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Sheri Stritof

Porn and Marriage — One Wife's Response

By September 1, 2013

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The debate continues about whether pornography creates problems in a marriage or not.

One of the readers of our Marriage Forum posted a question several years ago asking what to do when her husband continued to view porn and to lie about it to her even though he knew how much it hurt her.

An early response to her question showed how communication could bring about a change in attitudes and behaviors that could help a marriage cope with the porn issue. There are now over 1000 responses to the initial forum post and over 850 comments on this blog.

An interesting thought posted by a reader married 10+ years: "Porn and Marriage are like oil and vinegar ... they will never mix no matter how you shake it up."

Poll:
     Has pornography hurt your marriage? Vote!
     View Poll Results

Related:
     Readers Respond: The Impact of Pornography on Marriages
     Can Pornography Undermine a Marriage?
     Before You End Your Marriage Over Porn
     What To Do When Your Husband Won't Stop Watching Pornography
     How to Talk About Sexual Problems in Your Marriage
     Masturbation FAQ

Comments
August 25, 2006 at 11:06 am
(1) afhartson says:

what a load of c. this disregards fundamental spiritual and biblical principles. Pornography is an addition. Period. Get help!

December 23, 2006 at 11:26 pm
(2) A married girl says:

I agree with Post 6542.16. Yes, pornography is an addiction (not addition.) However, a husband should be able to “get help” from his wife. If he is unable to communicate with her and she is unable to at least try to understand why he is progress is out of the question, no matter how much the men loves his wife (after all, why should a man be closer to a therapist than his wife?!)

Like the woman answering the original question, I’m speaking from my own experience. Here was the progression that took place in me after I realized that my husband whose love I trust without a drop of suspicion was unable to quit looking at porn:
- breaking down and hoping that realization of how much I’m hurt will make him stop
- talking with him and explaining why I believe it’s wrong in a setting of a marriage and why it hurts me so much
- trying to do it with him (that didn’t work so well since neither of us could enjoy it)

All of the above continued for many months till one fine day a friend of mine suggested that my husband and I set some goals for ourselves and decide where we want to end up in terms of this subject (by that point, we have been focusing on the feelings and emotions in the present but since there was a lot of hurt and judgment, it was hard to see where we were going.)

My husband and I decided that our goal for now will be to only experience porn together and see if that is something that works for us. In the meantime, I agreed to accept that a goal is something that we’re striving for, not something that is already achieved, thus – goal. I told my husband that even though it’d hurt me if he engaged in porn, it would be OK, because after all, he will try his best not to do it and I told him that I believed that one day, we (not him) will achieve our goal.

Another vital step was asking my partner to tell me if he had done ďitĒ instead of hiding it so that we can talk about it but even better to tell me if he has a desire to do it before he does it (since he usually does it when I’m not home, I asked him to call me instead of doing it and just talk to me.)

His first such call today is what inspired me to reply to this post. We may not have reached our goal yet but I am happy. I know how hard it was for him to break his habit and call me instead and I also know that he was only able to do it because he believed that I wouldnít judge him.

He may look at porn again when he’s weak but all of our efforts no longer make me feel less wanted than porn.

Lastly, it may be useful to think about the fact that your partner may’ve had this habit long before he even met you. Imagine how difficult it may be to break and if you can’t imagine, understand that it is not a replacement; if it was, he wouldn’t need you to start with. You don’t see many men being satisfied by porn alone. Yes, it would be tremendously nice if you alone could satisfy him but doesn’t that seem like a more likely option? It is achievable with a lot of work on both partners’ sides and an open mind.

January 9, 2007 at 9:05 pm
(3) AJHardi says:

I’m dealing with this now and I find all of the comments so far helpful in their own right.

Porn does create a problem in marriage if it is something that is not aggreed apon in the beginning or if it violates the couples religious views. I’m at the point where if my husband does not stop viewing porn it could end our marriage. Before doing that I have accepted his “habit” and decided to work on it for six months. We shop at the sex toy store and lingerie websites together, if this is not enough then yes it is over.

In a marriage, what one partner does affects the other. That is a fact. So yes, porn is a problem because it affects the person who is supposed to be the husband’s only object for affection.

February 13, 2007 at 10:00 am
(4) Lorie says:

I’m 3 months pregnant. Naturally it hurts to know that my husband looks at porn. i feel like he doesnt want me anymore, and when we’re together I pray he’s not picturing one of those perfectly proportioned women. As hard as it was i gave in and decided.. if it makes him happy, just go with it. But can i do it too? Can i look at porn and him be perfectly ok with it? why dont we try it and find out??

February 15, 2007 at 4:26 pm
(5) MamaCita says:

I’m a stay-at-home mom and my husband works hard (7am – 6pm) six days a week, so naturally we don’t get to see much of each other. I’m not really sure what to believe anymore as far as marriage and porn go. My husband used to tell me he would view porn because I wasn’t very intimate with him (I haven’t wanted to have sex as much since we had our second child). I decided that I should be more intimate with him (I have been a lot more) since he is my husband and I agreed to be in a relationship with him the day we got married. But that hasn’t been working. I’ve tried watching it with him for a few weeks and we’ve been to the adult store together to be more adventurous. He tries to hide everything by keeping his little tv in the way of his monitor on his pc. He even viewed the porn maybe an hour before he gave me my Valentine’s gift! I get mad at him because he lies to me about it, for example, I asked him what something was on his computer (he said he didn’t know what it was and told me to find out) and when I told him what it was he told me that I put it there so he would get in trouble! I have very low self-esteem and I have a poor self-image, so it seems like he does it to make me feel like I’m worthless…I don’t know what to do any more except cry. So it would seem to me that pornography does horrible things to a marriage depending on the two people involved.

February 25, 2007 at 7:58 pm
(6) Annoynomous says:

To the lady who posted the comment above,

First, I address my sympathy to you for being in a sick situation liks this–your example proves how wrong and unresearched this about article is–that the men DO NOT get satisfied but crave even MORE of it. It’s a common “excuse” a husband may use sometimes, according to what I’ve read online. That he blames his wife not being intimate physically. Pornography does not enhance your relationship. I am sure that when these two people (the people in the article) were “making love”, they weren’t making love to each other, they were probably picturing what they had saw in the video. This is the real trap, not the “trap” of “allowing porn to hurt you”. I mean, if it hurts you, it tells you something–it isn’t right. Secondly, why hide/deny the emotion of being hurt? This is one of those “defense mechanisms”. There are so many more points to counter here. Remember, pornography is cybersex and sex outside marriage is adultery so porn-use is adultery and not to mention degrading of the person you are looking at–you use them as an object for your own selfish pleasure. Another thought, they article says that she didn’t mind it later on, let me ask this: would you have married your husband if he told you before the wedding, or even before you walking down the carpet that “hmm… I hope you are okay with the fact that I am going to be looking at pictures of other women in case we don’t spend much time together. Would you have walked down the carpet and married that man? I think not, because he’s telling you that he’s going to be committing adultery later on. I recommend the websites: http://www.family.org and blazinggrace.org/index.html (which by the way has a forum and a story from a former pornography actress and how she was involved and out of porn industry and the process during. I hope this is helpful. You guys should definitely pray together–it helps alot, you express your feelings and your thoughts and your deepest concerns to God together. I also hope that your relationship will be intimate again–not just physically of course.

Like a mistress, porn can corrupt relationships. Remember, it’s not just the pictures, deep down, it’s a craving to satisfy a selfish desire without making an commitment.

May 1, 2007 at 6:13 am
(7) Joe says:

Haha… I laugh at all these comments because for the most part, they’re from a bunch of desperate housewives.

Honestly, I hate to be such a jerk, but look at it this way… Men aren’t the only people on the planet who watch porn. Plus, porn isn’t the addiction. Nor would it ever be the woman’s, who of which performs in it, “perfect” body that becomes the addiction. Those women are fake. If you ask any religious person, God created man and woman to perfection. We non-fake people are the perfect ones. Those women of porn have incredibly disproportioned breasts as it relates to their bodies, lipo, face lifts, and 50 million other things that definitely make them fake. The addiction is the chemical rush. It’s scientifically proven that it’s endorphins that are the addiction. When watching porn and masturbating, the individual committing the act, both man and woman, create within themselves a temporary chemical change.

Now, while we’re on the topic of masturbation, is it only men who masturbate? Most folks will agree when I say “No.” Will you say that masturbation is bad. Some people will agree and disagree. Now let me ask another question… Which gender is more likely to use sex toys while masturbating? I will find few who will disagree when I say it’s women that are more likely. How do you think most guys would feel if they were to find out that their wives, who have been using sex toys since before they were together, were using something a little bigger than he is?? Well, I’ll let you know now, as a guy, that I would be extremely disappointed and have a horrible case of low self-esteem. Now, I at that point could attempt to go into conversation with her and tell her how it hurts me when she uses that “thing,” but it’s not only men who would lie after having a conversation like that. I’m sure the likelihood of a woman then hiding the fact that she still does it is just as great as a man’s desire to hide the truth.

With all that said, let’s go back to the endorphin thing. There are a few ways out there to help this. If in fact, your man or woman, has a problem with porn which is connected to masturbation, there’s a simple way to fix it although not many people are really desirous to go this far… Exercise. A vigorous workout gives the same effect as masturbation when it comes to an endorphin rush. If your loved-one has an addiction to that rush, kindly try to get him/her to make the switch to exercise. I guarantee that it will EVENTUALLY become just as addicting and their mind will eventually switch from, “I want to watch porn for my rush,” to “I want to work out for my rush.” It’s the same thing that generally happens when smokers switch to gum or when drug addicts switch to alcohol. They shift what gives them pleasure to a different entity altogether.

Now, some of you may wonder who I am to give any of this advice. I’m a 23 year old man who has served time in the military, an environment which, believe it or not, has highly sexual beings in nature, and have watched porn since I was in my very early teens. I’m also religious. I love God and all the blessings He has ever given to me. One of those blessings has been a desire for knowledge. I love studying things I don’t understand and for the longest time, I didn’t understand why I kept going back to porn. Now, I know.

I hope this may help you all and I’m sure there’s plenty more knowledge out there than I can offer if you take more time to study, research and build your knowledge-base rather than spend so much time simply complaining.

God bless you all and may you find your answers.

June 14, 2007 at 5:11 pm
(8) B says:

thanks Joe for your insight. I would like to ask you a question (or two) though, since you are a guy. Do men fantasize about having sex with the women in the porn movies? or when they look at attractive women. Because that is what bothers me the most about this whole topic. Is it that we (the women) are not enough for our men? Can it be harmless? or is it a prelude of worse things to come for *most* men in your opinion?

August 1, 2007 at 11:21 am
(9) rando says:

To say that a woman is “not enough” for her man because he watches porn is a poor self esteem issue. Are people actually threatened by pictures and movies??? Just because you enjoy watching something doesn’t mean you want it to happen in real life. I watch horror movies; doesn’t mean I want Jason to hack me up with a knife. I enjoy looking at women’s fashion; doesn’t mean I want to wear it. I ENJOY watching other women; DOESN’T MEAN I would EVER have sex with anyone but my wife.

August 1, 2007 at 11:27 am
(10) rando says:

BTW, I know Christian fundementalists THINK they have the only valid view of spirituality, but I don’t feel the need to deny my humanity and beat myself up for my own human nature in order to have a spiritual relationship with G-d. It’s a free world, but I don’t run around trying to make porn shops on every corner; please stop running around trying to shut them down!

August 20, 2007 at 3:00 pm
(11) sbcarp says:

The use of pornography can break down the self esteem of any spouse after time. Even someone strong in who they are will begin to question their attractiveness to their spouse – when their spouse is constantly looking for gratification from 20-30 year old women. Real wives age, have babies and change. Pornography isn’t the problem as much as men who view it constantly. If you need that to get by- no matter what your excuse/explanation – you will constantly need more and more to stimulate you. It’s a shame that the very good feeling of orgasm isn’t shared in a marriage building manner. What a waste of good feelings toward your spouse.

August 30, 2007 at 12:37 pm
(12) amc says:

Didn’t we say we’d love honer and cherish each other when we married? How does looking at porn do any of those things? Porn is harmful to a marriage because it is telling your spouse “I am more important and I put my needs above you.” Sex is the biggest driving force in our brains but does that mean we have to view or do it all day long? have some self control. I think that a huge problem is that selfishness that people just can’t seem to give up. People say get over it or accept it because YOU are more important. Wouldn’t it be the same thing to invite a woman or a man and a woman into your home and watch them pose or have sex on your living room floor? Do you think that would be disrespectful to your partner if they had even a SLIGHT problem with you looking at porn. I’m not saying that those people are bad people but I definitly think it is a bad and harmful behavior. Are you proud of it? would you let your kids watch you do it?

September 6, 2007 at 10:22 pm
(13) roni says:

I’ve been married for 1 year now, but my husband and I dated for 7 years. I knew he regularly watched porn before we got married. At first he used the excuse that he used it when I wasn’t around, but now we’re married and we live together. My husband is 29 and I’m 26 and we’re both in good shape, but I don’t understand why our bed has grown extremely cold. I get curious all the time and think something is going on. He says he’s over his sexual peek and that I am hitting mine, but it’s funny that I routinely catch his “peek” working just fine for porn. I suggested watching them with him, but he says NO THANKS!! I practically began begging for sex every 20 to 30 days, which had gone on for 5 months! I find it hurtful and troubling that he didn’t notice we lack intimacy and a fun sexual appetite, which I thought improved with marriage. Please excuse me for being vague, but I actually pray for orgasms and foreplay – but he just not interested in satisfying me. I always make sure he’s satisfied in every way. Why does he prefer watching others doing it?

Thank God I have good self-esteem – so I’ve decided to work on being more sexier, which has caught his attention a little!! Still not a huge improvement in the sex department! There are countless nights and mornings I continue to catch him sneaking to the computer, which result in nasty arguments. I tried getting even with him by using sex toys, but I don’t tell that it bothers him. That wasn’t making me happy anyways, instead it made me feel worse/ dirty even. Sadly, feelings of resentment and loneliness are increasing. I am starting to enjoy the attention I receive from a friend that shares my beliefs about marital relations. I love my husband, but I know this isn’t healthy. Counseling is an option I’ve considered, but he probably shoot that down. I’m not sure how much of this I’m going to take. Life is too short!

September 10, 2007 at 2:45 am
(14) Concerned wife says:

I have read your comments with interest. I am a married woman of 24 years and find myself in a state of confusion. My husband who is 47 has decided that he needs to have more ‘adventurous’ sex. He has watched and looked at porn since he was 15 and on and off during our marriage. I have begged him to stop. I have told him how that makes me feel and how that is hurting our marriage. I really don’t think he cares. Now he wants to start doing some unspeakable things – I say this because he won’t tell me exactly what he wants, only that is doesn’t involve animals… He is dead serious. I have asked for us to go to counseling to have him realize that this is not how the vast majority of people are. Any thoughts?

September 13, 2007 at 6:45 pm
(15) LivingwithanAddict says:

Concerned wife — I would walk away, you are too young to waste your life on that man.

Pornography can lead to addiction in some people and result in broken marriages. There are forums on the internet for addicted people and their partners.

I don’t think the use of pornography should be encouraged or accepted as widely as it is in our culture. Boys get caught up in it before they have any forethought of ever getting married and they carry that habit into their marriages. When there is marital conflict they will preferentially turn to resolving their feelings in a selfish manner, which leads to an ever-colder marriage.

If pornography isn’t something you would naturally find alluring, don’t compromise your values and your sexual identity by “going along for the ride.” Most likely, he’d rather do it alone anyway, and will only chose something tame, since you’re there.

Ever-increasingly pornography is becoming more violent and expressive of male domination over women. The nature of this material continues to grow more extreme, in that “main-stream” material is what used to be considered “hard-core.” This is a slippery slope, and not just for addicts.

September 20, 2007 at 10:12 pm
(16) Jessica says:

As a woman married and faithful to the same man for 24 years, I have had tons of fun with my husband watching porn. The problem many women have is comparing themselves to and feeling threatened by women in porn. Why not do what I do and focus on the men in porn?! Gets me very excited which absolutely thrills my husband. After 24 years, we still have a fantastic sex life.

November 4, 2007 at 6:24 pm
(17) M says:

The reality is that porn use is a substitution for a honest relationship with another human being. It takes much more effort to make a real woman happy then to just turn on the computer and masturbate. It is very selfish and requires nothing from the man. True love is intimate and requires a RELATIONSHIP with another person. Do not fool yourselves into thinking that your husband is not thinking of the women in the porn when he is with you. Get real! Studies have proven that porn use is progressive and they will ultimately move on to harsher things, and spending more time in front of the computer, it is a trap that is replacing true love and intimacy with another person. You can never compete with porn. Don’t even try, that’s stupid. Do you go to the bar with the alcoholic husband so that he’ll spend time with you? Talk about CO-DEPENDENT! Its uninformed people who make comments about porn not being dangerous to our society that are creating the “ted bundy’s” of the world, who has openly admitted that his increasing porn addiction, eventually drove him to the depths of murdered and rapist. WAKE UP people!

November 19, 2007 at 10:58 pm
(18) Heather says:

I am a 28 year old woman and i am married with 2 boys.
I think i am on the brink of divorce over this whole porn thing.
My husband hides the fact that he watches and masterbates to it, now i know that masterbation is normal. I know that porn doesn’t have to be viewed as an evil thing, however when i am at work (we work opposing shifts) he get’s on line and has at it.
He says oh, your not there and i need it more than you and blah, blahlblah
He can stay up to play a ps3 game after doing this, but, says he can’t stay up and wait for me (i bartend so i don’t always get home early)
I just want to know is porn really worth losing everything over–And to the men out there, why can’t you just be happy without it?

November 20, 2007 at 4:22 pm
(19) ML says:

WRONG! Masturbation is not normal. Is using anything for a edorphin release (high) normal? Masturbation is used to relieve tension, stress, or feelings that the man is unable to deal with. Masturbation is not normal. Take it from someone with a psych degree. You’re are in denial and making excuses for his behavior. It is normal to deal with feelings and not try to relieve them through masturbation. It is an addictive crutch.

November 21, 2007 at 1:54 am
(20) me says:

It is a very hurtful thing. my husband does not think of anything but his dick when he does it. Certainly my self-esteem never crosses his mind. I really do not want children with this man unless he demonstrates the resolve to change this evil habit and not poison any of my future offspring with it. I really don’t believe in divorce, but he hurts me so much more than a razorblade ever could.

November 29, 2007 at 11:42 am
(21) scooter says:

I feel the same way as most of you women do. I am even eight months pregnant. Awhile back my husband and I had a talk about porn and he said that he would respect me and not look at it. For awhile he didnt….only bc i was home all the time. Now, Ive started working out of the house and everytime I go to work he looks at it. MY dad had an addiction to porn and it ruined his and my moms marriage. I dont want my marriage to end like theirs. So I blocked the sites that he was going to hoping that he might get the hint. Well turns out now he’s going to even more measures to hide it from me. Obviously he knows that I know and that it hurts me. And he wonders why I dont want to have sex with him. Its hard for me to even want to bc I know that what he is looking at is not what I look like….or even close..not even close to what I looked like before pregnancy. On top of it I cant even remember the last time he called me beautiful. I even tried being more adventurous for awhile hoping that would calm his urge. I tried even doing it before I left the house that way he wouldnt have the excuse that he needed to and 1 hour after I left bam he was already online. I cant believe he thinks that he’s fooling me. I dont know how to talk to him about it without just sceaming bc I am so hurt. He knows about my parents situation and he knows how hurt it makes me. Please someone help me.

December 3, 2007 at 12:29 pm
(22) ML says:

It is not about sex. You can not satisfy his urges by having sex with him before you leave. It has NOTHING to do with you~!!!!!!! I wish I could make that as clear as glass. NOTHING! You could be perfect in everyway and he would still do it. It is his CHOSEN way to deal with his stress and anxiety about whatever may be bothering him. You did not cause it and you can NOT control it! It is up to him to take responsibility for his behavior. He is willingly doing something that he knows is hurting you. That should speak volumes! Those who want to stop – DO! It is an addiction and unless he gets counseling and help he will continue and it will get worse. It does not get better. Do not be co-dependent. Look up information Dr. Phil has posted, it will be very helpful. ALso, you can go to pureintimacy.com
You must allow him the consequences for his behavior. Don’t enable him

January 30, 2008 at 11:44 pm
(23) Anonymous says:

Wow! I never realized how many women are out there experiencing similiar situations with their “significant others” use use and abuse of porn.
Married for almost 20 years I feel several of the same emotions about my husband getting “his needs met” solely via online porn. Almost any physical touch eg, hug or kiss is always initiated by me. Sadly, sometimes I count how many days go by before he’ll actually initiate a hug or kiss. He’ll reciprocate but I wonder why?? Yet in the same line he swears he loves me.
I have a question though. Has anyone had a “significant other”, married or not, use obesity or being self conscious as an excuse for lack of sexual intimacy?
You know just as I wrote that question it dawned on me that years ago he didn’t weigh as much and still used porn. At least back then we had some relations though. Hmm… maybe just another excuse??
Over the past 20 years I have gone out of my way to try and fullfill his “need”. Going as far as just taking care of him and walking away empty handed for a couple of years. Finally, I told him I feel like a whore not getting paid. So I stopped that too. Do you think he started to initiate intimacy?? Heck NO!! In the past 5 years I may have had sex 5 times–that is being generous.
I have expressed my desire for him to stop using porn because it hurts me at the core of my being and we have no relations at all. I even asked him recently (desperately/reluctantly) if he would watch one with me. He quickly responded with a NO. He says he won’t watch porn and soon enough I find some evidence of it. I am not sure of how much he watches because each time I catch him he gets more craftier at hiding it. It’s like I am grieving inside because although I love him he’s absent and not sharing his inner most part with me…just some porn star on the internet.
I used to work the 3rd shift up until about 5 years ago when I found out he had a fling with the girl he worked with. He worked 1st. I did it to help make ends meet and not pay a babysitter my paycheck. I did it for almost 10 years. After I found out about the fling a few months later he quit his job because he claimed “he couldn’t take it” and “she kept pursuing and he didn’t know how to handle it.” Then while he is unemployed he contacts her about 1-2 years later. I call home one night around 11:15 pm to tell him something and the phone is busy. He’s on the phone with her. Finally he ended it again but he didn’t want to tell her over the phone. So he invites her over for dinner to tell her it’s over. I wasn’t living with him at the time. Well that fiasco was about 5 years ago and I began working 1st shift. I thought working 1st would provide more opportunity but our sex life has just deteriorated more and more as the years pass.
Now that my kids are almost no longer dependents (meaning no child support) I am seriously considering divorce.
My final question has anyone gone through with a divorce over this situation and what suggestions/tips can they offer for me??
P.S. In case you’re wondering I have remained faithful through this mess.

Thanks for listening

June 13, 2008 at 5:45 pm
(24) John P. says:

Ok, looks like it’s time for me being a jerk.
First, as a short introduction – I’m a marriage counselor from Europe, relatively new to US. I’m a “bitter” type counselor. If you wonder, there are generally two types of marriage counselors – the “sweet” type who tells you how good you are, and what kind of assholes is everyone else, and the “bitter” type – like me – who tells you that everyone else is normal, and you should look more on yourself if you want to fix the problem. That’s what my position is based on, so if you have problems with this, please skip this post. Thank you.

Now, let me make it clear: masturbation is NORMAL physiologica process, widely popular in Nature. Studies prove that masturbation, unless extreme, is not addictive, and does not lead to any body function problem. A typical view of masturbation as something “wrong” is usually based on religion, and therefore is personal. This means that another person might not automatically share your beliefs, and this is something you two have to agree upfront.

Which leads us to the question why men in relationship masturbate. There are always a lot of reasons, but being a bitter type, I’ll start with the obvious one. Ladies, please answer honestly: when was the last time you went to gym? And if you do, did you work out there, or chit-chat with other ladies? Did your get “a couple” of extra pounds? Are you seriously trying to get rid of them, or you’re trying to find an excuse? When was the last time you actually wore a dress? Does your underwear include thongs and stockings, or just Catholic-schoolgirl type panties? Do you wear nice looking shoes, or you only have flip-flops and Tevas? Yes, I know, I know, those things are not comfortable, only sluts wear stockings (this was the funny one), you do not have time for gym, and so on. Gents and ladies, let me tell you one thing – a good marriage does not just “happen”, you must work to have it go smooth. The best marriages only work when both people actively working towards it. If you EXPECT your marriage to work just because it was what you were promised on wedding – you better consider divorce. It does not cost too much to keep yourself attractive, and at least it will improve your self-esteem if not sex life. The excuses are rare; we have been married for 15 years, and have three kids, and my wife still looks ten years younger. No, it’s not just genes. Everyone sooner or later will get fat eating fast food.

And now to the porn. In my experience porn rarely is a cause for any problems if it’s just used for masturbation. You’d be surprised if you know what things some people masturbate on, and porn is probably the most innocent of them. Your problem is basically that your partner masturbates instead of having sex with you, and usually the reason is one of following:
- Cleanliness. Gents, it’s mostly for you – socks and underwear should be changed at least once a day, and getting a shower as soon as you’re back from work is a good thing. Even if you don’t feel anything – we all are used to our own smell, you know it, “your shit doesn’t stink for you”. It does, however, for others, and is a HUGE turnoff. And shave, please, if you go down, it really hurts.
- Appearance. Maintaining your weight and going to gym at least two times a week – every week – is also good for your health.
- Dressing properly. Again – gents, your boxers and wifebeater combination may feel good for you, but please be honest: would you wear the same boxers and wifebeater on your date with a nice chick? No, you wouldn’t. Same for ladies.
- Availability. If you work different shifts, you will not have any sex life. Even on weekends, since one of you will feel sleepy. If your marriage worth more for you than your job – someone has to change the job.
- Attitude. If you live in a small apartment with roommates and your kids, it might be tough to find any time to have a nice wild sex without having the whole apartment complex complimenting you next day. Make yourself a date; go to a swing club (no, you don’t have to share your partner there), or if you’re too shy, rent a room in hotel.

There are more reasons, but my plane is about to take off so I have to shut down my laptop. Hope it’ll help someone. Thank for your time.

June 16, 2008 at 2:43 am
(25) Shanna says:

Im probably going to be hated on here but my husband and I have been together for many years- before we got together we both watched porn but hit it in the beginning because we didnt know what the other thought about it. In my opinion a husband looks at porn because there is something there he likes watching! aka he probably wants to try it- women should take a hint and watch with him. Watch a little then start warming him up.
A girl feeling threatened by a movie is horrible and is the womans fault. Her self esteem is down. Confidence is the key. My husband is also in the Navy and I saw him 10 days last year. Why am I not afraid hes cheating on me- confidence in our relationship and the trust we built together.

bottom line… If hes watching take a hint because theres a reason hes doing it.

June 20, 2008 at 9:51 pm
(26) Confused Husband says:

Lets see, where to start,(Me) I am late 40s, married. I started looking at Playboys/Penthouse magazines at age 14 and then Hustlers and adult movies at 16. My entire life I have always been a sexual person, but never a player, and in fact I was always the perpetual “nice guy”, (Today I can still pick up a phone and talk to my ex-girlfriends even after all these years) I say all that to get to this, I have masturbated all my life and don’t see it as something that needs to threaten a spouse. I feel it is something that is personal and intimate and something I do for me. It is a way for me take care of my own needs and thats all there is to it. I have a higher sex drive than my wife does so it makes sense for me, I use internet pornography as a visual only. I have always enjoyed and appreciated looking at women both their inner and outer beauty. I have never raped or abused or disrespected or treated any women or girlfriends badly in my life. I also have been a very curious person about many things so I had to venture down this arena eventually. In doing so, I find that the internet is a tool just like any other and can be used and abused as such. Internet pornography due to its ease of accessibility allows you the anonymity to be or do what ever you fantasize about, again a problem when abused by people with bad intentions. I think that the real problem stems from the spouses who feel they must always compete with anything that takes attention away from them and is put on something else. I think that this is same thing as any other type of activity that causes jealousy and hurt since it takes time away from their spouses. I realize too that there is misuse and if someone is overtly ignoring their spouses then they have deeper issues in their relationships.
I love my wife and go out of my way to take care of her needs. She does not like masturbation for herself, it simply does not work for her. She feels threatened and in her mind compares herself to what the women look like and what is her own self esteem issues. She doesn’t understand that its just a visual for me and not a threat. I know some will disagree with my next statement, if a couple wants to use pornography for mutual enjoyment and pleasure then thats up to them, however if either one of them is not comfortable, or is judgemental about it then they should stay away. Usually this is caused by past relationship issues, religion or abuse. I too am a soldier and was away from my wife for 4 years on and off. I have never even kissed another woman and won’t allow myself to get in any situation that leads to an affair. Just my opinions !

June 21, 2008 at 5:58 am
(27) Helene says:

My husband has started taking huge numbers of pictures of naked women, hundreds of pictures, different women. He has a photography studio and spends whole days there with models half my age. I’m devastated and even though he says he’ll stop, I can’t believe him anymore. We’ve been married 25 years and this hurts so much. He always chooses girls who he finds beautiful and intelligent, it’s worse then just a visual thing and that makes it harder to bear. I wish I was dead and out of this hell.

June 21, 2008 at 6:36 am
(28) Sheri says:

Helene,
It is very important that you talk to someone immediately and let them know you are feeling this way — someone who can talk to you right now. If you see a psychiatrist or a counselor, he or she is the person to call. A family member or friend is also a good choice.

If these options are not available to you, please call a suicide crisis hotline. In the United States, you can call 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255. Here is a web site that lists other hotline numbers in the U.S. and around the world:
http://hopeline.com/ries.asp

I am so sorry you are hurting right now. It is so difficult for those of us who are reading your post to know how to help you. We can’t see you or talk to you; we can only let you know that you are not alone, and that there are people in your life and available on hotlines who care about you and who can help you to work through this. Please reach out to them.

Sincerely,
Sheri
____________________________
Sheri and Bob Stritof
About.com Guides to Marriage
http://marriage.about.com
http://www.About.com
About.com is part of the New York Times Company

June 24, 2008 at 6:58 am
(29) bisi says:

ladies allow me to be blunt, i am sure some will be turned off by what i am about to say but its ok. the bible say HUSBAND love your WIFE AS CHRIST LOVE THE THE CHURCH THAT HE WAS WILLING TO DIE FOR HER. but most has rejected this christ and his words altogether. through love comes from God, our job is to build our relationship on this His love. sex will be remarkable and love his lasting, i have been married to my wife for 6 years and even if i an tempted to get into porn, i can’t because i am accountable to God and my lovely wife and yes my daugther too. we have built a society that is built on Christ-hate and selt indulgence and selfishness. its sad indeed. Women are to be loved not used. sadly in some ways we are part responsible for accepting less than what God intended for us. please teach your boys to love God and pray for your husbands and yourself to find Him-Christ.then we can win this fight. counsellors can’t help, cause they have the same struggle.but the love of God can.

July 2, 2008 at 4:09 pm
(30) John P. says:

Just my 2c:

Helene, did your husband just buy this studio? Or he has been owning it for ages, and it only recently became a problem? You obviously know that no matter where he works, there always will be some women half of your age; what exactly is wrong with his behavior?

Bisi, just wonder if you follow everything written in the Bible, or just couple of quotes? If you follow everything (which includes missionary style only, no oral sex, no sex while pregnant), your sex life should be quite boring. Anyway, the religion thing only works if this is something you two have agreed upfront. For the person who does not believe in God or Jesus or whatever, your arguments would be very weak. I personally would never teach my boy to love God since there is no evidence the God exists, so it’s not an option for everyone either.

July 2, 2008 at 4:19 pm
(31) Troubled says:

My husband watches porn on the internet until he is , I hate to be blunt but its really difficult to describe it, grossly over stimulated. His eyes get a glazed look, he gets really pale and looks like he is in a trance or stooper or something. Once he reaches this state, he comes to me, and at first it just seemed like he was suddenly “in the mood”, but more so than usual – there was an urgency to it. Foolish me, I had no idea at first it was from watching adult videos on the internet. Once I found out it stemmed from the video content and not an interest in me particularly, it made me feel so stupid.

I’m hurt, angry and I feel like I have been cheated on.

When I first found out about it, I confronted him about it. Since we are both 56 and have been married for 36 years, he blames it on age – he was “researching older women”, to help him learn more about older women and sex. Sure, some of the videos he watched were of older women, but many were not, so that was not necessarily a true statement.

He was supposed to be at an all day seminar the other day, and I came home early from work and found him in that grossly over stimulated state, watching and adult video on our computer. He was not even aware I came in the room for several seconds and when he finally noticed me he clicked it off real quick, thinking I didn’t see it. I was so upset, that I just left the room. Several minutes later, after he deleted the history, he came looking for me all gropey and grabby almost unable to control himself. It was disgusting and I was mortified.

There is no masturbation involved and he always ends up coming to me, and I just don’t want any parts of him at that point. Don’t get all worked up over somone else and come to me. Forget it.

Its beginning to drive a wedge between us. I haven’t said a word about this latest episode and have been kind of aloof. I just don’t want to get into it. I don’t want to hear the excuses anymore. He keeps asking if I’m okay – at first he sounded all concerned and interested in me, and as time goes by he’s sounding less as concerned.

Now, as far as our esteemed bitter marriage counseler, sure, many of us are not in the best of shape… BUT, many of our husband’s are not either. I dare say most of the women they are drooling over wouldn’t give them the time of day, so that out of shape thing goes for both in the relationship. Let’s get real here.

I have given my husband 40 years of my life. I stood by him through financial disasters and health problems. I have done my best to be as adventurous as I can be, to the point of me being uncomfortable, I have tolerated the nudey magazines, being dragged to strip clubs, renting stupid porn movies with their stupid titles and equally stupid music.

When is it ever enough? All it ever does is make me feel bad about myself, like I’m not enough or he feels like he is being cheated or missing out on something. Its really a troubling situation.

I took the vows for better or worse in sickness and health, and there was nothing about porn in the vows…

July 6, 2008 at 2:26 pm
(32) workinprogress says:

I have been with my husband for 8 years. He has always looked at porn, as have I. Even though I don’t generally see anything wrong with porn, it does depend greatly on how you use it withing your relationship.

In my situation, the only reason that it bothers me is that I feel like it’s being used in place of me. I know that there is no process that goes through my husband’s mind where he thinks it over then decides to go for porn instead of me. The opportunity is there and it seems like fun. I get that. I don’t care about that.

What I do care about is feeling neglected when it comes time for us to be together sexually. My husband has become lazy with sex, not really doing any of the work. It’s hard to feel like your husband is attracted to you when he isn’t interested in being active at all in bed. I’m a very sexual person. I’m open-minded, eager, and am a giver in bed. All I want is a little of the same given back to me. The fact that my husband is lazy in bed, even though he has a wife that is so interested in sex with him, even enjoys porn, etc. makes me feel horrible. It’s not that he enjoys porn that bothers me. It’s that he doesn’t seem to enjoy me as much/as often.

Talking hasn’t done much except get us into hurtful fights. We’ve tried taking baby steps, but they seem to be fogotten within about a week or so. I want a great sex life with the man that I married. I’ve watched porn with him, have suggested trying new things, and initiate sex, (or try to), all the time. I try not to judge him regarding porn because I know that it is a seperate thing. I just feel that he is putting too much energy in the wrong direction. I’d love to hear a man’s opinion on this. Maybe I’m just not understanding something basic about men’s views/feelings?

Ladies, try not to take it too personally if your husband enjoys porn. I know that’s hard sometimes, but it’s a lot more mindless than you think it is. There’s no harm in it as long as he still makes you feel wanted and you two can still share what you both enjoy.

July 6, 2008 at 5:07 pm
(33) sixyearsin says:

I’ve always maintained that porn is a problem if its preferred over the spouse. In the cases where the wife is outgoing in bed, has kept herself up, wears nice lingerie, and it still isn’t enough– its clearly the man’s problem in these situations.

However, more often than not things have gone cold for whatever reason. People change, mentally and physically. Pysical limitations can’t be avoided…we get old and things break down (both men and women). But, if you personally change, and certain things are beneath you now that you are a wife and you find yourself saying No more than Yes (to acts or general sex)–a plan B will come into play. There is a HUGE difference between not being able to do something and simply not doing it. Especially if you did it before. And if you didn’t like doing it before, you needed to speak up at the time. This goes for us guys too.

We’re all selfish to an extent. This may be oversimplifying things, but I wouldn’t expect my wife to starve because I’m not hungry, nor would I expect her to not find another option if I didn’t feel up to a task (washing her car, mowing the lawn, or talking to her). By the way, how many view sex as a chore? Even you don’t think you do, your actions speak louder than words…

July 7, 2008 at 6:32 pm
(34) lucy1023 says:

My husband and I have been married for 18 yrs, I recently discovered more than a doz port dvd’s in his briefcase, porn video arcade ‘cash’ cards, and more disturbingly this weekend on his pc, that he visited a website offering sexual acts with a couple in our town for a fee, in addition the number on the website on my husbands caller id on his cell. I am at a loss and repulsed, not sure if this is normal or if I can ever be with him, this isn’t something I can approach him about. Our sex life has lacked for several years due to various relationship issues, if I approach he will vehemently blame me and tell me if I was more of a wife he wouldn’t have to resort to this. Not sure what do to..advice?

July 9, 2008 at 9:55 am
(35) not lonely anymore says:

Lucy, it’s obvious your marriage is in trouble so you need to start thinking about what’s best for you. Your husband is obviously a very selfish man & he has no respect for you or your marriage. If your husband really loved you he would not be doing these things behind your back.

Do NOT allow him to manipulate you into believing it’s all your fault. This is NOT your fault!! This is pure selfishness on his part and nothing else. Let me ask you this, if you truly loved your husband would you have sex with other people behind his back? Of course you wouldn’t. Men like this do not deserve a loving wife! To every wife out there who is putting up with this, stop tolerating this bad behavior because it is disrespectful and shows a lack of disregard for you and and for your marriage. When you get married you have certain obligations to your partner. One of those obligations is a healthy and active sex life. If your marriage partner is not willing to meet those obligations for selfish reasons then you are under no obligation to stay married.

I chose to stay in my 20 years marriage to a selfish man who long ago chose porn over me. Why? Because I have two wonderful kids, a beautiful house and I have come to enjoy my comfortable lifestyle. Do I still love my husband? No. The only reason I tolerated his selfish behavior for the last several years was because I didn’t care anymore.

For years it broke my heart that my husband preferred porn & masturbation over a loving intimate relationship with me. Then one day I woke up and realized I was being played for a fool! I decided I deserved a whole lot better than what I was getting. Then one day I met a fine older gentleman who showed me the respect I deserved and who knew how to treat a woman right (Ladies, are you listening?) The more I got to know this man the more I realized how much I was missing. After a while I began to pursue a relationship with this man outside my marriage. Now I get all the love I need. If my husband doesn’t like it he knows he can leave anytime.

Ladies, you must stop tolerating this nonsense. If you don’t start demanding respect from your men they will continue to do the same thing. These men don’t care about anything or anyone else but themselves. Do not kid yourselves into thinking they will wake up one day and realize how much they love you and change. It won’t happen. Porn addiction is progressive. I read that married men who are addicted to porn actually prefer masturbating to porn over having sex with their own wives. It’s time you wives wised up and made a new plan that DOESN”T include him. Otherwise you will continue to feel miserable and depressed and then you will be no good to anybody.

Don’t you think you deserve better than this?

July 9, 2008 at 10:25 am
(36) notlonelyanymore says:

Has anyone noticed that porn addiction seems to be primarily a problem among men younger than 60? Could it be because the men of that generation were raised in an era when boys were taught by their fathers and grandfather to respect women and put them up on a pedestal? It must have been wonderful to be a woman back then.

We can all thank the Feminist Movement for the lack of respect towards women in our culture today. Just ask any man over 60 and he will tell you that the reason younger men do not respect women is because most “modern” women are not even worthy of respect. Most do not even respect themselves anymore.

Ladies, you don’t have to keep begging your husband for the love you deserve. There are plenty of fine older gentlemen who would be more than honored to be with you. Older men still know how to treat a woman right. Most of these guys would never even consider looking at porn because they consider it a cheap substitute for the real thing.

Take care…

July 11, 2008 at 5:35 pm
(37) elaina says:

Although I know that a lot of women are going through this, it is still difficult & painful. I had a talk with my husband a couple of years ago when I discovered a porn dvd in the living room. He said it was his brothers & blamed it on the fact that he had an ingrown hair down there, he feels terrible about his appearance & that he thinks that I’m too tired from work all the time. We’ve gone to the adult stores to get langerie, dvds, toys, etc. When I asked my husband which dvd to get, he acted all shy & not sure (well, he seems pretty darn sure when he’s getting click happy with the mouse!) I guess it wasn’t enough…I was defragmenting my computer earlier this week so I went on his to check my email, I had wanted create another tab & clicked on the history by accident. There it was, he’s been hitting it every day/every other day. I was so upset. He’s noticed that I’ve been upset so I told him that I feel like he doesn’t want to have sex with me & he said, “That’s not true.” But then I cam home from work & I just couldn’t resist, so I checked the history tab & there it is again! We had our “talk” & then he waited until I went to work to wack off again on the computer!!! I know I need to see help because I have self-esteem issues connected with father issues & past childhood issues of people calling me fat. & he knows that him watching porn would bother me because I have intense jealousy issues (yes, I am getting help for that too) & because we’ve talked about this before. He usually gets really defensive. I don’t want to argue with him about it, I know it’s “normal” & that “men are visual creatures” & that he loves me. But THIS HURTS SOOOOO BAD!!!!!

July 12, 2008 at 3:37 pm
(38) notlonelyanymore says:

Elaina my friend, there is nothing wrong with you! I’m sure you are very beautiful in your own way, but your man cannot see that because he is too enthralled with the filthy airbrushed images of “hot babes” he’s been looking at (and obviously masturbating to)to notice your loveliness. By the way, in case your man has convinced otherwase, it is VERY normal to feel jealous when the man you love loves anything or anyone else (in this case, porn) more than he loves you. I’m sure he would feel the same way if your attention were leswhere.

I know the pain and the agony of not feeling “good enough” to please your man as I have lived through it for the past 20 years, but please don’t think this is normal behavior for all men. Yes, men are visual creatures but not all men enjoy looking at porn. Decent, respectable men find porn just as offensive as we do. Maybe it’s time you ask yourself, as I did, “Why am I tolerating this behavior?”

You mentioned past “self-esteem” issues and people calling you fat. My husband called me fat too, and I was 18 years old and only weighed 130 lbs. Did I mention he too had a porn addiction? Hmmm…

My lover does not look any kind of porn and even though I weight quite a bit more than I did at 18, he still thinks I’m beautiful and tells me so every day. He says I remind him of Marilyn Monroe. Of course I know I need to lose weight but at least now I don’t obsess about it anymore like I used to. Maybe the only weight you really need to lose is your husband. Just a thought….

July 16, 2008 at 11:26 am
(39) Bink says:

This thread is both informative and frustrating. Virtually the entire thread is either bible-thumping evangelicals playing the “God will smite you down” card, or angry wives who just “have no idea” why their man looks at porn.

And while I do believe that porn can be a destructive force in any relationship, before you pre-judge, try this on for size folks. I’m a man…and other than a few VERY SPECIFIC instances for the express purpose of making a baby the last 3 years, my wife hasn’t initiated or suggested sex as a purely pleasurable, recreational activity in over TEN YEARS.

Think about that for a moment. Let it sink in real good. A DECADE without my wife coming to me, when I’m just sittin’ there minding my own business, or waking up and rolling over on top or me, or WHATEVER the scenario might be, and saying, “I gotta get me some!” Not once. Not ever. Period.

And I’m 40. She’s 38. We’re still relatively young, relatively attractive, relatively fit individuals. We’re not 70- or 80-somethings with semi-functioning parts and the natural, age-based diminishing libidos.

Yeah we have a kid. Yeah we have full-time jobs. Yeah we’re busy.

But you would think once…JUST ONCE in TEN YEARS she’d come to me and want some action. But no…the only time we have any kind of sexual intimacy is when I suggest it. And while she occasionally agrees to my overtures, and while she does achieve obvious pleasure from it, she also tends more often than not to look at it as something of a chore…more akin to doing the laundry or taking out the garbage. I can only imagine her thought process being something like, “Sex? Oh, alright. I guess I have to.”

We’ve talked about it at length. She has no obvious explanation for why she does not want sex more or why she literally NEVER initiates it with me. But at the end of the day, explanation or not, the fact remains that she simply has no interest or drive to make it happen.

So while you’re all whining about “boo-hoo, my man doesn’t want me anymore!” remember, that there are two sides to every coin.

As I see it, my options are these:

Just accept that I’m going to basically go virtually without sex for the rest of my life (researchers say that any married couple that has sex 10 times or less per year = an offically sexless marriage).

Go to a prostitute or have some other sort of extra-marital affair.

Get a divorce.

Watch porn.

So with that as the backdrop…is porn really all that evil in the grand scheme? Still think porn is the worst possible of all the various option?

Yeah…I didn’t think so.

July 16, 2008 at 11:30 pm
(40) tink says:

Ok, for Bink, your situation seems to be different from most of what I’ve read. So I’m not even going to address your situation. As for the rest. I am a Christian woman, married to a man who is a deacon in our church. But religion aside. The porn is not only wrong and hurtful for most of these women, but also very, very disrespectful. If you are seeking out porn on the internet, even tho you know it hurts your spouse, then you are telling them that you don’t respect them enough to stop. Adultery comes in many forms. I have been married for 17yrs to the most wonderful man I have ever known. We lost our first child. We since had 2 more children, both girls. Our oldest daughter has CP and has gone through so many medical procedures and surgeries, it would make your head spin. So to say the least, yes, I stay exhausted. Both physically and mentally. I cannot keep up with all the housework, yard work, medical appts, of which are numerous. Work a public job in the school system. Try to be everything to everyone, with virtually no help at all from my husband, and still be bright eyed and bushy tailed for sex all the time. I love my husband deeply, and we do have sex quite often. I am the one that is constantly begging him to tell me what he wants, or something he may have always wanted to try, etc, only to always hear, I don’t know. Like I said, my husband is a deacon in our church and we dated for 7 yrs before marriage, and I never thought I would catch my husband looking at porn on the internet. Not only was it porn, but in chat rooms and such where there COULD be interaction. To me, that is way worse than watching porn on tv. Men, how would you react, if your woman looked at you and said you don’t have what it takes to satisfy me, I need something more.Well…..that is what you are saying to your woman every time you look at another woman’s naked body on the internet or otherwise. And to Mr. anti- religion, it has nothing to do with religion, but respect for another person’s feelings. And if that person happens to be the person you vowed to love honor and cherish forsaking all others then it should be of that much more of an importance.

July 17, 2008 at 5:11 am
(41) mrvgl says:

I may be single but I believe that it all comes down to understanding and compromise. Sit down and set the limits.

Remember though, that when it comes to sex, men in general prefer visual stimulation of the sexual appetite. Women, on the other hand, like to imagine or create a fantasy about sex. Porn pictures and videos mostly cater to men. Erotica and books describing sexual actions are directed towards feminine tastes. I wouldn’t be surprised if some wives store their stash of Erica Jongs somewhere in the house. They may say it isn’t porn but it is for me. Should we limit those trips to the bookstore as well?

Are we cheating when we view porn? That depends. Do we fantasize about Briana Banks more than we do of you? Then probably, yes. Stop us, it has become an addiction. But, if we see porn and forget all about it.(Briana who?). Then it was just a passing urge. Loyal men do watch porn too. Be suspicious if he doesn’t or seems too perfect; it may be the real deal. He has to get off sometime when you’re unavailable for loooong periods.
Porn could defuse a dangerous urge to have an affair when the sexual excitement runs dry. If your wife really objects to it, have her agree to have you take her pictures instead. She won’t feel cheated, you better deal with the objectifying part however. good luck.

July 17, 2008 at 10:00 am
(42) Dan says:

I’m in my second marriage. My first one ended over my wife devoting more time to her parents than me. Even so, we had a very satisfying sex life. Of course, sex isn’t everything in a marriage as my statement indicates. The point is, I had no interest in porn as I was living a sex life most men would envy. We weren’t all that fit but we were active…alot. Fast forward to today. My present wife is totally unavailable sexually. She treats it like a chore, tries to hurry me and then has nothing else to do with me. (Gee, sound familiar guys?) It has been this way since we married. One point during our marriage, my Diabetes rendered me impotent. I would lose my erection during sex. Guess what I was accused of? Losing interest in her. She said she felt (ladies-think, don’t feel)I was no longer attracted to her. What a crock! Now I’m able to engage in sex due to getting an implant device. Now she tells me she’s not attracted to me. Owing to us having less sex than the level indicating a sexless marriage, I got frustrated and turned to porn while satisfying myself. Long story short, I got caught. Of course, it’s all MY fault. I also got the psycho-babble about “objectifying” women. She’s talking divorce and frankly, I’m ready to give her one. It’s sad to think my wife could make me miss my ex. It’s equally sad to think this is a predominantly American problem. Yes ladies, it’s true. The rest of the worlds women looks at you and wonder why you’re all so screwed up and look at us men and wonder how we got so whipped. John P., I wish I could have you as my counselor to sit with my wife and I. You don’t practice in Utah by chance do you?

July 17, 2008 at 10:55 am
(43) notlonelyanymore says:

Dan, do you want to know why American women are so screwed up and American men are so whipped? One word…. Feminisn. Check out http://www.henrymakow.com

P.S. I know how yoy feel. I lived this way for 15 long, frustrating years. But rather than sit around feeling sorry for myself, I found a solution to my problem… one that did not involve porn, romance novels or other forms of fantasy… I pursued a relationship with another human being. An UNSELFISH human being who actually considers it a PRIVILEGE to be with me. If your wife is selfish and unwilling to GIVE, maybe you should give her the boot and find someone else who is willing, like I did. Life is too short. You deserve to be happy just like everyone else. Make it happen. Just a thought…

July 17, 2008 at 2:36 pm
(44) Diana says:

To the men that take the ” women when is the last time you went to the gym” attitude. You might be “buffed”, but the majority of men, particulary husbands are not. I like looking good all the time, can’t same the same for most of the guys I’ve dated. After a few months, they think they have you were they want you, then they relax…i.e. smelly feet, bad breath, unshaven, not to mention how many guys are in denial about blading, their hairy backs and beer gut spare tire. What hypocrites men are. Take inventory in the mirror? And ladies, ever take a look at some of those guys in porn…Hot stuff…Bet your husband can’t “measure-up” like that. Turn the tables. Give em taste of their owm medicine. Take a look, there is something out there for the hetero-female to enjoy too…and if you can’t find it one the web, go out and look for it for real…After all, would you be any less miserable than you are now?

July 17, 2008 at 3:44 pm
(45) tr says:

I’m a woman, married to only 1 man for 22 years.

Get a life, gals! Porn is only competition with you if you make it that. You really are holding to an irrational belief if you think your husband can and should look only at your body for the rest of your lives. I don’t care what he just looked at as long as he’s having sex with ME. My husband is now 60, so a little no-cost porn is a frugal person’s Viagra. I plan to continue having a satisfying sex life with my husband, till death us do part. If a little porn is what is needed to keep him perky, that’s fine by me.

Am I jealous of the women? Nope – it’s not like he’ll ever meet any of them! Does porn make him more likely to cheat? Only if I treated him like his mother instead of his wife and made him sneak around to view porn.

July 17, 2008 at 6:33 pm
(46) Wow says:

Wow,
It’s interesting that something that can be a problem for so many is for others a fun activity
We find the opposite sex attractive, The reason for this is to procreate. What do we find appealing about the opposite sex before we even meet someone? Well we like the physical attributes, whether its breasts hips, the curve of a women’s back, the biceps of a man, the color of the hair etc. This is what first attracts us to someone long before we get to know them.
Physical attraction is the reason their are billions of us in the world. This attraction to the physique of others does not end when we say “I DO”.

It follows then that it is PERFECTLY NATURAL to continue to be attracted to or be aroused by the opposite sex. Since most men are not going to go outside the marriage to satisfy these natural urges, Porn is not only a very reasonable outlet but a completely understandable and responsible one.

My wife and I will watch an adult movie once every couple of months. It serves to excite the both of us and then we can excite each other.

To deny that we have natural urges that were there long before we were married serves no purpose. I’ve seen my wife look at other men. Everyone else in the world did not turn ugly the day we married.
To answer the concerns of a few women here, No man I know is dreaming about the gal in an adult movie and comparing her to his wife.

Many of our friends watch porn from time to time. We will occasionally joke about it or make reference to it. No wife that I know responds in disgust, outrage or shame.

I feel bad for some of the women here. I really think it’s a sign of deeper issues. You are making it into something much greater than it is. It is simply nature taking it’s coarse.

Human beings seek out gratification and porn is nothing but an accessory to sex, or a means to an end. It’s not a substitution.
Frankly, Masturbation watching porn is not nearly as fun as watching porn with my wife. The fact that she is getting excited watching it is at makes the experience 10 times better.

July 17, 2008 at 8:12 pm
(47) Cassie says:

Wow. So many thoughts… First off, masturbation is completely normal and folks who think otherwise might want to deal with their own issues with their bodies/sex. People do plenty of things to get a rush – ride roller coasters, go skiing, hit the casinos, etc. Our bodies are natural and the things they do are natural.

I think there are two issues with porn. I believe some men do get addicted to it and it impacts their relationship because they are no longer there for the partner. But I think the bigger issue is that it makes a lot of women insecure, they start throwing around ultimatums and men start sneaking around because they enjoy watching it. In this case, porn is becoming an issue because you’re making it an issue. And honestly, men don’t want to be with insecure, clingy women. It’s a turn off.

My other thought is that men and women are different. For women, sex is generally a very emotional thing. It’s not the same for guys. It’s much more physical. I think the couples who are having issues need to be a bit more generous with each other. Women need to understand that watching porn/masturbating doesn’t have to be a reflection on their marriage, sex life or anything else. Making your husband give it up could be like saying you can never have chocolate or ice cream again. Would you sneak around to have a treat? Probably. And I honestly believe that for most guys, porn is no more serious than that, which is why they don’t get why women get so upset. On the other hand, guys need to know that it IS a big deal for their wives and imagine how they’d feel if we were making out with another guy because that’s how it feels for a lot of women.

My husband watches porn and I occasionally do as well. Sometimes we watch together. I know my husband is attracted to me and loves me, so I’m not obsessing about who or what he’s thinking about. He’s with me, he doesn’t need to lie or sneak around, and we’re good. I am fortunate to not have been raised to believe that sex between consenting adults is somehow dirty or evil.

It’s not porn that tears marriages apart. It’s different values, boredom, lack of communication, lack of compassion for the other person and/or some serious self-esteem issues in at least one of the people in the relationship. Arguments over porn are just a symptom of deeper issues.

July 19, 2008 at 7:55 pm
(48) Tara says:

My husband watches porn but unlike alot of what i have read from both the men and the women i do want sex just as much as he does. IF NOT MORE. im not a feind by any means but we do have a healthy sex life. so it came as a shock when i found out he’d been watching it for years. and he denied it when i asked him the first time. i am not overweight i have a good body and i am pretty open to try new things. So why would my husband want to watch porn even though he knows how much it hurts my feelings and how i feel about it being discusting and wrong?

July 21, 2008 at 3:25 am
(49) yourgrace says:

To John P.

I find your comments totally insensitive. My husband looks at porn all the time. He is overweight and admits it. I am into working out–not chatting at the gym. I run 5 miles a day & lift weights. I have a decent body. I am approached by other men–I don’t want other men–I want my husband. Unlike you-in reference to women, I don’t care that he is overweight-I want my husband. I have tried to spice up our bedroom– sex toys and sexy lingerie–thongs, crotchless panties. We still only have sex together about twice a month. I have even suggested watching porn with him. We have done it a few times, but even then he has touble maintaining an erection. It really scares me that you are a counselor and makes me feel like I shouldn’t consider counseling.

July 21, 2008 at 10:06 pm
(50) vince says:

Women who say they have no problem with their husband’s use of pornography are the exception, not the rule. Statistics show that most women find pornography extremely offensive and demeaning, and that pornography is detrimental to marital relationships.

A recent study indicated that porn addiction is the #1 reason for divorce in America today.

A woman’s objection to the use of pornography has nothing to do with low self-esteem or insecurity issues. In fact, it suggests just the opposite: a woman with a high level of self-respect is more likely to object to porn use than a women with low self-esteem or low moral character.

Pornography addiction has become virtually epidemic in society today, with 3 out of 4 American men regularly viewing internet porn. Even among evangelical Christians, pornography addiction is rampant, with 1 out of every 2 Christian men admitting to viewing internet porn on a regular basis.

Recent statistics show that today 75% of all divorces are iniatiated by women. In a vast majority of these divorces, pornography addiction was cited as the reason for the destruction of the the relationship.

Married couples who think pornography will “spice up” their sex life or enhance their marital relationship are being bamboozled by the porn industry. Studies prove that regular viewing of pornography is destructive to marital relationships and leads to one or both partners becoming dissatisfied with their current sexual relationship.

Pornography was not created to be used by loving partners in a committed relationship. It was created by a Luciferian sex cult to destabilize society and destroy the family unit by breaking up marriages and promoting promiscuity and homosexuality.

For more information on the destructive effects of pornography, read the article “Why All Porn Is Gay” at http://www.henrymakow.com.

July 25, 2008 at 6:27 pm
(51) Suzanna says:

I recently came across an article entitled, “Should Wives Be Porn Police?” by Rabbi Boteach. The following comments are excerpts from the article:

“When I’ve asked wives how they feel about their husbands looking at pornographic material, I’ve heard an astonishing range of answers. There are those who are quick to assert how “cool” they are with it and even claim to join in the viewing; and there are those who are utterly horrified but feel they have no right to object to their husband’s adult behavior. But women must wake up to the fact that they do have a right to nip this behavior in the bud.”

“Pornography is destructive not only because it is insulting to one’s wife, but because it takes one’s erotic focus away from one’s spouse. In this respect, the principal harm it inflicts is not radically different from adultery. When infidelity occurs, it destroys the marriage not only by causing hurt and humiliation, but by starving the marriage of attention, affection, and effort. The hurt that a husband causes his wife by being unfaithful is not, in itself, the deal-breaker in their marriage. The wives whom I have counseled through a husband’s infidelity are prepared to forgive him if they love him. The real deal-breaker is the fact that the wife is no longer the focal point of his sexual and romantic energies. When husbands and wives are not wholly focused on one another as the means of finding erotic excitement, they begin to drift apart.”

“Initially, men believe that a little peek at another woman’s nudity is a harmless means of generating some excitement and certainly nothing as significant as an actual act of infidelity. But these “harmless” leers are the first symptoms of neglect.”

“There are so many ways in which pornography undermines healthy relationships. Excessive exposure to a variety of nude, female bodies contributes to the penchant for men to think about other women while making love to their wives. Indeed, 84 percent of men admit to doing just that (and they’re dumb enough to believe that their wives don’t notice). We can even go so far as to say that once you bring another woman into your bed, even if only mentally, you are practicing a form of mental infidelity and merely using your wife’s body for friction. I call it mental decapitation.”

“The Torah, which is very concerned with fostering the mental and emotional intimacy that physical intimacy is meant to promote, actually calls men to task by deeming it a prohibition for a man to fantasize about other women while in bed with his wife.”

“Unfortunately women today are so brainwashed into being manly and tough that few will admit to being pained at the notion that their significant other would be dreaming of another woman during their intimate moments. But fantasizing about another woman is a degrading act. It indicates that one’s wife is not worthy or thrilling enough on her own. Most men tell me that it is unrealistic not to sometimes think about other women during sex with one’s wife. Perhaps that is so. But there is no excuse not to resist it.”

“Furthermore, pornography desensitizes men to the female body. Instead of being automatically drawn to a woman as he should be, today’s man has seen too much to ever lose himself completely upon being exposed to a woman’s nakedness. The nature of erotic attraction, which should bring men and women together, has been utterly compromised, and neither sex is above evaluating the other according to the most stringent criteria. This impairs our ability to build deep relationships.”

“Sexual intimacy is meant to bring a couple together on emotional and mental levels. Once a man feels removed enough to judge his wife by comparing her with other women, he loses some of his excitement for her and mistakenly believes that a more perfectly formed woman would provide him with the physical titillation that he craves.”

“The irony lies in the fact that a real woman is infinitely more exciting than the manufactured images that attract the consumers of pornography. Rather than being a one-dimensional experience, interacting and allowing oneself to be aroused by a live partner–despite her apparent physical flaws–is ever-changing and therefore consistently exciting. Ultimately then, pornography deadens a man’s attraction for his partner, which in turn deadens his ability to have healthy and sustainable passionate relationships.”

“The truly unfortunate element in the prevalence of pornography today is actually the acceptance that so many women silently or overtly provide by refusing to demand that their husbands (or serious boyfriends) turn off the computer and turn them on instead!”

“Once upon a time, women were seen as and treated as man’s superior. Today, women have leapt off of their pedestal to say that they are equal to men. When we hear of women accompanying their partners to strip clubs, we see why men no longer feel they have to make themselves worthy of such a sidekick. You can’t convince me that women are actually enjoying the array of bras and G-strings while swigging back beers with the boys.”

“In her efforts to get closer to man, woman has lost her own uniquely feminine attributes, at a great cost to both genders. What happened to being a gentleman? Why isn’t the party line that a man doesn’t look at another woman because he doesn’t need to and has too much respect for his wife to ever degrade her by making such a comparison? Why not? Simply put, because women today no longer require their men to be gentlemen.”

“When I’ve asked women about why they don’t insist that their husbands turn off the cable smut or throw out the dirty magazines, the answers I receive fall resoundingly into two basic categories. The first is that many women believe that they have no right to determine what their husbands see or, especially, what they think. The second is a desire not to appear insecure, petty, or nagging. Yet it’s not petty to demand that your husband be with you and you alone when you are in bed together. It’s not nagging to show your hurt, your vulnerability.”

“How far we have sunk in our expectations of marriage and commitment! Once upon a time it was not politically incorrect to think of a husband and wife as belonging to one another. Today we are conditioned to think that independence is the be-all-and-end-all, and to be possessive is seen as an a priori sign of insecurity. Husbands and wives see each other as independent creatures who happened to be joined by the institution of marriage.”

“The staggering divorce rate is a symptom of this unfortunate conditioning. It’s easy to sever a bond that wasn’t that strong in the first place. But if you belong to one another, then you have a right to make demands of exclusivity in thought, speech, and action and to freely express that an action or behavior hurts you and to expect that your spouse, whose number-one concern is your happiness, to amend the hurtful behavior. When two people belong to one another, there is nothing they won’t do to protect that bond.”

“We should never hesitate to insist that our needs be met by our husband or wife. Remember, you are not only married in body, but also in mind, heart and soul.”

Wives have a right, indeed an obligation, to police their husbands from going into the gutter to get excitement. Miss November and her fellow playmates are women like all others. One day they’ll marry and they’ll be just as hurt and insulted if their husbands turn to strangers for excitement

July 28, 2008 at 2:59 am
(52) Amy says:

I think that for every woman this topic effects them differently. Some truly are fine with it, some will join in and some are totally against it. I am in the totally against it group. For me personally, I feel like I am being cheated on. I read some of the comments above from the men that their wives are not into sex with them. That is the not the case with me. My husband is not into it. He is only into porn. I just had a baby a few months ago and it has come to a complete stop since just prior to my delivery. Part of me thinks my husband is jealous of my son because someone is taking his attention but I don’t know what to do. I may be okay with the porn thing if I truly was disinterested in sex but that is not the case. And he does not want to talk to me about it. Any suggestions? PS, I have only been married a year and a half and if this is not resolved I feel my marriage cannot continue. It is just causing too many issues.

July 28, 2008 at 6:51 pm
(53) John P. says:

Got a couple of minutes to reply.

yourgrace, I’m not hosting a counseling session here. I’m just a reader like you, and expressing my personal opinion based on my experience. You might like it or not, it’s up to you. And by the way, thong or short skirt is only considered a “sexy lingerie” in US. In Europe it’s a casual a lot of girls wear when they go to office. Look in some European magazines to get an idea of really sexy lingerie, and stay away from Victoria Secrets.

Diana, the problem in your logic is that you somehow assume that if a man gets a bald hair and a beer belly he automatically should lower his standards for ladies, and should not complain about his fat wife either. This does not work. They go to Thailand instead, and getting something MUCH better looking that anything they could ever get in US. It happens much often than you think.

notlonelyanymore, it looks right to me that a lot of relationship problems in America are the result of the feminism movement. Funny, but in 1960s a “feminist bitch” was a very strong language. Now it is part of everyday language, and it seems like it does not offend vast majority of people. I would even go further and say that women were much more respected before the movement, being respected by default while other men had to constantly prove they deserve respect. Now the equal rights led to equal responsibilities, and women nowadays also have to constantly prove they deserve respect – and this is not easy.

I have a friend who has always said that he would never marry an American woman – too high maintenance. He just married a Thai girl though.

July 29, 2008 at 7:50 pm
(54) John P. says:

More thoughts on the subject.

First, despite what some readers say, porn and marriage is not a widespread problem. Even here, this article comes first in Google search results by “marriage porn”, and there are only 50 comments during almost two years. If you claiming it to be a “leading case” for divorces, please check your references.

Second, unlike cheating, gambling and drinking, porn does not affect a stable, non-problematic marriage. According to adult consumer surveys, there are a lot of families who watch porn together. Larry Flint in “Sex, lies and politics” mentioned that about 49% of porn buyers are women. Thus it is widespread, but only few marriages are affected. And in my practice porn is usually just yet another thing to blame if something goes wrong. Porn seems to be no issue for a happy marriage, where a woman does not have any self-esteem problem, and sex often enough.

Third, yet another proof that the best way to ruin your marriage (and in some cases your life) is to listen to your girlfriends instead of using your own brain or getting professional help. A typical scenario here – a woman has a problem with husbands who watch porn. What kind of advice she gets from her (usually single) girlfriends?

One example, they will tell her to “communicate the problem”, meaning she needs to tell her husband “it hurts her and he must stop it”. She is rarely – if ever – advised to ask why it happened, and think outside the “it hurts me” pattern. Obviously it does not work this way, as it is no different that her husband telling her that watching chick flicks hurts him, and she must stop it. To solve the problem we need to find out first why the problem is there, and then find a solution. If any problem was resolved just by telling someone not to do it because it hurts your feeling, we would live in a perfect world. You’ll need to do better than that.

Second example, they’ll tell her to dump this a..hole and “find a better man who will respect you”. This is a typical advice given to a lady who has a pretty short relationship. What she is told is basically that “it is not your responsibility to work out your relationship, you are perfect and could do nothing, you just need to find someone who will care of everything in your relationship”. So she dumps him, finds a new one who seems to “respect her”, and – surprise – another (usually worse) problem comes up again. And obviously she dumps him as well. After a couple of such dumps we got a person in depression, chronically incapable to maintain any relationship, and blames the world (usually the men) for her problems.

Please, gents and ladies, if you have a problem, discuss it constructively. Ask for a professional help if necessary. Make sure your discussion is like “why does it appear, and what should we do if anything?”, not “look how bad I feel because you are doing it”. And run through a checklist first – if you could guess why it happened just by looking in the mirror, you don’t need even start this discussion until you make your own plan about fixing this issue. Again, it is very easy to find an excuse, or even turn the blame to your husband (just see some posts above) – but it will not help solving you problem. Work on it – at least you will get some experience. At best, you will fix it.

July 31, 2008 at 11:47 pm
(55) jamesL says:

Wow… there are some ladies who are really hurting here. Don’t give up on your husband, please. He is part to blame, but also part victim of the porn industry. They know exactly what they’re doing and how to get people addicted to this behavior. It is an addiction, some say as strong and hard to beat as a cocaine addiction. In this case, the drug is relatively free, there are no hangovers or obvious signs of abuse, and brings intense feelings of pleasure. However, most guys have much shame about this as well. They want help. They want to be in control, not be “hooked” on anything. Majority will almost always rather be with their wives than masturbating. Most guys have higher sex drive and “need” to orgasm 4-5 times a week, some more some less, than the wife is interested in providing. Plus, guys don’t always want to go through the relationship and time involved, just want a quick “fix”.
The problem here is two-fold.
1. First is the porn dependency for masturbation. That needs to be broken. The wife needs to accept the husbands sexual makeup: He is visually oriented and stimulated. He is interested in all women, especially beautiful ones, its nothing personal; (probably a fixation from loving your Mom when you’re a baby, or from creation; he just looks for the kicks it produces, not so he can wish he was someone else, in any real way. It is FANTASY. Women usually have fantasies too. They have them in their head; in their stories with their friends; in the soap operas and magazine articles and romantic novels. Ladies want a storyline; guys want erotic variety. I think the sexes are just hardwired differently.
2. Second problem here is the lack of communciation about this before and during the marriage. People often want their privacy when doing private things, however the guys need to realize that secrecy makes you look guilty of more than what is going on (hopefully). So, the guys need to open up to their spouses; be willing to give up the porn for a time, try to just use your imagination. Ladies, try to find some soft-core porn perhaps more oriented to ladies that you can watch together. Masturbate with him and cuddle. This might be difficult at first, but if you can get your feelings calmed down, and relax you might find new types of pleasure and save your marriage too.
Hope this helps someone. I learned too late.

August 1, 2008 at 6:45 am
(56) suzanna says:

Here are some porn statistics:

According to Time Magazine, divorce lawyers at the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported that Internet pornography played a significant role in more than half their divorce cases.

A 2003 TCU study showed that men who view pornography frequently have more discriminatory views of women than men who do not view pornography.

According to a 1988 article in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology, pornography leads to lowered sexual satisfaction. Those who regularly view porn are likely to have trouble separating reality from fantasy.

As of 2003, there were 1.3 million pornographic websites; 260 million pages (N2H2, 2003).

The total porn industry profit: estimates from $4 billion to $10 billion (National Research Council Report, 2002); Total U.S. revenue (2005): $12.6 billion (Adult Video News).

More than 70% of men from 18 to 34 regularly visit pornographic websites in a typical month. (comScore Media Metrix).

More than 20,000 images of child pornography are posted online every week (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, 10/8/03).

Approximately 20% of all Internet pornography involves children (National Center for Mission & Exploited Children).

100,000 websites offer illegal child pornography (U.S. Customs Service estimate).

As of December 2005, child pornography was a $3 billion annual industry (internet-filter-review.com).

At a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in the divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases. Pornography had an almost non-existent role in divorce just seven or eight years ago.

A 1996 Promise Keepers survey at one of their stadium events revealed that over 50% of the men in attendance were involved with pornography within one week of attending the event.

51% of pastors say cyber-porn is a possible temptation. 37% say it is a current struggle (Christianity Today, Leadership Survey, 12/2001).

Over half of evangelical pastors admit viewing pornography last year.

Roger Charman of Focus on the Family’s Pastoral Ministries reports that approximately 20% of the calls received on their Pastoral Care Line are for help with issues such as pornography and compulsive sexual behavior.

In a 2000 Christianity Today survey, 33% of clergy admitted to having visited a sexually explicit Web site. Of those who had visited a porn site, 53% had visited such sites ďa few timesĒ in the past year, and 18% visit sexually explicit sites between a couple of times a month and more than once a week.

29% of born again adults in the U.S. feel it is morally acceptable to view movies with explicit sexual behavior (The Barna Group).

57% of pastors say that addiction to pornography is the most sexually damaging issue to their congregation (Christians and Sex Leadership Journal Survey, March 2005).

47% percent of families said pornography is a problem in their home (Focus on the Family Poll, October 1, 2003).

The Internet was a significant factor in 2 out of 3 divorces, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers in 2003. (Divorcewizards.com)

9 out of 10 children between the ages of 8 and 16 have viewed pornography on the Internet, in most cases unintentionally (London School of Economics January 2002).

Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography: 11 years old (internet-filter-review.com).

Largest consumer of Internet pornography: 12 Ė17 year-old age group (internet-filter-review.com).

Adult industry says traffic is 20-30% children (NRC Report 2002, 3.3).

“Never before in the history of telecommunications media in the United States has so much indecent (and obscene) material been so easily accessible by so many minors in so many American homes with so few restrictions.” — U.S. Department of Justice, Post Hearing Memorandum of Points and Authorities, at l, ACLU v. Reno, 929 F. Supp. 824 (1996).

August 1, 2008 at 9:40 pm
(57) John P. says:

What a nice combination of incompetent, irrelevant and biased stuff.

First, let’s filter out stuff which is irrelevant. Usually it’s people opinion, and not facts. Here go pastors who say pornography is “bad”, porn industry profits, and how regularly some men view pornography. All this stuff is completely irrelevant to the discussed topic. It’s here just because you copypasted the whole text without ever reading it. Check it next time.

Second, biased stuff. Here goes TCU, internet-filter-review.com and so on. If you don’t know, TCU states for “Texas Christian University”, and internet-filter-review.com is a web site which sells software for parental control, making money out of it. As you see, neither of those “sources” could ever be considered unbiased by any reasonable researcher. Which tells us a lot about the quality of this “research”.

And third, the stuff which is relevant and not obviously biased, but still not true. Here we need to use some brain activity. Look on those two claims more carefully:

1. Pornography is claimed to be significant role in divorce now, and was almost non-existent in divorce just seven or eight years ago.. Now if you check Census, it will tell you that divorce rate did not change significantly from year 2000 (which is 8 years ago). What does it tell us? That according to the same source pornography did not affect divorce _rate_. This is just yet another thing people who can’t maintain relationship blame for THEIR problems. As you see above, they also blame Internet as well; I wonder if they blame cell phones.

2. 47% percent of families said pornography is a problem in their home. There is no details, so it’s hard to estimate the relevance here. For example, one could set up a call-in for families who have problems with porn, and would easily get the “100% of families said pornography is a problem in their home”. Another thing to know, people rarely call in just to say they are happy and have no problems; usually the ones who do call have some problems to share, or need an advice. We call it “complain line effect” – choose a product of great quality, and spend an hour in their complain/customer support center. You’ll quickly learn the product is the worst ever made. But does it mean so? No, since you do not have a representative selection.

3. Quoted “a 1988 article in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology”. Published article is not a study. What you need to know is that article – unlike study – in most cases is just a personal opinion, which may be based on solid evidence, or not based on anything at all. There are no cross-checks. Anyone could publish an article explaining that watching chick flicks increases the probability of insomnia, and negatively affects self-esteem, and it most likely will get published. Another question, of course, is whether such article exists, and whether it says what it allegedly supposed to say, which also needs to be checked.

As you see, the whole suzanne post is just a baloney. By the way, suzanne, please next time add a link to the original. I doubt the /original/ author will enforce copyright law against you, but at least you would look more intelligent. Don’t be a copy-and-paste monkey.

August 1, 2008 at 11:22 pm
(58) jennie says:

Why does it have to hurt so bad? I know all of the “facts”. Men are visual, it’s not personal, it’s just fantasy…but you know what…it hurts. It feels like someone reached in and is keeping my heart from beating. I want it to stop hurting, but it just won’t. I now find that I don’t trust him about anything. The bad thing is we can’t talk about it. Everytime I bring it up he starts bawling about how sorry he is, and of course, I say it’s ok because if not then I am being difficult and I want to try to understand, but the pain is still there. I honestly feel like he has cheated on me and I know he will do it again.

August 2, 2008 at 8:58 am
(59) suzanna says:

It hurts because it IS cheating… The Lord Jesus taught that mental unfaithfulness is the same as adultery when He said, “But I say to you, that whosoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Lusting for other women might be common among married men, but it is certainly not something we have to accept or tolerate. There are men who do not lust after other women but you never hear about those guys. We as women have been taught otherwise, mostly by men, that ALL men lust and therefore we have no choice but to accept it.
Well let me tell you all something, you DO have a choice.. don’t put up with it. Find a man who loves you and respects you so much that he would never allow his mind to even begin to entertain thoughts about other women. Yes, it is possible for a man to have that kind of self-control. This to me is a real man. Men who look at porn are nothing more than just self-indulgent little boys.

August 2, 2008 at 9:17 am
(60) suzanna says:

Oh, and to John P..

Please stop flaming me and the other posters. Your comments are not helpful to anybody and it’s obvious you are here to hurt, not help. Maybe you should find another forum to make your voice heard, one where your comments will be appreciated by others like you.

August 3, 2008 at 9:17 pm
(61) John P. says:

jennie, it hurts so bad because you let it hurt so bad, and do not know what your husband thinks because you two cannot talk about it. A communication problem of this type is not easy to resolve, but is necessary to move on. For this you’ll first need to accept that you have a problem in your relationship, not just “he has a problem, and I’m not part of it”. This is hard to understand, especially if you’re surrounded by people like suzanna giving you placebos, but it is a necessary step to resolve the problem. Then he will not need to bring excuses, and you could talk about it – either together, or through counseling. It doesn’t have to be a marriage counselor – for example, if you two are religious, you could get a very good counseling in your church. Some friends are good in it as well.
I would also warn you about “finding another man” strategy, as it could easily leave you in the same situation, if not worse. Yes, it IS possible to “find a man who would never allow his mind to even begin to entertain thoughts about other women”. However you must understand that men do not come as a Subway sandwich, and you cannot have “just like this, but a little taller and please no thoughts about other women”. Men – and women – come in a package, there are good things, and bad things. A man who would ignore every other woman might as well be completely anti-social, extremely jealous (be ready to spend your whole life home alone), a religious nut, or something similar. So think twice before coming this way.

susanna, you are not moderating this discussion, so please stop telling me what I should or should not post/do. Your assumption that I need your advice is incorrect, so please keep it to yourself and your lord jeezaz. If you have anything to say, I’m listening as johnpa1966 at gmail. Please keep the discussion civilized and without personal attacks. Thank you.

August 4, 2008 at 2:31 am
(62) CLI says:

Iíve read the whole discussion with interest, though I cant say I understand empathetically, how some ladies really feel and hurt, though I am also a woman. Iím Asian, and still married, for 30 years now, some might say, oh, you are culturally different. But same here, I used to be very jealous, always checking on my husband, if he is watching Porn, on his own; if he has funny txts, and if he is working late and having girl friend. However, we enjoyed watching porn together, though not frequent; I could sense, we both have the sexual urge while watching, and thatís why I was not jealous at all; and I know those girls in there are unreachable, donít mean unreachable in the moral sense; they are just like any girl in the touch up magazine, we both understand that, and we have fantastic sex at the end of the porn session; and I bet he wouldnít remember any of those faces.
Iím just trying to say, if you can have a chance to say you like to join in, donít make him hide and do, may be he would be more open. The more you make it risky for him, the more he will chase, and fantasised. I sincerely hope this help some.

August 4, 2008 at 10:01 am
(63) realdude says:

John P:
I think you are right and live in a conscious world. Is it better for sexually addicted married men to utilize internet porn over seeking pros or girlfriends which would introduce another array of probs. I have told my wife that I am sexually addicted to the endorphines released when masturbating. My wife is HOT and I would have sex with her 5-6 times on the weekend. We have been married 14 years and I still feel very attracted to her. The fact is her body cannot physically handle that much sex. I do think there is a problem when you choose porn over your wife. Maybe you should think about your physical appearance to your spouse. The sense of sight is an incredible force; however on the flip side the man is responsible in making certain his wife’s needs are fullfilled. I think some women and I emphasize SOME, simply have control issues with there husbands watching porn. There are women whom think they can dictate everything to men. I don’t think there is a “one size fits all solution” Women tell your husbands what you want and need, Men tell your husbands what you need even if you think it will hurt either persons feelings. Of course do it in a loving manner without anger or resentment. There will most likely be a fight or some disgust with either person, but think how much easier it will be to find out what the other person is thinking. Now with all that said my wife still thinks that I am more attracted to the porn stars than here, and I absolutley cannot remember anyones face. It is a pure chemical addiction. We have several other problems in our marriage but they all seem to stem from one grand central station…absolutely conveying feelings, emotions and truths to the other and dealing with daily life routine.

August 6, 2008 at 3:23 pm
(64) s says:

Seriously, if you want your husband to quit watching porn, then are you ready to fulfill his sexual desires? Men have a major sex drive, its part of our masculinity. My wife and I are early 30′s, she has no problem with me watching porn and has even bought movies for us to watch together. If anything, it compliments the great sex my wife and I have. If we are doing it regularly, I don’t feel the ‘need’ as much. Porn is a place where a man can simply look at women doing sexual things and masturbate. Men are visually stimulated.

Really, its not a big deal unless someone takes it way too far. A wife should not try to be compared *(or even think she’s being compared) to a porn star. Its unrealistic vs realistic. Men should keep it under control like any other vice.

August 10, 2008 at 1:35 am
(65) what to do says:

I’m 35 yrs-old and I’ve been married to my husband for almost 6 years, we have 2 boys and a girl on the way (I’m 7 mos pregnant). I knew he watched porn but I thought it was once in a bluemoon. In reality, I think it’s more like every week. I know that’s not that big of a deal in some minds, but the real clincher is that I found a pile of ladies panties in his underwear drawer. Some of them belonged to my 25 yr-old niece who lives with my parents in their apartment, which is connected to ours (we own/live in a 2-family house). This is the 3rd time I’ve caught him with this panty fetish/obsession/collection: the first time was before we were married and he got rid of those, but this is the 2nd time during our marriage. By the way, the panties were clean, but obviously has gone through the wash, so nothing too scanky there. When I confronted him, he admitted that some were my nieces, some he purchased and some belonged to other women! He claims that he has never had an extramarital affair and I do believe him actually. I told him how hurt I felt, especially since some of the panties belonged to my niece!! He said that this time he would stop collecting panties.

I feel really hurt by all of this. I didn’t think I held back the sex…ok, maybe while I went back to school I went to bed later than he did because of studying, but we still had sex. I really did love having sex with him too and yes, recently, he stopped wanting it. He says it’s because of stress from work, but I can’t make myself trust him or believe in him or believe in our marriage. I do feel like one of those wives that feels betrayed and may have low self-esteem issues because, duh, I am 7 mos pregnant and who’s attracted to that? I can’t bring myself to forgiving him for thinking with his dick. He said that it has nothing to do with me,but I can’t help think that maybe he’s fantasizing about other women or even my niece when he’s masturbating, which I’m sure he is, or that he was fantasizing about them when he was having sex with me. I am so hurt and angry that I don’t think I could ever trust men again!!

I don’t know if I should divorce him and ruin it for the kids or if I should give him another try. Let’s say I did forgive him (not forget, but forgive), how would I go back to being happy with him?

August 14, 2008 at 12:05 am
(66) bogie says:

I say porn is not worth your self esteem girls…. We are beautiful. Let the guys look. We can get them back ten fold by flirting and knowing their best friends would have us in a minute……

August 14, 2008 at 12:18 am
(67) bogie says:

Porn hurts. I will never be dedicated as long as you are not. Your porn is two fold.

August 14, 2008 at 3:26 pm
(68) suzanna says:

Porn totally destroyed my marriage. Before he “left me” for porn, my husband was the love of my life. Now the love I had for him is gone. I will be filing for divorce very soon and I will get the kids AND the house. Ladies, do not think it will get better if you just “ignore it” The truth is, your relationship is already in trouble. No matter how beautiful, sexy or desirable you are, no matter how much you love him, no matter how much sex you give him,(if he even still wants to have sex with you)you will never, ever be able to compete with porn.

This quote by Rabbi Shmuley says it all:

ďPornography is destructive not only because it is insulting to oneís wife, but because it takes oneís erotic focus away from oneís spouse. In this respect, the principal harm it inflicts is not radically different from adultery. When infidelity occurs, it destroys the marriage not only by causing hurt and humiliation, but by starving the marriage of attention, affection, and effort. The hurt that a husband causes his wife by being unfaithful is not, in itself, the deal-breaker in their marriage. The wives whom I have counseled through a husbandís infidelity are prepared to forgive him if they love him. The real deal-breaker is the fact that the wife is no longer the focal point of his sexual and romantic energies. When husbands and wives are not wholly focused on one another as the means of finding erotic excitement, they begin to drift apart.Ē

August 18, 2008 at 10:14 pm
(69) ablesee says:

Okay. I’m not married, but I’m in a serious, committed relationship. I live with my boyfriend. Both of us like to watch porn..sometimes together, sometimes privately. It’s part of human sexuality. My boyfriend has told me that it’s just fantasy for him, and I agree because it’s just fantasy for me. I understand because I watch porn too. It has nothing to do with me. He finds me very attractive and desirable. We have great sex. However, if he was watching porn every day and ignoring me, there would be a problem. Everyone’s situation is different. My boyfriend and I have a very open relationship and are very committed to each other. Watching porn is harmless.

August 22, 2008 at 2:12 pm
(70) Jones86 says:

I’m not married, but even I know that there are consquences to certain behaviors. I’m not religious, but I do believe in God. Don’t be turned off just yet…here me out on this. There is a reason that you sex life suffers once you get married. It suffers because YOU HAD SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE! I know alot of people will blow off what I just said and say “…that’s great for you, it’s just not for me.” That’s fine. I’m not trying to tell you what to do. You see, the problem is that people want to have their cake and eat it too. When they’re young, they want to be in relationships and have sex and go from one person to another or whatever. Then they say to themselves, “you know, now that I’ve had my fun, I think it’s time to settle down with one person.” But how can you say that you will be sexually committed to one person when you were never sexually committed to all your previous partners? What, because a piece of paper says you will? God created human beings and He also created sex. When sex is taken out of context, it becomes tainted. All you are doing is stealing from your future when you have sex before marriage. If it were up to me you could be as promiscous as you wanted before marriage and then have a great sex life IN marriage. Unfortunatley, human beings weren’t created that way, and sex was never designed to be taken out of context. That darn free will! This is a circumstance where ignorance is NOT bliss. So once you have had sex before marriage it will become unsatisfactory once you become married. So ladies and gentleman, if you are one of those people that are scratching your head and wondering what happened after you got married, more often than not, you had sex before marriage. The truth is, you will never be satisfied and the itch will never get stratched. INow you know the source of pain regarding married sex life. So it’s not that your wife isn’t attractive anymore or that your husbands just bored with you or you’re bored or whatever, the list goes on and on. I just thought I would add some insight so that women understand that it’s not always your fault that you hate having sex with your husband, you’re going to have alot of interference (mentally, spirtually speaking). And for the men, sorry, but it doesn’t matter what you’re wife looks like, you will become uniterested in sex with your wife and probably look for it somehere else, via porn (not saying it’s right). If you’re not the self delusional type, then take what I said and apply it to your life, and that’s your evidence that consquences apply to EVERYONE across the board, no matter what you believe in. Everone thinks God set up these guidelines to deprive us of fun…what they don’t realize is that they are there for our protection.

August 23, 2008 at 4:00 pm
(71) zis says:

i cant blv after reading all of this that porn has hurt so many wives …. i guess i am one of the many … lost my baby because of this thing …. i wish ppl who make porn were all dead !!.. ofcourse my husband isnt exempt but i wouldnt wish death for him … i love him beyond words …. just wish he was the same too .. totally destroyed my trust.. bfr i had sex with him because i loved him so much …. and thought i was the only one for him .. now i have sex with him so he wont be online looking at porn … no satisfaction for me in there … i just dont even feel it anymore …. but who knows he is probably online jerking off too .. when ever he gets a chance …

August 23, 2008 at 4:23 pm
(72) zis says:

i cant blv after reading all of this that porn has hurt so many wives …. i guess i am one of the many … lost my baby because of this thing …. i wish ppl who make porn were all dead !!.. ofcourse my husband isnt exempt but i wouldnt wish death for him … i love him beyond words …. just wish he was the same too .. totally destroyed my trust.. bfr i had sex with him because i loved him so much …. and thought i was the only one for him .. now i have sex with him so he wont be online looking at porn … no satisfaction for me in there … i just dont even feel it anymore …. but who knows he is probably online jerking off too .. when ever he gets a chance … even after we have talked about it .. i just dont feel the same … he acts like everything is just fine and dandy !!! … ofcourse he takes so much care of me .. shows so much caring towards me … gives me everything i ask for … takes care of me beyond what words can express… but i am just shattered … i want to trust him so desperately … but i just cant seem to … it affects out lives daily …. i want to be the same person .. and i just want to forget about him looking at porn ever … but deep down it just hurts me so much even though he has said sorry …. and then started all over again … when i caught him he plain lied to me about it … its just kind of unforgetable for me … now i am in thekind of state i fantasize about what would he do if he caught me cheating on him … and i want to do it too … just so i can see him how jealous he would get … i am so scared of these thoughts ….. because where i come from these things are totally off the list… but i am so hurt ….. he has not even a shred of idea how much he has hurt me …. i act all slutty with im when we have sex …. i wear those micro mini skirts and basically topless tops …. bfr finding out about porn … i use to do all these htings too .. but to please him .. and i enjoyed knowing that i could please him too … obviously not enough that he felt the need to be pleased from this online smut …. just because i was pregnant …. and has my sister in law HIS SISTER and two kids in my house … trying to take care of all them … getting the sis in law’s shopping done and what not …. did he care about it at all … no way .. he just wanted his share of sex … no consideration on what his wife is going through …. after that i found out … and was so depressed basically we lost the baby … and then i had a c section … sex was offlimits for 6 weeks … he took so much care of me .. stayed by my side at the hospital .. took a whole month off from work … even cried about the loss of our baby …. but guess what went back to porn to “RELIEVE” all the stress …. i am a human too … i need to relieve stress too … wonder how he would react if he found out i was watching men with way bigger stuff and getting turned on by looking at them… and pleasing my self just looking at their things … wish i knew how he would have felt then !!!!!! …. i have tried to do it a few times myself … but all i seem to think is how much better my husband is then all of these fake , ugly guys ….. wish he could have felt the same ….. that hey i dont need to look at this stuff … i have my beautiful wife with me …. so what if she is pregnant … its jsut for a while more … then we will have the greatest sex ever …. why cant guys just think like that … i would never in my wildest dreams have thought my husband would look at porn …. he would constantly tell me i am “fully loaded” and take care of me while having sex … i was shocked when i found out about this …. we did watch porn together a bit in the beginning .. but i basically watched it for him and prayed for it to end … so soon my inlaws came to live with us .. and thank god that was the end of that …. if guys dont like the idea of anyother guy looking at their wives naked and getting off looking at their wives… how can then a wife take her husband looking at other naked women and jerking off … they have got the same exact things their wives have … so why not just please yourself with your own wife … tell her what goddamn thing you want to do to her or you want her to do to you …. i am so heart broken …. he now just acts like it never happened …. i try to pelase him regardless of what i get in return … but i am a human too .. sometimes i just want to beg him for sex… so pitiful on my part … and he just lays there sleeping all happy that got what he wanted … it makes me so furious at times .. i feel like we are jsut married because of FREE sex … we dont have sex when i am on my periods … at which time he is totally distant from me … not even a kiss, hug or a touch from him…. which just in my mind proves my point that all he wants from me is sex … porn really is invented by satan … because it creates so much space between the ones who otherwise love each other more then anything !! and anything that promotes so much hate can only be brought forth by satan…

August 23, 2008 at 5:30 pm
(73) zis says:

i also have a huge problem about taunting my husband about this incident when ever we are in a fight … if there is an instance where i really have to hold my self back as not to taunt him .. in my mind i am doing just that … i want to stop this .. because this creates a lot of problems .. most likely of which that he will def go back to viewing porn again and again ….. so if someone has come over that habit do let me know how .. sometimes it takes every ounce of strength i have not to burst out about it …. it makes me dizzy and tired … i even have gone down to have fake orgasms sometimes so he would be satisfied!! …. i cant even go to any guidance or anything because i blv they cant help me at all .. hwo can you make the pain go away just by talking …. i have done the talking to my husband he just sits there and tells me he doesnt know why he did it … just because he felt like it … and i dont really want to start a discussion with him because he might go over the edge and then starts doing it infront of me …. he knows i wont be going anywhere, leaving him …. so he has that comfort of knowing that he can probably do whatever he wants … all iw ant is a bit of attention from his part … which is practically non existent except when he is in the mood …. i feel so bad saying all this about him .. because i still love him a lot … but seriously writing it all down makes it a bit better … i wish i can talk to him like this … but i am sure the outcome would either be him getting really mad … or him getting really really mad … he has a sports day out with his friends on saturday ….. and i have nothing to do at that time … i want to keep myself busy at this time because this is the time when all the nagging thoughts come to haunt me … in my opinion sports is his outlet to let all the frustration out that i give him at home .. and i am aware of this fact that i constantly fight with him over no obvious reason … just because at the base of every argument i have my insecurities nagging at me … that i am not god enough for him … i dont look nice enough … something is missing in me that he had to look up porn to make up for it… i just want him to spend some time with me …. just me and him .. but that just seems out of hte question …sometimes the only way out for me is to commit suicide … i cant live without him … and have trouble living with im … only way out is death … how to bring it about .. i dont know … i have never before seriously entertained the thought of suicide …. but there is no other way out for me … my son and my faith are the only things keeping me on the sane side! …

August 24, 2008 at 11:59 pm
(74) SadNewleyWed says:

I’ve been reading over all these comments and have felt a great sense of comfort knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this problem. I am 24 yrs old and my husband is 23. We just got married 2 months ago and suddenly about a month ago our sex life started diminishing. He has a huge sex drive and so going down to once a week (and it not being very passionate sex at all) was really strange. I started thinking it was me and i needed to spice things up. So I tried last night and he made some stupid comment that completely ruined the moment. Today i went to my web history and noticed that EVERYDAY after i go to work he watches porn. I confronted him about it and he admitted that he masterbates every morning after I leave but didn’t seem to see anything wrong with it. I caught him about a year ago and asked him to please cut down his porn use and he agreed, but now i see nothing has changed. He says that he wants me to do different positions and what not, but i can’t compete with those porno sluts. What am, I supposed to do? It seems way to early in our marriage for him to lose interest in me. Is my marriage doomed?

August 29, 2008 at 12:21 pm
(75) Sgt. Rock says:

I have read all the comments. Overall it is always the guys fault. I have a hard time believing its mostly men who do not want to make love to their wifes. My personal experience and observations with people I know it is usually the wife who mostly has some excuse for not wanting to. My male friends do not physically, verbally or emotionally abuse their wifes. Do their best to keep home reponsibilities 50/50 +/-. Yes once the couple has 1+ kids its hard time wise. Once in a while work can get in the way, but that should be a very rare excuse. Like someone stated MEN ARE VISUAL. Now if the wife is not “playing nice” well? Personally I would like to make love to my wife at least once a week..that fine by me.
For me there is no other women I really want to be with for a meaningful continuous connection. I will agree too much porn is not healthy. Masterbation is a natural thing. Try something new in the bedroom, Make him realise you can do the things he may be watching on the net.

August 29, 2008 at 8:57 pm
(76) zoey says:

Good to find this site – for the third time in our marriage I’ve caught my spouse of 19 years doing the internet porn thing — a guy who used to make a point of saying that you couldn’t “generalize” about men and that he was different. Like many women here, each time I have expressed my deep pain, how much it hurts me, and how rotten it makes me feel about my body and myself. Clearly to no avail. I love him dearly and I don’t think he’d cheat (I don’t know any more though, really). But the trust thing is completely gone. Not to mention, as I get a little older, it’s not so easy to keep feeling sexually attractive — and this sure doesn’t help. But what can I do? I do love him, we have two young children and an othewise pretty good life. Every time this happens we have a big blow out and I can’t even look at him for days. Most certainly I can’t bear for him to touch me because (as I have read over and over again here) I’m convinced — whether or not it’s true — that he’s thinking of the women he’s watching on-line. But I digress. We have a big blow out and then gradually things return to normal; one must live from day to day and he’s otherwise a good man. But it has essentially ruined our sex life for me — I always feel self-conscious and embarassed now whereas for so many years (we started dating in college) he made me feel so good about myself sexually. He’s given me all the standard speeches (1) he started because after we had kids the sex thing died down a bit (I definately picked up the pace after that but obviously that wasn’t really it) (2) it has nothing to do with me and so on and so on. It’s all so pathetic and trite. I’ve read some other websites and they seem to indicate that this is “just something men do” (a theory I had always held in deep contempt) and that I should try to be understanding — to eliminate the secrecy if nothing else. I suppose then at least I wouldn’t feel like such a fool everytime I stumble over this stuff on the drop down menu or favorites list. And I suppose for millenia women (right up to Hillary Clinton) have borne up under this kind of thing with dignity. But I don’t feel very dignified right now. Any comfort or thoughts would be appreciated.

August 30, 2008 at 12:59 am
(77) vee says:

Mr. John P says
First I have to tell you I love your comments and help. The only thing I disagree on is that you said It hurst because you let it hurt,from the point of view of someone like me, if someone kiks my leg, my leg will hurt,the same for emotional pain. I been married for 12 years and my husband started first with going once to a topless bar, he told me that he went, but that wasn’t were him and his friend were suppost to be. Than at one of our bbq’s he invited people from work, got drunk and started telling a co-worker that he loved her and that she was his baby, infront of me on to make matters worse the women said to me that her and my husbands don’t even have to speak to eachother just one eye contact and they know what they think. Imagine this put a big gap between me and my husband, I lost trust in him and his romantics words mean nothing to me. Recently I left him for a few hours to get my kids upstate and then all of us went to hershey Park. My husband was very quite for four days and look angry all the time. Finaly wen we got home we faught and the next day. He held my hand and told me what was bothering him. He said he watch 3 porn movies on cable and he felt that he betrayme and also he felt dirty. He cry for about an hour and then I felt realy bad for him. I don’t like porn movies, I never did. I was glad he told me, but I was so dissapointed in him. I think he is going to an aged problem, he is 44 and I’m 36. We have great sex, but a week ago he asked me if I will like for him to dye his hair and I said no, because to me he always looks great and I want to GET OLD with him, thats the point. I’m sorry if I misspale. I’m not from this country.

August 31, 2008 at 6:33 am
(78) John P. says:

vee, thank you for your kind words. I’d still like to point out that your example is not particularly correct. Everyone feels pain being kicked in a foot, and you’d hardly find a sane person who enjoys it. This is not the case with porn, as even here some people shared their positive opinion about it, so it would be untrue to say that porn hurts every sane person. In your case, however, things look more like a “mid-life crisis”, maybe stressed by other problems – financial, for example. Counseling will help you both, but a one-week vacation without kids (if it’s possible) would help even more.

SadNewleyWed, it’s pretty normal for 24yo to masturbate every day and still have sex with you. But since it affects your marriage, it’s definitely not ok. Is there a reason you’re going to work and he’s staying home? Is he unemployed or works night shifts (which would be the worst case here)? Do you try to have sex with him in the morning before you go to work, as it looks like his sex drive peaks? Were you get married because everything was so good, or there were already some problems, and you decided this is the way to fix them?

Jones86, if you say you’re believe in God, you ARE religious. Check the dictionary. Believing it God itself has nothing about premarital sex (and some religious cults even encourage it). I could also name about fifty well-known Gods, including Athena, Odin, Ra, Beelzebub, Perun and so on; the experts probably would name several thousands. Most of them say nothing about premarital sex, some (Gera) encourage it. So it looks like you’re following yet another God, “Lord Jesus”, and just quoting the Bible even though you’re saying you’re not religious. Since I do not see any reason to prefer Jesus opinion over Zeus or Ra, I will disagree with your statement. Your assumption about cake is also incorrect – the marriage is not about getting free sex, it’s about establishing and maintaining the relationship. Also you’re missing the point that your God does not let you have sex for pleasure even in marriage, so your assumption is flawed.
As I said before, religion is personal thing which two people in relationship should agree upfront. If your spouse wasn’t religious, the marriage will not convert him, and it would be childish to talk to him with the bible in your hand. You knew what you were doing, you made the dinner, and you’re eating it.

suzanna, good luck with your divorce and house; hope the property price is going up in your area. The one thing I’d like to comment though is that most successful people almost never has their spouse in their focal point. They are concentrated on business enterprises, political career or winning Olympics gold. If you want to be the focal point of your man all the time, consider some very poor unlucky fellow. You’ll be the first and the only bright spot in his life, so you won’t have any self-esteem problem anymore.

bogie, that’s the position I like. Being from Europe I personally have no problem with my wife flirting with other men. If she wanted to have sex with one of them, I’d probably ask if I can watch and have an ice cream. I could return the favor when I’m back in Europe because I still cannot adapt to how ladies look like in US. But you’re being positive, and this is good. It is much better than “telling him it hurts you”.

August 31, 2008 at 2:11 pm
(79) Jones86 says:

JohnP, remember what I said at the end of my comment? If you’re not the self delusional type of person, take what I said and apply it to YOUR own life. You don’t have to believe what I believe in, but don’t you think it’s interesting when you think about the sex you had before your marriage versus the sex you have (or don’t have) in your marriage? There is quite a difference isn’t there? How would I know that if it wasn’t the truth. No one gets a free pass, sex becomes boring, passionless and the wife begins to view sex as a chore. Why do you think men cheat on their wives when they have a beautiful wife at home? It’s not about what you believe, it’s about the consquences of your actions.

August 31, 2008 at 7:40 pm
(80) jenny says:

married for 9 years and no children, well no wonder- he would rather please himself than have sex with his wife.
men are selfish.

September 3, 2008 at 12:59 am
(81) John P. says:

Jones86, please excuse me, but before applying Yet Another Great Theory to my life – as you suggest – I usually do a cross-reference check. Both your theories cannot stand it.

First time your theory involved some abstract unnamed God, which – according to you – created humans, created sex and did not want humans to have sex before some civil procedure the God has nothing to do with in most countries around the world. The obvious fault of this theory is that it is based on assumptions which are impossible to prove. Like a lot of arguments above talking how the Bible teaches us to handle the marriage, or susanna’s quotes about some rabbies opinion about porn, those arguments might be only valid if everyone is religious and follows the same religion. For a person who does not believe in Jesus or Tora those arguments have little value. This is very common misunderstanding in the couples with the different level of commitment to the religion.

Now the grounds changed, and the theory is not based anymore on what some God taught us to do. It is now based on assumption that if someone had sex before marriage, and the sex was better than he now has in his marriage, this person would definitely be encouraged to cheat just to “remember” his good old experience. However in the same case the person who never had sex before marriage might as well be encouraged to cheat just to see how sex with another person feels like. There is a lot of reasons men and women cheat on their partners. Emotional needs, revenge, lack of attention, troubles… the list is countless. If there was only one problem, everything would be simple, and me and my colleagues probably would be much poorer.

Prior experience does not encourage or discourage cheating; same with lack of prior experience. The problem already starts when someone tries to compare what they have in this relationship with something they THINK they MIGHT have had if they weren’t in the relationship. The girlfriends’ typical peer pressure, “you are entitled to have a better husband” is alone responsible for roughly quarter of all divorces. What they learn in second marriage, however, is that they did have a better husband before, as the chance for the second marriage to survive is 10-15% lower than for the first marriage. Note that the problem is that they are comparing them, not just the fact they have this kind of experience.

September 5, 2008 at 11:19 pm
(82) James Skaggs says:

“This is wild. I am starting to fall asleep.
But all of these comments are good, from A-Z.
I just happened to stumble on this site, and
I am amazed. I am 52, dated my wife (ex) for
7 years. We were married for 8 years. We had
sex during the latter part of our courtship.
I had porn, she new it, never talked about it.
I did not dominate me,in fact through time I
got bored looking at it. Heck, I thought I had
this beautiful loving woman. I did. Then all
heck broke lose. One thing I did not observe
in the previous comments was, when some women
have a child, their hormone structure just goes to “H”! I wasn’t getting any anymore!
I gave her everything she wanted. I repeatedly
asked her to have some openness, like talk
about what is going on in our lives. Everytime
I attempted this, she would turn and walk away. This started a WHOLE new problem…. I
started drinking, so I could go into another
world when I got home from work. I barely was
able to see my son, because she would be over
at her mothers house!! Would some of you ladies indulge on this “hormone” change for me
for I do not wish to go through this again,but
maybe I will have no choice. I been divorced
for 9 years, I want to get remarried, and live
the life that was given to me, and honor the
Lord and Father. When she left, she left me
with a 1″ by 2″ note saying, “I’m gone, and I
have your son”. To this day,I still do not know why she left.And sorry, I do not drink
anymore!

September 16, 2008 at 11:53 pm
(83) deperate husband says:

so what does a husband do if his wife just has no interest in sex and is ALWAYS tired or has another excuse. My wife is 44 and I am 38. My libido has not slowed and hers has come almost to a halt. I provide her with oral sex, mke sure that she has an orgasm every time, get her flowers, take her out, etc. I cannot keep waiting for the one time in a whole month that she is ready to have sex. Porn, although I know it is wrong, is going to end up being my only outlet. If we talk about sex, her satisfying me, or even her just taking off her clothes so I can satisfy myself, it leads to an argument. If only I knew this was going to happen years ago.

September 17, 2008 at 7:20 pm
(84) not lonelyanymore says:

In my opinion, pornography use is not a healthy substitute for a loving sexual relationship, not even for those whose spouses have rejected them sexually. I can tell you from personal experience that solo sex is very unsatisfying in the end, and leaves you feeling very empty and depressed.

I believe God designed sex to be shred ONLY with the one we love. If the one we love refuses to share themselves with us, we are left with only three choices- leave the marriage and find someone new with whom we can share a loving sexual relationship, stay in the marriage and have an affair, or accept whatever our spouse is willing to give (or not give)

For 15 years I chose to stay in the marriage and accept the fact that my husband was never going to have sex with me again. Then one day I met someone who made me realize how much I had been missing all those years I “settled” for less than what I deserved. Today I am separated from my ex but we still share a home and are co-parenting our two children, and my new partner lives with us as well. This arrangment may not be for everyone but it has worked out well for us for the past two years. The marriage may have been over but not the friendship. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and do what makes you happy, evn if it means leaving your comfort zone. There’s nothing worse than being married AND desperate. At least now I don’t have to beg someone to make love to me anymore!

September 18, 2008 at 2:29 pm
(85) JKM says:

Just wondering if there are men who think that porn is not acceptable. Would love to hear from someone who gave up porn for good or tried to but could not.

September 19, 2008 at 9:48 am
(86) Vince says:

I am a 65 year old man and I don’t care for porn at all and no, I am not gay. I prefer the real thing and porn is fake. I just think it is disgusting, period.

September 19, 2008 at 10:01 am
(87) Meghan says:

This post has been very helpful. I too am struggling with some of these issues. I recently came down stairs after putting our 6 month old to bed to see my husband looking at the maxim website. This sparked a good discussion with us that I too was missing the intimacyóespecially the good sex, not just the release kind that happens at the end of a long day. So my trouble is that I donít want to be hurt and upset by his use of ďsoft pornĒ. I want to understand, but inside I am really hurt and cannot stop thinking about it in my head. My husband is wonderful and loving and what I think hurts the most is that I wish he had bought me the sexy lingerie and romanced me. I admit I havenít done this sort of thing for him, but I miss the excitement too. He says this is something that he does very rarely and has only gone to this one website (maxim) that doesnít show women totally nude. However, it is all the same to me if he is looking at other women for sexual pleasure. I worry that it could get worse and that my feelings toward this are going to interfere with our great marriage and sweet children. I too seek pleasure when he is gone (that is another trouble is that I was home when this happened) and understand there is a role for self-pleasure in a marriage, but I think neither of us are getting what we need from each other and that is where we need to start. So, I have made a strong effort to add some spice to our love life these last few weeksóboth because I want it and to help stem the use of porn. Is that sillyówill he always use it? If he is looking at maxim, will he look at other stuff too? Is he fantasizing about the 20 somethingís he works with at the college? I also worry that weíve had great sex these last couple weeks as I have made this effort, but is that ďrewardingĒ his for looking at the porn? Any help would be appreciated.

September 19, 2008 at 3:46 pm
(88) JKM says:

Meghan,
I am too wondering if rewarding a guy with great sex so that he does not need porn is a sign of a weak character? Shouldn’t he stop first, go through a sort of ‘probation’ to test his decision and only then get rewarded? Next, if ‘great sex’ isn’t something you put effort into all the time how can you maintain it in a long run? And if you don’t keep it going will your husband stray away again?

Vince,
Do you know younger men who share your opinion?

September 20, 2008 at 4:32 am
(89) HelloGuello says:

JM- my husband doesn’t watch porn. I told him how I felt long before we were engaged and he no longer does it. He was never an addicted type person or anything but he did give it up because of my belief that it shouldn’t be a part of a relationship unless both people agree on it. I know he doesn’t do it secretly either. I trust him with that and it’s not like I wouldn’t find out if he did. he also wouldn’t be able to lie or keep it from me if I were to ask him. so to answer your question…yes there are Men who give it up and I’ve seen a lot others on other message boards too. Some Men don’t like it regardless of a relationship.

September 21, 2008 at 3:06 pm
(90) vince says:

JKM, the first time I saw pornography was when I was living in Los Angeles in the sixties. I had unwittingly walked into a “dirty” movie house and watched about three minutes before I got up and walked out. I did not like watching people having sex. In fact I thought it was filthy and disgusting. It was definitely NOT a turn-on for me. Age has nothing whatsoever to do with it. I may be a senior citizen but I still have a healthy libido and I appreciate a good-looking woman as much as anyone else. I guess I just prefer the real thing to a fantasy. Maybe I’m just a hopeless old romantic, but I still think sex and love go hand in hand. Porn is for perverts and losers.

September 22, 2008 at 6:13 pm
(91) JKM says:

Vince,
Thank you. The reason I asked about age was to prove/disprove a theory that men can grow out of porn as they grow up/mature. I see it does not have to be this way. Some never like it regardless of their age. Good news.

September 22, 2008 at 9:53 pm
(92) lparette says:

I left my husband three weeks ago over internet porn. I have read all your comments and it just makes me more sure of what I have done. We have two beautiful children. He looked at this stuff on our home computer! When I confronted him he said, “I am just a base guy, but I have never cheated on you”–but he did. He found gratification outside the marriage, and was–quite frankly–functionally impotent for most of our marriage. I think that he was so desensitized by the stuff he was looking at that regular–marital–sex just didn’t do it for him anymore. He broke my heart and destroyed our family with this stuff and he still doesn’t get it. When I look at him, I see a creep. It got to a point that I couldn’t be in public with him because he would look at other women and get this glazed look in his eye. I swear he didn’t even know he was doing it!!! I don’t mean just looking–which I could have handled– but this leering thing I have trouble describing. After the first confrontation I forgave–until I found out he was just moving his sessions to his work laptop. The problem with this stuff is that some people just can’t stop–and they look for more and more until their wives aren’t enough. He couldn’t be excited unless I acted kinky—in a very uncomfortable way–and it made me feel like a used kleenex. I knew what he was thinking of when he was with me and it slowly tore down what self-esteem I had left. Now, now I feel guilty for leaving, but I know it will never stop. My life is ruined, my children are now in a single-parent household, and I cry every day. But I will never go back to that. I have daughters. What would they have thought if they found that stuff on the computer (I cleaned it all out–a not unpainful process to go through.)? This stuff destroys families, and it destroyed mine.

September 23, 2008 at 3:39 am
(93) Cristy says:

Desperate Housewives? This is from a 23 year old jerk. These women are obviously in strain for their marriage, and that is an honnorable thing seeing that they are so easy to get out of these days. I am engaged, and have ran into this problem w/ my fiance. I consider it cheating. I told him if it continued that we will not get married. I should have seen the signs with the bikini girls on his wall when he was a batchlor, he freaked out when I put up a poster of a gorgeous guy without a shirt on, we agreed that neither would have such things. I think I’m calling the wedding off. I can’t risk it, I don’t want to get divorced.

September 23, 2008 at 3:49 am
(94) Ain't it the truth says:

Men would not be happy to have the tables turned. Men are more conditioned that this is ‘okay’. I was wild, made my mistakes, sinned and asked forgiveness. I am ready to leave that life behind. I don’t want it in my family life.

September 23, 2008 at 10:14 am
(95) socrates says:

I am 31 years old. Porn had been all around me when I was a kid. I too find that my husband sucks in bed now that we are connected to the internet. If I viewed porn the way that he did, it wouldn’t be long before I just went out and got myself the sex I see on the screen. And I don’t know why I am keeping the internet connection, I guess I want him to look at it again so that I have permission to cheat on him. I am dying to do it anyway. Anyway, men can be selfish and deny the problems they are causing by acting like porn should be acceptable, and that even the soft porn featured in every magazine and movie is acceptable…but I for one will f*** my husband over so fast he will then find himself feeling the feelings of hurt and rage that he has caused me!

September 23, 2008 at 11:01 am
(96) socrates says:

I am angry that my husband has lied to me and I will not stay in this marriage and I have given him a warning.

September 23, 2008 at 6:28 pm
(97) JKM says:

Iparette,
You should laugh from happiness, not cry. Seriously. You left for better, not worse. If you stayed you would feel like crap over and over again. It takes enormous effort for corrupt minds to change. By and large, men do not have that strong of a spirit. Even if they give up porn for their own reasons they still can not learn to view women differently that late in life. Spirituality does not come in one day. Look for someone who already has it. God bless.

September 30, 2008 at 10:22 am
(98) RK says:

first off PORN does and will destroy a marriage. One Pastor is on a mission to prove it too. He is a great guy, who has live audience proof of basically this ” how many women sitting here would be turned on knowing your husband is, or does view porn nobody’s hands raised, then he asked the same question basically in a different manner…. to find out google your way to laugh your way to a better marriage, this guy is awesome!! Oh and by the way porn is and will destroy our teenagers so much so that by the time they do get married the wont ever have the emotional connection with their spouse….quite interesting to view this dvd, some short clips are on you tube as well.

October 1, 2008 at 2:41 pm
(99) Vishal says:

Hi

i would like to share my view as a husband.
I am religious and faithfull to my wife.
I also never had extra marital affair never ever in my life but i did fantasize it.
Being men and women both human beings and i heard both fantasize about sex and if fantasizing individually in isolation is not bad
(ofcourse untill and unless shared with each other it is such a thing that one is afraid lest the counterpart should not feel bad about her/him)
Even I watch porn movie with my wife.
I personally have no problems in as long as it satisfies her and me both.

October 2, 2008 at 10:03 pm
(100) feeling down says:

I have so many rambling thoughts right now and have never posted any sort of comments like this but i am feeling so sad and confused about my husbands internet porn habits. we have been married 5 years and have two children one of which is just 4 months old. i don’t doubt that he loves me more than anything and would never go out and physically cheat on me but i was on the computer and stumbled on to where he has been saving all of his porn videos. in the last 3 months he has over 50 videos saved. i know he thinks that i am not good on the computer cause he will clear the browse history and i always know when he has been on a site that gives free porn movies…(so the sky is the limit). i have a very open mind and we have watched several different porn movies together. but i find it very disturbing that he is watching so much. like i said, i just had our second child 4 months ago and of course my libido is down and my self image is as well. before the pregnancy, i considered myself very sexual and sexy(just as good as those women in the movies) making sure that i satisfied my man both orally and everything but of course i have the flabby stomach now and can’t fit into any of my size 4 pants anymore so i haven’t been feeling very sexy. He tells me that he thinks i am sexy and pretty and all but it is not enough to just tell me. he used to not be able to keep his hands off me but i think that watching alot of porn and probably jerking off is satisfying him for now and i have a very hard time with that. he is out of town on business for a couple of days and i know he is probably having a good old time with his laptop in the hotel. but like so many others that i have read i believe watching it by his self is not healthy for our relationship. i too have watched some movies alone as well but very few and far between and have told him when i have but i feel like lately he is trying to hide how much he has been watching. i don’t know what to do. i want to confront him but i almost want to throw myself at him every night for a while and see if the porn watching continues. is this wrong? should i just ask him. i feel like he has been cheating on me or something and yes like these other comments, i feel like he is seeing those women in his head. i know he will be so offended when i bring it up probably saying that i am not giving it to him so what is he supposed to do?….but that is not true….yes i have not been the sex goddess that he probably wants but sometimes i think that if he had it his way,…..he would want to several times a day. i am just feeling so hurt that he couldn’t come and talk to me about this. i am always thinking about his sexual needs….giving him oral probably more that actual sex trying to be a good wife but these porn movies these days are so far fetched. and i agree that it can desensitize a man to his wife. and he has not really tried to pursue me. he keeps talking about how he has not done me orally or even touched me there in a long while. i just think i should tell him that he shouldn’t watch it unless we are together and same goes for me too. it hurts me so much to think of him getting off to these hot women in these fantasy situations. i am confused and feeling hurt.

October 3, 2008 at 8:28 pm
(101) free spirit says:

To everyone male or female.If you are in a serious relationship,
If it is a problem for one of you, then IT IS A PROBLEM for both of you.It might be helpful to discuss,or investigate why it is a problem, it could be
very helpful.If you have an understanding and not defensive mate you might be able to come up with workable solutions.

October 5, 2008 at 12:57 am
(102) Mukesh Kumar says:

Hi

i would like to share my view as a husband.

I am religious and faithfull to my wife.

I also never had extra marital affair never ever in my life but i did fantasize it.

Being men and women both human beings and i heard both fantasize about sex and if fantasizing individually in isolation is not bad

(ofcourse untill and unless shared with each other it is such a thing that one is afraid lest the counterpart should not feel bad about her/him)

Even I watch porn movie with my wife.

I personally have no problems in as long as it satisfies her and me both.

October 5, 2008 at 1:03 am
(103) Mukesh Kumar says:

Further to my previous comment, it is not bad to share fantassies and actually visualise. it works as a binding and exciting force.

October 5, 2008 at 3:33 am
(104) Some Guy says:

I’m sorry but as a guy I really need to chip in here. I used to watch porn before I met my wife and before I converted to christianity. Then I stopped watching it for a long period of time. I have just recently started watching porn again, and I can tell you that it is 100% about sex, and 100% my wifes fault. She has absolutely rejected any sexual advances that I have made over the last 6 months (and we have only been married not even a full year). Over time the rejection has caused such lonelyness that I ended up looking for personal connections in other places, which led me back to porn. All I would say is that if the guys are looking for it somewhere else, the probability is that they just arent getting what they want at home. My suggest would be for y’all to try initiate sex for a change, instead of expecting the man to do it all the time. Most guys want their wives, and its the wives who turn them to porn and worse.

October 6, 2008 at 3:58 am
(105) John P. says:

Wow. Someone even mentioned REWARDING a guy with great sex. So there are still women who thinks of sex in relationship as reward? This was a typical “girlfriend advice” a decade ago, and for us this was always a sign of a woman who either is non-sexual (and does not enjoy sex at all), or has pretty low self-esteem and covers it with sex denial. No surprise it does not work – their men pretty soon find porn, fleshlights, Internet dating and that prostitutes cost $200, always available, and do everything they want. Once she finds, she gets mad and then we have another single mom who is told by her girlfriends that she “did right thing”, and her next marriage will be much better because she will find a “right man”. Then Census tells us that second marriage has a 15% greater divorce rate than first, and for the third marriage the divorce rate is close to whopping 75%! Apparently it doesn’t work, she is getting old and alone, while her ex-husband got a young nice-looking wife from Philippines who was grown up being taught to do everything to please her husband, and they live together in happiness till death. Pissed off? That happens much more often than you think. Two my personal friends went this way, they said they would never marry an American lady again. And they are not stupid fat rednecks, they are MDs in their 30s, good-looking and making some money. I see their ex-wives occasionally, one of them still blames porn for everything. Not her sex denial, no – porn is responsible for everything! Well, it’s a shame we live in a society where we’re suing companies for hot coffee, and where personal responsibility is thing in the past.

To RK: you example is really flawed. Imagine people who watch porn, do group sex and other “nasty” things and enjoy them. What do you think, how many of them would you expect to see on your Pastor mission? Zero. It is the same as your pastor would ask if anyone believes in Allah Almighty, and by this poll result “prove” that no one believes in this stuff.

I have said it before, and I repeat it – be sexy, and you will never have any porn problem. “Sexy” does not mean wearing thong once a week, thongs are not sexy, it’s casual. Victoria secrets is casual as well. Go to Europe to see what “sexy” means. And if you think “I’m not a slut to wear THIS”, you’re not ready to have sex anyway. Become a nun and pray Lord Jeezas, you’ll be rewarded in Heaven.

October 6, 2008 at 4:04 am
(106) milton says:

I’m a 39 year old married guy whose wife has just found out that i was viewing porn and i can tell you that i feel utterly ashamed and
only wish i could have discussed this issue with my wife before she had to find out through the guy who fixed our pc.

I NEVER fantasise about other women(believe it or not)not even when we are intimate, which is a few times every 6-8 months. NO EXCUSE i know. It was stupid of me to go on believing that by not always complaining about our lack of intimacy, as we both have two young children and have hectic schedules,(i know – so does everybody else)was showing her some sort of consideration by not asking her for more regular intimacy.
I’ve NEVER been disloyal to my wife – not even flirted with other women and i selfishly thought that i could vent my sexual frustration with porn.
The sad thing is i know i have seriously affected her self-esteem, which makes me a complete ba##x@d. I know it’s going to take a while for her to forgive me (if she ever does,completely) but what I’m more concerned about is how to support her and help build up her self image again because i do love her immensely. I say again because I regularly make positive comments about her appearance and give her a lot of emotional support with various matters and she makes it quite clear that she appreciates this but now i think she’s probably thinking whether it was just all an act on my part and i don’t blame her. Quite frankly i don’t care about the lack of intimacy anymore.My behaviour has just made the situation feel 10 times worse – and i deserve whatever I get. I know i need to gradually earn her trust again and I can tell you from this experience that PORN SUCKS when it’s viewed in an underhand manner.

I also want to make things better with my wife for the sake of our children. Their well being and that of the family is much more important than my selfish, secretive porn viewing was. I say WAS because before i had access to the internet I survived without porn (at least hardcore porn)and so i know I can do it again for the sake of my marriage it’s just sad i had to tarnish what is otherwise a good, strong relationship.

October 9, 2008 at 3:53 pm
(107) marie says:

order a few toys for yourself, honey. use them, then put them away in the night stand. no back talk, no arguing, you don’t have to cook for it, clean for it, or wash its smelly clothes. a few double A’s are well worth it. safe sex. how about thinking about YOUR self first

October 10, 2008 at 7:57 pm
(108) In Pain says:

I was raped twice. Once when I was nine and once when I was seventeen. The man who raped me when I was nine could say nothing but, “You remind me of that pretty little girl on my computer” over and over again. I have had nightmares from this over and over again. Before my husband and I got married, he admitted to me that he had been curious one time while in college and bought a pornographic DVD. He told me it disgusted him, but then he kept watching it over and over again. Even though we were not together then, I felt betrayed and very hurt but I forgave him because I thought it was a one-time thing. A few months after we got married, I discovered that my husband had visited pornographic websites. That betrayal came back to me. He has done it a third time and I am seriously thinking about leaving him. I love him with all my heart, but I cannot keep reliving my past. When he does this, all I can think about is the men who raped me and it’s like it’s happening all over again. Pornography repulses me to my core. It turns men into perverted monsters. I WILL NOT wait until my husband is into bestiality before I address this problem. I have password protected the computer, I am making us go to counseling, and I am making him install a pornography blocker on the computer. I told him if he does it one time more, I will leave him. We have a three month old son and I do not want that crap around him. I feel used, betrayed, disgusting, vile, and ugly. Pornography is not normal, it is not good for marriages, and it just shows that the people involved in it have no respect for themselves or anyone else.

October 15, 2008 at 12:24 am
(109) Someone says:

This is a fascinating discussion. All sides are represented, yet there is little flaming.

My take? We’re in our 40s and have been together about 15 years. for the past several years, her libido is greatly diminished, but mine is not. I find that porn and masterbation helps make up the gap between her sex drive and mine. She doesn’t really like the fact that I do the porn, but it is better than weekly fights over how often to have sex.

There was a quote from a rabbi earlier that porn takes one’s erotic focus off their partner. Does it do that? Absolutly. But he does not acknowledge that a low-libido spouse often doesn’t want to be the object their spouse’s erotic focus. If I’m doing porn once or twice a week, it doesn’t bother me so much that I’m not having real sex, my wife doesn’t feel pressured to have sex when she doesn’t want to, and we aren’t experiencing unsastifying “obligation” sex.

But just like with alchohol, it has to be under control. I find that if I am doing the porn & masturbation several time a week, I tend to oogle women in public more, and obsess about sex more. I find that once or twice a week is the right balance between spending too much energy at it and being too obsessed with it, and the opposite extreme of that “need to get laid” irritability. Plus, on those infrequent occasions when my wife wants to be intimate, I can respond properly.

At this point in my life I am seeking balance, and that means paying attention to how my body and mind feels. Our sex life is not ideal, but I have no control over my wife’s diminished libido or her lack of interest in correcting it. All I can do is adapt to it in a way that works for me.

October 15, 2008 at 9:09 am
(110) wife's side says:

I found my husbands porn history on his laptop by accident, I was looking for my own info. What a shock, it has been 3 months now and we have fought weekly about this, he says he won’t do it anymore but I don’t trust him. He has let me check his email and laptop anytime I want but I still feel he is hiding things from me. All I know is after 18 years of marriage I don’t know if we will ever be the same again. He says he is ashamed but soooo much has come out. His friends send him porn, he gets email from dating sites, and I am truly hurt by it all. I quess my question to all the men out there is why. We have an active sex life now, when our children were younger it wasn’t what he wanted and it wasn’t what I wanted either, I was a stay at home mom of 3 small kids and tired all the time, he was never home. My advice to men is tell your wife you love her, show her by being there and helping and if she’s tired don’t take if personally, try a little harder believe me, when we finally do have time for sex there is nothing better than the man you are married to and in love with, we miss sex too. Porn only hurts us, I wonder everytime we make love now, is this something he saw or is it even me in bed with him right now? He says yes but I will never know will I. Trust is so easily broken and it’s very hard to earn back. I hope all the wives out there figure something out I know I want to I just don’t know how long it will take and if I’m strong enough to do it. good luck and guys if you have a real live women you shouldn’t need a fake one. enjoy what you have.

October 17, 2008 at 11:55 am
(111) Islam says:

Islamic Concept Of Sexuality

Islam recognizes the power of sexual need, and the subject is discussed in Quran and the saying of Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) in a serious manner, in context with the marital life and family life . Islam does not consider women (or men) an object of sexual pleasure but with a legal frame work of relationship fulfilling the will of God. While the sex outside marriage is a punishable sin, sex with one’s spouse is an act of worship. The Islamic laws regarding sex are fixed and do not change with peer pressure or changing values of society. Virginity at the time of marriage is considered a virtue in Islamic morality, but a disadvantage in the West. No wonder less than 10% of American brides are virgin.

Mention Of Creation, Reproduction And Sex In The Quran

“Verily We created man from a product of wet earth, then placed him in a drop in a safe lodging, then We fashioned the clot into a little lump, then We fashioned the lump into bones, then We clothed the bones with flesh, and then produced it as another creation. So blessed be Allah, the best of creators”. Commentary: The seminal fluid has all the ingredients (protein, carbohydrate, minerals) as earth has. The order of embryology given 1400 years ago when no microscope, X-ray of ultrasound were available is the same as discovered now. Western scientists recognized sperm in 17th century and thought it to be a miniature pre-formed man”.

4. “Your women are a tilth for you, so enjoy your tilth the way you wish, and make an introduction to yourself.

Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) said:
1. “When one of you have sex with your wife it is a rewardable act of charity”. The companions were surprised and asked, “but we do it out of our desire, how can it be counted as a charity?”. The Prophet replied “if you had done with a forbidden women, it would have been counted as a sin, but if you do it in legitimacy it is counted as a charity?”.

2. “Let not the one of you fall upon his wife like a beast falls. It is more appropriate to send a message before the act” .(foreplay)

3. “Do not divulge secrets of your sex with your wife to another person, nor describe her physical feature to anyone”.

Concept of Adultery (Fornication or Zina) in Islam

Allah says in Quran:
1.”Do not come near to adultery. Surely it is a shameful deed and Evil, opening roads to another evils “.

2. “Say: Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and reasons” .

3. “impure women are for impure men, and impure men are for impure women and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity”.

Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) has said on many places against adultery as one of the three major sins. However the most interesting story is that of a younger man, who came to him and asked his permission for fornication, since he could not control himself. The Prophet dealt with him with reasoning and asked him if he will approve of someone else doing illegal sex with his mother, sister, daughter or wife. Each time the man said ‘no’ then the Prophet replied that the woman with whom you plan to have sex could also be somebody’s mother, sister, daughter or wife. The man understood and repented. The Prophet prayed for his forgiveness.

Adultery is a crime not against one person but against the whole society. It is a violation of marital contract. 50% of all first time marriages in this country result in divorce in 2 years, and the main reason for divorce is extra- marital affairs of either husband or wife. Adultery which includes both pre- marital and extramarital sex is an epidemic in this society. Nobody seems to listen to the Bible which says frequently “Thou shalt not do adultery”. The Quranic approach “Do not approach adultery” is more sensible. What it means that not only illegal sex is prohibited, but anything which LEADS to illegal sex is also illegal. These things include dating, free mixing of sex, provocative dress, nudity, obscenity and pornography. The dress code both for men and women is to protect them from temptation and desires by onlookers who may lose self control and fall into sin.

“Say to the believing men, that they should lower their gaze
and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity,
and God is well acquainted with all they do”. “And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty. ..”.

goodluck to all coping with this out there …

October 17, 2008 at 12:03 pm
(112) athome says:

and even after all of this homosexuality is being promoted … wearing clothes that are like not wearing anything is promoted … getting drunk and laying off is promoted …. clubs are on the rise ….. prostitution is on the rise …. cheating .. divorcing …. mindless sex is rising …. sex had become a HABIT, an addiction , instead of a pleasureable and fulfilling relation with your loving spouse !!! and people wonder why there are so many mental illnesses nowadays …

October 17, 2008 at 12:15 pm
(113) athome says:

we should all clap and cheer for the porn industry …. that is so widely accepted these days …. and women who work in these movies act “proud” … wow … is that what u want ur daughter to grow up to be .. is that how you want ur mother to act like … is that how you want ur wife to act like with other people … and women you need to take care of ur man … there are times when you dont want to have sex … and im not saying you have to have sex even if you dont want to .. but there is a thing called compromise .. and if you love each other … compromise shouldn’t even be there … you should adapt to each others needs .. once in a while it wouldn’t hurt to do what he wants .. and men should take care of their wives pay attention to them .. not by just letting them buy whatever they want .. but physically, mentally and spiritually same goes for the women … even if one thing is imbalanced .. the whole tower falls … one imp thing is communication .. plz communicate with each other about each and everything .. especially if it has to do anything with your intimate lives with each others !!! …think about ur kids … their future .. don’t be a selfish jerk and think about ur pleasures …. these kids will grow up to be inadequate .. and with low self esteem .. and are likely to be looking for love or sex regardless of how old they are … and will lead to a more disturbing future then your sexlife issues…
and the root cause of this is SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE …. nowadays a guy who is a virgin at 20 is made fun of .. and is being called a dork … or gay by girls … that’s just shameful … and then all of you who think its so “cool” to be laid at 14 15 or 16 are sitting on this site crying when u get married !!! … women who love to tease men by wearing mini skirts .. micro skirts , cleavage revealing blouse .. sheer tops and what not … a guy sees you he asks you out or you go on a date with someone .. he marries you for your body … he married you for the looks not the whole deal .. and that love is bound to die sooner or later …

October 18, 2008 at 10:15 am
(114) a wife says:

This is in response to Someone says. My libido was very diminished as your wife’s is, I am also in my 40′s. I had been on birthcontroll pills for years then had to stop and my libido came back. Talk to your wife, I wish my husband had talked to me. Does she know that her lack of interest has pushed you to porn. If I had know believe me I would have tried to change. When I found my husbands porn it tore my heart out. It felt like he cheated and I have read from many husbands that you guys don’t feel this way but to me He cheated on me and it is taking a long time for me to get over, I have even considered divorce! This is just my take but even when I wasn’t interested, if my husband persisted in a nice way I never regretted making love with him. It is a wonderful thing to share with the man you love. I know now that love is very different for men and women. Men are more physical and we are more emotional. I feel very guilty for wasting so many years and wish I could make this up to my husband. He has promised to give up the porn and I want to believe him. If any man or woman out there has advice for and old woman like me I would really appriciate any help I can get. Should I believe him? What can I do to make up for the past? I’ll check tomorrow and days later for a response. Good luck to “Someone says” and to all the women hurting out there I know just how you feel.

October 18, 2008 at 6:49 pm
(115) Ali says:

Im only 18 and find it hard to get off porn because ive been watching it for a few years now. The reason I watch it, like most men, is because Im lonely, i need a wife but Im going to wait for about 5-7 years for that.

If a man has just got married and he’s addicted to porn, chances are that he will still continue to watch it, but it will die down as time goes on and as he becomes more closer to the wife.

Porn is something that most men watch and find it hard to get off and getting married seriously helps them ( i believe), itll just take time for the man, but he will always love and find his wife hotter than the women in porn.

Off topic:
To be honest the main reason I want to get off porn is because I want a better, more respectable wife when its time to get married. Porn is something that distorts the mans perception of a womans status which is why some men rape women and think “stop” means “carry on” as porn films make out to be.

October 20, 2008 at 12:14 pm
(116) cece says:

I think that you guys need to relax. I am a 27 old mom and I have be marrried for 7 years and I enjoy porn myself. My husband and I watch it together I think that it gives us ideas to try. It has spiced up our relationship. We had 3 children in 4 years and this was before we started watching it together. You can believe what you want about us but when we are still married in 25 years then you can see who was right then. I am madly in love with my husband and would have no one else.
Onthe masterbation thing youi know that we have tried it once and if you havent then you should because it is good. If you anc your husband explore each others body and enjoy what God has given you then you or him wouldnt be wanting something else.

October 23, 2008 at 11:50 am
(117) Jane says:

Oh Ali (115)you are so young and naive. Men don’t look at porn only because they are not married. And when they get married they don’t stop. They are just more sneaky about it. I have been married 37 yrs. My husband looked at his for stag film (what they called it back then.) at 15 yrs old. It has caused many problems in our marriage. He had an affair, for more sex. I forgave him, thinking it was my fault because I was not giving him as much sex as he needed (twice a week at least) but he still watches porn. He says all real men do it,and he can do what he wants. When he does look at it he then comes to me for the finally. If I’m home when he does it. If I’m not, he masturbates. He says he does it to start him off so it won’t take so long with me. Because he know that I’m not interested as much as him in sex. That’s what happens when you get older.At least years ago it was hard to get porn now it’s too easy and creating alot of problems in families. And that dam Viagra!

October 29, 2008 at 3:06 pm
(118) unsure says:

I think the majority of us know that it is a self esteem issue – but that should be addressed, not used as an excuse or reason to blame women for having a problem with porn.
My fiance told me the other day that he has watched videos “a few times” – most likely an understatement. But he puts so much energy the rest of the time telling me that I am it… that I look great… that there is no other woman but me… that when he masturbates he only thinks of me or us…
Well, this cannot be true if he is masturbating to other women – women absolutely nothing like me. Yes, it may be a self-esteem issue – but let me tell you, this does not help. And I feel like a fool for letting him talk me in to believing him.

So, I havent talked to him about it. If I do, it will seem like a problem – and the end result will be that he stops talking to me. And starts hiding things. I don’t think that talking can make him understand or not WANT it.

October 29, 2008 at 3:12 pm
(119) unsure again says:

and another thing…. I put so much energy in to things i did not used to. Cute clothes, shoes, makeup, sexy outfits… etc, etc. I am open to experiment – I do whatever he is interested. And whenever. We have sex at least every other day – on the weekends, twice a day. We do it when I am physically hurt. Emotionally hurt. Too tired (I get at least 4 hours of sleep less than him a night!!!).

And this is what I get?

October 29, 2008 at 5:21 pm
(120) its meeee says:

ok, so ive read all of these, bc im having the same problem with my husband. ive tried doing everything possible. sometimes i feel betrayed and insecure or maybe jelous that he looks at it. ive told him how i feel about it. i like other women on here fantasize about other guys, but its not to the point that i know that my husband does. i asked him last night (bc i felt insecure after sex bc he wasnt focusing on me) if he thought about porn while we had sex and he said yes!!!!! im glad he didnt lie to me about it in a wierd way, but ticked to the point that i dont even want him to touch me after admitting that! why am i soooo insecure about his porn use? why does he even have to use porn?i take really good care of myself, and plenty of people have told me i should be a model, and am gorgeous…so why cant he see that? i feel that every somewhat attractive female that walks our way, he might think about when we have sex, or even his past sex partners…help me stay sane…or have i lost it already???

October 29, 2008 at 5:31 pm
(121) its meeee says:

so, i just read unsures thing, and im in the same boat, ive done everything possible to “ensure” that he wont use porn, i.e. sexy clothes, keeping fit, role playing, anything n everything, etc, the list can go on, but without fail , it fails…no matter how hard i try, im never enough for him, and thats how i feel, but i keep trying..bc i love him, but if the men loved us so much, wouldnt they stop, bcit hurts us so much? i even tried watching it w him n just focusing on the guys, but guys in porns are not good looking anymore…lol…im stumped.

October 31, 2008 at 12:56 pm
(122) Just a normal guy says:

Porn is normal. Although it can definitely be addicting like anything else. Some people drink some people are materialistic, and some people look at porn. Doesn’t mean that your husband doesn’t love you or that he is thinking about other women when you have sex. Are you thinking about Brad Pitt every time you have sex? You go see his movies because he’s good looking don’t you. How many guys go see a movie because some dumb girl is in it? Hardly worth wasted time. Get off it. Although just as some people drink themselves into holes, porn could lead to infidelity for some. Bottom line, if you ask your husband to stop and he all out refuses even though he clearly sees it bother you, then you should have dated him longer before marrying such an asshole. Marriage is about compromise and if you don’t have that, what do you have? I think many guys look because guys are visual. And lots of times, guys ask for sex and wives act like that is all their husband ever wants, but if he quits asking then something must be wrong with you or he’s not attracted to you anymore. Get off of yourself. Find out what you want and make it known, we can’t read minds. And for those of you who are trying to spark things up with little luck, I’m sorry, your husband is an asshole. My thoughts are, if your wife wants sex and you push her off for long periods of time which sends her into depression because women have low self-esteem and they can’t really help it, then you deserve whatever happens. Whether that is your wife cheating because you are too self absorbed to put out for her or divorce, it’s youre fault as much as hers. But ladies, keep in mind that guys like visuals. And no guy wants you to put out with a frown so if you don’t enjoy yourself, how can we enjoy ourselves. If that was the case, we would just keep looking at porn.

November 1, 2008 at 6:46 pm
(123) sag says:

After reading all the comments on this page and taking in what everyone has had to say, even though I do believe that each situation is completely different from the next, all the women here are dealing with the same feelings of hurt and betrayal.

John P., I thought you had some intelligent things to say but the more you posted, the more I found myself skimming over what you have to say, because to be honest, you started to sound like a stereotypical bitter, middle aged, divorced male. So the intelligent voice started to disappear and the ignorance started to become more apparent.

You point the finger at American culture and American ideals as if they are solely to blame for all the hurt and shame a lot of the women who have posted on here are feeling. Your comments are also degrading to women of other cultures, as I’m sure even the Phillipino and Thai women you are referring to wouldn’t especially care for your comparison to her being “taught” how to please her husband, as if she is a pet of some sort to the man she marries.

It is impossible for a woman to maintain the same figure she had when she was first married after babies and time takes their toll. The problem is that men are conditioned at a young age to be aroused and attracted to a specific type of woman. It is not a “real” woman but a fantastic ideal of a woman that has been perpetrated by the media and embraced by society. The reality is that no woman can live up to that standard of woman and we should not have to.

In your ethnocentrism, you have stressed that the women here don’t know how to please men, or take care of their husbands, and even have been choosing the wrong kind of lingerie! (the European kind you stoopid American women) when in fact, the real issue is not quite as simple as which is the best choice of lingerie.

You, John, do not give any women here solid effective advice that they may actually incoporate into their marriages, you just berate them for what they have not yet learned or have gone out to try to learn. I wonder, precisely, what is your are of expertise, as it is so clearly not couples counseling or marriage therapy.

I find that the real issue here with most of the women that have posted is a lack of confidence. Be it in themselves, their husbands, their family, their marriage or most likely a strong combination of all of the above. I believe that confidence and self esteem start on the inside and work it’s way out. You not only have to be strong for yourself, but you need a strong support network in your life in order to maintain your self image. Sex is usually the area of a person’s life that takes the brunt of stress in any other area. Say work is stressful, a friendship or other relationship is stressful, your children are causing stress, your sex life is ultimately what takes the brunt of the other stressors in your life.

The other issue is the lack of communication. There is always some way of getting another person to open up to you. If the information is important to you, then you need to seek out healthy ways of getting it. What’s important here is not that your husband is looking at porn but WHY he is looking at porn. It is your responsibility to yourself, your spouse, and your marriage to find out.

The vast majority of you will find that it has absolutely nothing to do with how attracted your spouse is to you. Far from it. And you may discover something about yourself or your spouse that you never even knew. And it will open up a gateway of new ways of communication and interaction that you never had before. You will actually be quite relieved to find that it’s not you or how sexy you are or are not. There’s something deeper at play here.

Don’t get me wrong, the lingerie (no matter what kind it is, as long as it’s see through and lacy), the gym, and taking a glance in the mirror before you see your spouse are all good ideas. But they should be done first because it makes YOU feel good, and second because it makes your husband feel good.

November 2, 2008 at 4:30 am
(124) furious says:

I am a newly wed, like two weeks ago i got married newly wed. My husband is a kind hearted sensitive man, but he is also quiet and keeps most things to himself. I found porn on his computer a few months before we got married, i was FURIOUS… he was so embarrassed and torn that his actions had hurt me so badly he actually started to cry. I calmed down after a day or so and talked to him about it a little more, and he promised that he would not look at porn anymore now that he knew’s how it made me feel… a few days ago , I found pictures of women and by women i mean 18-20 years of age in bathing suits but in very provocative poses the title about them saying ” We are Naughty/We are sexy.”It wasn’t women that are all done up with fake breasts either, these are real, every day women–

I got so angry and still am. I am a confident woman who tolerates very little. I grew up with a mom who had a very strong voice, I guess I take after her a bit.

I guess what I’m trying to ask, is there anyway to get him to stop before I give up on him and become totally detached?Mt first instinct is to say.. Well ou obviously just gave me the finger, why should I wait around until you decide you ‘need’ me.

Like a comment above mentioned, this definitely puts our life on hold as far as starting a family and keeping our trust we had in eachother when we said our vows.

I suppose my point of view is , if he can keep gawking at women… Than why am I expected to stay reserved around other men.. He likes giving attention, i like getting attention. All bets off. I’m going to do what i feel needs to fulfill me as well.

I don’t believe in divorce, but I also don’t believe in sharing the sexual part aspect of our relationship either.

Anyone able to give me a strong helpful new perspective? My husband had to go to training the morning after i found these ‘fabulous’ pictures on his computer, so needless to say, these feelings are not resolved and I’m absolutely still resentful towards his lies. I know that he is not a bad guy. That is why I married him , but this whole porn thing may just convince me that I was destined to be an old maid.

Either that, or I’m going to start fullfilling my selfish desires behind his back as well.

November 2, 2008 at 4:40 pm
(125) JJY says:

YES, I AM HAVING THE SAME PROBLEM WITH MY HUSBAND, AND I FOUND ALOT OF THINGS BUT HE WILL NOT ADMIT TO ANYTHING. HE TELLS ME THAT I AM CRAZY BUT I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT HIS SON HAS THE SAME PROBLEM. BUT HE IS GETTING HELP FOR HIS….IT HAS PUT ALOT ON OUR MARRIAGE
HE HAS NOT WANTED TO HAVE SEX AS MUCH AS WE DID IN THE PAST, YES, OUR MARRIGE IS NOT THE SAME…….

November 2, 2008 at 5:12 pm
(126) sag says:

JJY: If you think your spouse may be struggling with addiction, then please encourage him to get help. It is almost impossiblt to overcome addiction without help from a professional. It could save your husband and your marriage.

November 3, 2008 at 2:35 pm
(127) Gary says:

Porn to a guy satisfies a need the same way romance novels satisfy a need in women. Their sexual desires are different, and so the media used to acheive them are different. Men are very visual, and women very aural – hence porn (visual) and romance novels (aural). Women, do you really think you could get your man to understand your love of romance novels? Typically he just accepts it and lets you get the pleasure you derive from them. What’s the difference with porn?

Now both can be disruptive to a fulfilling marriage, especially if your concept of marriage involves controlling what goes on in the spouses head. (hmmm.. maybe that is the root problem – thinking you have that right to control). Anyway, women let the house turn to a dump and lose themselves in romance novels. Men spend hours viewing porn. I truly don’t see the difference. Both take energy away from the relationship. Both overdone are bad. Both satisfy and may be good done in moderation, and both, if used to start healthy conversation could lead to very healthy real life sex with your spouse.

So girls, quit villifying porn until your own mind is all clear of clean of scenerios from novels, and quit blaming the guy while you are being as emotionally unfaithful in novel inspired thought as he is with porn. Then work on bringing both your fantasies into the real world.

November 4, 2008 at 2:17 am
(128) sag says:

LOL romance novels are not only brain cell killers, but rarely EVER been accused or compared to an addictive substance.

There are support groups, hotlines, and therapists that deal with marriages that have broken down because of porn addiction.

Please show me where these romance novels come into play with the divorce rate? Because I’m just not seeing it.

Also, I think you’d have to have the IQ of a doorknob in order to actually ENJOY one of those things. Have you ever seen one? Read a page or two?

My brain cells are committing suicide just THINKING of reading that trash. So give me a break. You’re comparison holds no water because there IS no comparison.

November 7, 2008 at 3:52 pm
(129) JKM says:

When brain cells are all killed by porn, comparing porn to romance novels makes perfect sense.
Gary,
Women reading romance novels are looking for the missing feelings of love, light, inspiration, magic, etc. Do porn users look for the same?

November 7, 2008 at 6:25 pm
(130) celeste says:

I personally think that all men crave more adventurous sex. My husband and I watch porn together and i dont feel threatened by the women at all! I can’t imagine that anyone would actually have such low self esteem to let someone on a movie make them feel threatened! I am 27 and my husband is 10 years older. I certainly have learned most of his sexual desires and fulfill them! I know some married couples that treat sex like a task, which I can’t imagine…have fun with it…make it spontaneous. Put something sexy on including a thong, bend over in front of him and pull it to the side…my man loves it! I think it is both of our responsibilities to keep sex interesting…then who needs porn to see desires carried out???

November 9, 2008 at 10:35 pm
(131) michelle says:

The answer is really simple. 1. men need to evolve. Women are complex and intelligant while most men still act and think on basic first instinct. 2. Stop making this rubbish. No I am not some desperate housewife fyi I am a 23 full time worker about to be married. I cant compete with fake women. It takes away the sacred things in life. God made us human yes we have sex but god also ment for our eyes to see 1 person. Please do not ruin our society any more. The violence is enough lets not let our children go to see the new comedy and there are 23847 sex scences in it very graphic and mostly nude women. 3. The clothing idustry needs to empower every woman. I believe with confidence this wouldnt be as big of an issue. Guys you make your lady feel special and beautiful and confident she will do WHATEVER you want.

November 10, 2008 at 5:23 am
(132) sean says:

I must say I’m really shocked to read all the comments here. I come from an Asian culture that I thought is more conservative and so wrongly assumed women in the Western cultures would be more open towards such issues as porn.

Before I go on, what I write is just a generalisation from my life’s observations. I have no experiences, insights or inclination to comment on addiction, obssessive behaviour, deviant inclinations – beastility, kiddie porn and/or other uncommon behaviour.

Moving on, I particularly relate to what “sag” says. I would like to also relate what I think from my own marriage and situation. I’m married, 2 kids, and sex has never stopped being really good in ten years. It has evolved, it has changed, but generally it has become better gradually.

I think one very important point women are missing is what sag has pointed out – men watching porn, it’s not about how attracted they are to you. This pertains to normal behaviour – watching porn a few times a week for short periods or to masturbate is probably considered fairly normal. I’m a little shocked by women who insist this is unacceptable and consider it an ultimatum. Why is this so severely flawed imho? Well, everyone is wired in a certain way. Men are generally wired in a certain way – and that’s why most of us masturbate at some point in our lives. Can we stop? Probably. What for? To make someone do something for your sake is going into a marriage and saying change or else… That sounds to me like a pretty bad way to enter a marriage? And to hear the comments from women who say their husbands did it before and promised not to and you found them doing it – well, a leopard does not change its spots and you certainly should not expect it to.

Asking a man to stop watching porn when it’s a natural behaviour is akin to saying to him – if you love me enough you will walk on fours. Can he? Probably – but it’s not natural and some of the time he is going to be walking around on twos. I am sorry for people who believe watching porn is immoral, or whatever other negative sentiment – there are many beliefs, religious or otherwise, that try and teach us that porn is bad. If you believe it, and your husband does, then there is no issue. If your husband watches porn, regardless of his or your belief system, then please realise that this is his natural inclination, which again, regardless of your beliefs, is normal.

Putting all of that into perspective, if you are considering getting married, and your man was at some point single, he is probably going to be masturbating to something, and normal tasteful porn is a pretty normal healthy stimulant. Men have short attention span, require lots of audio and visual stimulation and porn is pretty much a natural choice.

So, you meet a man, and it’s probably a given he is using porn. First and foremost, accept it. Make sure you are comfortable with this and it does not affect your self-esteem or confidence. Understand it has nothing to do with you or his attraction to you, unless he’s making love to you and his eyes are glued to the tv. Once you are comfortable with this idea, preferably even excited by watching it together as part of foreplay, then can you move towards being slowly rid of it.

But whilst I say that – I’m talking about a journey where porn becomes less of a stimulant for the man, and the woman becomes more of a stimulant and eventually porn is no longer required. The objective should never be aimed at being rid of it, because then you’ve already set an expectation that needs to be fulfilled. It is about the journey, the challenge of making the love making, and you, better than any porn he can find. I must emphasise – great love-making is a natural 2-way road. You should never aim to please him in everyway he desires unless you are pleased in everyway you desire. Truly, the best encounters are with those whom you have had many intimate encounters to learn more about each other.

I’ve seen a lot of my peers dwindle in sex, stray from marriages, and so on. Before going on to any other issues – I would say there are a few really really important issues to get right in your life.

Having kids can be the end of your sex life, or not affect it at all. Get disciplined, and sort your kids’ sleeping arrangements out early. Both my kids slept on their own from 6 months. Set up video monitors or whatever else to keep your spouse contented. Once your sex life wanes, it takes a lot more to revive it.

Self-esteem. Love yourself, feel good about yourself – what you don’t like do something about. If you’re emotionally dependent, or if you depend on compliments to make you feel good, then there’s a lot wrong with you in the marriage. The best marriages are two confident people who take care of themselves come together and take care of each other. Everyone is busy these days, tired, financially stressed. Make time to sort out these problems. Need less material things and love more of just being together. Make each other want to be a better person for the other.

Recognise that communication and fairness is everything from day one. You give, then do expect something in return – NOT the same as giving with expectations, but do not give endlessly without reward. Don’t like it, talk about it. Talk doesn’t solve the problem? Go for counselling, talk to family and friends and finally if there is no alternative, break up. It’s so sad to see down-trodden people moan and groan about their lives. Take a look in the mirror and see if anyone would fall in love with someone like you – and if you can’t see it, then don’t expect your sex life to be good.

Why all the above stuff? Because if your sex life is great, you wouldn’t be debating over porn. It is often used as foreplay, or to supplement healthy love-making, but all the negative comments I read about betrayal, feeling hurt, threatened – I’m truly saddened by. Our happiness is often driven by our own beliefs, molded by society, people, parents, friends – and it is something you can change. Huge numbers of men in the world watch porn – and when something is so prevalent across all parts of the world, it is very often just our normal inclination. Sure you can fight it, but it comes back to understanding the need for it and the root of why it is prevalent. Is it bad? In most cases, no. So the hurt you feel from your husband doing something which he is naturally inclined and is unlikely to be negative in any way just doesn’t seem very logical.

November 15, 2008 at 2:46 am
(133) Amber says:

I’m 34, been married for 2 years. Found out the hard way that my husband has a few porn dvds and magazines. And after a battle with myself and him I got over it (to an extent), I accepted that he does it, I cannot control it and he doesn’t throw it in my face (i.e. does this mean he hides it from me if I know he is doing it? I dont know). A few days ago I found about 30 pictures of his ex-girlfriend of 7 years. 1 of them having sex and all the rest of her naked or in provacative outfits showing EVERYTHING (lets just say I have seen more of this chick than I care to!). We have both had a very honest relationship and I knew that him and her had done stuff like this but never ever did I think he would still have the pictures. When I confronted him about it he lied and said she had them. I then told him I had seen them and he got all defensive. He then apologised and said he was embarrassed and that is why he lied. I am mortified. When I first asked him why he had kept the pictures he said it was because ‘you know you just keep things’ – when I confronted him 2 days later again to try and find out the truth he said it was for porn. He reckons he didnt know how to get rid of them and yet he says there were double that amount half of which he got rid of? Am I confused? Yes. I am mortified, horrified, disgusted. This is way different to looking at someone you dont know. what is even worse is that he moved countries to be with me..the love of his life and BROUGHT THE PICTURES WITH HIM. In other words he brought HER into our relationship where she has been for the past 6 years. So not only did she muck up their relationship with her promiscuity but she’s ended up destroying ours too! I also wonder why he hates her so much if he doesnt care? I really dont know what to do. I am not really into too much of that sort of stuff and am generally more of a romantic so am not sure whether I am being completely ridiculous or whether I should divorce his sorry butt right now. He is actually one of the nicest people I have ever met but I am not sure I can forgive him for this. I’ve never felt so humiliated or destroyed in my entire life and the worst thing is that I cant talk to anyone about it because its embarrassing for him but even more humiliating for me! Any comments are welcome.

November 15, 2008 at 5:18 am
(134) Amber says:

p.s. he did say he was sorry and that he made a stupid mistake. I asked him if he ever felt guilty when he looked at her pictures (which he reckons has only happened twice – not sure I believe that one bit!) and yet he does not seem to be doing anything to make it better but being overly polite etc. I am not sure what I expect from him but I dont feel he is doing anything to fix this! I keep on thinking what will I tell people when we split up – how embarrassing but then I think why do I care? He must pay. I dont trust a person without a conscience and clearly he does not have one!

November 15, 2008 at 9:39 am
(135) STEVE says:

A Christian’s Point of View

I have three main crutches in life; tobacco, alchahol, & porn. I will talk about porn; however, any crutch you have is just the same as the other as long as it takes away from your relationship with Christ.

Jeremiah 4:14
Oh Jerusalem, wash thine hearts of wickedness, that thou mayest be saved. How long shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee?

Philippians 3: 14
I press toward the mark for the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Romans 7:12
Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey in its lusts thereof.

I don’t mean to be a bible thumper, but come-on, it’s in black and white. Our body is what looks at porn. Our soul is what tells us not too. It is a sin we will be accountable for some time in the future. Just think, Jesus died for us knowing the sins that we committed, commit, and will commit. Simply ask forgiveness and do everything in your power to stop.

Porn is a work in progress for me. I have watched porn many of years. My wife has the same issue as the majority of women above; however, she will watch with me at times. Each time I watch, with wife or not, I get this sick feeling in my gut, that something is wrong. I have always had the idea that watching it together is better than watching alone. How ironic that Adam & Eve ate the apple together and probably felt the same way. We are born with an internal desire to sin, thanks Adam & Eve. That is our punishment passed down long ago. Does that give us the right to sin? Of course not; however, understanding that the desire to sin is in our blood is the first step to stop. I am by all means not perfect, I still watch porn – due to my weaker side. The stronger is at work, continuously letting me know right from wrong. It’ like the old cartoon with the devil on one shoulder and angel on the other, both whispering in each ear at the same time. You must choose, and if you falter, pray, repent, and read scripture. It’s what keeps me going.

Romans 7:24
Oh wretched man that I am! whom shall deliver me from the body of this death?

November 15, 2008 at 9:17 pm
(136) Amber says:

Vince – you are a wonderful man and it’s very refreshing to read your comments. I have always given my husband a lot of freedom and trust and after all of this I feel completely betrayed and why did I bother. I now know how it is that women become bitter towards men after being let down and reading your comments has helped me realise that maybe one day I might trust a man again.

Iparette – good on you! You did the right thing. I understand it must be very hard with kids but I believe they will be far better off in a single parent family than with an unhappy mum. They pick up on more than we think and am sure would love for you to be happy.

November 15, 2008 at 9:55 pm
(137) redd says:

My husband and I run a marriage ministry at our church which includes a mentoring ministry for couples. Since beginning this ministry porn has come up as a problem with many of our couples. I wonder how many marriages are ending because of this, and yet we never know, because the parties are too embarrassed to admit it.
With that said I’ve read most of these posts and notice that the thread has continued on and off for over 2 years, and most of the posts have been one persons stance on the issue. So that leaves me with the question I came with, what can we do about it? The reality is that men feel, for whatever reason, that they need it and that it hurts no one. But the reality is, it deeply affects the wife and the marriage relationship. So, again I ask, what can someone do to heal from this in their marriage? I want to help these couples and have no idea what to say when the wife tells me she can’t trust her husband to not look at it and that she’d rather die than be in a relationship where it exists. Please help me, so I can help others.

November 16, 2008 at 9:36 pm
(138) Michael says:

A lot of men like porn. Either deal with it or leave. My ex tried the ultimatum thing, I basically told her she could pack her things and to not let the door hit her in the behind.

I work six days a week, make good money, take care of the repairs and yardwork, am not a drunk or drug user. She wanted to throw a fit about some porn on the computer. Now she is out of the house and back in her hometown. I am an easy going guy, but I was not going to be lectured to by her, and I CERTAINLY wasn’t going to let her bark out ultimatums.

Don’t like your husband looking at porn? Then file for divorce. It’s time to put up or shut up…

November 17, 2008 at 7:14 pm
(139) Jennifer says:

To Micheal 138 – I am sure your ex is much happier herself. You sound like a real nice guy – NOT! No wonder you are not married. I feel sorry for the women you bait.

November 17, 2008 at 8:06 pm
(140) Michael says:

Thank you for pointing out the obvious, Jennifer. You are very astute in figuring out that, if she wanted to go, and I didn’t care if she went, we are both happier.

Good work on that one.

November 18, 2008 at 4:11 am
(141) Amber says:

I have to agree with Jennifer 139.

Michael – you sound like a bitter twisted divorcee who no doubt found this site looking for porn. Good on ya wife.

November 18, 2008 at 1:49 pm
(142) tiffany says:

first off michael’s ex is lucky she finally got away in time. he sounds like a jerk, but thats neither herenor there. im above in posts 120 and 121, and im now having more intense anger towards this subject. i dunno why i even ask him, but i do, if he masterbated yesterday, bc he does it at work, and he said yes, well, i asked him the other day also, and he said yes, but he didnt use porn, which lastnight he finally admitted was a lie. i decided to show him how much hes hurting me, and went to the court website n downloaded divorce papers n threw my rings at him n told him when he could respect me enough, then to bother….however thats why i did that all in the first place is bc he laughed at me, told me im crazy and said he did think about how id feel before watching it n masterbating, but he decided to do it anyways, knowing it really bothers me. like ive said before, i keep myself in shape, i bust my ass around the house, have dinner made, house clean, and look nice when he comes home from work. i BUST MY ASS! i dont wanna have to do this everyday, bc its not getting me anywhere anyways obviously, but i dont want to totally give up either…when we have sex, its totally amazing he says, and im like a pornstar, so why does he feel the need to watch it anyways, even though he knows it hurts me so much. i was crying, shaking, and hysterical lastnight after he laughed and belittled me. but this am, he tells me, he doesnt know if this is going to work after lastnight. is porn seriosly that addicting and fantastic that it has to come between us like this? i feel that hes “mentally cheating” and given the righgt opportunity, hed cheat on me also. i tried asking how hed feel if i went n used a dildo bigger then him n he said that he wouldnt like that, and that “that was different!” some nerve…..some nerve, how is that different?atleast im not watching some other guy thinking about his cock while i do myself…am i right?????or am i wrong? what do i do after everything totally went downhill lastnight….weve only been married 2 months, n he knew how i felt going into this marriage.

November 18, 2008 at 5:50 pm
(143) Suzanna says:

I think men will justify their porn use with any excuse imaginable. My ex told me he looked at porn because “he was feeling hurt” and on another occasion he told me it was because my thighs were too fat. I am convinced that a man of low moral character will look at porn even if he is married to a supermodel. (think Christy Brinkly)

My pastor told me I should reconcile with my ex because I do not have Biblical grouds to divorce him. (we are currently separated because of this issue) According to my pastor, mental infidelity is not adultery because actual sex did not occur. I asked him, what if my husband hired a prostitute and watched her perform various sex acts for him while he masturbated. Would that be considered adultery?

His answer? No, since no touching was involved. My first thought? He’s probably doing it too.

Face it ladies, we’re fighting a losing battle here. It’s like that jerk said, either put up with it, or shut up. I found the best revenge… stay married to the jerk and give him a taste of his own medicine. There are plenty of men out there who would be thrilled to spend some “quality time” with you and show you what it means to be with a REAL MAN. Why waste your time with a baby who still likes to play with his penis? Show your man the same disrespect he has shown you. Forget the dildos. Tonight, put on your sexiest dress and tell “honey babe” that you’re going out to meet the man of your dreams. If that doesn’t get his attention, nothing will. At the very least, you will still be able to enjoy his paycheck! :)

November 18, 2008 at 9:48 pm
(144) Ben says:

Suzanna, your (so called) pastor is an idiot, and yes, he is probably using porn himself. Sexual infidelity, virtual or not, is grounds for divorce in the Bible. But don’t cheat on him until your divorce is final, if that’s what you decide to do. Otherwise, you’ll also be guilty of adultery and just as culpable as he is. And yes, you are fighting a losing battle, if you’re fighting it without Christ and your husband isn’t saved. For EVERYONE reading this thread, go to http://www.job31one.org and read my Q and A page. Find out what porn is really doing to your marriage.

got porn? you shouldn’t.
http://www.job31one.org

November 19, 2008 at 10:21 am
(145) tm dissapointed says:

Wow. I’m not alone.

I am 40 years old and have been happily married for 17 years. We have three children and are financially stable. I am physically fit, as is my husband. I believe staying attractive to my husband is important, though really it’s a matter of personal pride for me. I’m smart, fairly well-versed in world issues, like sports, have a sense of humor and don’t fit into any of the excuses usually granted to men who surf porn..ie: their wife isn’t this enough or that enough. Our sex life is really good and I am as likely to initiate intimacy as he is.

Recently I discovered porn on my husbands computer–again. We have faced this problem a handful of times over the years with mixed responses and results. Usually there is the knee-jerk denial, then finally an admission only after the proof is undeniable. Here’s the thing. He can never tell my why he does this. I get that men don’t think it’s a big deal but if it’s very hurtful to the woman who has committed her life to you, shouldn’t that be reason enough to curb the behavior?

The biggest challenge in this is the deception. A marriage is an agreement. We have established parameters within which we operate. We agree on standards for child rearing, finances, emotional and sexual expectations. Anytime either of us chooses to act outside those parameters, it’s a breach of trust. If I rack up debt, start beating my children or form a relationship with someone outside my marriage, I should be held accountable. Simple as that. If, as we change and grow, our old agreement doesn’t work anymore, I’m perfectly willing to talk about that and open to negotiations. Sneaking around takes that option off the table. It’s a dirty little secret that makes you question every aspect of your mates commitment and honesty. You can’t help but wonder, “what else are they lying about?.”

Back to the excuse thing–In the past I have wondered what I might have done to cause or prevent this and it took me till now to realize it’s not my problem, it’s his. Understand this ladies–you can never be the one thing that makes porn so enticing and that thing is SOMEONE ELSE.

SO the question remains, how to move forward? I hate being angry all the time. I am not his mother and hate the compulsion I have to constantly check his computer–which is laughable really. There is no shortage of software out there to help someone who is determined to cover their tracks. I do feel like I wouldn’t be so compelled if he were more forthcoming and open with the computer. His reluctance to give up his passwords makes me wonder what he’s still hiding. Also, I’m sure it’s no coincidence that what he admits to is only what I can prove. I think it’s quite likely that this was/is a regular thing for him, but he would never tell me that. I wish I could make him understand that being honest about the extent of this would be difficult for me at first but at least we could have an honest foundation on which to build. Right now I feel like I’m living in a house built on sand.

Do I think he would actually cheat? I don’t think so, but then again, I didn’t think he’d be surfing porn either–although he says he’s not now. Nothing would make me happier than to take him at his word, but I’m just not there yet. I hope to be someday.

One last point. The hardest I think. I love this man. I would never do something that knowingly hurt him over and over again. Have I made mistakes? Sure. And I’ll make more. But INTENT. Intent is what makes this so unbearable. He knows what this does to me. How could he not? I’ve been very plain about it. Yet it continues. So is he stupid? Doesn’t get it? No. He gets it. He just doesn’t care. There’s no other conclusion to draw.

Funny thing. I tried not to care too. I actually decided that this just is what it is and I will not destroy my children’s lives over it. I would go on, head up, and not let this effect me emotionally. I would just assume the worst so as never to be surprised again. It worked for about a day. Like I said, I love him and can’t just put that aside. I guess that’s why I don’t understand why he can. It is such a sad thing. He has a habit of saying “this is not who I am.” Obviously it is. It may not be who he wants to be, it may not be who I thought he was, but it is who he is.

What is the saying?

CHARACTER IS WHO YOU ARE WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING…..

November 19, 2008 at 12:42 pm
(146) Eliza says:

I have to say something here after reading all the comments some of the men have made about ladies needing to exercise, be willing to try exciting sexual positions, blah blah blah about only pleasing the man.

Let’s turn the tables here fellas…what about you? How does YOUR body look? Do you regularly work out? Do you regularly initiate sex with your wife/girlfriend, or is she constantly initiating and you still prefer the porn and masturbation because you’re selfish and only thinking of getting yourself off quickly?

What about her feelings and needs? Have you noticed that she always (some women) keeps in shape, wears sexy lingerie, initiates sex, etc., and you still porn and mb more than taking the time to please her?

Let me make this clear, I see no issues with porn and masturbation. I enjoy it myself at times. The problem arises when the man solely DEPENDS on porn and mb and neglects his wife or girlfriend who has exhausted herself for your attention.

I don’t care about this crap of “men are visual creatures, or when you’re with the same women over time, you need more variety”. How would you feel fellas, if your woman had that same attitude, and therefore neglected your sexual needs (unless you don’t care if she does because you would rather live in a fantasy world), and she constantly depended on porn and mb and only satisfying herself?!

Stop being so selfish, otherwise, why be in a relationship with a woman in the first place! It’s not all about YOU…a couple makes TWO. If you prefer your porn gals and mb to your wife or girlfriend, then get out of the relationship. It’s not fair to her to continue living in a stale relationship sexually, and then making lame excuses that she “needs to workout, needs to wear this and that”. BS! As you have read here, there are MANY of us women who are constantly doing whatever we can to please our men sexually, going out of our way to try and keep it together.

So men…when are you going to start reciprocating and returning what is so rightly deserved in a relationship…otherwise…get out!

November 20, 2008 at 1:46 am
(147) athome says:

this blog was created in 2006 …. over then internet has evolved so much .. now porn is widely available FReE.. sadly not just to adults but kids as small as 8-9 years old ….that shows which direction all of us are going in… the replies have also increased since 2006 … question is it that the women just became aware of this problem now? … or are we seriously having an increase in emotionally intellectually challenged men due to emphasis on sex in every damn thing available these days ?

November 20, 2008 at 4:01 pm
(148) feeling unloved says:

I have been married for 18 years.
I adore my husband. I am the affectionate type. He is not.
We have fabulous sex life when we have it.
I would like it more often, he does not seem interested.
We are both in great shape. We exercise daily together. We are also together 24/7 as we work together.
Pornography was never a real issue. He does get the playboy station on tv , but I have never said anything.
Today I had to borrow his computer and when it came up it was on a porn site. I then looked at his history for this morning and he had been on over 50+ porn sites. I printed them out just in case I need for some reason in the future. He said that he was working on some financial things this morning and he was really visiting virtually every site on the web.
I don’t know what to think. He would rather look at porn than be with me.

November 21, 2008 at 7:21 pm
(149) John P. says:

Michael, just an advice. While I admit tossing your girlfriend out might boost your ego, but it is no different from what she did – it’s the same ultimatum-style reaction. A long-term relationship is about compromise, it’s about working around your personality incompatibilities, and resolving the problems – and there will be A LOT of problems during any relationship. It is generally easier to quit existing relationship than to resolve any significant problem. However the next relationship will also bring problems – and usually new problems are more sophisticated than old ones. Basically if watching porn is critical for you, then reacting in such a way might be the only possible choice. But if it just your reaction to any “ultimatum” – you might want to take a further look there. Generally ultimatums never fix problems in relationship, and this is something two of you could have talked together about. Even though you wouldn’t save your relationship at the end, you’d acquire important problem-solving skills which would help you in further relationships.

SAG, thank you for your post. I would never say I’m going to write intelligent things – after all, people only consider what you say intelligent if that’s what they agree with themselves. Otherwise they’ll call it “biased”, “bitter” and “ignorant”. At least you refrained from sticking labels and name-calling, which means we still could have a civilized discussion, even though we might disagree in our opinions.

My comments regarding relationships in other cultures are based on my own experience. I lived more than 30 years in Europe, and more than five years in Asia, nine months alone in Manila. While there is no way I could be considered an expert in all those cultures, I could definitely see the difference between them (since the difference is HUGE). I understand your offense because you look on those things through your American culture experience. But this is true that in Philippines getting a good husband is still considered a priority for a girl, and “nobody will marry you” is a very negative statement. If you try to tell such a woman that she need to concentrate of being self-sufficient to be able to spend her life without ever getting married, she would not understand what you’re talking about either.

You said that I put some (not all, though) blame for the problems on the American culture and ideals. This is correct. The culture greatly affects the behavior of society members, and studying the cultural issues helps me in some cases to understand the root cause of the problem. The difference is dramatic – for example, in Romania male cheating in relationship is generally acceptable by society as long as “it’s only sex”. In Manila a lot of relationship problems consider from lack of money and living with relatives, and things like obesity problems are almost non-existent. Porn addiction is not a problem there, they have other problems. Same with American culture – most of the problems found here are specific to America, and virtually non-existing outside USA. Again, I admit that my experience is limited, and if you lived abroad for a while, I’d like to get your opinion on the subject.

You tried to twist what I said by saying that it is impossible for a woman to maintain the same appearance after babies and age. However this was not what I said. I said that it IS possible for most people to look good for his or her age, but it will take some effort. For example, my wife looks better after three babies, and she even admits it herself while she’s very criticizing in regard of her appearance. In most cases there is simply no excuse of getting extra 100 lbs after a baby. Yes, it’s not really possible for most people to look twenty in his or her fifties, but it is obviously possible to look good for his or her age. Again, it’s culture-specific. When I came to US, I could hardly believe the person appearance during the marriage could change so significantly that it could actually lead to problems. Well, at this time I was quite naive and if a lady said she got extra weight after a baby, it usually meant extra 6lbs and unability to fit in a short dress she wore five years ago. Again, things are different here, so I would concentrate on physical appearance as well.

During my life I’ve seen a lot of men who do not know how to please women, and women who do not know how to please men. What I usually say is that if two of you do not have open conversation about what you like and do not like in bed, the chance is you do not really know how to please your partner. Which might be the case why your partner masturbates. Of course this conversation should not happen during sex. Most people at this time are afraid to say anything they think would hurt another person. So unless it really hurts they tend to say everything is ok even if it could be done better. The best time in my experience is to talk before or right after sex.

And regarding advice. It is impossible to give a one-size-fit-all advice. Most people already know the basics like you need to talk about it, and to understand the cause to fix it, so they need more detailed and situation-specific advice. However every person situation is different, so should be the advice. What I’m trying to do, besides generic advices, is to suggest what NOT to do, so it won’t get worse until they get real help. Trying to fix a problem in relationship by reading Internet sites usually is no better than trying to cure a sore throat the same way – it’s much safer to just see a doctor.

By the way, did you read #54? I mean, completely?

November 23, 2008 at 1:29 am
(150) anonymous says:

To the people saying watch porn with him and be part of the fanasty- YOU’RE COMPLETE IDIOTS!

I’m white and in my mid-20′s. My husband’s fetish is young asian teens.

Plus, he gained 50 lbs. He is a recovering alcoholic. We are separating because this is too much for me.

November 23, 2008 at 1:48 am
(151) anonymous says:

oops I misspelled “fantasy” lol That’s what happens when I type faster than I think.

November 23, 2008 at 4:12 am
(152) Amber says:

I agree with anonymous. It’s the whole…if you do this then he won’t go and have an affair. What a load of bull. I understand a bit of a release but why should we be rewarding men for not going to find a prostitute or having an affair with someone. If that’s what they want they shouldnt be getting married in the first place!

November 23, 2008 at 11:37 pm
(153) anonymous says:

Thank you, Amber. You’re totally right. Why get married if he is fulfilling his sex fantasies without me? It is unrealistic for him to reject me and then expect me to just abstain from sex. He even objects to my own “alone time” (I don’t use toys or videos or anything). Wtf??? Not to mention that he lies about everything.

So he pretty much wants me to not have any sexual urges, while he is having a field day with asian teen porn. I lost my virginity to him and he is my one and only sexual partner. I feel SOOO cheated out of a proper sex life.

If I had known the bombshells of porn addiction and alcoholism, I would’ve stayed single.

November 24, 2008 at 2:11 am
(154) neglectedwife says:

To all the people who say that these wives are nags or just have low self esteem and should let their husbands look at whatever they want, that they should join in and watch porn with them, or should just try to please their man more often: you obviously have never been married to a porn addict.

It is a disgusting disease. I never had a problem with pornography until i married my husband. but when you beg and beg them to make love to you and they simply are never in the mood, but can sit in front of a computer for 3 hours to look at other people having sex- there is undoubtedly a problem- it is not simply a matter of a woman being too oversensetive. my husand has gotten a lot better and i know he loves me and hates hurting me, but how can i just brush it off as “the way it is” or “something all guys will do!” when i have no love life because his is wrapped up on the computer monitor? it hurts

November 24, 2008 at 1:36 pm
(155) neglectedwife says:

well, i decided to post my story since i can’t really talk about my problem with anybody but my husband, who is the one i have a problem with.

i knew my husband watched porn before we got married and lived together, but i really had no idea how much. then i found out. we never really had a lot of sex but we also had a long distance relationship for the most part before we got married. when i realized how bad it was two weeks before our wedding, i told him that this was not the kind of marriage i was going to have. he broke down and promised to clean off his computer. He did, too. he had me sit there and watch him delete some 700 hours of pornography! he said that if i found something else i would know it was new. he even deleted all of his porn star myspace friends. two weeks after we married i was looking at his new myspace friend category to see if he had added a friend of mine, when i saw a new porn star on there. i had a horrible feeling in my gut and did something i never thought i would. i went into his account and found something that has haunted me ever since. he sent a message to this porn star who turned out to be someone he met when she was a stipper in reno where he’s from. he said “do you do random dates? maybe if you’re in the area sometime i could pay you for some company!” now, we live nowhere near where this girl would ever come, and i know in my heart he would never cheat on me with a living breathing person but asking anyone, even angelina jolie to have sex with you in exchange for money or even for free while you’re married is absolutely not aceptable. i told him what i read, he was of course embarrased and incredibly remorseful and promised he was going to change and stop this porn addiction. it was then that i learned how powerful and real porn addiction is. he has made great strides but still looks. but i know the porn has desensetized him a great deal, as he never initiates sex and it’s only about 1 in 7 times that i initiate it that we actually have sex. i just had a baby 7 weeks ago and while i was pregnant my libido was so great but pregnancy sex freaked him out so i was incredibly unsatisfied the whole time. i would look on the computer to see what he looked at, not to get mad at him for it but i thought if i could get off to the same things that he looked at that in some way we could share a sex life. he doesn’t want to watch porn with me, because he doesn’t want our marriage to be corrupt, but he’s corrupting it all on his own while i’m left unsatisfied. we have very good communication and talk about it often enough as it’s the only real problem in our marriage. he is the love of my life and if i didn’t really believe that we could get past this addiction i wouldn’t still be here. i have no faith in men generally but i truly trust my husband. we have been going to church which seems to make our marriage stronger and he is going to see a counselor that they have there about is problem. he listens to christian radio and tells me that they’re always talking about how porn addiction in america is an epidemic and how it’s tearing couples apart all the time, i know we both worry about this. i am repeatedly hurt by him and if i go a while without telling him i start feeling resentment. but the moment i open up to him it feels like it’s not just his problem or my problem- but OUR problem that we can work on together. things do feel better lately but it’s just now that i am reaching out to the internet and finding out how many other people have this problem. it’s comforting to know that i am not just some freak wife whose husband doesn’t want her.

November 24, 2008 at 3:27 pm
(156) suzanna says:

Anonymous,

Your comments have been the best I’ve read thus far! Indeed, you hit the nail on the head when you said,

“It is unrealistic for him to reject me and then expect me to just abstain from sex.”

This is the end result for any woman who knowingly tolerates porn use.. forced celibacy. While at the same time the husband continues to enjoy a very active sex life… in his mind!

We didn’t sign up for this when we said our vows. I for one looked forward to an active sex life when I got married almost 21 years ago, and I too felt cheated of one of life’s most enjoyable pleasures.

Sadly, married men who choose porn and fantasy to their wives have no idea what they are in for if they keep it up. Many wives will patiently tolerate the husband’s lack of sexual interest as a result of their obsession with porn.. I did for 15 years.. but eventually, we get tired of begging.

Nobody was more surprised than I was to discover that here were other men out there who actually knew how to treat a woman right. I had no idea how much I had been missing being married to this loser. I wasn’t looking for a new relationship. Fact is, I was still pathetically trying to get the love and attention I needed from a man who simply had no idea how to love and cherish a woman. It’s the same old story.

Six year later, I am still happily involved with the man of my dreams. By the way, this man does not use porn… ever. He doesn’t have to, because he is too busy making love to me!

I have yet to cut my husband loose, and some people might judge me for this because I am unapologetically using him for nothing more than his big, fat paycheck. By making a cuckold out of him, I am showing him the same disrespect he has shown me for the past 20 years.

Oh, and Ben, I know that most Christians would consider this adultery, but I am not cheating on anybody. My husband knows that I am carrying on a committed, monogamous relationship with another man and he could care less. In fact, they quite like eachother. I will not divorce my husband because I am not giving up what is rightfully mine, namely, his paycheck.

So here’s what I have to say to all the married men out there who are selfishly using porn and cheating their wives out of an enjoyable, fulfilling sex life: How long do you think your wife is going to put up with your lack of attention? Because it’s only a matter of time before your wife meets someone who makes her feel beautiful and appreciated, and you will be the last man on earth she will be interested in. This is what you have to look forward to if you don’t stop what you are doing RIGHT NOW and start paying attention to your woman. Believe me, there are still plenty of fine men around who would like nothing more than to show your wives what it’s like to be with a real man who knows how to make a woman feel loved and appreciated. Don’t believe it will happen to you? Then just wait and see.

“Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned”

November 25, 2008 at 2:37 am
(157) sag says:

Sean – you make some interesting comments but I would like to clarify a few things, first. One, there is a fine line between a natural desire to feel good and fulfill physical needs and addiction to porn that is demeaning and just plain nasty. I think that the two questions that determine the difference between the two is one, what kind of porn is being viewed, and two, how often. SPEAKING GENERALLY, porn often degrades women and females in a way that I believe promotes stereotypes and subconscious negativity in the mind of males. Unfortunately, there is most likely a very limited selection of pornography that is solely intended for couples, that doesn’t come across as a documentary and is arousing for both males and females. The porn industry should really get to work on that. I think that porn could certainly be another tool used between a couple to enhance their sex life. However, this is where the situation seems to get a little sticky. And this is where I do agree with the latter parts of your post, kids can be the be all or end all of your sex life, depending on the choices you make as a couple and your motivation to keep it going. Also, communication is a large part of establishing confidence and self assuredness within relationships.

Micheal – John is absolutely right. You responded to an ultimatum with an ultimatum. Good work there.

John P.- What bothered me the most about your latter posts were that they were written in an entirely different way than the earlier ones. You are right about individual perspectives and in our own ways we are all ignorant. I did not like the way you insinuated more than once that women in this country just didn’t know how to please a man, wear the correct lingerie, or stay attractive enough for their husbands. Insinuating that it was the fault of these women here for their partner’s virtual cheating.

It disturbs me when people’s feelings are belittled based on which culture they originate from. I feel that although you make a valid point about it being the biggest influence on our behavior, those that live in one culture their entire lives, have no other choice. They don’t realize they don’t have a choice, because they don’t know differently, as huge as that difference may be. So it’s a negated point, pretty much.

My experience living abroad is extremely limited, (I have none ha), I consider myself somewhat aware of various cultures because it is something that provokes great curiousity from me. I lived for a few years with a Russian girl who was my age, and was very close with her family. I also worked closely with a family of Romanians and worked again with a Greek family for a long period of time. I have yet to meet a Romanian male or female that feel that cheating is okay as long as it’s “only sex.” Aside from the religious rites and practices and their daily conventions being different from American culture, the feelings about infidelity remain the same. The cultures that I have been exposed to here in America (though do NOT consider themselves American) that believe in monogamous marriage, never think infidelity is okay. Though their definition of infidelity may vary.

Yes, I did read 54, all the way through. I didn’t start to think you sounded ignorant until further postings when you just seemed to want to bash American women.

Suzanna – I feel deeply and truly sorry for you because you must be a very, very, very sad woman on the inside. It is unfortunate that your sadness has led you to become a glorified hooker. It’s unfortunate because women like you give women like me a bad rep. I could not find happiness in a marriage purely for monetary reason. If you are unhappy, you should seek what it is that will make you happy because as much as you say you enjoy your situation, it must be very difficult finding pleasure in staying in a marriage purely for the paycheck. I find your behavior dispicable and it makes me feel better about myself, knowing that I have morals high enough to keep me above the muck your slopping around in.

November 25, 2008 at 1:46 pm
(158) suzanna says:

Sag, you’re absolutely right about one thing… I used to be very, very sad on the inside- back when I was in love with a man who loved porn more than he loved me. It took me a long time to realize I deserved better than what I was getting out of the marriage. It was only out of desperation that I decided to pursue a new relationship. Before I decided to look elsewhere for love, my husband was the love of my life. Unfortunately his selfish obsession with porn destroyed the love we once had. Of course I knew when I chose to stay married to a man I no longer loved just for his money, there would be many who would stand in judgement of me, but glorified hooker?? Wow. Didn’t see that one coming. Thanks for the brutally honest assessment of my character. So I suppose it would have been better for me to sit around and feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life because I was married to a porn addict who hardly noticed my existence? Truth be told, I spent 15 years of my life tending to his needs and taking care of our kids, while at the same time putting my own needs aside. I do not regret my decision to be a full-time wife and mother- but I do regret putting myself in the position of being completely dependent upon a man- or should I say this man- for my financial security.

I know some people might not agree with my choices, and that’s okay. I wish I could move on with my life, but right now, it’s not like I have any other choice but to stay in the marriage for financial support. The man I am currently involved with simply does not have the income to support a family of four.

Sag, I’m so happy that reading my comments made you feel so much better about yourself :)

November 26, 2008 at 1:03 am
(159) Amber says:

I’m thinking for Suzanna to be a ‘glorified hooker’ she would surely have to actually be sleeping with her no good porn addict of a husband. Am I wrong…isnt prostitution about receiving money for something…i.e. sex?

Suzanna was very honest about her situation and said that everyone may not agree with it. I know too many women who have spent years (i.e. 30) bringing up children who have cheating husbands they cant leave because the husbands refuse to pay them a cent because apparently they haven’t actually worked (apparently bringing up 3 children isnt work)!

Good on your Suzanna – after all it’s not like your husband doesn’t know about the situation. He is choosing to accept it.

November 26, 2008 at 4:58 pm
(160) Jennifer says:

Its true what joe said you woman are a bunch of selfish wives that are insecure about yourselves. Do you really think you husband loves those fake girls in a porn video? Do you think those girls are “Wife Material”? Come on! Look I’ve Been married 5 years now at first I used to hate my husband watching porn I used to think those girls were better than me it used to make me feel insecure. We even split up a couple weeks because of that we sat down before we filed for devorce we talked out everything he told me he loved me more than anything in this world and that he really didn’t want to split up. I still loved him so we both talked it out blah blah i learned that men have there fetishes and we have are’s. I think now our whole fight was just plain stupid. We watch it togther and to tell you the truth I really enjoy it now! Now he dosnt go behind my back to watch it and i feel safe trust me if you think he really really stoped watching it he didnt he is still going behind your back I say its better if he watches it with me, So ask your self this question Do you want to drive your man to a Porn Viewing both or even worse him cheating? Any one got something else to say?

November 26, 2008 at 7:16 pm
(161) anonymous says:

Jennifer- you are blatantly ignorant.

My husband doesn’t want to watch it together. He doesn’t want me to have ‘alone time’ either.

These are my choices:
1. Forced celibacy
2. Doing ALL the work during sex and always initiating

The bottom line is that he gained 50 lbs and he views real sex as exercise. He is too lazy to do it. He wouldn’t have an affair, not just because he loves me, but because he is TOO LAZY FOR REAL SEX. TOO LAZY FOR INTIMACY. TOO LAZY TO MOVE HIS PELVIS.

Does that clear things up for you?

November 26, 2008 at 7:20 pm
(162) anonymous says:

In addition to that, his porn viewing is only 2-3 times a month. He’s too lazy to do it more than that. I’m not even sure if it’s an addiction as much as it is laziness.

November 26, 2008 at 7:52 pm
(163) neglectedwife says:

jennifer, why are you so angry at us “selfish wives”? Why does it make you so angry that we are unhappy that our husband don’t have sex with us? You seem to be very aggressive about the subject. If you and your husband are truly happy and porn isn’t a problem with your marriage then why are you even on here?

November 26, 2008 at 9:21 pm
(164) Amber says:

I have to agree with 162 and 163 – very aggressive Jennifer.
In addition to that I am not sure where the ‘selfish’ comes into all of this.

November 29, 2008 at 2:32 pm
(165) suzanna says:

Thank you so much Amber, and God bless you. You are truly an angel.

Jennifer, where do you get off calling those of us who are unwilling to tolerate porn “selfish and insecure”? You have some nerve pointing the finger at those of us who expect our man to treat us with respect and honor. The fact that you claim to enjoy porn says everything about your own character, and proves how far you’ve been willing to stoop to please your man. You can have your porn, but I will always have my self-respect.

Any dirtbag who uses porn to enhance (or replace) real intimacy with their chosen love-partner is not only selfish and insecure, but a complete imbecile. Porn is one of the stupidest things ever created by man. It is purely lowbrow garbage entertainment produced by imbeciles for imbeciles. You can tell a lot about someone by the type of entertainment they prefer, and porn is no exception. I feel really sorry for all you people who think porn is such great entertainment. I’ve seen this garbage, and I always wonder why anyone would choose to look at such mindless filth when it has no redeeming value whatsoever. I used to think people looked at it simply to satisfy a curiousity, the way I used to look through National Geographic magazine when I was a kid just to see the naked Ethiopians. But what I will never understand is why anyone would keep looking at porn once they’ve seen it, to the point of becoming “addicted” to it.

Not only is porn boring, it’s the same thing over and over again, only with different faces. It’s fake, and incredibly meaningless. In fact, it’s downright depressing when you think about it. It reduces something special God created to be shared only between two people who love eachother to nothing more than the animalistic act of “getting off”. In the end, the pathetic consumer of porn is so consumed by lust that the only thing that matters to them anymore is satisfying that lust any way they can, even if it means humping the family dog (or worse, a child!!) Everything else becomes secondary- including their wife and kids.

I think most porn-addict husbands lie and placate their wives so that they can continue their compulsive porn habit. These guys have no intention of giving up porn, and they are oblivious to the misery they are inflicting on their wives and families. My husband was certanly no different. A typical porn addict, I tried everything I could think of to get his attention, to no avail. Even when I began seeing another man, he could care less. It just gave him more free time to indulge his porn habit without having to hide it from me. Even internet filters didn’t stop him. He simply ordered pay-per-view porn on TV.

I finally got tired of putting up with the games, and his constantly playing the victim in order to justify his habit. I was tired of being blamed for his shorcomings and character flaws. A classic porn addiction game is the desperate tactic of Ďblame the wifeí. Itís a cruel game that husbands play to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior. My husband emotionally tortured me for almost 20 years. No woman should have to go through the heartache and misery I went through. After I discovered the extent of my husband’s secret activities, I felt distant and detached right away. It was like a cold, numb shock, like you would feel after a death. I just didn’t want anything to do with this man I thought I knew and trusted. Not only did he have no respect for me, he had no respect for himself. His selfishness drove me to a place where I didn’t care what he did anymore. He’s on his own now, and I am finally free from this neglectful and demoralising situation.

Clinically, porn ďaddictionĒ is only a symptom of something deeper and more serious. Men who use porn for sexual relief, especially those who prefer it to their own wives, are suffering from a deep seated fear of intimacy that has its roots in childhood. It is a form of sexual dysfunction which usually starts just as a relationship begins to get serious. A fear of intimacy is usually caused by an ďattachment disorderĒ

Men who have this disorder (which is probably half of all the men in the U.S., judging by recent statistics) do not realize what is going on. They just find themselves beginning to feel uneasy whenever they get too close to a woman. After being married for a while, a man who has this disorder will begin withdrawing from his wife to seek sexual relief through masturbating to porn alone or visiting prostitutes, or having one night stands.

So if you are with a man like this, you might as well give up on him, because he’s probably never going to change. Ben, you are the exception to the rule.

November 29, 2008 at 9:28 pm
(166) hurtgirl says:

Men are pigs, and the only thing they respond to is if we throw it back at them. Get a bunch of “toys” (even if you don’t use them). Let him discover them but play secretive about them. Then act like it’s your private secret addiction and turn it around onto him. Let him be the one who feels inadequate and left out and see how long he puts up with it. But I’d bet most women wouldn’t do that because we’re not crappy scumbags like most men. What a backwards friggin world we live in, huh?

November 29, 2008 at 10:32 pm
(167) sag says:

Suzanna: Let me ask you, how much do you know about addiction? How much counseling have you and your husband been through? Since you both have decided that the relationship isn’t worth salvaging, tell me, have you gone back to school? Have you started a business? Gotten a certification, raise, or promotion? What have you DONE to better YOURself so that you can show your kids how not to be stuck in the same situation? How much of your unhappiness have your children been witness to, not to forget your affair as well? What kind of values and morals regarding relationships do you think you’re bestowing upon your children? Your situation has left you extremely bitter and resentful and to be honest, I fear for your children’s emotional well being as they enter their adult lives. You are one of many perpetuators of a vicious cycle. And I am not saying that the blame lays solely with you, but you are the one who has chosen to stay. Your husband has clearly made his choice.

And God bless Amber? She’s an angel? Cause she posted a couple of comments that agreed with you? Gimme a stinkin break! First off, God has nothing to do with your infedlity and your lack of ability to leave the teat your sucking on called your husband’s wallet. God has nothing to do with the fact that you are most likely setting your children up for failure as well in their own marriages in the future. God has NOTHING to do with the fact that you are married to a man for his paycheck while breakin a piece of it off for someone else! Women like you and Amber infuriate me because you want to whine, whine, whine about your situation but you don’t DO anything about it. But God bless you all! God has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!!!Granted, your husband doesn’t sound like he’s very commited to making your relationship work, but don’t sit on your ass and stay in it because wah, wah, wah, you can’t support a family and wah, wah, wah neither can your boyfriend. My mother had five children by the time she was 25, no job, no education, not even a high school diploma. She left my father and divorced him, persued her GED and went to work for the public schools. I wish my mom had cashed in on more opportunities because she’s a very intelligent hard working woman, but unfortunately, she did not. But she didn’t stay in a loveless marriage to an addict, either. Can, or will, your children be able to say that about you in the future? What kind of legacy are you leaving them? Are you a mother to be proud of? Because trust me, when they get older, the fact that you sacrificed your life and stayed home to raise them isn’t going to carry one iota of meaning to them.

I highly suggest you start researching addiction and what it truly means to be addicted. It affects MILLIONS of American’s and I will say it is one of the most difficult diseases to overcome. It is inherent, genetic, and learned and there is no cure. All of the things you have said about your husband are not specific to porn, they are specific to ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOR. He could be on heroin, crack, or an alcoholic and the behavior would be the same. It is a selfish disease and does not recognize love or caring. It does not recognize intent and until they are ready to try to quit, they do not recognize fault. It does not mean he doesn’t CARE, Suzanna, it means he CANT STOP. If you have four children, statistics say that one of them will become an addict. And every family member plays a key role in sustaining and maintaining the addiction of the addict. It’s called codependency and there are five different roles that family members play. You should find out which one YOU are. The more you learn about it, the better off you will be if your children start to develop the same symptoms of the disease. Arm yourself with the knowledge because it’s the only way you, and them, can get better.

http://www.hopelinks.net/addiction/family/roles.html
This web site lists the various roles family members play in addiction. I would also look into finding a NARANON group nearest you. (Or google for a sex-anon near you, they are harder to find, though) They are free meetings for family members that deal with addiction in their family. It helps understanding a little more about the hurt you’ve felt and you will be relieved to hear that other people are going through it, too. I’ve been through what you’re going through and your marriage may be beyond repair, but you still need to heal yourself. Learning about addiction will help you in getting some closure, mostly if he’s not willing to get help or thinks he doesn’t have a problem.

Jennifer: Your post is very childish and rude. That in addition to the fact that you’ve been married five years tells me that you’re probably pretty young and don’t even have a clue yet. Just because some women refuse to participate in “Porn Viewing” like you are does not make them selfish or insecure. In fact, SHOULD a wife participate in watching porn with her husband, THAT would make them insecure and selfish. Not trusting your husband to do the right thing, (i.e. putting the porn away when their wife admits it makes them uncomfortable or they don’t agree with it), assuming he will cheat if the wife does not indulge in his dirty secret with him, and basically doing something you don’t agree with in the first place, are all strong indications that you’re not very secure in yourself and you sure aren’t secure in your marriage. It would make them selfish because they would not want to subject themselves to the feelings they felt before when it was being kept from them. So they make it okay by watching it with them, even though it’s not what they really want to do.

Hurtgirl: Men are not pigs. They do not think along the same lines as women do which causes conflict in relationships. It does not make them pigs. It makes them DIFFERENT.

December 1, 2008 at 2:14 am
(168) neglectedwife says:

go check out “fireproof” in theaters now. it’s a movie about building a strong marriage. the husband in it has a porn addiction!

December 1, 2008 at 9:24 am
(169) suzanna says:

I don’t know how anybody could fault me for staying married to a man who made a vow 20 years ago to love and support me for the rest of his life. I wasn’t the one who broke the vow to be faithful, he was. I’m just trying to make the best of a lousy situation.

Sag, I’m really sorry about your mom. That must have been very difficult for her, and for you. As a mom, I could only imagine how difficult a choice that must have been for her to make. I guess I’m just not that courageous. I put my kids first above all else, even above my own needs for freedom and fulfillment. Before this devastating discovery, my family was everything to me. I hope someday my kids thank me for holding it all together and keeping their home intact. I suppose some people would fault me for not “bettering myself” and being more independent, but I’m not sorry that I devoted myself to the care and nurture of two of the most important people in my life- my kids. Maybe to some people my choice to stay home and be a mother to my children has little redeeming value, but I know it’s the most important job in the world. Why should I go back to school or get a job when I am already well educated and my husband makes enough money to support all of us comfortably for the rest of our lives? And where would I find the time, between homeschooling my two kids and managing a busy household? Is this not a worthwhile endeavor?

Once upon a time I had a good job, and I made loads of money, but I gave it all up to stay home and be a housewife and mother to my two kids. I chose to make this sacrifice, and just because my husband didn’t hold up his end of the bargain, I have no intention of doing the same. In fact, I have every intention of holding him to his obligations to me and the kids. If he doesn’t like the arrangement, he can always leave. I still get the house, the kids, and half of his paycheck. That’s the law here in North Carolina. As for my “boyfriend”, he is retired and lives on a fixed income so he couldn’t support me and my kids even if he wanted to. Good thing he doesn’t have to.

As for this issue of porn addiction.. I think it’s a load of crap. It’s sin, pure and simple. Men who are obsessed with pornography are motivated by their uncontrolled lust and a selfish lack of self-control. Calling it an addiction is nothing more tha an excuse that men use to justify their behavior, rather than calling it what it really is, complete moral and spiritual depravity. No amount of counseling can change a man’s character. Only God can do that.

Here’s the bottom line- if a man wants to use porn, he has every right to do so, but he should not expect his wife to accept it nor tolerate it. If he decides to use porn knowing full well that it is sinful and destructive to his marriage, he should be man enough to accept the consquences.

December 1, 2008 at 9:40 pm
(170) Jennifer says:

im not being aggresive with anyone. Its just sad how all you woman treat your husbands like children your not there mothers. All of you what you are is a bunch of selfish controlling freaks with no self confidence get a life and move on.I feel bad for the husbands that are married to you. Stop mixing religion with sex. There is nothing more beautiful than having your husband coming to you and telling you the truth about everything. Your husbands go behind your backs and watch porn because if they tell you .youll treat them like 2 year olds.come on. what century are we living in all men are going to be the same no matter what religion.lol. Good luck to all your realtionships

December 2, 2008 at 9:33 am
(171) suzanna says:

The reason men lie and sneak around behind our backs to look at porn is because they knows it’s wrong. It all boils down to respect for one’s spouse. If you have to sneak and lie about it, you shouldn’t be doing it… period.

December 3, 2008 at 8:30 am
(172) Man1978 says:

Dear All,
This discussion has become really big and rich and I saw many of you arguing on own view points. I would like to share my own experiance.I have started masturbation at the age of 11. Now I am 30 and still do it. After my marriage 4 years ago, immediately my wife came to know about my bad habits and the immediate reaction was breakdown. She became so negative and sick. I love her a lot.. so I promised her to stop this habit. I tried so hard but I could not control sometimes but I keep it hidden to my wife. Earlier I was masturbating more than 10 times in a week and now it is less than 5 times in a month but I could not stop it completely. I am now taking every care to hide the truth from my wife as I am not masturbating at home but do it at my office toilet. I do not watch porn at my laptop but used to watch in my mobile gprs and deleting the history. My wife believes that I have stopped all this.. I am so sorry to her. I really want to stop this frustrating habit.. and I want to love my wife more and more.

Dear female friends, your husbands with this habits also may be very good by hear and they are loving you but unable to stop this deadly habit as we desire. Help them by understanding and loving…

December 3, 2008 at 10:23 am
(173) Confused says:

In the last two years I have learned that my husband views porn. He views for short periods. At first it really upset me. However, I have learned to stay open minded and expressed that we explore it together. He agreed. On a few occasions we viewed clips together Ė that was only on my request. I now learn that he agrees just to get me of his case. Recently whilst making love, I pleaded for him to show/involve meÖ.so we viewed it together. I felt excepted and didn’t mind. I enjoyed it because he was not hiding anything… no secrets. I’d like to think I am a confident person. But my husband having secrets makes me feel insecure. I think I will give him an excuse to walk away from me. So I hate myself and begin to blame myself for everything! So really I am not that strong. Why do we love someone so much? Why do we give everything to one person? I have two lovely children. I have an amazing family. Inside I feel bitter twisted, trying to hide my feelings. But at times I lash out. My husband never wants to talk about it. Iím left to ask and answer all my questions. What happens to trust???

December 3, 2008 at 5:05 pm
(174) Jennifer says:

We all sin and were not all perfect. We all keep secrets at some points in our lives, Men keep porn secrets because there afraid of there wifes reactions and i think every guy in general is the same even if they say there not doing it anymore. My best advice is try to understand them and try to be alittle open minded. help them, dont just go and devorce them. Because I think that even woman sometimes are B****es. We all like to look at some point of our lives to. When we see on T.V a hott guy we look it dosn’t mean we dont love our husbands, Our eyes were created to look and not to hide. If you don’t look then put a paperbag over your head.lol. Please understand your husbands don’t just think there sick perverts because there not and if you think your husband is a sick discusting pervert them divorce them and turn lesbian. Because bottom line guys will be guys no matter what century were in. And woman will be woman. Even woman enjoy porn. And for comment (173): Confused: Don’t give him a excuse to walk away from you. Guys never want to talk about anything lol. And dont blame yourself either. Even we keep secrets we dont always tell our husbands everthing. Life is not perfect and it will never be.

December 3, 2008 at 9:06 pm
(175) someone says:

In these discussions we always see a lot of…

1) Women who want to have sex, workout to stay in shape, but are sexually frustrated because their husbands would rather do porn.

2) Men who do porn because their wifes rarely or never want to have sex anymore.

Why do we rarely hear from the men with hot horny wifes who would rather do porn than real sex, or the women who have no libido and don’t feel their husbands should have one either?

December 4, 2008 at 4:31 am
(176) anonymous says:

I’m the one that wants sex, but my husband gained 50 lbs and getting off to porn 3-4x a month was physically easier/less work.

It just never occurred to me that it is more difficult for a fat person to engage in sex because of their size and because they get winded easily.

I started increasing my ‘alone time’ and browsing ‘toys.’ He was really upset (hypocrite lol). But he has started to make more of an effort and initiating. So things are improving. We’ll see.

To whoever said ‘how are you improving you?’ – I graduated from a top school and I’m more accomplished than all the men that have posted thus far. And Jennifer too, of course, haha.

December 4, 2008 at 3:00 pm
(177) HotPornGirl says:

you woman are bunch of freaks. your husbands watch porn because of beautiful woman like me.Get a life!!!PORN RULES AND MEN WORSHIP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE PORN AND I LOVE MEN TO WATCH MY PORN. ANY TAKERS?

December 4, 2008 at 4:22 pm
(178) neglectedwife says:

i doubt you’re really a porn star, you’re probably just someone trying to stir up some trouble on the internet because you don’t really have a life to speak of.

December 4, 2008 at 4:24 pm
(179) neglectedwife says:

i doubt you’re a pornstar, you’re probably someone who enjoys porn and is trying to stir up trouble up on the internet because you don’t have a life to speak of outside of porn.

December 4, 2008 at 4:30 pm
(180) HotPornGirl says:

for your information i am a porn star I may not work for playboy but i do work for the porn industry. JEALOUS? I bet your husband has seen me millions of times. and I bet he enojoys masturbationg to me,I dont have to stir up anything, I really dont give a sh** if you dont belive me I have nothing to prove to. Now I see why you call yourself “Neglectedwife” It should be more like “MrsBoringatsexwife” LOL. THATS WHY HE ENJOYS WATCHING ME BETTER. Much Love,HAHA.

December 4, 2008 at 5:04 pm
(181) HotPornGirl says:

Oh…. And (Jennifer)I agree with you with everything you said is the truth let the guy have some fun….. And alittle advice to the insecure wifes, Buy some striper cloth buy a couple of striper heels buy a couple of porn videos, Wear the cloth and surprise him with the porn movies and I GUARANTEE he will be soooooo happy he will never go behind your back….. (BE HIS DIRTY LITTLE SLUT) guys love that, your men didn’t marry NUNS they married a woman so role play have fun with it and you’ll see that all of you will come back and agree.Another word of advice stop going so much by a bible, Religion has nothing to do with sex. BY THE WAY (Niglectedwife)Iam in the cover of (XFACTOR) Video SUNXF 4-09 Volume 9 look for it. And LOL give it to your husband! And (annoymous) if your husband gained 50 pounds is because his a lazy fatass!!! Because there something call “DIETS” and “GYMS” tell him to learn how to use them!!!

December 4, 2008 at 5:46 pm
(182) neglectedwife says:

if you were really a porn star you wouldn’t be going to a porn and marriage blog to try and make married women feel bad about themselves. whomever you are, you are not very smart.

December 4, 2008 at 6:17 pm
(183) HotPornGirl says:

First of (neglectedwife) I go to which ever website I want because thats why I pay Internet. Second of all I came here to give Advice to pathetic woman like you advice, So you don’t end up losing your husbands. So you should be THANKFULL! ITS FUNNY how you woman kill yourselfs over something so meaningless. LOL porn will always be around no matter what you woman think and husands will watch them no matter what you think. LOL your husbands pay me to watch me and I LOVE IT! MOVE ON WITH YOU LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUGS N KISSES
LOVE: Dymond

December 4, 2008 at 6:32 pm
(184) Jennifer says:

Lets not go now to the extremes. What a dumb fight. Why does everyone have 2 be so darn cruel? No one has no respect anymore.And then they call me childish,w/e. I say move on with your lives and stop arguing and calling each other names. Last thing i gotta say on this page stop acting like kids and stop prohibiting your husbands from dumb stuff. One last question, has any woman masturbated behind there husbands back? Because if you said no then go Join the Nun League.

December 4, 2008 at 9:02 pm
(185) Jennifer says:

First of all to the stupid comment (anonymous 176: I can assure you I graduated at a prestige school also and I paid for my education And I can assure you I made something out of my life, I also have a degree. Your the pathetic one on this webpage complaining about your life and how your husband gained 50 pounds because he didnít want to have sex with you ok.Its sad you talk about your husband not having sex with you but you turn around and start talking sh** about him, Iam perfectly happy Financially, And Emotionally and I donít go to a stupid website complaining about my life and making people feel sorry for me. So go to a psychiatrist and get help. Thats what I hate about people, you try to help them and they turn around and start talking cr*p and showing off. Got something else to say (Annoymous)any more smart remarks? And to ALL the woman coming to this webpage talking all that shi*, Why don’t you go to your husbands and talk to them and if that didn’t work FILE FOR DIVORCE. plain and simple, Stop making the world feel bad for you, And now hate me all you want for talking the truth. And (anoymous) no one cares what school you went to or what you graduated in so quit rubbing it in peoples face because it just makes YOU look Ignorant.!

December 5, 2008 at 8:08 am
(186) suzanna says:

Let’s not dignify any of Jennifer’s ignorant, hateful remarks with a response. She is only here to start a flame war. Jennifer, get a life!

I was wondering, since many of us post on this blog regularly, would anyone else be interested in starting an online support group for wives of porn addicts?

December 5, 2008 at 8:13 am
(187) Man1978 says:

Dear Hotporngirl..You are really spicy.. and interesting.. but here we husbands are wifes are trying to find a soulution to our life. I agree with you that men admire pornstars.. because they are sexier than wives and there is a choice according to our dream figures..Okay..I came in this discussion to better know similar people and try to extract a solution because I want to quit watching porn and masturbating by heart. I agree to your advise to wives- to become more sexy.. but they cannot be like porn stars, otherwise there will not be any difference between pornstars and wives.. Wife is wife and one and only for their husbands. Here women have many probles- why they cannot be sexy.. For example, my wife is very very sexy when she want sex.. but not always when I want.. It is because of her clinical conditions.. a state due to prolonged hormaonal treatments. She may or may not return to her original sexy wife form but I may have to wait .. wait .. and wait. Here I am impatient.. so I watch porn and do masturbation.. I realize this is not good for any reason. I feel hurt and lost once the momentory enjoyment is over. I am unable to concentrate on my work and I feel guilty at home. I want to live a better life. I am confident, I can quit this habit.. but sometimes.. I do mistakes. I am sorry for that.

Hey.. this conversation has become really big to read.. anyone wish to continue more closer personal discussion may mail to me at dangerous.cobra@yahoo.com.

Bye.. Bye..

December 5, 2008 at 11:43 am
(188) suzanna says:

I was thinking more along the lines of a moderated forum, like a yahoo group. The problem with open forum message boards and blogs(such as this one)is that often times people will post unkind remarks directed towards the other posters (flaming)

Nobody needs some ignorant fool putting them down for being honest and expressing what’s on their mind and heart. It’s unfortunate that there are so many nasty people in this world. To those who enjoy tearing other people down just to make yourselves feel better, one day you will reap what you sow.

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.

For the one who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit shall from the Spirit reap eternal life.

And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all men, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.” Galatians 6:7-10

December 5, 2008 at 11:52 am
(189) suzanna says:

Man1978,

Read Ben’s comment (144) then go to his website:

website edited / security flagged

Read Ben’s personal testimony and how he overcame his addiction to porn and masturbation. With God’s help, you can overcome your problem with lust.

Take care & God bless you,
Suzanna

December 5, 2008 at 4:13 pm
(190) lovedwife says:

I am very much loved by my husband, but just found out that he has been watching porn, but likes older women in porn. I have been a a bit dumb struck by it and dont really know how to take it, it hurts but I am also unable to say anything.
Help!!!!!!

December 6, 2008 at 5:54 pm
(191) Jennifer says:

LOL, yes SUZANNA lol there hateful remarks but there the honest truth. And no guy over comes the addiction with porn, they will eventually go right back to it. and (lovedwife) its okay to be strucked by it, I was once to, Just talk to him about your feelings towards porn, Dont feel hurt, He loves you porn means nothing to men, Unlike the other woman in this website they feel threaned about a video, Just because he watches porn it dosn’t mean he dosnt love you.Its just a fetish, Just like the one we woman have too. NO ONE HERE IS A SAINT (SUZANNA)!. so (lovedwife) dont pay any attention to suzannas comments because she will convert you into a nun, LOL. Suzanna move on!!! And (lovedwife) goodluck.

December 7, 2008 at 4:25 am
(192) John P. says:

Susanna: I have only three comments for you:

1. I do not really understand why you are offended being compared to a hooker. You personally admitted you are in a true relationship with someone else and only live with your so-called husband because he gives you money from his paycheck. In my understanding this is exactly what hookers do. It doesn’t matter if you feel you have the right for this money, or not – everyone usually has an explanation why they were just “forced by circumstances” to do it. So far you didn’t say anything to make you different; could you explain?

2. You are correct about the moderated forum/groups, however you might miss the point. This forum in fact IS moderated, as your posts do not show instantly. However it seems to be moderated for spam and immature posts, and not for content. This is in my opinion the best moderation option available. You need to understand that the opinion of other people is always valuable if they present it in reasonable way, i.e. without name-calling and immature language.

3. I told you before – please understand that not everyone admires Jesus as their God, and not everyone even believes in God. It is personal thing, so there is no sense to act like everyone should do it. If you want to have a Christian-style conversation about this issue, it might make sense to use a Christian-related forum/blog for your thoughts. If you do not, then please do not complain about “unkind remarks directed towards the other posters”.

Sorry if I offended you.

December 7, 2008 at 5:32 am
(193) John P. says:

Sag: after reviewing my own latter posts I could admit they’re sharper and more critiquing comparing to earlier posts. There are several reasons for this which do not make sense to explain in a public discussion. Most likely you could guess them yourself.

Since I consider you intelligent person (which of course does not mean we should agree on everything), I’ll explain my position on the issues you mentioned. First, I do not understand why you didn’t like it when I said there is more than one woman in this country who has no idea how to pleasure her man. Using basic math, there are roughly 150 million women here, so even 0.01% would be fifteen thousand. Just analyzing the women-marketed magazines and guides, and their commercial success, I could make a valid guess – even without involving statistics from my own practice – that at least some women in this country just didnít know how to please THEIR man (not “a man”, unfortunately).

Second one is even easier – I personally see women and men who cannot stay attractive enough for their spouse every day. You probably too, unless you live in Beverly Hills.

And the third one is wearing correct lingerie. Here I could chat freely since it’s not based on my professional experience. Let’s say me and my wife often go to local swinger clubs, and I see a lot of people in lingerie who have no idea what exactly this piece of lingerie is for, and what to wear it with. To have it short, let’s say that some ladies who follows my advice about lingerie selection attracted much more attention from their male companions. I hope it gives me credentials to have such claim at least about some ladies who would use some advice regarding choosing the lingerie which is sex appealing to their man.

Now to the overall style. You probably would not be surprised to hear that shrinks (and probably lawyers) generally keep pretty critical opinions. We have seen too much crap, and we know a lot about the darker nature than probably anyone else in this world. Here I’m expressing my personal opinion, which in some cases could be very harsh. I admit it; this is Internet, so like it or hate it, I do not really care.

Everyone’s MORAL feelings are based on the culture they originate from. For example, being a gay in Asia or Middle East is completely different from being a gay in U.S. or Western Europe. Our experience is not clear – we look on everything through our own moral glasses, which effectively hide some things, and enlarge other things. Please understand that when you’re growing up in a culture, you have NO CHOICE other to accept it. Only few people have character strong enough to stand up to the Another Break In The Wall’s “meat grinder”, but most people have to accept it. So if you feel for a poor Asian females who do not have a choice, please realize that you do not have a choice either. You have to act like you supposed to act in your culture to have your behavior accepted by society, or you need to have a character strong enough to ignore the society. Nobody who lives in society is entirely free. But regarding the “they do not know better” – which seems to be a very popular American myth – let’s just say a lot of foreign women marry American men. Much less American women marry foreign men. And according to Census the divorce rate for such marriages stays in 10-20% range – far lower comparing to even national first marriage rate. Hope this provides some proof.

A major mistake some people make is thinking that you could grasp foreign culture by having a foreign husband, or visiting a country as a tourist for a couple of weeks. It does not. You have to live there for a while – and I really mean that, live. Learn some level of language, make friends with locals, go to non-tourist places, date locals, basically get a life outside hotel. This is what I consider getting experience. You would be really surprised then how different is “acceptable behavior” in other cultures. For example, the population of Romania is roughly 20M, so even if you’ve met 100 Romanians, you only met 0.0005% of the country population (and some of them probably were grown up in US, which means they’re not keepers of Romanian culture, they’re keepers of American culture). This is why even having a foreign husband is definitely not enough to understand the whole culture. Regarding acceptable behavior – it depends. For example, if you tell your colleagues that you’re charged for speeding, it’s generally acceptable in US – you’ll definitely get sympathy, and probably even some advice. But if you are charged for cheating with taxes (which might cost you even less than some speeding tickets) – it is definitely different case. However in some European countries the situation is exactly the opposite – the government is basically wasting money, so cheating with taxes is considered normal there. That’s why we need to understand another culture before judging it, for example like telling that “they do not know differently”

Again, I think we somehow started drifting away from the main topic, so if you want to continue this discussion, let’s move it to emails.

December 7, 2008 at 5:46 am
(194) John P. says:

lovedwife: Basically if his porn watching does not affect your family life (i.e. he spends enough time with you and your sex life is fine), there is nothing for you to worry about. Hobbies like video games or sports take even more time from family than watching porn.

December 7, 2008 at 3:30 pm
(195) Bob says:

#111

Islam also permits men to slaughter women and children on a whim. If someone else rapes
Your wife, you can then legally kill her. And it happens all the time.
That is not a loving relationship, and it’s condoned.

Just the other day I saw a show about how when a woman wants to leave her husband In an Islamic country many times he will throw acid on her face so nobody else will want her and it’s totally acceptable..

We should not be taking any advice from this evil belief system that also tells it’s followers to lie to and maim and kill anyone that doesn’t believe in islam. That’s just wrong.

December 7, 2008 at 3:45 pm
(196) Jennifer says:

Suzanna I really think that your problem is that you feel Jealous by hookers and porn. Im not here to make anyone feel bad about themselves Im not that type of person, so you are making dumb comments about me, I am like everyone else here, I have the right to mark my opinion also. Like John P said if you dont like my comments then don’t read them and go to a Christian blog ok. Because not everone has your believes,And like you said to me earlier for me to get a life, Hunny I have a life and a wonderful one to. Im just here to help people out too not start a war, so you get a life.

December 7, 2008 at 4:33 pm
(197) annoymous qban says:

i also used to think porn was down right wrong, but as I got older i realized that porn wasnt all that bad, in da begining my hubby used to watch porn and i would cuss him out, i cursed and i even kicked him out then i started liking porn so we agreed to get back 2gether with da condition that we would watch it together and he agreed, and let me tell you our sex life is way better then be4.

December 7, 2008 at 10:54 pm
(198) Jess says:

I agree with others. I bet hotporngirl is anything but – yes what ARE you doing on this website? Bet you are just a big hairy blob who would look better with a brown bag over your head. And if you are some sort of desparate porn person – no I’m not jealous. My tits are real (and rather great I have to say), nothing is going to leak out of these babies just like your brain (or 2 brain cells) may leak out of your head at some point. And I dont have to walk around telling people how great I am…sign of insecurity me thinks..good luck!

December 7, 2008 at 10:57 pm
(199) Jess says:

Oh and Hotporngirl (aka 2 brain cells if even that), try and learn how to spell. Reading your arrogant posts is like watching paint dry. Maybe some of that hotporncash can put you through spelling lessons after you’ve finished with the second round of fake tits.

December 8, 2008 at 9:05 pm
(200) Hotporngirl says:

LOL,For (Jess)first i can asure you iam not big hairy blob thats what wish, second my tits are natural baby i have nothing leaking out of them. and third dont be mad because your husband is thinking of me while having sex with you, hunny my “hotporncash” like you said is whats paying my luxury car and home I dont spelling lessons and even if i did i bet you I’ll ask your husband you pay them 4 me lol. So be quiet you desparte housewife. HUGZ

December 15, 2008 at 3:09 am
(201) jocyy445 says:

Sex was meant to show spirtual intimacy between two truly deeply in love people who are ready to committ to be together and create a family and future together….

personally in my view…porn just destroys the very meaning and true nature of sex

and yes, people are all animals who have desires, but we are higher animals beings so better not be driven around like mad like back in those uncivilized days

December 16, 2008 at 5:00 am
(202) man1978 says:

Today again I have done that mistake.. I was well in control for the past one and half month..It is really disappointing!

I tried many ways to control my temptation.. but today the evil celebrated. I have masturbated twice today watching porn. How dirty!! Sorry to say this in front of you all.

December 16, 2008 at 3:03 pm
(203) Disapointed says:

In the beginning me and my husband were very opened to watching porn together, it really didn’t get to me until a few days a ago I noticed a sudden change in him. He would get more “excited” watching porn then being with me, Today Iím still crying about it. It hurts me because now I know that all those time he was excited wasn’t because of me but because of them. Porn does ruin your marriage and your sex life. At least it ruined mines. And now I don’t know what to do or even what to say to him. I feel depressed, sad, and Angry. We have a 2 year old and I donít want to separate her from her father, His everything to her. And a Divorce would really devastate her. Not seeing her father around, I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

December 16, 2008 at 6:32 pm
(204) suzanna says:

Disappointed, I thoroughly understand the heartbreak and sorrow you are going through. I have no advice other than what I have already posted. I can tell you that it does get easier to accept once the love you have for your husband fades because he has broken a sacred trust to be faithful to you alone.

One more thing.. don’t ever let anyone convince you that you are crazy to expect your husband to be faithful to you both MENTALLY and PHYSICALLY. You have a right to expect and DEMAND complete faithfulness from your husband. He made a vow to remain faithful to you alone and what he is doing is just another form of unfaithfulness. A married man who cannot control his lustful desires and be mentally as well as physically faithful to his wife has no business being married.

For your daughter’s sake, I hope your husband chooses his relationship with you over porn. Unfortunately mine chose the porn.

If you ever want to talk, you can e-mail me anytime.

Here is my e-mail address:
ohsuzanna1968@yahoo.com.

I will be praying for you.

Suzanna

December 17, 2008 at 2:51 pm
(205) amanda says:

I have a problem with my husband watching porn on everything. Laptops, playstaions 3, and his psp! I do not know what to think of it…

December 17, 2008 at 6:39 pm
(206) Still Disappointed says:

Why do men watch porn? Thatís a question that I can never figure out. Iím 21 years old and I have a daughter, I still considered my self very attractive I can still notice guys checking me out in the street but then why does my husband watch porn I donít believe he needs it, I mean the truth is Iím not bad looking, And my body is still in shape, so why? why? why? why? I asked him why and the answer he gave me was ď I just like looking at itĒ I mean I have the same things as those girls, I donít turn him on no more a question I asked him also was ďWhy do you get more excited when you watch them and not when you watch me naked? He simply said ďoh because I just like watching them having sexĒ.

It makes me sad in a way because now I figured out that this whole time we watched it together wasnít because of me but because of them. I canít compare myself with those woman because Iím not jealous of them or because I donít have there body, because I know I still look good but why? Is it because Iím not good enough or because I donít satisfy him. I donít know what to think and if I ask him I know he wonít answer me truthfully heíll say anything just to shut me up.

Last night, I tried asking him but he just kept looking away and repeating things over and over, it got to a point that I walked out of the house to cool down. Because it was just aggravating me more watching him just lying and not telling me why he enjoys them. Iím being truthful on this page because maybe some guy that is not my husband can answer my question or maybe a woman that knows why? I always get sexy for him and I always look my best but I just donít understand.

I just think that he likes watching them better because his tired of seeing me naked and maybe he wants to see something new. I donít know. SOMEONE correct me if Iím wrong. Why do you men enjoy watching these movies even if you have a wife that is willing to be intimate with you when ever you want. I really wonder if thereís a guy out there that can be loving, faithful, and truthful with them selves and there loving ones.

December 18, 2008 at 7:47 am
(207) Man1978 says:

Dear “Still disappointed wife”,

I have something to say being a porn hunted husband. Yes.. I would rather like to introduce myself as porn hunted than porn loving!..

Let me come to your issues. Please try to answer yourself to few questions- (1)You are beautiful and attractive.. but are you really sexy to your husband? You must be wondering.. other men still watch you on the move.. they feel you are sexy.. because you are fresh and new figure to them. For your husband, you are not a new figure and you are not at all fresh to him. Here the sexy look can only bring by your attitude and not by simple looks. After few years of marriage, we all become ‘used to’and this thought will lead to boring sex. To come out of this distructive feeling, you should always give new looks to your sex approach. Men always like newest and fresh sex. Hunger for sex differes from one person to the other. Some people have low sex attitudes and some have hery high. Now in the later category, some people suppress their sex hunger and some explore. Se hunger is not a thing to suppress. Is one can control the feelings, that is well and good. But suppressing this need will make the temptation stronger.
Once started watching porn, it is very difficult to come back. Few people succeed to give up the habit and many people partially control and many others continues to enjoy porn until their body weakens.

Try to penetrate to the basics of your husband’s mind and from there start talking to him. If you let him continue, he will never stop this, but be patiant and allowe him to take his own time. Try to make him feel that you are hurt badly. Dont explode over depression, but tell him the words coming out of your heart. Make him aware that how it will affect your child and your relations.
Dear friend, I am not a perfect man to advise you but what I told you is taken from my heart. If you feel this advise unacceptable, please ignore my comments.

December 19, 2008 at 8:25 am
(208) marcusb005 says:

Okay……so women say that “it hurts.” What do that mean? Do women believe that porn is demeaning and intimidating? Well, if u want your husbands back, go outside the usual. Spy on what type of porn he watches, then go by what he watches. It will give you a new look on it.

December 19, 2008 at 2:05 pm
(209) Still Disappointed says:

(Marcusb005) what I mean by ďit hurtsĒ is that my husband prefers to watch porn than being with me how do you think that makes me feel? It hurts yes because his watching them and not me. It has nothing to do on my spying on him and seeing what he like I know what he likes. I donít believe porn is ďdemeaning and intimidatingĒ because my body looks good and I donít need to look like them. It hurts me because he watches them and gets satisfied watching them. I have toys, sexy cloth, etc. But he just doesnít care for that.

(Man1978) thanks for clearing some things up but I still donít understand, The truth is I donít consider our sex boring because I do what ever he wants in bed except anal, sorry for being so explicit. But I still donít get why do men enjoy watching these videos even if there partner is still new to them. Why? Because since I met him he always watched it and Iíve even have friends that they have ďnew girlfriendsĒ and they still look at it even with them they watch it. Is it something ďMentalĒ you guys have or a ďFantasyĒ of being with that girl? And I do consider myself sexy to him. I always dress up for him and I put whatever he likes, We always play around but for some reason he always brings up ďpornĒ.

Today we got into a argument again because of that since the other days incident its been none stop arguing, It hurts me because I do love him and I donít want him watching this things, and even if we stop doing it together he will just find another way to do, and Iím not his mother to prohibit him from anything. Would you really stop forever if your wife asked you too? And I mean FOREVER. Not just for a couple of days. So Iím scared because I do love him a lot. And I feel like if I tell him to stop Iím pushing him away, and if I continue to watch porn with him I believe our love will end. And on the other hand every guy watches ďpornĒ right?. LOL and I donít like woman.

So what do I do? Do I stay or do I leave and dedicate my life to our daughter? I am very confused at this point of my life. And I do know our fighting will push each other away. Thanks for your advice I truly appreciate all the advice except dumb ones. I like truthful and honest request. People that I feel are being sincere with me.

December 19, 2008 at 9:48 pm
(210) Jennifer says:

(Still Disappointed): Sorry to hear whatís happening, my best advice to you is talk to him, calmly, let him know how you feel. Everything you are feeling tell him. And don’t worry he loves you its just that men get tired of the same pu**y so they look into porn to see something different, or they look at porn because there wives don’t satisfy them. Guys are weird lol and you have to understand them. I know it hurts but its something your going to have to get over one way or another. Donít divorce him what you can do is ” no porn while sex” and then let him enjoy it every once in a while by him self, because no matter what guy you go to they are going to have the same habbit.look as long as he doesnít cheat on you, you can always work things out, go to a counselor. Best of luck……..

December 20, 2008 at 12:52 am
(211) Man1978 says:

DEar Still disappointed,

I understand your pain and mental stress. My sincere advise is to save your marriage and do not break away. I could read your mind and understand you love your husband. I also feel your husband loves you too but all these bitter happenings made a reason to worry. To your question- whether husbands can give up the porn habit- My answer is certainly Yes. “.But please understand, it is not easy like giving up any other habit like smoking or drinks and the bouncing back tendency is quiet high.Mental control is not the right way of giving up this habit because it will be like one kind of suppression.A man have to avoid the origination of that need by allowing himself to satisfy with sex at the same level of his satisfaction on fantazizing on porn.Watching porn is one kind of addiction. You are not helping him if you watch porn with him expecting you are attracting him towards you with the help of porn. Never it will work. Forcing him away from porn is also not that easy. But believe me, the strongest thing in the world is “love”.There nothing that cannot be changed. Apply these principles in your life. I will pray for you too.

December 20, 2008 at 12:52 am
(212) Man1978 says:

DEar Still disappointed,

I understand your pain and mental stress. My sincere advise is to save your marriage and do not break away. I could read your mind and understand you love your husband. I also feel your husband loves you too but all these bitter happenings made a reason to worry. To your question- whether husbands can give up the porn habit- My answer is certainly Yes. “.But please understand, it is not easy like giving up any other habit like smoking or drinks and the bouncing back tendency is quiet high.Mental control is not the right way of giving up this habit because it will be like one kind of suppression.A man have to avoid the origination of that need by allowing himself to satisfy with sex at the same level of his satisfaction on fantazizing on porn.Watching porn is one kind of addiction. You are not helping him if you watch porn with him expecting you are attracting him towards you with the help of porn. Never it will work. Forcing him away from porn is also not that easy. But believe me, the strongest thing in the world is “love”.There nothing that cannot be changed. Apply these principles in your life. I will pray for you too.

December 20, 2008 at 9:03 am
(213) suzanna says:

There’s absolutely NO EXCUSE for a man to look at porn if he has an attractive wife who is willing to make love to him on a regular basis. Men look at porn because they lack self-control and morals. Porn is everywhere, so if a man wants to remain faithful to his wife, he has to make a concerted effort not to look at it. It all boils down to a lack of respect and a lack of morals. Not all men need to see “new pu**y” (as someone else put it) but you can bet that the reason some are getting bored in the bedroom is because they look at porn. No decent woman should have to compete with that.

I would rather be divorced than compete with a low-class porn star for my husband’s love and attention. I simply have too much self respect for that.

If your husband refuses to give up porn even after you tell him how much it hurts you, it means he has absolutely NO respect for you. Trust me, it will only get worse as the years go by.

Men will try to convince you that they they NEED porn and can’t stop looking at it, but that’s B.S. If looking at porn caused their penis to fall off you can bet they’d give it up in a HEARTBEAT!!!

December 20, 2008 at 9:07 am
(214) suzanna says:

Get the book “Pornified” by Pamela Paul.

December 20, 2008 at 9:09 am
(215) suzanna says:

The complete title is, “Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families.” by Pamela Paul

December 21, 2008 at 2:58 am
(216) Jones86 says:

I don’t think alot of people are really listening. I’ve said it before and it has already been established by other posts. You want to know the truth. Here is is, once again….if you have sex before marriage (any sex) the sex inside your marriage is going to suffer greatly. I wish it wasn’t this way, I really do. I wish we could all have sex with whomever we wanted and go into a marriage and still have a great sex life, but that’s not how human beings were designed. It has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with consequences for human behaviors. I’m sorry, but for the women out there, do you really expect your husbands to never have sex with you or anyone else and then in return you get upset that they seek it out in internet porn? I’m not saying that it’s right, but men have a different sex drive than women. Why get married, if you never want to touch each other? That’s the deception. If you get married, you make a vow to never touch anyone else other than your spouse, but what you’re really committing to, is never touching your spouse or anyone else. Who wants that? Sex before marriage has it’s consequences. Don’t you think it’s strange that women hate having sex after they are married; that they view it as a chore and not as having fun? A husband asking his wife to give him a blow job is like asking her to pull out her front teeth. It should never be looked at this way, but when you have sex before marriage, you taint it and it becomes spolied. Like I have stated before….I wish it wasn’t like this. Once men have sex before marriage, the sex inside their marriage never fulfills them and they look for it somewhere else. If women have sex before marriage then once they get married, sex becomes this chore and duty. They prefer anything else over having sex with their husbands…because the sex has been tainted. The fault doesn’t weigh more on men or women, it’s equal. The consequences apply to both sexes, just in different ways. This can give women some insight on why their husbands cheat on them when their wives are gorgeous, because as I have stated before….LOOKS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH GREAT SEX! Great sex starts with the head on your shoulders, not the one between your legs. If you don’t believe me, then take what I have said and apply it to your own life. Remember, ask yourself what sex was like before you got married and then compare that to the sex you had (or didn’t have) once you got married. There is quite a difference and it’s not for the better. I have never been married and yet I know all this. It’s incredibly sad, yet incredibly undenialable. I have to face the consequences of my actions once I do get married…can you? If you can’t, the only way to fix these irregularities in your marriage is to have a relationships with God and asking Him to forgive you, otherwise you might read this and laugh and say to yourself, I don’t need God to fix my problems….and all I can say is have fun never havinf sex with your wife who you vowed to never cheat on….what’s more pathetic, the guy who can’t get any? or the guy who’s married and can’t get any? You guys be the judge.

December 21, 2008 at 3:07 pm
(217) Agnostic says:

Quite frankly, you judgmental women make me sick. And that goes double for you who invoke the name of Jesus every time someone has the audacity to do anything that involves their own enjoyment (even when it doesn’t interfere with anyone else’s ability to live their life as they see fit). Stop using the church as an excuse to be a tyrant and control the life and behavior of everyone else around you!

Just a little background to explain my rant: I’m married, and have been for almost 9 years now. When our relationship began, my wife and I were intimate fairly often, maybe a few times a week. Gradually, for one reason or another her desire waned and it became once a week, and then once a month, and now often even longer. Unfortunately, my desire has NOT gotten much less, and I have to say I’m not at all satisfied with the current frequency. I love my wife and have no interest in divorcing her or cheating on her with someone else. So I use porn as a visual to help keep myself satisfied. The way I see it, something will have to give if I’m expected to give up porn, because I didn’t get married to have a celibate lifestyle (or even a near-celibate lifestyle).

I don’t really have the solution to this problem. I admit my wife isn’t fond of my porn use, but the alternatives are worse if you ask me. Oh, and you Jesus freaks can just keep your suggestions to yourselves. I don’t believe in something just because it’s written in a 2000+ year old book, or just because you told me. My opinion on God is that if he wants my belief he’ll just have to show me, because reading the Bible or listening to a preacher will NEVER be enough to convince me. So if you have a suggestion for me I’m afraid you’re going to have to come up with something better than “You’re going to hell!” If I listened to your suggestions my life would be hell on Earth, which is too much to ask of someone who doesn’t believe in an afterlife.

December 21, 2008 at 4:21 pm
(218) Jennifer says:

(jones86) The honest truth it really doesnít matter if you had sex before marriage ok. Me and my husband had sex before marriage and we have the best sex life ever. And i have friends that got married virgins and there husbands ended up cheating. It really doesnít matter it depends on the loser you choose. And i donít see it at giving my husband a blow job as a “Chore” I do it because i want too. He can’t make me do anything and i can’t make him do anything. How old are you Jones? 20? A guy that cheats is because, Either he doesnít love his wife, or because his tired of his wife, or his a low scum. Because if you love, Cherish and respect your wife there is no need to cheat. Now talking about men watching porn thatís something different, me and my hubby do it to spice things up or just for fun, not because he doesnít love me. I am very open minded wife.And I enjoy porn, And i don’t believe in religion when it comes to sex. I respect everyoneís opinion and what ever other woman do with their husbands is there problems if they treat them like children , Congratulation .You have an extra child, and if your husband puts up their wife like treating them like kids good for them. But once someone cheats I believe the guy or woman cross the line.

December 22, 2008 at 3:30 pm
(219) married n happy says:

both my husband and I enjoy porn. do we watch it every night? nope. Have we become addicts? nope. Did it massively improve our sex life to let our gaurd down a bit and experiment and be open about what we like when it comes to sex, uncluding watching porn? yepp! I think sex should be spontanious and enjoyable for both participants and if porn helps you or him enjoy it better then go for it! I think a lot of women get jealous over how the women in porn look but most of my close guy friends have admitted that they don’t always like how the girls look, it’s more their attitudes. I know most women just get too uptight about how they look or they get too frustrated trying to be the perfect mom and wife and they put on a prudish front to accomplish that. I think it can be very beneficial to just relax a little- and besides, it’s not always about you…sometimes you have to step a little bit outside of your boundaries. I just don’t see the problem with it!

relax a little!

December 29, 2008 at 9:55 pm
(220) CaseMae1988 says:

Wow! I was so worried that there was something seriously wrong with me because everytime I catch my husband looking at porn i get so upset…It may be a small one but it is still such a relief to know Im not alone….I am 20 years old as of this month..My husband and I have been married for 1 year and a half but been together a total of 3…I have never really had self esteem problems but this whole porn thing has turned that upside down…He was my first love and then we got married….I dont understand…he watches porn and then tries to delete it and when i confront him, he denies it, says im crazy, and has no remorse. All i want to do it cry…A few other times i have caught him doing it, he laughs it off and says it was ust something stupid and acts like its no big deal, even knowing it hurts me so much…I used to want nothing more than to have children with this man and now…well..I don’t even want the thought of children with him to enter my mind…It is pushing me away so much. I dont even enjoy porn! I can be with him and thats enough for me…i just dont understand. Thanks!

December 31, 2008 at 9:25 am
(221) SexyGarcia says:

Oooooooh, my…. It’s just SEX… Just because a person watches porn doen not mean they are a PERVERT!!

Most Men enjoy the Visual Aspect of it. I know that some men enjoy it because porn women are doing things they could never ask there wives to do. If you love eachother who cares if your a SLUTT in the bedroom.

I feel very sad for the women that are feeling disrespected by there husbands. I honestly believe that is not there intentions. Women need to realize that Men are Very VISUAL when it comes to SEX. To where Women are Very in LOVE when it comes to SEX.

I feel that some women that are feeling this way about PORN, have not had the Passion of Great Sex with there husbands. Or maybe lost the passion over the years.

I have been married for 19 years…. and believe me when I say “SEX is Very Important in a Marriage”. I am not saying have sex everyday. At least a couple times a week.. And definitely at least once a month you should make it exciting, get SEXY for your hubby… Remind him that Everything he sees on his PORN he can have with you…

Women please, try to be openminded and remember PORN is just a Sex Video. Watch a good one believe me they do have RAUNCHY ones, but you never know you might learn something new about yourself and your husband…

December 31, 2008 at 8:24 pm
(222) Jennifer says:

lol, AMEN.

January 1, 2009 at 10:00 am
(223) Suzanna says:

Most men who look at porn already have wives or girlfriends who are sexy and willing to be adventurous in the bedroom, so that has absolutely nothing to do with why men look at porn. Men look at porn because they have low morals and no respect for women. Everyone knows that porn is filthy and degrading to women, which is why most *decent* women don’t like it. It has nothing to do with the woman’s unwillingness to try new things in the bedroom since most men who look at porn would rather masturbate to porn than have sex with their wives or girlfriends anyway.

In marriage, porn is the *other woman* and any wife who has lived with a porn addict knows that NOTHING they do will get the husband’s attention once he is captivated by porn. Believe me, I would have done ANYTHING for my husband but he didn’t even want to have sex with me. Instead HE chose to have HIS sexual needs met through pornography.

Those of you who are living this way be encouraged.. there are still men out there(though they are few) who do not need to look at porn for sexual satisfaction. Statistically 1 out of 4 American men DO NOT look at porn. These are the good guys and they are out there just waiting for a good woman to come along. So don’t give up hope! Stop wasting your time on losers because they will never change. Trust me, I wasted the best years of my life with a man who chose porn over me. It will only get worse, especially once you have kids.

January 2, 2009 at 10:02 pm
(224) John P. says:

Susanne, your comments are very strange for someone calling herself a Christian. You are claiming that someone who watches porn has low morals while you yourself admitted that you are in a true relationship outside your marriage and you are staying with your husband only for his paycheck. Even your Jesus said something about those who could throw the stones, and even your Lord doesn’t judge a man until his days are gone. You’re seems to be a typical holier-than-Thou person who points fingers on others while your own slate needs some serious cleanup. How could you tell others what to do if you already screwed up your own relationship doing what you suggest others to do?

(Not to Susanne): a new trend I see the last year is increased number of problems in sex life for younger people (like early twenties). Those were almost non-existent just a couple of years ago.

January 3, 2009 at 6:39 pm
(225) Madeline says:

I need help! Me and my husband are both 22. at the beginning he would watch porn and litterally make me leave the room alothough I tried to get him to watch it with me. Then it got to the point where everytime that I would leave the house he would watch it, then to the point where Id be in the mist of pleasuring him and he would tell me that he would rather watch porn and make me stop. I have told him how I feel and nothing works. He litterally yells and screams at me that he should be able to do what he wants as long as it isnt with someone else it should be fine. Please if anyone has some advice I NEED IT

January 4, 2009 at 12:08 pm
(226) Adam says:

Consider that men have fantasies of women. Get to know some of your partner’s fantasies, what they like and what they don’t like, and why they watch porn.

Endorphin release during sex is just as important as when it is released, and what fantasy is associated with it. Thus the rush/pleasure becomes anchored to the certain fantasy the man may be trying to fulfill. That is what makes men keep going back to porn. The brain has linked the rush of pleasure to pornography. Different pictures can inspire different fantasies within both sexes. Find what kind of thing your partner likes and be sexy for him.

And if you’re a man who has been experiencing coldness from his wife/girlfriend, take charge of things and put some fire back in. Get some candle lights, surprise her, and don’t make it expensive or glorious. Make it sexy. Make it downright dirty, and be masculine. Take charge, and make her feel like a woman. Worry about yourself later. And if that doesn’t fix things, end the relationship abruptly. If she doesn’t need you, you don’t need her.

As for my own opinion, I discredit anything society has ever built. If we were still primal, we would never settle down with just one spouse for the rest of our lives. Maybe for some odd years, but never for more. Humans are not mechanical. We move, we breathe, we feel. So take matters lightly. Find what your partner likes and try and do it. And if it doesn’t work, the best medication is to show them you don’t need them.

January 9, 2009 at 7:17 am
(227) Husband of Beautiful Wife (12 years) says:

I was curious about what other wives felt, so i googled it.

First, let me say that i have a beautiful wife (in many more ways than one). We have been married 12 years and i

love her dearly.

For the first 10 years she was very opposed to me using porn. It stressed things a few

times. I tried to resist but sometimes it would build up and i would sneak some skin time.

Let me say this- i feel i am different to the typical guy. Our marriage is atypical.

-My wife is my first and only love.

-I would never cheat. (Of course, she wouldnt either.)

-I NEVER, EVER imagine myself having sex in anyway with any of those women. In fact, when my wife has suggested

those ideas playfully, it nauseated me. Disgusting! We were both virgins when we married and have never strayed. I

aim to keep it that way.

-Many guys i have worked with dread going home to their wives. I cant stay away! I love her dearly and hate being

away from her and our kids.

-Our sex is more often than probably typical and she is very pleasing and at times adventuresome. :-)

Many times she would let me when i used her pictures or videos. (A+ stuff!) Other times she would allow it when she

wasnt in the mood.

More recently she has changed her mind. Maybe she feels more secure, i am not sure. If given the choice i would rather be with her anytime! Of course, this is too much for her. She has lovingly allowed a release of all that built up energy. If you are a woman, you probably have no idea- but it builds up, and can be frustrating.

Just looking at them doesnt mean that you want them. Women are beautiful. That doesnt mean i want to run off with them.

In closing i want to say that the previous comment that men get tired of the same woman, is false. Maybe some men, but not me. Every time i see it is like the first time. How could i ever get tired of that!?

Please dont just jump to conclusions. Dont lump all men in one category.

January 9, 2009 at 8:14 am
(228) Husband of Beautiful Wife (12 years) says:

Sorry for the cut-up post.

I cant get over some of these comments! So one sided!

To “not lonelyanymore” RE: “I believe God designed sex to be shred ONLY with the one we love.” —-> If women let their husbands then they are lovingly sharing it. God also says that mates should not withhold sex. (Oy, my headache.)

If a man blatantly chooses porn of their wife, that is totally different. Sounds like a marital issue and not a sexual one. Relationships are based on intimacy and friendship. A man can still love and adore his wife and appreciate the release that porn provides. I bet few wives want to do it whenever they have a free minute. That stops after baby 1.

“lparette ” —>Gratification outside of marriage? Ummm, were you taking care of things? (Laying on your side while watching TV providing a hole doesnt cut it.) Most all women are beautiful in different ways. Nothing wrong in noticing that! Jacking off makes guys creeps?

These relationships sound doomed. Are you women jealous, is that it? Again- not all- but so many posts sound one sided and judgemental.

Is your mate your best friend and confidant? I bet not from the sounds of some of these posts.

He shouldnt love you for your body. He should love you for you.

How can some women deny sex and then complain about porn? It is illogical. His body doesnt work like yours. It will build up and explode at night.

To “In Pain” I am sorry you were raped. My wife was raped too. She loves me though and i am a man. Just because a single man blamed his rape on porn doesnt mean that i will rape because of porn.

Women: It is normal for guys to be attracted to women! Just because other women are appealing- doesnt mean he doesnt love and adore you!

Why does this bother women so much? It is a pleasurable release. We dont bitch at you for eating chocolate ice cream and watching Jerry Springer! (Not applicable to me- but cmmon!) Are you there for him when the feelings arise? How can you compare your hormones to his?! Does he tell you how much he knows about birthing a child?

January 9, 2009 at 8:32 am
(229) Husband of Beautiful Wife (12 years) says:

This does sound like a self-esteem thing.

If your man given the choice would rather watch porn than be with you- then there is a problem. Him or you – i dont know. As i said before laying there providing holeage, is not lovemaking. Might as well use the hand and not deal with you complaining about when it will be over!

If he would easily choose you, then really the only issue is availablilty and desire. If one of those things is missing, then why does it matter?

If he wants you over porn, then how could your self esteem be hurt?

All of my comments are assuming a loving marriage. I couldnt imagine it any other way! Husbands and wives should adore each other!

January 10, 2009 at 6:18 am
(230) recovering porn addict says:

I grew up Christian and always believed lust was wrong but believed as a male I was “stuck” doing it. So what the heck, I gave in to porn the first my hormones kicked in. It started with victorias secret catalogs and the like, anywhere I could get a hold of viewing sexy women. Now in my mid twenties I am learning that I must STOP and control my mind or else my future marriage will suffer.

I read some posts where some (Very few on here) say they have no problem with their spouses watching porn and they watch it together. Well you know, there are also quite a few people that are swingers and willing to have sex with other people besides their spouse and give their own spouse up to others. WTF?? That is NOT what I want. That is not marriage as I believe it.

I’m not going to try and preach to a swinger to fix themselves. However I believe a marriage should be the most intimate relationship between a man and a women. Share everything together: laughter, sadness, care, emotions, activities, friendship, and love. I would be very jealous if my wife would give away those things with another man. I believe it’s wrong. Those things define a relationship between man and woman and make you stronger together. How dangerous is it to take an element away and have “just a friend” on the side. Who knows when you could be tempted.

Back to porn. Porn is an issue of the mind. For me, a male, it sets off the sex chemicals and makes me feel goooood. However, try restricting a male to ONE image or porn video forever. Know what happens? We get bored. To me porn was an addiction. I hated it, because it gave me that high then after releasing it through masturbation I was below ground zero. I had just wasted so much time seeking and seeking to get more and more satisfaction to make it feel “better”. I knew it had to stop. It wasn’t until about 7 months ago that I finally said no more to porn. How? I made a conscious commitment and effort to have discipline. The same way I wouldn’t be sucked into hooking up with a prostitute if I saw one; I have mentally committed myself to stay away from locking on to the thought.

Every girl complaining on here has every right to complain about men looking at porn. It is cheating. Their man is lusting after another woman. Jesus words aside (lust = adultery), the man is giving himself that high off another woman. What happens then is there are less hormones stimulated by their own wife. Think about cultures where it is lewd for woman to show any skin. Imagine when guys see a woman’s shoulder or even stomach. Damn! That’s HOT! It’s a relative stimulation. If your wife was the only girl on the planet you bet you’d be screwing her every opportunity. So then if you believe that is true then you should make every attempt to MAKE it true in your minds eye, not necessarily for your sake, but for your WIFES. You owe her all you are.

So this is what I know from my experience:
1) Porn is never satisfying.
You always need new stimulus to keep you interested – move from one virtual girl to another. Which man that looks at porn has ONE file on his computer? YEA RIGHT.

2) Porn is a waste of time.
I used to get so pissed at myself looking at the clock, “damn! 3am already? I just started at 1am and was ready for bed. Now I’m tired for work.”

3) Porn sticks in your mind.
When you want to get off next time and your wife just isn’t looking quite in shape for you, Boobaliscous Betty certainly will tip you over the edge in your mind. You better believe men think about it later. I struggle with this big time now with having a new girlfriend when I’ve had sex (which I was upset about doing in the first place) with the last. When I masturbate it’s hard to keep my big breasted ex out of the picture. I feel horrible but I’m working on that too.

4) Porn makes you think about other woman. Duh, obviously!
Now do you think you can control your mind in public, at the mall, at work with your hot coworker wearing tights pants or boobs coming out of her top? Yea right!

5) Porn isn’t the only problem!
Porn is the culmination of the males mind acting on stimulus of other woman too. Looking at other woman dressed provacatively is just like porn, lusting after another woman. And in today’s society we certainly have the most sexually provacative culture in the world. Girls have turned themselves into objects for mens sexual gratification to give themselves satisfaction.

Men trying to downplay porn to their woman are a bunch of snakes. Grow a pair of balls men and communicate with your wife your needs instead of diving off in lala land without her. That is cheating. Second, men that can’t control a porn addiction will not be able to control lusting after women in public, at work, at the bar, wherever! Do you really want to treat your wife like that in your mind? You are treating her like trash, not even caring about her, not caring about the sanctity of your marriage (if there is any or you believe in that), not caring about your wife’s esteem. Men should care about their wives esteem, that’s why any idiot wouldn’t say his wife looks a little heavy today. Would you tell her you were fantasizing about your coworker?

I’m not saying porn make men go over the line and actually cheat on their wives, but seriously, is the act in person that much more disturbing?

For me porn has really put a damper on my life. I want to get married soon but do not want to until I can completely discipline myself to not want any girl except for my wife. This has to start way before marriage and that’s why I am sticking to my no-porn commitment even though I’m young single and horny. This also means I will not lust after women, take second glances at their ass as they pass by, glare at the lingerie models, or watch sexual things on TV.

Imagine the mind as a sanctuary, a holy place, would you want it to be a brothel? If men could discipline their minds to allow no other woman to penetrate the sanctuary of their mind just think how much of pure ecstasy is left for their only love, their only lust, their only minds affection, their one and only wife. This is my goal for my future wife and I believe it should be every other man’s if they are to have a true romance and oneness with their wife.

So Men: You have the responsibility, the goal, the obligation, the commitment you made, to make your wife the ONLY girl in your life and in your head. Grow some balls and stop loosing your intelligence when a set of boobs or tight ass walks by. You should handle your wife’s as if its the first pair you’ve ever seen, but that can only happen with discipline of the mind.

Women: Make sure you keep communicating with your men. Ask them what they want and if they’re happy. Make changes to keep them happy. Tell him if you notice he’s not giving yout he attention he normally does and ask him why and how you can help. If you aren’t interested in satisfying him and he isn’t a perfect man, he’s going to struggle or just give in to satisfying his mind or actual body with another woman. Also, men hate being told what to do or that they have a problem. If they are told this they tend to flat out ignore you and rebel specifically out of spite. That is why continuous communication is necessary so that you don’t just ignore ignore ignore then break down the door and nobody can resolve it. Don’t be angry towards your husband because of porn, simply tell him you want to be the only object of his affection and you want to be the one to satisfy him in every way, then ask how you can do that. Let him know you are truly interested in being his only affection. Advice for single women – make sure your boyfriend doesn’t have a porn addiction and if he does tell him you will not marry until he stops for a year. Get a porn blocker and notifier. This should be done for all married couples with porn problems. Porn addicts must have accountability, without accountability there is no impetus to stop.

Hope this helps…ladies, I really really really feel your pain. Who would have every thought, “my husband is cheating on me with a computer!”

January 10, 2009 at 6:50 am
(231) recovering porn addict says:

Oh I forgot: All men must read this book

“Every Man’s Battle”

Women who have been affected by porn should also read it so they can understand men’s “battle”.
There are also workbooks, free podcasts, and a week long conference workshop.

Look at the facts above here, porn hurts just as much as any other addiction: drugs, alcohol, gambling…the same broken marriages are created.

January 10, 2009 at 7:16 am
(232) recovering porn addict says:

More books from that series that are helpful:
Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series)

Every Young Man’s Battle DVD: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation

Every Heart Restored Workbook: A Wife’s Guide to Healing in the Wake of Every Man’s Battle (The Every Man Series)

Every Man’s Battle Guide: Weapons for the War Against Sexual Temptation (The Every Man Series)

That book definitely opened my eyes to my problem before I could even see how tarnished I was.

January 11, 2009 at 8:17 am
(233) Husband of Beautiful Wife (12 years) says:

Recovering addict says “It is cheating. Their man is lusting after another woman.”

While i agree that this is true for most men, this is not the case for all.

Women can be pretty and enjoyable to look at, but that doesnt mean i want to be with them.

And no, my wife doesnt know about this thread and she isnt reading what i have written.

Most of those woman are just plain trashy with tramp stamps and such. Why the heck would i want that when i have a perfect wife?

I do not lust after those woman. I have desire for my WIFE, not them.

Again- i realize i am probably in the minority. But my wife is one of a kind and irreplaceable.

January 11, 2009 at 12:32 pm
(234) Suzanna says:

Husband of Beautiful Wife, if those women are so trashy, why are you even looking at them at all? Why are you not content to just look at your perfect and beautiful wife? If it isn’t about indulging in lust, then why porn? Why not just take up bird watching? There are many beautiful things you could look at that do not include pornographic images of trashy women, and the best part is, you wouldn’t be disrespecting your wife the way you are doing now.

January 12, 2009 at 1:17 am
(235) KB says:

My husband constantly lives on the computer when he is not at work…..i have found sites on there that give him availability to find someone right then to meet up and have sex with…this is usually after he has looked at porn….which he does as soon as I leave the house….I have told him how I have felt about this..but he continues on with it. I am older than him and he always looks at the young girls…this is damaging to my self esteem..I do not doubt his love but I do doubt his fidility…as he has cheated on me before…several times…which he does not know I know about. He says he is curious…well he is in his forties…..i think a little to old to be curious..but this is also a bad excuse. I know that I am coming to my end with him…..He spends so much time on the computer that for me it is like living by myself…..but at least by myself I could look for someone that would respect my feelings…and respect me.

January 12, 2009 at 4:24 am
(236) All Men are the same says:

To KB

I feel sorry for you for the fact that your husband is obviously selfish. He has obviously learnt this behavior from childhood. I know what you are going through for I left my husband for the same reason which is LONLEYNESS. I hated the fact that the computer with all its available websites was destroying my marriage. My husband started off watching porn and everytime I came in the room he would pretend he was looking at something else, but I could see the site on the taskbar, he eventually wandered into a dating site where cybersex was readily available to him which is where he meet the girl he slept with. Anyone who thinks that porn is not damaging to a realtionship or does not consider it cheating is obviously a male who is watching porn. It is unfair and degrading and emotionally damaging to the person you say you love. It is selfish and shows that you have no true feeling towards your other halfs feelings. If you have to watch porn to have sex with your wife then you are just using her like a hooker. You have no true feelings towards her you only do what is best for you. KB and I are prime examples of what damage the computer and the sites that are available can do.

January 13, 2009 at 4:19 pm
(237) lilly says:

I am 23 years old and have been with my husband, 11 years my senior for almost 4years. We never really discussed porn in the beginning of our relationship, there was never any reason to. It’s not that I didn’t know he looked at it or anything but he was always very discreet. I was just never given a reason to think about it, I always felt good about myself and felt like he was very attracted to me so never really had any reason to threateneed by it.
However only weeks after the birth of our son, I noticed that he was spending alot of nights downstairs on the computer while I was waking up five times a night with a newborn.
I felt so betrayed, even though I knew in my right mind that masterbating is natural and healthy thing.
I was feeling so unattractive and insecure about my appearance I felt like he was just confirming everything everything I was feeling.
Up until then he had always made me feel like porn and masterbating was something entirely seperate from me and our relationship, he never had magazines around the house and if he was looking at it on the computer I didn’t have to know about. After that however I had a hard time seeing it as something seperate. I tried not to let it bother me, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t understand why he needed it. I had always made myself available to him anytime he wanted. I had gotten back into shape, and looked like my old self again (minus the stretchmarks).
I eventually became the sexually aggressive one and am always making the first move which doesn’t make me feel very desirable. I don’t want to feel this way, and have tried to understand. I can’t help feeling like I am in competition with what he is looking at, and can’t measure up anymore. I have stopped taking it as a personal attack but I still get jealous and insecure wheneverhe does it.
I know that he loves me, and he has at least tried to explain his feeling about this stuff, whereas alot of men would have just told me to get over it. But I can’t seem to let it go and just see it for what he says it is.
I feel ridiculous and inmature, so if any one can shine a new perspective on it I would appreciate it. I would love to know how the women out there that have been through it learned to cope with their own feelings about it.

January 13, 2009 at 8:07 pm
(238) Husband of Beautiful Wife (12 years) says:

Suzanna:

It feels good to have orgasms. My wife isn’t always willing or available. The female sex drive diminishes over time, especially if babies come along!

Bird watching doesnt make me have an orgasm. If it did, lots of guys would be watching birds.

Those woman may be trashy, but some of them are still attractive. It makes spanking the monkey more enjoyable. Actually it makes it possible. I am old enough that i dont just get a stiffy by the wind blowing you know.

Our relationship is better than ever now that we are open about it. I wont feel so bad being rejected and she wont feel so bad saying no. Dont get me wrong, i would rather be with her 5 times a day. It isnt going to happen though. Sometimes she tells me to spank it when she is there beside me.

She doesnt really like to look at the naked bodies, male or female, but she knows that she is the one that i want.

Sorry to disappoint. I am not lusting after those woman.

January 14, 2009 at 8:35 am
(239) Husband of Beautiful Wife (12 years) says:

Oh, when she tells me to do it, and i am beside her. She is pleased that i am enjoying myself. She is also relieved that she can relax and not have to worry about me bugging her for sex.

I enjoy having a release without having to bug the crap out of her. When i know she doesnt feel up to it, i am comforted that i can be relieved without bothering her.

January 15, 2009 at 2:49 pm
(240) J says:

This question goes out to all those men who write here and use the ďIt is a natural biological InstinctĒ argument for their sexual behaviors. Why would you lower yourself to the level of a non conscious thinking, feeling animal who can only act based on his instincts?
Yes, perhaps most male animals pursue sex with any available female. But donít they also pee wherever they happen to be standing or walking? Donít they have sex in front of young animals? Donít they walk up and sniff a femaleís genitalia? Donít they eat whenever and wherever they are when they get hungry? They donít comb their hair, use deodorant, or eat with utensils. They also didnít invent fire or the wheel. They have continued to live only by their basic instincts for millions of years. But humans HAVENíT!! So why do you who use that argument only use it when it comes to certain sexual behaviors, the ones that YOU want to pursue and claim that it is a natural basic biological instinct that you canít control, or that if controlled will lead to severe physical or emotional distress?
They have no concept of social rules, except those based on instinct; no conscious thoughts, no thoughts of commitment, vows, getting along with others mentally, no emotions such as caring, concern, support, embarrassment nor anything about agreements, compromise, negotiation, or fairness. They donít get emotionally hurt. They donít have conscious expectations. But PEOPLE do. So to say that sexual behaviors should only be determined based on natural instinct or biological drive is a bit strange if you are actually a feeling, thinking human being.

January 15, 2009 at 4:23 pm
(241) J says:

Another point to ponder, When the question is asked ďDoes Porn hurt Marriage?Ē, shouldnít that be a social scientific study for statistical purposes to see if the usage of such harms a marriage rather than if it SHOULD hurt a marriage or relationship? It seems that every time I read an article or blog such as this, the question quickly turns into arguments as to if it should or not, not whether it does or not.
The question of should, is really a question of how and/or why. That is a valid question and one that needs to be explored and understood, but it is vastly different then the clear question of whether it does or not.
I have seen the argument given by those who engage in the use of Pornography, that it doesnít hurt anyone. Yet in the same writing they will state that their partner is hurt and that it is hurting (negatively affecting) their relationship! Or they can read many posts and statements by some partners that it does indeed hurt them. So isnít their position really that they wish it DIDíNT hurt a partner so that they could pursue it without guilt, problems, consequences or interference? But for them to state that it DOESNíT hurt anyone, or a relationship, when they have statements from partners that it does indeed hurt them, and then arenít they just in denial and refusing to accept those personal statements as valid for those stating them?
If the answer is that it does a hurt a relationship, that doesnít mean that it hurts EVERY relationship. But on the other hand, it also does not mean that because it doesnít hurt every relationship, that then it should hurt no relationships.
If a partner is NOT bothered by it, or does not experience any negative emotional response, then it seems to answer the question that in those relationships, then NO, it would not harm their marriage. But if a partner is affected negatively, then it seems to be obvious that the answer is yes, it does hurt either the partner or the relationship or both.
This is the way it is with anything in life. If your boss has no negative response to an employee using the internet for personal reasons during the work day, then there wonít be a problem when it happens. But if he does have a negative response, then it WILL have a negative impact (hurt) your relationship with him and with that job.
Those that say that it is the partner who needs to change their view of it so that they arenít hurt or bothered so the relationship isnít negatively affected, couldnít you say that about any type of negative situation in life? If the boss would just change his view on internet usage then there would be no problem. If your boss just didnít have any negative response to you stealing from him, then there would be no problem Right? You wouldnít be punished, you could keep doing what you want, and there would be no negative consequences. But how often does that viewpoint or argument work in real life? Not too very often that I am aware of!

January 15, 2009 at 11:14 pm
(242) Ana says:

I am glad I found this thread and am equally glad that I am getting the opportunity to put in my 2 cents worth.

Some background. I am an accomplished professional woman. I have an advanced degree. I am very attractive. I am fit. I have 2 kids and I love sex.

More importantly, I love making love to my husband. My HB, on the other hand, is not as motivated as I am. He has a HS diploma and some college. He is constantly looking for a “better” job, but is turned down due to lack of experience/credientials.

He is fit, but he did not gain and lose weight with the kids as I had to do. As for sex. Hmmmmmm he prefers mb to porn. Why? To my knowledge, it started when I was pregnant. He lost his job and, I assume, felt scared about the impending responsibility.

Porn (and the MB that obviously accompanies it) was his “escape” from reality. Whenever I left for work, I realized he was logging onto Kindgirls and MB to images. Our sex life plummetted. I was always the one initiating sex.

I was always left in the cold. He would use sex as a weapon- angry with me for his failures. He was flirty. He always made excuses for his behavior telling me that I was too uptight even though his behavior towards females and female friends made me uncomfortable.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and weighed the pros and cons. I thought, at the time, that the porn issue would stop once we were married. we discussed our vows and the integrity of the marriage vows. We discussed one another’s expectations in honoring these vows.

The mistake that I made, according to him, was that I never specifically said that I was against porn in our marriage and that it was a deal breaker. In other words, he played a loophole and hid the porn use from me. After the birth of our second child, we contemplated splitting up but decided to give it one last shot.

We dove in 100%, well….I did. We married. Not even 2 months after the marriage, he started with the porn. Again. I caught him and was devestated because now not only was it an issue, but I felt that our vows had been violated. That the integrity of our marriage had been tarnished. He just laughed at me and said that I am overreacting, that this is normal behavior and that I have self esteem issues.

Are you kidding me? I am an accomplished woman who has all her ducks in a row. I am self sufficient and got back into shape after having 2 kids. I was raring to go sexwise and wanted to share my passion with my Hb. But, he had other plans.

My HB was not interested in resuming a sex life with his wife. Our bed became cold. I had a drawer full of Victorias Secret and heels and never wore them

Meanwhile, all the men I work with constantly tell me how lucky my HB is. The men at the gym hit on me. So, I know Im not a freakin hag.

I was willing to look past the fact that my HB did not have a college education and a high paying job basing our relationship on “love”. What a crock. He and his porn is nothing but white trash.

He brought our relationship down to the gutter with his behavior.

We spent months in marriage counseling and failed counseling.

He spent hours defending his behavior and justifying it. To this day, he insists that there is nothing wrong with what he did and that I am crazy to feel upset by the fact that he would rather “f***” an image than his wife.

The therapist basically gave up and said that the bottom line is that I am age appropriately mature and responsible whereas my HB is not. He is a self centered egotist who has such serious self esteem issues that whenever he gets upset at me for being more accomplished than he, he has to go MB to some bimbo online in order to make himself feel better.

POrn is his escape. Like an alcoholic is to alcohol.

The therapist’s feeling was that he is intimidated by me and that he uses porn and MB as a way to :”act out” against me. Our anniversary is in 2 weeks. We are in the process of separating. Porn is a problem and I hate it. But, I know that the only one to blame is my HB. He has to be accountable for his actions.

He chose porn over this marriage. He has chosen to disrupt the lives of our 2 children. He has issues. I am not to blame and I will not feel guilty for removing myself and my children from an unhealthy environment. How dare anyone make the argument that porn is ok.

How? What are the benefits? Have we become such a hedonistic socirty that we dont even consider the impact that porn has on young children in the home?

No matter what you morons say, there is no benefit to porn. There is nothing healthy about using porn in a marriage. I am NOT a religious nutjob or fanatic.

I am woman who worked very hard to get where she is, married late in life and expects some respect from my HB in the form of marital intimacy. I give 100% and I expect no less in return.

I am now suffering, my 2 kids are suffering, because my HB has been brainwashed by friends and a society that tells him that “every man does it”. Thats BS.

Well, as stated earlier, here’s another marriage down the drain – thanks to porn. So, to all you “MEN” out there who think that the wife is to blame, what do you make of my story? Gee…let me guess…I deserved it b/c I am such a b**ch, right? Yeah, thats what I thought.

You men on porn are pathetic. You’re pathetic little boys who are unable to have mature, real, intimate relationships and have to hide away in your little fantasy world because real women and real sex intimidates you. Sad. Sad. How very sad.

January 16, 2009 at 12:25 am
(243) Jannette says:

I’ve read all the above about how it’s an innocent guy thing don’t worry it’s nothing against you, or he’s a rat leave him bla bla bla….This is a 39 year long battle for me, at first when I was a perfect shaped sex loving wife willing to do and ry most anything to keep him ahppy and satified and now I’m much older and not so pefect — it’s all the same so far as the porn and his attitude about it. Out side of the bed roomwe have always been best friends, inside has always been a battle of trying to make him want me more, no he’s not some sex addict he just wants his porn. Now girls don’t think that sharing it with him will change anything about the sneek in him, they don’t want to share it, it’s theirs and like a dog with a bone they won’t give it up – they might get better at hiding it but they won’t give it up. So sit back and get used to it. They will count the seconds till your asleep out leave the house so they can get to their porn. It’s like when your a kid and might get caught – the thrill of the forbidden,. I finaly got to the pint of hey I want sex too so fine use me like a blow up doll ( we are no more a part of than the doll would be) . I want my best friend more than I need lover so like I say I’ll take what I can get and keep my friend. The hardest part is when I try toset up a “play date ” and come home and he sluffs me off cuz the porn got him first………

January 16, 2009 at 1:01 am
(244) Sandy says:

It was easier when I could roll uphis magazine say hey you can go F*** um all but your going to get on me to do it !!!!!! All we are is a warm moist substitute for their hand when they are too bored with that and will settle for second best. Don’t expect them to pen their eyes cuz then they are sc***ing you not miss january or loosie lou…. The sad part is out of the sexual part of many of these relationships these men are perfect loving husbands. If you skip the sex my husband is the best loveing careing man who would do most anything in the world for me, anything that is but put me first in bed. I could blame it on me haveing ben sick for the several years but even when we were first married it was the same thing well actually ir was worst then, I looked as good even better than most of the porn girls ( smaller of=n top though) then I fought it, now hell my illness has cause me to gain a lot of weight so hell I need the help getting started why wouldn’t he? But lke the girl before me said sharing it with them is not the answer it is the thought of you catching them or of doing it behind your back that heightens the thrill, back before the internet when I didn’t realize he had a new stach of pron hidden some where he would “acciently ” drop a subscription card behind a chair OOPS yea right. Now it’s like he feels all he has to do is errace the history on the computer and I won’t know , Hell thats the first give away , I check to see if its errased – yes he did still there I don’t bother to lok further, why hide whats not there, Yea as if I’m to stupid to not know why he errases what he thinks is all the history…………. Oh well at least now it’s filling in where I am not good enough, a man deserves a good sex life not some ugly fat sick thing, I am thankfull any time he has for me, if I had to look at me and get arroused I wouldn’t other either. But like I said his porn has gone down. I guess he doesn’t need to lok so hard to find something better than he used to. he always said I was the only woman he ever wanted, I would say yea and you do your regular research to make sure it’s still true. I gave up years ago, I never was and never could be “all” he wanted,as long as there is porn they’ll always need more than reality will give them, reality is just wha it is and well once you go to porn it will never be enough theyll always wonder what eles the other guys might be getting he’s not………oh well I chose to keep the good – and give up on sex.

January 16, 2009 at 3:37 am
(245) Am I your Wife ? / says:

A couple of days ago I read a lot of these post and really related to a lot of these women and how hurt they really are by thier husbands preference to porn over them. For all of my marrage I have wondered what was wrong with ME, when I was young and slim and could have had any man I wanted had I had the confidence or desire to do so. I would play the games try most anything with in reason to please him, from reading cheap porn in nasty hotels( i guess I was playing the cheap nasty whore)or finding a 3rd party to spice things up. I figured that if I could give HIM what he desired then he would want to do the same for me, a romantic night mixed in with the porn nights ( no the talk of romance only insured a arguement – no romantic storys read in nice hotel rooms those rooms offered pay pr view sex) you see my point I;m sure most of us have tried that logic to get them from the porn to us. Well as the years went by it was alwayd the same arguements, I kept blameing me for not being what he desired or not doing what he liked, or fought tooth and nail to make him change and well now I’m years older and not the girl who can compeat with the perfect little porn girls, heck I din’y even like to touch me, I don’t think I’m sexy or exciting anymore, I have learned well my place.

So any way I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I made the mistake of trying to set up a simple fun play time in bed ( he says I never make the first move) so I got him a silly little treat that is ment to suggest sexual desire and teased and touched him sexually , all of which he let just go over his head, I was not suttle, Well later when he went to the store I got on line and everything was errased from history ( I know because I had to reset my pass words) Well no wonder he ignored the advances while I was planning to enjoy time with him he was taking care of business . Now if gone for any length of time Go for it, but hey he jumped on the computer not t 2 minutes after I was out the drive.he was waiting for me to be out of the way. Well later we he said his treat was good I just said too bad it didn’t work ( I don’t bother to tell him I know about the porn any more I just concider it a given) and teased him about later he said yea he was real horny and made a bla face. Well in the morning I rubbed up against him and tried to get a spark no good. A little later I made some comment about the treat and all again and he says something about oh he didn’t know,and then knowing I had to leave in less than an half hour acted half ass like oh sure honey lets, knowing I could not be late and he would be saved from haveing to supply the pity play.

Well girls lets step back from our selfpity and evaluate things, we worry about being good enough for them and makeing them happy, lets swap shoes here, no we are not one of the stars true, but umm are they?? We try as we may but can’t do them the way those girls do their guys , but tell me can they perform like those guys do? We are not top heavy or perhaps a slim on nasty as those women, but are they as broad shouldered or endowed as those guys?? They shove us aside to drool and swoon over those women and we panic oh no we’re not good enough, maybe we should expect more from them and stop worrying about what we lack. Would any of our men stand a chance if put in room and expected to really please a woman ? Would he measure up? Concidering all the years of research and reading would he know the clit from an elbow? would he care? So what I have decided is fine he can have his porn and should he decide to grace me with his exceptional sexual abilities well go ahead – but you know I think the old saying if you can’t beat um join um could apply here — next time he wants to get drunk and have fun – I’ll watch that movie a lot closer cuz well since he’s somewhere else in his mind no reason for me being there all alone feeling rejected I’ll need to pick me out a well endowed professional to keep my mind busy too — why worry about who your body really is in his mind when with a lot of imagination your can be deciding who his body is filling in for…..and for times when he has it all in hand so to say well porn doesn’t do much for me but I’ve heard there are some really great vibrators out there think I might start a new collection, the way I see it I’ve ruined his fun for too long and need to just let him have his way without haveing to be bothered by my so called selfish insecurities. Think he;ll notice?? Out side the bed room we are best friends and I couldn’t ask for a better husband he doesn’t run around or even have a bowling night and no he dosn’t physically cheat so like some of the guys say why not just let him be ” all the guys do it” why should I let it bother me….. ( they are so ignorant when it comes to how women really feel – all our lives growing up we are tought that our body is the most important and valuable thing we have to offer our spouse, why should we then feel such hurt when they can’t stand it except when they need it stand in for another woman they have on their mind or when they get sick of their hand and need another piece of jacking equipment, some even compare us to the family goat>>>>> It’s about time I stop bothering him and spoiling his fun and i’ve wasted too much time crying over it so like a shrink once told me if you want something that bad rather than fight over it and force him to get it ( it was a heart shped necklace for my birthday) get it yourself and save both of you fro the misery of argueing over it.

January 18, 2009 at 9:48 pm
(246) Jimbo says:

Porn has a devastating effect on men psychologically and sexually. These comments from women about men and porn and how we are all “like that” really do not see the full picture.

Have a little sympathy here ladies. You are dealing with ADDICTS. Don’t get angry with your husband for his indulgence of porn, understand that he has a serious addiction. And it’s not necessarily because he doesn’t love you that he uses porn, it’s because he’s addicted.

I want to love and share my heart with a woman but because of porn messing around with my sex drive I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Not until I give it up, but that’s going to be extremely hard as I have been addicted since I was a pre-teen.

Women are so beautiful on the inside and outside and it is such a shame how things have evolved re pornography. Porn is a barrier to a proper loving male-female relationship, there is no question about it.

January 18, 2009 at 10:01 pm
(247) Jimbo says:

I also suspect that porn is one of the most addictive things out there. ESPECIALLY Internet porn as it tends to be (1) private, (2) available 24/7 and (3) offers huge variety.

Internet porn – the most addicting thing known to man? Very possibly.

Psychologists etc. won’t study this because it is a taboo topic. Anti-porn views are not accepted by the Establishment.

There’s basically a post-modern attitude to porn – that it’s not even up for discussion any more and it’s okay.

MAY I ADD to my last post also – don’t get angry with your husband. Get angry with the models who upload materials of themselves on the Internet, get angry with pornographers, get angry with Corporations that finance porn sites, get angry with and LEGISLATORS for not speaking about the issue or introducing bogus responses such as “restricting access to minors” or “TV filter boxes”.

Get angry with the Founding Fathers and Supreme Court Judges for saying that porn is “Free Speech” and thus cannot be prohibited.

The Founding Fathers were Freemasons by the way so this kind of morally-libertarian approach to porn that evolved from their Constitution is totally understandable.

These guys – and the Constitution – are totally idealised but the truth is they should not be. There’s nothing great about them. They were not revolutionaries they were the Establishment; the Establishment setting up a new System.

You might also consider getting angry with feminists whose anarchic attitude to sexual morality has fed alot of the move towards porn and hook-up culture. Some people like to misrepresent that porn is anti-feminist, it is not. It is totally feminist.

January 18, 2009 at 10:05 pm
(248) Ana says:

To Jimbo, you are more of a man than you will ever know and I have such respect for you. Porn addict or not. Your being able to admit the problem of addiction and the affect of porn on your relationship is something that my husband could not do. It would have saved my marriage and it would have resulted in closure for me so that we (my HB and I could have fought the addiction together. But, it was not something that he could do. Its what I needed from him – to stand by him and to understand and to help us get thru. Instead, he blames me for the problem. belittles the affect it has had on our marriage and and he cant understand why what he does affects our relationship or how I feel.
Best of luck Jimbo, I wish you well.

January 19, 2009 at 12:49 am
(249) Jimbo says:

I don’t have a relationship, that is the problem. I don’t know if your husband started his porn addiction before or after you got married, but it seems likely you would not be husband and wife at all if he was a serious porn addict beforehand. Porn wrecks have havok on both the initiation and continuation of a relationship.

January 19, 2009 at 1:10 am
(250) Jimbo says:

“I am a woman who strongly believes in what she does ó it is time that our society comes to grips with the fact that “normal” people (women especially) enjoy perverse sex.”

Sasha Grey, 20-year old pornographic performer (my age).

I often think that she is right and I need to dispense my idealistic notions of women and romantic monogamous love with women.

It’s a shocking thought, but increasingly, it appears like the only attitude that makes sense.

January 19, 2009 at 1:21 am
(251) Jimbo says:

Personally I think the sooner our psychologies evolve to have no ideas of romantic love and companionship the better. It will be easier for us in the long run. We’re not going to miss or crave something that we have no psychological conception of.

That is the problem at the moment. Women have to contend with men distracted/addicted by porn. Men have to contend with the upsetting of their sex life by porn, and women being completely comfortable with being pornstars and prostitutes, who generally have as loose an attitude to sexual morality as possible.

In the case of both men and women there are a percentage who are unhappy with this new order of Common Sex (Karl Marx actually used the term “free love” in his Communist Manifesto). But the world has moved on; society has been transformed.

Having a romantic soul in this day and age is positively painful. The sooner it is removed from humans the better.

January 19, 2009 at 2:53 pm
(252) justy says:

I think porn is a waste. I’m single and see it as dangerous for anyone who wants to have a normal relationship with a partner. I’ve been in relationships where as a couple we visited other couples or larger groups. For whatever reason some guy found it entertaining to play porn for everyone to watch. I simply left (and my partner happily followed). I have no problem with a men masturbating, it makes for an intense orgasm as a man controls it and how to do it best. But as far as a visual when masturbating, I’ve always my partner to pose for me and talk to me as my stimulation. I never had a need to look at anyone else except the person I’m with, and most women I’ve known (I’ve only had a few relationships) had no problem with watching me masturbate from being aroused looking only at them. On the emotional side, they always had the piece of mind knowing when I want to enjoy masturbating, I’d rather get myself off looking at them over viewing some body fake film “star” allowing herself to be degraded and abused.

January 19, 2009 at 5:56 pm
(253) Jimbo says:

“Iíd rather get myself off looking at them over viewing some body fake film ďstarĒ allowing herself to be degraded and abused.”

Are they though? I would say that’s entirely subjective.

Certainly they are exploiting men’s sexuality for massive financial compensation.

January 19, 2009 at 7:01 pm
(254) Justy says:

Considering the life after their film career, I’d think women in porn qualify as generally abused. Drugs and alcohol seem a factor from any TV commentary I see, aside from physical and emotional after effects regards having a normal life partner and a family. Aside from another porn person, who would want to be with a woman who did what most do with hundreds of men for a living, leaving the images for anyone to see ? They may look good (opinion) with all their surgery, but what normal man would want one as a wife or partner. It’s one step up on the food chain from a prostitute.

January 19, 2009 at 10:53 pm
(255) Husband of Beautiful Wife (12 years) says:

I concede that for the majority of marriages porn is a negative. It seems as most men are not committed to their wives.

I really appreciated Ana’s story. It is very unfortunate.

I love my wife and i love being with my wife. Due to some medical issues and emotions from a teenage rape, she is not always desiring sex. It takes some effort to get her in the mood, if she even wants to try. I respect that and love her all the same. I dont love her for her body. I do love that she cares about me and my sexual desires though.

My wife is awesome.

Dont trade your wife for porn. If you married her you must have thought she was the wonderful. Dont ever lose sight of that.

January 19, 2009 at 11:45 pm
(256) Jimbo says:

“Itís one step up on the food chain from a prostitute.”

I would say it’s practically the same, but that’s just me.

January 20, 2009 at 12:41 am
(257) ?????? says:

a simple comparrison, who would want to go play on a tire swing in the back yard — no matter how much you loved it after going to Disney land even if you didn’t fuly enjoy it???? After porn a simple sex life with your spouse is just not exciting no matter how much you love your spouse…. And if the tire swing is left unuseafter time it just hangs around and rots no matter how great it was in the beginning…….. yep this old tire swings just been hanging around too long and my desire for sex has begab to rot. When I think of sex I picture himsittiing at bthe computer one ear making sure I’m not close and one hand on his thing and the other on the key board….thats what we see while he has his fun. Then when he does decide to touch me all I can think about is what he saw thatcot it up long enough to do his pity f*** and who doing what is he really screwing…… how exciting is that???? hpw can we be expected to be turned on by that???? Yet they blame it on US for not keeping it interesting…..

January 20, 2009 at 1:48 am
(258) Jimbo says:

That’s pretty bad alright ??????.

But really as I say your beef is with the porn performers, legislators and the Freemasonic Constitution of the United States.

It’s not a matter of “keeping it interesting” ??????, you cannot compete. Porn really needs to be kept out of the question or else the whole thing is a losing proposition. His sex drive is in a tail spin. The sexual energy he would normally have for you is getting re-directed and just isn’t there any more.

This is not a case of adapting the situation, we need a completely different societal attitude to porn. And the law needs to change too – obscene addictive porn being “free speech” is a crime but that’s the Freemason Constitution for you.

Or if not, we better be prepared to continue having highly dysfunctional intimate relationship, and for things to get worse.

January 20, 2009 at 1:56 am
(259) Jimbo says:

“Considering the life after their film career, Iíd think women in porn qualify as generally abused.”

Again, it’s subjective. I’m sure if you did a psychological test on the current 20-year-old porn performers in 20 years time, you wouldn’t have a 100% rate of feeling “abused” or psychologically unhinged.

The sex “industry” is evolving all the time and the conditions are probably on the whole improving for the sellers, with less serious risks as time goes on.

Anyway, porn performers being abused shouldn’t be the hard and fast rule, which it tends to be at the moment in commentary.

“Aside from another porn person, who would want to be with a woman who did what most do with hundreds of men for a living, leaving the images for anyone to see ?”

I wouldn’t be able to hack it anyway.

January 20, 2009 at 2:09 am
(260) Jimbo says:

You know I just thought of something. Remember back in the 1960s feminists said they wanted to destroy marriage the nuclear family as their prime objective? Well, it looks like porn is the Golden Bullet for that.

January 20, 2009 at 12:00 pm
(261) Justy says:

Interesting that the tone occassionally now seems to “defend” people in porn ? I’ve never considered a woman something simply to “relieve” myself on or something to neglect, abuse, pervert, or degrade in any way. That is what porn shows women to be. Men who find that type of action, or have that mindset, seem common in the posts I’ve read regards partners with a porn problem and that is horribly sad. I feel terrible for the women who have posted telling about empty or destroyed relationships. But I deeply admire the courage and stand of those who got out of such disaster zone relationships. I hope those who escape that type of exchange find what they need and want elsewhere. To me a female is an equal, a buddy, a lover, and a confidant. Those are not the female images projected by porn. I HAVE to believe there are normal people in the world with a normal sense of what having a partner is (physically and otherwise). Otherwise I’d give up hope of finding whoever she is and just get another cat as a companion. At age 42 I’m more positive than that. Finally, I’d hope women who walked away from a “porn moron” have the open mind to not assume every male is of the same caliber as the loser she was with previously. I wonder how many men have lost out on a potential relationship because the woman became “hard”, “closed” or to protective of herself from her experiences with a porn addicted male. In those cases men are also casualties of pornography.

January 20, 2009 at 6:19 pm
(262) Jimbo says:

As I said above it is not fair to call men addicted to Internet prostitutes “porn morons”. We wouldn’t call alcoholics “alcohol morons”. Addicts do not necessary have control over their addiction or actions. They need support, not stigmatisation. Unfortunately that’s not much of a consolation to a woman experiencing little sexual attention because of porn.

January 20, 2009 at 6:38 pm
(263) Jimbo says:

You know what’s rather remarkable. How you can still have all the love in the world for women as human beings no matter how much porn you consume. I’ve been a porn addict for a good few years now but I’ve never stopped having respect for women or being able to be touched by them.

And yet, porn chains your heart and sex drive enough that you can’t connect or initiate properly.

January 20, 2009 at 7:27 pm
(264) Justy says:

A porn addict liked what he saw the 1st time and went for more on his own. The entire use/degrade, etc concept of women in porn is what the porn addict wants to see and prefers over normal sex with a partner. Just my opinion, but “support,” “pity” “not his fault” or similar feelings for those individuals is due to them about the same as having those feelings for a child molestor. If it looks like a pig, smells like a pig, and sounds like a pig, chances are it’s just a pig. Wake up.

January 21, 2009 at 12:23 am
(265) jake says:

I highly recommend the book, Divine Sex by Philo Thelos for anyone struggling with this problem. It could change your life.

January 21, 2009 at 2:46 am
(266) Jimbo says:

I think you are absolutely wrong Jimbo. I think people hear this meme that women in porn are abused/degraded as an absolute, and they just accept it. Well I don’t accept that.

I think the child molester comparison is also ridiculous. He’s sitting in front of a computer screen unloading his reproductive juice on inanimate objects. If anyone’s getting abused and degraded here, it’s him. He’s losing connection with his family, engaging in an essentially pointless activity, wasting time and energy; PLUS reinforcing addiction brain circuits.

If you can’t see the pain and emptiness there for the individual – which we can be sure about, unlike the female porn star – then I just don’t know.

Regarding the porn artists, they went into the business of their own accord, they can leave it of their own accord, and they are often making multiples of the average annual salary for their work. Considering all of this, it is not for me to worry about her particular case. In any event there’s no emotional or physical connection and there’s no way for anyone to know. Porn websites don’t come with phone numbers to contact the models in case you don’t know!

Why get upset about something which you’ve no way of solving, and which probably isn’t happening?

Assumption that women in porn are molested/abused – and it really is a whole different discussion.

You are dealing with an addiction. No matter how embarrassing that addiction may be, that’s still what it is. And Internet porn is one of the most addictive things in existence.

I strongly suspect you’ve not been there considering the callousness with which you are treating the porn user and victim.

Yes those addicted to porn are victims and there is no institutional support for them.

January 21, 2009 at 2:58 am
(267) Tricia says:

Divine Sex is a great book. It can be read online for free. Google it.

January 21, 2009 at 12:05 pm
(268) justme says:

Funny how some here say let them have it and see how they like it if you do it. My husband once bought us a “big”toy to play with, well after we used it together he got bored with it realy soon, but I kept useing it on my own. I mean he was off on the computer and had no use for me so well I decided fine whats good for the goose and instead of suffering alone decide I have a toy I’ll take care of me since he won’t. Well long story short he found out I put the toy to good use when he wasn’t there and so he went abd took a hack saw to – yep he didn’t like it when he was replaced with fantasy and masterbation….. I still 20 years later laugh about that and remind him about how he can do it and expects me to understand but when the table turned his ego couldn’t handle it……. Well I gave up a long time ago on his porn. I love him and he’smy best FRIEND. I take what I get and except it for it is, I can tell when he’s in his head or when he’s with me he knows that and I think he knows that nymoer I just really don’t care. It still hurts when I come to him and try to start something and he gets made or just turns me down and then I find out it’s becasue while I was out getting set for a fun night of sex he was busy on the internet. Oh and he still doen’r comprehend that when he erasses the history I know why, All I check any more is if it’s erased or not, I don’t need to read the history because if it’s there it’s clean if it’s gone his arm will be tired (HAHA) Oh well it sucks. HE didn’t go to porn becasue I let myself go – I was sexy and willing for many years – and he could care less, I got sick and it caused me to gain a lot of weight, but the porn got better after I gained not worst. He says he has everything he wants I guess he means that since he keeps a close account of what he doesn’t have just to make sure…… ha ha sick joke

January 21, 2009 at 1:31 pm
(269) sad about this topic says:

So sad… I am on my way to a divorce… 7 months into a separation with a man who lied about his pornography addiction. It is a selfish thing, lying and manipulating others to maintain your own habit is wrong… I tried many times to talk openly with him about it but he continued to lie to me. The trust meter ran down and there is no more left. People who will compromise their integrity for selfish satisfaction will not only lie and manipulate others about this issue but it will eat away at the very fabric of decency and respect in other aspects of life as well… When someone gets so good at justifying to themselves that it is ok they will find other ways to justify wrong deeds,,, that is when they are in an evil trap of selfish gratification that will only lead to heartache… Speaking from experience…

January 21, 2009 at 10:46 pm
(270) Ana says:

“Having a romantic soul in this day and age is positively painful. The sooner it is removed from humans the better.” Jimbo, you sound sad, lost, defeated and cold. This is the reason why porn has become such a perverse addiction for so many people and this is the end result of that perverse, twisted addiction. This sentiment is EXACTLY what porn trains a man to think. That sex and relationships and the intimacy that come with it are too complicated and are not convenient to have in a relationship. Instead, the man wants to havae immediate sexual and intimate gratification without expending any time, effort or energy into the realtionship. Naturally, a relationship void of intimacy or a “romantic soul” cannot flourish and it will die. Sex and relationships become cold. Distant. Sex becomes a sport for recreation, not to foster intimate fulfillment. You are so young. Why you would keep this attitude instead of breaking the cycle, I cant fathom. I would NEVER want to give up my romantic soul. The intimate connection with my husband transcends all boundaries of ife and made me a fuller person. Besides my children (who are the most important to me) Its what keeps my heart alive. Breathing. Its what life is about. I would urge you to get professional help. Why not? What have you got to lose? As to sad about this topic – I hear you and feel what you are going thru. Been there.

January 22, 2009 at 11:34 am
(271) ????? says:

A friend of mines husband once told her that the guys he worked with “got it once a day and twice on Sunday,” his wife “was alway wet and waiting” boy wasn’t that fun for her :(

January 23, 2009 at 1:48 pm
(272) anon says:

i have been married for 1.5 years. dated for 2 prior. like many who have commented here, i thought my husband’s use was occasional, and a stop-gap for when i wasn’t around. it was fine.

when we moved in together, however, i discovered his use was approx daily. i would go out for 2 hours and he’d surf the whole time. he lied constantly, which was devastating. i could see that he’d been downloading porn and ask him about it and he’d look me in the eye & lie, smooth as silk. i’d never have guessed he was being dishonest.

i googled his MSN handle, and discovered profiles on hook-up sites (designed for married people looking for extra-marital fun). when i confronted him, he explained that he never even messaged any one, just was turned on by the racy (desperate?) photos and comments.

the self-esteem issue brought up earlier matters. why is my husband willing to lie to me to protect this habit? what is SO important that he’d rather risk breaking down trust and honesty to protect it? that’s what makes me question my place in his sexuality.

research has demonstrated that men who consume porn regularly have a harder time maintaining a long-term sexual relationships. they have a harder time being turned-on by their wife’s changing body over the years, because they have trained their own to respond to a very very specific body-shape. i don’t want to be afraid of age!

he has “tried” to quit, and can’t. and by his own admission, won’t. whatever one’s values about porn, it IS like alcohol. if you control your use, fine. if your use controls you, there’s a problem. if you need to lie and deceive the people who love you to get your fix, you have a dependency that is unhealthy. our marriage counselor was blunt: “your porn use is hurting your wife, and making her feel insecure. your dishonesty is hurting your marriage and making IT insecure. if you want to keep them both, you’ll need to show that by letting porn go.”

he did reduce his use, but has never quit for more than a couple of weeks.

and just to pre-emptively answer the short-sighted questions: i’m young, fit, and am happy to pleasure my partner in any & every way he likes. whenever he wants. we have great sex when he’s not using, and quite good sex when he is – tho it’s much harder to satisfy him. this worries me… what will that mean down the road?

finally, we had our last discussion about it. he said: “I have lied to you about porn. And i’ve jeopardized our relationship by doing that. I’m sorry. But I’m going to keep wanting it. And I’m going to KEEP jeopardizing our relationship – I wish I were a stronger man. But the only way I’m ever, really, going to give up porn is if I’m brainwashed. I’d have to enter one of those brainwashing programs. I think that porn is healthy & natural. I want a marriage that has room for porn. That’s the kind of relationship I want. I thought you were ok with that – when we were dating, that’s what I understood.”

to me, porn has come to represent the thing that makes me feel most insecure in my marriage. his statement felt like this:

“I have lied to you about making you feel insecure. And i’ve jeopardized our relationship by doing that. I’m sorry. But I’m going to keep wanting to. And I’m going to keep jeopardizing our relationship – I wish I were a stronger man. But the only way I’m ever, really, going to give up making you feel insecure is if I’m brainwashed. I’d have to enter one of those brainwashing programs. I think that making you feel insecure is healthy & natural. I want a marriage that has room for making you feel insecure. That’s the kind of relationship I want. I thought you were ok with that – when we were dating, that’s what I understood.”

there’s so much anxiety in here from hurt women, who are trying so hard to understand and accommodate their porn-obsessed men. are they putting in a similar effort? are they staying up at night worrying about how to be “enough?” what happened to HONOUR one another?

January 25, 2009 at 9:47 am
(273) Suzanna says:

Selfish men do not care how women feel. They certainly don’t worry about pleasing you or being “enough” for you. All they care about is getting their rocks off to porn whenever they can, and then having YOU cook their dinner and do their laundry.

That’s THEIR idea of a happy and fulfilling marriage.

January 26, 2009 at 12:10 am
(274) ManWithAView says:

As a man who dealt with an off-and-on “acquaintance” with porn, the answer to why men turn to porn is basically simple, if two-fold:
1) When you’re young and single, porn and mb–whether the soft porn of Playboy in years past or the hard porn of video and Internet– offered simple sexual release. Depending on how young, porn was even needed, as your imagination was enough.
2) When you’re older and in a relationship, porn and mb is an alternative to many things, chief among them the need to deal with the messiness of intimacy, to actually take the time and make the effort to make things work with your girlfriend, fiancee, or wife. Men typically don’t know how to do emotions and introspection–it’s a learned behavior. Porn models don’t have emotions that you have to worry about, there’s no performance issues, and you don’t have to invest anything to get a return. It’s also a very, very lonely and unfilling pursuit in the light of day.

January 26, 2009 at 1:34 am
(275) anon says:

thanks, manwithaview…

your insight makes sense. but when porn use is complicated by deception and so on, it gets messy itself. it’s my husband’s vehement defense of his consumption that i find so disturbing. like it’s his Right to view it. if all it was, was a quick fix – a no-pressure thrill – i don’t think it would “mean” so much to him nor it would worry me so.

when he can tell me that he understands i’m hurt by his behavior, but he’s going to continue to hurt me in that way… how can there NOT be more going on there? what am i supposed to DO with that?

January 26, 2009 at 7:30 pm
(276) Jennifer says:

Honestly, I really donít understand some of you woman are offended by porn, Just because men like porn doesnít mean there selfish, How can you be afraid of something so fake, Because the truth is those woman are fake, Men enjoy just to see something different just like us woman would enjoy watching something different once in a while, Donít tell me those woman that have been married 20plus years donít get tired of the same thing or same routine over and over, I see porn as something to spice things up, So if woman consider porn like ďcheatingĒ isnít it cheating when we play with out vibrators, Because when you play with you vibrator you donít automatically think of your husbands, or correct me if Iím wrong, I watch porn with my husband and we are perfectly happy with our relationship, and yes we have had our fights like every normal couple but not due to porn. Porn jeopardizes your marriages if you let it get to you. Okay if you donít enjoy watching porn then really donít but donít punish your husbands because they donít want to. Men have watched porn all there lives, and even if they had the most ďPerfectĒ woman they would still watch it. How can porn hurt you? Its just a video. Honestly I would 100% rather watch porn with my husband rather than him go out and cheat on me. We donít watch porn every time we have sex, And if your husbands become addicted a lot of time itís the woman fault. For treating them like kids and restricting them from what they want to do. Would you let your husband restrict you from playing with yourself or from playing with your toys? Woman, what centaury are we living in? And its really so simple if it bothers you soooooo much your husbands or boyfriends watching porn, Pack up you stuff and leave! I donít mean to be mean or childish but itís the honest truth everything Iím saying sorry to be harsh but someone has to do it. Why donít you worry about the more important things in life and worry less about the little things like this. You only live once so ladies make the best of it and stop depressing yourselves over something ridiculous. Best of luck to all of you and your marriages.

January 26, 2009 at 7:44 pm
(277) Jennifer says:

Suzanna, Stop being so over dramatic! And isnít it selfish getting married to a man for his money! Isnít it selfish when men spend all day at work while the woman stay home and then payday comes along and then the woman takes it and goes shopping with the ladies? I know a lot of woman work but even if both of you work when its both payday you get the money pay bills and whatever is leftover you call your friends ď Hey girlfriend wanna go to the mall shopping?Ē Isnít that considered ďSelfishĒ. Iím a mom of a 2yr old we work and we both graduated from college, Both have a good job no worries about bills, and we donít have friends we believe friends ruin your relationship not porn. And when it comes payday we both enjoy it on what we want 50/50. I have a closet full of lingerie, cloth, shoes, and ďtoysĒ both his and mines and we donít spend out lives criticizing each others ever move. And during ďAloneĒ time baby we enjoy every single minute of it, He doesnít expect any more of me and I donít expect any more of him. So Suzanna maybe the selfish one is you!

January 29, 2009 at 2:04 pm
(278) Ana says:

Jennifer, sweetie, you completely and utterly miss the point. Its not porn that is the problem. Its that porn is being used by alot of the husbands as a vice – to avoid intimacy or as an escape from responsibilities and the reality of job, bills, marriage, being a prent and life. If my man hadnt let porn interfere with our intimacy and our marriage, I may not have this opinion about it. The truth is, its not porn that I hate so much. The truth is I hate my husband for CHOOSING porn over our marriage. But, that is and was his choice and I cannot control it. I have to move on and find what I deserve elsewhere. I tried, believe me…now its time to let go and wash my hands of the marriage. However, I will always continue to love him and will be friendly to him as he is the father of my kids and he is good with them.

Porn is his crutch because he is naive and weak. It ended our marriage but he has to love with that. Im ok,

January 29, 2009 at 2:11 pm
(279) Jon B says:

To Hot Porn Girl,
Really?
Whats your Stage name? Maybe Ive seen ya!

January 29, 2009 at 3:12 pm
(280) Jennifer says:

Ana Iím sorry to hear that, you see I understand that you can get mad for you husband going behind you back and doing what he did because I believe that men shouldnít be afraid of telling there wives or girlfriends the honest truth about there porn viewing, My husband used to be like that also he would go behind my back to view porn used to fill up the computer with it and then would say ď That wasnít me I donít know how that got thereĒ until one very early morning I noticed him get up very slowly and went to the living room where the computer is at. So I waited 10 minutes and saw he wasnít coming back so me slowly without making noise I got up and gently opened the door and to my surprise he was sitting on the computer chair watching porn on the internet so I immediately jump on him, argued for hours until I finally got so mad I got all his things and threw them outside, I told him to leave and told him if he would rather like watching porn instead of talking to me and telling me the truth I would rather him walk out the door and not look back, so I closed the door changed the locks and 1 day later he came back asked me for forgiveness told me ďhe loved me and didnít want to lose our beautiful marriage for something fake that he didnít loveĒ so we talked for a while I forgave him and he swore he would never do it behind my back ever again and tell you the truth to the day of today he has never kept anything from him, and when he gets the ďurgeĒ to watch it we do it together. The point is that I understand your mad because he went behind your back and avoided intimacy with you and that he choose porn over you thatís really ridiculous of him. So if thatís the case move on with your life. But that every guy enjoys and likes viewing porn is that truth, your not going to find not one guy that doesnít enjoy porn, Its something we all have to live by , and if we woman do not approve of our men watching porn then we have no other choice than to stay single and move on or other choice I recommend find your self a F***buddy lol, see him when you want to and then when your done with him send his a** home lol. thatís all I can I say. Good luck to you and everyone in this situation.

January 30, 2009 at 12:28 pm
(281) Ana says:

Jennifer,
Thx for your words. I can see that even though we dont have the same opinion – we can agree to disagree. As to all men watch porn, I dont know if thats true. But, I do know (as you acknowledged) that the issue is one of honesty, communication and trust. Once the trust is broken, its hard not to let those walls build. As to a f*** buddy, nahhh – not my style. I love sex, but I also love and respect myself so I dont NEED to have a f** buddy for sexual release. I much prefer making love, having sex or F*** a man who can look into my eyes, caress my cheek and, despite all the sexy dirty words that are cumming out of his mouth, that he loves me and cares for me. You cant get that from porn or a f*** friend. Maybe a plastic blow up doll? Lol.

January 30, 2009 at 1:48 pm
(282) Jennifer says:

LOL! yea maybe a plastic blow up doll, they never bother, they never complain, they don’t go behind your back, they don’t lie, they don’t cheat, and YOU use them when YOU want too. Maybe we all need one of those. Oh and I forgot something else they donít watch porn.

February 2, 2009 at 11:25 pm
(283) I-give-up says:

Oh well girls , get him out of the bedroom, do you love him? are you good friends? do you like to be together? how old are you? I hate porn and delt with it for too many years, I let it haunt way too many hours of my day. But think hard about your spouse and that above. Not as a sex partner but as a person ans friend what do myou feel about your mate? Sex is important true, but it only takes up a small amout of your time and it will no matter who you are become less important as you get older. So is this person someone you married because you wanted to spend your life with ( there is a lot more to life than just sex lots more) or did you marriy this person just to have sex with for the rest of your life? I am so glad I did not divorce my hubby over the porn ( he was not totzlly obsesed but it was still a problem and hurt a lot untill I decided I wanted my friend even if he was a totlly lousy lover) We are both past our prime, we’ve grown up a lot I know real romance isn’t haveing sex after wine and roses,and he knows real sex isn’t 6 women , a truck full of toys and a goat with an audiance ( or what ever) But what we do know is that sex is just one little part of who we are and I value our friendship much more than I hate our opposing views an what “good sex” should be. Once I stopped fighting him, he lost the need to defend it and now he may once in a while dabble in it but I can tell from the history that he does it out of habit and has lost the intrest he had for it. A few min, here or there is all. Still hurtd when he does but not worth the ill feelings and fighting any more – I ignore it and we go on to more important things ( ( when we have sex it’s good now since we don’t have the fight in it from porn ) Could it be half the fun for them is that he is mentally doing a no no he may get caught for?. Kinda lke drinking once it’s legal most the fun is gone ……

Anyway I’m glad I didn’t lose my best friend and companion over porn, we have a lot of good years to spend together, figure sex doesn’t last forever, but once it’s gonr friendship does.

February 5, 2009 at 12:49 am
(284) My wife lets me says:

I guess when you say till death do us part, it doesnt mean anything. In sickness and health and porn. Nope. Forget that.

Oh well. Just leave because you are jealous of other women looking good naked.

I guess men shouldn’t think any other women are good looking except their wives.

February 5, 2009 at 5:38 pm
(285) suzanna says:

This is to comment #284: One day your wife may grow weary of competing with all the good-looking naked women you sexually fantasize about and then she won’t “let you” anymore. She’ll probably leave you for a man who enjoys her more than he enjoys porn. But hey, at least you’ll have your porn to keep you company! So enjoy being married while it lasts, because it probably won’t last very long if you keep doing what you’re doing.

February 5, 2009 at 7:01 pm
(286) Betty says:

forsaking all others……

I gave my ALL to my husband, and ment it when I said the above. He made the same vows, now tell me how sticking his head in porn all night is forsaking all others?
our bodies and our hearts are the most valuable possesions we have to each other when your man or wife only use your body to be a hand replacement while they dream of others is in effect tell their so called loved spouse that they are worthless to them

February 5, 2009 at 11:42 pm
(287) get real says:

hey 264 it fine to appreciate other handsom and good looking other people, thats not what porn is about and you know it. Men like you can’t understand why women feel about men and porn the way they do. When they marry you you promise they will be the only woman in your heart, life and bed. We may be in the bed physically but your minds are every where but with us. Remember the old saying “it’s the thought that counts” ? Well it’s that thought your getting off to not her and she knows it. Oh and another thing you guys are lame enough to complain thet wives lose intrest and don’t want sex anymore, well while your brain has images of sluts doing who knowws what we have images of you sittng like blobs in front of a computer or magazine looking like stupid glassy eyed perverts one hand hold ing the images your drooling over the other lost in your lap…….oh yea we sure find that a turn on …dirt prevs masterbating whats not to love……… picture your self and tell me should we feel excited?????? no way dream on STUDS YOUR NOT real men want real women, they don’t need porn to make um perk up…….. It’s a good thing some of you are good people out side the bed room cuz if it was all up to your porno sex appeal you would be s.o.l. so to say….SO TRY WHAT I SAID NEXT TIME YOUR GOING ALL VISUAL VISUALIZE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE AT THAT TIME,,, ENJOY THE GROSS CLOWN IN THE MIRROR.

February 7, 2009 at 3:21 am
(288) JohnP admirer says:

I like this recession. It has cleaned up mind for a lot of people already by removing their sense of entitlement. A lot of people have learned that they are not entitled to the things they have – a nice house, a good job, a good spouse – so now they are learning to value those good things again. Unfortunately this understanding came painfully, but it was necessary. I expect the divorce rate to go down dramatically for this and the next year – because of a simple fact that people are not concerned about porn when they are concerned about what they gonna eat next month.

Me and my wife lived through a war – a real one, with deaths, tortures and misery. We lived in poverty and have worried for the food for our children. And even though we’re now veeeery far from misery (hopefully), we did not forget our past. There is no way porn or something like this would be an issue in our relationship. It is so unimportant comparing to what we went through.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but in my opinion some of you people need to learn what real hardship is. Twenty five percent of Earth population lives in misery and has no access to basics. Crying all night because your husband wanked on some stupid plastic chick in porn is just ridiculous.

February 7, 2009 at 7:35 pm
(289) Man with a point of view says:

(287)REAL:
You talk about us men not being studs and watching porn like blobs well what can you say about the woman that eat like cows and then asks her husbands ďhunny do I look fat?Ē and when the husband says ďhunny you have gained a little weightĒ you go off complaining because we are saying the truth well maybe us men wonít watch porn if some of you woman donít let your selves go and start looking like fat cows! Leave us with our porn and we will leave you with your pizza and chocolate! We work pretty dam* hard for our money and need to spend our money on something that looks good. Sorry for being harsh but I had to say it.

So stop talking smack about us men so we donít talk smack about you! So stop complaining like fat desperate house wifes! And for your INFO I ainít no dam* fat blob like your husband so speak 4 yourself.

February 9, 2009 at 3:02 pm
(290) A real answer says:

If any of you out there are seeking a real answer and are in deep despair, there is an answer.
Please, please at least visit http://www.sanon.org
While you are there, check the meetings list.
Then, commit to at least going to two meetings and check it out.
You may find, just like I did, that compulsive porn use is a disease. And in many cases, that is only the tip of the iceberg of lies that you have been living with and never known it, until one horrible day.
And divorce won’t solve it, because you will learn that there is something inside you that was drawn to that horrible disease, because you were able to mistake distance for truly being present and true intimacy.

February 10, 2009 at 5:45 am
(291) get real says:

man with a view, ahh yes blame her , shes not as perfect as the fake one. Most women who let them selves go do so because the so called man they are with can’t handle reality. After awhile we get the message and learn our place.Instead of us( the one you thought was hot but got bored with as soon as it wasn’t new any more)you prefer to let your perky hand work over your tucked under undies while they look and an image that in your mind finds you ooooh so hot and oooooh so perfect, the fake image that you can abuse or do any low life skany thing to and then believe that she just loves it. HE/you are always the biggest and hottest no room for less – in your mind. In reality you don’t know if you have what it takes , you don’t want to be bothered with the other person they might have needs and well they don’t suit you, she may not like being your perverse object of gross deeds, you might think shes had bigger, harder or or doesn’t think your mr. stud like your fake girl does. Your the type who thinks your partner should be wet and waiting, wanting nothing but to please you and disapear when YOUR done. Oh yea and all that at any time your arm get tired!!! So yea we do lose intrest, and may give up tring to to look our best for you , why should we????? You don’t care about us sexually all we are is a fill in, it’s not us in your beds it’s visions of grandure you have rotting up there. You don’t see or even really feel us , and well to be honest like I said before while your mind is filled with what you put in. Know what you guys put in our minds, you ( fat , skinny , perfct build what ever it all the same) you there undies tucked under your bubbles hand in place with a dazed idiotic glaze on your face……Oh yea thats real sexy.Oh and the work part are you reffereing to a job or in front of your computer? We work too you know , but you would have to get beyond yourself to know that and well it wouldn’t fit the porn girl image if you had to picture a woman any where but hottly waiting just to please your needs……..GET THE PICTURE????? THE ONLY ONE YOU REALLY GET EXCITED IS ATTACHED TO YOUR ARM.WAKE UP BECAUSE SOMEDAY IT WILL GET THE BEST YOU HAD TO OFFER AND NO REAL WOMAN WILL WANT YOU , AND YA KNOW THE FAKES YOU WORSHIP WOULDN’T WANT YOU ANYWAY. THE BEST YOU CAN HOPE FOR IS THAT YOUR A MAN OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM WHO IS GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE UP FOR THE HELL YOUR CAUSEING IN IT. THAT AS A FRIEND AND COMPANION YOU MAKE UP FOR WHAT YOU DEPRIVE HER OF YOU CAN’T GIVE HER IN THE BEDROOM. NO HONEY IT’S NOT ALL HER FAULT YOU CAUSED IT WITH YOUR SELFISH WAYS AND BY PUSHING HER AWAY, IF YOU PUSH IT US AWAY LONG ENOUGH WE WILL STOP BOUNCEING BACK. GOSH CAN’T YOU JUST SEE YOURSELF AN OLD WRINKLED UP MAN WITH NOTHING BUT YOUR PRON TO ROCK ON THE PORCH WITH WHEN YOUR TOY WON’T PLAY NOMORE…… IS PORN REALLY WOTH IT LONG TERM???? WE LOVE OUR GUYS AND WE NEED TO KNOW THEY WANT US, AS US FOR WHO WE ARE.

February 10, 2009 at 4:41 pm
(292) Be Realist says:

Why do you woman get so mad cuz a man is watching porn, I watch it and I love my wife very much, I still pleasure her and she is very happy with our sex life, And my wife is kind of thick , but she is thick not cuz of me, but cuz of her mouth! I love every juicy inch of her and I would never sacrifice our relationship for something so meaningless.

Some of you woman take it to the extremes either you want attention or youíre just pathetic and need something to write to pass the time. Porn is fake , how can you be angry at something that isnít real, I enjoy it because it arouses me watching other woman having sex with other guys, but not because I wish it was me.

I am not a porn addict I control myself very much, my wife understands me. And when I watch it is us together, Would you rather your husband doing it with you or your husband doing it with another woman. Me as a man I believe, every guy in general watches point at some point and enjoys it. I also believe a lot of woman watch porn and enjoy it too. So whatís the big deal? A porn addict will never recover from watching porn and when they think they did they will fail!

Think of it this way would you really give up a marriage cuz of a DVD or video or magazine? A guy playing with him self is not a sin, and a woman playing with her self too is not a sin either. Its just human nature, there are a lot of woman cheating and watching porn behind there husbands back also.

Why do you woman get so ridiculously stup** about something fake grow up. ITS FAKE! Learn it, Live it, Love it.

February 10, 2009 at 9:29 pm
(293) kodi mccall says:

men dont get it, you all seem like its not that big of a deal. my husband sneaks around and its feels like he is cheating on me. i’m open to doing most anything any time so i cant seem to understand why he would want to watch porn. i could care less what those other women look like. im comfortable with myself so it is not a jealousy thing. if you dont show your wife much attention and you go and watch porn its going to seem to her that you are stabbing her in the back.

February 11, 2009 at 1:00 pm
(294) Porn-addict says:

Well, I must say that I have enjoyed this long reading. Yes, I am a porn-addict; in fact I am a sex addict. I am married and at one point I had to change or my marriage was going to end. I had to realize that the fact that porn and sex are wrong and dangerous, because as beautiful and pleasurable sex is, if you misplace it you have the danger of becoming a slave of yourself.

I will try not to extend myself. I am an MD, so you can well believe me that I am very familiar with all the chemicals that our bodies generate. In fact I am a neuron-surgeon. My wife is an architect; so we are not “uneducated people”. My wife is absolutely gorgeous. She is 37 and she looks 27. She is fun, interesting, intelligent and very sexy. A magnificent body… the type of woman that every man dreams on. But even with all that I had a problem. I was misplacing my sexuality. It started with the “innocent” look at a bikini photo on the internet with the stupid self excuse “it would look good on her”…; it develop into more “searching and looking” and eventually to desiring to masturbate. And not because my sexual life was bad (we got married 10 years ago and I must confess that her sex drive is wonderful) but because I decided to contemplate and entertain myself in a “fantasy” of desire with “pictures”. And it was not a “desire” for those women, but the same desire that an alcoholic has, that can completely dislike what he drinks yet be gratified by the alcohol in the drink and its effects in his body. The difference(if you allow me)was that the alcoholic must drink, and the pornographer must see.
But then, porn turned into a desire for more. Because porn becomes non sufficient. And I started to visit other websites that promote affairs. Of course you already know the next step. I started to meet women that were also looking for sex. At the beginning was “great”; here I am meeting two to three women a week that I can bring to my office and “do it” without entering into “affairs”. And eventually I started to look at other women as objects, and only desiring and wanting to please my own crave for sex, and even desiring good decent women that worked with me and for me.
And at one point in my life the situation turned out of control. My days were meant to be a self competition for more pleasure, to delight myself into the “anonymous land” of the internet where I could start watching videos and scheduling sex encounters. And the first thought came to my mind; “I am living two lives”. The “doc” that everybody loves, and the “man” that is a slave of his own uncontrolled body.
And one day my wife found a “photo” in my laptop. I saw her in her eyes; she was hurt. Of course I denied everything and said that probably someone at the practice had downloaded. That evening I sat down and realize that I was entering into a very dangerous game, but I my body was “asking” for its “need” and responding with its “satisfaction”.
About two months later I “got cough” one more time, and this time my wive’s reaction was plain and simple; “…you are cheating on me with these pictures…” There was no way out do deny it or to pretend what in fact was fact. She knew at that time that I was being addicted to porn. She didn’t, and will never know the rest. I had to take a serious step if I, indeed, wanted to save my marriage (by that time our sexual life was absolutely deteriorated and, my wife felt completely disrespected by my constant surfing into porn). I talk about it to a good friend and he was not nice at me (because he told me what I did not wanted to hear). After that I talked to my wife. We sat down and we share the fact that I had a problem, that I wanted to solve it and that I needed help. From there we had to take my steps. The fist ones were simple ones and logic ones. All my electronic devices that could have an internet access had an internet filter protection and only my wife knew the password. I canceled my cell phone and got one were all my minutes were shared with her, giving her full access to all my cell phone numbers. I started a sharp schedule to be home early and many other small and easy tricks… It was not easy because (I do not want to enter into medical facts) my brain was “demanding” do my body what my will was shutting down. It was not an easy battle. But it is a battle that can be won.
I have read some comments of religious character. Well, in my case religion did meant a lot. It even meant a conversion (in my case and my wives case for we converted together) to Catholicism. But it is through the truth of spirituality that you can only understand the beauty of sex in marriage and the danger of (in this case) porn and sex out of marriage.
For the ladies with husbands addicted to porn. I will be straight to you and I know that it is what you do not want to listen. Your marriage is failing. And your fault of this failure is not that you are not corresponding him, or that you are not as beautiful as the woman in that photo… and maybe by now as beautiful as “the other one” who “fulfills” his “fantasies” (that is a lie… this fulfilling fantasies is a great lie for fantasies take you away from reality; but that is another comment). You are a failure because you are not capable to be a wife and tell your husband that he is hurting you and that he is being unfaithful to you. That he is not respecting you and that he is (in cases) stealing the monies that belong to you and your children. A failure because may be none of you know each other.
Pornography is a serious problem in todays society. But this does not mean that we must slave ourselves into it. The same way we care for our bodies eating and cleaning, we must take care of our bodies in the matter of our conducts within the Natural Moral Laws.
If you are a man and a woman that is addicted to porn, you have a problem. And if you are married, your days as a married man or woman are counted, because this cancer of porn will silently spread in your family life.

February 11, 2009 at 4:01 pm
(295) Not saying says:

(Porn-addict) I really donít mean to be disrespectful in any way to you or any of the other men here, I just want to say my point of view to you please do not get offended by my comment but you were being a total D**k to your wife because I respect my husband decision to watch porn and I even do it with him and I also enjoy it but one thing is to watch porn and another is to go out and look for other woman, Me being your wife and finding out about your so called ďdesireĒ for other woman I would have dump you like a pile of sh** even if now your regretting what you did, There is a line that us woman put up with you guys, I donít mind the porn, But it pis**es me off when a guy goes to the street to look for another woman. You donít deserve a chance with your wife or any other woman because truth is once you do it you keep going back for more, Now you may think you recovered but wait a couple weeks, or months or a year.

If your wife is so perfect like you described her there was no need to go out to the street and look for another woman, you had at home what supposably every guy wanted you just gritty and wanted more very selfish of you. And trust me I donít care how many filters you wife puts on the computer for the internet, there is a special website that I know that even with a filter you will go through to porn, My husband did it.

Porn becomes addicting if YOU let it me and my husband watch it together every once in a while his not addictive to it and neither Iím I. When we have sex we donít watch porn every single time. I feel very sorry for your wife and to tell you if you donít tell her the truth about what you did before with these other womanís you will pay for it with you conscious. You will take this secret to your grave and even then you will still pay for your mistake. To start clean you must tell her the truth and if she dumps you is because you deserve it anyways, sorry to be harsh.

Your what every woman would hate to have, you should be ashamed, And to believe that you still can sit there and look at her straight in the face with no remorse. Youíre a shame to woman and to all men. You made me so mad that I can probably keep writing a whole page of what I think of you. But Iím not I said what I had to say to you. Let god and your conscious take care of you. My deepest apologize to your wife poor woman has no idea what type of guy sheís with!.

February 11, 2009 at 7:56 pm
(296) BC says:

Inquiry to #268 justme ( Jan 21-09 )
OR anyone whom can answer my question !

I am curious if there is any other way you can tell if he is still going to the porn sites?
You said you could tell “if the history had been erased” . How can you tell? If it has been deleted –how can you still tell if he’d been there? Does he erase most of his history anyway?
Is there another way to find this out on the computer?
We just got a new computer & totally by accident I found out the my husband had been going to porn sites. ( that answers my question of why he’d be up so late on wk-ends)
How ? Because that was the second place(s) he went on it… I noticed it was every wk-end on the new computer !!! Should have waited longer to see if he was still going.
Now I wonder “actually” how long he had been going to these sites. Wish I could get into the old computer & find out, just how much he had been truthful to me. When I first confronted him about it–he said he’d only gone a few times. But later he finally said he’d been going a few MONTHS.
I told him how this made me feel like someone stabbed my heart&tore it out. That it made me feel like a total failure.
He apologized & said he’d NEVER go again & so far he has been honest there. But having to talk with someone — I found this site & I am so amazed at how many many many others that are out there that feel as I do. (thought I was going nuts & felt like I just didn’t understand. We have been married 26 1/2 years.
and never once have I ever grown tired of him or our love making or our lively hood.
BUT going to a porn site never ever crossed my mind. I am totally happy –WHY WOULD I !
I had female surgery over a year ago, but it took longer to recovery than expected.
His excuse for going to porn sites was that it had been a long time & he was afraid he’d hurt me when making love.
I wonder now…
I had to talk & him being my BESTFRIEND I turned to him for answers to help me understand my feelings & hurt. Questions that only he could answer. He did get some what angry with me & felt I was brow beating him about it& just digging at it. Which I felt I wasn’t — I just wanted honest answers to help me cope with my feelings & where I stood..
Thanks for reading & listening.
It really does help to talk about it, but it isn’t a cure.

February 11, 2009 at 8:47 pm
(297) slogan says:

I just turned 30 years old and am the mother of 3 wonderful children. My new husband is 26 and we have been married going on 6 months now. I have recently found that he is surfing the porn sites. Does this bother me? YES!! Have I told him? YES!!! Does he stop? NO!!! It makes me feel as if I am not doing enough for him in bed. I try new things, I buy sexy outfits. But still after we make love, he lays there for a moment, says he can’t sleep and goes to the living room and watches porn on his laptop. How am I suppose to feel. GOOD? I think not. I feel as if what I just did wasn’t what he was looking for and now he needs a fix. He says that he has always watched it and it is nothing to him. Just like watching a movie. But if it is nothing then why lie about it and why can’t he give it up? I used to play with toys alone before he and I got together. But not now. They are gone and forgotten. Because I respect and love my husband and am completely satisfied sexually. Why can’t he realize this is really hurting me and our marriage?

February 12, 2009 at 1:36 pm
(298) Jennifer says:

(Slogan) Don’t blame yourself for your husband porn viewing habits, Its not that he doesnít love you or that you donít satisfy him I believe that they just do it because they like the thrill of hiding things, When I was in the same situation as you I got mad, Cried and even went to the point of divorce but then I realized is it really worth it? Anyways every guy watches porn unfortunately so you know what I say if you canít beat him join him. Now my husband never watches porn behind my back because we watch it together so now that I allow it he wonít watch it. Its funny how guys work.

To men porn is like watching a movie. Something very normal for them. Maybe not normal for you but for them yes. What you should do is watch it together and if you believe thatís not going to work for you, Talk to him tell him you donít want him watching these movies and if he continues then kick him to the curb!
Because I believe that in a relationship we should both trust each other no matter whatís the situation, There is always a way to work things out. But remember this you can never prohibit someone from doing something just because you donít want them too. Because thatís were you start breaking the line. I mean unless its something weird like child molesting, or killing someone. Thatís a different story. But porn men will keep watching for centauryís to come.

You will feel awkward the first time both of you watch porn together but after a while you start getting used to it. I mean you donít have to do it every time you get intimate with him. But everyonce in a while is okay. And trust me you learn new things from porn and at the same time it spices things up. Guys donít care for lingerie lol or toys they like hardcore stuff. Well good luck to you and every woman in this situation and remember things are never as bad as you seem. :)

February 13, 2009 at 12:12 am
(299) My wife lets me says:

To (285) suzanna- First, my wife doesn’t ever have to compete with porn women. Not only is she good looking physically but she is beautiful as a wife, mom and person. Second I have NEVER EVER fantasized about any women in porn. That is the absolute truth! The thought is disgusting to me. She would never leave as i will never leave her. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Society ignores that these days though. 12+ years and it will be many more.

(297) slogan says: – If you are screwing him after sex then he wont be going to watch porn. Men want it more than most women are willing to provide.

Why are women so jealous? If you are having sex with him then he cant be looking at porn. If you see him go and pleasure him right then! If you arent able to at the time then why are you mad that he is enjoying himself. He wont care if you pleasure yourself when he isnt around!

February 13, 2009 at 3:48 pm
(300) Jennifer says:

To (my wife lets me): I understand you 100%, why would woman want to compare themselves to these nasty prostitutes, A lot of those woman either are who*es, Have diseases, and are nasty. Not all the woman in these porns have a perfect body. Correction no woman has the perfect body! We are all different in our own ways. And every woman is beautiful in there own ways. When I watch porn with my husband I donít lay there thinking ď God I wish that guy was himĒ I love my husband very much. And if I play with my self he canít get mad either, And if he asks me ď babe did you play with your selfĒ I say yes the truth, why lie? And say no.

He canít prohibit me from using my toys, thatís what they are there for. If heís not around to pleasure me at the moment I pleasure myself. Call me young and naÔve, call me what ever you want. But the only thought that counts to me is my husbands. And he never complains, why would he? He has everything he wants with me and I have everything I want with him. In bed Iím a total slut, And in public Iím a respectful loving mother, wife and friend. I donít go around like some woman flirting with guys, going clubbing, or even going to bars.

I have 2 friends and thatís it. Donít want friends donít need friends, my best friend is my husband and my 2yr old daughter. I accept my husband and he accepts me. What more can I ask for? So bottom line stop crying stop arguing over something so small and insignificant. Live life we only live once. Are you really going to spend what ever is left of your life arguing and crying because you b/f or husband watches porn?

February 13, 2009 at 11:57 pm
(301) ********** says:

My husband is all confused and mad becasue of Valintines day, why should they be obligated to a stupid day BLA BLA BLA—– I say we put up with their porn, we try to fill their fantasys, play the whores for them so they can feel excited and not get bored. Sex should be for mutual excitement, if we can be your whores why can’t you once a year be our prince in shining armor? If we can let you feel like mr studly why can you treat us like southern belle and treat us to a nice romantic night where we are desireable ladies you want to make real love to not the internet man version. Touch us like you want to feel us instead of like your in a hurry to get it wet, kiss us like you want to kiss us not like you have to to shut us up, and then be With us not just on us. let us feel like a woman and not a blow up doll or some prostitute your paying for. Think about what might really turn us n not what you want to turn us on……..Sorry but looking at porn turns you on , us looking at porn turns you on, (yes we like it sometimes too but not always)

How hard is it for you to once a year to let us feel like were special like what we want is important. Allow us to feel like we are sharing sex not just doing it to each other. Lets us feel like we are what turns you on not that the ehought of what your going to do to us turns you on. Believe me there is a big difference between the two.

Porn ruins any ability to enjoy real sex with a woman that is true and from the heart. It takes the purity of it and waters it down to just what you can do different next time – always something new and better to be tried and found but you lose the ability to enjoy and share the emotional loveing part of what it should be.

February 14, 2009 at 3:58 am
(302) Valentine says:

Wow girls how many of yu expect that your porn lovin hubbies will actually come through with a day that will reflect what you want? I have been married enough years to know what I can expect, resentment and anger. He hates it. The closest he gets to honoring the day is to resentfully buy a card or some flowers and take the 20 seconds out to exchange them. And the only reason he does that is becasue after the first couple years were married and he never had the “chance ” to get a card I bought one for him and signed his name to it becasue as I told him if we had company I didn’t want ti be emabrrassed by just haveing my card to him on the shelf. I know thatwas very childish of me to do and believe me girls it’s good for a fight.
Well my thought on it now is if I’m importsnt enogh for the card to come from the heart he won’t rush out the morning of and cover his ass by getting be a cord out of resentment, he will have actually taken time out to do so becasue he felt it was worth a few minutes out of his day to think about makeing me feel important enough to be botherd with. If he does it out of pressure I DON”T WANT IT !!!!!

We girls try all year to have them want us over porn, to fill fantasy for them, why can’t they one day concider us and our desires to be special enough for them to try and fill some of our fantasys? You know wine and flowers, kisses and forplay followed by love making instead or beer and watch porn followed by a good ole F***ing ????
Then again they could do like my hubby does wait till, I go to the store or bed you know basically just get out of his way so he can honor his favorite valenitne without the distraction of me getting in the way……. It’s funny there are times when he actually gets one line ,straight to porn before I HAVE TIME TO REACH THE CORNER. It makes me feel like I’m an intruder in my oun home, like I should find reasons to get out if the way. Like he can;t wait ti GET RID OF me so he can see his true love……

Oh well better get the beer in the fridge , I’m sure I’ll need a couple extra to numb my attitude and keep me from showing my real feelings about his neglect, remove myself from the reality of it and just center my thought on the basic sex of it, at least then I get something out of it. If all you expect is to get F****ed then you are not disappointed.

February 14, 2009 at 8:57 pm
(303) maria says:

Someone please tell me what I am to think about my situation. We have been married almost 8 yrs. and I caught my husband masterbating to porn with in a year of our marriage. He told me it was because my weight repulsed him. Off and on over the last eight years Ive caught him numerous times masterbating. Recently I caught him again and ask him WHY??? He said This time he said it is because he gets more gratification from porn that sex with me. Our sex life never really recovered from the first comment about my weight. The intimacy is zero-zero. He even told me sooner or later he would run upon someone that would give him hot and senual sex. His first wife told me he was cheating on her in two years of their 25 yrs. toghether. He is 60 yrs. and he has explained to me that he wants a lonnnng protracted love making session and that he is not getting that from me but he never initates and acts not interested when a I do. I think he has viewed porn for so long that he has really lost touch with what real sex is like between two real people. What do you guys think??? Please give me feed back.

February 16, 2009 at 3:51 pm
(304) Jennifer says:

Sorry Maria to hear what happened to you. Sorry to tell you the truth but what makes you think if he was unfaithful to his first wife he wonít be with you. In part its your fault for not having sex, and if your over weight why didnít you lose it, Not just for him but more importantly to you! If you let a man walk all over you then he will do it . Donít put up with that bastar*s crap. Move on, I have seen that there is no respect anymore in relationships. No respect what so ever. How sad.

Me and my husband respect each others decisions 100%, Canít complain for valentines day I got a romantic dinner, a card and flowers in the restaurant, It came out of him to do it. Iím sad to hear that some of your husbands didnít do nothing for you. You woman are with guys that honestly donít deserve you! Sorry to say that your with good for nothing men! Ladies you have to learn how to stand up for yourselves what centaury are we living in. We are not the little woman that used to get beat up and smack around like back in da days! Now a days it should be the other way around! LOL I make my hubby clean and cook atleast twice a week or else lol!

February 16, 2009 at 4:16 pm
(305) slogan says:

to My Wife Lets Me, if my husband wants more from me he knows that all he has to do is ask. At times i want it more than he does. the problem is that after we make love he doesn’t say he wants more. he DOES finish, and seems to be satisfied. but then goes and watches the porn. he doesn’t masterbate to it. so i really don’t know why he watches. as far as my sex drive is concerned, i am in over drive. so it has nothing to do with the frequency. it is about his addiction.

February 16, 2009 at 11:54 pm
(306) My wife lets me says:

(301) ********** says:—-Valentines day is stupid. Your woman should be special EVERY day and not just once a year. I send my wife flowers/chocolates/balloons at various times for no reason other than i love her. I sent a singing telegram last summer. (Got her good!) Showing your wife you love her is not a duty, its something you do from the heart, everyday, all year.—-Porn does not ruin sex with my wife. I love it all and she does the best she can (frequency) and i love her for it. We have real love. Not porn crap. We both enjoy it. It is totally emotional and loving. Why would i imagine porn when having sex when i have the best woman/wife in the world right there? I know most men probably dont think this way though. Sad really.

(305) slogan says: I am sorry to hear that. You deserve a man who wants you not for sex, but because he loves you and dreams about you. It seems that porn has created a rift in your marriage.

12 years and still going strong. I am laying beside her now and she is asleep. I will kiss her softly and then dream about her after i have fallen asleep. :-)

February 17, 2009 at 3:35 pm
(307) Jennifer says:

There is a porn ďMOVIEĒ I recommended to couples, This is an actual movie its called ďPirates Stagenttis RevengeĒ I think its really good, But donít rent it in blockbuster because it has no porn!. Buy it ,burn it and watch it together with your hubbys, This is a movie you will both enjoy! Both men and woman will enjoy. Trust me!

To (My life lets you) I agree with you 100% valentines day is just a stupid day for companies to make extra money. A man or a woman should show there love everyday of their lives to each other, Not only with a stupid balloon or candies on a specific day you show it with your heart not your wallet, Some people really donít appreciate the small things in life.

If you have a man that all he does is drink beer and watch porn than there is no need to be with such a guy like that. Because everyone deserves better! Thank god for the man Iím with, excellent father, excellent husband and excellent lover . He watches porn with me once a while and is not scared to confront me with any situation.

February 17, 2009 at 11:39 pm
(308) Honey says:

ok…for all you women who want to show your man how you feel….heres a lil tip..its up to you if you want to use it. It worked for me.. My boyfriend USED to watch porn but stopped because he wanted to only bcuz of me. He would also use the excuse of..” you hardly wanna have sex…blah blah blah” so when i found out that he was watching porn i kindly asked him to stop..he told me he would till i caught him red handed. So i let it go for a while and thought of a way i could let him know how i felt about it and let him feel it too! (this may seem harsh at first but ladys we didnt get our rights to vote by being nice or letting things go…so get some balls and stand up and defend your self..when it has to do with defending yourself everything goes!) So I started watching it with him.. and everytime id catch him i would tell him not to take it off that it was ok..and i would sit next to him. if he wanted to have sex i would agree.. it stayed like this for a week and one day we were watching it and he got real excited and wanted to do it… and when we were getting undressed he turned off the tv..(witch he never did the other times) and i asked why he did that..he told me just cuz he dosnt need it…but i turned it on and said well maybe I DO..he asked if i like the guys and i denied it like the men do.. the next day i went to the room where we would watch it and he was watching cartoons..i asked if he wasnt going to put the “shows” on and he said no..i told him to put it on cuz i wanted to watch it..he did and left i locked myself in the room (like he would when he did his own thing) and changed the channel but i let him think that i was still watchin it..instead i put on a movie i never finish seeing…TITANIC. (cool movie by the way).. that night he told me he wanted me to stop watching the movies..when i asked why he just laughed and said…”ok.., i get it. now i know how you felt when you would ask me to stop watching those movies”..so i canceled it from our direct TV. and now get more discovery channels that anything else… So you see hard work does pay off…it will be uncomfortable at first but at the end it will all be worht it…OH and dont tell him you did it on purpose cuz then he will try to compete against you and youll end up breaking up…Im now happily married with one baby girl and me and my hubby have been closer than ever!!!! GOOD LUCK CHICAS…later.

February 19, 2009 at 10:18 am
(309) My wife lets me says:

(308) Honey says: –> Maybe its me, but i have a hard time following exactly what you were saying, but here is something from my marriage.

I could ask my wife for it constantly, and i did for the first maybe 8 years. Yeah- she gets super duper annoyed, but thats not why i do it. She then decided that when i asked she would tell me to masturbate. I have done it right there in the same room while she watches TV or whatever.

It doesn’t make her horny or mad. But she is glad when i am relieved and i stop asking for a few hours. (And ladies, it is a relief. It is like a water pipe ready to burst sometimes. It needs to come out!)

We have had kids for 10+ years. I am sure that has something to do with lack of desire. Plus it is tiring being a Mom! Also she has had bad endometriosis for as long as i can remember. Lots of surgeries! They have to do one about every 9 months to burn out the crap. So basically, this can cause her a lot of pain during intercourse. During pregnancy pre/post and surgeries, when able, she has taken care of me other ways. :-) But she is not always in the mood. I get it. I love her all the same. And i love that she loves me enough to let me enjoy myself even when she cant participate.

She’ll call home and say “What are you doing?” I’ll say “Jacking-off”. She says: “Are you really?”, in a joking happy manner. It isn’t ever true though. Just playing with her!

Those ladies, while pleasurable to view naked, do not compare to my wife!

February 23, 2009 at 1:58 pm
(310) Help!!!! says:

I need help!!!! My hubby says he loves me he says that I sexually pleasure him but the problem is that why when i get naked for him and give him oral pleasure his thing dosn’t go up. But then I put a porn just the thought of a porn gets him rock hard why? I think he dosn’t care for me sexually anymore. :(

February 23, 2009 at 5:37 pm
(311) annonymus says:

I am a newlywed and I enjoy porn myself but I noticed on my husbands computer recently that he does it while im home sleeping! We have a very good sexual relationship and its a lot( 3-4 times a day usually) so i dont understand the need for porn. I dont care if he uses it when I am gone but when I am there why doesnt he just wake me up? I confronted him and explained I knew he was doing it and it really hurt me and he just said he like to watch it, he didnt masturbate, and it was no big deal. I know he loves me very much but it makes me feel like Im not good enough and I am not conceded but I am an attractive person I just dont know…

February 24, 2009 at 3:54 am
(312) To the women who feel says:

competition from the porn gals their husbands watch, I’ve got a question. Would you mind then if he watches gay porn? There are no girls to “compete” against, so this should make you feel more secure, right?

And how it happens that you do not feel competition from mainstream movies? Kate Zeta-Jones looks much better than most plastic porn stars, and was #86 the 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2006. Is your husband allowed to watch Ocean Twelve?

February 24, 2009 at 11:54 am
(313) a non i mus says:

(311) annonymus :

If you have read all the posts before yours you will come to realize a couple of things:

1. Even if you were the girl(s) in the porn video, and did all the things the girl(s) in the porn video(s) does (i.e, having sex with a dog, being raped by your grandfather) he would still watch porn. Why? Because doing bad things feels good and it is quicker to get off.

2. Porn is a progressive thing. It’s not the porn itself that is offensive, it’s what it leads to. Viewing pictures leads to watching video. Watching video leads to chatting with other women. Chatting with other women leads to sites that give you access to people who want to have sex with you then and there, in your own local area. And the problem with all this is that it is a proven fact that when men are horny, they do stupid things, and you can bet those stupid things include your worsts fears.

“I confronted him and explained I knew he was doing it and it really hurt me and he just said he like to watch it, he didnt masturbate, and it was no big deal.”

Of course it is no big deal to him. Does a serial killer think it is a big deal to kill someone? Would a rapist admit to his victim that what he is doing is wrong? Do alcoholics readily admit that what they are doing hurts their family?

And, of course it has no meaning. You can say life in general doesn’t have any meaning.

So at this point, you need to ask yourself, what is better, being single, or being married forever wondering what he is getting himself into now. Forever wondering, if he has crossed more lines to infidelity.

The way I see it is that you have a couple of options:

1.Tell him to stop, and be lied to (because of course he isn’t going to stop)

2. Tell him to give you a heads up before he does (which he has already proven is not an option, as you said, you like porn too) and wait around to see how far he progresses to infidelity.

3.Get divorced

4. Take yourself along the same path he is taking himself down; watching porn by yourself, being sneaky about it, let yourself mind-f**K all the men you meet.

I myself, am choosing a middle ground. I am letting my husband go down the path of infidelity while warning me with a ‘hey I’m going to get off now’ and planning on getting divorced after I get out of school.

I would rather be single for the rest of my life then continue to be treated like a piece of garbage.

February 24, 2009 at 1:32 pm
(314) blah says:

I’ve come across other forums like this one and have come to the conclusion that in every case,

no matter how sexy,and no matter how willing the woman is to please her man, the guy will still look at porn no matter what.

And, posts which say, “oh, just join him. Just act out what he likes.” No! I don’t think so. I don’t think I’m going to let a dog fuck me in the ass. I don’t think I’m going to let my grandfather rape me.

But I have also found a site with some really great information. Here is an insert:


Whether your partner’s addiction involved affairs, prostitution, molestation or ‘just’ masturbation or ‘just’ porn…you have lost a part of yourself as a result. A part of your innocence, your esteem, your stability, your ability to trust, your ability to invest yourself, your ability to experience intimacy: all of these values have been damaged in one way or another. And these are just a few of the inevitable consequences–you will explore many more in the lessons to come. Your healing depends on your ability to recognize these consequences and reverse the damage that has been done–sometimes with scars, sometimes leaving values stronger than they have ever been. Your healing must begin with reclaiming your life. Reclaiming your identity. Taking back what has been taken from you. It cannot begin by you trying to understand/control/support his addiction/recovery. In fact, you would do well to suspend any pressure you may have to make decisions on the fate of your relationship until you have rebuilt what has been damaged. Healing requires you to build a foundation for your life that is NOT dependent on the success of your partner’s recovery. The workshop will walk you through this process, but it is important to know why you are doing it. It is because it is in YOUR best interest to do so. This is about YOU, not your partner and not your partner’s addiction.”

Here is the site:
http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/s1l1.htm

Oh, and something else from the site that was helpful was this check list for “warning signs of possible sex addiction”
http://www.recoverynation.com/main/WarningSignsBrochure.pdf

It is said that, “This checklist may help identify a pattern in your partnerís
behavior that fits a general description of sexual
addiction/obsession/compulsion. Most of the individual
behaviors listed here are not in and of themselves
indicative of addiction. But altering a lifestyle because
of them, keeping secrets, and negatively affecting others,
makes it part of a destructive pattern. One to two
ďhitsĒ in over 50% of the categories indicates you
should be seeking more information”

February 24, 2009 at 1:37 pm
(315) blah says:

Oh, and this is good too. And it may help those poor fools like my husband understand why porn is like cheating:
[edit by Sheri – source: http://recoverynation.com/partners/s1l1.htm

“Your life and your relationship will forever be affected by the memories of this trauma. Even with the decision to end this relationship–all future relationships will be affected. Trust–a value that is decimated by sexual addiction, yet required for intimacy–will no longer play a stabilizing, comforting role in your relationship. Instead, it will become a major source of conflict throughout the healing process. Previously healthy sources of fulfillment such as family, friends, your sexuality, financial stability, your career, your priorities, your life decisions, social events (e.g. television, the pool) become instant sources of potential conflict, instability, shame, anger, secrets and lies. Add to this the reality of having lost the ideal of the person you have been sharing your life with and you can see what a tremendous, complex effort your healing entails.”

February 25, 2009 at 9:16 pm
(316) My wife had problems with porn says:

and we talked about it. She said she is being hurt by the facts that porn allows me to get satisfied without her participation, that porn lowers her self-worth because she cannot compete with the body shape and age of those actresses, and she feels that when I get orgasms watching porn, I’m attracted to machine and not to her. The explanation that sometime I want a sexual release while she is too tired, not in mood or simply not here was not considered acceptable, and she said that in the marriage we have to bring our desires down if the partner does not want it. So we discussed it, she said porn is hurting our relationship and we must get rid out of it.

Next morning I found a vibrator in her drawer, and we talked about it as well. I told her that I am being hurt by the facts that a vibrator allows her to get satisfied without my participation, that it lowers my self-worth because I cannot compete with the size and stamina of a lot of modern vibrators, and I feel that when she gets orgasms using vibrator, she’s attracted to machine and not to me. The explanation that sometime she wants a sexual release while I’m too tired, not in mood or simply not here was not considered acceptable either, and I reminded that according to her own words in the marriage we have to bring our desires down if the partner does not want it. So we discussed it, I said the is hurting our relationship in the same way porn does.

Since we support gender equality, we agreed that we must treat those issues equally, and either ban both or allow both. So we decided to allow both. I know she wasn’t really happy with it, but she wanted to keep her toys. If I don’t keep mines, then it would make us unequal – which, in her opinion, would hurt our relationship much more than all porn together combined.

February 26, 2009 at 1:48 pm
(317) shez says:

http://www.shelleylubben.com/index.php?truth=porn

1) A lot of porn is RAPE.
Most of these women are FORCED to commit the most humiliating sexual acts for money which is RAPE.
It may not be kidnapped on the street and raped thereÖ.but it is rape especially psychologically.

Women are kept as sex slaves and live in cramped rooms where they are abused and forced to Ďactí.
These men purchase make up etc for them so they appear Ďnormal lookingí and Ďwillingí. They are used, exploited in the most heart wrenching manner and then passed on to another set of ĎfilmersíÖ.the rings of men who collaborate.
They cannot escape, their lives are threatened.

Human trafficking is REAL and a MAJOR source of getting these women, especially in Columbia.

Asian, Korean and Russian women (slavs) are often raped initially and then threatened to have the videos shown to their families who will disown them if they donít agree to Ďactí.
Poor families in this part of the world often send or sell their daughters off to these Ďringsí of men who pay them very very little and abuse them to make them act as though they are willing to engage in these sexual acts. They are sex slaves.

2) Not all of porn is rape.

They are Ďporn starsí both male and female who make good money and may even enjoy it. But it is the subjugation of women that facilitates porn. These women are portrayed as OBJECTS to be exploited.
They are depicted as pieces of meat to be abused in any form whatsoever. This in turn affects the mindsets of people and is detrimental to wider societyÖmen especially walk around with the perception that women WANT to be treated this way and this is normal.

Oneís attitude towards sex changes due to porn…and not in a positive way but in the most destructive manner.

3) Sexual pleasure of any kind and ANY form besides that between a man and woman in a relationship is considered cheating.
At least for people who share high standards and expect to be treated properly.
It is downright desire and very disrespectful to oneís partner and has ruined many many marriages.
People are depicted in porn as sexual animals and viewers walk around consciously or subconsciously seeing people in their daily lives that way. It is a distortion, a disease.
Porn viewers are often people who feel as though they are all alone in the entire world. They are guilt ridden; yet may not recognize it or turn a blind perverted eye.

February 26, 2009 at 6:10 pm
(318) Blahhhh says:

porn isn’t raped if you agree to it then its not considered rape got get a life ! Don’t like it then don’t watch it!!!

February 26, 2009 at 9:13 pm
(319) wake up boys says:

Wow boys, you are here and try to make us believe alls just fine! Wake up and look in yur mirror, if in truth you believed all was ohhh soooo ok , you would have never even thought to look here. If your womwn was oh so ok with your mind f***ing of other woman you would have never concidered reading a site like this…….So don’t play innocent and don’t waste our time telling us it’s normal ond ok. It’s normal and ok to drink water anre you on sites to tell poeple to get over and drink water anyway/???? ( yea a stupid example but same reasoning) If something is normal and ok it does not warrent places like this. So go on don’t waste your crap on us expecting us to make you feel better or expect us here to tell you ” oh honey you poor thing that wicked witch in your bed is depriving you of a mans right in life to mind f*** every whore while your on her”" “Oh how could she be so horrible as to think your vows of forsaking all others would be real?”"” “Oh you poor thing why wouldn’t that woman your with want to be a replacement for your your hand while your mind F****ing all those whores you looked at on porn ?”"‘ Oh you poor poor poor thing.

February 27, 2009 at 1:57 pm
(320) blahhh says:

comment above. All i can read is blah blah blah get spelling lessons. you sound and write like a 15year old. go on Jenny Craig if you so mad……

February 27, 2009 at 1:58 pm
(321) Blahhh says:

let me help you… 1800.Jenny.20

February 28, 2009 at 12:55 pm
(322) Wake up Boys says:

Blaaaa sounds I like hit nerve. Sorry but no it’s not ok to have such disrespect and disreguard for the person you claim to love. It is not right to take something that is ment to be special between two people and belittle it by making porn more important . No it is not a mans right to break the promise you make to your partner just because you want to mind f*** the whores online. REAL MEN are honorable, REAL MEN don’t have to crawl so low as to need images and their hands, they can do it with their parteners in the flesh, or at least have the BALLS to be honest about it and not try to place blame on other people, you know that you would have the ole porn thing going no matter who was in your bed once you became lazy or bored . What it boils down to is your to self centered to give a hoot about your partener in bed other than for YOUR OWN PLEASuRE, yea yea you may have once wanted to please her but I’ll bet it was a way to prove your manhood and not becasue of her pleasure. If it were just her pleasure alone you would never notice or care. Stand up and be a man take blame for your behavior, you want porn, and to hell with anything that might get in your way……….. So save the crap of it’s all up to us to keep you interested , sex in a RELATIONSHIP takes two people, the man has just as much responsiblilty to keep us intrested as we do to keep them interested. You have as much responisblity to keeping the romance in it fro us as we have in keeping the kink in it for you. Grow up get your brain off your own dick and think outside the porn. We want more out os sex than being of service to you ! ! ! ! Sorry hustler lied to you.

February 28, 2009 at 3:35 pm
(323) You can't win says:

Hello, I have been reading these post just like the rest of you here and find just one big circle and none of it is going anywhere. it’s very sad that so many familes are being torn apart by this problem. Yes it does effect the whole family, because the stress and unhappiness is felt by all those who live in the household, they can all feel the discord even if they do not understand what it is all about.
A couple things seem to stand out to me,
1. Men find it too easy to blame it on the woman for not being the same exciting woman they were when they first got together, saying things like she let herself go or doesn’t excite “him” anymore
2. I hear women saying they have tried doing porn withthe man and tried doing the porn things to keep him interested.
We all change as we age, and well guys all women once they are in a relationship can not keep up the image you have of her while dateing. She can not hide the chores and day to day things that she did when you were not around any more. Real day to day life becomes a factor, and for the record it bores her too. Difference is she gets blamed for it while you push her aside because of it.
Women something to keep in mind, men watch porn to see something new and more exciting, so no matter what you do to try and keep him up, it will be something old two minutes after he gets off to it, you can not win this one since he will always be looking for something hotter and better, todays kink is tomarrows norm. You can’t beat porn if thats what they want because there will always be something else out there that will strike their imagination more than the stuff you did to him last night. Give um a 3 some and it will become the been there done that what is the 4some like it never ends!!!!! If your the perfct sized most perfect woman they;ll wonder about what if your tit’s were just a little different YOU CAN NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH TO KEEP THEM OUT OF THE PORN AS LONG AS THEIR IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT FROM YOU…………..
MY BEST ADVICE: Look at them out of the bedroom, who they are when sex is not the question. Do you love that person enough to wait out the sex thing, becasue eventually sex becomes far from the ,ost important part of life and friendship takes over.
Good luck girls, it’s a long sad road if you choose to stick it out, in my case my husbands friendship is worth more than sex (the porn still hurts, I still feel rejected and angry about it but nothing is perfect and I would rather have a good friend that is a waste in the bedroom than grow old with a stud that is useless outside the bedroom – when he gets old what’s left but his saggy balls?)

February 28, 2009 at 6:54 pm
(324) John P. says:

2shez:

Most websites around claiming to deliver “truth” are in the best case delivering the carefully mastered set of real facts to support their position. Same happened with your site.

1) “A lot of porn is RAPE.” This is simply not true. Nowadays all legal porn around here is made with willing adult actresses who are paid good money and often have to go through some serious casting to become such an actress. There is no lack of consent, and therefore it is not rape.You might think that she was doing this purely for money – but it could be said about a lot of jobs, and adults have the right to choose the one they want. You’re always welcome to establish a fund and pay to-be-pro-porn-actresses $1000 per day from your own accounts, I bet some would prefer it. Human trafficking is a source for underage prostitution, not for porn filming (unless it’s something illegal like snaff). The industry could pay a regular weekly salary for a couple of hours of performance, and there is a pretty large pool of young and willing actresses – there is no need to go into illegal activities.

For example, in Chezh there are parties with a few selected male strippers. Only women are admitted, and they sign a waiver and model release. Food and drinks (incl. alcoholic) are free, and the participation in any sexual acts is completely voluntary. The whole event is videoed, and then sold for good money.

There is also a new trend of people filming their own sexual activities and uploading them on various web sites in the Internet, where others could watch it for free. Those people are definitely not abused, and they’re not even paid for this. It’s an interesting phenomenon, which further proofs the point that you do not need to physically or mentally abuse someone, or even pay any money to have them participated in a porn movie.

Ok, I could hear a holier-than-thou “I would never do it for all the money in the world!”. No problem, this industry does not need you either, there is enough wannabees already and not everyone is accepted.

2) “But it is the subjugation of women that facilitates porn. These women are portrayed as OBJECTS to be exploited.” – this is just a movie. I could easily remember mainstream movies which portray men as objects to be exploited for money, power, citizenship or publicity. “Marrying money” has been a common word since ancient times. Our attitude toward sex is not changed due to porn, it’s changed because of long expected openness of the society. Your objection is that other people behave in the way you do not like, but it’s their lives and their decisions, and it’s not up to you to justify them.

“3) Sexual pleasure of any kind and ANY form besides that between a man and woman in a relationship is considered cheating.” We just learned that a gay couple is cheating. So does a single man or woman who masturbates. But a married man who has an affair is not cheating. You have pretty funny high standards.

And regarding “ruined marriages” I have provided statistics from Census that the divorce rate was NOT visibly increased since the porn became readily available online, which discounts your point even further. People just started blaming porn for their problems, in the marriages which would dissolve anyway even if there is no porn.

2wake up boys: I have to agree with Blahhh. You do sound like a teen who just discovered that real life is so different from the movies she had been watching from her whole life. Get real unless you’re willing to spend your whole life single (and if you do, why you even bother wasting your time here?)

(316) My wife had problems with porn, I like your post. Unfortunately for some people gender equality means “I could ask for whatever I want, but you cannot”, i.e. they use it as yet another excuse to get what they want without giving up anything. You’re lucky to have such a smart wife, but she’s a minority so it won’t apply for most people here.

February 28, 2009 at 11:57 pm
(325) wake up boys says:

John P. sorry but I have been married over 30 years. I have lived as the wife replaced by porn for all of those years. I love my husband dearly and do not doubt he loves me. But that does ot take away the heart ache I have had to accept because of his porn. I had to chose take it or leave, I stayed. He always says it has nothing to do with me, which I BELIEVE 100% , because when they live in pron they lose the desire for us. DOn’t fool yourself into thinking we can’t tell the difference when your haveing sex with us or the one in your mind. You touch them much differently ( or more correctly said you imagine your touching them ) if your mind is on us it loses all luster and desire and goes to function – if you touch this why this will happen faster – all function no real interest or desire. I know other women and we’ve tqalked about it so it’s not just my opinion. Yes I’ve aged and am not as young and perky as at first (who is after 30 years) but this started shortly after we were married and believe me I could put the best of them to shame, so it was him thaqt wandered not me who failed.
You can blame us all you want and plead the case “all men do it” or ” it’s your right aas a man” but you know in your heart that’s not the case. You guys jusrwant what you want and God help anyone or thing that gets in the way, we are not that important,after all we are being replaced are we not?????
And you can say what ever to yourself to convince yourself we accept it or it doesn’t hurt us, or that it doesn’t matter we are out of line. But the fact is most of us are very hurt by it and you are in effect cheating with other women, the old saying”it’s the thought that counts” well when your thinking and getting off to other women your shutting us out.It’s that simple. It’s one thing to go and dream in the shower, it’s another to wait for us to be out of your way so you can go and physically search for other women to mind F***, you are intentionally replacing us.
Can you honestly say that if your wife had to or chose to prefer other men as pften as you do other women ( mentally) if she would wait for you to get out of the way so she could masterbate to pictures of them rathe than be with you, or when she was with you all she could think about was their cock and their touch, can you say so what you wouldn’t care??? I f all she cared about was you doing what she sees them do, even though she know you only do so to try and make her love you???

No I am not a teen ager just learning, when aI was that age I was still nieve enough to think I had any control over it, that some how it was MY FAULT for not being ggod enough to keep him happy, Sorry I’ve had years to learn, it’s not now and has never been about me, not even when I could out do any whore he thought he wanted. Now I just don’t care anymore as long as I get to finish and am satified when he quits,it’s something we do at the sametime now. instead of sometthing special to be shared like God intended it to be. Oh well it’s his loss, he lost a loving willing partener who would hve down just about anything to please him – he traded it for ” lets get off and go on to something else”

March 2, 2009 at 9:38 am
(326) Mrs. Wife says:

I am a wife, I married a wonderful man whom and will if my choice die married to him. He says the same of me. So will the men here please make me understand something. Please don’t use the same things such as it is your right, your partener doesn’t care , you know the excuses thrown around that actually are meaningless. I truely want to understand and am not picking an arguement or debate. Why is that if a man says he’s loves his wife and his life with her, tells her she is all could ever want, that hewill push her aside, and risk all for porn? Why is ( and becasue I don’t know a better way to put it) why would he risk her love, her compleat devotion and respect? Why would he intentionally hurt her so deep to the core of her hear? It seems like nothing to you, and masterbation is one thing but when you add porn to it you take it from a normal thing that people do to being disloyal. Sure men look at women on the street and wonder, being realistic I can understand that. But to intenetionally seek out porn is no where near the same thing. So please in an honest way explain to me why so many of you concider viewing porn is so much more important to you than your partener? Becasue when you turn on that computer and key on to the porn sights you know (agree with them or not) that you are intentionally and knowingly hurting that person so claim to love so dearly and compleatly. Is getting off to the thouht of OTHER WOMWEN really that more valuable to you than your partener? Each and everytime you block her out and out her aside to do that you show her just that. It’s just that simple.

March 2, 2009 at 8:44 pm
(327) blahhh says:

So what r u telling me (wake up boys) woman don’t watch porn too. so what r woman ,perfect and men r imperfect and smell reality. Have u ever tought of another guy that is not you hubby? you woman here need a life. Theres other things in this world more important to be worring bout’. Porn is always gonna be there! And weather ya’ll like it or not we are always gonna continue watching it. So be quiet and MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get a blow up doll idf your all so dam* frustrated!

March 2, 2009 at 11:52 pm
(328) wake up boys says:

blahhh, yea some women do watch porn and if they push their men aside and replace them with it they’re everybit as discusting as you. If your single hell go for it. But if you have agreed to a relationship then your scum at best if you worm around behind her back with porn. It is nothing more than selfish self worship to feel like we owe it to you to be pushed aside while you mind F*** your fake whores. No matter how angry you reply to my comments or no matter how you blame it on her, you know as well as I do that it is not right or you would have never even bothered to read a site like this. Maybe instead of playing with yourself over other woman you’ll grow a pair of real balls and “be a man” with your partener instead of some fake stud with your hand over pic’s of woman who if they could actually see what you were doing would laugh all the way to the bank……… Grow up be a man, not a worm slithering pretend stud in the dark, you only impress your hand and tissue. Your actions make real women sick.

March 3, 2009 at 1:34 pm
(329) confused says:

Why should I fell guilty for the changes in my body since marraige? I am not fat, and have not let myself go. The changes are from giving my husband two wonderfull children should not be held against me, but should be honored they are changes caused by love for him. Natural changes cause by him getting me with children that I delivered in natures way. Now he says my body does not turn him on any more because I “let it go”. No he planted children in it and that changed it. He says I don’t get frisky enough for him anymore, well I did not have to worry about anything but sex with him before we were married, now I spend my day careing for him and his (our) children that takes time away from always being there just to have sex with him and that is a turn off for him. He says porn is his rite because I’m not there for him like I used to be……. So by giving him the dream family he desired I deserve to be shoved aside as a sexual failure, I want sex and romance like we used to have as much (or from the way he acts more than) as he does. He is the one throwing it away not me, he LET himself go, I have given myself to him totally 24/7. From the way I see it he owes me not I owe him. He is the one trashing our sex life not me, He caused the changes in our sex life as much as I have but I’m the only one paying a price for it. I carried our children went through the pain to deliver them and put in the hours to care for them, 24/7. I have given him the family he wanted yet I am concidered the failure – he thinks I owe him, because I can’t do all that and still be the 18 year old he married – all goo goo eyed, every minute at his beck and call for sex.

Where is his responsiblilty to our sex life? He is just as responsible to keep it alive as I am, it is not just about what I can do to keep him interested but also what he can do to keep me interested. Where do my needs and desires fit into it? He is not as young and exciting as he was at first either.

How about he serve me and the kids all day and be at our total beck and call 24/7 what ever whim we have and then at the end of the day take total responsibiltity for keeping the sex hot for me or else be tossed aside like an old useless rag.

I gave him all of me, which caused the changes in me he now uses as an excuse to push me away for porn. That is so not right !
I do not expect to be bowed down to like a queen but I do expect the love and respect I have earned and that I give him. Being traded in for porn is not acceptable. Fine if he wants to masterbate sometimes in the shower but to bring that trash porn in and push me aside for and blame it on me it is not acceptable I deserve better. He owes me better ! ! ! We vowed to forsake ALL others, we made promises.

March 3, 2009 at 3:19 pm
(330) blahhh says:

(Wake up boy) u must be mad at the world uh? I feel sorry for you. First of all when i watch porn im not there thinking about those girls , half of them are disgusting lol my girl is hott and we both love porn! My girl doesnít go around complaining cuz she know she ain’t got nothing to be jealous about with those fake ho**. So stop talking for every guy! You ainít got the right to judge every guy OK IM OUTTA HERE!

March 3, 2009 at 7:06 pm
(331) wake up boys says:

BLAAA,, Your attitude shows what sort of self centered ass you really are. Go back to your hand, my guess it is your best friend. From the example of your personallity here even that most likely wants to cry at the site of you. You are an ugly person who has no concern other than your perverted view of the world

March 4, 2009 at 2:33 pm
(332) wake up boys says:

BLAaaaaaaaa, your full of it and we both know it. Your here trying to prove to yourself porn is ok. It is not. YOur trying to covince yourself that the woman ( if there is one and she hasnot dumped you) is wrong to be upset because you are unloyal to her. She has every right to expect an honest loyal man. It takes 2 parteners for a good sex relatinship, you holdomg your little slack wennie over a comouter is not a turn on. She is not there to excite you but rather to SHARE a relationship inwhich you do more than play stud daddy _ guess what women want more than to be F***ed like a whore on the porn site you just looked like. We expect and deserve to be concidered as much by you as you expect to be concidered by us. We like flowers instead of cucumbers, romance instead of pron. We at least are willing to try and make you happy where as you only want puppets to act like your oHHHH so Hot ohhhhh so big ohhhh so cool eevn when all we get is a half hard half limp fool who thinks he’s mr sex cuz he looked at porn and thinks he can be the studhe saw…….. grow up find reality, get some real balls and look at the mirror see yourself for the fool you are. You NEED PORN my guess your fighting for it more as a life saver than a erotic desire. I FEAR FOR YOUR WIFE IF YOU HAVE ONE, I DON’T THINK YOUR WIRING IS CONNECTED CORRECTLY. YOU CAN RANT AND WAVE ALL YOU WANT BUT UNLESS YOU CAN ACTUALLY GIVE A REAL REASON WHY IT’S OK TO BLAME OTHERS FOR YOUR PORN HABIT ALL YOU SAY IS CRAP AND EXCUSES NOTHING OF ANY VALUE. SO GO PLAY PORN GOD FOR YOUR HAND YOU ARE OF NO INTELLEGENT USE HERE. BYE BYE LITTLE BOY

OH AND AS FOR ANY FAKE ORGASMS WOMEN PRODUCE IF THE MAN WERE ANY GOOD AT WHAT THEY WERE DOING WE WOULDN’T FAKE IT. THE ONLY REASON WE FAKE THEM IS SO YOU WON’T BE EMBARRASSED BY YOUR POOR PERFORMANCE AND LACK OF SEXUAL SKILLS. SKILLS YOU CAN’T LEARN FROM PORN….

NOW JUST GO AWAY FOOL

March 4, 2009 at 3:54 pm
(333) wake up boys says:

Blaa that vein in the side of head is poping out, is something wrong? Truth is your here now becasue she won’t have you. Your putting up too much attack here and no real explaination ar reasoning, other than stupid school yard name calling. If you out this much attention into sex WITH a person your life would be more interesting for you. So once again if she is so understanding and it’s all so ok WHY ARE YOU READING ABOUT HOW PORN HURTS MARRIAGE? CALLING ME NAMES DOES NOT ANSWER THAT IT ONLY MAKES YOU LOOK VERY STUPID AND EXTREAMLY NUTS. YOU KNOW IT’S WRONG, YOU KNOW SHE DOES NOT APPROVE, OR YOU WOULD NOT BE SO ANGRY TRYING TO PROVE HER OR ANY OTHER WOMAN WHO KNOWS SHE DESERVES BETTER THAN PORN IN HER HER LIFE. IT’S YOUR CHOICE, IF YOU HAVE A WOMAN AS GREAT AS YOU SAY THEN YOU SHOULD HONOR EACH OTHER AND OT RISK LOSING IT FOR SKANKY PORN HABIT. BECAUSE SOMEDAY SHE WILL GIVE UP ON PLEASING YOU (IF SHE HASN’T ALREADY) AND WILL EITHER LEAVE YOU OR JUST SEXUALLY SHUT YOU OUT OTHER THAN JUST BEING A COLD OBJECT YOU GET OFF ON. YOU CAN PISS AND MOAN ALL YOU WANT, CALL ME NAMES AND SAY MY HUSBAND IF FAT. WHO GIVES A HOOT, NONE OF THAT CHANGES ANYTHING TRUE OR NOT IT’S JUST YOUR WAY OF AVOIDING THE FACTS THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO ACCEPT. IT’S YOUR CHOICE IF YOU WANT TO LIVE FOR PORN OR FOR REAL LIFE, IN THE END IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT IF LOSE EVERYTHING BECAUSE OF IT…..

March 4, 2009 at 6:31 pm
(334) Blah says:

yes blah blah blah blah blah! YOU WIN. Thats why your gonna end up alone and fat! With your triple cheesburger french fries and diet pepsi!!LOL, Have fun been by yourself!

March 4, 2009 at 7:13 pm
(335) wake up boys says:

Blaaaa it’s not win or lose, everyone (loses with porn in a marriage once all is said and done) it’s a matter of right and wrong and anytime one person is unloyal to their spouse it is wrong. Plain and simple.

March 5, 2009 at 2:06 pm
(336) blah blah blah says:

yes yes whatever! everyone loses with porn! Happy! Keep thinking the way you think and you’ll see your life will be miserable,alone, and with no one to share with. The only thing you will have is yourself! Greety woman!

March 7, 2009 at 2:38 pm
(337) Chibichibi says:

Alright ladies and gents… Let me tell you right now that porn will only hurt you if you let it hurt you. Just like anything in this world.

My ex and I (we separated because he and I decided we had grown all we could together) used to watch porn together. We would watch it and have sex at the same time. It spiced this up so much. He liked to watch it to gather information on different techniques, as well as get his rocks off. It was amazing.

Now, I watched porn before i met him too. Porn is nothing more than a way to get your jollies and go on with life.

The only problem that i see is a lack of understanding and a large about of Vitriol and bigotry.

If he is watching something illegal? Turn him in. If it’s animated porn, or hentai, and it would be illegal if it were real people? Leave it alone. It’s a healthy outlet for an unhealthy desire.

If you can’t deal with the fact that your husband/whatever wants porn, don’t blame him. It’s not “all his fault.” There’s something to be said for you shrews too.

And I saw the most ignorant statement on here today, Don’t cheat on him if you catch him with porn. That’s a filthy disgusting betrayal of a man that didn’t do a damn thing with anyone but himself. It just makes you look like a whore.

March 7, 2009 at 6:04 pm
(338) Jeez says:

It seems typical that the relationships most adversely affected by pornography are those that are also threatened in other respects. That it returns to this particular topic makes sense, since it centers around sexuality, intimacy, dissociation, desire and attractiveness – all factors involved in most relationships in jeopardy. It all comes down to trust and personal definitions. Unfortunately, once you have to “work” on trust, it’s probably already too late.

What’s the real problem here – pornography or masturbation? While most reasonable people probably wouldn’t scream divorce if they saw their wife or husband touching themselves in the shower, many women object strongly to the specifically visual nature of pornography, and that they can see the eighteen year old girl on the screen and know their husband is aroused by this. But it’s true that men are far more able to become aroused by visual stimulation.

While I can’t strictly defend the guy who has abandoned sex with his wife in favor of pulling prong over some Internet video, the woman who feels compelled to shame her husband or boyfriend over the act is doing nothing for whatever bond they may have left. In fact, this tendency to shame is a compulsion not unlike addictive porn watching, and often based on poor self-image.

Sex is a complicated thing, but also an essential bond to a relationship. I can say from experience that, given the right combination of trust, attraction and connection, whatever the outside sexual elements are (and as long as there is agreement, spoken or otherwise) it can work. In fact, this seems to sum things up nicely: know thyself, choose wisely in a relationship, lighten the f*ck up once in a while, and if you’re being disrespected or treated like sh*t .. get out.

March 12, 2009 at 6:13 pm
(339) John P. says:

to (325) wake up boys says:

The way I understand your situation is that you and your husband are generally very good friends, and your relationship, sex excluded, is very good and satisfying for both of you. And before you two start living together>/b> the sex life was good, but after that it went south. Am I correct? If this is the case, then it’s likely that your friendship has taken over your sexual life, combined with the loss of his sexual appetite because of age. This loss is natural. No reasonable person would expect you to have a body of 20yo in your late forties (even though some have), and the same way you should not expect him to have the performance of 20yo in his late forties (even though some have). If you ever commented his erection loss during the intercourse, it greatly contributed to the picture. Men take this very seriously as “loss of manhood”. In this case the only way for him to have sex with you would be to get and keep himself aroused, i.e. maintain erection. He could use imagination (like porn), medicine (viagra/cialis) or outside environment (like being on a swinger party) for that.

Neither approach is completely safe and trouble-free. Medicine is expensive, has bad side effects (like headache) and requires the person being in a relatively healthy condition. Swinger parties is not for everyone, and it’s not easy for a man to even start discussing the subject – after all, if you are jealous about him having sex with you and thinking about unnatural “plastic” women from video, how would you feel if he is having sex with you and watch other real women in action around you? So imagination (porn) is the easiest solution for him. If you are comfortable with other approaches, you could try to suggest those. If you are not, then you have limited choice. You could play victim card (that’s exactly what you are doing), but it will not help you – in fact it never does. You might get some sympathy from others in the same situation, but you’d get the same amount without playing victim and telling everyone how you got hurt. Your attempt to associate “most women” with your position look very ungrounded as well, and weak it considerably.

Now regarding your “question” (which is in fact a statement as it implies the answer). You could find answers above, as several people already claimed to watch porn together or separately and that it does not affect negatively their sex life. But you already know that, as you brought the God to support your position. This is the first obvious sign your position is weak.

As a final note: the relationship between two of you is not just about you, or – even worse – about a non-existent God. It is about two of you. And to make it work, both of you have to make compromises. Telling him it hurts you is not a compromise, it’s blackmail, and it never works, so no surprise it didn’t work in your case too. If you want to keep this relationship, you have to make compromises. If you don’t want to, just get out.

March 13, 2009 at 5:49 pm
(340) Jennifer says:

I agree with (John P) 100%. I believe alot of woman here are just playing the victims and I believe thatís is really sad to see woman on this site complaining and nagging about something so insignificant like porn! I would rather watch porn with my husband than him being in the street looking for what he ainít getting at home. And truth is when you donít get the satisfaction you want at home you tend to look for it somewhere else. In the bedroom Iím a dirty slut, whore, prostitute you name it. But it satisfyís him and me. And he ainít got to go to the street 4 nothing. Now the day your man goes out and finds a woman that WILL satisfy him and please him you will regret not watching the porn with him! And if you think porn is ďoh so wrongĒ than stay single 4 ever! I love and enjoy porn We are not porn addicts we donít depend on it we are happy and enjoying every single bit of life! We are a happy loving couple and when we fight like every other couple it is not due to porn! So ladies please stop playing the victims on this site and go out there and enjoy life!
BEST OF LUCK!

March 14, 2009 at 4:14 am
(341) Tobby says:

I have been reading the many comments here, some are very telling, others you can tell are just very frustrated people – male and female over this issue. Blaaaa and Wake up boys, well they just let off a lot of hot air that won;t make any difference to anyone.

The comments all tend to sum up 2 things in general. First, Men are said to deserve their rights to porn, in short becasue the women can’t keep them up and going for what ever reason – and that is all her fault, she can’t change it but must out of fear of him going else where shut up and put up. His way or no way. Porn is the mans right. If she doesn’t like it she should leave. And the main jest of it is, it is her failings that make porn nessasary for men to be content. Too many men have to find fault in her to justfy he wants porn more than her.DOn’t go off here this is a general observation, but it does cover most of it.

The second thing I notice is that nobody is in the least bit concerned about the womans sex life pther than how she can “keep him happy”. Her wants and desires, her turn ons are not mentioned unless it is her bragging about loving to “join him” in porn. This is all about his desires, his turn ons, it’s all about keeping him satisfied or he might go get it elsewhere. Simple blackmale – give him porn or you lose him, it’s his right, it’s her fault for no other reason ( or many ) that he can not be expected to live a boring sex life without it and only her. Whatever that’s not my point in this comment.

Here is where my point comes in, why is nobody addressing her desires, her needs?? We see women in a panic so to say to please their man, do anything, play any part to keep him interested or else. But no where does anyone say “hey you better read up on romance and fill her desires or else she’ll get it else where!!” “You OWE it to her to keep her happy in bed or else” “It;s her right to be romanced you better do it or your not worthy and deserve to be thrown to the curb” ” It’s her way or no way”

How many of you men here have ever researched how to have a great sex night from a womans point of view? I don’t mean the slut approach but from the gentle female approch?

Have you spent even the slightest amount of time reading about what turns her on compared to the amount of time she has spent looking at the porn you prefer to try and find out how to turn you on? Is it a two sided effort or just her looking to please you?

I can promise you that if my husband would spend a fraction of the time just a couple times a year putting in the effort to please me like I do on a regular basis to fill his desires for hot play time sex we enjoy that I would not resent the porn like I do. I do resent that I am expected to fear him going elsewhere if I don’t meet his needs but that the fact that I might have desires not shown on a porn site makes them a compleate non issue.

So to give you guys a junp start here I’ll tell you what would be my biggest turn on.

To come home and find that my husband had taken the time out of his porn while I was away to either take me to a hotel ( or if money was tight our own room) and instead of toys and movies he would have set up bit of a romantic retreat for us. Candles , wine with two wine Glasses ( not plastic cups from the kids collection) that he would have a rose on each of our pillows just for the sake of it. Instead of a vibrator he would have strawberries and cream to play with. He would really kiss me like he wants to kiss me not like it will get me wet faster, He would touch me like he wants to actually feel me not like he wants to get me wet faster, he would make me feel like he wants to really make love to me not just get off faster…..

Oh hell let me simlify things here I would fall over thrilled to just find him reading up on how to put some romance into our sex life for me ( gosh knows I’ve spend uncountable hours reading up on how to put spice into his ) The fact that he would go out of his comfort zone for my sexual satifaction would be the greatest turn on to me, that I would matter enough to him to be interested enough to want to do that for me, for us.

I play parts for him all the time in our games, some I like some are just to turn him on (which in turn turns me in). The above is much the same but instead of me being his french maid or cheerleader instead of just being the wife, he would be playing the attentive lover who desires ONLY me.

Sex should be for both people , both should be interested in the desires of the other and want to reach out to full fill needs and desires of the other as well as their own.

My resentment to the porn is that no matter how much I go along it is all too one sided. And you men know what I meen when I say this we are expected to accept the porn as your right and if we don’t like then too bad you’ll go ahead without us. How about you giving our desires the same value and importance as you give yours?

It is not just about keeping the male sex drive full filled at all cost. We desever the same from you as you expect from us, we just don’t want to replace you like you do us. Even as you age and change we desire you, I guess it’s just the way we are hard wired we want YOU in our beds, just you sometimes and not the whole internet rodeo. We want to be a prt of our sex lives not just a tool to fullfilling yours. That is not being selfish and far from unreasonable. It doesn’t have to ba all about us, hell most us aren’t even asking to be 50/50 but just a quarter of it perhaps?

Is it really too much to expect or ask for?

And Jennifer it is not being a victim to be unhappy by being treated unfairly, as women we have just as much right to be happy as the men do. And to be threatened that our men will dump us if we don’t shut up and put up is wrong, to be blamed for wanting more from them as a cause for them to run to porn is wrong. There is nothing wrong with the women who expect the sex with their partners to held with a degree of respect above the expectations in porn. We should expect the same respect from them they expect from us. Would you ever dream of belittleing him and threaten him with going else where if he didn’t let you get romance without him? Don’t let yourself be manipulated into thinking it’s al about keeping him interested or else, because you matter just as much as he does. Try asking him to do things you like he may not, see if he goes out of his way for your desires like you do his……..

March 14, 2009 at 4:45 am
(342) wake up boys says:

John P. please explain to me how telling him my feelings about porn is blackmale? Isn;t telling me I have to accept or else He’ll go else where for it blackmale? YOu made a lot of good points concerning ageing, but are not these issues better delt with as a couple and not by shutting the other person out? And can you honestly say if your wife were to push you aside sexually for other methods to mentally have sex with others you would not be hurt or upset? Would you feel you better not say anything to her becasue then it would be ok for her to go find real men to please her if you did?. I don’t think that if the shoe were on the other foot and you were the one being shut out and neglected you would feel the same way. If it were your wife who waited till you were out of the way so she could cut you out of the sex in your relationship even after you did everything you could to please her. I don’t think you would not feel hurt and just sit back and out of fear take second place.
I want a relationship with my husband in bed and out, it does hurt to be 2nd to porn. My honesty is not blackmale, it hurts me to be replaced by porn, I should not be ashamed or afraid to say so. Why should I be expected to just curl up put of theway and take it? I am more than willing and able to meet him sexually to create a hot fun sex life, I;m not the one shutting him out, I am not a so called victim, I am his wife. partner and friend,why should I be silenced for that? Why should I be expected to feel guilty for wanting to have a sex life with him? SO what I’m not a hot little girl any more does that mean bury me out of sight I’m not good enough anymore? Like you said there are many ways to keep the sex going, I guess that men don’t concider working together is one of them. Out with the old in with the new – sorry as far as I’m concerned this wife still has a lot of life in her and doesn’t feel it blackmale to say so….. And I don;t buy the sit down shut up take what left overs you get thrown your way, becasue your just same old boring thing – he’s just as old, and been around this bedroom just as long as I have.

March 14, 2009 at 3:15 pm
(343) Jennifer says:

(tobby) yes my husband does go out of his way to do things for me. He helps me out in every sense Mentally and physically I really have nothing to complain about. He caring loving and understanding, When I need him he is there 4 me. I when he needs me Im there 4 him. What else can I say? I can’t stop him from watching porn, And he can’t stop me from playing with my “toys” LOL.

March 14, 2009 at 11:53 pm
(344) why bother says:

Why bother girls, they do not want a good sex life “with you”. They may love you, and be great people, but for them sex is nothing more than F***ing and that will not change. They may for awhile try to shut you up about it and make you think they care about your feelings on the matter, but they do not. It’s all about what gets them the hardest, and well after sex with you a couple times there will be better things on their minds to do so. Yea they’ll still want you and want you to pretend to be their little whores and if you play the part well enough you may have a staring roll from time to time.

And just so you don’t get confused you will always be the blame for them going to porn, you let yourself go, or you got boring blabla bla. just like when men beat their wives it always her fault …………

Yep if they are in this group of men, you will never be enough to make him happy, the more you go along the more they expect. And like John up there said you better go along or they’ll just get it else where.

SO you have two choices you can F**KUM or just say Fu**um and move on to the next one ( who if as the guys here want us to believe will still be male and still be hard wired that way. I say let um have it as long as you get off first, with or with out them. After all sex can be fun with them as long as you don’t want to ever be made love to.

March 15, 2009 at 5:36 pm
(345) Tobby says:

Jennifer, I’m not trying to be argumentive here but I wouldd like to ask and honest question, somebody asked some one earlier in the posts, If you are content and have no problem with porn in your relationship why are you on a site like this? Generally if something does not pesent a problem people never even concider checking into the problems it’s casues. I’m sure you understand what i ment to say even if I did not word it well. Why even concider the effects of it on your amrriage if you don’t have any?
My husband loves me and cares dearly about me, we are very close and even have others comment about us being such a great couple. That being said though does not mean I owe it to him to just sit back and be happy or content that he searches out porn while I’m just a room away and interested. I have nothing against the NORMAL oogling of sexy women , i’l even point them out if he misses one on the street, thats a normal thing to have them catch your eye, and I have nothing against him haveing solo personal shower rub downs – that too is a normal thing but it is not normal to go out of their way to search out other women or to search out sex vidios instead of your partener. Shareing the porn is fine becasue it is together and may help spice your “RELATIONSHIP” up abit when it;s in a slump. Relationships take 2 people to make them work, and solo porn pushes the other person away.
If your expectations of a relationship are low and you feel your feelings are not as important as your parteners you will always be left aside when you come to differences,. If you value yourself enough to stand up for what is important then at least you have have a shot. I feel I deserver better than to be left in the next room alone while he sneeks porn. I am more than willing to try and do new things, I love to play, he knows he can come to me and I will do what ever I can to (short of playing 2nd to porn) keep our sex life exciting…….. Couples need to keep enough of the “love” in sex, and enough of the “your special to me” in it to. Without that it’s no better than hey whore F*** me.

Now if I’m out of town or unavailable for any lenghth of time thats different go for it, break an arm if you want. But if I’m home a little later I would love to think I’m worth the wait. You know what I mean here I’m sure.

I also know at some point I have to get the message that he doesn’t agree with me. So I hold my rights to not like it and not accept it and he may choose to say oh well too bad for you our sex lfe is worth losing for porn, at which point I like your TOYS idea just fine. I don’t think I’m unreasonable, I don’t expect him to stop haveing sex or fantisies, I just expect to be a part of the fun and not in the shadows alone unless he needs a fill in for his arm

March 25, 2009 at 1:37 pm
(346) alabama says:

I’m shock at so many people in my situation. I am curious to any guys or gals opinions on this question. My husbands drug of choice is Lesbians. He never looks at male and female together. I have suggested it and we looked a little but he say it just turn him on looking at other males. Everything is Lesbian for him. Do any of you out there have this same problem? I have no interest in being with another women so that is totally out of the question. He knows that. We had a big arguement the other day and he just screamed out that I was invading his privacy. I gave up after that. I just said it just isnt worth it anymore. I do everything I possibly can to make this man happy. I so sick of him telling me how goodlooking I a and how much he loves me and that I have the body of an 18 year old. WELL if thats the case how come that thing of yours doesn’t get rock hard with me alone like it does with the lesbian porn. Whatever I’ve tried everything noting seems to work. I’m sick of feeling like I’m just an object while he’s got one of those bimbos inn his head the whole time we are having sex. I know he does. I told him the other night at least he could let me pick the one I wanted to be.Didn’t sit too well with him. My next step is what? I wish some one could tell me. He doesnt like me to watch it with him, I’ve tried that too! Yeah it hurts but I’m faking more and more orgasm and getting pretty good at it. How can you get excited just knowing its noteven you thats got him excited in the first place?

March 25, 2009 at 2:01 pm
(347) alabama says:

I got a little side tracked about my question? My question was why is his choice of drugs Lesbians. Always has been. We have sex daily and he always seems attentive to my needs but he’s really into the oral sex. Is that connected to the lesbian thing or what. I really don’t need someone to break me dwn anymore. I just wish I could understand what it is going on in his head. He loves me, He loves me, and he says he love me more. I’m started to think he say ing all this and compliments because he has seen how I feel about this and continues it/ Anybody out there got any opinions on this. Why the Lesbians, and why doesn’t he like me to watch? This has been going on for years, a little here and a little there, never really bothered me at all until He had a so called friendship with a lesbian (bisexual) at work a couple of years ago. He swore it was nothing more that that. But I have a hard time trusting him now. Thats when the porn started bothering me so much.

April 4, 2009 at 10:43 am
(348) alro says:

Women will never understand that for men, sex has a deep, primal basis and we can’t just will it away because it bothers you. Porn is a safe release for men. It’s fantasy and keeps men from having actual encounters. The horror you feel has mostly to do with childish religious ideals that you were indoctrinated with that have no basis in reality. Just relax. Your man watching porn and fantasizing doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

April 11, 2009 at 9:43 am
(349) TIGGERETTE says:

?I strongly believe that in the context of a relationship, porn is not something which should be tolerated unless both partners freely agree to it. This is not religious indoctrination or anything like that – put simply, it is about respecting your partner’s wishes and feelings. If I am uncomfortable with my husband watching porn, I will tell him so and expect him, out of simple courtesy and regard for my feelings, to stop doing so.

My husband is a secret porn watcher. I know this. He has a particular fetish for young blondes, which automatically makes me feel terrible as I am an aging brunette. I have a higher libido than him, and yes, he often turns me down because he is ‘too tired’ or can’t be bothered. But he still watches porn, even when he has no interest in me and I am available. This is heartbreaking.

Porn is an addiction, and I believe he uses it to fill up some empty space inside him. He doesn’t have to think about whatever is wrong with his life when he watches porn – he’s not a chunky, aging, unskilled worker with a family who have disowned him – when he watches porn, he’s a young stud who has control over all the hot girls. When you get down to it, it’s control he craves. The porn – the actual sexual act, the masturbation – it all just leaves him a little more disappointed, a little bit more empty. And so the cycle goes, with him trying to fill up the bleakness with impersonal, fake, staged sex.

It started out fairly harmless, but recently he seems to be craving more degrading sex, and even watching forced sex/rape type videos. Surely no one can argue this isn’t degrading to women, and to a lot of men. I am trying to break him of the habit. He is getting to view sex purely as an act, and one of control at that. Sex in the context of a relationship should always be consensual, always have some emotional validity. If it doesn’t, then one or the other of the people engaged in the act are broken.

Men will continue to watch porn once they have begun to, because porn is in no way satisfying. It’s the junk food of sexual acts: it tastes okay, but doesn’t fill you up, and you end up with cravings and going on binges. And ultimately, it is bad for you.

April 22, 2009 at 11:18 pm
(350) Aaron says:

WOW…Great comments. Sex has alot of different angles. With men, it’s visual, and with women, it’s emotional. BUT, I’m a 41 year old male, and I, like a lot of men, watch or see porn, but that doesn’t make me want to have sex with a fake bimbo. If anything, my wife is my “pornstar”, and oh boy does my mind wonder! I guess though, I’m fastly going away from the 20 yr old mind set thinking I have to have porn…I’ve grown out of that, but now, being married for 12 years, we have a pretty active, fun marriage, and we tend to excite each other with mere talk and sexual fantasies…NOT ACTUAL. My wife has learned to be visual as well as being emotional. We have a great sex life, but we have fun going out into left field, not outside of marriage, but frame of mind, and it really is awesome. Now, not everyone can do this, and it won’t work for a lot of people, because its more mental than anything but if done correctly, it can help a marriage big time, without even thinking about any guilt trips concerning porn, or cheating, or masterbation…I read somewhere up top what if a wife/girlfriend was caught using a toy? Well, my wife has different ones, and me…well, i have alone time to myself..lol. But it doesn’t bother me because she has those “things”. Shoooooot, sometimes it turns me on to know she’s comfortable pleasuring herself…What can I say, we’re comfortable with our love life. She knows I see porn too, but as I said, I don’t do it much or as often anymore.
We do talk about what we think when we get intimate, and we really blew each others mind, I mean my wife has a thing for Sean Connery and Brett Michaels, and me, well, it’s all about my wife actually and ways I can please her, and that’s what turns me on big time..Yes, we sometimes use everything in the sexual arsonal..lol.
Here’s the deal and the reason why my wife and I are happy.
I was 17 yrs old when I first got married,(NOT TO THE WOMAN I’M WITH NOW). As I thought I was a man. My mind set was completely sexual because of my age, not to mention I was I was sheltered by my parents and sex never came up, so too, I was knaive. Needless to say, that married failed miseribly. I stayed single for a good 11 yrs. Then I married this one after having all my fun. My wife was married at a very young age too, but has been married 3 times…I’m the third. But, we had experienced life and situations in our lives, to where, now, we talk about everything. We hide nothing from each other and we are very happy…we can’t keep our hands off of each other. I’m not saying we have sex everyday, because we do have kids, but we play quite often as much as we can. We do try to enhance our love life, and we have tried porn, and it does work every now and then, but its not an addiction, but more of an aid.
Guys, try talking to your lady…find out what really gets her going, trips her trigger, or whatever you wanna call it. Ladies, do the same with your man.
Look ladies, there’s a certain trashiness that most guys like about watching porn. Let me clarify…IF YOUR MAN IS INTO CHILD PORN, YOU PROBABLY DON’T NEED HIM. THAT STUFF IS SICK AND AGAINST THE LAW. Okay, but, most of tose actors/actresses are very nicely built so anyone should be so blessed. But, the reality of it is..your married and he watches porn, and yes, so do some of you women. Try watching it together and whats wrong with playing with toys??? Nothing. Go the the sex store and look around, you might actually find something you like…”Well, my wife has me so she don’t need that stuff” yeah, but you don’t vibrate either…lol. Ladies, if its the trashiness that turns him on…well, show him you can get just as trashy…”Oh but that’s not what God wants.” or ” Thats against our religious beliefs.” The bible says, Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all,and the bed undefiled. In other words, since you are married…play all you want, experiment. But, experiment within reason.
But, as I said, my wife and I we try to do different things to enhance our life, not only sexually, but life in general. Again, theres an upside and downside to each one feels, and yes, you have to work through it. Hopefully , I have said something to help, maybe click on a part of the brain to get you thinking, but porn or toys aren’t a reason to get divorced. I agree, however, if there excess of either, then soemthing has to be done to get back in touch with reality. Sex isn’t everything. Try a cappucino or a cup of coffee…(not sexually of course…it burns). My wife, for some reason finds a time to accidentally spill coffee on me at least twice a year…lol. She’s done once already this year…lol. But seriously, whether you’re man or woman, try to open up to see the problem and fix it.
As for alabama, hun, for some men, its a lesbian thing, but, as to what it is??? I can’t actually tell ya. I’m a guy and watching two women just doesn’t get it for me, why? I don’t know. And if you both have sex everyday, well, no doubt you turn him on, but to fake it? Uh, why do you fake it? Is he boring? Well, seems he needs to get back to making love with ya…not just having sex. I think that’s missing from your relationship. My wife and I have sex, make love, and experiment…and not to be distasteful, but to me sex, making love are all different.
Let me explain, sex: my wife and I have sex, we play, we experiment..just great sex.
Making love, the most sensual of sex, the caressing, the kissing( not slobbering), the touching, the closeness, the smell of scented candles and maybe body oils, massages. Then the “F” word. Many times she has come home or I’ll come in and the kids are then sent outside to go play for awhile, while she…uh, well, she’ll just come up to me and grabs me by the ears and demands I slam her right then, right there and do it hard. The “F” word…done in hardcore. So, yes, theres a big difference. But, that only last for about 30 to 40 minutes, and usually followed by pains in the hips, legs, and pelvic areas on us both. Yeah, some of you are laughing, and some of you are saying…”I’d never!” when the truth of it is, you have and just haven’t told anyone. Then there are some of you that are saying…”Hmmm, I’ can’t wait til my spouse gets home!” lol. Darn, I love talking about sex. Uh huh, so did George Michaels…lol.
Alabama, just grab your husband by the ears and wear him out…make him walk funny. That’s all you have to do.. Make him scream “Mercy!” or “Dear God Help Me!” Do that for about 3 or 4 days in a row, and the lesbian thing will be just a thing of the past. Rock his world so hard he hits the floor when he gets up off the bed…Uh, just a suggestion…do what ya want. But as I have read though, seems everyone has a different hang up about porn, so, I don’t know if what I have shared will work for any of you, but who knows. Good luck with your endeavors.

April 29, 2009 at 3:06 am
(351) John P. says:

to wake up boys:

When you are telling him that it hurts you when he watches porn AND he must do something about it, you are blackmailing him to make changes. To make it easy for you, imagine he said that your use of vibrator, or going out with friends, or another thing you really like to do hurts his feelings, and you must abandon it immediately. Most likely you would want at least to discuss the issue, and if there is really an issue, to work out a compromise if not ignore it completely. If this is correct, and you still demanding he should change his behavior just because you tell him it hurts you, you’re just a selfish person who only thinks about her needs, and is ignorant of other needs. In this case your relationship is in a deep trouble, and porn is the last thing you need to worry about.

alabama: having a second thought you might be happy that his choice in porn is lesbian. Just imagine how’d you feel if he was only turned on by male-only gay porn, or some snuff stuff. Remember, it always could be worse :)

TIGGERETTE: there are a lot of mainstream movies which are degrading to men, women, blacks, whites, homosexuals, and so on. What is degrading is very subjective; for example killing (which is considered worse than rape) rarely happens in porn, while is a pretty common theme in mainstream movies. Please consider that.

May 1, 2009 at 6:46 pm
(352) wake up boys says:

I’m sorry Joh but your way off on this one. A marraige is an agreement between two people that they are going to for sake all others, and keep their sex life between them. When one partener ignors the other to do to others then that is not right and that is very selfish of them….. It is the responsiblity of each partner to be there for the other. When you wait thill one is gone or has fallen asleep then hit the porn that is not rigth or fair to the other. Men who sit on the edge of their seats just waiting for the other to be out of the way so they can surf and rub are way out of line. The same as a woman who refuses sex or doesn’t try to meet the mans needs. I have always been there, been willing to play and do funstuff that he wants to try. I have done many things for him that had it been my choice alone I would not have wanted to – but I want it to stay fun and exciting. I have gone way past the middle to compramise and keep him excited. What about me? Why is that if we want a loyal sex partner and we do all we can to keep it changing and unique, why should we have to play second fiddle to porn? I watch it with him so it’s not totally denied. I have nothing against him getting off in the shower or even viewing porn when I’m out of town but if I am out for awhile shopping or at work I feel that I’m worth the wait just as he is worth the wait for me. It is insulting and hurtfull to wake up and find him on the computer when I am just one room away, it hurts to know the only reason he’s on me is becasue he was online porn when I came in and he has some visions of whores to get off to. I am more than a body to use in place of his hand after porn time.

Now I’m not some prude who won’t expieriment and play, I’m not so up tight that he can’t lok at women on the street or go to hooters with the boys — heck if I see a woman he would think is sexy I even point her out — thats not the point , it’s when I am pushed asde and replaced by porn…..

You ask what if he wanted me to get rid of my vibrator or give up a friend saying it hurt him and he didn’t like it, well I share the vibrator and we talk about the friends . If something is important enough to him to be uset by it then I am more than willing to find a compromise. I have cmpromised over porn. I don’t just say no and expect him to have no sex life. I expect him to respect my feelings too……. Me first, porn if I’m not around anytime soon ( like a couple days) can’t wait a day take a shower – but don’t replace me, or better yet let the suspence and heat grow so we can have fun togeather putting it ut. It’s no fun for putting out your porn fire. I want the sex to be with me ( two people shareing) not on me while his mind is at xxx.com…….

Selfish would be not concidering the needs and desires of the other person. I am willing to do just about anything short of playing second fiddle to the internet

May 2, 2009 at 9:48 pm
(353) Only the wife says:

I’ve read these and I AM a wife living it. So lets just be honest with each other and ourselves. If you are married to a man who wants his porn, he will not ever put you first. he might be the perfect husband other wise, but even if he not addicted he has been poisoned by it.

No matter how much you love him, no matter how much your willing to do sexually, it will never be enough !!!! You can be total sexy, willing and able, or you may be heavy and sick, won’t make a difference other than for the heavy part to be an excuse to blame it all on you. When I got married I was the sexy wife who was young and nieve, willing to try anything( for the most part – somethings I didn’t like or hurt I even would continue to do for his pleasure ) He would tell me how sexy I was and the “ONLY” woman for him BLA BLA BLA….. and then wait till I was out for even while and hit the porn, oh yea he sure wanted me now didn’t he….

It boils down to they are always going to look for better, more sexy, something different, and well once in our pants we turn into been there done that—whats next —
No they won’t all actually physically go do another woman, but your can bet your panties when he closes his eyes it’s her panties he’s messin around in…… Yes he does love you, and most likely yes he loves only you – out side of your sexual relationship… But honey you are and never will be all he desires — you are never going to be enough — he will always desirer more ( maybe he will never actually want another woman but he will always desire the thought of them to turn them on – you’ll fill in just fine, but your basically nothing more to him sexually than a live warm blow up doll that moves by itself…..

I am here and now throwing in the towel, I give up, I sureender the fight, runner up , 2nd place , favorite right hand replacement………… I know he’s not on me but on the visions in his head, I am not the whore beneith him just the equivalent of a dildo for me — and my desires and needs only mater when they actually are the ones he wants them to be. It’s all about HIM HIS TURN ON HIS SEX LIFE…..

YOU PORN BOYS WIN

May 3, 2009 at 12:26 pm
(354) Jo says:

This is totally absurd. Porn is not automatically a problem. It’s not bad just to watch porn. I think a lot of the problems come in when one partner (woman or man) automatically assumes that there’s a problem. If porn was more accepted it wouldn’t be such an issue.

May 6, 2009 at 4:32 am
(355) Mich says:

What a sack of sh**!! For all you men on here condoning this smut… are you even listening to these women?? Do you hear what they’re saying?? They hate what porn is doing to their marriage. I don’t care what the cause is for their husband turning to porn… if your wife has an issue with you looking at that crap… Have some respect and STOP!!! Do you love her?? Then show her you love her, and put her needs and wants above your own and stop already. I don’t care what your reason is for watching. If you really love your wife, you would do anything in your power to make her happy. That’s what a real man does. If you can’t… well then, you have an addiction and you really should get some help.

May 6, 2009 at 8:44 pm
(356) get real says:

All right…great point Mich. As a wife living with a husband who watches porn daily, I have a few things to say…In my opinion, if you’re in a relationship where both people are happy and satisfied, and neither one objects to the porn watching, more power to ya. I think it’s toxic, but if it’s a mutual thing, whatever. But if your wife is hurt, or she is feeling betrayed, or angry with you for watching it, how can you justify watching it? Marriage is about a middle grounds. It’s a give and take. You have to consider your wife’s feelings and at least TRY to stop-maybe she wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t so much? It’s like alcohol. If a man has a beer or two every now and then, all right. But if it starts disrupting everyday life, it’s a problem. Same here. If your wife is upset about the porn, you have a problem. Good grief people any of you men have daughters? That is someone’s seriously disturbed and more than likely abused daughter your watching. It’s sad to me that you all don’t get a sick feeling in your stomach when you watch it. This is just my opinion, but if you want to have a truly loving and happy marriage, why not try giving yourself to your wife, even for a week, and see how it goes? You and your wife may really love having more sex and you may not desire the porn as much. Who knows, I just don’t like when women are saddened and hurting and thier husbands don’t care enough to even try to stop….where does that leave the state of the marriage? One day when a man comes along willing to treat that woman with the respect she deserves, she’s going to bust out that marrige like a bat out of hell, and then all you’ll be left with as an old man will be….your computer and movies. Pitiful.

May 6, 2009 at 11:27 pm
(357) ann ominous says:

If watching porn is something that a couple can agree on, then by all means, enjoy it and be happy! Not everyone sees it that way, though.

Like anything in a marriage, there has to be trust and compromise. If you have a problem with your spouse viewing porn, let him/her know.

You need to figure out why you dislike porn. Everyone has their reasons, and you should clearly express those reasons to your spouse. For example, self-esteem. If you have low self-esteem, you can say, “I don’t like that you watch porn because I don’t feel like I measure up to these people.” Your spouse should only have to hear that once and be done with it. Period. The conversation should turn into why you feel the way you do, and he/she should be focused on YOU and not the illicit material.

If this is something that continues to be argued about, I would consider re-evaluating the relationship. It’s the principle of the situation: if your spouse would rather watch porn than honor you, that just speaks for itself.

May 7, 2009 at 3:39 am
(358) Anon says:

Would you be upset if your boyfriend of four years looks/pays for webcam girl sessions? And that it’s gotten so far into the addiction that he calls them “beautiful” when he’s watching them and even has sent pictures of himself to them? He doesn’t care since he says they are in other countries (asia, europe) but it still hurts a ton. It feels like I am getting punched in the gut every time he does this. What should I do?

May 7, 2009 at 2:10 pm
(359) Lilith says:

I find it interesting how the men here are quick to defend it blaming the wife’s weight, looks and inability to act out all his depraved fantasies. In my experience, it’s been the men who have let themselves go but look to any excuse for their perversions to which there is rarely a cure. Men expect women to go through a huge song and dance for them but rarely if ever do the same for their woman. I have found that when women turn the tables on men, is when things actually change. I had a friend who always put her husbands sexual needs first. Regardless, her husband was a porn addict and lied about it and even set up a profile on adult sites for “dates”. She busted him and basically said, hey, if you want to look at porn and date other women, go ahead. I’m going to do the same and no longer will you be the focal point of our marriage. He did a major 180 when he felt threatened by the possibility of someone else having sex with his wife. Funny how he didn’t have the same standards for himself – they rarely do. I personally wouldn’t have anything to with someone like that but if it works for you, great. Other than that ladies, realistically, men have no interest in being faithful to one woman so why be faithful in return and why bother getting married? Every woman I know regrets marriage because they put way more into it than they ever get in return. Why bother when women do well enough on their own.

May 8, 2009 at 1:38 pm
(360) it's really simple says:

This is reall a simple matter if you don’t over think it.
You get married, your vows say things like,
love, honor, foresake all others, in sickness in health, ect….

It simply states you are giving all of yourself to your partner. You promise to love and respect them.

If porn works for both of you you are with in your vows, if you choose to go that route as a couple or you both agree it’s an ok release as long as the other persons needs are met first so your not neglecting your partner, then as long as YOU BOTH AGREE it’s ok

BUT ONCE IT IS NOT OK WITH ONE OF YOU, IF YOUR PARTNER IS BEING REPLACED BY PORN AND LEFT UNSATISFIED, THEN YOU ARE OUT OF LINE, WRONG, AND YES THAT HORRIBLE WORD CHEATING. YOU ARE CHEATING YOUR PARTNER OUT OF A PROMISE YOU MADE ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.

IT IS SIMPLE , MARRAGE IS A PROMISE TO FOR SAKE ALL OTHERS, AND TO INTENTIONALLY SEEK OUT THE SEXUAL GRATIFICATION WITH OTHERS ( REMEMBER THE OLD SAYING “IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS” YOU ARE PUSHING YOUR PARTENER OUT )

May 8, 2009 at 4:48 pm
(361) tdub says:

My husband looks at porn and i hate it. He lies about it and hides it from me. He says it’s because he is curious and that is just how men are wired. He says it has nothing to do with but he also knows how much it hurts me especially when he lies about it. I have tried to watch it with him and he don’t want to. I have also tried many new things that he has seen in porn and wanted to try and I just feel like whatever I do is never enough for him. He will only have sex with me once or maybe twice a week and he says it’s because he is too old…he is only 35. Givin I am 12 years younger than him but when we dated we would make love 10-15 times a week and now it has dropped dramatically. I feel it is because he is using porn to satisfy him and not me. What do I do?

May 12, 2009 at 9:34 pm
(362) UNKNOWN says:

His just tired of you, Drop the husband get a vibrator!

May 16, 2009 at 11:14 pm
(363) private says:

First off let me say that I stumbled across this subject and was just amazed at the number of people with such a common problem.

First I am not religious, nor is my wife. We have been married for over twenty five years, and in spite of the fact that I am now 63, we have a very active sex life.

I guess it helps that we care very much for each other, but it also helps that we didn’t want to fall into the trap that most of you appear to be experiencing.

First, for the women out there, I don’t look at porn, not because I have any personal prohibition to it, but because I find it boring. This is the truth, but perhaps more than a little of it is due to my wife understanding something very important about me and sex.

Sex is 90% mental and 10% physical for most men, inspite of the fact the men don’t realize it. By this I mean that it is very important to me that my wife think about sex and make me understand that she is thinking about sex in every way possible. I am not talking about her walking around in a negligee, but doing things more subtle. Whether she pats my backside on the way by or happens to wear one of my shirts and nothing else, all of this creates a fire between us.

On the other hand, I enjoy touching and using mental and physical foreplay on my wife. I am not talking just before sex, but rather between our acts of sex so that I am constantly sending her a meassage of disire not just for her, but for sex with her. I admit to encouraging her to watch “Basic Instinct” as an example. In fact the first time we watched it, it took us a week to get through the movie due numerous breaks for, you guessed it – sex. Perhaps that is considered porn, but we just consider it a great movie.

The most important thing that men must realize is that if they are not causing their wives or girlfriends to have multiple orgasms, then they are not doing it right. By that I mean, if they don’t take the time to seduce their wives or girlfriends, and take it as a personal challenge and desire to create multiple orgasms each and every time they make love then they are missing one of the most enjoyable parts of sex.

If a man can’t take time to master his wife’s body, then how can he expect her to master his own. Before someone assumes that I am talking about a master/servant relationship, I am not.

I am talking about making it your first and most important reason in making your wife enjoy sex. By doing so, believe me she will return the pleasure many times over. It is the mans responsiblity to assume responsiblity for his wife’s orgasms. It is in fact the very taking of this responsiblity that will cause your wife or girl friend to think you walk on water. (No religious connotation intended) More importantly it is the taking of this responsibility that can and will create in the man the most enjoyable part of sex.

I hope some you will understand what I am trying to get at, because it is much easier to do than explain it. Just remember if you want her to be responsible for your pleasure, then you must be responsible for hers, first and foremost. If as a man you find it enjoyable and desirable to cause your wife to have multiple orgasms, then and only then will you realize what sex is all about.

Don’t confuse this with some form of selflessness, because there is nothing selfless about sex. It is and should be the most selfish thing you do. It is only by enjoying the act of causing your wife to lose control and totally give herself to you that you will experience the real joys of sex.

May 27, 2009 at 1:15 pm
(364) Wanker'sWife says:

I’ve been married to a porn user for over 20 years. In the beginning, I naively followed the “sex experts” advice and joined in. Bad move.
I experienced the typical emotions of humiliation, lack of trust and lowered sexual self-esteem. But you know what the real problem was? My desire for my husband was what took the biggest hit. Why?

Well I ask you, what is even remotely sexy about a guy who jerks off in secret with dirty pictures? Please. I might as well go searching for boyfriends in the Clearasil aisle at the drugstore. Yuck! There’s a reason why guys don’t mention masturbation under their hobbies in personal ads. It’s a huge turn-off, and they know it.
Guys who do porn are sexual losers. Period.

May 28, 2009 at 1:43 am
(365) my2centsworth says:

First, I want to comment on some posts that say it is okay to view porn in the place of your wife not being “attractive” enough. Sure, that does make sense. I agree that it could be used to fill a “void” in your marriage. But, some of these posts are not about men filling a “void”. They are dealing with men who have an addiction. Addiction changes the way a person thinks. It consumes the mind and gives these men an “I gotta have it at all cost” attitude. That, my friend (to all the people here that think porn is okay) is what is bad about it. I have to admit to being shocked by some of John P’s posts. I assume that since you spend so much time on this site giving out your “free” advice, that you are not very busy doing your job in a REAL office.
Now, my husband suffers from this addiction. He had this problem before marriage (he hid it from me) and has continued through-out our marriage. This, of course had nothing to do with my looks. He had the problem when he chose to marry me as a beautiful, young girl and still has the problem after he married me as an aging mother of his 2 children. Why don’t you offer some real help on how to handle addiction in a marriage?!?! I’ve taken my husband to get help, I’ve sat through the sessons listening to how my husband “see’s his viewing porn as a bad thing, but just can’t stop.” I’ve been the loving, forgiving wife. I chose to try and change myself so that my husband would turn to me instead of the computer. I told him to wake me up at night whenever he had his “urges to view porn” so that I could be the one for him instead of the computer. I have been choosing to be there for him for years now. But, he still can’t stop! Now, I’m the numb, can’t feel any love for my husband wife. Is that MY FAULT??? With all that I have been doing to help him stop, he still tries to lie and sneak around. How could that not destroy the trust in a marriage?

May 30, 2009 at 2:41 pm
(366) Debbie says:

I am dealing with this problem now. My husband is addicted to porn. He no longer wants to have sex with me because of it. We have gotten into numerous fights over it. He has even watched the porn when it’s the young teenagers ( 18 and 19 yrs of age ) having sex with older men, and what really made me mad was, that one of the teenager’s had a striking resemeblance to our oldest daughter ( almost like twins) He won’t stop. He lies about watching porn all the time. I am very close to leaving my husband.

June 4, 2009 at 8:57 pm
(367) noname says:

I don’t know if anyone will read this… as most of you will most likely have figuted out woman don’t think that pron is ok. well i am a guy with the “problem” and i think their right. dudes ever tried to stop, it just don’t seem to work. now i am not a married man, but even now in my unmarried state it is effecting my life in a bad way so i purly disbelieve anyone who says that they can have a good marriage and porn together. woman don’t believe that you are not enough for you husband he likely still loves you. here is a few thinks that may help you understand why we act the way we do in regards to porn.

1)men fall into two sides, those that believe that porn is ok and those that don’t. those that believe that porn is ok have likely justified it because most parents just don’t talk about it with their kids, at one point all the men i have talk to felt wrong for doing porn, and as boy often were scared to tell anyone.

2)Just because they look at porn dosen’t mean they are for it. many men have the addiction but don’t now how to break it. woman i don’t know if you can help in this area as i have never had the courage to ask anyone for help, in a way for your marrages i hope you can.

3)a man’s confidance is very important to him he will go to great lengths to protect it, even deciding to do something willingly inorder to appear in control

4)we look at porn because it gets us hard… the reason we finish is because we fantisice what we think is any number of things, mine often involve sex with a character (not from the porn) as my wife however i don’t have a wife so it may be different with other men.

5)porn isn’t a replacement it is convent, easy, however it is unsatisfing. those that do porn still seem to want a relationship with woman.

6)many of us want to stop, most of us have difficuaty just telling someone about it so we try on our own always scared and ashamed.

7)the desires come on quickly and for me well i have fought the same urge for hours untill i gave in.

8) we usally feel like we failed.

i hope this give alittle insight my ideas may biased to the side that believes porn is wrong. also just so you know our two bigest fears are that we will fail and that our wife or girlfriend will leave us. espicaly if we tell them our faults.

if you wish to leave any comments email me at:
gigadracol988@gmail.com
thankyou

June 10, 2009 at 12:26 pm
(368) D says:

Masterbation has been with me since before I turned a teenager. I agree that in some of my relationships porno and masterbation had become the factor of its failure but then again those past relationships were never ment to be any way since I am married now. My addiction though has decreased with age and for my loving wife now. I do everything possible to make her happy, rarely thinking of myself at anytime of our marraige. When we moved in together before getting married I had 1 porn dvd with me and we didn’t have internet back then(over 2 years ago) and so I thought she didn’t have a problem with me watching it since she knew about it. She even helped hide it to keep it from her kids and still did not mention that it would be a problem for her later. Now we have the internet and occationally I do get on to watch a little porn, just trailers and some utube(not pornagraphic but still sleezy) and now she suddenly has a problem with it all. I love my wife and would do anything for her but like we all mostly agree that this is an addiction for me. 19 years of the same habit can not be terminated in just one attempt. This will take time with me but the more she hounds me about how it makes her mad the more I want to do it. Threats of divorse or seperation only intensify the urge cause it can be a way of stress relief or door way to cope with problems. She is beautifly sexy to me at every moment but this will not go away just cause she says so.

My reasoning is why can’t I have something that I enjoy, that I like to do INSTEAD of going out with the guys to strip clubs, dance clubs, looking for hookers or even finding anything to take my time away from the family.(I don’t do it when they’re awake or home)So outside of work 100% of my free time is with my family.

Okay I’m going to try my best to kick this habit but if I find another way to RNR(relax,sports,hobby) and it takes my time away from being home and I love it then she’ll just have to accept it.

June 23, 2009 at 6:49 am
(369) kb says:

Porn is taking away energy, time, and focus from your primary lover / relationship. You are not in the moment with one but with many or the other woman or man on the screen..It’s two timing a sexual experience that is not a true intimate or personal in anyway. It allows you to tune into the false intimacy or screen or pic without caring what the real person you are using -seducing- or needing for frictiion to get your climax from as a vessel and object only. There is no bonding with your mate if you have to sexually charge yourself via an image of someone else in order to enjoy the moment with a real woman who is presant and giving her sexuality to your freely. It’s disrectful and degrading and says – I don’t care for you but prefer that up there on the TV or in the magazine..rude, crude, lude, and unforgiveable. I’m not a prude but value my self worth and sexuality..it’s a gift not a toy. Use it repectfully or turn to the hand..as that’s all you get from me..the door and the boot.. Grow up and quit acting like little boys who need thier sexual toys or false intimacy to jerk off to..just a fantasy life with a fantasy man..shallow and shameful.

June 25, 2009 at 2:43 am
(370) Lily says:

I am a nympho and a kinkster, but the one thing I hate is porn. I can’t wrap my head around why my fiance would rather watch that than come to bed with me. We had a 3 and a half year relationship over the telephone before I moved to Florida to be with him. I left everything behind in Michigan just to be with him- my two week old niece that I barely got to know, eleven aunts and uncles, dozens of cousins, my sister, parents, elderly grandparents that might not be around much longer, and many friends. The day I left my dad cried! My sister’s boyfriend kissed me on the cheek and told me he’d miss me! I said goodbye to my life for him and moved 1200 miles away. For 5 months we were so happy- we got to kiss and touch and see eachother for the first time ever! For the last 3 months though we’ve been fighting because I discovered his stash on his computer. I asked him to stop watching it and his protective reaction about his addiction was that it’s his house and his rules and that if I don’t like it I can leave. He knows that I can’t get back to Michigan because I have no money and I don’t know what to do. Some people out there say, “Watch it with him, maybe you’ll like it.” I am a grown adult and know what I like. What I don’t like is watching the love of my life looking at other women the way he never looks at me. It’s not fair. I gave up everything in the world for him and he won’t do this one thing for me. I don’t want my family to worry and am too embarrassed to tell them. I am all alone a long way from home. In the early morning he gets up and watches it so now I can’t sleep at all because if I’m awake he can’t do it. It is ruining my life. Up until this we haven’t had any problems and were planning on getting married. Now I’m not so sure anymore. He wants me to compromise and let him know what he can watch, but I keep crying and asking, “Why won’t you look at me??” His only answer is that looking at me is not the same. In all this there is only one thing I know- This is the reason why people have self esteem problems. I never had a problem until my fiance said that looking at me isn’t the same as looking at other women. I’ve seen his videos- those women look nothing like me. That is all there is to it- men can’t find women with personality and sex appeal in one package. So they think it’s ok to get 2 packages- loving wives and sluts on camera. It’s not fair to women. It is only an excuse for them to get what they want. I’ve always been open to different things in bed as long as there is no porn and I am the only one my fiance lusts after. He told me that he didn’t care I was hurt by it and that I was being irrational. Just then my fiance stopped caring about my feelings. That was when I knew that porn had corrupted him. In this case, porn ruined our marriage before it even started. Unless he quits cold turkey I am going to find a way to get back to Michigan. He meant the whole world to me and now I am being treated like unwanted garbage. All I wanted was for him to want me and love instead- just one little sacrifice for all the sacrifices I’ve given. With no love, sex, passion, caring, or consideration I am nothing but the maid. I am sick of it and done with it.

June 28, 2009 at 4:38 am
(371) joyless says:

I was researching sexless mariage and the effects of porn on marriages when I came across this blog. I have been reading it off and on over the last few days now and decided I needed to write. I don’t have any close friends except my daughters and I can’t talk to them about my sex life. And I think you would understand my issues better than any friend.
I have been married to my husband for over 23 years. Ups and downs, but a pretty good marriage overall. Sex was great at first and then became so-so. I always needed warming up to it. The ironic thing was that when I went thru menopause, instead of losing interest, I gained more interest in sex. But there was none. My husband did not touch me for over a year, but I was silent. Then by accident I found his porn on the computer. I confronted him with it, asking if that was why he didn’t touch me. He said he had looked at porn and masturbated since he was a kid, while married to his first wife, and with me since. I told him how it made me feel rejected and cheated on, and he said he would not do it anymore. We started having sex more frequently and I thought it was getting better. I was (am) open to doing some things to spice it up, asking what he liked, etc. But the sex dwindled and became almost non-existant again (maybe every 3-4 months). I know he’s back on the porn sites, probably in the morning when he does his exercises (including his one arm one)…the only time he closes the door in the room with the weights and computer. He set his computer to dump his history (they only do that if there’s something to hide?) I have considered leaving for several reasons, this being one. I have been depressed over life, economics, and the state of our intimate relationship. I wrote him a letter several months ago, trying to tell him something of how I was feeling, but left out the porn part. Just said lack of touching and intimacy. Also, how it made me feel when I saw he took a female business aquaintance to lunch at a nice restaurant right after our anniversary, which we spent at Wendy’s to save money. It made him mad at first, but we talked, we had sex a few times after that, and he started holding my hand in bed. I think sometimes to keep me from touching him. But I won’t, when I don’t think he wants anything to do with it. If I felt he wanted it, I would not mind instigating sex.
Back in April, I was depressed again and wrote a list of my issues, including our lack of a sex life and questions why, what, what to do. There are a lot of other stressors in our life with the economy right now. I listed porn on the why possibilities. We talked and I showed him the list. He said he did not feel the need for intimacy in his life. I asked if it was physical(ed), but he said the physical was that his back and shoulder always hurt when he got up (he likes morning sex). And he didn’t like that I had gained weight and let myself go…yes, I gained some, mostly midrift going thru menopause (at that time, 5-5, 165lbs, size 14). He has always exercised – to balance his sweet tooth- and stayed reasonably fit. He does have some “love handles”, and a bit of belly, but okay to me. He’s mostly bald at top, and legs too skinny for bod, no butt, but that’s okay to me. But, I signed us both up at the gym in April and I have been going 5-6 days a week for 1-1.5 hrs each. I have lost about 8-9 lbs, 6.5″ and gained some muscle. I need to lose another 15-20 lbs and keep the tone. But, I know I will not be the body that he sees on the computer…no airbrush here. There’s a reason the porn stars are young, not 60s. I use the gym now to get out my frustrations and it helps me keep from crashing, but I know when I get to my goal weight, and he’s still not interested, I will have to deal again. I know deep down that it is not about me, my weight, his back, or anything else but his detachment due to the porn. That is what scares me. If he doesn’t acknowledge it, and want to fix it, it won’t get any better. Yesterday, I made another list…reasons to go, reasons to stay. They were about equal. I’m 61 and it’s hard to start over at that age, especially with jobs. I’m not interested in finding someone else. I have things in life I want to do yet, but not sure I want to do alone. I will probably stay, if I can find a way to get beyond the daily feeling of rejection and forget about that part of my life. It’s just a matter of time before it’s gone anyway. Maybe if the economy turns around and I can get busy again… Thanks for letting me vent here.

July 1, 2009 at 3:03 pm
(372) Concerned says:

I see that this matter has ruined alot of relationships. I found porn on my husbands pc 9 years ago and almost left him, over 5000 items to be exact. Well we argued alot and his resposonse was he was lonely. That was a good excuse considering I was in bed or at work. Over the years more porn appeared and I deleted it without saying a word. He knew, well about 9 months ago I decided to view porn with him and even took him to nice strip clubs. We had a great time together. While we were working apart I went to his recent items documents to open a spreadshhet he had been working on and BOOM in my face was links to his download file. The items were deleted or moved. I would have to say moved. I thought we had became closer and he didn’t download anymore items. Shame on me…Well he has since called me a snoop and is very angry with me, we haven’t had sex in a few days. He has locked me out of his laptop and locks it when he walks away from it. That just makes me more upset. We have been married for 25 years and he says he operates on logic and I operate on emotion. I feel like the trust is gone and I have tried to meet him half way on this but hasn’t with me. Today he tells me I need to talk to a friend or somehting. He tells me I have deep seated issues I need to resolve, what a slap in my face. I don’t see us lasting forever at this rate and think we should work it out between us rather than talk to someone about it. He had told me before when everything was fun he would stop, I guess thats what hurts more than anything.

July 5, 2009 at 2:29 pm
(373) Annie says:

When porn is shared as a couple for occassional fun, I don’t see it as a big deal. However, my husband is on the PC masturbating to porn whenever I am not around (I check the PCs history). He masturbates to porn to the point that we only make love 4 times a year and he is very passive when we do. I am an attractive woman, have men hit on me regularly and have thought long and hard about not living like an old maid in my own marriage. My husband uses sex as a controlling tool and has even said to me, “if you bring home women to our bed, I’ll give you more sex.”

July 16, 2009 at 3:19 pm
(374) Marriage counselling says:

The Internet and porn definitely affects marriages. I learned this in my day-to-day online marriage counselling work and it seems to be an issue that is increasingly mentioned. I also know of cases in which the porn issue resulted in divorce. Sensitivity for each other backgrounds and the different meanings peopleís assosiate with porn needs to be given space in counselling.

July 20, 2009 at 7:03 pm
(375) John P. says:

I’m still maintaining the position that it’s not porn itself which affects marriages. It is lack of sexual activity between parties, or broken trust combined with other problems. I wonder whether you ever seen a couple which had no sexual issues, but came to counseling only because the husband watched porn. What I see is more and more people blamed porn, social networks and Craigslist for the problems in their marriage. But we know it’s usually not a reason. It is an excuse. What typically happens is that a person is losing sexual interest in another person because of some reason – stress, illness, kids, busy job, changes in appearance, mid-age crisis, and so on. Then they switch their attention to virtual friends in social networks or porn. Just removing the object from the picture (i.e. social network or porn) won’t help, as the patient attention will only work as a temporary solution, and in long term it will switch to something else, maybe even more dangerous, like alcohol or hookers. The way to work it out is to understand what led to attention switch, and revert it, so this other stuff is not required anymore. This is not easy, and requires a lot of experience and patience. Hoping that everything could be fixed by telling the husband that porn hurts you and he must stop it immediately is as naive as would be kicking a wheel of a broken car with an expectation that it will fix itself.

Personally I’m really amazed that a lot of people here admitted that they knew about their spouse addiction even before the relationship starts, or discovered it shortly after, as such confession is pretty rare in face-to-face meetings. Usually it comes with self-justification like “He promised it would stop”, “I thought he would stop”, or “We said our wedding vows – then it should have stopped, right?”. Makes me really wonder if people still fall into Nigerian scams – after all, they make sound promises too. If you started dating, or even married a person who had an addiction which you knew you would not tolerate, then you should spare the blame as well.

#365: Yes, you may be shocked, and it is fine. Have you ever read the “A few things your lawyer would like to tell you”? You got an idea. You’ll never hear from a counselor anything like “C’mon, most men would lose sexual interest if their wife gained 30 pounds in six months”, this is not constructive and won’t lead to anything. But as I said before, I’m just sharing my opinion and having fun here. Is this selfish? Yes, it is, and I have no problem with being selfish. You don’t like it? Well, I don’t care.

July 29, 2009 at 10:16 am
(376) ... says:

17 year old girl, my boyfriend watches porn. We currently live together. And he has an addiction.

There are a few things I need to get off my chest.

Every day we are bombarded by sexualised images of women. The media is getting more pornographic and pornography is increasingly violent and degrading to women. It seems that pornography is always pushing the limit to BEYOND hardcore, to give desensitised viewers the arousal they need, and have them coming back for more.

I’ve watched porn myself, the first time I watched porn i was 12. And seeing grown women being drilled in all 3 holes was shocking but oddly NOT surprising. i took it all on board and assumed that was how you were supposed to behave when you were intimate and that pornography should be used as a guideline for a good and healthy sex life. I have grown (a little) older and realised that’s not the case, but still struggle with self image problems, have been hospitalised for anorexia (like everyone other third teenage girl), and i have a boyfriend who watches porn. and it hurts me. it hurts me to the core. i try not to take it personally. but he hits a nerve. and the nerve is my sexuality, my essence of femaleness, of feeling beautiful and wanted. and all these things are very important to me (currently in recovery) especially at this stage in my life when i am on the cusp of being a woman and exploring my sexuality. and honestly porn is an unwelcome guest in my life and our relationship.

I’m so exhausted. i’m exhausted of our society, and how sex sells. i’m tired of the media and the pornographic culture we live in, constantly dehumanising females into a sum of body parts, it seems that women are only valued for their sex appeal and ability to arouse. i know it’s not the case, but it’s hard not to feel this way when you’re a young sensitive impressionable teenage girl.

it has crushed me, and continues to crush me every day. i’m sitting here reading these comments and crying, feeling terrible for all you poor women… terrified that it will always be like this. the future looks grim.

sorry if this didn’t make sense

July 30, 2009 at 2:42 pm
(377) Possibly Addicted says:

I only look at pornography because my wife only wants to have sex a few times a month sometimes fewer and when we do she sometimes does not get totally into it. I initiate it everytime and she never touches me down there or performs oral sex. I always go down on her and she loves it. She says the precum is gross. What am I supposed to do? If my wife was more into and it was more frequent I would not look at it. I have been caught a couple times and I tell her I am sorry but I can’t stop. I need her to be more intimate with me.

August 1, 2009 at 5:52 pm
(378) ryyyyiiu says:

the latest article on porn and society

Please all leave some supporting comments! Too many people speak against the negative consequences caused by porn and they are all just excuses, please speak up your thoughts!

http://www.alternet.org/media/141675/the_rise_of_gonzo_porn_is_the_latest_sign_of_america's_cultural_apocalypse_/

August 8, 2009 at 2:51 am
(379) Stephanie says:

Two Great books to read, “Every man’s battle” and “Every Heart Restored” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred and Brenda Stoeker. Just because the world says its “a mans thing”, doesn’t mean it is correct. Our society does not value marriage. If you are a Christian, then you already know to lust after a woman is committing adultery (in the bible). The fact is, it is difficult for a man to view another woman without thinking about something sexual. I never understood this until I recently found out my husband was having an emotional affair with another woman and had a few items of porn saved in his email folder. Look, women and men view stuff differently, but its not okay and its not just what men do. A real man..well, one that is close to God, who is close to the truth and is righteous. What I’ve learned, you want a good partner, then be one. Making excuses for your husband viewing porn is taking away from you and your sexual intimacy. Your husband should be getting excited over your body, not someone elses. Vice versa for women.

August 8, 2009 at 3:10 am
(380) Stephanie says:

Oh, I don’t think people who view porn or engage in sexual sin are just bad, bad people. Its funny. I was asking my husband today, when you see a beautiful woman, what is your first thought. He said wonder what it would be like or something sexual. Not that he is hoping, but its something in men..whether it be the underwear adds in the Sunday paper or on the internet. Again, never understood it. Always thought there must be something wrong with certain men. It is truly a battle for men. For most women, we look at a man with a nice physique and say, wow, what a good looking man. Not wow, I want to have sex with him. There is your difference.

Open the communication with your spouse. I’ve learned more things about my husband and about the way he thinks in the last few days, then I did in the 12 1/2 years we’ve been together. I too would get upset when I caught him on the internet a couple times. I felt I wasn’t good enough and of coarse recently with the affair. We’re in counseling now and getting more involved in our church. Its a good thing. Yes, we’re human. But don’t fool yourself when the deceiver is trying very hard to convince you it is okay. It’s not. Gods plan for marriage does not include adultery, pornography, etc. Again, get the books. They have helped us tremendously. Take care of you too! Peace to all of you.

August 12, 2009 at 2:37 am
(381) Lisa says:

I’ve skimmed through a couple of comments on here and I just wanted to add my own two cents. I’ve been married for 7 years…two of which I discovered on my own that my husband was cheating on me (to this day I’m not sure if it was emotionally or physically) and he has always been into porn and looking at “daily babes” on facebook. When I first got pregnant I gained a lot of weight and felt like I wasn’t attractive to him anymore…it’s been 7 years now and I feel like if and when I get toned and into shape it’s going to big a HUGE spiteful thing towards him because I’m not a bad looking person anyways…just a little overweight. I’ve lost 40 lbs. already and am looking better than ever and I want all the women out there who feel like their man is always looking at other women to join me in this battle….I know it’s bad but lets make them feel like they should never have looked away!!!! Hey…for me…it’s a motivating, driving factor in my life to be a better person.

August 12, 2009 at 2:15 pm
(382) And What..... says:

WTF is wrong with you people! Its just porn! A fake whore screaming nothing but fake organsims! Are ya’ll jealous of these fake sluts? If it bother you so damn much well, Invest in a Lippo suction a breast agumantion and dye you hair blonde and there is your solution. lol. Get a Life people. there is other things in the world to be worried about other than porn. And If you wanna go on and fight porn industries I tell you what set up and appoitment with Obama and tell him you want to ban porn! there now thats said….

August 25, 2009 at 1:20 am
(383) Lisa says:

I’m a happily and blissfully married woman and mother of two children and I look at porn occasionally. It has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings towards my spouse nor towards my marriage. It’s simply a visual aide when I don’t feel like going through the whole ordeal of having sex or if I am alone and the mood strikes.
Try to be more understanding.

If it turns into an addiction, that is one thing, but everyone is entitled to fantasize. No one can be or should be controlled that much! Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that you aren’t still an individual with your owns likes, dislikes, wants and needs.

September 3, 2009 at 11:22 pm
(384) Essence says:

I am reading all these comments and so many hit home for me. I am engaged, confused and scared. My significant other watches a lot of porn especially when I am not around. He goes on websites that is made for hooking up. I recently stumbled onto the site and the filthy messages he was writing to women even married ones, portraying himself to be single and not looking for marriage. I confronted him about it and months after bickering he deleted his profile and closed his account. Weeks later I am using the computer and I can see from the history recent activity on same sites ‘he removed’ himself from.

Should I even still consider marriage? I love him but I feel that I am compromising too much. He does not see it as hurting me or cheating. But I refuse to go into a marriage this way. Am I going into a potential war zone by marrying this guy?

September 7, 2009 at 6:22 pm
(385) WTF says:

Wow. There’s a bunch of crazy gals here! Time to get a grip.

#1 laddies its your fault if your fault that you lack the self esteem to deal with porn.

#2 The largest growing segment of porn viewership is female.

#3 Their are a ton of directors that are female and make sensitive porn for ladies.

#4 If porn is cheating so is that gaze you gave to the poolboy today.

#5 Not all men are pigs.

#6 Dont most of you own a magic wand vibe.

September 11, 2009 at 4:42 pm
(386) tab says:

I have read most of the comments on this page with a heavy heart. I’m not going to preach what the bible says, or claim that men are pigs, etc.

I guess I need to share my feelings in hopes to help me ease some of the pain.

I’ve been married for 30 years and lived with the same man for 32. I have “been” with him and him only since I was 18. That is both physically and mentally. When we are not together (because of work or whatever) my mind is on my business, not the man sitting beside me, the man walking down the street, the man in the store, etc. if he has an excellent body, a large penis or a tight tush.
I’m not interested nor have a desire to look at the men of porn, either.

I have a man a husband that I dearly love and enjoy sex with. He is my “magic wand”. I know it would insult him and it would be disrepectful if my mind was constantly thinking of sex with someone else.

I have heard him while on a business trip consistently talking about the big titty b**ch walking down the street, the hot women in a certain town, how pretty they are, give me h**d. I’ve seen the porn sites and videos he has been watching of girls in their twenties. Women having sex with one another or using a “magic wand” on themselves while sitting by a creek and many more. Sitting in a hotel room at night (alone I’m told) surfing porn and deleting his history file so his “unreasonable” wife won’t discover it.

He is 54 and I am 50. It has just been him and I for 32 years, no kids. This was my life long partner, my friend, my lover, my husband that made a choice to take the intimacy out of our life long marriage. If you believe that this is about low self esteem when a wife discovers that her husband has made this type of choice in “their” marriage, your wrong.

This is about having pride in ones self and ones marriage to insist that your husband your lover keep your private sexual life between the two of you. I don’t believe that a man would want his wife to be dreaming of “Joe long d***” while making love to him.

So, our marriage is in the process of divorce and I hurt everyday. I’m told by friends and family that it will get easier or why do you care about the sick SOB…

I hope within a year from now this emotional roller coaster is gone… That I am building a happy life for myself.

I hear don’t wish your life away but boy am I looking forward to Sept. 2010…

September 13, 2009 at 3:18 am
(387) missy says:

I’m on the verge of making a decision to divorce my husband. I need other peoples opinions. I’ve tried to find a story similar to mine and can’t find anyone who’s been in my situation. I met my husband 10 years ago. Everything was perfect as it always is in the beginning. I moved in with him soon after that. One day I came home from work(he always got home 30 min-1 hour before me) and I turned on the tv, I noticed the channel would be on a pay per view channel9just blank screen). I asked him why the tv would be on that channel. His reply-the good ole “I don’t know”. Well, I didn’t think nothing of it until that happened again another day. I then was getting some suspicions what might be going on. I called our local cable company and asked for an itemized bill and they sent me one. Sure enough he was ordering pay per view porno when he got home from work. I was devastated. I had always been self-conscious of how I looked(small breasted). We worked through it and got married 2 yrs later. I went through breast cancer,chemo,radiation, mastectomy on 1 braest, then reconstruction(tram-when they take your abdomen skin,tissue) While I was in a hospital bed all scarred up and bandaged up from the reconstruction surgery I just had, he decides to rent porn from our local video store. I just found this out recently. We had been going to the video store this past year and every time we would get ready to pay they would say there is late fee charge, Again, he convinced to begin with,that he didn’t know and it was movies that we just fogot to get back on time. Well, I knew we didn’t rent that many movies. We got in a huge argument and as always he denied and lied. Just pure lied about everything. In a fit of anger he himself went to video store to get a printout of all movies that were rented. He handed it to me and admitted to some of the porno movies but not all that were rented out. The dates that he did this was when I was hospitalized for 5 days, and also an out of town 3 trip I made to go to a realtives funeral. That disgusted me. To think that I was laying in a hospital bed to make myself look normal again and to now know what he was doing when he came home from visiting me. He has been apolegetic-not heartfelt-I’ll never get that. He promised to never do it again and he’s even said he’s glad it came about that I know now but I’m not trusting him in anthing that he says or does. I know without any doubt that there are more things that I don’t know about. How is my marriage suppose to survive this. I have wanted out for a while.But I think we both hold on because we couldn’t make it alone finacially. We have no kids. We haven’t been intimate in a very long time. It was hard for me to be when I still have scars-even though I have 2 breasts now-they’re not the most perfect ones-and then to add the situation of all the porno-there’s just no way I can be intimate with him anymore. So, if there’s no intimacy and no trusting him, what is left of our marriage??

September 30, 2009 at 3:07 pm
(388) marriageontherocks says:

I know how these women feel and for you women that enjoy it you must not respect yourselves. How could you allow your husband to look at another woman naked? He’s fantasizing about her and this fantasy grows into objectifying women. I just found out my husband looked at porn he says it’s to get away from stress and blah blah blah. He’s also lied to me about many things. There’s bound to be a decent man out there that won’t make you women feel horrid! One that actually keeps their vows and loves you wholeheartedly to stray away from temptation. It’s one thing for your husband to look at it and apologize than stop. It’s another for him to apologize with empty words. Get out of this if you can and if not let him have a taste of his own medicine. I’m sick of being the loving wife and I blame those trashy sluts and my stupid immature idiotic of a husband. Yes some of you say I probably shouldn’t have married him and I completely agree. Pornography is a sign of disrespect and if he doesn’t care and keeps doing it LEAVE. I feel your pain and wish all these dumb ones that say pornography is okay will feel it one day too!

October 1, 2009 at 12:27 am
(389) confused says:

i found porn on my (then) boyfriends computer. he had plenty of excuses, i bought them. we married and had a child a year or so later. we have been together 9 years altogethr. he rarely ever iniates sex. he says normal sex is boring. he prefers the other stuff. he always locks his computer and is up late every night…he works with computers for a living i have asked “what the hell “many times……his excuse….”i dont just want to just
f%^* my wife for the next twenty years. (this other stuff makes me feel like a whore.)..he likes to make videos of us and masturbate to them…so that he is not viewing other women…i guess that is supposed to be better somehow?? i have tried to be kinky and do the other things….yet its not enough for him. i KNOW he still views porn. i have walked in on him masterbating to the screen. he has escalated to masturbating while we are having a discussion. this is his second marriage, and his first wife had similiar issues with his porn problem escalating into more……….i have always heard guys just watch porn, its something they do. well, that may be. but i believe some people are more prone to addictions….like just having an occasional drink doesn’t make you an alcoholic….but if you start drinking everyday then more and more ….it starts to effect your mind and it will take over your life. PORN can be an addiction. it can be an addiction when it becomes more important than your relationships. This has been hell for me. i want to leave him….he begs me not to…so we just started going to counseling, i am not sure how it will all play out. my heart goes out to those who are also going though this.

October 5, 2009 at 1:05 pm
(390) Erzelia says:

Here’s my question based on comments made by both men and women here. If your partner is doing something that is hurtful to you but tell you the actions no big deal to them. Why don’t they honor your feelings and stop. Especially if the action…be it porn or something else…is negatively affecting the relationship? If it’s ” No Big Deal” and they don’t stop it demonstarts one of two things. The offending partner doesn’t care about your feelings or it’s a bigger deal than they are willing to admit.

October 10, 2009 at 4:45 am
(391) JL says:

I was looking over several sites to substantiate what I’ve learned from research, friends and even strangers about children who’ve been sexually violated.

In this day and age of technology and science, I see no excuse for the following statistics to exist. This crime CAN be eliminated through technology, IT and Biology. We’re just not there yet and I think people just don’t understand the real need yet.

So, Joe, military, (is that right)? Let’s see if you can hold up your military bearing and add to your knowledge base to see the other side. I’m ex military too and I seek truth unafraid without rationalization since my own daughter was raped.

I can see where guys aren’t seeing the whole picture. I can see where a guy has a selfish perversion if he ignores the truth and won’t consider it and continues without actively trying to stop after seeing the truth.

What a horrible trap to be in: not wanting your dtr or sister to be in one of the sites you may pull up someday ready to pleasure yourself to. And somehow trying to find the “good” in porn. Those people in the porn films are applauded at the shows and treated like sub humans by the very public that applauded them.

Anyway, The DOJ estimates 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be raped before the age of 18. You’ll have to look that link up, but I’ve seen it.

Count 3 beautiful, happy little girls and/or 7 sweet, curious, full of life little boys at the store next time you go. Look, knowing one of each will be raped before the age of 18 and with PTSD, be negatively affected for the rest of her life by an unnecessary violation.

Instead of the great spouse, awesome teacher or doctor God had planned for him or her to be that would have loved people and made a positive difference for peace in the world, we have someone who’s seen and lived through the horrors that will keep them a little more distant, less trusting and less able to love freely, uninhibited. Baggage, damaged. We al have it, but should anyone EVER have to have this load to carry?

Can they still do those things? Sure. But why should 1 non thinking, selfish post pubescent male, (not a man), getting his rocks off at a victims expense and have that horror be a part of who she becomes? Unnecesary.

Now here’s one more; I’m not sure I agree with all of it, but a lot of it makes sense. It’s what I want as a woman. I needed a man who wanted the same. Is that honesty too much to ask in a relationship/marriage?

If you have to hide things in a marriage, it’s not really a marriage, and you don’t get the real intimate prize of REALLY becoming ONE; so close and safe with each other with such COMPLETE faith you could cry for the love of that guy.

I never really bonded with my husband on any sexual level, I believe, because of the underlying deception I sensed. I don’t remember sexual encounters. I don’t dream about them. Now that my husband has truly quit, and I think I can really sense it, I am attracted again. Now, he seems unable to let go and enjoy what he says he’s’ always wanted. It may be too late, along with a couple other major issues.

If you’ve muddied it up with lies and perversion that your partner never wanted…. I wouldn’t want you. But, some women might. Just find one who is into it with you.

I think we need to educate our sons and daughters early and show them all we know, which amounts usually to a google search; it seems it’s all been done and they’re going to find it.

Oh BTW, not to be too side tracked in a neutral philosophical question;

If God loves truth, and He can see ALL the human atrocities we commit against one another in this world; babies, children, teens, porn stars, prostitutes, serial murder victims, victims of war, etc… and He has the power to stop it, How can He love THAT truth?

October 13, 2009 at 1:07 pm
(392) BITTER/ SWEET says:

Call me bitter but here is my opinion on this whole thing. I have been with my husband for 8 years but have only been married for less than 1 year. We did not get a computer until after the engagement. We started watching porn together & I was a big fan but I always had to initiate the porn watching & the sex itself. It is to the point now that we are trying to have a baby that he has decided to watch porn all day and violate himself rather than to have sex with his wife. Helloooooo what the hell happened?? When I asked him why he never initiates sex any more he says because I always turn him down!!!! TO ALL YOU MEN OUT THERE, ARE YOU FRICKEN KIDDING ME????? Word to the wise, if you come to bed @ 11pm after your wife worked all day then she had to come home and make you dinner, clean up your mess, do the dishes and do a couple of loads of laundry to make sure that you had clean work clothesÖÖÖÖÖ..And on top of it all, you want her to now have sex with you?????? What in Godís name would make you think for a minute that she would want sex @ that exact moment?????? If men had any brain @ all they would come to the conclusion that this is for sure going to lead to a total turn down and a possible dirty look!!!! Whatís wrong with having sex during the day? Whatís wrong with a little effort on the menís side to make us want it? Donít sit here and say that it is all our fault because we never want it!!! That is a bunch of sh**!! So all in all men, when you are sitting in your tiny little apartment all alone with nothing but a recliner, TV & a computer, donít blame the woman for taking everything from you!!! You can look down @ your hand and know that this is the decision you made due to your lack of creativity & your pure selfishness. And when your wife is out getting what she is missing from some other man, donít cry to your friends about how you canít believe she could do this to you & what kind of whore did you marry!!!! You brought it on yourself so please continue to watch your porn and we will see where it gets you!

October 14, 2009 at 3:03 pm
(393) Jim says:

#1) I’m a man
#2) I’m a Husband
#3) I’m a Father of a daughter and son
#4) I watch porn
#5) I produce porn

In my opinion you all need to take a step back and decide if Porn is ruining your relationship with your husband or is your ruined relationship with your husband leading him to porn.

After reading so many comments here about women who are upset that their husbands have nothing to do with them, sexually and non-sexually, but then will masturbate to porn later. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that if the porn went away he’d all of a sudden have a great interest in you and how you feel. There’s a good chance he’s unhappy about something in his life overall and porn is just an escape.

So what about everyone else?

Well lets talk quickly about Masturbation.
Men masturbate.
Most of us started masturbating at 12 or 13 years old.
Most men continue to masturbate well into their 50′s. Most of us masturbate a minimum a few times a week.
Some of us masturbate several times a day.

The likelihood that we’re thinking about you while we’re masturbating is 1 in a million. Unless it’s you with another woman.

What is he thinking about?

He’s thinking of that Hot mom at your kids Soccer game, you know the one that you could tell was wearing a thong.

He’s thinking of that no so hot divorced mom down the street, you know the one that your husband helped move something the other day for on your request.

He’s thinking of that porn starlet that is a size 2 and wears a 34 DD.

But one thing he’s not thinking of, is you. Why!? 2 reasons above all others. First, Variety is the spice of life. Second, You come with baggage. You want foreplay and loving and cuddling afterwards and to be made love to and sometimes we just want to blow our load and be done.

Ask yourself. When was the last time you weren’t a prude in bed. Talk dirty to him, tell him to F**& you. Go down on him between positions. When was the last time you pull his guy out and gave him a BJ without the guy begging? Do you touch your T*ts or anything while having sex? Probably not. When you’re out and about do you ever grab his a$$ anymore? When was the last time you put your hand in his lap right on his crotch?

So to summarize:

Guys are going to masturbate, it’s what we do. Get used to it. It has no bearing on your relationship. I’m positive a guy married to the victoria’s secret model will masturbate just like your husband.

Guys are going to think about other people while they masturbate. I’m positive the guy married to the victoria’s secret model isn’t thinking of his wife when he’s rubbing one out in the shower. He’s thinking of the girl on page 4 of the catalog instead.

If your sex life is dull it’s probably not porns fault. Nor is it his masturbating. It’s likely that you’re boring in bed or he is unhappy about some other facet of his life.

If you feel completely disconnected from your husband it’s probably not his whacking it to porn that’s causing that disconnection. There’s some underlying issue.

October 18, 2009 at 11:28 pm
(394) "joe" says:

I landed here when searching for “salary ranges in Thailand.” Who knows where I’d have got if I’d added “at not-for-profit organizations.” Anyway, it’s been interesting reading and I thought I’d add another perspective. I am gay and in a long term, committed relationship. I would love to say that I am married but our government does not recognize us, or our needs, or the challenges the uncertainty lack of Federal recognition poses to our relationship. My partner is Thai and the reason I am responding to a job posting for a not-for-profit in Thailand is that there is a near 100% possibility that we will have to return there in a couple of years if we are to preserve our relationship. Both of us would prefer to stay here close to jobs, family and friends and visit our friends and family in Thailand on occasion. I have no more right to live and work in Thailand than my partner does here. Without recognition in one of our home countries, we will have a hard time staying intimately connected and present with our natural families, whom we love and who love us. So just know that all of those negative ads you hear about “gay marriage” are actually anti family.
Ah, a digression, but I hope an important one. Please, especially those of you in Maine and Washington … vote against hate and discrimination … and for families, since all gay people come from and belong to families.
Now on to porn and partnerships. I am less clear here but porn has always been present in the gay community because, without mainstream recognition and validation of gay relationships, it is easy to view them as primarily sexual. The pain and divisiveness that porn causes in straight marriages also occurs in gay relationships but because there is also a history of acceptance of sexual attraction there are perhaps some lessons. Some gay partners have a look but don’t touch policy, some who have similar interests look together, but the irony I really want to express is that since a majority of society (though shrinking) views gay partnerships as abnormal, we have the freedom to decide how we do or don’t incorporate porn into our relationships without the values and judgment most straight people face. Since we go through the pain of breaking with social norms to honor our natural sexual attractions, the very fact of sexual attraction is more accepted. Maybe I didnít have the clear lesson I wanted to express but I would just say to those who are devastated by their partner’s addictions that they do not invalidate you or your relationship, especially if your sexual relationship is otherwise healthy. If you are not having sex with your partner, you probably have an issue but it is probably not caused by porn.

October 20, 2009 at 1:42 pm
(395) Jim says:

I’d just like to ask that any men who post to this state whether or not they think about their spouse when they masturbate.

I think women need to realize that all men fantasize about someone other than their spouse. It’s not unnormal nor unhealthy.

October 21, 2009 at 8:47 pm
(396) Starchild says:

As a young man, looking at pornography, was exciting and it was “cool” to see women with their clothes off. I think most of us guys are exposed to pretty soft core stuff early. The more restricted you are to accessing a sexual partner (work environment, age, finances, etc… (oh, yes)), the stronger the drive to experience sexual fulfillment. I believe that the male sex drive is given to each of us dudes biologically … but we are constantly bombarded with additional stimulus which augments what it would be otherwise. Since this stimulation is more and more prevalent in our society it would only make sense that men now a days find themselves walking around more and more “aroused”. As our stressful days become more and more full of stuff…mostly stressful stuff, limiting our time to enjoy a partner, relaxation, or even a nap …and we cannot avoid seeing the skin on magazines, TV, advertisements, cheerleaders during a football game, the nice low cut blouse on the young checker at the market, the hot mom at PTA, etc…much less turning to porn. It is, I’m afraid a spiral that continues to escalate. Our lack of morality as humans is nothing new. Our exposure to the constant bombardment of sexually charged images is. Men are visually stimulated. Sorry. We are designed that way by the Creator. But our lack of morals as a society as resulted in an environment that is conducive to an every increasing frustration by women who don’t understand or except that a man is wired a certain way and a normal mans discipline regarding sex is very weak (that’s why the Bible has to address is so clearly). If your man is watching a lot of porn and not paying attention to you he may be addicted. Treat him like he’s addicted. Most addicts are in denial. If this describes your man he is sick. Get help.

If your man occasionally watches porn but pays attention to you anytime and anywhere you want…and let’s you know he would get up off his PC right now if he thought there was a chance of being intimate with you…I kind of feel you are in a different boat completely. The latter guy is in danger of becoming addicted, but obviously, he still finds you to be what he really wants, and he always shows it! This latter guy would describe myself.

I’ve done my best to stop using porn. I treat myself like an addict though it never was an issue in my now 20 year relationship and fifteen year marriage. I believe it is because I really love her and I’m a control freak. Once I realized you could become addicted I decided no way. I tested it by trying to just stop. My own discipline should be enough right? Wrong. Once I realized how strong the desire really was, I knew it had to stop.

No paper woman, or woman projected on a monitor could ever come close to the woman you really love. They are just images. Did I imagine being with them? No. I was aroused by looking AT them. The thought of really being with someone I don’t know and who isn’t my wife is repulsive. I used to use porn almost daily. Now I rarely go there. Maybe twice in a month for about 10 seconds. Seriously. I’m there and then my love of God and guilt tears me away. It has been working for a couple of months now. It is a tough habit. I pray. I try to keep Gods word in my heart. Though my wife doesn’t mind, I feel God minds and that is enough for me to continue to strive to stay and be free of it. This has meant turning away from the tv during certain ads, or when the camera man is panning the cheerleaders, averting my eyes at the check stand and constantly saying “Get thee behind me, Satan”. I’ve realized how the constant arousal of our environment makes it even harder. I believe all addictions are evil. If my wife had been constantly giving me a hard time about it…I don’t know if we’d have made it. I’d like to believe we would have though I’m sure the conflict would have affected our relationship. Early on…when we were first dating especially. Even a good Christian man (though heavily doused in our torrid environment) wants to marring some one with whom they hope to have a satisfying marriage, this would include the sexual life.
In all honesty, if your man doesn’t touch you…he doesn’t desire you…he doesn’t love you. It may be the addiction or as noted by others here…there is probably something more that is amiss.

I pray that those of you hurt by this issue find peace and joy in healthy relationship where your partner loves you more than porn. If you are a man who has a problem…I pray that you find an understanding partner who loves you more than hates your addiction. Who will stand by you and understand that your love has died and if there is fault, it must be shared by you the addict, both of you as a couple and society. Finally, if you are a guy like me who has on occasion used porn, realize it is addictive. If you doubt me, try not to look at it for a week. I dare you. If you can do it and it has no effect on your healthy and happy marriage and or relationship then I pray it will always remain so. Be cautious.

October 22, 2009 at 1:32 pm
(397) Kristallynn says:

I am a woman 26 and my husband is 23, we only been married 2months but his porn addiction is hurting our marriage. He lied by omission. i found out about it by looking at the bank statement. he viewed the websites 5 time in the last month and spent $250 total on porn. His choice has put us unable to pay bills. and I felt hurt and unable to trust him. I have my own inscurities and this made them worse, but then i realized it shouldn’t.

ladies you must realize you man is not doing this because of you, he has his own inscurities. It was his choice and you can ask him not to and give him reasons not to but you cant make anyone do anything. if he wants to do it he will.

Put it this way be grateful he chose to stay home and look at it via internet or dvd. at least then you know he wasn’t out at the stripclub or with a hooker. that would be worse.

also his choice to view porn is not about you, not your fault and not your problem. yes it can hurt your marriage if he is choosing not to tell you about it, or is spending money on it and it hurts your marriage financially that way. and if those two things happen and you find out later yes it can make it difficult for you to trust him. however, if he is up front about it and it bother’s you cuz of your own inscurities then you should look at yourself and find out why. but you can’t try to blame him or porn for your inscurities.

I told my husband how it made me feel, unwanted unloved like he didnt want me anymore…but those were my inscurities not his problem is what i realized. I had help realizing this too.. I sought after counseling to deal with this, thought marriage couseling would help too. I am still married to my husband I love him.

I did let him know that to me i felt i was having to share him and i dont like to share. I asked him how he would feel if he was in my place. and what he thought we could do to remedy the situation.

he said” I would feel the same way you do, i am sorry i hurt you, i didnt mean to. I won’t look at it anymore.” I was shocked just talking to him calmly helped. I did tell him i was here to support him with his addiction and willing to do what ever it took to break the addiction so we could have a better marriage. I gave him these suggestions: counseling, marriage counseling, more sex, and i left it as his choice. i gave him a week to decide, it took him one day.

I told him that if he wanted to still look at porn then we should make our own and for that i was willing to roleplay or dress up how ever he wanted. I explained to him that if when i wasn’t home and he felt the need to watch porn he could just watch our homemade porn instead or buying dvd’s or spending money online. It would be cost effective then, I also explain the i wouldn’t be as inscure about it cuz it would be me he was watching and not someone else. I told him this would be better. both parties win, I can trust him, he gets to watch porn, I feel better and he still gets to watch porn. and our marriage wont suffer and we wont be in debt.

His face lit up he got really excited. also if your man is horney and comes to you wanting to make love, stop what your doing and fullfill his desires. Show up to have lunch with him and have a quickie, or if he has an office job tell him to schedule a lunch meeting with you, bring him lunch and make love on his desk(make sure the office has a door and blindeds that can be closed and locked) or you can book a hotel room and meet eachother there to make love, trust me all these ideas run them past your man as suggestions and he will go for one of them.

now if your man stops to take a break during you love making and goes and watches porn like my ex did, find out why…could be that he has his own performance fears and it made him lose his errection and doesn’t want you to know cuz he doesn’t want you to feel unwanted, so he is trying to remedy it himself quickly cuz that last thing any man wants is to be denied sex. and you should never to that as any form or punishment for anything your man does that is the quickest way to make him go else where to get his groove on, it will just cause you more problems ladies.

However, back to him and his porno break, if you catch him in the act no matter what dont start yelling and getting upset, instead walk over to him and say here let me help you with that….start giving your man a hand job you can then say something like ” is this want you want or would you like to move to the bed ? when you ask this question make sure you are starting to give your man a strip tease, and do that slowly. you can even work it in where you turn off the porn and his focus is on you. if he objects–dont get upset walk over to another part of the room in his eye sight and start getting undressed, he is a guy after all and none of them no matter what there age can resist seeing a woman getting undressed and walking about naked. now if you get undressed be sure to walk abound that house naked to go get a drink right quick then turn on the shower and then go get a towel and then put in the bathroom and the go pick out something either silky or lace to put on after your shower, trust me he will notice. you could even hum a seductive romantic tune while you do this. *note that you could just plan to put on lace boy shorts and nothing else you are boud to peak his curiosity and interest him more then the porno he was watching.

get in the shower save the bubble bath for when your home alone unless you both can fit comfortably in it cuz he just may decide to come join you if he doesnt dont worry he just might wait for you in bed. and if that is the case you should slip on those lace or silk under garmments in his eyesight. and then go kiss him and then sensually kiss down his neck and so on. now it’s nookie time. try new things in bed, mix it up a little. if he has dvd’s and he not home look at them and find out what he is watching. if you can non invasively find out what he wants to try out. BE OPEN MINDED!!!!

try this stuff out. you can’t go wrong. also if your man is inscure about his size for what ever reason, even if you love his size or not talk about it. get him to open up about it, just to do it at the right time!! if you have to go to fastsize.com this device may help. yes it is costly a couple hundred but who cares if improves your relationship then put it in your budget plan and make things work.

I am all about seeing a marriage work and last and we (both men and women) need to realize that we got married for a reason and sometimes we need to take time to have couple time and reconnect and communicate better so we can make our marriage work.

Key things to remember: compromise, communication, stay open minded and try not to yell or argue. your marriage may last longer.

also: if you are having a heated arguement try this– stop yelling take 3 deep breathes and go slowly in and out. then reasses the situation. women if he continues after you personal do this exercise then start slowly getting undressed he will forget what he was saying and from there go make love and then afterwards calmly and rationally communicate with one another. and i dont mean right after you just made love, give it an hour. sometimes you might not remember why you were fighting in the first place but you can create a better bond with you man.

blessed be

October 23, 2009 at 2:18 pm
(398) Starchild says:

396 is making a lot of sense. Most men, I believe fall in love and want to stay that way. We are imperfect creatures though…all of us. Love makes us a perfect as we can hope to be. Gods love is perfect. If your man loves you…he will want to get better. His love for you will drive his desire to save his marriage and or relationship. If his addiction as separated him from his love for you…he is sick. His recovery depends on the healing love of those around him. It depends on his ability and deep desire to find the love he’s lost. If God is part of your lives…his chances are vastly improved. Don’t get angry at him because he’s imperfect…most of us guys, realize how imperfect we are and it hurts to be less of a “man” than we’d like to be (we’d all like to be that perfect husband and lover). When we are unable to fulfill our own expectations, it is difficult to believe you can fulfill someone else’s. Guys get their feeling hurt too. We just suck at talking about it. Because of that we brood. The easy way out is to take all that biological/emotional energy and defuse it with porn and masturbation. Then you get some temporary relief from the frustration (not all of it sexual). But it is short lived and never addresses the real issue…not feeling loved, desired. Some of this is self-esteem issues for men. We want and need to feel that we are desired and can only readily display affection afterwards. (It has always struck me as ironic that women need to feel loved before they can make love, where as most men (me too) feel emotional and loved only during and after love making. When I’m making love to my wife and afterwards is when I feel truly loved, accepted as only a lover can accept her man). After a couple of turn downs (even completely legitimate turn downs due to fatigue, illness etc…) some men are emotionally bruised and because we suck at showing emotions and discussing them…we find a quick and easy solution in our manly tool box. It just duct tape though and sooner or later it’s going to give way to a larger problem.
If you have the desire to save your relationship; pray and use the power of your love, his love and HIS love to rescue it.

November 5, 2009 at 10:41 am
(399) edm says:

I’m a 30 year old man, married 5 years with two children. Friday, October 4th was the day my wife called me on my cell and asked for my credit card number. I knew why she wanted it, and panicked. When I got home, I lied again and said it “was only one time” even though I have been looking at porn for years. I was lying to everyone. myself, my wife, anyone with an opinion on it. I knew going into our marriage that this would hurt her deeply but I couldn’t stop myself. even when I was just checking my mail with her upstairs, I would have a quick look. It was never a replacement for her. There was nothing that I wasn’t happy with in our marriage, she would never turn me down, but I still looked at it. I didn’t masturbate to it, I just stared at it. After looking at it, I felt bad, knowing that it was wrong but I kept going back. I even stopped for 2? years when we bought our house but didn’t have internet, but as soon as we got the computer I started looking at it again, paying for it. I spent over $1000 over the last few years. I hate myself for having hurt her so badly. She is the most important thing in my life. I think about how much I have hurt her all the time, the worst part is that she trusted me completely and I lied and hid it from her for the whole time we’ve known each other, 9 years. All I want to do is tell her that I love her and regain her trust, but I don’t think that I can. She says she doesn’t love me anymore and that things will never be the same. our pastor is trying to help and we are seeing a counselor but she doesn’t want to anymore. Half the problem is that I didn’t stop on my own and confess my sin, but I was caught. If she hadn’t caught me I would still be looking at porn. I hate what I have done and will do anything that I can but I feel like I’m stuck now. I’m lucky that I’m not sleeping in my truck, but I think that’s more for the sake of our kids. We don’t want them to see that there’s something wrong. I don’t want to live in an empty loveless marriage just to give the kids a sense of normalcy but I don’t know what I can do. All I can say to anyone else about this is to stop before it’s too late.

November 6, 2009 at 1:16 pm
(400) Kelly says:

Hello everyone. I just came accross this site and am glad I did. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 2, and have a 1 year old daughter. I have never had a resaon to distrust him and he is an amazing and hard working guy. However, when I was about 7 months pregnant we stopped hacing sex because he was scared he’s “hurt the baby.” I guess a lot of guys think that. Well, after I had he we did’t have sex for about 7 weeks while I healed. While we weren’t having sex he acted normal and never made comments about being “deprived” or anything like that. I went back to work when my daughter was 6 weeks old, so sex was very low on my list of priorities. I was exhausted from getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night and working Mon-Fri (8-5pm). But, my husband seemed to understand.

One day while we were laying in bed I grabbed his laptop and was searching the internet for things. He has already fallen asleep. I went to type in a website and it automatically filled it in with some sex site. I was like, “huh, that’s weird.” Well I went into the laptop’s history to view what he had been looking at over the last few weeks. In the 7 years prior I had NEVER snooped on him before. His laptop was loaded with some of the most disgusting websites and photos I could ever imagine. It completely took me by surprise. Nobody else has access to the computer either. I was VERY bothered with the websites with “teens” on them. My daughter was 3 months old at the time. I wasn’t sure how to handle this and I didn’t want to ignore it, so I waited until the next day (when I had calmed down a little) and showed him what I found. He denied everything, said the computer must have a virus on it, and swore he did not look at that stuff and had no clue how it got on there. He then tried to blame it on the laptops previous owner (a 50+ year old women, I’m not that stupid!!). I talked to my co-worker about it the next day (I’m way to embassed to talk to family about it) and she suggested offering to go to the sex store together and buying movies together or magazine and what not. I asked if he’d like to go with me and he started denying everything again and didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Porn is not really my thing, so I thought that was big of me to offer buying dvds and stuff together.

I just felt so dirty and disgusting knowing that he was probaly looking at that stuff while I was laying next to him in bed sleeping. I felt so disrespected. Plus, our daughter’s crib was next to our bed. That really irked me.
After we fought about it I didn’t notice it on his computer anymore. But, I also think he had a friend come over and show him how to delete his “history.”

Well it’s been about a year now and for the last 10 months we were unable to get internet at our house. We finally were able to get it working again last weekend. So our lap tops are back in action again (at home at least). A few days ago I went with a friend to dinner and a movie after work. My husband watched our daughter so I could enjoy myself. When I got back home he really wanted to go upstairs to have sex. It was almost 10pm and I was tired and had work the next morning and just wanted to go to sleep. He got irritated, made a few comments, and fell alseep too. Last night I was using his laptop and was like “Hmmmm…” I pulled up the history bar to take a peak and what do you know, PORN!! The only day the porn showed in his history was the day I was out with my friend. I felt so gross thinking back to the day before and how “excited” he was that I was home. Does he just want to re-create what he just saw or does he just sincerely want sex?!? I was so MAD that he was supposed to be watching our daughter and that was all over his laptop. It’s absolutely disgusting. I’m just hoping she was out of the room and asleep. I didn’t say anything last night. I just feel so hurt. I use to have a great body, but since having a child, I don’t look anything like I used to. And I can’t help but wonder if he’s looking at these “perfect body” women for a reason!?!

I’m going to be with my family Saturday night and he isn’t coming along. My daughter will be with me and I’m just curios what he’s going to look at when he’s got the house to himself. I am not going to say anything to him unless I see a lot of stuff on his computer again when I’m not there. I’m very non-confrontational and I know when this gets brought up again we are going to have a “blow-out” I don’t want Porn to affect our marraige. Besides, we have sex atleast 4 times a week. It’s not like he’s sex deprived and I hate when he acts like we only “do it” once a month!! I’m a working mom!! I’m freaking tired!!

November 14, 2009 at 3:39 pm
(401) Starchild says:

EDM, I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. There is shared fault here however. It is difficult for me to believe that a “Christian Wife” who loves her husband, could not forgive you and at least try to work through the issue. You are the same person she loved and married, but you kept a secret. Secrets are never good for a marriage or relationship. I still believe prayer is the answer for you. Trust God to lead you right where he wants you to be. Your wife has been hurt deeply, but if she actually reads and understands Christs teaching regarding forgiveness and marriage; as well as understanding the nature of humans as error filled creatures, how could she ever have expected perfection? I will pray for the both of you and your family. We love each other despite our imperfections. The fact that love exists between us is proof of Gods presence and love. If it is His will for your life to learn these lessons in this way…pray for understanding and to be returned to his path. Have faith.

November 15, 2009 at 12:50 pm
(402) Cindy M says:

My husband says that it is no big deal. THen why do I feel so devastated? If it hurts the wife’s feelings of happiness then it is wrong. I am normally a person with few insecurities but now am reduced facing the end of my marriage. Why can’t men understand the pain it can cause their partner?

November 16, 2009 at 7:05 am
(403) Jiv says:

Dear people,
I find it very ironic that the internet can both be a haven and such a source for pain. I am very happy to have found this topic. As so many people I can have a low self-esteem, and I find it difficult to place myself in someone else’s position. That said, I like to believe as well that I am a very tolerant and understanding person (as much as that may seem a contradiction!)
My situation is like this: Living together with the most caring, understanding and gentle man in the world. He is my true love, without a doubt. I went through a tough time before I met him and was pretty insecure about us. I realised that was my insecurities and ha nothing to do with him. When I found out he is watching porn, I freaked out and was tempted to end the relationship. Just because I -naive maybe- never seriously thought that people could be interested in that, and I disapproved of it. ‘There must be something wrong with him’.
After that I got really paranoid and started snooping around to find evidence of this ‘sin’. Everything was about this, and I forgot to see the good things we had together. I kept telling myself that this is the way he is and that if I want to live with him, I have to live with this too. No person can change someone else to their liking.
I tried to distance myself from my idea that it is wrong, and believe that I cannot be God deciding what is good and what is bad. (This forum has helped a lot with it!)
And yes, I can say that agree with a lot of women here. Regardless if he/she has a problem watching porn, that is essentially not what causes the pain. Something can only hurt you if you let it. I don’t want to repeat what all the others have said about ‘as long as it does not affect your relationship’ etc. But it is true. Me and my boyfriend have a very very close relationship. We talk about everything (even though he knows I know he watches porn, we don’t talk about it) and apart from this topic, I know everything about him. Understandably, he feels threatened and vulnerable, so yes, he lies if he feels cornered. I think that is more so a male thing, and we women do not really get this.
So, yes, in short, I am okay with him watching porn. It does not affect me, does not affect our relationship and it makes him happy. I do not want to take anything from him if it makes him happy. However, there IS pain, and that is the dishonesty about it. But I am not angry over that.
Sometimes I feel that I have to go through this to become a stronger person. I have always felt bad about myself, very insecure, and paradoxically, this makes me feel better, knowing that I sometimes have to let things go. Yes, I cry, but do I cry for the pain he causes me, or because I cannot handle everyday life? It sounds dramatic, but at the same time that is what it is. You cannot expect people to live and think the way you do. It does not make the world a better place nor does it make the others happier people. As long as people are sincere and genuine.
I am convinced of this, but at the same time, I cannot stop from asking questions to soothe my mind and get confirmation that everything is ‘ok’. He is the one that makes me happy, and therefore, he is also the person that can hurt me most.
I would like to sympathize with all women and men out there who are going through a tough period, because I know what it feels to be torn apart. What is left of your life when your most secure foundation -your relationship- is the reason you cannot be sure anymore? It feels like someone is tearing your heart out.
Therefore, I do not want to judge anyone out there. Whether people understand their partner or not. But I do want to say this: you are always responsible for yourself. If something hurts, do not suffer it, but act. That does not mean telling your partner off (it generally does not work anyway), but do not allow this pain. Facts do not hurt, it is the emotion.

I know I probably made a very poor attempt at bringing my thoughts across, but I wanted to share it anyway. Take care

November 19, 2009 at 2:38 am
(404) edm says:

Starchild,
I thank you for your prayers. I truly love my wife, but I don’t think that I can forgive myself for all those years of lies. I know3 that GOD has forgiven me, but I don’t know if my wife ever can because I have hurt her so deeply. She thinks that she can never be good enough, and I don’t think that I can say or do anything to change this. I never wanted anyone else, it was a sick, awful habit that I had. I believe that it is done with. It disgusts me. I just wish that I had closely followed the word of God from an earlier age, instead of turning to him in a time of personal crisis. I pray all the time for her, I don’t know what else I can do.

November 19, 2009 at 8:22 am
(405) garbage says:

I have read almost all of these posts. As a woman
that has been hurt by the porn in my home. I feel
cheated. I feel that my home is not my haven, not
my one place of peace in this world now that it has
basically been invaded by this. I don’t feel like
that one special woman to him anymore.

Are we seriously saying that we should aspire to be
like these women in these videos?? Are you kidding
me. Are we to teach our daughters to be this way?
Is this how you would like to imagine sex for your
child in the future. GET REAL!!

Can you look across the table at your now 10-11-12
year old girl and even think of teaching her to act like these girls do? These girls/women are someones
daughter. Some of the things these women endure
I wouldn’t want my dog to endure, much less think
that my daughter would ever have to endure such
Crap.

But you guys you just keep it up. You know what
comes around goes around. Because of your porn on
the family computer that your kid uses and runs
across may make them curious. One day you may
be cruising your porn sites and be d*mned there
is your daughter in some demeaning video! Is that gonna excite your sick self? Be sure you email
that link to your buddies!

Maybe you think that this only affects you…you
are wrong. If it is a concern in your marriage.
It takes it’s toll on your family much
like you bring home work…you bring to your marriage the baggage from this garbage. If it
affects your marriage it affects your children,
your social life, it does affect more than yourself
and you are being selfish. This affects families just like a bad day at the office, or a financial problem. If you think it doesn’t then you are kidding yourself.

I see nothing wrong with a couple exploring and
having fun with each other. It’s a private thing
and keeps your bond strong. Each person should
be comfortable with what happens in your bedroom
or on the counter.

It is great and all to try and keep your husband
happy with your home made videos etc., but I tell
you what – if you have issues with trust – why
would you allow him to hold that in his arsenal.
Who KNOWS what he might do with that video or pics
if you were to split up or just because he felt like it (because that is why he is looking at the
porn–because he felt like it–your feelings be
d*mned. Why would he care how you felt about what he did with that video?). Is that really the part
of you the rest of the world should see online?
Don’t think it wouldn’t make it on there and once
there it is there forever! Then you have become
one of those women
. To the ones giving this advice to people with trust issues…what are you thinking? These guys are lying and being untrust-
worthy all ready.

Something to think about.
You are an adult…You can do what you want to
do, but…..
Just because you CAN DOES NOT mean that you SHOULD!

This is a question of morality. Something that
is truly lacking in our society.

November 19, 2009 at 8:18 pm
(406) I need Advice.... says:

I need adviceÖÖÖ I have been married for 6 years now, Me and my husband have a 3 year old girl together and now Iím almost 7 months pregnant with our baby boyÖ.. I am really happy but at the same time mad I think heís watching porn behind my back I havenít caught him yet but I know heís a big porn fan, It didnít bother me before but now something has changed itís been almost 3 and a half weeks and counting, and I see he has no interest in sex what so ever he blames it that heís not in the mood, I feel that maybe its me I feel fat and really canít have sex so often because of problems with my lower back due to the pregnancy, he usually stares at my tummy when Iím naked and I ask him ď is there something wrongĒ and he says ďnoĒ. but my instinct tells me other wise, Now I constantly pick fights for no reasons because Iím depressed and scared that he doesnít want me sexually. I donít know what to do. Someone out there give me adviceÖÖÖ

November 19, 2009 at 11:33 pm
(407) Starchild says:

EDM, you should work on forgiving yourself. Include yourself in your prayers. Asked to be filled with the Holy Spirit of God. Keep his word close to your heart. A pocket sized new testament is what I carry. Read it. It is a daily struggle for me. I falter sometimes. Not much. But I strive for perfection (knowing humans cannot ever achieve it). Gods advice is to forgive endlessly those you offend you. This would include yourself. I’ve heard it said, and I am coming to believe, that Gods breaks us over and over until we can be clean enough to be of use to him. If that is what we want. I believe that if your wife really loves you and you her – God will heal it. Don’t give up hope. Give it to God and keep communications open with her if she is willing. Remember that sometimes God actually “hardens” the hearts of individuals. Sometimes they harden their own hearts. The present matters in that you’ve committed to change. Be prepared to work at it daily.
I know people whose wives are victims of gambling issues or credit card issues. Trust is damaged in many ways. People were not designed to be perfect and I believe real love leaves room for that. Forgiveness makes it possible. I’m really not sure what relationship can endure with out the forgiveness of human fault and error. Forgive yourself and don’t give up if you really love her. Give it to God. He knows better that we. You stand at the crossroads…

405 – Have you told your husband what you wrote? About how it makes you feel? I would hope he would be honest… as a father of 4…I can honestly say that lovemaking became pretty much non-existent until my wife’s OBGYN told me that there was absolutely no way I could hurt her or the baby. It was still difficult for me at times. Was he the same way with your first child? Some men are just turned off by the female body when the baby is really presenting. Remember through no fault of our own we are designed for visual stimulation. It’s different for each guy.
On the other hand. He simply may have let his occasional use of porn get out of hand. It happens quite easily to men (visual creatures). Sometimes in phases when their partner is unavailable or there are other issues preventing them for feeling their normal desire for their partner (illness, injury, pregnancy, etc…). You have to be honest with him and let him know that It’s making you feel unwanted. Let him know that is why all the fighting is going on. I pray that he will be honest with you. Don’t forget that there is a possibility he’s telling the truth. Mood is important to men. How is his health? Hopefully it is a reaction to something that he can over come. I believe my wife needing cuddling and loving more when she was really showing just because being pregnant made her feel “ugly”. If he knows this and really cares about you, I would thing he’d react in a positive fashion.

December 3, 2009 at 9:40 pm
(408) give it to me right says:

in response to the men who feel their wives treat sex as a chore: do you want better? I’ll let you in on a secret that the porn sites won’t teach you. We can’t have that fabulous orgasm without love or without you sharing in our emotions. Flirt with your wife during the day, show her you love her like you used to a long, long time ago. Honestly, if we crawl into bed after a long day and you want to scratch that itch so you can fall asleep we are just a “hole”. We’re not going to connect emotionally and we’re not going to have fun. Ask about our day at least and show you care, followed by little foreplay. Doesn’t hurt to try. Also, maybe try a hard run outside, it’s sexy HOT and you’ll get a fabulous endorphin rush very much like you’ll get on your favorite “sites”

December 4, 2009 at 11:24 pm
(409) John P. says:

Cudos to #396, Kristallynn. Unfortunately the women who can follow your advice would typically come to it themselves. For the rest it would “make them feel like whores” – and I’m not talking about jumping into 6-way orgy, for some people it’s just having sex in doggy with the lights on. They would tell you that quickies are degrading to them. Behind that is a subliminal message that sex is something her man has to fight for – like as #407 said, flirting with her during the day and showing her his love like long time ago (presumably by buying expensive jewelry or whatever) for a week. Of course she gets pissed off if instead of following her protocol and getting back boring sex once a month a man just pops up a website, and chokes the chicken instead. This is what they typically mean when they claim that their self-esteem dropped. If her man used to constantly beg her for sex which she permitted sometimes, now he doesn’t really care anymore if she denies sex, and after several denials he understands that it’s much easier to get a Fleshlight and do-it-yourself. No begging, no buying expensive stuff, no foreplay – puts the man back in control. And the wife, who just lost this control, calls it “loss of self-esteem”. And this is something she will never recover back, as she will never be in control again no matter how many promises she squeezes out of her man. A lot of women cannot agree with this situation, and got divorced – to go through the same sequence in another relationship. Some, however, accepted it and continue living happily.

A few things just for you:

- Spending $250 a month on porn sites is outrageous. Me and my wife often watch porn, and have never spent a single penny on it. There is plenty of free amateur porn web sites where people like you upload their own sexual encounters. I suggest you check those. First, there you see real people like you – some are skinny, some are overweight, some have acne or scars, some are in their twenties and some are in their sixties – they are real people, not plastic dolls, and it indeed makes it different. Second, they film their own encounters, not just following some third-party scripts, and you can actually learn from them. You might find out that those things you though nobody would ever do are in fact quite popular, and it’s easier to ask your husband to try something you want if he sees other people doing it too. And third, they are free.

- You might want to consider visiting a swinger party. This is the place where different couples gather together and have sex. Despite the common myth, you are not required to have sex with anyone there (including your husband) – you can just stay and watch others). The party vibe is typically no-pressure, nobody will force you to do anything, and nobody will ever touch you without asking your permission first; those rules are strictly enforced because the community survival depends on them. If your husband likes to watch porn, it might be even more tempting to him to watch and hear real people around him, while he is making love to you. It really spiced up our relationship, and since you’re obviously a smart woman with higher than average intelligence, it might spice up yours as well. This community is very friendly toward newcomers, so don’t worry to ask questions you consider silly. Trust me, they answer those questions several times a day, and they like it.

If you decide to go, I strongly suggest choosing a party which is couples only and does not allow single men, and which is located at home, not in hotel. Both conditions will make you first visit much easier and more pleasant. Once you go through it, then discuss it with your husband afterwards (prepare to have sex several times a day for the whole next week though), you might go to hotel parties or those which allow single men. It does not work for everyone – we, for example, do not like the parties which allow single men – but each party has unique vibe, and until you try, you’d never know.

December 9, 2009 at 3:16 pm
(410) Michelle says:

My husband of 32 years in Oct 08 (our 22 year old son had committed sucide 8 months earlier) till Jan 09 found a women online who was having sex online and also on phone. I found out and so did her husband. My husband said he wasn’t going to stop but the women didn’t want to lose her doctor husband, but her husband put a stop to it immediately. She had nothing else to do with my husband. I forgave him and he said he wouldn’t do it again.
Now I have noticed he has been downloading alot of porn pictures and on his 55th birthday (a month ago he started downloading all kinds of porn videos and tries to watch them when I am working on my computer close by. He even took some porn pictures to work to look at on his computer at work (he owns his own business)I think this is so wrong. We still have sex once or twice a week, but I think it’s after he has looked at his porn. I am having a hard time trusting him, I have been staying up till he goes to bed, and watching him when he’s on the computer, also I check his computer history.
Him watching porn has me so stressed. I want him to stop watching porn and I pray that he never goes on line and finds another women.
I just don’t know what to do. We have been married 32 years and have 4 adult children, our son died in 08 and he has changed so much since then. I don’t want to lose my husband I love him alot.
I want to say something to him about the porn but I really don’t want a big fight and that will be what happens. He will say I have been snooping how else would I know.
I really want him to stop with all the porn and videos.
I’m so stressed about him watching porn that I hate when he gets on the computer till he gets off the computer.

December 14, 2009 at 4:41 am
(411) Lucy says:

One FACT remains. Girls and women are abused and raped to make pornography. Pornography is the product of photographing and filming these crimes. Law enforcement will NOT help girls and women trapped in prostitution or held in brothels. Think how that would feel for a moment. They are often runaways, kidnapped, or tricked and held captive, girls sold by starving families, beaten, drugged, left with nowhere to go, no one to turn to. It is an invention of the ‘porn industry’ (such a nice name for a violent syndicate) that the females in photos and on screen are glamorous ‘Porn Stars’ who have chosen this ‘career’. They groom a few to pose this persona and build the lie, while the vast majority live a daily life of horror. People like to believe this lie of the ‘Sex Star’ for the simple reason that it eases the natural guilt of using another human being as a sexual release outlet without having to consider WHO they are and what’s actually being done to them. Nobody needs pornography, or as I refer to it, evidence of a crime, to enjoy sex. It is a product of a violent, male supremacist culture that preys on young women and girls in the cruelest of ways, and makes it possible by dehumanizing females as things and desensitizing boys to their reality, pain and plight.

If you choose to close your eyes and ears to these facts, that’s your business, but don’t lie about what the reality is.

December 14, 2009 at 4:30 pm
(412) Shilpa says:

I have done quite a bit of research on human sexuality and i must admit that we live in a sexually depraved world where new avenues pop up for its expression. Men initially start with porn and are dissatisfied with it because they want to practice it in real life now, so they move onto prostitution or so called massage spas where women offer themselves for sexual pleasure for a cheap sum. Still recently, i was told there are gigolos coming up, for when are paid for sex with women. It is a spiral degradation and will always end in tragedy and disintegration of family.
Out of research i can vouch for the fact, homes esp parents, fathers in particular if they are a sex/porn addict, their children will inevitably be promiscuous.

December 30, 2009 at 11:26 pm
(413) nancy says:

I want to tell why I think men have fantasies of how women should look. I know someone that had her six years old birthday party at Hooters. SIX YEARS OLD?? The mother was telling about how her son’s eyes were popping out . This is a prime example of this boys subjection to women and the”perfect body”. What business does a six year old have looking at big breasted women who are are busting out of those tight outfits. I know Hooters is a reputable restaraunt, but please don’t subject innocent boys to this atmosphere where you are treated good(serving as waitressess) along with a good looking body. This type of behavour is what leads little boys down the path of looking at thier daddy’s dirty magazines and then growing up into a perverted old man

January 1, 2010 at 11:16 pm
(414) john says:

First of all, I am so grateful that despite the many and varied passionate posts here, there have been *few* people that have “screamed” at others. Given the low-brow quality of public discourse in our country in the past months, it’s really nice to see people disagree respectfully with one another.

I am 50, married to a beautiful woman, and I continue to struggle with porn, as I have since the age of 15. I can’t count the times I’ve thrown the magazines away, or deleted the browser history, and said “Never again!” to myself, just to come back to it. I’ve thought about this issue so much, and anguished so much. It’s nearly ruined my marriage, and my wife is very hurt. After much reflection, here’s what I know:

1) Men are hardwired to be visually stimulated, and porn is as old as recorded history. It doesn’t matter whether you think that’s “moral” or not…it just is.
2) Women (generally) are repulsed by porn, yet are (again, generally) uninterested in providing visual stimulus. My own wife has told me many times that she doesn’t want foreplay, she just wants me in her, and wants to get off. I have had to almost beg her to touch me in the past. Not a turn-on.
3) Being made to feel guilty, or being “preached at” does not help. We feel plenty guilty without all that, and are VERY conflicted over this compulsion.

The truth is that every guy wants a whore in the bedroom, and an angel outside. I would *love* for my wife to act like she loves my body, to give as much as I do, to be active in bed, to talk dirty, to buy and wear lingerie, etc. I would do anything to make a woman happy that would give so fully. But many women haven’t enough self-esteem to act or roleplay so. They don’t want to “feel” like a whore, so they choose passivity. And that kind of nonchalant disengagement is the very thing that can make thoughts (and images) of other women so tempting.

Ladies, if you want to keep your man happy, give him *no* reason to look elsewhere. Review the above paragraph as needed. :-)

On the positive side, I *am* getting a hand-le (pun intended) on the porn. Guys…when you’re tempted to go to a porn site TRY SINGING A GOSPEL HYMN! It doesn’t matter whether you’re a Christian, Muslim, Jew, or absolute non-believer. I’m tellin’ ya, it is impossible to be sexually aroused while singing “The Old Rugged Cross” or “Amazing Grace”. You’ll either start laughing, or you’ll just forget about it, period. Sing until you’ve Googled something else. It works!

Best wishes to you all.

January 4, 2010 at 9:30 pm
(415) need help! says:

i need help….. I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant and I’m 23 years old. My life has changed all until now, my husband is 27 and he’s the type of guy that always wants sex from me I really never minded until this day of my pregnancy my hormones went from sky high to ocean deep, i don’t want to be touched,kissed or nothing to do with sex, I feel very concious about the way my body has taken a toll on me I don’t feel attractive or wanted…. Problem is I haven’t had sex with my husband in 3 weeks yesturday i caught him watching porn… it hurt me so bad to a degree that i can’t even stare him in the eyes….I cried all night thinking its me and now i feel worse than before I don’t know someone help give me advice or anything….maybe is my age why i don’t understand things but i need advice

January 5, 2010 at 9:29 am
(416) Rich says:

I’ve read through almost all of the comments on this site, and I have to say that some of them are just really sad. For the men out there who’ve made comments to the effect that their wives have to wear a thong everyday to keep them interested, you need to grow up. Seriously. I feel sorry for you.

Quit blaming women for your own problem. Guess what? Men lived without thongs on their women and all this other modern sex gear for thousands of years. In fact, their women wore corsets and petticoats and what have you. And they stayed married. And they had tons of kids (evidence of their activity in bed). And they didn’t need pills to get an erection. They kind of put us guys to shame!

The problem is our sex-saturated culture, of which porn is just a part. There’s also scores of dirty magazines, strip joints ironically called “gentlemen’s clubs,” even NFL cheerleaders dressed like glorified whores. Where does it end? How bad has it gotten when some of us men have trouble being with our own wives because of all this smut? And that’s exactly what it is. There was a time when people who looked at this stuff were considered perverts. Now its all mainstream. Pathetic.

You say you can’t help it and that God just made you that way? PUH-lease. Only a weak-minded man would say that. I’ve been married almost 15 years, and I can honestly say that the thought of watching porn is ridiculous to me. Sure, I watched it as a teenager. I’m not going to lie. But I grew up. If you’re married and refuse to stop watching porn, even though you know it is hurting your partner, then you are the one with the problem. It’s as simple as that. Don’t blame your wife or your “wiring” or stress or anything else. Get help. For those of you who have realized this and are seeking help, good for you!

For the women out there who are troubled by their men watching porn, you have every right to be. Of course porn hurts a marriage! And women shouldn’t have to live with it. And for the women out there who defend it, shame on you. IMO, putting up with porn is no different than putting up with drug use, abuse, etc. Yes, some women do it, but that doesn’t make it right.

Keep up the good fight, ladies! Not all men watch/need/enjoy porn, because we watch/need/enjoy our WIVES!!!

January 5, 2010 at 7:48 pm
(417) hurtwife says:

I think that last comment by Rich was the first time I heard a man take a stand against Porn. I wish I could believe there were real men out there that really loved their wifes more than the porn sites. Its such a joke that these men who claim its easier with a sex toy and porn site than trying to get thier wife interested. Then there are the comments that they just wish thier wife would touch them and be more playful. Well coming from a woman who’s husband chooses porn over me in general, its crap. I have always dressed nice, always have make-up and hair done. I almost never drag around the house looking a mess. I have a sucessful business, where I must say I get male attention. NONE of this is of any help in having my husband to myself. Every time I turn my back or go to bed earlier than him, he is online viewing or compiling a “stash”. It wouldn’t matter if I had a stripper pole installed in my bedroom and performed nightly,,,,,he’d still go to his favorites-online. I have come to the conclusion it will never change. Believe me touching him and trying to make him “feel good” is at the bottom of my list after all the hurt and betrayal. I continue in this marriage miserable and sad but I feel completely stuck and I figure anyone else I meet would have the same secret….if not maybe worse. Congrats Rick, you may be one of the few committed husbands left in this depraved world.

January 5, 2010 at 10:52 pm
(418) peace says:

a mqn that watches porn is a sinner, he has the tendency of addicted to other vices-silly acts.
most likely, smokes-drug, womanises,abuses and maybe a drunk .such a man ll always take his wife for granted and would hardly be a loving husband. he ll hardly survive in life especially in marriage.porn addicts are disorganised people, they cant coordinate nor manage situation. wife to a porn addict to HELL

January 6, 2010 at 11:54 am
(419) WTF says:

(Peace) WTF are u saying think before you speak,my man watches porn and he is not a drunk he does not abuse me, he does not womanises and he does not do drugs. Maybe the losers you dated did that but please speak for yourself. only defect my man has he likes porn like any other guy. his a perfect father,loving husband and succesful person in this world so please shut up and speak for yourself you ignorant person..

January 6, 2010 at 6:30 pm
(420) jules says:

hi can anyone help my husband keeps looking at porn he says he looks at it when he is stressed out even though he says he doesnt mastubate so why is he doing it i am very attractive and always want to have fun i have told him it upsets me when he hides it sugest we watched it together as acouple but he prefers to hide it he says he has a problem with it im confused whats going on as he breaks his promises of not keep lookingat the same women over and over im upset can anyone help please

January 8, 2010 at 8:44 pm
(421) PornSuxs says:

jules, men are ALL A-Holes! They are all PIGS.. And they are all always looking for something to hump!….Even the “so calles Men” that say they don’t c porn anymore are full of crap!!! Because god created pigs as well as they created men and they are both alike both are nasty animals….. even if they were married to americas next top models they would still watch porn and cheat because that’s they nasty pigs that they are. OINK OINK!

January 9, 2010 at 9:41 am
(422) Melissa says:

PornSuxs,

I totally get your anger. But I think the women who participate in porn are just as bad. I’m not talking about women who are forced into this kind of thing, but women who willingly sell themselves out and all other women for the almighty dollar and any sick satisfaction they get from it. If it weren’t for them, porn would no longer be an issue for us. It’s such a shame.

We need to raise our young girls to be strong women, and emphasize their minds and spirits over their physicality. I’m trying to do that with my daughter. It’s hard in this appearance- and sex-obssessed society, but that’s the best we can do. Even more importantly, parents of boys need to teach them respect for women. I think there are still some good men left out there. You just have to look a little harder to find them.

Melissa

January 9, 2010 at 2:16 pm
(423) feeling betrayed says:

When I first moved in with my husband eight and a half years ago I found porn he had hidden. I confronted him about it and we talked; I told him I do not like porn that I believe it is a form of adultery. He told me he would get rid of it and never views porn again. I married him and had a son with him who is now five years old.

Last year around this time we went to a family dinner and my sister-in-lawís daughter-in-law purposely tried to arouse my husband by bending over in front of him to tuck her pants in her boots and then put her lipstick on in front of him in a seductive way. I woke up during the night and caught my husband masturbating to porn on the computer. I was crushed, hurt, and very angry with him. The next day while he was sleeping (he worked the night shift) I investigated his computer. I found two odd entries in his favorites and clicked on them to find two porn sites. One of the sites was to meet other members looking for sex in our geographic location. I was really blazing mad and woke him up; we argued. I told him I had to get away that I couldn’t look at him and I wanted to go somewhere to think about the possibility of divorce. So he arranged for me, our son, my daughter, and grand-daughter to go to Florida for a week. That was the first time I didn’t care to be reckless with spending our money. We worked things out and I believed him when he said he wouldn’t view porn again.

I was a fool by believing him. Last week, a year later, I was pulling up a computer game for our son on my husbandís computer and a porn site popped up automatically; it was all I could do to get my son out of the room without drawing his attention to what had popped up on the computer screen. It was also hard to hide my anger. I found out later from my husband that he had been viewing porn all along and he admitted that the family member I mentioned above that tried to arouse him was the reason I caught him masturbating to porn a year earlier; she succeeded just like I thought. He has been apologizing left and right, but I really don’t like him right now. He wasn’t honest with me in the beginning; I didn’t get the choice on whether to continue this relationship with him being into porn or to drop it and move on instead of getting married and having a child together. I am also very angry and disappointed that he was so careless that this crap popped up in front of our five year old son. I tried to be understanding, but it isnít working. I watch porn the other night while he was at work to see if there was anything great about it, but I could only thing negative things about it; it didnít work. I talked with my counselor about it and my values and beliefs and he just challenge me to think about watching it with my husband. I think my counselor was wrong in challenging me after he was told my religious beliefs; he is a man and probably biased. I am in my second year working on my masterís degree in Mental Health Counseling and I think he went against what I am being taught about respecting your clientís values, beliefs, etcÖ

I donít want a divorce because I donít want my son to grow up the way my daughter did. She was torn by me and her fatherís divorce. Iím willing to stay until my son is grown and on his own and then leave if my husband canít fight this addiction. There are other things I like about him, but this one is hard for me to swallow. I asked him if this gave me the right to cheat since he cheats on me every time he watches porn. Of course, he said no! I took our marriage vows serious and I thought he did too, but I was fooled. When a snake bites you twice donít you look for ways to handle that snake so you donít get bitten again? This is how I feel about my marriage; I donít want to be betrayed again, but I donít want to tear our son apart either. He want stop watching porn even though he swears he will; he needs help. I now wonder if he has cheated physically on me, he says no but I donít know if I can trust him anymore. He broke a very secret part of our marriage and the damage is done. It will take a long time for me to ever trust him again if ever. I might just have to fake my part in the marriage until my son is an adult. His psychological well being is very important to me. Who knows maybe my husband and I can resolve this very big issue before my son becomes an adult?

January 9, 2010 at 8:12 pm
(424) damaged goods says:

You wanna know what I think.. I think guys who watch or look at porn behind their wives back are jerks and should all die and go to Hell.. How would they like it if they saw their wives on screen giving every tom dick and harry a blow job.. they wouldn’t.. plus all those porn chicks i hope you alll die and get aids or some uncureable vanaril disease.. alll you and you all guys who masterbate to it I hope you … falls off…

January 11, 2010 at 3:39 pm
(425) Just don't get it says:

To all the women commenting on this site:

I like women a lot. I think you are the most fascinating and wonderful creations God ever made. Your ability to sooth a child’s pain with a gentle touch. Your ability to make my heart leap with one coquettish smirk. Your selfless service of your families and devotion to your loved ones. I am grateful for all the women in my life. my mom is a constant rock of virtue and goodness and I love her very much. My sisters have always looked for ways to make me feel good about myself by finding things to compliment and I am so grateful to them for that. I had a lot of female friends growing up and really cared about all of them. In high school and college I used to love sitting after class and just listen to you tell me your cool views on life. It was awesome when I could listen to one of your issues and on occasion help you through it. Making you happy is an incredible feeling. I’m married now and I consider that a real privilege. The world would be a really lousy and empty place without your sweet spirits. it makes me feel so bad when I read all your accounts of pain and suffering because your husbands look at pornography. While I realize I will never fully understand your point of view, please know that I want to. You feel hurt because you see your husband doing that and it is like he is, for all intents and purposes, cheating on you in his mind. he is looking at another woman when he should be 100% focused on you. I could not agree more. You deserve that. You after all are completely devoted to him and you don’t think about other guys that way. It is absolutely NOT okay for him to lust after other women. It isn’t just about that either. Many times the women who pose for pictures or act in films are not doing it for the fame and money. More often they are young and poor and doing it to pay rent. And, abhorrently, some are the victims of horrible abuses masked by a smile on camera. Drugs make it possible for them to do the things on camera that they regret very much afterward. I think of all the money and effort spent on the porn industry and wonder how much those sweet precious daughters of our heavenly father could be helped and supported instead of degraded and abused. The men who indulge in that stuff are either irresponsibly oblivious to it or do a great job of lying to themselves about the realities of the industry.

Unfortunately I am one of them. My first exposure was when I was 8 years old and my friend and I found some pictures in his dad’s drawer. I still to this day remember the rush I got. There I was, a kid who had no idea what sex was wondering why my penis was getting a little stiff. I remember wanting to visit my friend’s house every chance I could get after that. I gave him every dime I had in exchange for his stealing me more of his dad’s pictures. It was overpowering, intoxicating, and consumed me utterly. And I was 8! I didn’t figure out how to masturbate till I was about thirteen. At that time I had no idea what that word even meant or that it is wrong. I was just experimenting, and by trial and error discovered a wonderful companion to looking at pictures of naked women. About 6 months later, I suppose it was inevitable, my mother caught me at it. She was livid. She stormed around the house screaming at me like I was the devil incarnate, screaming at my father to punish me, etc. etc. that’s when I learned that it was wrong. Funny thing though, it didn’t stop me. The pleasure I got from it won out over the fear of being caught again or the threat of going to hell. I would go to church and hear again and again about how evil it was, and then go home and masterbate to Betty and Veronica. I just really really liked it. I actually went for a few years without it at one point. I served a 2 year mission for my church where I was with a companion 24/7. I think I did it once during that 2 year period and felt so guilty about it that I called and confessed it to my ecclesiastical leader who made me feel really crappy about doing it and I managed to not do it again. Inexplicably, when my mission ended and I returned home, one of my first orders of business was to go buy a playboy. What the hell right? I just could not forget the sense of euphoria that looking at naked women brings, and I just wanted that feeling back too much. Being from a very strict religious household, having taken daily seminary classes during high school and having served a full time mission I managed to avoid actually having premarital sex. I think the only way I was able to do that was because I would masturbate to “relieve the pressure” if you will. I was a virgin until my wedding night and have never slept with another woman after marriage. I have thought the occasional woman at work was attractive, but I have never considered cheating with her. ( I know you consider pornography cheating to a certain degree though and I absolutely do not excuse my actions. Unfortunately, that dark passenger still rears its ugly head. I LOVE looking at naked women. It is a wonderful drug that brings a euphoria equal to the most spiritual experiences I have ever had.

My point is this: I love my wife and am very devoted to her. I see her as a beautiful daughter of God who deserves the greatest respect and honor from her husband. I try to give her that. I tell her, honestly, how beautiful she is every day. I cuddle with her, make love to her, listen to her while she talks about her day and try my best to comfort her when she is upset. When I first met her I felt a really cool connection and knew that I was going to fall in love with her. Then I learned that she suffered from bi polar disorder as well as extreme anxiety. She will be fine for 3 weeks and then be in bed for a month refusing to turn a light on. She will make a plan to go to the grocery store but when it comes time to leave the house she stops and starts to cry. I tell her she can do it and sometimes she makes it through the door. Other times she runs back to bed and hides. that is her cross to bear and I feel so bad for her and what she has to go through. Still I would never think of abandoning her for another woman. She has my back the best she can and I have hers. I don’t in any way want you to think I am excusing my continued viewing of pornography because I don’t get the same kind of partner that some other men have. I am just hoping you will believe me when I say it is not my intention to hurt my wife by looking at pornography. I just like the way it makes me feel. For some screwed up reason I don’t even feel guilty about it like I do about other sins. While almost all of my time and energy go into caring for her – looking at porn is the one selfish thing I do for me. It is fast, it’s easy to get, it’s free, and if I try hard enough I can forget that people get hurt by it.

So on behalf of all us husbands who look at it, I am sincerely so so sorry for the hurt we cause you. I only ask you to please please understand that we don’t intend it to hurt you. When a bully humiliates someone in school they do it because they like causing pain. That is absolutely not the case with many of us. It is just a feeling we can’t get anywhere else and one that is so incredible that we can’s seem to let it go. If you can, and I’m really not sure it is fair to even ask it, please try to see our perspective. that we aren’t doing it to hurt you and many men, like me, would really like to not do it just because we know it hurts you. We do it anyway because it really is a drug that is very tough to put down.

Please please stop feeling bad. Your husband isn’t really sending you the message that he doesn’t care about you or that you are not worthy of respect. he doesn’t intend to cause you pain. If you can just love us for all our good qualities and know we love you too. We don’t want you to accept our behavior as okay. We just want you to see it for the intoxicant it is rather than a sign that we have stopped loving or respecting you, Know that we still see you as the amazing beautiful bride we married. Don’t let it destroy what we have. Everyone bears their own personal cross and I don’t know whether this is ours or yours, I only know that we are all just a bunch of imperfect human beings trying as best we can to get through this very difficult thing called life. What will help us most is your love. We need you desperately. If you choose to stay Your husband will be eternally grateful whether you know it or not. Ask your husband to do his best to stop. Let him know it hurts you. Remind him of what I said earlier about the reality of the industry. hopefully he can learn to live without it. But if he doesn’t, just love him anyway. Even though he has this issue he has probably done some things to deserve your forgiveness and loyalty.

( If he hits you or actually cheats on you though all bets are off – hit him with a baseball bat while he is sleeping and leave his sorry ass).

January 12, 2010 at 2:53 pm
(426) Melissa says:

Just don’t get it,

I really appreciate and respect your candor and kind words. But to me personally, I could no sooner put up with a husband addicted to porn than I could with a husband addicted to anything else (drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.). I can’t speak for the other women here, but I haven’t demanded from my husband that he never look at another woman. Naturally he still looks at other women and finds them attractive (though fortunately for me, he tends to keep his opinions to himself). He is a man, after all, just as I am a woman and still find other men attractive. I couldn’t stop him from seeing beautiful women even if I tried. They’re everywhere!

But pornography? I’m sorry, but that’s a whole other level. No one “needs” pornography. And if they do, they clearly have a problem. If I ever caught my husband doing some of the things that the women on this blog have found their husbands doing, I’d feel the exact same way as them. Actually, I give these girls a lot of credit, because they have way more patience and understanding than I would have in their situations.

As women, for our whole lives we hear, “Boys will be boys,” “Men can’t help it,” etc., etc. I for one am sick of it. I’m tired of putting up with bad behavior from men on the grounds that it’s just the way men are. I think what it took for me to reach my breaking point was seeing my daughter reach puberty and having to deal with the same crap. As a mom, you fight a lot harder for your child than you ever would for yourself.

I do want you to know that I don’t think women are perfect either. Not by a long shot. In an earlier post, I remarked that I feel women are just as much to blame for the porn industry as men are. Of course, I was speaking only about those women who volunteer for this garbage. Do they realize how much they hurt other women? How do they sleep at night? I have no idea.

I haven’t even had a problem (at least so far) with pornography in my marriage. I’m just angry on behalf of other women who have. Men at least seem to stick together. My husband won’t even say a bad word against another man without very good reason. I wish we women had the same loyalty to and respect for one another.

Best of luck to you. I’m sure your wife appreciates your obvious love for her as well as your honesty.

January 13, 2010 at 2:16 am
(427) Lord Krauser says:

I am younger than 30, but older than 20, happily married and a viewer of porn. My wife actually encourages me to look at porn and masturbate when she’s not around to relieve myself. She does the same thing.

We also have a very open relationship sexually. And by this I mean we are open with everything together, experiment often, etc. We frequent porn shops together and have a good time of it no less. We watch porn together occasionally before and or during sex.

Neither of us are Christians, so religion has nothing to do with any of this. But I’ll state again, we have a VERY healthy relationship and marriage. We’ve been together for over six years now as well.

I don’t picture porn stars while having sex with my wife, and I don’t consider this a hobby. It’s a relief, and a mutual liking we both have.

Rather porn and marriage can go hand in hand will almost ALWAYS be on a case by case basis. There is no truly correct, universal answer.

January 15, 2010 at 12:37 pm
(428) Judy says:

Let me tell you first hand porn can and does destroy a marriage. I have been married 17 years and my husband and something me would watch porn. He also went to strip clubs. When we first started out married he always wanted to to talk dirty all the time and pretend I was doing some else. He also wanted me to try some crazy crap the porn stars were doing which I was not comfortable. I caught him one x trying to look under the door of the girl next door. She had a man over. It got to the point we built walls and I did not want to have sex with him no more. Everytime we did it was the same old crap, talk dirty and pretend I was a porn star or something. Women want men to be loving, and need to know they are wanted for whom they are. I had a son and we had sex maybe 4x in the 10 years. He told me many times I was boring and did’nt want to be with me no more. I am now 42 and am seeking a lawyer to end this crap. I thought it was normal and everyone went through this. I later learned from talking to other people that was mental abuse. I now have alot of issues and afraid to ever trust a man down the road. So if your reading this and you are doing this to your wife, just remember all the things I have stated and you could avoid alot of heart ache. By the way it does affect the kids. Your wondering why did I stay, for my son but now I know it was only making things worse and when all is said and done from all the fighting and showing no love in front of our son, he will need counceling. So I hope from reading this don’t think this is normal and don’t put up with it. Its very degrating, and makes you feel like a $2.00 whore. I also suffered mental depression for many years over this and now that I woke up and see all the years I have wasted with a man that made me feel like a piece of garbage will need help too.

January 20, 2010 at 4:16 am
(429) sabine says:

I am 35 married for 15 years with two beautiful children. I am very attractive and fit for my age .People dont believe my age when they look at me.I am telling u all this so u should know looks or keeping oneself fit does not change the dirty mind or selfishness of men.After one month of marriage i found that mmy hubby masturbate and watches pron .I DONT HAVE WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW HURT I WAS .Than it went on and on his lying ,my catching him again and again.Even when i went to hospital for my first baby ,at night he came back and watched pron.15 years have passed its still going on the sme way but my love and respect for him is gone down the drain.Its not becuse i fell jealous or have low selfesteem .The thing bothers me is the fact that those nude pic carry more importance than me .That he is ready to destroy our relationship for his pleasure.But one thing is clear boys do want they want to they r the most selfish creature God has created.God should not have put the feeling of jealousy in women if he had created man like this.I will pray to God to give us peace in our heart and mind as these MEN are never going to change.

January 21, 2010 at 6:41 pm
(430) ash says:

ok so regardless of the whole lookin at porn is normal blah blah…but isnt there is certain circumstances where were not just whiney housewives anymore..i am pretty young got married young..and before i married my husban we lived together..i was always finding magazines and porn on the computer..i would come home from work and thats all he had done was look at porn…i would come downstairs and he would be looking at it..he spent money on the video chat things…and on and on..and to top it all off our sex life sucked it was only when he wanted it and i could run around naked and he wouldnt even flinch..its gotten better since then we’ve been together for about 4 years…however after all that it takes a toll on your self esteem and its hard to look at himthe same when we are intimate he’s 10 years older then me in his 30′s and it was always real young girls in the pictures… which being 10 years younger wtf?? im not overweight im not horrible to look at..anywho it has gotten better but i still think after all that he should respect that i dont like it ..am i wrong?

January 28, 2010 at 4:40 am
(431) Chandra says:

ya i have noticed my husband has been looking at porn and i feel if your married or with the person you shouldn’t have to masturbate to to porn you should go to your wife or who ever but i told him i feel down about my self if he has to look at porn to get off so we had our long talk and then i found out he has looked at allot more porn again so what should i do it really frustrate me that he lies to and i just don’t know what to do i feel very inconsear about my self now… help me give me some advise… please

February 2, 2010 at 7:07 am
(432) Julie says:

My husband is 11 years older than me I am 19 he is 30 and we have only been married for a year.
When I was first with him he said he didn’t need porn when he is in a relationship then about 6 months into our relationship I was int he shower and I came out because I had forgotten something and he quickly closed the site he was on which I was really suspicious so I went back to shower and after I finish I look at the history and see he has been trying to go on porn and he said he is just curious and we argue about it and he promise to never look at that again.
Then randomly another time he ask me do I want to watch porn together and I said no because I don’t like why would I want to see him looking at another women? and he said it is fun and i said No.
Then about 2 months ago he brung it up again saying it is alwyas on his mind and the reason we have not been having sex much recently because he is too tired (I am always want to have sex but he is alwyas reject me and hardly ever initiate sex) but if he could see the porn he would not be tired anymore and want to have sex more.. WTF!? so he need to see the another women to get turned on..
I am not to be full of myself but I am much younger than him, have average size breast (C cup), 23 inch waist, I am very slim, and I changed alot to be what he liked (I have spend alot of money to dye my hair blonde when I am dark naturally and have always been dark) to be what he likes. And hes say this to me.. Everytime I go otuside I get the guys trying to flirt with me and whistle at me..
Before hes with me hes single for a long time everyone he try to get with even in club where the girl is drunk is still reject him so he is lucky to be with me even and he say this to me..
Then he keep on and on at me so I agree to watch the porn with him and I hate it and said turn it off I hate to see you get turned on by a women that is not me..

Then we argue alot becuase I leave the room and come back in about 5 minutes and he has opened it again so I grab the USB internet and throw to the wall and then I sleep in the Sofa. The next day when he is at work I packed my things and he had left me a note saying how he is lucky to be with me and he lvoe me etc etc so I leave him note back saying don’t Bullsh*t me this is your chance to prove anything to me if you want to stay with me if you look at porn or anything whilst I stay in my friends house (in a different city, I had moved everything left all my friends to come to him in his city) I will leave you its the last chance you can prove to that I can trust you (because he has lied to me before about smoking weed and stuff) then when I came back he swore on my life he’s not look at porn or anything said he hasnt tried if the internet works again yet and can I test it today.
Then I notice a song been downloaded on the day im in my friends house and he said he take it off him phone which I don’t believe but I can’t do anything to prove so I wait. Then he so stupid, he didn’t delete the Form and th Temporary file just the internet URL so I can see all what he is looking at and all the search so I tell to him and he deny it! I said no dun stupid I can see the date is the date I am at my friend house and he get really angry with me and slap me and tell me f** off then later he apologize and say it because he just see it as the last time hes ever view the porn… AND he had search for the shemale and gay porn too but in the temp files I see all straight and he said he’s just test himself… wtf…

Omg we have move to a new city now near my old city bu I am still feel so hate for him I have not want to have sex with him since and I cannt trust him at all. I don’t want bother do anything for him nymore, I am going to dye my hair bck to natural colour and I feel don’t care what he think now.. bjut I can’t leave him because I have no family and he’s feel like financial support..
ohh i dont know wha tto do :(

February 2, 2010 at 11:47 am
(433) Kris B says:

PORN is not the issue. Addiction, compassion and self esteem is the real issue. If someone was knitting to the point where nothing else mattered to the detriment of thier real life it is an addiction. PORN is the same as computer games, drugs, alcohol, exercise, and sex, skiing, and even knitting. It is an activity. Because some people have addictive personalities and do not care that it is an activity which may harm their relationship and hurt their spouses feelings, do not vilify pornography.
The real issue is the addict’s unwillingness to stop, the fact that they don’t care about the feelings of their spouse. Now don’t get me wrong – I do not think that everyone who watches porn is an addict. Most people who watch it are not, they use it as entertainment, a visual aid to start the motor running, sometimes even an instructional video. Many couples watch it together to enhance their sex life, to get ideas when sex gets stale, or just for the variety of seeing someone else naked. After 20 years of seeing the same person undress it might be nice to see someone else periodically without worrying about disease or infidelity.
Women may read romance novels or stories about romantic, steamy encounters. Women tend to be more cerebral – imagination and fantasy get a woman’s motor running. But men are visual creatures – photos, videos,and seeing it live are what excites men. You know the old joke about a man reading a instructions, they don’t do it, but give a man a video of how something goes together and they will replicate it perfectly every time.
I used to take offense at my husband watching porn. But then I asked myself why…am I really jealous of some video, fake silicon valleygirl or am I just jealous of the fact that I do not have a “perfect” body. I have rolls and bulges in all the wrong places, but that is MY issue. My self-esteem. Not my husbands and not caused by him looking at porn. My husband loves my wobbly bits, he loves my natural breasts that sag a little and the junk in my trunk. We have a very active and interesting sex life. He comes up with ideas that put the porn that he does watch to shame. Some ideas work, others do not but we try anyway.
Sometimes I am still self conscious and wonder if he finds the girls in the porn flicks more attractive but then I remember – he married ME. And honestly there will always be girls who are younger, prettier and more fit than I am who may make him turn his head just as Sam Elliot turns mine, but no matter who turns our heads, we are holding hands. I also know that even though I can’t stop him from screwing around on me if he really wants to, it is not going to be with some porn flick chick. And he will not stray if he is truly happy at home.

February 2, 2010 at 7:57 pm
(434) get over it already says:

I can not believe how many women on here are talking about how they are still intimate with their husbands and are trying this and trying that for their husbands after they say they were hurt by his porn watching. What the hell are you people thinking?? HE hurt you with HIS nasty disgusting habit. Why in the hell should you go out of your way to watch porn with him if you don’t even like it?! That makes no sense at all to me. I would tell his to quit or walk. Period. Call me a bitch, but I know what I want in my life….and what I DON’T want it! And porn is one of those things that I don’t want in it!!

February 10, 2010 at 8:44 pm
(435) dee says:

I know self esteem is not the issue with me. I love my body and think I am attractive. The real issue is my husband is looking another woman’s private parts while he is touching himself. It’s not me he is masturbating to and I feel it is cheating. I view porn as animalistic and barbaric. Sex should be something enjoyed by two people in an intimate setting. Porn lessens the value of sex and intimacy by the industry and the way it is produced. It is a filthy tool men use to cheat on their wives. What did men use before the age of television and internet? THEIR MINDS! Fantasy should be kept in your head and not displayed in public format for thousands of horny individuals to get off.
I have struggled with this issue for years with my husband. At first, he was apologetic and guilty and promised never to watch again. This continued on for at least a year before I finally gave up and said I am leaving. Then he became justified and felt he should not have to stop watching since it was something he grew up doing since he was a teenager. Seeing that I was going to end up with a failed marriage, I gave in. I gave in by trying to monitor the type of porn he could watch and I wanted to watch with him to see what turns him on, but then I realized I hate porn. Again, back in a circle we went… I have done a lot of reading up on this issue and I hear the men’s side who think it’s OK and what I have came to realize is there are two types of people in respect to porn – those who hate it and those who like it. It’s sad for me and many other women out their that have the same dilemma of being married to a man who likes porn and we hate it. It honestly feels like a slap in the face when there is something your spouse doesn’t like and you ignore the way your spouse feels instead of trying to compromise and work out a solution. To me the bottom line is if there is something your spouse does not like because it makes them feel betrayed and hurt, you should refrain from doing it, and if you can’t refrain from doing it then there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
My spouse is currently working on not watching porn anymore in light of the way I feel about it. I have agreed to help him since he does need visual stimulation to masturbate by taking pictures and video of us. In the mean time, he has asked that I be patient with him since this is a long formed habit.

February 11, 2010 at 6:43 pm
(436) Jojo says:

Well I guess I am one of those evil porn loving husbands. But after 20 years of marriage it got to the point where I just couldn’t stand to see my wife naked much less have sex with her. I came to prefer porn and masturbation over partner sex within a few years of getting married. I love the newness and variety porn gives you. A different fantasy partner and a different sexual situation every time. I did try watching with her but it wasn’t the same. Knowing she was there with me killed my desire and even the porn couldn’t get me aroused. Plus she hated it and I knew she was only watching it for my sake. We stopped having sex many years ago not because of porn per se but because I just couldn’t get aroused by her anymore and so I couldn’t perform with her. I think there are many men like me who are simply tired and bored of having sex with the same person year in and year out. I think porn actually helped save my marriage because without it I probably would have left years ago.

February 11, 2010 at 7:44 pm
(437) suzq says:

I have been married for 15 years and have been dealing with this problem. I have tried compromise. But it does not end there its a vicious cycle. Porn becomes not enough and they take it to another level. Gogo bars, female escorts, craigslist, and conversation. It’s a heart wrenching experience, it causes great pain and heart sinking moments that make me want to vomit. Yet the husband will say he loves me, I am the only one for him. We have children and for many years I have counted down the years to when they will graduate high school and I can be free from this mental torture. Needless to say I have years to go and the vicious cycle began again. My husband spends countless amounts of money on porn sights and charges appear on the credit cards. So the last time this happened we had yet another discussion. Well as time goes by no charges and I so believed he finally had curbed his habit somewhat. Well…to find out he secretly opened his own bank account to hide the charges and charged them to his debit card. Another lie, another let down. So ladies out there from experience it never ends, its a serious addiction. I have decided to leave him, in hope that I can rebuild my life and find myself again. A marriages foundation is trust and a relationship without trust means nothing. And on a final not some statistics… A recent study indicated that porn addiction is the #1 reason for divorce in America today.
Recent statistics show that today 75% of all divorces are iniatiated by women. In a vast majority of these divorces, pornography addiction was cited as the reason for the destruction of the the relationship.

February 13, 2010 at 8:04 am
(438) Jojo says:

I think the escalation theory holds true for only a small minority of men. I think most men who prefer porn to marital sex do want to stay married. Everything else about the marriage is fairly good and they like being husbands and fathers. Plus a man has so much more to lose in a divorce, including his kids. So again in a low sex or sexless marriage I think porn is a way that men can have sexual variety and experience a high level of sexual desire without having to leave home and get involved in an affair, go to strip clubs or visit prostitutes.

February 13, 2010 at 3:21 pm
(439) maureen says:

I felt lost and confused when I discovered my man watched extremely filthy porn on “Video on Demand” every time he had a day off and I went to work downtown. I had cancer last year and after treatments i worked from home much of the time. When I started feeling better I put more days in at the office downtown. We have been together for several years and had addressed the issue of hard-core porn magazines earlier. I explained that it made me feel like I had no respect for him for wanting to look at such stuff. Now with the easy access to extreme filthy porn on tv it is even worse. I am disgusted by his behavior and I feel there is no respect left in our relationship. It doesn’t make me feel bad about myself but I don’t understand his point of view and he doesn’t comprehend mine. we seem to be at opposite ends of the sexual morality spectrum. I am not fat or ugly. Even on my birthday (I went to the gym for a couple hours) he rented a movie on demand. An addict has to believe there is a problem before anything can change. Now I know why he wants a big-screen tv.

February 25, 2010 at 4:03 pm
(440) milla says:

first of all i want to thank you all for sharing so deeply. this site has been very healing for my own struggle around this issue.

i’m 36, married and i consider myself funny, smart and attractive. to be honest, i would probably feel very threatened and jealous if i saw myself on the street or in one of those porn sites, thinking that my husband would be very attracted to her.

that does not make it any easier, though.

our sex life is also amazing, sacred, wild, sensual, and he makes sure i have multiple orgasms every time we make love. he’s gentle and strong at the same time. he is honest and connected to his truth and integrity and i admire him for that.

i give him a lot of pleasure in bed and outside the bed… i could say i do all those things to my man that Jim asked us above. so there is nothing wrong with our sex life.

yet, still, i’m struggling with him watching pictures of beautiful women and porn. thank god he at least has a very good taste, most of those sites he goes to are artistic and kind of innocent.. often just pictures of gorgeous girls.

i have been diving deeply into my own shadow about this issue. i’m coming to a conclusion that my problem is not so much him doing what he does. it’s much more deeper than that. it’s a deeply rooted fear of abandonment and fear of being replaced by an image or an other person. also, i struggle giving him the same freedom than he gives me; freedom to choose what we do when we are alone. of course while respecting and honoring our vows and boundaries -

so here is my confusion: i watch porn too, on my own, and i totally get why men do it. i connect with my primal, animal self and i get to deepen my sexual relationship to myself the way that i can’t when we are making love. because it’s different. i see it as a good thing, it keeps my juices and life force flowing. we have also watched it together. as long as there is openness that we both do it, i’m much better. he likes the idea that i do it too, and that i enjoy myself when he’s not around. he says he just wants me to be happy…

about a year ago, i was so angry and disappointed finding out he had been watching porn that i hit my hand to the wall and broke my wrist. seriously. now i’m dealing with this subject much better. i recently asked him, lovingly, why he does it. i opened one of those sites on his computer and i asked him to sit down next to me. i did my best to confront my fears. he said it connects him to his own sensuality when we are apart (he stays away 3 nights a week- we have found out that really keeps our marriage fresh and exciting!and it’s easier when he does not watch porn when i’m in the house). he also enjoys beauty and thinks it should not be limited to one person only. i told him, as long as i feel like the queen to him, he can go and play with the kids. i asked him what he thinks about me sexually. (men, it’s really important to tell your woman she’s the number one, even if we know it. it really really makes a difference, at least to me.) he said i’m all his sex fantasies coming alive. and many other wonderful things. it was like music to my heart, ladies and gentlemen!!! i think it was john gray who mentioned that women don’t need much to be happy and feel loved. men just need to keep feeding the meter! every day. with little things. kind words and actions.

so, here i am sitting and still sometimes wondering what he is doing when he’s not home. i’m starting to realize that as long as i keep thinking the thought “he should not watch porn”, i suffer. i suffer deeply, because first of all, i’m fighting against reality WHAT IS, and secondly, i’m in his business and not mine. and anytime i’m in his business, i lose. so what i have found deeply healing is when i start asking questions from a different, non-reactive place. what is my deepest fear? how can i communicate it to my partner without making him wrong? how do i honor my own feelings without letting them keep me trapped? how do i nourish that inner child so that she knows she’s safe? how do i communicate my needs to my partner and how do i make a request from a grounded, certain and clear place? this way, i’m not leaving myself and my own heart.

again, i can’t even imagine the pain i would experience if my man lied to me about this or kept it hidden. so i have a lot of empathy for some of you ladies. i am in the both “sides” of this topic and it had helped me lot. i guess i’m thankful that this monster is coming out of the closet. who knows, maybe i’m more afraid what i might do and how far i could go with my sexual drive. so it’s not really about him, especially when he is respectful, honest and loving to me. my marriage is turning out to be the best and most challenging play ground to confront my fears. and i’m lucky that i have a man like him to do it with. amen.

February 26, 2010 at 12:14 am
(441) milla says:

p.s. by “kids” i mean girls in their twenties, not under-age girls. that i don’t understand. something has to stay sacred in this corrupted world….

also, i believe that we all have masculine and feminine side to us. men of course have stronger masculine essence than women, usually, and women have stronger feminine essence. david deida talks about this. he says masculine finds his way to openness and love (to the “divine”) through emptiness and realease. like orgasm. or silent meditation. feminine beings open through fullness and love. like man penetrating her with absolute presence and ravishment. or dance. that is the quickest way for her to feel one with the divine. so this simplistic theory fits to this whole topic of porn- men are finding any way they can to merge with emptiness, and women are looking for someone/something (their husband, lover) to fulfill their need to open as love. i think often we women want to judge a man watching porno because in our heads we are disappointed that our man is lacking mission in his life, a bigger than himself-purpose, because we know his potential. so porn seems like a waste of time to us! any thoughts on that, folks?

February 26, 2010 at 8:03 pm
(442) HappierNow says:

My husband of 20 years was addicted to porn. He hid it from me, lied about it, lied about lying about it, refused to talk to me about it, refused to see a counselor, and denied any and all wrongdoing regarding it. I tried everything. I didn’t need him to stop completely, but I needed him to occasionally choose me instead. There were times when I stood naked next to him at the computer asking him to come to bed. His response? “I’ll be there later.” Eventually, I gave up. I chose to leave the marriage. When we were separated, I found another man who doesn’t have the same addiction. I have been with my new man for four years now, and we have a great sex life. We don’t need porn. Yes, we have experimented with porn together, but found that it doesn’t improve our sexual relationship one bit. I am NOT a proponent of divorce, but this was the best solution for me.

Unfortunately, my ex’s addiction has been “viewed” by my 11-year old son. He is very confused and angry, and believes that his dad’s new very young wife is going to leave his dad like his mom did. He has been taught that porn is disrespectful when you are in a relationship.

After 20 years of heartbreak and finally beginning to heal myself with a much better relationship, my heart is now breaking all over again for my son. His dad has told him that everyone does it, it’s normal, and okay. When my son asked me if I “look at naked men on the computer”, I truthfully told him no, that not all people look at porn. This, of course, confuses him because his dad and I have different opinions.

When children are involved, it’s important to be on the same page, especially when there are two separate homes and you can’t control what happens in the other home. I am struggling with this situation, but I’m hoping that we’ll be able to raise our son to understand that it can damage a relationship when there is a lack of communication involved.

Thanks for listening…it feels really good to get a little more pain out.

March 4, 2010 at 11:35 pm
(443) cjs says:

My husband and I had been together for 6 years the day we got married, which was this past November 2010. We had a GREAT sex life. We were having sex at least 3 times a week. Thats pretty good, especially since we work opposite schedules, and are very busy as well. EVERYTHING changed the day after we got married. On our honeymoon, I practically had to beg for sex. I can’t tell you how confused and horrible I felt. I tried to chaulk it up to the flight and all the stress of planning our wedding, but I took care of all the arrangements! Needless to say, since we have gotten back, it’s been worse.
I found out that he has been looking at porn online. It is affecting our marriage so badly. We only have sex maybe 2-3 times a month now. I have thrown myself at him, suggested getting it on in the bedroom, even ASKING if he thinks maybe we can have some sex tonight. His response when I ask, um, yea, I guess. Then he ends up staying on the computer till 3 a.m. and I’m asleep because I have to get up at 5 a.m. for work. He just keeps rejecting me. It hurts so bad that he would rather jerk off than to have intimate sex with me. He works nights and I work days, so, when I get home from work and it’s his night off, he has done NOTHING all day except sat at that computer. I look on the history and he must have been looking at 40 different sites for porn.
When we first met, he told me that he thought porn was disgusting and would never watch it. He said he had morals and believed it would harm someones marriage.
We have only been married a few months and I am ready to end it because of this. It was such a drastic change. i can’t take the feelings of hurt, betrayal, rejection, and disgust I have. I am just so overwhelmed with deppression with this. Do you guys think that being his “wife” now, makes him not want me anymore? I don’t know what to do. I love my husband so much, but this is just the beginning of our lives together. I can’t live the rest of my life like this.

March 10, 2010 at 10:15 pm
(444) george says:

I sense a lot of insecurities among women writers. I view soft porn because i love to look at erotic images. Nature intended men to appreciate the female species, Stop portraying men as offenders of womens rules. I’m open with my wife about it. If my wife had the energy for sex every day, I would totally give up the porn. Speaking for many men, many wives loose sexual desire into a marriage attributed to stress, too much work, poor physical fitness and even laziness etc. We are visual creatures. We require to have fun not just in the initial part of a relationship. I try to get my wife out for an evening all the time and I love it when she dresses sexy. Very often couples become lazy and men are always judged for being themselves. Men view porn because in many cases their not being satisfied period. Shame, shame.

March 12, 2010 at 2:44 pm
(445) Simon says:

Any activity that takes away from the couple in a marriage is destructive. Porn is addictive, it draws a person selfishly into their own world where no useful communication with another is needed. It involves lies and secrecy which do not foster a loving relationship and further tear it apart. It is not christian and it is usually very degrading to the partner. When you are involved with someone so addicted, you don’t matter any more to them as it’s all about getting their high. This type of person can’t deal with their past pain and this is just an escape. My husband left me for porn, an affair, gambling and work. Anything he could to avoid having an intimate relationship. He’s constantly looking for excitement to cover his emotional and physical pain. My sons and I have given up on him getting help and restore our family after 17 months. We have detached to protect ourselves since we have been lied to so much. So, If your partner can’t have an honest and calm conversation about problems then it’s over. Time to move on and find someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

March 13, 2010 at 5:08 am
(446) candy24seven says:

Candy is the name I call myself when my husband and I play sexually. I have been happily married to my husband for 17 years. We met in college and had our son soon after graduation. I was considered “sexy and hot” I guess by many men back n those days… we basically married in earliest days of the internet becoming a household necessity…… a picture of about dozen chic positioned doggie-style lined in front of a pool was my first glimpse into my husband’s “curiosity” as he declared it… it was his screen-saver back then. Over the years I have struggled to understand and accept what drives my husband to use porn. Everything in our marriage has been realitively wonderful…except his one issue. A few years back, I gave up trying to figure it out and stopped my own mental pattern of checking his computer etc. I have never suspected my husband of doing anything except view movies, clips and pictures. My main problem is his double-standard. If he even thinks I stare at a photo or commercial of an attractive man… my loyalty and credibility is lowered by his standards…. however- he can view porn as much as he wants and claims he never thinks about it after wards or in our bedroom. We have always had a very interesting active and satisfying sex life. We have sex an average 8-10 times a week and get crazy with it. We make our own porn movies and quite frankly at my age of 39… i look pretty damn hot. I am writing tonight because I am totally exhausted. My husband has the dream… an angelic wife who adores her life with him, wonderful mother to our kids, whore in the bedroom and then some…. I have DONE EVERYTHING a wife can possibly do and be to her husband… EVERYTHING!!!
Yet- still PORN rings in the background of my husband’s world. he will never be satisfied with just me. I can accept a little porn here and there.. but when I hear the movie my husband secretly viewed play out in my bedroom…. and all I have ever asked of him is to just be honest with me about it…that it is okay with me… i feel i have lost. I have lost the love I have felt, the respect i deserve and the man I want to call my husband. Porn is the only threat we have ever had in our marriage and sadly it has become stronger than our love. I was once so hopeful our marriage and love , so in tune with my desires as a woman and could see so clearly who we were meant to be in our life together. Bu now-after his unnecessary lies driven by an addiction for more and more porn…and I am the wife of an addict that is waking up to the pain and irreversible hurt of what has become my husband’s uncontrollable truth. I want to love him forever and pull him out of it… he is so good to me but porn has weakened his manhood and all i can see is boy… I want a MAN to call my husband. I don’ feel like a woman or wife in or bedroom with him anymore… just a porn star with holes to be filled.

March 15, 2010 at 4:48 am
(447) amber says:

i have read over many of these related topics tonight, and for the most part i agree with both sides. i think that men don’t view sex the same as women…. mutual.

i am 25 in great shape and adore my boyfriend i love getting wild with him and over the years we’ve learned each others bodies to an extremly comfortable place where any desires are realized. i enjoy being creative

saying that…. last night i left to get some cigarettes (for him) a mer 30 minutes after we had had a “shower” together (wich i know was mutually satisfying ) and while i was gone (20 min maybe) he put on some internet porn and i don’t know why since we had just finnished he got off so what went wrong ????

i knew on occasion he’d watch porn and it bothered me but didn’t hurt me.
however now that we have the internet he’s watching porn all the time and occasionally ignoring my desires ….. even dressed up, undressed kinky things…. too easy to click and jack i guess

i on numerous occasions tried watching porn with him and without him…making our own all of it… watching porn doesn’t work for me but making is fun but not for him…. i feel like sex is good but needs to be mutuality enjoyed

MEN
how would you feel if your girls turn on was a tongue or finger in
your rear??? that’s not working for you but it is for her…. who should give up their desires ??? thats how his porn addiction feels to me i don’t want that there

i feel like i am in a damn competition with the things he has seen now. over the past few days since he’s watching porn all the time he makes our sex less enjoyable because he’s got a scene he wants to recreate and i feel used instead of enjoyed

my problems are the frequency, the “MUST DO IT ONLY THE FAKE WAY I SAW”, and the i don’t want you, just the finnish i want to be enjoyed NOT A MOVING SEX TOY

March 20, 2010 at 7:56 am
(448) me says:

I just must add to all of these many wonderful views that my husband loves porn and hides it from me. I’ve heard both sides from my guys friends; either they don’t understand him or they say it is natural and guys should be allowed to do it because it doesn’t hurt anyone.

Well, I just must say that I made a suggestion to my husband and told him that maybe I should look at some porn for women. This way I can get to see some really big ones and nice muscles and such. He said he didn’t like the idea.

Wow. This street goes one way here.

He tries real hard not to do it (seriously, I do not think he can get that image of me looking at hotter guys out of his head). I would never do it because I honestly think it is gross to look at another man period unless he’s mine. Everyone who knows me understands that’s just the way I am.

It’s tough getting used to what many people say is the “stereotypical man”, but there is more than one way to get any job done.

March 26, 2010 at 12:35 pm
(449) musician says:

Men are selfish and invent many “logical” lies to support their callous selfishness. After ALL the typical common excuses I have heard for over 20 years coming out of my husband’s mouth (incl “I wouldn’t mind if you did it too”), guess what? We were watching Cat on a Hot Tin Roof made in 1958 with Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman and the next morning we got to talking about it and he was asking if I thought young Newman and I matter-of-factly said he was. My husband’s countenance and tone of voice changed and I could tell he was feeling insecure, so I quickly said Newman was only one kind of handsome and that he (my DH) was my preferred kind of HH (handsome hunk). Why was I so nice? I don’t know, I guess it’s kinda automatic. Newman had all his clothing on too and there were zero erotic scenes. Well, this was 1958 before America turned so smutty/filthy. So, all you ladies who believe ANY of the lies (incl “I wouldn’t mind if you did it too”), just don’t. I had ZERO self-esteem problems and ZERO depression and ZERO cynicism BEFORE my husband started using porn. Tell you what, I highly doubt he will ever get what Pain is ’til he feels it himself. Guess you can’t describe what salt tastes like either. So, if my DH jdecides to jerk off again, I will put at least a half dozen posters up on our bedroom wall of extremely handsome/hero type men (likely not fully clothed). I will say nothing except welcome to Hell (where I’ve been living for 20 years). I will say nothing further, but they will not come down until he comes out of Denial and recognizes the truth of his own humanity, thereby being at the same time forced to acknowledge mine. This isn’t revenge only a very simple recognition that people do not care about pain or hurt, unless it is their own. And sorry guys, but it does seem you are the more guilty of the two sexes of being callous and selfish (ie so very conveniently forgetting the Golden Rule). As for the pain and hurt and all manner of negatives that I have had to endure at the hands of this relentless oppressive tyrant we call porn, just believe me I often often wished to be done and outa this hell hole and onto the next life which will be Good. No, never suicidal ideation, just a growing disgust with this world, that’s all. And NO, I didn’t cause myself this pain – another and very irresponsible (ie not responsive) human being did. As for women who say they don’t mind, I believe they are in denial and not being completely truthful or self aware and probably have counter-addictions of their own, to “cope”. Next time you want to believe it’s okay, why don’t you research the web and see for yourself, because the truth is the women on average who are in the “sex industry” are used and abused far more and in many more ways than the blacks ever were in our country! The picture ain’t a pretty sight folks. And as for those who still believe that it only hurts a wife if she lets it, first thing you need to do is go in you back yard, hire a half dozen thugs to beat the crap out of you, break a few bones, do this every day for a couple of decades, then I’ll come along and tell you your Pain is all in your head, deal?! Let me tell you, the ONLY reason I haven’t given up is because I am a STRONG person and I love many OTHER things about my DH and Life and our Beautiful Children! But as to Porn, it is called Smut for a REASON – NO, there is nothing OK about it – nothing truthful, just, fair, kind or Good. It hurts EVERYONE but the pimps and their Swiss Bank Accounts!

March 26, 2010 at 1:19 pm
(450) musician says:

typo – if I thought young Newman HANDSOME and I matter if factly replied that he was -

yes ladies/gents – absolutely everything about porn is a lie – and absolutely EVERYTHING coming out of a porn-using spouse’s mouth on the subject of porn is a Lie/Delusion -

you can’t change others – but to be Truly Strong person you must hang on to the Truth no matter what lies are told to you or by whom. it is very difficult to hang on to personal self-respect and dignity at all times when mistreated, but don’t give up on Truth ever (it is your only hope, psychically speaking)

March 26, 2010 at 2:44 pm
(451) Trying to Understand says:

I have been in a relationship for 13 yrs. Married for 8 yrs. My husband has had questionable things on his computer and always says, he does not know how it got there. I think he believes he married an idiot. He now blames his 2 sons who are teens now-chances are they are doing it too. But, the root of the problem comes from my husband’s father. He gives my husband playboy magazines and sends him naked pictures of women on a regular basis. I have told my husband this bothers me. I believe he should tell his father, he is a happily married 39 yr old man and to stop sending it because it is disrespectful. My husband now tries to make me think I am a prude by telling me, “NOT ALL PEOPLE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT”. I just would like to try and understand why my father in law thinks this is appropriate behavior?

March 29, 2010 at 8:48 am
(452) DB says:

I have been married for 36 years. I have a master’s degree in social work and I am a therapist. Let me help you. Runnnnnnn…..as fast as you can. It doesn’t change and it never will. They just get sneakier and then one day you wake up and realize that you never had much of a sexual relationship with someone and definitely no intimacy and you are too old to change it. It is an addiction and they are unable to change. Like any addict, in times of stress or boredom, they will revert back to porn to overcome emotions that they are feeling. You may think that it is getting better until a few years later, something will come out and you will realize that you went without sex for years because he was involved in porn again, although he kept denying it. Get a divorce and start over before you ruin your whole life and never have an intimate relationship with someone. I am too old. I always thought that if I did this or that, he would change. They don’t. They can’t.

March 29, 2010 at 1:14 pm
(453) What? Are you kidding DB? says:

Yes, porn is an addiction but if you do something like the AA’s 12 step program… it can be suppressed and overcome. Seek counseling first…
The 3 things I learned that affect a marriage are money (finances), communication and sex (hand holding for example). The more of these pillars the better for your marriage. If he isn’t telling you he has a problem then there is the communication problem. Just like any addict admitting you have a problem is the first step.

March 29, 2010 at 9:49 pm
(454) teacher says:

I think you ladies are overanalyzing this issue. My husband and I have 3 small children and for a few years I was too tired to have sex. Now, thanks to internet porn, we watch it together, masturbate, and have great orgasms together. We do it almost every night now after the kids go to bed. I love it… and my husband of course it ecstatic! Don’t knock it until you try it ladies. I used to think it was bad too, but now I enjoy it more than my husband!

April 4, 2010 at 2:05 pm
(455) BD says:

Addiction in any form is not good, that is why there are fundamentalists in religion that are frowned upon. The issue of porn has to be taken in context, i like the comments relating to the fact that it depends on each couple. l view porn occassionally i.e once in 3 or 4 months (im a man by the way), sometimes even once in 7 months and i have been married for 6 years. Although i do not have a fantastic sex life with my wife, i have never cheated neither do i see porn as a replacement. We are just unfortunate in that we live in an African country that does not have a sex therapist, but i can also safely say that problems in marriage cannot be attributed to porn as most of them would have already been there long before porn came into the scene. Couples need to review their relationship, and unfortunately there are slim chances that they will agree based primarily on the assumption that men are turned on by what they see and women are more emotional. Most men do not open up easily (especially african men) as we were never encouraged to do so when we were growing up (you know the usual “suck it up” talk, so i would say we do need to pray about things, and practice a lot of restraint on our own (as it is easy to lie to someone that you have stoppped viewing porn, when in secret you have not). Good luck to you all, and God bless.

April 5, 2010 at 9:24 pm
(456) Carin says:

I, myself, am having issues with my husband and porn. Maybe more, I don’t know. My husband and I got married shortly after meeting. He is now 25 years old and I am 26. We haven’t even been married a full year yet (May7th 2009). I am pregnant, 3 1/2 months. My sex drive is naturally high. I would prefer sex at minimum 5 times a week. My ex husband was 40, now 42. He wanted sex at least 3 times a day and he used foreplay and pulled out all of the stops. My husband now… When we first met it was a marathon. No foreplay of course, the sexual desire was so intense we skipped it right onto the wild thing. But now, especially now, its always an effort on his part. Like he is doing it just to get me to shut up. He prefers to look at porn online. Usually before we have sex. And yeah, We do it like every 3 days but still. During those 3 days he is looking at porn or buying magazines. And it seems when he finds something he really is into, only then does he use his best but its always extremely quick. I have resorted to masterbation on my own but can’t seem to be turned on by the thought of him anymore because he disgusts me with his porn interest and constantly looking at other girls.
Now, I know he wouldn’t cheat on me…so I believe but I had been wrong before in past relationships. He doesn’t have the time but then again, neither did my ex. I’m scared. Sad and I feel disgusting now when I even masterbate or have sex with him. It seems he only wants me when something or someone else peeks his interest. He has turned me down countless times. This interest of his I know is perfectly normal but its taking a toll on me. Especially because he will stay in his office looking at porn while playing his online game or while I am in bed by 9 or 10 pm and he stays up to all hours of the night “just looking” so he says.
But the constant searches and history on the computer shows random sex pics with 18 year olds “barely legal” and Milf’s. I feel like I am not enough for him. Even using lingerie because it is a fetish of his. The panty hose and all…but even then, he has turned me down before wearing them.
He says its because of the stresses we are going through financially and at his job, he is military. Which is clearly a problem. But past experiences with others, I have never had this problem or had been turned down. In fact, its usually me turning them down when it is in excess or I am sore. I have never turned my husband down. When porn becomes what they want more, male or female, IT IS A PROBLEM!!!!
I do everything I can to make him want me. And still I catch him with Porn Magazines and Websites…even him checking out other women. I know its natural to look for men it seems it is most common. I personally have no interest in other men or women because I am with him and love him. He is the only one I ever wanted and still want.
Yes, I have been tempted to cheat just so I can feel wanted sexually again. To feel sexually appealing once more. Like a brand new toy and not some old ragged thing. I feel like he thinks the “new” has worn off and now I am just boring or the usual. With men’s natural desire to procreate with as many women as they can… that’s just hard to compete with.
He doesn’t have time to cheat. He’s home with me when he is off work, always same time. But he prefers to be on the computer instead of with me. And if I beg him to be with me doing anything other than him being on the computer, then he changes it to his XBOX and just plays that instead of giving me any sort of attention. Have I become disgusting to him?
Is it possible for 25 year old men to lose desire because of the perfect images of sex and love or lust in porn photos? Have I become second best to a picture of a woman he will never meet and never lay with.

April 8, 2010 at 1:01 am
(457) Katy says:

First of all I’d like to say to John P – totally get where you are coming from with the ‘alleliuyah’s but if I was religious I’d be thanking the lord I didn’t end up with you as my counsellor.

Its a sad state of affairs when a person chooses a computer mouse over real live human interaction. In the next few years I have no doubt that more studies will demonstrate the destructive nature the proliferation and over-exposure to pornography is having on our society, both in terms of relationships and in terms of women being viewed as sexual objects. I really find it offensive and scary to be wolf-whistled and followed by boys only hitting puberty as I was the other day and going out at night to clubs seeing guys scanning me up and down. I am an attractive female, and in the past I have appreciated attention from men, an appreciative glance is welcomed. However over the past 5 years, I’ve really noticed a difference in the way men look at women, it feels like being categorised as meat and not just being mentally undressed but hard-core penetration penetration. It feels like mental rape.

I’ve been in previous relationships where porn has not been an issue. When my partner first brought up the issue of porn with me as he was aware I wanted an honest open relationship, I told him not to worry, it was normal to view porn. I myself had used porn occasionally and as long as porn did not affect our relationship I had no issues with it.

Well given that we ended up in counselling you can guess the conclusion that porn did end up affecting our relationship. I am the more attractive partner in my relationship, but my self-esteem was badly knocked when my partner started rejecting me, telling me he was tired etc etc. We identified that my partners eye significantly wandered after porn viewing sessions and his desire for me was significantly decreased. His use of porn changed from the occasional mag or dvd to acres of instant gratification online. It led him to online chats and flirting with a girl from work. When it almost led to an affair we sought help. We’re still undertaking counselling which has being hugely helpful. I still am not receiving the level of sexual activity I would like and my husband is still using porn within boundaries we set but we are slowly rebuilding our relationship and our sexual relationship.

I can understand why men who are with a partner who has ‘let themselves go’, or who is sexually unavailable to them would be seeking gratification elsewhere. My partner has put on a great deal of weight and often sexually unavailable to me. However I made a commitment to him and the choice to be with him. It may be that marriage vows need to be changed to “sexual death to us part”. It seems such a shame, that if porn is such an insignificant thing and so unimportant, that so many men are letting it take over their sexual lives, watching it rip their wives/gfs apart and choosing the click of the mouse over the loving partner when an ultimatum is made. Porn is not the harmless titillation it was back in the good ole days, the plethora of porn today degrades, women, relationships and society too.

April 14, 2010 at 1:20 pm
(458) Starchild says:

Despite John P stated resolutions (counseling), which I would have to agree in most all cases would NOT lead to healing or regenerating a relationship built upon love, but instead result in the woman having to “change” some fundamental values regarding love, sex and marriage. Despite all that there is an element of truth in the notion that men want to be pleased sexually and liberation of sexual wants, needs and desires cuts two ways. Men and women both have “fantasies” of what that perfect sexual relationship and sexual parter is like. Problem is, for the most part our notions differ considerably. There has to be give and take within a marriage to preserve the love. With out love sex will become second rate regardless of who is the more attractive spouse. Without genuinely wanting to please the other partner (out of love for them), the relationship is going to fail. If you and your spouse happen to align perfectly on sex, chances are you don’t on a lot of other things. We have to give and take in many areas of our relationships to be happy, to make things work. And it only works if it is done out of love. Being your partners “fantasy” provided it isn’t debasing, disgusting or otherwise unacceptable based on your individuals values is part of a loving and sexually fulfilling marriage. Most men using porn in a relationship feel constrained and are not fulfilled sexually within that relationship. Sure, some are just plain addicted and it wouldn’t matter how “perfect” their mate was. But many are just unhappy and unfulfilled with the current state of the sex in their relationship. Women and men both work hard these days to make ends meet. Neither sex want to have to work hard again to enjoy the sex in a marriage. And you shouldn’t have to. Some times we have to admit that though we fell in love, it was with the wrong person. Sex is a very small part of a loving relationship, maybe 10% (because if the relationship is loving, your having great sex 90% of the time!) If the sex is bad (for what ever reason), it becomes 90% of the relationship (especially to most men). I believe wedding vows are just fine the way they are. It’s just that so many fewer of the people taking them are really in love and work at staying in love as a major priority.

April 15, 2010 at 9:09 am
(459) sinnycat says:

I found out my husband of 23 years was watching porn about 18 mths ago. At first I was so sad and developed very low self esteem. Now I finally came to the conclusion that life is way too short! He said he doesn’t do it anymore but I will never believe him anymore. I used to think he was the love of my life and would never do that. Wrong! He and I also were very loving devout christians also. Many thing have changed and some I say is for the better for me. Ladies, just do it too! I mean I don’t look at naked men but I do look at other men now out in public. Now when we have sex, we don’t make love any more, I just fantize I’m with someone else. Its so much fun! Don’t ruin your life over this. Please. He isn’t worth it. If your marriage ends, he’ll just go find someone else fast and then you will be the lonely one. Just have fun now. I didn’t realize that I could do that before.

April 15, 2010 at 12:15 pm
(460) RosaRosa says:

I am at a loss at the revelations here as I have been married for almost 30 years, consider myself well-read and well-informed. Now I am confused. How is it that people can watch others have sex and consider it beneficial to their lives, particularly their marriage or even entertaining. Porn is watching other people have sex. I have a sneaky suspicion that if women started talking suggestively about other men’s bodies to their partners and focusing energy on other men who are fitter, richer and more talented thatn their own partner, that men would reconsider the consequences.

April 20, 2010 at 12:10 am
(461) Lisa says:

I am engaged to be married in six months and we currently do not live together. I have always known that my fiance has had a thing for looking at other naked women. I am not stupid – I fully realize that most men look at online porn. Our society has normalized it. I have never had any problems in the past with ex-boyfriends of mine looking at porn. For some reason, now that I am marrying the man that I love more than anything, it bothers me to the point that it is making me sick. I discovered that he’s looking at porn online because he forgot to erase his history on his computer. Again, I know many men look at online porn and many people (men and women alike) think it is not a problem for a relationship. While I admit I can see both sides of the argument – I am a little scared to get married and discover after the fact that he has a porn addiction. I really would like to know what the extent of his porn watching is (i.e. does he do it everyday? does he do it multiple times a day? is there a reason that he’s doing it that is outside the scope of why most men look at online porn? and will it happen less or more once we live together?) I think it is something that needs to be talked about before we get married and understandable so, he is very reluctant to talk about it. I told him that we need to talk about it before we get married even if it is just to make me understand a little better about why he’s doing it. I know that this sort of sounds a little irrational but I feel like I’m being cheated on. I don’t want to have sex with him most times (but force myself to not think about it for the time being) because of it. I really am at a loss. I don’t know if I should press the issue or let it go and accept it as “normal”? Do any of the people on here who don’t think porn is a big deal have any suggestions on how I can talk about this with my fiance? How would you prefer your significant other approach you about it? any advice would be greatly appreciated – I’m sort of at a loss because I don’t want to make him feel bad or make him defensive. Both things I think may be unavoidable but it’s really not my intent.

April 23, 2010 at 2:05 am
(462) Rachel says:

I have been married for 2 years now. Our sex life was great for the first year, but over the last year things have changed drastically. I don’t have a problem with porn. I actually enjoy watching it and I have told my husband this. He used to tell me that he didn’t like it. He would rather touch than look. then I catch him looking at it in the middle of the night, he sees me come in and quickly hides it. When I asked him about it he says he’s relieving stress. I told him that was fine I didn’t have a problem with it. The only thing I asked of him was not to hide it from me. Since then, I have noticed through history that he watches it constantly. He waits until I am asleep, or I leave the house and he just goes nuts with it. He refuses for some unknown reason to share it with me. If I pop one in sure, he’ll sit down and watch it, but he will never initiate it. If he wants to watch it he will make sure I am not around. He still hides it. Now what makes this worse is he is the most selfish man in bed I have ever met. He didn’t use to be. But since he’s started watching porn alone like this, everything is all about him. Everytime. Even when I pop one in and he sits to watch it with me, it will still be all about him. The last time I did this I took care of him and then had to take care of myself because he just sat there. And he had the nerve to say “I’m sorry you had to do that”. Then there’s nights that he is expecting sex, he knows I want it, but when I go to get a shower first he’ll go straight to watching porn. then when I get out of the shower it’s the same thing. I get absolutely nothing from him. The last time this happened I knew how it was going to go, so I didn’t get overly excited. In fact I was rather bored and let it show and he said ” you look bored. You’re not enjoying this?” Of course I wasn’t! It was all for him again. I have tried to talk to him about it but it doesn’t do any good. He will “get upset with himself”, I do all the talking, he offers nothing so then when I have to bring it up again that he’s not even attempting to satisfy me he will just tell me “we’ve already had this discussion”. It just makes me feel worse. I have done everything I can think of to try to fix this. I have even watched what he watches and done the things that were in those videos to get his attention and still, nada. I have a high sex drive so I am always ready to go so I know that’s not the problem. It feels like sex is just me doing him favors anymore. I do something for him and when he’s done, that’s it. Or we’ll actually have sex, there’s no foreplay unless it’s for him, he goes til he gets off and that’s it. He knows this hurts me and why and how but he doesn’t seem to care. He says he does but his actions say he doesn’t. He tells me now if I want him to please me I have to climb up there and make him do it because he “never knows if I want him to pleasure me”. I can’t make him understand that I need him to show some interest in taking care of me once in awhile. Cuz right now I feel like he has none so why would I jump on him for it? I don’t feel like he cares about me or my feelings anymore. If this jumps around I am sorry. There’s just so much there. My problem with the porn is that he hides it from me when he knows there’s no need for it and excludes me sexually. I feel like once in awhile he uses me as a blow up doll. I initiate sex all the time but I never get anything out of it unless I do it myself since he refuses (of course he says he doesn’t refuse but he does)to touch me. Once he told me when he’s watching porn he looks at the womens bodies and watches the pleasure on their faces and I wonder, why would he prefer to watch that over watching the pleasure on his wifes face, knowing that HE did that? Why wouldn’t that turn him on? I give and give and give and he takes and takes and takes, then turns to porn to get even more and I am just left devestated. I love him more than anything in this world but I am so hurt by this that I am disgusted by him and I can’t see how he can tell me he loves me and mean it and call me his “beautiful sexy wife” and mean it. It all makes no sense to me. I feel so lonely, hurt, disgusted, torn, used, cheap, depressed. I don’t want to cheat on him and I don’t want to leave him, but I am so tired of having to take care of myself all the time while he’s being this way and not talking to me about it.

April 26, 2010 at 12:18 am
(463) Kellie says:

My husband pushed our 3 year-old daughter out of his office to continue to watch his pornographic movie, and she was trying to push the door back open when he slammed her fingers into the door and locked it. I could hear her screaming at the top of her lungs and watched her stomping her feet in pain because her fingers where smashed in the door. I kicked the door in and wanted to kill him for his sick behavior, but I did not leave, that was 6 years ago. April 12, 2010 I packed my car with clothes for my now 9-year-old daughter and me why; because, I walked in from work to our daughter watching a pornographic movie at the kitchen table on her fatherís computer. I was/ am to blame for not leaving him sooner. Our daughter does not yet understand exactly what she was watching and why it is so unhealthy for a 9 year-old. I suspect that those of you who think porn is o.k, and most of the women responding are bitter housewives will continue to believe that, but mainly I am a person deeply hurt by a family destroyed by porn.

April 26, 2010 at 12:25 am
(464) hopeful says:

I’m just going to say this. It’s not really about the porn, if the person that you want to be with is bothered by something so much that it is hurting her that you do it… stop. It doesn’t matter what it is. Porn isn’t a necessity, you will not die without it, so if it’s causing a problem in your marriage, change your habits. It’s called compromise. Women do a lot for the men that they are with. We try to make ourselves look nice so that you feel good to be with us. We take care of the house and the kids, we make dinner and wash your cloths. It’s not asking that much to change one habit if it hurts us that much.

April 30, 2010 at 6:19 pm
(465) jacob says:

wow… so many women here who are sooo caught up with stereotypes. Every woman on here is just spitting up what their parents told them about porn. You are soooooo repressed. To those women who watch porn, with or with out their man i applaud you!!! I watch porn, and every girlfriend i have had has either been fine with it or even watched porn herself.

porn is tearing you marriages apart because you let it. It is because you are making a problem out of it, and forcing you beliefs on your partner. you talk of respect and honor in marriage but are only thinkin of yourselves. what about respecting the fact that your partner enjoys porn? The problem is you women always are trying to change your partner, instead of changing yourself. you are the one with the problem not them.

on a side note whoever said they have a psych degree and said masturbation is not normal needs to shut the hell up because they clearly have no idea what they are talking about, and probably masturbated earlier in life without knowing what it was, and was then harshly rep-premanded by parents. Infants masturbate, they hump pillows, touch themselves, and even orgasm. If you had taken even the most basic of human sexuality classes you would have known this.

May 2, 2010 at 1:30 am
(466) Yesterday's Child says:

I am a realistic, practical, and faithful husband. I have been married over 15 years and have never cheated on my wife. I have never been abusive toward any woman in my life. I adore my wife and continuously give her affection and love- usually to the point where she tells me to knock it off. My wife and I have a healthy, fun sexual relationship. Now, let me tell you how it REALLY is:
1. 99% of guys masturbate and thatís life. Religious men try to suppress it for theological reasons and the rest try to suppress it because it can be a real time/money-waster.
2. The one percent of guys that donít masturbate are the men that women would not want to have a relationship with anyway.
3. If your man tells you he does not masturbate then he is lying his ass off.
4. Most guys masturbate just because they love to look at women. It’s also easy and it feels good. Thatís it. No hidden agenda. No hatred of women. No need to dominate women. No need to ďvent stress and frustration.Ē
5. Men get irritated when you ask them to quit because (right or wrong) we are biologically geared to look at, salivate over, desire, and love women. We get hostile when we are asked to remove or change even one facet of this paradigm, especially one that we have been doing repeatedly for years. Asking a man to stop masturbating is overwhelming to him, so he automatically gets defensive.
6. Masturbation and marital sexual interest ARE NOT related. A husband masturbating does not mean he does not love and want sex from his wife. A man who does not show sexual interest in his wife will have no more interest if he stops masturbating.
7. No woman should feel threatened by a porn star. Any sane man knows that porn stars are not realistic depictions of women. Only an idiot would ever expect a “real everyday” woman to be like a porn star. Most men can accept the fact that porn is just ďshow-biz.Ē
8. As sex drive winds down so does the occurrence of masturbation- so like everything else, masturbation is not forever
9. If porn is causing turmoil in your marriage, then it is just one of many problems your marriage already has and you need to address those problems as well…

I consider myself to be a pretty good husband and these really are the truths. If just one lady reads this and it helps then this posting was worth it.

May 2, 2010 at 1:43 am
(467) Charlie Mac says:

To Yesterdays child- Very well put and true. Thank you

May 2, 2010 at 7:43 pm
(468) ALS says:

Since I was 23 years old, I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I am 44 now, and, yet again, I find myself in love with a man who looks at pornography.

The first time I discovered I was being “supplemented” by pornography, I was 23 years old. Some of the models in the magazines were older than me! The marriage split up for a hundred other reasons, but what hurt me the most was knowing I had not been enough–for years!! I was very, very hurt when I discovered the hundreds of magazines (some 5 years old), but I was told “looking at porn is what married guys do to keep from cheating on their wives”. I couldn’t help wondering what was wrong with me, physically, sexually, whatever, at 18 years old??

I have this personal mantra I live by: I call it the “common denominator” theory. If something that I can’t explain happens with one person–could be them, not me. If it happens again–same thing, same situation, but different person and still can’t be explained–I am the common denominator–it has something to do with me.

So, when the pornography use reared its ugly head in my second marriage… can I just say I was devastated? There are no words to describe the gut wrenching pain caused by such a betrayal. My husband knew about the past, he knew about the problems I had overcoming the feelings of ugliness and doubt. And he did the same thing–over and over again. That marriage broke up, too. . for a hundred other reasons.

Now, present day: I’m in love, again, with my high school sweetheart–my first true love. I will cut the chase–but know that the relationship has been physically and emotionally fulfilling as far has I can tell. Anyway, I discovered that he had been looking at pornography regularly for the entire 6 months we were together–including between our online chat conversations before he moved to the state where I live. Here’s a man I haven’t seen in 27 years. We were in love when we were teenagers and we got our second chance. I was apprehensive, to say the least, about how I would be accepted by the man that last saw my 17 year old body–not my 43 year old one! Everything seemed great and it came crashing down when I discovered some files on the computer…

now, 4 months after the confrontation… I still have doubts, I still feel inadequate, I still feel old…

May 6, 2010 at 9:49 pm
(469) Heidi says:

First off I dont think porn is bad. But when your husband would rather watch that then talk or go out with you. Thats wrong. And the only reason he wants sex from you is becouse of watching porn. I’ve been dealing with that for about six years now. I dont know what to do.

May 10, 2010 at 11:18 am
(470) shell says:

I am 25 years old, been married 4 years, and with him for 10 years. We have both only been with eachother. I have always suffered from low self-esteem so when he looks at porn it literally makes my heart hurt. He normally only looks at it once in a blue moon, so when I walked in on him recently, I tried to play it cool. I talked to him about it and said that as long as he continues to do it only once in a while, I would try my best to be accepting of it. This is a BIG step for me and it took major courage. I told him I just need reassurance from him that he doesn’t prefer porn over me and that he’s not doing it because he doesn’t like the way I look, etc. He gave me those assurances that day and things seemed okay. I even suggested that some people say they like watching porn together but he didnt like that idea. Keep in mind through all of this that I give him sex whenever and wherever he wants… always have… thinking this would keep him away from porn for the most part. Sometimes I make him work for it, but I always give in and we are decently adventurous. It usually works, but since our talk hes gone from watching it once a month to 3-4 times a week! I tried to ask him about why hes doing it so much now and he wont talk about it with me and doesnt care at all about how it makes me feel. He says “it has nothing to do with me.” That one hurt alot. How can his sex life have nothing to do with me??? I feel myself not wanting to have sex with him because my feelings are so hurt about him not even giving me the time of day to talk about it. Not talking about it is building more insecurities and putting a wedge between us. Im such a happy person, but all I feel like doing is crying. Im not trying to be dramatic… I just can’t overcome this on my own and he wont help me. Why this sudden change? I FEEL like he’s doing it more just to spite me or hurt me, but I tell myself thats not true. I don’t want some man responding telling me that porn is healthy for relationships and I’m being unreasonable… its not always heathly and I don’t think Im the one being unreasonable when he wont even talk to me. please give me truely helpful insights.

May 12, 2010 at 5:34 pm
(471) Starr says:

I think it’s fair for a husband to look at porn, or a wife…however, my husband and I look at porn, just not together.
I have seen some horrific porn. (and yes, I mean that in a bad way.) The things they instruct women (and girls) to do in pornography is absolutely abuse.
I saw one recently and got sick to my stomach. A man was slapping a woman repeatedly in the face after pushing her head down on his penis to the point of vomiting. Her eyes were watering and her nose was dripping snot…and he kept pushing her down on him, gagging her.
Then he pulls her off and the cameraman instructs her to smile, then for the man to slap her hard in the face. He slaps her about 4 times and she begins crying.
You hear the cameraman say, “Oh, sweetie, why are you crying? Are they happy tears?” and she smiles and begins to gag and cry more…and then she composes herself and smiles again, between tears and gags.
Someone tell me this should be legal.
Someone tell me this is what men (WHO could watch that?) jerk off to. It’s HORRIBLE.
I know that most porn isn’t that, but I’ve encountered quite a bit that’s violent and awful.
I have 2 daughters and cannot help but think that that girl is someone’s daughter.
If my husband were to watch THAT kind of porn, I’d have to admit I couldn’t handle it. I would leave.
Porn encompasses a WIDE range from funny to evil, and it’s all pretty degrading to women.
Women and men especially should respect women more.

May 14, 2010 at 12:22 am
(472) learnfromexperience says:

well…like every other debate and views about LIFE, RELATIONSHIPS, LOVE, RESPECT, ACCEPTABLE FOR WHO?, UNACCEPTABLE 4 WHO? ETC. ALL N’ ALL IT ALL COMES DOWN TO…WILL YOUR MARRIAGE SURVIVE?…I THINK…(and I really really don’t care what others think…), as long as I care what I think of me…I come from a great family, great values and beliefs, I am religious and grew up going to sunday school and bible camp and it was great, and I will never stop believing, or worshiping. It is very important to maintain yourself spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally, anyone of these off balance will create a ripple effect the rest..I strongly disagree with anyone who judges based on what other think…that sooo naive and I guess in need of knowledge and or experience of some sort. I have a wonderful marriage, 3 children ranging in ages, I am well educated, and I always like to be open to knowledge, and love easy going people, I have a vast friendships ranging from different ethnic backgrounds, different religions, to rich, to the homeless, young and old, female, male, and love them all the same. my husband and I have an amazing, healthy relationship…even when it comes to the bedroom…we got it all, tools, fun, excitement, and have to at least once a day…I guess to comment on porn…I’m the one that likes to watch it, try it, and he thinks its great…SOO MY COMMENT IS…DON’T KNOCK IT, UNTIL YOU TRY IT…AND MAYBE YOU’LL HAVE AS MUCH BALANCE AS I DO…THANK YOU…AND I HOPE YOU ALL FIND PEACE WITHIN YOURSELVES…

May 20, 2010 at 1:43 pm
(473) vahlaria says:

I actualy took the time to ready a few years worth of comments. Wow, what garbage we spew out when we project huh?

Not every woman “lets herself go, and looks like a cow.” Seriously, just because your wife, your friends wives, or what ever have, doesn’t mean we’re all like that.
Not every woman has kids. Seriously, some of us can’t.
Not every woman looses her libido; I’m 39 and have the same sex drive I did as a teen. There is never too much for me.
Not every woman makes her man make the first move. Heck, I’ve been making the first move for eight out of our nine year marriage. Guy who I dated; sorry I didn’t realize what a buzz kill that is.
Not every woman refuses to experiment. I can’t think of much I haven’t done. (gutter meet mind..no animals. Thank you.)
Not every woman forgets to how to dress sexy. I have more heals than anything else.
The point is, it’s not always the woman’s fault. What do you do when you are doing everything right, and nothing works?
I don’t even have a problem with porn, I just don’t get why he lies about it. Makes no sense to me, but it’s his choice to lie, and I have no control over his head.
I don’t even have a problem with his masturbating, and get it’s easier. However when it interfears with our sex life when I’d love a quickie, yea Im going to get ticked.

For years he told me he had a low libido, and I believed it. Until one day I realized he was looking at porn and taking care of himself, while asking me to wait for him…for weeks. He has a control issue.

He would sit back, watch me cry, get stressed, beg, and then tell me it was his body, go into the bathroom and take care of business.

When I had proof, he did the “you aren’t as into it anymore.” Ok, so when a few months later he got laid off, he took four months off. I proved to him how over sexed I was.

Then came the “im an addict,” line. Is it true? Maybe, maybe not, however it was so easy for him to stop, so I sort of think this wasn’t true as well.

He still uses masturbation as a way to avoid having sex with me at times, seems to need looking at porn before sex, and now drinking.

Have I let myself go in any way? No, he still gets turned on by me. Does he love me? Yes I know he does, and he is my best friend. We love doing things together.

However, as I said before, he has control issues. He needs to always be right, can’t admit when he’s wrong, and is overweight.

He is 5 7, and weighs 230lbs. What is his real problem? Having real sex tires him out. It hurts him, he’s afraid of hurting me, he’s embarassed of himself, and has security issues. None of these things my husband will ever admit to.

Seriously women, this issue only has something to do with you if you are a pile of blubber (either you are or you arent) or so nasty to him god himself wouldn’t want to spend time with you. That can be all to common, but those people rarely get on the net to seek help.

Is your man balding? Getting old? Over weight? Is he still confident like he used to be? Financial trouble? Depression? These things will man any man or woman for that matter avoid sex. Seriously. Avoiding sex is a symptom more than not, not the problem. Figure out what his thing is, and quietly help him. Or get him to counseling.

May 25, 2010 at 8:08 am
(474) Anon says:

The porn thing is generally an issue for women, most guys know that and that’s why they don’t tend to include it in the daily ‘Hi honey – guess what I did today’ conversation! I know that and I look at online porn. Why? Because I need a release once in a while and it’s a free and easy stimulant.

I use it because my sex life is virtually non-existent after 22 years of marriage, it’s been that way for a long time. Online porn didn’t cause it to be that way, children didn’t cause it either, just old fashioned familiarity, boredom, mismatched sexual appetites and an unbalanced sexual equation (I enjoy it; she doesn’t) – so we don’t do it very often.

We’re in our mid to late forties – do I find my wife attractive – are you kidding – I could eat her alive but I’ve always felt that way about her. Is that reciprocal, I somehow doubt it -
‘tolerated’ is about as good as I get.

I don’t feel proud about using porn, it’s degrading and involves real and often damaging exploitation of women. I suppose there’s a degree of addiction in there but it’s instinct driven and perhaps we’re animals after all. I don’t advertise it, I don’t do it when she or anyone else is around, I’m selective and I don’t leave traces on the PC for the kids to find. Does that make it OK? Probably not, Do I wish I could get off this hamster wheel situation? Every day – but I’m working on it. It takes time – I just hope I have enough left to conquer this and make a difference.

What guys who do this need is honesty and support. If you can say to us that you dislike something we do but that it doesn’t change your feelings – that takes real courage. You know when your kids really piss you off and you hear yourself tell them you how much you love them but you hate what they just did or said because it made you feel upset or hurt or angry?

Try that on your old man, give him a few unsolicited old-fashioned cuddles and hugs – don’t let cuddles turn into sex if you don’t want them to. It might bring you closer and remind him of what he is missing.

I know what I’m missing – but I’m still waiting for that unsolicited hug!

I wish all previous posters luck with their situations and I hope it ends well for you.

June 5, 2010 at 8:47 pm
(475) Contortion says:

What if a husbands addiction isn’t what ruins the marriage? What if a wife is so hurt by the idea that a husband would have desires for something other than her that she drove him to divorce. What if he struggled with getting rid of pornography all his life the way many decide to quit smoking or drinking only to find that his spouse took it personnally every time he did it and turned a minor struggle into catastrophe? What if I read more articles entitled “My wife’s obsession with my porn addiction ruined my marriage?”

June 7, 2010 at 8:00 pm
(476) betsy says:

Betsy
i just found out that my godly husband of almost 30 years has been cheating on me and watching porn on his computer. he admitted he does it while i’m gone. 2 hours at a time!! now what do i do? he says he’s sorry and won’t do it again, but he has said that before. so, what i want to know is how often do men go back to porn when they swear to their devistated wife that they won’t? can any one help me wiht this? i need to know if i can trust him? he’s not the man i married and now having sex with him is the grosest thing i can think of as i know he’ll be in his mind looking at all those women he’s been viewing. i feel dead inside and don’t know if i can ever be alive again.

June 9, 2010 at 5:41 pm
(477) Hope says:

Jesus’s standard is high. Lust is lust. The devil is working hard. Please listen to me. Stop hurting God and your spouses with this evil. Stop now before it is too late.

June 21, 2010 at 10:10 pm
(478) Rachael says:

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. During the first 3 we split many times over porn, his lying about it and the hurt it caused me. 16 years later I realize that from the begining I should have interviened in a different way. I understand now that my husband is VERY visual, he enjoys looking, is drawn to it and can not help himself, similar to the way an alcoholic or drug addict is drawn to their addiction.
The truth is, no matter who’s body part it is, your husband or boyfriend will be hot to look at it, so why not make it yours? Especially now with picture text message, and digital camera, there is no reason why the naked woman your significant other is looking at can’t be you. It’s private, it’s intimate, and the sharing is beyond any expierence, there’s no shame and the truth of it is, it may excite you to, to see your husband hot and panting over you.
I only put this out there to save someone else the grief that I myself endured, because at the end of the day, porn addiction or no, he is still the man I love and cherish, only now instead of dropping hundreds of dollars on porn magazines and movies, it’s never further than a text away.

June 22, 2010 at 7:56 pm
(479) juicey girl says:

what if a wife watch it

June 23, 2010 at 9:24 am
(480) Forsaken..... says:

I am going through this now, Have been for a very long time. My husband lies about it! He told me it is a way that a married man can cheat on his wife without actually cheating on her.Wow that made me feel horrible. He says he is stopping, yea that was unil two days ago. I am so sick of it. I can not talk to my friends or family. All the reseach I find says “block it” OMG he is a supposed to be a man… f**** stop. WHy get married if you can not be loyal? Forsake all others!!!! I do!!I I love him, despise his actions. I am not ugly, or fat… we are very active in our love life.. so why??? I have been told low self esteem… and yet I pay for that??
Any words of wisdom???
can only hope that one day all of this happens to them. Sad I know.

June 30, 2010 at 1:07 pm
(481) cara1018 says:

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, and together for almost 5 years. When we first met we were 19 years old. I didn’t at first know about him watching porn, but learned shortly after we started dating. I told him my feelings about him watching it and he said he would try to stop watching it as often. He would watch porn up to 2 or 3 times a day (depending on what he had to do that day). During our 3 years of dating before we were married, he had decreased the amount of porn he watched. I just thought that it was okay, since we weren’t living together, if he watched it on days/nights when we weren’t together. Well, now we’re married. Though his porn-watching has decreased from multiple times a day to a few times a week, it still hurts me. We talk about it and talk about it. I’ve attempted to watch it with him, but it doesn’t do anything for me. I think porn is so silly and ugly. And it hurts me to think that he gets off to it. I work at home now, and yet he’ll still watch porn when he comes home from work. I’ve asked him to come out and talk to me instead when he feels like watching it, and he agreed, but sometimes he still hides in the bathroom with his itouch. I’ve asked him to tell me when he watches it (hoping that that would be too embarrassing for him, so he wouldn’t watch it) but he doesn’t tell me. When I ask him if he’s watched porn, he’ll tell me yes and when — but I know sometimes he doesn’t tell me all the times he watches it. He tells me he’s sorry and is trying not to. But I’ve been with him for 5 years and he’s been trying for 5 years to stop — why is it so hard for him?

I know he loves me and I love him more than anything. But I can’t help feel disgusted with him. And hurt that he has to look at other women. I don’t mind him masturbating, and he knows that. He can masturbate in the shower if he wants to – I don’t care. It’s when he does it while watching porn that I mind.

Maybe it’s because I can’t understand. I can’t put myself in his shoes. I can’t imagine anyone else giving me what he does. I know that our sex drives are different. But, I do believe that it’s him being selfish. He’s not thinking about me when he watches porn, he’s thinking about himself and gratifying himself.

Porn is selfish. And it hurts feelings.

July 9, 2010 at 11:36 am
(482) Disgusted and Confused says:

Got married after hunting for Mr Right, married the man who chased me for 5 years/….. only to come to realise that his porn habit is a parallel life for him no matter how much it hurt me and also that in the first year of marriage we made love or whtever its called once in a month at the max.

Left home, got a marriage counsellor involved … he went once, i went once.. he said it would improve.. it did. for 2 weeks and porn resurfaced in hidden files on the machine.

If he’s ok with porn why did he chase me for 4 years ? Why do I have to live with him … I hate this situation. he is 36 now. Its been a 2 yr marriage and am thinking of divorce.

Tell me Im wrong ? ??
Reading another comment above, I can empathise with the lady who married twice and had the same problem… Scares me,

I want a family too, but I cant think of carrying the child from a man who masturbates to other women …who at my prime doesnt want me. I dont want to be pregnant with a life and feel unwanted and take any drastic steps…

So whats the solution ?

July 13, 2010 at 5:39 pm
(483) Beentheredonethat says:

I went through the porn battle for 10 years. In my case, my now ExHusband wouldn’t stop viewing porn. He hid it from me, I cried and begged for him to stop. I made it clear that I felt cheated on. Every situation is different. Every person is different. Every relationship is different. I think porn is wrong. He didn’t think porn was wrong. He wouldn’t change so I tried to change myself. I tried watching it with him. But it didn’t help my feelings on it. I still hated it. I am thin, and pretty, and would wear cute little outfits and heals all the time. He eventually laid it all out one night when I bought a sexy, skanky outfit and did a lapdance for him. He wasn’t interested in me. He needed a new face to look at. He needed variety. Porn wasn’t doing it for him anymore. He need other women and wanted my permission to cheat. I gave him permission upon signing divorce papers. Some men need to stay single.

So after the divorce, I met a new guy. I let him know up front my views on the issue. That I can’t be committed to someone who uses porn. He was single and used porn. He heard my sob story, and quit using porn. We got married and we’ve been together for 3 years now. Just had a baby. He doesn’t look at porn. He is in the military, I might add. We went through a deployment, and he didn’t use porn. Our marriage is important to him, so he stopped. He doesn’t think its wrong to use porn, but out of love and respect for me, he doesn’t do it.

Women don’t understand why men do it. Men don’t understand why women think its bad. (Not all women see it as bad, I know) But I explained it this way once:

Men are visually stimulated. Seeing a naked, sexy girl will make him excited and horny. I happen to be stimulated by touch. Touch the side of my face and whisper “I love you” and I’m ready to get busy. What would my husband do if I invited a man into our house to turn me on first before having sex? I have foreplay with a stranger and when I’m all ready, I turn to my husband and say,”okay I’m ready for you now, lets do it.” When I asked my husband this question, he finally understood my point of view. Hence, the absence of porn in our lives now.

Men: if you really love your wives, you won’t look at porn if it bothers them. If you do, you have no self control and are selfish….OR you don’t really love her. If you do love her and you just can’t help yourself, get help. There are plenty of ways to get help. If you have time to view porn, you certainly have time to seek help.

July 15, 2010 at 12:49 pm
(484) Steve says:

I think starting any conversation with “If you love me, you’ll (fill in the blank)” is the height of selfishness. Essentially, you’re asking your partner to change who they are to placate your own insecurity. Good luck with that.

July 21, 2010 at 2:33 am
(485) Mandy says:

Alrighty….I want a man’s opinion on this, simply because I already know what every woman out there will say (she’ll say exactly what’s going through my head, I want another point of view—or a few!). What about when you’re sexy and young with a crazy high sex drive? My husband is the first man I’ve ever known who doesn’t take advantage of that fact… I’m very open to experimentation and everything, I’m good looking, clean, healthy, and constantly horny—-so why does he need to look at pictures of photo shopped naked chicks? He knows I’m not ok with it, he knows it hurts me. It just sucks that some girl in a photo is taking his pleasure away from me. What are ways to try to get him off of it? Is it something he’ll eventually grow out of? Ughh….it’s so frustrating :( . He told me when we first got married that masturbating would be selfish because it would take away from our sex lives together, and now it doesn’t even seem to matter. We were having sex like bunnies (3 to 5 times a day) about two weeks ago, and all of a sudden the place is swarming with porn and weíre down to probably 2 to 3 times a week. What is the issue here?

July 22, 2010 at 9:29 am
(486) numb says:

wow, first let me thank everyone who has taken their time to comment on this topic. It makes me very hopeful that i might find some sort of enlightenment from someone…that being said…I’m 4 months pregnant, married to my love going on 7 years, and a great mother to our,(my)daughter and,(his)3 kids. to make a long story short, for those who have seen “She’s out of my league”, I was his 10. Through the years we enjoyed watching porn together occasionally, no problems or neg. feelings towards it. My man worked evenings for the first couple years and I used to lay in bed restless for hours desiring and excited for him to finally get home so I could ‘get me some’ Sex was amazing then I knew how much he loved and desired me…Then he started being out til 3 4 just ‘hanging out’ drinking some beer with his buddies. I still felt like his “10″ but, he stopped the foreplay, the neck kissing, all those things that enhanced our sexual relationship he stopped paying attention to me. He hasn’t even realized that 95% of the time I don’t get off anymore. There’s not 1 time of sex that doesn’t began with me giving oral him pleasure for 5-10 mins. sometimes before he’s finally ready to have sex, then the whole time all he talks about is how much he wants and likes oral and on and on…it makes me feel real bad, though i’m not sure if it should, so i keep it all in kinda. he loves watching pornos way more then he used to, so much that for a long while he would always put one on to get all horny then have sex with me but still be watching the damn porno. I started feeling so uncomfortable and disgusting that I’d have to force myself through fighting back tears just to get through the sex. (I can count on 1 hand the amount of times in our relationship that he’s returned oral pleasure, and never not once has he ever pleasured me without him getting off too by having sex with me, though, many a time I have for him) I don’t know what to do or think or feel cause I know having emotions envolved makes it difficult to logically figure things out. I don’t know what all this means to him. I don’t know if it’s me, him, or a little of both. But, what I do know is that I am lucky to feel like his “3″ now days…and those sad issues mixed with being pregnant and emotional is getting to be more that I can handle. ANY have any thoughts?

July 25, 2010 at 8:32 am
(487) jnd29 says:

I am 29 and in a situation simular. My bf and I dont have much of a sex life. My boyfriend is military and served in iraq. He says he suffers from ptsd and doesnt have much of a sex drive because of that. Ive been understandng and never tried to pressure him or make him feel bad about it. But he has a playboy subscription and a stack of porn videos. Ive told them how much it bothers me and given our situation feel it inappropriate. When we first started dating I found he was on all kinds of porn sites and even paid for some. Ive put the magazines and vidoes away and now how found he was watching on his phone that i pay for. He says he doesnt masterbate just watches and was first time in a long time. He knows how it hurts me and how i feel about our lack of sex and his interest in other things. He tells me everyone does it and im over reacting and made to feel like I shouldnt feel the way i do. Thoughts??

July 30, 2010 at 8:26 am
(488) Certainly not a desperate house wife says:

If it makes you feel bad its wrong! Men may be visual, but men who are in a relationship should not engage in porn. Single men, go for it. They have no one to hurt. Married men have no business watching porn, and subjecting their wives to being hurt, feeling embarrassed, or becoming self-conscience. It is selfish act and there is no excuse. It is disgusting to think of your husband getting enjoyment out of watching some other man getting pleasure from a nasty female/male. Whatever type they may be watching. If someone wishes to spend his or her time engaging in porn, don’t get married. It is selfish to put your husband or wife through the emotional turmoil.

If your wives tells you that it hurts her feelings, shouldn’t you stop? I mean, pull your big boy pants up and be a man. Take care of your family like you are suppose to, and stop be selfish!

I can not stand people that make porn. Why do they feel the need to perform such a private act publically?

July 30, 2010 at 12:38 pm
(489) Elyse says:

I have always felt that Porn was wrong. I had been in situations and treated in such ways, that anything that I find degrading to women just disgusting. I was raped at a young age, and felt defiled and disgusted with myself, because I wanted to be married before my first sexual encounter. I had visualized the big happy wedding and everything. Later in life, I was with a man who I thought would be a good man. I found that he watched porn, but forgave him under the condition that it never happened again. I found out later that he was distributing drugs.. mortified, I left him… only to return again later because I found out I was pregnant for him and felt it was wrong to have a child without a father. He began beating me and forcing me into ‘Angry sex’… and the icing on the cake was that as well as watching porn, and selling drugs, he was cheating on me as well. He was trading drugs for sex… I left him, and vowed never to compromise my beliefs for anyone ever again.

Two years later I met the man of my dreams. Honest and hardworking… He really seemed like a good guy, though he is much older than me and he has been married 3 times, where as I have never been. I found underage porn on his computer one day, and threatened to leave him… I think that is the most foul and disturbing thing ever. He admitted that he ‘used’ to watch porn until he met me, but said that the video I had found was not his, that it must have been downloaded by his 17 year-old-son. I was upset… but forgave him, but told him that if I ever found out he was doing it again, I would leave him. Since then I have moved in with him and we’ve had what I thought to be a loving-porn-free relationship. I did feel uncomfortable about one thing though – He never wants to have sex. He insists that he is too tired or stressed. I’ve just learned not even to ask. Once in a blue moon he will want it… but only early in the morning, and usually when I don’t. I am now about 7 months pregnant for him, I am tired and achy and not nearly as attractive as I was before I concieved… but my sex drive is definatly there and he knows it. Last night, he came home, said he had a ton of work to do and sat at his computer. He works alot… so we have little time together… I waited up for him until I couldn’t any more, then passed out. I woke up in a panic, because I remembered that I needed to wash his outfit for work the next day… then I noticed he was nowhere to be seen. I walked into the other room… and saw him watching porn on his huge TV in the living room.

I felt betrayed, disgusted, broken… like I had been cheated on. I cried all that night, and all of this morning. He said that he only watched it to try and get ‘it’ to function so he could make love to me… but outside the fact that that is a load of crap, why would anyone want to sleep with someone who got it up thinking about some other woman? He cried and admitted to screwing up… he’s begging me not to leave… but all of that faith and trust in him I had is just gone. I can’t even look at him the same. He was my hero… the perfect man I had been looking for all my life… and now I just see him as every other guy… I wish I knew what to do.

July 31, 2010 at 9:18 pm
(490) mac says:

I am a male with a pretty healthy sexual appetite I guess. I do watch porn, but only because I get tired of being told “no” by my wife. I don’t actually fantasize about having relations with the women on the screen and actually like it when they look similar to my wife. She recently caught me and now is very upset. I know I hurt her, but she holds all the cards when it comes to sex. If she doesn’t want it, it doesn’t happen. I know she tries and I appreciate how much she’s opened up, but less than once a week is not enough. She’s tired or doesn’t feel well so it’s not her fault is all I get. Unfortunately that does not satisfy my “itch”. I know that sounds pretty selfish, but I would like to feel like I have some say in our sexual relations.

August 4, 2010 at 3:45 pm
(491) Jason says:

Anything that substitutes intimate (emotional and physical) relations with your spouse is bad for a marriage. Unfortunately, the focus on porn often, if not usually, masks other problems.

Several years ago, we had a lovely neighbor who always struck me as lonely. One day she fessed up to my wife that she was a “scouting” widow–her husband was so into hunting and outdoors things that he would not only go to every opening hunt weekend, he got himself in charge of the boy scouts for our church and constantly went camping with them.

She puts up with it because they have kids and we were all members of a religion where divorce was treated very harshly. However, porn is also seen as a Big Issue and if she caught her husband looked at any porn, I could see her using that as the reason to justify a separation or divorce

And I wouldn’t really blame her–as I said, in our religion porn has been places up next to adultery. Unfortunately, a man wanting more sex than his wife is also seen as fundamental sinful and women are taught from an early age that within already conservative bounds, what they see as sexually normal is and anything else is abuse.

When my wife and I met, she was very affectionate. We remained virgins until our wedding day, but talked about sex and what our expectations were. I told her openly that I occasionally looked at Playboy and she said that it didn’t bother her.

On our wedding night, she turned frigid. She put everything but missionary and her on top (but only when SHE wanted it) off limits. And I mean everything. In the late 90s, she started opening up more and getting more comfortable with her sexuality and then eight years ago, she turned off. We would go months without sex and when we had it, she would just lie there.

She rejected me so often and acted so apathetic, I started having ED problems. Yet, every now and then for a short period of time, she becomes quite sexual, though still in a very conservative way.

A few months ago, out of the blue, she accused me of being a porn addict and told several of her friends and even a joint friend. The irony is that while I do occasionally watch porn or look at naked ladies (which isn’t porn), I’m in no way addicted and what viewing I do is inversely proportionate to how often we have genuinely intimate relations. Interesting thing is I told her that and she dropped it.

Here’s the irony; in the past she’s enjoyed several soap operas and some TV shows with erotic elements and I could tell when one of those elements were on–didn’t bother me in the slightest since not only would we have sex, but we’d actually make love and it would be passionate (not her just lying there, criticizing me for not doing it just the way she wanted.)

In addition, she’s been extremely involved in twittering, girl scouts, her crafts, several message boards concerning an unnamed pop star. It would be easy for me to blame all of those things for our lack of sex, but they are only proxies.

On top of all this, my wife has exploded from 5’2″ and a healthy 135 lbs. to 220 lbs.. This has sapped her libido, makes her more tired than she should be and is having serious health effects that she is entirely ignoring. She does NOTHING about her weight and sometimes even brags to that’s she’s proud she does nothing.

After much introspection and study, I’ve concluded that my wife has a serious personality disorder and that ALL these issues are side issues. I’ve concluded that she hates sex and hates my sexuality. She uses her weight to push me away and make herself unattractive on purpose. She also nags, criticizes in ways that are arguably emotionally abusive. I try talking to her and she goes hysterical and accuses me of being manipulative (and a porn addict.)

My entire point isn’t to make anyone feel sorry for me, but to emphasize that porn may be an entirely side issue to the real problems in a relationship. It may also be a wife or girlfriend avoiding facing their culpability in relationship problems.

And for all you women who complain about their men looking at naked ladies, when’s the last time you went to a movie and got a little turned on by a movie star? Or you went to a restaurant and had a handsome waiter pay you a compliment and you blushed? Be very careful about hypocrisy.

Also think about how you and your husband are affectionate. Do you often reject him? Do you make jokes about him being “oversexed”? Do you become critical in bed thinking you’re helping him? When’s the last time you made love where all you worried about was his sexual satisfaction?

Finally, if this is an issue with you, talk to him calmly. This is where a marriage counselor may help; not as a solver per se, but as a mediator. I’ve not only been at the receiving end of a “conversation” which is nothing more than berating me, I’ve seen way too many women do the same thing.

I’m really bothered by how many women, including my own wife, instinctively respond to any criticism with “you’re just putting this on me.” Often with the codicil “you’re just trying to justify yourself.” This is almost always very hypocritical and extremely vain. Even if you are perfect, it is hypocritical to demand that you be honest with your mate, but not allow them to be honest in return. I see a whole lot of that going on here.

August 4, 2010 at 10:42 pm
(492) Jonny the Boss says:

to #488, Certainly not a desperate house wife:

Finally we have someone who came here to enlighten us poor souls what marriage should be, and what it should not be! And you know what? We just recently got rid of a bunch of people who told everyone else how they should live their lives. You know, you’re not really different from Taliban who forced everyone to follow their beliefs just because they thought it was right.

Truth is, everyone’s marriage is different. Some people in relationship should not engage in sex with lights on, and for some it is perfectly fine to have a threesome with a stranger once a week. If you are so insecure that you need constant attention and validation from your spouse, and get depressed when not 100% of his attention is focused on you, you have self-esteem problems. Don’t blame porn, go talk to a psychologist.

August 7, 2010 at 3:40 pm
(493) Brenda says:

I have been with my man for almost 15 years and he never initiates sex with me, NEVER. He is addicted to lesbian internet porn and has been for years. About 9 years ago I found lots of X rated girlie pics on his computer and confronted him about it and, he admited it was wrong. Soon after though, I caught him viewing lesbian videos, plus he has made serveral remarks about hom much it turns him on (all of which hurt me, of course) Once I aloud him to view lesbian porn, while I performed oral, but I did NOT LIKE IT. It was at HIS request. I told him I didn’t like it and that if he wanted to watch regular girl/guy porn, I’d be ok with it. The problem is, he ONLY likes to watch girls. That is the part that hurts me the most. I put that together with the part that that he never initiates sex with me and to me that = it’s time to move on. He’s had two previous affairs that I stupidly forgave hime for, as well. Why doesn’t he just leave? Guess people just get comfortable with each other even if they stop loving them :-(

August 8, 2010 at 3:43 am
(494) Thomas says:

Firstly I’d like to say that some of you people are extremely repressed. I am a 27 year old god fearing man from the south, and of all the girls I have dated not one has had a problem with pornography.

Pornography is one of those things that you should hide from your children, but among consenting adults, especially one the one you will be with until death do you part, there should be no need to hide.

Maybe you ladies should stop blaming your husbands and start to take a look at yourselves and your control issues. The issue is not that your husbands are looking at pornography, the issue is that you are making a big deal out of nothing.

I hope you all are able to find a common ground.

August 9, 2010 at 11:56 am
(495) imran says:

well i watched pron since my teens ,after marriage i hardly watch pron that too when my wife is away for few weeks etc -i must say its a addiction – i watched sex technique videos with my wife and she enjoyed that videos -it was not like pron – i feel that women are more comfortable with normal sex scenes or very light pron ,not a dirty stuff -also i don’t like my wife to watch pron with me -i am comfortable watching light sex scenes from love movies etc – in sexual drive i think i never have a problem with pron – with my wife even i don’t think for a moment about pron stars etc or movies – i must say pron is not a good thing -my research shows that pron effect your behavior in many ways -the way you look at women from sexual point of view is one of them

August 10, 2010 at 3:13 am
(496) chou says:

Hi, something men and women need to know. It’s testesterone that dominate sexual desire and try to find ways to resolve the tension. Males are 20 times Concentration of females, besides, Hypothalamic, which is the center of emotions, anger, and sexual dominance, males are 2-2.5 time of females. If you don’t know these differences, you’ll never know why your man are so much interesting in sex, why he can do it rightly without any preparation, but for you, you are a slow cooker.

Besides all of these, the reasons why males are so crazy about sex are, there are three ultimate desire in men’s heart: a beauty, adventurous, and fighting (ladies, please don’t panic, sexual activities should be romantic, sharing, cooperate by two of you, why fighting?) Because for males, sexual activities including conquer, that’s how you can tell by his hard work in your “play”. Yes, by the different of natures, I can say that a wife is really hard to “satisfied” his husband (periods, headache-men rarely do, this is caused by hormone), and she “got” to finished all things before enjoy sex. not mention that there are many times they fight for kids, money, in laws, and lots of emotional issues, lots of husband went to bed with sexual dissatisfaction. For males, depends on age differences, they want to have sex from twice a day (at early 20s) to 2-3 times a week at 50. Unfortunatelly, very unfortunatelly, once a week for women may be even too much, they probably lose sexual appetite after 50, what about his needs? Very hard.

Females have different needs compare to male, the communication. They use both side to communite while males only left side, emotions, relationships located at right brain. So, when she is not well, she would not do it.

Conclusion. Males are sex beggers, women are relationship beggers, they are opposinte to each other, so they need to try to satisfied each other. The best way to do it is, first, they need to know their strengths and weaknesses, and try to fullfill for each other’s needs. This is just like the picture of Ying Yang, the biggest part of Ying is against the smallest part of Yang, vice versa. Husband needs to fullfill wife’s needs in communication, and wife needs to fullfill husband’s needs. while both of their needs are fullfilled, we can imagine they will be much willing to satisfied each other’s needs.

How crazy can men’s sexual desire and needs are fullfilled? It’s terrible but it’s truth (and, really, not a single wife can satisfied him, if there’s no morale). Guess.

Please check out the info below, you’ll be shocked! and really know why homo don’t really want to get married. there was only one homo marriage certificate issued from Jan, 1, 2007 to June 24, 2007, they don’t really need a certificate, just look at the following studies:

Comparing the Lifestyles of Homosexual Couples to Married Couples, by: Timothy J. Dailey, Ph. D.

Male Homosexuals
Research indicates that the average male homosexual has hundreds of sex partners in his lifetime:
∑ The Dutch study of partnered homosexuals, which was published in the journal AIDS, found that men with a steady partner had an average of eight sexual partners per year.[12]
∑ Bell and Weinberg, in their classic study of male and female homosexuality, found that 43 percent of white male homosexuals had sex with 500 or more partners, with 28 percent having one thousand or more sex partners.[13]
∑ In their study of the sexual profiles of 2,583 older homosexuals published in the Journal of Sex Research, Paul Van de Ven et al. found that “the modal range for number of sexual partners ever [of homosexuals] was 101-500.” In addition, 10.2 percent to 15.7 percent had between 501 and 1,000 partners. A further 10.2 percent to 15.7 percent reported having had more than one thousand lifetime sexual partners.[14]
∑ A survey conducted by the homosexual magazine Genre found that 24 percent of the respondents said they had had more than one hundred sexual partners in their lifetime. The magazine noted that several respondents suggested including a category of those who had more than one thousand sexual partners.[15]

If we talk only about how to fullfill sexual desire, and nothing about God, judgement, moral, AIDS, relaitonships turmoils and hurts (in fact, males don’t care much about emotions, and, I believed it is so: they don’t realy believe their “marriage” has the same meaning of marriage ). I’d say I really admire homo’s life style. Every new sexual partner is a chance of an encounter, full of fightings, adventures (and, anals are tighter than vagina. I am sorry to say that, but it’s the truth). These are crazy men, and your husband is a men like most of them, but, they have only you!

However, marriage is not only for sexual fulfillment, if so, husband and wife probably don’t need much meaningful communication. If marrige is only for good communication as women expected, they will not be able to develop such an intimate emotion as two became one’s union through sexual conntction.

Regarding to porn, it’s really hard to deal with. No men will say he doesn’t like to watch porn, they are programed
to enjoy of sex (through the eyes and reward center in the brain) of course, basically speaking, they still have the ability to control it (even through other’s help). Though watching porn, few minutes slip result in hours of hours bewilderness and guilt, watch and enjoying in guilt and yet hard to seperate from it. However, I don’t think porn will destroy your relaitonship, if both of you are testified faithfull to each other, and husband is not too much to force his wife to do as av performers.

August 11, 2010 at 3:19 am
(497) Rubio93 says:

Of all the sexual perversions, the LEAST natural is monogamy. Every monogamous species on planet Earth is doomed to extinction. 98% of sperm is designed to block and kill OTHER sperm. We were never designed for marriage.

August 18, 2010 at 10:36 pm
(498) betrayed says:

there’s a difference between watching porn with your husband/fiance to get in the mood or opening a door to notice your husband/fiance is watching it after he thought you were asleep…i feel so unworthy so ugly..i feel like i need to lose 20 pounds & buy some boobs..i know those girls in the videos are fake.but he still watched it! he became so guilty after i seen his computer screen and the way he was treating me was like no way he has ever..he was scared to lose me.& i don’t think i can get better & move on I feel damaged!! i don’t ever want him to see me naked and i cant find it in myself to sleep with him again.we r so close im in shock he would do this.i want to see the video with this girl and compare us.he was everything my fairy tail we were best friends! and now i cant trust him

August 21, 2010 at 12:50 am
(499) mary says:

I would never stay in a relationship with a man who is addicted to porn and stays in a marriage to create an illusion of ‘normalcy’, which, in fact, is hypocrisy. If a man desires to immerse himself in pornagraphy, he should be true to his “primative self’ and live that lifestyle to the fullest. If there is no shame in enjoying Porn, he might as well go all the way, go public, leave his wife, go to strip clubs, engage with prostitutes, and make his fantasy a reality. A woman should never participate in something she doesn’t enjoy just to please her husband. I find it, personallly, disgusting and demeaning. If it truly doesn’t bother you that your husband is acting like an adolescent, fine. In terms of participating in something you find disgusting, I wouldn’t drop LSD because my husband enjoyed it. Leave the guy and let him be revealed for what he is instead of putting up with abuse and providing him with a semblance of decency. If there is nothing “wrong” with his “addiction” to porn, let him do it publicly and you go out and find someone who is compatible with you and who actually appreciates your sexuality. If you let him go, he’ll be free to spend every waking hour masterbating to his sexual fantasy In that case, it wouldn’t be cruel to tell him go go F— himself, since that’s what he prefers over you in any case. You are flesh and blood and mind and spirit. A man who prefers porn to you, isn’t worth the effort. Rent him a caseload of porn videos and send him packing.

August 22, 2010 at 2:20 pm
(500) Leanne says:

hi. im going through hell at the moment. i got married less then a year ago. since the marriage my husband hasnt touched me. he looks at porn, talks to woman on the live chat and trys to hide things. when i confront him and tell him he hurts me he just punches walls and calls me pathetic and stupid. im ready to leave, im 25 and very attractive, i cant put up with this – he didnt do all this until after our marriage, why now??? im a model with an extremly high sex drive, i practially beg him for sex!!!! i no this seems alittle too much info but im at the point where im going to throw in the towel and ready to seperate.

August 28, 2010 at 9:18 am
(501) Lourie says:

Do you GROOM’S NAME take BRIDE’S NAME to be your wife Ė to live together after Godís ordinance Ė in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heartís deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?

Please don’t judge that my views are distorted because I was married in a church. My husband married me in that church with these vows and I meant them. I expected him to mean them as well since he was not forced. It really isn’t an issue whether porn is right or wrong in my case more than if you have made those vows above you should stick to them.
Morally I think porn addiction is as detrimental to a marriage as any addiction, but i can not say what is right for everyone else. It could possibly help those who do not get sexual attention from their spouse because I also view the lack of attention and intimacy from a spouse as detrimental. He did admit to watching porn as we were dating and I was curious to watch one with him. After viewing I told him I didn’t like it and we never discussed porn again. I assumed it was mostly something single men did and I didn’t feel threatened by that.
We married when I was 4 months pregnant and that’s when I discovered just how often he did it. Once we were married he had no problem doing it out in the open and I expressed my hurt feelings and worries that what he puts into his mind will come out and it could affect our marriage.

He told me “don’t worry, its not about you” in a loving way as if he were suggesting that’s why I objected to it and I soon found out he was telling the truth. He didn’t care how I felt about it because it was all about him and I realized that on the day I came home from my full time job and went to the bedroom to lie down due to some contractions and not 15 minutes later I hear him moaning to porn.

During my pregnancy we had sex several times a week and I felt passion from him so I admit that although I told him I did not like him watching the porn I didn’t nag him about it because I still had some of his attention. That all slowed down after we had the baby. I expected him to look at porn while I was healing for 6 weeks and I knew we were both tired, but I told him that it feels like he’s cheating. Strangers having sex on video is one step away from strangers having sex in your living room in my opinion and I expressed how depressed and hurt I felt. The time he invests in that takes away from the little time we have to invest in our relationship and also leaves me unsatisfied. He said I was over reacting and that men view pornography to avoid cheating on their wives. “Men are wired to desire other women” he says. I believe there is nothing wrong with masturbation in moderation and it is not bad to admire a woman’s beauty, but don’t search it out in porn if it causes problems in your marriage.

I’m not sure if I suffered post-pardum depression due to my premature and special needs baby, but the porn has played a big role in my depression that has lasted 2 1/2yrs so far after the baby. My husband told me he was addicted and told me he knew it was wrong and agreed to quit. Every now and then I would find it and we would either argue or I would let it fuel my depression by trying to let it go. He told his mother why we were fighting and she had the “all men do it, it’s not a big deal” talk with me. He told me he started doing it when he was 11 or 12 when he found his father’s porn.
I do believe this act will wire a childs brain and this can be a very hard habit to break if one wants to. It may take more than his own will. That’s no excuse not to try. The brain is still capable to forging new connections and rewiring new habits. Although my husband promised on several occasions to stop or try his best to cut down I always found it out in the open on the computer. I finally started deleting it every time I’d see it being downloaded for free so he has just found craftier ways to hide it while lying and saying he doesn’t even have time to do it.
I am insecure due to this, but not when we met because I looked good and had many admirers. I am not trying to play the victim more than I’m trying to understand this issue on both sides and I feel sorry that others have been so rude to say get a life to these hurting women on here. I thought I did get a life. I thought I had a baby and loving husband and I know he loves me as family, but not as a lover and not like the vows we swore to each other. This is not about the women looking “perfect” as far as my insecurities lie. It’s about the fact that I can not compete with some of the acts they do… namely the sex with other people fantasy my husband expressed or just the fact that they’re different and disposable.
This became a huge problem when I found him whacking it to porn with our 9 month old daughter in the same room in her bouncy seat. He justifies that she didn’t know what was going on because she was facing the TV and he was facing the adjacent wall. He was offended when I told him I was appalled and that if the police knew about it they’d probably arrest him. I didn’t threaten to do that to him I just wanted him to understand that his addiction clouded his judgement and hurt his family. That’s the first time I questioned if i should get a divorce.
He told me he would divorce me if I didn’t take anti-depressants. I took them for a year and went to a mental institution outpatient for 6wks treatment. They focused on my past and my husband’s family thinks our problems are due to my past because I don’t want to embarrass him or them with the truth. I gained 50lbs in 6mo while on those medicines and guess what excuse my husband uses for our lack of intimacy? My depression and my weight. I had been rejected after initiating, I looked good, he says he loves BJ’s and I’ve gone for months trying to please him while getting nothing in return. This has been going on for 2 1/2 yrs and I have only gained weight in the past 6 months. I understand
that my body is not attractive right now, but he goes around saying he is depressed and suicidal because of the situation I’ve put him in due to my depression and I am pissed that this cycle started with him continuously lying, breaking trust, and disregarding my feelings and his responsibility. He says if I lose the weight and get out of the depression he will have sex with me again, but it’s hard to believe this is the case because the newness wore of 6mo after the marriage and he used to blame it on the fact that libido declines after marriage even though he was whacking to porn regularly.
Last week we both got drunk and had sex and during he told me he wanted to watch me with another man. I felt horrible. He recanted that when he was sober and said it is a fantasy that he knows would not work in reality, but it doesn’t change that I feel unwanted. I’m also pissed that he would not let me hang out with my male friends without him after we got married because of the potential for infidelity that would cause, but he desires to see another man have me now. I just want him:( Of course he also has expressed that he would enjoy female partners with or without me if I would let him. He told me in the beginning he didn’t want me confiding in my friends with our marriage problems to also prevent infidelity, but he shows little interest in changing the way things are and does not communicate how we can fix this other than lose weight and get happy. He get’s mad that I bring the same things up, but I am trying to get to the root of the problem so I can fix it. He says he wants to be married to me yet he recently admitted that he knew he would lose attraction for me soon after marriage because the porn has made way for depraved fantasies to enter his brain and no woman can be exciting for long. I feel cheated out of a real marriage. I can not masturbate for the next 50yrs for the sake of my child seeing two “roommates” called parents under the same roof. He is satisfied with his porn and I am punished. I never read a romance novel and I just bought my first toy a couple months ago to finish what he starts. I enjoy a man and do not want a toy, but I get the equivalent to blue balls when he starts me up and finishes before me.

I dont believe porn by itself causes these problems, but it is an escape for some men who don’t want to deal with their problems. He let me play with him then denied me this past week after I begged because I was ovulating and horny. I found out that not an hour later he whacked it to porn. He lied to my face about it several times even though I told him I saw the evidence. He said “Yeah right, I don’t have time to do that.” THIS IS A PROBLEM WHEN SOMEONE USES PORN AND AVOIDS THEIR PROBLEMS AND AVOIDS THEIR SPOUSE.

He refuses counseling and we haven’t had many civil discussions about it so I will try to exhaust my vows by fighting for us to have intimacy and trust and I will definitely lose the weight I didn’t mean to gain.

I have some sympathy understanding porn as an addiction after watching informative videos on how porn affects your limbic system in your brain so I won’t throw out an ultimatum that if he ever does it again I will leave, but I told him I want him to treat this as if he were addicted to any other drug and he well seek help and support to quit the best he can as well as counseling. I told him after I get fit and happy as he requested I will consider divorce if he doesn’t help us work on intimacy together. I can’t believe he knowingly deceived me into an unfulfilling marriage because he thought it an ideal situation for his interest in porn and that everybody gets tired of each other after a while.

Most of all I was exposed to porn at 8 years old while at a friends house. We watched professional as well as home videos of her parents. I was turned on by this and didn’t understand what was happening. I do not want my daughter to be exposed to this like me and her daddy were as children.
I utube’d porn addiction to find the informative videos by a dr which have helped me understand that my husband needs help if he truly wants to quit. Please check it out because it’s informative for any addiction.

No one can tell you what to do in this situation because they are all based on different circumstances, but I am relieved to see that I am not alone in this. There are good things about my husband too. I have to consider that and weigh out whether I will learn to deal with his fantasy life with porn or stay true to my fantasy which may be just a fantasy: to be truly loved by a man according to the vows I posted above.

I’m so bothered and disappointed about this that I may choose to be alone and independent rather than tortured by something in my face that I can’t have.

September 4, 2010 at 9:12 pm
(502) Matt says:

All you women complaining about your man watching porn: Are you turning him down? Do you try to keep him satisfied sexually?

In most cases the answer is probably no.

My wife turns me down all the time. Repeatedly. I get so tired of it. The word frustration doesn’t come close. My wife is beautiful to me. I don’t want a “perfect” looking woman. I want my wife, but she keeps turning me down. If I’m going to get sex it’s not going to be from her. If it is from her it’s too infrequent. She’s maybe in the mood 1x/month.

So all you women blaming your man…maybe you should take a look at yourself. When is the last time you put on something sexy? When is the last time you acted like your man is desirable?

September 7, 2010 at 4:33 pm
(503) the wifey says:

I understand that both men and women like to watch porn. I do. XXX is the best, and watching it with your love is even better.
My problem is that I find my husband looking at porn every time he is on the computer, EVERYDAY! Its hurts me because of the fact that he tries to hide it. He has a file in our “my pictures” for the pictures he downloads of naked chicks. Thats what REALLY HURTS!!! Should I erase those pictures? Is that my place to do that?
I’ve talked to him about it, even suggested to look at it together, but no. The biggest problem I have is the fact that I give my husband sex anytime he wants it, any which way he wants it, everyday, I have no problem with that. The problem I have is he alway looks at porn right before we have sex. I feel like he doesnt have sex with me, but with someone else. I try to ignor it but its doesnt go away.
I knew from the get go that he looked at porn and he always tells me that, but it hurts soooo much. I feel that what I do for him and to him isnt good enough. I thought that if I give it to him everyday that there will be no need for him to look at porn, still going though that process.
Everybody deals with things in there own way I know. So reading everybodys comment helped me to deal, except for those who are just being dicks about it.

September 11, 2010 at 3:34 pm
(504) Wife says:

My husband has lied to me about his use of porn throughout our marriage – I’m not sure if it’s the porn, or the lies, that upset me more. Mostly, it’s the lies, I think.

But I have come to some clarity on this:
When he looks at porn, I feel horrible. I am older than the porn stars (and so is he), I have an attractive body, but not like a porn star. I want my husband’s sexual attraction focused on ME, not on images of other women. His use of porn makes me feel lonely, insecure, inadequate, unattractive. In general, I am a confident woman, not prone to insecurities, but this crosses my limits.

Knowing how it makes me feel, as well as other reasons (abuse of women in the porn industry, his lack of sex drive with me, etc.), I am clear in my stance: I do not want to stay married if he continues to use porn. I am prepared to walk away over it.

(To be clear, I’m even more concerned about the lying. Same deal: no more lying, or I’m gone. I deserve a man of integrity, period, no ifs, ands, or buts.)

Of course, he has a right to do whatever he wants with his spare time. But I also have a right to draw limits and boundaries in my life. Our agreement was that we did not want porn in our marriage, and I have not changed my mind (nor has he, apparently, he just lied the whole time). I do not feel a need to sign up to feel like crap because it makes him feel good, and I am comfortable saying that it is a choice between me, and porn. If he chooses some graphics over a real, live woman, then I am better off without him.

I don’t know yet how this will all shake out, but I do know that I feel good about the boundaries I have set. If he does not like my boundaries, he has the power to walk away.

September 14, 2010 at 4:41 pm
(505) Heather says:

The marriage bed is sacred and is to be kept undefiled.

Sex involves becoming one with someone physically, mentally and emotionally.

Looking at a person with lust is adultery, and that is why is feels so bad to woman.

God has a plan for marriage and sex and following it brings joy and happiness, a piece of heaven on earth! Yes, sex can be better than chocolate or diamonds or romance novels or pornography, if a couple is doing sex God’s way.

For more information visit the following sites.

God bless you and your relationships!

http://www.pureintimacy.org/piArticles/A000000490.cfm

http://www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/sexaddictiontips.html

http://www.christian-sextherapy.com/

September 15, 2010 at 6:57 am
(506) Amanda says:

I’m 26 years old and my husband and I have been married for 7 years now with two kids. When we first got married-, we agreed that we’d watch porn together only and that we’d agree on a movie together. Everything was fine and soon I was prego with our son.
One day, I was taking a nap and my hubby was lying with me. All of a sudden, the beds rockin’ and find that he’s masturbating next to me while looking at the floor.. I hurried and leaned over before he could move and guess what?! Thereís a porn mag. on the floor that Iíd never seen before. Ok, it’s bad to make a wife upset over something silly but to do it to a pregnant wife- that’s so not a good idea! I took the mag and burned it and that was the first day i actually started having a problem with porn.

September 15, 2010 at 6:58 am
(507) Amanda says:

We shop at adult stores, try new positions and toys.. I would go in and rent some porn for an “us” weekend after the baby was born just so that our sex life didn’t take a hit. Then one time, he wanted to have sex while the porn was on and i was pretty much whatever.. Yeah, sex!!! He never took his eyes off the TV and kept the pace with the guys on the DVD. When he was done, he couldn’t figure out why i was so upset and hurt!
Iíve sat him down and told him that i canít have him watching this stuff anymore. I explained how it made me feel and all that stuff and he promised not to watch it unless i brought it up or turned it on. What a deal, right?! Um,…. nope!
Iíve caught him watching the “soft” porn off of the TV and when he would hear me, he’d change it real fast and totally denied it. Well, got prego with my daughter and hadn’t caught him watching or looking at it for months! I was so happy you don’t even understand! Well, i had to take my dad out of town for a dr’s appt and when i got back, guess what i found in my DVD player? You got it.. Another porn. started digging on his side of the bed and found magazines and picts that had been printed off our comp. well, i put it all back and wanted to see if he would say anything about it. Waited until he got home, had our family time, and then he goes off to the bedroom to “unwind”.. I snuck to the room and was able to record him on my cell watching this junk again and i sent it to his phone. The look on his face was a deer in the headlight look! Heís freaked out and starting to apologize before he even hits the door.

September 15, 2010 at 7:00 am
(508) Amanda says:

We made the deal, again, about not watching porn. And so far, it was going good. Until yesterday… one of the guys he works with sent him picts on his cell and a couple videos. I had to use my husbandsí phone for a call since mine died and that’s how i found them. What was the excuse i got? “I had no idea they were there!” Therefore, i told him to tell the guy either he can stop sending them or he could help my husband pack up his stuff.. My husband tells me “i just don’t want to make him upset at me. Heís a really cool guy”! Are you freakin’ kidding me?!!!!! Youíve just told me you don’t care about your wife or your family life because of some “cool” guy?!
So, i proposed a deal. My new “deal” is that either we go to counseling or just get the divorce. His choice- the ball is in his court. Then he asks, do you honestly think that we’d need something like that? Iím sure we can make it work this time…. what am I suppose to do/say?! GRRR!!
And also, i do not with hold sex from my husband. Iíve always had the thought that you should try to please your special someone in bed because there are others out there that can and will do it for you!! There are a couple things i don’t like to do in bed, so we try to come to a compromise. If it was up to me, we’d have sex every day and more than once a day- but it doesn’t work like that in my marriage! I don’t really dress “sexy” unless it’s for a special occasion or he has something in mind. My body was not made of rubber so Iím not “bouncing” back as fast after having my daughter.
I love my husband very much and i don’t really want to separate my family- but i just don’t know how much more i can take.

Thanks for letting me vent! ;)

September 16, 2010 at 2:57 pm
(509) Steve says:

Amanda,

Someone else sent your husband pics/videos, and you’re ready to leave him for it? Seriously?

You sound more like his mother than his wife.

September 18, 2010 at 12:19 pm
(510) NRx says:

Hi,
so i have read a lot of the comments and am still a bit confused as to why my man needs porn. First we are both fit active people we both work out him more than me,i have recently picked up MMA(mixed marchall arts) for him, don’t get me wrong i like it too. I am also a successful nude model to top it of i am Bi and we have a great sex life and swing occasionally so i know it is not my looks that is causing him to turn to porn. The thing is he always dose it when i am not around and tries to hide it. Just yesterday i found that as soon as he got home from running friend to airport, he went straight for live porn, i was going to be home in like 2 hours and we had planed on being inanimate that night. he even went to that before he checked to see what time i would be home or email or anything else on internet. that evening i keept waiting for him to make the first flirty move and get thing going but waited too long and got late and then when he did get the hint (me saying im ready to have sex) it took forever for him to get wood and then i just couldn’t i was falling asleep….i woke up early like i normally do and found his porn activity from day before.
I know he loves me and i turn him on but why dose he go for the porn?

September 18, 2010 at 12:54 pm
(511) Greg says:

This topic and the majority of the comments are ridiculous. People, men and women, should be and are free to view porn if that is what floats their boat. Why not join your husbands and enjoy it? And the porn is not necessarily an excuse to deal with anxieties, it is merely for enjoyment for some people.

September 19, 2010 at 12:32 am
(512) Greg says:

A person does not surrender his or her freedom just because he/she is married. And please stop throwing God into the mix. Christians have a divorce rate of over 50%. I have nothing against Christians, but it seems some Christians are among unhappiest people on earth. God and Christ do not have a problem with porn, but perhaps you do.

September 26, 2010 at 4:29 am
(513) curious female says:

Up front I’ll admit I have not read all of this thread. I am curious, however, about men’s and other women’s opinions on women watching/reading porn and masterbation.

If you believe porn and/or masterbation itself are inherently wrong, okay, that’s your opinion right there – no need to post. Gotcha.

I talk about these things with my girlfriends all the time. All of the women (married & single) I’ve spoken to about it masterbate. Not all like porn (whatever the medium). I’ve heard of friends or friends-of-friends (the women) getting “caught.” I’ve known or heard of VERY FEW cases where the men involved cared at all, much less were angry or hurt.

Now I know I’m often in the minority with my girlfriends, and probably will be here, but I’m honest in my relationships about my masterbation and my use of porn and fantasies. If asked or even if it just comes up, I’m honest when the fantasies star someone else. What does it matter? It wasn’t real.

(I don’t however fantasize about others when I’m in a serious relationship. At least, I never have. It seems relevant to include I was married for 7 years and have had other serious long-term relationships.)

Anyway, what do you guys think?

September 26, 2010 at 4:36 am
(514) curious female says:

One other question. I saw a few posts from women saying they’d offered to watch porn with their men and the men refused. Is it the guys who are ashamed that they watch porn who are refusing company?

September 27, 2010 at 10:31 pm
(515) blah blah blah says:

Well, my wife has about zero sex drive. I masturbate usually a couple of times a day because I’m so horny. I look at porn only to get relief and it keeps me from acting on attractions to other women. I’d love it if she wanted to watch it with me. I don’t go for anything weird, but man on woman screwing. And I NEVER think she’s someone else, nor do I expect her to do anything she doesn’t want to. Porn is nothing more to me than a means to an end. I need relief from the nagging sex drive I have and porn is a quick and effective fix that as I said before keeps me from cheating or even going farther than innocent flirting. I would say porn actually keeps me in my marriage. If she had more sex with me, I wouldn’t need to look at porn so often, but I don’t expect her to turn on like the flick of a switch and give me what I feel I need. Do I blame her? Nope. Do I wish she’d have sex with me more than once in a blue moon? Yep. But leaving her over getting my rocks off is not an option, nor will it ever be, unless she says I can’t look at naked women and she won’t give me sex. Then there’d be a BIG issue. She ok with it, I don’t flaunt the crap around her and I tell her all the time how much she turns me on. Now I’m rambling. In summation, if porn is wrecking our marriage, your marriage was doomed to begin with, your fault or the other person’s. Don’t use it as a crutch for why you relationship isn’t working.

September 28, 2010 at 5:15 pm
(516) jojo says:

If you try to get your insurance company to pay for treatment of porn “addiction” you will be out of luck. That’s because there is no such thing and it is not recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. And if an addiction is not recognized by them no insurance company will pay for “treatment” Those who seek to “treat sex and porn “addiction” have been pressuring the A.P.A. for years to include these things in their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual which is what therapists use to identify and bill patients, for years but they have not bowed to pressure because after years of medical study on the subject they have concluded over and over again that these “addictions” were simply invented terms used by those who seek to gain from treating them.

They don’t recognize it because they believe, rightly so, that a married man who is a heavy porn user is doing it due to other, recognized problems one of which is sexual boredom in his marriage.

Sexually refused wives like to blame “addiction” because it lets them off the hook. But the truth is that sex with a real live woman that a man is sexually attracted to is always better and always preferred to masturbation and porn.

The only time this isn’t the case is when the man has certain types of intimacy or anxiety/depressive disorders, psychological in nature (and recognized by the APA) or, more rarely is a Gay man trying to pass as straight.

Men use porn and masturbate alone to fulfill a need that they feel cannot be fulfilled by their wives.

October 6, 2010 at 2:01 pm
(517) pretty wife says:

Im 25 yrs old, have been married for 7 yrs And have 2 girls with him. I was a horny 17 yrs old when i moved in with him, and I am open mind AND he have hide porn from me since then.He refuse to watch it together. My sex life sucks. He called me a freak becuase i was trying to get sex from him everyday for a week, which he didnt agreed once. I know i dont have that perfect body but i am skinny,sexy and pretty. I love lingeries but he doesnt seem to care. He keeps saying to me that porn its a normal guy thing. But i just dont think its nOrmal when it affects your intimacy with your wife.Its not as bad as it was 7 yrs ago. When he used to watch it all the time even at work, but is still pissed me off. I found girls pics on his phone the other day and he lied to me and said it was from a backgrounds app he installed, but im not that stupid. And he said it was just models pictures…was not porn, but it was girls showing their ass and tits on lingeries. I starting to feel like its time for me to give up and walk away from this marriage. sometimes i think i still young and pretty and can sure find the one for me. But i really love him and i know our daughters are going to be hurt. On top of porn he have turn a compulsive liar. Not just about porn but stupid life situations he will lie to get away and i dont like that it makes me feel like he is lies to me all the time. Not sure what to think or believe…

October 8, 2010 at 2:12 am
(518) GODESS 82 says:

Pretty Wife,
I am 27 yrs old and have been here for my husband in every aspect of his life. Spiritually, Buisness (we own or own resturant), emotionaly, and physically by being a hard worker!! My husband (36) has an addiction to Porn and it is very hard for me. I don’t know about you but when I catch him and ask about it he tells me that i am crazy and stuiped to be upset about this!!??? If It were random every once in a while, that would’nt be so bad (for ME) but when it is 6 days a week and always TEEN porn that worries me. Here’s the topper…… I am a bi-sexual woman and we have had sex with others!!!!!! Also I am attractive, (well very attractive). He is tending to bore me with his lack of enthusiasm for real sexual intercourse. I stay faithful to him but I am Propostioned all the time and I am tired of playing the good wife while these jerks sit around and cheat and take advanteged of most desired women!p.s. after I found the porn mags at work then I found out he was doing the cleaning girl!!!!!!!!!!!! I was 8 mons preg. JERKS

October 25, 2010 at 11:35 pm
(519) can't say says:

I don’t know what to do anymore.. I see both views on watching porn and not watching it. All I know is that I love my husband with all my heart and it kills me to see him look at another women with the way he used to look at me and I know when i leave my house he has at it.. It hurts my soul. He was my best friend. Now I feel like I don’t even know him. I honestly don’t want to look at another man when he is my life.

October 26, 2010 at 10:04 pm
(520) Mmmmk says:

Wow I see alot of so women in here complainiung because the man watches porn.

Question: Do you watch television? T.V can be pretty threatning in a relationship too, he can’t afford to wine and dine you like the people in the soaps do, but you watch them religiously, how is that any different than him watching porn?, there are some pretty hot love seens in soaps, what’s the matter cat got your tounge?

Just because the guy in the soap is dressed doesn’t mean your not seeing him otherwise your mind does it?

Enough.

Do you read romance novels? you know in your imagination you picture yourself in hot romantic seens in your mind.

Don’t be so quick to judge, I am so glad Jesus sets the example to follow in His word the Holy Bible and never instructed anyone to follow the words of hypicritical men and women who because they call themself Christians feel they have a right to pass judgement on others.

October 30, 2010 at 7:02 pm
(521) Jane Doe says:

I’m confused, would you all be just as mad if you walked in on your man jerkin’ it? I hate to break it to you, but he isn’t always thinking of you when he’s doing it. So, why the anger over porn? Is it because it ruins a man’s ability to imagine these acts on his own? If he’s with you, there is a reason. Porn isn’t a substitute for you, it’s because this generation has no imagination.

November 4, 2010 at 2:32 am
(522) Cali says:

I’ve been in two relationships, one leading to marriage.

We’re comfortable with it for one reason: we trust each other. Our relationship is strong enough that I know looking around isn’t going to give her any reason to go sleep with someone else, and she trusts me the same. This is my personal opinion: if you fear that your partner will leave you for something like outward appearances just so he can bang the blonde cheerleader like in his favorite video, maybe you tied the knot with the wrong guy. Same goes for guys. In that case, seek help if your partner refuses to go 50/50 with you on the issue, and also help for yourself to resolve those trust issues. If it’s just in a regular relationship, it’s indicative of two things – either 1) It’s a red flag that your relationship won’t survive if fidelity is a constant fear or 2) Your relationship is in trouble because you’re overly possessive. Maybe both.

Guys, take it seriously when she expresses her fear that you don’t like the way she looks. The majority of women are damaged by the image we feed them since childhood of what they should look like, and most of us aren’t helping. Gals, take it seriously when his sex drive is going nuts. Some men want it more than women, and the other way around is true too. You’re not going to change his libido. You might make him keep it to himself, but it will still come around. It’s a natural chemical reaction, get over it. Now either 1) you can help him or 2) He’ll help himself. When you realize that both of your concerns are valid, and treat them as such, then you can be mature adults and work out a compromise that benefits BOTH of you. Welcome to the world of relationships.

November 6, 2010 at 2:34 pm
(523) David AB says:

I have had a weakness with porn since I was very young. I know it is wrong and it hurts a lady. But it is an addictive drug, just like alcohol, cigs or pot. I am now separated from my wife because she finally ended up getting revenge on my porn by screwing a couple guys behind my back, One even in my house. each guy several times. I know u women will now say, “serves you right u porn addict”. . but my wife since the beginning of our marriage has had a horrible alcohol, marijuana and pills addiction that she will simply not get help with. she from the very beginning, has spent time with other men alone behind my back, smoking pot, drinking with them and totally lying about it. THis has caused me great anxiety and fear and stress and I looked at porn here and there throughout this process because it is my “drug”. .she has her Xanax, pot and malt liquor. . I turn to porn. . .so she eventually goes and bangs a couple guys and blames me for it. . . ladies , if your man is viewing porn as an anti-anxiety escape drug. . . make sure u know there is nothing u are doing to cause him any anxiety. .if u are not. . then he is entirely to blame. . I just really hate the fact that my wife can have all the addictions she wants. . . but if i look at porn, she has the right to go rip my heart out. . addictions will cause addictions in any marriage. . . if you spend time alone with any man even if you arent doing anything with him. . this will cause unreal fear and anxiety in your man. . .if he is looking at porn and you arent to blame. . then drop the divorce papers in front of him and say “get help, or I am out and I want to see other men”. . THAT will get his attention. . .if you go and cheat on him. . you will only destroy anything that is left of your marriage . . .

November 11, 2010 at 11:51 am
(524) Cindy says:

I think some of you guys are missing the point. If you have a higher sex drive and use masturbation so as not to be overly demanding on your wife, most women can understand that. What they do not understand is why you masturbate INSTEAD of having sex with them. In other words, you prefer masturbation. That’s what upsets a woman.

The reverse is also true. There are some women who masturbate so as to make up for the sex they aren’t getting with their husbands, or for other reasons.

Inherently, masturbation within marriage is a sign of something “wrong” in the relationship, whether it’s a difference in sex drive (not the reason we’re discussing here), anger and withholding (I think there’s a lot of that), lack of fun and sharing together, or whatever. That gets someone started doing it, then they begin to engage in it for other reasons as well. The relationship needs a makeover in a big way, but at this point people aren’t wanting to face the real issues any more. It’s easier not to do so but to blame the other partner.

My prayers go out for all the marriages that need healed, no matter what the basis of the problem. Try to have fun (outside sex) together.

November 19, 2010 at 11:50 pm
(525) sean says:

The answer to the question from the wives and girlfriends, “Aren’t I enough?”, is a resounding no. No, you aren’t. Not for the guy you are with. Find a guy whose sexual interests and needs meets your own.

November 23, 2010 at 1:49 pm
(526) AtaLoss says:

If I had wanted to go the route of a porn star I could have or still could for that matter.I am a very physically attractive woman who has been at a loss for years with my husband’s porn issue. I have been married to my husband for 16 years and he has looked at porn on and off throughout our marriage. I like may others have tried the pity me, let me join in and here let me burn your porn collection approachs. The point is the female partner should never feel that something is lacking within themselves. Porn is simply a pleasurable release without the emotional attachment. Let’s face it it they don’t have to worry about what the lady on the monitor screen is thinking about them. Those porn images don’t know know about your husband’s humanness or his flaws which takes a lot of pressure off the sexual act. At least this theory is what I have sold to myself over the years.

December 1, 2010 at 4:00 pm
(527) from feeling pretty to feeling worthless says:

Guys I really do not get it, could some one please tell me why if their wife does not want you to look at other naked women(and most do not)why do it? I found out that my husband was looking at porn and it crushed me. I am now suffering from low self esteem because of it and no I did not feel that way before. Is it really more important to look at naked women then to make your wife feel that she is all you need. You did marry her, so I guess that would indicate you love and care for her. I had went to a strip club with some girls early on in our marriage and it upset him, so I never went again(although he continued to go to strip clubs, and I had asked the same of him to not go anymore) So now here I am 47 and feeling like I am never going to be what he wants to see in the bedroom. And he just carries on happy with life,and I do not no how to get over this. Its very painful, Do you want to do this to your wife? Or do you think if you wife does not approve you could think more about her feelings then your feelings.( I promise you will survive) Make your wife feel like she is the most important thing in your life, do not make her feel worthless for the rest of hers(is it really worth it just for some pitcures of **** and *** when you sleep with the real deal) Ask your wife how she feels about you watching porn or going to strip clubs, if she does not agree with it then for heavens sake,chose your wife not some slut who is ok with spreading her legs for everyone (yeh,not just you but the world)

December 7, 2010 at 1:45 pm
(528) Anonymous says:

ok this coming from a guy, some of these comments are ridiculous. men and women have different sex drives. if a woman doesnt want to have sex for a week or two is your guy just supposed to sit and wait? just because you dont want an orgasm he is not allowed either? i guarantee in most cases guys dont do it to hurt women, they take care of themselves instead of looking outside the marriage. ALL men masturbate, read about it. I REPEAT ALL MEN MASTURBATE. he was doing it before you and he will continue as long as he has at least one hand. and for the guys with no hands theyll find a way too. if youve ever been “not in the mood” then he has every right to take care of himself. and if you feel like you should be allowed to do the same, consider this, has your man ever turned you down for sex? doubtful.

If however, a guy is turning down sex for porn, he’s got a problem. A guy should choose a real woman (especially a wife) 100% of the time.

December 15, 2010 at 12:59 am
(529) Kim says:

I never leave comments but felt compelled to. I grew up in a home where porn was easily accessible. My dad had magazines and you could scramble the television to see the videos. My uncle had stacks of videos and mags. I knew all about sex graphically from a very young age. I began masturbating very young and never felt like anything was wrong with it. I wasn’t proud to tell ppl, but only because some ppl are not that open about masturbation. I loved to watch porn and did not think there was anything wrong with it.

As an adult I have had many friends that would tell me that their husbands watched porn and it hurt them very deeply. I could not understand this, I never minded if my husband watched porn and masturbated. It might have bothered me if he was leaving our bed to do so, but if I was not there then I did not see the problem. Not to mention the fact that he works nights and I woud find myself masturbating quite often while he was away at work.

I have recently found Jesus. Everything has changed in my life. A few months back, my husband was at work and I was feeling like maybe I would watch some porn and masturbate. But for the first time in my life I actually questioned what I was about to do. I did not want to do something that would upset the lord, so i did some research about why masturbation is wrong. This is what I got out of it, marriage is meant for two ppl to be able to share that intimacy, completely without guilt. It is rather beautiful. But, when watching porn what is fulfilling your desires is not your husband so in Gods eyes, you are cheating in your heart, which is the same as cheating physically. I am sure most of you know this.

December 15, 2010 at 1:01 am
(530) Kim says:

So I thought what if I masturbate while thinking of my husband, surely that must be ok, right? This is what I found, that still the act of masturbation is a very selfish act. Our bodies are meant to please each other, and by pleasing myself I am taking away from our sexual relationship. I also learned that I need to learn to control my physical urges, so that night I decided to not masturbate and wait for my husband to come home.

A weird thing happened. For awhile I had been looking at my husband and not finding him very attractive, but that next morning I was shocked at how sexy I found him. There was a new respect for my husband knowing that he is the source of my desire and the only one that can fulfill it. God has shown me why pornography is damaging to a marriage. This coming from someone what has watched about every kind of porn you can imagine.

Another odd thing that happened was I found all these pictures of nude woman on my laptop that my husband had been looking at, and it really hurt me. I did not condemn him or say anything about it. He is not Christian, but I have still shared what I have learned about pornography with him. I feel that he will have to make the decision himself not to look at porn, yes it hurts badly, but it is easier for me not to condemn him knowing how I used to think about it. The fact that it hurt me though, did take me by complete surprise.

I know a lot of people may find what I am writing to be vulgar, and that is not my intention. I just wanted to give insight into my experience with pornography in hopes that it may be able to answer some questions other may have.

December 15, 2010 at 1:01 am
(531) Kim says:

I will also say that the vast majority of people have the assumption that it is completely natural to look at porn. This is our societies view of normal, all I know is that I do not want to bring anything into my own life that may result in something negative or evil. As for my husband, I can not change his heart, only God can do that. My biggest struggle is to love him the way God intended, and work on bettering myself. I know how hard it is to do that when we are feeling hurt ladies. This is what God wants, for us to love unselfishly. I pray the Lord gives you comfort and guidance through these times of great learning.

December 18, 2010 at 9:53 pm
(532) Joey says:

Ok so here is the thing. To me, masturbation is completely normal. I, the girlfriend, occasionally do it and I know my boyfriend does it more often. We work two different shifts, he working graves, and sometimes comes home “in the mood,” so what is one to do?

In the beginning of our dating I told my boyfriend that I despised porn and will not be in a relationship with some who views it. If he did that was fine and we can stay friends, but that is all. He said he had as a teen but he had me, so had no reason too. About a month ago I began to suspect something was amiss…I asked him if he thought of other women while masturbating…he said he only ever thought of me, and then I discovered the porn….

Let me just say that the sheet number of porn files on his computer immediately said to me he was using it more than just if he didn’t have me…that the times he professed to be too tired, he had worn himself out with masturbation.

Ofcourse I freaked….I almost left him and the porn got deleted and the burned dvd’s (which I did not even know he had) got thrown out.

Will it matter though? I don’t want to sleep with him because it will wonder what he is really thinking about but if I don’t will he go back to porn.

I know I am woman and women in general don’t agree with porn, where most men think it is ok…..that is all well and good.

But he lied to me and deceived me…..all he had had to do was be honest in the beginning & I wouldn’t now be going through this.

Is it really worth it?

December 19, 2010 at 4:14 am
(533) angseaborn says:

please look me up on facebook. anyone with info on why my man cant stop watching porn?

December 20, 2010 at 4:51 am
(534) Anonymous says:

Objectifying anyone for any particular reason is an evil whether we care to admit it or not. Whether man or woman, the wrong remains. Until we begin to see eachother as human beings and children of God opposed to tools to bring us pleasure, we distance ourself from the one thing we desire most…love. Granted, its not easy…hell, its pretty damn hard. But if you believe in something more than the animalistic desires we all have, then you should stop or attempt to bring your loved one to stop. I believe that unlike a beast, as a human, I have the blessed opportunity to love both God and his children. What do you believe in, is it worth fighting for?

December 21, 2010 at 12:12 pm
(535) A Guy says:

Some women on here have described men who are obviously scumbags: abusive, selfish losers with no respect for women. But there are other women who are apparently angry with otherwise fantastic partners just because they view pornographic material. Joey goes even further: she wants assurances that she is the only girl on her guy’s mind whenever he masturbates!

I can assure you that every man, no matter how much he loves his wife or girlfriend, is sometimes sexually aroused by other females. It might be porn; it might be a mainstream movie such as Return of the Jedi with that sexy slave girl outfit; or it might be a work colleague or random stranger. Women have every right to demand loyalty, but any woman demanding exclusive rights to arouse and satisfy her partner is going to end up disappointed and hurt. Not because she is inadequate in any way, but because she is fighting against nature and society.

Most decent men love their partners in a very deep, intimate way that goes far beyond simple lust. But they are also constantly fighting against lust, which is an almost irresistible urge. Porn is merely a tool to relieve that urge, and allow men to focus on the things in life that really matter to them: family, relationships, career and, yes, their partners whom they love. And it’s a tool that they have been using since adolescence, to relax and relieve boredom and stress. To stop using it would be very difficult, even damaging.

Sexual addiction is a problem; harmless porn in moderation is not. Keep things in perspective.

December 23, 2010 at 9:36 pm
(536) Joey says:

@ A Guy…
I never asked him for assurances. I still don’t now. I asked him a simple question. An honest answer would have sufficed. I figured guys will sometimes think of others…I expected him to tell me as much. You say it’s ridiculous to want assurances, I say it’s ridiculous to not just get an answer to a question.

And so I suppose you will say it’s ok for a guy to lie, as long as it keeps the peace huh??

December 30, 2010 at 3:33 pm
(537) paul solon says:

fair is fair. i dont see it as a male female issue. if my wife were watching porn, i would not like it. i would think she wants somethng i do not have, i would wish her well, tell i hope you find it, and ask her to leave.

if i were doing porn in a relation, i would hope that both i and my partner deal with the issue as adults, not hide things, not sneak about. i wd hope my wife would tell me to leave, or wd leave herself.

it is hard to be non fearful, act on courage and on what is rt, it can be done.

in fact, we, ironically, get so trapped when we are scared. the brave dont get trapped.

dont compromise on the uncompromisable. find a way to find courage, it is a key to a gd relation.

my heart goes out to those who are writing above and are trapped and in agony, it is hard and painful to hear, and we are sorry.

be bold, the gods favor those who act boldly

from italy

January 5, 2011 at 10:47 pm
(538) LeeS says:

My feeling in the subject is that it can be very destructive to marriages. It destroyed mine. My husband hid it and lied about it constantly, and it became too much for me. Especially since he was a minister.

January 7, 2011 at 5:35 pm
(539) cin says:

ok I need HELP!!! I have been super open and honest and very understanding with men and more so my future husband but now I have came to a wall!
Tommy and I have been in cheating relationships before but I told myself and so had he that we wouldn’t and we would be open! When I felt he was heading down that road I suggested swinging as a change (because when I feel alone or felt low by the man I love and he did nothing but tell me no when I asked to have sex and I would than see he was looking at porn or talking to hookers online I wanted to cheat to but I said I would never do that again so I said lets swing) Now we did that he got tired of it and put it on pause and told he he was happy with just me for a bit. Now we are going back to where we were he is looking at porn, talking to hookers and I found a “rub and tug” frequently use card (stamp the card so after 10 vistits its free) I know its a hooker place cuz I looked it up. He denies everytime he is doing anything just talking and it was given to him! HE IS TOTALLY CHEATING RIGHT?

January 8, 2011 at 8:33 am
(540) Linda says:

Men are pigs obviously….!!!!!!!!!!!!! they would never understand how much hurting it is, when they do that stuff ….. As long as they satisfied their cheap sensual need. They feel cool.

January 12, 2011 at 3:44 pm
(541) lourie says:

I left comment 501 months ago when I was fed up with my husband’s porn use. He was using it daily while telling me it’s natural for libido to go down after marriage. A lot of guys on here have said we ladies go overboard with it and we are crazy to leave a man over porn. I was debating leaving him over it because I was begging for sex and constantly being turned down. I had told him from the beginning of our marriage that I was afraid that what he put into his mind would come out in his actions. When he told me he was addicted to porn I asked for him to go to counseling about it and go to marriage counseling with me. He always put me off about it and said we could manage it without counseling and he was too busy at work as a manager to take off and go.

January 12, 2011 at 3:47 pm
(542) lourie says:

Since my last post I found out he was cheating on me while we were dating and cheating on me almost our entire marriage of 2 1/2 years. He always watched group sex porn and bukkake before I knew about any of the cheating and guess what he was doing while cheating? The very things he watched in porn. He used to tell me porn kept men from cheating on their wives and it was natural. There is nothing natural about what he watches and what he’s done to me. I had been suspicious during our marriage because of his porn addiction and I would periodically check bank statements and text records, email, etc. and saw no evidence that he was getting into trouble, but his addiction to porn urged me to be vigilant in checking up on him since this past August. He’s had phone sex with colleagues at work and constantly monitored craigslist personal ads for no strings attached sex. He admitted to masturbating to porn while driving his company 18 wheeler for work! According to many men that have posted here addiction is a copout, but that last sentence sounds like addiction to me if you can do something like that despite the consequences. Most of his cheating was at a sex toy and porn shop that had porn booths in the back with “glory holes”. Now although he says the addiction to sex and porn drove him to do those things he tries to claim he isn’t gay or bi. He says that in the porn booths you are expected to give a little to receive a little. He chose to go to this place so I wouldn’t catch him cheating because it costs $6 to get in and probably takes 20 minutes to take care of business. I never would have caught that by looking at bank statements or phone records.

January 12, 2011 at 3:49 pm
(543) lourie says:

I wanted to update this because people don’t think porn is a big deal or the woman must not be putting out or look bad or even that men enjoy it while masturbating and it doesn’t hurt anything. My gut feeling told me the whole time porn is wrong and it could lead to other things and I was right. My husband was very sneaky about it and I finally found all the evidence I needed by checking different email companies for a secret email and sure enough he had one with all his dirt saved on it. I was fooled into thinking he was trustworthy and open because he has a spreadsheet with all his online accounts and passwords as if he has nothing to hide. He used to call from his work phone sometimes late at night to seem as if he was always at work when he was out late, but he didn’t call every night. I bet that was for show as well. He even had a girl saved on his phone under a man’s name and some of his latest porn dvd’s had titles such as “windows 7.3″.

January 12, 2011 at 3:51 pm
(544) lourie says:

Ladies if your man lies to you about porn use it’s probably a good idea to think of how he might be hiding things in plain sight. I wouldn’t have ever thought he would cheat because he told me porn kept men from cheating because it’s biological that they are attracted to many women. I thought that although he wasn’t concerned enough to spare my feelings by watching porn and lying so he didn’t upset me, it took two friends telling me that he exhibited many of the signs of cheating for me to really start considering it. Especially after so many people think porn is harmless. I don’t think it is harmless and even if it is…if your man is obsessed with it there is a high probability that he is a sex addict or freak and keeping you in the dark because he would not be able to keep a normal family and maintain that kind of lifestyle. My husband tried to and now that I know he’s begging for mercy. For marriage counseling, for me to help him get past this addiction. Yet two years ago when I wanted him to get help he refused because he liked keeping this addiction no matter how guilty or helpless he seemed when I would catch him. He chose to hide this side of him while we were dating. He chose to hide it from me the whole time so he could have his cake and eat it too. He wants me to love him through this yet he didn’t honor our vows and love me through all the pain he’s inflicted on me.

January 12, 2011 at 3:53 pm
(545) lourie says:

We are now going through marriage counseling and he sees a sex addict counselor, but I don’t know if I would ever forgive and trust him. This is devastating to me. How can people put down the hurting women in this thread as if we have our panties in a bunch over nothing? Porn didn’t directly ruin my marriage. Porn played a part in ruining my husband’s sexual ideals because it had been his sex instruction manual since 11 years of age (compliments of his not so careful porn addicted daddy). Defend porn if you want, it was hidden from me and I never had the opportunity to choose if I wanted to live this way because my husband hid these things from me while we were dating. He was a good friend for 3 years before we dated so I thought I knew him. I will not tolerate porn if for some reason I am compelled to stay, but if we divorce I will not date someone who views porn. Tell me I’m over-reacting and too emotional and too immature to deal with the fact that “all men watch porn” and “boys will be boys” and I will tell you that I will not accept someone who watches porn because it is a natural built in defense mechanism to stay away from things that hurt you and threaten your survival. Porn hurts many marriages because it hurts people. The users and their spouses. Don’t forget the children. My little 2 year old girl has to deal with the consequences of his selfish behavior as well.

January 14, 2011 at 12:41 pm
(546) A Guy says:

@Joey

You placed him in a very difficult position: no guy would want to tell their partner that they were turned on by other girls! And I don’t believe that you would be happy if he had told you that; you would have probably considered it a thoughtless answer given with no regard for your feelings. Just like if he told you that your new hairstyle looked awful.

Have you considered the possibility that this problem is your doing? You are the one that wants to control your boyfriend’s activities when you are away, not the other way around. And you are the one making excessive and unreasonable demands (i.e. NEVER look at any adult content).

@lourie

“Defend porn if you want, it was hidden from me and I never had the opportunity to choose if I wanted to live this way because my husband hid these things from me while we were dating.”

You sound like you’re talking about a sinister cult or something, as opposed to harmless websites. Porn should not be a problem if you follow a simple, logical pattern of thought:

1. Men will always masturbate, often in response to external stimuli such as bikini models on the TV, kinky movie scenes or otherwise erotic material. Abstaining from masturbation is unhealthy and unrealistic.

Therefore, you accept that:

2. Men will always be turned on and seek release from sources other than sex with their partners. It matters not whether this stimulation comes from normal, “every day” sources or from dedicated pornographic sources. In either case, other girls are involved. But this does not harm your relationship unless you allow it to.

This means that:

3. Porn does not harm relationships (or children) unless:

a) it is a sexual addiction in the sense that it interferes with normal life (career/education/sex/life) or;

b) you let it become an actual problem by making men feel guilty or turn to deception as a means of covering up what they are biologically compelled to do (as YOU have done).

January 14, 2011 at 2:06 pm
(547) Swedish person says:

Hi

Many people think that the number one thing that turns on a man is visual. That is wrong. It is actually for both men and women the brain (whats in your mind) that is the biggest turn on, or turnoff. for men the second thing is visual and third is by touch, then smell. For women: 2) touch 3) visual 4)smell.

So don’t ever when you have sex lie there and think about something else you have to BE THERE in the moment(nowhere else), and relax. Do you have worries about kids, your job or whatever. leave it out side the bedroom door. this is more inportant than you might think. who wants to have sex with a dead herring. and im not talking about doing all the moving. ether one of the partner might be exausted and let the other one do all the moving and still have grate sex. what im talking about is body language. if you feel into it and enjoy it, your bodylanguage will show it. if however you are thinking about your job or problems with your relatives it will show through your bodylanguage and your partner will be having sex with a dead herring or one of thouse old wind up toys. and let me tell you, your partner WILL pick up on this and will get feelings of insecurity.

January 14, 2011 at 11:47 pm
(548) Dana says:

It won’t get better. Men do not recover from porn addiction, because like all addictions, they are always there. And sex is everywhere. It is too tempting on the internet and so readily available. If you are “dealing” with that, you’re not really dealing with it in reality. It slowly erodes your self esteem, self worth, respect and love. It is toxic to a relationship. I am in no way a prude. I have always been sexually adventurous and open with my soon to be ex husband, and I am a beautiful woman that gets attention from men every day. Not to sound conceited, but I am not a wife that has let myself go, even though that is not a reason, some men use that reason to watch porn over their partners. It warps their ideas of what women should look like and be like in the bedroom. It desensitizes them so that normal sex no longer arouses them.

Ted Bundy was a porn addict. He had a hatred and disrespect towards women and he claims that porn is what made him start killing women. There is NOTHING good that can come from porn. Nothing.

If your husband is involved with it, you have to leave. I am leaving mine and I have never felt so relieved in my life to not have to be compared to the crack head porn stars. I no longer have to live up to expectations of doing the acrobatic stuff they do, because they are so high they feel nothing.

Strippers and porn stars are starving for attention and have such low self esteem. It is an industry that lends itself to the scum of the earth. Nobody classy engages in this garbage. Nobody with self worth, respect and that has better things to do with their life spends a minute on this crap.

Go find yourself someone worth it. Porn addiction is for losers.

January 15, 2011 at 12:01 pm
(549) Shane says:

I have been with my husband for 12 years and married for 2. From day 1 he has always treated me like a goddess…incredibly affectionate, amazing in bed, not at all sexually selfish. Excuse me for sounding crude, but this man would wipe my ass if needed. On the flip-side, my husband has always had an interest in porn also from day 1. And he has also always known my disinterest in it yet he still continues to watch it. Even just a day after being intimate with me he is up all night watching porn, which he thinks I am unaware of. And yet he still treats me as if I am the queen of all queens. I feel he has a secret life and this is incredibly confusing to say the least, so it has put a HUGE damper on our relationship. I am at a total loss.

January 21, 2011 at 8:59 am
(550) ucanthaveit says:

I’m trying to find answers why my husband is constantly looking at videos on his pc of porn. He’s been doing it since I met him (over 12 years) and YES I have explained to him numerous amounts of times how I feel about it, but he continues to do it. Sometimes I catch him masturbating to the porn but yet he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I’ve even offered to have sex with him and he has turned me down. I roll over and fall asleep only to wake up an hour later and catch him masturbating. He keeps making broken promises about not looking at it any longer. When I do catch him (last night) he denies it and gets really really loud telling me to shut the f..k up. We have sex once ever 2-3 months. I’m about ready to leave…I’m not sure what to do.

January 23, 2011 at 9:00 am
(551) ej says:

Just Leave, it will not change until they are ready, so just leave to send a clear message, we are too beautiful inside and out to be considered less than what God created us to be as women who deserve respect.

January 24, 2011 at 12:11 pm
(552) jessintx says:

WOW!! I can’t believe this thread has been going for years now!!
Ladies, I’m a woman, I hate porn. I dont think the problem is any of what I have read here though. I think it is that whole “trying to keep secrets” from us & really not getting why they think they need to lie to us. Even about stupid things. Like my husband was supposed to quit smoking..When I found a pack of cig’s in his truck, he tried to deny it! I didnt have a problem with the smoking , so there was no reason to lie. When he went to a strip club with buddies, I did not have a problem with it or feel threatened. So why did he start to lie about where he was going? I didnt have a problem with porn as long as he kept it where no one (kids) could get into it. So why did he try to lie when I found some porn downloaded on the computer? Well, that has been my problem anyway,, it’s not so much the acts, it’s the stupid need to lie about them! Anyone else feel this way??
Of course, we are not completely innocent. We lie about stupid stuff too. We are just better liars.

January 26, 2011 at 1:45 am
(553) huring4what says:

I am very very sexual. My husband insists that he isn’t sexual. We have been married 3 months. Initially I would pursue him all the time. And 95% of the time, he would reject me. I have lost a bit of weight since our wedding, that wasn’t the issue. Eventually my self esteem diminished. I talked to him about feeling unloved, hurt & unwanted. On the few occasions that he would initiate sex, it was always as soon as he woke up and the exact specifications of this “sex” were to roll me onto my side, use some spit &go at it for 2 min. I am sorry, but if there was a way for me to feel worse about myself, that was it. I understand that sometimes you just want a quickie, but this is EVERY time. I have made it clear to him that I think he is a selfish lover and I deserve better. Then I will get a week of better sex? & we are back to the roll me over thing. It is hurtful.

January 26, 2011 at 1:46 am
(554) hurting4what? says:

I had no problem with him looking at porn. But when I initiate sex constantly and he shoots me down then goes and looks at porn it’s a problem. I have offered & put a dvd in to try to watch porn with him. Now he tells me to take it out, he doesn’t want to watch that sh**. He did watch it once with me and we had fantastic sex. He absolutely refuses to do it anymore. The moment I leave the house or if I am still asleep when he gets up, he’s online wacking it to old lady porn. Could someone please explain to me why men are interested in this? When he first told me he liked it, I thought, great, I am going to get older so we shouldn’t ever have an issue. Now I hate it. I feel like I am missing out on intimacy that could be making our relationship stronger. I am a giving lover, I want to explore our sexuality together. I know I am missing out. I miss the connection, interest, & passion that goes with making love. I’m tired of masturbation. And yes, before I do that I go to him first, only to get rejected. I don’t know what to do. I love him, and he has some wonderful moments. I have tried everything I can think of. I could use a suggestion that doesn’t start with; you need to leave and find a new man. I love this man, I married this man, and I want to make it work. I do want to say that I have threatened to leave, and then we have everything that was lacking, but it ALWAYS goes back to the other stuff. I don’t want everything that I need when I am at my wits end and feel horrible about myself.

January 31, 2011 at 8:11 am
(555) Loving Lost and Found says:

I have been with my husband for 11 years. We have children from previous relationships. I don’t know where the problem started. We were very active and romantic for the first couple of years of our marriage. Then, his interest waned. I was very interested in him still and still am. But, almost like a switch, his desire for sex went away. I know I am still attractive. I try regularly to be intimate and nearly always get turned down. It is very painful to be rejected so absolutely. But, what hurts more, is I am being phased out by his use of porn. It’s as though I am not even there. I wish he still saw me as his partner. I’m not too sure if I can take much more of it. I have considered leaving him over it. My heart is broken and he denies even watching it. The lies, they are the worst. Why can’t he just come back to his very real wife and stop replacing sex with porn?

February 8, 2011 at 12:19 pm
(556) noreen says:

I am 28 and my husband is 34 .1 year back we got maried. He loved me so much and we used to have sex everyday,sometimes 2 times a day.But 2 months back things have changed.He just want to enjoy himself and he he go to climax very shortly. He is not interested to satisfy me.Nowadays once in a week only we have sex.I thought he might be tired because of office work and so I dint pressed for my pleasure.

Recently i saw a lot of porn collection in his external hard drive.I dint asked about that because the date he logged in was before marriage.So I thought he might have been watched before marriage and now he might have given up all those.

But what was shocking to me is when i saw lot of porn vidoes in his iphone.I asked him about that and he lied that he accidently clicked and not intentionally.

I feel very hurt deep in my heart and I am not feeling to love him like earlier.

Men who watch porn are selfish .They watch them for their self pleasure and do not care their wife .

February 8, 2011 at 1:50 pm
(557) steve says:

porn does not ruin your marriage, get over yourselves and just relax, if you leave your husband because he watches porn then youre an idiot.

i mean, its not like hes cheating and i dont want to hear that gateway stuff about how porn is a gateway to cheating, just shut up.

i smoke weed, i dont do cocain or heroin, i dont even drink alcohol. so just shut your mouth about how its going to lead to something else.

and woman near the top… porn is a stress reliever, just let us do our thing and get over it, women are too sensitive about dumb stuff that other dumb women have made a huge deal about.

im not saying all women are idiots, so shut up about that too.

February 13, 2011 at 11:03 am
(558) Joey says:

Are you married Steve? Because if you are…your wife should not be with you and most likely will need to seek out help for spousal abuse, I am sure. You have got to be the most horrible man I have ever come across on the internet. Only a child would insult people as you do. You spent you entire comment bashing and bad mouthing women…calling them idiots and dumb because the do not share your view, yet you insist you haven’t called us all dumb and you expect all women to shut up if they say such a thing. If you do not wish anyone to come back at you, try making more sense and speaking logically with fact. I don’t know how old you are, but a smart person (man or woman) will tell you that insults will get you nowhere…silly boy.

While I do not share all of “A guys” views, he speaks intelligently and believes his perspective to be a correct & sound one.

@ a guy…you seem to have forgotten I was adamant about not wishing to be with someone who viewed porn in the very beginning of our dating because I believed it unfair of me to wait until well into our relationship & spring it on him…then expect him to stop. I was lied to by my boyfriend so he could ensure I would continue with the relationship & this was the BIGGEST problem. It was fully my right to ask him to stop when I discovered it because I had already been up front with him before we got to involved & he chose not to be honest with me.

However, I would like all of you to know. We are now engaged. He gave up the porn after we had a long conversation about it. I still feel the way I did in the beginning…I would not remain with him if he kept the porn. We would have went our separate ways & people do that all the time. He made the choice to stay with me, I did not pressure him to do so. He is an adult who made his decision for himself. He says porn wasn’t even a big deal for him, had it been he may have made a different choice for himself. He is, after all…an adult.

February 19, 2011 at 6:29 am
(559) Claudia says:

Nice transexual. Thank you for sharing, love ‘em. I’ ve seen her

February 22, 2011 at 1:34 pm
(560) Moose says:

Some men are truly and insanely addicted to porn but others use it for situational reasons. Release stress? Yes. Several seconds of euphoria (dopamine)? Yes. Other men will use porn for a different reason: Backup. Women: If you’re too tired, menstruating or you just plain suck-in-the-sack, then he will use porn as a backup. Sometimes it’s just mere boredom for watching porn.

“Does he think about these other women when having sex with me? Doubt it – if he’s truly trying to please you in bed. If you think he is, then your sex life is stale because that is your concentration instead of experiencing the sexual moment with your partner.

“It hurts my feelings. How can I get him to stop?” Good luck stopping him. He won’t. IMO – the best advice is to let him watch all he wants but it’s your job to blow (pun) his mind sexually.

Show your man/husband that you are just as sexy as the women they watch when saluting the skin soldier. A LARGE part of that sexiness is being open to the portrayal (thigh highs, lingerie, etc.). Most (normal) porn is usually a bunch of scenes with men and women having sex in different positions. So try doing different positions and be enthusiastic about it (willingly and without any negative feedback as comfort allows). One last thing…show him that you are not above swallowing ;-)

February 25, 2011 at 6:19 pm
(561) fc20 says:

I am only 20 years old and I’ve been with the same guy for 4 years. We got engaged about a year ago and I love him with all my heart but he keeps lying to me about watching porn on his phone. When I first moved in with him, I found a bunch of it on his computer one day while I was trying to save some of my school work to his hard drive. I confronted him about it and he “stopped” looking at it and deleted it all right then. I know at the time he felt bad about it but now I’m not so sure.

Since then we’ve had plenty of talks about it so that he knows how it made me feel. It wasn’t the whole looking at another woman thing, it was that he hid it from me and lied about it. I’ve even offered to watch it with him but for some reason he doesn’t want to try that.

Recently I’ve had very bad problems with my monthly cycles. My last cycle lasted for 3 months without any breaks. I’ve been to the doctor numerous times and we’re working on the problem. So obviously, due to the problem I wasn’t really thinking about sex. Well I find out he’s been looking at porn on his cell phone. Naturally I got mad, again not because of the other women, because I’m in a bad state of health and literally can’t have sex. When I confronted him about it this time he called me selfish and said “well we couldn’t have sex so I needed to watch it.” I still performed other things on him to satisfy him so I think this is just an excuse. And I came to find later that day that he’s been looking at it since before my problem developed. So am I being too harsh when I tell him if he can’t be honest with me I’ll leave him? I just think I’m too young to be with someone who can’t be honest with me and acts so selfish when I’m so sick.

It’s not him looking at those women that bothers me, I know their all fake and I have a great body from playing volleyball and swimming, it’s the lies so what do you guys think?

February 26, 2011 at 2:37 pm
(562) Mary says:

It’s pretty amazing to see the disparity in the comments here. Truth is, all guys look at porn so don’t be naive and think differently. The real question is what does he look at.

March 10, 2011 at 11:40 pm
(563) Babes in Control says:

Ladies, I’d like to recommend that you read, Why Do Men Marry Bitches. It is written by Sherry Argov. It should give some insight on how to handle men. Follow the advice and tame those who want to act like a beast!

March 13, 2011 at 10:41 am
(564) more useless than porn says:

My husband and I have been married for 2 and a half years now, and have been dating for many more… I continually find results of his nasty habit on the family computer. We’ve talked about it and he acts like he’s offended i even bring up the issue, like it’s none of my business. We argue, and he says he’ll change…he never does.
It is a very hurtful thing. I decided I’m glad we can’t have children…glad he can’t poison any of my future offspring with his disgusting mind. My concerns are the same as the rest of the wives/girlfriends out there. he says he does it to release stress, or because i’m not there…bull crap. I am lonely and always there. He doesn’t touch me like he used to, doesn’t even act like I matter, or my feelings for that matter. I too think that my husband is thinking of lady gaga’s body when we do have sex (however infrequently that may be), or that he wants more (more partners, more fantasies, more disgusting/horrific things that don’t constitute a loving relationship) than i am willing to give/do. I don’t think that he could ever understand or care how much his addiction affects my self esteem and feelings of intimacy, or just how much it HURTS. It hurts more than a razor blade ever could.
I know many of you argue that it’s not cheating…but it is. It’s intimacy with someone/thing else…the idea of someone else is the exact same thing. It’s cheating to me and that’s all that matters. My heat is cheated on…and trampled on.
Is it so awful that all I want is to be his ‘one and only’ like he used to be mine? Is it so bad that I wanted him to want me? Well, before this porn thing leads to other things…I can’t trust him anymore…I’m getting out…he’s had enough chances. I’m done, might as well be…we’ve been gone for years now…

March 14, 2011 at 8:17 am
(565) Lourie says:

@ a guy

Yes I do make him feel guilty about it. It has been an addiction that I’ve noticed since we tied the knot. I never told him he could not masturbate, just not to porn or thinking about other women. He says he needs the inspiration of other women when he masturbates. I say why are you masturbating then? All this talk he gives me about his need to do it…why would he need inspiration? That sounds like he’s engaging in the activity for a release of dopamine and not out of an actual need. Also, if men are biologically the way you broke it down for me, why am I not biologically wired the same way or wired to accept the way that it is?

I know my dislike and disappointment in porn has not caused him to go to all those glory holes and be with a trainee while I was in the mental institution for depression. His ex fiancee was fine with porn and watched it with him. He cheated on her with 2 craigslist groups of people, an Asian masseuse parlor prostitute, and a woman in Mexico on vacation.

March 22, 2011 at 6:22 pm
(566) Starchild says:

Men can overcome Porn Addiction. With the help of GOD and Jesus. Come on now this is as old as mankind. The delivery system is new but the immorality prevalent in humans (mostly men) is so well documented in ancient and modern history that it isn’t even arguable by the rational mind. Immorality (including all forms of sexual perversions) was the state of mankind universally in all cultures prior to the advent of the Hebrew culture and the revelation of a single moral God and creator of the universe. Christianity carried this idea of a moral Law Maker/God forward and the world has (sexually) never been the same. Check it out. Assyria, Canaan, Babylon, Greece, Rome, Egypt, India, Mongolia, Saudi Arabia, the entire world of unregenerate humans is morally corrupt.
As we watched the institution of marriage attacked and derailed, as we watch Christian morals debunked and discarded by television, education and popular music and fiction. As we watch it become “unfashionalble and politically incorrect to say anything about the perversity that surrounds us every day trying to pass itself off as moral is it any wonder that man – woman relationships are failing. Unregenerate men only care about their sexual gratification. There is no moral barometer left in them to tell right from wrong or to help them understand why it is damaging their relationships. Love is what is missing. If you haven’t figured out yet why his watching porn makes you sad it is because his addiction (willful in the beginning but probably beyond his control now) has robbed him of the ability to equate sex with love. Instead it is a stress reliever, a dopamine injection, just another video game. It is a shame to see and hear about children being told “everyone does it”. What a huge LIE to tell to a child.
(continued)

March 22, 2011 at 6:23 pm
(567) Starchild says:

(continued) If a man does not have the ability to beat his addiction, nor the will to want to be free of his addiction, or the inability to even realize he has an addiction. GET OUT if you want a satisfying love. He may treat you like a queen and he may really love you…maybe it’s his only flaw, he likes porn. If you don’t mind then okay. But please don’t sit by and let him teach children that watching porn is normal behavior and everyone does not do it.
It is a daily fight and recommitment because you cannot escape sexually explicit pictures, movies, magazine covers except by living in a convent. It is not easy as the temptation is all around us all the time. God help us.

March 27, 2011 at 1:11 am
(568) jerrica says:

I think what a lot of guys are missing is the fact that you are desiring someone else. Have you ever thought of why women have such nifty sex toys? Because we want dick! Men aren’t the only ones who love sex. They just seem to prefer it by themselves. The truth is that women don’t like to just finger themselves hence the sex toys. We want more excitement too. But guys seem to have it in their heads that women can take the fact that their man doesn’t want just them. Men seem to be the easiest ego bruisers of all time.. they don’t want their girl to look at someone hotter than them, but they masturbate to fake sluts all the time. They don’t want their girl to talk to certain guys for fear their girl might like him b but he is supposed to check out any girl he wants when he darn well pleases. Men do not realize how much work us ladies put into our attire everyday. Just to make him happy and feel sexy for ourselves because our man is a selfish slob of a boy who has no self control. You complain that porn is a normal thingfor guys and that us women should deal with it. Its time to be a real man and deliver what you served to your girl without the porn. If you can’t be man enough to drop the porn and be with the one girl in your life then let her go to find someone who wants her and enjoy your porn. I can garuntee women will drop all sex toys if you drop your porn because just like porn was made to replace us vibrators were so designed to be better than the real deal. And no we won’t pick a tiny shlong like yours just like you don’t pick our body type in porn. We will get the huge one that will leave us never satisfied by you again. Its a 2 way road and if you want help being a rwal man its time to love your woman for who she is and all of your s*** that she puts up with. Men are the bigges tbabies on earth. I have no respect for men if they use porn and want other women. Simple as that.

March 28, 2011 at 2:54 am
(569) EM says:

I’ve grown up on porn. By that I mean I’m in my early 20s. At this point in my life, porn is porn: it’s just another occasional craving.

Think of the scenario like a sugar-binger with a tub of ice cream in the freezer. After 10+ years, he still eats ice cream – albeit less frequently, in smaller amounts, and with significantly less enjoyment.

I think one of the biggest draw of porn is that it’s supposed to be a bad thing. Getting over this childish perspective ironically made it less interesting. Thinking of it as normal made it easier to view objectively.

Finally, porn gets boring and loses most of its luster when you realize it’s a coping strategy for a generally static life.

March 28, 2011 at 1:51 pm
(570) Ian says:

I found some interesting statistics about the relationship between pornography and divorce.

- The Internet was a significant factor in 2 out of 3 divorces (Am. Academy of
Matrimonial Lawyers in 2003 Ė divorcewizards.com)
- Pornography use was correlated with an increase in infidelity of more than 300%. (Other factors may have also contributed to the infidelity, but it was a factor.)
- 56% of divorces involved one party having an obsessive interest in porn.
I just learned about this new software Ė http://www.partnerguard.com
For couples that are trying to work together, do you think this could be helpful?

March 30, 2011 at 12:33 pm
(571) jerrica says:

Ok, look here and listen little boys. John p you are a dispicable source of man. For the most part in my opinion most men I see are ugly repulsive men with no attraction. The younger men seem to keep in shape but I’m certain as men age they lose themselves and get beer guts and are not in shape and don’t keep clean and attractive. Women on the other hand go above and beyond with the little things to be sexy and still we are turned down because of porn. We were heels and sexy skirts and are put into uncomfortable situations to be ever so sexy to our man just to be compared, yes compared because to look and see is to judge and observe. How else would we decide if something was attractive or sexy? Men put all the blame on us women saying we are not keeping up with the modern woman image. Those women in mags are paid to get beautified every day all day. Normal women have shift work jobs with kids and a husband to look after. And what does the hubby do? Eat, poop, make a mess, do yard work, watch porn, be lazy and gets fat. Where’s your 12 pack abs john p? Where’s you handsome flawless face. With perfect features? Not to mention if your legs aren’t long enough or your arms aren’t big enough your not sexy or worth the time to have sex with. How does it feel being compared to models and sexy men? Awesome right! Especially when your wife will be thinking of him and not you when you get it in tonight. :0) men are so shallow because of porn and the false image of what a “real” woman looks like. Don’t condemn your wife for having your baby because those curves were a gift from you too. I’m 19 and if I can see this when “grown” men can’t that’s dispicable.

March 30, 2011 at 12:33 pm
(572) jerrica says:

Ok, look here and listen little boys. John p you are a dispicable source of man. For the most part in my opinion most men I see are ugly repulsive men with no attraction. The younger men seem to keep in shape but I’m certain as men age they lose themselves and get beer guts and are not in shape and don’t keep clean and attractive. Women on the other hand go above and beyond with the little things to be sexy and still we are turned down because of porn. We were heels and sexy skirts and are put into uncomfortable situations to be ever so sexy to our man just to be compared, yes compared because to look and see is to judge and observe. How else would we decide if something was attractive or sexy? Men put all the blame on us women saying we are not keeping up with the modern woman image. Those women in mags are paid to get beautified every day all day. Normal women have shift work jobs with kids and a husband to look after. And what does the hubby do? Eat, poop, make a mess, do yard work, watch porn, be lazy and gets fat. Where’s your 12 pack abs john p? Where’s you handsome flawless face. With perfect features? Not to mention if your legs aren’t long enough or your arms aren’t big enough your not sexy or worth the time to have sex with. How does it feel being compared to models and sexy men? Awesome right! Especially when your wife will be thinking of him and not you when you get it in tonight. :0) men are so shallow because of porn and the false image of what a “real” woman looks like. Don’t condemn your wife for having your baby because those curves were a gift from you too. I’m 19 and if I can see this when “grown” men can’t that’s dispicable.

March 30, 2011 at 1:13 pm
(573) jerrica says:

On the same token if your in a relationship why do you need porn if your lady is willing and read? Practicaly begging for some sex. Is it to feel all powerful and in control of her orgasmis it to make you feel good about yourself knowing she’s in suspense wanting you? Because all of the above are very selfish in anyones eyes. I understand as a male you’re entitled to protect and defend your domaine but to go as far as to make lame excuses why you won’t touch you wife and go romp around and fondel yourself instead is a pitiful excuse of a boy. Any male who does so is not a man and that is justified by the definition of an adult. To assume responsibilities for your actions and endure consequesnces for your mistakes. Your lady is your responsibility as you are hers, hence monogamouse relationship. The consequences of your actions would be her not wanting sex with you at all because you are a selfish slob. No one said sex was clean or neat but it is enjoyable with someone else who is real. Anything but the such is a disgrace to man kind. The common excuse for men cheating was its human nature and now the excuses for porn is its human nature and its natural and helps prevent cheating. What? Because of the attraction instict?

March 30, 2011 at 1:30 pm
(574) jerricaj says:

Masturbation is normal only when arousal cannot be sufficed with another person or naturally. Disapear. However it is not normal to search for something to be aroused by when things of different matters need to be done elsewhere like chores, work, dinner, etc. And spending coutless hours day and night to fulfil some issue inside your pants that you created is monsterous and consequential when you have a lady in your life. Its also super sadening that there seems to be no real love anymore. I wastold one day that when someone is truly sorry for what they’ve done they are only sorry once and it never happens again. It doesn’t mean hide it better or decieve more. What is so bad about honesty? And why does every guy say every woman eats and watches drama when she is upset?? I personally workout at a gym and don’t eat for hours because food pisses me off for that reason when I’m upset. But the porn issue is universal unlike the above issue about eating. But just because it occurs a lot doesn’t mean its healthy or a good thing. Death is not a good thing and the toll it takes on others is not healthy in the long run. I really hope any guy reading this will see my point. And try to look inside himself for the real problems and what he really values out of life. A 5 second high sounds a little rediculous compared to a lifetime of love and happiness and rollercoaster adventures with someone by your side. My boyfriend realized this…

March 31, 2011 at 10:56 am
(575) Mark says:

To the wives (or husbands) who have partners enjoying “porn” secretly or without them,

I am a husband who occasionally (once a week) enjoys looking at sites with naked women and even some more hardcore sites with videos of all different kinds of sexual behavior. I have been married 10 years, and although I used to view “porn” as a kid and young adult out of curiosity and to get some knowledge/pointers, I didn’t have much interest in adult films viewed alone in the first 9 years of my marriage. I did asked my wife if we could view some adult films together early on in our marriage but she refused (even very tasteful, mild stuff). She also refused to go to adult shops to view toys and other sexual aids. So for me, I had (and have) a partner who really isn’t willing to stretch her comfort level sexually with regard to any outside information or education. It feels like I learned everything I have to know about sex and pleasure 10 to 20 years ago and I have actually regressed as a lover! (which isn’t great for my self esteem).

My wife and I went to a parenting class last night (which she planned and organized and I give her a lot of credit for) and we really became present to the fact that adults have children and are expected to do what’s called “parenting” with little or no guidance, classes, expertise, or experience. I mention this because sex and intimacy is very similar! No one tells you how to do it, educational materials we label as “porn”, we actually shame one another for viewing adult materials, and the people who are most against adult materials are likely people who have done very little to explore their partners nor their own passions and pleasures. (continued)

March 31, 2011 at 11:12 am
(576) jerrica says:

And my guy and I are still together. Its been almost 5 months since I found out about what he was doing to me ALONG with porn. So tell me how this is natural. And how I’m supposed to be ok with this. My boyfriend and I dated for 4 months before we took eachothers virginity, then a few times after that he started losing feelings for me because I wasn’t acting like the girls in porn. Then he lost even more feelings because he would mentally picture some other girl in my place and when it was over I wasn’t her and that turned him off to me in every way. He pushed me away and made me a bootycall instead saying he was just too tired or didn’t feel good. But then he would go jerk it like a monkey at 11 pm till 2 am. He started looking at girls pics on meetlocals.com and adultfriendfinder.com and going to chat sites like meebo.com and the live chats on porn sites. I found all of this out after a year and a half with this boy and all I thought was the honeymoon phase was over. But the real truth came out and it was heart crushing. The funny thing was he is one of the nice guys too. Honestly if this is the new norm I would rather be a lesbian than deal with some stupid boy playing me like a card in his strip poker games.

March 31, 2011 at 12:10 pm
(577) Brian Bigelow says:

First off, I work in a porn store and I see more than enough of it at work.

Where I think it causes problems is when someone tries to hide it from their spouse. By their hiding it, it shows that maybe communication isn’t quite what it needs to be between the two partners of the marriage which coincidentally underlies a lot of divorces.

Yes, porn is very addictive. It shows sex with no strings, no commitments, it is strictly fantasy, there is no intimacy in it. People get caught up in gambling fantasies too, in my mind it’s the same thing.

A couple of my sons didn’t quite like my viewpoints regarding porn. Many years ago Pavlov did a study, ring a bell a dog will salivate. Porn is designed to cause a response which a man will respond to, in many cases they really can’t help it.

April 5, 2011 at 3:02 pm
(578) Mari says:

I’ve been dating a guy for over a year, and we are extremely serious. Before this relationship I was a virgin, but I had sex with him because I really loved him and felt it was right. Things have still been great ever since then. He tells me how special I am, how I’m the most beautiful girl in the world, and how he would never even look at anyone else. I had sex with him out of love, and he has said that that’s how he feels too. Recently, I took his phone to look something up on the internet. I opened a new page, and i found seven pages of porn. He quickly took back his phone and began apologizing. I told him it was ok, but he knew I didn’t mean it. I was reluctant to have sex in the first place and did it out of love, where him looking at porn completely took the love out of sex and turned it into something dirty. It made me feel cheep, and used. It made me feel like him having sex with me was him only wanting to get off. I also didn’t understand why he did it, we have sex very often. He told me that he looked at it while he masturbated because he was “in pain”. The next day I looked at his phone again, and he had googled My girlfriend caught me with porn what do I do? A yahoo answers page came up, and it said that he had done nothing wrong and that I was over reacting. I talked to him, and his tune had completely changed, saying that he didn’t understand why this
bothered me and he didn’t do anything wrong. He even said “I’ve apologized what more do you want me to do?” and then accused me of looking at one of our friends who he has always been jealous of.
He told me it was only once, but I know it wasn’t. He’s been verbally and emotionally abusive for a long time, but I just put up with it. But looking at porn was the final straw.
I can’t understand why he would do it. It’s not like I’m unattractive. I’m skinny, I have a good figure, I have a large butt, and I am naturally a D. I just don’t get it.
I feel completely betrayed, cheated, and just plain confused.

April 8, 2011 at 6:16 am
(579) annoynonous fan says:

annoynomous, thank you for voice of reason. as for the rest of you who enjoy porn together: that is so sweet. perhaps you’d like to smoke crack together too? this is an addiction, people, not a healthy, satisfying pastime.

April 19, 2011 at 6:05 pm
(580) Max says:

I have always masturbated. Ever since I was 12. I have and had a regular life. I have a Evangelical/Lutheran background and was a very devout Christian as a child. I prayed all the time, I was the last in my group to lose my viginity and I never even tried pot until I was 25. I am married and I love my wife very much. I do not cheat on her, in what I would view as cheating. In fact every woman I dated before her and one wife. I NEVER cheated on any of them. We had a regular sex life (me and all of these women) sex at least once a week, I like hugging and kisses and long talks and all of that.But I have always masturbated. If porn did not exist, I would masturbate. You know what I think the problem truly is. The problem is porn as a tool depict specific acts through the use of real people. Obviously, when someone views porn they choose things of interest to them. We ALL have fantasies that we do not talk about. If you say you don’t, I would have to say you are either a liar or mentally disturbed. I mean that literally and honestly. So, if I went and masturbated say with a tool, like a vibrator, and fantasized in my head you would never be able to see what I was fantasizing about. The personal privacy of my own head. Something I think we can all agree is everyone’s right. Now, if I go on line and find porn to masturbate to I leave a trail, apparently no matter how hard you try.

Now when you go and look at what I was looking at, to me in a lot of ways, that is like looking into my personal fantasies, the ones that I probably wouldn’t even THINK about really doing or for that matter even be able to do in some cases. I really feel in someways it is a violation.

April 23, 2011 at 7:28 am
(581) VerdictFromthePeanutGallery says:

Here’s your tough love verdict.

Porn Boyz:
There’s IS absolutely nothing “natural” about spending hours and hours a day having “sex” with monitor and some surgically altered and graphically enhanced images that are pretending to do half the crap you think they are. There’s not an animal in the entire kingdom that does anything that base and stupid.
Cluephone: women like variety too. In actuality SHE’s using those “toyz” thinking about your shirtless, in-shape friend that helped you build your deck last summer.
Sux, yeah, but as you note, well, we’re “visual” ; we’ve all got our personal secrets and that’s fine.
BUT, and this is a major but, when this behavior is excessive and clearly harming your family (and yourself) it’s time to use the brain God gave you You DO have one right?? We’d ALL like to live on cheesecake and pizza instead of oatmeal and vegetables but we don’t because it’s BAD FOR US. Get the analogy? Gluttony.

Rationalizations for your gluttony aside there IS a very simple way to break this “addiction”. TURN OFF THE POWER and find something PRODUCTIVE to do with your clear abundance of free time.

Here’s a hard facts from your resident nurse. In 20 years when your crybaby take-the-easy-way out-of-everything-sit-in-front-of-a-computer lardbutt starts breaking down, your wife and family is your *lifeline*. Stroke, CAD, Cancer, Alzheimers. You’ll be VERY sorry you destroyed your marriage when that happens I promise. Someone you’ve been with five years is not going to wipe your butt or your drool or push you in a wheelchair. I promise that too.

So find some personal discipline and trade in your grotesque images for the role of serving as a protector of your family against destructive influences.
In some cultures it’s called being a man.

April 26, 2011 at 2:10 pm
(582) Broken Hearted says:

I am simply amazed at all of the responses here. I had no idea there were so many women out there with the same issue. My husband looks at porn and lies about it.

The problems I have with this:

A. He knows how I feel about it but does it anyway
B. He LIES about it
C. When you are married or in an intimate relationship with someone, the feeling you have when you reach climax should be reserved for the person you love.
D. He sees it as innocent
E. It has, previously, led to him exploring craigslist in order to have an affair

Hating porn is not about self image for me. I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman and I know it. Hating porn is about what my husband is experiencing while looking at another woman. Men will argue that it’s not cheating because he’s not having sex with the woman on the screen. Ah! But he IS. Masturbating while fantasizing that you’re with her is the SAME thing as cheating.

I am this | | close to divorcing him. 13 years of marriage are about to go down the tubes. I refuse to have my sons (4 of them) believe that this behavior is acceptable or to have my daughter believe that it’s okay to be treated like a whore.

So, for all intents and purposes, I am going to give him a taste of his own medicine. I have decided that he doesn’t truly grasp why I feel the way that I do. Time to show him. If he still doesn’t stop, it’s going to end. I can’t take it anymore. Porn is ruining my marriage, I refuse to let it ruin my life.

By the way, guys, if you’re reading this, we women aren’t insecure! We are really PISSED OFF that you enjoy fantasizing about having sex with someone else. It almost always leads to cheating (or attempting to). So just stop and talk to your wife. We do listen (even if we get angry at first)!

April 28, 2011 at 4:23 pm
(583) Summer says:

Ok, I am married to a wonderful man whom I love very much. I have to say that all of you ladies out there are pretty much freaking out about this whole porn thing. If you dont want your husband to cheat, keep him pleased. I mean I buy my husband porn, we go to the toy store, and we watch porn together. I really dont feel as if it is a big threat to watch it because I actually enjoy it myself. for the reference -no i am not bi, however I like to keep my husband happy and have wild fun in the process. Get out of the house and experience nature and record your own porn film, you would be suprised at how much fun you will have. Stop being so insecure about yourself and you will see that your relationship will improve. I know that I love God and I know that porn is bad, Im not even being hypocritical, but Im just saying dont let something so stupid bother you. Trust me, he is with you for a reason so perk up and enjoy it with him!!

April 29, 2011 at 8:03 am
(584) James Banes says:

I’m a married man. I look at porn. My wife isn’t as attractive as I’d want her to be. I bought her a gym membership. But she’s more interested in being a couch potatoe. I watch lesbian porn. So I think that makes her double mad cuz I’m looking at two or more chicks at one time. It’s unrealistic for her to think I can only fantasize about her. Even before I watched porn I always fantasized about more than one woman.

She hates my watching porn. She asks why I do it. I do it cuz she let herself go, rejects sex from me, can sometimes be boring in bed, can be a nag, etc. So now she sometimes offers sex. But I know it’s cuz she wants to compete the women I look at during porn. I’d be a turn-on if she genuinely wants sex. But she doesn’t. So I’m the type of husband who rejects sex with a wife who’s only offering it cuz she feels insecure. I think all guys believe women are overreacting. I haven’t touched another woman. Get over it.

Porn is a guilt free fantasy. I have tons of files store on my laptop. I just drive to some deserted parking lot and watch it without the hassle of my wife barging in. Simple as that.

April 29, 2011 at 12:19 pm
(585) Jake says:

So I’ll tell you a little story of triumph…Girl says to guy: “I don’t like you watching porn, it makes me feel x…Do you care about me, still attracted to me?”

Guys says: I still love you, attracted to you etc…I’m just visual and porn has become a regular part of my masturbatory practice….

Girl is smart…transforms situation in to a arrhythmic expression.

Guys watch porn, and my guy still loves me(Y) + I (the girl) wants to satisfy my man and be the center of his desires(x) + Getting all sexy and making porn videos = ONE FREAKIN HAPPY BOYFRIEND.

So now its not even an issue and I don’t watch porn as much…instead I watch her ;)

The moral of this story is ladies, you can’t force change nor can you expect someone to be honest with you when you make them feel ashamed and guilty of the behavior. research suggests that when people are ashamed they withdraw from help and continue to increased comfort in the the behavior.

My suggestion is simple, incorporate yourself in to any and ALL desires of your partners (goes for men too because women have fantasy!) and try not to have the first thing come out of your mouth about his sexual desires be “that’s disgusting, or that’s demeaning, or that’s silly or stupid”. No man wants to be treated like a child and sharing sexuality with another person is VERY intimate and intimidating no matter how long you have been with your partner. You must remember, your partner’s sexual development was there LONG before you were, as was what turns you on, so therefore treat this conversation as you would want him to treat you when you as him, “does this dress really make me look fat”? You wouldn’t expect him to be insensitive so please try not to be insensitive to him and his needs, especially when they center around a topic that makes him vulnerable.

April 29, 2011 at 12:20 pm
(586) Jake says:

Continued…

Relationships take work, understanding, and effort on both parties. I am not suggesting to you, men, that when your partner says this bothers her to dismiss it. What I am saying to you, women, is you must be prepared to have an honest and OPEN conversation about sexuality and be ready to have compromise like the solution my girlfriend found. And you know what, after her doing this she REGULARLY admits she feels more sexy and turned on when she makes videos for me and it boosts her self esteem that I am so turned on by her.

I mean honestly, you can be a good girlfriend, wife, mother, and a FREAKIN PORN STAR TOO! What man doesn’t want that!!!?

Life is all about how you frame it. Hope this helps a bit.

April 29, 2011 at 9:43 pm
(587) Summer says:

Thank you Jake, I see there are more people out there besides me and my husband!! I just wish that women would understand that what forces a man to cheat and then they wonder well why with her she is so ugly..hahha….just had to throw that in there….well its because she does things that you would never attempt to do, you have to get inside a guys mind and quiet frankly i love having sex and enjoy it when I do, yall should to and dont turn him down every time he wants it and in return you should initiate it first sometimes.!! Have the camera ready and rolling!!

May 1, 2011 at 4:08 am
(588) susan says:

hi there

i have a similar problem

married 2 yrs and in this space of time i have caught my husband lying to me about his family, his property, his viewing of porn and looking up escorts, and recently a pop-up chat website was left on the computer — there was nothing to indicate that this website has ever been used — no account was created and nothing showed in the history but i can’t help feeling there is no smoke without fire.

He has vehemently denied any wrong-doing – but he always does.

we are estranged with his parents
they recently shafted him of a $$$ joint property
he has made some financial errors since then & been very depressed.
i have caught him looking up porn and local escorts before- which he denied.
i am a christian and he is not.
what do i do?

May 4, 2011 at 7:22 am
(589) Amro says:

Question, Are ladies not intrested in watching porn movies? Please reply!!!

May 4, 2011 at 5:55 pm
(590) Summer says:

Amro–yes some are I am proof, I enjoy watching it with my man!

May 12, 2011 at 5:05 pm
(591) justlearned says:

I think this site proves that there are so many different ways to view this subject.
It’s a moral decision that belongs to each person as an individual. Best way is to find and be with someone who thinks like minded on this issue with you. Boundaries and expectaions are important to talk about early on in a relationship….there’s your prevention lecture…
Maybe someone thinks porn is just a tool for masterbation.. maybe it is.. maybe it’s not.. maybe said wife doesn’t put out enough… maybe she does…. maybe his sex drive is down for her cause he didn’t save it up for her…. maybe she has a hot body and a beautiful face.. but if sex becomes a chore to someone…and masterbation is easier….. blah blah… there are way too many variables to say there is only one set of rules for everyone…. been here… did this…. I hated porn,… and I’m not going to explain how I was about it… cause many women on this site already have…. I’m just going to say what I learned and what I’m doing to cope now… I understand my guy and porn use now…. I love him… and it’s unconditional… the real kind of love….so I’m going to lose no matter what anyway… And for ME…my individual needs are: As long as he wants me when I want him….and we have healthy, satisfying sex to both of us,…..I’m fine if he needs or just wants to masturbate using porn twice in a month. I don’t ever, ever want to catch, see, or find any evidence of it to hurt me all over again with that rush of feelings I’ve worked so hard to shove away. I’m not going there again. My man doesn’t prefer to masturbate to these women on porn, it’s just something to look at so he can get do things to his liking, and be done, so he can stop thinking about it for the day. If a man thinks about sex 6 times a day on average, (I’m close behind there myself), he’s telling himself no a lot already or he’d have it in his hand all day…..so people….In my case, that works for me.

May 14, 2011 at 3:00 pm
(592) lynn says:

I am at the end of my rope. My husband of 32 years continues to shut me out physically. This problem almost ended our marriage several years ago, thought it was resolved, reared its ugly head again today. I came home to find him locked in his room masturbating with porn on. This is the third time this has happened in the last few weeks. It is almost like he wants to get caught. I am beyond words at this point. I am angry, hurt and really just want to get him out of my life for good. There were difficulties early in the marriage, was called a prude, told I was boring in bed. I should have gotten out then. The sexual issues started way before me and unfortunately I have paid the price every day that I stay with this man. To all you women out there, if this is going on in your marriage, get out and find someone who cherishes you, loves you unconditionally, and knows how to be intimate. I have gone through 32 years of hell.

May 14, 2011 at 10:48 pm
(593) double standard says:

We have sex often and generally our relationship is good. He chooses to watch porn, there’s nothing i can do about that. I don’t like it, it’s just how it is.

The thing i have issue with the most is after he has been watching porn and then he wants sex with me. He’s getting off with someone else in his head – sex with him after porn is a real turn off. It’s like i’m not there. We’ve talked about it and he says he understands, that he wouldn’t like it if it was the other way around.

Now he just hides his ‘porning’. I can still tell the difference, that is sex with him when he has been watching porn or not is very different. Sex after porn is cold and mechanical and all about him – i could be anyone. It’s a reall turn off.

He feels threatened if he thinks i’m looking at another man, yet he openly perves and comments on other women on a daily basis.

I feel cheated.

May 16, 2011 at 5:25 am
(594) Gethelred says:

Look, in all honesty, I feel myself a porn addict.

I am young; barely 23. I am not in a relationship, but even if I was I cannot at this point see myself being able to stop. My last relationship had an issue at the point she saw how much porn I was watching, and I frankly wouldn’t have blamed her had she left me because of it.

I am currently trying to stop. I hate myself for continuing with this accumulated guilt; I was raised, while I am not currently, a Catholic. I am a writer, and I edit online; I edit for people who want to write about sexual things, as well as others. For me, at least, the issue is I find myself unable to successfully visualise a woman whom I love in my mind, sexually. I love them, I can and love sex with them, but I cannot, and in fact need not, fantasize about them; as i can achieve fruition with them, I need not do so. I once read of a man who always knew he would be in a relationship with a particular girl, so he thus had no need to fantisize about her. This is what I am talking about.

In the past three, four years, I have liked in a sexual way. I have found countless women attractive, even found women relationship worthy, and not been able to fantasize about them. Truly, I wish I could. I am trying, currently, to stop, but it is simply that much harder that I feel guilty about this; deeply, utterly, guilty.

May 16, 2011 at 5:26 am
(595) Gethelred says:

Continued…

Look, Luckily, my addiction has never had any impact on my relationships; I am not old enough to stop it from getting me physically able when I wanted to be. But I truly fear for my future, and for the women I want to date then; I have no desire to hurt them, in any way.

I am not Catholic anymore; I consider myself an Atheist. I am fully aware that this, in and of itself, will lend me to ridicule and despite; I truly don’t care. If you wish to have a go at me for listing my religious preference, then fine; I don’t care. Besides, in this- my- country, the women I have dated, despite having mental issues like depression and low self esteem, have been able to brush aside my addiction- although, at that point at least I had been able to keep the porn to a minimum. My most recent relationship had no issue with my porn; she had me go into sex shops, and buy us both porn.

Now, girls, this is NOT A SOLUTION. Regardless of what anyone else here will say, or believe, the best- and easiest- way to save yourself untold grief and heartache simply is to ban porn from your relative partner’s lives. Believe me, this is a hardline approach, but it is simply not only the better one, but the only one for truly lasting happiness. For the men, this is only an affirmation, and condones their habit. It may even lead to you being addicted, although that is unlikely.

May 16, 2011 at 5:29 am
(596) Gethelred says:

Men are not hypocrites, just the ones like me. I, personally, promote women’s rights, and I believe in complete equality for all; I can simply acknowledge my utter hypocrisy, and fight to improvement. The only thing on my side for this is that I’m young.

My point is, as I said, not all men are hypocrites. There is help out there, for those willing to admit a problem; for the wives of those men, search porn addiction on any search browser. You will find countless websites offering help. I personally find a degree of truth in John P.’s and Suzanna’s comments early on in this; the emphasis is on both men, to give up their addiction, and believe that they have one, and women, to acknowledge that this is their problem as well as their husbands, and to help them deal with it.

To anyone dismissing this as an actual addiction, let me set you straight. I am a university student, and I have studied any number of subjects. As you have no doubt gathered, I have this addiction. I am trying, but have thus far been without sucess, to stop. I have been trying for six months.

May 16, 2011 at 5:30 am
(597) Gethelred says:

I have not the money to confront a professional about this, and I truly wish I could. I do not want to inflict myself on a woman until I am actually able to stop this obscenity, and let’s get one thing straight before I get any further- just because I am an Atheist does not inhibit my ability to be moral, nor does it disallow my desire to be better for my partner. Just because I do not believe in a sky god- and I mean that with no degree of disrespect, despite my flair for dramatic language- does not impede my ability to want to become better.

Yours Sincerely,

Gethelred.

PS: if any of you wish to reach me, my email address is edited…. If you wish to abuse me for my religious preference, all I can say is that you have been warned; I am rather free with my words when it comes to criticism. If you allow yourself to be open to such, I will reply. However, should you be a wife who should desire advice- and frankly, LOOK FOR IT, it will be worth it. MAKE YOUR MEN LOOK FOR HELP, AND ADMIT THEIR ADDICTION. Trust me, as an addicted man who has tried to stop.

May 17, 2011 at 12:15 pm
(598) someone says:

i have a question i am 18 years old and in a relation i some times watch porn like once a week or so its not that i fantasise about those women or what, its just that i like the feeling of masturbating and i know that i would never cheat on my girlfriend but still it feels like i am cheating her when i am watching porn i always think by my self i am just gona stop but when i borred or something i watch porn does any one have tips for to stop watching porn easyer?

May 17, 2011 at 5:06 pm
(599) Angry Wife says:

I have been married for 10 months now and before I tied the knot, my hubby asked me if I was into porn, and I was like, no I’m not into that kind of stuff because the people who do it are just degrading themselves in front of a camera for attention, and he was like ok, since you don’t approve of it, I won’t bring it to your attention any more. I caught him watching it so many times after we got married and he sat there trying to deny it when the proof was right in his face! Every time I confront him about it, he is like its not porn, its an uncut video. Like seriously, I wasn’t born yesterday and I’m not as stupid as he thinks I am. I’m seriously ready to leave this man because of that. I really hurts me because he’s always blaming me for his actions. Everyday I have to go to school, cook, clean, take care of my daughter and pick up after and take care of him and this is the type of thanks I get. One thing I know for a damn fact, this marriage ain’t gonna last.

May 18, 2011 at 3:39 pm
(600) billsmith says:

Being a husband who loves his wife and sees himself as someone who generally cares about her feelings and self esteem it is painful to hear words like “hurt” and betrayal” with regard to their husbands watching porn. Obviously that is because I watch it. I have tried repeatedly not to only because of her reaction but it is so so hard to stop.

Here is why I do it: I get horny. My wife says she isn’t in the mood. I say okay honey no big deal – then I think to myself “I guess I’ll just go take care of myself”. Its that simple.

That said, I don’t think it is reasonable for me to expect her to be available every time I want sex. I just wish she would understand that It’s gonna happen one way or the other.

May 18, 2011 at 3:40 pm
(601) billsmith says:

I wish women would try to see it from a man’s perspective. I’ll try to change the scenario a bit:

FORUM TOPIC:

My wife being social is ruining our marriage!!

When I got married my wife never told me that she talked to her friends. Then about 6 months ago I caught her in the closet downstairs with the phone telling her friend about a new dress she just bought. It cut me like a knife! I am so hurt and she has promised to stop but i cant trust her anymore. I keep seeing numbers on her phone and she told me they were for the pharmacist and grocery store. Then I called one and found out it was from her mother! She was talking to her for over an hour! We have 3 little kids and they are going to be effected by this as well I am sure! When we were married she promised that she would be faithful to me! That means that if she has needs for communication that she should talk to me about them. Aren’t I enough for her? Why can’t she just talk about everything with me and have that be enough for her??? When i confronted her about it again last night she said that it is because I’m in meetings at work and that she needs to discuss how she is feeling right away. I doubt this is true though. I think she has some sick need for a variety of talking partners. I blame all the social networks like facebook that are out there these days!! Do you realize over 250 million women log on there at least once a day? She says its harmless. That just because she talks and shares her thoughts and feelings with others doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me anymore. B.S. I think this marriage is over…

May 19, 2011 at 12:51 am
(602) Always Amused says:

Well I have to say Billsmith that your post definitely made me laugh.

I am 25, educated, successful, engaged, and COMPLETELY NORMAL. I have several female friends who have confided in me that they are unhappy with their husbands/boyfriends porn viewing activites, and honestly I really try and see things from their prospective but I just canít. I have always been a very curious person, and of course this curiosity lends itself to my sex life as well. I believe that it is perfectly normal to seek out information even in things like pornography.

Iím not saying by any means that I come home every night a log into a porn site, but I do find myself there from time to time. Sometimes, honestly, Iíll peruse when I am just bored and there is nothing good on TV. I am fascinated, as well as aroused, by many new and different things. Perhaps instead of feeling down/criticizing menís fascination with porn women should get out there and find out if there is a porn type for them. They make quite a lot of ďfemale friendlyĒ porn videos out there, and some of them are quite nice. Also, perhaps the ladies might consider stepping outside of their mental box for a moment and take a gander at something that is a little less mainstream. As I write this I honestly cannot think of one female friend I have who hasnít at some point confessed a desire/fantasy that wasnít ďabnormalĒ i.e. different than the mainstream socially approved curiosity. Itís OK to be turned on by something even if you would never do it in real life!

May 19, 2011 at 4:37 am
(603) Confused 19 Girl says:

To me it is not the fact that men like porn that is harmful but the fact men like porn because it’s violent, and it makes women unhappy. It makes us think that men WANT to see us unhappy. Porn makes women upset and sometimes even suicidal -FACT. This is simply because there is no trust for a lover nowadays if they like to watch women being abused. There are images everywhere of women being raped violently, even slapped, and the men are LOVING it. FACT. It’s a sad reality.
What the tragedy is, is that those girls are all raped, they have no say in how they have sex, and what they dont show is that they are being raped, they are probably crying on the inside, they feel weak. What they also dont show is the women in tears afterwards. Women, think yourselves lucky youre not one of those forced girls.
Problem is men just think they LOVE IT, but they couldn’t be more wrong. I’d love to see a man being punished until hes so worn down hes almost suicidal, but unfortunatly in this sad reality that just wouldn’t happen as women are women and men are men. Girls, I had a boyfriend who has exposed me and awoken me to the sad sad violence/punishment that comes with porn. I feel sorry for all you women and im writing this to spread the message that men need to realise the women all HATE IT AND WANT TO CRY WHEN THEY ARE ABUSED IN PORN, and women need to a) not encourage it and b) look after themselves.

May 20, 2011 at 2:24 am
(604) A little upset says:

I have read many comments on here and wasn’t planning on commenting myself but I feel I need too. A couple posts have made me mad. I am personally dealing with issues in my marriage with porn. We are a young couple ( I am 23, him 26) and I again tonight found porn sites on the computer. He has known from the start I do not like this and that it hurts me. Yet, he continues to do it. I am at my witts end of what to do.

We have an okay sex life.. with jobs, and a kid, and everyday life.. it does take a toll on it. But I am no prude. I have TONS of outfits, toys, etc.. We make our own movies and I am open to things he tells me he is interested in. Even though most of the time I KNOW it is something he’s seen in some porn, which disgusts me. I am an attractive woman and enjoy sex for the most part… why is he always going to these porn sites?

The porn isn’t even the worst part, it is the lying and the hiding, and the complete disregard for my feelings that hurts me the most. I try to confront him and it never ends well. He knows all he has to do is come talk to me and tell me what the problem is yet he chooses to continue watching this stuff. It personally disgusts me. I have tried watching it with him and it actually turns me off more. Watching other people have sex doesn’t do anything for me.

If he told me he wasn’t comfortable with something, for example me being friends with an ex, then I respect that and act accordingly. Why am I not extended the same respects.

Like I said, the actual porn is the least of the problem, it is the disrespect, and disregard for my personal feelings which he is well aware of that hurts me the most. If your going to do it, at least cover it up better! When us wives find it, it hurts so bad. I always wonder “does he think of them when he is ‘with’ me”..” I am never going to be good enough”… I just don’t know what to do anymore :/

May 20, 2011 at 2:26 am
(605) Sharon says:

I’m mother of two kids and would certainly have divorced the man of my life when i found out he was masturbating on porn. Forget trying to get him back to you, he was never yours, you are the physical material which him realise his porn fantasies with those countless women. Come on girls you deserve better! he is the one lacking, just like a man needs viagra. A tooth for tooth, those men in porn have sex like hell, get some pleasure by masturbating too, experience it once at least, let yourself go. I’m no longer making love to him, we are just having sex and i don’t see him loving me anymore, i use his body as he’s been using mine. I fantasise on other men. Have fun!!! if you can’t leave him because he cannot and won’t change. Pls don’t lament and lose your self esteem, as i said have fun!!!

May 23, 2011 at 4:27 pm
(606) ajerkthatjerks says:

I found this post today after being scolded like a dog and was told how I have no self control and that I am a cheater…I got caught jerkin off to porn.

Read about 100 posts…here’s my take.

Young boys masturbate to Sears catalogs and swimsuits magazines until they get their hands on Playboy. Playboy is pictures of naked women that they whack it to until they get their hands on porno magazines. Porno mags show pictures of sex acts that they jerk off to until they get a porn video. Now we have the internet. Was I in trouble for using the most technologically advanced method available or would it have been better if my eyes were just closed? I can’t touch myself without her approval? If in the morning I reach for her, that’s me being horny. When she turns towards me we have sex and when she turns away, I fire off knuckle children in the bathroom. There is no way that she would every want to have sex as often as I would like to … we tried that once. Lasted 3 days and she told me to go jerk off. There are times I masturbate at lunch after morning sex. It does not mean I am a cheater or don’t think she is sexy. She is fuming right now and I am going to have her read this post and every other and will let everyone know how it went.

BTW Bill Smith probably has a Ph.D

May 23, 2011 at 9:39 pm
(607) Charles Darwin says:

“Why do men view porn?” Anyone with a background in evolutionary biology can answer this question. The simple fact is that males of all species, not just human males, are driven to procreate with as many different females as possible. When men are trapped inside the institution of marriage, there are steep penalties (a.k.a divorce) levied on them if they are caught fornicating with other women (some do it anyway; that’s how powerful the male sex drive is). Porn provides a substitute to a man’s need to have sex with different women. He gets to imagine having sex with these women without the risks of pregnancy and stds. And yes, “internet” women are mostly young, supple, tanned and athletic… women that are out of reach of the typical middle-aged middle-class guy. Wives and girlfriends really need to understand this, and tolerate it if not accept it.

May 24, 2011 at 3:21 pm
(608) Sillyman says:

Funny enough I look at porn and mb out of respect for my wife. I feel no shame about it. I am open and honest with her about it and everything else. Some will wonder how it is respectful in any way shape or form. I will start by simply stating that men have needs not just desires but real needs that if not met have consequences. As for myself when my needs are not met I get aggressive (not violent) but hostile argumentative ect. I will find faulting little things. I have also noted an increase in looking at or checking out other women and a willingness to act without thinking. As my wife likes to put it I become a butt head. Secondly I would not ask nor require my wife to fulfill my needs as often as they arise, it would reduce her to being nothing more than a place to do my business. Thirdly I look at how we as a society has evolved and refuse to step back to a time where women where treated as property to be done with as their husbands desired. IE I would rather be a man today who master bates using porn to facilitate said action than to take a step back in time and be the man who would beat his wife into submission take what he wants and have society feel it was justified. I do it because I love and cherish her. I wish I could explain it better but that will have to do. For to many men this is not the case they push past simple need as do truly become adicted

May 24, 2011 at 3:46 pm
(609) Sillyman says:

Terribly sorry about that my mobile cut me off. As I was saying as evolved as we are as high and mighty as mankind is we will always be in a struggle with our inner animal. Be it a need to procreate or simply to communicate with others. We myself and my wife have chosen acceptance if not tolerance of each others needs, quirks ect. We make time for each other as well as our three wonderful children. I will often attempt to romance her and she will surprise me with an impromptu sex only encounter. My attempts at romance are often clumsy but well meaning and I do learn. I will not lie or stray into another’s arms, she will not stray but has credit card and eBay issues lol. Every day we work at our marriage to ensure there is time to play. So for us it is less of an issue and more of a tool to a happier marriage. Now being male and flawed I will take the time to speak with my spouse on this matter to verify my thoughts on this matter. Should I be wrong don’t worry I will eat my crow and let everyone her know how wrong I am. Should I be correct I will be too busy wrapping her in my arms and making love to be bothered to return. To the women who have had their lives turned upside down and been hurt by the men who abuse porn I am truly sorry. The fool is to blame not the Internet not computers and yes not even porn. Even without these tools he would have found other ways to receive his base gratification. At least man handling himself brought home no diseases. So again I feel for you everyone deserves some happiness. With love in my heart, I hope you find it.

May 27, 2011 at 3:30 am
(610) philomena says:

I’ve been with my man for 14 years. I’ve been in total love with him, for years I’ve told him how handsome he is, how kind and wonderful. Had years of wonderful sex; I made sure anything he wanted, whenever he wanted it, was his. I was happy to give. He was kind and good to me in return. I keep myself fit and attractive.

I first accidentally found porn sites on his computer 6 years ago. Then emails from an old girlfriend he had met in secret. I was devastated; but what did I do? I doubled up on sex, tried to find what was missing, where I’d failed: i tried to make up for it. how pathetic is love. six years later we are still in limbo hell, the porn got the best of him.

Now i regularly find porn; sometimes i have to borrow his computer to check my emails; and I find it when i least expect it and I’m not even looking. I always believe him anew that he doesn’t want to do it, then I am surprised again.

Our sex life has totally degenerated, he can only “get it up” when he gets that far away look in his eye and becomes removed and I KNOW deep inside he’s not thinking of me anymore, but of the other women he sees. It is totally humiliating. We don’t even try anymore. we lie together in bed like stuffed animals. I avoid going to bed at all and sleep on the couch most of the time.

Why does this happen? Why is porn so powerful? I love him so, but I can’t live like this. I’ve moved out but my heart is broken. we are the same age, but he admits he wants a younger woman. Is love just a joke? I refuse to think it is always. But sometimes it is.

There is plenty to do in this world tho, and I’ve had an enormous amount of love in my life, so I’m cutting my losses and moving forward with things I’ve always wanted to do. Sometimes I feel very free, sometimes I feel very down. But I always miss him and will always love him.

May 28, 2011 at 6:04 am
(611) Love Doctor says:

Pornograghy could be an addition you better watch it. I advice you avoid it. It’s totally not good for married couples

May 28, 2011 at 5:32 pm
(612) Mama says:

I like how men are in defense of porn, saying things like “just because you imagine it doesn’t mean you really want it!” Well how about this fellas, if your GF, wife, or whatever said to you “just because I fantasize about someone w/ a bigger **** than you, doesn’t mean I really want it” Your confidence would be a little shaky too, considering the person you are with is suppose to like you for who you are.
Who would be the ones with self esteem issues then? I say if you like porn and want to use it, fine. But don’t go settling for your wives to get the real thing.

May 28, 2011 at 10:57 pm
(613) Fat, Old, and Balding says:

I came upon this thread quite by accident, while looking for medical information, actually. I find it quite interesting. In short, after being married for well over 20 years, my wife told me to get out after finding me surfing porn. We may get back together, or not. But, there’s a whole lot of asking questions, and very little answering them here, other than to castigate the male species as a whole, and blame porn – hardly the point, since porn of the mind is in fact, cheaper and faster.

There is a long road, filled with potholes of our own making – both mine and hers, to this point. I’m not sure I understand it all fully yet, so I’m not here to point out some grand and perfect insight. Instead, I’m here to represent the men’s voice that has yet to be heard.

First, I must say right up front, that if the guy was deep into porn when you married him, and then 6 months later, you wondered why he’d lost interest… You were, in many ways, simply the newest model – one with warmer boobs and real body parts – and a friend. That’s not my thing, I just have seen in other people. Does he love you? I don’t know. Emotion and jerking off over the newest model are not even connected to this kind of person. Why’s he lost interest in sex with his wife? It’s the programmed habit of losing interest of the old, in an ever-changing habit of new chicks to see every so often. I doubt anyone who got married in this state even grasps the notion of the union of two people’s lives – intimately, no less.

May 28, 2011 at 10:57 pm
(614) Fat, Old and Balding says:

I note that so many women are so crushed, expressing how they thought they were going to be the ultimate in desire for their mates, who would never even see another woman, nor have any other sexual urge than to be engaged with them. And the breaking of this belief, or illusion, or whatever words properly describe it, is so emotionally crushing they’ve become hate filled or totally emotionally drained or even so mangled they can’t see or feel or think of anything else.

To them I have to ask, “Where on earth did you get this idea?” Did nobody explain to you the facts of life before you got into a relationship, so you understood that men’s sexual behavior is very much physical, while yours is very much emotional? He didn’t learn to masturbate at 13 years old because he was so emotionally attached to himself – he did it because it had physical rewards of pleasure and because he had hormonal changes that all but obsessed himself with his sexual side at the onset of puberty.

While the hormone rages of puberty and early adulthood make it possible for most men to perform (even when they don’t want to) regardless of emotional state, the ravages of work, time, stress, and age will take their toll, and sooner later, for almost all men, eventually, emotional intimacy is needed to have satisfying sex. The need for security is just as great for him as for you… except for him, it enables his physical ability – for you, it’s your emotional stability.

For the most part, men will not avoid sex with their wives unless there’s a reason. And those reasons could be… lack of drive (it happens), or lack of opportunity – for instance, he’s fit to go in the morning – but she’s tuned for it at night. There’s kids, there’s jobs, there’s financial pressures, there’s things that husbands take home from work that constantly intrude into their thoughts. Even during sex. Even fear of failure to perform. I know that one by heart.

May 28, 2011 at 10:59 pm
(615) Old, Fat, and Balding says:

When we got married, my wife and I were quite in tune. We rarely disagreed on how much or when. And the kids coming along did not disturb that much. What did was when she developed cysts that caused immense pain for most sexual activity. Eventually, it resulted in her having a hysterectomy at a very young age. And, with all it’s accompanying hormone (lack of) side effects, including near dementia. But, eventually that became history. Except now, we have nearly adult and adult children, been through a bankruptcy, and many other stresses of life.

One can easily see how “harmony” was a very elusive goal.

As I read through the posts – and I read nearly 300 of them, scattered along from beginning to end – I noticed there were two common themes… One, women who had been married a short time, who found themselves with someone who paid no or little attention to them, in favor of porn, and women who had believed for many years, sometimes multiple decades that same belief I wrote out in the beginning, and are suddenly crushed that it wasn’t so and they emotionally collapse or explode in anger at finding it isn’t so.

For the first bunch, you have my sympathy, but I hold out little or no hope for you. For the second, I also sympathize, but have to ask, how did you go from 18 or 22 to 40 or 55, and never once realize the difference between men’s sexual drives and women’s? Did you really think that you’re going to be as “hot” to him at a hormone driven age 22 as at 50, with a hormonal crisis going on for him, as well as for you, often with enormous stress of business or career, or that last final push to get a retirement secured?

If so, you had destined yourself for this, inevitably. It simply isn’t possible you can be the perfect sexual image.

May 28, 2011 at 11:00 pm
(616) Fat, Old, and Balding says:

But do not think I am excusing men for using porn to satisfy their needs. Or just turning to it alone. It’s easier, to say the least, I know by experience, than it is to try to work out the emotional complexities of a midlife crisis, career change, menopause, teen children, financial crises, and other issues as well. Not to say it’s right or excusable. It’s just easier.

For every one of you who went along and suddenly became devastated.. .I can guarantee you that somewhere along the way, sometime back, your relationship became less than satisfying. Perhaps even highly frustrating – and I say that from the man’s POV. Maybe you didn’t see the signs. Maybe there were almost none, but something was going wrong for a while. It might have been his fault, it might have been your fault, but the fact remains, your relationship deteriorated.

Perhaps you lost respect or failed to give respect to him. Perhaps he lost respect for you. Either way, his behavior you’re right in one way about… Respect is lacking. To some degree or other. And, security is lacking, as well.

When my wife began to take out her frustrations – about finances (mostly her doing), about her emotional instability (hers, but not her fault), and of course, all the daily dips and bumps and cracks and jolts of life on me, I eventually found my way to cope was just to wall off emotionally so I stopped being endlessly angry – to try to salvage some semblance of relationship to my kids. I succeeded at neither. Still, I clung to the idea that the passage of time, including the eventual resolution of the hormonal imbalances, the eventual resolution of financial difficulties, the kids moving out on their own, etc, etc, would then give us time to deal with our issues without the additions of life coming to whack us down.

May 28, 2011 at 11:04 pm
(617) Old Fat and Balding says:

Porn, to me, is not very interesting. I can’t stomach commercial porn. It’s revolting and plastic and ugly. But a friendly face with a real smile, or the joy of a couple truly having great sex is still a turn on – just as it is and was between us, while we still did it. We haven’t in years. I gave up when the stresses of our relationship and her constant anger and animosity toward me made me simply unable to find joy… and unable to physically perform – which resulted in more anger and spite and berating and from her. She’d shout about “I know I’m ugly and fat and old and….” and of course I knew that wasn’t the problem, but no way was I going to argue and invite even more tirades… I just wanted to pass the time or put things off until the majority of things could be resolved.

Of course, I can’t get her to understand how we got here. It’s all my fault, of course. If I object to that characterization, she says that’s proof it’s all my fault. And we stalemate.

Hindsight can be helpful. But when we spend all our time looking back, we can no longer plot a future. The wife wants me to come and talk to her now (I have moved out), and it wrenches my gut. I lived for nearly a decade with gut wrenching stress every day, mostly caused by our difficulties between us. Since leaving, I have had the first few gut-wrench free days in years and I have to figure out how to get the gut wrenching aside… even what it’s about. It’s a learned behavior.

May 28, 2011 at 11:04 pm
(618) old, fat and balding says:

Also, to be in a real relationship, I don’t need any porn, nor want it. But I’m a man of commitment. I once said “I do” and I meant it. That’s why I stuck out all those years until she made me leave. And I fear rejoining, while promising to give up my crutches that let me tolerate having no sex or intimacy, and just being left controlled for her demands, while I find no happiness, because she’s still expecting me to undo all the past hurts for her and that is impossible, not even the few of the many that I created.

Yet, in her mind, the BIG BAD WOLF at the door is me jerking off to something while she’s away. And she’s obsessed with that. I just see little hope of making progress on all the other things that have lead to this, while that remains her focus.

I hope this helps someone. It has helped me somewhat.

God have mercy on us all.

May 31, 2011 at 12:40 am
(619) thinkin about my future says:

i agree with alot of these women ..i am 21 yrs old almost 22, i kno thats young but i feel like im alot older at times..im a mother of a 3 yr old and her father( MY EX) was secretly addicted to porn.(UNTIL I FINALLY FOUND OUT AFTER I WAS PREGNANT) He was just so into it he actually wanted us to watch while we had sex, and i would catch him watching it by himself and it would just disgust me. Being pregnant was my worst nightmare ,and( the worst time in my life) .Due to the fact I couldnt pull off the “hot gir look” with a huge stomach . While I was pregnant i felt like a damn shadow. And he took advantage of me being vulnerable and would be constantly be talking to younger girls that were 16 and 17, while he was 19. i felt like a huge mess and i just couldnt get over that fact that his faithfullness to me had diminished while his promiscuity increased due to the idea that he could just see a girl and just want to have sex with them. And it did have to do with porn, for that is what porn is promoting, the “fantasy” that anyone can have sex with whoever, whenever, and where ever they want to. I being the idiot, finally let him go the day after I had my daughter for I found out that the same day that i gave birth that he had had sex with ANOTHER GIRL!!..which was yet another huge blow to my self esteem and pride. But yet Ive come to deal with all these things by letting him go 2 yrs ago, but the scars of hurt never truly fade. I kno that we as women r stong and dont need to put up with jerks that dont want us for who we r ..and thats fine there r other men who will. I kno that its very hard to leave people who you dedicated so much of your life to, but in the end you will be happy. i send love for anybody who needs it , just like i once did..

May 31, 2011 at 10:04 am
(620) dd says:

my husband is a psycho.he gets relaxed by making me cry for hours together.he is a sex addict

June 1, 2011 at 5:11 am
(621) Terri says:

First-may I say please excuse my grammar and spelling as I was in a nasty wreck a few months ago and I have difficulty making sense due to my neck/disc injuries. Secondly-I will now tell my story. I met my now ex husband in 1992. I had just graduated highschool and he was my first boyfriend. I had zero experience with sex/relationships. We lived together for ten years before finally getting married. In the beginning we would have sex a few times a month and it was “nice” I never denied him anything–in fact I would offer sex all of the time. I would dress in sexy lingerie and give him intimate massage anytime he wanted—-Soon our sex began to dwindle down to a couple times a year. I was (and still am) 5’5, 118 pounds, ample breasts and long hair. I kept myself this way for him–I was even a model back during those days. I became a professional chef in order to cook gourmet meals for him too…He loved my cooking, but never even glanced at my modeling photos—instead he would lock himself in our home office to “work” all night long. I would cry all of the time…He constantly smelled like hand lotion. We would honestly make love once a year somewhere around year 10. We were planning our wedding when I finally snooped around and discovered his secret. He had HUNDREDS of porn movies copied onto computer discs. Also ALL of our computers were crawling with porn….what alarmed me the most were the ones which insinuated rape and young underage girls…there were gang bang titles, and loss of virginity titles…

June 1, 2011 at 5:52 am
(622) Shalen says:

My husband and I view pornography together as one part of our sexual lives together. It enhances sex because we both explore and learn what each other likes and does not like. The old religious notions that something is wrong with free sexual expression if it happens outside of marriage are just that: old religious notions. These religious traditions are not universal truths – they are “true” only for members of that religion, and using Bronze Age myths as some sort of standard for what is appropriate is just anthropologically naive. What makes a good marriage is open and clear communication. If you cannot clearly communicate, and are sexually compatible with, each other then you are in for a rocky ride. Bring a little porn into the bedroom and see what it does for your sex life. :)

June 2, 2011 at 2:56 am
(623) 26 year old male with GF says:

My GF feels the same way. And we talked about it, so now I talked her in to making me videos! Works perfect, even though i wish i did have more of her! lol And we actual watch porn together every now and then to get ideas for the bedroom.Lets just say we learned alot about each othere wants an diseiers! Amazing sex life. AMAZING!

June 2, 2011 at 7:39 pm
(624) Dakota says:

i have no problem with porn whatsoever, why should i, i watch it when im on my own

the only thing i get annoyed about is when my bf veiws pictures of naked models then wakes me up and goes straight into sex…i have now stopped morning sex but havent stop him viewing….may i have anyone’s opinion i personally believe that whilst viewing online is perfectly fine, even masturbating, or even watching porn…but when he thinks im asleep then views it then thinks his waking me up and saying im beautiful just to have sex….not fine with me….i do feel like an object…people are different if your fine with it so be it, but if not shouldn’t your other half respect it

by all means im not wanting to stop it, i happily do it, but i want it to stop whilst im in the room whilst his doing it then wanting sex after it, i dont feel right

ill give a little bit of background…yes okay i happily admit im a person of mental instability, of course im not proud but i will mention so i can get a proper opinion of the case…i suffer from bi-polar, though it does not suffer my way of thinking about this topic…so i think….im a sel harmer…that still nags at me to admit that….and bulimic….ive been bulimic for well 6 years, so its no excuse but one that will afect my thinking

i just want to honestly know if im over exaggerating

personally i dont think i am. but thats me

also my boyfriend is 30 and im 19 so im considering the age difference too, he did say that him viewing this pictures will be easier when im of age to understand…but ive been through alot, and mature for my age i hope i understand

please just help with any opinions you have, even if they are different to mine, i would appreciate it

June 6, 2011 at 5:03 pm
(625) MIDwestWife says:

It seems to me such negativity toward any form of sexuality is completely detrimental to a marriage. Let me clarify a few things:

If youíve ever said ďHe shouldnít be looking at porn it is wrong.Ē or ďI feel hurt when he looks at porn.Ē You are either naive or dancing around your own personal problem with sexuality that I am sure your husband would embrace in conquering.

At some point you will be forced to clearly examine the question ďWhy does my spouse feel so inclined to watch porn? Why am I really bothered by this?Ē You can only hide behind the emotional unexamined plebian opinions of the mainstream for so long before he either shuts you out of his world or the relationship ends.

Lastly,
If you think that god delegates his concern with your husbandís sexuality and habitual porn sessions then I really feel sorry for you- the world might be bigger than you think. However, if your spouse shares those same beliefs and then goes against them- that is an entirely different issue and should be treated as lack of character or honor to himself and his oaths.

June 10, 2011 at 3:22 am
(626) n says:

hi.
I’m a 24-year-old guy. I am a follower of Jesus. So, I have chosen to live within the idealogy of Christianity. Those of you who do not agree with the Bible, or do not know much about it, I’d rather not wade through your opinions. And this isn’t because I do not respect those opinions, or you as people; I would just rather hear constructive advice within what I believe are perfectly logical and healthy confines. So if you disagree or think that my beliefs are outdated/wrong/silly/impractical, please ignore my post and move on. Thanks.

First: to you women who have been hurt, destroyed, and ripped off by pornography; those of you who have said “I feel cheated,” “This hurts more than a razorblade,” “I hurt so bad,” “I’m so confused”… I am so very sorry. I apologize not only for my behavior, but for the behavior of those men you know who are cheating on you. I have wronged you and I have wronged God, because He has commanded me not to commit adultery with my eyes and I HAVE done so. I have committed adultery, and I am not even married yet! I am so sorry. I have seen friends torn apart by someone they know who has failed in this area, and yet… I keep looking at it?? Why is this? I don’t understand. I don’t care if it is “natural”; Romans says that we have two natures, and my flesh is winning in this area. I do not want it to. I hate it, hate it, HATE it. Perhaps it is an endorphin addiction, but I know of those who have quit cold-turkey on alcohol, drugs, etc. and I know it is possible with me.

June 10, 2011 at 3:24 am
(627) n says:

continued:

I look at hentai, which is cartoon pornography… and even saying that sounds ridiculous to me, but I do it nonetheless. And it’s all the same… it’s even more fake than real-life pornography… and I can’t imagine being married one day, and my wife catching me, and seeing her heart break… saying something like, “You’d rather look at drawings over me?” And knowing that I am incapable of smoothing that over, because I would have betrayed the one I love and the one I am committed to. Because regardless of nature and scientific study or whatever, the type of woman I will marry would be destroyed if I cheated on her that way. I do not want to destroy my wife. I want to stop… but apparently not enough to take decisive measures. Subtle apathy… that is what Satan uses.

It isn’t that I hate myself… I know for a fact (through life experiences) that God loves me and provides for me. I have accepted that and have a healthy life–besides this stupid problem. I have wonderful friends who are honest with me and pray on my behalf. I love God and would die for Him. I talk to Him all the time and ask Him to take this away once and for all… but He has shown me that love would not be love if there was no free will, so I must choose to not do it. Why don’t I? It’s not even real!! I wish I could be disgusted with it to the point of not looking at it, like Vince (way back in the posts on here).

June 10, 2011 at 3:26 am
(628) n says:

continued (again):
I need self-discipline. I need to practice perseverance in this area. Satan distracts me with harmless diversion that leads to looking at online hentai, and I want it to end. How? Programs like CovenantEyes cost money, and I don’t really have money. I’ve tried to keep up with accountability and I’ve told people about it, but it doesn’t change. I block sites, but they keep making more. And I know, with a terrible sinking feeling, that I will do it again… though I always hate it right afterward… and pretty much everywhere except when I am sitting at my computer. It’s a duplicitous life!

I don’t want this stuff in my brain, but since I’m visual, it stays there. Not that I remember all of it… but I don’t want to remember any of it. “Men who do evil hate the light, for fear that their deeds may be exposed.” I want to come into the light and never see those pictures again. Jesus is stronger, but I choose to sin…

Any thoughts, particularly on overcoming that specific brand of pornography? It’s pretty much the only one that gets me. I don’t want to accept it as a normal part of my life, because it is destroying my sensitivity to reality. Any websites that talk about this particular problem? Verses to memorize? “I will set before my eyes no unclean thing.” “I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.” “Her [the adulteress'] steps lead to the grave.”

What I want to do, I do not do it. What I do not want to do, this I do. And for the sake of Jesus, who died for me so that I might glorify the Father, as well as for the sake of you women who have been cheated on, I want to change.

June 10, 2011 at 7:37 pm
(629) SnowyKittens says:

Honestly porn has caused so many problems in my previous relationships that especially with the father of my child that I ended up leaving him.

His continued addiction/obsession with porn has led to sexual abusive acts upon myself… some of which included anal raping and vaginal tearing!

I did indeed tried all the steps, I tried viewing it with him and practicing acts that pron stars did, eventually i