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How to Know If You are Marrying the Right Person

Don't Enter Marriage Thinking That All You Need is Love

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Photo: Janie Airey / Getty Images
Photo: Janie Airey / Getty Images
A question we receive in emails a great deal is "How do I know if I'm marrying the right person?"

How to Marry the Right Person

Finding Miss or Mr. Right is not always an easy thing to do. Once you think you've found the right person, you may have doubts. Having doubts about who you are marrying is not only normal, having doubts is healthy.

Hopefully you already know that you shouldn't marry someone who drinks too much, spends too much, works too much, brags too much, uses drugs or other illegal behavior, or is unfaithful, cruel, or dishonest.

If your future spouse is free of those destructive behaviors and you are still having doubts about getting married, read through these statements. You will see if your doubts are reasonable and worth paying attention to or if you are having cold feet about getting married without having any rational reasons.

Happiness and Emotional Support

Although expecting a spouse to make you feel happy all the time is unreasonable, being with the right person can bring happiness and a sense of personal strength to your life.

  • You will know you are marrying the right person when you feel support and encouragement about your own growth both emotionally and intellectually. The right person will want you to be emotionally healthy and able to stand on your own two feet. When you are with the right person you will feel good about yourself, safe, and fulfilled.
    Related: Being a Supportive Spouse
  • The right person will not be negative, selfish, wishy washy, silent, embarrassing, critical, or a slob. Why spend your life with a jerk?
    Related: Difficult People | Negativity in Your Relationship

Affection, Love, and Sex

It is important that the person you marry is someone who is understanding and agreeable to your wants and needs when it comes to sex and affection.

  • You will know you are marrying the right person if your future spouse says "I love you" not only in words spoken, but by loving actions. We define loving actions as doing things such as noticing when you are tired, remembering your birthday, wanting to spend time with you, listening to you, showing you respect, calling if you are running late, showing you affection, being patient with you if you don't understand something, kissing you hello and goodbye, and hugging you for no special reason.
    Related: The Five Love Languages | Say I Love You | Where to Leave Love Notes
  • You will know you are marrying the right person if you are sexually compatible with one another. If the two of you view sexual intimacy differently or have different libidos, your marriage relationship will suffer.
    Related: Sex in Marriage
  • The right person is someone who you like and who is your friend. The right person will enjoy spending time with you.Your love and your marriage will slowly fade if the two of you are not friends.
    Related: Being Friends as Well as Lovers
  • The right person is kind, considerate, and polite. Little things in life such as saying 'thank you' and holding a door open may seem old fashioned, but they do reflect the amount of caring and kindness in a person.
    Related: Kindness

Communication, Goals, and Values

You and the right person will have similar goals and values in life.

  • Having different likes and different opinions is okay as long as the two of you agree to disagree. Although you may not always agree with one another, conversations with the right person will be interesting and not boring. The right person will communicate thoughts and feelings with you and will not keep hurts and concerns bottled up inside.
    Related: Communication Skills | Sharing Your Feelings
  • Understanding that the only constant in life is change, the right person is willing to discuss marriage issues, questions, and topics with you both before and after you get married.
    Related: Questions for Engaged Couples | Ten Most Important Questions to Discuss
  • The right person will encourage you to make decisions to live a healthy lifestyle by eating healthier foods and getting exercise. The right person will want to work with you to balance your work and personal lives.
    Related: Workaholism | Walking Together
  • Feeling as if you are the only one picking things up around the house or taking care of the kids can get old. The right person is willing to share in the responsibilities of your home and future children.
    Related: Dividing Household Chores
  • Finding the right person doesn't mean that the two of you won't have difficulties or differences to deal with. However, with the right person you will know that the two of you will be able to work through the issues that could hurt your relationship. The way you handle disagreements and conflict shows psychologists more than what you fight about.
    Related: Being Different | Handling Conflict in Your Marriage

Trust and Honesty

The right person is honest with you.

  • The right person will trust you and not monitor your phone calls, or computer usage, or limit the amount of time you spend with others you care about. You will know you are marrying the right person if your future spouse does not try to isolate you from your family and friends. You not only need to belong to family, friends, groups, etc., you have the right to do so. The right person in your life will not try to control your life but will want to share a life with you. The wrong person will make you feel as if you have to walk on egg shells in order to keep peace in your home.
    Related: How to Know if You Are Abusive | How to Know if You Are Being Abused | Teasing Guidelines
  • You shouldn't have to defend wanting privacy or time alone. You will know you are marrying the right person when you are not questioned about your need for time alone or personal space.
    Related: Time Alone
  • The right person will trust you and not spy on you. Feeling as if you have to justify your every move will become a very heavy burden.
    Related: Trust Issues

Red Flags in Your Relationship

If you realize that there are red flags or problematic issues in your relationship, don't ignore them or delude yourself into thinking that the red flags aren't that important or that someone you love will change. It does take more than love to have a successful marriage.
Related: Red Flags in a Marriage

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