One reason you may have difficulty forgiving is your pride or because you are still too angry. Or you don't want to be seen as weak. Perhaps you want your spouse to suffer. Additionally, forgiveness can be hard if you think that your mate is not having to pay any consequences for the hurtful behavior.
"Accepting that what happened to you really did happen is the first step. But it is the hardest step of all."
Source: Kathleen Griffin. The Forgiveness Formula: How to Let Go of Your Pain and Move On with Life. 2004. pg. 5.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to forget what your spouse did that hurt you. It doesn't mean that you have to trust your spouse or reconcile. Forgiveness doesn't mean that your partner won't have some consequences to pay for the pain caused. Forgiveness doesn't let others off the hook. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness.
Trixie Buckel: "Forgiving is the most difficult thing you ever have to do ... make sure you do it. Forgiving is like putting the cat out at night. Make sure you do it or you will be sorry in the morning. If you can't forgive, it eats away your guts. You can literally get an ulcer. Anger is one of the most useless emotions."
Source: Anne Naylor. "Trixie's 15 Tips For Living to 92." Huffingtonpost.com. 12/12/2009.
Nancy Schimelpfening, About.com's Guide to Depression, has a definition of forgiveness that is quite doable and an excellent exercise to help you let go of pain.
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.It frees you from anger, resentments and other unhealthy emotions.If you refuse to forgive others then really you are allowing the other person to control you through your own acts of anger, vengeance and hatred.
Break free, do your best to forgive and move on. Sometimes there is a lesson to be learned.It will make you the better person.
You will reap what you sow.
Very wise words, Steve!!
My mate confessed his wrongs and she “alledgedly” forgave him. he changed his ways for the better and promised himself never to cheat again… after around 3-3.5 years later they got married… he relised she wasnt as innocent as she painted her picture for him. he finds letters and numbers that she thought she got rid of… she swore to him she has never cheated or anything similar… turns out she lied. he is hurt and cant believe she lied to him all this time…
i believe she never forgave him if she had to retaliate….
He wants their relationship of 7 years to end because its a constant battle everyday since her history came out…
What advice can you guys give my mate?
The Bible speaks of forgiving 70 x 7. Where there is confession there should be forgiveness, just as our father in heaven will forgive us each time we sin and confess to him. We need to be just like Christ – he is merciful and forgiving, we need to walk in his footstep so we too can forgive and he will take away our pain.
Forgiving is giving up the hope that the past could be any different!
in my mind, forgiveness would leave me vulnerable to more hurt. if i do not forgive, perhaps i can protect myself from being vulerable again. it is not that i like being angry, or that i want to hold something over my spouses head, or that i want to hurt him back. i just don’t want to be seduced into trusting.