This Is Why You're Not Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Experts weigh in on what could be causing tension—and how to resolve issues peacefully.

A husband sitting with his wife at home, holding hands and comforting her.

kitzcorner / Getty Imgages

There's a saying that goes: When you marry your partner, you're really marrying their entire family. And for some, the additional family members are a blessing, with more participants for game night or more money to contribute to an annual group vacation. For others, though, cultivating a healthy relationship with in-laws proves to be more difficult, whether due to personality conflicts, differing points of view, or trouble maintaining appropriate boundaries. If you find yourself struggling with your in-laws and can't figure out why—or what you can do to keep the peace—we're here to help.

Ahead, we consult two psychology experts about common reasons for tension between spouses and in-laws, as well as how to find a resolution.

Meet the Expert

  • Beverley Andre, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a relationship coach, and the founder of BeHeart Counseling Services
  • Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., is the Hazel E. Reed Professor at Cornell University's Department of Psychology, Professor of Gerontology in Medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine, and Senior Associate Dean for Research and Outreach at Cornell's College of Human Ecology.

Common Reasons for Tension With Your In-Laws

Try to remind yourself that having difficulties with in-laws is very common—and there are many reasons that you might feel like they're driving you crazy. Ahead, find common reasons for that nagging "I hate my in-laws!" feeling—and how to address the problem.

You're Unable To Find Common Ground

The Problem: While you may be able to create your own friend circle to include people with the same values, interests, and goals as your own, you can't do the same when it comes to family. A reality of life is that there are some people who you just won't be able to vibe with, despite your best efforts. It can be emotionally taxing to be around these people, especially if they're your spouse's parents. Keep in mind that these negative feelings can come between you and your spouse, too—and you never want your partner to be in a position where they have to choose sides.

The Solution: If you're struggling to get along with your partner's parents, this doesn't mean that all of your interactions with your in-laws need to be contentious. Instead of focusing on what's driving you crazy about your in-laws, keep your eye on the prize: A happy, healthy marriage unencumbered by family drama. "Tell yourself that the effort to accommodate your partner’s family is one of the greatest gifts you can offer in your marriage," advises Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.

They're Rude in Conversation

The Problem: Maybe you haven't adjusted to their jokes or how the members of their family speak to one another, or perhaps you don't agree with their stance on political and social issues. Your in-laws may not intend to offend you, but you find yourself interpreting their words as rude or off-putting. 

The Solution: As you navigate this issue, remember that it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. Instead of saying, “I hate hanging out with your family,” say, “Being around your family can be difficult for me.” You don't want to hurt your partner's feelings, especially if the problems you’re having are with your in-laws and not your partner.

Brides Tip

A healthy relationship with your in-laws is a marathon, not a sprint. That means agreeing to disagree, committing to respect them, and learning how to tolerate their company.

When all else fails, excuse yourself from the conversation. "When buttons are pushed on a repetitive and sensitive topic, leaving the room is an excellent—and potentially relationship-saving—option," says Pillemer.

They Keep You at Arm's Length

The Problem: Maybe your in-laws aren't accepting of you or don't engage with you when you try to have friendly conversations. You might feel like you're making a big effort to get to know them better, but those efforts aren't being reciprocated, which can feel really frustrating.

The Solution: Don't get hung up on diagnosing their contempt or apathy toward you; instead, focus on what you can do to keep your own sanity and confidence while fostering a positive rapport with your in-laws.

You Can't Resolve Your Issues Civilly

The Problem: When every conversation and interaction with your in-laws turns into a blow-out, distance may be the answer. There are couples who take drastic measures and move away to avoid their in-laws, while others simply limit their attendance at family functions or quietly take some space, which is totally okay, as long as you and your partner are on the same page.

The Solution: You and your spouse can create guidelines about when to distance yourselves. Maybe the two of you will agree that you should join the family for major holidays, but you'll do your own thing for minor events. Whatever you decide, discuss the issue together—you should both be satisfied with the compromise.

You're Holding a Grudge

The Problem: Allowing resentment to build and having a tense relationship with your in-laws will eventually influence your spouse and, as a result, your marriage. It could cause tension between the two of you, and that’s exactly what you don’t want.

The Solution: Keep in mind that you have to become best friends with your in-laws. Your in-laws are your family now, too, but recognize that family doesn’t always get along. Personalities clash, people misbehave, and family members don’t always treat each other well. Sometimes, you just have to take the high road and let things go in order to ultimately thrive in your marriage.

How to Have a Productive Conversation With Your In-Laws

If tensions between you and your in-laws are on the rise, and you feel like you want to have a conversation with them, it can definitely put you on the right path. But keep in mind that you and your partner should discuss a plan first, to ensure the two of you are on the same page. "When discussing in-laws with your partner, it's important to be clear about your needs and what you hope to achieve," says Beverley Andre, LMFT. "Providing specific examples and context can help your partner understand the impact of their family's behavior, without attacking them personally.

When it comes time to have that discussion with your partner's parents, make sure you're intentional about the time and location—and that you go into it with a positive attitude. "It's best to avoid having an emotional discussion when either person is not emotionally prepared," Andre explains. To avoid putting anyone on the spot, she suggests doing the following:

  • Find a private space for the conversation.
  • Use "I" statements to express your feelings and avoid blame.
  • Allow your in-laws to express themselves, explain their feelings, and offer an apology if needed.
  • Tell them that you want to work together to find a solution.

"Remember, open and honest communication is key when dealing with difficult in-law situations," says Andre. "Adopt a mindset of understanding and empathy, and work together to find solutions that work for both of you."

Related Stories