheating them out of the true joy of a meaningful sex life with their spouse. I think a lot of women compare themselves to this artificial standard and can tend to give up on trying to maintain their best realistic body shape, because they feel their man wants that artificial perfection and they can never give it…yet they want to to know he thinks they are the most beautiful woman to him and they know they aren’t, so they often times eat to fill that emotional void…one pleasure substituted for another, yet always accompanied with the pain of knowing you can never live up to those images in your man’s eyes. So, it’s up to the man to tell his wife that he knows those images are phony and that her body is the sexiest body to him when at it’s normal/healthy weight. And there are ways to encourage weight loss without saying “you are disgustingly ugly…go lose weight”…encourage activity together, like walks, and come up with some healthy food and snack ideas, telling her you want to begin caring for both of your heart’s health. And don’t bring addictive garbage foods around!

My husband of almost 5 years right after we were married produced the proverbial blue pill prescription..kept it secret the 3 years we dated. He said he cant do anything then after we were married,,POOF,,no more sex. We are growing farther and farther apart everyday and today being Valentines day I don’t even want to do anything anymore with him. I know Im not alone in this….talking to him about it only makes him mad..have tried numerous times……maybe time to walk away…Id rather be alone than frustrated.

I have been married less than 2 years and start with it was really good,last 6 months due to stress at work and such he completely lost interest.we wer hot and cold,usually my initiative i even gave him some time ..but wer so hurt because all of the fight we had its so hard to cope.i want to have fresh start but i dont know how to get him back,im doing everything i can.helpppppp

I have been married for 7 months – and its pretty crap. I think we argue every few days and then its always my fault. My husband doesn’t want to have sex with which he then says is because I am forcing myself onto him – I am 45 kilos and he is 90! He started going off sex,soon after I moved in with, but the sadest part is he has bragged about his sexual past. Threesomes, one night stands, even prostitutes and escort girls. I am a fool and can no longer take it, he is 41 and I’m 35. I am more depressed than ever – how can someone marry you to treat you like this and still say they love. I married for love, but would tell no one to do this – my heart is broken and I have no where else to go, having left my home, country and job for him. If he was having an affair it would mean he at least still felt something but he just doesn’t, like someone said before _- I don’t know what desire feels like anymore and I think I my love is the same feeling as pain..

Glad to find this little forum. I have only been with my guy for a couple of months but, we are already off to a frustrating start. I really care for him already, he is the perfect guy in so very many ways – but I just don’t know if this is something I can live with. I have a very high sex drive and am just not used to having to be pushy this soon in a relationship. I know sex isn’t everything, but it is important. If he doesn’t see a doctor to help him figure out what is going on (he swears he is very attracted to me) I just don’t know if I’m up to spending my prime years (I’m 39) being frustrated, feeling inadequate, and dealing with that special kind of loneliness these issues cause.

my boyfriend (56 years old) moved in with me and we have a sexless partnership. He claimed i was his gf and he loved me and when he moves in we’re going to be open with each other and tried to get me addcited to the idea of sex.. but when he moved in he said he was going to be my maid and there was going to be ‘no sex.’ This made no sense..we’ve never had a sex life a honeymood period…nothing…im a virgin and he refuses sex with me. Then he makes me beg and do strange things for any kind of affection or sexual things…still does not give me affection or interaction until he has sucked the life out of me with sick odd demands…wearing make up high heels lingerie.. does not sleep with me or in a bed with me or at night…will not allow me to. He’s living at my place paying no rent…and literally has me chasing him for sex wihle he rejects me…im very attractive and he doesn’t want me…that was shocking enough even worse…then he seemed sexually interested in my cats…and I was 98% sure he was molseting or doing something sexual to them…first it was one then the other…ie he’s having an affair with my cats–this isn’t a joke or exaggeration and made numerous remarks @ it and sexual remarks about the cats…I was shocked horrified…didnt believe it was happening…a man rejecting a beautiful woman and sexually into her cats? would tell me to ‘go to bed’ or leave the house ie…to get with the cats? it’s so horrifying I can’t believe it…he gets so turned on by the cats, while in the presence of them…I’m in shock…as if how can this be possible…then rejects me…refuses to even touch me…literally no contact…then makes me suffer for a hug or any physical contact…highly abusive sick weird…insane… ive never heard of this before…this guy had asked me to marry him…I’m thinking marry him…he wont sleep in bed with me…won’t touch me hug or kiss do anything with me and I think eh’s molesting my cats and leaves the house to cheat on me…what kind of horror of a nightmarefest is this…and to a beautiful virgin who’s sexually open and wants anything/everything…who’s young and he’s older… is this guy mentally ill…ive never heard of something so sick in my life…and to witness it occurring right in your life…he’s into everyone except his ‘girlfriend’ and wont touch her …and there was never any kind of sexual period at all…

also to add to the previous comments i left..in lieu of the weight thing.. I am very attractive thin model very hot…and the man still has no sexual interest in me yet, will jerk off to my pictures…so men can be with very attractive women and still be completely uninterested in them and ni this case…interested in animals. Also..I’ve witnessed this man seem to get turned on by men…is most likely bisexual…and into fetishes…heels, porn, etc the difference is he’s not ‘not interested in sex’ he hits on anyone around…and gets off masturbating or cheating…he’s just a sex addict who is depriving his ‘girlfriend’ sadistically and has had and still has a lot of sex in his life… not sure what to make of people like this…

My husband and I have been married a month and a half and have only had sex 4 times…the last being 3 weeks ago. I know he loves (he tells me constantly) but I need physical intimacy, too. I’m afraid to broach the subject for fear of hurting his feelings. Or maybe it’s that I’m afraid that I’ll find out he isn’t physically attracted to me anymore.

Me and my husband have been married for just a short period. (5 months)
And i haven’t gined nor lost any weight. I am a big woman, im 5′9 and weight about 210 pounds, and he is 6′0 and .. about 180 he isn’t skinny, but very inshape, when we got married the first night,was the first time we had sex, and… it was hard for him to get it .. up… I first thought maybe it was me, but.. i am sure now that it was only stress for it being his first time. I understood and thought it would get better, well in one aspect it did he can get it hard but he doesn’t really find it…. fun. i mean its only one position all the time. (him ontop. ) we tried to be ontop but, honestly i don’t know how to “ride” and we tried ” doggie” but i am to short for him to do it that way, so.. help which ways can i make it not feel like a task but make it fun for him? i love him and he loves me, he new the size of me before i got married so im pretty sure thats not it, and i knew it would be his first time (religious beliefs) so… whats wrong?

I sit here reading what other woman have written with intense heartache and sadness…i too am married to a man for three years whom has no interest in sleeping with me. I have climbed my soul inside and out, and died inside a thousand times. It has been seven months. I am 31 years old, and God alone knows, i have grown to hate my body. I know that i am quite attractive, and have always gotten lots of attention, but my experiences over the past three years and the emotions they have created within me, have become stronger than what i know in my mind. Why would a man marry a woman if he cannot love her? He has once in the four years that we have been together bought me something for my birthday, last year. This year, he did not even wish me, and no, he had not forgotten, he simply did not wish me or buy me anything, no explanation, no answer. I have cried my heart out, fought, screamed, and finally i have withdrawn, and with my withdrawal, there is just nothing left.I want to kick myself. This is not something that has developed over time… it has always been like this from the start, but i kept making excuses to myself. The day we got married, the alarm bells were loud and clear in my head, but i went ahead thinking that things would be better after we got married…i have made the biggest mistake of my life, and it is eating me up from inside. There is no-one i can share my shame with. To all those woman out there whom are living with this secret life at home, my heart is with you, and i hope that you find the happiness that i never will.

I am the “male” in the relationship and can tell you the first couple of years were great…then kids arrived and she fell in love with them. The “male” takes second (or much farther down the list…) and there is always some reason why “not” to have sex. The “male” kicks into his “survival” mode and pursues less and less (and she doesn’t seem to mind)….then, one day she must realize that those kids are growing up and all of the sudden “she” is not as important to them….that rocks her world (since they were here world until this point) and she starts wondering why you don’t pursue her anymore…well, I conditioned myself to “get over it” – now, I really can go without….its not worth the effort. I would be lying if I said there wasn’t any resentment…I am sure there is…sometimes I feel like “too bad” Some speak of divorce….only if you want to pay through the nose and hardly ever see your kids. This is our only way of maintaining control (since we couldn’t convince you to pay attention while the kids were growing up…) and now payback is a bitch, ain’t it??? You ladies can call me names and nag at me, but some of you will be honest and admit it is true…you live for those babies to the neglect the “man” in your life…now he’s not that into you.

I stumbled onto your site and I think there is a category being slightly overlooked. The stay home dad. Men who may have lost their job in this economy. Maybe they chose to stay home since it made financial sense because mom makes the real big bucks in careers like MEDICINE or being a BANKRUPTCY Attorney. This can have an impact on how a man sees himself in the long term and children can impact his drive as it does for a woman. Fair is fair.

It also fair to say Man has limited role models of true manhood. Can you define manhood? Few men can! They have no measuring stick of what is a good husband/father. Not making excuses but just to give another viewpoint.

Alabama,
Have you viewed these articles at both this site and at About.com ?

http://marriage.about.com/cs/roles/a/fulltimedads.htm

http://fatherhood.about.com/cs/stayhomedads/a/full_time_dads.htm

http://fatherhood.about.com/od/stayathomedads/Stay_Home_Dads.htm

http://careerplanning.about.com/cs/altoptgenl/a/stay_home_dads.htm

I too have only been married 7 months and the sex isn’t happening that much. I am a large woman and was one when we got married. I don’t think that is the issue. We only do it about every 2 weeks or sometimes less than that. My husband is only 25 and I am 24. If our marriage is like this now what I am I to expect when we get older. I know he loves me but I don’t understand why I can’t turn him on. It also worries me because what are we going to do when we want to have children. I feel like I am not pretty or too fat, but I just don’t think that is the reason because I am the same since we got married. I just really need something to get me through. I want our marriage to last but I don’t know if I can deal with a sexless marriage at my age.

my husband of 15 yrs, had cheating on me with brothers wife after we had been tohether for 10 mths. This happened WHILE I was pregnant with our daughter. I wanted to have sex with him, but HE was ALWAYS 2 tired!! Little did I knew he was getting it elsewhere. I had very emotional breakdown after that episode in our lives. But we pulled thru thinking I was the strongest of us both to help our relationsip heal. It took me long time to want to want to have sex with or make love to this man after almost 2 yrs of unfaithfulness. But he has since kept willi in his pants. We are now going on 12 yrs loaded with satisfiying sex life!!

I’m 10 yrs younger than my husband so what is the problem? We have been married less than a yr and his sex drive has completly stopped. I’m tired of begging for it. I’m in shape and haven’t changed since being married, so why doesn’t he want me? It makes me so sad and depressed and I’m starting to resent him for it. I’m tring to stay faithful, but sometimes I wonder why..he doesn’t care so why do I. I’m tired of using a vibrator to be satisfied!

#31 sounds exactly like my situation. been married 16 years, very infrequent sex for the last 10 years (since daughter was born). What can I do? Lose my kids, leave them and myself in financial ruin? I think about leaving alot, but it wouldn’t make enough sense. Becoming very resentful, drinking too much. It’ll probably wind up in divorce, anyway. But, I’m stuck…

I’ve been married for 8 months to a WONDERFUL man, I am 31 he is 33, he works hard during the week and also sometimes during weekends to make extra money, every aspect is just perfect and we love each other very much. I moved from my country when we got married. The transition hasn’t been easy and as much as I try to be patient and become more independent, its hard for me to understand his lack of interest on sex, he says is nothing more than that: tired. I know he is not gay and he has nobody else. However my self esteem is being affected now and I dont know what to do. I started working part time and try to keep myself busy and give him his space. Is it possible that he loves me but not desires me as a woman?. Any advice? Thank you.

Having read all the previous comments make me feel that I’m not alone in this situation. My husband and I got married about three years and our daughter is now 8 months old. To be honest, our sex life has never been good, before married, after married, before/after pregnancy or even worse now. I remember when we planned to have a kid last year, I asked him that we needed to have sex about 2 or 3 times a week in order to increase the chance of fertility, but he did not want to have sex. I needed to remind him and even beg him to have sex (in order to get pregnancy). So, finally I was pregnancy, and of course there was no sex at all during pregnancy (which I think is acceptable), and now it’s 8 months after giving birth, and we just had sex for a couple of times only. Many people said normally men will take the intiative to ask for sex from his wife after giving birth because they have been waiting for too long, but in my situation, it’s me to ask him for sex, but of course, he is not interested at all. The situation becomes worse since our little one sleeps in our room, and I need to wake up at least once at night to feed her etc, we actually sleep in different rooms. No kiss, no hug, not even say “good night”, every night, I just go back to my room and sleep and take care of my little one. Every other night, I cry and I sometimes need to cry until I feel very tired in order to go to bed. My husband treats me and the little one very good in all other aspects, but just he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I am an average size young woman, and I am even slimmer than before even after giving birth. My husband always says I am beautiful, and have good personality, but why he just doesn’t want it? I am not asking for having sex a few times a week, but maybe at least just once a month? I am a very loyal person and divorce will NEVER be my choice although I really feel very resentful now. I really don’t know what else I should do in this sex-less relationship. I have talked to him openly in a nice and calm way. We have discussed it many times already. I can be a very attractive and affectionate woman, but he now has made me become such a emotion-less person. What should I do?

My boyfriend and I have together almost a year and he can go on for days without sex about 15 or 18 days, I just can’t hold out that long when we do have sex its incredible he is very passionate, but I would really like to have sex more often.I’m in love with him, but it really makes me feel sad and at the sametime I feel alone overall he’s not very affectionate, but before he moved we had sex all the time and it was great. What do I do i’m frustrated.

It helps to read all these comments since I don’t feel alone.

I gained 200 lbs over the course of ten years. My husband still was passionate and tender with kind words of support for my low self esteem. I had weight loss surgery and lost 125 lbs. I have not had sex since before the surgery and twice when we were out of town. We don’t sleep together anymore.
He won’t talk to me about it other than to say he was watching my “health”. I am wondering if he is having an affair but his conduct doesn’t make sense it seems revese if anything.

I am only going to leave it short and sweet. Read Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Setev Harvey. Even though, I’m only a teenager, this book helped me to become someone smart in relationships. I reccomend for all the women and men to read this…. mostly women. =)

My husband and I haven’t had sex in almost 2 years and we’ve only been married for 2 1/2 years-I knew before we got married that he had a low sex drive and was nowhere near as sexual as I would have liked but I figured I could live with it since we were so great together besides that and he really loved me so much and wanted to make me happy. On our honeymoon we had sex all the time and then when we came home it was back to normal-hardly any sex and if there was sex it was always the exact same-in the morning and 10 minutes and done. Nothing exciting or different no matter how much I pleaded, so I gave up trying. Now I cringe and think how unhappy I am and jealous I am of other people’s marriages where they have normal sexual relations and I don’t have that. I’m only 33 and attractive-why should I have to put up with that now? I don’t know but I feel that I am stuck in this situation because we are married-is that crazy? Or just sad? I just don’t know what to do anymore and can’t believe that I am living in a relationship like this………

hey all am romy 26 year female i got married 5 yrs back and was 68 kg perfect for my height 5.6ft but still my husband never got attracted he married me cos am very good person then somehow we had sex for once in a week now i have become 99 kgs he never discuss but now he don’t even touch me .sometime i feel like having sex with a person who is really attracted to me.cos my husband like the girls who r very lean zero size no back and no front but even if i try i cannot be size zero and i don’t like being that.

You all got married too young- Americans get married earlier than any other developed nation. As such, none of you has any idea what you are doing, what you want, or how to look at sex as the natural act that it is. You let the media, religion, even your friends and family invade what should reasonably be your own private space.
Stop reading beauty magazines, turn off the porn, and for God’s sake, get rid of the TV in the bedroom. Trust me- your life will be better.

Hello All, I am married women for a yr & 6 months now. But I have never been sexually satisfied! I realised that my husband has no interest in sex right at the first night of our wedding. But I always thought it will be alright some day or the other. But it never did! I am helpless now.I started marking on calendar that how many times we really had sex and I realised in last year we had 12 times sex and this year the count is BIG ZERO! I have no idea what is he upto? I tried to talk to him abt it but he says he loves me and wants to work this out blah blah blah, but I am bored of even listening to this!I am furstrated in this relationship.Dont know what to do? should I walk away? or try and drag him to a doctor?I tried to do that but he denies that he has a problem.

Hi ,
my name is John and am amazed at all your stories. I think it has something to do with men not knowing/being interested in female sexual ‘wiring’. Most men are even afraid of ‘pussies’…afraid they’re being ’swallowed up’ . I know, ’cause i used to be one of them. Not anymore tho’, I’m 44 now but since the last 6 yrs I really became a huge fan of ‘treating my wife real well down under’…i love it and the rewards are great too…….
Satisfied man.

Thank you. As much as you all are complaining about sexless marriages, I clicked to read this blog out of curiosity wondering if it was possible to have a good sexless marriage. You see, I am now disabled, not even sure if I am physically capable of sexual activity anymore. It would be very nice to have a partner, a companion, someone who doesn’t want sex all the time. So divorce those men who make you miserable, set them free so they can find someone like me. Thank you.

With all due respect to carol (comment no. 48) you don’t need anyone to set anyone free, you can find your own partner to have the sexless marriage that you WANT to have. You see, it is a completely different thing to enter marriage with the agreement that sex wont be part of it, and there is a complete different thing to enter a marriage, with the expectation to enjoy of sexual intimacy, like any normal person would and then realize that you will never be able to enjoy something that you thought was a very important part of marriage.

I just found this thread as I googled the problem my husband and I had been having and came across this website, I never imagined so many women were going through the same pain that I’ve going through for the last 7 months. I am a newlywed too, and like some of you, found out my husband was not interested in sex with me since our wedding night, I thought we were just to tired and did not pay much attention to it. It has been 7 months now, and nothing has changed. The only thing that I know now, is that my husband had a very sexual life prior to me. Is like once I got in the picture his libido went out the window.

As I am reading your posts, I’m thinking it is like I’ve written them myself. He also made excuses for not having sex prior to marriage, because of our religion. (But he did have sex with other girlfriends prior to me). He promised me that when we got married everything was gonna changed and that he will be all over me. Stupid me I believed him.

He is a great man in any other aspects, but this is killing me inside, more than just the lack of sex, I feel ugly, not good enough, unatractive, and humilliated! I’m 5′2 and I weigh 112 pounds, so it has nothing to do with me being overweight. In fact, I’ve never been in better shape in my whole life, since I started dating him, as he was in great shape I started excercising and eating better to suit his life style. To my surprise, the women he had very steamy sex with, were nor pretty, nor in good shape, and by no means were more attractive than I am. Still, I can’t let go the feeling of not being good enough, because whatever they had, that made them so desirable in his eyes. I obviously do not have it.

I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep, wondering why? why did he marry me if he was not sexually attracted to me? Why would someone do that…. I believe that this marriage was the biggest mistake of my life.

I’m 25 and my husband is 40. We have been together for 6 years…married for 5…and I have always been more sexual than him. I’ve always been overweight, thought I’m at the heaviest weight I’ve been right now, but I do know I’m still attractive. When we first started dating we would have sex about once a week…in fact that was pretty static for the first few years, whilst we were living with one of his friends. Then we bought our own place and that number started to diminish. I bought the house outright, so there are no financial worries…nothing much has changed for us except for having more freedom.

We’re now on about once ever 3 weeks, to once a month…and mostly we don’t have sex…he just goes down on me. Now don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the gratification, but I NEEED the sex…I need the shared intimacy…to feel his desire and to indulge his pleasure. It turns me on..makes me feel sexy and fulfilled and without it I feel almost like I’m just in a really great friendship. He also has trouble keeping it up and I think this has been building in magnitude for about 2 years.

We have such a wonderful relationship aside from this but the sexual problems are breaking my heart. For the last 2 years or so, I’ve taken to playing online…masturbating with people..l.and I feel pathetic for having to resort to this but its the closest I can come to physical satisfaction. My husband knows I do this, and he’s fine with it…I guess since it takes the burden off him.

I know without a doubt that he isn’t having an affair and when we first got married he mentioned that he was worried that my sex drive would increase and it would lead to our breakup…….I’m scared to admit that he may have been right. For a while I tried to be less sexual and I feel like I was missing a lot of pleasure during that time in my life. I enjoy sex…sexual play…experimentation…I’m even quite kinky…and he’s extremely vanilla….that is soemthing I’ve always been aware of but since we were having sex…ok sex…it was never an issue…and I just figured things would get better and better through our relationship.

We’re very honest and open when things are brought up…so I feel that I do have a good understanding of what he is experiencing…and it makes me more sad. He feels pressure to satisfy me…to match my desire, and this pressure and anxiety results in a further decrease in desire for me. The more I ask him for sex, satisfaction, or even just his involvement when I play with toys, the more pressure he feels and the more he is aware of the fact that I NEEEED sex and he doesn’t.

We have started seeing a marriage counselor who had a few beneficial things to say. He wants us to focus on non-sexual intimacy…snuggling and such…to encourage trust and physical closeness, that could perhaps lead to something else….but I am absolutely terrified of the fact that the intimacy will not lead to sex…ever…

The therapist and I both feel that I should stop bringing up sex…thereby removing the pressure…but now I feel a certain resentment that in that case I will never get it. I know without a doubt that if I was slimmer and more physically fit, I would be more appealing…but I know that’s not the root cause…even if I can’t help my self esteem taking a huge knock at that.

The more I steel myself away from thinking about sex with him, the less inclined I feel towards the idea of any sexual contact with him whatsoever. It’s all about satisfying me…”Bet it’s time you had an orgasm” he says. What about him being horny for me? What about him wanting to share the sexual experience with me.

Part of me feels the need to berate myself for not being patient enough….giving this enough time to fix itself..now that he is aware of the severity of this issue (it all came to a head about a month ago)…but another part of me is so turned off by it all….so frustrated…that I want to just end it…just walk away from the whole thing.

But in that case, am I being so shallow for cutting down a beautiful relationship for its sexual incompatibility? I love him so much…but sometimes when I imagine having to live like this for the rest of my life…I feel panicked and trapped.
I’ve met someone online…someone who seems more sexually compatible. But then, how do I know? After reading all your comments, I feel so disheartened….are all men like this? What if I leave my husband for this man and find out that after the initial excitement wears off..we are in the same boat….or perhaps he will also become disinterested in me because of my physical imperfections.

I’ve brought up the idea of an open marriage with my husband. Sometimes you just can’t get everything you need from one person…and god that would be perfect…..I could have my wonderful relationship and my sexual satisfaction too…..but then I feel that deep down I know that I would drift away…because of the intimacy thats inherent in that sexuality….I need that with the man I’m in love with…..I NEEED that, or he becomes that man I love…and nothing more. Either way, he is not comfortable with the idea of an open marriage…he feels that one person should be able to give you everything you need…but unfortunately that often doesn’t seem to be true or possible.

He gives me excuses, like the fact that he is tired..or that our schedules aren’t the same….but that is what they are…excuses…and I resent them,….I can’t help it. I know that sex has become a chore for him….if it wasn’t then there would be no need for excuses…it would be pleasant.

God, I know in my heart that this is the beginning of the end. I’ve been spinning my wheels for two years…getting myself off….and now I’ve picked up speed and I think I have to ride it to the end. It’s strange because I always thought that a marriage would end in anger and fighting…but we have a wonderful relationship…just no sex….I can’t even remember the last time we had real sex…good sex….mutual satisfaction. I know I really can’t live like this…and I just hope to god that I can find satisfaction when I leave….I don’t want to find out that I threw away a wonderful relationship with no sex for another wonderful relationship with no sex.

However…is a wonderful relationship without sex anything other than a great friendship? I guess it’s all about finding what one’s priorities are….
This feels like it’s a really long comment but I guess I just had a lot on my mind and my heart……thank you for listening.

I have been married for almost four years. We have a great relationship, but I can probably count the times that we have had sex using less than all my fingers and toes. Like other posters, we waited to have sex until after we were married (his choice).

My husband has a panty hose fetish which I resent. I feel as though he is not attracted to me, but only the pantyhose. He has ED unless I am wearing pantyhose.

He got ocalis (spelling?) from the doctor, and it sort of works. He still doesn’t want to use the medicine though. Wouldn’t you think that if a man got medicine that would make him able to have sex, he would want to take it every night? Well, my husband doesn’t.

Some of these posts made me cry, because I whole heartedly sympathize with the damage to self esteem and depression that is caused by your husband not sexually desiring you. I had normal sexual relationships in the past, as was always thought of as attractive. I am not sure what I did to deserve this. We have a great relationship otherwise, and I try to convince myself that is the most important thing.

I am 20, my boyfriend is 31. We have dated two and a half years. These stories have all hit way to close to home! I moved half way across the country to live with him and start my life here. He has been promiscuous in his younger years and started his sex life at a very young age. He has started his own very successful business and burnt out on it and quit. Had a very serious girlfriend for three years and she left him. He has also had bone cancer in his hip leaving him with lasting pain. I am left with a man in a mid-life crisis with zero sex drive.

I am young and just discovering my own sexuality. If it were up to me I’d have sex at least once a day, but I must put up with his at best once every three week sexual encounter. I am tired of making love to a vibrator and masturbating next to him while he sleeps… just so I can feel close. My mind wanders and fantasizes about other men. I feel guilty. He loves me, I love him. I am just not satisfied.

He is 31 yet has the body and mindset of a 55 year old man. I am 20 yet I am living the sex life of a 55 year old woman. He has the physical pain in his hip which sucks him dry. I have a raging libido I need to repress to stay in this relationship. However this repression is eating me alive.

Wow! Did I need to find this forum today. Sometimes it really helps just to know you’re not alone in the world, feeling and thinking like you do. I’ve been feeling so very lonely about my significant others’ sexual problems, and I just don’t know what to do. Thanks to all that are being honest about their most intimate feelings and actual happenings; it is helping me tremndously…Thank you

I can understand the “Male”s comment that women become more interested in their children and men will turn themselves off after not having sex very often or not at all. But that also happens for the woman. I have a man who has low libido. I use to try and try to initiate but now I have learned to turn it off. It is strange that when I first met him it was 8 hours a day 7days a week of sex and now maybe once a week. But now I am so depressed over not getting the attention that my libido is dropping. If he initiates, I sometimes have difficulty getting into it. I have had to live with the rejection and pain for so long that when he initiates I feel as though he is only doing this for me and that turns me off.

Ok…I am not some bible thumper but it all comes down to facts of life…

How many people buy second hand stuff…?

I am going to guess not very many!

How many people want to fill loved…?

Everyone!

Because a man needs to feel manly they dont quite like the idea of the women he loves being “used”. I realize that most women in america have had more than 1 partner. This has to do with the way we are brought up. I know some people are not going to agree with me! In my example I have had 4 including my HUSband of 10 years. He was my 2nd but inbetween dating i had 2 more for stupid reasons. He had a really hard time because i believe in being truthful! So i had to prove to him that i loved him. The problem in the united states is that everyone has this big huge box around them and no one can come in. Most people need to step out of this and try different things & different positions. My first relationship i was 14 and he was considerably older! It was a horrible relationship And i lamost thought i was a lesbian because i never came in 3 1/2 years and i hated having sex although i knew sex was supposed to be great and you were supposed to enjoy it!. Like one said before- americans start relationships too young! It also didnt help i didnt ever love him / find him attractive! I was thrown like a sheep to a wolf. Some might say i was old enough to make the right decision and not to get thrown to the wolf but it really is a long story and it involved alcohol, passing out & growing up believing you should only have 1 partner or else you are a whore! When i was 17 i finally realized that it was not what i ever wanted and i wasnt going to waste any more time! I went out and met my future husband who was onle 1 year older than me. We fought a lot because he knew i wasnt a virgin! I delt with it because in some aspect he was right and i did want to be a virgin when i married but other circumstances occured and it was not possible. We fought for the first 4 years = to the time i knew the “mistake” after that he calmed down and realized that i loved him and i only ever loved him! Thank GOD i have never really had any of your problems because when my relationship started to go sour i took a stand and because i believe all is fair in love and war…i fought back. Be the aggressor! We have sex at least 1 a week and sometimes we have it every day! If you want it take it…If he has a hard time staying up make him(m.b.)If you are dry-lube, If it is too late and you are both tired…try the next night…if you have kids… make sure they cant be put in danger give them their toys and lock the door-early! When a person really loves someone they try everything, they dont give up no matter how big they are! Like many have said everyone gains weight, no one is perfect, you need to be happy! well guess what you control your happiness and only you can fix it…If you committed to a “marriage” relationship it is because you had to feel something or else why enter into something so permanent? Like they said if they notice the other getting fat stop it before it is too late…Involve the other in activities that you can do together! Talk to them dont sit there and ignore it, by ignoring you accept! I came on this website because a close friend just lost the love of her “life” because she gained a 100 lbs and other stupid reasons! I was trying to help her…but the only true way is for her to LOVE herself and lose weight because if you are not happy with yourself, who will be? by the way i weigh 225 lbs and i have gained 50/+-25 since i got married…weight does affect your sex life because the more weight you gain the less attractive you fill. A man loves a women who is confident in theirselves! The one thing we need to remember is that we need to get healthy for ourselves and our health! what does it matter if we keep gaining weight and die of a heart attack about sex?

I’m glad I found this forum. I’m so sick of hearing about how women are turning their husbands down in droves.

Before I moved in with my now-hubby, we had sex every time we saw each other – about 3 or 4 times a week. As soon as I moved in it dropped to about once a week and after a while I talked to him about it. That was over three years ago and nothing has changed. In fact, it’s worse. Whenever I try to talk about it he gets hurt and thinks I’m ‘blaming him’ but the situation is just getting worse and now I don’t even want it anymore. He says he’s too tired at night, and prefers to do it in the morning. The alarm goes off at 7 and I have to be at work by 8. Sorry, but a 10 min no-effort shag in the morning (when I am LEAST aroused) is worse than nothing. We seem to be completely incompatible sexually and I’m thinking of leaving.

I don’t think its always about a woman’s looks. perhaps that is some men’s experience but I am 5′4, 110 lbs. I am obviously not obese for heavens sake I wear a size 2, and this is after having 3 kids. I used to model. I am 24 so I’m not old yet, granted I don’t look like I did when I was 18 but I know other people would find me attractive. Unfortunately my husband doesn’t seem to think so and it’s very upsetting emotionally and also physically. I try to give him space and wait to see if he comes to me for intimacy, but he doesn’t. Then I try to go to him, but he’s never in the mood. He’s always too tired or too stressed or busy doing something else. The worst part is, a huge part of our marriage was built on sex. We have nothing in common. He is good to me, provides for our family, does “nice” things for me, the occasional flowers and what have you, but if I’m being honest it’s just not enough. When we talk about it then he will end up having sex with me and then I just feel like its out of pity, so it’s not very good for me. Like he thinks he has to do it to save our marriage. He doesn’t understand that I need him to WANT to.

And by the way, if anyone is losing their shape it’s him, big time, but I love him just the same. I just don’t feel like he still loves me. If it’s not mutual I just don’t want to stick around. It’s hard because we have 3 kids together and I do love him, would seem silly to divorce over sex, but it really is so much more then that, to feel like the other person wants to be close to you, pay attention to you, be around you. Intimacy is not just sex. I don’t know what to think anymore but I told him the other day he might not be interested in me but I could easily find someone who would be.

I’m really glad I stumbled onto this site. It helps to know that other people are going through the same thing. I am 25 and have been married for 2 1/2 years. For the past year of our marriage we haven’t had sex. I’m not overweight and am attractive. I don’t think he’s cheating on me but it just doesn’t make sense. I have become so depressed, I’m not the same free spirited person I was before. I think I’m going to leave him. Someone in an earlier post said you only live once so make the most of it. I completely agree. Don’t stay in a marriage that is slowly killing you.

Reading these stories has left a pit in my stomach as I know too well the overwhelming misery that comes with living with a partner who just isnt interested in you. We have been together 5 years now – all other aspects of our relationship work well, we are good friends and very comfortable together, he is loyal and thoughtful. But over the years my self esteem, self worth and self respect have eroded to the point I feel like a revolting, sexless, unattractive, ugly and unworthy blob. I have always had a healthy sex drive and an acitve sex life until I met this man. I am tall, slim, and I suppose attractive, at least I used to feel that way with other men. I know what it feels like to be ‘desired’ and I certainly dont feel that way at all. Since we moved in together I have had every excuse under the sun as to why he wont go there. He says he *wants to* ..BUT…Too tired, not used to the new situation (new house at the time), not used to people in the house (so I get rid of flatmates), not used to children (I have a child from previous relationship), too hairy!!! (so I shave religiously), used to *tighter* (I know, I know), feels depressed, give him space (I did), wants me to initiate it (I did all the time), wear sexier nightwear (so I did), new job is stressful, need a holiday (made no difference), I dont feel like it, I’m sorry I want to ‘but’…. the list goes on and on and on. He says he desires me and thinks I am beautiful bla bla bla and when he does bother to have sex (usually after I have reached meltdown stage and SCREAMED at him about it) I feel like a duty as he does his 5 minute deed with no foreplay. And to be honest it has played such havoc with my sense of body-image that I am now so self conscious that I really dont enjoy it anyway. And now he says its *boring* I have become a person I hate – self conscious, insecure, I feel frumpy, ugly and undesirable. I cry by myself alot. I am convinced no other man would ever look at me if I did leave him. Frequency of intimacy since after the first few months is around once a year. Im miserable. And craving attention/desire/sensuality/ that never ever comes.

I moved in with my guy in the middle of March, and we had the most beautiful sex life before then. We met just after Xmas 2008. if i had ANY clue that he was so uninterested in sex there is no way I would have moved in with him, as I have a high sex drive. He always tells me that Im going to *get it* and as always, I never do. I don’t even hear him when he says it anymore, as I know its a load of crap. I am attractive, look after myself, do my nails, tanning, im slender, large breasts, and they are nice, as I bought them. LOL. I have men bending over backwards to talk to me, and I can’t even get my guy to give me a second look. We’ve been together six month, and if its like this now, I can only know that its only going to get worse. I don’t want to hurt his feelings and tell him that this will not continue. I do love him, and would love to be with him until the day I die, but, I also want to feel that I am sexually attractive to him. Which apprently, I am not. He says I am, but, I’ve always beleived actions speak louder than words, and Im tired of being the aggresser in any sexual encounters. Maybe I should just swallow my pride and know that he’s not turned on by me, but my ego doesn’t allow this. LOL.

Well, now that I have got myself on a roll now. I need to give his side. He drives truck nights, so he sleeps during the day, I can live with this. he has weekends off, and I take my time off work to spend time with him. I have sat him down and told him how I feel about this, and he always has excuses that he’s tired.During the week, I can live with that excuse, weekends it just doesn’t give with me. he’s got lots of time to watch tv, or go on his laptop. He’s even tried to feed me a line of bs to say that I could be the aggressor. OMG. Im ALWAYS the one initiating any sexual encounter. I’ve closed that gate now because I feel that why would I want to try and have sex with someone who doesn’t want it with me. He told me a couple months ago he didn’t like how thin I had got,so, I put some more pounds on, not alot, just enough to give me more shape, and still he makes me feel Im just a unsexy woman. I’ve been compared to pamela anderson. We haven’t been together long enough for the sex to be out the window like this. I won’t be bringing this topic up with him again. I was in a sexless marriage before, and its so hard on the self esteem. I’ve cried many times over this. many many many times. Even not answered the phone when he’s working because he’ll know Im crying, and will want to know why. I don’t like to bother him when he’s working. I’ve also started drinking more now, because its easier to live with the pain of feeling unsexy. I really don’t think he understands how much it hurts. If he just isn’t a horny guy, then I think he should have told me that from the beginning instead of giving me the teaser of the best sex in the world then just leave me a sexless snake after only a few months.

OMG!! I am SOOOO very happy to have found you girls out there….I am up yet another night (but decided not to cry myself to sleep) and decided to do some research and the good Lord above led me to you…it’s so nice to know that I am not the only female on this earth with a crappy sex life, my husband and I have been married for only 7 months and we’ve only had sex 12 times (most of which I’ve basically had to beg for!) I would have never guessed it would be this hard! I really thought sex was suppose to be the easy part!

I’m just testing

This is to those women out there who have been married less than a year and their husband no longer wants sex like he used to, and think that it is only stress and normal for married couples. If he is no longer having sex with you, he is going elsewhere.
Before I met my husband, a man never rejected me sexually. My husband and I were very sexual from the beginning of our relationship until about 3 months after the wedding, when we bought a house together. I guess it was then that the reality of committment set in for him, and his instinct was to run. I was oblivious except for that sign that he did not want to have sex anymore – I tried everything, the lingerie, throwing myself at him. He said he was tired, stressed , had tough day at work, etc. etc. and I believed him!
Then last week I found out he has been seeing another woman for the last six months.
There really are no excuses. I am an attractive women with a lot to give, and he did not know what he had. At least I only wasted a year being married to him, but I could have wasted less time if I had heeded the warning sign – my brand new husband was no longer interested in sex with me, because he was with someone else.
It’s easy to find out if your husband is cheating- check the dating websites for his picture and look at his cell phone bills. I bet you most of the men on dating websites are already married! It’s an easy way for a married man to find a mistress because they can pretend they are not married. If he meets someone at work or through friends they know he is married.

I am THRILLED to see that I am not alone. I am an attractive 26 year old woman and feel like my husband has no interest in me at all. We’ve been married for almost 3 years and have had sex maybe 6 times in the last year. I feel completely neglected and starved for male attention. We’ve talked about it many times but still nothing… and when we do, it’s so awkward since we’ve had to actually have the convo in the first place. He was my first and only sexual partner, same for him. I find myself with a much higher sex drive as I get older too.

Hello, it’s sad to know that many of you have similar problems as I do. My husband has never been very sexual. We are married for 4 years now. Things are just getting worse. It’s not in my nature to initiate. Hoever, when I do touch him to try to seduce him, I only find him falling asleep. Like many of the posts above, I am slowly turning myself off. I think that if I desire less, I would be less hurt by the lack of sex. I thought that he is simply not interested in sex in general. But then I discovered that he actually spends hours watching porns online and masterbating. When he stays up in front of PC until late at night, or even slip out of the bedroom to do this early in the morning, I feel really so sad and cry. We have not talked about it seriously yet. He is a great husband in all other aspects. I wonder whether I am ready to live the rest of my life like this.

I have read each comment and it all sounds very depressingly familiar. I am also married with a non existent sex life. For years (married two, together seven years) I have assumed it was stress from work, lack of love for me. I have initiated sex, tried to seduce him, offer to help him with work or school so he wouldn’t be stressed, compliment him, request date nights alone and nothing. There was always an excuse or something more important taking presidence. But I soon discovered that he masturbates to porn because it’s easier and he cheats with prostitutes. Of course he doesn’t see what my problem is since he is getting his fill of sex while I have to make due with masturbation. I didn’t sign up for this and find it grueling to live day by day like this. I have no more tears left and I feel devastated but chose to remain for my kids. I only wish I followed my gut and left when he started to exhibit these symptoms while we dated.

My boyfriend and I have been dating since high school, through college, and now I am in law school and he is working. We are moving in together in a month- but there is HUGE problem in our relationship. We never have sex… and when I say sex i mean we never make out (kiss at all) nor anything else. All through college (4 years) maybe I have had sex 5 times. In college we went to Miami, on a cruise, and to Las Vegas… not one thing happened on any of those trips. I am with my bf because I love him very much. He was basically my first and only bf and my first lover; and in 7 years I have never cheated on him and vice versa. I am a very attractive girl with a lot going for me and I just dont understand why he is not interested. A couple years ago he told me it he was not interested bc i was always being “mean” and “nagging” him. As a result of this confession I blamed myself for our sexless relationship. I constantly do not think my 5′7 125lb body is good enough whereby any other standard it would be awesome… Then my boyfriend confessed to me that he gets nervous to make love. Finally, while we were on vacation in Mexico about a month ago, I got fed up. I bought several new pieces of lingerie and we had a hot tub in our suite.. i made it a point to MAKE things happen; but i was completely rejected. My boyfriend finally told me that he has a hard time getting an erection and it doesnt last. He told me be thinks it is bc he did not get the chicken pox vacine. So, I am not an idiot and this conclusion just seems ridiculous. I was pissed that he waited 4 years to tell me had had ED and even let me blame myself for him not wanting sex resulting in my severe confidence issues that have transferred into all areas in life (including law school). He tells me that he will go to the doctor but I do not think he is motivated to change things.. I dont think he minds not having sex. TO TOP things off… the other day I walked into his condo unannounced and he was masterbating in front of the computer: WTF? SO his ED is not an issue while looking at porn… sometimes at night I can hear him masterbating on the other side of the bed while I am “sleeping…” I just feel completely rejected bc I AM RIGHT THERE and he chooses not to pursue anything. I just silently cry to myself and have bad self esteem issues…. I am afraid if we get married we will have a sexless honeymoon…

my husband is not happy with me now in sex he said after 4 kids and 11 year merry i have no sex i m getting too open i m very dissapointed even he remarry
how can i do my best i m only 26 married 15

I want any teeny weeny speck of affection and or lovemaking from my husband !! My name is Rachel,married almost 9 years,46 years old ,husband , xxx ,he is a very sexy, tall ,olive skin,dark eyes,dark hair,beautiful face all of this and a sexy voice to top it off !
We made love every night,oral sex for each other before we made love,he was a very careing & generous with his mouth,,We were friends before we got together,so after the hot exciting sex & affection got to be not so imporntant to him we kinda settled into a comfort zone cause were best friends,which is wonderful too. But it’s been so long i don’t feel comfy being naked in front of him anymore i’m afraid he will think i’m gross & not want to put that sexy mouth down on me.but my body is the same as it was 9 years ago ,my face aged a bit,but my body works real well. How can i get him to want me without me feeling guilty that he had to have sex with me ? I know thats silly but it’s how i feel.I want foreplay ,kissing.touching rubbing with him but i want to know he really wants it from me.HELP !! i seriously don’t know how to fix this but 1 time every 6 months aint cutting it no more.Thanks soo much . Rachel

since all ur men, have the same problems, why dont you all take ur time and look for ways of helping him out if really they are the ones that do have this problem, all I have read is complains and complains, who gives the solution if you dont seek to find ways to work out the problem, this is meant to be a bedroom talk. Common ladies, dont just sit here and complain, seek for solutions and offer to those who are in the same situation both ways.

Rachel, all I can tell you is to work on ur mind, in ur comment u never said anything about him avoiding sex, so you seem to be the problem here, empty ur head and follow ur heart, he is ur husband, you don’t stay in the same spot doing same thing and expect a different result, you have to go back to your husband and do those things you always enjoyed doing with him, touch him where he love u touch him most, ignite the fire again and you’ll be happy you did. Marriage comes with s different kind of responsibility, if you are the best of friends, then ur case is half solved cos you can work it out

zealez.. thats harsh. obviously you dont realize most of the women on here like myself have given lots of money to therapists, victoria secrets, books, and vacations to no avail. the reason we are all on here is because we are hoping that someone will give us some glimmer of hope or some understanding to a problem that is very difficult to discuss in real life. Im on here now because even tho i love my fiancee and we have an amazing relationship and a beautiful daughter some were along the way he decided he did not want to have a sexual relationship. it sucks. i am on here because all i need to do is go outside and i could get that pleasure. i am a confident, beautiful smart woman and are all the woman on here. it would be alot easir to cheat than to be here writing about it but the truth is i still believe in the love we share and untill that love runs out im lucky i have all of you on here. i dont know how we could have such an amazing sex life and relationship the one day i cant get him to touch me other than holding my hand. some days i feel my soul dying

…. and please if you dont have a child GET OUT.. there is no need to torture yourself. I know it sounds hypocrtical but how do you explain to your daughter that you left the man you love and that lovea you because he wont f*ck u anymore.

I was married to my second husband for 15 years. We had a great sex life for the first 3 years. When I met him he had a huge stash of Playboy mags. I let him know that him looking at other women in the mag bothered me and he tossed them. Around that same time he received a call from an ex while we were in bed and he actually talked to her with vague dialogue. I should have left then. He said she wouldn’t leave him alone. OK…I have heard him make flirtatious remarks through the years. He makes alot of money and travels alot. Sometimes for a week or more at a time. I always suspected he had friends with benefits or used escorts or whatever but never really checked. I have “caught” him looking at nudes online so many times. Most times he can get off the page before I actually see what he was doing but occasionally he messes up. He controls everything, has secret accounts (bank and credit card) that I have come accross. Any time that I have ever tried to talk to him about any of this he gets MAD and won’t talk to me. I get the silent treatment for days/weeks. He has left me with no self esteem and an obese body. I have gained 90 pounds since we married and most of them have been in the past 3 years. I don’t understand why he wanted to keep me around if he’s not interested in me. I asked him if it was because “it’s cheaper to keep her”? He said no. He still loves me. He’s always been into classmates.com which didn’t help either. He was very popular in high school. He has now joined and is corresponding with the women. I feel like hell and want my life back. I left him a few months ago. This is how my lack of sex happened. Other women, avoidance, anger and lies.

All I know is, I feel very frustrated not having sex with my husband. I feel unattractive and hurt. There is so much more to a sexual relationship than just the orgasm. It creates a “ONENESS”, an ecstacy when two people come together and are conformed into one, plus it’s a very natural healthy thing for our bodies. My husband gave up sex when he started on certain medications that he has to take. I wonder if things will be like this forever…brokenhearted

My husband of 14 years was never very sexual, but at least we had sex a few times a year and he was affectionate and complimentary. Now he says our bodies “have changed” and it’s all about the kids, that we are not young anymore, etc. (we are 40) He accuses me of trying to “dress younger” and says I need to act my age. I really feel like he believes all sex not intended to create children is dirty. I am so lonely and brokenhearted…

I think I may have found some good clues.

My story sounds exactly like many of the others here (married 6 months, great sex for the 3 years before, now dwindled down to nothing due to his lost interest and very painful for us both).

For us, the issues were in two areas: 1) control and 2) attention. They were problems with the way I was behaving, but I didn’t realize the impact it had on my husband. My husband didn’t realize the impact his lost interest had on me.

It seems that my husband felt like he lost a lot of control in the time leading up to and after our wedding. I planned everything. He moved into my house. It was decorated like I liked it. His stuff went in the garage. His cats can’t live here (allergies). The list goes on. None of this stuff was a big deal at the time, but it mounts up.

Added to that are my two daughers (12 & 7). They get along great, but now he’s living with them, and is the stepfather. However…I control everything related to the kids.

Add also to that that I wasn’t very sexually experienced when we started dating, and he got to “teach” me a *lot*. We tried a lot of things, most of them for the very first time for me. He liked that role! But now…I am developing my own tastes, my own appetite…and that is a change. When I chase him down for sex now, it feels to him like…yep…a control thing. He wants to give it, not have it taken from him.

On the attention side: that one’s a bit less convoluted. Living with me and the girls now, he sees how much attention I spend on the girls. Before, he had me more to himself when we were on dates, and just saw them when he came for dinner. He doesn’t resent this – he understands it on an intellectual level – but underneath he misses being in the spotlight. Very related to the new baby syndrome!

To try to start to make this all better, I’m going to give up some more control (I already handed over the finances, the literal driver’s seat, and the remote…but need to go farther!). I’ll ask his advice and include him. We will make our house something we both like. And, I will quit chasing him for sex, put on my sexy outfits and hot lingerie underneath, and let nature take its course.

I don’t know if it will work, but I feel like I am on the right track.

Good luck to everyone here. There is a lot of sadness but there’s also hope.

My husband I have been married for 6 years, we have twins 4 years old, and haven’t had sex for over a year now. When we were dating, it was 2-3x/week, and every day when we went on vacation. When we started discussing marriage, sex started to slow down, and right after marriage, even less frequent. He is a good husband and I don’t think he’s cheating or has a medication condition, however I am hearing the same excuses that all the women on this board are hearing when I ask for sex (and get rejected). I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight (size 6) so I don’t think it’s a weight issue.

So I searched the internet on this condition and think I may have found one possible explanation, the Madonna whore syndrome. There is this case, when once a man starts seeing a woman as a wife and mother, he loses sexual interest in her because he’s associating with his mother (in other words… incest!). They would rather have sex or desires for a bad girl/whore/porn, since they can’t associate a wife/mom figure with that sexual image. Maybe this is not the case for everyone, but I think I’ve found one of the answers for my case. It’s quite eye opening, and makes me think of ways to reverse that thinking.

For one thing, begging is never attractive, to a man or even to a woman. Perhaps we need to feel more confidence in ourselves and go back to the old ways of when we were dating and our husbands were all crazy for us (ie. we need to play a bit hard to get….somehow?). One woman on another board said she told her husband she was going to masturbate and he can’t touch her, which got him all crazy since men usually desire what they can’t have. I think it’s worth a try.

I also agree with the previous poster’s suggestions (luckycharm). Maybe we need to relinquish too much control and pay more attention to our husbands (especially those of us with kids)… Good luck to all and I hope we will all find a solution to our more-common-than-we-thought situation.

My wife and I have been married for 3-1/2 years. We had a very active sex life the first few months of marriage. It went downhill after that. She would more often reject my advances than receive them, often demonizing me for wanting more sex. She has been very demanding, controlling and demeaning in our marriage. She has also gained considerable weight, weighing in at 175# at 5′1″. It’s hard to be attracted to a woman who is this much overweight, even harder when she is a b####. It’s easier to have lost interest in sex than to continue to pursue it when I’m rejected so often. We couldn’t be further apart right now, physically, emotionally, mentally. We share the same faith, yet she is more invested in her faith than she is in me. The only reason I haven’t left the marriage is the belief that marriage is a covenant, but I am miserable and am not sure how long I can stand up under these conditions.

Wait until you’re married. I’m assuming you new how she felt when you got engaged. This is obviously important to her. if you truly love her, you have no option but to respect this.
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Im glad I found other writing the same thing as me, but it seems as though there will never be an answer. I have been married about 6 months but this problem was going on before we were married – been together for two years and sex has been bad for about a year and a bit. I should have got out but I accidentally got pregnant after 6 months of being together. by the way – its not lack of sex cos he is worried i might get accidentally pregnant again cos he has actually said he wants more babies.
i have tried everything. im back to my pre pregnnacy weight whilst he has gained a ton of weight and doesnt care to look after himself anymore. meanwhile i still wear make up and get dressed up – excercise, diet, work full time and have a baby and house to look after – i do it all – i dont ask him to do anything. he just goes on ebay or eats etc. all his freinds fancy me and tell him all the time how hot i am – i know im not bad looking, even after having a baby. im alsways getting asked out by strangers – but i NEVER rub it in his face..i just dont tell him or ignore it if he complains bout his freinds fancying me. i just keep telling him i dont care and all i want is him.
i have good job, lovely family etc but this makes me feel as though whats the point in all of it if i am not physically close with the man i love.
i have asked, pleaded, ignored, tried. i have initiated in different places, circustances, times of day, tried underwear, dressing up, positions, places etc…when we rarely do have it its like going through the motions…i have even tried ignoring him and ‘playing hard to get’ – not mentioning sex at all for weeks – it doesnt work because he doesnt want it! he used to be very sexual. before he met me he was always at it and even when we first dated he couldnt get enough of me and we were very adventurous. i havent changed so why has he?
he says its just how he is now and he is not interested – if he is, he is and if he isnt, he isnt. generally he isnt. its weird cos he will joke around with me about sex and grab my boobs sometimes and pretend to bend me over while im making dinner or whatever, but when things get down to it, he actually doesnt want it at all. so these ‘jokes’ are starting to grate on me a bit and really annoy me becuase its like being in a reltionship with a child who ‘plays’ sex and jokes about it but wont do it anymore. im starttgin to look around at other men. something i thought i would never do.

This totally sucks for everyone, but I do feel better that it’s not just me. My husband and I had sex very often when we were dating and first married. I got pregnant a year and half ago and we didn’t have sex when I was pregnant cause neither of us felt comfortable, but to my surprise he was NOT interested in sex AFTER I had my daughter! It had been nine months, how could he not want sex? I couldn’t believe it! Ever since then things have been so different and I don’t know if it is because I gained weight from pregnancy or what. He, of course, won’t talk to me about it and when he does he tells me not to ruin what we have and stop over-thinking everything. Okay, whatever. I have a very bad feeling he may be having an affair and as far as I am concerned, if it is true, he is a complete jerk and can piss off.

I am on my second marriage, almost 15 yrs. My first marriage of almost 14 yrs was with someone who had a high sexual desire leading him into having affairs, and this husband has a low sexual desire and I am not sure when we had sex last.
I went through a lot of the same feelings as others have posted, and guess am at the point where I don’t care anymore about sex.
When I did have sex then I would want it more, so I guess I made the choice to stay married without sex.
Interesting that he is a flirt with other women at the grocery store, waitresses etc, if they only knew! I know our marriage could be richer, it is like living with your best friend.

Okay so here is my story. I married my hubby 14 years ago, neither of us was in perfect shape but we were at least attractive people and still are. A month after we married he began beating me and the control issues came out in full color, one of them being sex, only when he wanted it. I put up with his crap for the first three years until I decided to stand up, knock the ever loving hell out of him and throw his sorry butt in jail for a cpl months. You’ve heard that something will make a person better or bitter? Well let me tell you that standing up to him has made him very bitter and he still uses sex as a weapon as well as verbal abuse, he won’t dare put his hands on me in a violent manner again. He knows I want sex, he refuses to give it. If I ask for it or hint at it he gets angry and even more withdrawn if that’s possible. I get no form of affection from this man at all. We do not have kids so that is not an excuse, I work full time he refuses to work, I take care of the house he takes care of making it a pig sty, I do all of the cooking while he sits on his sorry butt, he is addicted to laziness. Yeah I’m his doormat and to make matters worse he blatantly flirts and makes sexual comments to and about other women in front of me and then can’t understand when I get upset and snappy with him. He also wants us to become swingers, I don’t think so! If he can’t love me and be satisfied with me I sure as hell am not going to give him permission to screw another woman right in front of me and pretend to be ok with it! Don’t hand me that crap that a man is geared to look by nature, that’s the biggest load of horse manure I have ever heard. They do it because they have no class, no morals and no damn respect for the woman they are with. Ladies, you can cry me a river but until you look at your man without your princess glasses you are going to be miserable and tolerate his crap because society has brainwashed us into believing we should be Miss Fix Everybody and Ignore Ourselves. Stop your crying, wipe your noses and be an adult. If your man is otherwise in good health, no medical problems or emotional problems then the only possible problem is he himself and not you. Stop taking blame for something that is not your fault! He can make any excuse under the sun and blame you for it all but it doesn’t make it true. Women need to stop taking on blame that is not rightfully theirs and force the people in their lives to take responsibility for themselves. You have a full time job just living your own life so stop the micro-managing and get on with living.

boy, what a find to realize that I am so not alone in this sexless marriage thing! We have only been married for 8 months and I feel like I am a hundred years old. It is a late marriage for both of us ( we are in our 50’s) but I truly have always been very desired by my former partners. This is all new to me (the rejection) and it is eating me up inside. We have HUGE fights about this subject that leave us both exhausted and sad and they never solve anything. The funny thing about my husband is I finally get used to being without sex and then he ALWAYS comes looking for it again after I have given up hope, what is that about? I guess I feel that if he has so little sexual desire for me, then why not give up on it totally so that we can have just a “platonic” marriage, at least I could get used to that after a while. Any other women out there have this problem? I really wonder if all of this is just an “ego game” for these guys??

i’m in my 20s, been together with the most wonderful and loving man for over 10 years. Ever since we moved in together his sex drive became lower and lower. Before we moved in we used to have sex about 3-4 times a week and now has become once or twice/month. Speaking to him does not help either since every time the problem comes up he’ll simply say he’s too tired and make apologetic gestures… and instead of sex i get few seconds of cuddling and then he will completely dozed off. There are times when he tries to “make pass” at me during the day but when it comes to actual sex he’s just not into it. I don’t understand why his sex drive is so low since our relationship is still very strong (at least i think so), we never fight or argue, not over-weight, eat healthy, no kids… i’ve tried verbal discussion and non-verbal ways like lingerie etc but to no avail. This really boggles my mind as to why nothing excites him. Our jobs are not stressful either but sometimes i wonder if it is because we are business partners that he got tired of seeing me 24/7? Seriously if our future marriage or having kids comes down to this or worse then i need to re-think it through. Why does it not bother him that we are having lack of sex life? I feel so terrible and i hate doubting myself for something that i did/didn’t do.

I am so glad I found this website. I live in a very conservative community that doesn’t talk about these things and reading all these other stories makes me feel like I can get a handle on my own situation.
I just turned 24, I’m 5′11″ and average. I have been told I have a beautiful face and even though I am a tall girl I keep myself well and exercise/diet daily. I am a massage therapist so my life is working with my hands, showing affection and helping people improve their lives.
My husband and I have been married 2.5 years and he is european so finds my height and presence attractive. He was so hot for me before we married, we waited to have sex until after the wedding and then after a short initial period of sexual experimentation his sex drive dwindled into nothingness. He can go weeks, sometimes months without needing any intimacy. He’s a FANTASTIC partner in every other way, the love of my life and my best friend. He is the most chivalrous, caring, thoughtful husband you could ever want………but we live like brother and sister.
I have been trying for almost 3 years to find the root of the problem, changing our diets to eliminate all unhealthy sources of toxins, getting him to exercise to increase his testosterone levels, frequent massages and constant snuggling. He doesn’t feel physically bereft due to me at all! I am %100 there for all his needs, physical, emotional, spiritual, mental……………………………………….WHAT THE FREAK IS WRONG????????? I feel so unattractive, (unloved is the wrong word) I feel like it is my fault when I try so hard. My self-esteem is so low, I don’t even believe it when other men hit on me, I think “ha well you wouldn’t be hitting on me if you saw me without my clothes” as if I am defective and I rationally know I am not. He gives in and has sex when I beg and make an issue out of it, sometimes I can catch him in the morning when he first wakes up but it does not have the easy, natural flow of a healthy sex life. I feel like I am forcing myself on him and it compounds my guilt. Like I am some wild sex fiend (I was a virgin until marriage and completely loyal, he was even my first kiss!) and I know that not to be the case, I am timid and conservative.
I end up feeling like some kind of predator, a sex wolf that hunts penis! lol I feel like I am always prowling around waiting for an opportunity to strike!
We want a family but at 24 years old I can’t imagine living another 60 years with a man that won’t make love to me. I am too young to live like this. He feels awful and cries and says he’s sorry, that he loves me and can’t live without me. I don’t comfort him because I will feel like he is my little brother if I do. I let him cry.

I am leaving today. I won’t leave him for good but I need some time away. He has left me sexually and I am leaving him physically. I know that things will work out but right now I need to make a statement that I am hurt. My heart is sad and disallusioned, of all the tragedies you can plan to prevent…….this just isn’t one of them.

I am a guy with an issue that is the subject here. I don’t feel good about not desiring my attractive wife, but I think I understand it. Here it is, ladies: When we were dating (before marriage), there was an aura of excitement and newness about it. Once that leaves after being married for a year or so, the “excitement cloud” disappears and we start seeing the physical flaws we didn’t see (or focus on) earlier in the relationship. Men are hard wired for sexual novelty and newness (ladies, I’m only the messenger…it’s TRUE). The guys who have a strong sex drive well into their marriage often don’t restrict it to their spouses, but seek to satisfy it with other women. On the other hand, the men who believe in marital fidelity are more likely to “shut down” rather than go the infidelity route.

There you have it. It ain’t pretty, but it’s the way it is.

I am only married eight weeks and I really feel it was a huge mistake already. My husband has little or no interest in me, my body, my mind or of anything at all that is of importance to me. Our sexlife was never anything exciting or fantastic. Infact it never lasts more than about 5 minutes before HE is satisfied and leaves me so fruastrated that sometimes I go into the bathroom to cry.I too was one of those niave people who was sure it would get better when we got married. We don’t even have conversation anymore never mind sex. I feel like he is revolted at my body. I am of average height and weigh 9 stone – not overweight. I take care of my appearance but I honestly don’t feel comfortable anymore being nude around him. I was always comfortable in my own skin and never had problems with my ex boyfriends. Infact they could never keep their hands off me. I keep asking myself what is so wrong with me that he can’t love me. I feel very unloved, unwanted and unattractive around my husband and its cutting me up inside. Why did he marry me if he is not sexually attracted to me? I can’t remember the last time he hugged me or made me feel that he was even aware I exist.I hope this is not a taste of what our lives together will be like. If it is then I really don’t think I can do this.

I am 37 year old drop dead gorgeous and am married to my second husband for 6 years now (he is 42). We haven’t had sex for well over a year because he is not interested. For almost 2 years before that we rarely had sex (once a month, if that). So that’s 3+ years with almost no sex.

I can’t believe this is happening to me and am already going crazy!!!

He is great husband though, a good and charming man, and I know he loves me. Worse, he takes my begging for sex as great pressure and I know it is killing him inside.

Two out of my three closest frieds have told me they have the same problem. One said she did not know that for a year her husband forced himself by using Viagra about once a month to be able to save the marriage. That strikes me as too horrible a soluton to subject my husband to, a rape in reverse.

Very sad…

I read these comments, and just want to tell you ladies, it doesn’t get better. After 22 years of marriage, my husband has rarely been interested in sex. I have tried everything, I have a whole drawer of lingerie that never worked. I support him in all of his endeavors, encourage him, believe in him, etc. He is not into porn or having affairs. He owns his own business and says he is just too tired. The worst part about it is that divorce is not an option. If you meet someone who is not interested in sex – move on. Living with a husband who avoids you is truly heart breaking.

Okay, I am so glad that I have found this site.
I have been married since June, 2009. My husband and I’s sex life have really never been extremely active but we would have sex every couple three weeks, and I delt with that. Since May we have only had sex 3 times. We didn’t even have sex the night we got married.
I tried to talk to him on several occassions about this and all he could ever say is that he was stressed out.
Over the months I have made it to where he doesn’t have to do anything accept go to work and play his computer game thinking that would help.
It didn’t. We have had sex one time since July. I just send him a email a couple weeks ago thinking that if he didnt have to face me that he would feel better about talking about things. He didnt even respond. Please help. Im not sure what to do.

I am seriously thinking about having an affair, my husband has stopped having sex with me after 2 years of marriage. We fight about it all the time…I can’t live like this anymore. He was terrific before we got married and very aggressive now he acts like a it is a chore…I am tired of toys and want what I want

I was really happy to find this article. I am a 31 yr old woman, married to a great guy. Except he has never been a good sexual partner. We met when he came to town on business and we began a long distance relationship. After nearly a year, we decided to marry and sex has never been great, but we did get together 1-2 times a week. Then slowly it became less frequent. I am now pregnant and it’s been over a month. I am still attractive and have actually lost weight since we married 3 years ago,(40 lbs before I got pregnant), I take good care of myself. It is so hard to talk to him about the horrible lack of sex and closeness. He just gets rude and wants to hurry up and do me and get it over with. Or that’s how it feels. If I wasn’t pregnant I would leave. I think he wanted a baby and now that one’s on the way-mission accomplished, at least for him. It’s crazy to ask for sex and I refuse. I’ve gotten to a point where I feel like he is doing it on purpose and that hurts alot.

I am a husband for some years now and I would like to apologize to the wonderful hardworking wife’s out there. I too have fallen that I have lack of interest in my wife. And it’s not just the sex, sex is great with her when it happens which is rare but never the less great. There are some many other things that get me upset, turned off, frustrated, annoyed etc. that my interest in her goes away. There are so many problematic situations out there that it’s hard to even grasp. If anyone wants to ask for an opinion a honest one feel free to ask. Maybe I can learn also and help myself out.

By reading these comments it seems to me like alot of you are in marriage for the wrong reasons. You got into it for sex haha how ridiculous is that. Sex doesnt last forever, true love is a self sacrificing choice not a feeling even tho strong feelings acompany it. Its up to you to make the marriage work and you need to realize that it is the fault of both, 1 for not communicating( a key component of marriage) 2. Not being truthful( another key component)

One sad thing about today is that our wedding vows are being changed to (as long as we shall love) instead of (as long as we shall live) and for any of you who want to research it or find the truth marriage came from the Bible ( historicly speaking )
The Bible is the foundation of marriage, maybe the people day should take a look at the Good Book. And enjoy that you have someone who loves you and follow threw with your vows there is not excuse for divorce

James (97)
Your take on the wedding vows is quite interesting because they were invented by people when the average lifespan of a person was a lot shorter than nowadays plus maternal death was so common that many men would remarry several times. Thank Goodness I went with a civil wedding only and not the religious one that puts this guilt trip from hell on you.
I am living once and I promised myself to die happily after my personal years of suffering in a sexless marriage.
I love my husband and I gladly would be close up and personal with him if he could but since he can’t or won’t I found relief and I am not talking the BOB (battery operated boyfriend) either.
Ladies, you live in your own personal abyss if you don’t get help, any help and wouldn’t it be nice to put all the horny people in one building and all the frigid ones in another and the world would be such a HAPPY and content place!!!
What are you waiting for???
There is also this thing called obligation to your spouse which is mentioned in the bible. My husband chose to ignore this part and I feel free to do as I please, no disrespect, just living my life as was intended by a higher being – there is a reason why we have sexual organs in our bodies!!!
Women peak in their 40s, men in their 20s, any question why there are ‘cougars’ among us??
BTW, no antidepressants either because I found satisfaction with another human being and that would be my recommendatin to any person who is stuck in a loving but sexless marriage. Also see Maslowe’s pyramid of needs.
I always wanted to open a CTS (center for therapeutic sex w/ approval for medicaid) but I don’t think it would go over too well with the spouses because they are still jealous even though nothing is being taken away from them since they are figid anyway.

After reading the posts I fully believe that there is a definite need for it though!!!

TC (89)
So, if this is the ugly truth about men whicg makes a lot of sense then let me ask you: Do you mind if your wife finds comfort with another man since you cannot satisfy her basic need?!
I was never a friend of matrimony vows because people change and turn egocentrical in their ways as they age but leaving your spouse in this limbo state of eternal sexual frustration is way below the belt line. The one who refuses intercourse is in charge of the relationship because of course a woman will not rape her husband and then her frustration turns into anger, anger into aggression, aggression into destruction, either towards herself or towards others….vicious cycle until the sexual frustration is taken care of. I am much more forgiving and lenient with my ‘love of my life’ husband since I found a loving boyfriend two years ago who sits in the same boat as I, ie sexless marriage.
I don’t have to pressure my husband into any action because I don’t need to anymore. We get along so much better because I found my equilibrium, my homeostasis, my happiness. The hormonal output during and after an orgasm is extreme and unfortunately this unforgiving society tells us to rather shut up and suffer.
NO Sir! No more of this!!! If you were an honestly loving husband you would find your wife a boyfriend/lover and let her have what she needs. She will bloom because all those hormones that are released will not only improve her mood but also her looks!!!
I am 47 and ‘married’ for almost 21 years. I feel like I am married to my roommate/best friend to whom, on occasion when my life gets to me, I offer the big D word and he won’t have any of that either because I must be taking too good care of him… I gave up on pressing the issue and I am tired of telling him to seek medical help with his high blood pressure medication that dropped his libido into the prepuberty stage.

(86) katy

Unless this is strictly a rhetorical question I would say that he is playing the oh, so evil control game: you want it but cannot have it unless I am willing and ready…. sorry, but I would draw the line right there ———-
Ego game is right, so what are you waiting for??? For him to change into this wonderful person who is going to satisfy your every need? You’ll wait forever, other people do not change, you can only change yourself.
Why do people in general think they ‘own’ a person once the marriage license is signed? I will NEVER get that!!!! Nobody owns us, we are free to do as we please so do it.
I understand that there could be economic reasons to stick it out with your partner but other than that I would get satisfaction somewhere else, and NOT by opening the fridge door or indulging in chocolate… your body is screaming out for other satisfaction.
Best of luck !!!

I too am glad I found this site. I have been married to my husband for 19 years. We had a very stormy marriage for probably 13 years. I actually left him once and he convinced me to return. I did and vowed to make things work between us. The unusual thing is that he wanted sex during the years we were not getting along so good. Now, we have had sex only once in three years. The last two times prior to that I initiated and he just couldn’t really perform. Then about 2 years ago I rented a room in the mountains with a fireplace and hot tub. I took sexy lingerie and I thought surely that would help. IT DIDN’T. Then after another year and begging and pleading for him to tell me what was wrong, I bought another new “outfit” and everything was fine. I thought surely we were going in the right direction – Wrong – now it’s been another year. I have talked to him about it. I have asked him if he was seeing someone else. He says no that he loves me and things are gonna change, but they never do. He says it’s stress from his job. It’s funny to me the stress never affected anything before. A year ago I convinced him to go to the doctor to check his blood pressure, prostate, etc. and to ask for viagra if he needed it. His tests all came back good and he did not ask for the viagra. That makes me feel like he is not really concerned about it.

My husband is very sweet and a great man. Sex was not great prior to our wedding but it was somewhat hot. On the first day of our honeymoon all interest in satisfing me came to a halt. So now sex is a quick 4 to 6 pumps in what may or maynot be a wet VJJ. Just a “honey I’m sorry I didn’t last longer. That was 5 years ago. Hopeless.

I have been with my wife for 8 years now and married for 2. Sex was great to start and we have always had a loving relationship. Over the last 3 years or so the sex has become less and less frequent which is down to me, I find her very attractive in every way, but when it comes to sex I just avoid it. A lot I think has been down to stress about money and the usual things in life, but we do not have those issues now. Emotionally we still have a fantastic connection but that is all its become. I want to make this marriage work and would be lost without her. I know she would never look elsewhere but I know she must be hurting and feeling rejected. I just can’t pin point the moment things drifted apart and ended up like this. How do I get back to normality with her?!?!

Mick, you are a jerk. If communication was prevalent in your marriage BOTH of you would be better off.

Hi

I have been married for 2 years and still virgin. Husband has zero desire to do sex. I want to have healthy sex life but i am scared of pain.

Please help us.

Sherron,
You can slowly stretch your vaginal opening by using one to two fingers at a time over the course of a couple months. Once you’re large enough to fit 4 fingers in comfortably, you should be able to have sex with minimal pain. This is part of a technique used in natural birth to stretch the birth canal to minimize tearing. I suggest doing these exercises when showering. Be sure to use a lubricant and be very careful you don’t scratch yourself with your fingernails. The point is to improve the situation, not damage yourself. I also suggest reading up on birthing stretch techniques. This should give you the confidence to move forward.

Everyone else, I’m so glad to know I’m not alone! I can relate to almost all of you. I decided to stick it out for 7+ years now. We’ve had ups and downs, but we do love each other. God brought us together and we committed to be one. I know it’s hard. Trust me, some of the stuff we’ve put each other through would make a crazy movie, but we’ve stuck it out. I know it’s not easy. In fact, it can bring you to the brink of suicide if you let it. Just decide that no matter what, love can conquer all. It’s true, just keep pressing forward. And, most importantly, DECIDE to not remember the hurt or offenses he’s done against you. That’s the only way to truly heal this situation. You cannot keep a tally of the wrongs.

And for those ladies who’re taking care of things theirselves… I think maybe you are intimidating your husbands. Why don’t you get a Kama Sutra book or something similar and read a little to him each night before you go to sleep. Tell him how you didn’t know this or that, or hey, I’d like to try that, that sounds interesting… That way you’re learning together and he knows it. You’re not teaching him what you learned without him. Men want to FEEL in control and more ________ (you fill it in) than their women (it’s true, just work around it!). You should watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding and watch her mom deal with her dad. That’s the way you gotta deal with men. Be all you are and know all you know, but be sure to encourage, support, and praise them non stop or their ego’s will suffer … then you suffer in the bedroom. It’s the truth.

Now, for all those who want to try to make this work, want to do “one last thing” to improve their marriages before they give in… try this. The Love Dare. Google it and try it. It will improve things, but you have to be determined to do the whole dare.

God bless you all. I’m praying for your broken hearts.

To all the ladies out there – sorry for making this remark but can’t help it : Now you know what it feels like to be an average man. You feel so low because of sexual rejection. We men have to deal with it almost all the time. As for practical solutions to your problem, if your guy is not into affairs or addicted to porn, then the poor fellow must be tired. Hard to be interested in sex after working 10 hours straight, you would agree! Don’t nag him about it. See if you can take a relaxing vacation together without computers or TV. Give the guy some down time and things might work out. And yes, both of you should try to be well-groomed. Helps a lot.

so from the beginning – me and my husband had A LOT of sex, for the first year…and then i got pregnant and we still had a lot of sex, towards the end we cut back a little bit because i had gotten so big that it was un-comfortable, and i delivered about a month ago, and we have had sex once since i delivered, and we both have gotten pretty wound up. and so that one time we had sex i was pretty sure it would have been amazing, but he stopped in the middle of it and said ‘I’m not really in the mood anymore’ and so we stopped. recently he has told me that he does not see me as a sexual being, but as a mom now, and the thoughts and ‘visualizations’ of me giving birth (he was right there helping) keeps running through his head and it freaks him out. HELP please…i need sex. =/

Hey ladies I have to say for those of you who have never changed in your sexual desire from the beginning of your relationship to now, I am sorry to hear of your situation. As a man with a hyperactive sex drive I have to ask, have any of you considered that the situation could be more than his sole decision? Personally my wife and I used to be refereed to as “bunny rabbits” because we had sex so much. But after the first year of marriage she started to lose interest in sex everyday, then it got worst and worst as time went on. I went through every range of emotions I can think of; from confused to irritated to depressed to angry then finally just disappointed and now acceptance. I had to make a decision, we talked and she said to me (and I quote) “sex is not a pivotal part of our relationship.” I decided not to cheat on her but I had to do something because I still want to have sex like a 18 year old. I am 31 she is 29 we have one child and her father takes care of the child every day. He lives 15 min away and will watch her whenever we like. She is a school teacher I am a graduate student. I make no demands of her, I help clean-cook-and basically whatever she wants. If she asks I do it, with a smile mind you. So in order to cope with her changes in sexual need I did the only thing I could, removed my view of her as a person I could have sex with. What I mean by this is, for any random woman on the street I may look at her and think “hey she is attractive” but that is it. I know I cannot have sex with her because she is not my wife….so I just did the same with her. It was the only way i could save sex (or the lack there of) from destroying our marriage. I do not blame her for a low sex drive or lack of effort or anything like that, nor to I think I am at fault because I never changed my attitude on sex. Apparently this is just life. So LADIES if you are in a sexless marriage now ask yourself was this always the case? Could he have been driven away by an unexplained lull in your drive and now you want him back? It does not work that way, I spent 4 years trying to understand and accept my situation, well I did and can now not have sex and feel fine. If there are any suggestion please feel free to speak up. I am listening….

Harsh-It is harder for a woman to be in this situation because of the stigma, we have all been told a million times that men always want it…so now for our husbands to not want it leaves us confused and frustrated and wondering if it is us…

I’ve been married about 6 months now too Reading all this isn’t giving me any hope We are at about once every 2 weeks now, he says he is just not “into it” I know he’s not cheating and I am a little less than the weight I was at when we first met. So what is it?

Has anyone bought the book and read it?

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years now. Over the last year or so our relationship has hit some lows as well as our sex life. We rarely have any intimacy apart from a cuddle. Ive tried asking whats wrong, pouncing on him, sending sexual texts but to no avail. Its now been over 4 months since we were intimate! and it doesnt look like its going to change. I dont know what to do. Its now making me feel really unattractive and where i used to make an effort to dress up or initiate sex it just makes me feel totally inadequate cause im going to be turned down. HELP!!

It’s been interesting reading these posts. My husband is wonderfully intimate, but not when it comes to sex. We’ll do everything else (cuddle, say “I love you,” kiss) but he rarely initiates sex and when I do, he’s often too tired or dehydrated, hungry or too full. It’s gotten to the point that I no longer want to initiate because it hurts being told “no.” He tells me it’s not rejection, but it feels like rejection. It especially hurts when I think of the fact that before meeting me he had twenty-two sexual partners. I just don’t understand. When I try talking to him about it, his answer is always “I don’t know.” It’s frustrating, especially considering his past. He claims his past sexual relationships were unhealthy, but it still doesn’t make sense to me. Any ideas or insights?

I am also glad i found this blog. I have been married for a year and our sex life is non-existent. He was like this before we were married, but I thought it was the stress of the wedding. Now that I think of it, I was always the one to initiated it, and most of the time, he gladly participated, but the other times he would push me away.
My husband has chronic “back pain”. He says that it is the reason why he is uninterested. But he cannot explain to me how it can be painful for him to kiss me, hug me, compliment me, go down on me, or anything that does not involve thrusting. I am, like most of you, a very intelligent, curvy, beautiful woman. I get hit on often. I know deep down that it is not my appearance or sexiness that is the issue. I think the bottom line ladies is that most of us KNEW what we were getting into when we married our husbands. We acutally THOUGHT that marriage was going to change them. I mean, he knew I was very sexual, and HE is the one who asked me to marry him…I never pushed him or was one of those woman who pushed for marriage. So, why are we complaining now? A person is not going to change who they are. To all the ladies who saw the “red flag” before you were married…You are asking your husband to change the way he is when you knew that was his character before you were married. When you accepted his proposal, you ACCEPTED him..he does not see the point in your crying, arguing, complaining and so on… So, that is the only responsibilty you should take. And the other responsiblity you should take is the one to yourself…GET OUT of the marriage. Maybe you thought Love would change everything..you thought if you loved him enough or if he loved you enough then it would change. But it will never change if he does not want it to. My advice to myself and to others is to GET OUT and go and find someone that loves you completely and has it in them to give themselves fully to you. Men who are not interested in intimacy (if not physical) have deep rooted emotional issues and prey on woman that are loving, and “givers” like me. Well, Im done giving, and so should you.

Girls it’s all about control. My husband wanted “it” before we got married because I didn’t. Then when it was all legal he lost interest hardly ever initiating. At first he would give it to me if I asked. Then he stopped and he occassionally initiated. Then we separated. He wanted it again. He drug me to a counselor who told me I had to meet my husbands needs while we were working it out. I complied. After a while he again lost interest. I got cancer had many surgeries and gained 20 pounds. I still get lots of men looking at me and I’m told that I’m not fat by everyone around me. I’m not the skinny thing I was, but I’m not extremely overwieght either. He keeps blaming his wieght but then he over eats and doesn’t take any responsiblity. The other night I simply asked him if he could be more responsive since I found him masterbating and it hurt me terribly. He lashed out and told me I had to start excercising more if I expected more sex. That did it for me. Excuse me but I’m a whole lot thinner than he is. I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with him anymore until we both lost some wieght and got down to the control issues. It was getting to the point that to get laid I had to be turned down, get upset then let him come to the rescue and give me pity sex. Sorry but this girls done with that. Now of course he is all over it wanting sex again. The really bad part is it feels so good to be wanted that I don’t dare give in to his demands. The second I have sex with him he will be in control again and sooner than later he’ll begin to lose his drive again. I don’t have to answers but I’m not taking this laying down…excuse the pun. I’m making him work for it this time. Like I didn’t before we got married. If he loves me he’ll lose wieght, go to the doctor, stop MASTERBATING…and girls that is exacually what your man is doing or worse. It’s all about control. I’m so sick of games.