How to Have Difficult Talks About Your Marriage

Fostering intimate communication

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Issues inevitably arise in any marriage or relationship, and people often avoid the difficult conversations surrounding them. But having those hard talks is key to getting through challenges together. In fact, research consistently ranks good communication as one of the elements that most successful long-term relationships share. Here are a few tips for having the hard conversations that no one wants to have—but that everyone must.

Why Difficult Talks About Your Marriage Are So Important

Pretending nothing is wrong will likely cause you and your partner to walk on eggshells around each other—and if you can't communicate with each other, you won't know how to act around each other, either. The result: A relationship that feels unauthentic.

Having a difficult marriage talk shows your partner that you care enough about your relationship to risk discomfort.

Moreover, unresolved problems tend to crop back up, and over time, cause bitterness and resentment, If you disagree on how to parent your children, argue about money, or face any of the other common marriage issues, not talking about them isn't going to make them disappear—and then anger and contempt are likely to accompany them when they rear up again. Ultimately, ignoring your issues can even cause your marriage to fail.

Recap

Mutual respect and honest conversations build intimacy and trust. The more you practice having these conversations, the more you strengthen your relationship.

Meeting a problem head-on and deciding how you want to proceed together as a unified front can foster cooperation, respect, and emotional intimacy. Before you jump into a hard conversation, consider what you want to say, how you should say it, and what you expect. Here are a few steps to make the process easier.

Look at Your Expectations

If you expect the conversation to go badly, it probably will. If you assume that having a big talk will make the situation worse, it probably will. Instead, define your expectations of the conversation in positive terms. Envision what you'd like to happen.

Understand Your Motivations

Know why you want to have the talk. Do you want to gain a better understanding of your partner's perspective? Clear up a misunderstanding? Discuss a suspected lie or hurtful behavior? Or maybe you're concerned about your level of intimacy with one another and would like to be closer. Whatever the issue, thinking this through will help you approach the situation with honesty and respect.

Embrace the Reality

Accept that the conversation will be uncomfortable. You'll both probably be defensive and emotional, so take some time to formulate what you want to say before you say it. Think about how your words are likely to be received and how you might answer. This way, you can respond from a place of logic rather than impulsivity and emotion.

How to Begin the Conversation

Avoid saying "can we talk?" or "we have to talk," which can be alarming for your partner. Consider these openers instead:

  • "I've been thinking about ..."
  • "What do you think about ..."
  • "I'd like to talk about ..."
  • "I want to have a better understanding of your point of view about ..."

Recap

Consider how the conversation will go before you begin and approach it in a positive, non-confrontational way. Be direct and focused, but be sure to make it clear that it is a conversation and not an argument.

Choose the Right Time and Place

Keep these tips in mind as you figure out when and where to have your discussion.

  • Now's not the time for surprises or manipulation. Don't invite your spouse out to the movies when you plan on having "the talk" at a restaurant. Don't bring up a tough topic in the car, on an airplane, etc.
  • After you decide to talk, give your partner some time to think about the topic—but no longer than 48 hours.
  • Don't ask them to agree to a time until you're calm.
  • Don't have a difficult conversation before or after sex.
  • Agree on where to talk. You might prefer a public location such as a restaurant, where loud voices and angry outbursts are less likely. If you'd rather have your talk at home, take your kids to a babysitter.

Approach With Sensitivity and Clarity

These types of talks can get emotional quickly. To keep the conversation productive:

  • Be direct, but show respect. Don't speak down to them, don't interrupt, and truly listen rather than anticipate what you'll say next.
  • Be aware of nonverbal communication. Maintain eye contact. Show that you hear your partner, even though you might disagree with what they're saying.
  • Back up your concerns, thoughts, and ideas with research and facts.
  • Stay focused and keep it simple. Stick to the topic you agreed to discuss.
  • Acknowledge that the topic is difficult, sensitive, confrontational, or touchy.
  • Clarify that you know you have different perspectives, and you want to work together to understand them.

Once you reach an agreement you both can live with, set a time to follow up and check in with each other on the issue you discussed.

Know when to get help. If the issue or situation continues to create problems in your marriage, consider enlisting the help of a counselor or a mediator.

A Word From Verywell

Although these conversations can be difficult, they're essential for your relationship's health and future. However, if these conversations are consistently unproductive, or you can't resolve ongoing problems, try talking to a professional counselor individually or as a couple.

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Frequently Asked Questions

  • What should couples talk about before marriage?

    Some questions to consider before getting married are:

    • How will we handle disagreements and conflict resolution?
    • How will we manage our finances (do we want a prenuptial agreement)?
    • Will both of us or only one of us work/have a career after marriage?
    • Will we have kids and if so, how many?
    • How do we want to parent our children?
    • Will we move after we get married (i.e., moving into a house from an apartment)?
    • How will we handle any religious/spiritual differences?
  • Who can you talk to about your marriage problems?

    You can talk to a mental health professional like a therapist or a spiritual or religious leader. It can also be helpful to confide in a trusted family member or friend about marriage problems.

    However, be sure that this person won't divulge the contents of your conversation to your partner. You shouldn't feel like you have to hide that you are talking to a trusted person or therapist, but your partner should not be left feeling like you are talking about them behind their back.

  • What are meaningful conversation topics for couples?

    Share with each other what makes you feel the most loved and respected. For instance, ask your partner what their love language is. Talk about your expectations for your relationship, and where you both see yourselves in the future. Learn each other's boundaries and how to be respectful of them.

5 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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By Sheri Stritof
Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book.