What to Do If You Dislike Your Spouse

If you're living with a spouse you hate, you may wonder if it's possible to get back those romantic feelings you once had for each other.

It may help you to know that it's common to be blinded to your partner's imperfections during the romantic phase of a relationship, and then realize later that your spouse annoys and frustrates you. Or perhaps you find that you don't really like your spouse at all.

Learn more about the reasons why you dislike your spouse, the effect it might have on your relationship, and what you can do to cope.

Reasons You Might Dislike Your Spouse

You think your mate will change, or that you can help bring out the best in them. You hope that in time, the difficult aspects of your spouse's personality will go away. But in the vast majority of cases, this simply does not happen.

The result is that you may find yourself married to a person you don't like. Comments from others, such as "You should have known better," or "Didn't you see it while dating" won't help. Maybe you did miss some red flags or ignored warnings, but that doesn't change the current situation.

Some of the reasons you might find you dislike your spouse include:

• They engage in bullying behavior
• They are overly critical
• They are too demanding
• You feel embarrassed by their behavior
• They have a cruel or unkind sense of humor
• They are a know-it-all
• They are a negative thinker
• They procrastinate and regularly let you down
• They have poor communication skills
• They are a self-centered and selfish person
• They are overly indecisive and won't commit to anything

"Engage in introspection to identify the underlying thoughts contributing to your dissatisfaction with your spouse," suggests Matthew Schubert, a mental health counselor and CEO of Gem State Wellness in Boise, Idaho. "Often, a couple of significant thoughts are responsible for this feeling. Once you recognize these thoughts, you can assess their validity and consider reframing them to alleviate the negative emotions you are experiencing," he explains.

Smolarski notes that factors like the stresses of daily life often play a role. The physical and emotional closeness that couples once shared are lost to the daily grind of work, chores, child care, and other responsibilities. Losing that sense of closeness as a couple can lead to disconnection and resentment, and can even turn into dislike.

Impact of Not Liking Your Spouse

Disliking your spouse doesn't just take a toll on your relationship with that person; it can also hurt your emotional and physical well-being.

• Increased distress: Disliking the person you share your life with can lead to profound resentment, loneliness, and sadness. If you feel like your spouse does not understand you or if you dislike spending time with them, it will eventually have a serious impact on your overall life satisfaction and happiness.
• Reduced support: If you don't like or even hate your partner, you're unlikely to have a supportive, loving, intimate relationship. This results in decreased connection, loss of contact, and lack of physical affection.
• Unhealthy coping strategies: If your marriage is unhappy and you dislike your spouse, you might be more likely to use unhealthy or unhelpful coping methods. This might involve avoidance, social withdrawal, substance use, or emotional eating.
• Health effects: Unhappy marriages can also take a toll on your physical well-being. Increased stress can lower immunity, increase your risk of mental health problems, and increase your risk of experiencing a variety of serious health problems.

Coping When You Don't Like Your Spouse

Personality compatibility is an important characteristic of happy relationships. A spouse's irritating habits and activities can drive you up the wall just like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet. If ignored, it only gets worse.

As soon as you realize you are in this predicament, take action immediately. Don't let the resentment build until you explode. Some of the most important things you can do include:

1. Be honest with yourself
2. Decide if you want to preserve the relationship
3. Focus on what you can control
4. Focus on the positive
5. Reinforce positive behavior
6. Work on communication
7. Spend more time together
8. Don't place blame
9. Talk to a third party

There is hope for this situation. However, it does take honest and caring communication.

Be Honest With Yourself

Relationship problems are rarely one-sided. Remember that you also have behaviors and traits that annoy your partner.

This is why it is important to not only ask yourself why you are feeling the way you are feeling but to also ask yourself if there's anything you're doing that is contributing to the problems in your marriage.

If you make a mistake, admit it. You can even ask your partner what changes you should make as well.

Decide if You Want to Preserve the Relationship

Some relationships aren't worth saving. It isn't healthy to stay in an unhappy marriage unless both spouses want to work on improving the relationship.

You might have truly fallen out of love, or the relationship could be unhealthy. If you're constantly feeling bullied or put down, it may be time to admit that the best course of action is to divorce and move on.

Some people may need help from a therapist to make this big, important decision, and others may be able to arrive at this conclusion with self-reflection.

If you decide you do want to continue the relationship, it's time to think about some of the healthy ways you can deal with conflict and restore that sense of romance you used to have in your relationship.

Focus on What You Can Control

Recognize that you can't change your spouse. You can only change your reactions and responses.

The upside: If you change your behavior, your spouse may want to change theirs. Or you may see a different reaction than you are used to (with luck, a better one). 

Try to Focus on the Positive

Looking only at the negative behaviors in your spouse can be self-fulfilling. If you find yourself in this trap, spend one evening, one meal, or one hour looking for the positive in your mate. Then do it again. The next time, see if you can focus on the positive for twice as long.

"Often couples lose sight of each other because resentments have built up and because they feel unseen or under-appreciated," Smolarski says. She suggests that couples practice telling each other what they appreciate about each other each day, including both qualities and actions that they value in each other.

Reinforce Positive Behavior

When your spouse does something you like, say so! Say it in a sincere, positive fashion. Speak to your spouse the way you would want to be spoken to, not with sarcasm or veiled criticism.

Work on Communication

Maintain eye contact when stating your opinions and feelings. If you are going to make a statement or request, prepare it ahead of time and look your spouse in the eye while speaking. This demonstrates your honesty and openness.

Be straightforward and clear in your communications. Avoid hints, veiled comments, and passive-aggressive statements. Don't make your spouse guess what you need. Ask for it directly.

Spend More Time Together

It isn't always possible to continue living in a loveless marriage, but you might be able to restore some of the affection and romance you and your partner once had. You can start by making time to be alone together. Walking together is one way to prompt a pleasant, natural conversation. Walking, especially in a natural setting, can also help you relieve stress.

Smolarski suggests reactivating your sense of play in orter to nurture bonding in your relationship. 

She recommends making a list of things you used to and still enjoy as a couple, whether it was playing sports, going dancing, or cooking together. But in addition to spending time on things you enjoy, look for ways to freshen up your relationship with new adventures. 

"You both have grown, so it's normal and good to share new interests with each other," she explains. Try making a list of things you'd both like to try, agree on things to add to your combined list, and then make it a goal to try one new experience each week.

Don't Place Blame

Placing blame only creates defensiveness. Use "I" statements. Instead of, "You should," begin your statement with, "I need," "I want," and "I feel." Focus on the behavior you want to see changed and how it makes you feel. You are allowed to complain to your spouse. Just do so effectively to minimize the likelihood of the conversation escalating into an argument (or shutting down completely). 

Talk to a Third Party

Sometimes you need to reach out to a trusted friend or family member to get some perspective on what you are going through. They can serve either as a person to vent to or as someone who can give you practical advice.

Keep in mind, however, that friends and family members aren't usually impartial, and you may not get the same advice you would if you consulted a marriage couselor. If you are hoping to preserve the relationship, sometimes it's best to consider talking to a therapist, either alone or with your partner.

How to Get Help

If you are struggling with feeling like you dislike or hate your spouse, couples counseling can help you work on your relationship together. Marriage can be hard. People tend to bring their best selves to dating and then relax once married, sometimes into rude or mean behaviors. But with effort, you can turn in a more positive direction—together.

It is important to remember, however, that no one needs to remain in an unhappy marriage. If your marriage is not improving or if your spouse is not interested in changing, then it's okay to consider other options like separation or divorce.