Masturbation and Your Marriage

Masturbation is a common and healthy behavior. It can also be a challenging topic to discuss. You might have trouble talking about sex with your partner, so you feel too embarrassed to bring it up. For some married couples, the subject may even feel "taboo" to talk about openly.

Learning the facts about masturbation in marriage is important to addressing any concerns you may have. This begins with understanding why it can be difficult to talk about with your partner, as well as recognizing the benefits and drawbacks of masturbation when you're married, then deciding what's right for you.

Common Concerns About Masturbation in Marriage

Many misconceptions about masturbation persist, even though evidence indicates that it is a normal, healthy, and even beneficial act—regardless of relationship status. These misconceptions can cause you to draw incorrect conclusions about what it means if you or your partner masturbates.

If you are married, for instance, you might become worried that your partner's desire to masturbate is a signal that you're not meeting their sexual needs or that they're not attracted to you anymore. But this isn't necessarily the case because it isn't unusual for people to masturbate in addition to having regular sex with their partners.

Likewise, wanting to masturbate when you're married doesn't necessarily mean that there is anything "wrong" with you, your partner, or your sexual relationship. A person may also feel differently about masturbation when they are single versus when they are partnered or married.

Facts About Masturbation

Feeling embarrassed to talk about masturbation can be, in part, a result of the negative, mixed, or even completely false messages people receive on the subject. If masturbation is part of your sexuality and sexual expression, it's important to have the facts.

Here are several facts to consider:

• Masturbation is not unnatural.
• Masturbation will not "make you go blind" or cause hairy palms.
• Masturbation does not cause acne or cancer. (In fact, ejaculating more frequently, whether through sexual intercourse or masturbation, actually reduces prostate cancer risk.)
• Masturbation does not reduce penis size or lead to sexual dysfunction or infertility issues.
• Masturbation will not give you a sexually transmitted infection (STI).
• Masturbation does not cause mental illness.
• Masturbation will not change your sexuality.
• Masturbation is not self-abuse, nor is it infidelity.
• Masturbation does not hinder social or emotional development.
• Masturbation will not "turn you into a pervert."

Benefits of Masturbation in Marriage

Research has found that masturbating offers several benefits, some of which include an improved sense of sexual wellness, increased feelings of sexual empowerment, and reduced stress. Masturbating can also have a positive effect on libido.

Some people find that masturbation leads to greater self-discovery. It can help you learn about what you like and don't like sexually, for instance. Masturbating can also help you figure out how you need to be stimulated to achieve an orgasm.

If you and your partner have different levels of desire for sex—especially in terms of frequency—masturbating can provide the partner with a higher libido a healthy outlet for their desire. It can also help fill a void if one partner is unwilling or unable to engage in a mutual sexual activity.

Engaging in masturbation with your partner, called mutual masturbation, also has benefits. According to a study published in 2023, masturbating with your partner can increase your levels of sexual satisfaction.

Drawbacks of Masturbation in Marriage

While there are many benefits of masturbation for partnered people, there are also some potential drawbacks. The topic becomes more complicated by the fact that people in relationships may define masturbation differently.

For example, some people consider masturbation to be a solitary act, while others think it is something partners can do together. Studies have also shown that some people do not consider self-stimulating sexual acts to be masturbation if orgasm does not occur.

Feelings of Guilt or Shame

The partner who masturbates may experience negative feelings like guilt or shame. These emotions can be a result of worrying that it may hurt their partner if they knew. Or the person may be concerned that wanting to masturbate suggests there is something wrong with their marriage.

Feelings of Inadequacy

A partner who does not engage in masturbation may report feelings of disappointment, worry, or fear upon learning that their partner is masturbating. They might blame themselves or make assumptions about their partner's feelings or motives—for example, thinking that they must be bored, unhappy, or dissatisfied with their sexual relationship if they feel the need to masturbate.

Substitute for Intimacy

While masturbation is typically a healthy behavior, there are times when it is or can become unhealthy. This includes when someone is using it to avoid their relationship, as a substitute for intimacy with their partner.

Reduced Trust

When partners feel that they cannot speak freely about the subject of masturbation, it can feel secretive or even shameful. Likewise, if a person discovers that their partner is "secretly" masturbating, they might feel that something has been kept from them. This can undermine the trust in a relationship.

If Masturbation Is an Issue In Your Marriage

Some opinions and advice about masturbation and its possible effects on marriage can be conflicting, confusing, and even totally inaccurate. With regard to your marriage, it really comes down to personal preference. What works for one couple might not work in your relationship, and vice versa.

You and your partner benefit from having an open and honest discussion about masturbation—everything from how you define it to how you feel about it. If a partner's worries go unvoiced and unacknowledged, there is no opportunity to discuss the reality (or truth) of the situation.

If you or your partner have questions or concerns about masturbation or any element of your sexual relationship, you might find it helpful to work with a sex therapist. "Working with a sex therapist can help partners have a more open dialogue about their sexual needs, including solo sex," says Jennifer Litner, PhD, LMFT, sexologist and founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness.

Takeaway

Many people masturbate—even when they are in a long-term relationship or are married. While you might have apprehensions about discussing it with your partner, it can be healthy for your relationship.

Having open and honest discussions about sexual desire, which can include the desire to masturbate, can help prevent concerns or feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or shame. If one partner is masturbating but keeping it a "secret," it can cause worry, feelings of betrayal, and misunderstandings.

Masturbation can be part of any sexual relationship, and in a satisfying emotional and physical romantic relationship, masturbation can be a healthy and positive aspect. However, if it becomes excessive or interferes with someone's day-to-day or sexual functioning, it can become unhealthy, making it important to seek professional help.