When and How I Learned My Spouse Was Unfaithful
We have been together 19 years -- married for 16. The affair happened 5 years ago. I learned about the affair (though did strongly suspect back then) 2 months ago. I am not excusing his choice in the affair, but it was during a terrible time in our marriage -- I was checked out emotionally of our marriage at that time, our business was going under, etc. -- our marriage was completely vulnerable at that point. We were truly struggling and it is amazing we didn't divorce back then. He worked with her and after developing a close friendship, it eventually went further.
How I Coped
We are still coping. We are working things out and getting stronger and closer than ever. He didn't tell me for so long because I actually suspected it and whenever even just generic topics about cheating came up, I was adamant that the cheater should suffer through the guilt and not tell the person and that if I ever found out about any cheating, I would leave in a heartbeat. He was terrified to tell me. When he finally did, he had realized how much he truly loved me yet was sure I was going to leave.
I am only coping because he is doing everything he should as the cheater to help me work through my feelings. I can vent to him (he thinks I don't give him ENOUGH anger about it)-- he is as honest as I need him to be (I don't want TOO many details but he'll answer the questions honestly -- even if I don't quite want to hear that answer), he is not one bit defensive or casting ANY blame my way (though I feel responsible for MY PART in the marriage being vulnerable at that time -- but NOT for the choice he made in having the affair).
It opened my eyes to how I was treating our marriage.
I am NOT blaming myself for this affair -- but I completely took him for granted 100%. The kids came first and he always got what was left over (and that often wasn't much). The circumstances that surrounded what happened made it ripe for happening. I hate that he did it, but if it took me finding out about it now to work through and make our marriage better than ever -- so be it.
It also helped that it was 5 years ago, he chose to end the relationship and stay with his family -- even if they didn't work out, things were so bad between us, that he could have felt the grass was greener being single and left us and yet he realized he really wanted to be with us. I think it helped knowing that he made the choice already and that there were no residual feelings left for her nor was it so recent that I caught him and was asking him to choose ... THAT would be hard for me to handle.
Advice
- FOR THE CHEATER THAT WANTS TO SAVE THE RELATIONSHIP:
- DON'T get defensive!!! You screwed up!!! Let your spouse rant and rave, cry, etc. Take it!! Even if they had issues that caused you to cheat, you chose to cheat -- so if you want to stay in it now, work out this part first.
- For the one that was cheated on (if you want to work it out):
- Don't just say nasty things to hurt the cheater. It doesn't solve anything and will make you grow apart. Be honest about your feelings -- but do it constructively. Watch out who you tell -- you need a support system, but the world doesn't need to know about it.
