Reader Bellla0428 posted advice on our Forum that we think is worth sharing.
"Be careful of calling it an addiction. You not liking it doesn't make it an addiction. Him not wanting to give it up doesn't make it an addiction.He may have lied to make you feel better (no, it doesn't excuse it), you kept trying to extract promises from him because you don't like it, he lies to make you feel better, cycle continues.
I actually think you got the best piece of advice a few posts back. He likes porn. You don't. OK, fair enough. Don't make it a contest. You know he's going to look so stop looking to "catch" him, try to get him to promise to stop, he lies, he looks, you catch, cycle continues.
It's private sexuality for him. He isn't robbing banks or even smoking cigarettes which harm his health.
Tell him, "I know you look at porn. It's not my thing but I'm not your mom and as long as it doesn't take the place of our sex life and as long as you're discreet about it and don't do it while I'm sitting right there, I'll leave you alone. I won't snoop, I won't try and guilt you into stopping."
You don't continue the hide/lie/sneak cycle, you acknowledge that he is entitled to his private sexuality, he stops feeling like he's in a can't win situation and everybody wins.
What do you think of pornography usage in a marriage? Please share your experience or thoughts about pornography with our readers.
Impressive blog and but i have heard somewhere that the Sheri & Bob’s get divorce and now they not living together is that is true?
Definitely not true! Bob and I will be celebrating our 47th anniversary in two months.
As a psychotherapist working in the sexual addiction venue, I beg to ask if the brain state associated with frequent porn use jeopardizes a person’s ability to bond in an intimate relationship? This is more than just a blanket moral issue and is transferable to the field of cognitive science. The intensity involved with pornography viewing keeps the brain in a hyper aware state, meaning cognitive capital is being burned at extraordinary rates. By burning these resources, a person’s ability to establish effective rest patterns, engage in quality relationships, avoid significant isolating behaviors, and function well in the workplace is greatly compromised in my opinion.
If the wife in the above scenario feels comfortable stepping away from addressing a major marital drain, then that is to be respected. I do hold that addressing it is necessary, but in a non-shame based environment and manner. However, to side-step this issue and not addressing that her marriage has a high probability of being negatively impacted by the husband’s porn use may take away her voice in expressing that she longs for a husband that is emotionally and physically present. I have yet to see a frequent porn user able to engage and maintain significant intimacy within a relationship while devoting significant time and personal resources to porn viewing. I am becoming more convinced that our cognitive-emotional resources are to be carefully managed and when properly managed, we can experience affectionate love by giving and receiving it.
As a frequent user of porn, I find this discussion very interesting. I have been married 2 1/2 years and have never had porn have a negative impact on my relationship. I tend to use porn whenever things are not as exciting in my relationship, when my wife isn’t interested, or when I’m away on trips. It satisfies my needs without building up resentment for not having sex, but keeps me motivated for the next time when she is interested. Instead of building up a tolerance for lack of sex and then losing libido, it’s like keeping warm on the bench for when you get to play next.
As for porn being cheating, I feel that is the opposite of what it is. To me it is a way of satisfying my needs without cheating. It is a pictorial realization of a fantasy world, the same as any fantasy within my own mind. To say a guy is cheating on you by looking at porn is the same as saying he is cheating on you any time he thinks about anyone else – i.e. every time he pleasures himself. I think it’s unrealistic to think a guy will never fantasize about other women, and using something completely unrealistic and detached to satisfy that is far better than him acting out his fantasies and actually cheating.
I’ve even had my wife interested in watching porn with me, and we have used that as foreplay from time to time.
Perhaps my use of porn is not as extreme as others, so obviously I don’t think I speak for everyone. But I do think there is a range of porn use that can be healthy, if he’s into that, rather than a completely bad and immoral activity.
My husband and I are actually dealing this this situation currently. I have never been a fan of porn use. He has lied to be about his use for 4.5 years and now we are dealing with our differing opinions. In some cases his use of porn does affect our sex life negatively. Some cases he has used porn instead of having sex with me. That is the main reason we are trying to find a middle ground on the situation. I am trying to just focus on improving our sex life and not how much I dislike porn. However sometimes when I am alone my mind starts analyzing every little detail and it just makes me sick to my stomach thinking about him watching porn. I try really hard not to let it make me feel insecure but it is really hard. It also makes my husband less attractive to me because it is an undesirable behavior to me.
I think if a couple is mutually ok with the use of porn then it is a non-issue. But if it is not ok with both parties, feelings on both sides have to be considered.
This is the stupidest article I’ve ever seen. So as long as you ignore the fact that your partner watches porn, everything is fine?!?!? Isn’t marriage compromise?? What is the man compromising in this case, being discrete?????
An addiction is something you have a hard time stop doing. If a guy can’t stop watching porn, its an addiction. If they have to do it, even if they know it hurts their wife, its an addiction. If he can take it or leave it, then its a healthy use.
I am married to a porn addict. And articles like this are a disgrace, we women should have the right to express how we feel and fight for it. Ignoring it and being discrete is not the solution to this problem.
In response to Nameless #4, I would like to ask whether you are saying that every occasion on which a man pleasures himself he is thinking of another woman? So, he NEVER thinks of his own woman on those occasions. If that is so, why? I would also like to know whether the other women about whom he fantasizes are celebrities or women he knows. Personally, I would find the celebrity fantasy less threatening because it is less real. It makes me uncomfortable to think that my husband fantasizes about women he knows every time he pleasures himself. Also, would you feel comfortable knowing that every time your woman pleasures herself she thinks of other men she knows? Just wondering if this is a Mars/Venus thing again.
I’m a clerk in a porn store so my view might be a little different than most. It depends on the couple about porn, some relationships work well and others don’t. Some of my best customers are happily married for many years, I have others that don’t want to take the receipt home.
We have a small amount of women who come into the store that buy porn for their husband. In my opinion that is a rather enlightened view, she picks out what he gets to see.
For anyone reading this porn is only a fantasy, it has very little to do with reality. I find most of them are rather silly actually, then again I get overloaded with seeing it at work.
My husband and I are also dealing with this addiction. We’ve been married 10 yrs and when I finally caught him I was so deeply hurt and felt cheated on emotionally. We discussed the situation and he said he would stop. He didnt and I was hurt even more. Now we are seeking the help of a counselor. The couneselor said it is an addiction and stems from his bad childhood. I am standing behind him and helping him get through the adiction. We have installed net nanny on our computer and I monitor his phone web history. Even going to counseling hes slipped up and let me hurt again. I agree with many of the coments above if the wife or girlfriend is not comfortable thgan it should not be viewed.
Nameless (7)
So I caveat this with the fact that this is just my viewpoint, and I don’t speak for all guys.
For me, when I pleasure myself I generally don’t think about my woman because in some strange way I find it degrading to her. I do sometimes, if we’ve recently had a great sexual experience, but generally I think either about porn the I’m watching or I’ve seen or previous sexual experiences. I prefer to make it as unrealistic and detached as possible which is why I use porn in the first place. It’s like I don’t want to spoil sex with her by thinking about it too much.
I also have no doubt that she thinks of other men or fantasies when she pleasures herself. I don’t want to know about it, and as long as she isn’t acting on any of her fantasies I don’t really care what she fantasizes about, because I know that’s all it is.
I think the bottom line is that porn is a habit just like any other that can be considered healthy, disgusting, or an addiction depending on the company you keep. The problem lies in that it doesn’t tend to surface until much later in a relationship. I think comparing it to smoking is an excellent comparison. It’s a quick fix high that is probably used to let off stress. If you’re a smoker and you marry a smoker, it may be fine that you smoke two packs a day. If you marry a non-smoker, maybe it’s ok as long as they don’t come home smelling like smoke, or maybe it’s not ok at all. If it’s something you’re not willing to give up, maybe it’s a deal breaker, or maybe there’s room for compromise. As with any habit, when it starts interfering with the relationship it needs to be resolved, preferably earlier rather than later.
Hey, we’re both over 50, my wife showed me the web site! As she put it, “some times you need a little help getting things working”, ie; “up and lubricated”! We’re church folk, we don’t see any problem watching it together for our own benefit and help “getting things going”.
I have to say, being a man who has struggled with porn for over 20 years now, it is absolutely an addiction, and it has been devastating to my relationships with nearly all the women in my life (including my wife with whom I’m trying to restore intimacy). The power it wields over a man is hard to grasp by those who have not experienced it.
Those of you who are married and are into porn and say that it “works for you” and your spouse, I’m guessing that if you gave your partner a choice, they’d say “ditch the porn”. You’re artificially handicapping the potential of your relationship.
Those of you who are not married (well, really, everyone), I’d say, “Stay away from it!!!” No one looks back on their life in their later years and says, ya know, I really wish I had watched more porn. Just doesn’t happen.
From a Biblical perspective, there are dozens of scriptural passages speaking to the dangers and pitfalls of sexual immorality (I’d heap masturbation on that pile, as well). The apostle Paul even calls out sexual immorality as a unique category of sin, in that all other sin a man commits, he commits against others, but the sin of sexual immorality he commits against his own body.
Bottom line, getting involved with porn ultimately leads to negative consequences that affect more than just you. It affects your family, friends, work, church, community, and yes, certainly your relationship with God. Don’t risk it.
I see this as a non issue in my household. My husband and I watch it together and separately. I think as long as it doesn’t affect everyday life then it’s not a problem. I would also like to say that marriage is a compromise and it should be discussed not dictated whether porn is watched or not. Just because the wife doesn’t like it that means he should just quit cold turkey? What if he says that the wife could no longer do something she enjoys because he has a problem with it? We all know that it would not be the end of the discussion. I look at porn almost daily but I’m not addict. I do it to keep spice in our bedroom. (Looking for tips. LOL!) I think the issue is something that should be discussed early in the relationship anyway so that there are no problems later. Communication is the key!
Seriously folks? This isn’t just about opinions. There are tombs of information PROVING that pornography negatively affects people in numerous ways on multiple levels, including altering the brain!
Ever watch the show “Hoarders”? Denial is abundant in every conceivable addiction and dysfunction arena, right along with the employment of situational ethics.
Healthy relationships of any kind require compromises of all shapes and sizes, but I don’t believe that issues involving addictions or deception belong anywhere on that list.
Everyone should be free to make their own choices, but doesn’t that include a person’s right to make an informed decision when choosing a mate?
If someone is honest about having a penchant for porn and I accept it, then all is good. But if my partner hides it because they think it might upset me, then they’ve taken away my fundamental right to choose.
If deception is unveiled in my relationship, I feel little to no obligation to compromise. There is no “I” in “WE”. What I do believe in is getting to the root cause of the issue, but both parties have to let go of egos, baggage, and pride
Because humans are flawed, it is virtually impossible to avoiding hurting the ones we love…but we should try.
Great Article. Please continue to spread the word about Pornography Addiction. The following article was published in our local news outlet about a couple and their fight to overcome addiction.
http://www.rhyllcroshaw.com/recovery-from-porn-addiction-is-possible/
You can learn more about the couple by visiting
http://salifeline.org/steven-and-rhyll-croshaw-speak-about-pornography-addiction/
Though porn-viewing can be innocuous in some cases, such as by singles or as a mutual couples’ activity, it’s generally negative. Think about the images: women as objects, degrading themselves for men’s pleasure. I’m no prude but it makes me sick. If men only knew how badly most women hurt when their man uses porn, they would stop==IF they really love their woman.
My old boyfriend had a stack of porn mags and tho’ it bugged me, I wasn’t that “in love” with him, so I let it slide. But my current husband watches porn DVD’s and our SON (at age 12) walked in while the idiot (my husband) was watching porn on the ‘net! I soon stopped THAT, as those sites are prime targets for spyware, malware and phishing, not to mention viruses. My husband was ashamed about being busted, but that didn’t stop him!
Despite many denials, I recently found MORE porn in “his” room (he’s a so slovenly, I can’t sleep with him any more–he smells and the room is a pigsty). Why am I still with him? I love him and keep hoping his therapy will work, but he keeps backsliding.
Porn is a sign that all is not right inside somebody’s head. Many rapists and even serial killers like Ted Bundy got started through porn. In a chilling interview, Bundy described his love of porn (and this was back in the old days, when it wasn’t NEARLY as bad as now!). I’m not saying porn will make a man into a serial killer or rapist, but if he’s got that tendency, it can escalate him.
SO what does that tell you about its influence? NOT GOOD! And it sucks for relationships, too! How do you know if your man is thinking of YOU and not some nameless big-breasted tart, when you’re making love?
Women have fantasies, too, and some like porn, but it’s usually not degrading. My housemates and I once got so fed up with our boyfriends’ porn, we put up a “Hunk-of-the-Month” poster (from Playgirl) on our fridge. You wouldn’t BELIEVE the outrage and shock from the guys! They called US “Sick” and “perverted”! Heh-heh…what’s good for the goose and all that, right?
So, ladies, try THAT the next time your hubby says porn is okay. Buy some porn for women and leave it next to the bed. I GUARANTEE he’s in for a shock! Not so great, is it, guys, when SHE’s into it?!
I’m curious. I’ve seen the word “compromise” thrown around quite a bit. Usually, it’s in the context of, “He likes porn. I do not. He should compromise, and not view it.” Where exactly is the compromise in that scenario? Isn’t compromise a halfway point between two differing opinions?
And, Gwyn, I disagree with most of the points you raise. Unless, of course, you can cite a source that backs up your assertion that “Porn is a sign that all is not right inside somebody’s head.”
Thanks.
My husband watches so much porn that I think it’s permanently etched in his eyeballs. I’m 58, he’s 35 and I’ve been telling him for a few years now, I said, “You know, Rick, the bible even says you should watch porn.” I told him, I said, “You gotta jack off in the name of the Lord, Rick.”
You wouldn’t believe how exciting the world has became since he watched Lord of the G-Strings.
I need help…
So i am completely against porn (no offense to anyone) ..it bothers me so much so that if i come accross it i immediately am upset and cry ((i know unhealthy)
I am really hurt to know that most to all men look at porn and especially my truely wonderful boyfriend (of course he says he doesnt but im sure)…but here is the thing…ive just recently tried to watch porn for the first time alone…and actually provided with me with my first O (allas i am one of those few women who have a hard time having a true orgasim)……so…why do i still cry and feel so invaded..since im TRYINg to see the good in porn..why dont i feel better>>????
I’ve known for a while that my husband watches porn on the Internet. I confronted him a few years ago with my discovery (I borrowed what I thought was a blank CD and it was filled with porn videos). He actually was sorry I was hurt, and said that it was an important stress reliever for him. I dropped the subject, but I checked his computer later to see how frequent it was, and he had started clearing his history.
Our marriage has gone downhill for other reasons, and I checked again and he’s been using daily (rare glimpse of his history, which is usually wiped). What upsets me is the type of porn he watches — it’s all about violent, deviant sex. Especially disturbing are the titles about men abusing their teen-age daughters (I know they are acting, but the point is there). I have a teen-age daughter from a previous marriage, so I’m just stunned and sickened.
Stress relief and getting off to beautiful women is one thing. But I don’t see how watching this particular type of porn is EVER OK. I’m about to leave him. Not just because of this. Rather, this discovery has finally nudged me to do what I’ve felt I’ve needed to do for years. The thought of him watching such horrible stuff just a few feet away from my daughter sleeping in her room is keeping me up at night. But I have to wait a few more weeks to break this off, and it’s killing me to say nothing…
Does anyone think it is OK for a man to get off, apparently daily or at least very frequently, to porn videos titled “daughter brutally hatef***ed” (and even worse) when he has a teen-age stepdaughter? (I haven’t watched these videos and don’t feel the need to. The titles say it all.)