The Pros and Cons of Divorce Versus Marriage, According to the Experts

If your marriage has been on the rocks for quite some time, you've probably been wondering whether getting a divorce is the only solution. "Deciding to divorce is a huge decision that will have ripple effects on all areas of your life for years to come," says marriage and family therapist Rebecca Hendrix. While some struggling marriages can be repaired through therapy, better communication, improved resolution conflict, and more, others simply aren't salvageable, which makes divorce the best option. "If a couple believes that divorce is critical to both individuals living healthier lives, there is definitely hope on the other side," says Kim Hoertz, president and founder of The Graceful Exit.

No matter what your circumstances look like, grappling with whether or not to end your committed union shouldn't be taken lightly—the decision requires a great deal of thought and consideration. If you're unsure what the future of your marriage looks like and how to decide the best way forward, we recommend making a list of the pros and cons of filing for divorce and the pros and cons of staying married. At a loss for what to write? We asked the experts to unpack the advantages and drawbacks of each option to help you make this life-changing decision.

Ahead, the pros and cons of divorce versus marriage.

The Pros of Staying Married

Staying married to your partner is one possible outcome that has a handful of benefits, which the experts unpack below.

If You Have Kids, They Won't Have to Split Time Between Parents

Although "staying together for the kids" isn't always a viable option, it's definitely a big consideration for most couples. "When parents split, children have to adjust to new living arrangements: having clothes at mom and dad’s, rooms at each house," Hendrix notes. "In some cases, one parent moves to a different or nearby town, where visiting with them means the child is no longer near their friends." If you can repair your marriage, it will likely make life easier for your kids, given there isn't constant fighting or infidelity present in the household.

Your Income Flow Will Remain Intact

When you got married, you likely merged assets, like bank accounts and cards, 401ks, a house, cars, and so forth. If you split, so will those assets, and the lifestyle you've become accustomed to may get turned upside down. "Sometimes, once all assets are divided and settlement agreements are reached, one [person] has little money left to buy/rent a new home, so it can create financial hardship," Hendrix says. If you're in a partnership where only one person works, staying married means the non-working partner won't have to re-enter the workforce. Furthermore, Hoertz explains that you won't have to deal with the hefty legal fees of divorce warrants. Plus, she adds, there is typically a lower tax burden for married couples.

You Won't Have to Start Over and Find Someone New

Finding "the one" isn't easy the first time around, so starting over on your own after a divorce can be a challenge. "It’s not impossible to find a new partner—people do it all the time—but there are usually competing intentions: work, kids, self-care, me time," Hendrix contends. "If you are co-parenting, there might be little time to date because children have so many activities and needs." If you love your partner but your marriage is struggling, it may be worth it to try different ways to make it work, especially if you're raising children.

Hoertz advises trying discernment counseling, a type of counseling that helps couples find clarity about the direction their marriage is going. "Typically, in discernment counseling, couples consider whether each party is 'leaning into' or 'leaning out' of the marriage," Hoertz shares. Both perspectives are honored and discussed, and the goal is for the couple to take one of three paths: move forward with a divorce, commit to repairing their marriage via couple's counseling, or continue on their current course and postpone the decision.

The Cons of Staying Married

While staying married to your partner does have some pros to keep in mind, this choice also has multiple drawbacks. Keep scrolling to see what the experts have to say.

You Might Be Giving Up the Chance to Find a Better Fit

This is one of the biggest cons to staying in a loveless marriage for practical reasons. In the end, a split may be worth it if it means you have another chance to find true love. "If you are not in love with your partner and are only staying for other reasons, you may be giving up on having fulfillment in the love and relationship area of your life," Hendrix expresses. Further, staying in a monogamous marriage that is sexless will not allow you to experience that very important aspect of life.

You Could Remain Unfulfilled in Your Relationship

If you decide to stay with your partner, you're taking a chance knowing that things might not work out, despite your best efforts. You may never feel fulfilled in the relationship area of your life, which can have detrimental effects on your wellbeing. "It’s stressful to be happy in other areas of your life (i.e. career) but have your relationship be your Achilles heel," Hendrix states. "If you have taken your relationship as far as it can go and you still have little to no fulfillment, it can be hard to accept that this is as good as it gets in that area of your life."

You May Live With Resentment

If you stay in a failed marriage, you may consciously or unconsciously do things that bother your partner or ignore their requests simply because you feel slighted and blame them for your unhappiness. "Being angry and holding resentment for a long period of time is unhealthy," says Hendrix. "It can lead to depression, anxiety, or manifest physically with stomach problems, insomnia, migraines, or worse." It also has a detrimental effect on children. Young kids, per Hendrix, feel and absorb your anger, which can lead to anxiety and attachment issues.

Finding Yourself Can Be Harder

Although starting over is hard, it can also be refreshing. Many people who get divorced will seek help in the form of therapy, self-help books, or support groups, which allows them to develop emotionally and understand themselves on a deeper level. "Many go inwards to understand what got them to this point and use divorce as a catalyst for creating a better life," Hendrix says. "They use the pain of the divorce to grow, to focus on themselves, and often become healthier, stronger, and eventually use what they have learned to have a more fulfilling partnership the next time around with a partner who is a better fit for who they have become."

The Pros of Getting a Divorce

On the other hand, getting a divorce is another possible choice that has an array of advantages for you and your relationship. Read on to discover the pros associated with terminating your union.

You Will Enjoy Newfound Freedom

If you're married, you are probably familiar with the concepts of compromise and sacrifice. For instance, perhaps you felt the need to put your career on hold so that you could be more present in your kids' lives. Maybe you felt pressure to support your family financially, so you accepted a high-paying job with grueling hours. "An advantage of getting a divorce would be the opportunity to reset your financial priorities and have greater control over your finances," Hoertz says. Now that you are no longer a part of a couple, you are free to do the things you couldn't do when you were married. Go ahead, book that solo weekend getaway. You deserve it.

You Can Date New People

Whether you got married young and eventually fell out of love or you waited a while before tying the knot and feel like you settled, there are infinite reasons for getting a divorce. One big reason is feeling like the love between you and your spouse just isn't there. An amicable divorce is a pretty good option that allows you to rebuild a healthy, rewarding life with someone new. "You can date someone else and use what you learned from the past relationship to help you choose your next partner," licensed marriage and family therapist Tabitha Azor points out.

You Can Reconnect With Your Kids

Even though the initial shock of divorce may hurt your kids in the immediate, they may come to see it as a breath of fresh air—especially if you and your ex were constantly arguing, and the kids always ended up in the middle. Once the split is official, your children may let out a sigh of relief that they finally have two happy parents again. "Kids are extremely resilient and adapt to most situations," Hoertz remarks. "If the couple can find a way to co-parent and communicate effectively, they are teaching their children far more than they could model in an unhealthy marriage. Often, children coming from divorced households are likely to have increased empathy for others."

The Cons of Getting a Divorce

Just like staying with your significant other, dissolving your partnership also has repercussions, which you can read more about below.

You Will Drain Your Finances

Divorce isn't cheap: Both parties will incur attorney and legal fees—and they only add up when children are involved. The primary parent will often be entitled to child support, and in some cases, spousal support, and even the most robust household income will, in essence, be halved. Possessions, earnings, real estate holdings, and sometimes even debt get divided between you and your soon-to-be-ex. "Typically, if you can avoid hiring a lawyer to litigate, mediation is a more amicable and less expensive option to divorce," Hoertz notes.

You Will Deal With Difficult Emotional Ramifications

Even if a divorce is civil, that doesn't mean you are immune to negative (even devastating) feelings that may follow the split. It's also impossible to know beforehand when and how hard they'll hit you. Some people don't emotionally divorce their partners until after the legal process is over. And regardless of the problems you two had, you'll probably still harbor psychological attachments that can be difficult to shake.  Loneliness, sadness, self-blame, and worry, albeit normal, can be notoriously tough to bear, too.

You May Have to Navigate Friends and Family Picking Sides

Like your kids, your coworkers, friends, and family will also be impacted by your divorce. It's essential to recognize that cracks in third-party relationships can develop once the divorce is final. "If you have a solid friend network and get divorced, friends often consciously or unconsciously take sides," Hendrix admits. One thing to keep in mind, though: Anyone who willingly walks away from your friendship and love is not someone worth having in your life anyway. Real friends will stick by your side and support you.

How to Weigh the Pros and Cons

Now that you have a list of the pros and cons of divorce and marriage, you're probably wondering how to leverage these insights to actually arrive at a conclusion. Here, the experts share their top tips for navigating this difficult decision.

Step 1: Implement a Points System

Assigning each pro and con a score will help you determine which option holds the most weight. Before doing this, we recommend adding every other possible advantage or disadvantage that relates to your unique relationship. Next, examine each point listed in the pros and cons sections, and assign each one a positive or negative value. For instance, you could use +3 for positive outcomes (pros) and -3 for any negative outcome (cons). 

Then, tally up the pros of getting married, the pros of getting divorced, the cons of getting married, and the cons of getting divorced, separately. Based on the above list, without any added input, the score will look like: +9, -9, -12, -9. After doing the math, you’ll find that staying married is associated with the most cons.  

Step 2: Sit With the Results 

Just because your list of pros and cons tells you that staying married isn’t the best course of action, for example, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to let this tool get the final say. After you’ve tallied up the points, sit with the results for a bit and see what emotions and thoughts comes up for you. Perhaps you’re disappointed in the final score. If that’s the case, your intuition might be revealing your preferred decision, which is more telling than the mechanism itself. 

Step 3: Take More Time to Reflect

After you take those first few moments to sit with your list, you’ll need to reflect on a deeper level. Chances are, if your marriage has been anything but smooth sailing lately, you’ve already been spending a lot of time in your head, contemplating the best route to take. 

Instead of letting your thoughts run rampant, Azor suggests taking a hard look at your marriage and getting real about what it will cost you to stay versus leave (and your children, if applicable). Since you can only control how you contribute to your relationship, she recommends asking yourself, “Have I don’t everything in my power to make my marriage work?” “Marriage takes work, but that work must be done by two individuals, or it won’t work,” she says. “If your spouse is unwilling to cooperate, then it’s best to separate.”

Step 4: Talk to Others

Sometimes, when the stakes are high and we experience a sense of urgency, we can become disconnected from our intuition and lose sight of the right answer. If you’re spending too much time in your head, wrestling with every possible outcome, it might be time to talk to a neutral third party, according to Azor. Rehashing the situation with a therapist will help you see and understand what’s happening from a different, impartial perspective, thereby making your decision easier.

You can also discuss the scenario and your thoughts with friends and family, who know you and your relationship well. They, too, will have another point of view that can inform your decision or, at the very least, make the experience less isolating.