When and How I Learned My Spouse Was Unfaithful
My wife and I were having marital problems a few years back. She started spending a lot of time with the next door neighbor, a guy my age. She said not to worry, he's gay and just a friend. She said she needed a confidante. When I pointed out that he had been married and had kids, she said he used to be bisexual, but that since the divorce he was "just" gay. After I moved out (not for this reason) I learned that she is dating this guy, who apparently "switched back" to being bi or straight or whatever. I feel totally deceived. We're still married but probably not much longer. This bisexuality thing seems convenient.
How I Coped
I've been seeing a therapist for 3 years. I picked a woman Dr. to help me understand more about the female psyche. Even though I am probably going to seek a divorce, I'm still feeling really hurt. My wife and I have been friends for 29 years and married for 21. We were best friends and shared much in common. While she has her reasons for falling out of love with me, I feel that she lied about this relationship with the neighbor. When we first moved next door this guy (who lives alone) was friendly with both of us, and we had always invited him over for holidays so he wouldn't be alone. I feel like he abused this kindness by reassuring my wife that she should feel safe to confide in him because he was gay. That he was no threat to our marriage. I don't know who initiated the romance but at this point I guess it doesn't matter. I'm trying to move on with my life ... but the betrayal will make it tough to trust anyone again.
BTW, my wife still denies this relationship exists (I have independently confirmed that it does). She won't say whether she has a boyfriend at all or who he is.
After marriage counseling (for 2 years) she said that the things I did that caused her to fall out of love with me had changed, and that I was again the man she married. But she said she can't get the love back ... it's gone. She said that's why we can't reconcile, not that there is "another man".
Advice
- Don't befriend a single male neighbor that has fluid sexuality.
- See a therapist.
- Know that we're all capable of lying under the right circumstances.
