Why You Shouldn't Treat Your Partner Like a Child

And what to do if your partner treats you like a child

Smiling couple talking at breakfast table
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Putting yourself in the role of "parent" and your partner in the role of "child" is demeaning and can actually be counterproductive. Your partner might come to resent you for taking on a controlling role in your relationship. This can cause serious damage to your marriage.

At at Glance

Treating your partner like a child can involve doing things that your partner can do themself, shielding them from the consequences of their actions, and attending to their every need. It can seriously hurt your relationship, and may make your partner feel helpless, bitter, or resentful. Instead of treating them like a child, it's important to show acceptance and respect as you treat your partner like an equal.

Signs You're Treating Your Partner Like a Child

There are some behaviors that are appropriate in your interactions with your kids, but not with your mate. You might not realize that you are even doing these things, let alone how they might feel to your partner.

If you get in the habit of doing these things when you have children, it's important to remember the difference in your relationship with them and your mate.

Some behaviors are more obvious or egregious than others, but they all show a lack of respect for your partner as an adult and for your equality in the relationship.

  • Waking your partner up in the morning.
  • When traveling, you pack your partner's suitcase.
  • You are overprotective.
  • You are the official reminder person in your family—whether it is to take medications, finish a chore, or be on time somewhere.
  • You believe one of your roles is to correct your partner's behavior.
  • You buy your partner's clothes.
  • You fill out medical or legal forms for your mate.
  • You keep track of your partner's belongings like eyeglasses, car keys, or wallet.
  • You make appointments with doctors for your mate.
  • You often cater to your partner's every need.
  • You pick out what clothes you think your partner should wear.
  • You pick up after your partner.
  • You style your mate's hair.
  • You think nothing of putting food on your partner's plate, cutting up their meat, or pestering them to eat all the vegetables on their plate.

This behavior may even occur in your communication with your partner. Your conversation style with your mate might utilize "baby talk" or a parental tone of voice.

Effects of Treating Someone Like a Child

These behaviors can have a serious impact on a person's well-being and self-esteem. Research has shown that infantilizing people hurts people's self-confidence and self-image. Treating someone like a child can result in self-doubt, an inability to make decisions, identify problems, and problems with commitment.

Why People Treat Their Partner Like a Child

There are a number of reasons why a person might treat their partner like a child:

  • It might be a behavior they observed in their own home growing up
  • They may have been infantilized by their own parents
  • They might be insecure and need to be needed
  • They might need to control the other person
  • They might have a mental health issue
  • There are poor boundaries and a lack of communication in the relationship
  • The other person behaves like a child or utilizes weaponized incompetence to avoid tasks and responsibilities

It doesn't make any difference if your partner doesn't get up on time, has horrible taste in clothes, forgets appointments or takes pills, loses the car keys, or never picks things up. If you parent your partner, you are actually showing them a lack of acceptance and a lack of respect.

If you have an immature or irresponsible partner, you might need to repeat this mantra to yourself often: I am their partner, not their parent.

Once you identify the pattern, it might help to seek counseling as a couple to work on resolving it together.

How to Stop Parenting Your Partner

Showing concern and caring for your partner is normal and expected in a healthy relationship. The point where you cross the line into a parenting role is where the nurturing ends and parenting begins.

Once you have identified the parenting behaviors you are displaying, there are some steps you can take to correct them.

  • Accept that your mate does not like being treated like a kid.
  • Be mindful of your actions and stop treating your mate as a child.
  • Create a calendar for your family but be clear that keeping it current is everyone's responsibility.
  • Don't correct or criticize how your partner takes out the trash or completes other tasks around the house.
  • Have a talk with your partner about any issues that arise (for example, if they tend to leave messes for you to clean up).
  • Let your partner make mistakes and face the consequences of being forgetful or making the wrong decision.
  • Refrain from using a "parental" tone with your partner.

What to Do If Your Partner Treats You Like a Child

If you're partner is the one treating you like a child, there are a number of steps you can take to address the problem:

Have a Conversation

Start by discussing the problem with your partner. Share your concerns, and use "I feel" statements to explain how your partner's behavior affects you. While this might be a difficult conversation, approaching it in a way that emphasizes your own feelings can help your partner feel less defensive.

Set Boundaries

Talk about the type of boundaries you have in your relationship. Boundaries are important because they help promote respect, establish clear expectations, and prevent manipulation. Explain what you find acceptable and what should happen if those boundaries are violated.

Consider Your Options

If your spouse treats you like a child and also engages in other controlling or abusive behaviors, it's important to evaluate the situation and determine your next steps. 

Some behaviors, like separating you from your social support or controlling your access to money, are signs of more serious problems. Talk to a safe person outside of the relationship, such as a therapist or friend, and then make a plan for how to exit the relationship safely.

Takeaway

If you become aware of your parenting behavior but still can't stop, there might be dysfunction in your relationship that could benefit from professional help. Going to counseling as a couple can help you both recognize the problem and address the negative impact it is having on your relationship.

3 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Vielma-Aguilera A, Bustos C, Saldivia S, Grandón P. Psychometric properties of the attitudes scale of health care professionals’ toward people with a diagnosis of mental illness (EAPS-TM)Current Psychology. Published online June 2, 2021. doi:10.1007/s12144-021-01911-4

  2. Nuttall AK, Zhang Q, Valentino K, Borkowski JG. Intergenerational risk of parentification and infantilization to externalizing moderated by child temperamentJournal of Marriage and Family. 2019;81(3). doi:10.1111/jomf.12562

  3. California Department of Social Services. Bettering your relationships.

By Sheri Stritof
Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book.