We started watching how we used the terms "have-to" and "want-to" quite a few years ago in our own marriage. There really is a difference in saying "We have to visit my parents this weekend" versus saying "I want us to visit my parents this weekend." And that difference really isn't subtle.

Saying he doesn't like "the idea of obligation in relationships," Mark White explains why he doesn't like "using the words 'owe,' 'expect,' 'deserve,' or 'rights' when talking to the person I love." We would add saying 'you have to ...' to the list.

We agree with Mark White that there is a problem in marriage when "Partners 'have' to do what's 'expected' of them, they 'have' to live up to 'agreements' or 'bargains,' and so on. No longer are obligations fulfilled out of love for the other person; now they're duties, tasks, things to be crossed off a list or to be recalled on a future occasion for strategic advantage ('remember when I took your mother to her podiatrist's appointment?'). Just as the relationship or commitment has lost its value and seems like a mere burden, so do the obligations connected to it; now, you're obliged to do the things you happily did in the past ... I shudder to imagine telling the person I love that she 'owes' me something, or that I 'deserve' something from her (or vice versa). If we love and appreciate each other, as implied by the internal view on our relationship, then we'll do these things naturally. And if we reach the stage at which we have to start 'reminding' each other what we deserve or expect, I'll know there's something wrong, that we've gotten off track--and that we truly owe it to each other to sit back and talk about things. Our relationship would deserve no less."
Source: Mark D. White, Ph.D. "What Do We 'Owe' Our Partners? Obligation in Relationships." PsychologyToday.com. 8/13/2010.

Do you find watching how you use the terms "have-to" and "want-to" helpful in communicating with your spouse?

We are still married! And we are happily married! Honest!

According to a reader's comment on our blog, there is a rumor going around the Internet that Bob and I are divorced. This rumor is NOT true! We will be celebrating our 47th anniversary on November 2nd.

Looking through the results of our poll on porn, and reading the many blog comments and posts about porn on our Marriage Forum, it is obvious that pornography is considered a non-issue for some while others view it as a hot button issue and a deal breaker.

Reader Bellla0428 posted advice on our Forum that we think is worth sharing.

"Be careful of calling it an addiction. You not liking it doesn't make it an addiction. Him not wanting to give it up doesn't make it an addiction.

He may have lied to make you feel better (no, it doesn't excuse it), you kept trying to extract promises from him because you don't like it, he lies to make you feel better, cycle continues.

I actually think you got the best piece of advice a few posts back. He likes porn. You don't. OK, fair enough. Don't make it a contest. You know he's going to look so stop looking to "catch" him, try to get him to promise to stop, he lies, he looks, you catch, cycle continues.

It's private sexuality for him. He isn't robbing banks or even smoking cigarettes which harm his health.

Tell him, "I know you look at porn. It's not my thing but I'm not your mom and as long as it doesn't take the place of our sex life and as long as you're discreet about it and don't do it while I'm sitting right there, I'll leave you alone. I won't snoop, I won't try and guilt you into stopping."

You don't continue the hide/lie/sneak cycle, you acknowledge that he is entitled to his private sexuality, he stops feeling like he's in a can't win situation and everybody wins.

What do you think of pornography usage in a marriage? Please share your experience or thoughts about pornography with our readers.

As we approach Labor Day in the U.S., it is a good time to talk about how the two of you divide the household chores.

Although it wasn't always this way in our home, Bob now does the cooking around here and I take responsibility for cleaning the kitchen. Bob does the laundry and I fold and put clothes away. But if one of us is not feeling well or feels overwhelmed by other things we are doing, we are both willing to step in and get the chore done. It works for us.

We think it is important that you discuss what is important to you both and what isn't when it comes to a clean house, handling finances, taking care of the yard and vehicles, childcare, and mealtimes. As you set your priorities as a couple when it comes to chores, be considerate of one another's body clocks and don't try to control how your spouse does a chore.

And don't nag!