About Marriage

All You Need is Love is a Myth

2009-07-15T02:39:33Z

According to a recent study, if you want your marriage to last a long time, you need more than love. Love is certainly important, but factors such as your age difference, income, smoking habits, and being opposites can eventually hurt your marriage.

From 2001 through 2007, Australian researchers Dr. Rebecca Kippen, Professor Bruce Chapman, and Dr. Peng Yu tracked 2,482 couples. The study, What's love got to do with it? Homogamy and dyadic approaches to understanding marital instability, examines the "factors which currently determine marital longevity."

"We find the following factors are associated with higher risk of marital separation: large age difference between husband and wife, wife has a much stronger preference than her husband for a(nother) child, young age at marriage, separation of husband's parents, resident children born before marriage, dissatisfaction with the relationship, low household income, husband is unemployed, wife drinks more than her husband, and one spouse smokes where the other does not ... Perhaps surprisingly, we find that the following differences in variables between marriage partners are not associated with separation: education, country of birth, and religiosity."

We are not surprised by the results of the study. Other research on marriage and divorce had similar findings although the Australian study didn't link religious differences to divorce.

So what are you to do if your marriage has several negative factors listed in the study? Two thoughts:

First, don't panic and remember that your marriage is unique. Bob and I are about as opposite as we can be, have weathered some rough patches together, and we are approaching our 46th wedding anniversary. If you do sense that your marriage is in trouble, don't wait to get professional help.

Second, make time for one another on a regular basis. We mean time to talk, time to have fun, time to connect with each other.

More Tips for a Long Lasting Marriage

Uncomfortable Truths or Overreaction?

2009-07-11T05:30:41Z

The cover story of the July 13, 2009 Time magazine is "Unfaithfully Yours." With the premise that "Infidelity is eroding our most sacred institution," author Caitlin Flanagan considers in her essay, "How to make marriage matter again."

Asking if there is hope for the American marriage, Flanagan discusses the affairs of Governor Mark Sanford and Senator John Ensign in the first 1/4th of the article. The rest of the article is focused on describing the breakdown of the "intact, two-parent family," the effects of divorce on children, the Gosselins' failing marriage, and what America needs to do to make marriage "matter."

Flanagan's answer? "It is time instead to come to terms with both our unrealistic expectations for a happy marriage and our equally unrealistic beliefs about the consequences of walking away from the families we build. The fundamental question we must ask ourselves at the beginning of the century is this: What is the purpose of marriage? ... What we teach about the true meaning of marriage will determine a great deal about our fate."

In a related photo slideshow, photographer Lauren Fleishman looks at couples married for 50 years. Two quotes we liked:

Theauther Love: "Love is sharing with one another. Don't care what you have you share what you have. And be willing to give. Another thing I tell people now is that you have to be able to bend a little bit."
Cathy Pastorino: "With love you have to trust each other. You need good communication."

Read Flanagan's article and let us know your thoughts. We think the purpose of marriage is more than raising kids.

We like what Dennis Weaver wrote about marriage, "By the nature of marriage, because the husband and wife live in such proximity, it is by far life's most critical relationship, and the one that allows us the grandest opportunity to express the purpose of life, which is to love and to be loved."

Marriage in the Suburbs -- 60s Style

2009-07-09T04:42:44Z

Although the movie "Bachelor in Paradise" didn't receive great reviews back in 1961, watching it tonight was fun. The movie stars Bob Hope and Lana Turner and has music by Henry Mancini.

Set in the suburbs, the movie was a flashback for us to 1960s' decor, music, architecture, cars, and fashion along with society's expectations of marriage when we married. I can't say the movie has any great message about marriage. But it did make us laugh and that's a pretty good way to spend an evening together.

The Importance of Now

2009-07-06T04:33:26Z

Some days have more "aha" moments than others. Today, while reading through articles I saved in the "read later" program by Instapaper, I had a flashback and an awareness.

Jay Dixit in Psychology Today, wrote that you can have a more satisfying marriage if you live in the moment.

Over thirty years ago, when our premature daughter Susan Sarah was dying, Bob and I made the decision to live in the moment and to appreciate the moments, the "now" we had with Susan. The awareness today was that we have done a pretty good job of continuing to live "now" and to not allow the past or the future to take today away from us.

How do you live in the moment? What tips can you share to help others live in the moment? Share Your Tips

Crash and Burn Predictors

2009-07-02T17:52:07Z

Whenever we see a commercial for the Bridezillas television show or read news about out of control brides and grooms, we cringe. Don't these people sense that their chances of having a happy marriage are slim?

Dr. John Gottman has a mathematical equation that predicts with 94 percent accuracy whether or not a marriage will last. Now, a wedding planner, Samantha Goldberg, shares five signs that "are predictors of whether a couple will live happily ever after or bite the dust."

The signs that Goldberg mentions in the Cosmopolitan article include choosing the wedding cake, interferring mothers, the wedding dress, the bachelor party, and how a couple argues. We agree with her.

Red flags are warning signs. They are alerts that things are not right in a relationship and that the couple needs help. There are ways that a couple can lower their odds for divorce before they marry.

Goldberg shared an example of an engaged couple she refused to work with because she was sure the marriage wouldn't last. It would be great if wedding officiants made the same decision when they recognized a couple in trouble. A couple could then postpone the wedding and attend an additional premarital workshop if they truly want a successful marriage.

Photo: Don Farrall / Getty Images

These Statements Are Hard to Believe

2009-06-30T23:40:41Z

As we read through the news reports today about the Sanford saga, we were shocked to see these stupid statements.

The first comment is a very depressing view of marriage. The other comments from Mark Sanford reveal he is still in love with his mistress and is defending his cheating. He sure doesn't sound like a man who wants to save his marriage.

1. "For most Christians, at some point in your marriage, if you're married long enough, you do it because that's what we're called to do -- out of obedience instead of out of passion. And I think that's where Mark and Jenny are right now."
Warren "Cubby" Culbertson, the Sanford's spiritual advisor per HuffingtonPost.com.
2. "I'm quite certain that there were a handful of instances [with several other women] wherein I crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed as a married man but never crossed the ultimate line."
Gov. Mark Sanford per CBSNews.com.

3. "This [relationship with Chapur] was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story. A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day."
Gov. Mark Sanford per NYTimes.com.

4. "I owe it too much to my boys and to the last 20 years with Jenny to not try this larger walk of faith [trying to fall back in love with Jenny.]"
Gov. Mark Sanford per NYTimes.com.

5. "It was wonderful. Something that I've never been able to put my hands on was there. I remember there was an older couple sitting to our right, and I remember them watching us, in the way that we interacted. They could see a spark, or, I don't know what you'd call it, but there was something there."
Gov. Mark Sanford per CBSNews.com.

6. "I will be able to die knowing that I had met my soul mate [Chapur]. But it was one of those things, I knew the cost."
Gov. Mark Sanford per Associated Press.

Hopefully, you agree with us that folks in long lasting marriages are together out of love and passion and not out of a sense of obligation and that Mark Sanford needs to quit defending his affair.

Is Lifelong Marriage Obsolete?

2009-06-29T01:04:37Z

In her article, "On marriage: Let's call the whole thing off", author Sandra Tsing Loh asks the question, "isn't the idea of lifelong marriage obsolete?"

Our answer to her question -- No.

We disagree with Loh's negative thoughts about marriage and her alternatives to marriage. Not all couples who find themselves in a rut, troubled by a lack of sex in their marriage, coping with a cheating spouse, or other issues, decide to throw in the towel.

There are many reasons that successful long lasting marriages exist. Along with love, respect, forgiveness, and being able to laugh together, these couples know how to communicate. And yes, they do keep their romance alive.

Poll:
Is the idea of lifelong marriage obsolete? Vote!

Are Riches More Important Than Love in Marriage?

2009-06-27T02:11:34Z

A movie I've watched many times and enjoyed each time is How to Marry a Millionaire. If you don't know the story, it is about three women who want to marry millionaires but end up marrying for love instead of money.

Lauren Bacall as Schatze Page: "Most women use more brains picking a horse in the third at Belmont than they do picking a husband."

Daniela Drake, M.D., and Elizabeth Ford, co-authors of Smart Girls Marry Money: How Women Have Been Duped Into the Romantic Dream -- And How They're Paying For It, believe that when choosing your spouse, you should choose money over love.

"Find your fortune while you're young and marry a man with money ... Now we're not saying that money equals happiness. Everyone knows even the very wealthy can be downright, even bitterly, miserable. This is not about 'happily ever after.' It's about being smart and avoiding economic disaster by clinging to old paradigms about love and marriage. Marrying for money isn't new." (pages 8-9)

While we think it takes more than love to have a successful marriage, placing being wealthy at the top of a list of qualities to look for in a spouse sure doesn't insure a successful marriage either.

Your thoughts?

This Week's Unfaithful Politician -- Just a "Sparking Thing"

2009-06-24T17:17:36Z

Mark Sanford referred to his year-long affair as "that whole sparking thing" and I got irritated. Sure, I was already irritated that another politician cheated on his wife. But to hear Mark Sanford describe his infidelity that way was the final straw in my irritability index for today.

Yes. emotional affairs are often gateway affairs that lead to sexual infidelity. But give me a break. In his press conference, Mark Sanford rambled on about needing time away and the Appalachian Trail, then this guy used words like "innocently" and "casual" to rationalize his affair. No rationalization Governor. The bottom line is this: You didn't fall into this affair. You chose to be unfaithful.

I like what Dahlia Lithwick and Hanna Rosin wrote about Sanford's comments.

Dahlia: "To hear Mark Sanford tell it, one day you�re home digging holes in the yard, the next you�re talking to some woman �about how she should get back with her husband for her two boys,� and then you�re swapping emails with her, and then, well ... 'that whole sparking thing.' This was truly one of the weirdest orations ever delivered ..."
Hanna: "Sanford went on and on, taking questions, delivering long sonnets to the forbidden love between him and Miss Argentina. He spent the last few days with her holed up and �crying,��a detail I�m sure his �absolute jewel� of a wife would love to know. He decided that yes, there was something �real� there �from a heart level� ..."

Although Jenny Sanford asked her husband to leave two weeks ago, she is open to reconciliation. Would you give your husband a second chance if during a trial separation he left the country to spend time with his mistress?

Did They Wait Too Long?

2009-06-23T03:42:09Z

Going through a divorce is one of the most difficult things an individual can face. Going through it as a celebrity must make the experience even harder to deal with. Getting divorced when your life is the subject of a reality television show certainly adds to the stress. Yet that is what Kate and Jon Gosselin are doing.

I'll admit that we haven't watched their show. Yet from the news articles, it appears that they made no attempt at marriage counseling. Did they wait too long to get counseling? Is one or both of them closed to the idea of reconciliation?

Kate is talking to the media about getting divorced to protect herself and the kids. Jon is talking to the media about how they are facing a crossroads in their marriage. Yet are they talking with one another? Their situation is so sad.