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Sheri & Bob Stritof

Living Without Sex

By September 11, 2013

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Back in 2003, an article in the U.K. by Mariella Frostrup, "Sexual Healing" caused a lot of comments on our Marriage Forum about living without sex.
The author's conclusion was, "Just saying no is not acceptable unless you are prepared to discuss it. You can't turn the other way for 10 years and expect someone to come home to you every night."

We started a poll and asked the question "Do you have a low sex marriage?" So far, out of around 24,350 votes, 88% are saying yes.

The comments on this blog post and reader submissions about the issue of no sex or low sex marriages reflect a great deal of heartache with no easy solutions.

Related:
     Is Sex Dead in Your Marriage?
     How to Talk About Sexual Problems
     Signs of a Low Sex Marriage
     Is Your Husband Not Interested in Sex?
     Book Review: Sex Starved Marriage

Comments
November 29, 2006 at 1:45 pm
(1) George H Zinn says:

I am 52 years old, single, and most likely to remain so indefinitely. I have experienced an ebb in my social life. I no longer need to date to feel adequate and confident in myself. It is all a state of mind and value in oneself. I have found that acceptance by others is not necessary, and, although I think women are beautiful, companionship is not an option or desire of mine. Sex is way overrated, and one can learn to cope and adjust to the single state with determination and discipline. I have no regrets that I have taken myself out of the marriage market for good. When people with good intents ask me why I don’t want marriage, they think I am gay or abnormal. I simply tell them that if we were all cut from the same cookie cutter, there would be no individuality. We don’t all have the same survival needs. I have found mine through community service, and a well-rounded and active social life, doing it all totally, enthusiastically, and permanently alone!!!!

May 13, 2007 at 3:43 am
(2) Dave says:

I am a marriage counselor, and years of experience with unhappy married women indicates that many women want no sex with their husbands shortly after marriage; and that is what I recommend for most couples: separate bedrooms and absolutely no sex for an indefinite period. The women are thrilled with this arrangement and develop their own social lives apart from their husbands; and this saves their marriage. My wife and I love each other, but we stopped sex altogether right after marriage and we are extremely happy. I am happy that my wife does not feel compelled to have sex, and neither do I. So no sex at all is great both for us and for most of my patients. I strongly recommmend that women simply explain to their husbands that they love them, but they want absolutely no sex ever with them. Many of the husbands are quite happy to have this discussion with their wives and live much more happily without any sex at all with their wives.

May 13, 2007 at 3:56 am
(3) Jane says:

I am married to a psychologist very happily. We both believe that marital sex is vastly overrated, and shortly after marriage, I decided that we would no longer have any sex with each other and that if the marriage is to continue, my husband would have to agree to sleep in a different wing of the house, such that we could come and go at night without disturbing the other. We have had no sex for 12 years, and we are both extremely happy, I with my complete freedom from having to have sex with my husband; and my husband, with his alone time. We are far more sexually attracted to each other by not giving in to sexual impulses, and both he and I enjoy the teasing and frustration that results. I highly recommend separate bedrooms and total abstinence from sex with one’s spouse as soon as possible after marriage. Our marriage is getting stronger every day.

July 22, 2007 at 3:27 pm
(4) anonymous says:

comments said above are ridiculous. you cannot argue with nature and the opposite sex is there for a reason. yes, sex is to procreate but it is also to show passionate appreciation for one another. deciding not to have sex with the one you love is an extreme act of greed. sure, you can decide not to have sex as often but to be able to share each other must happen sometime. a second bedroom would be ideal for temporary space but not to encourage a line in between the relationship. such sadness.

September 13, 2007 at 4:36 am
(5) Louisa says:

These Comments are way overrated and ridicilous to the core! I have been happily married to my husband for nine years and to hear that ones should decide to NOT HAVE SEX at all after marriage is just plain silly!

October 11, 2007 at 1:40 am
(6) lulu says:

RU kidding me!!! I think that Sex completes the connection that you have as a couple. I need it and crave it from my partner. He does not have the same drive as I do and it is driving me crazy. I do not push the issue but it has made me pull away and be distant with him. I wish that I could make him see that good mutual love involves intimacy!!

October 15, 2007 at 9:21 pm
(7) Marsha says:

It would be great if “no sex ever” really worked. My husband and I have a “no sex ever” non-verbal aqreement. I request, he declines, and so it goes. I feel unattractive, unwanted, unappreciated, and taken for granted. I used to grill him on his whereabouts and ask for constant reassurance that there is no one else (romantically). I now believe that he’s just happier not having sex, which breaks my heart. I don’t believe “no sex ever” is part of a good marriage.

October 21, 2007 at 3:19 am
(8) Gene says:

Ideally, to have sex in a marriage is a much richer relationship. Also, I feel it is O.K. not to have sex in a marriage too.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years, known each other for a total of 15 years. I’m 17 years younger than her. We are both are college-educated people and have no children. It is our first marriage for both of us. I like to stay physically active and she is the opposite.

I’m currently 38 and my wife lost interest of making love to me about 4 years ago.

I have asked her that I like to rekindle our love making, but to no prevail. I have come to the conclusion that there is a something deeper that causes her being withdrawn from me. She did come out saying that I’m not the cause to the no sex marriage.

I still feel rejected even though it is not me. There were times I wonder what is like to make love again. I had some women in the past have expressed interest in me, but I had to pull myself away from them. I really love my wife and I just cannot do it with any other women.

Meantime, I look to Dana Reeve’s (Superman’s wife) experience to help me to get through these days, weeks, months, and years.

I hope someday my wife and I can make love again.

December 11, 2007 at 1:53 pm
(9) Soares says:

What is a relationship between two people without sex, for me this is freindship, not marriage. The only thing that differenciate good friends and marriage couples is the sexual relation what presumes intimacy, desire and be completed by your loved one in total!

January 31, 2008 at 3:33 pm
(10) Anonymous says:

Dave wrote…

“what I recommend for most couples: separate bedrooms and absolutely no sex for an indefinite period. The women are thrilled with this arrangement and develop their own social lives apart from their husbands; and this saves their marriage.” You’re a marriage counselor? My God. Do you also council them to seek intimacy and sex outside of their marriage, since you’re counciling them to live in separate bedrooms and have separate social lives? Wait… is this even a marriage? Sounds like you’re a camp counselor.

January 31, 2008 at 3:38 pm
(11) Anonymous says:

Jane’s comments are not only ludicrous, the don’t even come close to rational advive for common people. I think Jane’s comment is actually a practical joke – touche.

February 19, 2008 at 1:14 am
(12) NobodyReally says:

I’ve been in a sexless relationship for almost a decade. it has finally broken my spirit. i feel ugly, unloved, unwelcome, inadequate, inconceivably alone, and as if the choice i am forced to make (do i sleep around and lose my marriage, or do i not sleep around and lose my sanity), is simply the worst abuse one could think up. because it locks me in an eternal battle with my conscience, who i am, and what i want from my life.
i feel dirty and selfish for wanting sex.
like i am some kind of prowling scavenger.
I am constantly in a state of humiliation because i have this basal need that is simply not on my husband’s list of things to do.
At times i thought of just walking out, but i then think i must be tremendously shallow if everything else is OK, except this, and I am thinking of giving up all we have for a few silly orgasms.
and other times i can really think of nothing else. every man i walk past makes me feel like a depraved animal, and i literally have to reel myself in to not approach him with a no-strings-suggestion.
I have never felt as out of control as I do now – as if I am too strong to keep in line. it scares me.
it’s like waking up as a bionic woman, and having no clue why you can walk straight through your own morals, your own values, and just NEED something so badly that you will risk everything to get it.

i’m not sure if i am making sense to anyone. but maybe there’s someone who feels the same way, and don’t have the words yet…

March 31, 2008 at 9:31 am
(13) I understand says:

Comment by Nobody Really … I understand 100% … and feel exactly as you do. Married 20 years the sex stopped more years ago than I care to remember … I ask myself do I trampel my values and seek releif or do I suffer … and suffer it is. The rest of our lives together is great, but it is never complete, never whole, never united as the Lord says “become one flesh ..” wonder why He would say such a thing, if sex was not meant by God to be part of marriage. I understand the lonelyness you feel for I feel it as well. The lonelyness leads to resentment and bitterness… To this day I still do not know why my advances are rejected… it is hard way to live…

April 20, 2008 at 5:54 pm
(14) I understand too says:

My husband also has no interest whatsoever in sex…however he has an ED problem but his doc says it is psychological. I am also feeling totally undesirable, ugly and wish I knew what was wrong with me. It makes it worse when he jokes with his friends about doing it alot at times of his life. Walking out? I have been considering it alot but do not want to leave him. I feel like I am just a roommate and many times do not even want to sleep with him in the same bed because of the utter frustration. I think no sex in a marriage is ok if both have no desire but when one does and the other has less than none, then what? I am at a loss and time will tell. I love him, but that love isn’t like the full love anymore without the intimacy. I know there are other ways to have closeness without him having to get an erection but that is non-existant too. Lonely life

April 28, 2008 at 9:41 pm
(15) charlotte says:

My Husband of 20 years is a wonderful man but he never iniates sex and I get tired of trying to get him interested. He would rather watch tv. He is 62 and I am 50. I love him as a person but feel like I am living my life to please him and not myself. We have a generation gap and rarely find something in common. But he is a wonderful man and I hate to hurt him.

May 26, 2008 at 6:07 pm
(16) UrPhrozen says:

I feel a little comfort in knowing that others feel as I do. I too love my wife, but wish she had a sex drive that is 1/2 as strong as mine. I hate the idea of cheating, but can’t think of any other choice.

May 28, 2008 at 11:43 am
(17) Hopeful says:

NobodyReallySays should write a book – what a great writer! The last five years of my marriage was without sex. Hard to say why, it just was. He was not very sexual and I was ok with that, he was a good man in every other way and I was at a point in my life when we met, that I thought it wasn’t that important. I was WRONG. It’s hard enough for men and women to live together and you need that intimacy at night to keep you close and connected to each other. Without it, we became distant roommates. I struggled for a long time too, thinking how foolish it is to give up everything else that is so good, just to be “close” to someone again. What if I never found someone again and ended up alone anyway, what’s the difference – at least I had a good friend to do things with. Then we decided we owed it to each other to let go and give each other the chance to find the romance that was obviously missing between the two of us. Well, it’s been another five years since my divorce and still no relationship, but at least I don’t go to bed feeling empty and inadequate. I’ve learned the importance of Sex in a marriage and am hopeful that I’ll find that one special person that I can share a “complete” relationship with.

May 31, 2008 at 3:57 pm
(18) Alex Picard says:

I am 35. I just celebrated my birthday in the month of May. I think physical relationship is certainly overrated in life. It is very important to have it, but not as much as media portrays it. I have not had physical relationship for past 13 years and I am just doing fine. I think it is indeed a state of mind. More you keep you mind occupied, more you will feel it is not necessary to get yourself hyper and feel uneasy to find a way to have sex. A desire to have sex, stems from the fact that your mind allows you to persistently think about it. If you “accumulate” time without having sex for more than a year or so and remain abstained from any act which involves masturbating, having sex with unknown person, having sex with a known person; etc, you will come to a point where you feel highly energetic, healthy and confident. Remember, ageing has everything to do with how men use their vigor. If one wastes it over 3 minute satisfaction, it is a waste according to me. I feel very proud for what and where I am.

June 23, 2008 at 10:38 pm
(19) Andy says:

My girlfriend wants to get married and we already have infrequent sex. This discussion is incredibly depressing.

June 28, 2008 at 3:41 pm
(20) d3dguru says:

What can I say? I’m 47, male, and I have been married for 22 years. Unfortunately for me, the wife has medical, and psychological problems, but she had them even before we got married. How little did I know… All my attempts with marriage councilors has failed. The wife simply refuses to participate, and the specialist think she has suffered a rape or trauma in her life, but.. they also admit they do not know what is entirely wrong. They recommended I seek a girlfriend after their talks with her. However, I was raised in a Neo-Christian home, and sex was for marriage, but not before, or outside of it. Divorce is out of the question in my family, My own father informed me; I would be disowned and bound for hell if I did such a thing. “Such wonderful support…” We have no kids, but we have every material thing money can buy. So where does it leave me? I feel unwanted, used, neglected, ugly, and useless. Over the years this has cost me my faith, and my sanity, but I press on… Although I feel that I have missed out on one of greater gifts life has to offer.

I just can’t understand it; the human body has many functions, but most of them we would die quickly if we abstained from them… such as “breathing, eating, so on.” Some are just discussing.. and most would prefer not to have them, such as “taking a crap, flatulence, or belching.”
But… I never see websites, or email adds to improve your farting life, or quality of deification? All humor aside. Nature has placed a great deal of importance on sex… otherwise, there would not be any of us here. So why is it so common to see men, and women with no love life? Why is it so hard to find a simple balance to something that should be a normal part of a healthy life? In some ways I feel the capitalist culture is largely to blame. Sex is a seller of goods… The Internet makes ton’s of money at the expense of people just like me. I get dozens of porn adds, and Viagra spam emails every day, but it’s so ironic… Too even look at a woman in the workplace will get you a sexual harassment suit in an instant. If you speak to a young girl your branded a “Pervert.” The church uses sex to control, dictate, and restrict. Marketing uses it it push its products. “What has this world come too?” Just to add to the frustration; A few years ago my wife got a dog, and two cats. Her compassion, and feelings for them has replaced me, I can not touch her, nor get near her. I am also highly allergic to them, and must remain in a closed room. We sleep in different rooms, but I must do the basics for her, “groceries, cooking, maintenance of the house”.

Perhaps I seem as a fool? Maybe I am? Is divorce the only answer, and the only choice? Is a life totally alone without sex a better option?
I can only dream of what a real sex life would be like… I must stand in the shadows and watch as others experience fulfillment? All of this has left me empty and full of regret…

I have no fear of hell… because I already live in it.

July 2, 2008 at 3:37 am
(21) free-at-last says:

I was married for 20 years. When we were first married I was 20 and he was 27. He was the first for me but I was one of many for him. When we first got married sex happened about 2-3 times/week. If I tried to initiate anything he would push me away. So I stopped trying. Then all I heard was how he gets tired of initiating sex. I told him sorry but you made it this way and this is the way it is. After about 15 years of marriage it happened about once/month. I felt as many of you do. I felt ugly. I thought our lack of sex what all because of the way I looked. Once I started thinking about divorce, I realized that sex was a way for him to have power over me. He could physically have all the signs of wanting to have sex but he would tell me no. Now in my new relationship I have to deal with these demons. It seems to me that if two people decide together that they will not have sex in their relationship or if an individual decides for themselves with no relationship involvws then that is fine. When one person makes the decision in a relationship then that is when there is a problem.

July 13, 2008 at 11:45 am
(22) babypink says:

I can relate to so many of these comments…

d3dguru says that ‘I can only dream of what a real sex life would be like… I must stand in the shadows and watch as others experience fulfillment?’ and I feel exactly the same way.

My husband is a loving, caring person, just not sexually. I would love to be romanced. I would love to feel sexy. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do – it doesn’t make any difference. I hate to say it, but if I knew marriage was going to be like this, I might have re-considered it. Now that I am married, I can’t just throw it all away. I am catholic and do believe that marriage is for life. But I find it hard to understand how to make it a happy relationship. I hate myself for thinking it but sometimes I think about having an affair or leaving my husband. We do have a good relationship in other areas but I REALLY have to focus on those, otherwise I start to go crazy.

July 14, 2008 at 9:31 pm
(23) Twenty Three says:

As a man living in a marriage devoid of intimacy, it is reassuring to read the comments here. I find it intriguing that despite all the different stories, there is still a single theme which emerges: There is great conflict between our natural instincts and our conscious decisions, ultimately leading to feelings of guilt. Whether it is out of religious belief, social conditioning or respect for our partners, we are all at loggerheads with our natural desires. When faced with a lack of sex, the tendency is to question why you want it. Try to rationalise it in your mind and it’s simply a messy exchange of bodily fluids which frankly you must be some sort of freak for wanting so much. Thus we brand ourselves as weird for wanting to do it. Of course, it’s all very much more complicated than this and so completely NOT about an exchange of bodily fluids. My only conclusion thus far, is that it’s actually not very easy being a human.

July 16, 2008 at 1:39 pm
(24) John D. says:

Dave and Jane’s comments are absurd. Dave, if you’re the kind of person that gets work as a marriage counselor these days, I think they need to revamp the system. God help any of us if we wind up going to someone like you for help in a marriage. As for Jane – I do hope your comment was a sarcastic joke, but if not, you’re not bolted in too tight either. Having a sexless marriage is obviously the LEAST of your problems.

July 18, 2008 at 5:40 am
(25) Someday says:

I have been in a sexless marriage for about 3 years now. And it has been very hard to stop thinking about sex. I get really sad when I think about it. Its like, “Man, this sucks ass!” I have to find things to do to keep me busy. I love my wife so much, and I just want to please her, but shes never in the mood. We talked about it, and she just says “I dont feel like it” and I’m thinking, “WTF!” Are you serious? It gets to the point where I start telling my friends and co-workers about it and that bad because I know I shouldn’t be saying anything. But I hold my feeling in and I just have to say something. It gets to a point where I start looking at other women and I start thinking what I want to do with them. And thats all bad. Because I know if I had a chance to do it. I probably would. If you know what I mean. Good think I haven’t done anything yet. It just sucks that I can’t even have sex or make love with my wife. Well, someday it will have. I just don’t know if it will be with my wife. So sad, but what can I do. I’ll just have to tough it out.

July 18, 2008 at 11:54 am
(26) blue says:

Comment on Nobody Really…I totally understand and I feel the same way. I’m relieved to read comments like these, to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. I can’t believe how much a lack of sex affects me. But it’s not just a lack of sex, it’s a lack of intimacy. There are so many things couples do that I don’t do with my husband. I feel like I’m missing out on a part of a relationship I’m supposed to have because I’m married. It’s so much harder being married than I ever thought it would be. I have tried to talk to my husband about the way the lack of sex is affecting me, but he just gets upset. I think if it were me in the same position I’d at least consider the feelings of my husband. I sometimes fantasise about previous relationships I’ve had and the chemistry I had with other men. I need that. After going through all the self-questioning and now knowing that there’s nothing wrong with me, I still have something missing, and there’s a sense of sadness with that. I used to think there was something I could do to make my husband want me more. I went away with a girlfriend for six days to another state and I thought that when I returned he might have missed me enough to want to make love to me, but no. He said he missed me but that was it. I was bitterly disappointed and I started to lose hope of things ever changing between us. I’m not sure if I can stay married to my husband if the relationship is toxic for me. Am I just looking at it in the wrong way? Am I being selfish? Shouldn’t I at least be happy?

July 19, 2008 at 4:18 pm
(27) I am Amazed says:

I am totally amazed with what i have been reading. I thought I was the only one. My husband and I have had sex 3 times within the last 5 years. After we married, we didn’t have sex until a year later.

I never ever imagined in my wildest dreams – or should I say – nightmares, that I would be in a marriage like this.

I too, am with a man who is good in just about every other way. Some of the wives’ of his friends envy me because I don’t have to work and my husband is such a good provider. Little do they know that I am a raging ball of sexual frustration.

I understand what some of the other women have written about feeling dirty or ashamed to be thinking about sex so frequently. I have seriously questioned if it is ridiculous to leave a marriage due to lack of sex. But sometimes I think that it is really much more than that. It is particular form of cruelty in my opinion. Especially considering the fact that my husband seems to have no problem with our lack of sex. He never brings it up. He never asks for it. I cry, I explain how I feel, I cry some more, I get angry, but to no avail. He promises that things will get better but he never makes a move.

I am 36 years old and this is not what I signed up for. When I made those vows, I did not agree to a life of abstinence. I also did not agree to transforming into a bitter, sex deprived woman who has gotten to the point where I can’t stand to hear my husband breathe sometimes.

I seriously don’t know how we can possibly recover from something like this. Keep in mind, I used to ADORE this man. But now, I am a severely insecure person who has a secret life which, unfortunately, brings on another host of problems.

Thank you to the person who started this thread. It feels good to share and to know that you are not the only one.

July 20, 2008 at 5:10 am
(28) Jason says:

I recently filed for divorce from my wife and after reading some of the previous entries, I have to say that I’m glad I’m not the only one who is upset in a “no sex” marriage.

I married this girl right after I got out of college and I seriously thought she was the one for me. I loved her. But when we finally got a place of our own (an apt, not a house), the “honeymoon” wore off and real life started.

Well she had been fired from two decent paying jobs and after that, I finally broke down and said I wanted a divorce. In the three years we’ve been married, we never once had sex. We “tried,” (“Tried” means maybe being in bed, but no clothes came off! She would freeze up!!) but it just never happened. I steadily overtime quit saying “I love you” and just was not attracted to her anymore.

I’m in my late 20′s and in the prime of my “sexual life.” This woman has “burned” me, and quite frankly, I’m the happiest I’ve been in over a 1.5 years after giving her the boot!!!!

All I can say is that my chances of re-marrying are slim to none. I will/may have future girlfriends, but no wives. If an “accident” occurrs, I WILL NOT marry her. I’ll support the child as my own (obviously I don’t have any children). I guess the best I can hope for a “Screw buddy.” No strings attached.

July 31, 2008 at 1:08 pm
(29) Kev says:

I’m a 50 year old guy. 2nd marriage with same sexless problem. 1st marriage I didn’t foresee the sexless life happening. 2nd marriage I looked for signs and my wife was great before we tied the knot. Treated me like a king. She would say things like “how can your 1st wife not want sex with you? i love you, you’re great” Year later sex started slowing down. She would say little things like” come on, things slow down when you get older” (at the time I was 40, her 34. Before people get on my ass, I did do “the little things” that she likes and make her feel guilty to have sex.
Now we’re in counseling, she said that she wouldn’t mind if she never had sex again for the rest of her life.
I feel for the women that wrote that their husbands don’t want them and at the same time I don’t believe it, sorry.
Why can’t I meet women that want sex, no such thing that’s why.
2 months ago we had sex, since I don’t know when, and I did all the work.
I want to be seduced too!
Since I not using my real name, thank god for craig’s list.
And my wife truly wonders why men go to hookers.

July 31, 2008 at 1:15 pm
(30) kev says:

correction above;
, I did do “the little things” that she likes and NOT make her feel guilty to have sex

August 1, 2008 at 1:06 pm
(31) babypink says:

Kev you are wrong. There are women who want to have sex. Saying that, is the same thing as ‘all men like to have sex’.

August 1, 2008 at 5:06 pm
(32) kev says:

babypink, I agree with you. I’m lonely and sad and I felt like I’ve been tricked. My wife use to be wild and fun and thats long gone. I’m older than her but she has become an old lady mentally. I relate to your story. NobodyReally’s story (#12) nailed it on the head for me! Thats me when she wrote,
“i feel dirty and selfish for wanting sex.
like i am some kind of prowling scavenger.
I am constantly in a state of humiliation because i have this basal need”.
I hate being in this life sucks mode. I feel like a nobody.
Forgot where I heard this; Sex is like money, when you have a lot of it, you don’t really think about. When you don’t have a lot of it, thats all you think about.

August 3, 2008 at 3:04 am
(33) goingcrazy says:

I feel SO relieved to find this thread. Babypink, your post could have been written by me! If I knew how much suffering I would have due to my sexual relationship (or LACK thereof) with my husband, I wouldn’t have married him, even though he’s a great guy in every other way. It started the first weekend of our marriage, and I have felt so cheated ever since– I had never had sex before, and he had had many partners. I wonder why I waited. Sometimes I feel that I will go crazy! I’m such a loyal person, but it’s driven me to struggle with thoughts about other men and what it would be like to be with them. I even wish I could take a lover just so I could have that need met. We want to have children, but I don’t know how that’s going to happen. I’m so unhappy, and really the lack of sex is our big issue– he’s great in most other ways.

August 3, 2008 at 12:16 pm
(34) cleopatraunfulfilled says:

I have read the comments from both men and women and I truly believe that most of these poor people are simply with the wrong person. Often initially we are attracted sexually to another person, but after a time it becomes evident there is nothing left in common to sustain the relationship. Must be the reason I am in this situation now!

August 13, 2008 at 6:09 pm
(35) d3dguru says:

It is so unfortunate some human beings can not perform the most basic of natural functions in a marriage. I gave over 20 years of my life to a woman who would not even kiss me. Now after questioning the reality of our sexless marriage, she has shown me the door. I hope the best for all here, and those whom read these posts. I wish that you all can find happiness in the future. I have failed to solve the problems of mine, and now I walk the road of life alone.

August 14, 2008 at 1:55 pm
(36) Lael says:

It is unfortunate for anyone to live in a *sexless marriage* you feel unloved, unwanted, unattractive etc. I have lived in a predominately sexless marriage for 20 years. I’ve luckily had 1 child out of 100x of so called intimacy in 20 years. It is the cruelest existence to live, with heartache galore. He finds excuses, reasons and promises to make time, it never ever happens and barely likes to be touched. I get a perfunctory kiss in the morning, hug when he gets home (only if pressed to have physical contact)on occasion I get a kiss at night. Then cannot understand why I have a hard time sleeping near him at night, I wander down to the sofa and cry. He doesn’t make the changes, been to a ton of counselors… I keep hearing *your my Wife, why did you leave @3AM?* It is so baffling that a man can be that clueless and freaks out about sex! I do not want to live unfulfilled as a woman anymore, it is a lonely walk. He has chased off friends and family…and even our child. He appears to have a bitterness inside over intimacy and being a Father…and no he’s not gay. Though I thought he was years ago or having an affair, he was outraged over the thought, he just has no desire for sex or thinks it dirty (Catholic upbringing) some guilt complex. All I can say is, don’t let this happen to you! I had no idea when I married him, there were no signs that it would ever be this way, and be tortured for the duration of 20 years. I am starting from *scratch* now, making a very separate life for myself, I cannot afford to live by myself (nor can he) even though I desire a divorce, it is in the truest sense…*A Marriage of Convenience*…and so it goes.

August 15, 2008 at 1:12 pm
(37) Cricket says:

If you place any credibility on the bible, this is what it has to say about it…

The cessation of sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife is, “according to Gods law”, a functional termination of a marriage. Understand; sexual intimacy is not just a carnal act for procreation or for physical pleasure. It is the ultimate act of fusion that a husband and wife can ever possibly have. It is the glue that holds a marriage together. Sex is the act that brings in its wake an overwhelming tidal wave of positive emotion that is capable of sewing a husband and wife together as one flesh. A marriage without physical intimacy is not natural. I do not say this to chastise or embarrass, I am merely stating a human truth. Like an anorexic that refuses to eat, a marriage without the sustenance gained through sexual and physical sharing is lacking in essential nutrients that it needs to thrive and prosper. As a result, it is severely undernourished, and it is wasting away to a mere shell.

August 15, 2008 at 11:57 pm
(38) Senecus says:

Hello Cricket-is there a chapter and verse for that and if so what translation(or paraphrase)-or is this from a denominational text,just curious of the authorship. It’s a very good summation and agree with it whole-heartedly.

August 19, 2008 at 11:08 am
(39) Nothing says:

NobodyReally & IAmAmazed have summed it up for me.

I have had no sexual contact with my husband for 3 years – or with anyone for that matter.

It’s all been said before, but I’d like to thank NobodyReally for saying she felt ‘out of control’ now. I feel exactly and totally the same. What is happening to me?? I feel like I could go off the rails at any moment. I constantly crave sex and I am now actively looking for an affair. There I said it. I can’t take it anymore…I could cry at any moment, but try to cry only when I’m in the shower and it doesn’t show.

No-ones mentioned masturbation, have they? Everytime I do it, I cry. I used to cry because I wanted my husband, but now I cry because I’m so unhappy and feel so awful.

August 19, 2008 at 2:32 pm
(40) Scared says:

I feel completely lost and overwhelmed with fear. I CAN’T get a divorce. We just had the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seen, and I will never divorce and do to this precious child what my parents did to me. Nothing that I could go through by abstaining from sex would be as bad as putting my baby through a divorce. Plus, I love my husband SO much. He is my best friend, and I admire him and love to talk with him.

So what do I do? I, too, feel ugly and unwanted. It makes me so angry because I know that other men find me extremely good-looking…everyone but my husband…and he’s all that matters. I see him check out other women, and I know he would like to have sex with them because they’re different. He prefers looking up porn alone on the internet every night, and he says getting head feels better than sex. He’s told me that he feels little emotional connection through sex, but that’s the best part for me. He would have sex with me if I asked, but who would want to have sex with someone who would prefer not to? I feel like he’s doing me a favor when he have sex. How can he be so sexually active but just not want to be with me?

I want to throw a rock at the T.V. every time the husband on Everybody Loves Raymond begs his wife for sex. Until I read this website, I thought I was some freak of nature woman who wanted sex more than her husband. I cried when I read that there were other women out there. I need to know what to do to make this marriage work. I’m in such a bad mood all the time and so angry at him that I’m starting to get worried. I need to talk about it with my family and friends, but I would never embarass him like that. We’re only in our twenties so it will only get worse, won’t it?

Nothing: I cry, too. And I’ve stopped imagining my husband when I go because it’s too difficult to imagine what used to be. The guilt of mentally cheating on someone is pretty crappy. I never used to do that.

August 20, 2008 at 3:00 pm
(41) Nothing says:

Oh Scared. You love your baby, that’s wonderful. If you can grow that baby and let it know that you love it unconditionally, that will be half the battle. :)

Wow. I sounded like a madwoman in my earlier post! I just put it from my head into the comment box and hit ‘send’. Sometimes it’s the only way to do it before you lose confidence.

It must be very difficult to be aware that your husband is looking up porn at night. I have nothing against porn (more than happy to watch it as a couple) but to regularly watch it *instead* of sex with a partner is not good. Having said that, my husband might be doing the same thing, but I’m just not aware of it. ::shrugs::: It sounds like your husband has some kind of an emotional problem Scared…his actions just don’t add up. :(

For myself, why would I want to have sex with someone who’s only *going through the motions*? It’s taken three years, but I really don’t think I WANT to have sex with my husband any more. The idea of having sex with someone who isn’t really that into it makes me feel ill.

What makes it worse for me is that my husband tells me he loves me ten times a day and is always touching me affectionately. And he’s a very good provider. But no sex.

It’s so hard to weigh it up without feeling like a shallow, craven, bitch for thinking these thoughts. And yet, I do think them.

I think if I was younger (I’m 45) I wouldn’t put up with it so easily. These things do not resolve themselves and I could easily see that someone might throw their lives away waiting for ‘things to get better’.

August 21, 2008 at 10:22 am
(42) babypink says:

Kev, I feel like I just want to have meaningless sex with you and all the other men on this site. I know that sounds terrible but that’s the way I feel. I feel guilty for even saying it. I need to change something in my life or I think I’m going to do something I’ll regret.

August 21, 2008 at 3:37 pm
(43) IntheSameBoat says:

I am in the same boat as many other wives.. I am married to a man that has no sex drive what-so-ever.. and I am like an 18 year old guy.. I ahve a good healthy sex drive, so I am dealing with all the same emotions.. Tossing up the idea of getting divorced. I have spoken to my husband about it and he makes an ttempt, but who wants pitty sex, not me !

August 24, 2008 at 12:59 pm
(44) bummedout says:

It has been interesting reading these posts. I have a similar relationship to many that have commented. My Husband is a wonderful man and I am trying to figure out if the good outweighs the bad. We dated a very long time and I knew he had a very low libido. I accepted this because his sense of touch and the intimacy was acually not very good or fulfilling anyway. He is such a good man, that I thought I could be okay with it. In the back of my mind, I wondered if it had anything to do with Catholic guilt and perhaps it would get better. We married because we decided we wanted to have kids and it seemed the right thing to do. Unfortunately, 5 years later, no kids…. and we have made no improvements on the intimacy front. He does have physical issues but hasn’t done much to improve that either. We truly care about one another but really are like roommates. The attraction has waned (it was never that strong, frankly.) So here I am trying to decide what my next move should be. I feel lonely and empty and very sad right now…

August 26, 2008 at 2:11 pm
(45) realneurotiq says:

Everyone is different,

i liked this post till the arguing started, what if like me you have a thing for chastity? and the idea that teasing is what you get due to some contraption is actually better than sex?

sex doesn’t have to be robotic and always consist of protocol intercourse, it could very well be torturous and drive you crazy.

I’m in the market for a CB6000, I plan to jb weld the lock shut. I dunno, the point I’m trying to send across is what if they are both into that? I knew girls that hated normal sex, it did nothing for them, not even orgasm. But when they were doms it changed everything.

Relationships are as different as everyone in the world, two hindis as soul mates may wish to have a “pure” relationship and become closer to Krishna together, or two extravagant deviants may want to lock one another up for a while to show them that they love them. I wouldn’t mind a girl hooking me up to a gyroscope when I got home from work, and humiliate me in front of friends and family, that is a good healthy relationship.

I find sex to be boring personally, being male and 21 this is a pretty extreme statement.

One thing that exceeds the importance of sex, is the genuine love for each other’s personalities and companionship, one factor of a relationship cannot mean everything, but it can be as important as any other.

August 27, 2008 at 2:27 am
(46) Dukem says:

I’ve been married to a low libido woman for 17 years. With the exception of our sex life/physical intimacy, I really enjoy being married to my wife. I’m not sure what to do. I love my wife, she’s a good person and makes me want to be a better person. That said, she has almost no desire and absolutely no imagination. For example, almost 3 months after asking her for an idea of something different to do (rather than the same old missionary in our bedroom) and I’m still waiting for her answer (yes, I do reminder her every now and again). It hurts me that she can’t even put the thought into it. To make matters even worse, she is also not a very physical person. I am usually the one giving hugs or kisses and when I ask her to remember that I would like to get them too she says ‘ok’ then never does it. I find it hard to believe that after 17 years of me asking for spontaneous kisses or hugs (not to mention sex) that she can’t remember.

The thing that hurts me most is her telling me ‘no’ on a regular basis. Usually when I mention to her that it’s been a while and we should have sex again she says something along the lines of ‘tonight when the kids go to bed’. Then when it’s time, she conveniently forgets that we were going to have sex and is too *insert lame excuse here*. Then after she is asleep I go masturbate to ‘relieve’ myself.

After the kids are grown up, I’m not sure what I’ll do.

I think I’ll go quietly cry now.

September 1, 2008 at 3:55 am
(47) irishbill1954 says:

when it comes to sex.i belived i measured myself by my conquests i stopped counting after 300 partners [all female]…i was or should say am VERY good at what i do or did.ihave never been anywhere where i have not been invited back.PLEASE DONT GET ME WRONG.i have lost interest. nothing excites me any more so the thing is what do you do ???????????

September 3, 2008 at 12:41 am
(48) hurtandconfused says:

I guess I blame myself…I was guilty of not giving my husband what he needed…sex…I turned him down so many times that he built a wall and now I have finally figured out my problem…self esteem issues and have worked on them…now I want my husband more than ever, but he has a wall so high I don’t know if we can get through it..I love him and he tells me that he loves me and can’t think of ever living without me…but it breaks my heart to know that I have pushed him this far when nothing in the world would make me happier than to have him hold me again and tell me he loves me. I miss my love and hope counseling will help us through…but it hurts to know that what I am feeling now is what he has felt all these years…I don’t know if a million apologies will ever make up for what I have done.

September 5, 2008 at 5:02 pm
(49) Teresa says:

It is so nice to read the messages. I have been married for 28 years and have not had sex with my husband for 15 years. I hate it….But, I am thankful I am not alone. Thank you to all who share my pain.

September 7, 2008 at 4:03 pm
(50) Senecus says:

Wow- things blew open here since I last left a comment! Truly empathize with all of you that posted here! Have written in detail in a post at http://www.deardiarrhea.wordpress.com on my low sex-life situation-worth a read.(Not plugging here-just to much to paste for a post). What I find amazing is all the women who have partners not interested in sex!! WTF! I’m male,just hitting 50,in great shape(take care of myself)and never considered stopping since I first raised a stiff one! I always thought “Who WOULDN’T want to make love given the opportunity”(Well I know one now-my 46 yr old wife). And I thought I had it bad grubbing to get at least once a week(if possible)-some of you here going YEARS without it-God bless you-I couldn’t take it! Someone brought up masturbation-sure- we all can wack-off or ladies can have a toss with a vibrator or dildo-but we all know it’s more than that. It’s the connection between two bodies-people-who want to please and be pleased in an expression of love-connecting at all levels-physical,emotional and spiritual. Which is why even those of us here who do “get it”(laid) on occasion we still feel deprive because it was nothing more then “animal action”(mechnical)done with an “OK,I did you a favor” attitude. It’s like I’ve said of my situation-”I could get more action out of an inflatable doll(or RealDoll)than my wife”. Why is it so many are sexually mismatched???

September 11, 2008 at 3:12 pm
(51) Ended up leaving says:

I divorced my husband a year ago after experiencing everything the women in this forum went through. It is just absolutely awful to be with someone that won’t acknowledge you.

Women all around, it is just not worth it. I can’t believe people put up with it for so many years. You end up destroying yourself and nothing good comes out of it. If you are unhappy about it now, you will be in fifteen years. People hardly ever change, and sex issues are usually caused by deeper issues than we know. In my case, counseling just made it worse. He felt pressured and stopped all together.

Eventually, after all the crying, and negotiating, and suffering, I had a business trip and ended up cheating on him. I felt guilty, but also stronger. I realized I was still beautiful, young and attractive, and I did not deserve this. That is when I felt strong enough to ask for a divorce.

Divorce sucked, but it feels so much better than being married. There is no pressure in my life anymore. I don’t have a boyfriend, but I will. This time around, I will make sure to recognize how important sex is. REALLY!!

September 13, 2008 at 10:22 am
(52) Senecus says:

Amazing….yet another woman whose husband(now former)forgot that his weenie is for more than just peeing. As a man (married to a dud) I don’t understand it.

September 13, 2008 at 4:34 pm
(53) Richard says:

My wife has repeatedly apologised for the fact that she does not feel sexually aroused when I do/am, she even asked me if it is normal for her to feel this way. We make love sometimes, I spend a great deal of attention trying to satisfy her, and we end up feeling satisfied…

But it happens once a month, when I am “lucky” that is… I love her too much and have told her more then once how I feel;

Now I could spend money on sexual fulfillment, but somehow that feels very very wrong.

What should I do?

September 14, 2008 at 5:27 pm
(54) He said She says:

George, Dave and Jane:

With such crazy logic, I guess it is good you’re not breeding!!

September 16, 2008 at 1:12 pm
(55) petr1968 says:

This is silly. I have been with a woman for six years, and for the majority of the time we have not had any sexual relations.
It is rediculous. She is much more interested in TV, or the gym, than in me. I feel like the frustrated neglected housewife. I wish I could find a woman that was interested in me.
I do not need sex to feel like a man, I need the sexuality to feel connected, alive. Sex is more than just copulation and ejaculation for me. You experience really great sex in your genitals and your toes, your elbows, your nose (if you are having great sex, you understand this analogy; if not, my condolences to you).
I am tired of masturbation, and my PC is overflowing with porn; none of which is a worthy substitution.
If you are not experiencing intimacy, you might as well be dead.

September 17, 2008 at 9:36 am
(56) Senecus says:

This morning(we’re both off today) I got the “I have a yeast infection” line-the one used when too lazy to make love.Hey petr1968,you don’t say if your married,have kids,ect(complicated situation). This may sound heartless, but unless she’s Playboy bunny material and you really get off just looking at her-heave ‘er overboard,laddie! Relationships of convenience suck.

September 17, 2008 at 9:46 am
(57) Senecus says:

Gotta comment on first 3 posts-George truly sounds like die-hard priest material and Dave and Jane are either a joke or space cadets!

September 17, 2008 at 11:28 am
(58) flip says:

hurtandconfused, you could be my wife. After 14 years of constant rejection – not to mention the lambasting for being such a pig – I am now the one with no fire in the stove. You’re right – it’s a terribly, terribly high wall. I can’t give you any positive suggestions. I don’t think your husband would really care, if he’s like me.
I am now comfortable with my sexless existence; I feel I squandered the best years of my sexual prime away as it is. “Sorry” doesn’t wind back the clock.
You know, I used be so sexually frustrated that I thought I would have an aneurism. My wife’s rejection was like a kick in the solar plexus. If I so much as brushed her arm in bed, she’d flip out. Whenever I tried to compliment her, flirt with her, or hug her, at best she’d simply stiffen up. Usually she’d get blisteringly angry with me. Why didn’t I go out and have an affair? Simple – her emotional abuse convinced me that I wasn’t worthy of sexual satisfaction.
So, now the tables are turned, and she has “discovered” her sexual being. It was my problem when I was the horny b*stard; it’s still my problem.
I just don’t care. I don’t give a damn about her or her apologies. Day late, dollar short. The youngest is in grade 10 and will be out of the house in 2 years, followed by me 30 minutes later.

September 20, 2008 at 1:22 pm
(59) Sleepless in Reno says:

Wow! I’m so amazed that there’s as many people out here (men AND women) that are going through what I’m going through! I thought I was alone… LOL how blind I am.

Like many of you, I love my husband. He’s a wonderful man, and we have a great relationship. He’s affectionate, he kisses me and tells me that he loves me. He’s great with my kids (the youngest one is 15 and still at home), he calls them his kids and I dare anyone to tell him that they’re not his family. He’s loyal, personable and amazing… and totally ambivolant to sex. Well, let me rephrase that… to sex with ME. He doesnt cheat (that I’m aware of), he just likes his porn. Movies, internet, text pictures… whatever. But when it comes to sexual contact with me, well, you get the picture.

He told me once that it was like work, because I tried so often. After he said that, I pretty much quit trying as often. I got to the point eventually where I stopped trying at all. Rejection was just too much. Am I disgusting? Am I unattractive? don’t I deserve to feel loved physically? DO I STINK??

I understand, when all else fails, masterbation is the way to ease SOME of the ache… but what if you’re like me? what if you can’t bring yourself to orgasim, no matter HOW hard you try? What if the only way you can get off, is with help from a partner?? He says its not his fault that I can’t bring myself relief. He says I’m not trying hard enough. HE SAYS….

Why is it always what HE says, thats the ruleing factor? I’m so dead set against cheating. I’ve always said that if a person is going to cheat, why stay? Leave the relationship. Now I don’t know. Over the last few weeks, my sexual need has gotten worse then it’s been in the last 8 years that I’ve been with my husband… and I’ve considered finding a lover. I had an add written up for Craigs list, but I deleted it before it posted. I’m flirting with a guy from work, but when it comes down to actually making it more then flirting, I stop myself. I’m right on the brink of no turning back… and the sad thing is, I really question my values now. I don’t want to leave my marriage, but I’m starting to have these thoughts more often.

I guess on top of feeling unwanted and undesirable, I’m now feeling guilty and like a piece of crap for thinking about finding the ONE thing I’m missing at home, with someone else.

September 20, 2008 at 9:14 pm
(60) LonelyWife says:

I, too was completely shocked to see all the comments on this board. I thought I was the only one.

I married my husband 5 years ago, despite signs that he was not very interested in sex. He was a good match and a good man otherwise and I thought things would improve. We’ve had two children, and that must have been by some miracle of God, because the sex was very infrequent.

It turns out there were physical reasons for his lack of sexual drive. Doctors found a benign tumor on his pituitary gland — called a prolactinoma. We learned that this condition is actually very common in both men and women and the tumors usually can be controlled with medication. One doctor told me that this condition is one of the most overlooked medical conditions because these tumors grow at such a slow rate — sometimes over a period of 10-15 years. Ice skater, Scott Hamilton has shed some light on this condition recently because he had it.

This condition can easily be detected in men by doing a simple blood test to measure the amount of prolactin in a man’s blood. Years before we met, my husband had been blown off by two different doctors who told him his lack of sex drive was “all in his head” and didn’t bother to do any tests.

I convinced my husband to go to a third doctor, and this doc finally did the blood test which found the extremely high prolactin count. They tried giving my husband the medicine, but his tumor was so big (the size of a lemon) that it ended up bleeding internally and he had to have emergency surgery to remove the tumor. His pituitary gland was damaged when the tumor was removed and he now has to be on many different medications for life.

The tumor did permanent damage and my husband is now very, very, forgetful, has gained a ton of weight, gets angry easily, and has absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever.

I wrote all the details about our experience in hope that some of you ask your doctor about his condition. Maybe your mate has this same condition, and maybe a doctor will catch it early so you won’t end up with permanent damage like my husband did.

I have had no sexual intimacy of any kind for three years now – no sex, no kisses, no hugs, no touching, no compliments, nothing!
I stay with my husband because we made the vow to be together “in sickness and in health”, we have two young children, he is a good provider, and when he is not having an “angry moment” he is a good man and because I feel so incredibly guilty that all this has happened to him.

But, inside, I feel exactly as so many of you have described — ugly, unwanted, unacknowledged, desperate, like a sex-addicted prowling scavenger. No one knows about our little marriage secret; not family, not friends. I have never spoken to anyone about my feelings, and I am just ready to burst from the inside out!

I am so afraid that one day I won’t be able to control the desire anymore. I find myself completely obsessing over what it would be like to have a man hold my hand, tell me I’m beautiful, whisper in my ear, touch me, kiss me, hold me, make love to me and hold me again. It is absolute torture!

I LOVE men! – their voice, their bodies, their chests, the way they move, the way they look at a woman when they love her, desire her, the way they smell (with and without cologne!) Sometimes when I am running errands or at a store and a man gets close to me, I have to control myself not to just lose control right then and there.

I stay-at-home full-time now with our children, but I had a part-time job for a little while, and that made me realize how much I am suffering. I would see some of the men “check-me-out” at my work, and that just made me feel even guiltier because my husband has absolutely no interest in me. I had such a thing for my boss and it took A LOT of self control for me to always keep things on a professional level. And “no” nothing ever happend with him. I’ve never had an affair with any other man. I’ve been able to maintain control for three years now, and I am suffering. How am I going to go on for another year? three years? five years? ten years!?!?!?

Sorry to be so long winded. I am just relieved to find others who are going through similar circumstances, and hope that we can all endure this torturous existence.

I’ve prayed to God for answers, but so far, not a word in response.

September 21, 2008 at 5:00 pm
(61) Senecus says:

Sleepless in Reno -so sorry for you. Your husband has a very identifiable problem-Porn Addiction-its Not benign. You’re competing with millions of hot, slutty babes that he’s probably jerking off to. He needs help-especially since you’ve indicated you’re attractive and quite willing!!

September 21, 2008 at 11:05 pm
(62) blacknsweet says:

I felt such a relieve to see men and women going through the same situation as me! I thought I was a sex freak, a dirty whorish wife; that it was not normal for women to have such strong desires for their husbands and not get a reaction from them. I come from a culture in which the belief is that all a women has to do is hint at her man the desire to have sex and he would just jump to the opportunity! how wrong I was! I learned that with my husband.

we have been married for 5 years. i am 25 he is 31. In the beginning the relationship was filled with passionate kisses lots of hugs and romance lots of foreplay. within the first year of marriage sex went from once a week to once a month and the passionate kisses disappeared so did the complements. My husband is a gentle and very kind man but I feel he tricked me by showing all this affection and passionate kissing before marriage but as soon as the ring was on my finger he decided he did not like that sort of kissing meanwhile he had no problem while dating.

I love my husband with all my heart and do not want anyone else but the feelings that come over me every time I dress up for him and he turns me down are overwhelming, i believe in faithfulness and i trust that things will improve but at the same time im scared that it will not change but get worse and i will begin to resent my husband deeply. we are now trying to get pregnant for 6 months now with no luck primarily i believe because of the lack of sex (once a month). but i also sometimes think is gods way of telling me get out now while u can. but the truth is i love him and i want him in my life always and in my heart i know he does love me too he tells me everyday and he tries to make me happy in any other way. I almost left him last month after one of the many conversations about our sex life. He told me he could not be without me, he loved me so much and that i am the only woman he wants and the only he wants children with. and I know is the truth but when I am so frustrated I tend to put all the good aside and focus on the negative aspects of our marriage, that is the lack of sex really, everything else is ok in my book. I just need him to kiss me like he used to, make love to me like he used to; and it hurts so bad to see that something that should come so natural when two people love each other is so hard to be done even when you see how not having it, is hurting the person you love.

for those with more experience i ask you that you give me some advice in the matter.

September 22, 2008 at 3:50 pm
(63) Asexual says:

Asexuality is considered a sexual orientation like homosexuality, but involving many different aspects, although it can also develop from simply a loss of libido. There is a web site for asexuals at http://www.asexuality.org .

Asexuals sometimes don’t even realise that something might be wrong, they think lack of interest is just a phase they’ll get over so they’ll be like everyone else (many homosexuals think the same thing). They’ll get married expecting “the situation” will fix things and they’ll be normal. It’s unfortunate for them and for those they marry that it doesn’t change anything.

Most people don’t know that asexuality even exists, and those who do hear about it often don’t believe it’s even possible. With social pressure like that, it’s no wonder they believe it too, until they’ve already hurt someone they care most about in the world.

There is a range of asexuality, from those who really don’t mind sex, but would rather read a book, to those who not only are uninterested, but have a deep seated aversion to anything sexual. Between, there are a lot who have sexual feelings, but not a sexual connection – it’s like blowing your nose might make you feel better, but you have no desire at all to get involved in someone else blowing their nose. Hence there can be in interest in porn, but not sex.

That said, there are asexuals in relationships with sexuals, with varying degrees of success. The worst case is when someone blames the other because they’re in denial about their own feelings, or don’t even realise that they’re not the only one in the world who doesn’t want sex like it’s the most wonderful thing ever. Those aren’t healthy relationships.

Some go so far as to let their partner get sex elsewhere, though most don’t because even though they don’t feel the connection between sex and intimacy, they understand that sexuals do, and are afraid of losing the one they love that way. It’s possible to enjoy sex with another as a gift from the one you love, but it’s certainly a tricky situation.

Mostly they compromise, but for an asexual, sex can be as horrible as life without sex for a sexual person. So to make it work you have to be really, completely open and honest on both sides. There are intimacies that are sexual, but don’t include actual sex, like masturbating, dirty talk and fantasies. Or naked cuddling – asexuals can often enjoy a lot of physical intimacy, but won’t because they fear it will lead to sex, or pressure for sex. Just agree that it won’t, and with the threat gone it might be easy enough to go a lot farther than before.

These are just examples, but again, it requires far more honesty, explicitness, and a lot of discussed details beforehand that most sexual couples wouldn’t ever find necessary. From both sides. And it can certainly feel really clinical discussing things like “would you freak if I put your hand between my legs?”, but the point is to get that out of the way when you’re calm and rational, so you can be free to go wherever within the limits when you’re in the moment.

That’s all that I could suggest, for what it’s worth.

September 25, 2008 at 12:46 am
(64) chickie says:

Unsure of why my marriage has turned into a “sexless marriage” I decided to google it and found this site. It is unreal just how many men and women are living my nightmare.
I never thought words could really explain how I feel inside when rejected over and over by my husband of just over a year but when reading this board I see my feelings of hurt, being unloved, dirty, and rejection over and over by so many people on here. To know there are so many out there like me makes me feel relief and also sadden me that so many people feel the hurt I feel.
How many times have I thought of cheating just to feel the touch of another man, to feel wanted, and connected. This is something my husband can’t or won’t understand. I, like so many out there need that intimacy to feel connected and committed to this marriage but he just don’t get it, or maybe he doesn’t care. So I fight with my inner self of do I stay or do I go? I am so tossed with it at this point.
I feel I am a young 46 and in my prime. I have always had a high sex drive and still do and when we first got together he did too. I think about it over and over, is it me? Is he in this marriage for convenience? If he is is it justifiable to have a “no strings attached” sexual relationship with someone? I feel like I am living with a roommate, as I have called him so many times. He knows how I feel about this but does nothing to change the situation.
Now things have got more complicated with a old school friend contacting me and telling me he was so happy to find me and I was his dream girl in high school. He’s in Iraq right now so any physical contact won’t happen but it is so easy to fall for someone who is there to “listen” when your in this kind of marriage (he thinks I am happily married and at this point I will continue to have him thinking that)
Do I love my husband, yes, am I “in love” with my husband, I don’t think so. It’s very easy to fall in love with him again as this has happened in the past, but do I want to continue to live like this? And how do I live like this?
We went to counseling which lasted 3 sessions. We had sex after about 4 months of not having sex, then I guess I thought we’ll get back on track, and with him drilling this in my head that things would be better we stopped going. There’s no reason to go again. If I go I’ll go alone so I can figure out if this is what I really want, a husband as a roommate.

September 25, 2008 at 8:07 pm
(65) feeling so sad says:

I honestly cannot believe how many women are writing that their husbands don’t want or crave sex with them. I am turning 34 at the end of the month, and my husband who just turned 35 does not want to touch me, kiss me, hold me, cuddle on the couch with me …..nothing. I am a gorgeous girl (okay, I have a mommy tummy that I can’t get rid of, but the rest of me is pretty cute). I absolutely ADORE my husband. He is gorgeous and fun, but he has shut himself off completely where anything physical is concerned, whether it be sex, or just hugs, kisses on his neck…..he hates it all. He says he loves me, and that it would be the same with any other woman. He says I put way too much stock in sex. I am like so many others that posted on this site, I know sex is not everything, but I try to explain to him, that I need it to be an aspect of our relationship. How can we feel totally close and connected without sharing ourselves physically? We had our second marriage counselling session today, and he absolutely broke my heart when he said he wishes we didn’t have to kiss, or touch, or have sex, that it makes him very uncomfortable. I too have asked my husband several times if he is gay, or in love with someone else, because before I read these posts, I honestly had never heard of a man feeling this way…women , yes, all the time…..but a MAN??!! It’s like insult to injury when I hear all my friends telling me how their husbands won’t leave them alone and are always after them. Honestly, how do you choose between giving your small kids a mom and dad that live together, and having your own need for love fulfilled? Like I said to the counsellor, it’s so not about the sex really, it’s about feeling like I’m not wanted by the one person I want to want me…….Hang in there guys…

September 25, 2008 at 11:40 pm
(66) Senecus says:

Chick ,Feeling-welcome to the “club”. I can’t believe it either-all the men that almost seem to have been secrectly neutered (and I’m a guy!married to a dud-read my past posts and blog). Yes ,it’s more than just sex(animal action)-in a word-intimacy(the whole ball of wax).

September 28, 2008 at 9:47 am
(67) sex just isn't fun says:

After reading all these posts I feel for my husband. I’m the one who is usually saying no to sex. We have sex about once a month, mostly when I feel guilty becuase it’s been so long. We use to have sex alot when were dating. Funny thing is at that time I was the one always wanting to have more. However my husband hadn’t been with many women and so I never really talked about how not so great the sex was before we were married because I never thought sex was the most important. I fell in love with my husband for his honesty, loyalty, and for once a nice guy in my life. I’m mean I’d been in plenty of relationships before him where it was only the sex that kept it going. Now I don’t even want to french kiss my husband, it just doesn’t turn me on anymore. I’m hoping we can see a counselor and get our sex life worked out. I know it’s all me but how do I turn on sexual attaction when I’m afraid it’s gone. I love my husband and I don’t want to lose him but I wonder if it’s fair to him. I miss the days when we were dating and I actually felt like a woman who was desired — not just for a quicky but to adore my body. Well I’m sure this sound terrible but how do you find a balance.. I’d like to make this work.

September 30, 2008 at 12:48 pm
(68) Jack says:

Regarding the comment from “sex just isn’t fun”:

You could be my wife, except she isn’t interested in seeing a counselor or talking about the issue. Every once once in a blue moon she initiates sex, but clearly she feels like it is a duty and there is no enthusiasm – and I know it (you just can’t fake some things). Let me tell you – that is worse than not having sex at all! “Pity sex” from my own wife always makes me I feel awful and like a total loser afterwards. This has been going on for years and I feel like it is the worse kind of abuse. I would rather that she tell me honestly that she doesn’t isn’t feeling it, but there is no communication. I guess it always come down to communication.

P.S.: Yes, it is totally unfair to your husband, but it is also not your fault that you don’t have the sex drive. All you can do is be honest about it and try to see a counselor.

October 7, 2008 at 9:02 pm
(69) Sharon says:

I never knew that sex would take such a drastic turn in my marriage. I have been married for 7 years and dated for 5 years prior to the marriage. He is a younger man by 6 years, handsome, funny, loves to laugh, and a great lover. I loved having sex with him. The last 3 years have been a hit and miss experience of good sex, a “little” sex, and absolutely “no” sex these days. My husband and I were both in recovery when we met. Unfortunately, he has had a couple of relapses in the past 2 years. I relapsed after 7 years (before we married)and have nearly 7 years again. Since his relapses (and treatment)our intimate life is so empty. I realize the physical toll caused by alcohol and drugs, not to mention the drop in self esteem for relapsing. I have patiently stood by and have expressed my desire for sex and laughing and fun and he says, it will happen again…..but he does nothing to facilitate this change. He told me tonight that he figures that his age is affecting things (56) and he needs to increase exercise to get the veins pumping blood better. My heart sank AGAIN. It’s clear that this is not a priority with him and my heart is slowly, but surely, drifting apart from him. I feel so isolated and resentful at the same time. I feel embarrassed to ask for sex because he gets upset. He says it bothers him that he has no desire or erection, but continues to “promise to check it out”. Am I being stupid to wait? Unreasonable? Impatient? I can tell this is really affecting my health and mental health. I think incessantly about leaving him and imagine how my life would be without him here. I actually have thought of ideas to help me through the “sad” times of missing him,and also realizing my self esteem would bloom again…my energy levels would come back and at least I wouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself because I stuck in a sexless marriage. This gets really depressing for me.

October 9, 2008 at 4:20 am
(70) milos says:

Good to be reminded that there are others in the same boat. I guess my situation isn’t too bad as my wife and I are still intimate a few times every 6-7 months and in between I’m made to feel dirty for asking or complaining about our lack of intimacy.

I would settle for once a month but every 6 months is making it seem like sex/love making is like some special present and I’m REALLY beginning to resent that.

I know with young kids it’s never easy but come on,we do at least have a few days in every month where we can set aside time for intimacy. But my wife really doesn’t seem that interested.When we are intimate she always says see enjoys it and would like to do it more often but then she never follows through on that. When i look dissapointed that she has her period (to me it seems like every 3rd week)on the weekend the kids are at their grandparents, she makes some acidic remark like, ” Oh so sorry to have ruined your dream” Just for looking, not even verbally expressing my disappointment.She says, “were you planning on something” she knows exactly what i was hoping for and then she says something that makes me feel dirty for even hoping that we could spend what little free time we have to be intimate.
I try to do all the right things as a husband: i always give her a lot of emotional support, i listen to her problems, i help her as much as i can etc.

I’ll be 40 next year and I’m seriously thinking of opting for a trial separation, (which incidentally she suggested 2 years ago when we were going through a rough patch) where i live in the same town as my family and try going out on dates with my wife to see if that rekindles any intimacy although I’m aware that this is a drastic step.
But hey, I don’t want to cheat on my wife.I’m only human. I know that she is insecure about her appearance ie. having put on a little weight since having children and she always says she wants to get back into shape etc. and i always reassure her that i still find her attractive and she’s the only one etc.
Hopefully if i encourage without hurting her feelings to lose weight she’ll begin to feel more energetic and good about herself. But I’ve been there before and then she stops exercising for some reason or another.

All i know is, if the situation doesn’t improve in a year’s time then I’m going for the trial separation – at least that way if she doesn’t mind then i know where i stand with her.

October 12, 2008 at 3:35 pm
(71) DC says:

Though I may not be married The man I have been with for over 8 years will noy have sex no matter how hard I try. At the beginning he was very passionate almost hardcore and this ould last for days then nothing for long times now he has not be sexually active for years it hurts very much and I do not now how to hang I love him very much and we have been friends for 20 years. There is an 11 year age difference between us. I do not think he works properly but I know he could do it if he really wanted to. It only takes a few minutes right?? I feel he would not mind if I went for service elsewhere as long as I came back to him this is something I can not do. I really want to be inlove with someone again who has passion on their priorty list but also am scared to lose him as I feel secure with him but also very deprieved. It is really amazing how many others appear to be in the same situation.

Love does make the world go Round and someday it will happen for all

October 12, 2008 at 3:40 pm
(72) Mr Disappointed. says:

What sad reading this all makes. Im 40 and not had sex with my wife for over 5 years. Been together 11 years. I love my wife very much. I got married 3 years ago and tried to have sex with my wife many times since then but all i got was tears and blank answers as to why there is no interest from her. Cutting a very long story short i made the decision early this year not to bother her about it ever again.Mainly because of the tears from her and frustration on my side.I have a high sex drive which is a curse. I have even considered going to the Docs for some tablets to lower my sex drive. I sometimes wish i was gay, at least i could go to a public toilet for relief. But im straight. Im not going to have an affair of prostitutes. I just got have to go to my grave without having sex again.-What a thought.- Ann Summers shops are not for me. Its internet porn forever. I get annoyed with her in the house, because i want her out for a few hours so i can sort myself out. No wonder people end up with fetishes, when you have to relive your self under stressful conditions! Its all a bit crap really:(

October 13, 2008 at 12:04 am
(73) wildnpink says:

i thought i was alone in this. I am married to a foreigner and we are not together yet because of visa problems, its been one year now and he did not come back yet to see me or my kids. I am 20 years younger than him, i have a strong sexual desires and its driving me crazy to not have it for one year. he said he could not come because of money problems,and its true ,our marriage has gone so bad because of this, but i hang on to it because i am strongly cultured and raised as catholic, but there are just times that id go crazy and wanting it,but i can not just go find other man and do it, ive never cheated in my past relationship but my husband sounds like he would not care at all.he said he loves me and its over for us if i cheat ,but then will tell me again later on he dont care what i will do or he wont hate me if i find someone who has money,since he cares for me?I do not get it, does he wants me?or does he sounds like he is leaving me pretty soon? We have a one year old baby and all of this is hurting me to my soul, because i love him and want this marriage to work so bad, but i am not sure where i stand now..

October 19, 2008 at 8:20 am
(74) Relating to Everything says:

I, too, experience the frustration attributed to a partner with no interest in sex. She loves my companionship….period. We must all ask ourselves if this is the type of marriage/relationship we want for the rest of our lives. Is it? If the answer is no, we must do ourselves and our partners a favor my ending things respectfully. This, of course, should only come after an honest conversation with your partner. Tell them your feelings and desires. Tell them you don’t think you can carry on with this arrangement much longer. Maybe a counselor will offer some assistance with the problem. We owe it to ourselves to be happy. For some of us a healthy relationship can supplement our level of happiness. We must love ourselves enough to meet our own needs in life. I wish everyone here the best of luck. I will now take my own advice.

October 26, 2008 at 8:21 pm
(75) troy says:

I have been married for 3 yrs now. I am in my 30′s and she is in her late 20′s. I have high sex drive , we use to have sex a lot but now I get turned down too much that I have stopped asking for it. For over a year now sex has been forgotten. We have talked about it several times but to no avail. I have cheated on my wife since then. There is no romance any more. I have decided to move to a different room and I am currently looking at divorce as an option. I have a 2 yr old and I. Have tried and still trying hard to make things work . I have given up on sex with her and have been seeing several women. I have 2 options stay in marriage till my son turns 18 yo and keep sleeping with other women or get a divorce any time soon

October 26, 2008 at 8:24 pm
(76) troy says:

I have been married for 3 yrs now. I am in my 30′s and she is in her late 20′s. I have high sex drive , we use to have sex a lot but now I get turned down too much that I have stopped asking for it. For over a year now sex has been forgotten. We have talked about it several times but to no avail. I have cheated on my wife since then. There is no romance any more. I have decided to move to a different room and I am currently looking at divorce as an option. I have a 2 yr old and I. Have tried and still trying hard to make things work . I have given up on sex with her and have been seeing several women. I have 2 options stay in marriage till my son turns 18 yo and keep sleeping with other women and then divorce once my son turns 18 yo, when he is old enough or get a divorce any time soon. I will not live my life forever this way and will never marry ever again.

October 28, 2008 at 10:56 pm
(77) robert says:

I feel so much better after reading these. I’ve been dating her for 4 years, she wants to get married but I keep putting off asking her because i know the lack of sex is a huge issue, it will just decrease after marriage. I love her so much, I would be the happiest man on earth if our sex life was good, I would marry her in a heartbeat. I just can’t do it. I’m gonna breakup with her and it’s gonna kill me, but I really don’t see any other option. I’ve been bringing this topic up for the past 2 years and nothing has changed and she has done absolutely nothing to make it better. What kills me is that she doesn’t even try, though she always says she will.

question: for anyone who has split, do you regret it? how long before you got over it? Would you do it again?

October 30, 2008 at 4:26 pm
(78) Moutain Man says:

Wow…

I’m generally in the same boat. My wife is a few years older than me (I’m 31) & the last few years sex has been a chore for her. We’ve been married now for over 10 years. She’ll “try” every few months (3-6) but what really does it for me is to see/feel/hear the enjoyment of my partner, so when she’s just “letting me do my thing” it’s about the worst sex possible. (well, I guess the ol’ “Prison Sex” is worse. lol)

Part of her lowered sex drive is a “natural” hormone imbalance and part is due to side effects for a small amount an anti-depressant she takes (NEEDED!!).

I’m such a frustrated mess… every woman I see I picture how they may be for a “no-strings” arrangement. I know lots of guys have those arrangements, some that I work with, etc.

I think the part that really irritates me is that she will not look into ANYTHING that might help the situation. She doesn’t want to try a different position, or a more romantic setting or consoling or reading on her own,… no internet searches,… nothing.

She says she feels bad for me but I don’t see action so it’s hard to believe. I find so much of what I did around the house etc is for her to be proud of me, to like me, to want me, etc. When I know there’s no chance of sex ever, what’s the point? I don’t usually care if she even likes me much. Especially when I’m feeling resentful.

When female friends flirt or ex’s still show interest it’s soooooo hard to stay away. And at home my wife thinks it’s not that big of a deal. If she did she’d spend more time & energy trying to fix it!

I know I CANNOT keep this up forever. It’s destroy my life if I’m not faithful to her… it’s “who I am”. Even if she never knew… I wouldn’t be able to live with me.

:(

November 1, 2008 at 10:43 am
(79) Without says:

Why bother getting married? My wife’s therapist told me that I should have no expectiation of sex in marriage. I think this should be well publicized to anyone before they get married. I thought, before I married that it was one of the reasons to get married.
Because why am I out there breaking my back to support her? She does not cook or work, thought she has three degrees. I am for limiting the length of a marriage to five years and you must renew.

November 5, 2008 at 6:59 am
(80) Humanity says:

Interesting…..

I have read almost every post within this thread and have personally witnessed both the demise and solutions of either men or women with regards to sex in their respective relationships. To say the least, if you were depressed about your relational sex life then after reading this thread you may as well go out and buy yourself some rope for a noose and hang proudly from the nearest rafter.

In reality, humans have not been on this great planet very long with comparison to all the other furry or fur less creatures we share oxygen with. We like consider ourselves a civilized animal specie but in reality this only holds true within ourselves for we truly are not.

We are very much the same animal we were 30 thousand years ago, just a little better educated and we now live in better caves. Sex is an animal instinct and it is something any normal animal must have. As we age, certain conditions within our bodies simply start to turn the urge off. That’s life….that’s reality…they have pills for that now..

A sexless marriage, sleeping in separate caverns, or sleeping in separate parts of the cave, after clubbing ceremony (marriage) has got to be the most ridiculous, selfish, thing I have ever heard. Who is the dysfunctional one here? Shall we dare to ponder? For those that have contributed their thoughts in his direction, why would you even be reading this thread if there wasn’t some small concern to begin with. Be concerned, for you may not be in the furs of bliss you think you are.

Indeed these relationships do exist but for it to exist, both individuals within that relationship must in fact be dysfunctional otherwise one is an extremely unhappy person or is most likely seriously engaged with at least one other cave dweller. How would you possibly know otherwise? Well, you don’t.

If you are in a sexless relationship and you are feeling the pain from it then you are in a world you shouldn’t be. Unless your partner is over the age of 65, around the time when things start to go slushy, sex should be on an agreed regular intimate schedule at the very least.

Now I’m not saying just crab your partner by the hair, through him/her to the ground and have a quick romp on the rocks, I mean really, as humans we did evolve somewhat. Women have the necessity to feel beautiful, desired, sought after, loved, and anything you can add to the meaning of the word “vain”. Men share some similar necessities but not nearly as many. Desired and Loved would be the most heavily emphasized but yet another more powerful criterion floats in the wind……faithfulness. Above all, their partner must be faithful.

A woman displays her love to her partner with gestures, compassion, support, and yes, gives into sex. Maybe even enjoying it from time to time. For the most part, normal women do not need sex near as often as a normal man and I stress the word “normal”. Even still, a woman needs to make love to her life partner because she knows he wants it and he can have it any time because she loves him. And what the heck….it feels absolutely wonderful sometimes. Now I’m not talking about you nympho’s out there, I did say “normal” women. ;)

A man displays his love to his partner with……Sex. Passionate sex or at least his attempts at passionate sex. To a man sex is the most intimate thing he can do for the woman he loves, it is his ultimate means to show his love for her. Not flowers, not jewellery, or trips to the cave on the other side of the canyon…..making sexual love to his life mate. To a man the desire to make love and to see his woman fulfilled with pleasure is his greatest gift to her. To refuse a man the opportunity to demonstrate this love is sure death to your relationship. It is the ultimate insult and only portrays one thing…..you no longer desire him.

If you are indeed in a sexless relationship….get medical help quick! If there is not medical problem then get mental help. If there is no mental problem then get the hell out of that relationship. Life is hard enough as it is and it is far too short to live in misery.

What brought me to this thread you ask? Obviously the same thing most of you are experiencing. About three years ago my life partner has dropped the idea of having sex. No desire for it what so ever. Is it because of me….maybe, maybe not. Quite honestly I don’t care anymore.

If there is a problem and there is no desire to disclose it then there is only one thing to obviously do, polish up my club and get another mate. If you are in a similar situation then I suggest you do the same.

November 6, 2008 at 8:11 pm
(81) Thought I was alone out here says:

Humanity is 100% right.
“Where do we go from here?”
Do we just walk away or do we keep on trying?
Honestly, I don’t think that this condition is repairable. Romantic interludes, flowers, jewelry etc… Are quick fixes that may or may not get you a guilt lay. I got married at 19 and my wife was 23. We have been married for 20 yearsand have two wonderful kids. One in college and one in HS. Like a lot of you after the first child sex started to dwindle. After the second child, which was conceived directly after I came back from a 10-month deployment in the USMC. Very little sex after that time and until now. Weekly/Bi weekly sex for the last 18 years. No sex (once)for the last 14 months and counting. What has changed? Only her finally deciding to stop acting like she wanted to have it in the first place. I actually respect her for that. But I have no desire to have sex with someone that doesn’t want to have sex with me. I don’t want obligation sex anyway. The solution for me is simple. Move on. I don’t have another 20 years to waste being unfulfilled and passionless. the things (finances, cars, gadgets, security etc..) don’t add up to being unhappy for twenty MORE years. Right before we stopped having sex 14 months ago I asked to start over and have a new relationship. She said that she didn’t feel that way about me and hasn’t for quite a while and would get back to me on a renewing of a realtionship. I am still waiting for an answer. I can’t stay in this for her happiness and the kids state of mind and sacrifice my happiness for another twenty years. I have 10 months on our rental lease.
I will not renew and I will find my own place to live. If I have to take one or both of the kids I will. Coincidentally, I met someone 1 month after she told me those things and we have been great freiends ever since, even intimate. This may be wrong but how much can a person take. I may be in the end of a sexless marriage but I am not living sexless.
It is what it is. I now know it wasn’t me. I can give and receive passion and there is someone that wants me sexually and emotionally. 10 months and counting.

November 7, 2008 at 7:48 pm
(82) Torn says:

I’m also in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have had no sex for a little over two years, and since then, the kissing and hugging stopped too – but that was my choice.

My husband is the kindest, most gentle man I’ve ever known, and we’ve been married for 18 years and have four amazing children. But, his passive personality also means that he’s not sexually aggressive. When we were dating in college, I was very sexually aggressive until I became a Christian. Then, together we decided that we wanted to behave until we got married, and, in all honesty, that was pretty much our doom. There was very little passion after that. I don’t even know if we’ve had sex 50 times during our entire marriage.

When we first got married, I would come out in the nude and lay under a blanket to watch TV. He asked me to stop – said it made nudity not as special. Then I tried to schedule sex. This lasted two weeks, and he decided it was too forced. Fast forward years later, and I asked him to share his fantasies with me. He declined.

Over the years we’ve talked about our problems, and always said that we’d work on them. When I turned 40, through a series of triggers, I began a mid-life crisis, and for the first time in 18 years I began to think about a divorce – and that this was not the way I wanted to continue my life. I began to discuss separation with my husband, and he’s fought it – wanting us to get help.

The wall is just too high.

At the end of June, I began an online affair with a man who lives on another continent. We’re supposed to spend a couple of weeks together next month – and my husband knows about him.

Now I’m torn. Part of me thinks I can stay married for my children and that it’s very selfish of me to get divorced just because of sex. (And in the Christian community, I’m an adultress whether I have an affair within marriage or get a divorce and have sex outside of marriage.) But on the other hand, I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life – with a roommate.

I’m worried that I’m just having a ‘grass is greenier’ moment, and that I’ll regret going to see this other man. Eight days of passion and a possible relationship verses the years that my children will have to live with the results of my choices.

November 8, 2008 at 2:25 pm
(83) Loser says:

I’m curious what others have done to cope with their situation. Like so many, who have posted before me, I’m in a sexless marriage. We have one 13 year old child. Her conception was a choice immediately after marriage 14 years ago. We had sex maybe 10 or 15 times in those first couple of weeks of marriage. We have NOT had sex since. My wife changed once she became pregnant and has turned perpetually angry. Constantly finding fault in everyone around her. She told me she never wants to have sex with me again. …and after 14 years, she has been true to her word. At first I resented her deeply for it. It seemed like such a betraial. After a few weeks, I rationalized that I was being selfish to feel that way. Having grown up in a home of all sisters, I was gleaned that concept through their discussions I overheard with our mother; that it is women who control sex in a relationship. That is, if a woman says NO, that means NO. End of discussion. To argue, or beg puts on pressure, akin to rape. I realized how distructive my resentment towards my wife was, and how that would jepordize the domestic tranquility in which I hoped to raise our child, so I turned my resentment inward. Inward toward my own sexuality. Every time I started desiring sex or thought about sex, I would RESENT that in myself. Told myself how pathetic and weak that was of me. Told myself to buck up, detach, get over it. Absolutely NO sexual interest was tolerated. Eventually, after a couple years of that struggle, it worked. I had turned it off. That part of me is dead. I find it both remarkible of an accomplishment yet disturbing that I could pull it off. I’m here wondering what others have done to cope. We’re still married. Roommates who happen to share the same bed. No physical contact. No emotional intimacy. No love. Just domestic cooperation. Would I leave? At this point, why bother. It’s financially advantagious to stay and I don’t believe I’m able to form an attachment to anyone else since the part of me that could care or need to be cared for died so long ago. So, I’m liberated, yes; but not less a freak because of it, and I’m reminded of that in the oversexed tv, advertising, movies, etc.

November 8, 2008 at 5:40 pm
(84) Torn says:

Loser – I don’t think it’s just the women in your home who send that message…it’s our society as a whole.

And I could be wrong, but I don’t know that that part of you has been cut off forever. Maybe just with your wife? But, if you’re content in your situation, and it works for you, then who’s to say it’s bad or wrong?

My dilemma is that I’m not content. I want sex – just no longer with my husband.

November 14, 2008 at 3:42 am
(85) milo says:

I was on here before and i have just had my wife confirm what i have suspected for a number of years now ie. that she is no longer interested in sex – she actually said that 2 years ago but i though that was just due to stress from various sources and our arguing.
At the same time 2 years ago she basically told me i had her permission to go and seek sexual gratification with other women and/or eventually find another woman as she believes she is not the woman for me. Why she couldn’t have said this before we had children i can only guess. But now I’m left angry that she allowed me to go on believing that one day our sex life would/could improve. Now I’m left with the decision of whether to take follow through with her suggestion to start seeing other women or still try and work on our intimacy. My gut instinct and my experience with my wife tells me i should perhaps seriously consider what she said. The problem is young children are involved and it tears me apart to be away from them. I can only imagine a situation where i live in the same town as my kids so i can still see them on a regular basis and help bring them up. But it still isn’t the same.
I guess I’ll have to get used to seeing my kids less when they eventually leave home to go to college/university but that’s another 10 and 15 years respectively.
I guess i can stick it out for another few years with my wife but at the same time i don’t want to continue letting the years pass by with someone whom i now know for sure is no longer interested in sex and /or me sexually. We had sex the other day and she said a few days afterwards she gave in to my advances because she pitied me for trying so hard. I felt like a dog being rewarded for sth.
I guess looking back almost everything was ok -very good (at times)between us except our sex life. I hate the way she always puts that down to the fact that she thinks from the moment we met i never really loved her. She says this because she feels I have never (when we have had sex- during the act)been emotionally connected to her, which is really confusing and hurtful for me. She always says to me she enjoys sex or enjoyed it but then she behaves in a contradictory manner afterwards. I think perhaps i should start to let go and focus my positive energies on looking after my kids and greatly widening my social circle. I already do a lot of exercise so that is another avenue of release for my negative energy/thoughts resulting from my situation.I’ve actually lost weight over the last few years (because i wanted to)and am back to the same weight i was at when i got married 12 years ago. My wife on the other hand is 10kg heavier than when we got married and i know this is partly what contributes to her lack of interest in sex. Sad becuase up to the point when we got married she was an exercise addict and she was in GREAT shape. I have told her many many times that i still find her attractive but this doesn’t have a long lasting effect. Can you believe she actually has the nerve to walk around the house stark naked at bath/shower time almost every day but then basically tells me F***+ @! Don’t even think about being sexually active with me. Oh and don’t you dare masturbate, don’t look or think about other women- with or without clothes. Oh no, beacuse if you do that then you’re a sick pervert.

I’m getting tired (40 next year)of being in a relationship where I’m ALWAYS the one to blame for the other person’s disappointments.I refuse to believe that I have been the sole source of my wife’s disappointments.Time to go now and start focusing my energies on more positive things.

November 15, 2008 at 9:50 am
(86) Humanity says:

Torn has made the ultimate sacrifice which is OK as long as it makes you happy, or gives you the feeling of fulfillment and the fact that you are actually being loved. But are you truly……I don’t think so. You both of you coexist for the sole purpose of raising your children. One thing children are very keen on from the day they are born, and that is sensing love. If you and your wife are truly happy then you can pull it off. If not…..you may have very well added to the next generation of dysfunctional children. But this is just my opinion.

I always like to stress, “what if the shoe were on the other foot” so to speak. What do you think would happen? Is it just your children that holds your wife to you? After all…..it’s what has really been holding you to your wife at least until the switch turned it all off. And yes, for a great lot of people there is a switch that does that. The grass is as green as you want to make it.

The Eagles mates for life as do some other earthly creatures. Humans were deemed to hold that very same characteristic but it’s not true. That has always been a forced characteristic.

My last post was on November 5 of this year – 10 days ago. Today I left my wife for good so that I may enjoy the rest of my life and to find someone that I can enjoy that remainder with. The search begins and already……..”I feel ever so much happier”. Even if I find no one, it is still better than living in a loveless, sexless relationship. For I am a man that needs to give intimate passion and to receive the same. I will just be happier seeking the world for it.

November 18, 2008 at 11:20 am
(87) Pam says:

I have been married for 36 years. My husband and I have sex at least once a week. This morning I caught him masterbating in the bathroom. That really hurt me. Is that wrong of me to feel like that? I am 54 and he is 56.

November 18, 2008 at 7:51 pm
(88) Mary says:

Help, I have been married for 23 yrs now with
almost no sex in the last 5 years. im 52 and my husband is 49. He won’t go get help for his low sex drive and refuses to talk about it. It has put a huge void in our marriage and he is now sleeping alone in the guest bedroom and happy about the new sleeping arrangements. I feel let down that he is not even willing to work on this issue..but here’s the thing, he is perfectly happy to turn to internet porn for self gratification!!! RU kidding me! This feels like a marriage headed for divorce..am I stupid for staying?? I did not emvision this
this for our golden years. What to do???

November 20, 2008 at 10:59 am
(89) Humanity says:

I can’t resist:

Pam…take it for what it is. Men masturbate as do women. He’s been doing it all his life. I’m amazed it took you this long to catch it. There is nothing wrong with it, call it human nature. If you are both happy with you sex life then don’t even shed a bead of sweat over it. As a matter of fact..this is your opportunity to get on top and enjoy the ride ;)

November 20, 2008 at 11:20 am
(90) Humanity says:

I couldn’t resist:

Mary….If hubby i seeking the internet and getting his rocks off (so to speak) off the internet then there really can’t be a whole lot wrong with his sex drive. He knows what he likes, he’s just not willing to tell you.

Force the issue. If YOU still are not getting any gratification yourself then YOU will need to decide whether or not you want to be happy for the next 20 years or continue to feel unwanted and unhappy. The sex you can probably live without and find your own means of gratification (and probably feel better for it), the intimacy you most likely can not.

If he’s not willing to seek help and to understand how you feel about the situation then you’re living with a dead horse.

Get Out! Be Happy! You only live ONCE. Who knows, you may come back as a man in your next life….then what :)

Cheating on your man is not an option, this only leads to ultimate destruction for both of you. Cut the Internet cable and you marriage. Go out and be happy because believe me, things will only get worse.

November 20, 2008 at 6:57 pm
(91) Mary says:

Humanity- Thanks for the input, our sex life is practically non-exsistant and I have tried everything I know to spice it up. I have male friends that are single and have offered their services I really LOVE my husband and he is a good man in every other way..but this internet
porn is not even a issue to me IF our sex life
was on the same page. It really hurts me knowing he is having sex by himself and nothing for US. I cannot live like this and Im going to try and let him know Im drifting away…I think an affair is tacky snd not an option..I think after 24 yrs together we should respect that alone. I hate giving an ultimatum..but I figure it’s worth a try..I don’t want to ahve regrets if we parted ways.
I DO know that if my spouse came to me and his needs were not being met and the other spose was thinking of moving on… It would be a wake up call. Life is to short to settle
for less. Wish me luck!!

November 28, 2008 at 5:23 pm
(92) Susie says:

If there are all these men out there who do not want sex, how does someone find/meet some of them?
There are people who can’t have sex due to physical problems, and it is good to know there are men who would be happy with a wife who can’t have sex.
Are there any websites to meet people who don’t want or can’t have sex, but want companionship and affection?

November 28, 2008 at 9:25 pm
(93) Humanity says:

Mary…..I give you the best of Luck in your quest. Be prepared for the worst.

Susie….You are not alone in this world. There are LOTS of men everywhere that do not or can not have sex for one reason or another and, they are looking for the identical thing you are.

Join a few Singles or Dating Websites and put in your profile of what you are looking for. You may be surprised.

Found this on the web. Some may find it Interesting:

Here’s a list of the Top Ten common reasons why men may not want sex:

1. Medications. Antidepressants (SSRI-type) and antihypertensives (blood pressure medication) are often the culprit when a man has a lowered interest in sexual activity. These can also cause sexual dysfunction.

2. Lack of sleep. When a man is in his teens or twenties, the opportunity to have sex will often overwhelm the desire to sleep. This is often true also when a relationship is brand new. But, as people and relationships age, sex can lose its compelling nature and a good night’s rest can be quite tempting.

3. Hormonal levels. The most important physiological stimulant of sexual desire is testosterone. Many men are mistakenly sent to have a blood test for total testosterone when low libido is the issue. While that information might be interesting to know to have a full picture of a man’s hormonal levels, knowing the free testosterone level is much more relevant to how much sex he desires. Also, too much prolactin and SHBG (sex hormone binding globulin) can suppress sexual desire. So when a hormonal reason is suspected, these are the blood tests to have (in order of importance): free testosterone, prolactin, SHBG, and total testosterone.

4. Identity issues. When men feel uncertain about their role in the world, their desire for sex can dwindle. Depression may be linked to this, but isn’t always. Identity issues can crop up when: he has issues at work or is out of work, faces the death of an important family member, becomes disheartened about a formerly held strong belief, and questions his understanding of his own sexual orientation — to name a few.

5. Turn-off to aspects of the sex. Some men will turn away from sex rather than have sex that is not fulfilling to them. Lack of fulfillment can be related to specific things that his partner does during sex or how he experiences his partner’s body. He may feel criticized or treated unfairly. It may just seem like too much “work.” He may have sexual interests that he knows or fears his partner may not share.

6. Disagreements with one’s mate. When there are interpersonal difficulties between the members of a couple, many men will avoid sex or just plain refuse their partner’s advances. Some men punish their partner by withholding sex, but for others it’s not a matter of punishment, they just cannot muster sexual feelings when there are unresolved conflicts.

7. Stress. Stress comes in many forms and may stem from: financial difficulties, personal or family member illness, challenges at work, parenting dilemmas, and issues involving extended family members. Of course, there are many more sources of stress.

8. Masturbation that replaces partnered sex. This is a hot topic since the advent of the Internet. It seems to some researchers in this field that many men who might not have sought out other sources of visual sexual stimulation (magazines, videos, movies) have found their way to locate sexual imagery online. For some couples, this can be a dilemma, particularly when the viewing of the images leads to masturbation, that then leads to less partnered sex. Less partnered sex feels like a blessing to some, but to others it is a frustrating and disappointing outcome.

9. Fear of intimacy. Some men have relationships with their romantic partner that resemble that of siblings. The contact that they experience in their relationship takes the intimacy level up so high that adding sexual intimacy on top of that feels like an overload. Though it may be difficult to imagine that a person could have too much intimacy, it is the hunch of many sex experts today that this is a very common cause of declining sexual frequency in couples.

10. Difficulties functioning sexually. Many men who have an erection dysfunction or believe that they ejaculate too soon — or too late (if at all), will avoid having sex with their partner. Rather than face what feels like another experience of “failure” in our performance-obssessed culture, these men choose to avoid being sexual at all.

When partnered with a man who does not want sex, the optimal path does not include criticism, belittling, or slurs on his manhood. Armed with accurate information and professional help, most of these causes of sexual avoidance can be greatly improved and in many cases removed altogether.

There you have it…Take it as you will. I would just like to finally add that the Top Ten common reasons why women may not want sex is:

1. Use of oral contraceptives. Some women will find that their sexual drive is decreased by the Pill (or any of the other hormonal approaches to birth control — patch, ring, and shot).

2. Use of antidepressants. Not everyone experiences a decrease in sexual desire, but many do.

3. Breastfeeding. Prolactin (the hormone that facilitates breastfeeding) decreases sexual interest.

4. Lack of sleep. For most women, sleep comes before sex once the relationship has been established.

5. Stress. Due to work, financial issues, educational stress, extended family, and other important issues in life. When stress is increased, many women do not see sex as a solution to it.

6. Disagreements with one’s mate. Any relationship will bring with it the challenges of conflicting feelings and desires. That can play itself out in sex.

7. Low levels of free testosterone. While knowing the level of total testosterone in the bloodstream can be helpful, finding out the free testosterone is very essential to discovering the possible physiological causes of low sexual desire.

8. High levels of SHBG. A woman with high levels of sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG), may have low sexual interest. This is because it combines with free testosterone (making it “unavailable”) and that decreases libido.

9. Fear of intimacy. The inability to handle the level of intimacy that sex brings and maintains in a relationship is a very common reason for a decrease in sexual desire for one’s partner.

10. Body image. Women who view themselves as unattractive to their mate and/or in their own mind’s eye.

Some of these issues can be addressed by doing some reading, soul searching, and communicating with one’s mate. Others will require the assistance of professional experts such as physicians, labs, and sex therapists.

November 30, 2008 at 3:28 am
(94) dduggers says:

The prostitute is the only honest woman.
She delivers the service / goods, accepts payment and goes on her eway.
A married woman enters a contract, accepts all the benifits then reneges on her contract.

December 5, 2008 at 8:35 pm
(95) Alone for ever says:

I feel better after reading these comments.Thanks to all to share their experiences.It is impossible to fight with our feeling and desires for ever ,at least I have found it impossible for long time.Night is a nightmare for me to get morning when i am full of energy and my husband is sleeping after a long time watching TV.The only thing i should say is it is not life ,it is just walking through the time to kill it.

December 16, 2008 at 7:07 am
(96) Sleepless Nights says:

I can’t believe how many of these comments hit home for me. I am a 37 year old man who has been married a little over 15 years. Sex in the marriage was there and was fine for the first few years, but then it just dried up like it was never even there. I now haven’t had sex with my wife in over ten years. We bought a home 8 years ago that we have never ONCE had sex in.

In those 10+ years, I’ve tried every way I know how to “bring her around” and get her interested to no avail. We’ve tried romantic getaways, new things, toys, none of it seemed to help. The pain of rejection got unbearable to the point where I “met someone” last year. I refused to let the relationship get sexual because I was still crazy in love with my wife and still held out hope that it could be saved. So I came home and insisted that we go through marriage counseling together. Even that didn’t help.

It’s all pretty much over now. About two months ago I met someone else and this time I didn’t resist the temptation. I’m now in a sexual and emotional relationship outside of my marriage and have separated from my wife. My wife has not let me forget that I’m the one that “strayed” – seemingly having no concept that she ABANDONED me and, as far as I’m concerned, shirked her marital commitment some ten years ago.

You’re right, though – the pain of rejection is the worst pain imaginable. What did I do wrong? And she won’t tell me – it’s always “I don’t know”. I could almost forgive her if she could put her finger on something tangible – i.e. “You know, I lost interest in you when you went bald” or “I just haven’t felt it since you got that extra 20 pounds over your 30′s” or whatever. At least then I’d have an explanation. It’s the not knowing, and not caring on her part that are killing me.

Oh well, like I said, it’s all over now. We are now on an irreversible path toward divorce – and despite being involved in a newly blossoming relationship, it still rips my heart out every hour of every day.

December 21, 2008 at 10:08 pm
(97) waited for what? says:

I’m surprised by the number of entries by women.
I’ve never visited or written on a site like this before, but I feel like I’m at the end of a long journey, unable to know where to turn next.
My husband of 25 years, has always had reasons for us needing to postpone or wait for infrequent sexual intimacy:
6 kids, can’t concentrate… became 6 teenagers, they might hear… then no kids at home…oh! Has it been 3 months without sex?
I have always worked full time, been very supportive and carefully negotiated earning more than him.
Encouraged his hobbies, shown interest in outside activities he liked ,tried to be creative or assertive, and then tried being passive and patient.
I’ve cried, been logical, asked questions, done the reading and
Now I’m just angry.
Some of the children are home for the holidays.
After they leave I’ve decided on separate bedrooms,lying next to someone every night who treats you like a sister is painful
I don’t understand, when we do have sex, it was fantastic, but it never left him wanting more.
It was like, okay that was great, thanks, let me get back to you.
The worst part is all our women friends think I have it made. He is demonstrative (in public) attentive (in public) flirtatious (in public), but at home it’s like a monastary, and worse every year.
I am developing outside habits, he says he doesn’t want a divorce, feels bad for me and the situation, but he just doesn’t need it or want it. he even acknowledges being evasive all these years to avoid me realizing the extent of his asexuality.
he agreed to see a counselor last spring, never went.
Has his second appointment with someone tomorrow…I just don’t think I care anymore.
I feel that abandoned and rejected.
but I’m a 52 year old mother of six, grandmother… no prospects, so I’m stuck.
I feel so cheated.

December 25, 2008 at 2:02 am
(98) Eastside says:

I’ve been married for 16 years and today (Christmas) my wife has informed me it’s over. This isn’t really a news flash as she uncovered what was a potential affair I nearly had with my secretary. The house is now full of friends of my wife from Europe as well as my 2 children. I’m so distraught, that I’ve walked out on the food, presents and everything and don’t know what to do with myself. I have no where else to go, so I’ve holed up in my office.

Now, I’ll lay it out I had a full on affair 5 years ago and I put her through hell. One minute I was going to leave her, the next, I wanted her to take me back. This went on for 2 weeks and we lost a lot of weight. I promised her I would never put her through it again, and feel over the years our relationship has grown closer.

The reason I answered to this thread is the powerful theme of the lack of sex. For the better part of our marriage, there has been virtually none to little of it. Over the years, I’ve developed a resentment towards her for this and I has manifested in various ways. Most obvious, my infidelity. The older I’ve gotten, the weaker I feel I’ve been able to fend of advances from women. I’ve learned to have fun with flirting, and for the most part, been satisfied with the potential knowlege that I could have the women that I sometimes meet. I understand that this is shallow and self serving behavior, but the attraction unsettles and wakes up something inside me.

Another point to this is my wife inability to satisfy me sexually, in the few moments in time she feels aroused. If we do engage in sex, she motionless and really only involved in getting herself off. She can always get off, and usually wants to stop when she’s done. I tend to feel thirsty and empty and usually a little sad. I need sex and I feel I deserve to communicate love in this way. My wife tells me none of her friends have sex with their husbands either, so I should just get over it.

I love my wife very much, and I cannot see how I’ll get back on my feet in the later confidence that I carried. This, I’m guessing, everyone is or has gone through. I betrayed our vows and she is absolutely resolved that she needs to move on. She is a fair thinker and commits that she wont abandon me. I give her the cred’ she deserves because all in all, shes been a good wife and an even better mother.

So many thought of how what I should do now like making choices whether to live in continuing punishing myself for my infidelity, try to live a pious and low key life, or flip it by examining why this has happened. A I am fundamentally alone and scared, I’m not seeing clearly of any other roads availible. Nearly all of my friends were hers, and as far as I know, they councelled her in making this decision. That writes them off for me.

It’s important for me to know ifanyone survived marriages under these conditions, though I’m sure its so. Any happy endings out there?

December 26, 2008 at 11:21 am
(99) waited for what? says: says:

This is for Eastside and anyone else who has engaged in infidelity. I used to be judgmental, but now I have more empathy.
I have never had an affair, but have engaged in fantasizing off and on for years. It will usually be about a man I have very little contact with (probably self protection)
But I resent the need to depend on fantasizing to have ANY sex life.
I am evaluating whether to stay married; a concept which is challenged by the fact that as a friend I like my husband, as a spouse I love him. But as a partner I am resenting him more and more.
Since when is denying your spouse conjugal fulfillment okay! Since when is it all right to make a decision that impacts another person and then emotionally bludgeon them by saying married for life, you have no right no option, just deal with it.
If I choose to leave it will be because the option of never having a sex life, or only having a fantasy one is unacceptable!
The problem is I love the fact of shared memories of the children and now our grandchildren, but I feel betrayed and lied to.

December 26, 2008 at 6:51 pm
(100) Besotted with humanity says:

I really am grateful for this thread. It is simply great. !!!!!

Very special kudos to Humanity. As you can see my name is dedicated to you!!!

Personally I think It is increadible that a lot of people can say you love someone but not have sex with them.!

I have been married for 9 years and been seperated for the last 3. I moved out claiming financial pressure and he needs to sort himself out as I didn’t want to lose my respect for him. I wanted him to be a worthy father to his children.

He has been supportive finantially and in every other aspect but sex. for 2 years of seperation.

I did say I would not have sex with him until he’s able to be a husband and a good father to the kids. I said no sex until we renew our vows. He has never approached me for sex ever since and never discussed the vow renewal. He does say he loves me and he does seem to put me in his plans for the future.

I just need to hear other perspectives on my options here.
I really would rather not have sex with him ever again, I do not want to cheat or have an affair as we are technically still married. I do not think I can ever have him back if I find out he’s had an affair.

We have 4 kids together ( All in an atempt not to leave)They are all under 10 years.

He is a good father but a lousy husband, no gifts, no kisses, intimacy just nothing.

I want to divorce him as the only thing that was good in the relationship was the sex and I wanted more.

He is a good man REALLY but I just need someone who shares a lot more with me than just great sex. should not have married as we are totally incompatible but the sex was good. We haven’t had sex during the seperation but he still says he loves me.

Please feel free to advice.

December 27, 2008 at 10:29 am
(101) Eastside says:

To all concerned-

It’s a couple of days after the Christmas meltdown, and I’ve want to give everyone an idea of how things are moving on.

The guests are gone and its just the family. I’ve moved into the small house today with my son and we are spent from the physical and emotional transition of the day. The kids seem to be taking everything well in stride, as my wife and I have tried best to shelter them from our conflict.

My wife, now serene, seems to be taking well to this arrangement, after all, this is her ballgame. I know, I pushed the button and set these events in motion. Based off her indifference, it appears that this is actually something she has wanted for sometime. Over the few conversations we’ve had over the last couple of days (via Skype), she confessed that she’s felt we’ve been growing from each other fro some time. It was very odd, as I felt the contrary. In fact, I can’t remember a better time in our 16 years than the last year. But, she is unmoved to her decision, and clearly want to take advantage of the space.

She also mentioned to my son that she plans to date and I’ve found that she’s been in constant contact with her yoga teacher, who, up till this moment, was also my yoga teacher. So, a new dynamic to events I didn’t see. By her resolving to leave me, she’s open the door and moral justifaction to explore her sexuality. Yes, this is an assumption, but the likeliness is very strong that it could happen. Its hard to divide the hurts going on with me, they just sort of lump all into one.

She’s an adult who has made decisions. She is using this opportunity to take her spiritual journey closer into Buddism, as I’m trying to reconnect with Christianity. I suppose there are differences with our journey, but they have all manifested quite suddenly. I’m so mad at her, but I cannot hate her. She does lead a more honest life than I have.

Sex, perhaps she will find what she needs to express with someone else that she cannot with me. My gut tells me who ever she is with her will learn very quickly and find out what I already know. I could be wrong, I’m I’m simply not the right one for her.

I have no plans on pursuing sex or like. I am still commited to working this out, if I can ever get the opportunity again. What I don’t know, will I still feel like this once I’ve learned she’s been with someone else. The though fills me with dread.

Again, I hope I can keep you all abreast of how this unfolds.

December 28, 2008 at 11:06 am
(102) Anonymous says:

How do we cope with a sexless marriage? Can ever achieve a satisfying sex life with our spouse?
I am a 47 year old teacher married for 23 years, father of three children. up until our third child, my and I had a satisfying sexual relationship 2-3 times /week, eventhough my sex drive was much stronger. We were close. However, this suddenly changed when my wife returned to work fulltime about 9 years ago.
The busyness and stress of both work and family caused a sharp decrease in sex. My reasonable loving sexual initiatives were often rejected, or were fullfilled only out of duty or obligation. Enter phase 1.
Phase 1: rejection –> hurt. Now what?
I had a few choices: I could wallow in hurt,
communicate with my wife, or try to romance my wife. I did all three. Wallowing in hurt did not help. Romancing my wife (emotional investment on my part) raised the expectations for intimacy (which did not occur) caused even more hurt. Communicating
in a reasonable and honest matter offered the most hope because now my wife knew that I had a problem. My problem was: I loved my wife, absolutely needed sexual intimacy, and needed her to show her love for me. However, for whatever reason,there was no change in her behaviour over the next year or two: excuses or this reluctant sense of duty. Enter phase 2.
Phase 2: resentment and bitterness. Now what?
I had a few choices: I could stop initiating sex,I could take matters into my own hands regarding sexual fulfillment, I could try to play superman (romancer, excellent father, do all the domestic chores, etc.), or communicate with my wife. I did all of these.
I completely stopped iniating sex with my wife because I wasn’t going to beg. She knew of my needs. However, this decision backfired in a big way because she didn’t seem to care at all. I, on the other hand,sufferd miserably and my frustration and anger grew.
In anger and frustration, I took matters into my own hands, and went completely against my own morals and values which included masturbating in front of porn images late at night. This of course, leads to a complexity of issues: guilt, shame, negative self concept, increased blame on spouse, increased resentment, emotional distancing,etc. so this decision didn’t help either. I tried to be superman but that too, only raised the hope and expectations for intimacy (which includes sexual intimacy), which left unfulfilled caused more hurt, resentment, and bitterness. Communication offered the most hope. Once again, I humbled myself, and told her of my neeed for intimacy which she interpreted as ‘pressure’. Result: my own personal guilt and no change in her behaviour so this decision didn’t help either.
At this point, the issue has become very complex for me with no easy solutions. My wife will continue to behave as she has but there are consequences she must also unwittingly cope with: an emotionally distant, depresssed husband (PS People describe me as a passionate and positive person but this is not the way I feel inside at home). Why the depression? a complexity of reasons: My self concept has clearly changed
( Am I a sex addict? Why is my sexual neeed so strong? And why doesn’t my very wife accept, understand, and love me? Why doesn’t she appreciate or respect these strong needs? Why do I feel so down about this?)
For the last six years, my wife and I have sex 2-3 times a year, usually she initiates the first one, I initiate the second and third one. I’m rejected on the third try.
I masturbate daily usually at night, sometimes twice a day. We share th same bed, which continues to be a constant reminder of personal rejection. I look at other women, but never touch another woman. My relationship with my wife is not close eventhough it’s comfortable. I am still bitter and I am not hopeful because it’s been too many years. I feel like an old man that’s been robbed of the greatest pleasure God has ever given a husband and his wife.
If you have any wise way of restoring hope please respond. Thanks.

December 29, 2008 at 7:48 am
(103) pastfirst says:

Sex in a marriage can work both ways, and I find it understandable that some people decide NOT to have sex. But I also think these marriages are doomed not to last.
I’m now married for the 2nd time.
I love my husband and enjoy “showing” him how much by having sex with him as often as we both want.It’s an expression of our feelings for each other.
My first marriage was unhappy. I didn’t enjoy being touched by my husband because my feelings for him did not exist.
What I’m trying to say is that married couples who’ve decided to have sexless marriages, do not love each other. They may respect each other but that is as far as it goes.
The above letter by Anonymous really hit a cord!
Rob, you deserve a medal for patience and understanding! You bouth need urgent help or counselling. Don’t accept this kind of marriage.
No…You are not a sex addict…just a normal MAN!

January 1, 2009 at 11:26 pm
(104) I'm Leaving says:

My husband and I have been together for 12 years. Married for just over 4. We’ve been fighting about sex for about 6 years. It wasn’t ever as frequent as I wanted it but compared to now it was amazing. Now I wish I would have trusted my instincts but I thought it would get better not worse.
I have felt the same way as everyone else. Unloved, unwanted, invisible, ugly and very very angry. In May I finally got up the courage to ask for a divorce. We haven’t been able to separate yet because of financial reasons and that is killing me. Living in limbo is even worse. I have started having an affair and like a previous poster, it did help my confidence and courage.
My husband is a great person and everything else in our marriage is great but I can not and will not let myself get sucked back in. I was so unhappy. I’m 36 and still hope to have a family since trying to get pregnant while not having sex is impossible.
It really does make you feel better to see you are not alone.

January 3, 2009 at 9:32 am
(105) waited for what? : says:

This is for Anonymous and for I’m leaving. Your stories resonate with me so profoundly. The part about how you try to accommodate and bend yourself emotionally to deal with being rejected sexually by your spouse, to allow you to survive a sexless marriage is exactly I how I feel.
After all the waiting for the 6 kids to leave and trying to comprehend all the different excuses given o pacify me; now hearing him in a counselors office admitting he had no intention of adjusting his sexual appetite now that stressors are less.
He was a little sarcastic, how could I have expected his appetite to change despite what he said, after all he has never had a high drive?
I like him as a friend, I respect him as a person; But I deserve a fully participating sexual partner.
I have raised 6 children with him, worked 60-70 hours a week to supplement his earnings, and been supportive to his many interests.
I have been left to feel like I’m a sex addict, but is reading about “normal sexual habits” that is far from true.
I am currently contemplating leaving

January 3, 2009 at 10:35 am
(106) Humanity says:

Again….I can’t resist and please keep in mind that the following comments to the specific individuals are of my own opinions only and that I mean no harm by them. I find this to be a strong topic worthy of opinion from all who care to participate. If we can’t learn from our spouses (life partners) then we need to learn from each other. After all, if you want to evolve, then get out and…..evolve.

To: Sleepless Nights;

I know exactly where you are coming from (or came from). I personally think you made the right choice for your life. It’s far too short to live miserably. There was obviously an issue to be dealt with but one half simply just didn’t care. I bet she does now though……too late.

I would say that the 10 years of gruelling punishment and insulting rejection you have had to deal with is payment in full (so to speak). Consider yourself lucky that you only wasted 10 years of yr life and not 20, 30, 40, or even maybe 50 years.

Partners need to realize that when one half has a concern……there is something to darn well be concerned about. The lack for one to initiate sexual intimacy can only be one of two things in my book:

1) A medical condition which should be taken care of…if he or she actually cares.
2) Your other half simply does not care for you anymore. Simple as that.

If the issue is indeed medical (which is not all that uncommon) and both partners have confronted the problem head on with undaunting force but nothing can be done about it, then my strong belief holds tight to the vows made during marriage….For Better Or Worse. I am a very strong believer of those four words but ONLY if my other half does as well.

You may hurt somewhat now….years of marriage is extremely hard to throw away when you deeply love someone but each of us needs to consider in situations such as this….who loves who.

Dare I say, sometimes a dog can make a far better companion. If this is where your mindset is standing right now people…it’s time to get out and enjoy the remainder of your life.

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To: waited for what;

You are obviously going to need to show your cards. In my opinion (and this is only my opinion) you need to hand out an ultimatum in order to get something seriously rolling here. It seems as though he simply doesn’t care about your concerns or, he doesn’t want understand them (in one ear – out the other).

For some reason, by reading your post, I get the feeling that what you are facing is medical. Something is not quite working properly and he needs help. If this is the case, I stand with my earlier comment to Sleepless Nights, “For Better Or Worse” but ONLY if he is trying to do something to remedy the situation. If not…get out and enjoy life, you earned it.

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To: Eastside;

How long are you going to beat yourself up for something you did years go? There was most likely a good reason for it.

An even better question is: How long will your wife let you beat yourself for it and know it?

You’ve paid the piper. It’s time you take a real hard look and see if our wife will ever forgive you and don’t tell me she has. If she did, she would prove it to you daily.

It’s now time to think…..”If the shoe was on the other foot how would you wear it?”. Is it similar?

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To: Besotted with humanity;

I must say I am flattered. I will however confess that I needed to look in the dictionary for the meaning of the word “Besotted”. ;)

I read your post and it saddened me to see yet again what appears to be a typical scenario. My guess would be off hand that you decided to connect yourself with someone that just isn’t grown up enough to make it past the 7 year hump.

By separating you already know what’s ahead or at least you have a pretty darn good idea but your hanging on based solely on what I personally see is two things:

1) He claims he loves you (that actually means something if it’s true)

2) You have 4 little topics (all under the age of 10) to consider and it would be nice if that guy that seeded them with all that great sex was a constant part of their life but if only…..

Three years ago you had opened a specific dialog whereas an ultimatum was put forward. Three years ago!!! If there has been no squirming after 6 months then in my opinion there never will be. Three Years!!!

Couple questions for you to think about:

- Does he like to have Sex or at least did he when you were together and how often?
- Who else does he love (and I’m not talking about the children)?

Three years!!!

Time to put the kids to bed, have a nice hot cup of Earl Gray, light up a half dozen candles of scented vanilla, dim the lights real nice and low, and tune in that soft rock radio channel. And while you are sitting there in the dim light all nestled into the plush pillows on the sofa sipping on that nice hot cup of tea, you start wrapping your head around the concept of someone sitting there with you with his own cup of tea rubbing your feet and softly “discussing with you” the plans for the cabin that should be built at some mountain lake somewhere where the kids can have fun on a rope swing and a makeshift water slide just beneath the Tree-house which can be seen from the cabin master bedroom.

Wake up girl. Time to start living and be loved. You already know it.

Three Years!!

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To: Anonymous;

Are you a sex addict? NO you are not. You are a Love Addict and you should expect nothing less. If you give it then by all means you should also receive it. No exceptions.

In the mind of a man (well…me anyways), for a woman “not” to give sexual intimacy is basically telling her man she no longer cares for him. And if this is explained to her and it still persists then it becomes an absolute degrading insult. This will continue to stew into an spiteful soup and ultimately separate the two of you into something you couldn’t wish on anyone.

In my opinion, you’ve lost. Buck up and live with it or, go out and life your life to the fullest with happiness and love. You also already know this.

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To: Those people that decided to move forward with their lives and be happy;

GOOD FOR YOU!. See you on the cruise ship of love and happiness. 

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Why do I keep coming in here!

If you have read one of my earlier posts you will know that I left my sexless spouse and I am here to tell you:

*** IT IS THE BEST MOVE I EVER MADE ***

I just wish I didn’t waste years to do it.

January 5, 2009 at 12:41 pm
(107) Torn says:

Well, I’m still at home, still not separated and still not moving toward divorce. I stayed home and didn’t visit the guy I’ve been talking to online.

Now, every time I bring up divorce, my husband gives me the same talk about doing what’s right and obedience to God. I can feel myself getting more resentful and angry each day, and I feel like a hostage.

Of course, the last 18 years of living without sex are apologized for and NOW he’s willing to put forth effort. :(

I’m just venting…

January 6, 2009 at 9:54 am
(108) ForeverYoung says:

I am married and we basically live like brother and sister now, because he hardly initiates sex (I got tired of being the one who put forth all the effort) I am beginning not to feel as strongly for him as I used to… I am also beginning to resent him a little, because personally I believe sex completes a marriage. At first I thought it was all the porn he used to look at online but now he only does that when I am out of town (at of respect for me and the kids, I suppose). In the past, he loved looking at Victoria Secret models, but when I offered to wear lingerie for him-he said he “didn’t think mothers should wear lingerie”!?!?! Now, I know why his first wife left him for another man (it wasn’t that she couldn’t stay committed to him-he was not giving her the intimacy that she obviously needed and she found someone else who would be fully in a relationship with her and they are still together to this day, so it wasn’t a fling, like my husband proclaimed it was…

I am only 38 years old and not ready to give up my sex life! I don’t know what to do as I married him for life and am fully committed to making this marriage work, plus,the kids deserve stability, we get along fine in other areas…I don’t think my husband is asexual. But this is now making me not care about my appearance because as I mentioned earlier why go to the all the extra effort if I feel like I am in a relationship with my “brother” instead of the lover he is supposed to be…

January 6, 2009 at 1:43 pm
(109) JB says:

Maybe a sexless marriage works for some, (dont know how), but the feelings of rejection are overwhelming and the craving for that personal intimate contact with your partner is so strong that he is leading me away from our marriage. I has been well over two years without sex and we have discussed the problem without a resolution. I feel that she is robbing me of the years I have left as well as the past few years that I could have spent with a woman who enjoys and needs my attention. It is only natural to crave it and one of the few pleasures that we are given in this life..Life is short, and dead is forever.

January 7, 2009 at 12:38 pm
(110) Lael says:

I posted back in August of 08, and felt compelled after recent comments to post again. A *Marriage of Convenience* is a very painful prison-like existence. For anyone who has a Spouse who shows no intimacy or affection towards them for whatever reason, it is a cruelty that someone cannot imagine. It does get worse over time, as you think it’s *you* with the problem, the…*What have I done to deserve this?* but it isn’t you…it’s them. They cannot relate to the touch, and they put their *Game Face* on for Family & Friends who have no idea of the torturous pain that you live in and craving that love and attention that one is suppose to have in a normal marriage. Promises are always made to spend the time to *rekindle*, or when the child that you were lucky to conceive at (one time) in your marriage, maybe leaves home, then you’ll have time and privacy, you hear the laundry list of excuses! But, in this economy and after 20 years of a prison-like marriage, isolated with your feelings, what can you do? You cannot afford to go and throw away your blood,sweat and most of all tears into what you’ve put into your home, child, and holdings of whatever that might be. I have had a large stake in what I have worked so hard for and to throw it away at this time is nuts. I feel at times I have been stripped of who I really am, I have questioned my self esteem, prettiness, etc. It is amazing to me at times strangers have acknowledged my looks right in front of my Husband and he is clueless and at times jealous of the attention given to me. That old adage of a *Trophy Wife* fits the bill here…but my eyes are opened for 2009 for a fine change for me and new horizons, and biding my time in 2009.

January 8, 2009 at 12:34 am
(111) Easteside says:

Dear all, It’s January 8, and life has improved. My perspective is gradually changing and the reality that there no marriage to go back to has really settled. I have started talking to my wife in a friendly tone about serious to not so seroius subjects. It is clear though that the idea of getting back together in non issue.

Now, for about 2 weeks, I’ve been making an attempt to meet people. Freindship and otherwise. I’m not really in the frame of mind getting back on the horse, per say, I just want to make freinds. The friends I have around me have been very supportive and I’ve found old forgotten friends have resurfaced and rallied around me. I do not feel alone.

I’ve been out of work for 2+ months now, and it loos like my efforts of finding a good job may be at and. I’d been contacted by 5 companies within the last week, all seemingly enthusiastic about working with me.

Now, I have to form an idea of how I want to live now. I will say, I’m over the idea of any long term serious relationships for now. Though I will say, that I see myself am a long term relationship guy, I want to experience sex in a way I haven’t before. That is to say. I’ve been in a serious relationship since I was 22. I’m 38, fit, attractive, funny and smart and I want to have sex with a lot of women. Maybe not a lot, just a lot of sex. I’ve been approach by 2 women lately, so I’m just going to go for it.

January 9, 2009 at 4:19 am
(112) mike says:

I was once in a relationship that became sexless as well. Aside from the sex everything was fine but I ended it and it was for the best. It takes some time to get over things but the frustration was just too intense. Everyone is different with sex. I think addressing the fact taht evryone is different with sex before you ever have sex with a aperson is a good way to try to gage if they will be a good sexual partner. It doesnt make you a bad person either if you split up over this issue. My former partner and I are still friends to this day and had we gotten married it would have been a disaster. Chnage can be scary thing but it can also lead to alot fo positive personal growth.

January 9, 2009 at 11:20 am
(113) Torn says:

It’s true that living in a marriage of convenience isn’t good, but my only consideration is my children. I find it extremely hard to do this to them.

Otherwise, I think I could live with the rest of it.

January 9, 2009 at 12:08 pm
(114) Lael says:

A *Marriage of Convenience* isn’t my 1st choice by any means, but,again with the economy being the way it is I do not have any other option…he knows that too. He seems to be happy *with the way things are*, nothing required of him(his terms). Things get mentioned in passing about *sex*, but it’s like asking someone to change the channel on the TV set…you keep on clicking that clicker to find the next bit of interest, if there is any. When he’s asked *what are we going to do with each other?* I get the *I don’t know* and *Good question*…*sigh* Maybe some decade or century it will make sense. My child has asked me, *why don’t you sleep in your bed? as I’ve set up housekeeping more times than not on the sofa…I really want to say *Gee Honey…why don’t you ask your Father* but I don’t dare cross that line. I cannot expect anything really to change after 20 years, and most of your shouldn’t. There is no *magic remedy*, sexy nightgown, romantic dinner, perfume, vacation, or physician that is really going to help. It is who they are…and they should have been upfront with their future Spouse about their preference for *living without sex* before they ever signed on the dotted line for a marriage license. I do feel cheated, robbed and lied to of romance, love and a very important connection with my Husband. That long lasting romantic link isn’t there, it is a very painful void that is ever present daily. A platonic marriage is not my cup of jo’, but, it is a new year, I’ll see what tomorrow brings.

January 9, 2009 at 12:37 pm
(115) Torn says:

Lael, I appreciate your posts. It seems we’re in similar situations.

When my husband and I were dating, I was the sexual aggressor. I realized just the other day, that we are simply a bad match in terms of sex. And no one really discusses that in marriage counseling.

At any time during the beginning of our marriage, if my passion cooled, (or at times, I was simply rejected), there was no one to match me – no one to pick up where I left off. Does that make sense?

If I didn’t put forth the effort, then no effort was made.

Just a few days ago, we were having a heated discussion about it, and he wanted to defend snuggling as foreplay. Which is fine if the snuggling actually leads to something else once in a while. But it made me so incredibly angry because that’s basically been our sex life for 15 years – snuggling.

After this discussion, I told him that, for now, I was willing to stay put, but that there would absolutely no physical relationship between us – cause now he says he wants to work on it.

You’re right. It feels like a prison.

January 9, 2009 at 1:25 pm
(116) Lael says:

Torn…I appreciate your posts as well.
It is very nice to know someone else in this universe understands this *Marriage of Convenience type prison*.

I have stopped the so called *snuggling*, nothing ever happens to make it a *Marriage Bed*, it is like being in grade school with the *kid next door* who wants to steal a kiss from time to time when the mood hits. I have stopped *asking* for any form of romance, even though he writes on a card during the Holidays of how much *he loves and needs me* and these are the real *gooey type* of cards that if they were to be shown to anyone, it is the perfect *Game Face*. I’ve come to not feel the same way at all over the years of disappointments, hopes dashed or being not thought of as a sweetheart in a card(the love is gone or that it was yanked out of me)my card is like one to a buddie (he knows it too, and says he is not surprised)… my cards are short, sweet and to the point, no fanfare. He says he wants to make things better, make time, romance etc….it NEVER, EVER HAPPENS. There is no magic pill, enticement, book, jewelry, counselor/clergy that has ever or will ever change him to what I thought I married..and for that, it has been the hardest pill to swallow for having loved him, and saying *I Do*.

January 9, 2009 at 3:20 pm
(117) "Franchesca" says:

I have been watching for a long time. Every single post here has been salve to my soul…

January 9, 2009 at 5:42 pm
(118) PreoccupiedWithLeaving says:

I have been married to my wife for almost fifteen years. When we were dating we used to make out and get really hot, but never had sex. I asked her, if we get married, will sex be an issue because I have a high sexual appetite. Her answer was “No!” that she was so in love with me, that she would never keep sex from me.

Well, we have tried to have sex five times over that 15 years, and all efforts ended up a disaster. She ends up crying, and I end up having to jerk off.

At first it seemed that she just had a physical problem (a overly rigid hymen)… and that could be corrected through surgery. We did that. Still nothing. So, we went a few years ago to a clinic and I sat in with her as the doctor examined her and said there was no reason we should not be having spontaneous sex. But she claims that trying to have it feels like she is being raped.

Dammit, I’m her HUSBAND!

We are both Christians… and I hate the idea of a failed marriage. But, I am at the end of my rope. I know she loves me, but I have been slowly getting more and more bitter toward her and our relationship.

I am an attractive guy, and get propositioned often by women (I live in Seattle where the women seem to be more aggressive than most other places because there are far less straight men than straight women — at least that’s how I see it).

I am very strongly thinking of cutting her loose. And have talked to her of it many times, but all she does is cry and make me feel I am taking her for granted.

What to do?

Sad to see I am not alone in this. And in the end, we are all driven to make one of the most difficult decisions of our lives. Do we stay, or do we go?

January 10, 2009 at 12:14 am
(119) "Franchesca" says:

This is a comment about hope, for spouses that are married to what seems like an asexual partner[spending more than 10 years never thinking about sex[but wanting intimacy], to wanting sex and intimacy for the next almost 15 years]

I had been married before for almost 10 years. Throught this first marriage we had 2 children, and I wanted nothing to do with him sexually after the kids came along. I didnt even realize that sex was truely a ‘need’, not a want. He was a very closed and self absorbed person so I thought this was just one more demand he wanted to place on me. He was angery alot, so I thought his anger and threats about needing sex were just another way to control-as ‘when’ we did have sex[yes, it was always great sex 'when' it did happen!!?]…I saw no benefit to our relationship….did not seem to bring us closer. So to me[in my youth] I thought, ‘Why bother?’
He eventually became unfaithful, and the marriage disintegrated in a slow painful way.

So about 14 years ago I remarried, and this time it was for ‘real’ love I thought. I loved most things about this man…and for the first time I really wanted to commit in every way.

We had sex[but not great sex-althought it seemed great for him] in the beginning, and we had 2 children.
After this, there was no more. That was it. He said he had what he really desired in life-a family, house, hobbies and kids. I knew this before we married, but I didnt know it didnt include me!
For the first 2-3 years after this ‘no sex I am too busy time’ I walked on eggshells trying to please him in every way[as I knew what it is like not to 'feel' the desire[and not even think about it!] and have someone not understand]. Then after 3-4 years I started to get frustrated and very depressed, then ater 6 years I started to get hateful and resentlful. That is where I am still am now….6 years of sleeping alone because he wont come to bed cause he is ‘busy’…and having 2 grade school kids at home that are so well adjusted….and even thinking of ruining thier little world just because there is no tenderness or intimacy.-[This makes me hate him even more]

We have tried counselling…made us even further apart. I have tried giving him space, I have asked him what ‘I’ should do about this, or how ‘he’ could ‘help’ me…he says to masturbate [as he does, as it is quick and easy and dosnt take up too much of his time]
I make ‘dates’ on the calender for an ‘us time’[as he is a 'calender' type person]…but he dosnt seem to notice the ‘dates’, and I cant bring them up cause he says its a turn off to be reminded.

Ok, I am done for now. And I see I have not even got out the things I really wanted to say, and ALL the ways I have tried to reach him, and all the ways he has blocked me and continuousley promises he will ‘try’. So I will keep reading here, and try again.

I am thankful for this thread of honesty.

January 11, 2009 at 11:21 am
(120) Lael says:

Franchesca…thank you also for your honesty. I can’t help but note the devotion to the children. As a Mother it is the only link we have as Spouses in a Marriage of Convenience. They wanted kids, but it appears to be nothing more once that chip has been played. They show to Family & Friends that they procreated, done their duty and carried on the family name etc. They provided the daily housekeeper, caretaker of their seed and want nothing more to do with the maintaining of the martial relationship that made that legacy happen. The coldness is what is the most deafening after years of walking on eggshells, I do know what you are talking about. There is *all talk* in the looks, gazes, stares, grunts, and swift walking away what could be warmth and affection in this coldest of seasons. They do get threatened when attention is payed to you, but, they cannot get past their own selfishness as you have become a possession and not a helpmate. I am very thankful for this thread and those who have courageously posted, we are in a strange and foreign place…and really not sure how we got here, but, searching for the right map for the best route to get out onto road for the beautiful highway of life, that we’ve been told about all these years.

January 11, 2009 at 11:30 am
(121) Eastside says:

My first comment is to “PreoccupiedWithLeaving”. I relate to a lot to what you’ve been saying, especially your demographic. I originally from Seattle, know what your saying about women from the NW and agree with your gay/ straight senerio. I, also married 16 years, with a recollection of a far off conversation of the early days, sex would never be an issue. Things change though.

After 15 year of that attitude, take advantage of the youth left in you and have some fun. She has you held hostage and it just won’t get any better.

I go to church every Sunday, but not have yet bought into any particular belief system, I do find it interesting that your wife, being ” Christian”, does not give this self of her as it is a stipulation within the bonds of marriage. Of at least that the general idea I had from a recent conversation with my pastor. Of course, you don’t want your wife to make love to you just because “God said so”, you want it to be earnest and the same basic needs coming from her direction. Right?

As a few of you may know from my journey, like yours, my wife and I separated and it was devistating to me. On the other hand, things have really taken a sharp turn positively in my life, and I’m on the road of fully excepting my situation.

By the way, this weekend, I did do what I said I was going to do. It was great, I enjoyed it and I didn’t walk away wracked with guilt. I did’nt think it was possible. There is light at the other end.

January 11, 2009 at 3:27 pm
(122) PreoccupiedWithLeaving says:

Something I had not mentioned in my earlier post is that my health seems to be very much affected by this whole thing. When my wife is out of town for any length of time, seeing family etc., I feel great. But when she returns, I become cranky, dizzy, upset stomach, I see auras and flashing lights in my vision, the slightest sharp sounds annoy me, and I feel very groggy and depressed. I have constant back aches and headaches, and I seem to have a constant mental fog that feels like I am half asleep all day long.

Not to mention, I don’t sleep well at night and often go for 1 – 3 mile walks in the middle of the night regardless of the weather… just to get out and because I feel nervous and twitchy.

The problem is, I enjoy her as a friend, but that is all she is and all she ever has been for all intents and purposes… and she seems OKAY with it except she wants ME to be more affectionate!? Come on… if there is no ribbon at the end of the run, what is the point in lining up?

Know what I mean?

January 11, 2009 at 4:13 pm
(123) Flying Solo says:

I discovered this blog in early December and have been reading the comments without leaving one of my own until now. A tremendous amount of the comments I have identified with and agree, it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one suffering.

My situation may be slightly different in that it was brought on by radiation treatment for prostate cancer – my husband’s last treatment was June 1999. Even though we discussed the various options available and impotency was a “big deal” to us we proceeded – me, probably in my normal state of denial….that it won’t happen to us. Well, it took some time but happen it did and unfortunately my husband can’t take any of the ED drugs as he has bad reactions to them….we tried all three.

I suggested we try to be intimate anyway – we don’t really need an erection but he wasn’t buying any of that. He’s from an era that believes an erect penis is the main event of the sex deal. He’s made it clear that oral sex isn’t an option when there’s “nothing in it” for him. You can imagine a major resentment at this remark.

I wonder too if being treated for prostate cancer got him off the hook for what was only going to occur naturally anyway. He’s now 73 and I’m 56. Horniness is in my genes; my poor dad complained about not “getting any” until his death at 92 so I don’t see my interest waning (although as time goes by I may be “flying solo”!)

So anyway, there’s a little bit of background. The thing is that I left my previous husband for the man I am now married to because the sex was lacking. I honestly felt like I had found my sexual match until of course, this prostate thing. We’ve been married 24 years and even though I am harboring some bitter resentments, I still love him….he is a good man. I have no plans to leave my husband – as others have said, the marriage vows, particularly since we have a medical situation here, do mean something to me. BUT if I was in my 20′s, 30′s or even 40′s I don’t think I would feel that way. Obviously, I left my previous marriage just because of that. Sometimes I think I’m getting paid back for that now. I eat right, exercise and stay fit – partly in case something happens to my husband and I can get “on with my life.” Aren’t I bad?

My ten year’s of a sexless marriage has gone through all the stages of grief…denial, anger, sadness and I am hoping I have entered the acceptance stage. Perhaps I can vent my resentments here and keep peace with my “old man.”

January 11, 2009 at 5:21 pm
(124) Flying Solo says:

After seeing my comments on the actual site I see that I left a WHOLE LOT unsaid but as you can imagine, 10 years of daily sexual frustration is way too much to write about! As I said in the beginning I related to so many posts…the feelings of rejection, betrayal, rejection, loneliness, rejection, rejection, rejection…..and YES, my husband is “clueless” too – like what we once had NEVER MATTERED. And I just have to “turn off.”

January 13, 2009 at 12:43 pm
(125) Lael says:

PreoccupiedWithLeaving…I understand the depressed related headaches, aches and pains that go along with being connect in marriage to a very negative person. It’s all the stress this person brings into your life and what comes out of their mouth. I have been fortunate to on occasion travel on business and have enjoyed my personal time away (I have felt and work so much better),so, in 2008 I decided to take a separate vacation for the first time over this past Summer and rented a inexpensive small cottage for myself and dog near the seashore. By the time I was leaving that morning, he was hounding me about leaving him with our child (who had classes and a Summer job etc.), the ride was about 2 1/2 hours from our residence, in that time he called me 10x! By the time I found the place and opened the door, I was in tears and shaking…but I remember what I said upon entering the cottage, “I can BREATHE, I can finally BREATHE!” I found a small place of rescue, I enjoyed my week, quiet, slept,ate and enjoyed the sunshine, read, and played with my dog, nothing special. I kept a small notebook and kept tabs of how many calls he made to me daily for the 8 days I was away…it averaged 9x a day! Many times I just let it go to voicemail. I must say, that all the aches & pains, headaches, fogginess of brain, went away plus, I actually smiled! I didn’t miss him at all (tho’ I missed my child)…coming home was a dread, back to the old lifestyle. After all this I have a different perspective, there’s no major feelings about being lost without him, no major longings to see or hear from him after being away, but physically, I knew his effect on me and I fight that influence everyday. His comments are always “negative” no matter who, what or where we are, he will find “fault”…the comments, criticism, the reprimands, are a daily walk to live with and hear. As I have stated before…a “Marriage of Convenience” is a prison that few can tolerate, I for one know that the clock is ticking, see the dates of the calendar flying by, and I can see when my sentence is up…soon.

January 13, 2009 at 10:07 pm
(126) "Franchesca" says:

Lael, I cant tell you just how much your encouragement lifted me for even a moment[and each time I return and think I am going to post again].
FlyingSolo, Preoccupied,Eastside,Torn,Foreveryoung,Humanity,JB,WaitedforWhat?,Anonomys,mike………
Everyone of you have been so helpful and brave to just share as you do, the good and the bad…holding back nothing. It has helped me[and everyone else I'm sure] immensely from pushing the ‘panic button’….or at least, just doing something impulsivley regretful.

I feel as though I dont even know what I want anymore. Dont even know if I want to ‘fix’ this[not that 'I' can]. I feel damaged to the core. I so wish I had not let this go on for so long…I dont think I did these children a favour.

I am thinking right now….do I want my girls to grow up to be like me?? NO!! Do I want them to marry a man like thier father?? NO!
Do I want my sons to be like thier dad??NO….but I have been in survival mode so long…a prisoner in a cell that decided to decorate. If I were ‘freed’, now, would I be any happier?? at nearly 50?? unable to support us?

I have to say, I did meet a very nice man recently. By what I have told him, he thinks we are just going to be ‘buddies’, nothing more, probably ever….and he ‘SEEMS’ ok with that. But I want try at a ‘more than friends’ with this man….but I jsut cannot….even though I might have the ‘key to my cell’I have realized the baggage[emotions, not my children!!] that would follow with me.

Again, I feel so damaged, and drained…my body hurts.

January 15, 2009 at 5:10 am
(127) ShamelessATL says:

I realize there is alot of real pain here, so please take this as the compassionate slap in the face you need.

Go get Laid!

If your wife or husband has subjected you to living devoid of the very healthy (physically and emotionally) benefits of sex. And, for years! This person, while maybe a great spouse in other areas has aborgated one of their primary roles in your relationship.

And, they have no right to feel cheated upon, they GAVE THAT RIGHT AWAY YEARS AGO. Nor, should you feel guilty. Besides, why should they even care if they’ve already thrown it out. The only responsibility you have is discretion. And, in fact, this will save your marriage things are good otherwise. Else, you will continue to build negative self images and store resentments, both of which push any chance of sexual recovery further away.

Remember, THEY THREW IT AWAY. Now, pick it up, reclaim it as your own and work it. And, next time we pass each other go ahead and be bad!

January 15, 2009 at 1:40 pm
(128) Preaching to the Choir says:

I read this entire thread, every single post. And there was a sense of relief. I am not alone. I am not the only one going through this. My pain, agony, abuse – there are people out here who REALLY get what I’m going through. Then I re-read #12, NobodyReallySays. And that post so mirrors what I’d never been able to truly express…

And then I got really ANGRY. Angry at him for making the choice of no sex for both of us. Angry at him for pushing me between living without sex or cheating. We have been together 13 years but after the last three years of virtually no sex (maybe 5 times in three years), I finally decided to cheat.

I started out sleeping with other women. I’ve known I was bisexual since my teens but this doesn’t mean I’m some hidden lesbian or that I have desires for women he couldn’t handle. I really and truly fell in love with this man and wanted to spend my life with him. Still do. But the lack of sex was killing me. So I went back to sleeping with women. Somehow I rationalized to myself that it was cheating less with other women than men even though I knew better.

But this summer I saw an ex-boyfriend. And then another ex. And another ex. It’s like they’re popping up out of the woodwork. But then it wasn’t an ex, just someone I liked.

And the truth is, NONE of this is what I want. What I want is sex with the man I chose to be with – and it’s the one thing I can’t have. He’s no longer affectionate – I initiate any and all contact. Hugs, kisses – he acts like it’s a surprise but at least he’s not actively pushing me away anymore. And believe me I’ve run the gamut of trying to create intimacy – movie nights with just us, candles, dressing sexy, sexy talk, porn (he won’t watch it together only alone), and just plain being interested in him!

I don’t know what to do. All of this going to end badly. One of my ex’s is a friend of his. He never knew we were ever lovers to begin with (never found out we had this friend in common until after we got together and we never mentioned it).

It’s like I’m daring him to say something. I feel he has to know. I come home later and later – sometimes not until 3 or 4 am. He always swallows my line that I’m out partying with my girlfriends. Never questions that I’m hanging out with imaginary friends he’s never met. We never drink, or at least we never used to, but now I do regularly. He never says a word about me coming home reeking of liquor and beer and sex. How can he be so blind and clueless?

How can he keep ignoring me?

Our one child will be in college soon. If he won’t go to counseling with me or work to resolve this by the time she’s finished with her first year of school, it’s over. I’m going to pack up and leave. I won’t have the excuse of having a child in the house anymore and I refuse to live with a man (or woman) that I have to beg for affection and intimacy.

Life is much to short. I get to do this once and only once. And we don’t get to enjoy sex for our whole existence. I will be too old for this one day. But I want to while I can for as long as I can. And I will, with or without him.

But I’d much rather it was with him.

January 18, 2009 at 5:11 am
(129) Eastside says:

Hello All,
In my last comment posted, I was a lot more cavalier about my new found freedom. In a little retrospect, I’ve been able to learn that in one hand, I like the idea of sleeping with many different people and doing this w/o guilt or attachment. On the other side of the spectrum, I am very much a monogymous type personality. But with 16+ years of investing my time in a person who is unable to physically happy, the prospect of me being satisfied or trusting the sexuality will play a longer element seems a fantasy.

That said, some of the women in this thread have the same problem I do/ had. That gives me hope that all women are not like my ex’. The murky area, is that the first 2 years with anybody can be steamy, so you’ve bought into a product but you don’t know what the warranty is. It’s there an extended warranty you can keep purchasing? I know, that’s trite, but really, if someone knows they naturally have a low libido, they should let this out before that other person invests a lifetime in them. I know, who can know that, especially when you young and in heat.

I see my (ex) wife walking in front of my house nearly every day (we decided to live in the same village for the kids), and my heart breaks every time I see her. She’s been working out and looks GREAT! As an ex-model, she’s always been a beautiful woman. I know she been out with men, but I do everything I can not to think about it. The idea still storms inside me that she’s getting and giving pleasure to/ from someone else, something I starved for, for so long. What a goddamn rip-off! I worked so hard for it, and some asshole is getting it for free!. Many of you know what I’m talking about.

Now, I’ll get off my high horse. I have had sex once since the breakup during the holidays, so I’m not in a position to be rightous. I may see another girl(s) over the next couple of days. When I have met with women, the thought of my wife vanishes from my mind. That should be a pretty good indication that I’m loosing more and more of my dependency for her love. I sure better, she moved on and not looking back.

January 19, 2009 at 3:21 pm
(130) "Franchesca" says:

from post #12 from ‘nobodyreally’ as, mentioned by preachingtochoir-

“…and as if the choice i am forced to make (do i sleep around and lose my marriage, or do i not sleep around and lose my sanity), is simply the worst abuse one could think up. because it locks me in an eternal battle with my conscience, who i am, and what i want from my life.”

I agree also, that was a post that hit the spot too[along with most of the other excellent ones here]
It is a battlle within. Do I want to sell short of all I believe to be right, honest and noble?
I read, ‘we are not given more than we can endure’…and I wonder, for how long?

ShamelessALT-that was a good ‘slap in the face’! When I read it I…it brought me to smile, then laughter! I am still chuckling over it. What a sence of humour you have!
You are really so right to the point when you say-”And, they have no right to feel cheated upon, they GAVE THAT RIGHT AWAY YEARS AGO.”

I agree. They did. There is more than one way to be adulterous.

Even though ‘they’ do wrong, I am still not convinced it gives us the ‘right to do wrong’.

ShamelessALT, I certainly did enjoy your post…and I needed to hear the flip side of this rejection. Thankyou.

January 19, 2009 at 10:24 pm
(131) Angel says:

We have been married since 6 months now and haven’t made love even once since our wedding day! It kills me from inside and there are days when I am so depressed and worried about our relationship because of lack of sex. Everytime I tried talking to him he either avoided the topic or called me desperate. I just ended up hurting myself.
We love each other and spend alot of time with each other. Everything seems so perfect except the lack of physical expression which in my opinion not healthy! I imagine being with him, kissing him, making out with him, long fir those moments as if we are not together anymore while he is sleeping next to me. I am lost and just don’t know what to do!!!!

January 20, 2009 at 12:08 pm
(132) Torn says:

Angel,

If you don’t have children yet, you should seriously consider your situation.

My marriage is also very satisfying, with the exception of sex. But you got married to have a spouse, not a roomate – which is what I’ve basically had for almost two decades.

Please don’t think it’s going to change. My husband was always in ‘willing mode’ – always talking about change, saying he was willing to change, but nothing happened. And it didn’t matter how much encouraged him or told him that I wanted to have sex with him.

J.

January 20, 2009 at 2:10 pm
(133) Sara says:

I too am in a low sex marriage, but unlike many of you, I am the one who turns down sex.
I truly love my husband of 5 years. We have 4 kids, and have been a very busy couple. We have sex once or twice a month at the most. He tries to initiate once in a while, and often I ignore his subtle advances. It seems to take all my energy to get into it. He is an amazing man, and I adore him, but I must confess that our sexual chemistry hasnt been that great in my opinion. He was a virgin when he married me, and I have had several partners and was also raped when I was a teenager. So I know there is a level of baggage going on. Our marriage is terrific on every level except this. The horrible part is I know I have a sex drive. I sometimes fantasize about other attractive men, and I masturbate once in a while. I feel guilty, and I admit I havent told him the lack of chemistry. I just am afraid of hurting him. I dream of us growing old together, and cherish every memory we have made. I dont want this to become a deal breaker for either of us.
Anyone have any advise??

January 23, 2009 at 12:36 am
(134) "Franchesca" says:

I agree with the advise Torn has given to Angel. This is the way he is Angel, and it is not going to change[well, slim to none].
If there are no kids involved then it is a deal-breaker. Can you live another 40 years like this?…and is that what is intended for us as married spouses?
My husband wanted nothing to do with me on our wedding night, and this is still going on 14? years?, and 2 kids later.

I didnt know at the time that these things dont change[again, slim to none]. I thought it was just a phase he was going through, or he was too tired, or his ‘headaches’. But he sure like to oggle other women or look at pornography behind my back. I didnt like this but thought one day he would ‘come around’. Never happened and I have never heard of it happening with couples once the ‘no sex’ has been established.[I even tried asking him if we could 'share' in the porno-he said 'no way' and that it was something just for himself]

I was married before and in a sexless marriage[MY DOING]…I just didnt have any real desire for him…although in my mind I still had sexual feelings…just not for him I guess.
It wasnt until it ended up in divorce, and I remarried, that I really wanted to have a sexual relationship.

Sara -your problem sounds so fixable! Sounds like moslty a lack of communication[along with extreme fatigue!]
Maybe your husband dosnt know how you feel, and maybe he too would like more of something[but dosnt know how? or what? that might be]
It is good you have still got ‘the feeling’…so it is still possible to fix.
You gotta tell him how you feel,and what you need, and find out if he is thinking the same!!
[I know it is not all that 'simple'-but you 2 still have hope!]

January 24, 2009 at 1:50 pm
(135) alone in a crowd says:

Wow, what a long line of comments! I’ve wondered for years how prevalent it is that couples live with little or no sex. I sympathize with everyone here. For my wife and I, physical intimacy is nonexistent. We got married in our 30s and did pretty well in bed for a handful of years. She met with an early perimenopause, which started making things slowly become less and less workable. Maybe a dozen years ago we ended up in separate rooms because of her nighttime coughing and my frequent twitching. We continued to “do it” on infrequent occasion, but the last time (which was more of an attempt because didn’t go well at all) was half a decade ago. And given the aging process (and her creeping weight, too), I can’t see it ever coming (sorry….) back.

It’s very frustrating. Several times every day I think quite unhappily about the lack of “whoopee” in our lives. We’ve become roommates, and while we do love each other our home life is really more a cooperative than a marriage. I’ve pretty much resigned my self to this because I cannot see how to change it.

January 25, 2009 at 9:26 am
(136) aliveagain says:

I am 48, male and have been dealing with this for 10 yrs. It sure didn’t start out this way.
She is my second wife and we met thru work. She was in sales and I was a technician which

led to us talking and eventully meeting for drinks after work. Our conversations turned from

work to other things over time. I was fully recovered from my first marriage, and was

briming with confidence and lust for life. She was in a seven year relationship and told me

she loved him, but was not in love with him. She said that she had not had sex with him in

over a year and only once the year before that. We began to have an affair which was intence

and very satisfying. She was perfect. Smart and sexy and above all independant. I never

thought I would ever marry again, but six months later,boom, there we were. She had

previously told me she had a low labito but things were so good I didn’t see it. I have a

high sex drive and thought it was enough for both of us. When we moved in together, things

changed. We did not have sex on our wedding night because we had guests in our house and she

cannot be quiet (another thing I found exciting). Anyway, as time passed things changed from

once a week, to once a month, to……. I can’t remember the last time. I blame myself for

this thinking I should have tried harder, but I did, and it was her that was always

rejecting me. After the feeling of rejection and pain, time after time, I lost all

confidence in myself and was unhappy in everything I do. I’ve been buying and trying

everything to replace the thing I miss most…..LOVE and Intimacy. Like many of you, I do

love my partner and it just not that easy for me to go out and just get laid. That,s not

what I want. I know that she wont change and we will eventually go our seperate ways. For

me, sex without love is empty and love without sex is torture.

A special thanks to everyone who has shared there feelings here. You have helped me see

things from all sides and have stopped me from feeling sorry for myself. The feelings of

resentment have been lifted, and I have began changing the way I think looking forward to a

brighter future.

When I am ready, I want my wife to read this page. Maybe she will understand what she had

put me through, and in turn, understand herself a bit better. Who knows.

January 30, 2009 at 1:18 pm
(137) Lael says:

After reading the above comments…it is so easy for someone who posted to say *Go Get Laid*…to some here it brings a laugh, a half smile and a smirk. But for someone like me, it just isn’t the momentary remedy for a broken heart, eyes full of tears and hurt spirit, it’ll just be a band aid for a very deep sorrowful wound. I don’t do casual, and I am sure many here who have loved their Spouse at one time or another cannot be that *simple*.

My Husband has finally and shyly agreed to make an attempt to see a Sex Therapist…I am not sure where this avenue is going to go in our *Marriage of Convenience*, but I told this Counselor this is my very last attempt at anything in this relationship, as I cannot take this seesaw anymore. Results and not the language of *soon* is what I want to see, hear and experience. Been to too many Counselors, I hope this is the *ONE* and then I can proceed to go forward without any further regrets…and not to just *get laid*.

February 1, 2009 at 12:26 pm
(138) "Franchesca" says:

Lael, if you have no kids at home, I think you are on the right track. ‘Soon’ does not cut it after many years of rejection, only results will do. Making a decision[by leaving no stone unturned] and following through is the only thing left to do. I know th pain also.
We all have different ways to cope with gut wrenching pain through long term rejection. -[pain that is 'ongoing' and involves only myself]…some of us cope with temporal humour for many personal situations.
I, [maybe many of us] do not say to the extent we suffer. I find myself no longer finding a reason to get up, and stay out of my bed. I get up to feed my kids and hug them…look after their basic needs…then back to bed I go[I work partime]. I even dont answer my phone unless I see it is the school. My self esteem is shot to hell. I ‘pretended’ for several years I was ‘overcoming’ this….and kept up my appearance physically….but no more….I am a shell of a person now, where up till even 2 years ago could have had[AS THEY SAY]-’any man I wanted’…..but I dont care about that…never did….I want MY husband….which makes this so very painful.
A ‘roll in the hay’ with just anybody just wont do.
I wouldnt/couldnt find humour over someone elses pain…such as a chronic wayward child, someones medical condition, financial loss, marriage problems…etc.

Please keep us updated Lael on how this counselling is working out for YOU!

God Bless, and the very best to you Lael.

February 2, 2009 at 4:08 pm
(139) Andrew says:

As I read hrough these posts I do feel a sense of comoraderie with most everyone here.I have read alot of posts online for different reasons wy a woman would stop having sex with her husband and there is a myriad of reasons. She is taking you for granted, she does not respect you anymore, she feels taken for granted, etc. etc. Our life changed after having a child. I have read that this is common also. After our first child our sex life went downhill. My wife had post pardem depression and couldnt deal with much at the time. We went for seven months or so without sex (this was not counting not having sex while she was pregnant)At the end of that time I was relating my story to a good friend of mine (a woman) and I kissed her-that is all, I have no reason to lie about it here-. I felt horrible about it and having an honest relationship with my wife I told her about it. Since then we have had two more children and frankly that was the only time we had sex regularly. We have sex approx. once a month now and she wants it overwith asap. I have sent her love notes, told her I love her, asked if there was anything new she wante to try, lost weight, and have made a concerted effort to try and get to the bottom of it. Nothing. She says she loves me, and says she desires me yet she doesnt kiss me, compliment me, touch me. if I touch her she stiffens up. She will let me rub her feet and her back but nothing else. Sex seems to be a chore to her.
She has told me to “take care of myself” but is disgusted if I do. I am at a loss! She seems fine with all of this but its killing me-its not the sex anymore it is the intimacy and closeness we used to share.it seems gone. I do not know if she is having an affair – maybe/maybe not. It seems that everything I read though is based on the man getting to know about a woman with little care at all placed on the other side. I cook, clean, take care of the kids, and work full time. I am at a loss….Thanks for “listening”

February 8, 2009 at 11:09 am
(140) "Franchesca" says:

Andrew, looks maybe like maybe your wife is the one confused. She dosnt want it, and is trying to shame you into not looking after your own needs. I hope you are not buying this.
There is nothing wrong with helping yourself as long as one spouse is not denying the other because of it. This is my case. My husband looks after his own business as he thinks it is just better ‘time management’….and tells me I need to do the same. He feels my happiness should NOT depend on him. He pays the mortgage, and helps with the kids…’what more do you want’ he says.

As to what you have shared, sounds like your wife is confused about ‘Marriage first, kids second’, out of chronic fatigue after having 3 kids and maybe working on top of that?
If you had a good sex life before, maybe in 5-10 years things could turn around when the kids are more self sufficient. If you could wait that long, along with counselling, would be so worth it.
Thing is, the kids should not have to pay for her lack of commitment to your relationship. I dont care what all the new agers think, I have lived long enough to see that the kids will be the ones who pay. They NEED both of you at hand.
I believe the marriage bed is sacred, but I would not judge anyone for doing what they needed to do [after much counselling and communication, along with making the other spouse aware of the possible reprocussions of a sexless marriage]…to remain in the marriage soley for the commitment they made to the well being of the kids.

February 9, 2009 at 7:22 pm
(141) Sobs says:

Well reading the thread i now know that there are many ppl suffering from NO sex marital life like me. M 27, mother of a 2 yr old boy, married for last 5 yrs, with countable sexy nights… he loves me, cares for me but….

ive cried, cried alot…spent many nights awaking n waiting for him. I feel like m stuck, i have no choice of leaving him cuz i dont want my baby to suffer his whole life just cuz his mom wanted sex from his father.

I just want good suggestion…is cheating the only option….though being a muslim girl m not cut out for it….but do i have any other choice…??? this feeling of being rejected, unnoticed, useless thing is killing me everyday n night. He says its my problem not his so i have to get through it myself… what should i do….should i suicide silently,,, i dont want his care for my fever that happens once in 2 years. i want his love his affection , i want to sleep with him in his arms. All my friends do that why cant I…??? i know i look good than why is this all happening with me…??? m going crazy and sooner or later i will be requiring a psychiatrist or smday my deadbody will be found somewhere…!! i cant live my whole life like this

February 10, 2009 at 7:31 am
(142) Todd says:

Wow, after reading some of these comments, I dont feel so poorly about loss of sex in my marrage. My wife has lost interest over the years. We have been together for 10 years now. I am there every night of the week for her. Sex usually consists of me giving her a massage (for usually an hour). I try to convince her into this most every night. This is usually just massage, no genital or intercourse, which is OK, mostly, for me. But I do crave more most of the time. I have learned to understand, but it sometimes makes me feel unatractive, uncared for, unappreciated. The one thing that holds it together, I trust that my wife loves me and feel confident in the truth of this. Bottom line is that; you have to feel loved in a marrage and know it is real. Otherwise, it is unhealth and unrealistic to think a marrage will survive.

I am surprised at how many women wrote in here telling stories of how the husband is the one that does not want sex – incredible! I suggest the wives look up testosterone replacement therapy (Androgel is one) and discuss with the husband. I am 42 and have been taking hormones for 3 years. My sex drive is huge, but under control (Im not running off because I cant get intercourse more than our usual once a month) – just seeing my wife and touching her is a real turn-on for me, so the massage feels good for her, and is playful enough for me. My desire for her increased, my general mood has gotten better (at home and work). My energy has returned to what it was in my early 30′s. I feel energetic even after 9 hours at the office and even after completing my yard chores – which have gotten easier – testorsterone has lead to increased muscle and I have lost all my stomach fat – I have a “sort-of six-pack”now. Yes, there are potential for side effects. I prefer to live better for decades and give up a few years late in life, than live with low sex drive, low energy and poor mood for rest of my life. I highly recommend it – I love chasing my wife around again.

February 19, 2009 at 4:22 pm
(143) not crazy says:

Saddest thing is on this long thread are no stories of success with the partner. Love my husband of 13yrs, together 6yrs before that. When we met as virgins I thought his not pressuring beyond making out for 3 years was out of respect, never dreamed it could be lack of interest from a man! Then I thought he was hung up b/c we weren’t married, twice during the honeymoon should have been the clue. He claims everything is fine, I’m the one with a problem with 1-2/mo. Pay attention if you’re only a few yrs in! If you cry yourself to sleep and can’t stand the rejection u get just lying in the same bed with a man who doesn’t want u, do something it won’t just get better by moving to the sofa. I was so quick to blame myself. Promises promises that things will change and they’ll throw you a bone with mercy sex, but then you’re right back where you started. From hurt to bitter to a shell of who you are- feeling like a weak, needy freak for wanting your God given right. Years slip by while you hope and try different things. You all described the hurt and rejection so well. Not to mention the pretty trap once you have little ones with this wonderful person in everyway but one. He’s promised counseling for years once we have our bi-annual blow out all to nothing. I used to really judge cheaters and say they should leave first, now I’m the one trapped and see it’s not always that easy. When I think of all the boys I fought off and then all these wasted years it tears me up. I’m so wounded, I don’t know if things could ever be the way I dreamed they would. If he suddenly was interested, I don’t think I’d believe it. In all his lack of enthusiasm he’s never once asked me what I would like and therefore even when I get some attention I’m so desperate for from the man I truly love, it’s just okay. He can’t bring himself to talk about it in any way. He never says a word about sex or even a sound during. Claims he never masterbated and for months hours of oral and he couldn’t orgasm when we started out. What did I know my first time around. Now for him it’s just another job. He probably settled and now I pay for that. Really, we wouldn’t have sex once a month if I wasn’t ovulating, somehow his body overpowers him, that’s the only way we have kids. I wish there were hope, it’s such a degrading and humiliating existence. All while he says he does everything for me, except what I ask for, to feel wanted. No complements, no desire, he even skipped our last anniversary completely. I used to be a strong woman. I’d never put up with abuse…little did I know I’d put up with emotional abuse. I pray someone got their spouse back, but I don’t see it here. Not crazy, just losing hope.

March 9, 2009 at 12:35 pm
(144) sobummed says:

This makes really sad. I’m glad I found this forum, but now I think I have held out hope for too many years. I’ve been married for 17-years and have not had a good sex life since! 2-3 times a month if I’m lucky. Usually less.
I should have known better, my wife promised lots of sex after marriage, pre-marital sex was infrequent, she claimed due to her religious upbringing. After we got married she said she’d be “wild” . That was not quite true, no sex even on our wedding night! I should have run… We have had periods when she wanted to get pregnant and we had lots of sex, those days are long gone. She used to wear perfume, not anymore. She always claimed it wasn’t me, but she never compliments me, or says I look good, nothing, It was that she had a poor body image, weight problem etc.. I never cared what size she is or was. In recent years it has been “I’m too tired” or some other excuse of the day, and it’s my fault because she has to work, if I don’t like it, go out and get a better job so she can stay home. Well she only works 3 days a week now, no improvement, and she just laughed when I complained, it was “my” problem, and her friends husbands complain about lack of sex too. That’s life, get over it. I love her and want her. After 3-kids she wanted a tummy tuck, I said go ahead if that will make you happy with your body, of course I expected to benefit. No luck! I don’t think I can take it anymore, Those few times we have sex, it’s pity sex that starts with her putting her book down and saying “I’ll have sex with you, but hurry up I’m tired” it’s all me, no adventure. She climaxes, or she is possibly a good faker, I don’t know anymore. I can hardly even get there anymore , and when I do, it’s just not so good. The mental emotional connection is not there. She caught me looking at porn a few months ago, and acted shocked and hurt. said it was the worst day of her life. She always told me to “go take care of yourself” that’s what I was doing but it isn’t what I want or need. I am tired of the rejection, tired of feeling worthless, tired of the sleepless nights and angry at having wasted my the best years of my life. I’m 45-years old, a healthy good looking man and I hate my life! If it weren’t for the kids I’d be long gone.
I wish there was a fix ( which is what I came looking on the net for)but after reading all these posts I’m not too optimistic.

March 10, 2009 at 5:15 pm
(145) Lael says:

A follow-up on the meeting with Sex Therapist and my Husband…we went once. He decided to cancel the other appointments, didn’t like the *2* books the Doctor recomended, considered them *porn*, plus the kicker was… that he told the Doctor he wants ***SEX*** I was floored! Plus I was the one who didn’t want SEX! UGH! I thought I went into the Twilight Zone after that! He has made an attempt, but I felt totally nothing. The Doctor just told us *To Just Do It*, like the Nike Ad! To be passionate, anamalistic…UGH! To let the past be the past and move forward to reconnect. That all sounds well and good unless you’ve lived this mess for 20 years! I have no idea if he will ever go back, and it’s now *all about him and his needs that need to be met*. Never mind for all the years I begged, pleaded, cried, and mentally tore myself to shreds wondering why me? I don’t know if this can be salvaged in a romantic way. I am just trying to sort *me* out and where I am going after this *light bulb* moment. I will say, I am glad I went…I now know what and whom I truly am dealing with now.

March 11, 2009 at 8:40 am
(146) Torn says:

Lael,

I’m kind of going through the same thing. After 20 years for us too, this is really, really hard thing to just ‘restart’. I honestly feel like I’m being asked to have sex with someone that I now have no desire for. I’ve been working at this for two decades, and when we started to really talk about it, my husband said the same thing – “I thought you didn’t want to have sex”! And it didn’t matter how much I encouraged, he says now that he thought I was only telling him what he wanted to hear.

The torturous thing about all this to me is that he IS my best friend. I enjoy talking to him, sharing with him – but the physical aspect simply doesn’t exist for me anymore. And right now, I’m having to decide whether I’m willing to go to counseling to work on this or get separated.:(

I don’t want to hurt him or my children, but I just don’t think I can do it.

March 12, 2009 at 9:18 am
(147) Dean says:

Many comments that are very disturbing to me. Maybe because I am married to a woman who in the begining loved sex and now 17 years later wants nothing to do with it. I love it, want it, need it, MUST have it. We will most likely divorce over it because I refuse to live a married life with someone I can’t have a sexual relationship with. Jane’s comments really are the most rediculious I’ve read though and the fact her husband puts up with it is even more of an issue.

March 20, 2009 at 10:14 pm
(148) Noah says:

Ladies,

I can almost blame your husbands sex drive loss to there lack of testosterone production. Being a student in this area for many years I can attest to the fact either anti depressants are being taken or lack of exercise + alcohol are causing the loss of sex drive. Please take your husbands to an endocrinologist where they can do a full checkup of hormones to make sure there testosterone is not low. If you can start working out with your husbands in the form of weight training or resistant training this will almost always instantly increase both of your sex drives due to a natural release in hormones. If you have any questions feel free to email me at noah.beach@yahoo.com

I don’t mind people emailing me or knowing my name. I know this is such a big issue in marriage today. I am in school for nursing right now but seriously am considering endocrinology so I can help couples in need.

March 21, 2009 at 8:09 pm
(149) Renee says:

I am breathing a sigh of relief to finally find others that share my problem. I have been internet searching for awhile, thinking “I CAN’T be the only one who’s husband has such a low sex drive”! Like so many of you I have gone through all the thoughts and emotions of wondering what was wrong with me. Why doesn’t my husband desire me, etc. etc. He is my very best friend. He compliments me, he is affectionate, we spend lots of time together and he enjoys physical contact, but not sexual. We have sex once every 2 or 3 months. I feel like it has to be a production for him, ie; dirty talk (which I’m very uncomfortable with)for him to get in the mood. Where as I would be happy even if it was just wham bam thank you ma’am. I would be grateful for ‘pity sex’ even. I see there are several who have posted here that have it much worse than I do. I would not leave him for anything. I want to grow old with him. He is such a good man, and so loving and the greatest father to our 3 young kids. However, I find myself thinking more and more about seeking out gratification with someone else, if my man is not willing to take care of my physical needs. I don’t know if I could ever really go through with cheating. He is the one I want to be with, and the one I want to WANT ME! But I get frustrated and hurt (like all of us it seems) at the rejection and neglect. I can’t imagine a better life with someone else. Our life is so good, but the lack of physical love is painful. We’ve been together 15 years and I’ve often thought about how my youth and looks are slipping away with no one to ‘fully’ appreciate me. After reading every one of these posts I am determined to at least TRY to talk to him about this again. It’s been a long time since I gave up trying to discuss this as no solution ever comes. I appreciate the advice about supplements that might help his drive and hopfully he will be open to looking into that. Thank you all so, so, so very much for sharing your experiences. It helps greatly to know that it is not just me having a problem that I shouldn’t care so much about.

March 23, 2009 at 8:01 pm
(150) MacOf MA says:

The relationship with my wife began 28 years ago, when we became friends and lovers. Sex was an important part of the relationship, but not a dominant factor. Though I had many lovers before her, it was the time I learned to control my passions during intercourse to prolong the experience. However, it was five years before she agreed to marry me. During this time we had a good deal of ecstatic interludes as well as too many hurtful fights. It has been three years since I’ve had any kind of sex at all with my wife. The decision for celibacy was hers, not mine. And it has been the most difficult and challenging time of my life. I’ve grown a good deal, mostly due to the struggle to overcome depression, feelings of rejection, sexual deficiency, and unattractiveness.

Many things happened throughout the 25 years that led to the decline of our sexual relationship, and until three years ago I wrongly accepted almost all of the responsibility for this. All that time I never realized that she has so many issues with her own sexuality. In every instance, discussion, and argument she fully blamed me for sex that was less than perfect or even less than pleasurable. Now I realize that she was never comfortable having sex, but couldn’t admit this to herself, let alone me. She began the relationship claiming what a great lover she was; while I entered the relationship somewhat insecure about my sexuality. My real issues of abuse were only coming up at the time we met, and I acknowledged my vulnerable spots. But we worked through a lot of this, until years later she brought up issues to spite me.

From the very beginning she gave me detailed accounts of how the great sex she had with her previous boyfriend, sometimes even while we were having intercourse. I should have seen that something was wrong, that she sometimes needed the fantasy of a past lover to get aroused. But I kept coming back to her, no matter how painful the experience. And during times of extreme stress, my arousal factor was only fair at best. But I kept working at it, trying to please her sexually, at any cost. And in the end she would always climax, usually through intercourse. But I would do anything and everything to try to arouse her. And often it was difficult to arouse me, as there was virtually no touch coming from her towards me. Over the years she participated in fewer and fewer types of sexual activity. Towards the end missionary intercourse with neck kissing was the only touching. Well, you can tell the sex was not very good since our early days. And it became less and less frequent. When we first met we might have sex a couple times per week. From years 10 – 20 it was more like once a month, and sometimes once every two or three months. Ironically, the last year we had sex we did so a few times a month. And during this time I had practiced ejaculation control. And I discovered Viagra. And when we had sex she admitted it was the best sex she had since she was a teenager. The best sex with me ever. But after a couple of months of this, she stopped. Entirely, and hasn’t gone back since. She forgot that she enjoyed those last times so much. I remember them clearly because I keep a journal and even quoted passionate exclamations.

So what happened? After 27 years of being blamed for being a lousy lover, for never being good enough for her, for her always taking credit for whatever went right and blamed me for what ever went wrong, and for all the years of physical and verbal abuse she gave me, I got really down on her and the marriage; I thought it was over. And guess what? I fell in love with another woman. We became best friends first, had so much in common; spent hours and days talking and nurturing and supporting one another. And temptation came on strong. We are both in excellent physical health, and by all accounts considered to be good looking. She was in a similar relationship with her husband, abusive behavior, months on end with no sex, etc. Bam, we were both so turned on by each other we eventually gave in and participated in the most gratifying, beautiful, loving sex I ever had! We both realized we had been hoodwinked by our spouses; their efforts to keep us fearful, self-doubting, and at home. The relationship with this friend did not last, though we continue to care deeply for one another. She separated from her husband, and moved out of her house. Several months later I did the same thing. But in those in-between months I learned she had issues that I did not want to take on, so I ended the affair. However, I moved out of my house, for three months the most difficult time of my life. I was laden with guilt, felt an obligation to support my wife and her crazy emotions, and was lonely. With an ultimatum from my wife and her suggestions she would be sexual again, I moved back home to give the marriage another try. Six weeks back there now, and still no sex. And to tell the truth, how comfortable could sex with her even be? But I need to be here to resolve the issues once and for all. Not to run, but confront. I’ve learned a lot, and I do not know how it will turn out. However, I am holding onto a pleasurable vision that involves a passionate loving and healthy relationship.

March 25, 2009 at 8:21 am
(151) Talor says:

i have something for the ladies here….
that have some rough times without sex….
this is a book that helps you change the sexual energy into spiritual one by doing some exercises…
it is a genious method and works for me…
and i am happy to share it with you…

Healing-Love-Thru-Tao-Cultivating

it is like making love with yourself…

March 26, 2009 at 12:12 am
(152) Sophie says:

iIam 46 years old, attractive, and always had a healty sex life. I have been married to my husband, 50 years old, for 10 years. in the last 2 or 3 years our sex life has been deteriorating. We have not had sex for over 18 months. Outwardly all seems ok – my husband claims to love me, is alwasy very courteous and respectful. BUT deep down he is angry, he lives his own separate life, and now refuses to have any true intimacy. He also refuses to talk about it and believes that counsellors are ‘for fools’. I can see very clearly that I have two options – I stay, for the sake of the family , and increasingly feel disenchanted , unhappy, and without the kind of intimacy and fullfillment that a relationship cna bring(and that I am so wanting to give)OR have the courage to leave my husband, deal with his anger, his tears, and his recriminations that this is my fault.

In the meantime, I have been having a relationship with another man – not that I believe that thsi relationship is going to be the answer to all my problems, but it has helped me find mself, and realize that I am not crazy for wanting affection, and great sex. I know what choice I am going to make

To those of you who think that you are too old, too scared, too resource-strapped to leava passione-less, sex-less, adn ultimately love-less marriage, I say: just think how you will feel in 20 years time and remember that unless you see signs of change, things will stay the same, only more so as time goes on.

may we all have the courage to live our life authentically.

March 26, 2009 at 12:06 pm
(153) ann says:

I am going to leave my comment in the form of a letter to my husband, I don’t consider myself to be overly picky, bitchy or lazy so don’t judge until you read it all.
Dear Hubby,
When we first met I saw a MAN who was raising his teenage child alone, who had been cheated on and abused ( according to you) and had come through it well. You took pride in the projects you worked on in your home, in yourself and your accomplishments. I LOVED that man more then I can say!!
Immediately after the I do’s, you began to ……devolve(?) into a 10- 16 year old child. I’m not even sure where it all started anymore. Was it the trust I lost in you when you screwed up several home projects that cost us thousands of dollars because you didn’t need help and I was too picky? Or the fact that you would go to work and talk about which body part you saw on my daughter and how it looked ( yes I realise they are adult but they are still my CHILDREN!!!! Maybe it was the admission on your part that you brought a $65,000 dollar college loan with you that “I thought I told you about”.
I told you when we were dating that I’m an independent person having raised 3 kids on my own for 16 years before you came into my life, you gave me absolutely no space once we were married, I couldn’t even be in the bathroom for more then 10 minutes without you knocking on the door asking if I was ok, or God forbid I even look like I’m going to the bedroom because you’d literally RUN in behind me like a 16 year old horn dog. I could go on and on but I’d just be repeating everything I’ve already told you both nicely and very nastily. How much is there to be interested in when I have to deal with your crap smears on the toilet seat that you don’t see, your 2 inch toe nails and bushes growing out of your nose that you GIGGLE about when I mention?? Am I supposed to be attracted to the pouting when you finally want to be involved in decision making or the whine in your voice when you say things like “What is there for me to be happy about”? Maybe I should want to jump your bones when you look at OUR 2 year old grandson who wants you to pick him up and say ” GET AWAY FROM ME I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU” or maybe it should excite me when I try something new in bed and you GIGGLE like a virgin and in a high pitched voice say “WHAT ARE YOU DOING”? I don’t know what happened to the MAN I married, but I treat you according to the way you act. Between you and menopause I seriously doubt I will ever want sex again.
Like I told you at least a hundred times ” IF I WANTED ANOTHER CHILD I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD MY TUBES TIED!!!” IF I found out today that you were having an affair it wouldn’t bother me in the least. At this point I feel somewhat guilty because I know it hurts your feelings that I don’t want sex with you but since I just can’t get past your immaturity enough to want let alone enjoy sex then I guess I couldn’t fault you for looking elsewhere.
I know I’m no where near perfect but no one has to tell me to shower, brush my teeth, shave or trim, clean my messes up, I take pride in my work whatever it may be and strive to do my best with everything. I married you because you led me to believe you were the same way and apparently once you had me you no longer had to continue the farce. Now you have a mommy not a wife so deal with it!!!!!!!
Love,
Mommy

March 26, 2009 at 12:16 pm
(154) ann says:

I need to add a couple of thoughts to me “letter”. Hopefully some of you will see yourselves in it and try to do something about it before it’s too late. I’ve been dealing with my husband for about 7 years now , we’re both almost 50 and have been sexless for about 3 years now. menopause played a part in my lack of interest, but the biggest problem was/ is his total dismissal of my suggestions/ complaints. He just doesnt’ seem to understand how things like this build and build until they destroy feelings.
I seriously believe that if I called his ex today and questioned her about their 17 years of marriage during which she cheated and he went without sex for over 10 years she would tell me a lot of the same things I have experienced with him.
I made my bed and I’ll lie in it ALONE and happy

March 26, 2009 at 5:43 pm
(155) Fiona says:

I am in a dilemma. I am 46 been married for 18 years and have three children the eldest is disabled. My husband spent 15 years of our marriage working away returning at weekends. We have not had sex for 2 years and in the last seven years it has been about 6 times. I don’t know what to do. I had an affair a year ago and fell in love but the guy did not want a relationship. One bit of me things just get on with it sex is not everything look at all the abuse and torment in the world and I’m moaning about having no sex. Then the other part of me things I’ve got enough in my life with my handicapped child surely I deserve a bit of happiness. I like others have felt anxious, lonely all of these emotions and desparate for a man just for the closeness. My husband is a good provider, loyal, committed father. I cant make a decision whether to stay or leave! any ideas?

March 28, 2009 at 11:45 pm
(156) MacInMa says:

As a marriage partner whose spouse claims to make love with her higher power, rather than than me, I am NOT interested in learning about someone’s path to great self love. Masturbation. That is SO FAR from reality: sexuality is God’s way of communing with through our body with another — in this reality. When somebody is more interested in masturbating than they are with sharing with another, they got a problem relating. And that is what I have been up against for several years now. At first my partner claimed the issues were with me. Then they claimed they were due to physical ailments. Now my partner claims it is for religious reasons. See the pattern? No sex is good. But this position isn’t what I believe. I think sex is good and healthy and not sinful.

It’s been more than 3 years of no sex with my spouse. One brief affair reminded me of how wonderful sex can be. And, by the way, profoundly spiritual too! Now I am trying to confront the reality of the whole relationship, all there is and all that is missing and WHY? Who knows how it will play out. I know my strengths and weaknessness. And I am trying to make a go of it with my spouse. But it takes two to tango, and two for sex, and two to make a marriage.

March 31, 2009 at 7:35 pm
(157) trishna says:

Im married – 13 yrs.
have a kid – 2 yrs old.
no sex since conception.
sex was once a month before the baby, mostly obligatory from his side.
I feel unappreciated, unloved, unattractive.
Low confidence, less self-worth than I started out with.

brought to to discussion stage regarding DIVORCE.

He doesnt want to divorce – says, “I wont let this happen to the kid”.

I want a more fulfilling life.

Just that… it isnt proving easy to take the step and do it – mostly because family have a say and they scream that it is not worth the “world outside” of marriage.

What to DO??? Help anyone?

April 1, 2009 at 11:03 pm
(158) MacInMA says:

i feel for you. this is one of the toughest positions to be in, certainly the hardest of my life. married 27 years. no sex in three years. which is not only frustrating, it’s depressing to feel such rejection. but it is also a sign/sympton of emotional distance too. and probably a sign of your husband’s poor psychological state. and hopefully it is not a weapon. my wife uses it as a weapon. there is hope for you to become an incredibly strong person by growing through this time. and i don’t mean you have to stay to grow; simply you are getting toughened up. a good thing. keep us posted.

April 11, 2009 at 4:09 pm
(159) anonymous says:

I’m twenty five years old, and my wife rejects me everytime I want sex. I am over it and when the time is right i’m leaving her.

April 13, 2009 at 11:12 pm
(160) Onesaddude says:

My wife used to be an animal in bed. Over the last 12 years she won’t even let me touch her. It just happened overnight, we began hanging around a bunch of couples where the women refused to have sex, and now that is us. I begged my wife the other night just to let me touch her for a little bit, even once every three months. She told me no and to get over it. She said that maybe I needed to see a shrink and get medicated to deal with it. How sad it is to hear those words come from the woman I love and gave my life to. Now she acts like I’m a jerk because it irritates me that she sends friend requests to old boyfriends on face book and talks about other guys with her friends. No matter what I do I cannot win. I feel ugly, unfulfilled, alone, and miserable. In fact, I am 41 and I feel like my life is over, and wasted the prime of my life just trying to get my wife to look at me or acknowledge that I am at least slightly attractive to her.

April 14, 2009 at 10:36 am
(161) Bob says:

Marriage and abstinence seem to go hand in hand as your your marriage goes on. My ex wife was a superfreak when we first got married but it slowly waned away. Then she got really freaky and wanted rough sex and to be raped was her fantasy. I tried to oblige but was not rough enough and she admitted to never having an orgasm over 17 years of marriage and 3 kids. I was in awe…after 4 yaers of sleeping in the back room with no chance of sex I filed for divorce. The best thing I ever did for myself. I know now that she suffers from a mental or emotional illness and I am not a therapist.

April 19, 2009 at 2:00 pm
(162) Renaye says:

I’m deeply saddened by reading these posts. I too am in a marriage with someone I believe to be an asexual man. He was very sexual with me in the beginning; and, it was a primary attraction for me as I grew up in a strict, and fanatically extreme Christian home where girls were taught to abstain until marriage. I dreamt that one day, “when I was married”, I would be able to have all the great sex I’d want with my husband. Not so.

I feel that he lied to me; but even more importantly, I feel that he doesn’t know that he’s lying to himself. For him, it’s such a shameful thing for a man to not have a desire for sex that even just the mention of the subject between us causes him to “freeze up”. He keeps telling me he doesn’t know why he doesn’t want sex. He says he had so much of it when he was younger and that it never resulted in a truly fulfilling relationship. He says, mostly he and his partners just used each other to get off physically, but they never had any real trusting, warm and lasting connections (even in a previous marriage). He is very jaded; and, I can’t get him to see that he’s headed down the same pathway with me by choosing this course of action. He thinks he didn’t choose it, that it’s just “happening to him.”

This situation would be easier if he was a really blunt person like some of the other asexual posters I’ve seen in this thread. If he just said “it’s too much work,” “I’m tired,” “your vagina’s too big for my penis!”, anything, something would be better than this waffling: “I want to have sex with you; but I just don’t get the urge anymore…,” “I don’t know why it’s happening…” ” I don’t want to subject myself to ridicule in a doctor or therapist’s office….” ” I’m 54 and I’m beginning to think this is just what happens when you age; I can’t help it….” “I wanted it and then suddenly I didn’t anymore.” I feel like he thinks I’m an idiot or something when he says things like this to me. They sound so dishonest. Over the years, I’ve tried to suspend judgement. As a partner, I thought it was the right thing to do– to show compassion on what seems to be a sensitive subject for him; but now, I think he’s just running a game, controlling me emotionally so I won’t leave him. I bring the subject up so much that the other day he actually told me “You make me feel like all I’m good for is sex?!” My mind was blown. I felt like i was talking to a woman. I feel myself losing respect for him, but I’m at a crossroads, biding my time until I can get out because i don’t think it’s going to change and this saddens me because everything else is so great. He’s the best roommate, provider and friend a girl could have, but I need more. I feel crazy and overwhelmed!

I’ve tried to be sympathetic and understanding for years now, but when I see that he makes no “extra-effort” to get help, see a doctor, take libido enhancement drugs, try to engage in other types of intimacy, initiate conversation with me about it, etc. I start to believe and trust him less, and less. I too, like so many others here, am resentful that in order to stay with him, I have to either be sexually frustrated/ dead, or seek physical connections outside of the marriage. I feel I should leave first before cheating, but my resolve for that is slowly fading because I’m not in a position financially to leave.

On the other side of this story, it’s not all his fault. I have to take ownership for what I’ve brought to the table. I, like many of the others here am afraid to leave and be on my own (but I’m getting better with that). I suffered much emotional, physical, sexual and religious abuse as a child causing me to break-off ties with a large extended family that absolutely hates me now. I didn’t invite them to the wedding. And, I didn’t have a wedding for a long time because I couldn’t figure out how to have a wedding without family (emotionally). He and I have been together for 15 years but only married for the last five of them. I often imagine that this family I have to let go of everyday (it was all I knew) are waiting for me to fail and it unnerves me. How do I face a world alone without the emotional support that my my husband has provided? A support group just doesn’t feel the same and I have a very hard time trusting people and creating new relationships in general. I can’t go into all of the details in this post, but I’ll say, I spent many years depressed and feeling suicidal. I’m not unstable, it was just a lot to go through and although, my husband has been steady financially and faithful through the years that I struggled with this, part of the reason my depression was triggered in the beginning was because I thought my life with him would be the cure – that I’d go happily into the sunset to enjoy my life with a new family in a healthier way. Now, no-sex equals no children, no family – a very big blow indeed. I no longer believe there is no such thing as a “saviour(s)” metaphysical or otherwise. I have to work harder at loving and saving myself. I know now that it’s self-destructive behavior to stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling things that are important to me. And, if they’re that important to me, why am I hanging around? I’m afraid! What if we’re all just really using sex as fix to ward off feelings of inadequacy, and loneliness, or just to be validated that we exist? What if it’s being used like a temporary fix for those issues? I think there is a fine line between sex that is a natural flow forward from a true mental/spiritual connection and sex that is being used to satisfy mainly pure lust and instant gratification for emotional issues and or/validation needs. I’ve been on both sides: needy and authentically caring, but mostly on the first one. I’m 42 this year and I still have a lot of growing up to do.

The good thing is that this onset of the depression I had led me to seek out therapy that I needed to get over childhood abuse/trauma
I initially went because I was trying to fix my marriage, but when I found out how much I had to fix in myself first, I kept going, alone. It made me stronger, but there is still so much to do. The years I spent depressed about my marriage and my family ruined my career. I’m back in school now pursuing a second degree in something I’ve always wanted to do and i feel more alive now. The depression is gone; but I still feel insecure about going back to work with such a large gap in unemployment. But I know now that I will overcome that. I am ready for a new life free from emotional pain and suffering (partner or no partner). In truth, part of the reason I didn’t work during my depression was because of my absolute rage for the sexless marriage. I felt forsaken and I wanted revenge. My husband’s a workaholic who works the night shift (go figure) at a major technology company. He makes a very good living. I figured if I wasn’t getting any, and he wasn’t doing anything in life but constantly working, then one of us might as well take advantage of a more leisurely existence. As I have no children and no reason for disengaging from the workforce other than the deep depression i fell into; I’m sure this was not helpful to the health of our marriage or good for building “sexually attraction”. It probably made him even less interested in being sexual, but he’ll never say that to me because he’s so disconnected from his own needs and feels that you should never tell someone exactly what you want if it may hurt their feelings. He’s like an emotional eunuch. He never talks to me about what he needs. It’s like he feels that he shouldn’t even exist. I think we were both depressed, but I’ve gotten out of mine, and he’s still in his, refusing to acknowledge that it even exists. I have since openly apologized for my voluntary dependancy but it has not changed things. When I get strong enough, mentally, emotionally and financially I will leave and start again. I am hopeful that this time I’ll be stronger and more capable of saying yes to relationships that are really healthy. I’m currently reading “Women, Sex, and Addiction” by Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.d and it’s helping me to know the difference between healthy sex and intimacy and the other kind that pulls you into crap you don’t want to get involved in. I highly recommend it for women and men, both sexual and asexual, as it deals a lot with the underpinnings of why people choose certain people as sex partners and the dynamics that lead to healthy connections.

This post may paint a poor portrait of me, and that’s o.k. There’s so much more to who I am. I just wanted to be truthful about my story in particular, as I am hoping there is someone else out there who might benefit from hearing about how I ended up here. I have gained so much insight from everyone else’s posts (asexual and sexual). I am grateful and appreciative and want to return the favor.

May we all find a way to experience real joy and be free from pain and suffering.

April 23, 2009 at 6:50 am
(163) sort of married says:

Every man who is reading this and is not married must have sex before marriage.
We are told sex is for marriage but you wait and see. you will cry in the dark that your wife just doesnt want it no matter how often you try foreplay cunnilingus and sweet words.
I used to get sex seasonaly when we were new together, now I avoid her because it hurts to be rejected all the time with no light at the end of the tunnel.
She also put the new born baby in the bed with us so the chances are zero.

April 23, 2009 at 10:09 am
(164) elisa says:

I am 31 and I’ve been married for only four years but my husband stoped desiring me almost 3 month after we got married, they are days that I go to bed crying because I miss sex so much I’ve spoke to him in all the ways posible but he always makes excusses. I am really getting ill about it because I really want this to work plu s I have needs and I am still young, don’t know what o do because just by chance I got pregnant with our second child and I can see my self being 35 and acting like 70 year bitter old woman because I am becomig impossible, I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to cheat on him but what if I have to?
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

April 24, 2009 at 1:51 am
(165) Renaye says:

Elisa,

I’m sorry about your situation, I can really relate to it. I wish I had some definitive answer but I don’t because I’m in the same boat. But I do know this, taking care of you and your babies needs to be the number one priority. Your mental/emotional sanity and self-love is needed to be a good parent and family member. Going to sleep crying every night is heart-breaking for hear about. Try to fill some of the void by finding and doing non-self-destructive things that have nothing to do with your husband. Sometimes successfully creating joy in other areas of your life bolsters and prepares you for a difficult journey ahead which may include becoming a single parent and there is nothing easy about that decision / lifestyle. I’m assuming you’ve already tried every other route (intimacy/marriage counseling, talking with your husband about it, etc…) You are not alone…

April 24, 2009 at 2:08 am
(166) Renaye says:

Sort of Married,

Sex before marriage is no predictor of a partner’s future sexual behavior; and, I think your post could applies to both women and men. How can we possibly know if a woman/man will withhold sex later? That’s the question that plagues us all. In the beginning, everyone (including men) acts and talks sexier to appear more attractive and because those romance hormones are at work. Maybe the idea we have to toss is “love at first sight”. Maybe we have to spend a whole lot more time getting to know the person before making a long-term connection. I don’t know though. I’m just asking. It’s so confusing to try to understand how to approach it.

April 26, 2009 at 9:30 pm
(167) Michelle says:

I am glad that I am not the only one who feels this way! I have been with my man for 6 years and he has not had any sex drive for me in the past three years. He says it is not me but that isn’t the way it feels. Rejection and ugliness is attached to this very extremely and makes me feel worse about myself every day. We do have a child together which makes it even harder to decide to leave but at this point it looks to be the only solution. Being 26 and not having needs fulfilled doesn’t make any sense to me. I have tried talking to him about it and all I hear is that I am a nag and all I do is complain. He doesn’t see that I ma trying to save our relationship, apparently he doesn’t want to save it as much as I do. Another reason to get out now.

April 28, 2009 at 2:13 pm
(168) "Franchesca' says:

To Renaye, you said- ‘I’m afraid! What if we’re all just really using sex as fix to ward off feelings of inadequacy, and loneliness, or just to be validated that we exist?’

“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time,…..” corinth 7

Renaye, sounds to me YOU are on target here…even with your unhappy/unbalanced, background/childhood.
We are supposed to have this….’the marriage bed’!!…in our private life…’lest Satan tempts us’.

I am saying this to YOU, as a reminder, as I am sure you know this verse well. Hang on to it. Dont give up and blame yourself in any way for wanting your God-given right in marriage. It appears your husband has broken his vows and there is, again,….more than one way to commit adutlery.

My aunt[68]-50 years of marriage!!], who has raised several children, told me not long ago….through all the bad, bad times in thier marriage, if they had ever completely stopped having sexual relations….the marriage would have been over many years ago for the both of them.
There is something about keeping those vows that keeps marriages together….for better or for worse. Without it, it is no more than having a roommate.[unless both are in agreement]

April 28, 2009 at 8:14 pm
(169) Joan says:

Have been married to this man (much younger) for 23 years, and we’ve had sex twice in the last 12 years.

He used to make awful comments to me, such as “why are you so dry”…those were my menopause years, but that didn’t matter to him….no compassion & no understanding.

After being his built in maid, cook, bottlewasher & general housekeeper, i finally told him to do all the above himself for himself.

We now go out separately for our socialization, and he still is too freaking lazy to cook for himself.

If i had known he was just looking for a mother to take care of him, i would have run as fast as i could.

Don’t take this crap from a man or woman…there’s a world out there, and many looking for someone to actually love.

April 29, 2009 at 5:07 pm
(170) Flying Solo says:

OM Gosh, Joan! You mean a younger man is NOT the answer?!

Having been married twice I am now done (altho I’m a big believer in never say never!) I believe marriage is a romance-killer. I definitely relate to what Francesca’s aunt said! Going on 10 years with no sex I have come to believe that God created sex so that men and women could STAND each other. And I have read that Bible verse to my husband on more than one occasion.

Altho my husband can be a great guy, funny, caring in his way and is financially secure we often have some very rough moments. I know that I am at times a bitch because I’M NOT GETTING ANY. If he had ever paid any attention to the last 25 years of our marriage he would see there is a direct correlation between my attitude and demeanor and having great sex. But frankly I don’t think he really gives a damn anymore; he just wants to be left alone to watch TV and check his emails every 15 minutes. It is not economically wise for me to leave him and I now think me retiring early was all a way to keep me dependent on him – MY BAD!

Most of all I am deeply akin with Renaye and her thoughts. I appreciate the name of the book she recommended as I am a woman in recovery from alcohol, being sober almost 15 years. Unfortunately alcohol is behind most of the bad decisions I’ve made in my life, including marrying a man 18 years my senior because the pre-marriage sex was unbelievable. Great sex lasted a couple years, then “good” sex for another 10 and now none because of his treatment for prostate cancer. As I mentioned in my earlier post, he is unwilling to try alternative methods of intimacy because “there’s nothing in it for him.” I try to encourage endorphins by “taking matters into my own hands” (and therefore also appreciated being turned on to the Healing Love thru Tao book which I read when he starts to snore!)

I am certainly cognizant of the fact that being of an addictive personality I may be needing this sex stuff more than someone else. I guess simply because it feels good. However, you non-alcoholic people out there set me straight if I am wrong!

Ladies and gentlemen – this sucks! But I personally am in it for the duration as I said. Again, I feel compelled to say if you are financially able get the hell outa there! I believe the lives we are living will make us physically sick from the stress which is why I saw a doctor a couple months ago and got on an antidepressant. BUT I hate that I had to do that!

May each and every one of you find the courage to change the things you can! (or accept them gracefully – altho it’s tough!)

Peace….

April 29, 2009 at 9:01 pm
(171) "Franchesca'' says:

Lael!! That is just what my husband said in marriage counselling. Oh yeah! He told the Dr. that HE wants the sex, but that “I” am not receptive!!!!! I near fell over. I couldnt even say a word after that because I felt so betrayed and lied to. After all the years of begging and pleading……I find out it was ‘a turn off’ to fall to that level![I guess it was in hindsight]
Now, for the last several years he sleeps in a different bed in the house….and says it is because ‘I’ dont want him there in ‘our’ bed….oh, how he twists my words!
In part, he is right. If we are only married on paper….no, I dont want him there.
So that fixes his problem!

May 1, 2009 at 11:58 am
(172) GettingBurnedOut says:

Reading all these comments is “almost” relief in itself. I’ve been married for 12yrs, together for 15, have two children and almost no sex life anymore. Started out great but in the last 5 yrs just gotten worse and worse. I’ve talked and talked to my wife, but she just seems to block it out like theres no problem at all. I’ve suggested she visit a Dr. for hormone testing, maybe marriage counseling, but then again theres no problem. Other than no sex, she’s more than I could ask for, I still love her with all my heart. I just don’t know what to do, an affair is COMPLETELY out of the question, solo helps like a bandaid but the scratch is still there. Not sure what to do, just keep getting more and more frustrated, or just give up?

May 1, 2009 at 12:34 pm
(173) Torn says:

Franchesca, this is also what my husband said – “I thought when you became a Christian in college, you just weren’t interested in sex anymore.” Unfortunately, that does not match up to reality.

GBO – That is a question only you can answer. I am divorcing my husband, but it’s a very painful process that’s taken me months to come to terms with. My husband and I tried books and counseling when were first married, then we had children, which allowed for distraction. We had talk after talk during our 18 years, but nothing ever improved. It wasn’t until I began talking of divorce that he took me seriously, and by then, I’d had enough.

My husband is also more than a woman could ask for in many respects. He is very kind and gentle – and a tremendous servant. But he’s passive and shows very little aggression. He and I also have very different views of the future. I could continue living with him, but we would always be roommates – never lovers.

I’ve talked to many people and heard so much advice – both good and bad. Ultimately though, each of us has to choose for ourselves and live with that decision for eternity.

May 2, 2009 at 1:36 am
(174) "Franchesca" says:

Torn, I am saddened and also a bit glad[now that your kids are raised], that you have decided to get on with your life if you can do it financially. Its hard to be happy ‘on your own’ when you are living in basic poverty.
I believe when one with-holds the essentials/basics of life from thier partner, then the vows are broken. I think we can apply to ‘after having done all, stand’, to more than what it appears.
My husband is also has a wonderful ‘servant of all’ disposition….even to me much of the time. But as I said, we are only married on paper as vows have been long broken[but he cant see it cause he is 'fine']-sleeping in separate rooms to make sure there is no chance for intimacy, for years, is NOT fine to me!

I think there comes a time when there is just nothing left. And the cost of staying is bitterness and rejection….which affects every area of ones life and relationships…..just becomes too high.
We are made to ‘cleave’ to one another…if this is never possible, to connect, there is no marriage relationship.

I would say if anyone can live like this,they definatley should, but if they cant[after unturning EVERY stone for years], then what other option is there after one has fulfilled their first responsibilities in that relationship.
Even if the lines of communication could stay open on this issue….there is still some kind of hope and reason to stay and keep working for a future.

Getting burned out- I agree with Torn on the fact only you can come to the answer. There seems to come a time where the emotional benefits of staying in a relationship where the basics of marriage are withheld- apparently on purpose?…there will come that time where it seems the decision is ‘made’ for you by the with-holding, uncommunicating partner.

May 2, 2009 at 10:40 am
(175) hopefull says:

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and 1/2. We are trying to decide if a marriage will last without sex. I hate having to decide between the most loving emotional connection I’ll ever have and a complete lack of physical connection, or going on my own and seeing if I can ever find both. I understand that people can live without sex… but can a marriage survive without it?

May 2, 2009 at 1:28 pm
(176) lonelygirl says:

I’m 4 years married my husband 44 and I’m 29
I think sex is a part of happy married life…my husband love to sleep than to
do love making .. I want baby he like too. but he so lazy..Im just thinking maybe he is tired I’m trying to understand him..
but.. always like that.. I feel ugly.. he doesnt love me anymore .. think his my roommate and I can’t stop crying being rejected. its hurts ..to avoid self pity.. do things make me busy.. and sometimes open my computer until I feel sleepy because I can’t sleep..its makes me broken hearted..

May 17, 2009 at 12:43 pm
(177) sad says:

It is good to know I am not alone. I was married 3 years ago, got ready for our first night together and he said he was too tired, I am still waiting for that night. Next week or when I fell better is what he says. It does hurt and I cry more and more. I think of sex and imagine what it should be like. I just want to be touched. He says he thinks about it but doesn’t try because he can’t finish. I wish he would try. I am very alone, ashamed, because I have started thinking of an affair. Work has become the place I am the happiest. Home is depressing.

May 19, 2009 at 10:43 am
(178) cf says:

I am in my Mid 20′s and I have been married for 7 years and I am getting tired of being rejected.I have been pitting up with it on and off, we bouth have talked about it and she has admitted that it was her and not me. She said that we could only do it twice a week and that hardly ever happens and that last fight went bad and she said then no more sex period and I said ok lets see how much this relashinship lasts. Lately I have been thinking about a divorce more then ever, I just keep asking my self can I really live a life like this with no sex and we are bouth sllepping in sepereate rooms now we have 2 kids and thats the hard part. I love my kids so much and I already tryed everything even when we did have sex I always made sure she was pleased (2 orgam for her).I help her around the house and help with the kids and I pay all the bills, and I work about 50 to 55 HRS per week and I just don’t know what to do, I started to workout just to keep my mind of sex and I am in really good shape, but I don’t know for how long I can last with this situation.. pleae advise anyone…

May 20, 2009 at 12:45 am
(179) "Franchesca" says:

sad, If you dont have kids[you didnt say], I personally can see no reason to stay in a realationship where you feel rejected, ashamed and unloved. I think the marriage vows have been broken. People dont get married just to be roomates! They get married to share things that can’t be shared anywhere else. Not saying a divorce is the answer at this point, but going away for a while[a sublet?], giving your spouse time to think about what he may lose, might be an option.
I would love to hear a testimony here of a marriage love rekindled after being broken….but I have not ever heard of it, let alone on here. But I am still holding out hope….

cf- As they say—’sex is 10% of the relationship when it is there, it turns into 90% of the relationship when it is witheld’
I too am in the same situation as you ‘cf’, and ‘sad’. Still waiting many years for our ‘honeymoon’…but seemingly accepting his ‘time’, 2? times a year since our honeymoon[and only on my insistance].
I too have told my spouse, ‘this is not going to work, this wedge will drive us apart’….the decision will be made by default.
But, for the kids……
I just cant see them suffer a divorce because of ‘my’ unmet needs[not wants-NEEDS]….so I am at a standstill right now, one day at a time.
Because of the bitterness in the home after so many years of growing apart and having separate rooms, if I had the financial resources, I would certainly temporarily remove myself[and the kids] for a time for both of us to be forced into coming to terms with the potential forever loss.
It is near impossible to have a loving[in everything this means] relationship with no ‘lovin’. And to ‘put up with it’ makes one bitter and secretly hateful. Kids can sence this and their so called ‘resilience’ is only temporary….while they are young. The real impact and damage shows up later.
Things do not necessarily get ‘better’ once divorced, because there is just a new whole set of problems, usually worse[bigger] than the original-[when there are children involved].
cf- have you considered a temporary separation? Both promising not to get involved with anyone else till it is resolved?
If I had the resources, this is what I would do as I doubt this will resolve ON ITS OWN[as my spouse has promised it would]…well it has not.
The garden needs tending….weeds grow well out of control all by themselves, but the flowers need our care to not get choked out.

May 25, 2009 at 10:24 pm
(180) Cajun Engr says:

I am in a sexless marriage and it is miserable. My spouse was told by her priest that since this was her second marriage and it wasn’t blessed by the church, the only way that she could receive communion was to live like brother and sister. I have found nothing in Canon Law to support this and certainly nothing in the Bible. Either the priest is incredibly ignorant, my wife is a liar or I am wrong with my point of view. Incase someone wants to play the benefit of the doubt, I don’t have affairs, and my wife is healthy.

Unless this changes and she can bring passion to the marriage in word and actions, this marriage will end soon.

May 28, 2009 at 9:35 am
(181) "Franchesca" says:

Cajun, that is truely rediculous and I can see that it could potentially be the catholic priest….also sounds like she jumped on that one as some sort of strange justification to ‘excuse herself with permission’.

So….play her game….get your marriage ‘blessed’ by whatever means the priest is speaking of[re-marriage in the catholic church?], then make your decision. Divorce is HELL. Leave no stone unturned.
If you do this, you will know for sure if it is really her lack of want for you, or her religious convictions….then your heart will be free also of regret.

By the way, according to the Bible, it is apparently a sin to withhold marital relations from you spouse….as this will cause them to ‘stumble’.

It is too bad that a person can/would use a Bible to justify thier own agenda….and adding insult to that….it comes second hand!!![a priest]

June 3, 2009 at 1:22 am
(182) dan youngs says:

Ok im a 24 year old male who was forced to grow up to fast at 16, when my parents put me in rehab. Im out of rehab now. But the first time I had sex was when I was 20, with who is now my ex wife, and last time was when I was 22. Now my first girlfriend I had at 19, then married at 20 to my next girlfriend, then my last girlfriend was at 21 and lasted until I was 22. Now at 24, I dont even bother looking at women, for one its pointless, and another reason I think about how much energy, time and effort it takes to be in a relationship, and that is what turns me off. I don’t know maybe I’m burnt out or by having to grow up fast made my mind age, and priorities and needs change.

June 8, 2009 at 12:49 pm
(183) JustMe says:

4 times in four years, been together for 11 years. My husband tells me all the time the one thing I can do to end this marriage is cheat on him. How is it cheating? I asked him to get therapy to deal with a host of issues, and he has and it is helping with the anxiety, stress and other crap I put up with, so now the guilt is ten times worse. Plus, we have a toddler. How do you leave someone who says they are working on it? How long does he get to ‘work on it’ while I sit around feeling lonely and stir-crazy? I am so afraid I’m going to cheat, but at the same time wish I was. It’s nightmarish being stuck in your own head like this. Thanks everyone for sharing.

June 9, 2009 at 1:24 am
(184) julia says:

I am sorry to read all these. I am proud and happy to say that I am not suffering the same. I am with the same man for 3 yers now and we still do it always as if it was our first time. I wear sexy outfits sometimes to play a little and this makes our relationship fresh and new. If ever, hope God will not forbid, tht I will ever treated the same as you guys, its better to walk away than to stay married without sex. Sex is important. It is the language of two people inlove.

June 10, 2009 at 10:46 pm
(185) MG says:

I am turning 50 this year. I started dating my wife when we were 16. We married at 25 and have 2 nearly grown children. Sex has been an issue through all of our dating and marriage. I think I am a sex addict and she is a prude. Both may be far from the truth but it is fairly accurate. She makes excuses all the time… when we are married, when our house is clean, when the kids are grown, when we lose weight, and the excuses go on and on… Even after each excuse is solved, we don’t have intimacy. We now have sex a couple times a month. (I guess I should be happy for that) It has been that way since marriage. When we do have sex, it is usually because she feels it is her duty or she feels sorrow for me. It is almost never when I innitiate it. She decides when I will have sex. She achieves orgasm easily and often when we are intimate. She often says afterward that she doesn’t understand why she doesn’t do it more as she enjoys it. I always take care of her needs sexually (when we finally are intimate). She on the other hand, wants me to get finished quickly. She pressures me to quit wasting time and get it done! How romantic.
I have thought of leaving her or finding another woman on the sly, but I really care for her and don’t want to hurt her. I truly wish I didn’t want sex, but I do. I have thought of killing myself, but I don’t want to leave behind a bunch of hurting people. I often wish I could just disappear and go away. I feel stuck here and will just finish it out in misery.
Sorry for the whining.

June 12, 2009 at 4:00 pm
(186) Torn says:

MG,

Did your wife grow up in a dysfunctional family, have an overbearing parent, or experience sexual abuse?

‘Women Who Love Too Much’ is an amazing book that I just finished reading. I know it seems like an odd title for one who’s not having sex, but it’s all wrapped up in not getting our needs met in a healthy way when we were children. Maybe she would talk to you about it? Or perhaps she’d just look at the book preview and see if she see’s herself:

http://books.google.com/books?id=CzAXvOjl-CoC&printsec=frontcover

June 20, 2009 at 11:26 am
(187) Murron says:

This thread has been going on for over a year, with so many people writing from their hearts. I left a marriage that was so sexually empty I fell into the arms of an old boyfriend who enthusiastically courted me into an affair. He described his marriage as sexless, and if I hadn’t been experiencing the same thing I would have thought he was just saying that to ‘get’ me. At the beginning I held off from having sex with him for nearly a year while he persistently and playfully enticed me until I finally — and with much relief — gave in to his advances. Then we reveled in our lusty joy, meeting as often as possible, wherever we could find time and space. The guilt at home for me was ALMOST as difficult as the sexual emptiness with my husband had been, but the guilt was overridden with the built-up anger I had stored over a decade of sexual disinterest from my husband (as many here have said: I felt ugly, neglected, unwanted even though my husband, a very good man in every other way, did love me). I told him about the affair and he was sad (no anger expressed, no flare of passion in response to the news, just resignation) and I stayed with him, continuing (discretely, which meant lying to him about my whereabouts frequently) for about three years. Now and then I would bring up my affair to him (he never asked) and ask if he wanted a divorce (no, he did not). Eventually I moved out, bought my own house, and we have lived separately. I feel like HE should be the one to initiate a divorce, but it seems that is about as likely as my prior expectations that he should initiate sex (it was always me, if we did engage at all). My boyfriend is still married, with kids at home and although sometimes he shows up here with talk about moving out of his household and either into mine (he would be welcome, but it’s not a condition from me about our relationship continuing) or into his own apartment (I think that would be better, at least at first) … most likely he won’t leave his marriage. He feels guilty and bad sometimes, but mostly we are both quite pragmatic about the situation. We are avidly sexually interested in one another, and I’ve had more frequent and robust and wonderful sex with him than with anyone else. This affair has entered its 8th year now. I love my boyfriend deeply and our intimacy is more tender as the years go by. I would love to have a relationship that included everything ‘in one package’ — but that seems unlikely (I am 58) at this stage in the game.
My girlfriends who know about this are against it: but I think that’s as much because they haven’t met him. Nobody from the ‘outside’ of any relationship knows what it is like on the ‘inside’.

June 22, 2009 at 11:39 am
(188) SoutheastTraveler says:

Truly a sad and poignant thread.

If you don’t mind I would like to share some decades worth of experience.
This is the second marriage for my wife and I and we share the utmost love and respect for each other – except in the bedroom. In all other aspects of marriage we take each others feeling into account but will turn the other down flatly and regularly. We both have some libido, it just rarely flares up at the same time.
We may have a “little” more sex than most of you posters but for perspective, a small amount of sex can be painful, too, as your emotions surge and ebb over the weeks and months. We are at the 12-15 times a year level. Not quite DOA in my opinion, but struggling.
I, and certainly my wife, have all those feelings described in this thread after rejection which can then be exacerbated by daily events which in turn compound a basic problem of sexual frustration and on and on. Then, there are those few times of bliss when we both say yes and the world is balanced once again. Too bad those are more infrequent as our marriage progresses in years. I like balance.
I am late 50′s, her late 40′s and for the first time we have exercised our way into a low fat and quite toned state together. She has never worn a size 4 before and my belly is fairly tight with buff shoulders, etc., etc., etc after years of neglect. Alright. Fantastic. We should be feeling good and have been enjoying each others new bodies but, unfortunately, this has had no effect in sexual frequency. (We are both much happier in general so it’s worth the effort to get and remain fit regardless)
I feel sad for all our situations but have come to terms with my own and believe the testimonials above will bear out the fact that YOU do not have to feel bad about yourself because you have been turned down for sex, be you male or female. In general your partners rejection probably has very little to do with how you look or act no matter what they are saying (if they are at all). They have the problem. This statement, of course, does not cure any issues except your personal feelings. Don’t let your partner bring you down in that way. Low self esteem is the killer of beautiful souls. Just say “f… it” and go jump out of an airplane or something. And whenever you can come together with your partner, for goodness sake enjoy it, savor it and make the best of it.
One last thing. Few of us will ever get everything we want out of life including sex on demand. Priorities and compromise will generally rule the day, BUT, in my humble opinion no one partner ever has the right to make unalateral decisions that affect the partnership in permnanent ways such as “No more sex in this marriage”, “We are moving to…”, etc. I would expect any person to walk at such total disregard.
Good luck,
BV

June 30, 2009 at 7:02 pm
(189) PreoccupiedWithLeaving says:

Well, I am still together with my roommate (wife). As I really enjoy our “friendship”, and really hate the idea of hurting her; I decided to try counseling. I went to a psychologist.

I told him of our situation, and he decided he would rather work with both of us. So, I talked her into going… surprisingly, she went.

We have been to see the psychologist about a half dozen times so far. I am coming away feeling that he is trying to say it is all my fault. He tells me, and she says, that she is available to me and that I am wrong by being emotionally shut off to her.

So, let me ask this question… if she was physically unavailable to me for over 15 years; why would she NOW be ready to be what I need?

Am I wrong in assuming that she is only saying what she thinks I want to hear in an attempt to save our marriage. Because, after all, she is getting what she wants out of our current situation by me being here. But, I am not getting what I need… I did not marry for a “roommate”, I married so I could have a LOVER.

Is my psychologist so naive that he actually believes what she is saying? Or, am I so blinded by my years of rejection that I no longer believe her?

Any thoughts out there?

July 5, 2009 at 2:23 am
(190) anonymous says:

I thought that tonight might be the night, our annual night of some intimacy but I guessed wrong and that’s why I’m here. This has been going on for close to a decade and I can’t tell you how frutrated, disppointed, hurt, hopeless, angry, and confused I am. Yes, I’ve tried to communicate this to my incredible wife of more than 20 years but she just doesn’t get it. I’ve inititaed 99% of the time throughout our marriage, but any time I’ve iniiated in the last decade is often met with excuses. I’m a chicken and I do not to take another risk in being rejected once again. Si I wait for her to initiate and it simply does not happen. I can wait the rest of my life and I believe that she will never initiate, so I’m stuck. How do I cope? I guess like any male with a normal sex drive (masturbation;) but it does nothing to get close to my wife. In fact, I only get more frustrated, angrier, and actually, more blaming of my wife.SometimesI get so preoccupied with this issue that I don’t care about all the other responsibilities of life because above all else, closeness with my wife is the most important thing. I love my wife and the best way to get closeis though sex. When that’s denied night after night, something happens to the psyche in a big way.yes, I have lost big time. I am aloser, I’ll admit. But, I love my wife. I am committed to our marriage. I would never leave her. But I have no hope of having sex.Do I suck it up and tough it out? Yes, I’ve tried this but

July 7, 2009 at 2:21 am
(191) anonymous says:

number 14 and many others I have been married for 10 years and dated the same person for 17 years before this i love him very much but he has no interest in sex or fourplay its been like this for the last nine yrs. he has massive oscd and is on alot of depreesion meds which i understand but i feel ugly and lonely and i agree if both don’t have interest but i am loney also i have tried a few things but not tha same as love makeing this is probally wrong but i a have very good friend that is married and happy but he is helping me by telling me i am a good person and not ugly and not fat & so on but i just need more he say leave him but i love him but need more I am very lonely don’t know what to do as i have no self a steam we don’t have any contact that married couples should . very lonely

July 7, 2009 at 5:19 am
(192) gc says:

after reading many comments here i believe that many people married people they aren’t really attracted to. that explains why a husband does not want to have sex with his wife, and vice versa. they will say a million reasons as to why they don’t feel like having sex but just won’t say “sorry, i’m not attracted to you anymore.”

July 7, 2009 at 5:23 am
(193) gc says:

the answer is simple folks. you husband/wife/boyfirned/girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you is because he/she isn’t attracted to you anymore. they will never tell you the truth so they will instead make up a million other excuses.

the correct answer is almost always the simplest one, and it’s been starring at you straight in your face. they aren’t attracted to you.

July 12, 2009 at 10:54 am
(194) JL says:

As GC, pointed out above. i also feel that our spouses do not want to share intimacy because they are no longer or never attracted to us. With my husband rejecting me 99% of the time, stepping out with escorts, it only proves that he sees me as a partner in parenting/room mate. I only wished I would’ve known this was the way it was going to be.

July 17, 2009 at 2:11 am
(195) Lael says:

It has been a while since I posted last…not much has changed. Counseling hasn’t broken thru my Husbands walls, still mentions to the Therapist that he wants *Sex*, I say to myself(with who?)it sure isn’t with me!? Cancels more appointments than attends…always an excuse e;ll find why it isn’t worth it for us. He is a totally different talking person at the Therapists office than at home. At home, he finds fault with anything to do with sex, the talk of it, on TV and bashes how it gets displayed in the movies etc. I now find myself attracted to other men and now comment on it infront of him…to say someone is a *Hunk*…getting close to attacting on my attraction. I have waited long enough for affection, and quite frankly I just want to be happy. It just isn’t about the sex persay, it is wanting to be held, loved, romanced, be told your are attractive back etc. I am so turned off by my Husband for he hasn’t honored his vows with me in the marriage bed in 20 years. I am so tired of waiting this out, it may sound awful, but I am tired of crying, being lonely, angry & sad all rolled into one. He became this negative, witchy man, who finds fault with anything to do with sex or romance, and nothing ever meets his standards anyway. If this is Male Menopause…I am married to the poster boy!

July 22, 2009 at 12:41 pm
(196) Lindsey Lou says:

You all are crazy who say that you are happy with out sex in your life as a married couple. I have been married for a while now and right after we got married my husband had an abdominal surgery where there is always the risk of damaging nerve endings in “that area” and of course it happened to him. He has pain in that area every time we try. It is extremely emotionaly painful for both of us and very frustrating. I can’t imagine if you love your spouse that much that you can just ignore feeling like that. It is an expression of how much you love and care about each other and it is hard for me to understand how you really love that person enough if you are not willing to expose yourself and put yourself in the most vulnerable position you could ever been in with someone else. I wish we COULD be this way with each other and we can’t. You people can and you are wasting it. You don’t know what you have til it’s gone. Just imagine wanting to and not being able to at all! You need to take advantage of what you have and enjoy it, you will regret it if something bad were to happen to your spouse….

July 24, 2009 at 11:30 pm
(197) Done with it! says:

I would state how many years it has been for me, but I don’t remember. I have given up trying and frankly don’t want it anymore. At this point of my life, I now realize that sex is a hook that can just as easily ensnare you into a life of misery in a crappy, loveless relationship as it can into a happy one, and it’s a total crapshoot as to which one you get. At this point, now that my son is married and gone, my overriding desire is to get the hell out of here and spend the rest of my life free from suffocating entanglements and enjoying my two great cars, both of which give me a helluva lot more joy and fulfillment than my “partner” does. I just have to get up my nerve. I’m working on it.

I was always the one who had to try to initiate something, and as often as not was shut down. I got to where I felt like I was imposing improper, unnatural desires on my “spouse.” So I’m done. I will not seek solace with someone outside my “marriage” because I further realize that so-called “romantic love” is as much a chemical imbalance and disorder as bipolar or OCD. If you want to give in to it and let it mess up your life, more power to you. Been a sucker once, not again. My best friends are parked in the driveway and I dream every night of a life spent enjoying them and not being criticized/harassed/irritated the rest of my life. I want to be gloriously, permanently alone. Relationships are crap. Chucking them is the only way to achieve peace of mind.

July 27, 2009 at 6:56 pm
(198) Mick says:

It is sad to read that so many people are living in a marriage without any intimacy. Tomorrow, my wife and I will celebrate our second wedding anniversary, and for the second year there will be no romance or intimacy. In a month, I will celebrate 2 years of celibacy. My wife has had a few health issues and says she has no desire for sex and that “we” don’t need sex in our marriage. My wife is on anti-depressants, so there is very little hope that she will ever change her lack of desire for intimacy. She doesn’t even touch me, no kisses, no hugging, we don’t even hold hands. We sleep in separate beds. We are roommates and best friends, but not husband and wife. I feel helpless and hopeless. I’m in good shape, athletic build, healthy, educated, successful and good looking (at least I think so). Yet, I feel unwanted and undesirable. We are both in our mid forties, and I cannot believe that I am dealing with this. I have been successful in my career and starting my own businesses. In the business world, I believe I can conquer anything. But I have failed at marriage. I have failed in my relationships. I love my wife and she is a great woman, but I go to bed angry and sad. She goes about her day like there are no problems. When we talk about sex, there is an excuse but no actions. My previous marriage ended in 2002 after 8 years. I left because my ex-wife is very controlling and decided she didn’t want children after we had planned to start a family. I am either very unlucky with women or the good lord above is trying to tell me something. I am a religious man and take my vows seriously. I do not think about committing adultery. I have talked to my minister on several occasions. He wants me to give it more time, but I am not sure I can. I wonder if God is mad at me for something I did in my past and is punishing me. I’m serious. I’m not a bad guy, but I had a pretty wild side of me in college. I’m not sure what single act that I might be punished for except for my life style at the time. When I take an inventory of my life, I’m not happy. I need to make some changes and ending this marriage may be the first change.

August 3, 2009 at 7:48 pm
(199) Married, but alone. says:

I hate to say, but misery loves company; and after reading comment after comment about woman feeling sexually rejected by their husbands, makes me feel comfort in knowing I’m not alone. My husband and I have no children. I’m in my early 40s now; I am also in good shape and take care of my personal appearance. He is in his mid-40s; we have been together for 16-yrs, 11 of them married. We had a great sex life for the first 8-years together and a healthy few after, but in the last 2-3 years it has dwindled to nothing… we have not had sex for 3-months!! I have tried everything including desperate pleas; the threat of affairs and divorce which I know is wrong, but when you feel as rejected, confused and as alone as I do its hard not to resort to. I feel like my youth is passing me by! All I get from him is “my body just doesn’t crave sex anymore”. I want to believe him, but I’m not buying it because he has no problem when he watches porn without me. I’m not a closed minded when it comes to sex and it’s not a lack of creativeness or telling him how good he makes me feel during and after. I see him look through me not at me anymore and it makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. It makes me wonder if any man would ever be attractive to me again. Outside this issue we have a great life with a beautiful home, good jobs, and lots of loving friends and family. We are always being told by other that they’re envious of our relationship and life, but they don’t see the suffering behind closed doors. Since he won’t tell anything, but “He loves me, he doesn’t want a divorce” I’m not sure what to do and feel like this is crossroad between staying in non intimate relationship as a roommate or getting a divorce before I wake a lonely 70-year old women wondering why I wasted the last little bit of youth I had…

It’s a sad reality to live with and I feel sad for everyone dealing with this; men and women.

August 4, 2009 at 9:55 am
(200) shifa says:

hi. i am shifa. i am 24 years old. i am married since 3 years but i am still virgin. the problem is that i was scared of having sex…i dont know if i am still… i have been to a gynecologist. he said it was psychological. went to a psychologist..still nothing… i am glad that my husband is till with me but it really hurts me… he had sex with many girls before our marriage and says that it is not everything in life but it just hurts me… everynight before going to sleep, i wish that the next morning i wake i am no longer virgin but nothing has happened yet… it is so painful to have a life without sex.. i swear…

August 4, 2009 at 1:29 pm
(201) shifa says:

please GOD send someone to help us..we really need an advice :(

August 5, 2009 at 8:24 am
(202) shifa says:

hey “i am amazed” dont be koz someone is in a worst situation than yours… your situation is so similar to mine but you cant deny that i am worst…. 3 years and still virgin dear… anyway gud luck to everyone and hope your wishes come true… concerning the marriage councellor, please dont advise people to use seperate bedrooms…u r ruining them…

August 9, 2009 at 4:21 pm
(203) SEGUN OJEMUYIWA says:

i must thank every one of you for being so candid and honest.im 43 and single not because i hate marriage but the thought of being the reason why some other person’s life will be less than fulfilling makes me seek another model of marriage and that search brought me here.to take a vow for better for worse and to quit when the worse surfaces is not my idea of intergrity.but i want to accept everyone has his or her limit beyond which the person becomes a danger to himself or herself and to the society.when the pain is no longer endurable,a mutually agreed seperation should be explored in the first instance to see whether absence could indeed makes the heart grows fonder and ginger the other spouse interest in sex.to realy want to have sex and being unable to get it within a marriage must be hellish and it is time spouses with sexual defficiencies be conscious of the legitimate demands of the flesh and allow their spouses to seek sexual expression within mutually acceptable framework.i would rather live with a sane,sexually satisfied wife than a sexually repressed wife.who knows the extent to which a sex starved spouse will be pushed to one day if she belongs to the conservative school that onl,without warning if she/he beongs to the school that only death can end her/his misery called marriage.i submit our marital union should be flexible enough to surmount the challenges posed by the evolution of ones spouse into a personality one didnt bargain for and into a personality one could never have imagined.i love sex and i wont sacrifice my sexual health for anything within the marital context nor do i expect the woman to do so.sexual union to me is a fundamental human right and should only be abridged by mutual consent of the couple.sexless marriage must be helped by thinking outside the box and of course with prayers.

August 9, 2009 at 5:03 pm
(204) segun says:

@shifa.

since you sound very sincere,i choose to believe you are.Lose every anxiety about your situation as i have personally pray for you.expect to sleep and wake up totally free from any sexual inhibitions.renewed your mind and let your mind accept the fact that a healing has already taken place and you can go ahead and have sex without your husband.i wish i can share some experiences with you and your husband in private.always say to yourself,”i can do all things through christ who strengthens me ,CHRIST HAS NOT GIVEN ME THE SPIRIT OF FEAR BUT THAT OF A SOUND MIND’

August 14, 2009 at 3:29 pm
(205) shifa says:

hi Segun. thank you so much for tour gud wishes… however do u mean that i should have sex with sm1 elz??? no… i cant do that!!! my husband is the only one i will have sex with… he has always supported me… i cant cheat him… however i have realised that i am still scared of having sex because i know that it will hurt… i also know that it may be psychological but it just doesnt go out of my head… hey fanx once more segun. hope to give u gud news at the earliest… by teh way u shud get married dear… at least u know that there is someone who u can call yours n who will be always there for u… then u will rrealise how wonderful it can be… concerning the fights they are part of life,,, gdluck :)

August 14, 2009 at 8:36 pm
(206) Vee says:

Cajun Engr, there is a Catholic document that describes your situation, for a remarried Catholic, where the first marriage is not null, the second marriage is invalid. The only remedies are to get the first marriage declared null, separate, or there is the internal forum solution that requires living as brother-sister (no sexual relations), and is only approved when scandal can be avoided. See Familiaris Consortio item 84, from the Vatican.

August 16, 2009 at 2:43 am
(207) Joe Seth says:

In religoun is there not some form of guideline throughout them all to wait till marriage? in turn, i doubt that you are only supposed to have it on your wedding night! Scientifically… do we not have hormones and urges for a reason…those of us with enough self discipline maintain only to our spouses… In heath there is so much that sex (not promiscuous) is something to benefit from… there are only few species of creatures on this earth who have sex for pleasure (humans, dolphins, and i think only one or two more) so why limit this gift…i’m 24 and my wife is 23…i want it… she doesn’t. i fought with her earlier today and told her that if i did have sex i wouldn’t be angry and this fight wouldn’t have occured… i have sexual needs…but do not want pitty sex… she says “we’ll” work at it but seems like nothing is being done. i need the affection… but kisses are turned from and when i try to hold her she pushes me away…yet she doesn’t want me to leave… masturbation shortly satisfies me but then feel like i wasted another i could have had with her… i have a daughter that i love seeing everymorning but i’m beginning to hate my wife…i feel like i’m being punished but she assures me she’s not…that doesn’t change the fact that i’m still suffering… the only thing wrong is this… she wears provacative stuff around the house and expects me not to WANT IT?! i feel rejected and neglected… i see her sleeping next to me right now and i can feel how much i love her and yet at the same time hate her for not even attempting to satisfy her husbands needs… has anyone found a solution??? I doubt divorce is but there is no other way i’ve seen to create change… i don’t want to cheat even though it is so appealing… i would rather divorce than cheat…i owe her that much… but is there another way…has anyone seen a counselor who specializes in sex… and has it worked?

August 16, 2009 at 7:04 pm
(208) gretch says:

I cried as I read this. I have been married for 18 year and have 5 kids. I am in a sexless marriage now, maybe once a month and he struggles with ED.
He says that sex is a waste of time and energy
which saddens me. The frustation and temptation has
almost ruined me in the past. He doesn’t seem to care. The OT Bible refers to a slave wife being able to leave the husband if the husband reduces his affection. I think withholding is just as bad as adultery . . . if not the cause.

August 24, 2009 at 9:50 pm
(209) Max says:

I would dearly like the chance to talk with “councilors” Dave and Jane and give them a hearty piece of my mind. Just because the two of you are sexually dead hardly means that it’s a good idea for the rest of us!

My marriage is sexless. If my wife had her way, we’d never have it again. Only though my persistence does it ever happen and then it takes about 15 to 20 rejections before an, “Ok. I guess we haven’t in a while.” I get pity sex about once every other month and honestly, I feel worse after.

Well, I’m done trying. I’m in my 30′s, I’m athletic, I’m attractive, I’m a positive person and I’m sick to death of being unilaterally sexually starved. I’ve tried to talk with her about it, but it always turns into it being either my fault or, “It’s not you, it’s me,” and that, my friends, is crap. It’s the equivalent of saying, “there is no way for you to help and I’m not interested in trying either.”

The kicker here is that we have two beautiful children and for them, I discard the notion of divorce. She was my first real love and my only, ever sexual partner, but I’m done. I’m not going to die wondering what it would be like to sleep with someone who enjoys sex. If the right person and the right situation presents, I’m taking it. I’ve made that decision.

To all you women out there who have husbands who ignore your sexual needs, I’m out there too. Just fine me. I’m a good man who’s tired of being ignored by the one who thinks there are no consequences for her inaction. All I want is some romance!

August 26, 2009 at 4:55 am
(210) shifa says:

hi Max. after reading your comment i really feel like helping you. actually you can read a bit about me in the comments above. i am in a disastrous situation!i am telling you what i expect from my husband. women love to be loved and cared for. pamper her. kiss her. compliment her. boost up her self-confidence. may be her life is too monotone. when you are watching a film hug her. help her with the house work. show her that you really care for her and after some days without asking for it you will get it… i mean make it feel like something natural.. you are kissing her..and caressing her body and little by little do the rest… make her enjoy sex too because some women dont like to have sex because they dont enjoy it. i know that i may not be the right person to help you but hope that this helps! gud luck dear :)

August 26, 2009 at 11:48 pm
(211) Tim says:

I’m not sure the problem here is sex, I think it’s actually marriage. Animals procreate with many different partners, so why are we any different? For all the ladies that feel unappreciated and unloved, when the men you are with don’t desire sex from you, it means they would like to go separate ways. They are hoping that you take the hint and do it for them. Trust me, I’m in a similar situation, and do this to irritate her to make her dislike me more in order for the breakup to be easier. Common sense really. Take it from me, cause that’s the real truth, would bet my life on it.

August 27, 2009 at 3:28 am
(212) shifa says:

hey tim its not always so dear… i am not contradicting you. am sure that in many cases its such but not always. its just that some people really do not want to have sex after a certain age… and they really do not want to break their marriage… it depends…

August 30, 2009 at 6:39 pm
(213) wiser now says:

Over the past few years, since I decided that I do have the right to say no to sex when it isn’t right for me, I’ve been through several cycles with my husband of trying to make sex work for both of us, but it always breaks down. We’d go weeks to months without sex and then try again.

I’m post-menopausal but healthy and trim and energetic. My sex drive has always been much lower than his, but in our earlier years he wanted it twice a day. I am capable of multiple orgasms, but have often felt like he owned them and they weren’t worth having because he used them as leverage to get me to do what I didn’t really want to do sexually.

He’s out of shape and just capable of intercourse but has not been able to achieve orgasm through intercourse for about 15 years. He cannot achieve orgasm unless I do verbal role play pretending to really really want to do what he wants me to do, which is suck and swallow. Even then, it takes upwards of an hour of tedious repetitious role play while he masturbates and I get ready to take it at the end. He succeeds maybe one out of five tries. Well, did, past tense now.

For most of our marriage I thought I was obligated to comply with his verbal requests for sex (typically “It’s time” while masturbating as he walks into the room) even though he rarely made any effort to be affectionate or set the stage emotionally by spending time with me — he was always too busy working. It was like being an unpaid prostitute.

Over the years, I endured and overcame two extended major depressions and worsening health while he steadfastly refused to allow me to see a counselor or go with me to marriage counseling because it could become known to people he works with and damage his reputation. About 10 years ago I finally just went to a counselor. I was able to gradually overcome the depression and improve my health through a change in my self-image and outlook.

A few weeks ago, at the end of our last sex cycle, I finally came to my senses. This was after he finally achieved orgasm after many days of trying and I dutifully chowed down while kneeling on a pillow looking up at him. A few hours later, he approached me and offered the first genuine, freely-offered hug in years. Something clicked in my head, and I said, “if that’s what it takes for you to really want to hug me, the price is too high. I’m done with that.”

Since then, I’ve told him I’m open to every day just having intercourse and then offering my encouragement for him to masturbate afterward (but without my attendance and role play.) He is not interested. He has not touched me since that day of the hug.

So, no more sex. This is the final end, I think.

When I tried to talk with him about how we just don’t fit each other any more and that there is no real love between us so I would be happier on my own, he turned the conversation around to how he cannot function well enough to keep working at his stressful and demanding (it really is) job without me here to do household stuff for him.

He asked me why I want to leave. It said it’s because it’s stressful living with a man who doesn’t love me. He said it’s harsh for me to say he doesn’t love me. I said it doesn’t feel like love.

September 1, 2009 at 11:53 am
(214) Logan says:

THANK YOU to everyone. Honestly, I feel so much better after finding this blog and reading every single post. During that time I’ve cried, chuckled, laughed and found I could related to so many others like myself.

I’m not an elegant writer in any shape, way or form nor am I experienced in sharing my feelings with others so openly on a blog (first time blogger, be gentle). But I feel like it would help relieve some weight off my shoulders to bring my own story to the table.

My wife is in her early 20′s and myself in my late 20′s. We’ve been married for 2 years and together for another year on top of that. Together we have a set of twins going on a year old.

Like so many others, we went from lovers, to marriage, to friends and now room-mates (oddly, I thought I was unique to use this term to describe my situation … glad I’m not). Our love life was great up until the honeymoon and from there it’s been on a very steep decline.

For the last 2.5 years I’ve been dealing with ‘pity sex’ on a monthly basis (if luckey) and I finally understand why ‘pity’ is making me feel worse even though this pity action leads to an amazing time for both of us.

Between the two of us, I’m the one with a normal/high sex drive, while she’s on the low/no end. I can sympathize on how hard this can be and on how it’s tearing us apart. On a side note: my drive is even slowing down (possibly from depression or maybe I’m getting older). I remember in my teenage days I would go after anything with two legs and a heartbeat (would even waive those conditions if required).

Back to being grateful; I’ve made a lot of notes from some of the more experienced individuals with the same problem and I am willing try to exhaust all possible options before this marriage ends.

Please don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, children and I think we have a great relationship – minus the main topic of the blog. But I cannot and will not be a prisoner and share in the long lasting pain that I’ve read so much of here.

I wish everyone the best of luck and I will be returning as I’ve made this blog part of my favorites.

September 2, 2009 at 6:27 am
(215) Karl says:

Without sex there’s no point in marraige or dating,you might as well just have companionship with a good friend,sex is the point of marriage,you go out date have sex fall in love then marry and keep on having sex,these people who marry and don’t have sex might as well get divorced,live apart,but stay as friends.

September 5, 2009 at 6:45 am
(216) shifa says:

hey logan its just like a match between your wife & your children versus sex. think well before choosing dear. both brings you different kinds of happiness… but you will have to choose only one… gud luck :)

September 14, 2009 at 1:28 am
(217) New 24 says:

I am 24 and just got married 2 months ago. I love my wife and would never ever cheat on her.She is the perfect women for me. A month into out marriage she contracted TMS. Which gives you but pains to give you a idea. We haven’t had sex in a month which is killing me. She is incredibility beautiful and very sexy. It is a metal hell to see her everyday and not have her. I want to be supportive as her husband but her TMS has no set recovery rate and may be months before we may have sex. It makes me so sad and I worry about the future happiness of our marriage and would love any advice that would help me.

September 15, 2009 at 8:33 pm
(218) Sasha says:

question: my relationship is perfect, except one thing. we go months without having sex. what is this about?

September 19, 2009 at 11:19 pm
(219) shifa says:

hi new 24. my advice is that you just close your eyes and guess what your wife would have done if you were in such a situation and just do the same… would she have supported you or not??? would she have betrayed you and have sex with someone else? how would you have felt if you knew about it? just be sincere to yourself and choose the right option. gud luck!!! :)

September 22, 2009 at 5:48 pm
(220) jittery says:

Some of you guys are just plain mean…greedy if I withhold sex. thank you, I guess I like being greedy, since you think with your sex drive and not with your head I’ll let you know what its like for someone who was sexually abused as a child for NINE YEARS!!!! and how the only way for us to acheive sanity was to…..not have sex. See I really didn’t want to get married, but I am a christian and even though celibacy is supposed to be a gift (considering I’m repulsed by sex in the first place) unless your a nun or something, people will constantly pressure you to get married. Then I didn’t want to have a child but it seems like that after being told for 27 years that sex is wrong, they put you in a cage called a honeymoon suite and wait for you to mate…..and then you get pregnant……and it all goes down hill from there, see the night we got married (all week actually) I threw up after having sex everytime because I felt disgusting about myself……..I spent a lot of time crying….whenever I was pregnant, I either hid the fact that I was pregnant under HUGE baggy clothes or (when I got too big to do that) refused to go out or see anyone because I didn’t want to feel like a disgusting trampy slut, I don’t see sex as a blessing of life, I see it as an animalistic way to get instant self gratification, do I need to see a therapist, proally, but I’ve seen 6 and all they can tell me is to have sex again and I’ll start to like it eventually. I wanted my husband to leave me, but he refuses, he wants to be with me and to like having sex, well I hope his hand never gets arthritic

September 27, 2009 at 7:55 am
(221) Waiting for the joy says:

I wish there were more comments for the “refusers” and not just the “refusees” here. Maybe I don’t want to have sex because it’s been it’s always been a source of physical or emotional pain. Unwanted pregnancy, disease, emotional blackmail, power struggles, being cheated on, or being ignored, being “guilted” into sex. All of these are part of my sexual history. My husband has a high drive, but I just don’t, and though he’s wonderful in every other way and is generally very affectionate, I feel guilty every day for not being able to satisfy his desires. Toys, porn, games, etc. make me feel worse, not better. Having sex when I don’t want to has started to make me physically ill. What do I do? Based on some of the comments here from “professional” counselors, I’m afraid to go see one.

September 27, 2009 at 8:31 am
(222) someone who cares for all of you says:

by seeing the last comments i guess that just as jitterly says, we are being raped!!!it sounds difficult to live with that man under this situation. may be our husbands want to be supportive and it is impossible to make them feel that they are wrong. they think that with their support we will be alright. now how can we remain with our husbands and refuse to have sex with them ( refused being raped in other words!) may be its high time to explain to them about our low sex drive… about our feelings of being raped ect… if they really care, they will understand… we should tell them that we dont want sex anymore and if we want it again sometime we will let them know… however if they cheat on us we should not complain since sex is part of life and some men really cant do without it… or he will get emotional support from his wife and physical support from others… i cant tell you that my solution is the best but try to think about it… all the best!!!

September 28, 2009 at 12:30 am
(223) IT's OVERRATED! says:

Why are people so obssessed about sex? Why is the subject and thoughts of sex stuck in some people’s heads? My belief is that sex is way overrated and when studies are done people lie about frequency. In this day an age with double income families and kids and demands and stresses of life I can’t believe couples have the time or desire to have sex frequently? Most people are too tired and drained from the pressures of life. When would they possibly have time? And when one partner doesn’t want sex it doesn’t mean the other partner is no longer attractive. I think there could be a lot of other issues going on when one person is not interested. . For example I’ve been married for years and I love my husband but he has been nagging me about sex for years. He also picks fights and verbally abuses me even about dumb little things. So he totally turns me off but he doesn’t see that he himself if turning me off sex. The more he wants and nags about sex the less I want as I don’t him romantic, empathetic or caring anymore. Yet physically he has a great body and great legs…..but I can’t bring myself to have sex when I feel he is being verbally abusive of me. There is no sexual attraction then. So we haven’t had sex for years….but he still hounds me. He thinks yelling at me to try to get me to have sex will make me want to have sex. Just the opposite happens…but he hasn’t figured it out. The media and internet focus on sexuality makes people feel inadequate if we are not interested in sex. We compare ourselves to what we read as normal. How can there be a normal when in surveys people could lie about their frequency to show that they are normal. I think normal is a lot less sex then the advertisers and media make sex out to be. Do you ever see animals in nature having sex every week? Nope……I don’t think it’s natural to have sex so frequently. Years ago it was only for procreation but the sale of birth control and promisquity has made sex a true obssession with many people. People should forcus on the truly more important things in life vs. being totally consumed by sex, sexual thoughts and desires.

October 14, 2009 at 8:03 pm
(224) Preaching to the Choir says:

OK. I would like to address the following commentors:

(213) wiser now
(220) jittery:
(221) Waiting for the joy
(222) someone who cares for all of you
(223) IT’s OVERRATED!

Each of you has good reason to feel the way you do. Being molested or sexually abused is no small matter. Feeling pressure to conform to a lifestyle you don’t want has to be a hellish experience all it’s own. Verbal abuse; dealing with a spouse who has sexual issues and has gained weight; the rigors of daily life and just plain fatigue – there are many reasons, and all of them valid as to why you all do not want sex.

However, telling those of us that do enjoy and desire sex with our partners that we are simply “thinking with our sex drive” or that “sex is overrated” is patently unfair given the posts I’ve read. And as for the (222) who feels that sex within a realtionship is equal to being raped – that is disturbing and I can’t help but feel that counseling is in order

I think all of you have the wrong idea about what this forum is about. I’ve read it through several times and NO ONE here who is on the side of those who want sex (as if we have to chose sides!), seems to push their ideas on their partners. If anything, some of the posts here are from some of the most patient, loving, caring people – many who have simply tried to show their partners physical love and have been infinitely patient by abstaining when their partners don’t return their feelings. And unlike myself, many refuse to cheat and stand by their partners.

Sex may be overrated in the media and in pop culture. But it wasn’t the media that stoked my need for sex. It was lying next to my man, night after night. Wanting to express my love and fidelity. Wanting to give him a part of myself, my very being. My need to love and be loved. My need for intimacy, warmth, sharing. A need that built in me until I was beside myself with longing and desire and unexpressed….well, let’s just say I found an outlet.

But what I found, in the end, wasn’t the love I’d been looking to share. I found a lot of good sex and worked out a lot of pent up sexual energy. What I’m still waiting for, after all this time, is love and caring – with and from the man I chose to share my life with.

The physical part of sex has been distorted for each of you – as it was for me. As a child I was molested for several years by a relative. I never went to counseling, but I was lucky. In my 20′s I discovered a very kind and caring boyfriend who was infinitely patient with me and my need to go slow or not do anything at all. Through him I learned the beauty intimacy with and without sex. And although we did not stay together, it is through his love that I developed into an emotionally stable woman able to have a healthy sex life.

But sex is not just about the physical act. Many of us have had to work through feelings of guilt, embarrassment, rejection, humiliation, bewilderment and pain at the thought of the ones we’ve chosen to love turn away from us. Add to that the daunting task of simply dealing with sheer sexual need and it’s no wonder you have so many posts here, crying out for understanding.

Understanding. It’s what we all need. That and love. Not just sex. Please don’t trivialize our need, as we would certainly never trivialize your pain.

October 20, 2009 at 5:57 am
(225) Found new life! says:

WHOAH! WHAT A GREAT RELIEF!!

It was so much relieving to read that there are so many many souls out there who are dealing with this issue.

I am 40 male, married for 15 years, to my girlfriend of 2 years. have one girl child 12, who has special needs.

On my initiation (100%), my wife and I had sex with irregular patterns for the first 2 years as she went through bouts of medical attention. But after the child was born, she would focus her attention and life completely on the child so much so that there was absolutely no room for me or even her. We’ve had sex off and on, like once in 3 months for about 2-3 years and then it got killed. We haven’t had sex for more than 10 years now..not a single time!

In about 2 years after marriage, she stopped missing me. Over the years, she got disconnected with me. She wouldnt see her in the mirror for god’s sake. She is a stay-at-home-mom, but she lost her interest in her upkeep, wont even comb her hair, wont even dress up, wont watch her weight, all sweaty and smelly…Many years back, a GP joked to her if she has any doubts if I am seeing somebody, pointing how neatly groomed and dressed I was, implicitly noting how careless her attire was.

I used to work out plans to find time for helping her cope with grooming and fitness not to mention dates, she will find some way to postpone. Her insistence to have the baby in the same bed, didnt help either. No holidays, no movies, no entertainment!!

I used to ask her to take a bath before bedtime, she did but would sleep off in 3 seconds. I hugged and kissed her but never got back hugs, kisses and touches. People commented about sexy lingerie, lol, here I am happy if she has had a bath. I only laugh when I read that people complain they get sex only once in a while, and they mention once a week. Thats paradise, you folks! zilch here for the last 10 years!

After my marriage, I have moved about quite closely to other young and attractive women in work or otherwise, but I have never given any space to any thoughts. Howmuch ever i deal with the frustration and pain, I have always tried to communicate to her. I have sat down with her and spoken to her, (in fact begged) hours on end, about all that could be done to feel like man and wife not as room mates/business partners.

I have asked her that when I perform my duties as a man in this house, I expect a soul to be connected to when I get back. To me, sex is a manifestation of the underlying love, respect and connection. It is an offering that you give to your loved one to make her/him have a fulfilling and a satisfying life. It is a message that re-assures that you are there for your partner, when life is challenging. Finally, it is the attitude that counts and not the act. It will happen only when the underlying attitude is there.

I have respect for people who take care of themselves. In terms of upkeep, I have asked her at this age, if she cannot respect her fitness, youthful body, how can she expect another person/partner to respect her? Sex is an offering; it is an act of giving your best to somebody you love. If you are so disrespectful to yourself, what can you offer?

I have even reasoned out to her unless you bond through sex in your young age, how you can expect to reap in old age? Otherwise it will be always a one-way street.

It is not something that is impossible for her. She just chose not to do it.

Somehow, having some nice time for her was making her feel guilty, when the child was suffering.

I asked to see marriage counsellor/psychologist many times, but she always refused. She always said, ‘we will work it out’.

I have told her I appreciate that toiling with the development of the special needs child was taking her time, but she can allocate time once a week for her.

The marriage looked like an excuse. I brought her many articles and books to get her going and introduced many other parents with special needs children who also run a regular life (from the outside…! one such friend got a second child. I used to ask my wife how was it possible)

I even insisted when the child becomes an adult eventually, she needed me.

She sat and listened to my many lectures for years but nothing ever went in.

With all these, I feel cheated, short-changed, frustrated, pained, depressed, insane and in those times of the urge, feel like a sex-monster. I am fighting with myself all these years to remain sane and hold on to the commitments and values. I had not been focussed in many other ways, as well. My career took a not-so-scintillating path and I am currently finding a new job…

Outside this context, my wife is my best long time friend and no one understands me and be with me like she does. For years she has stood by me and worked out many plans and braved many a storm, financially and emotionally. She has worked tirelessly for the benefit of our child and the child is near normal and on the path of having a good life, solely because of her. I have the highest respects for that. For the lack of sex, I wouldnt want to leave her. It is ridiculously simple decision. It will kill her. Moreover, I cant be forgiven for the damage it will cause to my daughter.

For the last 2 years, I am in a new relationship with a quite a sensible girl of 26 yrs, with whom I would like to keep it going for many years. She was my classmate in my Masters that I did last year and she found me a passionate, mature and sincere loving person. She is in a not-so-passionate relationship with her boyfriend, whom she had earlier decided to marry (basically a nice guy). She was/is frustrated by the apathy from her boyfriend, who wouldnt even call her. After about an year of seeing each other, we talked about marriage but finally we concluded that we go on without marriage becoz of the obvious damage to my family. Since this relationship, I am feeling a different life. On the surface, it will look like I went to a younger woman for sex and I am in mid-life crisis etc etc, but nobody has any inkling of the frustration and pain that I went through to the extent of questioning my sanity or the kind of life energy that I get by just seeing this girl. Again I repeat, it is not the sexual act that is fulfilling but the attitude and the connection. I feel like a man, when I am with this girl.

After all these years of apathy, my wife has found my association with this girl to be extremely threatening and asked for her forgiveness. She has said ‘sorry’ a number of times. I have lied to her that I am not in any relationship and assured her I will not dump her. Like those friends out there, I have built a huge wall, so high that I will not forgive or forget. For no fault of mine, I have suffered and my love towards her has been wasted. No amount of sorry will get me back my years of love and commitment to her. The opportunity is lost forever. For whatever remaining life, I will connect with a woman (my girlfriend) who is emotionally connected to me. Sex with her is fulfilling. I will do these without shying away from my duties to my wife and daughter. If this amounts to cheating, so be it.

Guys, the term ‘sex’ is expressed here not in the context of sexual act alone. What is being deprived by us is ‘caring’. Hugs, kisses, even bodily rubbing and handholding is far more satisfying to the inner self which longs for companionship.

The people who have expressed their lives here are dealing with asexual spouses and their longing for being cared for and respected, is REAL. Honestly, they are dealing with these spouses, who couldnt kiss for god’s sake, with infinite patience. I cant believe some of them are living and swallowing for more than 20 years!!

The main thing to get here is none of them are sexual monsters who go on overdrive to hurt their partners. Some even mention about ‘rape’ here… i am sorry…. these are the poor souls and I belong to this group, who would somehow want them to be respected and cared for by the people whom they love most. There is no doubt, ‘walking out/divorce’ is an option almost everyone who wrote here would have thought about at some point. They have highest regards and respect for their spouses, which comment after comment, i notice they say ‘he/she is a good man/woman in every other way’. Some are even thankful to their spouses. They have realised that divorce is the stupidest thing, the most cruel thing and will cause the most damage to all the parties concerned – notwithstanding what it would cause to the children. You will have to live for another twenty or more years for it to manifest.

October 21, 2009 at 4:28 am
(226) shifa says:

hi found new life. so happy with your new life??? i understand your feelings and i feel that you are doing the right thing. may be some people will pin-point you… saying that you are cheating on your wife and your child but only you know what you are going through… however may be it is your sincerity which is giving your wife the courage to look after you child. if one day she finds out that you are really cheating on her then she will be really shattered. it is not entirely her fault if she is behaving this way. imagine what parents grow through when their children have special needs… may be she wants to prove to the world that her child is normal and that nobody can pinpoint him…and as you said she is even succeeding in doing so… she may not take a bath everyday but i am sure she will always keep your child clean… she is at fault to some extent since she is forsaking her role as a wife for that of a mother but only she knows the pain that she went through when she gave birth to that child… and how she suffered when she knew that her child wouldn’t be a normal one. may be that is why she cares so much… however i understand just like any other spouse you need her too… may be its high time to be frank. insist that she take a bath before going to sleep… i mean dont offence her but make it seem like a joke like ” hmmm :( what is this smell? have you cooked salted fish?” and you can give her her bath yourself… saying ok you look after the child and i will look after you… buy nice sexy night dresses for her and insist that she wears it. however as soon as you buy it dont insist on having sex. just build in the mood little by little and one day just go for it… i sincerely wish that your child gets well soon and that you will have a better life. dont worry i will pray for that. consider my advice and choose whatever you feel is appropriate. gud luck dear and a big kiss to your wife and your child. :*

October 22, 2009 at 8:35 am
(227) Preaching to the Choir says:

October 20, 2009 at 5:57 am, (225) Found new life! says:
Over the years, she got disconnected with me. She wouldnt see her in the mirror for god’s sake. She is a stay-at-home-mom, but she lost her interest in her upkeep, wont even comb her hair, wont even dress up, wont watch her weight, all sweaty and smelly…

*******
Anytime a woman acts like this within 1 – 3 years of having a baby it’s classic post partum depression or just plain depression period.

You need to insist on counseling. Make it a condition of staying married or something serious. Your wife may have taken exceptional care of your special needs child, but she is also nursing a lot of unexpressed hurt and pain. Well actually, she is expressing it. All that lack of care for her own well-being and personal hygiene isn’t just self-neglect. It’s a cry for help and one that has been too long ignored. She needs professional help.

In the meantime, show her as much love & care as possible. I like (226) Shifa’s idea of giving her a bath yourself and buying her night things, but I wouldn’t start off w/ blatantly sexy stuff at first. Maybe matching cotton shortie sets or simple cotton nighties that are flattering and comfortable, but not overtly sexy – a little lace, but simple. You’re gonna have to start slow.

As for your relationship with your 26 year old “friend” – take it from one of the few admitted cheaters on this board – it’s so easy to get lazy with outside relationships, especially if you’re tired of the one you’re in. You start fantasizing about what you would do if they FOUND OUT and how you would just lay down the law. Or as much as you fear them finding out, you kind of wish they would – even if just to understand how far they pushed you.

The problem with that is, it doesn’t work. I’ve been through the quick talking of explaining why he’s found a certain text message or chat I should have closed and didn’t. If you plan on staying but cheating then the best thing you can do for your spouse is keep it completely hidden. No mentioning your friend, no trying to pass her off as your friend. And if there’s a “next time”, it’s better if you don’t date someone who’s single who won’t pressure you to leave or who has more time to be with you than you have to be with them. It’s better to find someone in similar circumstances.

I feel your pain. I’m still going through much of my relationship issues as well and I’m really dithering over whether to leave or not and if I do, when would be the best time to end it (I’m thinking after my daughter graduates). I tend to read this forum a lot more lately, if only to remind myself I’m not a lone. This is just my two cents but I hope it helps a little.

October 24, 2009 at 5:15 am
(228) shifa says:

help me! plz help me1 i really need your help. i cant take it anymore? i am ashamed of myself. a big MARRIED girl of 24 and still virgin after 3 yrs of marriage???? isn’t it shameful???? worst of all my husband has stopped trying…. i cant blame him… more than three years and still no result…. some of my relatives know about my situation and but no one tells me anything but still i really feel ashamed in front of them. some even think that my husband is gay!!! i tell them that it is not the case and that the problem is with me but i dont think that they believe me… i am really sad and depressed. i cant cry in front of my husband because he gets angry and says that i should not worry and everything will be ok…. we had had many fights concerning many trival things but not even once has he blamed me of not satisfying his sexual needs… i dont know if its pity or its love but what i know is that he really will never agree to leave me… and neither can i…. where will i go? how will i return to my parents’ place… and as i said he will never agree to leave me…. as far as i know he had not have sex with anyone since he met me (5 years ago) though he had sex with many girls before… since the first time i have written on this blog i have been trying to get hold of myself but now i am really depressed and i cant take it anymore…. ;(

October 24, 2009 at 9:15 pm
(229) Found New Life! says:

Hey Shifa..thx for ur comments. The situation you are in is actually not that miserable. You seem genuine and here are my two cents.

As your counsellor told, it is purely psychological. There is nothing wrong being a virgin and no need to be ashamed. First loosen up your blocks in your mind. Get out of that mindset.

You need to understand something about sex. God has made this body and gave the sexuality to you to experience. It is being yourself without anxiety and inhibitions.

It is an expression of your mutual trust and mutual giving and offering, giving importance to the other’s feeling. It is not about taking anything from somebody. So when ur hubby comes to you, he wants to offer u something to make u feel great, while he is enjoying himself. It is the most natural thing.

You bet, you’re gonna enjoy it.

I am gonna give u few tips here, if u r open for it.

I dont know ur background if you had some unpleasant childhood. First, understand ur sexuality. Be yourself. When u r alone, watch your body and get comfortable with your turn ons and offs. I would suggest watching some quality porn initially, that helps to loosen up. You dont need it later. Then start initiating to get him to bed. He must have been tired taking u to bed without any success and must have given up. There is no one or correct way to have sex. Be as you are and you will find it.

Next, as you have been expecting your hubby to be…start showing to him what u want and make him feel for you.

Im repeating ur words : “i am telling you what i expect from my husband. women love to be loved and cared for. pamper her. kiss her. compliment her. boost up her self-confidence. may be her life is too monotone. when you are watching a film hug her. help her with the house work. show her that you really care for her and after some days without asking for it you will get it… i mean make it feel like something natural.. you are kissing her..and caressing her body and little by little do the rest…”.

Be this yourself to your hubby.. As you do, so u will get. If not now, def sometime later. Keep it going…

There is no way u gonna do nothing and get up the next day all problems solved!!

Hope these help. All the best!

October 24, 2009 at 9:44 pm
(230) mo says:

He should not have married me to be his beard. He should not have cheated and gotten caught and publicly humiliated me . And he should not expect me to have sex with him NOW that he has gotten me to stay for the children and to protect his image. I have no more love but he won’t leave me and he has hidden out assets. Sex? Is he crazy???

October 25, 2009 at 2:25 am
(231) shifa says:

hi found new life! thank you very much for your advice. will surely give it a try. actually yesterday was really depressed and i just burst out :) by the way my sweet husband went through that too… the whole day i kept on thinking how he could be faithful if he isnt having sex with me and when he came i started sulking and when he asked me what was the matter i told him that i am not sure if he is faithful or not.. he got really angry and after a big fight i told him what i was going through… and i got a big hug :) and he had explained to me that sometimes he hesitates to give it a try because when nothing happens i get really sad and sometimes i even cry… poor thing he has to endure me! naughty shifa! :) i love him very much and i want to give him what he is waiting for… by the way i had a very pleasant childhood. the fact is that i had always heard my friends and relatives say that it hurts when you have sex… my husband told me that it is not true but i just cant get it out of my head… i guess that i am too stubborn… once i put something in my head it is practically impossible that i forget it…. take care :)

November 8, 2009 at 3:51 pm
(232) Deliveredfromhell says:

as a rev minister my heart goes out for all of you. God bless u all for not hopping into another relationship, that might be just another delusion.You can work it out. My solution is christian, Pray to the God of Sex (strange name for the inventor of sex, eh?)to help u and your mate to id the real problem. Good marriage includes good sex and is a foretaste of heaven according to the One who fixed the clitoris in the vagina and put that sensory foreskin on our penis. The purpose of these inclusions to our bodies is for daily explosive sex to relieve all our stresses we have been through. i am just succeeding in getting my mate to flow this way and i need u to cheer me on. As a rev min can u imagine how embarrasing it is to be browsing porn sites and eying girls around? But god has heard my prayer , we are doing it almost every other day now and am pushing for the ultimate, i just came out of hell, that is infrequent, dutiful , protocol sex, i was like some dirty beggar, your situation will change, The Father, the Son and The Holy Spirit, the originators and designers of wonderful Sex will help every married couple, Amen!

November 15, 2009 at 5:42 pm
(233) b says:

well, i’m 40. She is 41. Married for 6 1/2 years.When sex happens it’s either very satisfying or clutzy. I hav spent money (on personal development and attraction products ) on making sure the problem is not me. Her parents dad, 92 in a home; her mom 70, at home with us is our child. I flirt regularly ith my wife and I stay upbeat and sexy. She plays along. Sometimes the passion builds. My wife is type A, and non-stop. I am in bed (available and showing it) in the 10o\clock hour She gets to bed at midnight and misses her opportunity…over and over again. She cries at times that we do not have a baby. (i’m thinking about why she does not see my obvious efforts) I make invitations for dates and outings. Obligations to her parents cancel out plans regularly. Talking about it is like separating hair from wax. Iwill masturbate to alleviate frustration(reluctantly). Don’t want be with anyone else. I mention any of this to her and she has excuses.

Tired, disillusioned, dispirited and constantly trying to stave off depression…….

November 16, 2009 at 9:17 am
(234) manonpause says:

Life without intimate love is like a cigarette without a light! Why Bother!
My Baby (Revised)

Where do I begin
What can I say
My baby says
She loves me anyway
She’s as sexy as can be
But mostly doesn’t want me
Except to do
Those things she doesn’t want to
I long for her embrace
Crave for her to erase
The suspicion that she
Doesn’t want any thing from me
Except for the life
Of being a wife
She says she’s happy
Comfortable with me
I say why not
It’s not about me
But she says she loves me
So I’ll make no demands
Until I go crazy or die
From a love that’s a lie

November 23, 2009 at 10:35 am
(235) Catwoman says:

I am so glad to have found this thread! I feel like I am losing my mind and I am glad that I am not alone.

My husband is 20 years older than me. This was not a problem until after we were married nearly 4 years ago (2nd time for both of us). He went off the boil quickly and then was having probs getting it up. Eventually! (after more than a year) went to the doc and got some pills. He has used them once with me! Gives them to his friends! It is sad to know that a man can still get off without a full erection.
I got sick of trying to initiate sex and being rejected.
My husband is a good guy and a good provider. We have no kids of our own but we have wonderful grandchildren.
I have built a life with this person but find that I get so angry about petty little things. Can’t say he is my friend. I try to get to bed and asleep before him. If he beats me to bed I then dread going to bed because I tend to lay awake and I get sad and angry. I cry alot. At the drop of hat. Even at things that aren’t sad.

My husband does not realise that I feel so alone in this relationship. We hardly talk. We go out to dinner and things like that and there even little small talk. I get so jealous hearing other couples happily chatting.
I don’t know where the man I married went. I feel cheated. My mum met him before she passed away and said he was too old for me (I am nearly 40 and he has just turned 60) and she could now say “I told you so”. I thought he was in his 40′s when we met 8 years ago. He has never seemed/looked old and he still isn’t. I feel old. I feel older than dirt.

I love sex. I remember saying to my husband when we started dating that I liked sex 3 times a day 8 days a week (get the picture?). Our sex life has never been great but by goodness I miss the connection that I felt to him and how good I would feel afterward about him. So loving and tender. I miss that. I hate being Mrs Resentful and Angry.

I dream about sex often and wake up wanting to sink back into the arms of the phantom lover. I am on overdrive so badly that I even look at some women and think how hot they are. I was walking down the street one day behind a woman with long flowing blond hair and wanting to wrap my hands in it! I am not even bi and never have been. I am a ticking time bomb. The only thing that holds me back is that I am now a very fat ticking time bomb. Food helps me repress my feelings. I hate being like this. I was overweight when my husband and I met and he didn’t care. He accepted me and loved me and showed me love. Now I am way past what I was and am too scared to try to lose weight and get healthy because the more energetic I feel, the higher my libido is. The higher my libido is, the worse I feel about my marriage.

I have been to a counsellor who was really good however had to change because she was moving away and the new one was no help. She was into talking about her studies with alcohol addicted women and the way they turned their lives around. Made me feel petty and small and pathetic. Like my problems weren’t big enough for her. Last session I had I cried all the way home because I had not gotten a word in edgewise and I had so much I wanted her to just listen to.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Thanks to all who have posted. I don’t feel alone anymore. It is sad that there are so many of us.

December 4, 2009 at 3:55 pm
(236) susan says:

I am so glad to see that I am not alone. It was great reading the comments, but I did not find any solutions! I am wondering if we can start a different thread with solutions?

Anyway, I was married for 17 years with regular sex and it was great and normal for me. After my divorce, for alcohol reasons, I found myself single and not sexless for five. I finally decided to “tie the knot” and guess what? I guess we have sex about 4 times a year and like others, I am going crazy.

I have always been faithful, but now, I am seriously trying to figure out how to have a fling on the side, to meet my physical needs. He is not interested, could be medication, nerves, over work (he loves to work and it keeps his mind from being here/now)

After this experience, I decided that it is okay to have an affair. I do not feel a bit guilty about it. Before, I would not have dreamed of it. So, how does a woman, go about finding a person without the risk of dieases? I can only “love myself” so much. I need a real hug.

Going crazy, looking down the street.
Really folks, what happens in the real world? sexless wives? can we share a bit deeper?

Thanks

December 7, 2009 at 12:01 pm
(237) PreachingToTheChoir says:

Susan you didn’t find any solutions because the truth is, the solutions are obvious.

1. Leave your mate & find someone new who enjoys sex as much as you do.

2. Stay with your mate & cheat keeping it on the downlow.

3. Work on things with your partner hoping that they’ll have an epiphany & change – counseling, talking it out, couples retreat – most here have run the gamut. If you’re lucky, sex may increase to a level you can be happy with.

The problem is not with the practical solutions to our various problems. The problem is do we want to hurt the people love – enough to tell them, enough to leave.

And whether you do decide to stay or leave – how do you maintain a good relationship and satisfy your sexual needs.

There are no easy answers, hon. There just aren’t.

December 13, 2009 at 2:11 pm
(238) MBT says:

Please, if I may ask, what is the average number of times married couples do have sex or is supposed to have sex in a week, a month and a year?

December 14, 2009 at 12:14 am
(239) colossus says:

We’ve been in a loving marriage for 28 years. The sex stopped about 15 years ago, and I know that my wife’s recuperation from a stroke had a great deal to do with this. She had a fear of stroke recurrence if she experienced intense orgasm. So simply put, the act stopped and I told her when I get libidinous I will simply masturbate. This met with her approval, and unlike many weak-willed “macho” voyeurs of today, I have never strayed. Maybe they should try this approach.

December 14, 2009 at 7:41 am
(240) PreachingToThe Choir says:

@MBT – this article says that married couples have sex about 98 times per year which works out to about 8 times per month or twice a week.

Having sex less than 10 times per year is considered to be a “low sex marriage”.

Colossus – your statements are very loaded and are not in keeping with this thread, mainly because your experience is totally different from what is being discussed here.

Your are in what you describe as a “loving marriage”. Your wife has a health issue and you have chosen to accomodate her needs for no sex. And even better, both of you have openly discussed this issue and made a decision together about how to handle the sexual needs of your relationship.

Many of the people in this thread have not been so lucky. Their partner made the decision for them – or simply stopped having sex. It wasn’t a choice for both partners and from most of the posts here, many have chosen to remain loyal & faithful to their partners.

Your wife is fine with your choice of masturbation but many posts here detail a situation where their partner has stopped having sex with them and also seems to be offended by their chooosing masturbation as an outlet.

Not to mention a lot of the people in this thread aren’t just what you term “weak-willed ‘macho’ voyeurs” – there are many women in this thread who’s male partners no longer engage in sex or intimacy as well.

I think you should read this thread in it’s entirety before you blanketly dismiss what is obviously a painful issue for so many.

December 14, 2009 at 9:53 am
(241) colossus says:

MBT you rely too much on statistics. Just because a survey comes up with 98 times per year is completely bogus. Did they go around asking everone in the country or world their sexual habits? Puuhleeze! And anyway what does it matter except for trivial information. By the way I have read every post. Please don’t take me for granted.

December 24, 2009 at 5:30 pm
(242) Anonymous 19 says:

I’m 19, a mother to a 1year old, and have been married for almost 2 years. It has been about a year and a half since the last time I had sex with my husband. I often get depressed and sad over it because not having sex makes me feel ugly, useless, and etc. I am actually the one who has been turning him down. After I had my c-section it took a couple months for me to recuperate from it. I was constantly in pain and it was hard for me to get up, walk, and do normal things. I also had an infection in my incision which delayed my recovery. After all of that I feel he never really wanted to iniciate anything with me anymore. He gives me one kiss a day when he leaves for work.. and thats it! not even a hug.. I feel as if I am not present or noticeable to him at all.. He doesn’t cheat on me.. so what’s wrong??? He’s a native of Poland, which I have heard that the Polish culture is a very cold hearted compared to American culture.. so I usually think that’s why he doesn’t even want to touch me.. I’m a warm, good hearted, bubbly person and it’s hard for me to understand him.. Can anyone here give me advice?? Please, before I go insane!

December 25, 2009 at 10:48 am
(243) New woman says:

I have been married for 16 years. We have 3 lovely children.
Since the birth of our third child 6 years ago, my husband hasn’t touched me in a sexual way.
Mea culpa. I lost interest in him long before that.
He just didn’t touch me the right way. Talking has gotten us nowhere. I was left feeling frustrated and today, totally unattractive.
I like my man smalling good and I have told him so, he goes to bed sometimes without showering and for mr that’s a big turn off. But he just won’t listen and make changes. After years of feeling lonely, I had an affair. I’ve recovered my sexual being. I finally feel like a woman.I feel alive. Sex with my lover is great, and the plus side is, it’s more than just sex. He would make the long drive just to hold me in his arms. So, it’s not just about sex, it’s about tenderness, passion, feeling wanted…in a way, feeling loved.
I would divorce if i could, not to move in with the other man but to be free to love again, to live again.

December 26, 2009 at 1:31 pm
(244) shifa says:

hey anonymous 19 i understand how you feel coz i feel the same way. cheer up. dont be depressed. try to talk to him about it. he does not kiss you? no problem dear! kiss him as many times you wish!i felt like you long ago but with the help of the people on this log i feel lighter now and i really want to help you. i know it is not great help but i just hope that it does help you. now SMILE as i am sure your hubby wants to see a smile on your face and no more tears :) good luck!

December 27, 2009 at 12:17 pm
(245) oluwasegun ojemuyiwa says:

i am most blessed reading all the comments above.i have now accepted that marriage must be preceeded by frank and full talk and disclosures and must also be sustained through frank talk and disclosures.above all i now accept the inevitablity of changes and evolution a spouse will necessarily passes through and the constant need to renegotiate the union at the onset of every lifealtering attitude.GOD hates divorce i believe and ive come to accept also that he doesnt hate divorcees.Couples with kids going through turbulence must accept the kids must be minimally impacted by their conflicts and hence should actively seek to be seen as resolving their conflicts in a most friendly manner.it is cruel to know your spouse desires sex and you just wont go out of your way to meet that need while insisting he or she stay committed to the marriage oath.onvce the issue of kids are satisfactorily resolved to the satisfaction of the kids,a spouse must elect the consequence of his or her unwillingness to meet the spouse legitimate sexual needs.let us all srive to avoid situation that will not bring out the best in us,the scriptures enjoins us to mark the source of conflict among us and within us and avoid them.kids can notice when dad and mum are hot happy living together and earnestly seeks the option that will make their parents happy.i believe it is time spouses are warned at the marriage registry that if you dont sex or appreciate your spouse well enough,someelse will do that for you.marriage is meant to make you and your life beta.if it persistently turns you and your life into a bitter ,angry,resentful,regretful adulterer/ess,it is time to call it quit.wedlock should not be padlock.

January 1, 2010 at 2:11 pm
(246) Stranger says:

Sometimes it seems we have expectations of a marriage”fixing” our problems, such as, we’ll work out our love life later, it really never happens, then again being a woman so many things are working against sex, stress… by the way, sex doesn’t really remove that all that well for some of us, and yet masturbation sometimes does, then you have opposite shifts at work and although you “could” plan time together you don’t, and having a man who never initiates, that is what made me quit, as well as having no intellectual stimulation my husband is illiterate… so I gave up, it’s not been to great for me anyway as i have had horribe menstrual problems over 7 years and finally had to have a total abdominal hysterectomy. Now, I still have my ovaries so I havent had the “instant” menopause, but I have noticed a distinctive difference, even before the surgery, in how i experience orgasm, it has been getting longer and harder to “get there” & of course now I no longer have uterine contractions, but I have always had pain, still do, makes me wanna be celibate.

January 12, 2010 at 4:05 am
(247) Recovering Sex Addict....Now Sexless says:

I recently admitted to myself that I was a sex addict. I was married twice. In my first marriage, his idea was to be swingers. It was great for me. I could go to parties and get to have sex with strangers. But when I wanted intimacy from my first husband, his idea was to begin swinging again. I wanted a man that just wanted me. So I began to cheat on him and eventually left him and married the man that I was seeing. After a few years, he stopped wanting sex as much as I did. He would and still does prefer looking at porn and masturbating. I am sick of his comments about young women…how he would like to have sex with them..but doesn’t have the energy to have sex with me. Anyway, I have cheated on him, some he knows about and others he doesn’t. It has caused him to lose trust in me. So our sex life went away, I know that was my fault. We have worked back to being friends, but still no sex. Oh, I get he loves me, and all that, but he loves me so much, he hasn’t had sex with me in the last two months, almost three. I go through, he is having an affair, I am ugly, I am fat, I don’t deserve sex, cause what I did….etc. I am too the point that I really don’t want to live the next 30 or 40 years, I am only 54 without sex, but I won’t ever cheat on him again. I am tired of playing with myself and calling it sex. I have got to the point that I just need to keep busy, doing crafts, cleaning the house etc…to keep my mind off of sex. I would do anything sexually that he would ask me, I would love it and would want more. Maybe I am too available to make it fun for him. I am just not sure how I am going to keep living this way in a relationship. I often wonder if he would just be happier without me. I think that a marriage without sex is pretty empty and it is like the icing on the cake. We have recently starting talking and seem to be working our way back, but we never make it to intercourse. We never even get past a few kisses, he either wants to just go to sleep or pulls away. He used to want sex all the time, I guess maybe he got all that he needs. I used to be hooked on porn also, and it gives you a rush that you don’t get with real sex, even though I like real sex better. I can’t get him to see that, cause he thinks it is normal for guys to look at porn. He stays up late at night on the internet looking at porn when I am upstairs in the bedroom, it makes me feel useless and bad, cause he would rather do that, then have real sex. Porn is easy, you get what you want with the girl/guy you want when you want it. No work. Maybe guys are just lazy and don’t want to work at it. Right now I am so depressed on the inside, that I have to just think of other things or I am going to go crazy. I know if I cheat once, I will cheat again. I don’t want a relationship with anyone else, I would just want cheap sex with strangers, it is exciting…and I know I couldn’t quit. I do love him and don’t want to hurt him….so I go without. Sigh…all I can say is life sucks.. I am trying to lose some weight, so he doesn’t have that excuse that I am too fat…I know I can never look twenty again…but hey…I can try. Sometimes I just wish that this life would be over and I can go onto the next. What am I suppose to be learning? What did I do in my past life to deserve this? Why am I still here, if I am so miserable? I am going to say this, before I lose my courage. I keep praying that our marriage will get stronger and the sex will come back and we can be happier. Until then I guess I will be crocheting or cleaning house. Life sucks.

January 13, 2010 at 5:09 pm
(248) Frustrated/Lonely says:

I’ve married the same man twice, he was an adulterer/drinker, and there was no intimacy the first time around either between us, but that was because of cheating which caused the divorce. We were apart about a year, he started coming around more often for our son. I was trying to get my life back on track but one thing led to another and I loved him and was lonely, so we started seeing each other again. Started out ok, he made some promises and I thought that maybe we could work it out but I told him how important trust/intimacy were as a core need in our marriage and told him of the total lack of this in our first marriage, I discussed with him how hard it would be for me to trust him again, especially after the cheating. He told me that he loved me and he would do what I asked of him, which were that he be faithful, that we have an intimate and honest relationship, and that he attend church with us, my spiritual journey is very important to me and I wanted him to at least try and share that with me and our son. Well we remarried and it took about 6 months for him to fall back into his old ways, not drinking now, but I think that’s only because he found out he has diabetes, so haven’t had any sex/intimacy (can’t even hold my hand) in over a year. He told me today that he just “can’t feel anything” and it totally crushed my heart. My emotional state has been hell for the last 6 months or so but I need to and I WILL keep myself together for our child. I want to divorce him, I don’t think this is a marriage, this is more of a brother-sister relationship and it is only causing me mental and physical frustration. Hoping to get divorced and to get my head/life together so that I can be a better Mom to my son, this has destroyed me over the past few months and I have not been as good of a Mom as I could be, too wrapped up in self-pity.

January 14, 2010 at 11:50 am
(249) Chris says:

I’m still trying to establish an acceptance of my sexless marriage but the logic doesn’t seem to allow me to do that. The logic entails a fact of life that a marriage that doesn’t include sex is a marriage that is deprived, therefore, the illusion of a successful marriage can’t be attained because deprivation is involved. I feel like Rene Decartes contemplating as I spend more time seeking the rationale than I do involved with actual sexual involvement which is zilch other than self gratification.
I am 66, she is 57 with no hormones whatsoever. We do maintain separate bedrooms and both feel good about that. Hormone therapy won’t work for her we have accepted that there will be no sex in our marriage. She is my best friend so if this marriage is a realtionhip of best friendship, it is the best thing we’ve ever done in our lives and we both agree to that. She tells me I am free to seek sex with others but I did read an article in a popular magazine for seniors titled “How embarrassing would it be to come down with AIDS in your 60′s”? She does not seek sex with others.
My conflicts are actually options and one is – because her condition and inability to have sex is involuntary, do I have the right to seek sex with other women? I’m not climbing the walls with all of this because of my age and also partly with the satisfaction that I’ve had alot of activity in my life, but in my deprived state, I do feel I have the right to seek others. There is stays. Whether I exercise that right or not may not be the ultimate dilemma in my life as I’m starting to recognize the value that she and I can sit down and discuss all of this. Her loving concern for our deprived state is genuine, I feel lucky.

January 17, 2010 at 6:56 pm
(250) So Sad says:

I recently fell in love and had my heart broken. I have yet to have sex and I have been saving it for someone really special. I thought I had met him but was crushed to find out that he had previously had sex with five other girls and did not think sex meant anything. I asked if the fact that is is special to me made it special to him and he said that it was just something he did and it was not special at all. I can’t believe someone could ever think like that and that someone turned out to be the guy I wanted more than anything. I was hoping we would get married… But I would never mean anything to him so it will never work out.

January 21, 2010 at 5:40 am
(251) Just-Tipped says:

As it’s been said before, I cannot feel so comforted by all those who have shared their stories here. There’s a lot to be said about not feeling like one is the odd ball in the bunch. Thanks you all for your courage.

Mine is relatively the same. Married to a woman for six years and we’ve been together for nine. Through past experiences, she has never been comfortable with her own sexuality. Conversely, I am an extremely sexual individual who believes in his heart of hearts that there is no greater of expression of love than thru unrestrained and very passionate sexual intimacy. Naïve I was thinking that she might come around if I allowed her to go at her own pace.

What started off as once every couple weeks waned rapidly, and it picked up its pace last year. It recently culminated in an eight to nine month dry spell. Even during our anniversary getaway in the summer, nothing happened. When my birthday came around two months ago and again nothing occurred, something in me snapped. I finally came out with it that I was extremely worried about the lack of sexual intimacy between us. Her reaction was severe – a suggested separation.

After much difficulty, we managed to talk through it, with a suggested ‘Sexy-Sundays’ – a scheduled day of the week that we would put aside for those occasions – being agreed upon. It was here that I really noticed how her comfort level in regards to sex had dropped off. Mechanical would be the term I would use here, like she was just going through the motions to try to please me.

As it was mentioned before by another poster, I could not help but take it badly. Personally, I’d have rather she didn’t even initiate if her heart wasn’t in it; such an intimate activity between two people in love shouldn’t feel so forced and awkward. However, I did recognize that she was putting forth a tremendous effort to try, so I would try as well. Despite my misgivings, I forced myself to push thru the discomfort.

That lasted two weeks. In the following three, our special-day was conveniently cast to the side for whatever reasons there were. Two of them were because she wanted to work OT (as we are to take a high-priced trip at the end of 2010), the other she just plain fell asleep. There was no mention of it on her part, and I didn’t want to bring it up either. To do so would expose just how disappointed, hurt, and angry I was. This item that I felt was so important just didn’t seem to matter much to her.

Last week, I took a trip over the weekend. I had given up on our gameplan. Making matters worse, she playfully ‘goosed’ me early today… and I took it BADLY! It took everything in me to not lash out with a badly-worded protest, something amounting to her being a mean-hearted tease to grope me with no intention of following thru.

For the sake of the moment, I managed to play it off, but I’m thinking we’re in serious trouble now. It seems I have reached a point where I cannot fathom ever being intimate with her every again. I’m too scared of half-hearted efforts that make me question myself on so many levels (attractiveness, self-worth, capabilities, etc).

January 27, 2010 at 2:57 am
(252) "Franchesca" says:

Its been months since I posted here. It is a relief to have a place to vent, and again listen to how others are, or are not coping with the lack of intimacy….and sex.

Its getting near 15 years of marriage here[and we are 50 years old], with the first 6 of them I was chasing him around. Then I stopped, and so did any contact between us.

Now the wall is so wide and tall between us, so much damage done, and so many years of sleeping apart…I dont know how this will ever work out, as a family. I am so bitter, hurt, and rejected that I feel as though I am no longer the mother I could have been. The depression has seemed to alter the way I think and feel.
We have 2 kids – 12 and 13, and there is never a right time for them, to make the break.
I am not even sure I could be happy again even if I left, i feel like a prisoner of sorts, and my captor holds my necessities of life….short and long term.

We have been to counselling 3 times, and he is always so agreeable with the counsellor, but always refused the ‘homework’ given…and ALWAYS got mad when I brought it up.
Each time, the counsellor appeared to give up.

I have been to counselling on my own, hoping I could change something, but no matter how ‘good’ I am and how well I keep up with my duties, I am still alone and rejected and ignored in every way.
I have asked him to leave, he just responds[when he feels like it] with ‘No, I dont think so, but you can leave whenever you like, but not with the kids’

He has great leadership? qualities, and the kids respond well. I hate to take them from this stability? -’Mom and Dad’
They appear well adjusted and reasonalbly happy.

I wish I knew what was the right thing to do as I dont want my son to be the know it all, macho man his father is, and I dont want my daughter to look for a man as cold and distant as her father.

Anyone going through or seen the same thing here?
And how has it turned out? Staying or leaving.

Thanks for hearing me out.

January 30, 2010 at 12:33 pm
(253) J Mankin says:

The answer is simple. Everyone is different. It’s natural, normal and healthy to have a sex drive and an active sex life with your partner. It’s also ok to have no drive or desire and be celibate. It doesn’t matter what others think, or say that you should do. They’re not you. Hopefully, your partner is on the same page and is compatible with whatever you are. If you’re NOT compatible, and your partner does not cooperate with your decision, you’ve set yourself up for problems. So- don’t listen to others’ opinions about this. Follow your heart. There’s nothing “wrong” with you.

January 30, 2010 at 3:57 pm
(254) "Franchesca" says:

I have not considered for a long time now that ” ‘I’ set myself up for problems”.
I felt I was the one tryng to undertand and fix the problems while he sat back waiting for me to keep up with his ‘rules of the house’.

He came from a 2 parent family, I came from a very broken home, so for the first 6 years I just went along, no matter what with his ‘plan’ of how life should go….as, ‘what did I know?, he is the one that lived out some normalcy!’

When I finally started to see[from family and friends comments] that there may be something wrong with the way he thinks and acts out…and questions as to why I had no backbone to stop the abuse….I took notice!! This gave me the confidence to really look at the bigger picture.
He had never suffered any losses before, and had no idea what his actions were leading him to—regret, abandonment, lonliness, separation……and he still does not I believe.

He blames me for not letting him live out ‘the thrill of the hunt’ when we first were dating. I had already ‘been there done that’, as I had been married before[and suffered the regret of what could have been also the 'loss'-everything] and game time was long over for me.

We were apparently on different pages and his lack of pushy-ness at the beginning, -it was very refreshing to me.
For the last 5 years I have almost devoted my life to understanding marriage, and what the original purpose and meaning was, and is….and when did it change? And, does it still work for today.

In a nutshell, one camp insists that we should not marry for this thing we ‘call’ love…..and that real love grows out of having the same long term goals.>short version

The other camp also insists that if you are not ‘in love’, with all the warm and fuzy feelings[and lustful] that go with it, it is doomed before it starts.>also short version

The first camp mentioned here has a -10% rate of failure, the second camp has a +55% rate of failure.

Oh Wisdom, balance, LOVE….where is it??

February 3, 2010 at 5:37 pm
(255) Uh-huh says:

We’re both 50 and to be perfectly honest, I’m not ready to roll over and play dead. The husband is another story. He used to love it when I initiated or went out of my way to be sexy. The last time was several years ago and I was emotionally crushed by him turning me down for some reason.

“Kid is awake.”

“Kids can hear.”

“I’m tired.”

“Not now.”

blah, blah, blah, blah. . .

(Kids are grown up and only one lives at home and hopefully will move out SOON. They know what sex is and have their own sex lives so I know they wouldn’t be shocked.)

I suggested when the kid was out of the house that he should take advantage of those moments, even if it is a 10 minute ‘slam, bam, get you off my back, M’am’ moment.

Ha.

He just returned from a business trip and had plenty of time to jump me before heading off to work, but he decided that dumping dirty clothes in the hamper, drinking a cup of coffee, looking through mail, shower, smoking a cigarette and asking me stupid questions about what I was cooking for dinner was more important then physically and emotionally reconnecting after an 18 day absence before skittering off to the office.

I can only make suggestions to get a physical, hormones and other stuff checked for so long before I get tired of all of this and tell him “So Long” and I really do not want to destroy 32 years of marriage over his lack of physical interest. I’m to the point that I would rather he leave town all of the time. It is less painful being lonely that way, then it is to be lonely with the person you love under the same roof.

Yeah, I’m angry.

February 5, 2010 at 10:56 pm
(256) mylife says:

This my life ! Sexless!

February 7, 2010 at 7:04 pm
(257) paul says:

Benn without sex at least 25 years.
We just quit after the kids were born. Not
anything necessary any more.
Just a quick peck on the cheek and off to sleep.
Sex isn’t all that great.

February 7, 2010 at 9:43 pm
(258) "Franchesca" says:

To Paul-

Sounds like you are both in agreement of your situation.
Different from most life stories here, where only one spouse makes the decision for both.

February 8, 2010 at 4:02 am
(259) miabella says:

So glad I find this article, although reading all this stuff made me sadder and sadder as I went along, it also made me face the fact that this issue will not go away. Since last night, after I spend hours reading the posting, I have been thinking that I’d rather leave. Some people put in words feelings that have been circling crazily in my mind for months…and then I wake up this morning, after another night in the arms of a phantom lover, with a sense of dread, a pit of dispair…and I watch my partner, the alarm clock goes off, he wakes, stretch, turn towards me and I hope he will say hello and give me a kiss, but he closes his eyes. Then he gets up, goes and make a coffee, comes back in the bedroom and walk around the bed, to my side and I think, a brief, fleeting hope, I think ‘he will give me a kiss, he’s coming to say hello’ but he pulls the curtains up and leave. I get up before he goes to work, in the hope to catch a gesture, a kiss, a small hug anything!!! but he strokes the cat and then he goes ,with a little smile and the dreaded perfunctory kiss. He feel like a ton of lead, I feel heavy, full of tears, and I know another day is going to hell, because I cannot resign myself to be so starved of attention, intimacy, affection, love and sex. Why should I???So I will spend hours thinking, coming up with solutions, mental chats and do not concentrate on myself, my work, my escape!!! Reading these posting made it clear to me, he chose to withdraw his affection, for whatever reasons, and I am not even been told about it, just shown the result of the decision. We have been together 23 years, no children, (guess why…) always had great attraction and great sex up to 7 years into the relationship, then after that he became very selfish sexually (no foreplay whatsoever), just him and his penis in the act, I felt left out. For a few years after that I tried to talk, explain, blah blah blah, but all I got was ‘why, what’s the matter, nothing changed, you crazy’. So slowly my brain learned that there was not much enjoyment to be had…after that, it was lovers for a few years, and pretty meaningless sex with him, but at least I found out I was still a woman. Then I decided this wasn’t right, wasn’t improving the situation, so I spent the last 13 years having unsatisfactory sex…and yet, I did put my mind at rest, I was having other things, his company,…(can’t think of many more…) affection (nearly always initiated by me), laugh, cuddles, and unsatisfactory but reassuring sex.
Now all this is declining. Since last summer, no sex at all, and now no affection either!! He will give me a small kiss with a timid smile if I ask (and I do ask), he will give me a stiff embrace if I ask, sex is not talked about…last night I caught a glimpse of us embracing in the mirror, and I felt so…clumsy, all wrapped up around this straight, stiff lampost, it looked so out of tune…
After reading the posts last night I decided I was leaving..this is living hell and does nothing for my self esteem. I keep feeling I ‘m too old, too ugly, I STINK! I read what they doto others, these affectionless, sex starved relationships and I felt the impulse to run from it…then I woke up this morning and thought about my decision and fear gripped my stomach…I feel unable to leave and unable to stay…this is living hell. Keep coming up with decision, proposals, ideas…
but really, I have no solution.

February 9, 2010 at 1:59 am
(260) "Franchesca" says:

Mirabella, yes, it feels like an traumatic emotional rollercoast. I see it in many testmonies here too. You are not alone, as you can see.
Divorce is not always the answer emotionally, financially, and for all family members. Divorce, one by one, breaks down society….yet, how do we go along with with the life altering decisions others make for us without our consent?

I have tried asking my spouse what I should do about ‘my’ problem[since he thinks everything is fine on his end]. I have asked him if he could help me with this problem of ‘mine’…if he has a ‘solution’ to this lonliness that only a spouse can and should fill. He never has an answered so this shows me he is probably hearing, but not listening[cause it donst interfere with his life!]

I still have children at home. If I did not, and could support myself, I would certainly leave as, after looking for every stone to unturn for answers and help, I get no understanding or reply.
This shows me he has broke his marriage vows without reason, and I feel free to leave, but I dont feel free to dissolve a family that is vulnerable-[with children].

I dont know what camp you are in, but I hope find some happiness, starting with taking outings on your own, trips with your friends, more and more time away from him–a new life while still staying with him until you see if this lifestyle of ‘singleness’ works for you.

Also, maybe this will help you to know if he even cares if you are building you own life, and want to be a part of it.

I have been doing this, and my husband has no problem with it [me going away!!]as long as I find sufficient childcare before going away. This speaks volumes to me.
I am a homebody, so this is hard for me…and he knows this, but still has no feeling either way as long as childcare is ‘fair?’

Hope this has helped.

February 16, 2010 at 3:37 pm
(261) ran says:

It is crazy to live without sex after getting married. We had a very good time before getting married and from the day we got married, her interest in sex started dying. Now after 10 years of marriage, I find it remarkably difficult to make her agree to have sex. But I believe that she loves me, but all her behaviors points towards rejection of sex.

She has had few guys and had enjoyed lot of sex since her school days and I had had not. So the things seem to be very unfair for me. All her guys had left her because of some thing or the other, but I still stick with her because of somethings I still like about her.

But denying the husband of sexual pleasure, seem to be a very crazy and a bad idea. The idea of having an extramarital affair some times crosses my mind, but it is not acceptable to my mind. On the other hand, I don’t like that kind of untrustworthy and undercover relationships. I feel like killing myself quite often. What else can I do?

A life without sex after marrying a woman is the worst thing which can happen to a man.

February 16, 2010 at 6:42 pm
(262) chumping says:

Go slow ran. It is the way of women who take revenge from men. Look at her family and friends. What are they doing. Are they having good relations with their husbands. What about her siblings and specially about her mother. If you explore their life styles, you will have the answer. Definitely, you have walked into a trap.

The only way you can escape is talk to her or go through a real marriage counselor. The problem might disappear if you too behave like that and ignore her. But I am sure that it is impossible.

Good luck

February 17, 2010 at 5:06 pm
(263) mintone says:

Loving without having sex with your official wife is wonderful. Then you can have sex with anyone and everyone. When you are married, you are careful, and try to be very decent, specially with low performing wifes. But when your woman is not married to you, she tend to give you everything you ask and you want. She too in return want to get everything other than kids and aids. All my wifes brother inlaws have relationships outside marriage, and they are very happy and advise me to do the same. I am seriously considering it now.
you too can do the same……..

February 19, 2010 at 7:10 am
(264) "Franchesca" says:

Ran, yes, after about 5 years without, I too felt like ‘what is the point of living’. But that is not just ‘sex’ talking…it is rejection, and being trapped, potentially for the rest of your life with a person you cannot connect with. Sex is only 10% when you are together on this, but 90% of a relationship when it is withheld from you.
And I think that is what you are feeling, the depression of rejection.

I have tried ‘withholding’ from him for about a year or so, ot see if he would come around on his own, but no, this just seemed to make him happier!-and me sadder.

I tried a sort of shedualing in one night a week, but that was even worse because he was so ‘busy and too tired’, that it was even more rejection. He says he just cant find the ‘time’ for THAT.

I tried 3 different marriage counsellors. He always appeared to be the one with the self-control and me the angery one….until the counsellor realized that he refused the ‘homework’ they have you do during the week before coming back to the office to talk…..he said to them ”he was just too busy with hobbies and chores for that”.

There are fairly well adjusted children involved here, that certainly come before my ‘happiness’.

I have ‘asked him’ what is the solution for me as I am not happpy with this arrangement and he is a part of this relationship?….he told me to ma—-bate.
No, I said that was NOT the answer for ME as a long term way of life.

We have slept apart for several years now. And the rejection has turned me cold….’sometimes’ does not even bother me…..but the lack of connection and intamacy in general does.

The answer? I dont know, but I have decided I will do what I need to do….and to also keep this family together.

I have said to him that if things dont change and we cant talk and come to an agreement….that I feel I will ‘fall’, and step outside the marriage….and I said that it would be all his doing and choice.
Have mentioned this many times in the last year….still no communication on this.

He has pushed me too far now.

February 21, 2010 at 3:17 am
(265) Tana says:

It breaks my heart to read what other people have written above, having been ripped to shreds emotionally for five years being in the same situation. At the age of 31, i simply could not face the idea of the next 10/20/30 years of my life, never being touched by a man again. The pain and humiliation of being in a marriage where your husband has no interest in touching you, where you can actually feel his revoltion at having to touch you “there”, being sick to your core at having to fight and scream and force your husband to have to sleep with you. The feeling of disgust and self hate afterwards, for being so weak again and having to need him. It got so bad that i started harming myself as punishment for wanting him. The pain of eating yourself up from the inside, dying, piece by piece, waking every morning knowing that you have reached the limits of your endurance, and then going through it all over again. Knowing that your marriage will cost you your life. Being trapped in a cage, always hoping tomorrow will be the day that it will change, and waking up a year later to realize that it has been a year without any physical contact with the man you love so deeply. I can only describe it as absolute insanity. No one to talk to without feeling dirty and shameful, like you are the one who is wrong. Most people simply find it incomprehensible…surely you must be overreacting! Dreaming of a man, any man, to just want you. I found a way out of this, and i hope with all my heart that other people who are going through what i went through find a way to take back their self respect and realise, no matter how deep the darkness seems, you have a right to be you and need what you need, and a right to live in the space that is your life.

February 21, 2010 at 9:08 am
(266) deb says:

its quite sad really to think that there are a lot of people out there who are just like me. i lay awake most nights hearing him beside me, wishing he wold touch me, feeling like a freak becasue my thoughts are consumed with y we are not having sex, not doing what a couple should do. we have only been together for five years, for the first 3 sex was amazing, it was like he had unlocked my desire, and i couldnt get enough of him, then 2 years ago i found him in bed with another woman…a one night stand!! We agreed to work through it, but things have never been the same, i feel like i have worked hard to make things work, but i wasnt the one who cheated, it should have been him who was jumping thru fiery hoops to prove to me he wanted me, its one long year now, since we had sex, since he kissed me passionately, i am 44, i am too young to give it up hell i dont want to. i feel unnattractive, ugly old, he wont tell me whats the problem, but deep down i no that he just doesnt fancy me…y else would he want someone else. We have been on romantic holidays weekends away, we have fun together, we make each other laugh….we r like friends…but i got loads of friends i dont need another one, i need my man to be my man. its sad, but i have given him an ultimatum, end of march try to sort this out, or we split, i no i have to keep to it, because if he cant be bothered to address this is a major problem, well he cant be bothered with us.

February 22, 2010 at 11:40 am
(267) Ron & Sue says:

Our sex life has not been exciting. I think we found it to a chore. We love each other but thats as far as it goes. I guess we fall into the catagory of room mates, good friends, brother sister who sleep on different side of the bed. Our life has been busy, money was always tight. We worked different shifts for aout 25 years and physical sex went out the door. Didn’t miss it either and thats been approx 30 years ago. Really happy with life now.

February 23, 2010 at 1:05 pm
(268) Phil says:

I just came across this site and see I am not the only one out here that is deprived. I have been sexually deprived from my wife for seven years. She did have a hysterectomy so all desire is supposedly gone. I have confronted her with every discussion possible of how this situation can be fixed, i.e, therapy, foreplay or anything. Her response is she just isn’t interested. What can I do cause I’m at the end of my rope.

February 26, 2010 at 10:05 pm
(269) darren says:

sexless marriage for a few years now, now i am seriously thinking about getting a divorce and finding a girlfriend to fullfill my needs. sex is a part of marriage, as well as emotional to. because of this i am constantly thinking about other women and that is not good. time for me to move on. apparently my wife needs a buddy not a husband.

February 28, 2010 at 7:55 pm
(270) Divorced and Lonely says:

Well all of the postings are very interesting to read. I can sympathize with a lot of the stories. My is a little different. I was married for 12 years and I knew my ex-husband for 2 years before marriage. In the beginning we had sex regularly and it was great. I got pregnant and my sex drive changed, my husband did not understand this and would pressure me for sex. This only made me resentful towards him. It got to a point where I did not want to have any relations with him. I did not even like for him to touch me, because every touch would have to result in intercourse. He was also verbally abusive and after he would curse at me say bad things in front of our kids or my mother, he would want sex and I could not do it. I had sex just so he would shut up and stop pressuring me. One night I remember after having sex I cried because I felt so empty; there was no love or passion it was just the act of sex – but he was happy with it. I spent many months trying to figure out what to do, I did not want a marriage like that. It took many years for me to finally leave. I knew I enjoyed having sex and being intimate in my past relationships so I knew it wasn’t all me that was the problem. My ex made me feel like I was damaged and I did not like sex at all. In the end I was accused of having an affair which I did not and that was the end point for me. I have been divorced for over a year and still no new relationship. At times I feel very lonely. I have been alone for a lone time, way before my divorce I was alone. I pray for the day I find a person to have a healthy relationship with. I love sex, intimacy and passion. I think when having sex you should have a deeper connection with your partner (truly making love). To stay or leave a marriage is a hard decision, for me it was the right decision but it is not easy to be alone.

March 1, 2010 at 3:12 pm
(271) deb says:

i agree with the recent comments….i am now at the point were i have to make a decision.do i stay in a relationship where we are happy with each others company…are best friends but without any touching, hugging, closeness, feeling so lonely. or do i move on, throw it all away still feeling lonely, but at least i wont lay in bed next to the man who i love so deeply, would and have done everything for him, desperate for his affection, at least i will no exactly where i stand…no surprises, no disapointment.

March 3, 2010 at 2:15 am
(272) MLR says:

OK. I was going through the same thing. I have a different
set up as far as age. I 50, my wife 60. great sex life at first and then after my daughter was born it slowed down. Not too bad, but then came my son and after that it was tough to get her to spend time making love to me. We have been married for almost 28 years and I had hit the end of the road with not having sex. I am in great shape and look very good and could not understand what was wrong. At one point I asked her if sex was important to her and she said so could live without it. Well, you can only take so much. I sent my wife an e-mail that I put together listing all the points regarding our sex life and what I do for her every day and that my love for her is strong but feel empty due to the lack of contact with her. So I told her I am leaving her and that all we have worked on for 28 years will be decide by lack of sex.
This is sad. I thought sex in a marriage is a no brainer. Well, After a come to jesus meeting with her she now understands that no sex, means no marriage. I am not going to spend my life with a lack of love that is part of being married. Well it work!! Man, just had the best sex with her ever! and she loved it. I told her after that making love to me was the best gift so could give me. It’s not always intercourse, but the physical touch that gets me going. She has agreed that if I want to be with her it is because she is me wife and I love her. She now knows that in the future I will leave if this happens again.
You really need to make you point with your spouse and hold fast to what you need in a marriage. If not there will be someone else to do what she is not welling to do.

Good luck

March 12, 2010 at 9:42 am
(273) WhyOWhy says:

I would like to say that this is excellent reading. I can certainly empathise with the guys who are not seeing any of the physical aspects of their relationship/marriage. I have been married 7 years to a woman whom I love without end.. However after our wedding night (where we did not consumate) the only periods of regular (if you can call “maybe” once in 2 weeks if I’m lucky) lovemaking was during the periods of attempted procreation. The problem there was a period of intensiv 3-4 times per week and even 3 times in one day, turned back to maybe once in two weeks.. Its almost like my wife sees sex as a “dirty” or immature thing to do, unless aiming to re-produce.

The thing that sticks in my head, and maybe said in “jest” was this. “I could go the rest of my life without sex” I’m sorry if I am appearing greedy or immature myself but Jesus. How to kick a guy (with a very high sex drive) in the teeth..

I have always had a saying which my wife completely agreed with prior to being married.. Thi saying is practically prophetic..

“Sex should be about recreation and not just pro-creation!”

Problem is that this is exactly how I feel but my wife is of the opposite feeling.

I know that the pressures in life are truely demanding but if we cant find time for our respective other halves, why do we co-exist?

My final thought.. At the start of this feed, the wife who stated that she had decided on a life without sex. I’m sorry but you should take a look at yourself and ask were you looking for a life partner or a live in friend??
Thanks for reading.. I feel a touch better..

March 16, 2010 at 3:57 pm
(274) Amy/Ron says:

Been married 43 years and sex in my life has been poor all our married lives. We are in opposite zones, I’m a take charge person and my husband is layed back. Some times I think I need a cattle prod to get him going. But thats just him. We totaly screwed up our sex life. I didn’t want sex on our wedding night, just wasn’t ready then I got a stomach bug on our honeymoon. I was probably my nerves. During this time husband was compassionate, and tryed to make me comfortable. I really can’t remember when we finally had sex, it probably was nothing to write home about. We managed to have two kids and then working to bring them up wasn’t a day at the beach. After they left and we had the house to ourselves the thought of sex was something we didn’t want to hear again. So we just stopped, neither of us really cared about sex. So when we think back we feel were still virgins. Maybe we had sex 3 dozen times in 43 years.

March 17, 2010 at 2:45 pm
(275) owen says:

It is nice to see so many honest people talking about something that no body wants to talk about. I have been with my wife for 36 years now and love her to death. We have not had sex for around five years, we had really great sex for many years I thought, however right before we stop it she felt that I was using her to just get off and she did not like it. She was nolested by her father at 16 years old and i think she has not got over it yet. She does not want to talk about it or for me to touch her other than in the morning before work I hug her and we kiss. We sleep in separate bedrooms as my tossing and turning bother her.
I dont know what to do, we tried being separated for a summer and got back together. We really love a care about each othe more than most couples. I am horney and feel that I want sexual fullfillment alot, have thought about finding a mistress or girlfirend or maybe another married person of the opposite sex who has a similer problem. Any ideas out there?

March 19, 2010 at 12:36 am
(276) ray cast says:

dear nobody really, i know exactly the way you feel ,, i am in the same marriage issue now

March 22, 2010 at 5:29 am
(277) Marie says:

Approaching such living is really tough. It is almost impossible for the young adults to leave without sex but old ones can do it. By the way, ‘NO’ word sometime comes with lots of negative emotions.

March 23, 2010 at 2:01 pm
(278) Amy says:

My husband and I have been in a sexless marriage now for about 30 years. Sex is so overated, my husband simply doesn’t want any sex from me or any one else, and at first I wanted sex but in time I got over it. Without it there isn’t arguements and no children. I don’t like kids.

March 28, 2010 at 12:29 pm
(279) daisy says:

I am happily married coz to the fact that I am married to my first love…but sometimes I feel, AM I really happily married???
I love my husband very much and I know that he does for me as well – that alone what keeps us of course! But as a woman have a PMDD, there’s a time of the month that I feel so sentive of my needs that I know if in terms of sexual encouters means zero… I’m all ok when I accepted that fact that whatever my man can give is all his best…but I feel sad and hurt when I know he can give more and not willing to due to reasons: medical problems that he doesn’t want to face… instead he avoided it by avoiding any sexual contact with me. AM just thankful that we still do love and enjoy and has so much of the cuddles…if without those will surely be harder for me! At once he said coz he feels he is insufficient with me – but I know and I asked him to that we have to get a medical help… him not wanting to hurts me coz it makes me feel like he doesnt care to be treated at all. Like he just wanna deal with it alone just like avoiding it! He is 45, I am 38, he doesn’t wanna go out anymore, he doesnt wanna dance…he doesn’t wanna socialize – I do love those and the good thing is he would let m go out with my lady friends and have my energy burned on dancing, karaoke, work out and as a social butterfly but that’s all I do to at least still feel am still attractive…
I hope and pray to keep our marriage forever. I love my husband so much and I wanna make him happy… but I keep trying to find technique how to get him into facing his Erectile Dysfunction.. He would get turned on by watching porn and he has been on this way for a long time before we ever get back and get married.. I feel like a normal sex of penetration doesn’t excite him anymore but watching porn and masturbating is his way to release. I know am beautifu, sexy and sensual woman… so it’s so much pain to feel the opposite when my husband doesn’t release his need with me.. I told him that next time i caught him masturbating while watching internet porn to pls don’t stop and feel guilty but rather invite me over or dont let me catch him anymore so i wont get hurt… all those very few sexual encounters happen when I asked or iniated it… of course not penetration but oral… but when I wont he wont… so i feel like am not so attractive nor do i smell bad etc. He said I always smell good… Oh i do wonder if I ever still feel good anymore! Though I know that I almost smell good… but I just get tired of insisting coz I just feel he is lazy to please me anymore… I don’t know when is the right time to approach him coz if not watching new, playing xbox or on the internet stuff I feel in between he is on those porn sites… he said, he would always give me his time if I ask for it… I said, i sometimes so craving for being desired not just being needy… I can go on and on… Bottom line, I have like this feeling of sadness and undesirable the most when am on my PMDD period… I tried to just deal with it – but how I wish that my prayers be answered soon that we have to face this matter together! Perhaps you can join me in prayers…or say, lets all pray for a blissful marriage! – craving to be desired

March 29, 2010 at 5:24 am
(280) Paul says:

I have to feel for d3dguru back in comment #20. I am almost 39 years old and haven’t had sex in almost 3 1/2 years. For that matter, I can tell you the exact dates of the last 12 times I had sex dating back to August 28, 2002, and only five of them have happened since the end of 2003. Yes, my wife has psychological and physical problems, and if I sound selfish for sounding this way, then so be it. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was almost 24, and to think that I’ve only had sex a total of seven times since my 32nd birthday is, to me, atrocious. She’s always suspicious that I’ve got a girlfriend or that I’m sleeping around, but why shouldn’t I? If she thinks that I’m being unfaithful in my marriage, maybe she should remember that we both said, “To have and to hold, till death do us part.” To me, to have and to hold does include some kind of marital activity, such as sex, and we both agreed to it. Hell, I haven’t even had it suggested to me to hook up with someone….no one seems to want me just because I’m married. Funny, no one wanted me before I was married either, except for that brief period of time when my girlfriend (who is now my wife) was attracted to me in that way. Yeah, so maybe someone is going to suggest that I get a divorce. What good would that do? Free me up so I can be a single, emotionally damaged man who no one wants. I’m just as well off being a married man who’s emotionally damaged that no one wants. I’m not exactly as handsome as I used to be, but I couldn’t have been that handsome if no one wanted me from the age of 16-23. I was always just good enough to be an arms-length friend and nothing more, and that’s all I am now. People can’t live without me in their lives, but when it comes to physical intimacy, I’m just not that kind of material to them. So I stay married and am now on day 1227 without sex (yeah, I keep a count of the number of days without sex, and in seven years, the fewest number of days without sex has been 107).

March 29, 2010 at 5:31 am
(281) Paul says:

I have to leave this additional comment because I just noticed it. Every single comment, right from the very first one, has been made since the last time I had sex. The first comment, made by George H Zinn, was made on 11/29/06; the last time I had sex was 11/19/06. As for those people who have decided that they are better off without sex in their marriages…….I am not going to waste any more typing making a comment on that; just imagine what I’m thinking.

April 3, 2010 at 11:04 am
(282) Preaching to the Choir says:

I’ve posted here several times and my advice is to Paul – do yourself a favor – go out & get laid hon. Wrap it up (i.e. use a condom) & get some.

As for me folks – I finally told him…it’s over. GC at 192 & 193 says it all. Despite all my partner says – that I’m an attractive woman, that it’s him not me – the truth is, we just don’t have it anymore. He is not attracted to me in that way and would prefer to just be “a couple” for the sake of bills & keeping up appearances to friends and family- but he doesn’t want to have sex with me.

He’s just not that into me. He would live with me until we both die, but he won’t have sex with me.

So we’re splitting up. I’m just hoping maybe I’ll find someone new to share this life and have an adult relationship with. Wish me luck.

April 9, 2010 at 1:30 am
(283) JesMiserable says:

My husband and I love each other so much. Both mid 20′s, fit and very attracted to each other. We waited till marriage to have sex, though both of us had been sexually active before we were Christians. I knew there was a problem on the honey moon. Turns out he never really thought about it until he had to because we were married. I had no idea. I feel fooled, tricked and trapped. Some how I got pregnant and have a beautiful son with him. For the last three years sex has been maybe once a month and I can count the number of times we’ve kissed, really kissed on 1 hand.

He’s just now realized that my desires are normal and that a marriage needs sex and intimacy like I need food and water. After a terrible argument if finally told Him I need a divorce if he wont see a doctor and counselor. I think he may have high functioning Autism. I’m only 25 and the idea of a life without passion or even a little fizzle absolutely terrifies me. I can’t stand for him to feel like he’s not enough if there really is no help. And he told me that no woman would want to be with him, and that he feels bad for me. I’ve never seen him cry but he said that he’s letting me off the hook, that I deserve someone who can love me in a way I can feel.
I won’t leave until I know we’ve done all we can. But I don’t have much hope and if things don’t change we agreed we should divorce before our son is old enough to remember all of this. It’s just so incredibly sad.

April 24, 2010 at 5:43 am
(284) Maria says:

I’ve read every comment posted here and I feel really bad for all of you “rejected” people. I, on the other hand, am the one who rejects. I’ve being married for 15 years and I love my husband very much. But I have some issues that no counselor could help me with. First of all, I must tell you a little about myself.

I’m a 45 latino-american woman that was always very atractive. This was a problem when I was a teenager and later became a real trouble. I was raped when I was 17 for someone I trusted a lot. But this was solved in my mind and 1 year after that I had a perfectly healthy sexual life. In fact I loved sex and had lots wonderful sex with several latino boyfriends before meeting my husband. Hes’s north-american and circumcised. He’s the only circumcised mand I ever met. In the begining, I wanted to have sex with him all the time, because I loved sex. I really did. In the first 5 years of our marriage he was the one refusing me sometimes. And I have to say: horizontally speaking he’s not the best man I had. In fact, he’s not good at all in terms of sex. But I love him so much that I really wanted him to practice more and more because I strongly believed that “practice makes perfect”. And I thought that with my help he could became a great lover. Please don’t think that I made him feel incompetent. Never! I’m very experienced and clever in bed. I always made him believe he was the best lover I ever had.

Well, after 10 years I understood that our sexual life never evolved and that it realy wouldn’t be any better. No matter what I did or said, he couldn’t do better. That made feel a like a lloser. A complete fail. So I gave up. I started avoiding him sexually. Now we don’t have any sex for about 2 or 3 years. The things are the opposite now. He’s the one trying to take me to bed, but I just don’t feel like going anymore. He made me hate sex. I used to love sex, but I really can’t stand having sex with him.

He recently found out in the internet that a circumcised man have 70% less sensation in the penis than a non circumcised one. I think that maybe this is his problem. But I can’t do anything about it. I feel terrible, but I can’t.

Well, but I don’t want him to be the next guy posting here his frustration, so I’m going to wake him up right now and make love with him. This will be the first time in years. I hate to lye to him, but I cant tell him how bad he is in bed. That would destroy him. As I said before, I love my husband and If I have to pretend in bed to make him feel good, that’s exactely what I’m going to do.

That’s it. I just wanted you people to see a little bit the other side of the coin.

May 30, 2010 at 6:33 am
(285) PUSHKAR BISHT says:

Hi, i am a poet, writer and philosopher. what i think about sex and love. i hope you would like to read very much. It’s truth that i feel from the heart. You should know that what is true relationship.

sex is not deeper than love. love is wonderful and great in this world.

“few are in a relationship of love not sex because they know that love is important in relationship not sex at all”

“they are deep who make such relationship based on love and i am one of them deep brother”.

“Those who have sex in relationship don’t know the value of relationship and don’t see the real beauty of relationship. they are hollow people not deep because they make relationship for sex not love and they depart their own ways at last but those who truly love each other in a relationship never depart till the end and die in each other’s arms, isn’t great.”

“Sex is not important at all in a relationship between two partners but those who think have dirty minds because they have not thought deeply why is it necessary, they simply have hunger for sex not love”

“You can never keep both the things together love and sex in a relationship because if you want love in relationship then you have to give up sex and if you want sex in relationship then you have to give up sex so it’s your choice what you want because you can’t see the beauty of love if you keep sex with it”

“If you have hunger for true love then you have no time to think of sex with the partner”

June 2, 2010 at 1:20 am
(286) Dave says:

I feel for all the men and women on here that get shut out, rejected and so on. I have been married for 6 years and slowly but surely my wife has just pushed sex away. I wish now we never would have married and just lived together. I am in the same boat as a lot of you in that I find it depressing that not asking and waiting to see if it happens or asking and being turned down. It’s her she says and we do have sex about 3 or 4 times a year and I fear that the time will come when it just doesn’t happen. We have an eight year old son that is a wonderful child and a chihuahua that has become my replacement . I have talked to my wife about getting the dog (which I am very close to as well) out of the bed and onto one of her doggy beds, she is well trained and would accept it in a short time. It doesn’t happen and just gives my wife another crutch to hold onto. We are both in pretty good shape and overall I suppose a nice looking couple so it isn’t that there’s no physical or appearance attraction. I have hobbies on top of work and find that’s the only way I can keep my sanity at all. Depressing to think that in the next 10 years I may not be able to have sex who knows, and this time that could be great is slipping away. Because she’s a good Mom I think that’s the only reason she hasn’t ended this before now for fear of hurting our son as it hurt her daughter from a previous marriage. Good times are had in other activities but that huge hole in my heart remains. Unwanted, Rejected and now sadly for the first time in my life truly depressed.

June 4, 2010 at 8:37 am
(287) JustDamnSad says:

While I find comfort in what I have read here, it makes me sad that the only “out” or resolution I see in these posts is ending the marriage.

Been married for 5 years, have known my husband for 11. Was always the initiator and have a very strong sex drive, but things were pretty good early on. First indicator of something being “off” was on our honeymoon when he refused – said we’d been doing it enough….ummm, yes I was very much into having ALOT of sex, but it was our honeymoon?

Anyway, everything was OK until we got pregnant 4 months later – my sex drive was through the roof but he was a little freaked about the pregnancy, so I said OK, just let me know when you are ready. I’ll never forget getting the “green light” 6 weeks after I gave birth and NOTHING happened…..and nothing happened. So sad.

We’ve been having sex maybe once every 2 months now if I’m lucky- did have another baby and now its even worse. I’m just so angry and sad- I was so mad at the second 6 week appointment when we got the green light because I thought to myself – Well, doesn’t really matter, does it? I was just so enraged and indignant.

Its been over four months since the last time we had sex and I’m just beside myself. Its great when we do it, but it just doesn’t happen very often. I own my part in this because I definitely didn’t initiate after the birth of our first child – it pissed me off that he couldn’t make the effort to initiate during a time when I was vulnerable and needed him to step up. Now, he works very hard and is seemingly always tired,so I don’t intiate – when I have he complains the next day about how I “knocked him out”, so why should I bother? More often than not I will just give him a BJ because its the least draining activity for him and it stil gets us together in some way….

I’m really at my wits end and just am so angry and sad at the same time. We’ve talked about all of this ad nauseum, so he understands where I am. He says he misses me too and that he would like to have sex more often, but it doesn’t happen. We were supposed to have “date nights” on Fridays where it was understood that we would have sex. Sounds great, right? Well, last week was the first Friday and guess what? Nothing.

I feel like I was sold a bad deal – I understand that my drive is out in the stratosphere, but I thought our sex life would be manageable, that compromises would be made. I wouldn’t have married him if I knew it would be like this – even though he’s a good man and I love him very much. Maybe I just put too much on being physical with my husband – not having sex makes me feel so unattractive, unwanted, and undesirable. Most importantly, the situation just makes me so sad, yet so angry too.

June 12, 2010 at 10:11 pm
(288) DJ Natural says:

Whenever I need a laugh (more often now that I’m stuck in a sexless relationship) I come back to read the first two comments on this page. It is completely ridiculous to live without sex. Asexual people have no right to inflict their perversion on everyone else, especially not under the guise of morals or religion. I resent their self righteous attitude and failure to accept what it means to be fully human.

June 12, 2010 at 11:20 pm
(289) DJ Natural says:

@PUSHKAR BISHT
What you said is true… for friends. But the difference between being friends and being in a marital or equivalent relationship is sex. If you have read any of the posts in this thread and still don’t understand that, you must be cold-hearted. If you ever propose to anyone, make sure to tell them exactly what you posted here.

@Maria [OT]
Your story nearly brought me to tears. Really coming to terms with the fact you’ve been genitally mutilated, lied to about it, and ostracized if you try to talk about it means facing an emotional black hole. I know because I’m a north-American male who’s cut. When I found out the truth, I spend many nights by myself emptying bottles of hard liquor, desperate to get to a state where I couldn’t feel anything, to get rid of the depression. It’s not the kind of thing you “get over.” You just have to move on and try to heal. Restoring has helped a lot. Even though it’s not 100% it’s sooo much better than it was. Now *I’m* in control, not some asshole doctor who broke his oath to do no harm.
If your husband took the initiative to research this himself, he’s sounds like a strong, intelligent man. Don’t lie to him and make him think your needs are getting met when they’re not. If he doesn’t know that you’re not getting satisfied, how will he know to try doing things differently? I wish both of you the best of luck. There ARE things you can do about it.

June 13, 2010 at 7:39 am
(290) why me says:

i know exactly how you all feel. ive been married for 7yrs now. been together for 11yrs. before we got married, we had the best sex life ever. we were at it all the time. very spontaneous sex. before we married my partner would say ‘hope our sex life always remains this healthy’.
but something changed whilst on honeymoon. i expected to have sex twice a day on honeymoon. even brought chocolate body paint, hand cuffs, sexy underwear. but didnt use any of it. honeymoon was such a let down. we probably only had sex 2 or 3 times on honeymoon. thats when i realised something was wrong. from that point i didnt feel like i could have sex a often as id like.
i tried initiating sex many time over the years but always rejected. always tried to spice thing up by wearing sexy underwear, trying something new but after a while stopped trying so hard. all this made me feel unattractive. my self estem had never been this low. before we married i use to tell him ‘i wish you were my first sexual partner’ but now i thank god i wasnt, as would have felt cheated in life. now i feel anger towrds him. we only have sex when he initiates it(which is not very often) and every time ive tried, ive been rejected. i told myself over the years, id never sleep woth him again but when he wants sex, i always give in.
sex is probably something that only probably happens once a year now. last slept together in oct 2009.
i was even more upset when i realised he watched porn on internet & tv. it made me feel like, you have no problem getting an erection with porn but not with me.
ive tried talking about this so mant times over the years. now i just sound like a broken record. feel like im always saying the same thing.
all this has made me feel suicidal after years of rejection. but the only reason i havent taken my own life, is i could hurt my family. it would be seflish of me.
i even stared drinking heavily at one stage but that is under control now.
i tried the ‘we should sleep with other people’ thing, to try and make him understand how this was affecting me but all he said was that wasnt a good idea.
he said his problem is more to do with psychological issues. he said he feels under pressure to perform and worries about not performing. i suggested him seeking medical help. even counselling. but at first he refused.
its been a year now, since we been sleeping in separate rooms. this was my idea because, when we slept in same bed, it all just seemed false. i was getting tired of trying. it was causing me to break down mentally. its only what i really wanted but was at the end of my wits.
one of the big issues is also we dont have kids. i have a cat and now treat my cat like my child. i guess i known for some time that my cat is the cloest thing id ever get to experience having a child. the problem with no sex, is that also mean no possibility of kids.
my husband finds this hard to deal with. the last few time we had sex, i know he was only doing it, to try get me pregnant. but obviously, its gonna take more than once a year for that to happen. plus i dont want to get pregnant like that. i dont want to have sex, just to get a baby.
i see my life now without kids. it really upsets me.
hardest thing about it all, is that i cant even tell those cloeset to me about my marriage issues. reason being i feel so humiliated, embarassed and ashamed, find it hard to tell anyone.
to the world, we pretend all is ok but behind closed doors, there is nothing. as we been married for 7yrs now, people now asking when you having kids. its heart breaking when they ask. i wanna tell them the truth but cant bring myself to do it. every couple i know, who married after me have got kids but not me. this really gets me down.
i know im still attractive but no thanks to my husband. i worked with a colleague and there was always something there. at first i just flirted but never took it anywhere else. because i would have felf gulity. this guy made me feel like a women. me had me realise i was still sexy. i needed a release and he was there. at first it stared with kissing only. it was this way for years. i resisted having sex but the last time we met, i finally gave in. i wish this was with my husband instead. this afair will never lead to anything other than sex(even though we have so much in common), as hes married too(happily for all i know).
i feel guilty but at the same time i feel my husband drove me to it.
know how big this problem was for us and not having children due to this, i can never forgive him for this.
few months back i told him through an email, i never want to have sex with him again. im fed up of years of trying and rejection. cant mentally cope.
communication between us on the matter is none existance. he suggested trying marrige counselling after all these years but im not sure i can be bothered any more. and part of me knows, he only now trying because he knows he may never have kids otherwise.
if i could fore see this before getting married, i would have run a mile.
why am i with him??? im not totally sure anymore. my feeling towards him have changed. wish things were different but dont want to keep hoping anymore.
because we stopped talking about this issue, we act like everything is normal but this is affecting us both.
i feel like ive lost the prime time of my sexual life. i would love to have sex every day if possible but would be totally satified with once a month or 2months but thats not happening.
there more to life than sex but without it, its soul destroying. i would never want to to happen, even to my worst enemy. i used to cry about it but since this has been going on for 7yrs now, have no more tears left.
sorry i have gone on abit but that just how i feel. sometimes we all need to release this fustration but opening your heart to the real problem sometime helps you feel bit better.
im sorry i ever met my husband. feel like i must have been a hardcore criminal in last my life. i just live in the hope that my loves ones are happy in their lifes. and i would sacrifice mine for theirs.

June 21, 2010 at 9:54 am
(291) Maria says:

Hi DJ Natural,

Thanks so much for your support. In fact, after posting here my first comment, I went to the internet myself and I did a research about restauration. When I told my husband about it he was thrilled. He did a large research on the subject and bought through a website the material he would need to start his own restauration. Well, his enthusiasm lasted less than 2 weeks and he gave up the restauration process. I didn’t say anything about it because he said that he had to stop the process because he was feeling a grest unconfort and some pain. How can I ask him to go ahead with a treatment that will cause him pain and disconfort, it it is only to satisfy my needs? I couldn’t. Well, and thinking about it, what’s the point? It is too late now. I don’t have sexual desires anymore. I mean not really. For anyone. I can’t even imagene having sex with anybody. To be honest, to think about sex nowadays make me sick of the stomach. It’s that bad. Further more, we don’t have children (we never wanted to) and we will never have them, so why on earth do I need sex? I’m starting to realize that we give too much importannce for sex. But there are other great ways to have pleasure in life. We can still be happy without sex.

June 24, 2010 at 4:14 am
(292) Losing Hope says:

I wish I would’ve found this earlier. Some of the things posted are describing my exact feelings! I never thought anyone could relate to what I’m experiencing.
I’m not married, but have been in a sexless relationship for 5 years. I’m 25 and am in love with my boyfriend who is the sweetest an kindest man who shows his love for me in every way except physically. I go in circles and more circles. Sometimes I think I can live with this and other days I just feel so completely broken down and want to run away from it. I get so much attention from other men, but none from the only man I want attention from.
I found the website as I tried to look up information on sexless marriages. My boyfriend wants me to marry him, but I just dont know that I can go my entire life like this. Five years has brought me down and sometimes I wonder how I will ever recover. He treats me so well though, he’s the perfect boyfriend. How shallow of me to leave him because of sex, I feel so dirty admitting how important it is to me.
I feel like I’m at a point where I need to once and for all decide if I can live like this. Everyone calls us the perfect couple and it kills me inside. I can’t tell anyone of the situation because I don’t want anyone to judge him or to judge me for not being able to turn him on.
MY boyfriend is my best friend, he always supports me in everything, I trust him 100 percent, he makes me feel so loved emotionally, he has such a big heart and loves me just the way I am. How can I walk away from such a beautiful man simply because of sex? Everyone tells me how lucky I am and I smile and I cry inside.
What do I do if he proposes.. its only a matter of time and I sit here wondering if I’ll be making a mistake by saying yes.

July 21, 2010 at 7:47 pm
(293) frustr8ed&confused says:

There are many reasons I am sure why one partner does not want sex any more some medical but mostly I believe it is a sign of how one feels about themselves or the relationship. I have been married for 20+ years and I know my husband is frustrated that we don’t have regular sex. I would like to have sex, good sex. However my husband is for the most part emotionally incapable and most days does not so much as give me a kiss, it is all or nothing so if there is not groping and followed by sex he can’t be bothered. He gives me no support in any other area of my life and after year of trying to ignore this and give in to disappointing sex just to keep him in a good/reasonable mood I have had enough and just cannot do it anymore as it just leaves me feeling empty and alone and bitterly disappointed. There is also another component to both the lack of wanting to have sex and why it is disappointing is that he is morbidly obese which I accept is his choice but I cannot find it a turn on. I am very much into health and sport and keep myself fit so yes he is turned on but where is my turn on factor in all of this????? why can he not see this???

August 1, 2010 at 6:40 am
(294) PreachingToTheChoir says:

To Losing hope

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!

I am in the exact same situation but after 14 years, I’m stuck. You have the opportunity to change it. Don’t let his kindness, money issues or anything else stop you from GETTING OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.

When my daughter was young she asked me if sex is “dirty”. I told her no, sex is “private”. She asked me what was the difference. I asked her, “Do you take a bath or get dressed in front of the whole family?” And of course she said no. I asked her why? And she said, “Well that’s just for me!” Even at the age of 6, she had a sense of privacy. So I asked her, “Why do we close the door when we go to the bathroom?” And she said, “Because that’s my business!” And I told her exactly – everyone knows what a naked body looks like and everyone knows what goes on in the bathroom – it’s just a part of living – but some things we simply like to do in private.

I’m telling you this long story to say that sex is not DIRTY. And you don’t have to feel dirty for wanting it or even needing it. We learn to accept our menstrual cycles and cramps but we aren’t taught that natural sexual feelings are a part of the entire cycle as well.

What you’re feeling isn’t just a want, it’s a need. A biological desire. And this man is refusing to meet a need you will have for a long time to come. Many people continue having sex well into their 70′s or 80′s. Even if it’s not intercourse, they may well express their sexual desires in other ways. Maybe not as frequently as when they were young, but the desire for intimacy and physical expression are still there!

Do you really want to spend that much time in a relationship with a man who does not share the same level of interest in sex as you do?

Get out of this relationship before it’s too late. Do not question what you feel or what you need. It’s not about him, it’s about you and how you begin is how you’ll continue. It will not change.

Trust me, I’m 14 years in, and I’m leaving.

August 1, 2010 at 12:22 pm
(295) kodadon says:

what is wrong with you people you make marriage seem like hell me and my girlfriend are very happy…We have sex constantly different positions every time different styles and everything, and when where not sleeping together we cant sleep all you people need some real help not these webmd fake doctor pill losers…

August 2, 2010 at 3:24 am
(296) want it more but she doesnt says:

NO SEX, WHAT THE#@$% your kidding right. Ok so then no sex and i guarantee one of the parties will cheat so this is an excuse for dealing with the issue
duhhhhhhhh

August 4, 2010 at 8:55 am
(297) should I? says:

My fiancee and I used to have a really good sex life. The best sex I have ever had actually. Then we moved countries (we are from opposite sides of the world and his visa ran out) and it took us a while to settle and find jobs and friends. His sex drive just seemed to disappear. I spent so many Saturday mornings sitting in the lounge room waiting for him to wake up and maybe, just maybe this would be the week he was in the mood.
I love him and I believe he loves me and things are great in so many ways. It has been 4 years and we are engaged now. He has always said that he is trying to work on it and promises to get help but in the end nothing changes. I have been reading all these posts and it makes me so afraid for our future marriage. I have begun to feel ugly and worthless and to be honest my own desire has drastically reduced through all of the pressure and disappointment. I am starting to feel bitter as if he has taken the gift that we were lucky enough to have in the beginning and let every little thing interfere and take over until it has broken. How can I marry him with this over our heads and all these shared experiences. Some give me hope that we can be happy and survive despite this problem but I don’t want to give up on sex with so much life to live.

August 5, 2010 at 4:44 pm
(298) life is lonely.. but iam a mom says:

I have 2 beautifukl kids from the marriage iam in that is sexless for last 4 years, i cant leave for my kids ,they need a family and he is a most loved dad. he is the nicest person one can find on the face of the earth its just that he doesnt want me anymore. i felt everything what nobodysays saidhe is a provider a good father and what not.. i am from a conservative society muslim we have arranged marriages divorce is not acceptable easily .
after multiple attempts and anger and arguing and what not i have now realized its over and that the way life is ,kids are the priority and they ddnt do anything wrong u cant spoil their lives.life is lonely, i dont have family here,dont want to make friends anymore.. just vent out here and there with some old good frnds on phone.
Only thing iam unableto understand is that when iam in peace with all this why cant i move on? why iam sad inside why have i lost interest in myself and in anything else.I want to study and get a job but life is standing still.would any lady with a little selfesteem like to sleep with someone who think you are not worth touching?
i know iam fat, i am not that pretty what i used to be, iam not lady of his dreams, i cannot earn though i have a professional degree but i am still a woman who was raised with dignity and respect. i got married at 31 and in a muslim society even thinking about another man /premarital relationship is thought to be a sin,you grow up dreaming about your to be husband, this is what you get.I cant even tell anyone whats happening to me.
but then really is sex this important?
i cried and cried and cried alone raising my kids , doing everything for them.they are still very young.i sleep with them ,but really i dont want to sleep with a man for whom i was just a money making machine if i worked.who never said a word of love and praise who laughed at me when we had that for being over wt..and what not .i just want to live my life and give my kids what i can do best and that iam not able to do…

August 9, 2010 at 1:59 pm
(299) Somewhere in Louisianan says:

I have read ALL of these commments about their sexless marriages. I would love to say that I understand the men and the women who wrote them, but I have the same circumstance as most of them and don’t understand my own life. I am recently married (October 2009) and live in a sexless marriage. I dated my husband for about 4 years prior to the marriage, this too was a sexless relationship. I was told that sex would not take place until we were married due to religious beliefs. Well, I’m wondering what the excuse should be now? He explains that becasue we are not united in marriage through the catholic church he cannot receive the sacraments if we have relations. How clinical? We have had some very immature sexual intimacies but never anything that could be labeled intercourse and so few that i can harly remember them. Could he be sexually immature or gay without me knowing or could his religious commitment mean more to him than I do??? Unfortunately, I was in a very sexually active marriage but my husband died of brain cancer 10 years ago. I waited a very long time to find the RIGHT mate. Other than the sex (or no sex), our life is good. It’s like living with a loving brother or father at times. I sometimes think of having an affair but I don’t want to compromise my character. How selfish of him to make this problem be only mine. Whenever we are around friends he makes small jokes in reference to sex or relations as though we are just f ine and I get so humiliated that I’m not sure how to react. I normally do nothing because people would never believe that I live like this. I am very agressive in all the other areas of my life, so naturally people think different about our lives. Should I leave to find what’s missing, to go through the embarrassment of a divorce at my age for something so trivial in other people’s opinions. I started seeing a counselor but he had a hard time with me discussing our relationship… so now I’m on my own. Someone please help… good advice or bad advice, just advice?

August 9, 2010 at 8:01 pm
(300) nat says:

Married 43 years and 25 years or more without sex. I’ve had E/D for years, I’ve tryed everything without any luck. As we got older various health conditions appeared. Depression being one among others. Wife and I taking meds for depression and etc. Sex disappeared and intimacy also. I don’t like to be touched by my wife or any kissing. The love for each other isn’t there any more either. We will stay together just because. With all these issues we get along fine. We stay out of each others way.

August 21, 2010 at 9:04 am
(301) PreachingToTheChoir says:

Dear Somewhere,

I wish I could tell you he was going to change but HE’S NOT.

Going without sex in a relationship for four years, even in courtship, is not normal UNLESS it’s something BOTH people want. And I know how romantic and sweet it is to think – WOW – this guy really wants to wait – just for me. We never think that they might not have an interest in sex.

I went through the exact same thing. The man I’m with is a good man. He goes to work every day, has always held a steady job, is kind to me, my mother and my daughter from a previous relationship. We very rarely argue and on the few occasions we do go out, we have a very good time.

We have a good friendship.

But all is not paradise and the lack of affection and sex in this relationship are not the only reasons, but definitely the main reasons I’m leaving it.

You get to a point where you define what exactly it is you want in a relationship – and if your needs are not being met, you have to question if you’re in the right relationship for YOU. Sex is not just a “want” it’s a biological need. If it’s not being met for you, you need to strongly consider leaving this relationship.

He is not going to change.

He is not going to go to counseling.

He is not going to suddenly become romantic.

Most of all, despite his friendliness it’s important to remember one thing: He is not treating you with respect.

Ignoring your needs is not trivial. What he is doing is emotional abuse and only you can decide if or when you’re going to end it.

August 21, 2010 at 7:24 pm
(302) FindTheLoveYouDeserve says:

I was married for more than 20 years to a man where the sex dwindled very quickly, to become a sexless marriage by the end. It was very sad for both of us. I had several health problems that interfered with our sex life, and “not tonight” didn’t mean “I don’t love you” but that was how it was interpreted unfortunately. Walls go up, and are not easily torn down. What we didn’t understand at the time was that we needed to make time for other types of intimacy that didn’t include intercourse which was painful. Sex fuels intimacy, which is the key to a good marriage. Communication, trust, honesty are all key components to intimacy, as well as sex. We divorced, and the guilt was horrible. He moved onto several other very fulfilling sexual relationships, and hopes to re-marry sooon.

I felt that given my health situation, that I would remain single since sex is such an important part of marriage. Fast forward a few years and I met a man who is willing to work with me around my health issues. We might not have sex often (only a couple times a month), but when we do “wow!”. We have also discovered a lot of other fun ways to express ourselves sexually. Add in the aches and pains of middle age, things don’t work like they are supposed to – we just roll over and laugh at this point. Sex isn’t supposed to be pressure filled- it’s supposed to be fun and build up the relationship.

Intimacy can be built other ways as well, and we talk, hold hands, hug and snuggle, make out like teenagers, leave love notes for each other, we play and laugh together. We talk dirty all the time, and really look forward to those few, special encounters. The old saying if you eat chocolate cake each day, it isn’t so special. But talk about chocolate cake for weeks, how yummy it is, anticipate it – then when you finally get the chocolate cake it is magnificent. Sex most definitely starts outside of the bedroom.

I believe that quality is more important than quantity! And my partner agrees – having come from a marriage where they had a lot of sex that met their sexual needs but not their emotional bonding needs.

If your marriage can’t find the fun in the sex – or any kissing, hugging, any touching at all – time to move on. Life looks a whole lot better when you feel sexy and loved. At my age, I feel like a sex goddess because my partner treats me like one – and believe me I do not look like one! Will we still be having sex at 80 – probably not, but we’ll still be acting like teenagers on the couch at night!

August 24, 2010 at 7:58 pm
(303) Amy says:

My husband and I have been married 43 years and approx. 29 years without any sex or intimacy. my husband worked hard in his life, and he developed E/D very early. He couldn’t satisfy me at all. His doctor told us this is unpleasent and suggested to try the blue pill! He tryed them all and these made him sick, Then tryed the pump again nothing. We talked alot and told me I could leave and get a devorice if I wanted. I thought about this for about 6 months. I decided to stay in the marriage again he said I could leave any time I wanted. I couldn’t survive in the real world on the money I was making. I was a secretery for a president of a company. I was hit on alot by many management type guys. I almost went home with one guy, but at the last minute chickened out. I just hung in there !!!! Also my husband went into depreeion and developed high blood pressure. He is taking meds for that. Being without sex for so long has taught me that yes I can live withou it. Getting to this point wasn’t easy.

August 26, 2010 at 12:36 pm
(304) Derek says:

My wife and I have been together for ten years now, and I’ve been living in a sexless marriage (having sex ten times or less within a year) for well over five years now. We never talk about sex, and when we do my wife blows up at me. Then the conversation goes into the blame circle and the idea of sex gets buried a little deeper each time. I’ve heard of make-up sex but never had it. I’ve heard of angry sex but never had it. I don’t understand what this woman is thinking, and when I try to hav eher clue me in to what she’s all about, it turns into the “you should know this about me by now” conversation. Even television shows have recaps! Anyway, we’re trying to have a baby. Correction, she says we’re trying to have a baby, when in actuality we barely have sex. And when we do, it’s uncomfortable. She’s become enourmously overweight and suffers from stomach and back pains constantly, so when we have sex she always looks very uncomfortable and uneasy. Our sessions have the intimacy of making a bank deposit. It’s driving me crazy. She used to be so sexy and sensual, but now she’s snappy and critical. And I’m worried that if she doesn’t take steps to make herself healthy we will have no chance of having a child. I love this woman to death, but this is killing me. I don’t want to feel like a pervert just because I need to be intimate with my wife. We hardly talk anymore because every little thing turns into a full-blown end-of-relationship argument, and it’s been that way from the beginning. Her mom warned her that she was pushing me away emotionally, and that’s what she’s doing! Life sucks!

August 27, 2010 at 3:02 pm
(305) Supportive Husband says:

Well, here’s my solution for what it’s worth…

My wife has recently started going through the same need to discard the warm intimacy we once shared in our marriage. Up til’ then, we both worked towards building and making our relationship stronger.

I’ve sworn my love and made vows to respect her as she had towards me. I live by them every moment of every day with pride and commitment. Sure, she has gone against that by arbitrarily deciding to remove all intimacy from our marriage (except for when she asks for massages), so in the spirit of mutual respect, I’ve decided to do what’s right for BOTH of us.

She chose celibacy and to stop intimacy on her own… so will support her need for that. In return she will just have to support my need to share physical and emotional bonds. The way I see it… it’s a win-win and as long as I use protection, common sense and maintain honesty with any new potential partners.

If she believes this is best for our family, then yes, I support her choice! :-)

August 31, 2010 at 1:43 pm
(306) zenith says:

i am married for 1 year and have a baby.my husband has one for trainin to a distant city. There he has to live in gostel, family is not allowed.he also doesn’t get holidays so we cant meet.the lack of sex in our relationship is driving me crazy, i am feelin so much depressed,when i try to convey my feelings about sex to him he quotes examples of other people who are abstainin from sex.sometimes i think of giving him divorce and marry again for sex,but then thought of baby i think i am too selfish. but i think i am getting mad day by day.plus i dint think i cant be as intimate with other person as my hubby.i cant marry again ,seeing and thinking of other couples makes me feel more jealous like my parents,i have so much of sex desire,that now when i am not able to get it i do think of ending up my life.

September 1, 2010 at 1:17 pm
(307) Supportive Husband says:

Hi Zennith,

I’m sorry to hear about this and like you, believe family is most important. With that said, it’s obvious you love your child so much as to consider staying in a “loveless” marriage. Here too I relate.

First, you are not selfish. You are a vibrant and healthy human being and there is no shame in having even the most basic marital needs and expectations. I believe most of us on this page has at some point considered “ending” something, be it the relationship, circumstances and sadly for many… considered our own lives out of neglect-based pain.

Second… and as important, this is not your doing. This is an arbitrary course taken by an individual outside of your own influence. Sadly, it is done for selfish reasons that don’t involve you, but that you are imposed to suffer under every day. Whether is based in power, or a lack of on the part of your spouse… it’s simply not your fault.

Considering my own entry (and frustration) I can understand if you’d not be interested… but as someone who directly relates, well… maybe knowing there’s someone out there willing to listen or even talk with is a comfort. If so, do let me know.

In either case, please take good care of yourself.

September 1, 2010 at 3:17 pm
(308) Supportive Husband says:

PS: (Zennith)

I know you mentioned trying to talk with your spouse about this… and feel it’s important they should be the first person you talk to with respect in mind, IF he tells you of others in “celibate” relationships… remind him that he is married to only one person who matters. Tell him he needs to focus on what’s happening in his own marriage, not anyone elses.

September 10, 2010 at 12:27 am
(309) Heartbroken and just plain broken says:

The man I have been in a 5 year sexless relationship with broke up with me. We’ve gone through a lot of drama because of the no sex, it was a constant battle. He said he wanted a break to grow some and I believed perhaps it was to help our situation. I recently found out he is seeing someone else. I asked him why he was attracted to her and not me and he said it was just different. Not to be mean but the girl is not that great looking.. I thought she would be amazingly hot but no. He says that I have seen him at his worst (we’ve been thru a lot of serious situations and I have always stood by his side). He tells me that she doesn’t know any of the bad things in his life and hasn’t seen him at his weakest so it just makes things easier. What!?!?!?! I supported him through everything for 5 years of my life, stood next to him despite him making me feel ugly, unwanted, undeserving of love and then he just drops me to be with some other girl. It was bad enough that this relationshiop has broken down my self-esteem but this last stab to the heart has completely destroyed any ounce of me that was left. I helped him to put the pieces make together, to fix his life and now that he is a new man he walks because I know too much?? Does that even make sense? I feel like I was beaten down over and over and now being dragged through the street…

September 28, 2010 at 4:42 am
(310) QueenTee says:

I guess I’m the bad guy in our situation. I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years. I married at 17 and he was 20. Now we have two young children. I’m just not attracted to my husband like I used to be. We don’t even kiss anymore. That’s my fault though. I just don’t feel turned on enuff and most of the time his breath is a lil sour. I don’t know why because he has good hygiene from what I can see. He has packed on a few pounds ova the years and when we do have sex I don’t really feel much. I have almost no sensitivity down there and sex isn’t that pleasurable to me anymore. I’m never satisified and that’s where the problem comes in. I tell him I just don’t feel like it or I just wait til he falls asleep before in lay down beside him. I hate seeing the pain in his eyes from him not pleasing me. Most of the time he just picks the wrong moments, like while I’m fustrated with the kids. I don’t really know what to do because I try to please him when ever he gets sad, but I feel like its a chore. I love him so much and I know our relationship can survive without sex but trust me I want it just as bad. I just wanna feel that attraction again and I really wanna be pleased

September 28, 2010 at 11:08 pm
(311) Preaching to the Choir says:

Oh QueenTee,

There are no good guys or bad guys in these situations. There are realists and people who are in denial.

You’re on the side of the realists hon. You know that there is a problem. You’ve already answered the first question: Do you truly want to re-establish intimacy in your relationship. You say that you do, but it’s something you have to be honest with yourself about. Is intimacy and sex with this man, your husband, what you really want?

If the answer is truly yes, then the next step is honesty. Pick a good time, plan a time alone if you have to, and tell him what you’re feeling. You don’t have to have the answers – you just have to be open to solutions.

All relationships have these cycles. It’s what we do about them that makes the difference between staying together in a strong relationship, just staying together to stick it out, or breaking up.

But there is no good and bad here. Just love and how we express it.

October 10, 2010 at 8:46 pm
(312) gene willis says:

in respose to the i married to reframe from sex.if you were having sex befor you people decided to get married,why didnt you people reframe from sex all together from the begining of you’r youths?talk about opening a 55 gallon can of stupidity.get married so as to not have sex.i put that right up there with…..drinking drain cleaner!

October 13, 2010 at 12:18 pm
(313) Think Positive says:

I am surprised to find this article and so many comments over years. I can relate to people that do not have sex in their marriage. My wife and I have been married for 20 years. Our sex life and intimacy has declined dramatically over the last 10. My wife is now in menopause and that further impacts our relationship.

I have different thoughts on this daily. Perhaps most of the struggle is with myself being more concerned about what I want or need more than my wife or my kids. My belief is that life and marriage is more about considering someone else before yourself. Any good parent will put their children first. I think we tend to forget that we need to put our spouse first, even if it means we may not be as happy as we think we can be. If you love the person and care about them, then there is no other choice. Look for the “good” in your marriage. Be open and honest. People’s attitudes, beliefs do change and their chemistry changes, but if you love someone you will find ways to improve your relationship. “This is what I tell myself. I love my wife and will find a way.”

October 14, 2010 at 10:05 pm
(314) mark says:

Intimate connection is a part of being in a marriage. I have been with my significant other for 8 years. I am 50, and we are not married and she was divirced when I met her. We had great sex for three years and then it declined and she had a lap historectomy, and things just have not been the same.
I get tired of initiating relations, and it’s just not the same nor is the frequencey now at a few times a month from sometimes twice a day.

I seldom cuddle her as I get aroused but she does not- human nature is what it is, and that sex can be great when matched with a person that has like desires.

Sucks when it just does not happen.

October 21, 2010 at 11:20 am
(315) like a virgin 1 says:

Catholic background and fairway from my country (now 30 something…)
I’ve always believed that a woman should only have sex when she is completely in loved with someone. As a result, and because I never felt in love before, I did not have sex with my previous boyfriends until I met my current husband. Yes, he is my best friend, I love him, and he takes care of me, I know. I love his company. We been married for 5 years and we haven’t had any sex …. I’m still waiting for the honeymoon…. I think It will never come. (We did have sex before getting married (like 5 times) but everything stopped just 6 months previous our wedding). Do I regret rejecting all those previous sex opportunities, I think I do. I starting to think that my silly theory about sex=love was wrong.
I used to have fantasies about having sex with him over and over. Now, I still have fantasies but not about him but about a colleague. I know that this new friend finds me attractive, but I also know he will never have an affair with me as he is married too, and he is a good man. (That’s why I like him). We been friends for the last 2 years, and If he was single and me too I reckon we could be happy together. (By the way he does not have sex with his wife either.) Despite the obvious sexual attraction he is the one that tells me over and over I have to be a good wife, that sex is only an animal instinct. And to be honest there are times, when the sexual tension and attraction is really bad, he is the one telling me (and telling himself) to be strong.
I wish I could have a normal life, with a normal relationship. I want to have children and a happy family.

October 21, 2010 at 11:22 am
(316) like a virgin 2 says:

My husband does not want to seek for help, there is no problems for him. He even knows about my friend at work. I’ve told him once I was starting to feel too attracted to him. And every time I bring this issue up he gets upset and says: Oh no this sex thing again, just be good, just love me.
I don’t know what to do.
Any advices (just remember I do love my husband and he loves me )

November 5, 2010 at 7:55 pm
(317) Till death do us Part says:

I am so very unhappy. Being married for 28 years with sex diminishing more and more every year is hearbreaking. I love my husband so very much and our relationship is T D D U P. We have sex not make love probably 5 times a year and it’s a complete flop all the time. I am an attractive woman with lots of sex appeal, I don’t need to be told, but physical love just doesn’t appeal to my husband any more. Yes, he does love me but E/D has now affected his ego which has made him angry and intolerant. What is a loyal wife to do?

November 6, 2010 at 7:23 am
(318) nottonightdear says:

I have been married for 12 years, and the last 5 we have not had any sex. The last two, there has been basically no physical contact- my wife has no desire for any sexual intimacy. Please, please, please did not work. She says she no longer has any of ‘those’ feelings. She had a hysterectomy about 5 years back, and never felt comfortable with sex after that. I asked that she see doctors, etc, but to no avail – she said she was just not interested in that part of marriage any more. Two marriage counselors did not work. We are best friends, care about each other, but there is no physical interaction. I love her dearly, but I cannot live my life without contact. So I just filed for divorce. Breaks my heart, but there is no way that I can go on like this. Very Sad. But I must say, if you are in a relationship that is broken – go get help. If it is still broken – go get a lawyer. Sorry guys, sometimes its just not in the cards….

November 7, 2010 at 1:09 am
(319) micsgirl03 says:

After reading these comments….I found out that there are so many people suffering from what people like myself dish out. :( I am one of the wives that doesn’t give any out to her husband. Ever since I got pregnant with my 1st kid, I haven’t felt like “myself” (re: normal, not in pain, or tired all the time, or out of it, or sleepy, or rushed….) I have had my myriad of problems-complicated pregnancy, C-section, complications afterward, Post-Partum depression, severe weight gain, job loss, income loss, more depression, anxiety disorder, another baby, diabetes, more weight gain, more depression and more anxiety.

Over the years, our sex life is dwindling more and more. And it’s my fault. I always feel too busy-like there’s some chore that I’m expected to do, such as making dinner, cleaning up afterward, taking care of the kids, bathing the kids, putting the kids to bed, making sure stuff is ready for school/work the next day, finishing college work, etc, etc, etc…..by the time I was lucky enough to fall into bed I would need a sleeping pill from the severe insomnia, so I would knock out.

Meanwhile, my husband would get more and more frustrated because after all that, I hadn’t made any time for him. His needs and wants would go ignored for weeks to even months at a time…and I would start to get a hint of why he was being such a jerk to me and then we would get into a huge fight (sometimes physical) where we would blow up at each other, and he would tell me his sexual frustrations and I would promise to change….and I would change….for all of about 2 weeks. Then the old routines would creep back into place and we’d be right back where we were before.

November 7, 2010 at 1:10 am
(320) micsgirl03 2 says:

Here lately I have had NO desire…I don’t know if it’s because of all the stuff mentioned earlier, or the fact that I had to have a hysterectomy, or the fact that I have a new job now, or what…but I literally NEVER think of sex. If I manage to somehow remember to think of it, and try to remember the last time my husband and I had it, it never seems convenient to have it, or I try to initiate it and get rejected (weird twist of events…) and it seems like a chore for both of us. My husband bottles up all his emotions and then unleashes them on me…telling me about his sexual frustrations, and, like before, we go through another bad fight.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve tried OB/GYNs, marriage counselors, Rx drugs, sex toys, looking at porn, masturbation, scheduling sex, “date night”, and so on. I just have no fluttery-butterfly intimate feelings…..ever…..and this is frustrating to me because I don’t realize that I’ve ignored my husband until he’s about to blow up or already has blown up at me, and he feels unattractive, ugly, used, and that I only keep him around for a paycheck and benefits. I try to show him that I love him by making him his favorite meals and buying him things I know he wants or needs, but that doesn’t mean that he FEELS loved…..

I just wish I could go back to feeling normal, like the way I used to feel before I had kids. But when I think about that….it makes me feel like I should have never had kids, and I regret some things in my life, and it makes me depressed because I would never have had the wonderful kids I have in my life right now….but I feel like I’m losing my husband….and it’s my fault.

I’ve told him how sorry I am that I can’t provide for all his needs….but those are just words…..I want to make him happy…but I feel like I can’t because I don’t have any desire. This whole situation is so upsetting to me, and him.

Sometimes I hate my life…… :(

November 14, 2010 at 12:17 am
(321) moo doc says:

My wife and Ijust had our 10th anniversary. I’m 48 and she’s 34. We have an 8 year old daughter. As it goes, for the last 7 years there has been no physical intimacy between my wife and me – and it’s definitely not my doing as I have had an ultra high sex drive most of my life. I can honestly say that I’ve never had better sex than with my wife.

So as I said we just had our 10th anniversary and of course I am hoping that things change as far as intimacy. We get along fine, no fights ever, basically housemates while being parents to our child, though I must say that she and our daughter spend almost inordinate amounts of time together. It seems like they could easily do fine without me, sad to say.

I know she is wanting to work on things for her own betterment, as she has always said for the past number of years. And she does seem a bit happier, and that is all I want for her – to be happy with herself. But being 10 years now and truly not getting any inkling of her making strides like I have always believed she would when she says that she’s working on things, I have to really wonder.

But I guess the 10 year marker is really significant in my mind. In one sense, I think that this is a life lesson for me, which could allow me to transcend my life long “weakness” for women and really work on my spiritual growth (which I have been quite well). But then again, like eating and shelter, sex is a very basic human urge. I wonder if I should ask to have an “open marriage” if she has no interest in me like that anymore. I have been faithful and not had sex with anyone since we’ve been married (and I’ve had opportunities). I just have to really wonder if it is good for my emotional health to basically “go along” with what she is basically determining on her own.

November 20, 2010 at 8:30 pm
(322) Lonely and Married says:

I live in a sex less marriage now and my feelings are so strong I am sad. I have addressed this with my partner she said she’s not vary good at that. How can this be after two children and no problems. If i can’t change this what can i do. I am bad if i go outside the marriage and don’t want to leave her. I am considering taking my life which is the only way i can see of stopping the pain.

November 20, 2010 at 8:47 pm
(323) Sheri says:

Lonely and Married,
It is very important that you talk to someone immediately and let them know you are feeling this way – someone who can talk to you right now.

If you see a psychiatrist or a counselor, he or she is the person to call. A family member or friend is also a good choice. If these options are not available to you, please call a suicide crisis hotline.

In the United States, you can call 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255.

Here is a web site that lists other hotline numbers in the U.S. and around the world: http://hopeline.com/ries.asp

I am so sorry you are hurting right now. It is so difficult for those of us who are reading your post to know how to help you. We can’t see you or talk to you; we can only let you know that you are not alone, and that there are people in your life and available on hotlines who care about you and who can help you to work through this.

Please reach out to them.

Sincerely, Sheri

November 22, 2010 at 3:05 pm
(324) sunk. says:

Married 15 years. We had a good sex life when dating, and early on in our marriage. After having children of course, it waned a bit. But now, on a good year we have sex maybe three times.

I ache every day for my wife. She was abused as a girl and it has really come home to roost now. If I give her any attention she says it makes her feel like a whore. On those rare occasions when we do have it she has to force herself and just wants it over as soon as possible. I am just sick with this. We have decided to just consider our sex life over so as to maybe give her some relief. She can go on with her day to day life and not worry that I’m hoping to be with her. I thought this new arrangement might be easier, maybe even a relief for me, but it has turned out to grieve me like I never could have imagined. My heart is so heavy and I could cry almost anytime. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.

November 24, 2010 at 10:24 pm
(325) lonley says:

Ive been married for 3 1/2 years and I have NEVER ONCE had sex with my wife, Im healthy and kind and everything a husband should be, but my wife doesn’t want to have sex or even talk about it, … why am I even wasting my time posting this.. i think i know what i need to do, just give all this up what a waste of time, i think im going to leave her, and i think as stupid as this post may sound, typing this out made me realize i think its time for me to leave and live my normal life, and as for all you people who “are happy with no sex” …. sad man,,, sad,, sex with a person (especially your spouse) should be the most intimate thing you could ever do with someone else , but hey to each his own, good luck everyone, and if your like me 25, male, and doing everything you can to fix it and she doesnt want to… trust me man 3 years later… it doesnt change, it never will.. Im so sad right now.

November 25, 2010 at 10:48 am
(326) hopelessly lost says:

I am 32 and lost interest in sex with my husband 8yrs ago after our 3rd child was born. Honestly i dont miss it and hate when asked about it but then my marriage is pretty screwed anyways. So to each his/her own. Everybody has a right to there feelings, way of life, etc. Who are we to judge, that is gods job not ours.

November 25, 2010 at 3:03 pm
(327) Linda says:

I am a 52 yr old female who’s gay. I was married in a hetrosexual marriage for 25 1/2 yrs. Recently divorced 2 weeks before my what would have been my 26th wedding anniversary. My friend Mary & I have known each other since 2003.We meet in 2005.I came out when my older son was very young back in the 80′s but could not do anything about a same sex relationship.So stupidly i got married (my first marriage).Has 2 other children from this marriage.Things were not all skittles& beer for this so called marriage.After many years growing up in the 70′s-80′ and not being able to find the right partner
without risking loosing my first child. I just stayed in the closet..but after my older son came out and told both of us,I took the news very well, my ex did not and told my son tht he’d go to hell for being gay and not accepted in the jewish community.When he was 16-17 i finally took him to his first pride parade in palm springs,ca.I already had an introduction to the gay community when i was about 13-14… But After my friend Mary&I got to know each other and she herself lived with bi-sexual male for over 21 yrs.I felt more comfortable coming out to her than anyone else.I finally popped the question about 2 yrs ago.But again i was still married.. up until this year when my divorce was final.We went ahead and got information on domestic partnership.this came about a yr after she made her excutor on her living trust. When we got legal advise about the domestic partnership the lawyer asked if there was a will involved,we said yes tht’s when we were told tht the domestic partnership would seal the deal on her living trust.She’s the only one in my life that’s ever included me in anything no matter what.I’m not even on my ex’s mind as far as what i’ll get if anything when he dies….
There’s always hope at the end of the Rainbow.
“You can give in” You can give out, But you can’t give up”!!

November 27, 2010 at 4:33 am
(328) Erica says:

I have been married only a little over two years. I guess I should mention that I am do to have our first child any day. My husband and I have not had sex for 2 months. He says its not because the pregnancy. He says its because he has to concentrate so hard on not ejaculating that its not fun anymore.

But there is no sexual contact at all. I offer to please him with no strings and he declines. Of course he would never offer that to me. I want to cry, I have never had this problem. I am 23, beautiful and wondering why my husband won’t touch me anymore. I have had so many offers while he has been deployed. But I have never been the cheating type.

I feel like an ugly or a nasty begging him to at least touch me. I don’t know what to do…

November 27, 2010 at 2:30 pm
(329) Christine says:

I am a women that 36 yrs old I have never dated and had no need to have sex. I do not need to be complete to be with a man. I never wanted kids.. Being alone the rest of my life that is whats its going to be. Thanks

November 29, 2010 at 4:12 am
(330) Anonymous says:

It must feel good to “voice” your own opinion on a site like this one with “no strings attached”…no membership, just like no marriage and you can still have the fun.
I’m a twenty one year old guy, never been locked into a relationship, I’ve been told I am handsome, sometimes all I think about is dirty things.
I never get laid with the girls I want (perhaps I’m not trying) Girls have wanted to be in relationships with me but I hooked up with them to have sex. Is that terrible? I do try to make myself clear that I’m just a horny guy.
I don’t know what influenced me to be this way because I use to have a tremendous respect for females, but a lot of them I see now as…objects. I see past the beauty and into the pornography.
Like a lot of happy/unhappy married couples here, I get no sex for the time being. I hate the single life and I ask myself “why am I programmed this way?”, it could just be a state of mind that can be cleared. Maybe its sexual addiction. The fact is I would love to mate with all the unhappy ladies here, but you probably wouldn’t accept me because you’re married, right right…
I couldn’t wait until marriage and I cannot wait that much longer. I dislike having to please myself all the time. I just want a play buddy.
As for the sexless marriages…I can understand it as long as its totally based on mutual terms. It could make a bond stronger when you tease each other, but no sex at all? Sex is amazing and very underrated for me.
…don’t let your partner starve.

December 2, 2010 at 3:35 pm
(331) Lonely wife says:

I’m vietnamese
religion: buddhism
i’m married for over 10 yrs, unhappy for 8 yrs due to
lack of sex. All of the years we’re together i’ve always
been faithful, not once think of cheating even though
i was miserable about our sex life for so long
we have 3 kids, 2 two younger ones are his
he a wonderful dad to all of my kids
he’s an amazing man that every women friends
of mine would envy, cuz he’s very kind, gentle and
funny…. sadly they dont know what gors behind
our closed door
it cuts me deeply when someone says that you two
have such a happy marriage/family
it wounds me to hear my girlfriend at gym (whom i
find unattractive) she always says that her hubby
wants sex with her soooo often like 3-4 times a week
i cant even get “it” from my hubby once a month!
everytime i ask for it he would make me feel like
a horny-bitch-whore… i feel so dirty and desperate
whenever i get too horny and not gettin any … I would
think of best sex life that i had in my younger days
when i was in my twenties, i had a steady boyfriend
that i wanted to marry ( he was not true to me for
a short period of time so i dump him). He gave me
the best sex that i now long for… guilty dirty me
earlier today i text my hubby that i wanted to end
this relationship… he didnt reply my text
when he came home at nite, he acted like nothing
is going on, it hurts

December 10, 2010 at 1:05 pm
(332) Loyal says:

I’ve been married a while now and I love my wife sooooo much. She’s perfect, we make the best team. Unfortunately sex is very infrequent(4 or 5 times a year if that) and it’s killing me. I’d rather die than cheat on my wife, and this problem is coming to a head. I’m hoping we see a counselor, because I feel so guilty about being so horny. My confidence is shot, and I’m not sure how long I can last. It kills me because we work in every other way. We’re best friends, have so many of the same interest, love each others families, so on and so forth. I don’t know what to do.

December 18, 2010 at 5:29 am
(333) Sex is for normal people. says:

Hey! – (1) George H Zinn (who was 52 when this all started) have you had any sex? Now that you’re coming up to 57 do you still feel the same?

December 21, 2010 at 4:09 pm
(334) Classy Canadian Lady says:

Tanya, Miabella your posts helped me. I confronted my boyfriend of 5 months yesterday. He brings the sexless part to the relationship. Yet he has been telling me what a sexual man he is. I know he masturbates to porn websites, including escort sites for the city he works in during the week. I told him last night that I would not be seeing him anymore because I believe he is into prostitutes, sleeping with them and because he is not having good sex or enough sex with me. He said that what he has with me is different than anything he had before. That’s it’s not about sex, that for some reason he wants to be with me all the time, he thinks of a life with me but it’s a sexless one. He explained that his aunt told him a successful marriage is not built on sex. He also says that many of his past relationships were based on sex and that went nowhere. He says he is not getting is rocks off with anyone else, that he is actually contemplating a long term relationship with me & he would never have sex. I was in shock on Sunday when I saw on his computer that he was checking escort sites & clicking on the links to specific women & their numbers. The escorts were available on nights he was in this town. There was also a zillion clicks on porn pics & sites. The idea that this highly sexual man is getting off (by himself with the internet versus escorts so he says) and not giving me anything made me tell him that I could not see him anymore, good bye. He is taking me out new year’s eve and bringing me with him to mexico soon, we will be 5 couples. I suggest some of the women (and men) on here should get together for an amazing weekend of feel good, let’s talk and see if any of us have achieved “solution stages”. What a difference it makes to feel connected to people who “get it”. thanks

December 22, 2010 at 2:43 am
(335) Monk says:

I’m 46, and dream about sex all the time like most guys. But, I can’t get it, so I’ll just keep dreaming about it. Can’t wait until I’m dead and don’t have to think about it.

December 25, 2010 at 7:51 am
(336) Jimbo says:

When the wife says no sex it time to go to the stripclubs

January 5, 2011 at 6:11 am
(337) kishia says:

hi im a 36yr woman that have had no sex for two yrs and my husband of 14yrs has dibets and have ed he’s 52 i love him and do not want to cheat. how do i make this work or what can i do to keep our marrige going. im about to give up.

January 6, 2011 at 8:25 am
(338) onely and heart broken says:

My wife and I have had sort of an unique courtship. She and I both worked at the same store, and we talked and flirted occasionally. I never had the courage to ask her out, until I found out that her parents were moving away, and she was going with them! Shortly after she left, we started chatting online, and it wasn’t long before we had both admitted our feelings for each other. I moved away from my own family to be with her, and we were married a year later. At first the sex was great, at least 4-5 times a week, but that gradually dropped to 2-3 times a week, and leveled out at about that frequency. After we were married, the sex did not change for about 3 months, then it all-of-a-sudden STOPPED! I’m not even slightly exaggerating: asside from one or two times in the past 3 years of me trying my damndest but still not “getting any” we have been completely sexless. I’ve tried to bring this up with my wife, but she gets all upset saying that all I think about is sex, and if I’m so unhappy maybe I should have married someone else. She guilt trips me so badly, I seriously consider sleeping in the other room, and a couple
times I have. Every other week or so I’d try to initiate it, and she would always have some excuse ready: “I’m not in the mood,” “I’m too tired,” “I had a long day at work,” “I’m not comfortable ‘down there’,” “I have a sore (that she will never let me see, by the way).” The list goes on and on. I’d bet I’ve heard 100 different excuses, each more thinly veiled than the last. (Continued in next comment..too long for post)

January 11, 2011 at 12:26 am
(339) FrankTheTank says:

The wife just laid the bombshell on me that sex hasn’t meant anything to her for the past two years (of our 5-year marriage). It’s a chore for her, and she no longer wants to do it. The words above that I have read in other posts that describe how I feel: Lonely, inadequate, unwelcome, unattractive, unwanted, unappreciated, taken for granted, rejected, ugly, and unloved.

So, unfortunately for her, this will push me STRAIGHT into the arms of other women. Such a selfish act by her deserves the same selfish act. This will all eventually lead to divorce. And you know what? After what she has said to me… I am SUPER cool with that. She skeeves me now.

January 29, 2011 at 1:01 am
(340) Truth says:

Hi All,

Every body has their own reason, for me if I see a woman I am thinking of doing sex with her being a teacher, frontstore woman, classmate. I think there is two thing that we as human work so hard to live for, one which is your stomach that you always wants to keep it comfortable second your peinis or vigina.

wish you all good luck

February 10, 2011 at 3:49 am
(341) Wow says:

I can’t wait till I no longer care and crave for sex..it’s such torucher..my wife constantly finds ways to not have sex with me..I feel so dirty after I watch porn or look at other women..all I want to do is please her..I day dream about loving her all the time when we are apart..she never thinks about sex with me lol..I’ve sent dirty texts and got nothing back..I feel like a slave..if she had sex with me as much as she checked facebook..I would be losing sleep typing on this lil forum

She makes me want to hate sex..

February 14, 2011 at 7:20 am
(342) moonlightlady339 says:

I share your pain. It’s been six years without sex from my husband for me, and sometimes, I simply can’t believe it. He’s always been a hardworking man, and has a very stressful over the road truck driving job. The company my husband works for pushes him “very hard” so I’m reasonably sure there isn’t an affair, he’s just dog tired from working unGodly hours, sometimes 18 or more a day, at least six days a week. But I’m like the others here when I say it has left me feeling: ugly, unwanted, horribly frustrated. I have cried out to God, I have handled things “myself” so to speak, I have considered an affair but didn’t want to break my vows. It’s a horrible way to live, and anyone who does this to their spouse, whether it’s the wife, or the husband, ” shame on you” for breaking the spirit of your spouse like a poor, wounded animal.

February 17, 2011 at 8:56 am
(343) Dave R says:

Let me try and help everyone here;
Sex in a relationship is integral and natural.
Getting Old is Natural.
1.Denial—”It’s OK it has only been a week or two” “It’s been a Month, this can’t be happening, not to me.”, “At least She/He is not cheating on me”.
2.Anger—”Why me?”, “Who is to blame?”
3.Bargaining—”Just let me stick the head in…”, “I’ll do anything”.
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death of the relationship. 4.Depression—”I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”, “I’m going to die… What’s the point?”, “Why go on?”
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5.Acceptance—”It’s going to be okay.”, “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”, “The neighbor is pretty Hot…”
In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with his mortality or that of his loved one.
OK you might have figured out that this is the 5 stages of Death and grieving but it’s pretty much the same. No Sex is like Dying.

February 17, 2011 at 8:59 am
(344) David R says:

It is a natural process, grab a hold of the memories of the times when the Sex was good and be appreciative of what you got to experience. Then try and go out and find a new partner and then discover that it was you all along. We are Old and it will never be the same. You had your day now it’s over, I’m getting depressed posting this but I eliminated all my Girls excuses by being Proactive and I’m getting some Saturday. Three more days then it’s on like Donkey Kong for my two minutes then being desensitized to Sex I will get lazy and let Her get back to Her usual routine of excuses and me complaining but not really caring. We used to go for hours and I know that is too much for Her! We are 41 and 42. I’m comfortable with her in every way but no or infrequent Sex sucks but there is a lot more to life unless you’re still 20.
Now the advice;
1) If you are 18 and She/He is not having Sex with you, SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!!!
2) If you are in your 20′s move on quickly (Seriously) There is alot of Fish in the Sea.
3) If you are in your 30′s Hire a Private Detective.
4) If you are in your 40′s that is where I am at so I can’t give advice here and am willing to listen for any good ideas.
5) If you are 50 and above write this down:
Blue Pills, KY Intense, Flex-All 454, and always keep a couple miniatures close by, and quit smelling like hemorrhoid creme at least a half hour before intimacy.

March 16, 2011 at 6:03 am
(345) twister says:

@ nobodyreally: i really dont know if u’ll read this but if ur then let me tel u….. u voiced my feelings…… i feel absolutely d same.
Much luv

March 21, 2011 at 9:36 am
(346) conc says:

wow I’m here in all this somewhere. Married 15 years, sex was great for first few years 3 times, 2 times weekly. Kids arrive , both tired , overworked, then frequency was down tom every 2 weeks. Now its petered out to non existent. My wife was great at initiating sex but has stopped altogether. I can go without it but I feel us drifting apart emotionally which is actually far more threatening and upsetting. We have a great marriage but I feel confused and find the words ‘I love you’ difficult to say as they feel false.

March 22, 2011 at 9:33 pm
(347) Joan says:

Gee I’ve read all these posts and not one ever mentioned anxiety and depression and the medications that treat it as being a reason for people not wanting sex anymore…
If someone has a hyper sensitive nervous system what an average person thinks of as adequate stimulation can set someone with a sensitive nervous system over the edge….
And depression makes you lose all interst too.

There is also a dynamic that goes something like this…One person wants more sex so they try to get the other person to want it too… when that doesn’t work it becomes a source of contention and it becomes a power stuggle… The message often is.. “Have sex with me or else”… then the lower sex person begins to feel manipulated and not loved, even rejected because of the higer sexed person’s pushing them to have more sex… and then everything gets angry… and who likes to have sex with someone who is angry at you?

March 28, 2011 at 12:13 pm
(348) Ken says:

I read quite a number of your comments last night to help me with a paper I’m working on, but this morning, seeing the link, I decided to leave one of my own. I don’t know how much this will help, or if this will be easily understood, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to have it out there as one piece of knowledge that may or may not allow you to understand your suffering.
There are very many “dynamisms” in relationships and I don’t have the time to go into all of them. The one most relevant though is the dynamism of “desire” vs. rejection. Before I explain this, I want you guys to know that it is highly unlikely that your partners will change. It is almost impossible (for many reasons) for people to change whilst in a relationship, and what you’re going through right now will continue, and may even get worse unless you make the conscious effort to change your self (or simply end the relationship).

March 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm
(349) Ken says:

There are many reasons you can reject someone, but in order to reject them, they must have first desired. Some people who get rejected too much will begin to act as if the world isn’t good enough for them, but really they just see rejection (and thus a potential for separation experienced as death) over and over again. This is the “effect” in the cause effect relationship; their still remains a cause that comes before. Since you must desire first before you are rejected, let’s have a look at what effect desire has on the other person (your spouse). When a person feels desired, they weigh in their heads (unconsciously for most) whether this desire will cause them harm or good. If it will cause them harm (separation/death), they reject the desire. If the desire is perceived as “life affirming” they welcome it. What’s important here is the person’s perception, not your intent. A female might say to herself (unconsciously) If I’m desired for only my looks, I become afraid, for what if my looks fail me one day. Then your desire for me will be gone (and you may leave me) and I will experience a type of death from the ensuing separation. I therefore must reject that desire.

March 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm
(350) Ken says:

On the opposite side of the coin, when we are rejected, most people feel this as a “total” rejection. It’s as if they forgot (in actuality these process occur automatically in the unconscious) it’s as if they forgot that they had a desire, and that (in simple cases since in reality one must judge each individual occurrence as this dynamism covers many spheres of the human world making it very complex) it is this desire which is being rejected, not the person entirely. It’s easy to believe otherwise though since out of self-preservation, we in most cases usually reject the “whole person” though in reality we base this rejection on the rejection of only a “part of the person” (what ever desire we felt threatened by). This is (partly) the reason why two people who supposedly didn’t like each other can grow quite fond of one another.
We cope with our fear of rejection by rejecting first (hence people who have been rejected a lot act as if the world is not good enough for them). Or by spotting signs of rejection before they occur (The girl who must reject if she is desired only for her looks because they will fail and when that happens she will be rejected). The whole thing is intertwined and if someone rejects you, they have been rejected (though not necessarily in the same way) before. Rejection vs. (compulsive) desire is a dynamism that is inoculated into the human being usually by rejection of some significant person in our lives. The goal is to move beyond this dynamism but to do that you will have to do your own “auto-psychotherapy”.
One last thing, while this is true regardless of the gender, it gets more complicated if your husband is the one rejecting you. More dynamisms are involved, but the key here is (in a lot of cases) a severe “castration anxiety” (which is very common in our modern setting for a variety of reasons and can lead to ED in men – most causes of ED are actually psychological since tumescence still occurs whilst dreaming).

April 12, 2011 at 3:04 pm
(351) yearning4passion says:

This is my first post. Though I knew I was probably not the only person living a life of “less”, until I read through this thread I thought I was pretty much alone in feeling the emptiness of a life without passion.

Having read through what appears to be five years of posts, I find that many others also feel anger at lives deprived of intimacy and shared sexuality, and frustration with the “permitted” or “obligatory” sex a spouse might allow.

Five years of posts! I have a lot to think about. For now, I can only say that I feel relief and a certain easing of the guilt I have felt for what I considered to be a selfish desire for the return of passion to my life.

April 12, 2011 at 5:29 pm
(352) OMG says:

I have been reading and reading all of these commments and like so many others I am so thankful to find out that I am not alone! I am 37 (female) and have been married almost 5 years and the longest we went without sex was 18 months.

I have many concerns about this, however the lack of intimacy is my deepest concern. Like many others it has impacted my self-esteem. I have always been very confident and very sexually active as a single-dating individual, so how did I end of marrying the ONE man who’s interest in me has dwindled to NOTHING? I have no idea, but now I am in this and trying to figure out what to do next? We now have 2 kids, which I am trying to cut him some slack for…but at some point doesn’t every man want to touch, kis, cuddle, and have sex with his wife?

I am afraid even the few times we have done it since our first child was born it has always been initiated by me. In addition, we have NO intimacy, no communication, no connection…I’m afraid it’s over – I am just really trying to hang on for my beautiful children – I am hoping this will get better…any suggestions on over coming the “baby bumps” with the sex/intimacy??? Or, once it’s over it’s over?

April 16, 2011 at 4:26 am
(353) menow says:

WOW! I am just starting this, for the past year My wife and i have had sex about 3-4x and its getting to be less and less. I keep hoping what ever she is working thru or dealing with ends soon but after reading this i dont know anymore! I want to be DONE with my marriage some days. (she tells me she is working thru stuff) My year old daughter that i could never live without is the only reason i can find to stay some days. I love my wife so much i want to be with her in every way but she is making it impossible! we barely even touch anymore. What did i do? What can i do? I cant sleep in the same bed with her all i think about is maybe tonight! Its NEVER tonight… She doesn’t get it and she makes me feel like a dirty sex driven perv for wanting it… I dont know if i could say NO if an offer came up from someone else. I would like to think i would because i love my wife but since we have had no sex we are so disconnected i worry i am the only one IN LOVE in this relationship!

April 22, 2011 at 3:34 am
(354) Ms. Paramour says:

Tonight this night comes again,
and brings with it this pain
many of you here have known it before,
burns up this body, like it was up in flames

Like a fire it travels through,
pulsating pushing me for you
the heart beat follows like a rhythm
the breath dances on this beat so true

As if i am an invisible face, I see you unaware,
But, you neither have time nor any care
I stand aside watching my body’s madness,
So painful painful painful has become this sadness…

April 23, 2011 at 9:06 pm
(355) alwaysdenied says:

It’s horrible. We have been married for two years and for the last 12 months we’ve been having less and less sex. It has been 3 months now since the last time. I always ask him if the wants to, and he always says no. I love him so much, but I don’t want to live my life like this. I feel so unwanted and undesirable.

April 24, 2011 at 3:05 am
(356) BB says:

… same here! about 1 year w/out sex with my wife. And now,I simply do not want it anymore. All I want is divorce and gain my life/self-worth back.

I love my kid and will always “be there” for my kid, but life cannot continue to be this hellish forever — the way I see it, a happier dad will lead to a happier kid.

BB

May 15, 2011 at 5:10 am
(357) yyoo says:

can’t not imagine the marriage without sex.

May 15, 2011 at 9:50 pm
(358) ChicagoSteve says:

Andy’s comment way up there hits home for me. I’ve been with my girl for about a year. I’m 22, she’s 26. She’s really educated, I’m not. We started dating out of lust, our sex drives were both very high. We’d have weekend long sex sessions, but then we started taking the pill. We both got tested for STDs first, and we were both clean. Then she started to hate sex and get a lot of pain. Turns out the pill was killing her sex drive. To make things worse, she contracted HPV from me (which is untestable in men, apparently). Overtaken by guilt, I asked her to marry me, and said that we would faces
all these challenges (mainly the sexless relationship and the HPV) together.
I love sex, a lot, and we haven’t done it in months. She loves me, and is such a good girlfriend, but has no desire to have sex when we meet up. She’s also looking forward to the marriage to come.
I, however, and pretty upset about the prospect of a sexless marriage.
I love her well enough, that’s for sure, but damn. I’m young and wanna have the carefree, passionate sweaty sex promised to by countless movies and TV shows. I don’t wanna be 28 and look back at high school as my sexual prime, but I don’t wanna break this girl’s heart. I’d die for her happiness, I really would, but its so much harder to live for her happiness.

Any thoughts?

May 16, 2011 at 1:09 am
(359) OBE says:

What a discussion!I am 56,female having dysfunctional marriage
for many years now,last two-just unbearable most of the time…
Loved my husband blindly,we were married very early in life,were happy?I do not know now…Sex was part of life-like air…
But my husband have destructive habit-he drinks.And over time it seems it took away best what we have,including intimacy.
Very bitter feeling,we are living like roommates for last 3 years,was not possible to actually live separately,now we try to arrange it. To have sex again could melt me …But I do not trust him anymore to let him touch me,again,ever …now.But logically marriage could not be without sex.To be friends and to be intimate:am I too idealistic?Or just naive?

May 17, 2011 at 9:51 am
(360) torn up says:

Wow. I thought I was the only one with these problems!!!! I have been in a relationship for about a year now. I am a beautiful woman and I get hit on everywhere I go, men and women. BUt, when it comes to the man I’m supposed to be marrying.. NOTHING. Maybe a pat on the bottom, and he jokes around about having sex, but we never do it. At night when I sleep I’m so close to the edge of the bed, and I haven’t slept well in about 3 months because of this. I too feel dirty about thinking about sex all the time, and coming onto him. It wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t such a handsome guy. The worst part is we aren’t even married yet. I’m 29 years old and he is the first man that every made me orgasm, which makes me even more turned on!! OH my goodness I meditate and exercise to try to keep my mind off it but that only goes so far. HE is so perfect for me we talk have the same sense of humor, he is just a wonderful man. What’s messed up is the men before him couldn’t get enough sex and cheated on me repeatedly. I feel cursed!!! I feel ugly and just plain not good enough. I must’ve been a pimp in my past life and now I’m paying for it!!!

May 17, 2011 at 10:53 am
(361) too young for this shit! says:

Wow. I was frustrated this morning after another sleepless night. So I got on Google and typed in no sex, no sleep and this forum popped in. I must say now, I am more afraid than I was before I started reading about the same issues people were having about the no sex policy that been going on. I am sad because I have only been in this relationship for about a year, and I mean I am so in love with this man. He is absolutely wonderful, that’s what hurts so bad. He is intelligent, incredibly handsome, sweet, kind at heart, and the list goes on and on. He is for me, but I dunno, maybe the door is shut on my end. I am 29 and hot! I get hit on by men and women everywhere I go, even with a few extra pounds on me. I haven’t gained any weight, my breath is fresh! LOL When we met I was the same person as I am now. I feel cursed because the men before were just slinging it to me and everyone else, now that I have a sensible, creative lover, I’m lacking in romance … and we’ve only been together for … I will say it …. ten months. He is 36. I thought 36 year olds couldn’t get enough of it. I’m wondering is this what I have to look forward to? I mean I haven’t had a good nights rest since winter time! The worst part is he is the first person to ever give me a real orgasm, I mean our sex is zero! It just isn’t enough. I feel like a horny, dirty little girl and he doesn’t help. I think he fakes sleeping so I don’t come on to him. Am I paranoid?

May 18, 2011 at 5:16 am
(362) 27female says:

@NoBodyReally.

I feel like you are telling me the story of my life. My husband and I have been married for 4 years have a baby boy together. We went from energizer bunnies to nothing overnight right after we got married. I went thru depression twice. I too wonder all the time should I just get it elsewhere. I am glad I found this forum and to know I am not alone, but saddened to exactly know the pain everyone else here is feeling. I have recently swolled my pride and have become a slut in the bedroom. Even that only works sometimes. I literally jump him. I feel like I am almost raping him. It is horrible. No body wants to feel like they are forcing their partner to do something they dont want. He is always happy after its done. I really honestly dont know what to do. I even thought he was gay for a while. He is not. I am thinking of asking him to go to counseling with me again. there is obviously something wrong and I dont want to end something so great that works on every other level except this. We have sex maybe once every 3 months. every 2 months if im lucky! Its is ALWAYS me whos instigaing it too. Doesnt do much for your ego or self esteem. Good luck and hope your found a solution to this…

May 18, 2011 at 10:17 pm
(363) ROSE says:

menow

I like to communicate with you please send me your email.

May 19, 2011 at 10:44 pm
(364) unhappyly loved says:

My husband and i have been togeather for 5 1/2 years but we married last year in september. This man is my bestfriend i love him i cant see life with out him………BUT I HATE HIM FOR MAKEING ME FEEL LIKE IM WORTHLESS!!!!!!!!!
I thought it was just my relationship…i didnt know there were others. He dosent kiss me or hug me or even say i love you. Iam always the one asking and he is always saying NO…he sometimes gets so upset he sleeps on the couch cause i asked. :( I love him but i need more im so angry and hurt i feel like a ugly unwanted woman. The sad thing is i love him to much to leave,cheat,or ask for a divorce.

May 20, 2011 at 5:13 pm
(365) alice says:

this is just my opinion but i have a strong feeling that iam righ.at 33yrs iam single and i consider myself to be mature.i think sex is very important in marriage and its just a joke for someone to say to people that they should stop having sex after marriage.

The thing, is when people get married its not always the case that they always think about to what extent they love each other or how much chemistry they’ve got for each other if you want and for how long could this last.in most cases one partner will have that lasting chemistry than the other.for example i have this guy asking me out for marriage. i love this guy and he ticks all the other boxes but do i have that lasting chemistry? no.

i promise you if i married this guy we would have seperate bedrooms maybe after 1yr.i think for the sex to last in a marriage there has to be that mutual strong chemistry whereby you both live like your lives depend on each other in as far as that area is concerned.sadly this mutual chemistry is not common.but still i think people should try at least.you can’t live with your husband like as if you are living with your sister for goodness’s sake.and if your partner wants it, try and do it for him/her.i just find it selfish when one married partner denies the other this one important thing in their relationship.it is just heartless.

I wouldnt want to be married like that.if marriage is like that i better not go there.because whats the point?

May 22, 2011 at 3:20 pm
(366) Lonely 28 says:

I am 28 yrs old, been with my husband for a total of 11 years and married for 4 and we never have sex.
When we try, he doesn’t get aroused and sometimes due to this I think that I have something wrong. It does make me look in the mirror and feel ugly, undesired and unwanted. I have ended up crying at first after this happens and feeling really sad.
In time I have lost interest to approach him romantically. He has become like my best friend or my brother, someone who I deeply love and do not want to loose simply because I have a close connection to but this relationship to me is not normal for a marriage.
Sex is on my mind all the time and I crave for it.
When I tried to approach him to see a doctor he anwered that it’s because he gets exited and that’s why this happens to him. Is it possible?? Is it normal?? I cry infront of him when this happens and he does nothing about it.
I have been faithful till now although there has been temptation.

My main problem now is how to reconnect again to try to save my marriage because at the moment I can’t because I don’t feel sexually attracted to him any more. I am only scared that if we do have sex, I might feel nothing.

May 23, 2011 at 3:07 am
(367) Rob says:

So here’s my story.
I started dating my wife when I was 37(i’m 49 now), dated for about 6 months and we decided to get married and have a child together. Sex was great while we were dating but after we had our little girl, my wife had postpartum depression that has lasted for years. She was not only not interested in having sex with me, but wouldn’t go or do anything with me and as a consequence I felt rejected, angry and lonely. Against everything I believed or wanted, I had a brief affair and have to say it was the best and worst thing that has occurred in my life. The sex was great and it made me feel alive again, but the affair served only to distance me further from my wife and made me feel worse adding guilt and more loneliness to the pile of already negative feelings. My wife is a beautiful, wonderful, soft spoken, good hearted caring person but has a very limited ability to be intimate. Her depression made it impossible to discuss with her how I felt, as it would only compound her own anxieties and as a result I live a very lonely life. At this point, I have slept alone now for 2 years in another room contemplating having another affair, hoping to find someone that is in a similar situation but not wanting to get divorced. Unfortunately, it does not comfort me to know that other people are in the same situation. I was actually hoping to find a solution other than having an affair, so if anyone has got one, let’s hear about it.

May 24, 2011 at 5:02 pm
(368) Doubtful says:

“it locks me in an eternal battle with my conscience, who i am, and what i want from my life.

i’m not sure if i am making sense to anyone. but maybe there’s someone who feels the same way, and don’t have the words yet…”

I didn’t have the words, but you pinned it down perfectly. I’m not married, but my boyfriend of 2 and a half years live together and basically plan to marry one day… But I’ve been having doubts that have me constantly mentally battling myself. In our first year together, our sex life was good. But it went downhill sometime around a year or so ago. Our physical contact has felt forced instead of sprung from desire. I’m terrified of what marriage would look like. I’m terrified our sex life would become nonexistent if it’s gotten so dull and predictable now. I just want to be taken in his arms and kissed and told I’m hot, and thrown on the bed…. I don’t believe those things will ever happen with him. But at the same time, I love him and we’re great together in so many important ways. I often wonder if I’m asking for too much. If I’ve fantasized an image of love that isn’t realistic. If I can be happy in a marriage with relations as they are, and if I could stand for them to decrease even more. I often wonder if he really does love me, or if he isn’t with me for other reasons. I wonder if he even thinks I’m slightly attractive. It drives me crazy and I think about these things all the time, which leads to my feeling guilty and deceptive. I don’t want to discuss this stuff with him anymore, because I don’t want him to go through the motions just to make me happy. I want him to actually genuinely WANT me.

May 25, 2011 at 4:27 pm
(369) John says:

Whats wrong with everyone on this thread? If you are not humping than its not a relationship. Just walk away. If I dont have sex more than once a week I would go insane.

May 26, 2011 at 10:32 am
(370) WishIhadKnown says:

Marriage is a big risk. If one person loses sex drive, the other suffers immensely. Leave or put up with losing one of the driving reasons for marrying that person in the first place. Some of us get married believing that the sweet, loving sex is a real plus in our lives. What else has the power to make us feel so loved and special? Losing that connection is hell on earth for some of us. I do not want to cheat. Disease, humiliation, loss of self-respect: who wants that? I guess it’s one of the great jokes and ironies of life. Young hearts, run free while you can.

May 29, 2011 at 5:37 am
(371) My Story says:

Most of these stories are echoing my story. My wife does not like having sex unless we are doing it. I initiate it nearly every time. It takes about 30 min of me kissing her neck, caressing her breasts, etc to get her going and another 5 min trying to put it in her without hurting her. Half the time we stop before I orgasm because it starts to hurt her due to no lubrication. We have tried KY and others, but it still burns (according to her). She won’t do oral, even after a fresh shave and shower. I want to do it to her, but she never lets me. Nor does she let me rub her clitoris while we are having sex. She says it’s too much and she can’t handle it. She rarely touches my penis.
We have been together for almost 12 wonderful years (since 10th grade) and married for 4 years. We have no kids. She is the only person I have been with and same for her. She is the best woman for me in every aspect except sexually. I can count on two hands the number of times we have done oral. And dare say that we have had sex less than 100 times since we first did it our senior year about 10 years ago. After 1 year of marriage we had sex 6 times that first year. Our second year of marriage we didn’t do it for 6 months. We average about 1-2 times every two months or so. Sometimes I get lucky and get sex 3 days in a row, but then we won’t do it again for two months or longer.

May 29, 2011 at 5:38 am
(372) My Story (continued) says:

I don’t know what to do. I love her so much and I don’t think I could ever cheat on her. But it is getting increasingly harder to fight the urge to want to have sex with other women. It is especially hard when my single friends show me pics of them with different women. I never got to experience that one night stands or just sex with another woman. I do like bragging to people that I haven’t been with anyone else other than my wife. It is pretty neat to be able to say that. But then again I would like to have had sex with other women.
My wife isn’t fat. She is pretty good looking. In my opinion she could lose some weight around her thighs. And it would be nice if she had more than a half a handful of breasts. But if she would let me do to her and her do to me what I would like, I wouldn’t care much about what she does or does not have physically. In fact, my co-workers and friends tell me they wish their wives looked like mine.
Unfortunately, I have had to resort to masturbation in order to fulfill my needs. I wouldn’t masturbate often if I got more sex/oral sex from my wife. But sometimes you gotta take matters in your own hands. (hahaha). To be honest, it actually depresses me that I have to masturbate. It is not nearly as fulfilling as the real thing.
Oh, and those who say that a sexless marriage is great, you are either lying to us or yourself…

June 6, 2011 at 6:00 am
(373) broken spirit says:

DOUBTFUL @ 367 ……Ive read your posts and I really echo your pain in my heart. Im 21yrs married and still love my wife but we have sex maybe twice a year if im lucky. You mentioned that you plan to marry one day and thats why I had to write…please DONT get married at least not to this guy anyway. The mental torture you are enduring will only get worse especially if he keeps you at a distance just now. Lifes too short to be beating yourself up over this, its NOT your fault. I have 5 kids , (yes many years ago we did have sex) im only 43 and I can tell you that despite still being deeply in love with my wife, if it wasnt for the kids I would have to walk away. The thought of more wasted lonely years tears me up.
Please dont fall into the same category, find someone who will really love you and love being with you. I know the internal hate I have for myself over this but being in love with a gorgeous woman who doesnt even consider sex makes me feel empty and frustrated. Dont let this happen to you , you go out and enjoy life. Peace to your spirit.

June 8, 2011 at 7:12 am
(374) Name says:

Those first few comments are TROLLS! Sheesh…

June 9, 2011 at 12:45 am
(375) gingersnap says:

I’ve been married for 6 years. I have lost interest in sex because my husband doesn’t do it the way I want it. I want rough powerful sex. Sex with my husband is like having sex with a woman. Slow and gentle. I want to be pummeled to submission. You know, like rape in action?

My husband loves to have sex everyday if he can. He wants oral sex. How can I do that if I am not aroused? He could come ONLY if I make him come (woman on top until I get very tired). I can come If I make myself come at will. I am frustrated, I want to come because he made me come, and it is not happening.

I am frustrated for 7 years now. I realize that we are just 2 different beings with different sexual desires. I stop wanting him to be who I want him to do. I just stop wanting to have sex because I am not getting it the way I want it to be.

He wants sex but he wants me to perform it for him. I just lost the desire to perform. I am tired.

June 13, 2011 at 1:03 pm
(376) Anna says:

I have an extremely lengthy and detailed story that I am considering posting. Just wondering how many people would actually be willing to read a very long post on this topic and reply.

June 14, 2011 at 11:39 am
(377) hai says:

try avoiding sex before marriage and multiple sexual partners…the above tip can help for people who wants to get connected with their life partner

June 19, 2011 at 5:21 pm
(378) thelegend says:

4 the women not getting enough… maybe u should look inward at why u aren’t getting it and stop blaming everything on everyone else. maybe put down the fork. It’s not attractive when now your woman wears the same size clothes as u and eats twice as much as a grown man. hasn’t worked a job in years, yet the house is still nasty and lunches not packed and dinner not cooked. come home to a dirty home to find wife has done nothing but play on the computer all day and ignore son. not only is the physical attraction long gone but you’re not even a good wife, better yet a good mother. and when you do have sex all u do is lay there and expect all kinds of orgasms every time. it’s just turns into more work. go to work, come home give son some attention,fix dinner and clean house, pay all the bills, etc.
heck with all that. better off single

June 21, 2011 at 1:11 am
(379) Mr. A says:

This is to gingersnap:

I’m thinking that you want something new for a change and that it has been difficult for you to get it. I can understand him being more assertive and taking charge and being able to cum when he wants to, but wanting to go towards having rough sex all the time might be too much. Try letting him know that getting rough with you doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care and that in fact it could strengthen your relationship because he’ll get out of that comfort zone and see that even when doing things that are normally thought of as being offensive, you still care about him and won’t flip out over it. Good luck.

June 21, 2011 at 5:20 am
(380) Susan says:

I can relate to the stress of not having a sex life in your marriage, but I resent the feelings my husband seems to have about my weight after 25 years!

Is that all this is about? I only love you physically when you are thin? I am trying to lose weight and when I do, there are lots of single men my age moving here and retiring. and they are quite interesting. I don’t want to run into another man that needs to have a size 5 (or less) woman in order to be attracted

I’ve had to be really strong cause the temptation is there. There is one man I was very attracted to until some friends and I told him he should marry his live-in partner, and he did! Now I have to realize that will not be happening, but I still enjoy his wit and fllirty behavior, and his wife and I are
friends!

June 22, 2011 at 12:31 am
(381) Never Gonna End Up Like You says:

Man I’m so glad I’m a single.

I get sex pretty much whenever I need it and I need it quite a bit. Heck with getting married… thanks for all the good advice and here’s some from me 2 u:

If your man is not having sex with you, he’s either GAY or he’s getting it somewhere else or he has serious mental problems… for the women not having sex with their men, he has lost his sex appeal or he never had it to begin with and you simply married for money. You probably should have married that broke bad boy… oh well, you made your bed… now sleep in it.

June 29, 2011 at 2:18 am
(382) Mrs. Wanting it badly says:

Have at it Anna–many will read your lengthy post!

July 1, 2011 at 7:53 pm
(383) Chuck says:

A response to Jane……….you and your husband are idiots… educated maybe,, but idiots !

July 3, 2011 at 9:31 pm
(384) Teriss123 says:

I have been married for 22 yrs, we split for 6yrs. I originally left him because he and i didnt have sex for 4 yrs. After the children i gained alot of weight and he didnt find me attractive. I worked full time and had 2 children to raise and you could eat off my floor and i am a very good cook.He lived a single life and I took care of the kids and house and him as well as working in a high stress job. I am very attractive, even with the extra weight. After we split the weight just fell off. (I had low self asstem, re: the rejection.) I had men a plenty and enjoyed every sexual encounter i had. I love sex. I love the feel, the closeness, the feeling of being wanted and needed. All through our separation, he never stopped trying to get back together with me. He became the man i wanted again.wanting me, loving me and now, we have been back together for 4 yrs, and we are back to no sex. Its been 2 yrs. I thought we had been givin a second chance but I should have known better.
I thought i was the only one that had sexual issues with their spouses and i am grateful to have read all your comments. Good Luck to all of you.

July 4, 2011 at 1:15 am
(385) micy says:

i am a virgin, and married for one and half months. i don’t know what is wrong with our relationship.
we knew each other for four years. and we couldn’t do it until now. my husband comes home in week ends and we just spend the time watching movies and travelling. we tried makeing love every week together and it didn’t go that far.
have anyone experienced any difficulty when you have sex for the first time?
this spoils my mind, feeling like he doesn’t have any interest on me. and my question is why we couldn’t do it even at our honeymoon.

July 4, 2011 at 1:25 am
(386) micy says:

i am sure. this can’t be normal. please tell someone. what should we do?

July 5, 2011 at 6:54 pm
(387) jess says:

Micy… this is not normal by any means. And if you do nothing, things will never improve and only get worse. My advice would be to discuss your concerns with your husband. Let him know how your feeling.
Be open with each other and talk about your feelings and emotions. If it means seeking professional help then be it. Try to save your relationship before theres no turning back. Trust me, ive been there and its to late for me.
Hope everything works out.

July 7, 2011 at 4:11 am
(388) micy says:

thanks jess,
We went to two doctors and was told that the problem is with the foreskin(uncircumcised), and has prescribed some lubrications.
also he has told that this can be done by a surgery. and we are looking forward for the surgery as there’s no progress with the oinments.
hope every things gonna be ok.

July 7, 2011 at 7:30 pm
(389) Edz says:

I am in a no sex for 18 months relationship (not married) we have been together for 4 years nearly. she is kind and caring and a lot younger than me and we get on really well and care about each other a lot. she finds it hard talking about her feelings or about the subject of no sex so out of consideration for her feelings i don’t mention it any more though she states she is happy about the way things are.i can’t imagine how crap life would be without her but i can’t deny i feel unhappy with no physical relationship.i keep telling myself it will change.I am an athletic person and still attractive to women and she tells me this but i can’ t be unfaithful to her because in every other way she makes me happy.
I am afraid if I make an issue out of it it will do more harm than good.
Happy or not,I am pretty much resigned to how things are.

July 11, 2011 at 3:54 am
(390) Riccardo says:

I have been married for 24 years. Sex has been rare and stopped altogether for about a year now. My wife refuses sex and blames it on me. I think she has something wrong with her and just can’t accept the blame. I only stay in the marriage for my kids. If this continues, I will leave her for certain. I give it another 4 years at best.

I am bitter, depressed and I have lost my faith because of this. If you are in a relationship like this and you don’t have kids, run like the wind!

I wish I could meet all you women who aren’t getting anything from your husbands!

July 16, 2011 at 7:15 am
(391) unknown man says:

Anyone like me, getting sexually teased and no sex?? Been in a relaitonship for 3 years and used to have sex a lot, ie sometimes 5x a day. Now, maybe 1month with no sex, and I am being sexually teasted, ie my girl will jump on me when going to bed al,most naked, and grind herself against me, like woman on top sex position, i am hard and ready and dying for sexual relief, she will kiss me and lick my neck and such and then just jump off me and proceed to go to sleep and leave me there more than ready and feeling unbelievably horrible, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I love her very much, but I need relief, she just “winds me up” and never gives me the release I desperately need. I am not suicidal, but I would rather not be alive. I am ruined I feel, like if I were to break up with her it would take forever for me to get over this as I feel this pain from being teased and getting no relief all the time. I canntop sleep, as we live together and this sexy girl is next to me touching me and cuddling if I allow it, and I am extremely hard and in need of sexual love. I feel my spirit is “broken” now. I am so confused as to how she can tease me like this. She doesnt always tease me but just cuddling with me, and feeling my erection and doing nothing about it and telling me she doesnt want to have sex even though I NEED it. I hate my life.

July 17, 2011 at 3:04 pm
(392) Cat says:

This is to Gene (8). I am so sympathetic. I was married to a man that I adored for 29 years and 7 months. We still have love for one another but I should say that I would never take him back if the opportunity was in front of me. We had a good relationship for 20 of those years. One day he decided that he wouldn’t ever touch me again. Sexually active and physically enjoying each other one day and the next (literally) never to be touched again. Not even a hand held. I stuck it out for 9 years. My self esteem fell to such a low that I shot up to 212 pounds. I looked old and tired. I let my friendships disappear. I didn’t feel that I was in a situation that anyone would understand and to tell you the truth, I was judged by those that I did share with. Not all, but most. I finally filed for divorce and shortly after lost a lot of weight. I began to get a social life again and met a wonderful man. We began a whirlwind romance. Our physical relationship was very healthy and we couldn’t get enough of each other (physically or conversationally). We are a great match. Three days after he and I spoke seriously about getting married we were given a diagnosis of stage four (final stage) liver cancer that had spread to both of his lungs. We married two weeks later. I now am in another sexless marriage. No fault of his but I am still suffering some of the same side effects that I did in my first marriage. Weight is creeping up and I feel lonely and unloved. I know that he loves me but it still plays with the mind and self esteem. We’ve had sex three times since our marriage 5 months ago. I am now 50 and wonder if I ever will be able to feel completely loved by another human being. I am now focusing on his health and my spiritual growth. There are good things that come from every situation. The good thing that I am getting right now is a greater understanding of different types of love and the depths of love. Hang in there. I wish you happiness.

July 19, 2011 at 11:59 pm
(393) Dave says:

I haven’t had sex with my wife for 4 yrs now.. we have been married for about 24yrs with 2 grown up kids.I am perfectly normal and I have so much libido .i feel so deprived usually during nightime and I am in despair now on what next..I dont want to cheat on her, but then i afraid this deprivation may lead to other weird behaviours or even dangerous. Anybody can help me please

July 25, 2011 at 8:19 am
(394) Doomed to never have sex again says:

My wife and I didn’t marry until late in life. I was nearly 40 and she was a few years younger. I’ve always had a high sexual appetite and when we met, we soon enjoyed an active sex life. Of sorts.

From the start, we noticed she had pain when we had sex. Endometriosis resulted in a total hysterectomy. Then after a few years, she experience more pain, and she had surgery to remove the adhesion scars caused by the initial hysterectomy. Unfortunately, the gyno ruptured her bladder but didn’t realise he’d also ruptured her bowel. A few days later, he botched another operation as well. It then took another surgeon three more operations to save her life.

Luckily, she suffered no psychological, mental or emotional damage, although physically the scars look like the surgeons played Noughts and Crosses on her abdomen. Sexually, she doesn’t cope.

We’re very happily married, but haven’t had sex for a few years now. Every time I penetrated her, she could only cope with it for a few minutes and we take matters into hand, so to speak. But of course, her sexual desires have diminished to nothing now.

Whereas, my OWN desires haven’t flamed out at all yet. I’m heading towards 60, but could still do it 3 times a day if my wife desired. So yes, I’m possibly oversexed, and married to a woman who’s definitely undersexed. And oh how hard it is at times (pun intended).

And although my wife loves me, I can’t talk about sex, because she underwent all these painful gynaecological operations and has never, ever whinged about it. So how can I complain about a simple thing like “I want sex, please!” I masturbate a few times a day, but I haven’t been able to fantasize about her for a long time, because of all the pain that sex creates for her. This makes me feel guilty, but I’d never have an affair, although I’ve thought of it. And I’d never leave her, because I love her too much. So, I’m doomed to live the rest of my life without sex. Too bad for me.

July 28, 2011 at 1:07 am
(395) MyBad says:

Ok, I screwed up. No details but 4 years ago my wife stopped having sex with me. For 2 years she said she just didn’t want sex any more. In part due to my behavior (I’ll admit to the porn; there was more). The 3rd year things changed. She started wanting time away from the kids & house. Fine, she works hard, take a weekend and visit friends; I can support that! About a year ago I discovered she was having an affair. I confronted her (gently). She admitted to the affair. We did argue & raise voices but the bottom line was she had had 2 affairs & the reason was that she just could not have sex with me anymore & needed to know if she could even have sex again. She said that she was no longer my wife & deserved a new life. I had no say in it, nor even knew about this ‘new’ arrangement in our marriage. She said I should do what I needed to do & has given me ‘permission’ to seek out sex elsewhere. I simply can’t do that. The 2nd affair ended 7 months ago & we have done a lot of relationship rebuilding. Our 17th anniversary is next month & I love her so much. She has forgiven me for my bad, & I hers. How then do we restart our sex life after so much time, pain, & hurt? Both strongly believe that we need to be strong for the kids & being together is the best thing. She is sorry for not being able to fulfill my needs & I’ve tried romance in all shapes and sizes. She commented I’ve done well & been very patient. But NO SEX! I don’t want to be with another woman, & I still hurt when she has talked with the x-boyfriend (infrequent, but has happened a few times; he wants more). I do know that the affair is over (& won’t start again; the details are unimportant), but I need/want her back! I need/want to spend my life with her! I need/want to have SEX with her! She loves me too, I just know. But my behavior was BAD, & we suffered huge consequences. She forgives me but can’t let go of the pain I caused. She says she is stuck! Suggestions?

July 29, 2011 at 10:44 pm
(396) MyBad says:

Well I was wrong about one thing. She sleep with the boyfriend again after 7 months. I left her today. SO Sad!
d:((

August 1, 2011 at 10:50 am
(397) Shewantscommitment says:

I’m not even married and the sex is gone. Been with her for over 3 years and things fizzled after 18 months. we are both only 21 and I’m in my sexual prime! Have had sex 5 times this year (on a 2 month dry spell now) and it has got to the point where I don’t even bother anymore. I love her to death but there is no way this relationship is gonna survive after this when I have built a wall to defend myself from constant rejection.

She wants more but why the hell would I lock myself into a sexless marriage. When it does happen I frequently hear things such as “Can you hurry up?” and “are you done yet?”. Tried everything (not pressuring, doing more around the house, taking time off from each other, talking, etc, etc, etc) and she says she will change but never does. I just don’t have the heart to tell her that we will never make it….

You must think I’m crazy for staying this long…..So do I.

August 2, 2011 at 2:23 pm
(398) john says:

TO Shewantcommitment, please do not do what I did, do NOT allow yourself to stay in this situation. I was in a VERY similar situaton, same age, length of relationship, love, etc. I stayed in a “relationship” after the sex pretty much stopped, and after living together with pretty much no sex for 4 months, I was being way to affected by the stress, I woke up a coule times soaking wet. My ex thought I had urinated in bed, it was that wet, but it was not urine, but sweat, I woke up shaking and covered in my own sweat like that 2 times. I ended it after a semester at university ended and told her she had to go and take her stuff, she said she would change and that this would not happen to me anymore, and I loved her so much, but it was not worth the risk of being “trapped” in that situation for another semester, I may have killed myself.

August 2, 2011 at 2:24 pm
(399) john says:

Part 2:

The emotional, psychological and physical suffering I endured was too much, it definitely changed me and I am never going to be able to forget. I was literally fearful of going to sleep if she was in bed already, SCARED of the horrible feelings that would take over me, and ebign utterly helpless to get relief form this living hell. To this day I have some PTSD-like symptoms, this can get in my head and then I feel like I did when I was trying to forget about my need and go to sleep while she was cuddling with me and touching me and ignoring my painful erection; when these thoughts and feelings come to me they may last for hours and there is not much I can do, as soon I forget it seems to pop up in my head again, just like when I was with her. People, please, do not allow yourself to be treated like this, tell that person that even though you love them, you will not stay with someone who causes you so much suffering and can help you, can eliminate your massive problem, if she would choose to, but ignores your pain or enjoys it. Leave them!!!! Or else your life will be forever affected in a very negative way. Nobody who loves you and is worth being with will watch and listen to your suffering knowing they can end it and change your life from a living hell to heavan and yet does not do this, F them! Be strong, known you are right and normal, and the other is cruel or wants you to end it or just very sick in the head, do not end up like me. Now I have to tell my girlfriends that I have a problem and sometimes I will “need” sex or I will be feeling extremely bad, so I will have to go sleep alone, still not feeling great, or have sex… they understand, but it sucks, and I don’t really want to tell people about this…. Its so bad how this is so hard to talk about, yes sex is at the core of humans psyche and s healthy and natural, do not let these crazy people to treat you like this, they are sick!!!

August 3, 2011 at 10:34 am
(400) Petr says:

It is hard to gauge how many MEN are suffering this predicament. All too often it is assumed that the woman is the neglected one. But so goes this for men as well.
My story. I am a 42 y.o. male, married and divorced. I am living with a woman of similar age, and similar life experience. We have been together for (7) years, and we have not shared intimacy of any kind for the last (4). We have slept in separate rooms for the last 2-1/2 yrs. I am much more sexual and sensual than she is. From the moment we began dating, I knew there was a large disparity in our intimate desires. I am still attracted to her physically and emotionally, but living like room mates is not what I envisioned at this point in my life.
I have focused my energy on work and other interests, but they do not fill that ‘void’. I have turned to internet porn for my release, but masturbation has become a purely mechanical operation (I think of the ‘orgasmatron’ from the Woody Allen films). When I am out, I find myself looking at other women. But I feel discouraged and melancholic about my desires for them: I have zero confidence, I feel undesirable. When ever there is a couple on the street, young or old, holding hands, I think about what I am missing. I also think about telling them how foolish they look. I often think about the energy I invest in taking care of myself, I think ‘why bother?’ I should just enjoy eating and drinking and lazing on the couch, and turn into a typical American couch potato.
I am at the end of my rope. I think back to the days of being in my 30′s and single, how I was dating and being a ladies man. And I regret ever getting involved with someone.

August 4, 2011 at 4:31 pm
(401) David says:

I am so glad to see this thread still going on. I have had a theory that there are other sexless marriages, but seeing this evidence is healing for me. My spouse and I have been sleeping apart for a year now. After a stroke and ensuing anxiety attacks, I came to grips with the fact that I just do not love her, and never have. I tried, but just could never make it happen. Now that she is quite overweight, dependent, emotionally immature, and I have grown in a different direction, I am not attracted to her at all, and in fact she repulses me. I could not force myself any longer to try to please her when she just cannot meet my needs. And to top it off, I have found feelings for a long time friend of mine, with whom I also DO NOT have relations, which feelings I have never had before for anyone. And I now understand how a man can be aroused because he loves a woman so much inside. How her scent can make him dissolve, and how her voice can make him calm, and how she feeds him just by being near. How talking with her gives him insight, challenge, and assurance. Having that insight, and knowing I never have had that with my spouse, I now know the relationship I need in order to have a sex life. Now, I will not ever have one, and I am comfortable with the thought of being alone for the duration, although I feel cheated out of one of the gifts of life that I had hoped to have. But I have had some of the same feelings – like I have to do all the work, I need someone else to seduce me, I am dealing with a child, I need to be with an equal and not an inferior or superior woman, and feeling guilty for having my own needs – and it is nice to finally feel like I am not the only one. I have resolved myself to living without a relationship, there are plenty and loads of other things in my life. And I am happy that I do not have to have it

August 5, 2011 at 4:01 pm
(402) Elizabeth says:

I almost never feel like having sex. The only time when I feel like having sex is a couple of days after my period. I always see this as normal as sex drive is regulated by hormones. The problem is my boyfriend of many years wants sex very often, and in the past I’ve given in and it has been so uncomfortable, and I’ve felt so dirty and like I hated him for making me have sex when I didnt want to. Then I just didnt want to have sex out of resentment, as soon as we got into foreplay i’d get so angry and remember all those times I didnt want to have sex but did anyway, having to fake everything. Now im the thought of it disgusts me, I must have felt violated or something, because now im literally disgusted with sex. My boyfriend is great though, and I love him very much and wish i could stay with him in-definitively, but He feels so bad about me turning him down. I feel I should tell him “I dont want to have sex but a couple of days a month! so we are not having sex until BOTH of us want to. But I dont know how to say that. It makes me feel guilty, like is my duty to give him sex, but sex as a duty will kill me. I will hate him for it.

August 5, 2011 at 4:02 pm
(403) Elizabeth says:

I almost never feel like having sex. The only time when I feel like having sex is a couple of days after my period. I always see this as normal as sex drive is regulated by hormones. The problem is my boyfriend of many years wants sex very often, and in the past I’ve given in and it has been so uncomfortable, and I’ve felt so dirty and like I hated him for making me have sex when I didnt want to.

August 5, 2011 at 4:04 pm
(404) Elizabeth says:

This is all sheer stupidity I suspect, maybe everybody ought to be friends and thats that. No Marriage, and no more marriage-like relationships. The thing is this relationships just put stress on the friendship that forms initially. Sex is for procreation. If it happens, cool enjoy it. If it doesnt chill, its not like we are supposed to be having sex every day or we are gonna die or theres something “wrong” with us. Marriage like relationships put emphasis on a possesion like relationship. You are mine, do not do anything I dont like or else! And you must fullfill all my expectations. It just kills the freedom. Relationships shouldnt have any expectations, perhaps they could last longer like that. I dont know. But I like what the psycologist said. I wish I could get my own bedroom, annd no sex until BOTH of us want it. I wouldnt hate my boyfriend or feel guilt or disgust like that.

August 5, 2011 at 4:14 pm
(405) Elizabeth says:

When people say “i feel like im living with a room mate” I just dont get it. You ARE living with a room mate. You met this human being and now you are living together. He is your room mate. And you are both Human and this has to be understood and respected. If You roommate doesnt wantto have sex you cant force him to have it with you, or go the other extreme and feel like dirt because he turned you down. Its NORMAL. MAriages ARE friendships that then get hammered with a bunch of expectations and restrictions and rules. They never go beyond Deep friendship with sexual relations when hormones call for it. We are sexual, we dont have “sexual relationships” different from friendship, we have sex when we feel like it, and if one is married and monogamous then you will have sex with that person whenever you do. If you dont have sex, it is still a marriage, because it is the restrictions, promises and the commitment that make a marriage

August 5, 2011 at 5:32 pm
(406) Samapti says:

Relieved to find this place. I always knew that i may not be the only one. I have never had a problem expressing my need for sex . Around nine years ago my husband suffered a major health issue and is on dialysis since. I lost all my sexual drive and the will even to take care of myself and completely abstained from even self gratification since. My husband means evrything to me and i have loved him like a child since then . Suffice to say that we have had no sexual intimacy . I am 36 and out of nowhere a sudden surge of high libido hit me when i least expected it some months back. Being very articulate about my feelings , i expressed them to my husband. He explained his inefficiency to provide what i needed. i felt bad asking him . I even suggested to him the idea of me seeing someone only for my sexual needs. He felt very upset.
I have lived most of my married life in complete abstinence and i realised what it did to me. As as step towards preserving whats left of my shattered soul and making a firm vow to do justice to being alive i took the step to enter into a no strings attached relationship around 5 months ago. I have engaged in physical intimacy with this young man only once and it has changed my life. i feel more in love with my husband. i am more attentive and more responsive. i am happier than i have ever been. I love the person i have become over the yearsband i refuse to let the condition of my husband to harbour any guilt feelings. I am not recommending this to anyone but merely saying that one must do what it takes to reclaim your gift of life.It takes a lot of courage and depth of self understanding to do this. There is no question of divorce for me. and i could never let him know. But the day he does and if he does, he would understand why i took the step and be at peace with it although after much heart burn. Its important sometimes to think about yourself after you have given so much of yourself to the one you love.

August 6, 2011 at 2:06 pm
(407) kw says:

Would you tolerate your partner beating you over the head with a frying pan every day? So why would you people tolerate a sexless marriage?

Abuse is abuse. The only way to end it is to dump the abuser asap. Abuser’s can never be reformed so there is no point in giving them a second chance.

And it doesn’t matter what type of abuse. Emotional, physical or sexual abuse is all the same. Get documentation then file for at fault divorce before a Jury(demand a Jury).

August 8, 2011 at 8:14 am
(408) TEDD COOL says:

A very open post but equally shocking about couples facing problems in their sexual lives. Mainly the issue focuses on senior couples and their distress. Though I would like some curing suggestion for the same.

August 9, 2011 at 11:08 am
(409) Cathy says:

To Dave (the counselor),

No freakin way do I believe that couple’s are happy with the “no sex” arrangement. I don’t believe it…..NO WAY.

August 9, 2011 at 4:57 pm
(410) PreachingToTheChoir says:

dduggers says :
The prostitute is the only honest woman.
She delivers the service / goods, accepts payment and goes on her eway.
A married woman enters a contract, accepts all the benifits then reneges on her contract.

*****
You little misogynistic joke is unfair stereotyping. There are many posts here from women here who want intimacy and sex while their husbands/partners avoid it.

I suggest you read more of this discussion and see that it should have no place for people to place “blame” on one gender or the other.

August 10, 2011 at 10:36 pm
(411) SheaLynn says:

I have been married for 5 1/2 years. My husband cut me off 3 years ago. I have discussed this with him many times. Sex was never “normal” from the honeymoon and he has a severe addiction to porn, which I found out about not too long into our marriage. I have practically begged him, tried everything I know to do to touch me like a woman and nothing has worked. He has NO interest in me. I am not unattractive, and get attention outside of my marriage. I have recently begun a flirtatious relationship with someone and am really wanting to just have an affair. At different times I have flat out asked my husband if this is what he wants. He says no, but he still never touches me. I get a peck on the cheek sometimes and that is it. I NEVER thought that I would ever be unfaithful. That just isn’t who I am….or was, because I think that is who I am becoming now. I can’t go through a sexless life, sorry but I am not 90. I am balancing on the edge of just jumping into bed with this other man and letting him have it so to speak- I am so very close and don’t know when I may actually go beyond the point of no return. :( Not happy at all, about any of it….

August 12, 2011 at 10:26 am
(412) Marie says:

Oh my I am so sorry for all the husbands and wives who are living in sexless marriages. I am a single young woman who has excitedly been saving sex for the marriage commitment and I can’t imagine the hurt and disappointment of getting married and not having sex very much. Sexual love is key to marriage. I am going to try to find a guy who is very physically affectionate and ask him if he has a high sex drive before we marry. It is just not loving to not give sexual love to your spouse. So sad.

August 12, 2011 at 1:31 pm
(413) John says:

Funny how this simple choice fire up so many disputes :)
I’m 34 and last time I had sex was 5 years ago. I have absolutely no problem with women or erection and other things. I just wanted to be alone after my last relation. Months passed, then years and I am happy. I got my salary increased at work, I have many friends, I’m really happy. Not having sex is just what happens in my life right now and it’s not a problem. Why should it be?

Someone wrote somewhere above “if I don’t have sex for a week I’ll go insane!” – really? Honest question here. I can’t imagine going insane because of that. Maybe you don’t do much in your daily life. I come from work everyday at 8 in the evening, take a shower, eat, read something or watch a movie. In weekends I go out, socialize, dance, sing on Karaoke, get drunk sometimes. On Sunday I do my hobbies and relax. I feel great and whoa > I don’t have sex!!! So? :)

August 12, 2011 at 7:30 pm
(414) Rod B says:

I have a very strong sex drive, been maried for 10 years. the first 3 year it was great my wife wanted as much as I did, then she stopped. now we sleep in apart, me in my room and she in hers.
Well I love my wife, and a girldfriend of mine, said that I shoudl have a girldfriend that its normal for latin people.
So I have two, and she is right, I spend more time withmy wife and and we do more family stuff, my lovers only want sex and becouse I have two it works out great.

August 14, 2011 at 2:07 am
(415) stp says:

So, I’ve been turned down by my wife so many times that it just becomes harder each time to try with her. I am a huge fan of going down on her and I LOVE it and would stay there for hours, but she has some sort of wall up. We do have kids, she doesn’t look like she once did, but I really don’t care about that because I love her. I think she feels uncomfortable about how she looks and just really doesn’t feel sexy anymore. I don’t know what else I can really do. I am a hands on dad, change diapers, do dishes, dust and all that stuff. I just don’t know anymore, breaks my heart, guess that means I’m alive at least. Should I just take her aside and romantically go down on her, not giving her the choice, unless she yells at me or hits me of course!

August 14, 2011 at 3:50 am
(416) Chuck says:

It is relieving to know there are so many of us in similar situations. After reading many of these posts, it seems there aren’t many answers, so here’s one more post to keep it going. I am one of the few. We have been married over twenty years and still have fun together ( really ). We have two children both around twenty. For the past several years her libido has been decreasing. I am trying to cope with it but one can only hear no, not now, yeast, tired, etc. before it gets to be routine. I know what her response will be before i even hint at getting romantic. I have, over a period of years, waited patiently for the woman I love to initiate having sex. My patience has been exceeded and we have discussed the way I feel more than I can recall. She says she love me but just never feels like initiating sex. When I finally get the mercy sex I feel as if it is just to shut me up. She never expresses any needs, or tries anything new. She used to be a lot of fun but for years has been playing the the I am changing, I’m in menopause, I don’t think about it etc. Often I ‘ll get the later card played and i used to believe it. Not anymore. I am considering trying to find a girl friend but I am a loyal husband. I don’t think I could stand the emotional stress it would bring. I have supported her since her early twenties in every way and this is killing me. I can’t bring myself to try to seduce her any more as I can’t listen to no one more time. I have laid down the gauntlet and told her if she wants to get old and die I won’t be on the same train. I still feel I have a lot to offer and my energy is still great. If I find the answer I’ll be sure to post it. I guess for now I just have to run off another load by hand.

August 15, 2011 at 1:39 am
(417) Elle11 says:

These comments make me feel like I am not alone. Even though this echoes what so many people have written, I feel compelled to share because honestly, I am a little scared and a lot frustrated.

I am getting married in 3 months to my best friend. I know a lot of people say this, and I am sure they mean it, but my future husband and I do everything together and we never get sick of each other. He is very loving and affectionate – I am never at a loss for hugs, kisses, playful grabs – but we don’t have sex.

We are 27 and 26 respectively, and I am just shocked that our sex life could be so slow. I have addressed the issue with him – and when we got down to the root of it, he is just not sexually attracted to me. I definitely could stand to lose some weight, but seriously – I am hit on all the time and despite having gained 15 or so pounds – I would still definitely be considered attractive! He spends 5 days a week in the gym, and has an amazing figure – part of me understands that he wants someone who is equally fit…. The other part of me feels ugly, and guilty for feeling angry by it. Sometimes I think – just get in the gym and get an amazing body, but then I feel so resentful that I’m not good enough. (** I am about 5’7″ and weigh about 160 lbs)

In previous relationships I maintained a strict 125-130 lbs – but that’s all I focused on: how I looked. Now I cook all the meals, clean, maintain our social calendar, and support all his endeavors… But that’s not good enough!? I’m at a loss… He argues that he loves me so much, but I don’t come onto him enough. When I try he makes jokes or critiques my oral pleasuring. **Again, I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but I had never gotten any complaints before him, in fact I would have been proud of my “skill” in this area until him.

August 15, 2011 at 1:39 am
(418) Elle11 says:

Arguably, he was never a super sexual person: he had only 2 partners when I met him, despite being very attractive. I think he may just not be wired for it… BUT I SOOO am.

I have taken to having sexual dreams – and they have lately stopped being about him. Truth is: he’s not very good in bed… He’s not very aware of what turns a woman on I don’t think. He’s more than equipped – he just doesn’t know how to touch and he finds oral on women gross. I don’t know what to do – I feel like a pervert, but I am so into anything. Before I met him I would show up at my previous partner’s house in nothing but lingerie and my trench -

ugh – I’m rambling. I guess I’m just scared. He is better than anything I could have ever asked for except in this one regard. I can’t even think of being without him, but I don’t want to feel like I made a mistake 10 years from now, because I have gone so long without having a fulfilling and frequent sex life. And I know from the past that a fulfilling sex life will not make up for everything else that would be lacking…

I guess I better hit the gym and pray that my “weight issue” is what actually needs to be worked on…

August 15, 2011 at 9:51 am
(419) researching says:

copy and pasted from prior remark:
“I’ve been in a sexless relationship for almost a decade. it has finally broken my spirit. i feel ugly, unloved, unwelcome, inadequate, inconceivably alone, and as if the choice i am forced to make (do i sleep around and lose my marriage, or do i not sleep around and lose my sanity), is simply the worst abuse one could think up. because it locks me in an eternal battle with my conscience, who i am, and what i want from my life.
i feel dirty and selfish for wanting sex.
like i am some kind of prowling scavenger.
I am constantly in a state of humiliation because i have this basal need that is simply not on my husband’s list of things to do.”

MY exact same feelings years ago, still trying to pull out of the depression it has put me in and destroyed my health all together. Every time I try to ask him a question concerning the issue…he acts like that’s the way it is…deal with it.

August 16, 2011 at 3:30 pm
(420) hunting ff says:

I CAnt beleave my ears .im who asked about dressing up .for lesb sex role .my first wife and i were role players.and i loved it best sex iever had still .my wife now of 26 years was never into anything it seemd bad at first .10 years later no better never now.im going crazy she says maybe .ive tried movies dinner romance sexy teddies i ask no tell her shes hot nothing try and talked dirty o again she dressed in bed .im reaiiy looking reallybad iwant afreak lover all way any way for her .its sad i would feebetter if she would let me oraly satsfy her i love her but i hate her many nights

August 18, 2011 at 1:21 am
(421) Tortura says:

We all love our partners…really?, then why are we trying to constantly change this person we have chosen to marry?. I have an excuse, I am a masoquists, I’ve hurt someone that loved me and I’ve left him for this selfish bastard so I believe I am paying for that. I have 2 children 11 & 13 and I have lived in this sexless marriage (4 times a year charity-sex) for 19 years. I am a coward because I am afraid to live him, I am afraid I will not have my standards meet for a comfortable life, but I have gotten to a point in which I have to decide is either my life, my health or social correctness. This blog has opened my eyes, all I am doing is hiding behind excuses, by staying with him I am destroying my chances to ever be happy. Remember people: start for yourselves. I uses to think that I was a victim of all this but in reality I do have a choice and so do you. I will talk to him tomorrow.

August 22, 2011 at 5:49 am
(422) Midnight says:

I have read all the posts and can relate with every one here. I have however not read anything that has reference to my situation, witch it seems is totally unique.

Married for 17 years now with 2 sons, 10 and 13, love the wife to bits but she is driving me crazy and forcing me in a situation that I might regret in making a decision that will affect their(kids) lives forever.

Well here it is, it all started when my wife became a reborn Christian about 6 years ago when sex became a liability to her(it seems so). Sex, it seems is a burden on her and the frequency reduced to maybe once a month. Prior, it was at least once a week.

I am also a dedicated Christian but it seems she is taking this over the top! I researched some faith issues and could not really get answers to the lack of sexuality in her life and the constant bickering that she started to put me trough.

My reasoning is this: The sudden return to God came from some or other traumatic event six years ago, I have no problems with the conversion…it’s a good thing right?

Might it be that she had a bad situation at work or Cheated on me, thus leaving her with this feeling of guilt?

I don’t know but, in the last couple of months she had bladder and urinal infections that is supposed to be a common thing in woman. I know it is often transmitted trough sexual contact. Problem is….it was not with me! -or- is it just a co-incidence(normal). We rarely had health issues before.

I’m actually cutting this short now but something is not right here! Am I paranoid or just a bad Christian?

August 23, 2011 at 4:58 pm
(423) Imbeciles says:

It really isn’t that difficult of a decision to make. Either (1) get a divorce and find someone with a more compatible sex drive, or (2) cheat. It’s as simple as that.

If your morals won’t allow you to cheat (even if you are taking care of all your spouses needs and putting them first), then you need to get a divorce because you will never be happy. If you have no qualms about cheating as long as you put your spouse first, then find sex elsewhere.

August 24, 2011 at 8:49 pm
(424) Blindstar says:

I am amazed that there are other people who are going through what I’m going through. My bf of a year and a half and I do everything together…we spend all of our free time with each other. However, there is no hugs, kisses, caresses, intimacy and very rarely have sex….I’m tired of initiating and being rejected…either he’s too tired or “don’t touch me I have tickles”. We sleep on the same bed but we sleep on opposite sides turned away from each other. For this year we have had sex about five times.

I have never felt so ugly, undesirable, unloved and rejected. It hurts me that he doesn’t want me like the way I want him.

August 27, 2011 at 1:17 pm
(425) wil says:

I have not had sex with my wife since 2005. When we talk about it, she just says, “menopause” or “i don’t know” or “hormones”. She often says she loves me. She gives me hugs. If she has had a glass of wine or so, sometimes she gets a little frisky, but if I touch her she recoils immediately and says, “I can’t do that”. A few years ago I went to a massage place just to get a massage. I had never done this before. When the masseuse gave me the massage she began to literally seduce me sexually. She “rubbed” me everywhere, including my private areas. I was almost immediately aroused. Before it was over she had masturbated me. I was so starved for just the touch of a woman.. my wife… but no touching at all for years. I have to admit, I enjoyed the feel of soft hands over my body, and unfortunately succombed to the event. I did not have intercourse or anything like that… but I found myself going back every now and then when I would get “the urge”.

I have stopped this for the most part (maybe once in the past year) because of the associated guilt.I know these things are wrong, but I have not been “delivered” from my sexuality. I resent my wife for not having sex with me in so long. I still love her, but I cannot understand why God leaves me with this desire for sexual intimacy, but she say she has NO interest in sex whatsoever, and will probably go the rest of her life without sex. She has encouraged me to “find someone” who wants to have sex, or to get massage. She says she does not mind. I have begun to obsess on the whole thing, picturing myself without sex for the rest of my life, in opposition to the many women “out there” who seem to enjoy sex. (even the women on this thread) I honestly do not know what to do. Am I committing adultery when I go to the massage place? It is not romantic or even mutually sexual. It kind of “comes with the massage”. I need some help, advice, and prayer. Thanks.

August 27, 2011 at 8:15 pm
(426) CrazyGirl says:

I feel so sorry for the men and women on here who have described their sexless marriages. It is so unbelievable that 1) this happens so frequently and 2) you are all putting up with this.

It is a shame that the men and women on here who want sex could not just swop partners! Save so much trouble.

I also wonder about the people who have stated sex only lasts a few minutes! You too have never really had sex. If any partner of mine lasted only 2-3 minutes I would kick him out! I wonder if it an English thing. I say this as I have experienced great sex with a Greek man. We were well matched and wanted sex equally and in equal quantities.

I actually feel it is extremely cruel for either a man or wife to deny their partners sex and sexual satisfaction.

I am single and all these comments puts me off marriage. However having reached my 50′s perhaps I will not marry, but I do not think I will ever stop having the desire for sex and look forward to a very active sex life again and long into the future.

I would advise both the men and women who have to endure sexless marriages to either divorce or inform their partners that if they are not at least willing to try to rekindle this area of their marriage that you will seek out someone who will. Sex is part of the marriage contract and a contract is a contract.

Don’t give up on somthing that is so important to you, your life and your happiness. We only have one life and I would say to those who wish to remain sexless become a nun or a priest and set your partners free, for goodness sake.

I actually feel quite angry on your behalf.

August 27, 2011 at 9:24 pm
(427) loser says:

I am a classic geek in every way though physically
active and trim when married.

My wife talked about her numerous lovers while dating and even into marriage. Too much detail was given.

Me, she was my first and only sex partner.
This is the formula for disaster.
A 30+ year marriage where _every_ day I think of suicide.
I sincerely and truly believed that sex was something special between tow people – loser.
People simply screw and have a great time.
Death to me me is the end of a worthless and cold life.
I cannot think of any woman that wants me.
ZERO.
Nothing.
Loser.

August 28, 2011 at 5:55 pm
(428) MrPants says:

Our courtship lasted about 3 years. During that time we had sex almost every day. The sex was so good that I thought “Yup – That’s the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with”, and so we married.

Almost immediately after the wedding, the fire started going out. At first it was – she didn’t really like kissing, then she didn’t want sex during the day, and finally she started rejecting me at night too. Eventually I gave up trying.

I get the token offering every few months – but it’s almost insulting and definitely un-fulfilling.

I’m afraid I now suffer from depression because of this. She’s made me feel like some sort of pervert for wanting to have sex with her. But before now, I thought that sex was the highlight of marriage, a perk, a benefit, something fun to do with your spouse on a rainy afternoon.

Now here I sit, questioning everything I’ve ever known. Wondering “What’s the point?”

You know the stupid little things that people do, that would otherwise annoy you if you weren’t madly in love with that person? Little things like leaving dirty socks on the floor, not changing the toilet paper roll, putting an empty milk jug back in the fridge? Things that you would have yelled at your roommate in college for?

Truth is – I never noticed her flaws (or maybe didn’t care) back when I was a little more uh, satisfied. But now I see every bump, and notice every wart. Perhaps it’s just my coping mechanism. I’ve had to suppress my desires for so long that I’ve pretty well talked myself into believing that “I don’t really want it anymore”. But thinking about that just depresses me further.

She’s very attractive, but I’m so switched off mentally that I don’t know if the relationship can ever be the same.

I’m so sad.

August 30, 2011 at 8:32 am
(429) NotRealName says:

Dear Mr Loser:

Please, please do not even consider killing yourself. You’ve read to the bottom of this thread and can see how much bad luck and misunderstanding there are in these failed sexual relationships. Everybody has had a failed relationship! Your first one happened to be the woman you married. Consider that you’re making up for lost time–get a divorce, light a fire under yourself to get out of the house and meet someone new. Unfortunately nearly everyone has felt as lousy as you do; don’t take it as a sign that you are any less than anyone else. Get yourself out of this thread!

Best of luck to you.

August 31, 2011 at 5:10 pm
(430) moonshadegold says:

We teach people how to treat us. Let nobody forget that.

Communication is the key to relationships.

Its not okay if one partner doesn’t want sex at all when the other one wants it. That is a prelude to marital problems. If both partners are okay to not have sex but still have intimacy (which doesn’t have to involve the act of having sex) then that is perfectly okay in my eyes.

God made us with these hormones, needs and parts to have sex provided its not with just anybody or abusing that need. So to say its not important is wrong.

If you think about it from the animal standpoint. Animals have sex to procreate and the natural instinct is in all animals… and yes we are at our basic center an animal. So it is natural to want to desire to have sex.

The problem comes when one focuses too much on it, communication ceases or communication lacks with your partner or something unnatural sets the balance off like medications or a traumatic experience.

I feel like the several people who say their wife or husband won’t have sex and they are staying because everything else is good is just using that as excuse not to take action. Again I say you teach others how to treat you. If your not communicating your needs or they are not being met then something is wrong with the marriage.

I’m not talking wants. I’m talking needs. If you’ve done everything to communicate, get a councilor for yourself and go to marriage counciling but the partner refuses to change their perspective or attempt to meet your needs too then you should consider if this is the type of marriage you want to live with.

I’m not for divorce but how long do you want to live miserable?

Don’t make excuses for what is going on. Own up to it and do something about it otherwise stop complaining. If your needs are not being met and I don’t care who you are…this eventually leads to resentment which is a killer of a marriage.

September 1, 2011 at 9:04 am
(431) Heartbroken says:

My problem is a little different, and some of you will be judgemental from the start, but it still comes down to the same thing. I am a now 38 year old straight woman who fell in love with a now 62 year old gay woman. We have been together for almost 8 years and legally married for 4. I have never been a sexual person and she always was, so as a married couple, I did my part, and enjoyed it when it happened. During the last few months we have had a lot of arguments. She told me that she no longer wanted to make love because as a christian she felt guilty every time, even though we’re married. This part didn’t bother me, as we have a wonderful relationship besides the sex. What is bothering me now is that she is telling everyone that we are not a couple. This is because she figures that you are only a couple if you are sleeping together. Also she thinks that when people say “we’re in a relationship” that they have to be sleeping together. I don’t agree with either of these two comments, so you can imagine how I feel as her wife. According to the dictionary “couple” means 2 people who spend time together, etc. Unfortunately she just argues with me, and our relationship is fading fast because of her. I still love her, and still consider us a couple, and we are still married, with no plans to divorce. Am I wrong feeling so broken?

September 5, 2011 at 3:01 pm
(432) nobody says:

ok I decided I ll never have sex in my life and I ll live as a nun
I ll live as a married woman but I ll live life as single . married for the world but single to keep up with my morals!

September 5, 2011 at 8:33 pm
(433) brokenwife says:

HELP!: I’ve been married for 6 yrs and am now 25. I have sex with my husband maybe 1X every other month! I’m 25! And when we do have sex, it’s never me wanting it from him (not that I don’t want it in general) and then I have to stop mid-way and run to the bathroom and sob in the shower. Meanwhile he will finish himself or simply not initiate sex b/c he is fine masturbating. I am not attracted to him at all and this has been going on for 3 years. I can’t even kiss him. I care for him obviously, but I can’t be intimate with him and I crave intimacy with others. Also, I’ve found I fanatisize about strangers I see in public places b/c I’m so deprived. Also, I’ve found I don’t care for myslef anymore-what’s the point of working out or wearing make-up. Who am I trying to impress? We have no kids or shared assets. Is it time for a divorce?

September 5, 2011 at 9:57 pm
(434) jimmy says:

I am 34 and have never been married. My last relationship ended because I lost interest in having sex with my girlfriend. Like the many women on this sad thread, she felt terribly rejected, unloved , and unattractive. She finally left the relationship, for which I don’t blame her.
Why did I lose interest in sex with her? The honest truth is that I could not tolerate the thought that she would be the last and only woman I would ever again make love to before I die. I am a very sexual person, and I find it impossible to channel my sexual desires onto one and only one person. Rather than experiencing the slowly deteriorating quality of sex with one person over the years – the ‘initiating’, the routine, the ‘working’ on an increasingly uninspiring sex life – I would rather not have it at all. So in my loss of interest in sex with her, I admit there was an immense amount of passive aggression. I secretly blamed her for wanting to monopolize my sexual desires. It was as though she forbade me to exercise and explore something that I experience as a great gift. (An analogy comes to mind: Suppose you love to play the violin, and your partner would only tolerate that you play it with her accompaniment; you are not allowed to make music with other people, and you play the violin by yourself only secretly when she is away and with strong feelings of guilt. That would be cruel, no?)
I suspect that many men feel that way, and that it may be the single most important reason why husbands refuse sex to their wives. It may be a cliche, but we are not wired to be sexually monogamous. Men crave and desire women, we long for conquest and intimacy. I am sure women do, too – but maybe they have learnt to repudiate their own desires to a much greater degree than men. But marriages and monogamous relationships don’t allow us to express some of our innermost desires.

September 5, 2011 at 10:21 pm
(435) PreachingToTheChoir says:

@Elle!

Wake UP!

Did you even read this page?

First of all, a man should love you no matter what. You should not be made to feel that you have to maintain a certain weight, especially not within a margin of a few pounds.

Secondly, you are already making all the classic mistakes that we women make:

1. You’re ignoring the warning bell that’s going off in your head telling you something is just not right between you. His demands about your weight. His lack of interest in sex and intimacy. The fact that he’s your “best friend” but not your passionate lover -

That’s what you should have going into a marriage. What you’re describing, is at best a roommate in the making scenario with benefits and a marriage license.

2. You think he’s going to change or that marriage will change him.

We usually think this about girls going after the “bad boy” and trying to make him into the “good guy” but there’s more than one type of man and we all think we can change them and we can’t.

You think that marriage is going to magically make him want to be sexual and intimate with you? It’s not. And YOU KNOW THIS.

You’re ignoring it because you want to be married to this guy, who’s probably, overall a nice guy. And you’re good friends and you have a lot in common and maybe you won’t meet anyone else and maybe this is the best you can expect.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is not the guy you should be marrying. I certainly don’t think so. And if you thought you should, you wouldn’t be posting here.

Don’t do it. Don’t marry him. If you do, you’ll regret it.

September 7, 2011 at 4:59 pm
(436) itsbeentoolongforme says:

WTF?

I really did think I was the only one that has this problem. My husband of 27 years had a very “light” need for sex when we were dating and the first year of our marriage. I nearly had an affair then because I needed to have sex!

Fast forward 25 years, and now it is down to every couple of years, maybe, of sexual contact. I just don’t get it. I know I am attractive. I am fit, in shape (he isn’t) and keep myself wanting to have fun. He barely is showing up. I get a kiss at night. He leaves before I get up.

I know he keeps himself satisfied by masterbation because his little blue pills are being consumed and he has a million Porn shots on his Iphone.

My therapist has a hard time believing that this a real problem, that it is as common as it is. I mean, who can you tell?

I tried to commit suicide this year, failed, and part of it was I felt so helpless about my marriage. He still doesn’t think part of the attempt was about him.

I just don’t want to throw away a good friendship without benefits.

September 7, 2011 at 5:02 pm
(437) Brad says:

I’m 49, and I’ve always had psychological problems to the point of disability, due to abuse by people in society from childhood onward.

I’ve found that social pressures to have sex make it much worse. It’s a part of our competitive society where a person is measured by things over which they often have little or no control, and so the less fortunate are driven into isolation, shame and misery, while social status only adds insult to injury and blames the victim.

September 9, 2011 at 1:28 am
(438) Jorges says:

For all you people that have said “Sex isn’t necessary”.
What are you on?
Can I buy what you’re taking?
Or, are you “higher life forms” pretending to be “above it all”?
Get real.
Get laid.

September 9, 2011 at 8:54 pm
(439) Dan says:

In the world we live in today sex and love are really two different things.Most will not agree but that is the way it is.

September 10, 2011 at 10:09 pm
(440) Viola says:

I have read through the entire thread and have found that many women are the ones that are wanting sex, while their husbands don’t. Well, I am different. i don’t desire sex. I wish I knew why.

I went to therapy for many, many years and the most I can say is that I have a huge fear of intimacy. Although…here’s the weird part, I do fall in love and really feel close to a person, I just don’t want sex to be part of that.

Also, I don’t see the connection between sex and love. To be honest, I will want sex a lot in the first three months of a relationship but after that, I have no interest. I have no idea why the interest wanes. I don’t like initiating sex, never have. I feel uncomfortable doing that. I wish, I just wish I could desire sex the way the women on this forum have stated. But it just isn’t there.

I now have decided not to have any long-term relationships because I know it will end up ending because of the lack of sex. This was a very, very hard decision to make but what else can I do? I hated being badgered for sex, it made me feel so angry and bitter. I usually am thinking, ‘why can’t they just leave me alone’? Honestly, I don’t know what the big deal about sex is, I don’t feel that way and don’t understand why sex is so important to some people. I would rather read a good book than have sex. That is the truth of it.

As for those of you who are in marriages without sex and would like to have it, LEAVE. From someone who doesn’t like sex I can 100% tell you, it is not going to change. Leave that marriage, right away, with no delays!

I feel sad that I can’t enter into a normal relationship but I just can’t do it. I have always thought that something was wrong with me, that I was sick in some way. It really hurts… Sorry, I know I am all over the place with this post but I just wanted to let people know about the other side.

September 14, 2011 at 7:31 am
(441) jay says:

why is it always difficult to initiate sex by the girl?
For me..it is always like that. my wife never initiated the same. we were married for almost 1 year. we are intimate to each other…a lot of kisses hugs, taking shower together…each day..but we still hvn’t done the intercourse bit as she is afraid of pain and she has huge mood swings from time to time and it is difficult to respond during those times. earlier she used to work and have 6+ yrs of work experience. now here after marriage she is not able to get a good job in this new town. though i told her to atleast start something but she has ego problems as well. earlier she used to get good amount of paycheck. but in this town jobs are NOT from her field as well as they are low paying. so she is managing the household but from time to time she started nagging for not getting a good job. I am not able to leave my current job as it is very good paying and also i have joined this organization just 8 months back and this is my 6th job in my 4 years of career.
In the night, never ever she initiated intimacy…it is always me started to kiss her..to cuddle her but after some time whenever tried to enter her…she started to feel pain and push me back. she never co operates me in this. she is not very sexual as well. even many a time she is never in the mood as well. most of the time she feels tired and sleepy. this left me with self satisfaction only. I told her to read good books, to start with a hobby, to mingle with neighborhood household..but nope.
it is getting worse day by day. on her birthday, i brought her some good set of lingerie…but she throws them away and told me that she didn’t like the material of the lingerie and she was not comfortable in it. She never tried to experiment new things…

September 14, 2011 at 12:04 pm
(442) CB says:

Oh my I am so emotionally drained. I just found this and have been crying my eyes out for the past half hour yes I am in bed by myself while my husband of only 2 years is yet again asleep on the couch. This has been going on since we married. I am so hating both myself and him to the point that I am ready to just turf him out. I I’ll write more when I have the energy. Just great to read that I am not the only one in this position.

September 14, 2011 at 12:41 pm
(443) lory says:

I’ve been in a relationship for about 11 years and the sex has never been great, but what did I know until I met my now partner all the men I enjoyed having sex with had been emotionally brutal to me, to the point I thought I loved the sex only because they were that way, so when I met my loving, attentive, considerate boyfriend I honestly thought that my ‘condition’ stopped me from liking him that way and with time it would grow…but it never did on my part and it grew less and less on his….

September 16, 2011 at 4:41 pm
(444) Lee says:

My partner and I have been a couple for around 10 years and living together for the last 4.
I am 49 and she is 10 years my junior. My partner is very sexually attractive, but our sex
life is almost non-existent as I seem to have lost any urge to even want sex.

Her parents are religious people who go to church and raised my partner in a very straight
laced fashion. I on the other hand am an Atheist and feel that conventional sex is beyond
boring and would love her to be more daring and adventurous to spice our relationship up.

I have suggested we try having sex outdoors, somewhere like a quiet country lane at
2am when nobody is around, as the excitement of being naked in a country lane might
help perk-up our sexless life. She will only consider sex inside the house, preferably in bed.

I find sex exhausting and would only want it a couple of times a month, as I simply couldn’t
handle it any more frequent than that anyhow.

We would have gone our separate ways, but I lost my career last year and have no income.
I think we will split-up once I am re-employed as she is grouchy and would like a child.
That’s not likely to happen as I cannot even climax inside her as having sex in bed does
little for me and I need much more stimulation than that.

I personally blame the media: Newspapers and magazines for brainwashing people into
thinking that if you are not having sex 3 times a week, that you are abnormal.

Single life can sometimes seem so attractive and I would take a good restful sleep over a
night of passion any day.

That said, I do feel like I am letting my partner down, but I find it very hard to address.
I have pledged that if we split, I will remain alone, as sex causes way too many problems.

We live busy lives today working long hours with much stress.
Many people often work 6 or even 7 days a week just to survive.
Modern life will reduce populations across the planet as more choose to live alone.

September 17, 2011 at 8:52 am
(445) Suicidalwife says:

Im 22 my husband is 20 i was a virgin when we got married 1 month ago. And during the whole time of our pending marriage we have only madelove 5 or 6 times. I feel ugly unwanted un attractive like his little pet. I have tried and tried talking to him about it but it just dont seem to get through to him or something. He wasnt a virgin before when got married and he also works thirds so he is tired all the time. But i feel like if he really wanted to madelove to me he would make time. This and everything else going on in my life has put me in a deep depression and from the looks of it. Im gonna be here a while. I just want to kill my slelf. I feel like i have no reason to live. Especially if i feel like my husband dosent want me. I dont know what to do. And frankley tired of try to do. I want him to take over and show some interest. Someone please help me.

September 18, 2011 at 8:08 am
(446) Frank H says:

I am in my mid 60′s and have been married for 39 years. My sex life ended 20 years ago. For the first 19 years, everything was great. We had a very satisfying sexual relationship, and had 3 children, all now adults. Then I was retrenched at work and our relationship changed. I thought I was being punished for losing my job, but things did not recover when I started working again. We lived together but in separate rooms.
When necessary, to keep up appearances, we would share a bed, eg when holidaying with relatives, but there may as well have been a piece of 4 x 2 down the middle of the bed.
After about 15 years, I was talking with my sister who had been widowed some years earlier, and asked her how she dealt with being deprived of the physical side of her life. She said she missed it occasionally, but had chosen to accept it as she did not want to start another relationship and have to account to some-one as she was enjoying her freedom. She said however that if an opportunity presented itself where there were no strings attached, she would consider it. This got me to thinking that ther must be hundreds of widows or devorcees in a similar situation.
After both my wife and I retired, we took an interstate holiday to attand a family anniversary, and we stayed in a holiday unit. I thought the relaxed and convivial atmosphere may have mellowed her attitude, and hinted that we might take the opportunity to renew our relationship. She threw $100 on the bed and said, “If you can’t live without it, go and see a prostitute.” I didn’t, of course. After returning home, I asked her if she meant what she had said on the holiday. She replied, “As long as I don’t know about it, I don’t care what you do.” I clearly have been given a hall pass. I have been thinking again about the widows and divorcees who might be looking for some intimate pleasures, and how one might meet them. In the mean time, I will have to, as they say, keep it in my pants.

September 18, 2011 at 9:23 am
(447) LosingHope says:

I am amazed by the no. of yrs this post goes back by.
I really thought I was all alone & had something seriously with me till I read this thread, but now have found comfort in an ironic kind of way.

My wife & I have been married 3 yrs.
When we dated we agreed as Christians to do our best to wait till marriage so we engaged in very little sex.
We promised each other once we married sex would be part of the core of our relationship, boy was I lied to.
I had to beg for intimacy on our wedding night & even more so on our honeymoon & anniversaries.
She almost never initiates & only does so to please me due to requests I have made.

When we do miraculously have sex it is allowed in only one room (u can guess which) & only at night.
I have almost stopped initiating simply because when we make love (if I can even call it that) she just lies there motionless.
I have requested a thous& times that we communicate our likes, fears, desires etc. & she says all is well & yet nothing changes.

Outside the bedroom we get along well, it’s like she likes me as a friend & not as a lover & enjoying the financial benefits.
We have tried counselling which I initiated & that failed as she denied having problems in this area.
I am tired of feeling like a pervert & unholy for wanting to have regular sex with my wife.
Due to the constant rejection I think to survive I am reprogramed myself to see her as a sister & that has sadly drawn my attention to other women, & this has led to me being distant from God which immensely saddens me.
Is it just me or do other Christians generally have boring sex?

I have told her if we cannot resolve this in the next 6 months I will no longer wish to remain in this marriage & therefore will request for a divorce (wonder if I really have the courage or bluffing).
Or maybe my question is, can one supress his sexual needs for a lifetime for the sake of keeping his kids in a family unit?
In hindsight I would have not married this woman.

September 18, 2011 at 9:56 am
(448) Dima says:

well, when i read some of these comments i really got relieved for a while that there are others supporting me in this…..i guess my story wont be different that yours all, am pretty lady and funny and social and sure amnt perfect and am married for 8 years now to a sweet guy, polite and funny and social too but he doesnt care about sex at all, it doesnt matter with him, in our first marriage i used to it and i started asking for sex in a sexy way with him but after 2 years i got bored and i felt that i have lost trust in myself “sure something wrong with me” coz he never asked for it and day by day and year by year we got a very huge gap between us and i have a son now and every time i used to talk with my husband about it, he always says ” it isnt a big issue just when u feel u want come and tell me” whatttttt!!!!! not a big issue, if it isnt a big issue then how we have reached what we are in now….i used to sleep on another room for 2 years now and i am always depressed and sad even if when i go out or something with friends to have fun, i never felt fun, something deep inside me is broken…i have asked for divorce but my parents arent supporting me in this only my friends, my parents used to say always he is good guy and u have try and try!!!!!! TRY i already wasted 8 years from my life, am 33 now….2 days ago i have asked for divorce but he kept begging me to give him a chance and he will change (same scenario happened last year) but no one will change and i dont know what to do..yes he is good guy and yes i might not find someone like him again but where is the intimacy where is the emotions where is the passion…yes he loves me in his way…but is that enough to stay??? i really dont know, please if anyone here know how to help me just say what to do……..

September 18, 2011 at 10:23 pm
(449) Ben says:

Wow, I feel really sad for a lot the marriages here, I have been married for 3 years, (a lot less than most here i know). But if my wife did not have sex with me for 12 years I would be letting her know about it. What a joke its like those purity rings the Jonas brothers peddle.

I have a suggestion for all of the people have not had sex on this site in the last month with their spouse. It actually came from a catholic priest, but don’t let that turn you off. If you can go 12 years without touching your partner to save your marriage you can do this too. Have sex with your partner once a day for 1 month, (obviously start this after the particular day of the month.).

Sex or no sex can be a habit, I know people will argue this point, but really what have you to loose. You are married, god condones it (for the religious), you can’t loose your virginity (i hope not anyway), and if it doesn’t work then you can go back to not having it any more.

September 19, 2011 at 1:04 am
(450) cybil says:

I used to like sex. My 1st marriage lasted 8 years and the sex was great right to the end. If only everything else had been 1/2 as good. 15 years later I got married again to a tolerable man but the sex was always lousy. So lousy that the very idea of ever having sex again is a repulsive one to me now. He had to have his prostate removed so now I don’t need to worry about having sex with him again. It’s a relief but a bittersweet one. I really would of liked to find someone who I could respect and get along with and have good sex with. Why o why can’t we have our cake and eat it too?

September 19, 2011 at 2:32 am
(451) Dima says:

Am Dima (comment 446) Does divorce is the solution?i have a kid and i just want for him a stable life and a family unit….but am i gonna be happy? shall i seek divorce?

September 20, 2011 at 9:48 am
(452) 0 says:

wow i can’t believe i found you guys, I thought i am all alone, i was depressed, scared, and not interested in life anymore.

I married my boss who is 11 years older than me, was looking to have lots and lots of sex, having this high drive but being religious, we have to get married to have sex.

And here is my big surprise my husband is depressed and we cannot have sex, i released that after trying for years, i was going crazy asking and getting rejected, i too felt neglected and lost confidence, i even got depressed ..

Used to love kids and wished to have them, now i just hate the idea because it hurts when i even think about it

How many years now? 11 years hoping he will get better one day and we will try but funny enough now i lost interest but not in sex in him

being religious as well i am lost, do i leave but he is a good man with no issues no fights nothing nasty just NO SEX, will i ever find someone to love me, am I even good enough to anyone, I am 35 and in shape and used to attract alot of people but being in this relationship for that long i fell trapped but i still care about him, he is part of me..

I dont know if i make sense, i just feel i am dying slowly but cant help myself by leaving him as i dont wana hurt him or break his heart

i cant help but crying everytime i remember how we living this way…

September 21, 2011 at 8:36 pm
(453) anonymous says:

ok people sex is amazing….hubby and I have lots and after going through a period of two years with little or just half hearted sex I got smart. I used to get irate when he looked at porn. I would be like hey there is no passion ect ect. you have a c*&* why dont you use it. Tell me what I am not doing and I will let you know. So i got opened minded and was like hey lets watch porn together let me see what turns you on. He then asked me to dance for him and wear exoctic clothing so i dress up and we go all night sometimes viagra is great as well. we shared fantasies i stopped pushing him away. he complained that I was too reserved so little by little the shell came off the passion was there. we naughty talk. we talk about adding to our sex life and traveling. we have kids and yes we keep our sex life away from them but we are affectionate in front of them. my hubby taught me to love my little body all parts of it if you know what I mean. if your spouse no longer wants sex and you are a healthy human being let them no that although you may stay married you would like an open marriage. using sex for power..wrong. get a toy or something but a relationship without sex well maybe you were not doing it right in the first place. I am still learning….porn gives me ways to please my husband that I never new exsisted. I love my hubby and I lust after him. another factor we stay fit. he admitted to me that If I do gain weight that it will hinder him and I feel the same. I dont mean a few pounds I mean substantial. make love do not be ashamed be safe and before you go out of your marrage for sex and love let your spouse know what is important to you and that sex is very important to the marriage. I am not ashamed to like viewing porn and that i love my body like I grew up to think!

September 22, 2011 at 10:23 pm
(454) Beenthere says:

My agony, in bullet-points:

- 18 years married, nearly all without sex, and when we had it, my recollection is that it was quick and awful.

- Had a passionate boyfriend beforehand (6 years), without whom I would not understand what the fuss is about.

- Passionate boyfriend was not an intellectual soul mate or true friend: husband was, and at the time this was clearly more important than any other consideration. Sexual inadequacy of overweight boyfriend was almost unseen by me: in my peripheral view, not seriously thought about.

- After a few years, lack of sex came right in front of my eyes and became an upsetting problem. Husband kept saying ‘no’. When you ask for something and don’t get it, after a while you stop asking.

September 22, 2011 at 10:35 pm
(455) Beenthere says:

Owing to ludicrous text-count restrictions, I’ll leave out the other bullet points: you’ll just have to take my word for it that I know a *lot* about this subject. From long experience.

So let’s cut to my observations.

1. There is nothing like the pain of being deprived of sexual intimacy, especially with the one you love. I have gone through all kinds of scares, attacks, natural disasters, and deep career frustration, but I have never suffered anything that hurt as badly as this.

2. You *can* get over the pain — if you want to, if your marriage is wonderful otherwise, if you get the love you need otherwise, and if you are willing to cloister your heart and make the transition to chastity. I am not a Christian or a Buddhist and do not believe in a god. I did it as a matter of will, and I turned myself happily to my other interests in life, which are joyful and many. I very rarely felt the urge for self-stimulation — maybe a few times a year, no more. The only tiny blister in this nirvana were the dreams I had, over the years, about my old boyfriend, who always appeared as a near but unenjoyable God of Sex.

3. The commenter that said ‘it is not easy to be a human being’ is absolutely right.

4. The commenter that said we should just get divorced or cheat is misguided. People living without sex in loving partnerships do not want to dilute their loyalty and their bond by being intimate with someone outside the marriage. A divorce is a trauma in itself, asking one to give up all the good one has with the key other person in one’s life for the sake of striving for — and perhaps not ever getting — one missing piece, one aspect of life. Spouses feel moral responsibility for themselves and for their partners; they feel loyalty; they feel gratitude; they feel love (and if they don’t, I think they *should* leave); and they have a shared history and family and home and perhaps children, and economic security as well.

September 22, 2011 at 10:37 pm
(456) Beenthere says:

5. As the earlier commenter said (the one I’ve already praised, I don’t recall his/her screen name), when you are breaking up a marriage for the sake of sexual fulfillment (or the hope thereof), the question of legitimacy, of justification, comes up very strongly. When you are with someone that wants sex as you do, and has the capacity for sex as you do, then the two of you just do it and enjoy it (I know: I did it about a thousand years ago myself). There is no need, in that sort of relationship, for justification. But when you have a high and profound bond with someone, absent the sexual touch and the sexual desire for that person, then you feel that perhaps sex is a low shabby thing that cannot anyway trump the high things you already have. Sexual desire *needs* love of a specific other to be experienced as Juliet experienced it — wanting to change forever her as yet ‘unmanned blood’ — and it is about the giving of oneself as much as it is about the getting. But what if that other person is not there to elevate and ennoble and ally with your highest self that which feels on its own like something base, something low, something not worth sacrificing for? People that commit adultery before divorcing are often vilified but I don’t know why: they are often simply responding to the fact that what once felt like base desire has now, in this new person they’ve found, been ennobled.

September 22, 2011 at 10:39 pm
(457) Beenthere says:

[Sorry, having to do this in dribs and drabs because that's all the posting system will allow. But it's important enough to do this work-around, I feel.]

6. A lot of us don’t leave because we know full well (not being born yesterday) that eligible bachelors or women are not thick on the ground, especially as one leaves the college years. People get coupled up. Nature is not as kind to women as it is to men: while women of my age (early 40s) might want someone their own age or a bit younger, men our own age are probably eyeing women in their 20s, and meanwhile we are seen as fit consorts for men 10, 15, 20, or 25 years older (yes!). Which might mean early widowhood and also, sexual problems — the last thing we want to confront — as the man finds that his testosterone dwindles and his plumbing doesn’t want to cooperate.

September 22, 2011 at 10:40 pm
(458) Beenthere says:

7. I have never wanted to talk about this with other people — even though, reluctantly, once upon a time I did. It didn’t much help. They don’t understand: they think your husband might be gay (he isn’t) or asexual (not exactly) or up to no good on his own time (nope: just not that desirous, and unable to act on whatever desire he *might* feel). I have found it just as hard to discuss with my husband — he seems as baffled by his inhibitions as I am. In any case, it would do no good, since for me he’s as sexy as my brother. I wonder how I can ever have fancied him even as much as I must have done. Not because he isn’t handsome, loving, affectionate, wise, and good. But just because he somehow can’t be sexual with me.

My father-in-law said that marriage is a ‘crapshoot’. He was right. Perhaps in some odd way it’s a comfort. But I’ll tell you this, boys and girls: it may not be your other half’s fault, but it isn’t your fault, either.

September 22, 2011 at 10:54 pm
(459) Beenthere says:

My story, continued (a bit chopped up: see above)

- Fell in love, the full monty — mind, body, soul — for the first time with married man via the Internet. Never met him. Somewhat well-known so saw him in videos, etc. (This was before all the video-conferencing things you can do now.) Took me five full years to get over it.

- Had semi-serious flirtations with a couple of men at low moments, which never amounted to anything. Went to bed with one man who was impotent: technically no adultery. He didn’t love me: just as well. Couldn’t believe it when he left by the back door and said ‘how could you do this to me?’, and husband came in by the front door and by god asked me the same damn question. Nobody thought to ask, of course, how they could do this to ME!

- After these grotesque disappointments, realized that I either had to leave the marriage or embrace it fully: living in perpetual crisis would be fair to neither one of us, and was not sustainable. Did not fancy my husband even though by now he had become slim — I could not view him as an object of desire, and he did not (evidently) desire me. (No sex at all for many years by this time.) Mother suggested leaving: I broke out in hives, first & only time in my life. Decided that I was prepared to embrace the celibate life — or as I preferred to think of it, chastity (sounds more virtuous and less like a punishment).

September 22, 2011 at 10:56 pm
(460) Beenthere says:

Well, you might as well have the rest of my chronology:

- First year was transitional, but embraced chastity completely, without any thought of men or desire for sexual fulfillment, for a full five years.

- Then, one year, went off the rails. Attracted to one man I knew. Broke off all contact. But then: sent birthday greetings to man I thought I had left behind. (The one I’d fallen so badly in love with.) Fell in love with him again (he revealed certain things about how he had really felt all those years ago.)

- Over a year later, I am still without the married man (no communication now), but have wrestled agonizingly with the question of whether for once to finally leave.

That’s my story, short as I can make it.

September 23, 2011 at 12:47 am
(461) Ben says:

Looks like there are a lot of people getting married so that there will be someone to bolster what little self confidence they have. All it takes is a lack of sex and you immediately lose self esteem, objectivity, and reason. You people sound pretty petty.

If a lack of sex is the only thing it takes for you to loathe and despise yourself, then the problem isn’t your spouse. It’s you.

Grow a pair and get some discipline.

September 23, 2011 at 7:37 pm
(462) Beenthere says:

Ben, did you actually *read* the comments? That’s not the message or the lesson that I got from what they’ve said at all. Speaking for myself, I certainly did not marry to ‘boost my self-confidence’, nor did I completely fall apart when confronted with my feelings of privation. Nor did most of the people commenting here. Obviously, you have not ‘been there’, much less bought the t- shirt.

You come across as dismissive and contemptuous, and there’s absolutely no call for it. People form relationships and marry because giving and receiving love, and the world that such love creates (a home life, a family life, an ongoing conversation about life) completes them. No man is an island. Perhaps you are?

September 24, 2011 at 3:19 am
(463) Much Happier Now says:

Having gone 10 year with no sexual relationship with my wife, my story will provide some perspective. The lack of sex coincides with the birth of my children. Initially I initimated I wanted sex, but nothing happened and I gave up. Not the best approach, but it was clear my wife was not interested in sex. Like many, we had a good relationship, but the lack of intimancy wore on me. Nonetheless, I endured for the sake of my children. Problem is, you don’t realize the impact this has on you. I traveled a lot and have a very successful career, but never once cheated. Satisfied myself when I traveled and just assumed the situation was my bad luck in life. Worse yet, I love giving pleasure to a woman and so I was deprived of my own pleasure and making my wife orgasim. Well, as you can predict, after 10 years, I met someone else and for reasons I cannot explain, allowed myself to become interested in someone else. After a couple months, we had sex and I immediately realized that the lack of affection and intimacy in my relationship created a huge void in my life. I am now separated and will be divorced.

September 24, 2011 at 10:10 am
(464) pink pleasure says:

Out of all the years that I have been online, I was so suprised to see an actual”venting” of persons in sexless marriages. I and my husband are christians and church leaders and have been married almost 30 years. We too have a sexless marriage. I do think we are the grandparents of this problem. Strange issue, when we do have sex, I go absolutely wild (as a older women). I am one woman who DOES love sex. But even more than sex, I love the actual lvemaking much more. I love the oral and the leading up to much more.

I am embarrassed to say, both my husband and I are who ppl call “attractive” whatever that means. I used to be a model and my husband used to be an athlete and yes he did maintain that 170 lb physique, (hello? so did I). It is very difficult for me in that I get aLOT of proposals, (I’m sure he does as well). But, a few times I gave in, but stepped back. The few times I did give in, boy, was it like wild-hot-crazy!

I do not want a divorce, nor does he…it’s just crazy that so many ppl have this issue. The thing that keeps me sane, (so I can get a release) is to (well, self-sex) can’t even say it…sorry, still old-fashioned.

I hope ppl here can find safe, easy alternatives. God made your body to release, so even if you have to stand in your shower…it is ok. That way you don’t lose it…Good luck and God bless you all in your endeavors… Great thread started here.

September 24, 2011 at 9:03 pm
(465) Beenthere says:

This is such a long thread with so many interesting (and deeply sad) comments that it’s taking me quite a while to read it.

I have a couple of further observations, if anyone’s interested. First, I completely understand why some people are urging the unhappy to leave their marriages. In some cases, reading the potted life stories we’ve been given, I agree that leaving seems by far the best option (indeed, the only option if the sufferer is ever to be happy). On the other hand, I myself have been tempted to leave on several occasions and I have never done so, and I believe I made the right choice. It was nothing less than agonizing on each occasion, but when there is no easy way out, you still have to decide what is best, all things considered.

It comes down to this: if you cannot have your desire fulfilled, can you reduce or eliminate your desire (so that you are much like the woman above who says that she would rather read a book?)? I began adulthood with what I would call a strong sex drive — certainly my boyfriend’s was strong, and we were compatible in that way. Yet I learned not only to tolerate but actually to embrace and enjoy chastity. I believe I am now returning to that state, after considerable upset, now that calmness has returned. It IS possible. I am living proof.

September 24, 2011 at 9:09 pm
(466) Beenthere says:

The other point I’d like to make, having read the comments, is that a great deal is made about initiating sex, as if ‘initiating’ involved a big song-and-dance and the risk of looking foolish or what-have-you. I don’t see it. I used to ‘initiate’ all the time (with my boyfriend, who did not become my husband): I would just reach my hand out to him or say something like ‘do you really want to be reading that silly old book right now?’ and he didn’t need a gilt-edged invitation. He knew what I meant and he responded in kind. Perhaps the problem for those that don’t like initiating is that the other person doesn’t take the hint.

I suppose that ‘initiating’ could involving greeting your hubby at the door after work with no clothes on, or something like that, but by golly it doesn’t have to. And anyway, in an intimate relationship, when someone desires you, there is no risk in it. My boyfriend never said ‘no’ and I never did, either, actually.

September 24, 2011 at 9:12 pm
(467) Beenthere says:

Typo. One of my posts above should have only the second question mark, not the first.

September 25, 2011 at 1:39 am
(468) anonymous says:

Me and my husband have been married for 1.5 years now and I can’t remember the last time he tried to seduce me or make passionate love to me. I am the one always initiating it or wanting it. on weekdays, he says he is tired from work and wants to just relax, watch tv or play ps3 and same goes for the weekend. Sometimes, he just says no! I can’t talk about this to anyone, absolutely anyone. I tried talking to him and he back fires me saying he hasn’t got a great body. Trust me, he is good looking. Hardly once a week he will come to bed with me at nights when I ask him for hours. That does not mean he will do anything to me. Most of the nights he prefer to stay late and watch tv :(

September 25, 2011 at 8:46 pm
(469) lester says:

the dog will lick your face to show his love and you stroke and care for after he does a trick you give him a reward opsite with a woman first you give her lots of treats and then watch her try to replace the dog in your life most women or men only want company they can contol just as they contorl god in there lives keep what they trow out or ignore what they dont understandl

September 26, 2011 at 10:40 am
(470) Ivor says:

Our genetic makeup is to reproduce. In us is the natural chemistry , physicality and mental programming to make this happen. Whilst we might have made sex into a sophisticated entertainment arena and a continuing expression of intimacy, none of this natural stuff ever goes away in a healthy individual.

Illness , depression, mental cruelty, lack of esteem ect are all issues that need attention and may be a reason for a sexless relationship. However understanding that does not get rid of your natural sex drive and for a male or female to deny it, is simply a case of trying to be `not human ‘. No one has the right to control anothers needs.

After nearly 25 years together and 20 of those building a home and raising three children, I am still fit , young and proud enough to still call myself a human being, and as ever possessing the same qualities for wanting the intimacy of a women and fulfilling my / our genetic promise.

Like I have always said, I didn’t enter into a relationship to choose wallpaper.

I have worked hard to keep this all on track after a lifetime of commitment, but my trains been parked in the station too long and it’s time to release the steam and go find a few new tunnels.

September 28, 2011 at 9:57 am
(471) DoneThat says:

I skimmed thru so many of your comments hoping to get someone who said we got his hormone levels tested or we went to therapy and everything’s better now. I really want us to work through this. Because I do think he’s unhappy. Married for 6 years, we had a great sex life at first I thought But about a year into the relationshi it changed. I agree with everything other women have said. you feel dirty, ashamed, unloved, ungrateful, unattractive, etc. He’s the victim and you’re making a big deal out of it. and really everything else is great so can’t we just get over this. He told me he’s always been this way: attracted to women, no problem with erection, but doesn’t have the umph to really go for sex. Said it seems like so much work. He could take it or leave it. I’m a very sexual person BEENTHERE we may have the sex ex!!!! He said that attracted him to me. He thinks we can fix this and just “have sex more” I’m desperate that we get homones checked and go to therapy. Over the past few years the lack of sex has led me to do things: flirtations, drunken kisses, etc. Afterwards I hate myself. I feel even worse and then one day I realised I can’t do this. I’m too young (early 30s) to live my life like a nun. It doesn’t matter how much we care about each other or how good we get along. I want a sexual partner not a roommate. I will update to let you know if any of our attempts to solve this work. It’s more common than society would lead you to believe.

September 29, 2011 at 3:30 am
(472) Dima says:

To the comment 469 (Done That) i totally agree with you in everything you said….it doesnt matter how great person he is as long as there is lack of intimacy…..deep inside am sure we will be great if we were friends but as husband and wife i dunna know, and he keep saying give me another chance although the past 7 years were full of chances so i dunna know, deep inside amnt sure i can give him a chance, everytime i look at him i remember how he hurted me by not approaching to me sexually although am pretty and fashionate…..i even lost trust in myself…..i really dunna know how it will be solved….

September 29, 2011 at 1:35 pm
(473) Beenthere says:

To DoneThat:

I understand your frustration. I was in my early 30s feeling I didn’t want to be a nun — and I’d gone without romance for a lot longer than you. I’m now in my early 40s, and I had the same thoughts again — but I’m over them now. However, I understand that I’m unusual and anyway, if other things had been different, I might have made a different choice.

The key thing, from what you’ve told us, is that you ‘had a great sex life at first’. That’s SO important. The reason is that you can’t rekindle what you never had — which is why in my case I knew that it was a choice between married nunnery or leaving, and nothing in between. I don’t remember much about our early relations, except I can tell you they weren’t worth remembering! At the time, it’s almost as if I had a mental block or something that prevented me from really registering this as a problem or potential problem. (I wasn’t bothered by no sex on the honeymoon, for instance.) I was so caught up in the other parts of our relationship, especially the intellectual connection and the warm closeness of true friendship, that the sex bit was very, very low on my list of priorities. In my previous relationship, sex had been central, but my boyfriend was not my equal in other ways. So I see how this came about. Overall, I still place a higher value on what I have than on what I don’t have, even though I’ve had to pay a steep price to hold onto it. I feel in part that if I have lived without a sex life for this long, I can live without it.

Good luck to you. If your husband can get his passion back, that would be wonderful. But it has to come, ultimately, from his heart and spirit rather than from pills or some other thing more external.

September 29, 2011 at 6:04 pm
(474) d light says:

I have been married for 11 years with two children very happily but sex with my wife has been hard work due to my wifes low sex drive and I have a high sex drive but i have balanced it out by having girlfriends on the side one night stands and no strings fun but I will always return to my wife because I love her we are just not compatable in the bedroom but everything else is perfect.

September 30, 2011 at 4:05 pm
(475) Steve says:

Help!!! i need advice – i am so unhappy. I’m a man in my fifties. My wife and i have been married for 35 years. Our sex life has never been earth moving – although when it did happen i so very much enjoyed it – i just wished my wife had taken part instead of just laying there. The big problem is intimacy – there isn’t any. In 35 years of marriage she has kissed me only once. It was always a case of her offering her face to me to kiss. Seven years ago, after being the one that initiated sex all the time i threw in the towel. I felt terrible for having to ask or initiate in bed – i felt i was raping her. Because i stopped making the first move, we haven’t made love since – and it’s never spoken about. Im always reaching for her hand still when we are together and try to keep the flickering flame from burning out but i know i’ve failed – but i never get any affection shown back to me. I’m hurting inside and go to bed waiting for God – i cry alot when i’m alone. I would so dearly love to have sex again – but that is only part of it. It’s plainly obvious that my wife no longer loves me and it’s broken my heart. I want to be respectful of the women who have written here to say they no longer want it – and thats that – but, when i married, i thought that sex was part of it.What i would give for my wife’s arms around me…….because SHE WANTED TO!!! I wonder if i would find happiness on my own???

September 30, 2011 at 4:17 pm
(476) Tedo says:

After much time spent on thoughts of the subject of one sided loving/sexual relationships in marriage, it seems to me that if your husband/wife suddenly decides to have such a one sided relationship then they are the ones who are guilty of cheating on you by refusing to participate in a happy and healthy marriage, this being the case no one should feel any guilt if they find themselves in the arms of a more loving person who also feels the need for a warmer closer relationship, if the marriage should falter because of this then the blame for the breakdown of the marriage must lay firmly at the feet of the cooler marriage partner, you on the other hand should not feel guilty about anything except sorrow for the breakdown of your marriage in which you no doubt had high hopes.

October 1, 2011 at 1:12 pm
(477) DoneThat says:

Thank you for your comments. You’re right BEENTHERE I don’t think it was as severe as yours from the start. But the more I look back at the start of our relationship objectively the more I think I’ve been remembered with rose coloured glasses. We were never compatible sexually. I thought it was just because he was less experienced and that would come with time. It was certainly more frequent…but it was never earth shattering, urgent, or fiery. I love him so much as a person but I don’t know if that’s enough. He doesn’t want to go to therapy which is understandable. It’s difficult for a man to say I don’t really fancy sex all that much. I’m going to start going on my own. Figure out what I want.

to 472 d light: the one friend I’ve confided all this is in said to me would you that ever be an option for you to have the sex fulfilled from an outside source and get the rest from your marriage. And I don’t think I can because I’m still left without intimacy. Are we asking too much from one person?

October 1, 2011 at 8:21 pm
(478) Beethere says:

To DoneThat:

When you say ‘never earth-shattering, urgent, or fiery’ — gosh, that brings back a distant memory — I know what you mean! But I doubt (and it’s presumptuous in a way for me to say this, but I’d like to help if I can just because it’s SUCH a tricky problem, and so few people really do understand) that it *will* be any of those things if it hasn’t been any of those things so far. Anything is possible. But when one is making decisions, one wants to consider what is likely and not just what is possible. In my experience, if the magic wasn’t there that way before, it’s unlikely that you’ll ever have the magic with *him* in the future.

Your last question is crucial, and again, trickier than it looks. Are we asking too much from one person? At first sight the answer has to be ‘of course not!’ We just want what everyone else has, what we’ve had in the past, or what we’re entitled to now. Where is it written in the heavens that one may not have all the bits and pieces for a truly fulfilling relationship?

On the other hand, I have come to the conclusion that no one has absolutely everything in one relationship: there is always an aspect that could be improved, or something that isn’t quite right, or that might be a source of sadness in the future if not now (e.g. a great age gap). That might seem deflating, but it ought to soften any envy we feel, as well. All those other people that seem to have ‘everything’ might well have less together than you would want.

October 1, 2011 at 8:22 pm
(479) Beenthere says:

cont’d from above

Also, there is the luck factor. I might have met (and you might have met) a wonderful man that was also as sexually willing as we are. But as it happens, the wonderful men we met were not like us that way. It’s not that the world is against us, but the world is not scheming to set things up perfectly for us, either. On some things in life, we got lucky. In one or two other things, we’re not lucky. The fact is we got dealt a hand of cards. How do we play them?

The way I look at it is this. Assuming that it’s all right to leave the marriage and you would feel refreshed by having done so, what are the chances that you will meet the man that fulfills all your essential requirements? What are the chances that you also fulfill his — *and* that he is as free to love you as you are to love him? These questions involve the commonness of the right sort of man, geographic proximity, and lack of marital or other entanglements that could prevent you from coming together. If you think that the person you want can want you also and be available for you, that this is a reasonable dream and the marriage you have is no dream at all, then you should consider making that new dream a reality. But, you may decide otherwise. You may feel very nervous about losing what you’ve got. That’s something to pay attention to.

All I would advise is: don’t rush. Take your time. You *do* have plenty of time.

October 1, 2011 at 8:42 pm
(480) Beenthere says:

Certain commenters here have raised the question of seeking ‘fulfillment’ outside of the marriage. The married people with the problem are resistant to this, or doubt that it would work for them, and I can see why.

1. What most people want is not mechanical sex — a calculating mistress, a boy-toy, or god forbid a body for hire (in whatever way). Instead they want intimacy with their lawfully wedded spouse and their partner in life. It’s not just *what* you do, it’s *who* you do it with that matters.

2. The spouse does have some say in this! If I said to my husband: ‘you don’t do this for me so I’m having a relationship with someone else just for this purpose’, he would leave me. He would not tolerate that. I wouldn’t blame him, either. He would rightly see that other relationship as corrosive of the marriage and he would want to cut his losses.

Married people are not free to do just whatever they please, however entitled they might feel, and I’m astonished frankly at the number of commenters who think that we can.

October 3, 2011 at 3:06 pm
(481) Preaching To The Choir says:

Beenthere…I do not get how you don’t see the other side of this ultimatum.

You state it as: “you don’t do this for me so I’m having a relationship with someone else just for this purpose”

How about a spouse simply ignoring your need and basically saying: “No matter what you say or do; no matter how you act, plead or beg; no matter what you look like or how attentive you are to my needs; no matter how much you think you need sex…I will not have sex with you. But I expect you to stay in this relationship and act as if nothing is wrong.

You state that your husband would leave you if you gave him the ultimatum that you would have an outside sexual relationship. Well if he is refusing to have sex, hasn’t he already abandoned part of the marriage anyhow? If his reaction is to leave or deny sex, then maybe that person is better off.

I think you underestimate what we’re dealing with here. I don’t think anyone here is talking about a spouse or mate who didn’t feel like having sex for a day or two, or a few weeks or even a few months. Some cases here this has happened for years and decades on end.

If you have tried over the years and your spouse or mate simply cannot or will not make any effort, then it’s best to leave. That you feel that this is impossible should not keep anyone in a relationship where their needs are not met.

October 4, 2011 at 11:01 am
(482) D says:

Hi, my husband before marriage always seemed to want to have sex and could not keep his hands off me–but we waited. Then on our wedding night, he was not all that interested. And from them on it got worse.

Our honeymoon-even lingerie did not even make him take his eyes off the tv and seem interested. Oh and he could not wait to get to thrift stores on our honey moon—I wanted to have some romance but he all of a sudden did not know how to do that…….Of course I was unhappy. And worried. Then at home I felt like I was throwing myself at him with no response–or should I say he would literally look at me, frown and say get off me I don’t want to be touched right now! WOW!

or sometimes literally pushed off him. I would try to sit on his lap facing him and try to start a nice long kiss, he would quickly give me a peck on the check and look around me to watch tv. Well, we have been married 3 years now–think we have had sex maybe 12-15 times! (and usually I only find out he is interested when I hit the bed and he starts trying to touch me) I tried talking to him about it. But nothing changes. I have told him what I need and it does not matter. Feel pretty disappointed already, pretty frustrated. Can’t figure it out. Now I don’t care anymore.

Oh and I also found out that he thought he made a mistake getting married when we started to drive out to our new home -because my 10 year old had a temper tantrum from being squished in a packed car for 3 days–he emotionally shut down, treated her bad and myself for the next 2.5 years—

October 4, 2011 at 10:17 pm
(483) Beenthere says:

To ‘Preaching’, who wrote:

‘I think you underestimate what we’re dealing with here. I don’t think anyone here is talking about a spouse or mate who didn’t feel like having sex for a day or two, or a few weeks or even a few months. Some cases here this has happened for years and decades on end’.

Preaching: If you had read my comments above you would see that I know about this better than most commenters on this thread! I’ve been married 18 years, most of them sexless, and all of them disappointing in an erotic sense. I have thought about leaving many times. But in my own way I am passionate about my husband, the best person I’ve ever known, and he is passionate about me and says I’m the best person he’s ever known. There is nothing that anyone can teach me about the pain and sacrifice that commitment calls for, when something so much desired is missing.

I’m not trying to tell anyone what to do, or god forbid, downplay their suffering. All I was trying to say is that, if your husband or wife has hurt you by withholding sex (because they don’t want it, not because they’re using it cruelly as a weapon), then having affairs will only make you feel disloyal and will only hurt them back. With all that going on, how do you have a marriage in anything but name? There must be loyalty or commitment — devotion, if you like — if there is to be anything worth struggling for. Two or three of the commenters have been much too flippant about this. I was trying to say that few people can have compensatory affairs and still keep their marriage intact. Whether you think they are justified or not, the cheated-on partner *will* feel cheated on, and *will* feel angry about it. That’s human nature.

October 7, 2011 at 3:44 am
(484) Ron says:

I say… if she says no to sex 3 or more times …
1. She doesn’t like me.
2. She doesn’t like sex.
3. I make myself unappealing by ignoring her most of the time, except when I want sex.
4. She is bisexual or lesbian.
5. She is tired.
6. I don’t satisfy her.
Solutions:
1. Drink heavily!
2. Accept celibacy :(
3. Look at naked women on the internet and masturbate all the time.
4. Get a dog. They are much better companions, and don’t psychologically terrorize us men like those women do.
5. Pay for sex on the open market. It’s a lot cheaper in the long run (by far) than having a wife, and, bonus, you don’t have to listen to all of those jabs about why you are such a horrible person.
6. Invest in a large quantity of Prozac. Take it regularly. It helps turn off the sexual desire.
7. Invest some time in trying to figure out women in general, and your woman in particular. We need sex. They need something else. If they don’t get what they want, they don’t give what we want. Besides, once sex comes regularly, it becomes a chore, and it’s good to have something to do otherwise. But just don’t take her shopping – she will take you to the cleaners.
Women should just be honest from the beginning – they act like they are interested in sex at the beginning of the relationship, but then, sometimes even on the honeymoon they cut us off. They are dishonest and deceiving. Solution ??? find the right woman, or simply don’t get married – keep leading her on so that she gives out in hopes of landing (and imprisoning) you.

October 8, 2011 at 12:05 pm
(485) Single4ever says:

After my last relationship went bad, I got no sex for for the last two years of it I was a mess I became a alcoholic and addict to several drugs and was the worst person you could meet then I found a girl on a website who was older than me we started casually dating(having sex) and decided to just keep it like that niether of us is restricted from doing what we want to do we have no commitments to one another we live together but do not have to be home at a certain time and we are free to seek other partners this is the best relationship ive ever been in and she says the same thing, there is no reason to be married to have a successful relationship if what you have is working dont change it by getting married if its not dont waste the money. Long story short marriage didn’t work, also she helped me get clean and sober, last thing she also has three kids I went to school with the oldest one and the youngest is mine, we understand that the kids come first but when there not around she loves to have sex and I do to, good luck to everyone out there who is stuck in a depressing marriage my advice to you is have a relationship like this with no boundaries it will last forever mines going on 12 years good luck

October 8, 2011 at 1:50 pm
(486) DoneThat says:

to RON:
it’s not all women. if you read the comments (like mine) you’ll know there are many many women who have higher sex drives than their partners. Please don’t blame all women for one’s actions.

BEENTHERE: as usual you speak the truth. Thank you so much for your comments. Everything you said about deciding what you want from a relationship and weighing that against the possibility of finding all those things that you do have with your husband PLUS all the things he doesn’t have in one person make a lot of sense. I enjoy so much about my life with him. And yes, I would miss him very much.

I’ve started going to therapy alone. He’s really not happy about it, because I think it’s worried him, made him realise this is very serious for me, and he doesn’t want to lose me.

I’ll keep you updated. I don’t want to live celibate or without intimacy for the rest of my life. And if he does, then I have to make a decision.

October 9, 2011 at 11:15 am
(487) Beenthere says:

To DoneThat:

Thank you very much for your kind comments. I’m glad to hear that you’re taking things in hand and not feeling (only) like a victim.

There is a song where the singer (Paul Carrack) sings ‘there’s no easy way out’, and that’s what we are all up against: but something must be done. No one can have a happy life treading the treadmill of misery. I wish you and your husband the best of luck. I’m not surprised that he’s worried. He sounds like a good man, who realizes that he’s lucky to have you.

In my life, this has been the hardest thing of all things for me to cope with and to resolve. I have learned however that it IS resolvable. One just has to be very sure of what one wants most, and then lightness of heart can return.

October 10, 2011 at 8:00 am
(488) Jifff363 says:

@ irishbill1954 he says”when it comes to sex.i belived i measured myself by my conquests i stopped counting after 300 partners [all female]…i was or should say am VERY good at what i do or did.ihave never been anywhere where i have not been invited back.PLEASE DONT GET ME WRONG.i have lost interest. nothing excites me any more so the thing is what do you do ?”

I had sex with lots of females, not 300 but over 20 while working to convince myself I was straight. I came out 25 yrs ago, had sex with way over 300 men and never, ever, not for even a second have I lost interest. Its like losing interest in water for a man dying of thrust.

……Just sayen……

And yes couples of all kind have these same problems, it helps to read and know I’m not alone. Sex for us was great the first year or so then it deceased over the years, now 12 years together in the past 3 years we have only made love 3 time and the last 2 time we had sex I felt like I was forcing myself on him. Not forcibly holding him down but feeling like he wasn’t into it, or just doing it for me. The idea of having sex with someone who isn’t really that into it makes me feel shame and self-loathing. It feels like forcing yourself on someone.

Once that thought takes hold there is no going back. If we are ever intimate again I will always be haunted by the thought; “am I forcing him, is he forcing himself. Is that even intimacy?

I think it’s time to go…..after all two people mutually agreeing not to have sex in their relationship is fine, but when one person makes that decision in a relationship there is a problem.

October 10, 2011 at 9:12 am
(489) Mike says:

why am i reading any of this?

October 13, 2011 at 11:37 pm
(490) artist says:

Like so many others here, I am just terribly sad and completely torn up by the fact that I have found myself in a celibate marriage with a lovely man who, in the case of my husband, seems to be utterly assexual. I am 44 and have been married for 20 years. We have had sex three times in the last 8 years, and nada for the last 4 and a half. The prior 12 were pretty bad too. I cried all during my honeymoon when there was no intimacy, and I cried today. We have done couples counseling, individual therapy and, early on in our marriage went to a sex therapist. All of these efforts on average resulted in about 2 sexual encounters. The fact of the matter is that my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me –or anyone for that matter. I feel rejected and full of grief. It physically feels like the grief that comes from a death, a horrible sadness from absence, of not having a place to physically put my love, as well as no opportunity to receive affection. There used to be little kisses and hugs, but now those have largely gone away too. About once a week i ask for a kiss. My pain over the situation goes in cycles. I can go for months sublimating my desires into my own artwork or teaching job or family activities. I pray, I do yoga, I read, I masturbate, I have lots of friends and projects. But the inner conflict, the deep tension that results from the constant rejection, always eventually comes back to the surface, a kick in the heart that never gets easier.

October 13, 2011 at 11:38 pm
(491) artist says:

Continued . . .

We in many ways have a wonderful relationship–our friends always remark how compatible we are intellectually, how supportive we are of each other, how well we get along. And while true, they don’t know that my husband has never been dieing to kiss me, he has never told me that I am beautiful or even that I look nice– (and while no bombshell, i am fit and found attractive by others. )Everyone assumes that we have a perfectly normal sex life and no one suspects that I am periodically going crazy and bawling my eyes out. I am just so sad and I can’t shake it. I break into tears all the time.

I can’t bear the idea of never having sex again. Divorce is not an option because (besides from being Catholic,) we actually love each other and it would break us to extricate.

I don’t expect anyone to have a solution, but i am hoping i will at least find a little relief in sharing my story and hearing those of others.

October 14, 2011 at 12:49 am
(492) artist says:

And I wanted to say thank you to “Beenthere.” Your posts are so honest (and well-written), and I appreciated hearing the back story to your coming to accepting and enjoying your chaste life. But how did you do it? I need some direction in how to get there. I put myself through periodic deep self pep talks on chastity/acceptance/appreciation/etc, but then involuntarily I find myself just so anguished and teary.

October 14, 2011 at 6:58 am
(493) trixhilda says:

I have been happily married for 22 year this month I cannot even remember the last time my husband & I had sex. There were quite a few things going on at first that were interfering with our time. But after about a year with out I realized we had the time but didn’t realize the problem till about 6 to 9 months ago. I finally went to my dr. for a check and he put me on awhole new hormone routine and my dr. call my husbands dr explained problems and suggested he run a testosterone test and I hope I remember these # right but if not still ck with you own dr. about this but anyway his test about testosterone should be around 700 to 800. My husbands was way down in the low 100′s so that was the reason for so many problems such low testosterone can affect every part of your life sexually, no energy can even think about doing chores at home after working 8 hour days put on weight and a whole bunch more f Now if it does not fix him sexually I am going to sit him down and tell him I love him and want to continue our life together but I want to find someone for just the sex lovemaking and the niceties that go with it. I know this sounds ridiculous but I am so tired on not being intimate with another person I am comfortable taking care of myself by myself but there is an aspect of someone else with you that you cannot recreate in your mind so am I nuts for thinking this way at all or just because i want like a boytoy on the side but not a boy I have a full grown man I know that I think would be interested and be descreet. I would never embarrass my husband. Would love to hear what you all think am I nuts or am I possibly on to something for all of us. if nothing else thanks for listening or actually reading

October 14, 2011 at 4:40 pm
(494) Beenthere says:

Hello ‘artist’. Oh dear, reading what you’ve written — it could have come almost directly from me, every word, except for a few details (I’m not religious, for instance, and I’m not yet 44 but will be in December). My heart goes out to you, and thanks for what you’ve said.

I have to sigh and smile almost at the same time, in thinking how to answer you — and that’s so much of what dealing with this is like. The tension that you feel is very familiar — all too familiar to me — and it was very bad in the summer, since I was coping with the fact that I can’t ever have the man I fell in love (for the second time in my life!). Must go. Will get back to you.

October 14, 2011 at 8:18 pm
(495) Beenthere says:

Me again. Have been trying to think how to reply. It’s so simple, and it’s so complicated! [I'm talking directly to 'Artist' but obviously there are others in our predicament and I am aware of those, too.]

I think that how your husband (or wife) treats you is probably the most critical factor in whether you can have a future in the marriage. Which is to say, in whether you can even contemplate a life of celibacy.

First let me say: celibacy is hard to accept but easy to embrace once you have really decided that it is best. It is NOT the life sentence of agony that it might feel like right now.

My husband is very attentive to me as a soul, as a person: he appreciates my looks, my virtues, my charms. He is very quick to make up if there is a rift, no matter how small: he takes nothing for granted, and he knows that little irritants can grow large if unattended.

October 14, 2011 at 8:23 pm
(496) Beenthere says:

cont’d

He also frankly acknowledges the sacrifice I have made for the sake of being with him: it is not something I have ‘over’ him, but it’s not something I have to pretend does not exist, either. There’s a fundamental honesty about it. It pains him that he has caused me such distress, and he has told me numerous times that if I had to leave him to set it right, he would not blame me or give me trouble. Half our assets would be mine without argument or fight. He would be very lonely without me, but he would understand.

If however he were callous about my suffering; if he tried to deny it; if he acted as if it were my fault — then that would harden me against him and feel that I was the victim not only of misfortune but also of injustice.

So I think that how your husband (or wife) treats you in regard to this specifically — how respectful he is — I think that’s important. It’s been important to me, anyway.

October 14, 2011 at 8:33 pm
(497) Beenthere says:

Cont’d

Also, my own relationship is very affectionate — is suffused with affection. There is not a great deal of touching, but we do at times have long hugs, and we do kiss in greeting (briefly), and I do feel comfortable around my husband in states of undress. I don’t feel starved of affection and appreciation, but if I did, that would be a different matter.

Another aspect: specifically, Artist, you ask how you can make the celibate life acceptable to you. I can only speak from my own experience. When I realized that I was not prepared to leave, I knew that meant I would have to accept chastity completely and without complaint. At first — for several months — this was more a matter of mental acceptance than wholehearted acceptance. But very quickly, I found that my feelings of desire were dissipating. I did not think of men, and I did not think about the man I had loved at a distance for years: I told myself that if he and I were in the same room alone together, I’d be happy to pat him on the head and give him a saucer of milk! I found that I was turning off. All men were grandpas to me.

How did this happen really? I think for one thing that I focused on those aspects of sex and bodies that I didn’t like very much: certain sensations, the look of genitals in ‘the cold light of day’, the obnoxiousness of contraception and what you often have to do to get it, the fact that it’s often not very dignified, the fact that pubic hair is very unappealing to contemplate, and the idea that semen in various ways can be ‘toxic’ (disease, cancer, unwanted pregnancy). In short, all the things I was prepared to overlook when it was convenient, I now looked at with savage eye, now that they were inconvenient.

October 14, 2011 at 8:42 pm
(498) Beenthere says:

Cont’d

So therefore you could say that, if sexual attraction is a kind of enchantment, I deliberately and successfully cultivated a disenchantment with it.

More positively, I enjoyed the feeling of cool freedom I felt. I didn’t have hormonal ups or downs, or neediness: I was self-contained and I felt immensely dignified and almost Buddha-like in my calm. Eventually, within about a year of my intellectual decision to accept celibacy, I found that I was actually embracing it — happily. I did not miss sex or think about it. I didn’t touch myself, and I didn’t need the acute sensation that such a thing brings. I had a husband to hug, and eventually a puppy to stroke, but in any case, I lived on the plane of mind and felt very much at peace.

Once in a while, very rarely, I was reminded of the attractive pull of men — but I knew those men to be nothing of interest to me as a full person, and I did not indulge the attraction in myself in any way. Mainly I simply did not find men attractive. Without the intense bond of souls that I had experienced in the past — with the man I loved but whom I did not want sexually, and who did not want me that way, and with the other man I had loved but who was married — I felt that sex was a matter of people using people in a more or less crass way. Not because they meant to, necessarily: they were after all responding to what Nature seemed to demand. But as the poet Philip Larkin said, having sex with someone you weren’t passionately in love with seemed like asking someone else to blow your nose for you. In the end, he felt more comfortable ‘blowing his own nose’ by himself.

October 14, 2011 at 8:48 pm
(499) Beenthere says:

Cont’d

I’ve said a lot now, Artist, and I hope it helps. (That is really my motivation for being here, since I feel so sorry for you all!)

People that have not lived through enforced celibacy assume that it is impossible to accept, and what’s more they assume that one can never be happy in that condition. I’m here to say that it’s not true. But, in all honesty, I have to say that some very specific supports have to be in place before it can be true. The marriage must be deeply affectionate and mutually appreciative. The other person must acknowledge your feelings and in some way take responsibility for them: that is respect that must be shown to you. You must be capable of allowing your mind — which is ahead — to guide and support your heart, which is made of tenderer stuff and lags behind. You must also be prepared to limit your contacts with the opposite sex, since you must learn to cloister your heart. It must come naturally, as to a nun in time, to view men as ‘grandpas’. If you can do — and for many years I could, until in complacency I let my cloister door open too wide — then you can accept your celibate marriage HAPPILY.

October 14, 2011 at 9:11 pm
(500) Beenthere says:

A final thought.

I used to think that I had a duty to myself and everyone involved to decide — forever, for all time — what I was going to do, how I felt, and how it was all going to be.

I’ve learned since then that I can’t. Life throws you surprises, and then you’re back to square one or it’s a different game altogether.

If someone had said to me when I was a sexy young thing with my boyfriend: ‘Would you marry a man who was functionally asexual?’ — I would have said: Of course not. In fact: I did.

If someone had said: ‘Would you decide to accept chastity as a way of life and be happy with it?’ — I would have said: ‘You’ve got the wrong girl!’

If someone had said: ‘Could you fall in love a second time, almost overnight, with someone you loved before and got over at long last?’ — I would have said: ‘No chance!’ And the same answer to the question of ‘Will you get fed up with chastity?’

There are no more five-year plans, or lifelong plans. It may be more than ‘one day at a time’, but really, that’s how it feels. One day at a time. Some days are better than others. Some days I second-guess the decision to stay. But it’s *always* MY decision — and I can change it if I ever need to. Then again, I do think of what they used to say at my husband’s place of work: ‘If we can do without you for three weeks, we can do without you’. If I could live without sexual passion for all these years, maybe I can simply live without it.

October 15, 2011 at 2:57 am
(501) Ron says:

Hi, Ron again;

To DoneThat:
thanks for letting me know that it is not always women that are unwilling/unable to have sex with their spouse. I guess I know one other woman that lives several states away that is in the same predicament as you (and me, and I guess the rest of us too, save for the celibates). I guess in my case the sex was good or at least not bad in the beginning of the relationship, and like a walking/talking/living cliche, once the cloud of initial lust wore off we found ourselves with angst rather than togetherness and compatibility. Then when sex wains the relationship becomes tense; much more so than a casual friendship because I feel that my mate and I should be taking care of each other’s sexual needs, at least for the most part, especially when we are both healthy. Some of my male friends have had to undergo shoulder operations as they age into and beyond middle age, probably because of the strain from all that masturbation. Don’t get me wrong, I think that it is better to masturbate (daily!) when sex is not an option/available, and it is far superior to paying for sex or being celibate. I can’t see having a regular sexual partner that I’m not also monogamous with.

The key is this — find someone with common interests and a similar sex drive. Have a relationship with that person. Nurture that relationship. It will pay off in an infinite number of ways; will make me a more healthy person, more capable, satisfied, happy person; more fulfilled person; by making her a happy and fulfilled person.

1. Common interests!
2. Similar sex drive!

Hope and pray that her mother in law doesn’t move in!

October 15, 2011 at 7:10 am
(502) JoeD says:

My wife and I have been married for 21 years. If i had known then what i know now i would have been long gone years ago. We have had a low sex marriage from very early on. Basically, when she was drunk we would have sex. This continued on for years and as i watched her at church being ” a good christiian” acting so nice to everyone around but then becoming Mr Hyde when we were at home, frustration and anger started to build. We have 2 children so for me, leaving was not an option. During her drunken states she started making comments about not caring about having sex. She finally crossed the line and said to my friends she didnt care if we ever had sex. For some reason that was the final straw for me! i did something i never dreamed i would do. I had an affair. Alot of you have commented that you become animals searching for the physical relationship and i believe that to be true. Struggling with the guilt vs desire was to much for me. I ended the affair after 2 years. I conitnued to have guilt until i finally told my wife that i had an affair. She was “shocked”. Really? How could she have been. Sex 2 -3 times per year when the good christian got drunk, how could she be shocked. For the kids we decided to stay together and work on our marriage. Ya know the good christian must have been turned on by me having sex with another woman, beacuse for about a year she was a horny little devil. Well that didnt last and we are back to the same ole situation. Except now I treat her her the same way she has treated me all of these years. I show her no love, no affection, and just laugh as she pretends to be her loving christian self at church. If not for the kids I would have never stayed with her. Im saying to all of you who are in a non loving relationship, if you dont have kids “GET OUT”. It will not get better. You will just end up like me – feelings of guilt for having an affair but looking to have another one.

October 15, 2011 at 12:49 pm
(503) Beenthere says:

To Artist:

Had another thought about how I made the transition you were asking about — or perhaps I should say why, the ‘how’ sort of taking care of itself.

Good things can come out of bad experiences, which is to say that I felt more committed to my marriage after crushing disappointment in love — and now it’s happened again, after a second disappointment (with, as I said, the same man). I felt then — and I feel now — that there really is no one else in the world for me. Meaning: If I found myself a widow, I suppose I could eventually meet someone that I could love, but there are no guarantees, and I am on the one hand very loving and generous with my love, and on the other hand, I am very demanding and I want a lot out of love and I would not be happy with most men, whom I think of as ‘earthlings’. I’m not an earthling, nor is my husband.

I just feel that the likelihood of my finding someone that was wonderful to my heart, who also found me wonderful to his heart, who had no very great difference from me ( as in politics, age, family encumbrances, geographic rootedness, etc.), and who was also available at this juncture and not married, is pretty darn small.

Partly that is because most marriageable men are already attached (whether legally or not), and partly in my case it’s because I’m an as yet unpublished writer and therefore I lack the career ‘calling card’ that would help a new man to take me seriously and consider me a success. I think that most men (wrongly) would mark me down so to speak for not having made it in my chosen vocation, which itself has been a great sadness to me. (But I’m not giving up!)

October 15, 2011 at 12:50 pm
(504) Beenthere says:

Cont’d

So, someone with more conventional success might feel that the pool of available men will necessarily be deeper, but I feel in my case it would be very shallow. Also, I look younger than my age (always have), I’m a (private) belly dancer and I know how to use my charms, but again I think that men I would be interested in, of my own age, would be thin on the ground or looking for someone perhaps younger.

Ultimately though it comes down to the question of whether I think life would be better without my husband or not. And the answer — the only conclusion that I’ve ever come to, my other beloved having turned me down — is No.

October 16, 2011 at 2:19 am
(505) MSisk says:

In reading these posts, my heart breaks for many of you. This is not God’s ideal for marriage, regardless of what the flawed logic of man might suggest. The Lord says that it is good for a man not to touch a woman OUTSIDE of the bounds of marriage. However within the marriage to say that “we agree to no sex-ever” is an abomination! Your partners are keeping slaves and are selfish BEYOND measure. To deprive someone the comfort and joy and intimacy is just cruel! The Word of God also says that the marriage bed is undefiled (meaning it should be passionate and fulfilling and honoring to God in its selflessness). May the Lord my God bless and keep those of you who are feeling like your losing your mind. I’m sure that you are because a part of you is dying. Its not your fault; marriage is supposed to be the safe and ordained place to feed ones God-given desire for sexcual intimacy. Though by no means an advocate for divorce, I encourage you to seek a CHRISTIAN counselor who can lead your souls to the healing of God’s Word. I am praying. Be blessed.

October 16, 2011 at 10:49 am
(506) Beenthere says:

Msisk:

Your compassion is very kind and may I say Christian of you. I do think, though, that your advice to seek counselling misses the point or the heart of the problem that most commenters here are burdened by. One can’t be ‘counselled’ into feeling desire that is simply not present. This is true for the partner that first withheld sex and/or was never very engaged with it or good at it! But it’s also true, in time, for the other partner, who loses interest in that person in that way. No amount of talk can re-light a fire that either was never there or has simply died out. Once sexual attraction ceases to exist, you’re looking at a celibate marriage or leaving.

This is the hard choice — the rock and hard place dilemma that certain people face — and those are the people I’ve been wanting to talk to, simply because, well I’ve been there! And I’m still ‘there’ in the sense that I have apparently decided to stay married (and celibate). I want people in a similar position to me to know that the agony they feel is there because their marriages are actually worth a great deal. So are their natural feelings. There is no easy way to reconcile those, and no one else can really understand (well I can, but most people can’t!) what it feels like to be caught in this trap. Again, outside well-wishers think that it’s a matter for counselling, or they advise divorce. But marriage involves the whole of our lives, and is not easy to dissolve, nor is that necessarily the best solution. Everyone must choose his or her own path, and only one’s precise relationship and situation can show whether on balance it’s better to leave and reject chastity or stay with the love you have and accept it.

October 16, 2011 at 6:46 pm
(507) HISWILLBEDONE says:

Have been searching for answers for a few months, I have been praying a lot and while reading a lot of these stories I am scared to think that this may not change. I am 26 y/o, been married a yr. and I am so in love with my husband, he is my best friend and I am so thankful God brought us together. We struck bad luck when he had an accident at work that caused him to develop PTSD and Severe Anxiety and only 1 mth. into our marriage.

Boy has it been a rough year but I have not once thought of giving up on our love. We have grown stronger through this with God who gives us strength but one thing lacking is our sexual relationship. He was on a lot of meds for awhile for the severe anxiety and PTSD but he realized that he could handle this illness on his own and that meds were making it harder for him to feel like himself. He is slowly getting better but I am scared we will never have that sexual spark again and that terrifies me. Don’t get me wrong our love is strong and he shows me he loves me everyday but the arousal and sexual energy in him and sometimes me is just not there. I along with him have suffered with this illness and I went through a bit of isolation which I am working on and counceling is great to let it all out but I just dont have so much time for it through my busy days.

October 16, 2011 at 6:47 pm
(508) HISWILLBEDONE says:

I love him with all my heart and could not imagine my life without him but I would like to know that viagra is not the only answer lol He has an appt. with his doc next week and i told him to tell him our issue and if viagra may be the answer till he is well. His Psych doctor who diagnosed him with this illness said that it is sometimes a side effect of the meds but it should pass. Its been awhile and he is sad that he cannot become aroused but he tells me how beautiful and sexy I am and that I am the most strongest person he has ever met because no one could endure this much pain and still stand by their spouse without either cheating or leaving. My heavenly father is holding me together and my husband showing me the affection and love I need to stay strong and have faith that we shall overcome this together. I will pray for all who have shared on here because just when I think I am going through hell I see that I am not the only one and God has a plan for each and every one of us. Bless you all.

October 17, 2011 at 12:10 pm
(509) Preaching to the Choir says:

@BeenThere- While I appreciate your story, your candor and your seemingly cheerful acceptance of your sexless marriage, I’m worried that your comments add to the burden of people who may want to get out.

Because honestly, I think a lot of people who come to this board, really want the answer to this question:

Is lack of sex a reason to leave my marriage, regardless of how things may stand otherwise?

Your story shows a loving side of this equation. Your situation seems different from so many I see described here. It’s something your spouse is aware of and has acknowledged. It’s something the two of you have discussed and you have been able to make a choice whether to live with it or not.

Others, like me, never got to make that choice. I have read of people dealing with silence and avoidance; describing getting up the nerve after days, weeks, months or years of no or minimal sexual contact only for to be ignored or to live with the promise of change and still (no pun intended) getting none. And never really knowing why other than the fact that it’s a choice they did not make and a life they did not choose.

Many here already know that they can stay in the relationship. They’re already doing that. What people need to know is that they can leave. That someone like me, who had been in a relationship for 15 years, tried for the last half decade to improve a relationship’s sexual difficulties, failed, and finally called it quits. And I survived and walked out on the other side.

I stayed faithful as long as I could. I tried affairs. And then I tried being faithful again. And in the end, I decided that I could not be in the relationship that included no intimacy.

Either way, the choice is yours. But it is a choice and in my opinion, leaving a sexless relationship is an option that is just as valid as staying if all else fails and efforts at repairing the relationship don’t work.

October 18, 2011 at 3:19 pm
(510) Lone says:

My ex-husband’s sex drive was very low, though sex was good when we had it. We were married 21 years. I left him 8 years ago. Have I found pure joy? No, but I have more joy because I’m not rejected on a regular basis! Ah! I can breathe!

“Married people are not free to do just whatever they please, however entitled they might feel, and I’m astonished frankly at the number of commenters who think that we can.” This is so true, and it includes the fact that married people are not free to decide to deprive their spouse of love-making and physical intimacy. They are not free to turn love-making into something that pleasures only themselves (sex acts that are selfish and do not take into account their partner’s needs). They are not free to sexually reject their spouse. If they wish to divorce their spouse, then they are free to make those decisions. Otherwise, they are not free, however entitled they may feel.

Be honest! If you know your sex drive is low or non-existent, let a potential partner know before you ever, ever, ever start a serious relationship! Being rejected sexually is exceedingly painful. If your sex drive lowers after you’re married or in a committed relationship, let your partner know EXACTLY what’s going on in your mind. Do not string your partner along for your convenience. That is CRUEL and incredibly selfish! If you no longer want sex, DO NOT expect your spouse to stay with you! YOU have chosen to change the original marriage contract, so YOU must allow your spouse a chance to respond to that change in accordance to what is now desirable to your spouse, which may mean leaving you. Make no mistake: a marriage partner who chooses to not meet their partner’s need for sexual intimacy has chosen to BREECH the marriage contract, making it null and void.

October 18, 2011 at 3:21 pm
(511) Lone says:

(Part 2)

But, you say, what if my partner desires a sex act I find despicable? Well, you can talk about it and see if you can work it out. If you can’t, then go ahead and breech the marriage contract and allow your partner to leave. After all, do you really WANT to be with a man who finds it enjoyable to stick needles in you or a woman who only wants anal sex? Think about it!

By the same token, if you know you are a man who loves to receive oral sex, finding it even more pleasurable than intercourse, but you refuse to give oral sex, let your partner know as soon as possible, as soon as it looks like your relationship might become sexual! Don’t expect her to give and give without getting anything in return! And this applies to any sex act. Get it out in the open! Even if you chose to remain virgins until you’re married, talk about your fantasies, needs, and desires, and if one partner feels he or she can’t do those things, don’t get married! Run away fast and find someone else!

In short, love-making is an intimate act meant to bring pleasure and bonding in a committed relationship, and is an integral part of the marriage contract. If you are entering a marriage contract, a full sexual disclosure is a must. If you refuse to give a full disclosure regarding your sexuality, you must understand that YOU are the one who has breached the marriage contract if you decide that sex with your partner will no longer be part of your relationship.

October 19, 2011 at 9:31 am
(512) Beenthere says:

To Preaching:
I understand and agree with what you have so eloquently stated.
I agree that a marriage without intimacy is not good enough to sacrifice for. However, some people (including me) do have intimacy, but it does not have physical expression. That’s what presents the worst dilemma: which intimacy to choose. Because if you leave the marriage, you may not have that same emotional intimacy with someone else, and the sex you get may not be a good trade-off. So then you have made a bad bargain, giving up something rarer, higher, and more rewarding for something commoner, lower, and somehow insufficient.
It would be easier to leave if I were among the people you refer to on this board: I would not sacrifice for their marriages, as they describe them. To me, they have the clearer path, the easier choice, since their partners do not really seem worthy of them. I have tried to help in particular those people who do have intimacy to lose, not those that have none at all. If I had none at all, I would leave.

October 19, 2011 at 11:22 am
(513) A stupidity or a madness !! says:

I came on this page by chance and I must say, its mostly amazingly stupid, where someone is trying to justify his utterly bad situation and trying to prove it as a gift or the most precious thing…..hahahaha.lol…

Kids, I will just say one thing. Life is short, don’t waste it trying to defend the current situation, better to try towards accepting the truth, understanding the reality and finding an solution..

First of all try to understand your own self..Whether you need sex or not….Now for example, if you need sex then that’s the truth for you.. And if you are not getting it then that’s the problem.. So try to talk with your spouse and understand him or her and also make your own self clear….Make you partner understand your needs and then find a way out of it….May be he or she understand it and be ready to have it at least for you or ask the permission to have it with others…Whats the problem here…..Your partner do not want it and you continously think about it, imagine it with others, so in a way you are already having it ……You are already indulge in the mental physic sex, which in a way is even more frustrating……You are not wrong..It is not your fault that you need sex….It is natural and nothing to hide it or run from it…Just make yourself clear and whatever happens, it will happen for good..

And for example it is you who dont want sex then also the same thing…Understand yourself and make yourself clear to your spouse and if he or she needs sex then give them freedom to have it with others….It is your duty to make her happy and fulfill her needs..You cannot just say that hey I dont need it now so no more sex..and spoil someone’s life or make him or her a psycho always longing and thinking about sex.

October 19, 2011 at 11:24 am
(514) A stupidity or a madness !! 2 says:

And also you people who got divorced…… Others please learn from them…They made a little mistake in their life of supressing their real feelings and see their situation now…….I read few of their comments…All of them said mostly the same thing…..I left him or her few years back and now i am in pain but not so much pain as I was before..But please try to understand, it is still a journey from pain to pain…The more you try to act in a way which is not you real self, the more it gets confusing…The more you try to avoid the reality, the more it becomes a deep scare inside your heart, your soul…….And from this people’s talks, all I understood is, they really were in this dread hole for so long that now even if they are out of it, still they are there…Still their mind hankers about that.Still their heart is in that shocks and still their life is all about running from the past……

So, people all I will say is, be brave, be strong, be real to your own self.Stand for your own self.. IF you won’t stand for your own, then who else will? IT IS YOUR MOST IMPORTANT RESPONSIBILITY TO STAND FOR YOUR OWN SELF..TRUST YOURSELF,,GIVE IT SOME RESPECT!!!!!! and make proper decisions in your life at the right time so that you don’t spoil your life and also not of other people…You don’t have any right to disturb other’s life..Act responsibly and have a life that you want and let others have a life they need !!!!!

Thats all for you all intelligent people. Be brave and take control of your life and start living again..Its not that late yet..Give yourself a chance to grow and blossom again and please please give others their freedom and life back…Lets others be happy too..

October 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm
(515) Beenthere says:

I’m going to make this my last comment here (in two parts because of word-count restrictions).

A lot of the commenters, wishing us well and exhorting us to change our lives, keep telling us how wonderful loving sex is. I’ve got news for them: We know. We know that, but simply knowing that fact is surprisingly unhelpful. Repeating it doesn’t solve anything. It’s like telling a poor person, or someone that’s lost his job, how wonderful it is to be rich. No one will argue with you, but so what? That fact alone doesn’t help us bridge the gap between what we have, what can we realistically hope to find, and what we might ideally want.

October 19, 2011 at 1:16 pm
(516) Beenthere says:

Similarly, it doesn’t help to say that somehow as married people we have ‘rights’. I would not think that I had a ‘right’ to someone else’s body no matter what the relationship or the agreement: marriage is not slavery, nor should it be. What we have is entitlement, and we also have the right to end the marriage. But most partners withhold sex not because they want to deny someone else’s ‘rights’ but because they do not feel desire themselves. There’s no intended cruelty in it. (If there is — well, get out!)

Also, people married to functionally asexual partners (or partners so unsexed that the distinction scarcely matters), who love those partners, are especially valued by the nonsexual partner precisely because most people expect sex. So you are giving them the rare tribute of loving them without the carrot and the cake of sex. This only adds to the difficulty: Perhaps your rejected spouse will blossom with someone else if you leave, but more likely he/she will be lonely forever, all because the sex need in them is not felt: they end up needy and unfulfilled in love simply because they are not needy of sex. And should we be blind to the appalling sadness of that?

October 19, 2011 at 8:50 pm
(517) Carl says:

If your wife refuses sex continuously it is grounds to justify an extra-marital affair in my opinion.

October 19, 2011 at 10:23 pm
(518) try this says:

I’m writing this comment and im from different culture,I’m totally choked to know how many are suffering from no sex life.
sex is very important to maintain a healthy relationship but if of both partners are happy to live without sex then that’s ok but this is not the case for every cause each one has different needs.
i myself have been a widow for 7 years and i’m 42 years old now.I got used to my life without sex and I might continue this way the rest of my life. I feel a terrible emptiness but i’m busy with the responsibilities towards my children .
I’m not a counselor but may be some advises might be useful for those partners who feel unwanted or rejected. I suggest for the wifes to do some changes in their look, hairstyle etc.. to get their husbands attention. Do not ask for sex directly as it might put them off and it makes you feel bad if you are rejected little smart romantic signs can do it successly ..choosing the right time is also very important ,usually at night everyone is tired ..do what you can to get your partners interested in you ..you can even make them feel jealous if this is required.. finally i wish for every one to live a happy and a healthy marital life.

October 20, 2011 at 11:16 am
(519) Daisy says:

I am 42 yrs old and been married to my husband for 3 yrs. He is 34 yrs old and when we first started dating he couldn’t keep his hands off me. He is a diabetic but it never seemed to have an affect on our sex life until we got married. I have a very high sex drive and he refuses to have sex with me at all. He says he is never in the mood. I have talked with doctors and I understand that being diabetic does affect his sex drive but when he gets hard and still refuses to have sex i feel horrid. I have begged, pleaded, and even tried to use porn to no avail. I miss sex and all the fun that I use to have but don’t know how much more I can take of not having sex in my marriage. He refuses to talk to a doctor and get any help. He has no problem looking at porn alone and masturbating alone but still want have anything sexually to do with me. I am seriously thinking about a divorce here…

October 21, 2011 at 2:41 am
(520) Rome says:

I have been married for a almost a year. We have been together for two years. I’m 25yrs old and she is I have a very high sex drive compared to my wife. When we were first got together we didn’t have any issues with sex, it was actually pretty fluent. About one month before we got married she start showing less and less interest in our sex life. I am a strong believer that intimacy is a huge part of a balanced relationship. She on the other hand feels that sex itself is stressful. I love her and don’t desire any other woman. I understand that work can be stressful but I HONESTLY am the one that cleans around the house and cooks for her everyday just to make things less stressful when she comes home. I complement her every day about how much I love her and how gorgeous she is. I have brought up the issue to her quite a few times and I’m tired of being the one to keep asking for intimacy. I understand that a most woman’s sexual desire usually comes from there minds. I can talk dirty all day long to her and when she comes home she doesn’t want to do anything… I don’t know what to do anymore. I can honestly say that I have tried everything. I think my only choice is to do nothing and hope that it all works out.

October 21, 2011 at 3:22 am
(521) NeverImagined says:

I just had, yet another, fight with my husband about sex. We have been married a little over a year and have a beautiful 3 1/2 year old daughter together. I never imagined that I would end up in a marriage like this one. We had a great talk the other day over some yard work about how disconnected we feel from eachother and what we can do to salvage our connection. I thought things would change after that. It seemed promising. Since that conversation, I have put confidence and self-respect out there to make sexual advances toward my husband 4 times and every time, I have been shot down. Not only does he make noises that make it sound as though I asked him to wash the dishes, he gets angry at me, we start fighting, and he calls me dumb in one way or another… I am torn between my happiness, his
“quiet time” and my strong desire to maintain a family structure for my daughter. My husband works very hard and does come home tired quite often. I feel like he gives everything to his job and doesn’t save anything for me. I think he is either depressed or has a medical problem. How do I get his to go see a doctor without starting another fight? It doesn’t seem to bother him that I am so hurt and upset about this issue. It’s like he doesn’t care that I am not happy and I am beginning to hate him for how he makes me feel about myself. Please help!

October 22, 2011 at 5:20 pm
(522) Bratdoll21 says:

I was 19 when I met the 1 he was 38.
It was like a love at first sight really.
We both had a huge sex drive
Then I got depressed and had my inhabitons an he’s a freak in the sheets
I was a prude
He brought me out of my shell and we really pleasures each other like no one ever has.
People were jealous and always told u’s to make our own porn !
He was in an accident and it really gets him sore to have sex but we are still Horney turn eachother on and want to all the time!
If it didn’t hurt him I’d be on it …
But I’m very Horney and want to get mine so I get it in the shower and don’t tell him to make him feel ok .
Is that wrong I mean i only want him and would never go off and wonder never never immfaithful
And I know as soon as he’s all better we are going to be making love like rabbits!
So should I stop or tell him or keep it to myself. I mean it’s only a vibrator !!

October 23, 2011 at 11:27 am
(523) Muse9999 says:

Interesting thread… I couldn’t read all of it but wow, there’s definitely a book in here! I am writing from the other perspective. I am the wife who refuses to have sex with her husband.

Why does one partner lose interest in the other partner? Someone that you vowed to love forever? I made that promise too over 18 years ago. When my husband and I were first together we enjoyed a satisfying and fulfilling sexual life which lasted for the first 2 years, and then intermittently throughout the next 10. But now after all these years of marriage and 4 children, I definitely have no sexual attraction to him whatsoever. And he is an attractive man, in fairly good shape, not to mention a decent human being but regardless I feel no real emotional connection to him, and consequently can’t bring myself to even kiss him despite the fact that I know this is hurting him. I hate hurting him, but I can’t feign any physical attraction to him anymore. I just want to get away from him. If it weren’t for the children I would leave.

I feel awful feeling this way, consumed with guilt for not loving him the way he deserves. I wish I could but how does one conjure up love and physical attraction to another? Why did it evaporate? Where did it go?

He is a devout Catholic and believes marriage is for life and even if we divorce without an annulment he will never remarry and live a life of abstinence. I think that is sooo sad. I do not want that for him, I want him to have a second chance at marriage. I want him to have love and physical intimacy, he deserves it. I don’t know what happened to my love for him. I have tried to resuscitate it, but it is dead.

I wonder is there some truth to the statement “that familiarity breeds contempt”? Contempt may be too strong a word… but you get the idea.

And yes, I do have a sex drive.

October 23, 2011 at 10:54 pm
(524) anniead1 says:

My husband makes all the decisions. A month before we were married he told me he has some difficulty having sex (never would have guessed we were having sex 3 times a day) after the first year together there has being nothing – if i touch him he pushes my hand away. He will not go to the doctor (he says he got attacked by a dog when he was younger and that is why he has erection troubles) one person should not make the decisions for a couple. Those people that live in separate rooms and don’t share sex with their partner then you are not in a good place and should not be married. If you really loved your partner you would be trying to please them in some way – sex does not only involve intercourse. I looked after a paraplegic man whom would take Viagra so he could please his partner. Those of you who have decided “no sex” in your life PLEASE leave your partner so they can move on and be fulfilled. Why should we be the ones experiencing guilt and loneliness?

October 24, 2011 at 3:28 am
(525) SomeDude says:

I would like to interject some things:

1) For Christian married folks-we are not to deprive our spouses if they desire love making.

2) The world is absolutely mad over sex-it’s not like anybody is going to die without it!

3) Please, please, please people, don’t cheat on your spouses to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season. Talk to the spouse. If all else fails, get your Dr. to give you Prozac or Anafranil (these will kill a sex drive very well), as long as one is not bipolar anyway (these will cause mania and a worse increase in libido). Don’t think about it-keep busy. Don’t let your life (divorce) or health (AIDS, HPV/Cervical Cancer, herpes, etc.) be ruined by being controlled by the organs between your legs as opposed to the brain!

October 24, 2011 at 4:26 am
(526) Spike says:

Last time I had sex was around 3 years ago I’m 47yrs old an single an the way things are going can’t see myself ever having sex again.
I have suffered with depression from age 15yr an never go out an meet people.
Only ever had one girlfriend which I lived with for over 15 yrs we had sex a lot the first year but later only had sex around 6 times a year.
This was my fault really because I just did’nt fancy her anymore she was my best friend not my lover.
Funny thing is I have always had a very high sex drive an hoping with age it will drop.
I’m stunned by all the posts of married people who had no sex for years been intersesting but sad reading life can really suck.
Hope you can all turn you lives around I will just live the rest of my life alone an without sex.

October 25, 2011 at 10:33 pm
(527) NoWINSituation says:

Wow. what a long and in many ways a depressing thread of comments. My situation, similar to many others. Just turned 40 and wife is 39, married 10 years. Last 3 years no sex, no intimacy its all gone. She says it because I’m mean. No **** what man wouldn’t develop some attitude after 3 years of no sex. I am so ready to cheat given the right opportunity it makes my head spin, but I truly love my wife, I would regret it before the act was completed. We’ve discussed divorce but I can’t bring myself to go find a lawyer or even pickup the phone and call one because that would be admitting defeat, and the bible says marriage should be between one man and one women and I pledged my undying love and loyalty to her when I married her. She says she will not speak to our preacher of go see counselors, so I haven’t gone, but finally I am going tomorrow. Hopefully I can get something from it and hopefully it will spurn her to want to go. The bad thing is if I give in to her desire to seperate and divorce she still wins, because I will loose my wife, I will certainly end up paying child support and I’ll lose my children. What gives I mean women say oh quit worrying the sex isn’t that important, well if it wasn’t that important then why don’t you give in and just do it. Hell right now I would take pity sex. Its just not fair, I pray and pray for resolution to this but nothing ever seems to happen, I have become more religious and participate more in my local church then ever and maybe that is what this about, about bringing me closer to god, but Im there I want to be close to my wife now.

October 26, 2011 at 11:08 am
(528) * says:

NoWin: We hear you.

October 27, 2011 at 2:14 am
(529) hmmm says:

Muse9999 – I wonder if the book Undefended Love would be interesting to you.

October 27, 2011 at 3:45 am
(530) Exhausted says:

Wow, iot believf i feel reading these! “nothing says”, “someday says”, “scared says”, “kev says”. I am going through the exact same thing. i feel like an animal. ihave been dating a man for 2 years who has huge professional ! Work problems. i have been exhausted tgrough helping him with all of these refused sex by him, even thouh i love it and would have it ten times a day if i whad a man that wanted it. i have resorted to watching porn for t, well really , the duration of our relationship and i gave up trying to instigate sex from practically a week after meeting him. i was never the sleep around type of gal & hadnt been with a man sexually for at least a yr before i met him. I was extremely attractive when i met him(not being vainjust trying to explain pic). Had huge interest from men but unfortunately i may have wechosen badly. long story short sex was bad from start. It got progressively worse though i still wanted it, he didnt saying he wasnt able!i continued to try anyway doing all the work & him lying thete like a plank! He has never given me oral sex though i have him at start. eventually i gave up, now its been months and i can safely say the thoughts of having sex with him makes me physically sick. we sleep in separate beds due to his horrendous snoring & im glad i have bed to myself!if i feel like shipping out my dildoa & the laptop i can with no interruptions though now i just cry after masturbating! To top it off i have been living with the fact that he has secret emails & regularly contacts other women but tries to hide it from me. He constantly tells me he loves & adores me yet has secret e mail but doesnt meet anyone ghis i know cos he never has chance to dye to work circumstances(home all day) my job is near and i come home alot cos he calls looking for me & i live near work so its convenient to come home for lunch/coffee.
I now feel rejected humiliated disgusted & disgusting and basically cant stand this man.

October 27, 2011 at 3:54 am
(531) Exhausted says:

I am 36 & he is 38! I would have loved marriage to a f**kable husband and children! Basic things……….. Sorry but feel very bitter:-X.

October 30, 2011 at 11:45 am
(532) Mary says:

Sex do not determine love in a relationship. We are trained by society to think that way because economy has to keep going and sex is one essential tool to make it work anywhere. Sexually active people are great consumers. It’s ok if they want it that way, but it is also ok if people chose no to have sex (they can save a lot physically and emotionally) we are free to choose. No one should ever determine the way you choose to live your life as well as you should never tell others how to live theirs.
Btw, I agree with Dave

October 31, 2011 at 3:42 am
(533) ladybird. says:

For a long time I thought I must be the only woman in the world with this kind of problem! I hear all the time about people having different problems in their relationships and marriages and very often hear about man cheating on their wives, or drinking, or gambling, or not giving enough time and affection to his wife but more treating her like a maid and “a thing” and many, many more… I hear about those problems every day but never heard even once about somebody having a problem like me!
I’m a 31 y old woman, have been in a relationship for 5 years and married for the last 2 years with a wonderful man who is 36 y old. When we met, for me he was everything I wanted from a man, we shared the same interests, we wanted the same things in life, we made eachother laugh, we respected and loved eachother… He was gentle, loving, romantic, funny…
And he still is! That’s not a problem, he stayed absolutely the same all these years, he still treat me like a princess and his best friend and he makes me feel safe. THE ONLY PROBLEM is that after the first 3 years of our relationship, he suddenly lost any interest or abbility to have sex!! Like his libido (which before was normal and compatible with mine – 3-4 times per week) suddenly just dissappeared! In that time he was extremely stressed at his work and he was very tired, didn’t have much time to sleep, relax and I believe he simply got “burned out” at work. He was responsible for a lot of people and many of them had to loose their jobs and he was the one who had to fire them. That’s why I had a lot of understanding for a lack of sex and tried to be supportive as much as I could, I just thought when things at work get better…we will start to make love again….

October 31, 2011 at 3:44 am
(534) ladybird. says:

But that NEVER happened! In the meantime, he has changed a company, still has a stressfull job, but much better paid and he has his days off and holidays…but libido never came back.
He is in every other aspect great husband and I love him so much, all my family and friends just adore him and everybody think we have this perfect relationship! A lot of people envy us.
And we didn’t make love for 4 long years! That’s our dark secret that nobody knows… Before I was just telling to myself that there are worst things in life, that it will get better, but lately I have more and more problems in dealing with this situation! I pretend in front of everybody but inside I’m hurting so much… I want to make love again…I want to make love with him again…And I want to have a baby… while it’s not too late.
We tried to talk about this many times but for him is so difficult to talk about this, you can see on his face that he become phisically sick when he start to think about what he’s doing to me and what I’m missing because of him…and I know that he wants to fix this and he also wants a baby… but just doesn’t know what to do. In our last conversation (I did most of the talking and he was just frozen!), he promised to me that soon he will go see a doctor and that he want to fix this. So now I just need to hope that he will go and that there is something that can be done… Otherwise…I don’t know what am I going to do………. :(

November 1, 2011 at 12:17 am
(535) Ash says:

Okay people, this is rediculous. A lot of you say no sex is a good thing, others say sex is a good thing. I’m eightteen and I think all of you are kinda sad. I mean sure there is no problem with having sex once in a while, but don’t make it all about sex.

When we all start dating he either have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Now adays I hear, “My Girl.” Or “My Boy.” seriously, this sound like they are a thing, an object thats yours. Wrong O, they are a person like you, even when your married your still boyfriend and girlfriend. You need to remember, once in a while have sex and be with the one you love in a way you can’t be with anyone else, and other times be their friend.

It’s not one or the other, geez this all sound black & white to me. There is no either or, there always options you can choose. People have some damn sex and have a good time. Others, get out of the bedroom and talk and go out to dinner. Dman people, i’m only eightteen have had sex a few times and I know this. Sorry I sound like a dick, but people when you marry someone, your married, your not roomate or friends with benefits, you are husband and wife.

If you havn’t had sex is 10 damn years, it’s a good time to have sex because theres a lot of serious issues that will arise most likley. And if you have sex every damn night, spereate and cut the line there, because your going to sufficate eachother and forget whats really important. Damn people, everyone needs to stop talking to others and talk to the ones you love. Seriously try to remember when you were first datting, don’t be a stickler and don’t a be sex addict. Sex once in a while, and talk when your not shaking the damn bed to ruin

November 1, 2011 at 10:16 am
(536) Really???? says:

Wow Ash, it’s obvious that you have never been in this position before. 18 years old you say? Don’t you think that these people who have been in this situation for 10+ years know a bit more about it than you? It’s not just about the sex, but the emotional bond that it creates. Your view of sex and love as 2 separate things is infantile.

November 1, 2011 at 12:27 pm
(537) Resolved says:

Heh. I’ve been married for as long as Ash has been alive.

Of mild interest: when most people speak of sex and love as two different things (that can and do overlap), what they are usually thinking of is sex without love. That is because most people approach love via the door of sex, and therefore they assume that in man-woman love there will also be a vital sexual element — to be reactivated at any time.

It hasn’t occurred to Ash, apparently, that there is such a thing as love without sex, love in which sex is no longer an option. It is entirely possible, and often happens, that someone you had sexual feelings for (however fleetingly) now completely turns you off. And the switch, with that person, is broken. But — you may still be friends. You may even be what is termed ‘soul mates’. So then what do you do? Ash, of course, doesn’t have the answer. Only the people in the partnership do.

November 4, 2011 at 2:51 am
(538) Henry says:

I’m blown away by the fact that many men and women are in struggles of intimacy, but the important thing her, in every human being God created our desire for sex one for the other for its written.. That a man shall take a woman for a wife and the two shall become one flesh leaving there father and mother clinging to each other to be fruitful and multiply , this woman is part of your body the mother of your children she/they love men different than what we love them.
(women)when women love their husband they love us with not only with their heart but with their complete bodies because unlike us men they give them selves over in completenest that when they give birth or conception of a fetal produce in their womb ALL of her organs give way for the new child. thats how they love us. with their all… men we lose their affection when mistreat them with harmfal words we lose and kill that love that was there at one time. we need to rekindle that love if she still around and we didnt walk her or cuzt at her out into the arms of another , if there is anyone that needs my consol ive been married 22 years and still growing together with 3 kid teen kids our love is strong and built in respect . we are slower than all you out there with sex 3 times a week…… ill do what can with what God has given me …… i never post but this breaks my heart i just might be able to help some but not all all i hope and pray that all these marriages may mead again…and rekindle with a fire never seen or felt between the two…….

November 4, 2011 at 3:35 pm
(539) Lemon says:

(i’m not a native english speaker, i’m sorry if my english is not good enough)

i’m 24 now, i’m male and i’m from germany.
i didn’t read all comments inhere but my oppinion is that you can indeed be happy without sex.i have had a partnership without sex we did not even cuddle and it was the best partnership i have had.sex is so overrated.i can live good with the certainty that i will never have sex in my whole life anymore.by the way i’m not a virgin and i’m not proud of not beeing one anymore.i envy those who still are and will be virgins for the rest of their life.i consider sex as bad and nasty and i’m not one of those christian freaks :D .i read one comment from above where someone said you should sleep in different rooms with your partner i think that’s a good idea.anyways, live without any sex is much better and more satisfying then with!

November 6, 2011 at 12:24 pm
(540) mike says:

thank you to everyone who took the time to post. I am 42, married 3 years, dated 3 years before marriage and have a wonderful son. After my son was born, my wife totally lost all feelings of intimacy. At first I felt bad, dirty, ugly, rejected. After a while and a lot of rejected trying ( to improve the situation ) I gave up. I still love my wife but now I realise that physical avenue is now gone. So, I spend time on the things that do make me feel good.. my motorbikes, sports and music…. I dont want to divorce so for me, at least, an equilibrium has been reached….

November 6, 2011 at 1:40 pm
(541) Ash says:

No one has the true answer to anything. I don’t have the answer of course, because i’m different from all of you. Just because i’m 18 dosn’t mean I can’t see what happens inside a person’s head. I’m just voicing my veiws at my age. Nothing is ever set in stone, thats the reason we die in the end. But I do think there should be an imitacy thing going.
Look, I came onto this site to find some answers to my problem. That was a lost cause, because everyone here is married and mostlikly after they did a comment they found out they were happy. I just think it’s a shame when someone forgets what sparks a relationship in the first place. Our whole world is usally based around sexual appel and stuff like that.
No I won’t know the answer for you people, becuase we can’t know eachothers answer of life, we can only help them. I just think getting a base of imitacy is an important thing. Most of these comments have been about, my husband or wife won’t have sexual relations with me after sum many years. My point was, it seemed all about sex, if you two are still kissing eachother and talking and doing stuff togeather then theres no reason not to be happy.
But most of us forget when your in a partnership, it’s just that. What happened to hanging out and talking. Where is the friendship in your relationship. I think when it comes to a partnership, it’s friendship first, mine second. Now don’t go saying shit about me just because i’m 18, all i’m saying is an oppinon of mine. If your happy without sex, fine whatever but at least don’t forget who you love, and how you feel about them.
Sex is one thing, but people need express how they feel. There are other ways, At least stop and smell the roses at least once in your life, and do it with your partner, both of you stop and smell the roses and enjoy who your with.

November 7, 2011 at 9:03 am
(542) Jay says:

So, my girlfriend of 3 years has been diagnosed with endometriosis, and we cant really have sex anymore. Maybe i get it once every few weeks or so, but i can see her sexual appetite is gone. The sad thing is, she is only 19. And i am 21. Now we are quite serious, we are not kids and have not been for a while. Now im faced with the option of leaving, or staying. I love her dearly, and i want to marry her. But at the same time i cannot help but think of the next few years. I have a HUGE sexual appetite. And i dont know if i can do it, its not even just the sex. SHe is very moody etc, and i can handle that, but knowing i wont get treated nice for a while, or get any in bed, might be a bit much. Anyways, i guess im in a good position compared to most. Still, i find myself lost in circles.

November 10, 2011 at 1:09 pm
(543) shaun says:

Jay,
Leave her bro. You got many years ahead of youu. Way to soon to deal with a chick like that. Go have fun!
On anotherr note, sounds like some of you ladies need to get $-%*%* real good. Hit me up.

November 13, 2011 at 4:16 am
(544) DoneThat says:

Well I told you I would keep you updated….I’ve seperated from my husband. He refused to get the hormone test thing done and admitted to me that he was happy and wished I could just be happy like this. I’ve decided that I’m too young and too pretty and too sexual to live like this. If I were in my 50s maybe.
It’s sad as the ending of any relationship is sad. I made a list when I was at my lowest of how the lack of sex made me feel. Lonely, rejected, unloved, unwanted, ugly, undesirable, and all the paranoid thoughts it made me feel as a woman getting rejected by a man. And when this split is tough I look at that list again.
It doesn’t hurt that I had an incredible one night stand just after this. I won’t go into detail…but let me reassure you the sexual aspect of a relationship is just as important as any other aspect. If you don’t gel there it’s not worth it for me.
Good luck to everyone else as they look for answers. Therapy really helped me come to some realisations and I recommend it as a place to talk where you won’t be judged.

November 14, 2011 at 2:55 am
(545) ladybird. says:

@DoneThat: From one side I’m sorry to hear about your decision because it makes me think “Oh my God that can easily be how my situation resolves!” and from another side I feel happy that you found your way and it makes me think “maybe everything will be ok after all…”
Can you pls read my comment that I posted recently and tell me what you think, how similar are the stories?
The only encouraging thing for me at this moment is that I had a break down in front of my husband where I cried (after 3 years of not crying in front of him because of this) and explained to him how I feel and how much I want to make love to him again and have a baby at some point (I’m 31 now) and how important is that we try together to fix this and he also had tears in his eyes, was very sad and told me how much he loved me and that he wanty the same things like me and that he will find a private clinic where he can go to see a doctor specalist and go from there… Do you think there is hope for us? :(

November 14, 2011 at 8:58 am
(546) Beenthere says:

Donethat:
So, that was your decision. It seemed that you were leaning that way. I sincerely hope you find the right relationship (and also that your ex does, unless he wants to be alone all his life). I once asked a divorced man (during a previous crisis of mine) what one felt like at the point of wanting divorce, and he said: ‘Determined’.

I have never quite got to that state of complete conviction that ‘this is the right, indeed the only, thing to do’. I’ve always backed down from it. However, after bursting into tears last night, my usual assurances to hubby were pointless. This morning I just feel battered and stupefied by the whole thing. Not a good state for making a decision. Will get through Christmas as we agreed, and then ‘determination’ will have to be there, one way or another.

November 14, 2011 at 9:31 am
(547) Beenthere says:

A second thought, regarding what DoneThat said about accepting celibacy if she were in her 50s (‘maybe’).

When I first told a girlfriend about this many moons ago, she said to me, ‘I’m 56 and I’m not celibate’. And quite clearly, she couldn’t conceive of it.

The thing about age is that you always imagine you’ll feel differently in the future — or else you think you’ll stay the same, and both ideas held separately are wrong. I’m 43 now, and I’m again confronting a problem that last tore at me when I was 36. And that was after the initial reckoning when I was 30. Although, to be honest, I had suffered in my 20s as well. You see the point. I’m still me — and I’ll still be me 10 years from now. I’ll just have more wrinkles.

On the other hand, some things do change, especially if we encourage that change. Good or bad or just indifferent. The man I loved before (not my husband) has become, in the past dozen years, prematurely I think, an old man. He’s dried up and become a stiff in some ways, and I think that’s unfortunate for him. But I think he got that way in large part by choice. It wasn’t inevitable.

November 14, 2011 at 12:31 pm
(548) Me says:

Marriage without sex is just a friendship. If you aren’t able to connect to your spouse in a sexual way then there’s something wrong there. Sex takes effort and if your only willing to put effort into the other areas of your marriage then you’re going to have a lopsided marriage. Everyone needs intimacy and sex is part of that. I think people get lazy, they think they should be turned on by their spouse and that sex should happen naturally. The truth is that life gets in the way, you don’t always think of your spouse in the exciting way that you did when you first met. So now it takes a little effort to get the blood flowing… but if you cant do that for your spouse then you have no real reason to be married or to be in a “committed relationship”. Separate bedrooms is the lamest think I’ve ever heard of. Why not have separate homes as well? The last thing I want to do is go back to dating my husband when I’m now married and enjoying the closeness that a manogomous sexual relationship can bring. Are you people dillusional?

November 14, 2011 at 12:38 pm
(549) GIRL23 says:

I laugh so hard when I read people saying that sex is not important in marriage. I am an escort who makes tons of money from men who beg to differ. Too bad their wives seem to have convinced themselves that a sexless marriage works. After your husband finds me, he seems to agree. Ladies, your husband is still having sex… just not with you.

November 14, 2011 at 1:37 pm
(550) Beenthere says:

GIRL with a sad existence: Actually, since I *am* a lady, and my husband has no interest in anything but, I can assure you that he and other men like him bear no resemblance to your clients.

November 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm
(551) Beenthere says:

@’Me’ who says ‘marriage without sex is just friendship’: no, it’s a marriage. You must over-value sex a great deal if you think it makes a marriage, or that marriage can instantly devolve to ‘just friendship’ without it. Not incidentally, I believe that friendship in its truest form is the highest and best kind of human association. A relationship whose greatest claim to intimacy is that one partner puts his genitals into the other partner’s genitals is *not* the highest form of human association. It’s not even always the most pleasant.

November 15, 2011 at 9:01 am
(552) WearingTheTshirt says:

@Beenthere
Similar situation. My husband doesn’t do it for me; never has done and I always thought that somehow, with enough effort from me, I could teach him, that we would get there together. But I can’t teach spontaneity, and I can’t teach him to desire me, or to make me feel desired, the way other men have in the past. So, I push him away sexually because I can’t cope with doing it out of duty and not enjoying it. It makes me feel like a bad person. Not surprisingly, he recently started having E D problems. He drinks a lot. In the beginning the drink caused a lot of ED problems and I asked him not to approach me for sex unless he’d had less than 3 beers, because his touch would be heavy and painful and his erection would be worse than useless. So, he stopped approaching me for sex. He also never makes any suggestions about making this better; never mentions it, but says he loves me daily and tells me I am beautiful and that he wants me. Somewhere in my soul I don’t believe him.
Now I can’t make him want me without a little blue pill. I am 35. On the other hand, we have a lot of good things. We have real warmth, real friendship. And I don’t think I could have those same things with someone else. I don’t cheat because I don’t want to ruin what we do have and also, because I don’t want to just have sex with someone – I want intimacy too. The good sides of this relationship are a lot to loose. He treats me well, is kind, is caring, is intellectually interesting when not too much in his cups. Everyone tells us we are the perfect couple. I am about to start therapy… Even the idea of hurting him cuts me to the core, it hurts me so badly. I just can’t see a way through. Like you say, the question is, can I, would I, be able to find everything in one place? Love, sex, intimacy, companionship? On a good day, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad. On a bad day, I wonder if we only ever get 3 out of 4 and what, then, I’d be sacrificing somewhere else…

November 15, 2011 at 10:18 am
(553) Beenthere says:

@WearingtheTshirt (reply is in two parts):

Oh boy. What can I say? It stinks, is awful, feels like the queasiest kind of torment known to mankind. Trying to be sexy with someone that is not — and he’s your husband — is a thoroughly miserable experience. It doesn’t take much of that before you give up.

But the queasiest bit (for me at least) is not knowing that one is on the right path. You know: will I, three or five years from now, regret that I did or didn’t do X? The question is complicated or aggravated for those like me that were able to accept the status quo (complete chastity) for a period of years. I know that others would say: why don’t you just leave for god’s sake? But in the past, I found a way to be happy and even felt that chastity was a good thing and sex a fool’s paradise. In some way, I still believe it — or at least I feel suspicious of sex. And then I don’t even know how to weigh it or judge it: it’s been so long now that I don’t really remember it. So how can I be sure that such a relationship is really worth sacrificing for?

And even when desire feels overpowering, I’ve never got any wind in my sails to make a change: I always feel like I’m a boat sitting in doldrums — becalmed, to extend the metaphor, by all the good things, perhaps irreplaceable things, I have with my husband.

November 15, 2011 at 10:33 am
(554) Beenthere says:

To WearingTheTshirt — cont’d…

I feel that everything has to come from me, and I will be responsible for any decision made, and the whole weight is on me. But there isn’t enough to push me out — however agonized I feel at times, it’s never enough for a breakthrough. I don’t know what feelings to trust, and reason alone seems insufficient. I feel that there needs to be some other factor that pulls me out, not just me trying to push out. It’s all negative — it’s all going to a blank life of uncertainty and guaranteed loneliness until or unless that changes. There would have to be something good ‘to go to’. At present I would just feel like Godzilla stamping on everything.

In the end, I’ve come to the conclusion that I shall either be able to get beyond the unease I’m currently feeling, or I won’t get beyond it — and then I will *have* to make that awful rip that will hurt us all terribly. (I say ‘all’ because I’m devoted to my dog, who would stay with my husband.) I can’t spend the prime of my life feeling perpetually tense and uneasy.

So you are going to therapy? The woman writing here as ‘DoneThat’ said it helped. I don’t think it would help me: I’ve thought about this for a long, long time, from every angle, and what I need is a resolution.

P. S. I referred to ‘desire’ up above. But what I feel at present, after my failed non-affair of a year ago, is not really desire so much as distress. It’s not that I’m hot and in the mood, it’s that I feel tired, defeated, edgy, or just hurt in a visceral way.

November 15, 2011 at 10:57 am
(555) Beenthere aka Amanda says:

Sorry — me again.

I guess I can sum up everything — the way I see it — like this. If you feel that ‘a decision needs to be made’ because ‘I don’t want to live this/I’m not really happy in this situation’, and you’re still feeling that way after six months, twelve months, twenty-four months — then perhaps that in itself gives you your decision. Because you’re not happy enough.

BUT if in that time you can be just happy enough, then it may be worth sticking with because you may be on the path to feeling even more content with your situation. And then it would be foolish to break up, possibly with the outcome of leaving the frying pan only to burn in the fire. (I have seen enough of life not to be sanguine about how ‘things can only get better’.)

I am just watching my personal weathervane, every day, to see which way the wind is blowing.

November 15, 2011 at 11:26 am
(556) WearingTheTshirt says:

@Beenthere… in two parts…

I agree; the queasiest bit *is* the not knowing if it is the right path. I have managed to shut myself down, like you did, for 5 years, more or less; to subdue desire, to subdue the part of me which yearns to feel like a woman again. And now she is rearing her sexy head.
I felt like you did up until a few days ago, in the sense that I thought I had dried up sexually; I thought I had conquered it and I even wondered if it was me who was sexually dysfunctional in this relationship. But I had good sexual relationships in the past. I had one long relationship where the sex was always great, so I can say, hand on heart, that I am capable of having good sex in a long term loving relationship because I have that memory. I was actually intellectualizing, the other day that I should try out infidelity on the grounds that I want to find out if I can enjoy sex with someone else, but having thought about it, the proof is in the past… Whether I’m still that woman, however, I don’t know…

November 15, 2011 at 11:29 am
(557) WearingTheTshirt says:

(ah – our posts crossed… this was part II). I am going to think about what you say with regard to time after hitting the say it button on this…

Like you, there is never enough pain or even really a hint of abuse, other than his, of himself, in the drinking, to help me here. And everything would, likewise, be down to me. He’s not about to have an affair with anyone else, or be awful to me, or anything like that. Everything will be all my decision, all my fault. I hate that. Looking through this thread, I am astounded at how we all blame ourselves here. I know why I take responsibility for everyone else, their feelings, their actions; that is where the therapy has been useful, at least… Like you, until I started the therapy, I felt defeated and exhausted… I still feel defeated and exhausted, but oddly, it woke up the sexual side of me; a simple question… And now, to get the lid back on it, I guess. I am all out of ideas for sorting this with my husband. When I ask what he wants sexually, in the hopes of starting a conversation, getting somewhere, he says “to make you happy”. Whilst to many that would look like a great response, when it comes to the mechanics of it, he doesn’t listen and actually, it leaves no room for sexual intimacy. According to him, he does not have fantasies…

November 15, 2011 at 11:45 am
(558) WearingTheTshirt says:

I think the chilling thought, the chilling problem, is defining “happy enough”.
I don’t know who we are doing the biggest disservice: our partners our ourselves. How are we? Meh, we’re “happy enough…” Are we doing terrible things to ourselves by being “happy enough” or are we wise pragmatists?
I struggle, because like you, I know better than to expect too much… But what is enough? What is happy enough…
A question for us both to answer on our own, I sense. But I feel like my husband and I skating on the surface of the lake of marriage; not really letting ourselves sink in and drown in its depths… I think this has been his choice, even if he will not see it, or admit it to himself. He has chosen drinking over me and I have almost helped him chose that. I am terrified of being alone and so I have made myself “happy enough”. I know there are other men in the world who desire me; I can think of 4. Of those, I could only muster up any desire for 1, who is a casual acquaintance, but we meet somewhere on an intellectual level. I need something on that level… But I just couldn’t go down the infidelity route, I sense. On either the practical or the emotional level… I think the answers probably lay in figuring out what makes us stay, on an emotional level. What are they giving us, that we so desperately need, which we think can be found nowhere else? I can’t help wondering if I need to be treated badly in some way.

November 15, 2011 at 12:03 pm
(559) Beenthere says:

@ WearingTheTshirt:

I followed you — you made sense and could at times be my twin! — right up till the last sentence. I am convinced from what you’ve written that you are far too big-souled and serious about happiness to be in any way someone that ‘needs to be treated badly’. I don’t believe in masochism. Anything that looks like masochism in a healthy person is actually an expression of pain that one wishes would go away. Or it is simple victimhood, with no quick or easy escape hatch. (One must always try.)

Your husband’s drinking is a question mark, though it doesn’t sound as if it’s an obstacle but rather a salve. My husband and I both drink daily, and enjoy it — though I know that I stay up late at night often with wine because there’s no inducement to go into bed! However, that’s really beside the point.

So no problems with drinking, but on the other hand, my husband did give rein to a bad temper many years ago, and I almost left him over that. A family member told me that a leopard doesn’t change his spots — but he is a man not a leopard, and he did change. In fact, he would do anything in his power to keep me, though he has told me that I must not feel responsible for him, and that if I do want to leave, he understands and will not blame me. He just wants to know my decision. And he hopes it will be to stay.

November 15, 2011 at 12:22 pm
(560) WearingTheTshirt says:

@Beenthere;
Thank you – I admire the way you and your husband have been so honest with each other.
We tend to drink daily here too; the best of drinking buddies. I tend not to see it as a huge problem for me – but I find the amount of beer he gets through quite alarming sometimes. Like I say, never abusive or anything, and other than the ED (which he seems to think is unrelated – I disagree) not a main issue; another issue, a different issue.
The idea of needing to be treated badly in some way: this isn’t an idea I’m going to push particularly hard, but I suppose perhaps I am getting back to the idea that life has taught me to be pragmatic. Happy enough is what I am used to, it is my comfort zone. In that sense, “happy enough” is probably easier and more comfortable than happy. Happy enough, here, is safe. Happy, somewhere else, were I to believe that it existed (and I don’t know) might be fairly precarious. Here, I hurt, but I don’t get hurt. There, I don’t hurt, but the chances of getting hurt, in a new and different way, well, they must be real. Here, I know my devil.

November 15, 2011 at 12:48 pm
(561) Beenthere says:

@WearingTheTshirt:

There, you know your devil. Ain’t it the truth.

If only we could know the future — but we can’t. If someone would just turn the light on, we could see where we’re going. Instead we have to grope about in the dark and wonder whether the way forward is really the way forward or just going deeper into the cave. (As you can see, I have a fondness for analogy.[smile])

I should clarify that when I mentioned ‘happy enough’, it was a contingent state I was thinking of — a ladder on the rung to greater happiness that is truly worthy of the name (recognizing that nothing can be perfect in this life). After all, you’ve got to start somewhere. But if you remain in a merely somewhat happy-enough state, the danger is that you will back into this dilemma again, at a time in your life perhaps when you feel even less able to do anything about it than you feel now. In my five years of accepting chastity, the first year was one of heartfelt gratitude and the last four were outright acceptance and a rather jolly contentment. If I could have that once, surely I can have it again? And if not, when is the point when I do or should realize it?

By the way, I notice that we have not heard back from ‘Artist’. Also a situation very similar to ours, except in details. I wonder how she is doing.

November 15, 2011 at 8:22 pm
(562) Beenthere says:

Can anyone relate to this? — I feel that sex is definitely NOT something I want to see other people do, even acting/pretending to do. I looked at some book covers just now, and my response to the titles and pictures is pretty much prudish: or maybe I just don’t like books telling people in crude language what to do. (I didn’t mind doing things when I didn’t think about them, they happened spontaneously, and no one was looking — but that was 1000 years ago!). I feel rejecting. There is something very unsettling about this. Why would I say: ‘yeah, I want that’ when it seems… well, dirty? Undignified. Like playing in mud. Why would you want to? And yes, pigs may like playing in mud, but they’re pigs. I’m not a pig, I’m a very civilized human being.

I feel a bit conflicted about this. When I was a child I found the idea of sex incomprehensible. ‘You do what to what?!’ It seemed …not just obscene but lunatic. Totally irrational. It’s only hormones and ideals that make the obscene seem good and laudable. And it’s only a particular desired person that makes this bizarre behaviour seem sublime. And I need it to be something like sublime, which at its best I know it can be. I would want it at its best, with a desired person, or not at all.

But any way you slice it, it’s still a beast. That’s why people like transgression, the feeling of being beastly, because it’s allied with the very act of sex and our willingness to do it. Because if we were not beastly we would say ‘Are you kidding? Doing that is like swimming in someone else’s guts!’ (A charming image, is it not?) But then, to complicate things, it’s often a beast trying to be holy, holy beastliness. Beauty and the beast….

November 15, 2011 at 10:15 pm
(563) * says:

A comment found elsewhere, worth sharing:

“Monogamy is not just some pact where you agree not to see other people. It’s a declaration that you want to be the primary focus of your partner’s sexuality. If you don’t want to be, you’re not ready for a monogamous relationship.”

November 15, 2011 at 10:47 pm
(564) * says:

And this:

“Lots of competing assumptions about what’s “normal” and anxiety about why my particular situation isn’t.

Competing assumptions:

Sex is primarily for reproduction. The pleasure is a by-product.

Sex is the greatest physical and spiritual experience that two people can share with each other.

A good sex life is absolutely vital to a good marriage.

A good sex life is of secondary importance in a good marriage. Love and commitment come first.

Sex is about love more than anything else. If you love your spouse or partner, their physical and personality attributes won’t matter. People in love are just naturally attracted to each other.

Sex is about attraction and arousal. If you’ve gone fat, stopped paying attention to basic hygiene, and spend all your spare time watching reality TV, why are you surprised that you’re not getting any?

There are lots of others. Can anyone tell us which assumptions all this public chattering will validate, solving all our bedroom problems once and for all?

I’d say, just try to be kind to your spouse or partner and roll with the changes. If the other person and your relationship is important enough, you’ll find a way to make it work, with or without lots of sex. If this particular issue causes you discomfort – well, welcome to the human race.”

November 15, 2011 at 11:05 pm
(565) * says:

And this:

“For ten years I took the f*ck friend path thinking I was sophisticated, hey I don’t even know where the guy lives we always met at my place. He never acknowledge my birthdays, or holidays, never enjoy ttime just being together, never there in time of comfort.

We had fantastic sex but the depression of living such a hollow life finally led me to stop that friendship.

From my perspective married people who believe the grass is greener on the other side don’t ever see the rot going on under the lawn.”

November 15, 2011 at 11:48 pm
(566) Muse9999 says:

@hmmm

Thanks for the suggestion hmmm, I’ve ordered the book.

November 16, 2011 at 8:56 pm
(567) Wondering says:

The Horned One / The Devil (Tarot card):

‘The Fool comes to the foot of an enormous black mountain where reigns a creature half goat, half god. At his hooves naked people, linked to the god’s throne by chains, engage in every indulgence imaginable. The closer the Fool gets, the more he feels his own earthly desires rising in him. Carnal desires, hunger for food and power, greed and selfishness. “I have given up all such desires!” he roars at the Goat god, resisting the beast’s power with all his might. He is sure that this is a test of his new spirituality, one where he must prove that the temptations of the sensual world cannot sway him.

The creature responds to his defiance with a curious look. “All I am doing is bringing out what is already in you,” it responds mildly. “Such feelings are nothing to fear, nothing to be ashamed of, or even to avoid. They are even useful to helping you in your quest for spirituality, though many try to pretend otherwise.”

The Fool gestures angrily at the chained people: “You say that even though these are clearly enslaved to the material world?”

The Goat-god mimics the Fool’s gesture. “Take another look.” The Fool does so, and realizes that the chained collars the men and women wear are wide enough for them to easily slip off over their heads. “They can be free if they wish to be,” the Goat-god says, “They remain here because they want to be controlled by their base, bestial desires. There are, however, others….”

At this the Goat-god gestures toward the peak of the mountain. “…Others who have used these same impulses to climb to the highest heights. If they had denied their desires they’d never have got there.”

Hearing this, the Fool sees that he has mistaken the Goat-god. This is not a creature of evil, but one of great power, the lowest and the highest, both of beast and god. Like all power, it is frightening & dangerous…but it is also a key to freedom and transcendence’.

–from the Aeclectic Tarot website

November 17, 2011 at 4:44 pm
(568) Broken says:

Hello,
I have been reading this for two days now and there are some very painful stories. Painful because they hit so close to “home”. I apologize this is so long.

I come to you completely broken, ashamed, distraught, literally any negative comment I can say about myself I am feeling. I am looking for advice.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years, together for 10, no kids. She is, has, and always will be the love of my life. I cannot picture myself growing old with anyone else. She is absolutely perfect in EVERY way…except…you guessed it, sex. Now this is partially on her and partially (mostly) on me. I have gained weight since our wedding but she still claims she is sexually attracted to me. I am very sexually attracted to her, but sex is, well, boring. When we do have it (1-2 times per month), it is one position, barely any foreplay, little “passion” which is something I crave. I find it difficult to get aroused in the first place and also difficult to stay aroused during. The worst part is we have been trying to have kids. Every time we try to have sex and fail it ends up being a fight and we both get defensive.

…Continued

November 17, 2011 at 4:48 pm
(569) Broken says:

Page 2…

I have always been a selfish person. I am an only child and was very spoiled so I lived for the most part for myself, even after marriage. Lots of thoughts that it is “my money” or this is “my house”, etc. It has been difficult to let go of that selfish boy that had everything given to him. Having said that I am college educated and make a very good living. I provide for the two of us for the most part but she has a decent job as well. I also do housework, yardwork, laundry and things around the house, but I admit I could possibly do more. She cooks mostly but I always clean up after. Just so the details of who I am are out of the way…moving on.

I have always had what I now realize is a porn addiction, maybe even a sex addiction. I watched porn every day. Lately since the sex had been getting fewer and farther between, I have been looking at amateur/online dating sites instead of trying things with my wife. I met a few women virtually and had sexually explicit conversations with them. I felt guilty every time but told myself I would never do it in person. Well, after a bad month at home and another failed attempt at sex, I met the one that I was talking to the most about 8 weeks ago. She knew I was married and the only thing I lied to her about was my real full name. We had sex once time. I IMMEDIATELY felt extreme guilt and hated myself for it. It literally was the worst mistake I have made in my life.

I was dealing with whether or not I should tell her about it, but wasn’t going to before I left on a work trip for 2 weeks out of the country. I thought and thought and thought and had not come up with a conclusion.

…Continued

November 17, 2011 at 4:49 pm
(570) Broken says:

Page 3

Well, the day I landed back in the states, the woman I had met texted me (the only thing she truly knows of me besides first name) and she is claiming she is pregnant. We used a condom, but it did slip off. She said it could be another person’s too who she slept with 1-2 weeks later (real winner, eh?). But based on the timeline she thinks it is mine. I found it hard to believe because during the times my wife and I have been trying to conceive, I was checked out and found to have low sperm count.

I literally want nothing more to do with this woman and I told her that after we made the mistake. I have considered signing away my rights to this child but of course paying every dime of child support, which might be what she is after in the first place, a gold meal ticket. Trust me, support payments will be huge based on my salary.

This event has literally changed who I am though. I know for A FACT that my selfish days are over. I cleaned out ALL of my porn, deleted the account on the site, and closed the email address I had. I already told the few woman I was talking to that I am focusing on my marriage and will not be talking to them again. I have lost 12 lbs in 1 week (due to not eating much and exercising) and plan on losing much more. I am totally willing to give up ALL of my selfish habits to make this work.

…Continued

November 17, 2011 at 4:50 pm
(571) Broken says:

Last Page (I promise)

So, here I am. Sitting here hating everything about myself for what I have done and crying my eyes out when nobody is looking. I am now looking for advice on how to proceed.

Things I am contemplating are:
1) Divorcing my wife and never tell her about any of this. Yes, this will hurt her but likely not as much as it would if I told her what happened and then she can go on living her life and meet a guy who isn’t a total idiot. This is truly NOT what I want.

2) Coming clean with her and BEG for her forgiveness. As I said above I am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to keep my marriage. I just don’t know, if the kid is truly mine, if she will be able to go forward knowing this happened.

I realize so many of you are reading this and thinking “what a selfish a-hole” and “you get what you deserve”. If you feel compelled to write that, go ahead because it is 100% true. Nothing you can say to me will make me feel any worst than I do right now. I have even contemplated the “S” word. I am merely seeking some advice if anyone is willing to offer it.

Thank you,
Broken

November 17, 2011 at 10:11 pm
(572) Thoughts says:

Broken:

It would be presumptuous for anyone here to give you advice.
For one thing, we have our own problems. For another, even what you tell us is not enough information.

Having said that, here are some thoughts.

1. Your obsession with depictions of sex sounds to me like the need for escape, the need for meaning, and perhaps also the need for something intense, acute, here-and-now gripping. Do you want something riveting? How about transporting?

2. Being Mr Good around the house doesn’t help you because of your need to escape, find meaning, find something transcendent, etc. It also doesn’t do much for your wife emotionally because she senses (no doubt) your restlessness in the important respects.

3. Do you read books? Which books? Do you read only non-fiction or some novels as well? If you read novels, are they all contemporary?

4. Do you listen to music? Which music? What does the music seem to be about? Does the music ‘take you away’? Or does it tend to focus on the very subjects that give you feelings of guilt while also depriving you of your true soul-food?

5. What sort of friends do you have? None? — That’s better than having friends who are drawn to frivolous pursuits and never talk intently about anything — whether it’s sound-system wiring or beer or concerts or politics they’re passionate about. Do your friends or acquaintances reinforce what you think is good about you? Do they see what is good in you? Do you feel a bit ‘absent’ or ‘alien’ or distant when you’re around /talking to /e-mailing them?

6. What else in your life are you passionate about? Do these things or ideas get any time, any indulgence? Is there anything that you do (besides perhaps sex) that makes you forget about the passing of time?

Let us know.

November 18, 2011 at 8:30 am
(573) Broken says:

Thanks for the response. Here is some more information.
1. I don’t think I agree with this assessment. I very much like the reality in which I live in. Good job, nice house, dog, lovely wife, etc. I feel that since I was young I have always been obsessed with pornography. I do, however, enjoy “boy’s night out” or short weekend trips with the buddies.

2. I do think doing more would help. Maybe not to find meaning but to prove to myself and her that I am no longer that selfish kid that is only in it for himself. I honestly feel that.

3. Unfortunately I have never been much of a reader. I have thought about getting an eReader or iPad since I am enabled and fascinated by technology (plus it is my career). If I picked up reading I would typically be drawn to more non-fiction/historical type books.

4. I typically do listen to music. I listen to usually more up-tempo music and even heavy stuff (metal) to get my blood pumping. After the incident, however, I haven’t turned on my iPod once. It doesn’t interest me right now.

5. I have a good core group of friends and we are all alike on the surface. All married, most with kids, and like sports, concerts, golfing, etc. When we are out we look at and talk about women we see but nobody (that I know of) would pursue anything outside of their marriage. I do think that if/when they find out what I have done that they will drop me as a friend.

6. Other things I am passionate about. I love the game of golf and I get plenty of time to do that in the summer months. I am passionate about my career as well and plan on going back to school for graduate studies soon. Also, I still have the “kid” in me (I am 32) and play video games to pass time every now and then.

Thanks again.

November 18, 2011 at 11:05 am
(574) Thoughts says:

Broken:

It sounds then as though you will be happier if you devote yourself at least in part to being — more devoted! And devotion, as you know, has many aspects or means of expression.

I do have a bit of advice, as it happens. Consider it hard-won.

First, I would advise not to do something (or speak) because you think that ‘in this situation, I should do X because this situation requires/allows X as a matter of course’. So for instance you may feel that to be honorable you should tell a secret or reveal something. But I would analyze that assumption very carefully and think about all the consequences: sometimes secrets are better kept, since there is nothing to gain by the other person knowing but there will be lasting damage. So everything must be weighed up carefully and assessed on its own merits. Generally I would say: if in doubt, don’t: you can usually change your mind later, but once that bridge is burnt, it’s burnt! As long as you proceed in your thoughts with honorable intentions, you will know, whatever happens, that you sincerely meant to do good and not to do harm.

Second, given your statement of likes and activities, I’m not sure how much time (especially since you are also busy earning a living) you give to contemplating your problems / hopes / true thoughts. Of course one also needs to focus on things that are not problems, to keep perspective and enjoy the good life even while we’re in a mess. But I have known people who I think don’t give themselves enough time for silent, solitary reflection. And it’s much harder to get clarity — to see one’s situation accurately — without that deeply reflective time. In a busy life, it may be something you have to consciously strive for and protect by planning for it.

Good luck.

November 18, 2011 at 1:41 pm
(575) Broken says:

Thoughts,
Thank you for the advice. I know the “not burning bridges” approach would be easiest on her for sure and would ensure that we stay together, but what about if that child is indeed mine?

I had a lot of time the past few days to just myself which is why I have had such horrible horrible thoughts and feeling like it is over. But as rotten as I feel about this whole thing, I realize that there is NO CHANCE I will ever go back to that again and also served as a wake-up call that I need to live my life for other people first and myself second…to an extent.

November 18, 2011 at 2:41 pm
(576) Thoughts says:

Broken: Glad to help. Can you get legal advice — as soon as possible? I would want to know for sure what my position is.

Your belief that the past is past is what makes me think it may be better kept there: ‘let sleeping dogs lie’, as the saying is. Because the main thing is to get on with your renewed life (so to speak) as firmly and quickly as you can. ‘Old sins have long shadows’ is another saying (sorry), and you want to cut the sins off at the knees and keep their shadows short. That’s why, knowing what your commitments really are, if it were me I’d be talking to a lawyer.

November 20, 2011 at 5:57 pm
(577) bill says:

Reading through these comments im not alone :-)

November 21, 2011 at 2:15 am
(578) ladybird. says:

I’m in the dark please right now… Have been denying the truth and my reality for more than 3 years now, saying to myself that it will get better and that I’m lucky to have such a loving and caring husband…There are so many bastards around and I have a man who is gentle and loves me and takes care for me, he’s always there when I need him and he is my best friend. We hug and we kiss and express love to eachother every day.. Just we never, never make love :(

First 3 years it was great, we had the same sex drive and we both enjoyed making love. And than over night that changed… I believe that he was actually depressed in that period because he had a lot of problems at work and had to work without a day off for moths. His mood changed and became very dark and depressed, didn’t talk much and didn’t have motivation or energy to do anything when he was home..

But after 6 months he changed a job, we moved to a new place and we started to be happy again. He was again that optimistic and happy person that I fell in love with… And he still is…after 3 years. The only thing that never came back is his sex drive! He just lost his libido completely :( How is that possible!!!??? I do hope that he will FINALLY go to see a doctor (he promised me recently!)and that we will get some help… I don’t know what else to do!!????????????
I am 31 y old woman and I need to have sex from time to time, I need to feel like a woman and I want to have a baby sooooo much!!!! By the way, I believe I am very attractive and man looking at me on a regular basis and trying to make a move… But I always’ve been faithfull to him. Because I love him and because I know how much he love me.

What do you think about my story? Very strange, isn’t it?!?

November 22, 2011 at 10:57 pm
(579) Beenthere says:

I don’t know what to say, Ladybird, since there are so many aspects or considerations. One reason I could stay with my husband was that I DIDN’T want a baby. Although I think any child of his would be wonderful, the fact is that I would not want a baby via baster, and I would not want a baby by hook and crook with a man who was not sexually inspiring to me. My complete aversion to the idea of children is part of what has kept us together.

But you DO want a baby. Do you really want a baby with this man? How committed is he to you and how much does he want a baby, too? These are essential questions. If he loves you, he must do his part to keep you together, not only for your sake and his but also for the child’s. The effort, the love and concern, should not all come from you. You will need all the closeness and mutual love you can muster if you are to raise a child together. Do you think that what you have together can see you through? What will you do if your husband fails to ‘rise to the occasion’ sexually, not only in fathering a child but in being the lover you crave?

You asked earlier for advice from ‘Donethat’. I can only note that her marriage, now dissolved, seemed less loving than mine: she felt unwanted and undesirable. Whereas I know that my husband loves me above everything in his life save his own self. He thinks I’m beautiful, not only in the conventional sense but because he loves my soul, my mind, my essence. He thinks I’m the best person he’s ever met. Do you feel that way about your husband? And does he feel that way about you?

What do you want most out of life?

November 23, 2011 at 3:27 am
(580) ManOnTheEdge says:

Gee Wizz…. I typed “we have not had sex for four years” and it took me to this…some very heavy and depressing(but at the same time strangely comforting) discussion.
I am a 39 year old male with a good job, and I am physically and socially in good shape. I believe I am good looking(I guess) and certainly get along well with most people. Because of my situation I have quite a few good looking female friends. I crave their attention and they make me feel better about myself.
This in turn depresses me and makes me feel like a dishonest, grubby and cheating piece. I have a beautiful partner and a beautiful little boy. Perfect in most ways….except we have not had sex in four years. We have been together for 11 years now and have probably had sex 3 times in the last 7 years.
All I think about is having sex with other women and most of them are close female friends. I drink heavily probably once in every six weeks or so at a party or something and there have been times when I have been very tempted to cheat on my partner with someone else. I know if I ever did I would not be able to cope with the guilt.
About 5 years ago I had a fifteen minute, very drunken grope session with a female friend and it took me a year to forgive myself……HELP ME!!!!! What do I do?? Have an affair? Ask a good female friend for some sex to help me????Get a prostitute??? My partner is not a sexual person in any shape or form at all. PLease give me some advice. Cheers

November 23, 2011 at 8:24 am
(581) ladybird. says:

@Beenthere
Thank you for your comment.. I don’t know what is exactly your story except for the part that is obvious from the content of this forum, but the fact that you didn’t want to have a baby made it easier for you to stay married to a man that you obviously respect and love. In my case, I DO want a baby and I am 100% sure that my husband does too. Not only because he told me that recently but because from the beginning of our relationship that was something that we wanted together, something we talked about and looked forward to. To have children, our family… But than hapenned whatever it is that hapenned to make him lost his sexual desire and I would say ability to respond to those kind of feelings. It must be or hormonal problem or psychological problem. Don’t have other explanation. Before he was completely “normal” man, with “normal” sex drive and he was great lover..

November 23, 2011 at 8:24 am
(582) ladybird. says:

He is also so nice with kids, like with children of our friends or family members, very gentle and patient and he would be a great father. I see sadness in his eyes in those moments where I can tell that he wants a baby as much as I do.
He is definitely a man that I would like to grow old with and I know he feels the same. he is very committed to me and does all possible things to make up for what he’s not giving me (sex). What you said about your husband and the way he feels about you, it could easily be said for my one as well. He shows me his love in many, many ways..
Those are all the reasons why I’m still here and don’t even consider leaving at this stage of my life. It would be so easy to walk away and start a new life if he was not that great, if he was not the one who gives me everything and more. If he made me feel unloved, I would just leave… I am a strong person and I know I could be on my own and start from the beginning. But I don’t want to leave! I want to make it work, I want to fix his “condition” and I want to spend my life with him and have a family.
The only reason why I could decide to leave is if more years would pass and nothing would change and I would have to make a decision or to stay and accept not having children or leave and have children with somebody else or maybe never meeting anybody I want to settle down with and end up alone…without HIM and without children…. Definitily don’t want that!
I don’t know….I still have hope…I have better days… and I have dark days. The time will show.

November 23, 2011 at 10:53 am
(583) Beenthere says:

Ladybird:
You say that ‘the time will show’. In a case like yours (and mine), I’m not so sure about that. I realized (as now) that I wanted or needed one other factor to tip the scales, one way or another, since I was so evenly balanced between feeling that I wanted more out of life and feeling that I had everything I had any right to expect or reasonably hope for. The other factor never arrived. It might have arrived if I’d fallen in love with someone that was available to me: but he wasn’t.

However, your case is very different from mine in that you want to be a mother. I hate to be unkind, but I’m sure you know that your chances of conceiving drop precipitously in your 30s — you really don’t have a lot of time. I do wonder how your husband thinks you will achieve a baby if he doesn’t want to do the deed — not only the times it takes for that but also to be your lover.

Of course, if you left him — and it sounds as though you are not emotionally up to doing that right now — you would then have to find someone else, and not be too slow about it. But you are at a good age for doing that (much better off than I am at 43). If you left now, you’d leave with great youthfulness on your side and without the impediment of what would end up being ‘someone else’s baby’. You would be much more attractive as a partner to a new man if unencumbered in that way.

But if you wait, somehow manage to have a baby with your husband, and then find that you’re still not happy with him (maybe less than ever: new parents often find that their marriage is less happy even while they love the child to bits) — you will then have to leave him being X years older, less fertile in the event that you and a future partner want a child of your own, and less youthful by that much, as well.

November 23, 2011 at 10:54 am
(584) Beenthere says:

To Ladybird … cont’d

In more general terms, I think that ‘loyal lovers’, like you and I, are really in an impossible position. It’s not just that ‘there’s no easy way out’: we’re in an impossible position. Anything we do will feel like an amputation and a savage loss.

We are like a person in a camp with many good things in it but lacking one; we hear rumours that over a snow wasteland far in the distance there is a lusher valley with everything in it, including that one we miss. And we are free to go in search of that valley — BUT, if we go out and find it’s a snowy wasteland and the camp we arrive at has even less than the one we left, then guess what? We can’t go back.

November 23, 2011 at 11:06 pm
(585) ladybird. says:

@Beenthere
I read your comment 5 times, than sat in silence for 10 min and than felt the tears in my eyes.. Not because you were unkind or offending me in any way but because everything you wrotte was the truth.
Specially at the end where you describe how impossible our position is…I can sign every word you wrotte, exactly how you said, whatever we do..feels like a great loss. I really don’t know how can I even make a decision like that, from one side I have this life that I should be gratefull for with just one thing missing. Everyday I think about this and how I should be thankfull and when comparing with many other people who are suffering, who are poor, who are lonely, who are sick, who love somebody who is an abuser or a cheater or an addict or…I realise how happy and blessed I am. I have a good life and a man who is kind and gentle and hard working and loving, who makes me laugh every day…
But than there is that one thing missing. The important thing. It’s not just the sex, it’s the connection between two people, it’s the feeling of beeing attractive, beeing a woman…and of course a way to make a baby.
I wonder if we can have it all. Don’t think so. We can see those kinds of lives only in Hollywood movies with happy endings but in the real lives…there is always something missing.

November 23, 2011 at 11:18 pm
(586) ladybird. says:

Sometimes I even think there must be some reason why is this hapenning to me. I had another long serious relationship before my husband where the situation was JUST the oposite!! I loved that man more than anything in the world, I was young and gave my all to him..and we were together for few years. But he (now I realise that) never really loved me, didn’t respect me and didn’t appreciated me, he loved the sex and the sex was the most important part of our relationship. He used to be so proud about his lovers skills, he wanted us to have sex every day and sometimes few times per day and that was never really my thing and it was too much. But I never said anything…I just went along…to make him happy. Because I loved him. The best thing that happened to me in life (even if at that time I thought my life is over) is that he left me.
Funny how the life turns out. And than the sky sent me this wonderfull man who became my husband. And for a while I had everything. And than…we lost that one thing…
You see how strange is all of that…so I think it must be the reason why…I just don’t know what that could be.
I have almost a feeling of panic while I’m writting all this because those are my secrets that I never shared with anybody…

November 23, 2011 at 11:25 pm
(587) ladybird. says:

continued..
And I am well aware of my age. Still young BUT… In my late 20s I was able to push all this somewhere in a place where I didn’t have to think about it, I didn’t have to cry about it and I didn’t have to worry… I would just say to my self: everything is going to work out fine, everything is going to be ok! But than came that 30th birthday, celebrated in style with all my friends and a smile on my face. And soon after that the things start to come out from that secret place and I just couldn’t push them away again.. And I started to worry from time to time, than I started to cry sometimes, than I started to worry more and cry more, than I started to have nightmares and than when came the 31st birthday…..I started to panic.
So, that’s my story. And now I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. Thanks for reading and “listening”, at least I finally shared all this with somebody :)

November 24, 2011 at 11:34 am
(588) charles abunaw says:

i do not see any problem with a couple not having sex at all. i hold the view that there are other things that make e a marriage happy and fun .sex is necessary but not indispensable .those who greatly advocate sex are simply perverts who cannot control themselves . we are not animals.i am sick and tired of this sexually perverse world with all this you cannot lead a happy life without sex . I don’t believe that stuff . if you want to continue having sex like rabbits that is your problem but do not tell me someone cannot live happily without sex . there are so many happily married couples out there not having sex like animals .at least everyone is entitled to his opinion.

November 27, 2011 at 3:23 pm
(589) Baldheaded Fool says:

Let me start out by saying that these discussions are often too partisan – blaming the man only. There is always problems with BOTH partners. We must get away from this idea that women are all victims/angels and men are devils in today’s western societies. Unfortunately, men are trained from an early age by western society to be poor communicators and not to be introspective. So there is rarely a clear understanding of why men do the things we do or don’t do. Therefore, men take a lot of heat for things they themselves don’t even understand why it happened. Secondly, speaking of western society, changing gender roles are a major unspoken factor in sexless relationships these days. Traditionally throughout most of human history men have been the primary hunters and providers for their families. Part of “hunting” involves the pursuit of women. We enjoy the sporting aspect of the chase. Unfortunately, modern women have changed this dynamic quite a bit. For one, the chase is not much of a chase anymore since women are more readily available for sex than ever. You would think this would a turn on for men but for many its actually a turn off or at the very least unfulfulling sex. We like a challenge. Thus, why starving people in developing countries have more active sex lives than we do. Second, changing gender roles in the workplace, home and the general public have negatively affected men’s confidence levels causing them to either withdrawl sexually or be more aggressive sexually in an effort to “tame” the modern woman. Thus the popularity of cheating, watching women get objectified & dominated in porn, and also the bad boy type these days. These days women want their cake and eat it too. They want a man that’s wild in bed but domesticated in every other area of life. But life doesn’t work that way. You can’t expect a lion that’s been caged up in a zoo to have the same prowess that one in the jungle has. The caged up one may live longer but he is far less happy.

November 28, 2011 at 10:23 am
(590) DONETHAT says:

to the woman who asked my advice…I can’t really give you any. It’s a deeply personal decision. If he is looking at getting tested and wanting to work it out than that’s a positive thing. I wish you the best and I really hope you go to counselling. Having someone non judgemental to listen to me helped so so much. It’s hard to talk to him because you don’t want to hurt him and you don’t want to talk to others because it’s embarrassing. Having a therapist really really helps.

BEENTHERE – you’re right….I don’t think I could do it in my 50′s either. I love him very much as a person and I will for the rest of my life. he will always be one of my dearest closest friends. I could no longer let myself be depressed, insecure, unhappy, rejected, etc.

I read here from someone else “the idea that you’ll find someone with all the wonderful qualities that your spouse has plus the same sex drive as you is unlikely” but I don’t believe that. That’s choosing to live your life in fear. Fear of the unknown, what it will bring. There are days when I think I will never find someone else and there are days when it’s nice to look around and think of every single man as a potential partner.

I essentially came to the decision that either we stay together and he changes, we stay together and I just put up with it, or we separate. Saying it outloud first to myself and then to him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I really recommend therapy to support you in this decision and to work through the feelings you have.

November 30, 2011 at 5:18 am
(591) ladybird. says:

@DoneThat:
Thank you for your comment! I know that every case is different but I do believe that at some point I will also come to the one of those 3 possible scenarios: 1. we stay together and he changes, 2. we stay together and he doesn’t change and I live the life beeing unhappy or 3. we sperate.

With all my hart I hope it will be that 1st one! And what gives me hope is that he does want to get better and be able to “function” again, that he promised to me he will go to see a doctor, that he does want to have children with me and that before all this went to hell, he was a “normal” man with a “normal” sex drive.
So, those are the things that give me hope…
But I do feel like we don’t have a lot of time and I know that within next year or two this situation need to be resolved, one way or the other. I cannot go on like this forever and definitely don’t want to spend another 5-10 years just waiting for something to change and than end up beeing older and maybe even loose the possibility to become a mother! I will have to give him a chance to see if somethis really is going to change and if doesn’t….I will have to make the most difficult decision of my life!

December 1, 2011 at 4:01 am
(592) college says:

I am 19 years old, I have been in 2 relationships, and 1 of them, which lasted for the last 2 years was sexually active. Might sound silly to some of you, but the fact is that when we started having sex, our relationship became stronger than ever, also the trust that we had, and the chemistry that sparked up. The fact is that when we became sexually active, all our friends (without knowing we were) began to tell us what great couple we were. Ultimately we began having teenage relationship issues and obviuosly the sex stopped. Then we broke up.
Im just saying that it seems to me that sex, and even more, making love with the person you are sharing your whole life with (I haven’t been in this situation, obviously) is something that is completely needed.

I’ve always thought of sex as the way to keep the flame going, to maintain that silly teenager love experience flowing between the couple. I know that there are other things needed in a marriage such as trust and tolerance etc. BUT you can never rule out physical attraction, it is just not possible.

To all the people that are saying that a sexless marriage is great, i think that is complete and total nonsense.

December 2, 2011 at 10:14 pm
(593) OhMy says:

I agree with ‘College’.
YOU CAN’T FIGHT THAT PHYSICAL ATTRACTION. As much as you want to, you cannot fight mother nature.

Not only is sex much needed in a marriage. It is a NECESSITY. For those of you who ‘don’t have sex’. Sit back and really take a look. Ask yourself these questions… Is my spouse really happy without sex? Is he/she having sex without me? Is my other half complacent because he/she knows I don’t care for sex?

I’ve been married for almost 30 years. I AM SEX DEPRIVED. When you go for 2, 3 or 4 months at a time without sex in a marriage, that’s a problem. I am constantly wrestling with the thought of another woman. Fortunately, I have so far been able to resist that urge.

If a marriage is going to work, BOTH PARTNERS MUST BE HAPPY.

I may be getting older but I’m not dead. As a very ALIVE male, there are NEEDS. Not just “wants”..

December 4, 2011 at 5:47 am
(594) Chris says:

Hi all.Have read all comments and understand and agree with most.However I have a couple of questions.If someone,man or woman,truly loves their wife/husband who has a high sex drive,but has little or none themselves,does love not compel you to satisfy their need with your hands.Dont mean in a mechanical way,I mean with real love and feeling just as you might gently and lovingly massage their aching tired shoulders.I know its not making love but thats what I would do for my wife if I had no sex drive but she had,true love looks for the other persons interests doesnt it?By the way I have recently seperated from my wife of 28 yrs.I am getting counselling for the abuse I have suffered from her.Many of you express how difficult it is to live without sharing the sexual intimacy with your partner and how being without that is driving you crazy .Has any of you been in the situation were your partner took and took from you for their own satisfaction,no matter how you were feeling or wether you wanted them to, then turned over and went to sleep leaving you feeling… well you can guess.I have come to understand this is sexual abuse,there is more but Im not up to saying it yet.

December 4, 2011 at 10:03 pm
(595) thismighthelp says:

It isn’t as hard as you might think — to deal with a lack of sex, that is. I’m a guy, and I guess I have a standard sex drive for someone my age (late 20s). My wife does not, and when we have had sex — it’s out of pity for me, which I find out afterward. And since she’s simply not into it, she’s not “ready” physically — and it hurts her. Because of these factors, I just deal with it. I used to ask for it, now I don’t — what’s the point? If she gives in because she feels guilty, it hurts her — and I do NOT want to hurt her — not for something as insignificant (aside from procreation purposes) as having sex (in the long run). If she has sex with me, I want it to be because she wants to. It’s selfish of me to only think of myself, and I feel like an animal about it. Loving someone is about putting them and their needs first.

On another note, because we do not ever want kids — no harm, no foul. I love my wife, and in some ways, I feel closer to her without sex. (I haven’t told her this.) I feel I can express myself in other ways, and these ways have continually become apparent to me – sort of like someone losing their sight, but becoming heightened in other senses. Sex is something you learn to live without. As with all things in life, the strong adapt and get stronger when facing adversity, and the weak get weaker. I have tended to focus on other goals in my life — my music career, my art and writing, and my bodybuilding goals. So for those going through this, know that there’s more to life AND your relationship than sex (assuming that the celibacy isn’t due to marital problems). I’m young, considered attractive, and in my sexual prime, but it is what it is. Hang in there!

December 5, 2011 at 2:58 pm
(596) TheTruth says:

For all of you whose spouses don’t want to have sex with you anymore, I would suggest you take a really hard look at yourselves. What behavior or characteristics have you displayed over the years to “break” your spouse? I bet some of you (not all) have broken the emotional connection with your spouses and now they are completely turned off by you. When two people meet and are attracted to each other sexually, in most cases, it doesn’t just STOP for no reason. Something has happened to break the bond. Many people have to have a scapegoat, always someone else to blame…take a look in the mirror!

December 6, 2011 at 10:57 am
(597) Preaching to the Choir says:

@596 TheTruth:

I did take a good long hard look in the mirror. Before I “blamed” him I did everything I could to “fix” myself. The problem was – I wasn’t the problem.

I adjusted my attitude, my expecatations, the way I looked, the way I dressed, the way I talked. It wasn’t that I had been neglecting myself before, but I did make every effort to do even better. And once I did, my spouse still didn’t want me, but other men did!

Honestly, that was the kicker for me. Especially being a bigger woman (and my ex is a bigger man, so it wasn’t just a weight issue). But having other men find me attractive let me know that the problem wasn’t just me!

There are many reasons that sex stops in a relationship. I know this now. But your response seems to be one that puts all the blame on one person: if there wasn’t something wrong with YOU then you’d still be having sex.

How judgemental and cruel. Because if you’d really read this thread, you’d know it’s something we’ve all considered: Is the problem me? Is it something I’ve said or done? What can I do to fix this? What more can I do that I haven’t already done?

And over time, we’ve come to realize that it isn’t just us. It truly does “take two to tango” and when we’ve done everything we can then it’s time to stop looking in the mirror and start seeing the bigger picture.

December 6, 2011 at 12:28 pm
(598) terrible2 says:

well im amazed at the comments of rooms on the “other wing” of the house and sexless marriages. i was married once to a lady 15 years older than me i was 20 she was 35,we had 2 wonderful sons together but grew apart.we seperated after 7 years as sex was just an “on and off then sleep” situation for her.i then spent 4 years on my own with the odd one nighter with a old school freind.i worked 70 hours a week so for the 4 years my social life was out the window so masterbation approx 3 times a week was a way of life for a long time.ive now been with a wonderful lady for 3 years and had a great sex life of around 5-7 times a week she is also very fulfilling at the time of the month and we find other ways.
its sad that so many people give up as ive had more passionate times in my thirties than in my teans! we have even lived out fantasies of an “extra guy” or couple,attended swingers parties,nudists beaches regular. DONT give up if your just existing with in a non passionate relationship i would suggest moving on.after 3 years with this amazing women we intent to get married in may 2012-good luck guys!

December 9, 2011 at 1:36 pm
(599) Leigh says:

Sexless Marriages/relationships ARE bad relationships. It doesn’t matter how much you love him or her, part of your NEEDS are not getting met. Your values do NOT match up entirely. Do not brush it under the rug! ‘If you were a fish and needed gills to breath, would you date a non-fish and then say your gills were not really necessary, and try to find another way to live despite NEEDING your gills to live a happy life?’ Silly example, but you know what I mean. Sex and Intimacy IS important. Quit acting like it’s not, sure you CAN endure a marriage and relationship without it (humans can endure a lot), but why would you want to-or why ‘should’ you? You only get 1 chance at happiness in this life. Even if someone has everything you want, but you have NO sex life/intimacy with them, then they are NOT the best for you. They are not the best for you, even if you have kids, even if you’ve been together 40 yrs, even if you can’t bear the thought of leaving them. Not if they are unwilling to accept your needs & work with you or get counseling. People need to make it a PRIORITY. All these people are carrying around this secret shame, but they are not being their true selves. Sure, it’s tough, but communicate with your partner. Give them an ultimatum. If they still can’t get on board, have enough strength & love for yourself & your happiness to leave and go on your own. If you’re still in a relationship, decide how much sex and intimacy, you can and can’t live with. Know that before you get in the relationship, or work on finding out-right now. Stick to your guns. It’s really that simple. Like a few people mentioned above, they left, & even if they were still single, they were a lot happier. There’s something about being on your own, and having the opportunity to find what you need & want that makes life look a lot more positive & happy. If you ever study the psychology of love, it makes sense, humans can have multiple loves. You owe it to yourself to be happy.

December 10, 2011 at 4:29 am
(600) After20Years says:

So after 20 years my wife has came to me with the fact that she just dosent want to have sex ever again, no kissing, no real touching. That she loves me but is just not into it. And she says “its not you”. We’ve been having fights for years over sex, I want it sometimes, she never wants it, and when she did, it “was a chore” according to her. This blows, we have a good realtionship other than that, but I cant just push this under the rug and ignore it. Im a good person, totally provide for, and care, and I love to be with my partner, and watch everythign explode in there eyes. I feel like a jackass for saying I have to leave, but I just cant see never having sex again. :( Thanks Leigh for your comments, makes me feel a little bit better. Im not a bad person, and need to feel wanted again, and not just a provider.

December 10, 2011 at 9:04 am
(601) Dave says:

Well I am in the same boat as some of the guys here. My wife has had mental problems and was raped when she was younger she was also mulested. I have big sex drive I think. 2 or 3 times a week at least. She on the ohter hand dose not want it almost ever. She tells me I think of her as a sex object.. Well I guess it is kinda true. I think she is hot after being together 13 years I love touching her and doing things to her.. Well she dose not. Oral sex is gone. It is basicly get in get off get out anymore when she wants to do it. When she decides she needs sex it is good, minus the oral and forplay… I have cheeted because of this. I feel bad about it. I was not raised this way. I read on here and find it hard to believe that there are so many girls that want it more than there guys.. WOW sorry. I just do not know what to do. I would love her to wair skimpy things around the house when the kids are gone. Let me play with her things like that, I am starting to forget what her boobs feel like. Anyway thank you for letting me vent. Merry Christmas every one

December 10, 2011 at 9:37 pm
(602) MissMissIt says:

It’s sad that so many of us are out here, living the secret, shame-filled lives we’re living. On the surface, everyone thinks my husband and I just have it all—wouldn’t they be surprised! We’ve been married over 20 years, have kids who are young adults, have worked hard to survive and build the life we have, but we’ve been missing sex and intimacy for most of our marriage. We’re both to be blamed. He had ED problems prior to meeting me, and it reared its ugly head full force about 7 years into our marriage. The whole cycle of trying to have sex, him getting angry/disgusted with himself for not being able to perform or blowing seconds after getting in if he goes that far, me trying to reassure him, me being unsatisfied and frustrated…years of this has made us both avoid sex and now intimacy of any sort with each other. It’s really sad what we’ve come to in this so-called marriage. I don’t know what’s in store for us. Just try to keep going on by staying busy with work and everyday life going. Can’t say it’s the most satisfying way to live, but it could be worse. I’m just so, so sad and frustrated sometimes.

December 11, 2011 at 12:59 pm
(603) Will says:

One thing I find odd is how people always make the claim that sex urges are ‘natural’, therefore sex is ‘natural’, and therefore we shouldn’t question the urges or how we act on them. But to me, that’s not nearly good enough. Just because something is natural does not mean it isn’t nasty. Being natural doesn’t make it good. Defecating is natural, so are heartworms in dogs, so is laziness. We combat these things or keep them hidden or refuse to build our lives around them. The body is often disgusting, and the closer you get, the more disgusting it is — see Gulliver’s Travels and the description of the giant woman’s breasts etc.

Animals can only do what comes naturally. Humans to be human need a different kind of naturalness, a thinking naturalness, a naturalness compatible with reason. To be merely ‘natural’ is not enough for a human being.

December 11, 2011 at 5:03 pm
(604) Jessica says:

Wow, happened upon this and had no idea there were so many others who feel as Ii do. I have been married for 30 years, and my husband also has no interest in sex. He has gone to the doctor, tried patches, etc but would be happy if I also didn’t care about sex. I am 60, but not dead, in good shape, etc. I also feel ugly, unattractive and VERY frustrated. Wish I had the nerve to leave but feel it’s too late. Can’t believe that this is the way it will be and would actually have an affair if I met someone (frankly I think my husband would be fine with that, as long as he didn’t know and I stopped talking about sex). So very sad-way too young to be this old.

December 11, 2011 at 7:45 pm
(605) AtomicDawg says:

To Jane and all the other frigid women; How dare you lure a man into a relationship under false pretenses! You are no better than a liar and a cheat! If you dont like sex to begin with, do us all a favor and find a nice eunich to marry. If he’s bad in bed, teach him. If your desire stops, find a way to get it back. To not at least try is being lazy and ignorant. If you simply cannot hold up your end of the marriage bed, let him go! He is in MISERY…..I guarantee! You will be doing him a favor!
My wife is a lazy, sexless slob, too. All of a sudden, she has no desire. I dont think she ever did. She just wanted someone to give her a few babies, then send me off to make money like a common slave. Well, I get the last laugh. After 22 years of marraige, I stopped showing all affection, and any attention to her. NOW its matters! Well, its too late! She lost my heart, and when the kids leave, she’ll lose me! Oh, I’ll be blamed, but in her heart, she’ll know that all she had to do was be interested in me.

December 12, 2011 at 2:56 am
(606) sumrblzrd says:

***DONT TAKE ME IN A NEGATIVE WAY BUT I JUST FELT LIKE I HAD TO POINT THIS OUT***

*note I am 18, I live in north America

I am guessing and probably am correct that most of these comments are from people living in western (mainly north american society)

Now when people blame islamic countries for covering themselves up and stuff… u do realize this is for their own sexual liberation?

let me explain…

MANY of you have been desensitized or complain about how the opposite sex not being attracted to you or not having enough sex.

Humans were/are sexual beings, it is a NEED for every human being, regardless of race/gender/beliefs etc etc.

when people are constantly bombarded by sexual content in media/everyday clothing, people become, sad to say, immune to it.

during ramadan muslims refrain from sexual activities, and fast (sunrise to sunset)…. this allows the body to regenerate the cells, and pretty much drives the libido down and when you come out of this state and start going back to the previous norms, your libido is restored to a healthy state.

Those first 2-3 comments I think are fake just to trigger people to start commenting and stuff..

also,now no one needs to go the extreme when it comes to clothing and when it comes for your spouse, spice things up.

the one advice I can give to the men/women here…. be confident, you are beautiful, let no one judge you, if u feel low about yourself, what positiveness do you expect to get out of it?

I am not trying to preach any religion but just giving people an insight as to what the other side of the world thinks.

btw I am 18 years old, like seriously I never imagined my life without sex… I know I am in my teens and all, but woah woah, some of the comments left here are SCARY!!!

December 12, 2011 at 7:49 am
(607) falparsi says:

Like you guys, I need to vent!

I am a 25 year old lady engaged to a 30 year old man. We’ve been living together for 2 years now. I have never loved someone as much as I loved him.

Sex life. God. I don’t even know where to start. He was my first. The honeymoon phase was very good, but then again I have nothing else to compare it with so I really don’t know how ‘good’ it was. After 5 or 6 months of the relationship, the frequency of sex dropped. On our first year, we only had a second round of sex once but I was okay with it. The quality of sex we had at that time was AWESOME anyway. After having a flat of our own, (ladies, you might think it would be paradise but no, it wasn’t) frequency dropped to 3-4 times a month. I think it is also my fault because I do my best to please him even my satisfaction was not being met. So he can have an orgasm with my help and his porn more than 4 times in a month, which I think is quite unfair to me.

At first I thought that he no longer find me unattractive, but hell no. Though I am not a model kind of girl, I assure you that I am quite an attractive lady. (I’m not bragging) And then I thought that perhaps I was not good in bed (he prefers playing his games than playing with me) due to lack of experience, but hey, is it possible to be kinky (which he enjoys) and not to be good in bed? I don’t think he is gay or having an affair (he’s so boring).

You see, I love this man, I really do. I want to marry him, he’s a very good person. He is just becoming really selfish in bed. I’m tired polishing his knob whenever I have my monthly period because I want to please him and I’m also tired initiating sex whenever I want to connect with him.

I don’t know what to do though. Sex is important for me in a relationship, but I don’t want pity-sex. I know he doesn’t want me to be unhappy but instead of making me happy, I know he’ll just let me go. God, this is difficult. Yes, I am sexually frustrated.

December 13, 2011 at 2:18 pm
(608) Dave says:

well, I typed in to Google ‘girlfriend not interested in sex’ and this behemoth thread cropped up. Wow. So many people out there with the same issues. It makes me sad.

My position is as follows: my girlfriend and I rarely have sex, it must be a month since we last indulged. At times in our 5 years together it’s been 6+ months between sessions; this makes me very upset and stressed. But what puzzles me more is that she is desperate for a child; yet never seemingly instigates sex or responds positively when I suggest it or make overtures.

I simply can’t get my head around it and it is making me doubt my place in this relationship. I am giving serious thoughts to ending it. Does she love me? I think she does, but without being able to ‘lose control’ and allow sex to become a regular part of our relationship. Do I love her? I care for her hugely; I don’t want to see her upset, it makes me sad. But ultimately I feel I am not getting what I want and need from this relationship.

December 13, 2011 at 2:19 pm
(609) Dave says:

(cont…)

We’re both in our early 30s so in our prime pretty much. I do work unsociable hours which means we rarely see each other in the week, but on my days off we see as much of each other as possible. I make her meals, get some wine in, we go for walks or out for a drink but more often than not she’s in her PJs by 8pm and in bed by 9.30pm – with the sole intention to sleep.

I really don’t know what to do. I truly am torn between breaking out or hunkering down and accepting it as normal.

I am just so confused. She has some underlying issues with her family that make her fell very insecure about herself, and whilst I try to support her through this (she’s on anti-D’s at present) at times it’s as though I’m acting as her protector/father than a lover. Unfortunately she lost her dad a few years ago; a matter that (I feel) her and her remaining family have failed to ever confront or talk about.

Even just writing this is helping me. It’s making me see that perhaps for my own sanity and esteem I need to end this relationship.

I’ll stop now before I ramble on incoherently for even longer.

December 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm
(610) moving on says:

I am glad to have read the first many messages on this page as a reminder of why I am getting divorced tomorrow.

I like many others married a wonderful talented kind loving man that I fell in love with. We get along enjoy each others company and have shared a lot.
In the beginning sex was great, maybe not as frequent as I might have wanted in a brand new relationship but satisfying.
After 2 years we got married. I was so happy and excited to start building a life together. Our honeymoon was the first real indication of what was in store for me…I came out in the cutest little lingerie and he took no notice what so ever…and kept reading as to avoid me??? It was as if he lost interest in me sexually as soon as I became his wife. He still says he loves me and wants to be with me? Even still says that I am gorgeous and sexy…and the only one he wants? In the past 3 years I can count on both hands how often sex occurred. But have lost count of the times I have initiated and was met with rejection or avoidance.
I could go on about all the counseling, hormone treatments, feeling of rejection, despair, thinking it was something wrong with me, etc…but ultimately I ended up miserable and having terrible feelings of resentment and longing and feeling bad about myself. It wasn’t for lack of trying to make it work. I believe that having a healthy sexual relationship is part of marriage. Now I suppose that can be very different for each couple, but for me I need to express some of my love through being sexual with my partner. Why would I choose to stay my one and only lover, if they’re not even my lover?
After a very painful couple of years, we decided that divorce was the best option for both of us to be happy.
I still love him and wish him the best. I hope he finds someone better matched for him. And I hope the same for myself.

so sad

December 14, 2011 at 1:47 am
(611) unknwnw says:

Marriage counselors such as these are a joke. I guarrentee that the majority of these “sexless marriages” career findinding sex elsewhere . Thata is not what marriage was meant for. Absolute idiotic counselors.

December 14, 2011 at 2:20 am
(612) chao says:

hi,

i accidently found this link. and i felt there’s problem in my relationship too.
I have been married for seven months. we met during a training program four years ago. in our culture we don’t have sex before the marriage. and i was a virgin when we get married.
in our honeymoon we couldn’t have sex. further he said it was painful for him. after a month we went to a doctor and he said it is required to retract the fore skin which was tight. so with some lubrications, he tried a lot. anfter all these efforts we went to the doctor again. then he was asked to circumsize. he was circumsized in september. now it has been 3 months, and he says still it is very sensitive. and cannot even touch it.
i dnt know how long it will take to recover. but i feel that i have to wait for some time. But it really hurts when recently married friends sharing details of their relationships and the occasions they had. I got nothing to talk about.
i know my situation is different. but i feel now we are more like good friends sharing the same bed.

December 14, 2011 at 9:10 am
(613) Chris says:

I have been interested in all the comments. I am married 32 years this year, My wife “witheld affection” about 20 years ago because she felt I was not working to bring in money to the our family of four. She is a teacher, I farm. Guess the farm has never been a gold mine but it did provide income and the kids, in fact all of us, enjoyed the life. So I erred. Had an affair and that really hurt the whole relationship. Tried couselling but she didnt buy into it at all. We did manage to patch things up and had sex once in a while. About 3 or 4 times a year for a few years. Then it went to no more than once a year if I asked. No other way to have a loving relationship in our marriage except to ask. Now, the past 2 years, has been nothing. I try to just give her a hug or a peck on the cheek but she literally turns away. I have considered leaving the whole relatioonship but the ecomomic cost is too great. At 60 (she is only a month younger than I) I can not see me, or her, starting over. So I suffer and am constantly depressed. The kids are married and we have a grandson. That helps but really I just hope that I live to 3 score year and ten and thats long enough. The rejection and depression really hurts. I guess at my age, you become old and ugly. Sex was never very good with her at any stage of our life. I really think that, in hindsight, she was interested in getting out of her small home town and wanted the romantic life of mother, home and white picket fence. Guess life kind of crapped on us both. I dont know of any solution nor can I offer help to others. I guess you have to weigh up the pros and cons and ask the age old question, ” Am I better off with her or without her?” In this case, am I better off in the loveless relationship or out of it? There is nothing but some conversation between us.

December 14, 2011 at 9:47 am
(614) December says:

Chris: There’s another question: Are you someone that someone else could love? Sixty is certainly not ‘old and ugly’: god, I hope not! Lots of men in their sixties are still vital and wildly attractive to women (nature gives you the advantage in that, it’s most unfair). As for the economic angle, that is understandable, but then the question becomes one of whether you’d rather die in frugal but contented circumstances or be better-off financially but miserable.

Be realistic about your prospects, but also be wary of worrying about age: many people feel they are ‘too old’ to start again when they’re not yet out of their 20s! We often worry about being appealing to other people, but that’s partly a sign of not being complacent, of knowing that we have to put effort into being our best at that moment. It’s the ones that say ‘take me as I am’ without any consideration that become slobs nobody’s interested in. That doesn’t sound like you at all.

December 15, 2011 at 3:48 am
(615) just fine without sex says:

Hello,
I just wanted to share that I’m 40, and for all of my life. I have never wanted or desired to share my life with a man, or to have a sexual relationship at all. Please know that I am not at all against those who desire or want sexual intimacy, or a sexual relationship/marriage. I just don’t. I am happy in my life without sex. I also know that to have sex and be sexually active is a choice, and I choose sexual abstinance. Each person has to decide for themselves what makes them happy in life.

December 15, 2011 at 8:51 am
(616) Chris says:

Chritsmas, First, I should point out that I am not the Chris that posted some time back. I am north of the 40th parallel. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your insight. While living frugal is common on the farm – at least in my case, I also want to leave the farm to the kids as they both farm with their spouses and are nearby. I find, as others have said, that depression is the hardest feeling to overcome. I can see why some have refered to suicide, though that is not an option. Too many left behind are hurt and angry and I think it would only perpetuate the problems, and magnify them as well as pushing them on to others who will wonder what they may have done wrong when it is not of their doing. So to those who think of that route, get help. Its not easy to do nor to admit you need help. It is worth the effort in the long run. I miss a cuddle, a kiss, a hug. I miss intimacy. There must be some way of correcting this. When your spouse wont even talk about the issue, then what? I guess for her its not an issue or its her way of hurting me with a thousand cuts. Thanks for letting me vent and for the comments. Having others read this and offer suggestions or relate their own storeis is theraputic in itself.

December 15, 2011 at 9:46 am
(617) chris says:

Sorry, I got the wrong name. Its not Christmas but December who replied to me. And I guess you have a point about age but the rejection makes me feel old and ugly. Sometimes life craps on you. The past several years have been like that. New day, same pile. As for those who prefer celabacy such as “just fine without sex’, thats great. Its a lifestyle that makes you happy. I can not think of anyone who would be critical of your personal choice. Its not for me and yet, here I am in just such a position. I keep thinking of having an affair but its very hard to meet anyone. I would want to know the person, not simply jump straight to sex. I guess I am old fashioned that way. I would need some “connection” but not to the point of wanting to be in a permanent relationship. I think I am “gun shy” of investing my feelings to anyone again.

December 15, 2011 at 10:24 am
(618) December says:

Chris, thanks (and I knew you were responding to me: this is the season for it after all!).

My opinion: If living with this person is making you depressed, and has even for a moment brought the word or idea of suicide to your mind, you should leave. You won’t leave with nothing, and unfortunate though it might be, your children live in a free country and will be able to make their own way, as needed. They wouldn’t sacrifice their happiness for you, and you shouldn’t do it for them. They’re grown-ups now: think of yourself.

December 16, 2011 at 10:06 am
(619) Chris says:

First, I am north of the 49th parallel. Not that it matters. Reading, and rereading, many of the comments makes me wonder if it isnt time I actually ask my spouse if the time has come to go our separate ways. Age and financial security are certainly major issues at both her and my age. That is, perhaps, the greatest block to having this discussion. Though I am really begining to wonder if the years I have left would be better spent on my own or just continuing to live with my roomate. Thanks to everyone for looking at this and for the many comments about your own lives. Its conforting to know that I am not alone.

December 16, 2011 at 7:32 pm
(620) Emma says:

I just found this site and am very appreciative of everyones honesty and openness. I will soon share a decent post myself.

December 17, 2011 at 6:43 pm
(621) Rose says:

Geesh, where do I start…..lets see, Im 25 (just turned 1 week ago), I married my husband 35 4 yrs ago, we have 1 daughter…..and the last time I had sex was about 6 months ago….which lasted about 60 seconds since he supposedly cant continue his erection after he has his “pleasing time”…so who cares about his spouse…..whats very upsetting is that I caught him “mastur*****” the other day. (WTH) I feel extremely lonely, and I have completely no one to talk to…..in a sense I feel embarrassed to tell my mom, sister, etc. I have spoke to my husband numerous times, but he seems to not care…..I feel that my marriage hasnt really begun & im already sooo miserable. I never gained weigth or anything…I look the same. Im contemplating divorce but I feel like a total failure to my daughter if I do….I mean we do argue about EVERYTHING, we sleep in separate rooms…ever since my daughter was born. I dont know what to do, we are ok on money…and not sure what counseling will cost….not certain if it works…I mean can they really assure me we will be active in bed??? This is sooo embarrassing, I dont know what to do, I have a young daughter I gotta think of =(

December 17, 2011 at 9:54 pm
(622) Freerunner0 says:

Well folks, all I can say is that I have endured 30 years of a sexless marriage. I put up with it for a decade or so because my wife promised to sort out her problems (Vagisimus). It never happened, do I have a child? YES some of my DNA must have been very strong swimmers and I am so grateful! However we now lead seperate lives, I am still married and have had a number of affairs to fill the gap. I still love her (sod it) but at 50 I still need a sexual relationship! Feel guilty? (NO)! I have tried romance, Pink champagne, holidays etc…. I am moving on, I have a Fast car, a Sports boat, a Motorcycle and a self indulgence attitude.. Oh and a lovely lady on the side… How dare “partners” dictate when and how we should be happy! Good luck soul mates… x

December 18, 2011 at 8:38 am
(623) Abhaya says:

I’ve been married just under a few years now, and have noticed my wife’s mood has been steadily becoming more depressed…and I think it’s because I just don’t want sex with her. Well, the good news is that all of you have motivated me to have more sex with her and make her feel better about herself. I never realized how important sex was in a marriage, but now I do! Thanks!

December 18, 2011 at 5:46 pm
(624) lonelyman says:

I’ve been married to my wife for 36 years. We had a serious bust-up about 11 years ago over a problem with one of the children – things have never been the same since. Right from the start of our marriage my wife has never been affectionate.French kissing has never happened – and now there has been no sex in our own house for 7 years. In all that time we have had sex twice when we were away in a hotel on two different occasions – but i’m sure that was pity sex – and i felt awful afterwards, Sometimes i take hold of her hand and stroke it – hoping and praying that she will give back or respond – but it doesn’t happen. She goes to bed and there is no kiss – i feel hurt. Just a gentle touch on my arm would make me feel great – but there is nothing. I cry alot when i’m alone and go to bed not wanting to wake up – we sleep in the same bed. During a normal day she treats me ok – i believe she likes me but i am sure there is no love. About five years ago my doctor put me on anti-deps – i weaned myself off after a couple of years but now i’m back on them again. I feel frustrated all the time. She knows how i would love to make love to her – i always used to be a considerate lover in the early days and provide for her needs – including oral sex, even when i got nothing – i asked her if we could have sex more often when we were away from home in the hotels – she seemed ok with it – but as soon as we got back home nothing had changed. I’m 54 now – and i really believe that it’s all over for me now – i think i’ve thrown in the towel………..just waiting for God!!!!!What ever am i to do – can someone please give some advice??

December 19, 2011 at 10:46 am
(625) Christmas says:

To Lonelyman:
Advice? Yes. If you feel that bad you should leave her. It’s been going on too long, you’re too unhappy, you’re not getting even a fraction of what you have the right to expect from a marriage. Get off the drugs: they are not treating the root of your problems. Only freeing yourself to get love in your life again can do that.

December 19, 2011 at 11:27 am
(626) DepressedFool says:

I’m a 30 yr old man that has been married to a wife that’s 4 years older then me. When we first got together (like most relationships) sex was great. Once a day, once every other day. Then it started to slow down to once a week, once a month, once every three months, once every six, Now it’s down to once a year. I feel like there isn’t any intimacy in our relationship anymore. It’s not for a lack of trying either. She’s bipolar and all this started after being put on medication. It really sucks. I”ve tried being romantic. (Flowers, Dining, Dancing, Jewelry) Nothing seems to work. At the same time she will occasionally flirt with me but it leads nowhere. If I try anything she just says that all I ever do is want sex. Well hell yeah I’m going to want sex. Once a year is not enough and I fear it’s going to get worse. I just feel lost in this marriage. I’m depressed more and more and feel like I have a lazy roomate. I’m the only one with a paying job, I do the dishes, clean the house, take care of her animals, try to keep the yard neat, etc. All she does is the occasionaly load of laundry, be a shuttle between school and home for my stepson, and sleep. I do everything and feel like she doesn’t care. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I’ve thought of divorce but just feel guilty because of it. Plus I’m scared she would hurt herself if I did leave for good. We have tried talking about our problems. That does nothing. Guess I’m just going to have to live with the heartache, the ever growing depression, and the lack of intimacy for the rest of my life. :(

December 19, 2011 at 4:32 pm
(627) Lonelyman says:

To DepressedFool……..I’ve read your story – mine is above yours – i’m a good deal older than you and been married longer so i feel justified in answering …….. so you are down to once a year . ……i know we are talking about sex – and alot of people out there will say “ah – but!!! it should be about other things as well like love and romance and communication etc etc. That is true – but when you know that there is not a chance that intimacy between you is going to happen – or, come to that, START, to happen, you begin to question where your life is going and generally accept in your own heart and mind that the only way to solve your problem is only going to be through very severe life changing decisions. You, like me, are at that point. If you are anything like me you have days when you are ok – you find yourself living your life the best way you can – and other days you can’t cope – lots of tears and regrets – just crying out for a simple touch. All i can say my friend is that the once a year WILL widen to “never again” – i’m sorry – but i believe this to be true unless you either find someone else or just leave. I don’t believe i can do the latter – but then again i don’t know what the future has in store for me – you though, God willing, have a longer future than me………it is a deep regret of mine that i didn’t take notice of the warning signs when i was your age. Good luck my friend….Lonelyman (UK)

December 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm
(628) hate mail says:

Guys, do you feel you have been played for the fool?
Well, you have.
They got the ring, the house, 50% of everything you will ever make, social approval to keep her legs crossed forever, no fear of ever being called ‘slut’ and what did it cost her?
A few months of faking it.
ENJOY MARRIAGE!
You have been played.

December 19, 2011 at 4:36 pm
(629) LonelyMan says:

Thank you for your reply Christmas

December 20, 2011 at 1:25 am
(630) Freerunner says:

Interestingly, the law now says “If a partner does not show care and affection” this is regarded as mental abuse. Look at the dot.gov website under the divorce section.

December 20, 2011 at 8:54 am
(631) Anje says:

Wow.. I didn’t get through all the comments but there are a lot of things to contemplate. I went through a lot of the things that you guys went through. I was married for one year.. and I left. I am a small island girl who was married to an american veteran from iraq. There are a lot of factors that cause the lack of sex and it will never be one person’s fault. If you are not getting sex, it is a big problem on your side. You are not strong enough to identify what the problem is .. believe me.. I was the same way. I wanted a lot of sex.. and he had a lower sex drive but somehow we got a fair amt of sex in between.. but then the pity sex, the duty sex, the craving sex.. all kinds of words… Not good enough.

The reasons behind this problem… .is a result of lack of desire.. .which according to the buddhist faith is a good thing.. but back to the problems.. lack of desire is a result of ….lack of respect of others needs, lack of proper nutrition (Std American Diet) or Western Diet, Low Self Esteem, Priorities, .. and many others of course.. and we could discuss these in details.. but there are other blogs and sites to go to to understand.

December 20, 2011 at 8:55 am
(632) Anje says:

There is also a tendency for everyone to feel sorry for themselves and go through the ‘poor me’ scenario.. and ‘blame them’ scenario… but we all need to step up to the plate and take on some responsibility…. Figure out priorities.. and do what is right for you.. and live your life. If you are unhappy then everyone around you will be unhappy. So you need to take care of yourself first. If it means cheating, leaving, counselling, intervention, ..or just sitting still and appreciating the things that you have and being satisfied with that. Everyone needs to be at peace with oneself and should not have to live up to society’s reqts but to listen to one’s internal self and do the right thing for oneself… of course I mean the good parts… but good is relative. .. If you understand all I have said.. you have reached very far. If you have not… you need to take some time out.

With kids in the mix.. you have a double responsibility to be a better person…

I didn’t like being like this what you guys are going through.. so I left… and I am better being alone… with occasional sex when I want.. To note.. I am a extremely sexually driven person… but now I am more fulfilled .. now because of my understanding of who I am and what I lack… and what I need to be happy/ comfortable.. Society is what makes us unhappy.

December 21, 2011 at 8:43 am
(633) Chris says:

I know that many of us in intimacy free marriages are lonely. I know I am. I miss, as I have said, the intimacy that is, in my mind, a very important part of marriage. I know that, for my own happiness, I should follow the advice of Christmas, and other, who say that individual happiness should trump the current loveless situation. For me, while I have often thought of separation, its very hard. Economics are a major factor and wanting to leave my farm to my farming kids and their spouses. The question I keep asking is whthere the alternative is better than the current situation. I have not yet answered that in my own mind. Many days I would like to leave, others that I think I should just accept the situation and survive living with a roomate. I dont imagine this helps anyone, but it helps me to write and have some others read this. I guess this forum is a type of therapy. Thanks.

December 21, 2011 at 1:57 pm
(634) Rashell says:

Hi, am a 28yr old woman and my husband is 2yrs younger than me but our sex life is almost gone for good the thing is he is a military and sense he came back from Afghanistan with a back pain our sex is gone and am getting tired of waiting, i love my husband and i know that it could be caused by his medicine, so i have no choice but to wai

December 21, 2011 at 3:45 pm
(635) mds says:

I can tell you folks that after 40 years of marriage there is no sex.Non,So at the ripe age of almost 60 I have to ask myself,Do I end the marriage or find someone on the side?Well I try finding someone on the side and I got hackled on the dateing sites.Its just a matter of time and I don”t feel giulty about it at all——I will not live in a sexless life and devourse is not an option with the money involved.Let her do her thing while I spend my time with someone that love sex as mush as me.

December 21, 2011 at 4:37 pm
(636) LonelyMan says:

This is so sad. So many people living sexless marriages – including myself. The thing i just can’t get my head around is all the women who have posted their stories. The standing “joke” that has been around for eternity is that all women go off sex as soon as they are married – and i for one believed it – but,…….now i know better – it’s all a myth!!!! The sad truth is that the men and women who prefer no sex always win. They don’t lay awake at night with tears in their eyes – they don’t whisper the same question “Why” every night while their spouse is asleep. They don’t wake up the next morning feeling so frustrated and upset!!! To me sex is the icing on the cake – i don’t even know what it’s like to be touched anymore – kisses stopped a long long time ago. Maybe the answer IS to have an affair – bring everything out in the open – it will either kill or cure!!!!

December 22, 2011 at 3:03 am
(637) Rose says:

Reading these posts made up my mind…my husband of 4 yrs (Im 25 hes 34) have had NO sex in the last 7 months (yes I have kept count)….within the last 3 yrs of marriage I’d say he has only been intimate w/me for about 5 times……This is ridiculous! He has this “erection problem”…which the sex only lasted about 30 seconds to 1 minute…I told him to go to the Dr….he never did or wants to….I said get “viagra”….of course he doesnt want to…..I begin to touch him….all of a sudden hes “fasting”…..I am so fed up Im going crazy.Our marriage has begun crumbling badly….I offered marruage counseling…but hes too lazy, I feel he doesnt care about the marriage. Because of my Christian faith I am TERRIFIED of getting a Divorce or Cheating…and know I will face gods punishment 1 day….ughhh Im sooo miserable :( Sex is sooooo in our faces like every day…..Its so hard to cope w/the feelings of yearning for love from your spouse and getting ZERO! I really dont wish this feeling upon anyone…Sorry but I gotta rant, Im so embarrassed to bring this subject up to anyone. I think my move will be to separate from my husband…live apart, focus on being an awesome, loving, and supporting mom…I sometimes ponder the feeling of then meeting a new man….I respect myself & family enough to divorce then and remarry….as long as I am loved & respected. Funny thing is I tell my husband this…but he doesnt beleive me….He claims he “will never sign the divorce docs anyway” oh brother……well at least I got this outta my chest….But I remain Lonely as many of you.

December 22, 2011 at 4:59 pm
(638) LonelyMan says:

Rose – i’ve read you comment – i wonder why so many people who love intimacy marry people who are happy to live without it? Is marriage the right way forward? Actually, you are not really in a bad position because of your age – and i don’t mean to sound casual about it – i know how your heart is aching – but you have all the time in the world now to start over again. You, unlike many others have had the sense to hear the alarm bells ringing!!!!! I, on the other hand and many people like me allowed 7 months to become 7 years and are now soul searching as to what they can do. If i were in your position i know what i would do – but my advice is coming from someone who has failed at every turn – i feel drained and humiliated!!!!……………the decision has to be yours – lets hope you make the right one eh!!!!……….Good luck with the rest of your life Rose.

December 22, 2011 at 5:25 pm
(639) LonelyMan says:

Has anyone else felt the awful feeling of no self esteem because of the feeling of constant rejection??? This is so destructive because it creates a persona of you that you hate but everyone presumes to be the real you. A personality of someone with no self confidence – unable to communicate and very often sad. You constantly have to pick yourself up and dust yourself down and start again only to be thrown to the wolves again and again……………..

December 23, 2011 at 4:54 am
(640) Shadow says:

I am a man and to be honest ladies, one of the reasons men will not want to have sex with you is purely simple.

He does not find you attractive anymore…it’s that simple..

It does NOT mean the Love is gone, it’s a purely “Visual Thing”..
Men are visual creatures, less emotional than women..

It also does NOT mean he is shagging the 20yr old receptionist..

December 23, 2011 at 8:05 am
(641) LonelyMan says:

Shadow: I don’t buy that theory at all. Man to woman or woman to man. To me, if you know that your partner is crying out for physical and emotional affection and you choose not to respond to him or her then you do not love your partner – simple. All the people who want a sexless marriage even though their partners do not, will always get what they want – because they simply have to do nothing. The people who crave the perfectly normal act of beautiful loving sex hold the trump card though – they can walk away!!!!

December 23, 2011 at 11:07 am
(642) Christmas says:

LonelyMan, you are right.

This Shadow person sounds as deep as a shadow and I don’t doubt that he is ‘not as emotional’ as women — or indeed, many other people. But in a way, that’s like admitting to being less than fully human. We all have emotions, it’s just a question of what you do with them and whether you are big enough to acknowledge your emotions in their full range and complexity.

Shadow has also missed the point (by not reading, methinks) that most of the women commenters here are young or youngish, some of them only recently married. And of those not recently married, as in my case, the nonsexual partner was that way from the beginning, while I have been attractive to men all my (post-childhood) life.

And finally, having a lack of intimacy is not a ‘woman problem’ but something that men and women suffer equally, as this forum attests.

December 23, 2011 at 1:40 pm
(643) SoSad says:

I think I was moved to look at this board today because of the holidays. I am almost ripped to pieces by all the christmas cards we have been getting of our happy friends with their adorable children–each one is a reminder of how incredibly messed up my life is right now. I am 33 and haven’t had sex in over a year with my husband.

I have been married to my husband for over 6 years, and together for 11. We never had much of a physical connection–it took 3 dates for him to kiss me, and when we did have sex the first time, I remember thinking it was sort of mechanical. But I loved him so much and had never met anyone I wanted to spend so much time with. Soon after we started dating, sex started becoming really painful. I went to doctors but nobody could figure out what it was, or how to stop it. So for years, I suffered every time we had sex, which wasn’t every often. Maybe once every 2 months. I worried my problem had driven my husband away.

It got worse when we decided to try and have children. I couldn’t get him to notice me–he was always busy, or told me he didn’t like feeling pressured, which ripped my heart open. I had thought we would be doing the most beautiful thing in the world, trying to make a baby. I didn’t understand how my husband could be so cold towards me, and it made my already low self-esteem pretty much vanish.

December 23, 2011 at 6:48 pm
(644) LonelyMan says:

illicit liaisons: I can’t seem to work my own problems out – although i know that in order for me to either accept things or move on, then i have some decisions to make. I’ve so much love to give and so little time left – oh for a guardian angel eh!!! Reading all these comments have been a wake up call for me. All the rubbish about women being the ones to go off sex more than men simply isn’t true is it? I wonder what the reasons are. Wouldn’t it be great if someone could come up with an answer – so people wouldn’t rush into a relationship that is doomed from the start. Or, could it be that one or both partners unwittingly set off some signal or something during the initial honeymoon period that actually turns the other partner off. Sometimes, many years ago i would be in bed – my wife fast asleep – and i would have a tent pole that just wouldn’t go down. I would cuddle up to my wife – and then she would wake up – in such a temper and i would feel as guilty as hell. I have trained myself not to do that now. My days of asking are finished – i just can’t do it any more. It’s destroyed my self esteem though – i feel a wreck. I want my wife – but not like this. What i would give to have someone to love and get it back in return. I know you shouldn’t give just to receive but with sex and affection it has to be a two way thing or else it doesn’t work at all. If i could take a guess about what the future holds for me i would have to say the word “affair”. I can’t see past that word. It’s as though my minds made up. Put it this way – if i were to be given the chance of real love – not just sex – but real love where sex is just a very important part of a loving relationship……….i know in my own heart that i would not be able to let it pass me by……….than you for listening!

December 25, 2011 at 11:33 am
(645) lonely lesbian says:

she says she’s tired. she says she’s too full from dinner. she won’t even
kiss me with an open mouth. she purses her lips and i get pecked. i’m only 26, this is crazy. i say i miss the way we feel when were together. she says then lets watch a movie. i tell her i love her every chance i get and i do. but slowly and painfully i’m slipping away from her. i think she’s missing some sort of emotional cord in her soul. it never crossed my mind to talk about our thoughts on sex before we dove into this.

December 25, 2011 at 2:15 pm
(646) hope says:

My friend has been married for 20yrs and suffers as most of you do. All through his marriage his wife has had depression, a long term medical condition and a back injury a couple of years ago made their sex life near to nonexistent. He’s a good man and what I consider to be a loyal husband and father, he works hard, so wants to please her and all he wanted was his wife to love him, to make love to him, to make him feel that he was desirable and desired by her; he never says anything degrading about his wife; he’s understanding and caring about her condition and acknowledges what he does wrong in the marriage. But each attempt to save it is short lived and two months ago he told his wife he doesn’t love her anymore. Since then she’s been trying to hold his hand and he won’t let her; tries to hug him and he pulls away; has wanted to have sex with him and he doesn’t want her; she says she loves him in hopes that he will say it back, but he doesn’t. She is trying to regain his love, but he has pulled away and now she is angry. They will be going on vacation and he said he’s really going to make up his mind one way or the other and then something traumatic happened – maybe it is the hand of God they need. Should he stay with his wife and have as many of his needs met that he can happily live with, then I will be forever happy for him. He is very special to me – we are special to each other – we were our first kiss and first love when we were 11 and reunited one year ago, after 36 years – we have learnt that love still exists and we were lucky to find it with each other and have that love returned; that our sexual attraction is mutual and intimate – as intimate as living in different countries can allow us to be and we are open and learning to give, receive and accept honesty without fear, even though our truths sometimes hurt. But this way we are not blind to the situation and with a new year just around the corner, new beginnings beckon us -whatever they maybe.

December 26, 2011 at 1:45 am
(647) Mary says:

Since menopause my sex drive has been very low. Our marriage is not the best. I tried explaining but he refuses to understand. He wants sex every other day. He gets verbally abusive and expects me to toe the line. He is a control freak and it is my fault for not standing up to him in the past. I hate sex. I tried to accomodate him but it made me felt used. He said that’s what a wife is for. The more he demands, the more I get angry. He blames me for the family disharmony and takes it out on the children. Because of his actions, I no longer help him with chores. I hate myself for doing it. My job is demanding and he sits at home. I know I am hurting my children and I feel I am to be blamed. I know in the end I have to give in but with resentment and anger.

December 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm
(648) Chizo says:

I have been married for the past 11 years , sex was good for the past 10 years now my wife will make every excuse,

Question why did I get married in the first place , better is a single guy he can lay any girl he wants , better too when you are not married to them they give it to you everyday

To all single guys in North America do not bother getting married it is waste of time and energy ,

December 26, 2011 at 5:57 pm
(649) robot says:

have any of you just sat down with your wife or husband and talked about this? i did last night and it didn’t go well at all. she told me all i do is need need need. bringing up our lack of passion has made her forget all the good things in our relationship. I just wanted to explain to her how sad i am at night and tell her why. she screamed and called me selfish. wanting sex is selfish. but if she wanted it too it wouldn’t be right? i see it from her point of view sort of. but i can’t forget about my own? if i never bring up my feelings again i’ll be unhappily married forever. i’m starting to look at married people in a whole new way.

December 27, 2011 at 2:05 am
(650) What to do? says:

I havent had sex with my husband for 3 years now and its killing me. But…I am the one who does not want it with him. Oh dont get me wrong I really really want it, I mean my body is literally exploding with needs! but I dont fancy him at all. I have slowly gone off him in recent years in a sexual way but everything else is great, we get along just fine, have a nice house and a daughter and we are like best mates really. I just cant have sex with someone I dont really love or fancy, it makes me cringe. I dont want him to touch me like that. I look at other men all the time and I cry all the time because I dont know whether to leave and have sexual fulfilment with someone else and break up our family or stay and be lost in this sad world of no love.

December 27, 2011 at 3:43 am
(651) Rose says:

I know for a fact that I wont cheat on my husband, I feel dirty by just having the thought in my head, so infidelity is NOT the answer to me…nor the correct answer, Im beginning to tell my mom & mo-in-law that my husband and I argue too much….I’m beginning to “plant that seed”…so they wont be surprised when I mention we have divorced….sorry but there are many factors of why I can no longer be with my husband. I think the no sex part is the “last straw”…..I am 100% certain if he at least hugged or kissed me I would still feel the love, having no passion in the marriage really affectes you as a person since you kinda “expect” to only get it from that person…but yet I’m deprived of it simply because he is careless…..I just hope that the day I do take that step…..whoever I do end up with, my position is not worse than what it is now …thats the gamble you take.

December 27, 2011 at 10:17 am
(652) Pina says:

I wrote a really long comment, and I’m unable to publish it, so I’ll try to do it in several parts.

part 1

I’m only 26, yet I’ve gone though many stages of a sexless relationship of 8 years, and I’d like to share my experiences here. I read some of the comments and I noticed that many of people are experiencing things right now that I’ve experienced in the past. Maybe this will help somebody. Of course, there can be many different scenarios, as people are all different too, but at least those who feel the lack of sex in their relationships will know what to expect.

We met when I was almost 19, and immediately saw a true soul mate in each other – this hasn’t changed a bit in all these years. We have the same passion and understanding for all kinds of art, same values, we respect and care for each other. However, in terms of sexual relationship – well, it always has been practically non-existent. I am a very sexual being, I really think that physical intimacy is very important, it makes you whole, it gives you energy and self-confidence, it helps you get as close to the other person as possible. Yet, during the first 3 years of our relationship, we never had a real intercourse, he would only use his finger. Not because he had erection problems – he didn’t. And we would only have sex if I initiated it, and even then I would succeed maybe once in 5 tries. I was very young, and too shy to ask him about these things. He was the first for me, but he had been married before, divorced quite a while before we met.

December 27, 2011 at 11:44 am
(653) December says:

To ‘What To Do?’:

Is it a ‘sad world of no love’? You describe real affection and you do have a daughter together. As a ‘child of divorce’ (I’m not trying to dramatize, but I was), I can confirm the common-sense assumption that her life will be significantly different if you split. On the other hand, if you both take an active interest in her well-being, it won’t necessarily be worse in the long run.

My thoughts: when you say you are ‘best mates’, maybe it would help you to think about what being ‘best mates’ means — is it special, or is it a connection, comfort, companionship that you can readily imagine having with someone else?

You don’t need anyone to tell you that if you have stopped fancying your husband (and it happens: I stopped fancying mine, but mine was functionally asexual so no surprise, really!), you’re not going to suddenly one day find him attractive. In my experience (and that of other commenters here), some links when broken are irreparable. I was faced with the same question: since he can’t change, and my feelings can’t either (for him), do I live sexlessly or go? I decided to pay the very high price of staying, but that was because we were (and are) ‘best mates’ in a very special and rare way. And we are passionate about each other in a non-sexual way. And we know how important we are to each other.

Without these things, I would have left. But even with these good things, I am aware of loss.

December 28, 2011 at 1:33 am
(654) Amy says:

People who say that they have lived for a decade without sex are obvously crazy. My husband and I have been together for 18 yers, married amost 13 in June. We have as much sex as possible and we have 2 kids! We were having sex about 3 weeks after each child was born. My husband and I love to tease and prolong foreplay but to put that into never releasing is nuts.! He is going to turn somewhere else to release. Sex is much a part of being intamate and happy and part of someone. We are still so much in love cause we stil enjoy worship each other’s bodies and have pleasure in the other one getting pleasure from us.

December 28, 2011 at 10:54 am
(655) LonelyMan says:

Amy:…you sound like a wonderful woman Amy – Your husband is a lucky man – i would very much like to hear your comments on why so many relationships, including my own, are so void of any affection and intimacy whatsoever. If anyone would know – it’s you!!!!

December 28, 2011 at 2:31 pm
(656) December says:

Funny, my reaction was quite different: thoughtless, rushing to judgement and rushing to the wrong one – fancy calling people ‘crazy’ because life puts them in difficult situations. And what else is in her marriage, and what would SHE do if one day her husband couldn’t manage it or one of them became debilitated? Would she be so self-satisfied *then*?

I’ll give her a clue about the true meaning of love: where in the word ‘soul mate’ do you see the word ‘body’?

December 28, 2011 at 9:26 pm
(657) nancheska says:

I’m a 54 y/o woman, and I have a 12 year old child. It’d be great to meet someone–I’d probably want a younger guy who’s already had kids, too. If I did meet someone I really liked/loved, sure, I’d want the intimacy. Relationships and marriages are often what you make of them, but it’d not work for me to not “get cozy” with my partner. Honestly, I don’t know how people stay married or cohabit in a sexless relationship, but if you do, that’s your biz, and it’s not for me or any of us to judge.

December 30, 2011 at 1:17 am
(658) lonely farmer says:

I knew I wasn’t the only one, but it sure feels like it sometimes. First 17 years was great, then that fateful day when she announced to me that our sex lives were done. Just like that. She said, according to the books she had read, that it would be about 10 years. Well, guess what? 10 is here.
As many here have mentioned, this is one of the most soul-sucking experiences in life. It is degrading. It is unhealthy. It is the saddest feeling that a living person can feel, if you can call this living at all. I just betcha that other posters have considered the permanent way out. But then, we know in our hearts that even if it costs us our homes and businesses that really we should wish our spouses well and start walking. I am trying to muster the courage, but for the last 3 years have earnestly tried to get some on the side. And we call it cheating when the only ones being cheated on is ourselves.
I feel that with todays endless aray of gadgets, that there must be a way of signing up to websites were we can meet other people such as ourselves so we can hold one another and kiss one another and just say “it’s ok now, our suffering will soon be over”. And then make love. And there has got to be a way to do this without getting caught. There is, after all,a little James Boned in all of us. Well, where do I meet you girls?

December 30, 2011 at 1:22 am
(659) Lonely Farmer says:

Er, that would be James Bond, but it sort of worked ok the other way too, lol!

December 30, 2011 at 10:51 am
(660) December says:

Lonely Farmer: ‘Bond, James Boned er Bond’: LOL!

December 30, 2011 at 11:22 am
(661) DeeQue says:

I AM NOT MARRIED YET BUT I PLAN ON IT AND IK 4 A FACT I DNT WANA MARRY A WOMAN WHO DNT WANA HAV SEX JUZ BECUZ WE MARRIED I FEEL LIK BECUZ WE MARRIED WE SHOOD HAV MO SEX HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT U USE IT OR LOSE IT AND I AINT TRYNA LOSE MY PARTNER IN CRIME SO I NEEDA A WOMAN DATZ GON USE IT CUZ I AINT WIT DAT ABSTINENCE STUFF IM 2 COMFORTABLE WIT MY SEXUALITY

December 30, 2011 at 12:16 pm
(662) one4all says:

I have the same feelings regarding no sex in relationships. I am a 52 year old male. I live with a girl I was engaged to for several years. I had too much overhead due to my previous marrige, I was stuck with all the bills etc. The girl I’m with now is wonderful err. at leat to be, for the past 5 years we have had no sex. We or should I say I talk to her about it and get no replies. “It’s always about me” she says, Finally lastnight she told me she was not interested in sex and finds it repulsive, also, that that is all I ever think about. yes I kinda’ bring the “Lets play Dr.” bit or something usually when we are bored; she never replies. I have come to the conclusion she doesn’t love me the way I do any longer. the 1st few years were great, I always made sure she enjoyed sex with me. I do Laundry, Cook, Bake, Vacuum, wash dishes. always have. This is a major issue for me mainly because of the missing intamacy ( more important to me). Being an orphan and have had the lack of it makes this even harder. I have again refinanced my home in my name only. Thinkiing it’s time to move on. Man talk about tearing a mans ego up? Sheesh!! Ah how I long to have a womans unconditional love. PS. we also both sleep in seperate rooms. I couldn’t stand sleeping near her because of my feelings. I have been turned away too many times. I also only get a peck on the lips goodbye in the AM and a hello at night after work.

January 1, 2012 at 12:23 am
(663) Lonely Farmer says:

Hey December, glad to be of ‘on Her Majesty’s Service’, lol!

January 1, 2012 at 12:45 pm
(664) AnotherJerk says:

I found this thread reassuring at first. But after coming back here days later to see more and more people relaying their sexless and hopeless situations I am more sorrowful than ever.
I thought maybe I would tell my story and feel some relief. Alas I can’t ring myself too it. I write a line and then erase my pathetic ramblings. I feel lonely, sick and depraved for wanting sex and I have given up. But for my two beautiful young children I would be gone, trying to forget the woman who took it all and had nothing to add.
Excuse me while I attempt to resuscitate my soul.

January 1, 2012 at 12:47 pm
(665) lion says:

well I’m single !then I’m shocked with this comments each one is trying to impose his or her idea !if you feel satisfied when you don’t have sex in your relationship !that’s ok for you and for your partner if you are sharing the same idea but for other it’s kind of ending the relationship !scientifically sex is more than an option as many trying to portray but human interest as well psychological satisfaction !

January 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm
(666) Mandy says:

Married 40 plus years and the last time we had sex was our wedding night and that was great. But after the I DOs were said things really changed. He cancelled our honey moon, said he would rather go to work than be couped up with me. he also moved down stairs with all his things. Noe he eats and sleeps down there all these years. I should have left him right away but I was youg and stupid. I thought things would get better. He worked midnights for 40 years away from me, I naturally worked days. His weekends were wed,thur mine sat and sun. We never saw each other, and now hes retired and things haven’t changed at all, he just hangs out downstairs and out in his shop. He must be lonely, no phone,computer and an old black and white TV that doesn’t work. I still dream of the one time we had sex, and wish some one would just take me away and use me and hold me.

January 2, 2012 at 7:26 pm
(667) brojer says:

Am wondering if there is a connection between porn, videos, erotic pictures etc. that may be adding to the non-interest with sex in marriage.

By the time the average youngster is ready for marriage, he/she has seen a hundred thousand penises, vagina’s, acts of sex… normal and otherwise. Is it any wonder that a wife/husband elicits so little interest?

January 3, 2012 at 9:20 am
(668) Doug says:

Well I have read some of the above statements. and in my own opinion I do understand a few of them. I think that for the most part everyone of you should put the crack pipe down right now, twelve years no sex, 40 years no sex, happily marrried, He sleeps on the other end of the house, I have my own social life and he has his, what part of the words you are now husband and wife did you not understand, and I would hope most of the above isn’t true .. but if you are married and you are not having sex with your husband or wife. then either you are all cheating on each other or just plain stupid!

January 3, 2012 at 1:19 pm
(669) December says:

RE: ‘By the time… has seen’.

I didn’t.

And as an adult, I don’t go to movies and I don’t watch broadcast TV, partly because I get my entertainment elsewhere and partly because I can’t abide depictions of sex. I have no interest in seeing people copulate (or tongue-kiss, come to that), any more than I want to watch them defecate. The fact that others do is a mystery to me.

January 3, 2012 at 3:45 pm
(670) thebadguy says:

I’m male, 43, and I am the bad guy in many of these posts. I have been married for 20+ years, and love my wife, but just have no desire for her physically.

I have been doing what I could for years, butt here are certain physiological factors that are pretty hard for a guy to fake. Little blue pills only work when you have some form of desire. She wants ‘real’ sex.

I’m embarrassed, because *real* men are always up for sex. I have suggested to my wife that we find another man to get her what she wants, but she wants nothing to do with it.

I do love her, and am trying to make her happy for a few more years, until my youngest is off to college. At that point i will bring it up again. If she still wants nothing to do with it, then I will remove myself from the equation. It might sound unkind, but I care enough about her to want her to have a more fulfilling life than what I can provide her.

Your partner may be as despondent about this as you, but unable to do anything about it. Sometimes things just don’t work like we wanted, and sometimes love is just not enough.

January 3, 2012 at 10:57 pm
(671) Fortyfour says:

I’ve been married for 19 years and last year I learnerd that my husband was having an affair with a girl who is half his age that worked for him @ our convinience store. His affair lasted for about six months.after reading #12 “Nobody Really Says” opened up my eyes and started to understand my husband’s situation. In our marriage I’m the one who did not think sex was imporant, I ignored him 99% of the time, he is very compationate peson, liked to have sex at least 3 time a week. For about last 11 years we had sexless married life. In other hand I over worked for all those years to reach some financial goals my husband had. In my opinion sacrifice had more value to love than sex. So I decided to work hard(about 95 hours physical work/week) for his goals and to show my love towards him which he failed to see and ended up in an affair. I know deep down in my heart that he loves me so much and that’s the only reason I’m still with him right now, I also was in between that How could he do that to me? to why I did not understand his feelings? Well it’s too late, damage is done. But today atleast I came to learn his side of feelings.
Our situation is very sad because of what we both are going through right now.My husband is so kind and loving man which a woman can only dream of . Ever since i’ve learned about his affai I’ve started to work only 40 hours a weak and spend lot more time at home and lots of sex too. Now we both crave same level of intimacy.
As sad as it is to deal with infidelity, It has brought us togather again. Would I have come to learn that sex is the main ingridient of married life without my husband having an affair? The answer is “NO”. So
I just want say to the husbands or wives out there living in sexless married life that going outside of marriage can be a positive thing to your sexless marriage.

January 4, 2012 at 11:43 pm
(672) Paul says:

I am 43 and I have been married for 14 years and my wife has never been passionate or seemed to enjoy sex or intimacy with me. She has rarely initiated sex and doesn’t enjoy kissing, cuddling, touching or being close to me. At best, we were having sex about every three to four weeks, but it was usually a quickie. She wanted me to finish within a few minutes even though I love foreplay. She would tell me that I was perverted by asking for sex on a Saturday morning (when she couldn’t say that she was tired).
So, about 21.5 months ago, my wife got pregnant and this is the last time that we have been intimate (i.e. quickie). I have tried to kiss her, hug her, etc. and she physically turns away. I thought that it would improve after she was in the 3rd trimester, but it didn’t. When she gave birth, I was told to sleep on a single mattress on the floor and for the last year she has slept with our daughter. I feel like more of a loser after writing this. Over the last 18 months, I have been very depressed and I have tried being intimate with my wife, not necessarily expecting sex. I have also mentioned to her that I want intimacy and she has said that if I don’t like it, then I should leave. Now that I have a daughter, I don’t know what to do. I should have left her years ago, but I have always loved her despite her contempt for me and her lack of wanting intimacy with me. Now we barely talk. She yells at me if I don’t just keep out of her way. I recently told her that I was pu**y-whipped without the pu**y and that didn’t go over well.
I have been waiting for the last 18 months for my wife to initiate a kiss or something with me so that I can reject her, but that hasn’t happened. I shouldn’t want to treat her like she treats me, but I am desperate. I will probably leave her, but not until I give her most of my money and have her family think that I wrecked our marriage. Oh well, it probably can’t be any worse. Thank you for reading.

January 5, 2012 at 5:29 am
(673) wow... says:

I’m so glad to see that I’m not the only one going through this… but it sure doesn’t make it feel any better. been with my man 4 years now, have a 2 yr old son, and i swear i could count the number of times we’ve had sex on 2 hands. at one point we’d gone 6 months without… and that was before our 1st anniversary. and just like everyone else… i think of leaving… or worse, cheating… but i can’t…. but i can’t live like this either. i’m so frustrated every day. now, instead of getting “horny” i just go right to angry/upset because i know i’ll just be denied. again. and again. but when he wants it, i’d better run to that bedroom, give him head, and get nothing back. he’s never touched me down there or gone down on me. he gets head/hand job, we have sex til he’s done, good night. sighs. wish i knew what to do and had the strength to do it….

January 5, 2012 at 8:02 pm
(674) December says:

Paul: Poor you. I’m sure you deserve better.

January 6, 2012 at 3:47 pm
(675) Hope says:

This comment is long and will take about 4 posts so bear with me. Thank you all for sharing. I hope what I write can help someone out there. So heres PART 1:

Re: “going outside of marriage can be a positive thing to your sexless marriage”. This is more of my own feelings as the outsider. It’s not positive for the outsider who knew what the consequences could be, and had all the intentions of being impartial yet still fell in love in the process. Can the outsider still be a friend to the married? Can the outsider be a friend of the family? Can the outsider be appreciated for the part he/she played in the reuniting of the marrieds? Can his/her own feelings of loss be comforted by the marrieds – he/she helped them, is their reunion big enough to embrace another with thankful love? More often than not the outsider is blamed due one spouses denial of marital problems – avoided due to the other spouses feelings of guilt or continued lack of honesty or chastised by society for engaging in extra marital activities.
I keep coming back here in hopes that there is a solution. A win win situation. And I haven’t seen one yet. So I thought up a couple suggestions of my own. Hopefully I won’t get any backlash for this as these are just ideas. You can make up your own to fit your own life. And can I ask you all a personal question?…if you have allowed your spouse the upper hand and have let them state to you that your marriage will be sexless or void of intimacy, why did you silently agree to become a victim to such cruelty…why did you do that to you??

January 6, 2012 at 3:52 pm
(676) hope says:

PART 2;

if your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you and you have exhausted all discussions on the subject and you know that it is not something you have done, why not renegotiate your marriage – as strange as this may seem, it is an option…spouse is to pay for your extra marital activities (EMA) for those who seek prostitution (physical gratification only) or state to spouse that you will be having an EMA if you want a more emotional/physical intimate connection with someone outside your marriage. This cuts out the cheating factor, because you have openly told your spouse your intentions just as he/she did with you. And follow through (if you can and if you cant lie about it they wont know)This eliminates your feelings of guilt of doing something wrong and the fear factor of you being found out. You don’t have to have the EMA but you should at least try to seek restitution of some sort that you can happily live with. I have read one after the other and main theme I get is someone having control over you. If you don’t find a way to stop it, those feelings of dejection, depression, futility won’t go away. But the other twist to this idea is that you have to be open and willing to having an EMA or lie about having a extra marital. That’ll be a first, well maybe a second… if spouse is not willing to negotiate…just follow through with what you stated will happen. They did with you without any thought to how it would affect you (im speaking in a general sense when I say they). Only you know the truth to your situation and only you can do something about it…but its hard because you’re emotionally drained and your mind is not clear…so go get happy (however you need to get down and happy), then get clear.

January 6, 2012 at 3:56 pm
(677) hope says:

PART 3:

Sexual intercourse for some people is a physiological need. The chemical reaction increases the testosterone in men and assists the endocrine system in women (there is more to it but you get my point). If you are willing to accept a sexless marriage then find other ways to redirect the energy of sexual desire and chemical needs. A visit to the doctor for regular hormone testing/ complete physical and starting up an exercise routine or activity. Stay away from anything or anyone that can trigger your sexual desires. When thoughts of desire arise, change your thoughts. And dont talk about it. For the touch stimulation get regular massages…you are the getting the touch aspect but in a therapeutic way…find a group or create one where you can get some support for emotional touch…hugs are wonderful and necessary…so go out there and fill yourself up till your cup runneth over.
if there can be no negotiations and you/spouse are not willing to accept a sexless marriage then its time to think with your head and not your heart and leave. But before you leave, get yourself happy, then get yourself clear. If you are afraid to leave then look at what your fears are. If your fears of being alone, or starting over again have merit then stay in the marriage and learn to accept your situation. And don’t blame your partner anymore and don’t look at your life as though something is missing. Fill that gap with the realization and acceptance of what the payoff is. You are trading your need for intimacy or love for??? (whatever reason you cannot leave). Understand if you have children that your children’s lives/ marriages will be the same as yours, they will not know any better. That would make leaving harder but not impossible because then its not just about you it’s about everybody involved.
Get out of that abuse cycle. You dont deserve that

January 6, 2012 at 3:59 pm
(678) hope says:

PART 4:

My saying any of this isn’t to place blame, instigate feelings of guilt, to lessen your grief, make light of your situation or to make matters worse. I’m all about brain storming, finding solutions, looking at the whole picture, stepping fully into life and embracing it with all that I am. But that’s just me and I am twice divorced…my first husband had an affair with someone at his work and my second husband had met someone online and then had an affair with her. Both ex husbands wanted what they wanted but it was steeped in lies and deception and no communication. I could not give them what they wanted or needed if I did not know. But to choose to lie and deceive rather than communicate and state their feelings about things, I was cheated on not just with other women but I was cheated out of a marriage. And that’s whats happening to you…you are being cheated out of your marriage. And you are worried about cheating. God I love you all. So I divorced them and that made me the B….. Twice I started over again with nothing to call my own and now Ive been single for 7years out of choice but its been these past two years that I have been wanting a to have relationship with a man. Maybe for me it will be a third time lucky. I honestly do not know what I would do if after I marry and he wants a sexless relationship with me. I have a very high libido when I use it and it is insatiable. Sexless would just not do at all. Sigh. I would have to come back here and take my own advice or better still get him to sign a sexual/intimacy prenup. LOL. Now if my husband got ill then that’s different. Ive been celebate for 6yrs 10mths out of the 7. I can do it again or we can get creative. But if its because he just wants to control our sex life and is not open to negotiation. Then hell NO. I found this quote that I think may be appropriate here…
”Don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want!”

Thanks for sharing your lives…may it get better…

January 6, 2012 at 7:16 pm
(679) Gee says:

I am in a reationship and am married,when we were a couple we would have sex once a month (too little for me) and now we are married we have sex once every three months (four times a year) …. is that normal? I am currently out of a job (not thru lack of trying) and my sex life has dissapeared, now it has become apparent that I have to provide (or in other words) pay for sex I resent the fact that our sex life revolves around how much I earn, becouse for me it is an animal atraction and is as natural as it can be, but for my wife – she can not be happy unless she is financialy comfortable. any one else thinks that that is messed up?
…I love her and she loves me – but there can be no closeness without security………………….

January 8, 2012 at 6:41 am
(680) Jack says:

I have just read this incredibly sad thread and I have to make a comment. I am a 51 year old guy who was married to a Western woman who right from our wedding night never wanted sex.

She was a Christian and used to say how great it would be to have sex after we were married but it was a lie.

I cant believe I wasted YEARS of my life going to counseling and seeing various pastors etc ALL of whom encouraged her to have sex and pointed out how important sex was in a marriage.

I used to feel so sickened at the way she would sing and worship in church and use all the Christian lingo then be like an ice maiden when we got home.

Anyway Eventually I had enough and went on a business trip to China.

I met a beautiful Chinese woman who became my assistant and we fell in love and got married.

I will NEVER forget her amazement when I shared how my wife and I never had sex. She said “That is CRAZY no Chinese woman would do that it would destroy the marriage!”

Since then I have several friend who have married Chinese Thai or Filipino women and without exception they all say that the sex is amazing.

Interesting survey recently on ChinaDaily.com.cn stated Chinese women have sex more than any other women on the earth. They see it is normal and healthy and a totally essential part of keeping a marriage together.

I have lived in China (with business) for over a year at a time and asked my Chinese male friends about the subject. They all say “My wife thinks sex is essential”

I am now very happily married 5 years into our relationship and my wife LOVES sex as much as I do.

Sorry but I am obviously biased. If you are a decent guy don’t throw your life away – go and find an Asian woman.

Culture wise they are seriously committed to making marriage work and see sex as absolutely vital in that process.

January 8, 2012 at 4:31 pm
(681) Jazmin says:

I have been married for 3 years now, have been with my partner for 5 years. he is a truly wonderful loving caring husband. I am as much in love with him today as I was when we first met.

We have 1 child together, IVF, making love just to have a baby and then all the problems that that creates then the round of ivf was the start of our no more sex marriage, I do talk to my husband and tell him I love him as he does me, I apologise to him that I am just to tired at the moment, when we are both up for it our little one wakes up or we have both fallen asleep, it doesnt help that my husband works away in another country, I hope one day this will all get better and we can start our love making again. I dont at the moment feel ugly or unwanted its just the way things are with our hectic life as it is. We can both talk about it and laugh so thats a good sign… we will continue to try. if its not so then thats ok…… we can be intimate in different ways….

January 8, 2012 at 9:29 pm
(682) Balaboo says:

I am a mid-fifties East Indian man who married a lovely widow with 2 teenagers 14 years ago. Sex was great when we were dating, in spite of my “small” organ. Well, we get married, and sex is the FIRST thing that went away, and now having been unemployed for anumber of years (with an Engineering degree), I am in the same situation as ‘Gee’.

You know, us men who need sex should just partner up with you wives who need sex too. I am in Bluffton, SC :-) .

And no, it never gets better…
p0rn is the only answer.

January 10, 2012 at 12:14 am
(683) Young in love says:

I just got married in october but have been in a relationship with my husband for two years before. I should point out that I am, as they call it, a nympho. I love and crave sex, and when we first met, he was the same. But as our relationship continued, he slowly became nonadventurous, and now, sometimes I have to beg him to have sex with me, and if he does get horny on his own, its a rarity. Hes twenty and he works alot but I dont understand what happened in these few short years. I dont want to end up with a unhappy, sexless marriage. What should I do?

January 10, 2012 at 4:46 am
(684) whotdo says:

Well most people who are starved of it can’t stand it for the rest of their lives. Can go on anti deps they numb u so u won’t want it but come off them and it all comes back. Y should a highly sexed person get stuck with a person with no libido? Can use a dildo but not same. Makes u go crazy for it and v passionate. But lethal to proper emotional chemistry. Wish could have it all. Seems not. French have one for family, one for sex and one for intellect.

January 10, 2012 at 5:22 am
(685) micy says:

wow..: i have gone through your comment. me too have the same experience. our 1st anniversary is on coming 13th May. it has been around 8 months since we got married. we still did not had sex. but my husband had some issues with it. But now it is supposed to be ok.
but I feel it differently. if he wanted to, he would have get all these treatments early. he get the medicine only if i have reminded. he tries to have sex, only if i say ‘let’s try’. i make all these efforts to have a better relationship. I can’t talk abt this with him all the time; i am afraid that he will be upset and stressed. I can’t give up this because I love him and I want him.
I haven’t shared any of these personal matters with anybody. and our close relations waiting for the good news: Baby. And sometimes they hint me, make me feel that I cannot have a baby.
why do I have to suffer. people do get married to live happily. I too love to have a better relationship

January 11, 2012 at 2:09 am
(686) this might help says:

part 1

i was with a woman for 11 years we has two wonderful boys but after the first year she stoped wanting to have sex it was down two maybe once a month or once every 2 months i tried everything to please her. i took her out, cleaned the house did whatever she wanted,but nothing seemed to work.

we fought about it a lot and i went to bed mad every night but it didn’t seem to bother her. she knew i wasn’t happy but did nothing to fix the problem. it was always the same excuses i’m tired, i didn’t take a shower anything she could think of to get out of doing it.

i wanted it to work for the kids i loved her and didnt want to leave so i stuck it out and dealt with it as the years passed nothing got better and we started to dirft apart. i asked her many time’s if there was something wrong with me. she said no she just didn’t feel like having sex. and by the way when we did do it she did it cause she felt bad or whatever

January 11, 2012 at 2:54 am
(687) this might help says:

so because of the lack of sex and a few other things after 11 years i told her i was leaving her. its funny because i stayed with her for another 2 weeks after i told her i was leaving because i needed time to find a place and get everything in order and those last two weeks i was with her she wanted to have sex everyday, but at that point it was too little too late so i left. ( a few months after i left i found out she withheld sex from me as a form of a power trip. she needed to have control over the sex to control me. how stupid could that be right ?)

now it’s been a year and a half since i left i found a wonderful gf and things couldn’t be better i was worried for my kids but there doing fine and are happy to see me happy.they are 4 and 10 by the way.

i just wished i had left earlier and not have wasted 10 years with someone for nothing.

i’ve read some of the post on here and i’ve read about men and woman that have gone through this for 15, 20,30 years. it will not get better. it wil not change. no matter what you do. stop wasting your time for nothing even if you love your partner even if they say they love you. if they know your not happy but wont make any attempt to fix the problem then really whats the point ?

it’s scary to leave into the unknown, to leave the life you have built over the years and start over (i was scared) but it will pay of in the end. anything is better then felling unloved and hurt day after day after day that’s no way to live.go find someone that wants you for you, and stop crying yourself to sleep every night wonder why.

January 12, 2012 at 12:22 am
(688) Bish says:

I separated from my wife of 25 years about 4 years ago.. It had become a sexless, loveless marriage. I’ve been celibate these past 4 years and what has surprised me is that I think about it less and less. I enjoy an active social life with lots of new friends and have lots of projects on the go e.g. French, pottery, piano. I work full time and love my job. I’m only 50 but I really don’t miss sex now and am happy and fulfilled. Masturbation is a rare event, about 2 or 3 times a year, usuallly to an erotic film late at night.. But mostly it just doesn’t occur to me. Am I unusual? I was a highly sexed young man in my teens, 20′s and 30′s and could never have imagined I’d be happy as I am now.

January 12, 2012 at 2:17 am
(689) Chris says:

I came here and read some posts looking for ideas,, a new idea maybe I hadn’t thought of yet and instead I find people who are willing to accept their circumstances or they gave up hope altogether or they’re just as desperate as I am for a solution that possibly doesn’t exist.

I’ve thought about cheating on my wife for sex or calling it quits a thousand times, but haven’t done it and maybe never will. I will say that the right person comes along and I’ll be tempted severely and I guess what stops me is my wife has no place to go and no profession or income so in a way I feel like I’m responsible for her well being while at the same time feeling like her lack of sex in our relationship is justification for my eventual infidelity. A man gets tired of masturbating and there has to be a woman out there that wants to have sex just as bad as I do while being in a meaningful relationship. The determination to hang on in this dry marriage is evaporating because I didn’t get married to have a live in dependent, I got married to have sex and be loved and the lack of that happening of is a definite deal breaker. She go live in public housing and collect welfare….See ya!

January 12, 2012 at 4:31 am
(690) Roger says:

I’ve read alot of these comments and I am at a loss for words. I met my fiance in High School and we have been together for 8 years now. Since day 1 I have proven my love for her by giving up friends, an active social life and even my possessions just so she could be happy.

We aren’t actually married yet due to her not having a birth certificate but when it comes to sex its a rarity for me nowadays. We used to have it alot and I didn’t think much of it then. Now we rarely have it once a month, maybe once every two months and it’s not because of my looks or because I am not good. It’s something alot of people are starting to feel…..Twilight.

That book series ruined so much in America. My wife is OBSESSED with Twilight, has nearly every piece of merchandise that has ever come out. She even has a Facebook page devoted to it. It has gotten to the point where she would prefer to roleplay and chat with complete strangers who are also Twilight fans rather than be intimate with me. This has been going on over a year now and it is making me feel unwanted. I try to initiate love making but she gets upset that I disturb her time with Facebook and Twilight or she says give me a minute and leaves me to cry into my pillow as she spends nearly 24 hours a day (no joke) on a website instead of with me. Even when she comes to bed she gets onto Facebook on her cellphone and continues awhile. Her FB friends even text all hours of the night and wakes me up. I say something and she does nothing.

I feel Twilight will ruin our relationship before we can even say I do.

January 14, 2012 at 11:55 pm
(691) Huckles16 says:

I have been married for a year and it has already become a no sex marriage. I am only 20 and like previous posters have said, I get so frustrated that I sometimes can not even be in the same bed as him. He is 30 and claims that our lack of sex has nothing to do with lack of interest but he doesn’t even try.

The rest of our relationship is good, but I feel like this is big enough to tear us apart. I have a huge sex drive and we do nothing. At 20, this is not something that should have to be dealt with.

January 15, 2012 at 9:40 pm
(692) Mel Gibstein says:

In the 18th century and earlier times husbands and wives had secret lovers on the side, and didn’t even consider divorce.
Now in modern times we get divorced at the drop of a hat, and move on to our next lover.

I have been married twice. My first wife and I made it 5 years. we had a mad crazy sex life. Unfortunately the pendulum also swung wild on the emotional aspect of our marriage. we had really harsh arguments until we finally divorced.
My second wife had no sex drive what so ever. And she finally decided she didn’t want to have sex anymore. Not only didn’t she want to have sex, she showed now affection what so ever. It hurt my feelings deeply. I became resentful and angry, and I started going to clubs with my friends, and fooling around. I never had sex with anyone, just dance and laugh. I did kiss, and hug a little, but no sex. We have been divorced 8 years now. I still love her, and she is a good friends, but thats all.
Now Im single, and I haven’t had a girlfriend or sex in about 18 months. Im 54 years old, and my bar hop’n days are long over. I don’t like drinking and carousing. And I don’t like sleeping around.
But I long for a woman to be in love with and sleep with, and make love to.
I have dreams of being in love and making love with a beautiful woman sometimes, and when I wake up I feel sad that it was only a dream.
Well after reading this tread I can take some solace in the fact that I’m not alone anyway.
well I guess I’ll go to sleep now and see if I can find my dream lover…

January 16, 2012 at 12:53 am
(693) others like me says:

I have been going thru these comments and I just see myself through it all. It will be ten years of marriage for me in March. At the beginning of the marriage there was occasional sex. As time has gone on it really is no sex. To add to this situation my husband chooses to sleep on the couch (has chosen this since we got married). He says it is because I snore. At first I went with this because when I was pregnant with my first daughter (2 total) I did snore but since then I have been told by family that they don’t hear me snoring. I even went as far as to do a sleep study and it came back with the results indicating that I did not snore. The other part is that we really don’t talk in a depth. What I mean is we shoot the breeze and what not but we truly do live separate lives. Separate rooms, separate bank accounts, separate mailing addresses (he seems to use his moms quite frequently), everything separate. At this point I could careless if he sleeps with me or even has sex with me I just want out. I don’t hate him at all but if I have to go on like this I will. I have decided in June to let him know I am leaving him. I want time to get myself in a better financial situation before leaving. I just dont’ see how a person is supposed to live like this. I want and crave the love and affection deeply. I don’t recommend everyone do what I am thinking of doing but I will say after reading these posts I am comfortable with my decision. thank you all

January 16, 2012 at 1:26 am
(694) Plumber says:

I have good news for all the wonderful people trapped in a sexless relationship.

a) Every single person who suggests that you live in a different room, take prozac to kill your sex drive, live in a sexless marriage for decades, accept that you can not be loved, and all the rest of it that idiocy – are trapped in some type of modern nightmare. They themselves are devoid of passion, at best they deserve a partner that is also “asexual.” Those that think they can subject their partner to a sexless relationship and trap them into years of “emotional terrorism” don’t deserve anyone. For the most part, withdrawing from intimacy is a power trip and should be recognized for what it is. Those icebergs deserve what they dish out, a cold bed.

If there is one thing that society has confused, its our need for love and sex! Humans need to be loved and sex is an essential part. Never, ever, let anyone tell you that being trapped in a sexless relationship is normal, you deserve to be cared for, to feel wanted, to be needed! Never let some twisted idiot push you away for more than a few months under normal circumstances. Life is too short to be pushed away: Life will be long when you are pulled in.

b) If you are in a sexless relationship, LEAVE, right now!!!! There is a wonderful lover waiting for you just around the corner. Heck, they may be stuck in a sexless relationship but don’t have the courage to leave (meet them, love them, save them). Never put up with someone pushing you away, they don’t deserve you. Believe me, there is a world of people who have no one to love but need to be loved, don’t give your love to someone who doesn’t want it. LEAVE NOW!

January 16, 2012 at 1:26 am
(695) Tony says:

c) I was in a relationship that became sexless. It became the bane of my existence! It was torture! I felt so bad and worthless. My whole life became full of tension. I couldn’t stop looking at other woman and it just hurt me so bad to not have have a good lover. I constantly fantasized about any woman that would even talk to me. It drove me nuts and I started to hate the world. In the end she moved out, as it was apparent that I was not into an asexual relationship. This is when my life became instantly better!

d) After she left I stayed single for about 7 months and had some fun with a friend, nothing serious, just something to make me feel human again. Then I met a beautiful Brazilian woman who I can barely keep up with. She is the best lover that I’ll ever have, no one can compare. I would never have met her if I didn’t part ways with my ex. Now my sex life if beyond anything I could have hoped for. Connection, love, and caring. Hey, its out there, never settle for anything less!

PS.
If you want love, you also gotta give love. Being up front and honest in a new relationship is key. Especially if you have just gotten out of a crappy relationship, your new lover needs to know the problems so they can correct them before they fester. I told my new lover about what happened and she got real close to me and said, ” That will never happen with us and if it does, we’ll talk about it & do whatever it takes. If you need to have sex with a man, a woman, with me and another woman, or need anything, I’ll do it, cause this is what it means to be in a relationship for more than a few years, but honey, this acceptance goes both ways. I love you but we gotta love free. You are the most important thing to me, sex is sex but love is love”

Ain’t that the truth!!!!!

January 17, 2012 at 8:00 am
(696) Confused says:

Hey there,

Iam not married but have been living with my partner for 10 years, he is 6 years younger than me. I am 49 he is 43. What gets me really confused is that he loves to cuddle me and kiss me although not passionately just a quick kiss on the lips, the forehead etc. He kisses me every morning and tells me he loves, he kisses and hugs me everytime he comes home and tells me he loves me. If I want a cuddle, no problem he is there to give me one. The problem is, when I get undressed he does not want to look at me at all, he keeps his eyes from looking at my breasts, I feel so uncomfortable that I change my clothes in the bathroom instead of the bedroom.

I asked if he was gay and he replied he wasn’t, he actually did not like me thinking he was gay but I can’t help wonder why in the begining he was a sexually aroused very easily and now for the past number of years he is happy to not have sex at all.

We have gone away on weekend trips etc and they are sooo boring for me because all we do is go out for dinner yes we hold hands and sometimes cuddle but when we get back to the motel/hotel no matter how romantic the weekend is, he doesn’t want sex, he simply kisses me on the forehead or lips, says goodnight and rolls over and goes to sleep, I lie there crying silently to myself until I fall asleep.

I just want to understand all this so if there is a male out there who can possible give me any ideas or clues please please let me know.

Like another poster already said: I have no fear of hell because I am living it!

January 18, 2012 at 11:20 pm
(697) Rose says:

Female 24 Ca…married for 4 1/2 yrs 1 child….probably had sex w/my husband a total of 7-10 times throughout our marriage.I have not lost my “looks”….guess he just doesnt feel like loving me in that aspect :( would love to chat w/anyone male or female that can relate….sometimes I just feel like a need someone to talk too…but counselors are sooo expensive!!!Lol

January 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm
(698) Mr.V says:

@ (697)Rose

Judging from the looks of the posts on here, a counselor would be a total waste of time and money.

ADVISE PEOPLE TO STOP HAVING SEX AFTER MARRIAGE?
seriously?

Here’s the problem, we don’t marry someone so that they can change everything the next morning. Marriage has gotten so redefined that people actually think that they should stay in a ruined relationship because it’s “normal”

NO passion, NO flame = NO LOVE
it’s just a business agreement at this point.

You spouse should BE your life.

if you want a “social life” or “no sex” why don’t you just stay single.

I have been married for almost a year now, i used to have sex with my wife an average of 10 times a week, and we kissed at least 20 times a day. NOW since being married, i have had sex maybe 6 or 7 times in a whole year, and we probably kiss twice a week.

DON’T LET PEOPLE TELL YOU THAT GIVING UP IS WORKING AT IT

January 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm
(699) rogan says:

This is strange but true. This is my 2 marriage. I have not had sex 5 times in 8 years. Not even half way. He loves me but he is simply not interested. Keeps pushing it to a future date. I am highly sex deprived. I am very lately into watching porn. But I want the real thing. I am simply cracking up due to starvation

January 20, 2012 at 5:54 pm
(700) sensualwoman says:

Quite frankly, it’s always the spouse who has a healthy sex drive and need for intimacy which is willing to speak of this. The other partner in the relationship usually takes on a silent pose or if they speak it’s like pulling teeth.. very painful.

People change true… health issues arise… libido falls or vanishes.

It’s all rather disgusting, and life is oh so short to be short changed in this manner. It’s like being on an emotional diet. Many times this is not premeditated, but rather a change in physical health.

Easy to walk if you haven’t ever had a great intimate life together… but more like being hit by a truck and left in pain if you have experienced that together.

I don’t see anything healthy about such changes. If you haven’t had a sex drive from day one ok… but to have that change happen is an indicator of aging and possibly underlying health issues (such as heart, diabetes, stroke related risks)… so go on about how you all are embracing a change from enjoying that romance and passion to not.

I would go to my Dr and up all my lifestyle (eating working out etc) preventives.

January 25, 2012 at 12:08 pm
(701) ello says:

i’m 24 years old i have been datin my boyfriend for 5 yrs when we first got together the sex was fantasic he would romance me and things where great then he moved in and things died down alittle i didnt think much of it but since christmas when he started his new job things have totally died off i’ve tried buying sexy underwear sggested new things to try and he totally isnt interest s this just a phase or has our sex lives just totally died off alltogether?

i’ve allways had self confindance problems and i’m starting to feel he desnt find me attarctive anymore he wakes up goes to work comes home plays on the computer eats and goes to bed i’m hoping its just the stress off the new job and the odd work pattern hes on does anyone have any insight for me?

i’m totally devoted to him and am currently playing the role of house wife cooking his meals having food ready for him to take to work cleaning etc i feel so unapprated by him

January 27, 2012 at 4:21 pm
(702) Teardrop says:

I love my life partner. He was there for me when I had trouble getting over my divorce. I did not want sex. I was worried about my taste in men. I chose to be with my guy because he made m feel safe and I was afraid of getting hurt again. He is a decent guy and I did not feel that intense passion for him. I felt safe. I stayed with him for years, until I healed from most of my wounds. I wanted to start having sex more often and asked him to do an STD test and I did the same. Turns out he has a serious STD and I have none. So… we decided it was best to keep the relationship we have and not risk me getting the STD too. It’s been very hard, but I have respect for him and how he has handled things. However, I met this guy who had the hots for me and who was not totally happy with his own sex life with his wife. I felt so desperate to have some sort of physical intimacy and I actually fell in love with this guy, who is obviously a ‘bad boy’. But I cared about him so much. So much has happened, his wife was hurt (even though she still doesn’t know the truth and still believes nothing happened). I got hurt very much. I had a lot of fun with him, but I really prefer having sex in a secure relationship to where I know I can count on the guy and he actually cares about me and heck I dunnoo… LOVES ME. We needed each other for stress relief. He had a lot of stress and I just needed him too. But… things got difficult and after more than 2 years of knowing the guy (and more than 1 year having the affair on and off), last week I pretty much lost it and went crazy. So I figured the guy I was having sex with is just a toxic person and I even threatened to ruin his life, because I felt so betrayed. I ended up not ruining his life, but trying to clear up things with his wife and making him look good in her eyes. So now, he won’t call me and won’t talk to me, cause he is trying to be a good boy and I am left with this desire and all this stress.

January 27, 2012 at 4:22 pm
(703) Teardrop says:

I just don’t know what to do. I need him to be my friend right now and at least say hello to me on the phone or something, but I hate feeling so needy. I wish so much that I could move on. I am losing it. Even though he was not worthy of me, at least we had our weekly stress relief. I am so stressed out because I am sure now he knows he can’t manipulate me anymore and he is probably scared of me. I can’t just jump into bed with a stranger and don’t want to. This guy obviously doesn’t care about me, but I still miss him so much and don’t want to slip into this depression again. I actually fell for him and I just don’t want to feel like this, but the lack of physical connection is just killing me. My life partner and I can’t even kiss. He is a great guy, but I feel so terrible and really don’t know what to do. Should I just allow the depression in? Masturbating won’t help much. I like the human connection. The sex was good with this ‘friend’… very good. Too good. If only he would care about me, things would make so much more sense. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to believe I will be OK and that I can thrive in life even without any physical connection. It’s what I long for so much. But for me, it has to be meaningful and I can’t just sex a stranger. The idea turn me off and then there’s more STD’s to fear. What do I do?? I have a good life with my bf. But I am a beautiful, very healthy woman. I can’t live with the idea that I will never have sex again in my life. I just don’t know what to do.

January 27, 2012 at 5:20 pm
(704) Teardrop says:

The guy I fell for is a gorgeous looking, extremely fit guy with a very charming personality and I feel absolutely obsessed to the point of insanity, given my situation. We have been through a lot and I know we have had an emotional connection of sorts too. I am worried about myself and I am very hurt that this guy manipulated me so much and has so much power over me that I gave to him. He teases me, excites me, always leaves me wanting more and it just got to me so much. I did the same thing to him as well, but I see now that the whole thing is so dangerous. I lust for him so much and just don’t know what to do anymore. He won’t leave the wife and I don’t feel that he cares about me. He says he has a sex addiction and I believe it to be true. I don’t feel used, but I feel so empty now that we don’t even talk anymore. It is so hard for me to find closure, cause I keep thinking if only I had done this or said that or if I will do this or that… I am obsessed and sometimes I think of jumping off a bridge and I know I deserve so much more. I deserve to take care of myself and be with people who care about me. I’ve longed to have a good, complete relationship for so long, but married the wrong guy. I married someone with psychiatric problems who neglected me for years and abused me emotionally.

January 27, 2012 at 5:20 pm
(705) Teardrop says:

It has been a very long way back from that. Sometimes I fear that my life will pass me by and that’s it. But, I still have my looks and my sanity so far. Guys find me attractive and this makes things worse. My sex partner has warned me of guys who will just want me for sex. I guess guys like him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. My sex friend still has sex at home with the wife. He used me for extras and for exotic and experimental things. I did not mind, as I have this problem with my life partner. But this whole situation has really worn me down so much and I don’t know how to recover. There is a lot of taboo concerning adultery and I have no one to talk to. I can’t tell my friends about my problems as they will just tell me to leave my bf. I guess I am just scared.

February 8, 2012 at 8:02 am
(706) Fengshen says:

Luckily, I’m not having this problem so far, but I do fear for such a future. It sounds to me like the half that’s not wanting any sex anymore after marriage is viewing marriage as the “safe zone”: when they’ve entered it, they can just start saying “no” all the time without ever fearing they’ll end up alone. I think it’s ridiculous to think that, it’s like the way kids tend to act in their younger years: when they’ve reached a certain achievement, they think they can just go and do -anything- after that. As kid, I was taught that’s not the way it works; why don’t grown up people entering marriages see that it’s exactly the same?
Also must note that I found it funny to see 3 obviously faked comments on the start of this discussion, quite alike the spam emails I sometimes get, but with the complete opposite story, followed by 702 (!) comments on how those 3 are completely wrong.

February 10, 2012 at 9:24 am
(707) Lonnie says:

I have been married now twice. My first marriage lasted for 30years, until my wife got cancer and died at 53 yrs. of age. Stayed single for 5 yrs. the decided to try marriage again. My current wife has now been married 3 times now, ours being the 3rd. Her 1st ended in divorce, second one in death due to brain bleed. We have been married for now 3 yrs. going on our forth. In that time we only have sex once maybe a month. Not my choosing but my wife. She told me after we got married her first two husbands complained about her and sex. They said she was not good in bed and they were unsatisfied. Now I see why they felt that way. She is 55 yrs. and has no real sexual experience and really doesn’t want to learn anything new or try either. When trying to talk to her, she just lays in bed or where ever and will not talk or reply to my questions. She will not do any form of oral sex at all. Her only foreplay for me is playing with my nipples, nothing else. I do oral and all sorts of things for her. She just doesn’t get it, we have a problem in our sex life and our marriage. I am on the verge of getting out of this marriage, if she doesn’t change for the better. I love her and she says she loves me. Wevsaynit ever day to each other. But the words alone are not enough any longer. We need help or this marriage is history. What can be done, we have no kids at home all are married and on their own. Communication just is not there. She makes time for everything else, but our sex our date night. Sex in my first marriage was great!!! We had it at least twice a week. My wide then wanted and liked having sex. Not my current wife. Before we got married we had lots of sex, kissed and hugged. Now it’s a peck on the lips.

February 10, 2012 at 4:45 pm
(708) wannabloved says:

Yeah, life is not easy… I’m so happy to have stumbled on this thread.
Been married almost 28 years and like most everyone here, I to am in a sexless marriage. My husband seems to be okay with it. I personally think he is suffering from andropause (male menopause) and/or we never truly loved each other. Is there such a thing as true love? That is what I would like to know! I am 52 and am desiring a sexual relationship as well as a loving relationship; he is three years younger than me, but acts like he is 70 years old! I just wish he would do something about how he feels, for his own well being, which I would think would help our relationship. I work on staying fit, taking vitamins, etc.. to maintain my youthful appearance and overall well being. I suppose I am in peri-menopause, but I feel great! Better than when I was in my thirties! Yay! I just wish my husband would show his love for me by seeking help with maybe testosterone replacement, exercise, etc. so that he can be more energetic and not be so depressed all the time. Or, it could be that he just doesn’t love me anymore, or both. It’s sad. I feel so alone and unfulfilled. Am I going to be spending the rest of my life in celibacy with this man? I feel like a nun! Right now I feel like he’s my dad, or brother or a relation like that. We talk enjoy each others company, most of the time, but that’s about it. If we were to separate, I do feel scared that I’d be all alone, since I have no family. He does and they love him to pieces. A little scary on my end :(
We are starting marriage counseling. I hope it helps.

February 15, 2012 at 2:10 am
(709) ptsdpatsy says:

Hello,
So I have a violent and sad story which led up to my low to nil sex life with my husabnd of 5 yrs. After years of sexual and violent abuse by my father till the age of 9, I was raped by a neighbor boy at 12 years old. As a young teen I had no trouble being attracted to guys, though i did somehow attract stalkers and perverts who i helped get expelled from school from time to time, so this put me on guard about men.

I dated my now husband for 3.5 years and our attraction was normal sometimes unbearbly strong. We tried to remain celebate for religious reasons and failed a few times. But we had a good relationship with lots in common. And it seemed we were both equally attracted to one another.

Recently my husbands’ persoanlity has changed. He is much more vulgar and dirty in telling jokes and the like. I have been diagnosed with PTSD ( due to my abuse) and even though he knows this, he tells me these disgustng sck dimented jokes. I have become really resentful toward him and feel like I cannot trust him like I used to. I dont feel safe around him and valued as I once did. I dont want him touching me and i dont want to share myself my body my inner spirit on that level with someone who can hurt me so. I have become really short temepered with him and I feel terribble, but I also just miss him… the man I married. I feel he is trying to prove something and in the process he is pushing me away. This hurts so much because i miss how we used to be … but I cannot bring myself to sleep with someone who looks at women so disrespectfully.
I have been getting counseling for years and I just really fear we wil end and it will be to no avail. :( HELP!

February 15, 2012 at 6:25 pm
(710) JRoze says:

I am living the pain of this thread.
My belief has always been marriage is a 50/50 partnership.
There are things you want and that I want that are different from each others desire!
I believe the term 50/50 says that we each agree to give in on all topics 50% of the way 50% of the time.
At least that is what I believe.
My wife agrees with me 100% of the time on this belief until it comes time to practice it!
This thread is in reference to sex, so I will confine my comments to our issues relating to sex.
I have during our 34 years together ( Married ) always wanted a fulfilling sex life, with spontinaity, intimacy, experimentation, tenderness, giving and receiveing in all aspects.
She was willing to give in to my desire for sex for the 1st 10 years when she rarely accepted the inevitability of my desires. But that was rare. The last 20 years have gone way down to once in the lsat three years.
I told her that she was hypocritical, and controlling for not wanting to accept my side of the equation, and that we should seek counselling for the issue at hand. She refused siteing that there is no way she would talk to a stranger about something so personal. After all there was nothing wrong with the way things are, that we need to fix. Nuns and priests are celibate after all, so why can;t we!
I am not a priest, and she is not a nun!!!!!
Nor will I ever be.
Why Do the people we love have to try to control us?
I love my wife. I married her with the idea of forever.
In my mind with the way things are not even being considered, I feel the need to say forever is over.
I may not find anyone with the same concept of a working relationship as I have, but I feel the need to give myself the chance to have one.
If I do not stand up for myself and take that chance, I will only live the rest of her life with guilt and regrets.
Now to move on and find a kindred spirit!!!!!

February 18, 2012 at 7:21 am
(711) bayz says:

To George H Zinn, I just wanted to express my admiration to you, I engaged in a relationship when I was living in Spain for three long years, unfortunately I was very young and when we had to break up due to we having different needs, the experience left me broken, it was my first girlfriend ever, this includes school and summer romances in which I never had been successful, and so far has been the last, I was too young for a relationship and it proved to be a disaster.

Since then at first I tried to return to that, have a girlfriend as it is the only way I can picture having a sexual life, and failing miserably at establishing bonds, feeling depressed and so on…then I decided I wanted to be celibate the rest of my life, just move on and focus on what it is really important, I moved to the UK due amongst other things the pressure of my family and friends on me to find a partner, after making a couple of acquaintances here I’ve found the same very problem.

I’ve been sexless for about 7 years now, but I am no longer interested in finding a partner, that makes me the weirdo of my group, no matter if I am in Britain or in Spain and I really want to get the mental state that would help me feel better with myself instead of the one that points at me and calls me weirdo in the face…but I guess it comes with the age, I just turned 25 this year so I’m about half your age, furtunately my sex drive is starting to wane out early, so hopefully when I hit 35 I would live happily in celibacy.

February 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm
(712) Dying of Sadness says:

You think you have problems with a sexless marriage now? Guess what: that feeling of deprivation over your husband cruelly denying you sex for whatever reason is never going to get better, and neither will your feelings of self-esteem in such a marriage. Now that I’m post-menopausal and my huge sex drive has simmered down a bit, I find this same demon is still with us, cursing our marriage, darkening my life, and always will be.

Mind you, I may be a bit older, but I am still head-turning beautiful with a slim, curvy body which plenty of men admire, so that’s not the problem. Yet I have a husband who hasn’t had sex with me since I don’t even remember when, maybe even a year. I thought he had no sex drive, and was very hurt when I discovered he’s beating off in his bathroom with my lingerie catalogues. Maddening also is that he’s extremely possessive with me in public, and if some guy even talks to me, he’ll grab me and kiss me. He also gives our friends the impression we’ve got a good thing going. I seriously resent him for this hypocrisy. Our marriage is a sham…

February 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm
(713) Dying of Sadness says:

…Weekends are the worse. I can go through the workweek distracted by my busy life, but on weekends, being cooped up in our small home together, I feel like there’s an “elephant in the room” and our non-existent sex life, which I used to try to address–trying about every trick in the book to fix, just short of marriage counseling, which he flat out refused to do–becomes not only a deprivation of physical bonding but also a form of extreme emotional torment. It’s almost unbearable at times. I’ve become depressed and even tried to turn to drugs and drinking but that didn’t work. It’s like living with an intolerable roommate. I would rather live alone.

Because of my age and economic situation and also because he is like a friend and, as crazy as it is, I seem to be in love this man–who actually does act loving, even affectionate toward me, even fondling my body often but of course stopping short of initiating sex–I wouldn’t dare leave my marriage. I wish I were 20 years younger. I feel trapped and hopeless. I truly believe I will never have a normal happy sexual marriage with this guy, and the only way I will ever be free of this constant overwhelming sadness is if death sets me free. If he dies, it will likely be too late for me to find a new relationship and enjoy a blissful sex life ever again. If I die, it will be of a broken heart and a spirit that has had the life squelched out of it. I am damned.

My advice: if you’re with a partner who doesn’t have a sex drive equal to or better than yours, DON’T MARRY HIM! If you’re already in a marriage like this and you’re young enough to start over, GET OUT, FREE YOURSELF, NOW!!

February 19, 2012 at 2:31 am
(714) Terica says:

He was talking, and I really wasn’t paying any attention. I think it was about an hour before he noticed I was crying, quietly. He asked what was wrong and I faced one of my worst fears, I just said it, “I don’t feel like a woman anymore.” t was the conversation ever, but I laid out how empty I felt. I bared my soul, really. That was last year, and nothing changed. Can you imagine the hurt in that? The only fear worst than spilling your guts to the only person who matters, is to do it to no avail.

I am 29. We married at 20, and met when I was 16, when we’d sneak away in our parked cars and stop at 3rd base. What the hell happened? I remember the first time, after we were married, when I dressed in something lacy. I was beautiful, not yet a legal drinker, and excited about exploring the sexuality I’d reserved for him. He kissed me on the forehead and said I was trying too hard.

We have sex, but I’ve never been able to seduce my husband. I wonder what it would be like, if when I wore something pretty, or seductive, to be able to turn his head. The days get long and lonely when the sex just doesn’t come at all. I burn from the inside out.My insecurities are complicated by the number of random men who hit on me throughout the day.

The other day a coworker very innocently brushed pass my neck and I could have fainted for the instinctive arousal. I guess he noticed, because he asked me to go get some coffee with him, and I feel like crap, because I went. And, Suddenly my husband can’t keep his hands off of me.

So, how should I feel about myself right now? Tempted, and confused. Queasy? Depressed? Lost! I’ve always been my husband’s, and call me a romantic, but I want to stay that way. But my feelings are numb, and I can just feel the most wonderful feelings I had for him just going away. Dissipating. What do I do?

February 20, 2012 at 1:49 pm
(715) Steve says:

After reading some of the comments, all I can say is this. If woman wants to have a sex free marriage and this is not totally agreed by her husband, then she better not get a bent out of shape when her husband has an affair [now this goes both ways, if the man wants a sex free marriage and the wife is not in agreement, he best not get all bent out of shape when she has an affair]. You see marriage is like a piece of pie [your choice, i like raspberry] it is made up of many different slices, example, 1. a slice of Trust show that you trust each other both physically and emotionally, 2. a slice of family unities, help one another with family duties 3. Caring, show them that you are the most important person in there life [besides the kids that is, but the kids will grow up and leave then it will be your turn again] 4.Togetherness, help one another with day to day task in life. 5 Passion, yes this is combined with quiet talks holding hands, flirting, cuddling, and SEX. YOU NEED SEX TO HAVE A HEALTHY MATURE RELATIONSHIP, IF YOU DON’T, ALL YOU HAVE IS A ROOMMATE, AND THEY BETTER NOT GET PISSED IF YOU FOOL AROUND, BETTER YET GET IT IN WRITING FROM EITHER PARTNER THAT THEY WANT A SEX FREE RELATIONSHIP,: SHOW THAT YOU DON’T,” HAVE THEM SIGN AND YOU SIGN, NOW IF YOU EVER GET CAUGHT HAVING AN AFFAIR, YOU CAN PROVE THAT THEY WERE NOT LIVING UP TO THERE END OF THE MARRIAGE. AND THEY CAN NOT USE ADULTERY AS GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE AND THEN TAKE YOU TO THE CLEANERS.
Okay now you all have a great day.

February 22, 2012 at 10:22 am
(716) lifeisgood says:

Wow, these stories are SO familiar. I have been married for 20 years with 17 years of sexual frustration. I am the female that always used to initiate and he would give in about 1-2 times a month. I no longer care to initiate and feel like hell. We have two healthy beautiful teenage boys that LOVE having an intact family. They tell me often about their divorced friends and so glad they have us both. This kills me since I dream of being free from the sexless marriage. I want to know from others that did leave the marriage and did you find happiness with someone else? This is my biggest fear is that I am single at 47 years old & too old for someone to fall in love with me again. I have no doubt that I could find dates, but I want a full relationship that is vibrant. Is it possible after 40????

February 22, 2012 at 4:33 pm
(717) Mark says:

Wow, it seems the vast majority are women neglected by their men. What the heck has happened to males? I guess you can thank modern society and all the stuff associated with it. No wonder men feel under pressure and emasculated. This is a dysfunctional society and we all are paying the price.
And by the way not to sound mean or anything, but marriage is against nature, you just have to read the most basic book about evolution to understand why and yet people is so brainwashed by social propaganda they end up living like zombies. I’m so sorry for your pain don’t get me wrong, it’s just sad to know about so many wasted lives.

February 23, 2012 at 6:55 am
(718) John says:

Hello all,

Been married 29 years next month (Wife 49, me 56). Not had sex in the last 20 years. We are very happy with each other… it hurts at first but eventually you just get used to it.

February 23, 2012 at 3:13 pm
(719) Lonely Lover says:

I looked over the comments left and this article was first written in 2007 I think and it’s incredible how many people have the same thing in common it just makes me believe in what I have been saying all along..it’s something they put in our food to make us the way we are and in the dirty air we breath and in dirty water we drink and environment plays a big part in all this…if you go to other countries things might be very different but I totally believe it’s a population control and we are lab rats nothing more. I have the same issues you all have…but me and my husband have decided to make a stand and start the organic life style and although it has not got me any closer to the bed room to have sex with my husband it’s gotten us a little thinner and we are starting to connect a gain on every level. See my husband has diabetes and this stops him from being able to perform as well as his growth hormone is almost gone and I believe the years of eating food laced with chemicals that only have one thing in mind…to make doctor’s rich and to use us to test the products that the pharmaceutical companies are making. There is a lot here that we don’t see so look around and take the red pill before it’s too late.

I decided if I could not have sex with my husband I was going to enjoy doing it to myself. Buying sex toys and what not…until he could get to a health point he could. And if that never happens at least I am doing the enjoyable thing for me. I have not kissed anyone in years and yes I miss it and I miss the touching and romantic side of what we used to have but it’s my hopes that will come back.

February 24, 2012 at 10:48 am
(720) Unanimous says:

To the guy below who maybe in denile, one of three things; your not a ladies man, your gay, or you find enjoyment in masturbation. Sex is a feeling unmatched. You have to experience it yourself before going off on a tangent and posting all of that nonsense about individuality, blah, blah, blah stuff. A man has needs as so does a woman. Since you haven’t already figured that out at 52, I’m sure you’ll figure that out when you get older.

February 29, 2012 at 4:25 am
(721) yaakov says:

wow these people in here are like telling my story

February 29, 2012 at 4:31 am
(722) stillhangininthere says:

great place like reading my life story

February 29, 2012 at 4:42 am
(723) stillhangininthere says:

didn’t know that some men wern’t enteresed in sex thought all men needed sex… WOW am i suprised

February 29, 2012 at 4:54 am
(724) stillhangininthere says:

to lifeisgood sure there is life love after 40 50 and even 60 and so on there is always somebody out there thats needs that emteyness filled in there heart stemed from bad marrages and other things

February 29, 2012 at 5:04 am
(725) stillhangininthere says:

got that right mark these men that’s not taking care of there women making us all look bad. men get your butt in gear and start satisfying your wifes

March 2, 2012 at 4:03 am
(726) stillhangininthere says:

your right too loney lover thats want we stared to do going orgaic and fruits and vegaables ever heard of the makers diet by jordan rubin read his story and check out want he has. since i cut out the meat iv’e lost weaght and my wife has too eating clean foods and not eating bottom feeders you know like lobsters catfish or any of that stuff there their to keep the waters clean. and people eat this stuff and wonder why they are sick and of course the pig. hey were jewish. but anyway but yea it’s not helped my love life much but seemed like were more relaxed around each other than before

March 6, 2012 at 10:21 pm
(727) So Sad says:

Married 30 years, no sex, no kissing, no communication for the past 15 years, so sad, there has got to be something better for me. I want out of this so-called marriage…

March 6, 2012 at 10:24 pm
(728) So Sad says:

Married 30 years, past 15 years no sex, no kissing, no communication, I just exist in the other room. There has to be more for me. I want out of this so-called marriage. I am so sad and depressed.

March 7, 2012 at 10:02 am
(729) Drive says:

Men screw your wife !!! Women screw your husband !!! Gosh !!! I am so ticked off !!! It is Gods gift to us humans!!! It is a sacred gift. Why rob yourself of this. Or why rob her or him of this, you tell him or her you love him, gosh darn it, SHOW IT. Screw his or her brains out !!! Love her body, love his body, kiss it, caress it, as if there is no tomorrow. People the Lord made it holy for you to enjoy each other. Why would you place your husband, or wife in a position where they have to look for it elsewhere !!! I’m so freakin upset !!! You would screw him or her before marriage, when it was not holy, or right, or morally correct, But now your are free to do this, but yet do not. It is a privilege from God, and what do you do ? Men, women love your spouses, it is not only good for them, It is GOOD for you !!!, AND I am not just talking about orgasm. There are many men,….and women who wish to be in a loving, romantic, intimate relation with the counter part, but for a reason or another, are not blessed with one, or that no one cares for them. My goodness, someone cares for you, care for them back. Love them, touch them, please them, give them the pleasures of marriage. Give them the pleasures of waking up in the morning, and have them say to you, “Wow, thank you, thanks for last night, I love you hun” !!!

March 7, 2012 at 10:03 am
(730) Drive says:

NOW for those unfortunate: I’m so sorry, And I am deeply broken for you all. Deeply. And as much and as great and fulfilling as sex is, I can tell you this, Continue to love your spouses. And continue to love them with all your heart. But this I want you to do. TAKE THEM OFF THE PEDESTAL. And put God first. Put HIM on the pedestal. Research about Him. Find out why He sent His Son, Research as much as you can about Him. In fact, everything. And start praying to Him, and everything about your life, specially about your spouse. Put God first. Sing to God, Praise God, Read His word,- the bible, and attend gatherings that teach and have fellowships of Him. Do this religiously for at least 1 year, preferably 3. Do this with all your heart, not half hearted. Then you will see what God is able to do with your marriage !!! Now for those believers out there. My Brothers, and Sisters, continue following the Lord, and honoring Him, and your marriage, God has a plan of victory, and it’s for His glory. And for sure you’d want to be part of it. Do not defile your marriage. I love you all. I do. I truly do…… pray for me as I pray for you. in Jesus name, Yeshua. Amen

Lastly I say, what have you got to lose ? You’ve tried it your way, and it did not work ! Or is not working. Now, try Jesus and His ways. You deserve it, and so does your spouse. God truly want to bless you with an awesome marriage. Try Him. Again, What have you got to lose. If you did, or are doing the best you can already and doing your best to follow the ways of Christ, and you did your best to love God, continue persisting in His ways, literally following the bible word for word. And watch, it will change. That’s backed by the bible guarantee. Try Him.

March 7, 2012 at 12:12 pm
(731) cp;ette says:

I am 61, my husband is 73. He is unable to have sex, owing to medications, and I have been desperate for a man’s love for many years. It has been at least 5 years since we have attempted sex, and even that was a big failure. My husband has never cared much for trying to please a woman, sex in the past was always a quick act that only satisfied him. A few months ago, I met an old friend of 40 years, He was in the same situation as I was – a sexless relationship. We formed an attachment and fell deeply in love.It was the most incredible relationship of my life – and we were going to be married as soon as I could complete the divorce. My love died just last month of a heart attack. My heart is broken – I guess I will remain in this heartless marriage because my husband wants me to. He doesn’t feel I should need sex – because “women don’t”.

March 8, 2012 at 3:42 pm
(732) Drive says:

Hi cp;ette I’m broken for you in many fold. First, by what your husband is putting you through. I wish to stand and slap your husband behind his head to wake him up. If Christ was visible, he may too.

I do not know if he knows how to hears Gods promptings, or His voice, or His instruction. Or if God has been trying to reach Him for many decades. Maybe because your husband has a deaf ear (even though he has good ears, he cannot hear), or his stubbornness, or pride, or ignorance, that he has been ignoring the voice of the Lord. OR your husband may not even know the ways of God. For the Lord, our God instructs us to love our wife like Christ loves the church. You see cp;ette , Christ loves the church soooooo MUCH ! So for him not to love you, means he does not know Gods ways. cp;ette, Please read my letter above, please do.

cp;ette, I want you to research about Abram and Sarai, they were still having sex at 100 years old. Find out why they had a name change. Yes it’s true !!! 100. So cp;ette, your still young. And you have the right to feel the way you feel….loveless. The saddness you are enduring. But your focus is so off, both you and your old friend, because both of you were married,…but not to each other. While I cannot speak about his death. What occurred was not good. Because you’ve broken the vows. …In good, and in bad, in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor. But I am not here to condemn you, I have no right. God does not, so neither should I, or anyone for that matter. But Jesus said, I come here to give you life. cp;ette, there is nothing impossible to God, And he certainly can cure your loveless, and sexless marriage-with your husband! But you have to seek God first, and His ways, His ways to victory. Matthew 6:33 (google it)

March 12, 2012 at 3:06 am
(733) jay says:

I am in a relationship where I haven’t had sex for two years. I am quite comfortable, that was until I had a friend telling me I should be having sex and a counsellor too. So much for the friend’s support, she just pitied me. If I wanted her pity I would’ve asked for it, it did however leave me feeling quite angry about my personal life. I am quite comfortable with having not having sex, well that was until somebody gave me their opinion. Our sexless relationship started when my partner developed a heart condition and he had to have open heart surgery meanwhile I got comfortable not having sex being on anti psychotic medication and we choose not to have it, I am believing it seems to complicate things now, we can be our own person, but still love one another. It is nobody’s business to come in between that. It really ruffled my feathers when I got told my friend’s opinion, what you do in your relationship if it personally suits you may be best. I hope this has helped someone.

March 24, 2012 at 5:51 pm
(734) fred says:

Of course most of the women on here are saying no sex is ok that because they dont have the need to release as often as men look it up its true. Its not also true for every women every one is different now look at a young man who has a hard on and cant stop thinking about it sex that is . well it doesnt change much and women that dont want sex after they have married its because they used their god given tools (their body) to get what they want and no longer feel the need to work for it. Once again not all women are in this group. The men that put up this no sex are the men who dont need sex to begin with. Average male needs sex more than the women the womnen who say no more sex after marriage are with the wrong guy. Get with a girl who gives it up not because she s as horny as u but sbecause she loves u enough to pretend she is . same with guys you dont want to go shoopping as much as she does but its a 2 way street you fake it cause you love the way she fakes it in bed. Just if you dont want it get out. I spent 17 years with someone who didnt want it and now im alone and also just as horny as i was 17 years ago . so both sexex stop living the lie

March 26, 2012 at 12:34 am
(735) PreachingToTheChoir says:

Fred, you are wrong, as are many men who come to this site.

You want to believe the stereotype – that it’s always women who quit having sex and it’s men who have to beg for it. If you look through all these posts, you will find that many women are going through the same thing you are.

For some reason, it always seems harder for men to let go of that stereotype. But I’m asking you to keep an open mind and understand that there are many women, myself included, who had a man who just stopped having sex one day or over a period of time. And it had nothing to do with our level of attractiveness or wanting sex.

What happened to me, a woman, is exactly what happened to you and to this day, I still don’t know why.

i don’t think it’s ok that your partner stopped having sex with you. It’s never ok to abandon people, especially people you love. I feel your pain and loss and I hope you find a place where you can understand that what happened had to do with that particular person, not all women.

March 27, 2012 at 3:12 am
(736) stillhanginthere says:

goss i still miss those nights of coming in the bedroom at night with the lights off slipping in the bed and feel that warm female body next to mine her breasts pushing up agaist my chest… wow it was bueatiful

March 27, 2012 at 3:19 am
(737) stillhanginthere says:

sorry people just look over me i just want express how i’m feeling it’s been so long i want that slow passionate kissing back ohh them soft lips her kissing my chest and me..we’ll you know. i’m trying yall but it hurts soo bad sometimes

March 27, 2012 at 6:29 am
(738) JadedWife says:

Married for nearly five years and in those five years we have had sex maybe 5-6 times with the last encounter taking place in December 2009! I am in my early 30′s, work full time, size 2, have been told I have a good personality and get hit on all the time..the problem my husband says is that sex takes too long and masturbation to porn is faster and easier for him. I am married to a man who basically pulled the bait and switch. If I would’ve known that I was going to resign my sexuality and become a born again virgin, I wouldn’t of gotten married and especially brought children in to this nightmare. I am miserable, lonely, bitter, resentful and remain for the children. Men, before you start to blame me or other women in frigid marriages, I have tried to make myself available, initiated daily for years and have been turned down every single time only to hear him jacking off to porn in the living room when he thinks I went to sleep. I had an affair after years of denial and honestly I see why people chose to have affairs after being denied this basic need. If you are a man and wacking off to porn or shutting your eyes to pretend you are banging a porn star, don’t get too upset if your wife decides to step out on you for some enjoyment also.

April 1, 2012 at 1:06 am
(739) Daniel Jimenez says:

I am going crazy not being able to make love to my wife as often as I want & leaving her is not an option for me cause I am in love w/her but I also want more of her. Is their a pill w/no side effects she can take so she can want me as much as I want her. cause I can’t even live w/the thought of abstenense & much less like whoever made that
comment above that her and her husband agreed to never have sex
WELL OBVIOUSLY SHE IS TALKING FOR HIM CAUSE SHE DOESN’T
WANT THE HEATSEEKING MOISTURE MISSLE.

April 1, 2012 at 10:24 am
(740) AMY says:

Now everyone will think my husband is gay, But I want to start out by saying I’ve hired a detective on many occassions to follow him and nothing has turned up.
Weve been married 45 years and we had sex the first, last and only time on our wedding night, and that lasted maybe 10 minutes. I didn’t think it was anything special. That was my first time for sex I was a virgin and still consider myself a virgin.
Myhusband who is more vocal than I said he hated it, was meaningless, disgusting, no excitement, and way to much work for so little.Also he said he never wanted it again. I said marriage isn’t suppose to be that way its about two people in love , togetherness, intimacy and maybe starting a family. He wanted nothing to do with a family. If I wanted one go elseware and make sure he supports any kids cause I’m not. He moved all his stuff to the basement and then moved from the first shift to the midnight shift at work and the rest is history. We lived in the same house but apart, some what like apartment dewellers or brother sister arrangement. Depression , lonelyness and hate, confusion is all I feel.

April 12, 2012 at 8:00 am
(741) Preaching to the Choir says:

Dear Amy,

It took me five years, but I finally knuckled down, got myself financially solvent and then I went back to school.

I’m not making a mint, but I can support myself without him.

He is finally moving out May 1 and I can’t wait.

If you read back through my posts, the first time I posted here was in January of 2009. I didn’t tell him I wanted to break up until March of 2010 and it’s been two years actually making it happen.

The point is, you have to come to your own realizations about whether you want to stay in the relationship or not, but when you decide it’s over, make it happen, no matter how long it takes.

I had to help him get a better job. I went back to school, got an Associates degree and got a better job. He had to get a car. Then an apartment. And the closer we got to breaking up, the more he tried to claim illness as a reason for us not to break up.

But the bottom line is: it’s over and I’ve moved on. When he moves out, I will post again. It’s been a long road. I don’t know if I will ever find anyone again, but chances are that once I move this big rock out of my path, there will be room for something else more useful and wonderful to fill that space.

No Amy, what you’re going through is not fair. But it’s your choice whether you live with it or not.

Take your time and make up your mind. But he’s not going to change.

April 29, 2012 at 6:22 pm
(742) Alexandra says:

Hi everyone,
Just spent the past few hours reading this thread. Never realized that I wasn’t the only one with this problem. Feeling numb and disconnected due to my marriage of 14 years, sexless for roughly half the time. I am 39 husband is 50. One kid 11 yrs.

Husband and I have not had sex for 8 years. I remember thinking during our honeymoon that he didnt seem very interested in sex. As the years passed, the sex was less and less frequent. After I got pregnant, the sex stopped, and I thought things wd be better after childbirth. Nope, it wasn’t.

April 29, 2012 at 6:24 pm
(743) Alexandra says:

(cont’d)
The upshot was, I fell for an attractive guy at work, my age, single. He made me feel like I was appealing as a woman. He had other women who were pursuing him but he wd ask me out. We never had a sexual affair but it was an ‘emotional’ affair. I felt v guilty and in the end, we stopped seeing each other. My husband knew about my relationship with this other guy (lasted about one yr) but he did not leave me. I know I have hurt him deeply. I cried and asked for his forgiveness and he has said that he has forgiven me. We tried to make our marriage work but there was no sex from then on, despite my many attempts to initiate sex. And 8 yrs passed. He wd say that he is tired from work, or some other excuse. I stopped asking after a while as it felt humiliating and pathetic.

Like many others who have posted on this thread, I feel that i am living with a roommate or brother. There is much warmth and affection and we enjoy each other’s company. But I do not see him in any sexual or romantic way at all now, after these 8 years.

April 29, 2012 at 6:25 pm
(744) Alexandra says:

(cont’d)
While reading everyone’s posts on this thread, I was crying. Because of the shock of recognition, of my numbness and how cut off from myself and my needs I have been over these years. I am very guilty for falling for the other guy in the past. But, I have asked for forgiveness and feel like I am being punished for something that happened 8 years ago every single day. As a result, I do not feel anything besides a sense of companionship for my husband and I am feeling deeply resentful and angry.

I am terrified of walking out on our relationship and am mindful of my young son’s needs to have a complete family. My husband is a good provider, caring friend and he helps me to cheer up when I have had a lousy day at work. Because of these, I have been able to make it for these 8 years w/o thinking of leaving. But I think emotionally I have checked out and I don;t see him as more than my brother or roommate anymore. I am thinking of going for marriage counselling but ask myself if he decides to change and put the sex back in our relationship would I still want him, and I am very close to the tipping point and saying no. I am envisioning our future together as roommates and it is incredibly a lonely and frightening vision.

To those of you out there w this problem, know that another person has joined your ‘club’. I have no solutions to my problem and am unfit to offer anyone advice. If anyone has advice for me, I will be grateful.

April 30, 2012 at 6:00 am
(745) Charlotte says:

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 20 years, though we have never married. We are very compatible in every way, except without any sex. I crave intimacy, not necessarily full sex, but I don’t get either. I can count how many times we’ve had full intercourse in those 20 years, he’s never been able to ‘see it through’ always goes soft in the midst of lovemaking. We’ve tried other methods, in the past and very infrequently, always the same result!
I felt resentment creeping in towards him. We often argued. But at work I could forget about it. I would often attempt to initiate things, to no avail. He has never initiated anything, ever. I began to wonder if I was unattractive. What on earth could make him not want me? At the height of my career 10 years ago, I became very seriously ill, almost overnight. I have M.S. I suggested, if he could not cope with this that he could leave, if he wanted to, as I realised how much care may be involved, I knew how ill I was. He declined, saying he loved me and wanted to care for me. A lovely thing to do, and I’m most grateful.
Except the original problem is much worse now I’m ill. I crave intimacy and am almost suicidal at times because I am a prisoner in my own home, totally dependent on help, and never getting any intimacy at all. It’s like living with a brother or kind uncle. It’s cruelty to the person who craves intimacy. When I bring the subject up, he blames me. It’s just awful being in this situation. I wonder if there’s a medical reason but he just clams up. Is he gay? He denies this, I have asked several times in a non-accusatory manner, and yes he hits the roof at my daring to ask such a question. He reckons it’s women who attract him (just not me obviously!) I don’t know what to do as so utterly dependent on him now, which isn’t an attractive thing to admit, but things haven’t changed since my healthy years, they are just magnified now. I know in my heart things aren’t going to get better.

April 30, 2012 at 6:08 am
(746) Charlotte says:

I wonder if there’s a medical reason but he just clams up. Is he gay? He denies this, I have asked several times in a non-accusatory manner, and yes he hits the roof at my daring to ask such a question (thing is I know he had a homosexual relationship in his teens, and was able to ‘get off’ he told me this during an argument years ago) Yet he reckons it’s women who attract him (just not me obviously!) I don’t know what to do as so utterly dependent on him now, which isn’t an attractive thing to admit, but things haven’t changed since my healthy years, they are just magnified now. I know in my heart things aren’t going to get better. Do I live the rest of my life in a frustrated sexless relationship with a vile illness to boot? I don’t want to, but I do love him. I just don’t feel loved, at all.

Thank you for sharing your stories. It helps to know I’m not alone …

April 30, 2012 at 6:21 am
(747) Charlotte says:

Alexandra, like you, I cried when reading the many stories on this thread. The feeling of not being alone in my loneliness

Thank you for sharing your stories, just knowing there are others in the same position is a huge help. Charlotte

May 9, 2012 at 9:18 pm
(748) Jacuzzis in Chicago says:

This web site really has all of the info I wanted concerning this subject and didn�t know who to ask.

May 10, 2012 at 2:40 pm
(749) sp says:

Not saying that all above was a big surprise for me. I’m really wasn’t thinking that I’m the only one who’s sexual life in marriage very scarce and and close to non-existent. Thing really surprised me was how many women have the problem which mostly, as per my sources (I’m a guy after all, so it’s natural to have more sources of information from the friends of the same gender), was appearing for the men. Many of my friends complaining about the same – before marriage their sex life was blooming but after the ceremony some switch turned off and that’s all. Maybe this is exaggregation, but for the most of them sex became a rare thing, especially after the children born.
Sex now only occurs as a gift or a favor, or just mechanical thing to conceive the child – that even worse than complete absense, last sex I had about 5 monthes ago was like that, we had a lots of sex trying to conceive a child, but there was no passion just mechanical actions aiming to put some sperm where it should be in order to have a kid. Before that sex was more act of pity from the side of the wife, and this kills most of the desire. I was gone through this myself, after many rejections like “I’m tired”, “I’m want some sleep”,”I don’t feel like I want it today”, “the child will wake up”, “I’m pregnant so better not to” or just “I’m not interested in this anymore” etc. I just gave up on whole thing saying to myself “why should I beg?”, I can live whithout sex just jerkin’ off from time to time, especially when sex is more mechanical with no response from the other side then pleasurable for me in such conditions.

May 10, 2012 at 2:42 pm
(750) sp says:

part 2
We wil have 10 year annivesary this year and I’m a bit frustrated about the thing, despite I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t need any sex and trying to find the reasons why we are in such situation.
We had quite a regular sexual life before the marriage, almost every day, sometimes not even bothering about the period, but after the marriage like in many stories this started to fade away and stopped completely for almost three years from the first pregnancy, than small period of irregular contacts came and than agail long period of sexless life ended with activities in order to conceive the second child. And looking to the future, I’m thinking that this was the last sex with the wife which I had for the long period of time or even for the rest of the life – maybe it sonds quite pessimistic but current outlook indeed looks gloomy for me.

May 10, 2012 at 2:43 pm
(751) sp says:

part 3
Maybe the problem lies in me, I’m just not have any sexual expirience or even expirience in courting women except of my wife-to-be, she was my first and will be probably last, when she had much more expirience with other guys. Or maybe I’m thinking about sex too much, giving too much significance to this aspect of the life/ I’ve trying to speak with her, but no avail she just says “I don’t want it anymore”, or ‘I want it sometimes but you … were to late to come to bed/did not noticed/etc”. So every time I’m the one to blame either I’m “wanting too much sex”, “being pervert” or not noticing she wants it.
In all other aspects I love my wife and may to say that we living in harmony, if not this sexless existence. It is more frustrating in a wy due to that my sex drive never been too high, or maybe I never used it to the full extent hoping that I’ll have enough sex in the marriage and now in my early thirties I’m starting to think that this whole part of life just passed by me.
I’m not asking for any solutions, whole above writings are just some sort of venting my inner stress in order to feel a bit better even for short time. So thank you for reading anyway

May 14, 2012 at 2:37 am
(752) Hossie says:

Menopause is well known to cause a lack of interest in sexual relations. I know women suffer menopause at different ages. I hear there is a theory that men also suffer some form of menopause, so if this is the case, couldn’t a lack of hormones be the cause of what everyone is talking about ?

May 16, 2012 at 11:11 am
(753) exasperated says:

NobodyReally….
Your comment rang really true to me. I feel like my wife has been emotionally abusing me for many, many years. I can’t bear it anymore. I’ve held out hope all these years that she would find it in her heart to address her neglectful ways, but her energy is now spent “fighting back” at any “criticism” I have. And when I say “criticism,” I mean going to her in times of peace and calmly trying to tell her how lonely I feel. Anything like this is considered criticism, as far as she’s concerned. I am met with wild-eyed retorts, anecdotal examples of when I lost my cool ( as if a person who’s been rejected and neglected for almost twenty years is never supposed to lose their cool)…ANYTHING that makes her feel justified for neglecting me. It’s almost like she feels insecure and admitting to herself that she’s been so abusive would just be another blow to her self-esteem. My emotional health is not important enough to her to go that route. I’m at the end of my rope. I’m exasperated, heartbroken and lonely.

May 17, 2012 at 3:52 pm
(754) TjT says:

I have read these posts until my eyes are watering, Have you ever thought that if you would spend more time making your partner feel wanted and special I mean really special like they are the only person on earth special and learning that persons needs they may want to not only have sex but to make love which by the way are to totally differant meanings I really don’t like sex however I do like to make love which can last more than a 15 min sex thing, making-love can last hours , days and even a life time, Just think about that and see if you can too find the true meaning of these word and if you really love a person not just living with them to be comfortable, thats by the way called settleing then you may find your true love and living a very happy and worth living life style thats worth every second of living.

May 18, 2012 at 11:53 pm
(755) Rog says:

A friend once told me “it’s not that women don’t like sex, they just don’t want it with you Roger” That sort of summed it up. So from my perspective, women don’t like sex (at least not with me) and I’ve since accepted that. So it no longer bothers me. I am now on 19 years sexless since my last ‘time’. I’m now 44. If I added up all the sex I’ve had in my life, I wouldn’t need to use my toes. Like the song ‘Desperado’ goes, the feeling does go away.
I do take care of myself twice daily thanks to free Internet porn.
Women are and always will be ‘just friends’ to me. The best things are, I still have my hair, I have a great job & saved a lot and deal with no stress, unlike my married/divorced male friends. It’s best to always look at the positive.

May 19, 2012 at 10:18 pm
(756) Pastor Loveless says:

I’ve been married for over 15 years. Over the years I had to convince my wife that our sex life was commissioned by God. Over the years little things have been eliminated from the relationship on her part. Can you imagine? I began thinking to myself, am I to give up every imaginable pleasure in the world! I became so depressed and turned to other things. I simply think my wife is an uptight prude with unresolved incest issue in her past! I hate my vocation, I hate my marriage and I hate the fact that so many people stay in awful situations!

May 20, 2012 at 12:44 am
(757) stillhangininthere says:

hello all i’m back.look at the good thing friends most of us has something in common so that make it interesting and not boring. yes it would be nice to just switch but i know that would be wrong.but it would be nice. it would be great to make love to a woman 2 or 3 times a weeki i try to stay busy like walking and working on things if that helps anybody hope we all find closer hate lieing in bed hurting and aching needing that human touch

May 20, 2012 at 12:50 am
(758) stillhangininthere says:

reading takes your mind off of it too

May 20, 2012 at 1:38 am
(759) stillhangininthere says:

i read some of these posts from women on here and it’s like there talking to me directly like were alone have you notice we are all cut off from our mates sexually wanting to feel that connecing once more.mmmm are we paying for want our fathers did. or us on this post and others in the world that are going thru this are we choosein for a greater purpose are we made to suffer for a reason was it lack of attection when we where young as a child and we need that wholeness will it be the oppisite when we pass on when we get to the other side will we merit something greater for this suffering.things don’t happen without a purpose .has antbody notice this?

May 20, 2012 at 10:27 pm
(760) move on says:

you guy’s need to stop wondering why this is happening to you and start thinking about how you will move on and start over. if you’ve talked it over and nothing has changed it never will. every relationship starts off with lots of sex but then it slows down and stops over time no matter what age you are. more often then not because your partner is bored and wants something new.even if you love him or her soooo much it will not make them have more sex with you. please people stop spending your life’s trying to fix something that can not be fixed and find someone who enjoys you for you.i went through it for 10 years crying at night busting my brain on how i can fix it but trust me it cant be fixed. after you’ve put up with it for 10-15-20 years togehere your partners know your not going anywhere so why would they force them self’s to have sex with you. everyone needs to wake up and smell the coffee or there going to spend there life’s very lonely and angry.

May 22, 2012 at 2:45 am
(761) stillhanginthere says:

sometimes something has to happen in the marrage sometimes for the worse if you can get thru it it can draw you closer mabe seprate yourself from each other for a while

May 22, 2012 at 3:08 am
(762) stillhanginthere says:

thought of something last night i think thats why a lot of people go into porn because they have felt intimicy before for somebody and got it in return and then after that the person leaves and they can’t find the rite one to reach that intimicy with and love making with so they go into porn trying to find intimcy there but are mastakin. yes the physcail act is involved in the intimcy but the porn is conterfit.because like one of these comment on here sex is just for a few min but true intimcy with the physcal and the spiritly and councly level can last for days. it’s like if you experice deep intimcy with your mate and night that intimcy can last all day and and vice a vera it would be like your still doing it long after your not. hope this is not too confuseing just some of my thoughts all mixed together

May 22, 2012 at 3:20 am
(763) stilllhanginthere says:

if a person leaves somebody because the other is bored of them make sure the other person you meet don’t let it be just sex let it be deep intimcy with the other person because true true intimcy never gets boring i know people in ther old age that has that and it’s like there first time everytime they do it

May 22, 2012 at 3:23 am
(764) stillhanginthere says:

does anybody remember the singer rick springfield from the 1980′s if so listion to the song human touch.the song tell alot want we need

May 23, 2012 at 5:03 pm
(765) Thomas says:

Do you see all of the above? Yes?

Ok, so, if you get married. You are either a: blind. or b: stupid.

Marriage is a sex killer – Case Closed.

May 24, 2012 at 7:06 pm
(766) dont want to leave a name says:

In not one of these posts has anyone mentioned the fact that some of the people who do not want to have sex with their spouses can not help feeling the way they do. I have no inclination to have sex with my husnband or anyone else either EVER agian, not because I am a mean selfish b***h the way some of you posters may portray me, but because I just have no desire whatsoever anymore. I don’t get turned on by porn, not one guy out there does it for me sexually, I don’t fantasize about being with someone else.i just don’t think about sex at all, I don’t have all the fluttery feelings one gets when one has sex. There is just nothing there. I think that some of the ladies on here have said the same things. And one poster on here had said that we are selfish and should be ashamed of ourselves for denying our partner what they want…..I am not denying him of my own free will. I can’t help it, my body is not responding anymore at all. When we were younger we went at it like rabbits. 3 kids and lots of life later(not all of it good), I am so over it. Sex is really not all its cracked up to be. If my husband is so unhappy, there is the door. No one is stopping him from walking out, and no one is stopping any of you so stop complaining about not gettting any and just go because it’s not going to change.

May 27, 2012 at 3:23 am
(767) stillhanginthere says:

easyer said than done.on the a and b question people go in on true lasing love or lust not blind or stubid or it could blind or stubid. both need to be very very sure want they want before they do so. that’s my view point i know others have there views.

May 27, 2012 at 3:28 am
(768) stillhanginthere says:

mabe for some of us it’s not complaining it goes much deeper than that. looking thru our own eyes not the others

May 27, 2012 at 3:58 am
(769) stillhanginthere says:

please don’tget mad at me all.i like coming here i know i can come here and express myself and there is someone always listioning.coming here is like…..you know them beer pubs they have by the sea shore in like in irland stays open all the time and all the loney sailers come there at night coming from off of the sea after a long trip from the other side of the world to tell exsperices they have had to the other sailers there life storys nothing to gain because they know that the other sailers know want there going thru when they look into the other sailers eyes they are like a mirror they see there self and some way they can trust each other too. thanks everybody here for listoning to me might get some neg or pos but hay somebodys listiong. i know there is some very nice and beutiful people here by the way they talk some are angry i like you too and respect you. for give me for raddling on. we’ll might be back in a few days anyway have a great week all shalom

May 28, 2012 at 12:16 am
(770) Rog says:

I am not complaining nor am I in