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No Sex or Low Sex -- Sexless Marriages

Is Sex Dead in Your Marriage?


Middle aged couple using tablet in bed
Gary John Norman/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Whether your low or no sex marriage is due to mismatched sexual libidos, anger, boredom, tiredness, infidelity, childbirth, erectile dysfunction, HSDD, power issues, medications, depression, or some other issue, marital disaster could be just around the corner.

Denise A. Donnelly estimates 15 percent of married couples didn't have sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year. Our own unscientific poll on low sex marriages shows a very high percentage of those taking the poll consider themselves in a low sex marriage.

Michele Weiner Davis, author of Sex Starved Marriage explained why a low sex marriage is a major problem in a marriage: "It's when one spouse is desperately yearning for more touch, physical closeness, more sex, and the other spouse is thinking: "What is the big deal? Why are you so hassled?" When this major disconnect happens, intimacy at all levels tends to drop. It's really about feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling appreciated and feeling connected and, in this case, feeling feminine. Because of the hurt, they stop spending time together. They stop laughing at each other's jokes. They stop making eye contact. The bond between them really dissipates, and it puts the marriage at risk for infidelity and divorce."
Source: Sharon Jayson: "What kills sex in a marriage? Look past the stereotypes." USAToday.com. 1/6/2008.

A Five-Step Approach for a Sexless Marriage

  • Recognize the signs of a low sex marriage.
  • Talk with your spouse about the issue of low sex or no sex in your marriage. It may be difficult, but it is necessary.
  • Accept that changing your sexless marriage will not be easy. You both need to make the decision to have a healthier marriage.
  • As you talk, decide on ways you both think you can rekindle your sex life.
  • Consider seeing a professional counselor who deals with sexual issues in marriage.

If your spouse doesn't agree that there is a problem in your marriage and doesn't want to change, you will have to decide if a low sex marriage is a deal breaker for you. We do hope that you don't make the decision to betray your spouse and become unfaithful as a way of handling your frustration with a lack of sex in your marriage. It's better to divorce than it is to cheat.

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