When you've reached a point of saying "It's me or the porn," your marriage has obviously been hurt by pornography. When your husband chooses porn over you, you have to face the reality that he is not going to change this behavior.
Vicki Larson: "So what typically happens is she puts her foot down -- 'Porn or me!' -- and he promises that he'll stop watching. And some guys actually do stop, Klein says. 'The rest will do what they did when they were 14 -- they'll do it in secret, feel bad about it and hope they won't get caught. And so a life of lying about sex continues. You can imagine what that will do to the couple's closeness.'"
Source: Vicki Larson. "Does Porn Watching Lead to Divorce?" HuffingtonPost.com. 5/29/2011.
Things You Can Do When Pornography Hurts Your Marriage
- Have the talk and share your feelings.
- Accept that if your husband hasn't stopped viewing pornography after he realizes it could end your marriage, he probably won't ever change this desire to watch porn. His attraction to porn could be stronger than his love for you.
- If your marriage and sexual relationship does not improve after you and your spouse have honestly talked about how the both of you feel and think about pornography, we recommend that you seek marriage counseling to see if other problems in your marriage are triggers for his pornography use or his lying about watching porn.
- Make a decision. Four possibilities include staying married and ignoring his use of porn, getting a divorce, staying married and agree to compromise on porn (separate computers, sexual intimacy improves, etc.), or staying married but continue to fight about your husband watching porn.
- Do not let your husband's use of pornography negatively impact how you feel about yourself. Your belief in yourself is a key factor to your personal happiness. The fact that your spouse watches porn has nothing to do with how you look or how sexy you are. The problem is his.
- Don't accept any blame or guilt for the fact that your mate wants to view pornography. It's not your fault. Sure, it is a problem for you, but he made the decision to watch porn and to allow it to harm your marriage relationship. That puts the responsibility on his shoulders, not on yours.
Additional Reading:Recognize Sabotage in Your Marriage
Porn and Marriage -- One Wife's Response
Spying on Your Spouse
Deal With Betrayal
Emotional Affairs 101
What to do When Your Spouse Doesn't Want Change
Build Trust in Your Marriage