How to Cope When Your Spouse Comes Out as Gay

Tips to cope after your spouse comes out

Verywell / Alison Czinkota

People change. People take longer to find themselves. Life will always throw you curveballs you never saw coming. Finding out your partner is gay or queer is one of these complicated situations that are both positive on certain levels and devastating on others. It's a lot to unpack.

You may have had your suspicions your partner was somewhere on the Kinsey Scale—lots of people are bisexual or bicurious in heterosexual relationships and these relationships are still strong. It's not until your partner tells you directly that they are gay—as in they've realized they are more attracted to the same sex than the opposite sex—that you might be facing a significant challenge.

You'll inevitably be left with questions about your future, the future of your marriage, and how your relationship with your partner will change. This is a delicate and complicated situation but you will get through it. The key is to focus on understanding and accepting your partner for who they are now and finding the best path towards restoring happiness for you both.

On Finding Out Your Partner Is Gay

Unless your spouse shares their sexual orientation with you, there is no way to know for sure if they are gay or queer. So-called "signs" like how your spouse talks, walks, dresses, or looks are not indications of sexual orientation. Nor are sexual preferences, including oral and anal sex.

Rather than making assumptions, the best way to know for sure is to have an open dialogue with your spouse. You'd never want to directly out your partner, it's ok to bring up observations you've had about them while emphasizing your love and support for them no matter what they say.

If your partner isn't ready to talk about it, accept that truth. They will come out to you whenever the time is right. This experience is just as hard for them—if not more—as it is for you.

While the following signs may relate to your spouse's sexual orientation, they can also be attributed to other problems in their life or your marriage:

  • You notice your spouse has lost interest in sex or has trouble engaging in sex.
  • You notice your spouse has a sense of confusion about themselves.
  • You notice pop-ups of gay pornography or gay dating sites on their devices.
  • You notice a new group of friends on their social media, many of whom are openly gay or queer.
  • You notice them talking more about gay people in conversation, either in a positive light or derogatory manner.

Do Mixed Orientation Relationships Work?

Mixed orientation couples are those in which the partners do not share the same sexual orientation. Examples of mixed orientation couples include partnerships in which one partner is straight and the other is not, but could also include relationships in which one partner identifies as lesbian and the other identifies as bisexual, for example.

According to one study, there are up to two million couples in which one member identifies as straight and the other does not. Among these couples, when the gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner comes out, a third of the couples break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years and then split; the remaining third try to make their marriages work. Of these, half split up, while the other half stay together for three or more years.

Key Issues Facing a Straight Spouse

There's no question that learning your partner is gay when you believed them to be straight can be extremely difficult. Among the things you may feel:

  • Sexual rejection
  • Damaged sexual self-esteem
  • Wondering things like "what did I do to cause this?" or "am I not masculine/feminine enough?"
  • Low self-image and a high level of self-doubt
  • Concern about the children: How will they handle the news? How will it affect them?
  • Feeling like your life has been shattered and you were living a lie
  • Confusion about your relationship or marriage
  • Fear of having your family torn apart
  • Hurt over feeling that you have been lied to
  • Bitterness, fear, shock, despair, devastation, hurt, and anger
  • Shame, secrecy, and a fear of lack of acceptance
  • Anxiety about whether your partner or spouse has been unfaithful
  • Fear of having been exposed to or having contracted sexually transmitted infections if your partner has been unfaithful (If this is a concern, talk to your partner and get tested.)

Things to Do and Not to Do

Do
  • Decide what you both can and cannot live with.

  • Accept that it takes both of you to make a marriage.

  • Just as in any situation where there is possible infidelity, get checked immediately for sexually transmitted infections, whether or not your partner admits to any sexual infidelity.

  • Take care of yourself as you go through the grieving process. Your relationship has changed. Try to accept this reality and move forward.

  • Be careful about how you tell your children. You may need professional guidance to deal with this. It's important for them to feel loved and secure and to know they're not responsible for the state of your marriage.

Don't
  • Isolate yourself. Seek out a support group or professional help.

  • Assume your marriage is over. Some straight/gay marriages are happy unions. However, studies show that out of 15% of couples who try to make it work, only about 7% make it over the long term.

  • Blame yourself for "turning" your partner gay. No one can turn someone else gay.

  • Let any sense of betrayal or hurt take away from the good times and the positive memories.


Get Help Now

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A Word From Verywell

The experience of discovering your partner is gay can be overwhelming. It's normal to feel distressed, confused, hurt, or even angry. It is important to also recognize that your partner is likely also experiencing emotional distress.

People do not choose who they are attracted to, so make sure to not direct homophobic backlash towards your partner. But while showing compassion to your partner is important, it's also important to focus on your own needs so you can regain a sense of self and determine the best way forward for yourself and your family.

1 Source
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Buxton AP. Works in progress: how mixed-orientation couples maintain their marriages after the wives come outJournal of Bisexuality. 2004;4(1-2):57-82. doi:10.1300/J159v04n01_06

By Sheri Stritof
Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book.