When and How I Learned My Spouse Was Unfaithful
When we had been married for about 3 years my husband cheated twice on me with an old friend of mine. But the terrible things is that I didn't know about this until he told me 2 years later that he'd been having an affair for 5 months, with a different woman, she just happens to be my friend also. (I have had the worst luck with friends, don't you think). He told me about the affairs because the guilt was eating him up and he wanted us to start over. He says that when he realized I would probably leave him he couldn't imagine life without me and our two babies. I felt such betrayal and anger. I trusted him completely.
How I Coped
I had to get past the feelings of being stabbed in the back. I'm learning to trust. In this I lost the ability to trust, because the two people he stabbed me in the back with were my friends. The final one was a friend I confided in when things were rough at home, and she would be listening and advising, all the while thinking about the fact that she was sleeping with my husband, uggg. How I've coped is to remember that I'm a good person, I'm faithful, I'm a wonderful mommy and wife. I stayed, and I'm going to stay as long as he remains faithful from that day he confessed till the day we go to heaven. Do I believe in him, Yes. I believe people can change if they really have the desire to. Is he a better husband now, actually YES he is. He is a more considerate, less selfish man than he was before the day of revealing to me what he had done. Do I still have to make a decision to forgive, YES. Often times I still get sad and angry over what he stole from us. Faithfulness and Trust are key factors in marriage. It's so abominable that it's the only excuse God gives to divorce. But He also commands us to forgive. I also cope by telling myself he is a wonderful father to our babies and they need us to be a team. A fully functioning, non-bitter team. I hate the sin that he did, but I could never hate him. He truly regrets the pain he caused me, and we found out some key issues that caused him to loose hope in us and do it in the first place (2nd time) the first affair was purely selfishness and he admits that. But keep an open mind, if you weren't the betrayed but the betrayer and you knew you were truly sorry and wanted your spouse, how would it feel if they didn't give you the chance to be that different person you both desire. Some aspects of our marriage are so much better and stable now, other aspects are still mending and repairing. I still have to learn to trust him, some days are harder than others. I still have to remove mental pictures of him doing these things. Some days are easier then others. But most of all, talk to the people in your life who can give you God filled advice, not opinion. I cope by praying, most especially the first month after it all. I felt I had nobody but God to rely on, and he never let me down.
Advice
- Keep God on top of it all. You can't do it without Him. I'm living proof of this. I prayed for miracles and He delivered them to me. Keep in mind, if the positions were reversed, how you would want them to be to you. Remember, your health is most important. Your children, if you have any, need you more now then ever before. Eat, sleep, laugh, and vent. Cry when you need to. Punch pillows when you need to. Go to your Pastor when you need to. Scream in the middle of a field when you need to. Tell your spouse what you're feeling. It's okay to say you're angry, betrayed, hurt, sad, torn, depressed, etc. They caused it.
