A low sex marriage may seem okay to one spouse and yet may be viewed as a huge problem by the other spouse. How have you dealt with the issue of differing sex drives in your marriage? Readers share their answers.
Living With No Sex
- I have been married for 11 yrs. In the last 5 yrs we have had no sex. I try to talk to him about the problem he says it's because were to old. We are only 54 and it has effected our marriage we don't talk nice to each other. I'm raising my 9 yr old granddaughter. I have no issue to make me think he is cheating the problem is he just doesn't want sex at all. When he kisses me it is always 3 short pecks and never with the mouth open. He told me his mom and dad always kissed like that and they were married over 30 yrs they have since past away. I am just really frustrated and he refuses to talk about it. He seems so happy with everyone else but when it comes to me he is very rude and I just end up not even bringing it up anymore. I feel very much unloved and find myself sleeping on the couch most nights. I grew up in a very bad childhood and lately my depression just gets worse and I feel like my marriage is over. I've tried the romance things but it doesn't matter he just isn't into it.
Wife Not Interested In Sex
- 5 years in marriage. Had a steaming start with pretty marital sex after engagement. For last three years things changed. She is less interested in sex. When I initiate it, her response makes me guilty like I am a sex mongerer who just wants sex from her. So I wait for her to start at. But she never does it whole heartedly. Some times even when she does initiate its like its a burden or a duty. My sex drive is overwhelmingly high. I am open for anything from fanta uses to roleplay to threesomes. She says she can role play and discuss n share fantacies. Actions speak louder than words. Every failed attempt on her part is taking me further away from her. She even tells me that I can approach whoever you want but I feel a sense of responsibility towards her and more importantly I don't want to involve in extra marital relations. I have fantacies but don't want it to happen. When I discuss it she starts crying of says it happens with every couple when kids are young. It will get better. Help
- —Guest gem_k
Don't Lose Hope, Things Can Change
- As I read from one post to the next, my heart tears into shreds for many of you who feel trapped in toxic marriages, trying your best to make things work in vain. I can't imagine the level of abuse, frustration, hopeleness and emotional pain you are feeling right now. Honestly, the level of torment and suffering people are facing in their own homes is staggering, it is unbelievable! You'd even think it is hell on earth. This phenomenon is happening world wide beyond human understanding and spiritual in its root. Most relationships are built on faulty foundations, life's pressures come, cracks start to show and things finally fall apart. Oh! what a painful experience. Separation is not always the best solution because no one is perfect out there, but people are forced to leave their spouse because they just can't tolerate the pain any longer. I don't have all the answers but we can talk further in person.
- —Guest Caesar
It Has to Be Me, Right?
- So my husband wants to get mad because he had to initiate sex (well, not always) but when it happens, it happens. He complains that he had to ejaculate outside of me.. wear a condom, then. Said it's better to go with prostitute than wearing a condom.. get yourself fix, we are not getting anymore kids after all. I rarely come when we had sex but I come when I masturbate, so I seriously don't understand what is he complaining about when I don't. Many times I feel that I am better alone and he can just go get himself a nymph to satisfy him.. but can he satisfy her instead?
- —Guest Fed Up
Low Sex Life
- My wife has being starrving me for the past two months.
- —Guest jaimset
Little Sex With My Husband of 39 Years
- I am tired of this yo yo sex life! Off and on spurts, herpes, sexual infections, feelings of infidelity and husband of 38 years obsession with the internet!!! I left him in 2004, twice in 2007, 2010, and 2011 returning with promises to go to counseling with recommendations, books and other. He only agrees with after I leave. I want out! I'm wasting my life. I have been saving for affordable Assisted Living, $1600. max in Southern California and hoping to secure with a female divorce attorney.
Thanks in advance.
- —Guest Delores
Christian Man In a Sexless Marriage
- I'm 43yrs and my wife is 31yrs. We are 10 yrs married with two kids. Our lives look promising on the outside, but when I take an honest look at our sex life, I hear the sound of a cracking ice beneath the foundation of our marriage. With time we both realised that I desire regular and consistency in sex than she does. I know I felt rejection and avoided many times. I know I'm tired initiating sex. I want neither of us to be sex hostages in this marriage. I'm deeply challenged by her ignorance and most times I feel I'm married to a child. We can't be passive about unmet sexual needs because if we don't who will? Great marriages don't grow on trees but are worked daily by two people who want to be together. Yes, I've wonder in my heart how things would have been if I met someone equally matured and willing to read to gain more understanding of life's important marriage issues. I've also realised that satan has nothing to do with divorce but our ego's and past pain. May God's wisdom come!
- —Guest L
Evolution or Devolution
- I do not understand why people stop doing what they did before marriage. THAT is what got you married to this person. To then stop and then wonder why things start to decline is odd to me.
I think my wife started with the no thanks, maybe later, this weekend, etc etc as a power thing in the bedroom. I got tired of being rejected 100% of the time and stopped trying. I told her once when she initiated that I had a migrane and she went off on a tear on how I have never turned down sex so I must be cheating on her, etc. etc.
Flash forward to the turn downs to do anything together. Movie? nope. Dinner? nope, walk? nope. on and on. 100% rejection. last one was a play that our daughter was in.
I read that low sex marriages have sex once a month. Last YEAR we did it 4 times. How am I not supposed to take it personally when the person who used to desire me no longer does after 26 years. I refuse to live my golden years like this.
- —Guest gone
- Been married just over two yrs. Im 33 she's 29. Got two kids one by me (2 yr old) and live with our 88 yr pop n law ...... yeah. Sex is like a curse word with her. When we first got back together just over 3 yrs ago she was my well personal s***. Sorry but true. Now I feel like I have just before we got married that I got tricked. I do I love her and she's not hard on the eyes and craves attention even though she denies it. Ugggg. I have needs. I do i feel like this is abuse. Im sure she was jesting but went so far to say get a blow up doll or a whore on the side. Im not built like that but the longer this goes on I'm starting to resent her and stay pissed. Do I just go against what I believe and get a side girl for sexual needs? It feels wrong because I want it with her but I refuse to play husband and play Yankee doodle with myself when it comes up. HELP!
- —Guest foolfellinlove
Low Sex Marriage
- when we were dating, i hav never ask her. for sex and she said no. but since we got married, she always give one reason or d other for not having sex with me. but when she observed that am not happy with her for some time, she will finally call me for sex. my wife dictate when to sex in my house,. if i keep quiet , it might take us 2 months to sex. i love her but i am tired of the marriage . am sick emotionally and she is very comfortable what should i do?
- —Guest Mctee
- My husband and I have not been intimate in any way for 7 years. Physically or Emotionally. There has been many stressful times and disagreements. I finally just could not understand the total absence of anything, so I point blank asked and demanded an answer within 2 weeks. I asked him to really think about it, as my life has no meaning or substance, such as it is. I was just told that his diabetes makes it impossible for him to do anything, and he is too upset to talk about it again. He was not interested in trying anything to solve the problems. He has given up pretty much on everything. He does not go anywhere with me, he sleeps in another room, he does not really come near me at all. Not even a bit of a kiss. I am very outgoing and light hearted and he is snuffing the life out of me. I do not know which way to turn. I do not feel I can even communicate anymore. He will take no suggestions. Time has slipped away from me, without me really realizing it. Now I am in a Panic!
- —Guest Caught Off-Guard
- We are seniors and married for 40 yrs. My wife is going thru the change of life. We have very infrequent sex. This is due to my wife has lost most of her natural lubricant and intercourse is very painful. This makes an orgasm impossible. We have tried to use vitamin e oil but it hasn't helped. My wife went to a specialist and did some physical therapy to increase her opening but it didn't help. We love each other very much and would like to find something that would bring us closer together. Any ideas? Suggestions?
- —Guest John O'Malley
- wow...I have been married for 7 years and with him for 9, and have the same problem!! It is nice to know that I am not the only one who feels like this, but for the person being told "no", it is a terrible, devastating feeling. I have been searching for an answer for this for quite sometime, and the only thing I am told to do is run!! I love my husband very much, and we have a family together, that is the last thing that I want to do! I just want to make it better somehow, and stop feeling this way..lonely. Please anyone that has any advice with this kind of situation, please HELP!!! I am not sure how much longer I can be rejected before it starts harming our marriage, and when I tell him how I feel, he doesn't respond or do anything about it...it's almost as if he doesnt care, or whatever his reason is, is more important. I am hurting...and for anyone who reads this and is the abuser who says"no".. please rethink your decision..you really dont know how much you are hurting your spous
Response Women Wonder Why Men Cheat
- Solution to women wonder why men cheat: A. let go of the resentments, jealousies and insecurities you are feeling, support your wifes wants and needs in regard to her son. B. Come on to your wife more often as she requested but at appropriate times, not when she is exhausted or tending to son, etc. perhaps suggest weekly date nite and son with family/friend overnight and give her time prior to going out to make herself feel attractive and do things that you both will enjoy and talk about non agrumentative, non work related topics, perhaps a movie you saw, or opinions about random things, and reconnect emotionally and come on to her with flattery throughout evening and make sure to get home early before she is exhausted and continue to come on to her and make her feel attractive. Feeling understood, appreciated, and attractive is the ultimate aphrodisiac and will make you desirable to her and thus give you the attention you desire.
The Spousal Duty
- Sorry but I have a problem with the folks that state married people have an obligation to fulfill the others spouses sexual needs and wants regardless of their emotions and feelings. I think they have an obligation to try and figure out why they are feeling disinterested and resolve, but it is not right to make the person not interested feel like they are morally wrong in not satisfying their partners needs and to tell them to shut off all their emotions and put on a charade of sorts to fulfill their spouses sexual desires. For most of these people there is alot of emotional and intimacy neglects needing to be met that are just as important as the other spouses physical needs. It is commonly known that men primarily get the intimacy they seek from sex and women seek through intimate conversation/time/attention. It seems like in the dating phase men are very good at meeting these needs, but after marriage not so much, so why not treat wife like you did when you dated?