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Sheri & Bob Stritof

"I love him, but I'm not in love with him ..."

By March 4, 2007

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The "I love her, but I'm not in love with her anymore" type of comment is often used as a reason to end a marriage and we see it posted on our marriage forum quite a bit.

What do people mean when that say this?

This forum post by Carol gives an interesting opinion.

"(Ok, I've wondered what people meant when they say they love their husband but they are not in love with them. )

Your entire post was a really good one. Hopefully it'll give her something to think about. Sounds like she's just staying with him for the security but if I were THAT unhappy I'd have been gone a long time ago.

I mainly just wanted to comment on the part of your post above. I've often wondered about that too. I often think that 'love' has degrees. We can look at your partner and get those overwhelming feelings of 'gushiness' and think how much we love and adore someone...that's the 'in love' feelings. Other times we can look at our partner and feel affection, caring and just know we 'love' them. Other times we can look at them and not feel much of anything, at least not conciously, but we still know we 'love' them, I think people sometimes think if they just 'love' someone but don't feel the 'in love' feelings, that it's all gone and there's nothing left. Emotions can, and do, sometimes change by the day, hour and minute but if we really LOVE someone we will love them all the time, even without the 'gushiness' and it won't mean we aren't 'in love' with them anymore. Just a matter of degree.

Just my thoughts but I think about this often since it's a number one reason for people to break up. Or seems like it.

ETA: Not only does it sound like the OP isn't 'in love' with her husband but I don't think she 'loves' him either, no matter what she says."

Do you agree or disagree? Post your comments!

Related: Love is a Decision | Poll: Would You Marry Your Spouse Again?

March 5, 2007 at 7:05 pm
(1) she says:

I believe you can love your husband/wife and not be love with that person. If you have been with a person for a certain period of time, then you care about their feelings and wellbeing. you love that person for being a humanbeing and some of the qualities he/she has. You do not want anything bad to happen to them. But you do not have any romantic feelings for the person. it’s a big difference! It’s hard sometimes to live like that. I think you should be honest and let a person know how you feel. If the relationship is worth saving, the couple should try cousenling (if it will help). It’s hard to love someone when the feelings aren’t mutual! Everyone has to find happiness for themselves. So, be honest to yourself and to the person involved. You will sleep better.

July 9, 2009 at 11:38 pm
(2) TXlady says:

I agree. I am personally going through this right now. My husband and I have tried over and over to work things out, even now we are trying. I think I made the decision to try one more time just to make sure it wasn’t any outside influence but I can deffinately tell that things are way different. I do love him. I would never wish anything bad on him and am not looking to damage anyone. I’m simply spent. I am tired of being the one doing the giving and not ever getting anything back in return. Even after I told him about how I felt he is trrying a harder but I know it must be over b/c I’m still not happy and its harder everyday to stay. I’m really stuck and will probably soon be leaving. But you never know what thw future brings so I guess we’ll see.

April 25, 2010 at 9:20 pm
(3) yoyo says:

thats true i love my boyfriend of 7yrs but im nolonger in love with him. its more of staying with him for the sense of security coz im used to him and wonder what its like not being with him.fear of unknown has the best of me but one thing for certain i wouldnt want to hurt him, i wouldnt want anything bad to happen to him i care about him but its not the same anymore and i feel as long as im with him im never gonna be really happy

January 2, 2011 at 4:28 pm
(4) B says:

There is this guy and I tell him everything that’s inside my head, I mean everything. We dated for a while but there was no chemistry, my question is do I love him? I never want any harm to come to him and sometimes even though I don’t want to date him I get protective when I see him with other girls, is this wrong?

January 15, 2011 at 2:30 am
(5) dman says:

Love is so complicated that sometimes requires a miracle to make it happen. When you give God all your love, life becomes much easier to understand. The problem with most relationships is people go into them thinking their partner will make them happier.

The best way is to find happiness before you go into a relationship. Being in love with God will make you happy. Your partner will be there to support you through all of the life trials God gives you to test your love.

If you and your partner both love God this will create an unbreakable bond which can make happiness eternal.

Lot of people try to prove the love of another person without letting faith become part of their existence.

God is the one who holds the relationship together because without him love wouldnt exist.

Just think, would anyone say I am not ” in love” with God. If you would then it probably means you are one very unhappy person. Your life will have no faith or fullfillment. All you will do is torture yourself with proving things with science an never really enjoy God’s eternal happiness.

Many blessings to all who are being tested, just know that the harder we are tested the more love we will recieve from God.

February 23, 2011 at 10:32 am
(6) Veronica Won says:

Love is a very strange thing. It cannot be defined the same for each couple. Once in love, everything is so perfect and beautiful. Once married, love seems to fade away by the days.

I am an Asian, been married for more than 10yrs. He’s my first & only man. I was devastated when I found out he had cheated on me for the past 6 yrs. And passed STD to me.
I said to him: If I die from cervical cancer or HIV, you will be the murderer to the mother of our child.
He said that it’s acceptable for Asian men (being a male chauvinistic & being influenced by his bad buddies) to keep misttress as everybody he knows do that!!
I said to him: If you don’t let go of your mistress, I’ll let go of you. There are 2 different types of buddy, one is good, the other one is evil. Which group do you belong to?

Because I have always been the giver, a person with a heart too big, too generous, we have now reconciled.
It is not going to be easy, but it’s not going to be difficult.

Life is a journey. Marriage is the weather. No one can forecast how is it going to be like tomorrows. But as long as our heart & mind & soul can take it, we will be fine, be thankful when the days are clear blue sky with sunshine, be tactful in fine-tuning when it’s thunder & storm.

I had been in a perfect storm. I believe if I can do it, many others can too.

August 30, 2011 at 1:33 pm
(7) Mary says:

Marriage takes work ~ like every relationship. If you don’t tend to friendships, they no longer are close ~ marriage is saying I commit to make our relationship my first priority. When daily life gets in the way and bills need to be paid and diapers need to be changed or promotions at work mean a more priorities and the time isn’t spent on the relationship like it used to, of course your ‘gushiness’ will have waned. And what makes it worse is when you start counting the differences between you two and you start to convince yourself that you are growing apart. No, you just need to reprioritize and start working at making your marriage great again…you did it once, surely it is true that it will happen again…just don’t be so quick to end such a major commitment. Relationships are the same all over and if you have been lucky to find someone to be faithful to you, non abusive, and not a pervert or on behavior modification medicines ~ you may be in the lower percentile of the population and really should be counting your blessings. You will either work on this relationship, that you have already put years into, or you will begin all over again at step one learning how not to piss eachother off, or how to make eachother feel like they are the best looking person in the world or to even just to grow together. ” Getting a divorce is like throwing out one pot of soil just to plant another seed only to find out your never were a very good Gardner to begin with.”

January 24, 2012 at 2:17 am
(8) Moon says:

I love this couple. Very sorry about their split

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