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After the Shock, Pray and Exercise

Share Your Story: Your Spouse Had an Affair -- How You Survived

By liza

When and How I Learned My Spouse Was Unfaithful

My husband of 33 years is very responsible for me and our 3 grown up kids, very kind and a good provider, but very unfaithful. He knows my love language and he expresses them clearly, he started his cheating within 5 years of our marriage. I learned about his first affair through his best friend, next affair I discovered from mails and text, the last two affairs within 5 years he told me. I was not aware of the other affairs. The most recent affair of almost 2 years was the most serious because the OW got pregnant and he said he was very sorry for it.

How I Coped

In the first affair I was initially shocked because I didn't expect that despite our very intimate relationship with each other the affair still happened. After the shock, severe pain was felt followed by anger, hatred and bitterness to my husband. then resentment due to unresolved pains because I did not confront him of the reasons why the affair occurred. We should have talked about it to address the problems if we want prevent it. The marriage survived. I turned to God for healing and work, fitness and beauty activities as my coping mechanism. However because of the experience of resentment after the affair, I started to be cold to him. I purposely didn't give my 100% love and care as a defense mechanism. This made the matters worst because my husband felt he was taken for granted, neglected and rejected. Which according to him this led to his other affairs. In retrospect I think he found the love and care that he needs from other women whom he encountered at work. The next affairs one after the other were a little easier to handle but still caused so much pain and hurts. The unresolved pains and hurts continued and developed into bitterness which became a cycle. the more bitter the more the love and care will not be given. After every affair experience, I resolved to daily prayers and devotion to GOD. I pray my novenas and visit the blessed sacrament often especially when I am down. It is there where I cry and offer my pains and hurts. I go to fitness center during my free times. I still prepare all the needs at home but I go out anytime I feel like going to God, gym, salon/spa and window shopping. I don't go to counseling because I don't want our problems to be exposed to others. In time, healing will occur gradually and successfully as if nothing happened.

The most recent affair was very devastating because of the pregnancy. Everything will be different. Now I am continuing my daily devotions, novena prayers, blessed sacrament and gym. I still cry. I go my way, he goes his way. No questions asked. I thought of a separation but he did not like us to be separated. I still long for the intimate relationship with my husband because deep inside I still love him. I am not sure if he is undergoing midlife crisis because all the symptoms are present in him.

Advice

  • I regret that we didn't talk about why the affairs happened. I mean we talked but not that serious to resolve any problem that causes the continuous affairs if we want to prevent it.
  • I suggest that all spouses who are cheated and betrayed should go to God for guidance and direction of what to do. Prayers will definitely move mountains. Do everything that you enjoy, dance lesson, volunteer work etc.
  • Take care of your family especially your children, your house and everything in your possession.
  • Be healthy, physically fit and sexy. This is an opportunity for those who want to lose weight.
  • Be positive.

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