If you are in a low-conflict marriage and have decided to stay together for the sake of your kids, here are some tips to help you and your spouse be good coparents in spite of your relationship problems with each other.
- Put yourself into a new mind-set and let go of any expectation that your marriage will make you happy.
- Don't play the martyr role.
- Even if you are incompatible, decide with your spouse what type of relationship the two of you will have. Will you be friends or roommates?
- Set boundaries with your spouse about finances, individual space, privacy issues, and responsibilities regarding home maintenance and child care.
- Make sure that you and your spouse truly understand how you two will handle sexual intimacy and possible affairs.
- Discuss with your spouse how you will handle free time. Will you spend time with your kids together, or will you each have time with your children on your own?
- You may need to have an explicit agreement between the two of you regarding your areas of conflict and how you will handle those issues.
- Realize that a high-conflict marriage with domestic violence or emotional abuse will hurt your children.
- If you decide to divorce after your children are grown, don't defend yourself. Don't tell your children that you sacrificed your happiness for them. Listen to their feelings and thoughts. Joshua Coleman writes that you need to take full responsibility for their confusion.
"Let them know that you wanted to insulate them from the problems in your marriage (in the case where those problems weren't obvious) and for that reason didn't let them know that you had been considering divorce for a long time. This kind of discussion may make them feel guilty that you stayed unhappily married for their sake. They may feel responsibile for your making a decision in their interest that affected your ability to be fulfilled in other parts of your life. You should make it absolutely clear that staying was a decision you did for yourself as well. 'I wanted to be able to have every day that I could with you. If we had divorced when you were young, it would have been hard on you and me. We all make compromises in life and this was one that I was happy to make.'"
Source: "Imperfect Harmony", page 200
