3 Alternatives to Marriage—And How to Choose the Best One for Your Relationship

A matrimonial attorney shares the pros and cons of other types of legal partnerships.

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Getty Images / Rob Daly

If you are asking the question, “Is marriage right for me?” know that you aren't alone. Many couples want the legal and financial protections marriage offers, especially if they own property together or have a child, but aren’t ready to exchange vows. For some, marriage has a negative connotation. Maybe they already tried it once and it ended in divorce or they grew up in a divided household. Some simply don't believe in the institution; others need more time to make sure their partner is "the one." There can also be financial benefits to avoiding marriage.

Whatever the reason may be, plenty of duos just aren't inclined to tie the knot. Fortunately, there are numerous alternatives to marriage, including common law marriages, domestic partnership (or civil unions), and cohabitation agreements. Each option offers some (but not all) of the benefits of traditional marriage and has advantages and disadvantages. The benefits vary by state, so it's important to consult a matrimonial attorney near you before deciding on one.

For general guidance and insight, we turned to attorney Madelyn Jaye. As she put it, her job is to "help you determine what domestic arrangement best fits your personal lifestyle and goals." Ahead, she explains several alternatives to marriage—and shares how to choose the right one for your relationship.

Meet the Expert

Madelyn Jaye, Esq., is a matrimonial attorney in New York City. She is a partner at the Douglas Family Law Group.

Domestic Partnership or Civil Unions

A domestic partnership, also called a civil union, is a popular alternative to marriage for couples; it offers many of the same benefits. "A domestic partnership, like a marriage, is a legal relationship under the laws of a state," says Jaye. "It provides committed, unmarried couples that are living together certain, but limited, guaranteed rights." Before same-sex marriage was legalized, many gay couples relied on domestic partnerships to protect them financially and legally.

Domestic Partnership Pros

A domestic partnership offers many of the same benefits as a marriage. If something happens to your partner, you automatically inherit his or her assets. You get hospital visitation and can add your partner to your health plan (or chose to use his or her employer benefits). Depending on how much you and your partner make, there can also be some financial benefits to domestic partnerships. Some couples end up paying more taxes as a married couple than they would if they filed individually. A domestic partnership avoids that outcome. In many states, it is also easier to terminate this type of arrangement than a marriage (in some cases it's as easy as filling out a form).

Domestic Partnership Cons

If you want to get married, all you have to do is get a marriage certificate from the local government. Securing a domestic partnership is a little harder. You have to prove that you are in a committed relationship with evidence such as a joint bank account or a mortgage. Requirements vary by state but most require proof that you currently live together and have for some time.

Because domestic partnership arrangements vary by state, one state might not recognize the benefits of the union that another state does. That means if you move, make sure you check in with an attorney.

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Common Law Marriage

A common law marriage does not actually require you to file anything with the state. If you tell the community you are married, call each other husband or wife, live together for a certain number of years, and use the same last name, you can have a common law marriage.

Common Law Marriage Pros

You have all the same protections as a married couple, and you have to get divorced if you split up. "The couple holds themselves out to friends and family as being married, live together for a period, but never formally marry or obtain a marriage license," says Jaye.

Common Law Marriage Cons

While common law marriages sound great (you can be married without doing any of the work!) they aren't that common in America. That's the major drawback: Most states don't see them as valid. "Today, common law marriages are only recognized in eight states and even where they are recognized common law marriages can be fraught with open questions resulting in litigation," says Jaye.

The takeaway? It's better to make your arrangement official instead of hoping the law will recognize you as married.

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Cohabitation Agreements

In a domestic partnership, the state decides what benefits you get as a couple. A cohabitation agreement is different. In this arrangement, the couple decides what rights and obligations each partner owes to each other. "Cohabitation agreements, unlike domestic partnerships and civil unions, are contracts negotiated between a couple and can be as narrow or as broad as the couple wishes them to be," says Jaye. "A cohabitation agreement is a contract and should be recognized and enforceable in all state jurisdictions."

Cohabitation Agreement Pros

In short, cohabitation agreements let you make your own rules—and they're also widely recognized. Non-married couples ultimately use this alternative to marriage the same way married couples use prenuptial agreements. They spell out how property, debt, and money will be distributed and handled during the relationship. They also dictate what happens if the relationship ends. For example, if a couple buys a house together, what happens to that home if they break up? They can also discuss how expenses will be paid. Will groceries be split equally or will one party cover them every week?

Not every couple needs a cohabitation agreement. They are often used when one partner enters a relationship with a lot more assets than the other or if the couple accumulates a lot of assets during their relationship. It's a way to avoid confusion and fighting if the relationship ends.

Cohabitation Agreement Cons

Cohabitation agreements don't offer any of the benefits of marriage like the ability to use one another's health insurance.

How to Choose the Best Alternative for You

If you find yourself in a committed relationship and are ready to make it official legally, how do you know where to start? Jaye's advice is to start talking with your partner early on about your relationship goals. "Couples avoid having open, honest, truthful discussions about their individual and joint assets, liabilities, finances, and goals," she says.

When you have this discussion, talk about what is important to you as a couple and your individual needs. Does one partner need health insurance from the other? Are you buying a home together and want to protect your share of the investment? Jaye also says to imagine what decisions you will be making in the future: "Too many couples think in terms of their current situations when planning for the future, ignoring that the future could bring a change in circumstances that need to be considered," she explains.

Not sure how to broach the topic? For some duos, it can be helpful to seek out the guidance of an attorney. This professional can talk you through things you need to consider and map out what legal benefits a specific marriage alternative may have in your state. "An experienced family law attorney can provide you the framework for the important discussions you may find difficult to broach on your own, can advise you of the legal options available to you in your state, can guide the financial planning of your future together, and can leave the Champagne, chocolates, and romance to you," says Jaye.

She also encourages you to have these conversations early, before you have a child on the way or are already fighting over shared property. As Jaye puts it, "The time to consider your options should not be when faced with time constraints or pressure."

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