Can My Marriage Survive Infidelity?

When it comes to gutwrenching experiences, being cheated on by a spouse is pretty high on the list. It's a betrayal of trust that can take a long time to forgive and rebuild. That is, if you even want to forgive and rebuild your relationship after infidelity—many people don't.

If you have been cheated on, we feel for you, and it's understandable you might be wondering if it's possible to save your marriage. At the end of the day, there is no entirely right or wrong answer because it all comes down to each couple's unique needs and healing process. If both individuals still love one another and want to put in the work—it won't be easy—it is possible. But if one person cheated because their heart was already halfway out the door then it might be time to move on.

In this article, we'll look at several aspects of infidelity and hopefully leave you with some insight on how to cope during this stressful time.

Unpacking Infidelity

Popular psychologist and self-help book author, Dr. Harriet Lerner writes about this in a PsychologyToday.com article, "Will Your Marriage Survive the Affair?" (2013). 

She writes, "Keep in mind that an affair is not a terrible aberration that only occurs in unhappy marriages. It’s a myth that the “real reason” behind an affair is a faulty spouse or bad marriage. A sexually and emotionally distant marriage will definitely make an affair more likely, but it’s also true that affairs happen in excellent marriages as well. Affairs have many sources, and opportunity and work context are among the predisposing factors."

Many professionals have seen marriages not only survive infidelity but become better than before.

Healing

Developing a new way of interacting requires you both to:

• have deep and meaningful conversations
• express underlying vulnerable emotions
• temper defensiveness, blame, denial
• explore your underlying patterns or "vicious cycles" of communication
• be willing to forgive hurts
• be completely honest
• look at emotional baggage that may have gotten you to this place

Some feelings that are prominent when a married couple experiences cheating include:

• Shame
• Guilt
• Blame
• Anger
• Hurt
• Disappointment
• Rage
• Embarrassment
• Forgiveness
• Jealousy
• Lust
• Resentment
• Denial
• Mis-trust

When You Should Leave

Your marriage can survive this onslaught of feelings. However, some marriages are not meant to be saved. If infidelity is one of many symptoms of domestic violence and/or emotional abuse in your relationship you will never feel safe enough to work through your problems. These are very entrenched issues that are often not changeable.

It is challenging for the betrayed partner to know if they can give the spouse a "second chance." If the infidelity was a one-time event, this is also quite different than someone with a pattern of ongoing cheating. If your spouse is a serial cheater, it may be time to throw in the towel.

The spouse can also be extremely transparent by supplying account passwords, allowing an app or GPS tracking, taking a lie-detector, or be willing to sign a post-nuptial agreement. These suggestions might not work for everyone, but they are worth consideration in the short-term while trying to work through infidelity.

Where to Get Help

See out a licensed therapist or psychologist who specializes in working with couples. Be sure to ask about their expertise in helping with infidelity in particular. A place to start if you are still unsure if you want to save the marriage, or the affair is still going on, is a process called "Discernment Counseling." 

Some people find it better (or easier) to speak with their clergy. This may be a good initial step, but a professional counselor will be needed to help you work through the long-term healing process.