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Readers Respond: Stories and Solutions About Low Sex Marriages

Responses: 306

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Thinking I Have the Same Problem

I have the same problem as other women here ... a husband that won't have sex!!! What is going on here?
—Guest connie

Living With a Partner With No Sex Drive

My partner and I have been together for 11 years. We've only had sex (in the usual sense that people mean sex) about 8 times during that time. The last time was about 7 years ago. My partner has no interest at all. He never had any interest really. In the early days I tried to stay calm and talk to him about it. I bought books, looked online for information, tried out some techniques suggested by Relate; he just let me to do all the thinking and did nothing. I started out optimistic that it would get better as we progressed in our relationship. In fact, it got worse. I became angry and resentful. I got depressed. Now I'm kind of resigned to the fact that I will never have sex again. Occasionally, once a year or so, I try to encourage some kind of intimacy. It's always up to me. He never makes the first move. Never has. I'm not happy about it but there's more to life than sex isn't there? That's what I tell myself and I believe it's true. I never wanted kids so what's the big deal.
—Guest Dee

Sex Drive After Hysterectomy

My wife is now 51 and she had a total hysterectomy due to cancer, removing her fallopian tubes, uterus, ovary cervix ... what is left is the vagina and she is no longer interested to have sex with me. Is this going to better or will it just get worst as she gets older? Editor's Note: This article may be of help and answer your question -- http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/sexualdysfunction/a/femsexdysfpt4.htm
—sunnylonely

Separate Rooms

My husband hasn't had a desire for sex in 3 years or so. We've been together for 4 years. We started sleeping in separate rooms 9 months ago . I feel like its a huge problem in our marriage, but I don't have the energy to argue about it anymore. I'm not sure this marriage will last.
—Guest Phoenix

Be Patient and "Turn Down the Volume"

It's really hard and there is no easy/quick solution to this … if you are not getting what you think you need, then you can feel misunderstood, un-loved, un-attractive and very frustrated. And the importance of sex within our society tends to be over emphasized which doesn't really help. However, I've found that by placing less emphasis on this within OUR relationship really helped and that you can get some relief, and enjoy your relationship more, if you can exercise self control and choose to react differently to your lack of sex? Try not to think about it too much (avoid masturbation/porn which only builds and possibly distorts the desire leading to more frustration). Don't feel that you need to work for it (people degrade themselves by paying for sex -- even if it's with your partner). Of course, that doesn't mean that frank discussion from time to time isn't necessary, but don't labor the point -- it doesn't help. Think about the other reasons why you love them and play your role.
—Guest similar but different

Me

I love my wife so much it hurts. We always argue about dumb stuff, to me that is. She always wants sex. I don't most of the time. We have two kids. She is 23 and I'm 28 and one on the way. I also don't get the option to chill with the fellas because she feels I should be home with the kids and with her.
—Guest r

Low Sex Relationship

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. Sex was frequent at first but after the first year and a half it slowed down to maybe once a month. Sometimes 2 months would go by without anything. I used to initiate sex so it was more frequent at first but when I realized I was the only one, I stopped and that was when it really slowed down. Whenever I confronted him with it he said it wasn't me and that he found me attractive. I know he is still interested in sex because he looks at other women. I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I am not overweight or unattractive. I love him but if things don't change I am leaving.
—Guest Guest

Satisfied But Not

I am 35 years old I am disabled but I am able to do things around the house. I cook. I clean. I iron. Laundry done. I am very handy when fixing things. I pick up kids from school. I help with homework. I send my wife flowers on a regular basis. I believe we have a great relationship. The only problem is when it comes to getting intimate. I try new things. I give massages all the time. I help with everything. Dinner is waiting when she gets home from work. I just do not know what else to do. I compliment her daily. I tell her I love her at least 5-6 times a day. Then our physical part is just like non existent. It's not there. Maybe 2-3 times a month. I don't know if that is average but I would like a lot more. I do not know what else to do. I get for play going and then she falls asleep. So what's that all about. I know she would never cheat on me so that is not the problem. If you can give me any advice I am open to any suggestions at this point. I treat her like a queen and nothing? Maybe it's me.
—Guest ben

It's Not Just a Guy's Problem ...

I am a woman and have been dating a man who is 15 years older than me. At first he couldn't keep his hands off of me, then it slowed down to absolutely nothing. No matter what I do, I've tried being seductive, but I just get shot down, so now it's gotten to a point where I've resorted to crying about it. I'm 27 years old and I apparently can't turn on a 42 year old man. It's so incredibly humiliating and has sent me into a horrible depression. We've been dating for a year and the past 6 months have been hell. I really don't know what to do about it. I love him and we have a wonderful relationship outside of the lack of sex. What worries me too are the consequences of being degraded like this. I'm wondering what it's going to be like if I leave and then what it will be like to think about how badly I failed with him. I've never had doubt in myself like this before and I don't know what to do.
—Guest frustrated in NY

Thoughts

A lot of the time it's underlying issues and in most cases time that seems to lower the amount of sex couples have. 90% of the stories are we used to have a lot of sex but don't anymore. For the guys complaining about their wives, woman will initially use sex to secure the relationship, once you are married most wives will have a lot of sex in order to fall pregnant. After that, in a lot of cases things start to dry up and the wife's true attitude towards sex comes out. It is true in a lot of women's cases that they still love their partners but they are not into sex even though we think it's us. It's really hard to meet someone that you fall in love with and have similar sex drives. This would be heaven if this was the case. Life is meant to be challenging and this is one of many we have to face.
—Guest Guest Johnson

Husband has ED

I am 40 and love, let me say that again LOVE my husband. We have been together for 15 years and he has had ED issues for the last 6. He would take a Viagra now and then but not need it all the time. I need to mention that my husband is 60, over the past year he is unable to get hard and or maintain even with Viagra. We have a wonderful relationship and have a GREAT sex life, when we are able to have sex. I am so sad, sad for him, sad for me. I have been very patient and understanding and I just want to cry. I am a nervous wreck when we go to bed, or try ... I don't want to be disappointed nor do I want him to be hurt, or embarrassed. I can't help but feel that he is not attracted to me any more and I am starting to take it personally. He of course tells me that is not true that he is very attracted to me ... I don't know what to think anymore ...
—Guest Alwayz

No Sex

I have been married 10 years and we have 2 kids -- 5 yr old boy ad 3 month old son. I have to beg for sex. She's never in the mood. I'm resorted to smelling her panties and masturbating.
—Guest sexless07

Try This, Ladies!

I've been married over 20 years w/libido gradually diminishing. Not my husband's, however. I've tried multiple counselors, testosterone creams & drops, books, etc, all to no avail. He goes back and forth between patient understanding and irritated frustration. The longest I've made him go w/out is 10 days, btw, so I'm not a horrible person. I try to be accommodating even though being touched makes me want to scream. I finally, in desperation, went to a gynecologist who specialized in hormone therapies and got on testosterone injections and after the 2nd one, my body started to come alive and I got a sex drive like crazy! Unfortunately, it didn't make me want to have sex w/my husband all the time which made me see we had relationship issues to deal with causing our sexual problems, but if low libido is your only problem, testosterone could be your miracle cure! It was lovely to have my body wake up again.
—Guest Moby

Your Low Sex Drive Man Unemotional Too?

Hi, I post here because for years I too have been beyond frustrated, felt unattractive, lonely, depressed, hopeless and recently ready to leave. From specialists, to disorders, to sex toys, to vitamins, I've read days' worth, while he did nothing except go to the doctor and wear different underwear. A woman who is often hypersexual, I asked for an open relationship, nope, not that I could. I perused adult sites pondering cheating. I begged, pleaded, even tried to barter my husband. The more I wanted it the more he resisted. At one point I swore off sex altogether, but no matter what, my drive would return. And back to the medical folks and blogs I went. At some point I noticed it was about more than sex, it was intimacy, feeling loved, him responding when I was naked. Recently it became about porn getting his interest. I decided last week to work on how to leave. Then I found by accident an article on Passive Aggressive Men & withholding sex. It's not been listed anywhere as a reason.
—Guest Jules

Same Here!

I have been married for 2 and a half years. In that time I can only remember desiring sex a handful of times. I just can't be bothered. I feel bitter with my husband when he suggests it. After all this time I've plucked up the courage and made an appointment with my doctor.
—Guest Low sex drive

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