There is disagreement among marriage experts on the issue of telling all. Here are some comments representing both sides of the issue of garbage dumping.
- In the book, Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work by Matthew Mckay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg, is this passage on page 58: "Avoid old history. Clean communication sticks with the issue at hand, pejorative communication throws mud from the past ... Sometimes the past can provide a useful perspective, a longitudinal view of a problem. But references to old history are usually just building a case against your partner. You're collecting evidence to underscore the seriousness of his or her faults. A simple rule to follow: never bring up old history when you're angry. Anger turns references to the past into a club, rather than a source of enlightenment."
- Elaine Simpson Mynatt, in her book, Remarriage Reality states on page 40:
"Professionals vary on the degree to which spouses should tell each other all the dark secrets of their pasts or the fantasies of the present, and individuals differ as to how much they want to know. Even when a spouse begs to know every juicy detail, the facts of the matter may shock or hurt. Many couples have revealed their embarrassments or fantasies to a loving partner, only to have them later used as ammunition during a free-for-all ... Secrets may be a roadblock to intimacy in any kind of relationship, especially marital ..."
- From The Relationship Toolbox by Robert Abel, page 224: "Making amends is an important part of your healing and growth process. But sometimes making amends can cause more harm than good. Don't attempt to make amends when doing so would cause additional harm to others."
- Peggy Vaughn: "It's not a simple matter of whether or not to tell. It's a matter of why, when, and how. Perhaps the most responsible course is one that doesn't rule out telling "at some point," and uses that thinking to consistently improve the honesty and commitment to the relationship in such a way as to make it possible to eventually tell."
DearPeggy.com
- Joseph Champlin in Alone No Longer: "If the wronged spouse becomes angry and unforgiving, the guilty partner then can feel the deed was justified from the beginning; if the offended partner, on the other hand, is very accepting and understanding, the culpable spouse may believe it was not such a bad action after all."
- Willard F. Harley Jr, Ph.D.: "For years I have maintained an unpopular opinion on the subject -- honesty at all costs. I have recommended to my clients that they be honest about everything, especially instances of sex with others, before or after marriage."
Marriage Builders
Bottom Line
There is a huge difference in sharing something like a recent infidelity in order to rebuild your relationship, and sharing stuff from your past to relieve yourself of the guilt or to hurt your spouse. The latter is garbage dumping.
