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Readers Respond: Reasons to Snoop

Responses: 39

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From the article: Spying on Your Spouse
Do you snoop on your spouse? If so, how do you justify spying on your spouse? If not, why do you think spying is wrong in your marriage? Readers tell us what they think.

Absolutely

I'm in a long distance relationship with an awesome girl. But she is too friendly. I am pretty good with online stuff, so I went IN on EVERYTHING. Dug out passwords etc. I basically have everything. All I didn't have were the text messages. So I got a monitoring service and it took me 4 days to finally install it without her knowing. Now, I can relax a little because I KNOW I'll find out eventually so it allows me to relax during the day knowing I can just check. I feel bad, but I'm about to give up a lot for her, and if she isn't faithful, I will not do it. The thing is, how do I tell her I know? I don't want to admit that I've been spying. Guess that makes me a liar too? But at least I'm not cheating. The texts I would see were so fcking fcked up. "Down for a quickie tomorrow?" All she said was "No. Mike's in town." To me that doesn't mean "Never again." I made her respond and tell him to stay away from us. But if it happens again, I will see it! So... We'll see. I'm watching.
—Guest michael

I've Spied...and Then I Got Help

I've been cheated on in the past...so I had a low threshold for thinking my current partner is cheating. I was taught to follow my intuition, but later learned that intuition is just a consequence of observed patterns so it wasn't helpful. I'd check his phone, Facebook, email and find nothing. Sure, I've found convos late at night with unknown numbers, but it was always mundane, innocent stuff. Spying started to get habit forming, so I sought help and learned that my "intuition" was actually emotional reasoning and spying becomes habit forming because I was seeking reassurance. It's been a year since I spied last, and I'm feeling tempted to for some reason. But I remember the intense guilt I used to feel after giving in to this temptation, and it's not worth it. I have a very loving boyfriend, and he deserves the best of me.
—Guest girl

Go Ahead and Snoop

My wife had an affair with my friend who's wife was her best friend. They were involved together in a building addition at her office and he was there every day being his flirtatious self. The emotional affair turned into a phycial affair very quickly as they already knew each other. My snooping revealed hidden birth control pills (I had a vasectomy), love greeting cards, and a trip to NYC together. I confronted her on these and she said I was crazy and paranoid. My further snooping revealed a hotel booking for a local hotel. I knew the exact date they were to go to that hotel. So, I waited for them and they did show up and I chased them into the hotel lobby. They were caught red handed and my wife could no longer deny the affair. She did still try deny it at that moment saying that they were their for lunch! The affair came crashing down and ended that day. I highly recommend snooping if you feel strongly the affair is going on. Cathcing them red handed quickly ended the affair.
—Guest Do not trust a friend with your wife

I am Spying From Time to Time

My boyfriend and I dated for a year and a half and we've been living together going on four years. I have always respected his privacy until he got a laptop. All of a sudden we didn't have sex. He started staying up all night on the computer and sleeping in his recliner. I knew he looked at porn and never cared as long as he wasn't talking with women on the net. One night I got up in the night and caught him masturbating while on the computer. I found cheating sites on his computer.. backpage escorts in his history and finally text messages between him and other women. One was an escort describing her rates and then she said she was out back at his hotel in her suburban. He consistently lies and says he backed out. then I found escort numbers in his phone. Heck yes I spy. Every chance I get. He deletes his comp history and text messages now but swears he's not up to anything. I don't feel the same way I used to about him and I certainly will never trust him again.
—Guest I'm no fool

My Boyfriend Mobile Phone

I cheated my boyfriend phone with the help of an app, because we have problems with his conversations to other girls.It really helped me.
—Janny_J

BTW ---

Do you all ever wonder if your snooping pushes them to cheating? Like... they're getting grilled on every little miniscule detail because we're all jealous crazy people. Why not cheat and get it over with? I'm getting accused anyways, maybe I can explain it away like everything else? STOP SNOOPING. It only makes you stress and disconnect from your partner. Been there, done that!
—Guest Toots

Husband Caught Here Too

I never snooped on anyone till I met my husband. No one ever gave me a reason until one day he picked up the phone and excused himself saying it was his boss. He walked 2 BLOCKS AWAY to have the conversation. I looked at his phone later and there were texts going back and forth with some girl he "danced with at a club". Since then, I've been OBSESSED with checking his phone. He went out with his boatmates recently while away on business and I found phone calls to different escort services... yes... that's right. Escorts. He swears it wasn't him and added that he knows I have his phone backed up to mine-- why would he use his phone. He says he went to sleep and the boys used his phone. I don't know what to believe... but it definitely doesn't make me wanna stop snooping any more than before. Awesome eh?
—Guest Tootsytina

I Never Used to But Now Do

My wife encouraged us to move to a different country for a different life. I was first to move and she followed six months later with the kids. I discovered that she had been exchanging sexy text messages with a former colleague at work and even sent him a sexy picture of her. I confronted her and she said it was nothing but an innocent flirt and was sorry about it and that it had a negative impact on our relationship. After that I didn't trust her and kept monitoring her phone, which she put a password on. I found that she still kept the sexy talk with this former work-mate. I also found that she's also exchanging these flirty messages with her ex-boyfriend... even sending each other pornographic pictures and videos. I used to hold her in so much trust but now I don't. We still stay together and do all the things couples do but this is eating me so much. I feel like I can't tell her and I'm not sure what happened the period we were separate from each other.
—Guest canapetrois

Suspicion

If you snoop it is because your are suspicious! What happened in your life that made you not trust? Was it him or someone before? If you trust your partner so little then get counseling or get out!
—Guest Guest

Mayuri

my husband is having an affair with his ex-girlfriend ..... i found out 3 days ago .... wanna forgive him as he promised dat wl not happen again .... but cant forgive him ... i see flashes of him wih her .... cant talk to anybody abt this ... i wanna love him again the way I used to before I found out abt the affair .... plz plz plz help. Editor's Note: This article may be helpful. http://marriage.about.com/cs/infidelity/ht/unfaithful.htm
—Guest mayuri

I Spied

I always know when they cheat, but I don't listen to myslef and consider myself crazy. We all ahve instincts and intuition as our built in survival guides but because of problems in our childhood we learn not to trust them. With my ex, I knew he was cheating so I snooped on his phone and found texts form the manager of the hostel where him and his ex were staying for the night asking them if they need more towels. I confronted him and he admited he cheated. I also made a fake account and pretended to be his ex and he had a sexually explicit chat with me thinking I was his ex. My current boyfriend helped me recover , but it seems he is no better. I feel he is cheating and lying and I just pursued a device to monitor him. The truth sets you free.
—Guest ada

To Snoop or Not to Snoop

I suppose once you are on the slippery slide of no trust it is time to call things a day, i am convinced my husband is cheating on me as he works away from home most nights of the week and i know he is capable of saying he is working away even when he isnt as if we have a row he wont come home for a few days saying it was work .... i am thinking of getting a mobile tracker to try find out if after he says goodnight to me he is going out to meet woman as he is never interested in me even after being away a week .... he will cause a row to avoid any contact ,,,, i know i should just end things but we are married 23 year ... he was a very controlling person and i left once the kids had grown and went and got myself a life, ,,, after 10 year apart we unexpectedly met and ended up back together.. 3 years now ... and it has been very rocky full of mistrust from him when i am not a cheat and he knows this ... i think he puts things on me that he has done as i have found him out a few times to be lying.
—Guest bev

I'm Tired of Being Mistreated

i been 17yr my hubby has talking to his ex wife when im at work and looking at porn, he verbly abuse to me and my kids , he hides his phone and his computer pass words and say he needs privates, he claims he not cheating, but tries make it out like im, i have never cheated on him, he comes up and looks at what im doing on the computer and watchs what im typing to my friends. like he hoping my doing some thing wrong.
—Guest sick to death

Need Help :/

I started spying on my husband when a sherriff came to my door with foreclosure papers. He was responsible for paying our mortgage since I still had a home that I was financially responsible for. We were 8 months behind in our mortgage and I had no clue. After this I started snooping, I found amputee videos downloaded and lots of really negative texts about me to his sister and other women in his life. He excused the videos to something that was emailed to him. Now in the last month I decided to snoop again and there are dozens of amputee videos and books that he apparently enjoys looking at/ reading. Also he says f her in regards to me quite often to his sister. He says he is in awe of amputees desire to rise above and achieve happiness...he says it isnt sexual yet they are women. I am hurt, confused and discusted by him. I dont understand sexuallizing something so challenging to people. I am now becoming a drunk because I dont know how to deal with my hurt or confusion HELP
—Guest Pissed off wife

Tony

My wife was an undercover dyke. I found out before we got married. We talked about it and she said, that period in her life was all a mistake. We agreed to leave the past in the past. Time passed and I would catch her on the phone with her ex ... she admitted that she was wrong for that, however as time passed I would catch her again on the phone with her ex. I asked her how would she feel if I was on the phone at O-dark 30, in the morning, with an old flame. She said, "she would not like it". We agreed again, to leave the past and old relationships in the past. HOWEVER, I got slapped in the face for the third time, with this EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP, my wife is involved in ...... So I was hurt ... due to the fact, I never thought I married someone who could be so deceitful. I never thought of this woman to be someone who could look me in the face and lie without blinking. I made up my mind. I will hang in there .... for my daughter. I also determined I can't trust this lady.
—Guest Tony

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