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Readers Respond: The Impact of Pornography on Marriages

Responses: 163

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From the number of comments about porn on our blog and on our Marriage Forum, pornography is a deal breaker for many individuals. What about you? If your spouse continued viewing porn after you shared how much pornography hurt you, what would you do? Readers share their stories.

Surprise

After years of marriage I encountered medical issues that really affected sex between myself and my wife. When we returned from a recent trip thee was an anonymous envelope in the mail addressed to me. When I opened it I found a slip of paper with an internet address. When I went to the site I found an amateur porn video of my wife with another guy. I was devastated and couldn't believe what I was seeing. Upon confronting my wife with the video she tried to claim that it wasn't her. But there were so many characteristics that showed that it was her that she decided to just ignore the situation. She still has not admitted it was her despite the obvious. People tell me that I should take action, but I don't want a divorce and my wife was less than honest in the one session of marriage counseling we attended. I am in shock and depression over finding my wife on internet porn.
—mauryd

Sick of the BS

We've been married 34 yrs. Trust me it only gets worse. I can't remember what being held, kissed or having sex is like. If your husband refuses to seek professional help, and I mean REAL help, not a liberal hack, but a professional who knows that porn is ALWAYS destructive in every way (I've seen some claim it is healthy), then leave, as fast as you can go. It IS adultery. He IS cheating on you with other women, in his mind it's their hand on him. Start making plans and get ready before he leaves you. You deserve to have a life, to have joy, to be cherished, to be confident that you can trust. Don't let it be stolen away like mine has. There are normal men out there. Addiction to porn is a sickness. You can have a normal life, the way our maker meant it to be. God bless you and give you strength. May He keep you in his loving embrace.
—Guest Vicky

My Husband is Leaving Me for Porn

My husband is so involved with pornography that he did not help me raise our children, preferred pornography to me, was sometimes late to work because of it, stayed after work to use it before coming home, has spent 6 hours at a time masturbating to porn, goes without sleep to use porn, admits he loses track of time, refuses to stop, does not care how I feel, was told by his brother that their are women out there that are ok with porn. now, after 29 LONG DIFFICULT years of putting up with his rage and anger and calling me and our son names, and telling my daughter she is fat. HE DECIDED HE WANTS A DIVORCE b/c my son and I push his buttons and he wants to be free to do whatever he wants like his single brothers can do. Also, he wants to do his porn and not to have to worry about my morals because he is fine with porn and I am ridiculous!! This is an educated man we are talking about here too ladies!
—Guest angry 50 +

The Response From a Perpetrator

I've seen most of these posts are from hurt women which is sad but not surprising. I'm a man who has, soon to be had, a wonderful beautiful woman that means the world to me. I would take a bullet for her in a heartbeat. Men out there, I guarantee you feel the same if you love your wife. But why won't you give up this meaningless degrading garbage? I looked at it for years. My situation is slightly different in that I have bipolar disorder and hypersexuality is a symptom of it, and porn was my outlet for that. I knew when I was well that it was wrong, but I never sought treatment for my disorder and the porn would come back. And now I'm losing her. I never thought I would but every day I can see her drifting away from me and it's tearing me apart. Every man out there take note, your wife WILL find out. She will get fed up. You will lose her and your family. For something that means nothing at the end of the day. On the day you die, alone, porn will not come hold your hand. It won't share in the victories and defeats through your life. It won't lay next to you at night. It won't bear your children and devote it's life raising them. It can bring only pain. It's cheating, it's lying, it's sick. Every time you look at it you are betraying your loved one and you entire family. What I did has caused a pain on my wife that I would not wish on my worst enemy. She has been physically I'll since she found out. Women out there, show your husband what I'm saying. Show them there future. I had it all and it's slipping through my fingers and I am forced to watch it go an everything in my power is not enough to stop it. I am alone, my son will grow up in a broken home because of this and it will affect him the rest of his life. I have effectively ruined three lives because of this. It will happen to you. I've pledged to be a better person and seek treatment but I fear I'm too late. And just like all the men out there, I thought it was not such a big deal. Every guy does it. Well here's one that doesn't but I will live the rest of my life alone because of it. Men please read these words and that you're playing Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun. It's not worth it. I hope and pray my words can save one marriage, one soul, one child's innocence. Before it's too late like it is for me.
—Guest

The Man Who Didn't Understand.

My girlfriend just found some porn in my history last night. As a man who grew up in the in the dawn of the internet, and internet porn, I had not thought of the affect that it has on a spouse. I have been at work all day and she won't return my texts. We haven't talked since last night, in fact the only communication I've had from her was an e-mail with a link to this site, and a note this morning that said things people say when they break up: "I have lost respect for you.""I don't trust you." and the most difficult one of all, "you aren't who I thought you were." My girlfriend is the smartest, funniest, and most amazing woman I've ever met, and up until now, we've had an awesome relationship. I love everything about her...but it's hard to feel like a man when you've betrayed the person who trusts you the most...I just hope that when I get home, I don't have to turn around and leave...
—Guest Is it too late?

Men Need Understanding Too

My husband of 8 years and I have been struggling with this issue since before we were married. I see him as a human being who is struggling with something, as we all do. It took a long time for me to learn how to speak with him about it in a way that he'd respond. Respectfully, calmly, non-accusingly. It's taken years. But I know my husband is a good person and father. Recently I've even able to encourage him to open his heart to my perspective. He has gone through so much trying to talk to me - embarrassment, not feeling capable of expressing himself well, not really understanding "why" himself, etc. But he is really trying. I told him that I needed therapy for the way I am reacting to his constant porn use and the lying that accompanies it. When he saw it that way he truly felt badly. He's agreed to therapy immediately and to honesty even when he watches. We have great sex but he's been watching since childhood. Please remember to be patient and kind to men also. They aren't monsters
—Guest Hopeful Wife

Been There, Done That

My husband also watches porn, secretly and lies to me. He would often leave me to go to bed on my own so that he can stay downstairs with the TV, DVD machine, computer, laptop, mobile phone and more recently his Hudl. As you can see from what he has been using to watch it, his porn watching predates the modern internet. He has also produced sons who think it is OK. Needless-to-say, our marriage is nonexistent. I have grown to hate and resent him for his lies. Unfortunately, his lies and deceit did not stop at pornography. He developed "feelings" for women at work. So what was left of our marriage? He was getting emotional closeness at work and his sexual needs were being met via his Hudl. Which is why our marriage is over. So, I would say to all the people who try to make light of it: please don't. The use of porn leads to loneliness and broken marriages.
—Guest Angela

Hurting

We have been married 40 years and been together 43 years. My husband has been looking at porn for 1 year now everyday and likes the teen porn sites. It makes me sick to my stomach as he masterbates all the time and said he wants his youth. He has never cheated on me but I tell him to quit watching and it just escalates into an argument, then tells me I am bi***ing so it is my fault. Feel lost and alone.
—Guest Hurting

Hurting

We have been married 40 years and been together 43 years. My husband has been looking at porn for 1 year now everyday and likes the teen porn sites. It makes me sick to my stomach as he masterbates all the time and said he wants his youth. He has never cheated on me but I tell him to quit watching and it just escalates into an argument, then tells me I am bitching so it is my fault. Feel lost and alone.
—Guest Hurting

Knightbear

We have been together for 16 years...he was my night and shining amour. 4 years ago he told me a terrible lie about money that I found out about accidentally and lied straight to my face. I asked him to get help then, but he always had an excuse . My trust wash shattered. Fast forward years I still have no trust and question everything. I happened to look at his phone and found so much porn...pics, movies...Of course denial. I look at his pc and found so much porn and dating sights on his web browser. Still denied even with proof in front of him..."I didn't download, I didn't go into any dating site." I can't function, I am consumed with distrust constantly questioning everything. Always has an excuse - he said he is going to counselor, but it has materialized. I am so sick - my life, our marriage will never be the same. I am so sick and scared of my future. At least I am a medical professional and can take care of myself, but I will never be the same.
—Guest carla

I Want to Say Something to Women

My name is Heather Hill, I am an author and I have written a novel, based on the experiences of partners of porn addiction. It is a comedy novel, but addresses this very subject in a serious and intelligent manner. 'The New Mrs D' tackles the difficult, mostly unspoken about subject of porn addiction in a work of comedy fiction. Don't be misled into believing that my book seeks to make fun of the subject of porn addiction in relationships. In fact, its purpose is far removed from that. My reason for writing it was to bring the issue to the foreground and help women who are living in a relationship which is challenging their sense of self worth. If you are struggling with this issue - as I have myself in the past - this book might really help you, which is why I am leaving this information here. I'd like to reach those that need it most. I hope you will look it up.
—hell4heather

Up Hill Battle

I have been with my mate for 13 years, living together 6. From the time we started having sex, ED was present. We were in our 30's and I couldn't understand why. Over the years we had to plan our sex around Cialis & he said it was a medical issue. I believed him until I learned of Porn rel. ED. Many conversations only led to more intense porn use & soon I find the content getting more extreme. He says he's quit but I find out different. Our sex needed to be more extreme for him to keep erect even with meds. I then discover he was posting ads for Extreme sex with strangers. Private emails, chats, meetings, & actual cheating. Always an excuse & usually making it my fault. That is a true addict! & the lies get better each time. I don't think they realize the depth of what that does to the psyc of a woman. It now has made me not at all interested in the fun, kinky things I was always eager to do with him, nor do I want him to see me naked. So many emotions & so hard to trust or heal.
—dndaws

I Don't Understand

I dated my husband a yr and a half and married 7mths. He's 28 and I'm 20. I knew he watched porn and I agreed to watch at first, we still hadn't had sex because I was a virgin and wanted to take it slow. After awhile I told him I didn't want him to watch him anymore and he stopped once we started having sex.I have enjoyed having sex minimum twice a day for a yr and 4mths now. Doing whatever or whenever he wanted. Buying cute little uniforms, etc. I'm not perfect looking but im young, passionate, and I admit I still turn the usual head around in the street. For 7mths I have felt worse and worse about myself. He tries to hide that he watches porn and I show him and he still denies it. He says its not about the women. What is it? The dialogue? I try to work it out with him. Asking what I can do, if there's anything bothering him, etc. Once do talk he stops watching for a few weeks and then goes back at it. I just feel like I've done everything I can. From reasoning with him to blaming my
—Guest Stephanie

Found Porn in His Browser History

found porn again in his browser history on his cell phone. I was out of town and late at night he was looking at these porn videos. I went through this last yera, m we switched cell carriers, he got a new # after he said he was being set up & hacked. I also saw history that he was looking at installing a dating app for zoosk on his phone...as well as chat rooms he looks at. i asked him 2 weeks ago if he did the stuff i found then and of course he didnt! now there is so much more i found. He did this to me last year and swears he was framed ...but he was involved in a secret texting session with a former friend of our daughters who was 21 ..they texted 200 plus times a day and it was innocent! she was in texas and we are in different state. I am sick to my stomach with stress. he is lying to me again and again. how do i catch him and prove its him.
—hulat68

Feel Betrayed

My husband of over 1yr together 5 has been looking at pornography every day for the past month. I have told him how it hurt me when I found it and how it made me feel. We had this talk in the first year of our relationship on my feelings and he told me he wouldnt use it and all he needed was me. LIE I told him a week ago how I felt and still everyday its still been on his phone so that tells me he doesnt care about my feelings. Should I leave? I cant even look at him anymore without wanting to break down and bawl my eyes out I have even been so sick to my stomach for days?
—breyma

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